Dear Chump Lady,
Your website is the first thing that has made me laugh since I found out about my husband and his “sweetie pie.” Though sometimes she’s “my sunshine” and “baby.” In 14 years of marriage we’ve never used grandma-style terms of endearment with one another, although I do sometimes use them with my two small children.
In any case, my husband doesn’t know that I know about the affair and apparently hasn’t noticed the effects of the infidelity diet (effective, but as unpleasant as dysentery) or the new bottles of antidepressants and Ambien. Fortunately the meds and starvation have brought about a new clarity about what I need to do — make a plan to get out.
However, I keep having these fantasies about IMing or emailing the other woman from my husband’s account, then blocking her online and phone number so none of her communication gets back to him. For example, “Good morning sunshine, OMG I just found out I have the clap, you should get tested ASAP. It totally burns when I piss.” Or dumping her, “Hey baby, I think we need to let things cool between us. I’ve been hooking up with someone at work for a few months and don’t think it’s fair to keep stringing you along. What’s funny is that the ways she looks reminds me that you must have looked hot fifteen years ago.”
Can I do this? Should I do this? Would this little prank give me some sense of satisfaction and twisted revenge pleasure?
Thanks for your advice,
No, don’t do it. Focus your energies on that escape plan instead. Both of your prank examples have the intent of driving the OW away and leaving you with your cheating husband. This is at cross purposes with your true mission — both to leave your cheater, and to exact revenge on them both.
If you want true revenge? Let Sweetie Pie have him. Remove yourself as the hypotenuse to their triangle of fuckupedness. Leave. Let them have unfettered access to each other. This affair shit isn’t nearly as exciting without you there as the Great Obstacle to Their Happiness. So give ’em what they want — divorce. He can pay child support on two small children, and she can have his cheating ass 24/7. Let them form new triangles and rectangles, and dodecahedrons with some other poor suckers. You just go focus on YOU and that new life with him.
Here’s the thing, Cas — you could try one of those pranks, but you’re assuming they only talk by cell or text, or whatever you imagine blocking. These idiots have other ways of communicating. Secret cell phone, Facebook, work phones, smoke signals. They’ll know it was you and it will fuel the passion between them — can you believe that bitch trying to tear us apart? Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! dance. You lost.
Walk away from this shit. If you think you’re depriving your husband of his Sunshine — this is a many-headed hydra. Cut one off, another one grows. OW are everywhere. He wants to cheat, he’ll cultivate another OW. She’s not special. She’s available.
I know you don’t want me to tell you the best revenge is a life well lived. I know that right now you’d prefer the OW to fall into a bucket of slop. Publicly. With bad hair and pajama bottoms. But that’s an ephemeral pleasure. You need to hew to the healthy path — get on with your life without these two. Revenge is best served by legal summons in divorce court. Revenge is succeeding madly without him. Revenge is a beautiful life on the other side of their crazy.
Get working on that escape, Cas!