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Dear Chump Lady, Can I pull a prank on the OW for revenge?

Dear Chump Lady,

Your website is the first thing that has made me laugh since I found out about my husband and his “sweetie pie.” Though sometimes she’s “my sunshine” and “baby.” In 14 years of marriage we’ve never used grandma-style terms of endearment with one another, although I do sometimes use them with my two small children.

In any case, my husband doesn’t know that I know about the affair and apparently hasn’t noticed the effects of the infidelity diet (effective, but as unpleasant as dysentery) or the new bottles of antidepressants and Ambien. Fortunately the meds and starvation have brought about a new clarity about what I need to do — make a plan to get out.

However, I keep having these fantasies about IMing or emailing the other woman from my husband’s account, then blocking her online and phone number so none of her communication gets back to him. For example, “Good morning sunshine, OMG I just found out I have the clap, you should get tested ASAP. It totally burns when I piss.” Or dumping her, “Hey baby, I think we need to let things cool between us. I’ve been hooking up with someone at work for a few months and don’t think it’s fair to keep stringing you along. What’s funny is that the ways she looks reminds me that you must have looked hot fifteen years ago.”

Can I do this? Should I do this? Would this little prank give me some sense of satisfaction and twisted revenge pleasure?

Thanks for your advice,


Dear Cas,

No, don’t do it. Focus your energies on that escape plan instead. Both of your prank examples have the intent of driving the OW away and leaving you with your cheating husband. This is at cross purposes with your true mission — both to leave your cheater, and to exact revenge on them both.

If you want true revenge? Let Sweetie Pie have him. Remove yourself as the hypotenuse to their triangle of fuckupedness. Leave. Let them have unfettered access to each other. This affair shit isn’t nearly as exciting without you there as the Great Obstacle to Their Happiness. So give ’em what they want — divorce. He can pay child support on two small children, and she can have his cheating ass 24/7. Let them form new triangles and rectangles, and dodecahedrons with some other poor suckers. You just go focus on YOU and that new life with him.

Here’s the thing, Cas — you could try one of those pranks, but you’re assuming they only talk by cell or text, or whatever you imagine blocking. These idiots have other ways of communicating. Secret cell phone, Facebook, work phones, smoke signals. They’ll know it was you and it will fuel the passion between them — can you believe that bitch trying to tear us apart?  Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! dance. You lost.

Walk away from this shit. If you think you’re depriving your husband of his Sunshine — this is a many-headed hydra. Cut one off, another one grows. OW are everywhere. He wants to cheat, he’ll cultivate another OW. She’s not special. She’s available.

I know you don’t want me to tell you the best revenge is a life well lived. I know that right now you’d prefer the OW to fall into a bucket of slop. Publicly. With bad hair and pajama bottoms. But that’s an ephemeral pleasure. You need to hew to the healthy path — get on with your life without these two. Revenge is best served by legal summons in divorce court. Revenge is succeeding madly without him. Revenge is a beautiful life on the other side of their crazy.

Get working on that escape, Cas!

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Excellent advice CL! It’s true, these people deserve each other! Life is so much better now that I am out of that crazy movie. These people have no integrity or honor. They have serious SERIOUS character flaws. I think it’s great that they found each. Two fewer POS’s contaminating the dating pool. The best revenge is letting them have each other and creating your own brand new life without a cheating douche; having to constantly be on guard, worried about what will happen next. Walk away! Life gets so much better without them.

    • Dear Cas,

      I have read about studies & and personal experiences that show the feeling of ‘satisfaction’ from an act of revenge is extremely short-lived and is immediately followed by regret & withdrawal-like symptoms—-gotta have (or do) more to stop the post-revenge ugly feelings. (At least this is true for people like all us chumps that have a moral compass!)

      As always, CL gave the BEST advice, the correctness proven time again by chumps like us living well and leaving the ‘revenge’ to naturally occur.

      (IMHO, careful with using meds. Can backfire……Glad they have helped, but please be careful…..)

      Forge on, friend…..

  • Cas, I agree with CL – let it go. Yes, they deserve to be punished for the pain and humiliation they’ve caused you, but humiliating THEM won’t do it – it will only backfire. I know, because it backfired on me. I tried to embarrass them both at work, but because they controlled the narrative there, I was the one who came across as crazy. No wonder he had to cheat – I was unstable! He was a saint for putting up with me! The fact that I’d never done ANYTHING like that before in my life didn’t matter. OW was the victim, and I was the vindictive harpy.

    So as tempting as it sounds, I encourage you to resist the urge and go hit a punching bag instead. There IS no “divide and conquer” with affairs. If you think so, you’ll lose – AND embarrass yourself.

    So put your energy into leaving. When this is all over, the only behavior you’ll want to regret is not packing your bags and leaving sooner.

    • “When this is all over, the only behavior you’ll want to regret is not packing your bags and leaving sooner”,,,, I could not agree with you more Red & there is a lot of wisdom packed in that simple statement!

      I was a textbook chump who took a lot of crap. ..more than 7 proven AP, Several more unproven partners..even a child born to my husband by an AP when we were married… The greatest revenge was filing for divorce, gaining my self respect back & getting him to pay hefty child support , alimony plus my legal fees. Two months since I filed for divorce & he will tell anyone that would listen how “disappointed” he is about the “way she went about it” !??

      I’m very non confrontational & did not do any crazy thing to any of the AP .. but I regret the years I wasted on a man who cared nothing about me, I regret that I gave my dignity & self respect away.. I regret the wasted emotions but I AM SO GLAD I LEFT!

  • Even though it takes us all a while to get to Meh, I think a really good all-purpose question we can ask about any idea is: “Am I doing this to get an emotional reaction from my ex?” And if the answer is yes, don’t do it. That should simply no longer ever be a motivator for our behavior. (Of course, this extends to schmoopie, too.)

    Note it doesn’t matter whether we’re hoping to spark an angry/hurt reaction (“I’ll show him!”), a loving reaction (“He’ll realize how much I love him and he loves me!”), or even a lust-to-be-denied (“I’ll wear this to trial and he’ll be so damn jealous that he can’t have me anymore!”).

    Instead, decide what to do/wear/say/be without even considering his feelings.

    (And yes, this is hard, because we used to be married to this person, so it’s second nature for us to consider his emotions as a guide to our behavior. But that life is over. Our bright new life requires refocusing our attention.)

  • “Remove yourself as the hypotenuse to their triangle of fuckupedness…. Let them form new triangles and rectangles, and dodecahedrons with some other poor suckers.”

    Hilarious geometry, CL, never enjoyed math so much.

    • When I read this all I could think was, “I wish I had better attention in geometry class!” Then I proceeded to laugh my ass off.

      CL, you are WIN!!!

      • Oops!! “Paid better attention.” When I mess up like that I wish I had PAID BETTER ATTENTION in my copy editing journalism class!

  • As usual, Chump Lady is the voice of reason…..
    You will have many fantasies for a long time.
    Cry, Scream and feel that pain. But don’t let him know that.
    Call a friend, go to therapy, write about it.
    And then, one day, you will reap the rewards of sitting back and watching his life unravel.
    It hasn’t even been a year, and my STBX’s life is literally in the crapper from what others tell me. I am NC, so I only rely on information from one of my daughters.
    And friends.
    Revenge in the form of Karma will eventually catch up with him.
    Exact your revenge with a better life.
    They are so not worth it.

    • A. freakin. men. What a fantabulous supportive group of chumps! I get so much power every time I am here!! Thank you strong women!

  • Cas, CL is exactly right about the triangulation. I walked away from the marriage about 2 1/2 years ago. I have never done ANYTHING to interfere with XWH’s relationship with his concubine. I have never spoken to her, tried to contact her in any way, spoken to XWH about her… we got a divorce, and I happily left them to each other. It’s made life much more peaceful and fulfilling for me.

    BUT… the two whores have tried REPEATEDLY to drag me into drama. I get email lectures from XWH on a semi-regular basis about what a terrible person I am for alienating my children from him and his wifey (not true). They both make inappropriate comments about me, which of course, my children report back to me without my asking. They know the kids will tell me. Most recently, they’ve tried to get involved in an organization that I’ve been involved with as of late. I’m sure that they’re hoping to cross my path, rub my face in their wonderful relationship, and use whatever my behavior is (which would be stony silence and complete avoidance) as the force that they need to feel united.

    Can you tell that things are starting to get stale for them? They need ME to refresh their lust for each other– the bad guy who justifies their luurrrrve for each other. Take me out of the equation, and you have two relatively homely people living boring, ordinary lives. They got married to each other and now have to deal with FIVE children when my kids are there for visitation. From what I can tell, they go nowhere and do very little. XWH thought he was trading me in for something exciting; instead, he’s likely discovering that he traded me in for a less attractive, less educated model and still has the same “terrible” life that he had before with me.

    So, don’t give them any fuel for the fire. Walk away with your dignity intact; don’t lash out or behave in any way that “proves” that you’re the “crazy wife” and that they were right to get involved because you’re so hateful. Let them burn in their own self-made hellfires. Chances are, they’ll try to drag you in at some point to spice things up. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Let them enjoy how dull, conventional, and downright ORDINARY (The horror!) their relationship truly is. 🙂

    • “Can you tell that things are starting to get stale for them? They need ME to refresh their lust for each other– the bad guy who justifies their luurrrrve for each other. Take me out of the equation, and you have two relatively homely people living boring, ordinary lives.”

      “Don’t give them the satisfaction. Let them enjoy how dull, conventional, and downright ORDINARY (The horror!) their relationship truly is.”

      Yes, yes, YES! This! This is pure wisdom. I outed my husband and the OW at work (they are coworkers) in a public moment of revenge. It was absolutely humiliating for both of them, and it definitely had serious consequences in the realms of reputation and regard from the people they work with. He lost friends, she lost friends, there was disciplinary action, etc. I felt vengeful, and I felt vindicated – for a couple of weeks.

      I was laser-focused on my purpose. Shame! Humiliation! Embarrassment! Pain! Make ’em squirm! Make ’em lose sleep!

      And it worked. Except that my laser focus hadn’t left room for the hidden possibilities. My vengeance did nothing but fuel their fire for each other (forbidden fruit, so sweet!), and their ridiculously inflated sense that their Twu Wuv must be something really special. After all, if it were being fired upon, it must be worth protecting, right?

      I engaged in several of these revenge games over the course of a few weeks. Each time, they became more locked into the idea that they must be truly meant for each other.

      One day (probably a Tuesday), I called the end of my marriage and began to look forward. The second I did, I completely disengaged from whatever they were doing.

      I would not have predicted that without ME to act as the opposition to their Sooper-Special-Star-Crossed-Love, it would fizzle out as quickly as it did. Their relationship came to an ugly and sudden end within three weeks. It turned out they didn’t like each other all that much when life was ordinary, and didn’t have a lot in common EXCEPT being united in opposition to me.

      Don’t engage. It is so hard..but trust the Karma Bus will flatten them both in due time.

  • What MovingOn and CL have said is true.

    When left completely to their own devices the illicit luster of the affair is eventually diminished to nothing special by the machinery of their everyday lives. Once again that pesky constant called “reality” hits home, typically hitting hard.

    Putting it another way, when you remove yourself as the common enemy and mutual target, most times these cheaters will turn on each other….subtly at first but gaining momentum as they have only each other to exercise their dysfunction upon. They have already proved that they do not have the skills it takes to engage in and maintain true love and real intimacy. They require DRAMA as a substitute for authenticity, sincerity, and reciprocity.

    The sooner you you remove yourself from the triangle the sooner it collapses into a “flat line”…in more ways than one.

      • I’m so stoked about this line of reasoning, I have to comment on the comments TWICE 🙂

        NotYou, you have hit the nail on the head. Cheaters and OP’s are fundamentally dysfunctional people, and they will turn that dysfunction squarely onto YOU, united, until you don’t give them a target anymore. It is astounding how quickly the dysfunction then gets turned on each other instead.

        It might not be blatantly obvious to us, because the new couple is so invested in shining up and polishing the turd which their relationship really is, (at least to us) but TRUST THIS: It is there.

        And like all things, the truth will out itself eventually.

        • While ex is still with final OW it’s apparently going the way of the dogs, in the sense that he is doing as he does, pushing her boundaries while playing the nice guy and she’s getting mighty cranky, going along with what he wants with a face like a smacked arse.

          I hear about this stuff from one of the kids and while I try to change the conversation as quickly as possible I do love that they’re bleeding money, it’s all becoming quite the stressful act and others are just turning away from the whole mess.

          I’m not waiting for the karma bus but if and when it hits I will laugh so flipping hard I’ll be heard the world round.

  • CL I been trying to write you a similar letter. Ever since I broke NC after 3 month With my STBX last Sunday, I’ve been fuming on the revenge path. Just watching his smug face telling me I need to go down to the courts and dismiss the divorce because he’s moving moving out from the OW. He’s moving because she is a Minister and she struggles everyday that she lives with a married man LMAO they’ve been screwing for 2 years out of the 8 years of our marriage and living together since August. She’s proudly displayed on his social media page. I so want to call her out for the whore that they both are via her sermon about the Queen in You on You Tube video , I want to plaster her face on the website shesahomewrecker. But something always stop me from doing it, but God the pull to do something revengeful is a struggle. I’ve started NC again and this time I blocked him because I realize I’m still emotionally vulnerable. But seeing him did reinforce that he is filled with nothing but contempt and anger and all she did was release from the same cheating, miserable, angry, don’t know if he’s straight or gay, pathological liar. As CL stated above those OW do us a great service. He’s a prostitute and will always be available to the highest bidder.

    • SUZYOH,

      Are we married to the same Flaming Turd from Satan’s Ass? My STBX is a HIGHLY entitled baboon (I so love this descriptor, CL) who is screwing Reverend I’m-A-Whore, although I don’t think she has made a video for YouTube – yet. And he is ALWAYS available to the highest bidder.

    • SUZYOH?

      I couldn’t resist being snoopy and had to check out youtube. Is Reverend Ima Ho the Ugly Sistah (in glasses) giving talks about “life affirmations”?

      • Ahhhhhh yes the very one. I am very attractive so I’m at a lost that he would even sleep with someone like that but he has had past affairs with ugly mugs just like her. Says she treats him better because she’s not obsessed with looks. HAHA. she was sleeping with him while separeted from her husband. Wonder what her famous dad who parades with Al Shaprton and the man that built Barclay Center would think. He says her family doesn’t know he’s married and her sister doesn’t like him cause she’s jealous and wanted him first. This thing is also a principle of a school here also, yet he can’t get a job though he’s a teacher. Blame that on me too. He pledged fraternity 3 years ago at 4, and since I’m the boring wife who hates him being part of frat, she at 44 just pledge sorority. Little does she know that his lame ass tried 2x times before and never made it. He is an only child and I figured him joining a brotherhood would help settle him, so I had a friend connect him. Boy I should i listened to my friend…it made him worse and gave him access to more women and men. I helped him get a greencard even though he was in this country since 1st grade…and this is the story he tells everyone is the bases of our marriage. 8 years married and folks actually believe the greencard story. It’s funny thought because I didn’t have a clue about her till the other mistress of 3years outed her to me…he had a secret cell phone that mistress was paying for and she was angry over all the phone calls. These fake people of God is unlike the regular heartbreak suffered after it ends. They shake your very core and soul believe n God. Right when you need your faith the most you question the higher power because all you can think is what kind of minister does this. I’m happy I got him arrested for hitting me…and the state added their own charges of attempted rape when they saw the bruises and torn underwear..and still the chump n me couldn’t bring myself to file charges. And still I believed n reconciling until I found out about her and another one. Now he says there just roommates, he leaving her and wants to work on being married to me..he can go kick rocks right along with Minister Fiona Shrek Whore. And since you’ve seen her pick you know that description is very accurate.
        Thanks for the support

      • And to add to my shit sandwich , Minister whore has 3 women on my street (2 live directly across the street and I’m friendly with but now they avoid me) pledge the same sorority with her at the same time so their her line sisters. They know what happened because I have indirectly shared what happened with their various family member. he lived here with me and have attended neighborhood events so they know him . My family is embarrassed and mad at me for picking such a fucked up mate that they feel have publicly humiliated us all. So part of my revenge was always to out them at her church, or to her family, but again why bother.,.she got a prize. They deserve each other. And besides I’ve Ben painted the crazy bitch why give them the satisfaction.

        • SUZY,
          That woman is so ugly that when she cries the tears run down her back because they can’t stay on her face! It is apparent that her “redeeming” qualities are WELL hidden. There seems to be no accounting for taste when men go rogue…or is it go blind? So all I can say is you are well rid of him, her, and the whole hypocritical kit and caboodle. I hope you have a great life, now that you have dodged the attack of the water buffalo! Rock on Sistah!!

          • LMAO NOTYOU IT IS YOU WHO ROCK SISTAH …truly thank you for you that. This is the most support I’ve felt in a long time. And believe it or not that fact that I outed her to you has filled my vengeance. as I struggle with my insecurities, wishing for this divorce to happen….trying to pick myself up…and yes the humiliation along with cutting myself off from folks who don’t get my hurt and anger..including my parents…I’m isolated, but some how I know it’s what I need. She has a Benz that he drives, she has access to basketball games because of their church association,, she has church funds, she has principle privileges, he lives with her in one of Brooklyn’s coveted neighborhoods, her family is well known…so yes these are qualities that make her shiny to a narcissistic prostitute like him. He says he went to live with her to hurt me lol…I’d say he hurts no one but himself and her…poetic justice indeed. Notsoyou she might be a minister but based on her character, he down graded and then add those wonderful looks…yes he is living the life. I won and I’m still winning.

            • SuzyOh.. From one SISTAH to another :).. I TELL YOU THAT U DEFINITELY TRULY ROCK!!!!!

              I Applaud your dignity & restraint in not going to the church to shout with a megaphone that the “reverend” was a slut!… I can only imagine how tempting that could have been and I cannot tell I would have shown your restraint & self control & dignity if I were in your shoes.

              You did the right thing… You showed you were a better person but the best is you left vengeance to God & believe me it’s coming to them!

              I watched the video & I agree with NOTYOU.. I have never called another sister ugly..but in Africa where I was born, we have a saying that ” if you must eat a frog, eat a frog with eggs” .. Which can be translated that if u must do a bad thing .. Do it for a good reason .. That “Reverend” one ugly frog..inside & out!

              Rock on Suzyoh and I hope the divorce is final soon! Lots of hugs to you!

            • “When this is all over, the only behavior you’ll want to regret is not packing your bags and leaving sooner”,,,, I could not agree with you more Red & there is a lot of wisdom packed in that simple statement!

              I was a textbook chump who took a lot of crap. ..more than 7 proven AP, Several more unproven partners..even a child born to my husband by an AP when we were married… The greatest revenge was filing for divorce, gaining my self respect back & getting him to pay hefty child support , alimony plus my legal fees. Two months since I filed for divorce & he will tell anyone that would listen how “disappointed” he is about the “way she went about it” !??

              I’m very non confrontational & did not do any crazy thing to any of the AP .. but I regret the years I wasted on a man who cared nothing about me, I regret that I gave my dignity & self respect away.. I regret the wasted emotions but I AM SO GLAD I LEFT!

  • Do the email where you dump her also pretending to have the STD is ‘very’ funny.
    I have done this in the past it and it was so funny to read her reactions.
    Silly cow was emailing him the lyrics to love songs.

  • Cas first thank you for your post. i wanted to ask CL the same thing all week but couldn’t muster the courage. it’s a struggle because you just want to make them pay, but I realize it will only bring you more unwanted emotional turmoil.
    CL thank you for you wonderful never failing wisdom. Although you responded to Cas you also responded to me (and most likely so many others)

  • I like the messages here, but that’s not always true for everyone that the XWH eventually suffers. Some of our ex’s have gone on to make much, much more money and live lavish lives. They travel, they have very luxurious lives with the new, decades younger, shiny new wife.
    Sometimes karma doesn’t happen in this lifetime, so don’t count on it…

    • Hi Linda, after 37 years of marriage and 44 years of friendship with my ex husband, I was so full of vengeance and hate for the hurt and humiliation that I had suffered, I think I would have gone to jail and it would have been worth it. That was about 12 months ago. On New Year’s eve 2013 which was our son’s 31st birthday I knew that I had to cease all contact with my ex husband or I would die. The mental anguish was too much. I am now 2 months of having no contact and I feel great. I have stopped crying or even caring what other people now think. So, long story short, karma may not happen in this lifetime but I live in hope. Nobody deserves to be hit by the karma bus more than my ex. As for the shiny new wife, she deserves everything she doesn’t get.

      • I will wager that my ex deserves it more for reasons I will not explain here but believe me, he is such an asshat that the karma bus should rev up to top speed, knock him down, back up a few times to run him over again … but then I remember that he would find some way of blaming that on me.

    • Linda, I agree that we don’t necessarily see Karma come around, but I truly believe it is because we don’t SEE it. Not that it isn’t there. Let me tell you a story:

      My STXH’s father is also a cheater. In fact, my STBXH is the product of his father’s affair with his mother while he was married to Wife #1 and had three children at home with her. Well, when his affair partner became pregnant with my husband, he left his wife. Fifteen years and three kids down the drain. Left her cold – she never knew he was cheating until after he had moved out and she found out from their oldest son that “Dad” was going to be a “Dad” again.

      My FIL and MIL got married the day after his divorce became final, when she was five months pregnant with my husband. They are still married, thirty-two years later. They have two grown children, they are the picture of the American family. They live a beautiful life, with more money and treasures than Wife #1 ever had a hope of achieving with three kids to worry about, all on her own. They live in the dream home they built together when my husband was seven, they enjoy their children and grandchildren, they vacation regularly, they are involved in church and charity…you get the picture.

      This is the public image, and it is very, very good. When I first met them, I thought “What a wonderful life and marriage to aspire to!” I know Wife #1 personally, and I know she has always looked at their lives and thought she had been completely outmatched. It has been a source of struggle for her, to witness the “beautiful life” she was left behind for.

      The truth is this: My FIL is a functional alcoholic. My MIL has a problem with compulsive gambling. Their life is financed by crippling debt, to the point where they must rely on charity and handouts in order to pay the copay at the doctor’s office (and they are both aging now, so there is a lot of that). They have no relationship with the three kids he left behind with Wife #1, and FIL is regularly depressed into blackness by this fact. MIL takes a wide variety of anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds, and cannot sleep without Xanax. Within their own marriage, they barely speak. They are two of the most disconnected people I have ever spent time with. The sleep in separate rooms, haven’t had a sex life in many, many years, and cannot stand to be in the same room together about 90% of the time. The silence between the two of them is oppressive and eerie. They are apart more than together, and MIL is open about the fact that she is just waiting for FIL to die (he is thirteen years her senior). They have not known LOVE in decades. They are just rattling around the same house, playing the part when company comes by, and otherwise living in hell.

      But you would NEVER know. Their anniversary is next week, and they will get together with friends and family and celebrate the SHIT out of it, because they are still desperately clinging to the idea of legitimizing their relationship, even after 32 years. And if you saw them, you would be convinced they are the most stable, loving couple you’d ever seen, and nothing I could say would change your mind. They are THAT good at the charade. It took eight years for me to even begin to see below the surface, and then only because we moved in with them while my MIL battled breast cancer.

      So, don’t trust that he affaired up. Don’t ever trust what they show you. They are invested with everything they have into presenting their life as legitimate, good, happy, and blessed.

      But as CL says, a cheater doesn’t change who they are. They just change partners.

      • Thank you for this insight. I expect my X to be doing just that, keeping up appearances, showing the whole world (and especially himself) he made the right choice. I know, because I can see he’s been doing that all the time during the affair. Lovebombing her, idealizing her (demonizing me), diminishing the effects on our children.

        His family clearly buys into it, since the divorce I’ve been instantly downgraded. I guess even many people he knows (suddenly he made scores of new friends) believe they were just ‘meant to be’.

        But this helps me to really know that he is still the same cheater, only now with a cheatress by his side. Who will probably have just as much incentive to keep up appearances!

        • So weird that they all do the same thing: love bomb the new side piece, downgrade their spouse, scream to the world that the kids will get over it … yet it always ends the same. My kids think their father is an ass and one has very little to do with ex. He still has the same two or three friends he’s had since I met him, who are also of the man-child stripe and kind of losers, but even they aren’t close friends. Meanwhile my life is full of amazing people, although I did have to do a bit of a cull in the wake of all this bullshit. The great thing is that that cull made room for better and more authentic people. So the way I see it my life is infinitely better, despite the enormous pain this caused me. Ex’s life is more or less the same, except with someone of a younger generation who doens’t get his jokes or references and doesn’t share his history. And whom no one seems to like all that much.

      • Yes, LMM, you are so right. People, including family members, can’t usually see what is really going on, unless you end up living with them. My experience with one of my elderly family members, who broke up his first family for a much younger ho-worker 30 yrs ago, was similar to yours. He turned out to be quite the Narc, and well-off but not a happy person. She (ho-worker second wife) turned out to be hugely unhappy under his controlling thumb, and felt unfulfilled and disrespected. What a shock!! People who cheat make mean, lousy partners! They just don’t want the world to know. It’s the pinnacle of an in-authentic life.

        • Remember that family members often are buying into the glorious, shiny glitter of the Narc, who has in their new life now joined usually with another Narc. They can’t usually share your pain because they don’t have your pain. I have to say, I was shocked at the pain, confusion, and trauma of infidelity myself. I have always sympathized with the one left behind but had no idea of what a flaming wrecking ball infidelity it is to someone’s life. Anyone who has not been through it can’t possibly relate. And of course the more years, kids and investment you have in it, the worse it is….Maybe it is more like a cyclone. There is the “before” home picture of peace, stability (or so you think) and accountability, and afterwards, the absence of everything you were counting on in a microsecond. Your life as you knew it is obliterated. Who can relate to that that has not been through it? After a few months some family & friends are like “Get over it!.”

      • Wow, Little Mighty Me, that story is eerily familiar. It really is all about the surface image. My ex inlaws still defend their affair, which seems quite similar to the story about your ex inlaws. It’s been many decades and funnily enough one of my kids today said that his grandparents go on about how great their love is/was but he doesn’t see any love between them. I didn’t say much in response but he’s dead right. Ex MIL plays the passive aggressive doormat while ex FIL is an insecure ‘good guy’ (yep, he plays it well) who thinks women are of a lower order.

        The funny thing is that neither of them have any real friends. They have a few people they see for dinner once or twice a year but no one they see regularly or have any kind of intimate relationship with. They have each other and all they do is sit around bitching about people and sitting judgement on everything everyone does. And defend, still, the affair that got them together.

        But they stay together, despite several separations (FIL was still a cheater), and play the True Love For All Time act to the hilt. But they are empty people with empty lives who in the many years I’ve known them always end up tossing people aside who question them or stand up to their views. I am simply the latest.

      • This says it all, LittleMightyMe.

        ” Their anniversary is next week, and they will get together with friends and family and celebrate the SHIT out of it, because they are still desperately clinging to the idea of legitimizing their relationship, even after 32 years.”


        It is still all about “image management” as opposed to living an honest and authentic life. Your FIL’s second marriage died many years ago, probably much quicker than his first. But the couple keep up the “act”….like some grotesque marital version of the hilarious movie “Weekend At Bernie’s” (where the culprits staple a toupee to the corpse’s head and make it move its arms and wave at people as if alive…while they speed away in a boat with a dead man.)

        As, Dr. Frank Pittman said so eloquently, ” Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.” (Excerpt from Pittman’s book here:

        Two things:
        Trust that they suck.
        Trust that Karma NEVER forgets an address.

          • Jayne,

            I have two of Dr. Pittman’s books in my library, and both of them are awesome.

            “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy”
            “Grow Up! How taking responsibility can make you a happy adult.”

            Dr. Pittman is dead now, but he was a psychiatrist specializing in marriage and family counseling for over 40 years. He had seen it all and dealt with it all. He managed to combine reality, an engaging style with many anecdotes from his years of practice, and even a sense of humor in his books.

        • LOVE the Psychology Today article. I think I’ve read it before, but it is really good to re-read things after you have more experience and time to settle and gain more insight. This article is excellent. I feel a little closer to “meh.”

      • I’m sure what you have shared will give a lot of comfort to a lot of people here that no wicked deed goes unpunished… Despite the appearances Facade & charade of a shiny new life! Thank you Little mighty me!

    • Linda, I understand your pain but please trust me there is no peace for the wicked!.. There is a Spiritual law that says ” you will reap what you sow, more than you sow & later than you sow but you will definitely REAP what you have SOWN”.. FORGET THE apparent shiny new life.. It’s all a facade.. There is no way you will sow pain & reap joy…your best revenge is living your own life & finding joy and peace will happen.
      Hugs & love to you.

  • Hi Cas,

    Without doubt, everything everyone is saying is absolutely spot on and very sensible, but I have to say; your ideas for revenge made me LOL 😀 and I know if I heard of another chump exacting revenge in either or both of these ways – I would stand up and applaud 😀 Trouble is, it’s likely that only other chumps would fully appreciate your actions as being very funny, just and appropriate.

    About the notion that it would just add fuel to the fuckwits narrative of you as the crazy loon – true, but their narrative is more than likely painting you this way anyway – how else could they allow themselves to treat you with such little respect?

    FWIW – when my ‘beloved’ was merrily chumping me (unbeknownst to me, of course) he had me type out the first few chapters of his ‘block-busting novel’ (still unfinished as far as I know, but what I read was fairly rubbish). I often think now of how he had his ‘hero’s’ long term girlfriend leave him after finding out about him cheating on her, and doing so very quietly as ‘she didn’t want to cause him any trouble’. Ha! Well, I didn’t leave quietly – but then again, I haven’t dropped a piano on his head as yet …….!

    Please start eating – you are going to need your strength to fight off all the misery your fuckwit has / is visiting upon you.

    Take care of you and fuck him and her – they do deserve each other.


    • Just curious, Jayne, was your cheater a writer? Or was that another one of his grand plans? Mine was going to write a science fiction novel after his dream to become a worm farmer and learn to ride a motorcycle failed.

      • My ex has very grandiose dreams. He truly believes he’s here to add to the collective greatness of humanity and believes writing is his forte (believe me – he’s intelligent and probably capable, but, having read his efforts to date, I can’t see it happening. Not least because he simply can’t do authentic emotions. In reality or in fiction. Had I ever read a book where the cheated on girlfriend slipped away quietly so as ‘not to cause any trouble’ for the hero – I’d have thrown the book away in incredulous disbelief!).

        I think he has a further problem with his highly successful rock-star brother – I reckon the sibling rivalry is both a fuel to his grandiose opinion of himself, but hampers his ability to ‘follow his own star’.

        Mind you echo – dreaming of being a worm farmer is probably the funniest ambition I’ve ever heard of! 😀

        • Well, to be fair, he wanted to invent some kind of super dooper waste management system~I said he was a worm farmer because he had a prototype going in the basement. It was really more like a fifth grade science experiment. Grandiose indeed!

          • I had visions of your ex doing the ‘Wall of Death’ while juggling acrobatic worms!

            I hope he took that science experiment with him when he ‘jogged on’! x

        • My ex tells our son that he is here on a mission from God to end bullying and suicide. He apparently plans to carry out this grand mission by dancing around in his sasquatch costume on YouTube. Oh, and there is a children’s TV show in the works, at least in the works inside his head.

          And that’s just ONE of his delusions.

          In reality, he is now looking for yet another person gullible enough to rent him a room, and he is offering handyman services and massages as rent payment because he has no money. I’ve lost track of how many times he’s moved in the past six months or so.

          • Glad,

            “He apparently plans to carry out this grand mission by dancing around in his sasquatch costume on YouTube. Oh, and there is a children’s TV show in the works, at least in the works inside his head.”


          • Hi Glad,
            I had to go look at some of your exH videos again; too funny (and weird).
            My exH is more subtle with his delusions, so nothing for me to chuckle at, and nothing obvious to others. He does his best to keep up the facade.
            I just have to trust that they suck since both exH and OWife were cheaters.
            I think others get it as well, given he left his kids and moved thousands of miles away.

            Thanks for the smile ( I feel weird thanking you, but you know what I mean…)

    • Wow, must be they all fancy themselves great writers! Mine came back home to “reconcile” and announced he had finally finished his book! Now this is a sorry piece of crap that he has been “writing” for 12 years and has spent tons of money on Internet editors (some who just stole the money)! But Mr. Genius thinks it’s the greatest thing since War & Peace! Believe me, it’s crap! But just in case some brain dead publishing house decides they’ll give it a shot, in my divorce settlement I made him agree to give me 50 percent of the income. He also has two other “pieces of literary ” magic and I laid claim to those too! Ha! Ha! He was pissed! Called ME vindictive! Really?? I mean really??

      • Mine wrote a book too! It’s all about himself, and how he always knew he was “destined to be famous.” Filled with tidbits about how you should follow your dreams no matter what, and don’t ever let “negative people” tell you that responsibility, commitment or integrity need to be honored. The first chapter is titled “Damaged Child,” LOL! That pretty much says it all right there.

        He spent around $5000 to have this POS book published, and his sales are no more than a couple thousand dollars, most to his own family. He told our son several times that people came up to him out on the street, after recognizing him from his picture on the back of the book, and gushed about how the book changed their lives. Ha, yeah, right!

        This is the same book in which he actually wrote about the time he paid a couple of little girls to pretend to recognize him in a public place, and make a huge fuss asking for his autograph so everyone would think he was someone famous. He wrote that he planned on doing that again, and recommended everyone give it a try. I swear, you cannot make my ex up!

        My mom actually read the book, she borrowed the copy ex gave our son (son never bothered to read it.) My mom said anyone reading it would realize ex was mentally ill and would probably feel sorry for me for having been married to him. The description of the book on Amazon says things like ex “walks the rainbow beam of balance” and how he “has an innate ability to make everyone feel better just by being near him.”

        • Yeah! Mine always sat around telling me what a great writer he was going to be “some day”! Makes me wasn’t to puke! And I spent 40 years on this idiot! Thinking about how he “finally finished” his classic while in this “hot and heavy” affair tells me she is already being groomed to be the next “me” and put up with his crap! I’m kind of glad! No more having to edit drivel and then be dressed down for pointing out mistakes, then being told that I am “just not smart enough to appreciate” the depth of his genius! Please!!!!

  • LOL, I love your texts to the OW, but have to agree sending them would backfire. The OW and your STBX will know perfectly well YOU sent the texts, and will use that to fuel their fire of how you are a crazy bitch and no wonder he has to cheat. Don’t give them the bullets for their historical rewrite gun.

    I do have to admit that I did terrible things to my ex’s toothbrush during the five hellacious months after dday that we were still living in the same house. Terrible things, the most mild was using his toothbrush to scrub out a heavily-used birdbath in our backyard. I’d do it in the morning after he left for work, where he basically spent the time texting the OW and getting blow jobs from other men in his office.

    Cas, your best path is spending your energies on getting away from your cheater. You won’t believe what a relief it is once you are DONE.

    • LOL GIO 😀

      I read before, on a previous post, that you’d exacted revenge via his toothbrush! hahaha! and ewwww! Hey, did he ever suffer any health problems after?

    • No that’s not necessarily true that she would know it was his wife sending them.

      The woman I emailed back didn’t realize it wasn’t my ex until she had emailed exchanged with me three times… and why on earth would anyone care if the OW thinks you are a crazy bitch….its not about image management.

      I really didn’t care what her opinion was or how she viewed me- and I still don’t.

  • i personally think the best revenge would be for you to reveal that you know about the affair only after you have lawyered up, gotten your ducks in a row, documented everything, and are ready and waiting with a truck and moving crew to get his ass out.
    He gobsmacked you, wouldn’t it be fun to gobsmack him with immediate NC and divorce??

    • THIS is why you shouldn’t send those texts. Get all your exit plans ready to launch, then launch them in TOTAL STEALTH mode!! You have such an advantage here! You are going to eject from their perrrrrrrrfect life together, the schmoopies, and go on to live the best revenge, that of living well, without that trash in your life. The silence will kill him. She will not be the last in his life, just for now–no matter, though. Just get out.

      • I agree and wish I had done all of this but I was slightly drunk when I found out and then, after a few days of pretty much no sleep or food, found out about much of the rest of his double life, which had gone on for years. So I lost it and went a bit nuts but eh, I’m fairly ok with it, as hte end result would be the same.

        • Me, too. Totally lost it. Said all sorts of things I wish I hadn’t said–all of which were true, mind you, and which he deserved to hear, but which I wish I’d have held back, since they were wasted breath.

          When I look back, I wish I’d have set aside some cash, played cool as a cucumber, bought a new washing machine and tires for my car, etc., as I gathered all our paperwork, silently, set aside anything of value that I wanted, worked with an attorney, then hit him with papers. “Off you go, then!” That’s what I wish I’d have said, as I brushed my hands and shoulders. “Off you go! Have a good life with your One True Love! It was Meant To Be! Give your mom one last hug from me! Buh-bye!” Then changed the locks, and off you go.

          Live and learn.

          • Yeah…

            I didn’t have all the facts yet myself.

            When I found out about my ex and his 19 year old girlfriend, I naively thought this was the ONLY affair he’d had and that it was just a midlife crisis. HAH! I laugh at that now. As if!

            I did keep digging after that, and was constantly reprimanded by him for digging… if I wasn’t going to trust him, how could he possibly try to reconcile with me? OMG! WTF! Really? Again, I laugh now when I type that!

            In any case, later in the game, after a year of fake reconciliation and finding out he was still at it, I took a backup of his computer. It’s a work computer and I’m a director, I had a right to the information.

            There was a huge Outlook file with e-mails dating all the way back to 2002. And he liked to document everything and brag to his friends.

            So despite not having played things right in the first place, I eventually did get my ducks in a row and am positioned to go to mediation and ask for an awful lot of money (about $50k/year) that he was spending on his sluts going back an awfully large number of years.

            So yes, it pays to not fly off the handle… although that is often nearly impossible to do, before you find this website and understand the fuckedupness that is going on!

  • I too have so desperately wanted to exact revenge We all have and I do believe its human nature. We all want to get back at those who hurt us so deeply. The thing that has stopped me is keeping my dignity and self respect. We all know what they are saying about the wife, she’s crazy, she made my life a living hell, etc. I decided to go NC and not give them any fodder for his lies. That way she has too keep thinking what I was really like. She may believe him but in the back of her mind she has to wonder why I’m not acting like he said and she must be questioning why he has no interaction with his daughter or grandchildren. No ones stopping him. He could have over talked the relationship with his family too her and now he’s stuck with his lies. Or he really doesn’t care in his MLC madness. Either way its his decision to own, not mine. He loses in the end and I have not done a thing. Maybe thats what Karma is. Who knows. Its been just over a year for me I still feel my heart is broken but I also know it won’t be broken forever. I am looking forward to the indifferent stage. Cas hang in there, don’t do anything that harms your self respect. Get a lawyer and end the relationship with him. Its not healthy and does not repeat you. Your worth so much more.

  • CL….is spot on once again.

    By playing into the cliche affair script… as the chump are now going to act unbalanced by pretending to be your husband and send fake emails insinuating an STD and then blocking her from his email.

    Break away from the cliche script….do not show crazy… not play the role of the crazy betrayed spouse….do not stand in the way of their true luvrre.

    Get your ducks on order….lawyer up….and pack his bag and wish him well. This will totally be a mindfuck to both him and his OW. You were supposed be unhinged..begging…fighting for your piece of shit. The OW will question having your crap husband handed to her on a silver platter.

    See, you were supposed to be a bitch…the evil tyrant who keeps the two lovebirds apart. Without playing into the cliche role you have been handed you will pop the affair bubble. It just ain’t no more fun if it’s not secret and forbidden.

    Change the script, make yourself the elegant and dignified women you are and your shit husband and sidekick OW play the role of dumb and dumber fools.

    Refuse to eat shit sandwiches and pack a shit sandwich picnic basket for the two lurvve birds in affairy land.

    • I refuse to have ANY engagement with the bimbo. I have to engage with X only for the kids. But his piece of trash is of no significance to me at all. The best reply to a fool is silence, and I believe that with all my heart.

  • Dear Cas– Not only would you come off as the crazy one in the triangle of fucked-up-ness… I think, in hindsight, the reason that all–nearly–of my old friends of 20+ years have deleted me from their lives is that I appealed to them for support with the full force of my pain and fury. I think it was overwhelming–not that I could have done anything else, mind you. (In other words, I don’t really blame myself.)

    But it is sadly true that folks who don’t understand the pain of chumping (and even if they do, they mostly don’t want reminders in my experience) back off from the whole mess, mighty quick. The chump, writhing in pain just looks, well, nuts.

    Good luck in your journey to cut the nuts off the fucker–in court, with a lawyer! and get your just desserts. And then onward to a life of tranquility and trust. Be your own best friend.

    • Those so called friends were not friends at all. When everyone walked out of my door, 4 good friends walked in and remained. The others can all go to hell and that includes my 2 adult children. My son once commented that “he couldn’t help me for the hurt that his father has caused” and yet he has excluded me from his life and remained true to his father. The hurt was unbearable but I have accepted and adjusted to it now. I have no other choice but my good friends remain. They know the truth.

      • Thanks Maree– I’m inclined to agree with you! But it’s very hard. The worst part– their actions, inadvertently validated Mr. Fucktard and the way he treated me (gaslighting, abuse, cheating, lies: you know–the works…just like a carwash!). I don’t honestly think that’s on purpose–as far as I know they dropped him too. But it really, really hurts.

        Live and learn. As my therapist says, there are a lot of them (narcs) out there.

      • Wow, Maree, I am so sorry to hear about your kids. They should be shoved up against a wall and given a stern talking to AFTER they’re smacked upside the head. I’ll happily do it. I’ve never stood in the way of my kids’ relationship with their father but if they ever turned on me, after I stayed here and kept them together, they’d be very sorry people. That’s really awful of your kids.

        • Nord, to be perfectly honest with you I think it is my 34 year old daughter leading the charge. She has hated me since she was 15 year old and she is very happy that her father dumped me and she excluded me from her wedding 3 years ago. I think my son is just caught in the middle and prefers their company to mine. But the wall of silence can be soul destroying to say the least. I will never forget or get over the things that have been done to me and said about me by the 3 of them (the “Coalition”). Suffice to say my estate is going to charity. I gave the 3 of them my life and love and it still was not enough. What more can I say?

          • Maree,
            I know you will find this hard to believe but your daughter will live to regret her decisions. And, more tragic, she just may never have the opportunity to express remorse or make amends. (As an aside, I’d be willing to bet that with her YOU were manipulated into the role of disciplinarian and limit setter, while her father spoiled her and undermined your efforts. That has been typical in my experience when children “alienate” themselves from one parent during a divorce.)

            • notyou … I was the disciplinarian and limit setter, you hit the nail right on the head. I set boundaries because I wanted my children to grow up to be decent and good members of society. They are decent and good people but they treat me like dirt. When I was growing up, if I did the wrong thing I got a smack and I have never broke the law ever. Their weak sire never so much as raised his voice at them. You see he was an adopted only child who was raised with psychology and not one smack by a very toxic mother and a closet gay father. A fat lot of good that did him. He misappropriated funds from a job just before our son was born 31 years ago and then screwed a 20 year old prostitute in Asia last year and I dread to think what else he has done in the intervening years but his sense of entitlement is now very clear to see. It just isn’t fair. But I am lucky compared to many others, so I will stop complaining now!!!

              • Maree,

                As a psychologist, I am not a big fan of spanking, but have been known to plant the flat of the hand on the seat of the pants when defiance threatened to get out of hand. Spanking does model violence and besides it gets over soon. The child feels “absolved” without actually having been required to THINK about the misbehavior and how s/he can avoid making that mistake again.

                The real answer to child discipline and character development lies in three things:

                Both parents on the same sheet of music and no getting to play one against the other. They learn to sneak, manipulate, and lie when they get away with that. Or in the case of single parents, simply being consistent with your limits and boundaries.

                Allowing children to learn to face the natural consequences of their behavior while they are young enough that the price tags are small and not life threatening.

                And seeing to it that when children misbehave that they must OWN the problem, and SOLVE the problem… BEFORE they can go back to enjoying a carefree life.

                Or as I used to tell mine. (With sincere empathy on my face and in my voice.) ” Yeah, I can see you are bummed about this. So, here’s how it works: Take as much time as you need; but you can’t go back to the “scene of the crime” until you figure out a way to solve the problem IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT DOES NOT INCONVENIENCE ME OR ANYONE ELSE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. So….what are you gonna do?” [Always put that problem right back on the child’s shoulders, and then step back and let him generate solutions]

                As they come up with solutions, the questions were always, “And how do you think that would that work out? Will that solution inconvenience or hurt anybody else?” If so, it was… back to the drawing board.

                Children must be consciously taught responsibility starting young and with age appropriate coaching. And, the only way to do that is to create a correctional situation in which the child must OWN and SOLVE the problem. Otherwise they become adult externalizers and projectors who believe that other people are responsible for their feelings, their behavior and the solutions to their personal problems….because somebody somewhere has always run interference for them ( allowing “cake eating”)…preventing them from experiencing the natural consequences of their bad behavior and from owning and solving their personal problems.

                Then we get to read about such people on forums like this one! Most of the spouses we read about on here are likely not actual sociopaths. I’d wager that the majority of them are simply irresponsible and entitled people who have no clue how to behave like an adult.

              • notyou .. Many thanks for your response I appreciate it. I agree with everything you say. However, I still maintain that had my husband at least been smacked on the bottom he may have grown into a decent person, husband and father. Just as an aside, I came from a very abusive home with 2 teenage parents who eventually became alcoholics. I am 2nd in line of 4 children. The brother after me was whipped so much with a leather belt and buckle because my father was so jealous of him because he was mum’s favourite. That brother grew up to be the most wonderful man. A loving husband and father who never once raised his hand or voice to his children. The difference between my brother and my ex husband, well there is no comparison. I personally believe that our rough upbringing built very strong characters. My husband would be the weakest male I have ever encountered. Just my humble opinion.

  • As tempting as it is to:

    Put a Bumper Sticker on OW’s car that says: “I sleep with married guys” and put your cheater’s cell phone number on it as a reference… DON’T DO IT

    Take a picture of your cheater’s skid marks and send it to OW along with an unflattering, casual shot of your cheater with a note: “He’s all yours”… DON’T DO IT

    You know how disordered he is. Anyone who really spends 24/7 time with him will eventually see it too. It is his big secret and it is why so many cheaters want to remain married, because we are their cover.

    However, I have always felt, that it is a rare mistress who doesn’t eventually see the wisdom of the former wife. The next woman may remain with him for decades, but unless she is totally delusional… she knows the score, and it is fitting she lives with it.

    Or as CL says, “Trust that they suck!”

    • I think a “Fantasy Revenge” post would be hilarious and cathartic. What do you think CL?

      If I wasn’t the classy chump I am, I would…

        • I’ll play! If I was not the very classy chump I was I would have done the following;
          1. Sent all the sexually explicit picture STBXH to his work colleagues family members & husband of OW so the entire world the “respectable” Cheating Physician of a scum bag husband I had was not so respectable.

          2. I would have posted his pictures & details of his numerous OW on every single “Cheaters” website & sent links to those websites to everyone we know.

          INSTEAD I got a really good attorney who is getting his cheating ass kicked really good. & I have my life,sanity & dignity back.

          • I think I may be able to trump all the chumps here with plans of revenge.

            My cheater is not even very dignified as far as the cheating goes… no confessions of love for the OW, because there is not one OW… there are just a lot of girls over a 20 year period that he pays either with money or goods or both to have sex with him. Recently, up to 3 different girls per day (I found a morning/noon/evening spreadsheet he did up,that was charming), and if they are over 19 and not skanky, they seem to be of no use to him. It’s so charming.

            I was very tempted to take the hundreds of photos he has taken of girls sucking his dick, print them out, and distribute flyers around the neighborhood.

            However, those around me talked me into waiting until all the mess is over.

            I am in legal possession of my ex’s e-mail files and other materials from his computer.

            There is some pretty strong indication that he has either had sex with or solicited sex from girls who were underage. In my country (Australia), we have some pretty strict child tourist sex laws, and the offender doesn’t have to have been in the country where the girl is, nor does he actually have to have had sex with said girl, just has to solicit sex online, and hold Australian citizenship.

            The charges are criminal, and carry a 10 to 20 year jail sentence.

            Once we have sorted out a settlement, I very much plan to turn the materials I have over to the Australian Federal Police, to let them handle things from there. If he isn’t guilty of such things, then nothing will come of it, but if it turns out he is, it could be some of the best karma ever… and karma I will get to actually know about and watch in action.

            Unfortunately, like most things of this nature, I have to wait until after settlement, because if they were to bring charges against him while we still hold joint funds, then he might go through all our money trying to defend himself. No point shooting myself in the foot.

            Chumps, I will keep you all posted.

            We should have a section in the forums for revenge victories… not the petty kind that we all probably do to some extent during the worst parts of the experience in the early days… but the bona-fide ones where we actually get to watch them have their meltdown and feel some justice invoked!

    • “However, I have always felt, that it is a rare mistress who doesn’t eventually see the wisdom of the former wife. The next woman may remain with him for decades, but unless she is totally delusional… she knows the score, and it is fitting she lives with it.”

      That is a fantastic comment STL!
      What we experienced during our marriages was real, nothing they say can ever change that. Time will eventually reveal that same reality to the new partners and it’s hopefully the lifetime sentence they deserve.
      My eldest daughter rejoiced when my ex left.
      Her attitude was “rather AP and her kids have to deal with his shit than us”
      At 20 she KNOWS that he sucks, as do I and my youngest daughter.

  • Cas, don’t do it. Don’t contact her or him. Stay out of their mess. I get it. I really do. I wanted to shout and do all that, but at the end of the day why bother? What good is going to come of it? I think it’s attention and energy directed at two low-lifes who don’t deserve it.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had these ideas myself. It would feel great to let his AP know that what she did, etc. I haven’t because truly, she’s not worth my time. She is a bottom feeder. I don’t deal with bottom feeders any longer. I can’t be bothered “educating” her on how she did this or that. It’s a bottomless pit and you don’t need to go there no matter how tempting it may be.

    Recently my STBX remarked that his affair partner was “quite remarkable.” I said, “Yes, a woman who f*cks a married man with children is remarkable. She’ll go down in history, loser” And while it felt kinda great to say it, in all honesty it didn’t change a thing. Sure I said it and I have no regrets that I did but meh, he’s still a goofy f*ck and she’s a mixed up piece of work.

    Move on with YOUR life. Don’t look back at those two. Trust me, they deserve each other and you deserve a happier, kinder life. Leave them be and put the focus back on yourself. I bet that one day, and it might be a long while, you’ll look back on all this and know that you handle this the best way you knew with as much class as you could. Be gentle with yourself.

  • Cas,

    Listen to CL and everyone here. We all have or have had revenge fantasies. However, there is a saying, and I can’t remember it verbatim, but it says “When you go out for revenge, make sure you dig two graves,” or something like that. In other words, whatever energy you put out there is the energy that returns to you.

    I wanted to out Reverend I’m-A-Whore to her local newspaper and congregation, as the Entitled Baboon graciously supplied me with photographs of their “lurrve.” However, I didn’t do it and have continued to take the high road. While I have felt hurt, disgusted and so many other things throughout this entire process, I have not felt regret for not engaging them. They want to be engaged, they want to be central, they want you to care. Why give two character-disordered pigs from hell what they want? It makes them crazy when you ignore them. There’s also a saying about wallowing in mud with pigs but the pigs liking it. Those pigs are your (hopefully) STBX and the OW. They are happily wallowing in the mud and liking it. It will serve you better to stay out of it, as you are neither a mud-wallower nor a pig.

    You won’t regret letting an opportunity for revenge go by (although the things you have considered doing are pretty funny). Maintain your dignity, hold your head up and keep moving forward. It will piss them off more than any revenge you attempt to enact.


  • I do agree not to exact revenge, however, I do have a slightly different experience. Since OW was a good friend of mine for 4 yrs we had many emails exchanged while she was fucking my WH – cheap cheap. She was adamant that I NEVER send an email to her work address as they watched everything closely. She loves her job. She also never wanted her daughters to know she was with my H because they know he IS married to me (we knew the kids well). When I saw him shacked up at her place while our divorce proceedings are going through, it pissed me off. I mean, don’t you have the decency to put this LUV aside until this is over for us?? So, I sent a short email to her work address that simply said:
    “Hi friend – help! Why don’t you go screw somebody who isn’t married”. In the subject line.

    Well that was met, of course, with complete silence and since she’d been off work for a week for a hot holiday with my stbx, her bosses and people covering for her at work would have had access to that email. MeBad.

    The affect it had was he moved immediately out of her house and got his own place. Mission accomplished! (hey, he needs to concentrate on coming up with all the paperwork for the summons anyway) She’s so paranoid that her daughters will find out about the affair and I’m sure she is worried now I will contact one of them. (no, I wouldn’t hurt the adult kids like that – that’s too low for me)

    So, I have a feeling they’ve cooled it and probably because the relationship isn’t as exciting now that they’ve been found out and she sees her job could be at risk and her daughters losing respect for her, and I may appear to be a bit vindictive. I’m probably a little scary to her. Too risky for her. Ha – again, mission accomplished.

    I note in his latest divorce papers that he does not want ME to enter his premises without permission. In reply to my request he not enter our married home w/o permission.
    WTH! I have NO desire to see HIS new home. ha – what a joke. So, I think they’re running scared.

    Just my 2 cents – at least it hasn’t backfired on me – YET.

    • I also did one fantasy revenge thing. I found out that Mr. Fucktard had sent flowers to Dr. Whore-tard on her birthday (on our joint Am-Ex, d’oh.) So when that lil’ anniversary came around again, it was about 2 weeks after D-day, so I was white-hot. I found one of those on line places that sends wilted flowers bouquets. Or headless roses. Anyhoo. I had a bouquet of dead flowers sent to her house for her birthday, addressed to Dr. Whore-tard, Adulterer, etc. etc.

      I did get a call from the local police, whom she called. I said, all innocent and shit, “can’t I send somebody flowers for their birthday?”… end of call. (Adultery is a more-than-misdemeanor crime in that state, btw.)

      But the net result? She lawyered up and accused me of harassment–she included a long string of lies of course, and in the end my attorney brokered an ironclad NC agreement that kept the whole beeswax out of court, and it was NC for both me and Mr. Fucktard together, against Dr. Whore-tard, under penalty of law. So, a mixed blessing. But expensive.

      I don’t really regret doing it. Apparently one of her kids got the package. As they say in France, tant pis–loosely translated in this case, too fucking bad, bitch. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. I later found out she was a serial cheat and had ruined a number of marriages, so, like, cry me a river.

      But, be very careful with the revenge business. These cheaters may have much more experience than you anticipate, and know exactly what to do, while you are still spinning like a top.

  • During the ensuing madness in the days after immediately after I discovered his secret life, I did all kinds of things – some I regret and some not so much. I did let all three ho-workers know I was aware, and after receiving a couple of “ha ha” type private messages on FB, I made a visit to each of their husbands and let them know too. I did set up a profile for my husband on Cheaterville, and made petitions that outed the other women in unflattering ways. But I think there’s another kind of revenge that we want when the cake eater moves in with his schmoopie. We want her to know what everything we’ve found out so painfully… but who does it really matter to? I think only our own beat up psyches. I was astounded by my own dark side when D-Day came down. Like Adele sings, he pushed me into his sewer and it took a long time for me to claw my way out of it. But now I know better. Letting him rot in his own “dis”- functional cesspool of nothingness and staying completely away keeps me from being splashed with the sewage of his existence. Any woman who believes that the wife deserved to be betrayed needs to live through being bitch slapped by the Karma bus.

  • yes I played the revenge game three times!!! Once during false reconciliation, I pretended to be him on a FB chat asked her as him why she really loved a liar and cheater and then I called her when he left the second what I wanted to say not in a mean way but that he didn’t work, alcoholic, and that she wasn’t the only one that she can have him and he is not welcome here… basically the truth!!! I also sent her 34 forward text messages of his I love and miss you, made mistakes and sexual ones as well!! Do I regret it all ten months later? Yes and no! I got my say and I know as time ticks in she sees the truth in my words through his actions ( hasn’t paid child support or seen his kids in those months, hes moved in and out of her house twice, owes her family THOUSANDS and has been unemployed, called us drunk on many occasions, and has many new FB friends) but I see that now as I come out of that abuse and cycle.. I do regret that I did not just go away quietly in the night. I think it is true that once you are not part of the equation, reality hits them faster. There is nothing left to fight for!!! There is no competition. It took learning my own lessons to and living quietly with no contact to come to that conclusion!! The karma bus is hitting them financially and children have learned who he really is and they are not his priority and all his promises of visiting and seeing them at breaks is not coming true!! He moved to a different state and promised to see them five six times a year and it is not happening!! I still have my moments and as read all these wonderful comments from chumps..I see what I could not see months ago!! Thanks for always sharing and it helps people daily!!

  • The desire for revenge is real and palpable. I often wondered why my children and I had to live with the consequences of two other people’s bad behavior. In the early days after D-day, I did confront the OW, not because I wanted my husband back so badly, but because I wanted her to be horrified by what she’d done. One of the things I demanded was that she not attend any of her son’s swim practices or swim meets as my youngest was on the same team. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough to my children?” I asked her. She abided by this for about six weeks, but the week before Christmas, I walked in to a swim meet to see her chatting in the stands with another parent. I walked up to her, asked her if she had been busy breaking up any more families, and then turned to the woman sitting beside her and said: you should know she spreads her legs for married men. And then I walked away. She immediately left the pool, and never showed her face at another swim team event for the whole season. Mission accomplished.

    • I have one tiny little revenge like that that I savor………but I didn’t do it.

      I had moved out of town with the kids while the divorce process was still going on. About 7 months before the divorce was final, my super wonderful friend, who never liked the ex much, and HATED phony Christians, caught the STBX sitting with the newborn luv child outside a supermarket branch office of the bank she used. Inside, was the whore, making a deposit. My friend and her son got in line a few deep and she said, “Oh, look Ben, It’s DR. XXXXX’s WHORE!” and then again, LOUDER, when her son said, “What?” Ah, that did my heart good to have a friend who eschews public decorum! The whore grabbed her paperwork and RAN!

      A couple of months before that, when the pregnant whore was trying to horn her way into my children’s lives (just to be supportive), she forced the STBX to take her, big belly, and big boobs to my 13 year old son’s basketball game. My son was mortified. The STBX sat there with his head in his hands not looking at anybody. I later emailed him that if that ever happened again, I would drag the school principal over there an introduce him to my son’s father and his……..”I’m sorry dear, who are you again?”

      They never pulled that stunt again.

      If you’re going to try to shame them, it better be in front of witnesses, since image is all they really care about anyway.

      • I suppose one of my best revenge tactics have been to tell absolutely everybody that knew us exactly what went on. (somebody earlier said they even told the postman – yep, that would be me) Yes, I may regret that someday, but they are taking the risk by asking me and I warn them in advance that I have a new dictionary of words now.

        My H is man who protects his image very carefully.
        He’s successful, charming as a tea set, clever, oh so intelligent, grandiose and these people have looked up to him with deep respect.

        Well, now – not so much.
        Sorry if the truth hurts buddy.
        I feel pretty complete myself.

        • SheChump… my situation exactly.

          Mine is that same charming cerebral narcissist who protects his image vehemently!

          And yeah, he’s smart and needs to appear perfect to everyone around him.

          So I did exactly what you did, if people would ask, they would get an earful. Only the facts. But I had a LOT of facts to provide.

          He tried to get me for defamation once, and then realized he’d have to admit that certain unsvoury e-mails he had sent about screwing whores in Thailand would probably have to become part of the public record if he did… and besides, I didn’t defame him, everything I said was true and i had proof.

          But he is running scared as we approach settlement, and it does my heart good.

  • My current (and favourite) revenge fantasy is that he eventually meets his soulmate. I told my sister this the other day and she said ‘Aw, that’s really lovely Jayne, and good Karma’. I said ‘Well, not that lovely – think about it; it means he’ll be with someone with the same value system, the same sense of entitlement, the same superficial and shallow attitude to other people, the same crazy ability to justify themselves, the same insatiable need for ego boosts, etc, etc, etc’.

    For me, that would be the karma bus rolled right into town! 😀

    • There’s a quote I can’t find, but it rang true for me. Back when I was doing the “shame on YOU” version of the pick-me dance, I’d texted it to my STBXH. I don’t think it landed. It said something like, “When seeking your soulmate, beware the content of your soul.”

      Truth is, I believe my xH HAS found a soul mate. Ew. Both are empty, broken people. They are perfect for each other.

  • “If you think you’re depriving your husband of his Sunshine — this is a many-headed hydra. Cut one off, another one grows. OW are everywhere. He wants to cheat, he’ll cultivate another OW. She’s not special. She’s available.”

    Spot on. When I considered beating up the little twerp doing my (now ex) wife, I reminded myself that it wasn’t worth it (and I let it go). More to the point, he wasn’t the real problem. He was just the fool who was available. If it wasn’t him, it would be another one. Just as CL says here about the OW.

    • I guess mine did me a favour in that respect then.

      He pays for his OW.

      He doesn’t even have high enough self-esteem to get them on his charm… hehe!

      So basically he doesn’t have a “We’re in wuv” sort of situation at all. I’m sure he’ll eventually get one, because he’s a momma’s boy and needs someone around to do his laundry and tell him how wonderful he is. He’s been relying on his actual momma to fill that role in the short-term, and she’s a doormat, so she takes it.

      Since our split, his trips to the candy bar seem to have become less frequent. Either he’s exhausted his money supply or the teenagers he was buying shoes to sleep with him could no longer cope with a fat, ugly, old, hairy, smelly guy and there are none left willing, he’s exhausted his supply. Probably a bit of both.

      In any case. Ha ha. That’s good enough revenge for now.

  • Cas: I found the secret cell phone and had the same thoughts but decided I would rather monitor than reveal. I did send the better text messages to my cell and have a small collection. Plus her picture. now the tables have turned she dumped him and he is love bombing me so these little messages help me keep focused on what a POS he has become. Today he asked where his wedding band is ( took it off when he decided NOT to celebrate our anniversary 7/13 and I packed it away with my jewelry) But I digresse what I wanted to say is that since she and he are still friends on FB and her picture kept floating across the top of my page (People You May Know) on impulse I sent her a friend request and she accepted! Driving the H nuts.

  • I always think of Sandra Bullock, who just kicked her cheating asswad to the curb and went on to have an awesome life afterward. She didn’t say anything, but her refusal to engage spoke volumes. It basically told the world, “I am a class act and I’m not wasting time with a dirt bag.” And her ex just kind of slipped back into the gutter without her.

  • Cas,
    for me it was awful to realise that my ex was cheating on me. 18 years and four beautiful daughters. What had happened?

    I went into melt down. I tracked the stupid skanky whore down, I fronted her.
    But you know in the end I just wanted her to know who I was! I was the victim the wife, the mother in this awful movie that was my marriage.

    That I was a real person!

    ( And boy did I day dream different revenge scenarios. )

    But you know it did backfire. As the numpty ex took her side, ramped up contact with her to see if she was “okay”.

    So, I believe if you can be strong and with hold the revenge mode but instead lawyer up, get your finances set and have a PLAN and be brave and true to yourself.
    Then you are basically applying the best revenge plan ever.

    • When you lay down with dogs, you get fleas! I got revenge on OW. Their sick little game to enrage me worked in my favor. Crazy ho sent my 16 yr old daughter some crazy text messages when she didn’t contact her dad on Father’s Day. It was so sick and abusive on both their parts. Rather than go off verbally or in person , I took a few deep breaths and promptly called the police! My silence was heard loud and clear!

  • I haven’t read all the comments, so someone may have already said it, but the way to exact your revenge, since you know about the affair and he doesn’t know, is to do proper digging before you get out.

    Hire a P.I. if you have to. Pore through his things… carefully so he doesn’t notice, to find any hidden financials, any money he has spent on this relationship. Compile your info, consult a good lawyer, make a plan, and then serve him.

    Once he knows you know, he will start to actively hide things, and you won’t know how much of your marital assets he has wasted over the years. Find this out first, get your proof, and go after him to get your half back.

    Where I come from, it’s called “waste” and it is marital assets that you did not benefit from in any way. Courts will often give you half back, or at least give you a higher percentage of the assets when they split things up.

    Get this info and do your research while you have access to these things. Get your plan all lined up and THEN dump his sorry ass.

    The best revenge is to leave him as penniless as possible, and wondering exactly what happened. And because you know and he doesn’t know you know, you are in a perfect position to do just that!

    • Do not play this trick. First of all,the texts will stop. You need these to get you motivated and angry enough to leave. If you tip your hat they will go way underground with the affair.Your H may even apologize and be nice to you. After all, then he won’t have his cake.You may even think he’s changed. Regardless,you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to find more proof. He knows this and will be even more sneaky. Take the high road. You don’t play childish games. You have character,they do not. Don’t let on you know. Get your stuff and plan together. File for divorce. The best revenge is letting them have each other. Good luck!

  • Cas, these ideas for revenge will only make them happy. Srsly, the OW will have confirmation that what your fucked up husband told her is true, and he will get more smoop while being able to paint you crazier than ever. If you are bent on revenge then come up with something life altering, but I don’t see any point, do you really think you’d feel good if you did any of this stuff?

    I’m not just doing theory here. I could have easily gotten the OW fired (elementary school teacher and serious ethical issues) and fucked up the ex’s deal with her. But for what? If you fuck up his relationship with OW he is going to concentrate on you again for a while, or get all pissed that you hurt his shmoopie OW, nope you don’t want that. Concentrate on getting your divorce and not getting screwed over while you do it. Funnel all that anger into helping yourself, go kick some legal ass Cas

  • Life doesn’t imitate “The Godfather” – you can’t just make a couple of calls and eliminate all your problems, although I have heard the right lawyer can be pretty good.

    I could ruin my XW’s career by telling the right people the truth, but then again the people I would tell the truth to would probably either not believe me (the whole “bitter ex” nonsense) or want to cover it up, so it’s really no use to try.

    Let them go and let them rot.

  • In the beginning I was obsessed with her – why he liked her, getting revenge, embarrassing them. Ultimately I tried to assert myself and get her to back off. Of course that didn’t work and he didn’t want to stop. Oddly enough, the farther I get emotionally from the whole situation, I kinda feel sorry for her. My ex is a sociopathic narcissist, that I’m pretty sure of. She made some bad decisions, but in some ways she reminds me of me 10 years ago. In love, a little naive, and buying his bullshit. I know for a fact that she loves him – he implied as much in our counseling sessions with this smug, disturbing look on his face. He got off on the fact he had two women vying for his attention – no real love there on his part. I’ve already heard through the grapevine that they went from “being in a committed relationship” to him saying they aren’t together, implying that she’s unstable and crazy. Hmmmmmm…….I’d be willing to bet that any crazy behavior she exhibited may have been in direct correlation to his mindfuckery.

    Karma has also reared it’s ugly head for her in being hauled into court by yours truly to testify to her bahvior. I’ve also heard through the grapevine that my lovely ex brings home a new girl every week but yet still takes her out as his girlfriend – so he’s already been cheating on her too. I cant say I’m surprised, but I never felt like she was like him. He’s cold and unfeeling; she probably genuinely loved him. Even if she feels only a fraction of what I felt, she’s gotta be in some pain right now. I (almost) feel sorry for her because I fell for the same person. He’s a very good liar and master manipulator and I don’t think anyone really deserves to be used i the way he uses people. I hope she learned a valuable lesson, but I no longer have hate for this woman. She did GIANT favor in getting me out.

    Karma for my ex – he’s feeling some pain, I cut him out of any money he could have gotten from me, he’s lost some friends over the whole thing – but I still have hate for him. I’d love to see a rock bottom fall of epic proportions. I’m definitely not at meh yet….

    • ugh I feel the same!! I at times feel sorry for her and her chidren but then my mind shifts to her flying here 3 times knowing he was married and one time he didn’t even meet her! Karma has put her broke and him with no job and her alimony and child support about to end

    • For the first year or so I too felt a bit sorry for the OW. I figured that, with his usual good taste, the ex had found himself another chump, and had probably lied to her about our already being separated, or at least about the marriage being ‘all but over’. It would have been easy; he got involved with her while working out of town 4 days a week, for months. It would have been pretty stupid of her to believe those kinds of lies, but I could see it happening.

      Then, during his second serious reconciliation attempt (there were a couple of gestures in between too), I actually considered informing her that he was trying to cheat on her, with me. Hey, I would have wanted to know! Until he informed me that ‘she understands’ about his cheating, because her previous marriage had ended when she had an EA (hah, yeah, nothing physical …. Sure.) And that she had hit on him big time when he started working in her office, knowing very well that he was married (well, common-law, this is Quebec!) with young teens. (And I actually believe that; my ex is socially awkward and totally lacking in confidence; his only serious girlfriend prior to me had hit on him, the 2 women he cheated on her with did the same, as did I, and the first OW 6 years previously. Lucky for him he’s good-looking!)

      So that’s when I realized the OW is as bad as he is. They truly do deserve each other. And I wish them every possible joy of having a committed relationship with a cheating, self-centered, entitled liar. She did me a big favour.

      • That’s how I see the OW too, no matter what her issues, she accidentally did me a favor. I don’t feel I owe her jack shit for it though. I would note, the ex told me many things the OW said – I don’t believe any of it. Liars lie about everything dontcha know? For example; when I was hard core divorcing his ass he was still pretending to the OW that I was desperately trying to save the marriage and he didn’t want to hurt me. He continued to sneak around because he preferred it that way. I did not let the OW know he was lying to her, why bother – she signed up for that the day she decided a married man was her “soul mate”.

  • I have had my fair share of revenge fantasies. 🙂 One of them consists of recording the conversation I have with STBX when I confront him with the affair and tell him we’re getting divorced. In that fantasy, he’ll say he doesn’t really love OW. I would not believe him but send her the recording after the divorce has been finalized so that she’d toss him out on his ear. Of course, the flaw in that plan is the assumption he’ll say he loves me. 😛

    Truthfully, the one piece of real revenge will be to let the two have each other. He’s very high maintenance, and hey! He screws around with his staffers! He is also lousy at budgeting, but since I have very few wants and needs, I don’t break the bank. She is very high maintenance, and hey! She’s got a history of screwing around with married men. STBX is not the first, and certainly will not be the last. She’s very expensive, and has all sorts of wants and needs–often met by frequent trips to Walmart, but you know, it all adds up. And she drinks. A lot.

    So I’m practicing my script for telling him that, while I’m devastated, I can’t bring myself to stand in the way of their Twu Wuv. 😀

  • I’m all for revenge but as a dish served cold. A well thought out, carefully mastered plan. Something that goes beyond sending an email or a text (CL is correct: with so many means of communication, this one wont work.)
    Can you sabotage her job? Can you plant a vicious rumor?

  • In the burning heat of my anger and despair in the early days, I plotted some very extravagant revenge. I was counselled by a very wise friend who listened to my wild schemes and twisted logic. She countered every idea I had with “you could…. but you won’t”. Looking back, I shudder when I think about it. And I still thank her every day for preserving my dignity!!
    It’s never worth it…. don’t give them any ammunition to use against you.

  • Oh how I wanted to embarrass her and the prick she rode in on, too. But to what end?

    I remember in the beginning when I was out for blood my lawyer telling me to always take the high road. Why? Because I have children. At times it was so hard to walk that road when I knew my ex was living la vida loca with his whore.

    I’m several years out now and I’m glad I followed my lawyer’s advice. Did I plot in my head how to do it? Sure. It was delicious to do. But I never acted on it. I learned early on in dealing with a narc that apathy is so much more effective.

    Time has taught me one thing – she didn’t betray me and my family. He did. She’s simply some skank who fucked a married man. In my case, the one who was married to me. Had he had the moral fortitude to do what most men do when put in that position, he would have walked away. Being the sociopathic narc that he is, he kowtowed to the siren call of her genitals.

    Several years and a span that involves hundreds of miles later (I was one of the lucky ones where he moved away with her to her wuv nest), I recently had the “pleasure” of seeing them in action. She is older than him, not very attractive and as dumb as a stump.

    There are days I still resent him giving her the life I worked my ass for during our 25+ year marriage. But revenge is a dish that has been served up sweet. He got what he wanted – her. And better yet – she got him! As I often say to people when they ask if I’m bitter – ” No, not at all. I wish them both all of the happiness they so richly deserve.”

  • Dear Chump Lady & Fans:

    I wanted to email this directly to CL, but couldn’t access her email address. Perhaps a new article on the potential violence that can occur is in order. She may have done that already, not sure. (or google Alan Kustok), many articles on this tragic story. )

    Please read this article about a murder trial in south suburban Chicago. I think it would be helpful for everyone to read. It is flabbergasting to read the words of the defense attorney, for the accused killer (the cheater husband). It’s an important story, in that, it give a glimpse into the world of a seemingly “perfect” family and marriage as so many of us thought we had. If you don’t think your cheater could get violent, as I thought in the beginning, please, please, please, read this story and realize that it could be you if you don’t leave, take action, lawyer up, change locks, all the advice on here.

    • My email is

      Horrible story. Interesting how they got one of his AP’s to testify — they met on Ashley Madison. A really good look at how torrid and pathetic those affairs are.

      I hope Kustok is convicted. His defense is totally absurd. (She shot herself in the face and then folded her arms across her body in repose? WTF?)

      Oh and his lawyer’s comment that prosecution needs to stop bringing up the affairs because it will make Kustok “seem” like a bad man. No, he IS a bad man!

      • OMG! Hadn’t read that article. What a piece of garbage that woman is. She went home about 3 or 4 am after sleeping with him in the motel behind the bar, to be home for her kids!!!!!!!!!!!! What? God help these people. Now her poor kids can google Mom’s name and see what she was really up to! Copied from the article: Kregelka said she was initially bashful around Kustok, who she believed was eager to get intimate. She said she was “like a freshman with the captain of the football team on a date,” and that she “felt pressured” to have sex with him.

        Pretty sure a 14 year old would have more sense than this sorry excuse for a woman and a mother, to boot! Does this kook realize she is at a MURDER trial? A wife, mother, sister, friend was MURDERED and she is making cutesy comments about dating the captain of the football team! Lord, help us all…

      • I think I’m probably the chump poster child for this topic. Glad I wasn’t a headline, that could have been me, glad I’m still here. That’s why when anyone posts that their spouse goes into rages or anything of that nature, I warn about how they can escalate to physical abuse when you attempt to leave them. If your spouse is emotionally abusive, and especially if he likes or owns a gun – don’t discount the possibility that he will up the ante when the emotional abuse no longer works on you.

        • I’m glad you weren’t a headline either. That poor woman. Perhaps she confronted him about the adultery, etc. It is really chilling the lengths they will go to to keep their dirty little secrets. Getting worried as I have my first court hearing coming up and haven’t seen him in 6 mos. Finally stopped responding to his texts/emails about 5 mos. ago. He still sends me emails telling me what he is sending me in the mail, checks, etc. He is now backed into a legal corner and the gavel is about to come down on his carefree lifestyle and lack of financial support. Almost want to bring a bodyguard to escort me in and out of the building in the event he trys to approach me…Still hard for me to realize that this is my life now. Everyone that knows us feels the same. Just crazy…

          • Good idea, that, MM. Bodyguards are an excellent idea.

            Perhaps ones that are not so obviously bodyguards, however. Perhaps a couple of friends or family. After all, it is common for friends and family to attend hearings.

            He may pull some kind of objection if it is obvious. Or, it could escalate his internal distress.

            Check out William “Bill” eddy’s books on the subject of high conflict people in divorces and in legal disputes.

            Forge on, friend…..

  • For me, I do recognize that it was my cheater ‘s actions of taking those first steps down the path of infidelity, that impacted me most directly. However, it is hard for me in my stupid naivete, to wrap my mind around another woman, another “sister” if you will, in this day in age, to believe the smarmy lies of a married man. In the end, isn’t the OW MORE of a CHUMP than we are?

  • I’ve never met the OW, never cared to find out anything about her aside from what my kids have told me in conversation. Yes, I’ve had my revenge fantasies, but they always involved Toddler Boi, never her; I’m pretty sure that if it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else. And I did not, thank goodness, act on any of these elaborate and often gruesome fantasies, my mental and physical survival taking priority through even the worst of it. I knew somehow that all that energy needed to be put into me, diverted from him, if I was to come out of this thing intact.

    Yesterday I went snowshoeing with one of my boys up a local mountain through a Christmas card landscape, 20 km of beautiful trails and happy conversation. Son told me that the last time his dad visited, the old man was winded walking from the parking lot to the lobby of the apartment building, maybe a half a block on flat ground, and had to stop and catch his breath for several minutes. Toddler-Boi is distraught and confused that I have filed for divorce, that I won’t give him everything and slink away, that he actually has to man up and do something himself around valuing our business, our house, our marriage, that the divorce will go through regardless of what he may want.

    Life, and STBX’s life choices, seems to have provided any revenge that I needed without me paying any attention to him at all. And OW? I can only silently thank her now for taking an old, sick, bitter child-man off my hands so that I can finally live my life with joy. Revenge is, indeed, a dish best eaten cold.

  • I remember telling my grown daughter, early on, that I was taking the high road always. She very much appreciated it, bc my ex married OW and my daughters had to deal with her. I had spent 38 years creating a harmonious family, and was not going to spoil it with ugly behavior, even though sorely tempted. On one horrible day, when she (OW) had asked me point blank about my ex’s snoring (so intrusive and inappropriate) I did begin to seethe. I told my daughter that I would still stay on the high road, but I wish that OW would get on it with me, so I could run her over. My daughter replied that if I was running people over on the high road, I was not really on it! I have never ever faced off with her, and I usually just pretend I’m not quite sure who she is when we have to be at the same family events. I just act bemused.

  • Or the saying, ‘Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty and the pig likes it.’

    I have to say I didn’t take the high road at first and I confronted the OW big time and guess what? I looked like the bat shit crazy wife. No Wonder he had to cheat on me! She ‘saved’ him from me.
    Yeah, there’s no winning on this deal.

    I’ve never been treated so despicably and I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. Since I’m good to people, they’ve been good to me back for the most part. It was so humiliating and devastating that my husband who I thought loved me with his whole heart and soul could do such a thing. Ouch.

    CL is right on with her advice Cas. I wish this site would have been here when I was spinning out of control on a daily basis.

  • CL is right, no point doing any ‘revenge prank’. Even well-intended communication bites you back.

    I decided 8 months ago, to contact the OW, basically to say “I just dumped him, you are welcome to have him, but be aware he is a bad liar and a sneaky cheat. He’s cheated on several girlfriends with several women.” or something like it. Facebook being facebook, she only just read it this weekend.

    Ex-bf contacted me furious as I had ruined his happiness. Because I meddled. They broke up 7 months ago, how could I retrospectively ruin his happiness? Oh, the entitlement.

    Now imagine I had done something different, like insult her, or prank her, etc. I did not want to give her any legal reason to get back at me so I carefully worded it as a ‘FYI, know what you are getting into’

    Just walk away.

  • Funny revenge ideas…loved the hell out of them, but…

    Personally, I feel like nothing says FUCK YOU more loudly than immediate and continued NC while you live your own life.

    I know it’s hard to put your mind in the place of your narcissistic, manipulative abuser, but trust me, no matter what they say, they get an ego boost out of knowing that the person they’re cheating on is upset, devastated, unable to sleep… all of that. Attempting to extract revenge, while it could be very embarrassing to them, does nothing but confirm that they are THE SHIT incarnate. “I am so damn great, look what my ex was willing to do to get my attention.” Trying to get revenge is like feeding yourself the shit sandwich.

    No thanks. I’d prefer he chew on how easy it was for me to walk away and never look back.

    • I respectfully disagree on some aspects of attempting revenge on OW or cheaters. While I agree that “real” revenge is living well, as they say, there’s something equally satisfying at the kind of revenge that is planned out carefully, if one has the time and resources. It’s delayed gratification, if you will. Maybe it’s also just my personality that had always seeked justice, I hold grudges for long, etc.

      In my own situation, I waited a few weeks to confront OW’s husband and once I did it, I made sure to do it on Thanksgiving Day, around dinner time, and knowing that they also had other family members present. And while not the “high road” move, believe me, knowing I was dealing with trashy folk to begin with, I have no regrets about that. I’ve done other similar things, nothing major, just planting a lot of seed here and there in revealing OW true character. We’re talking about sharing my story with whomever would listen, including hairdressers, neighbors… and yes, making sure her full name is mentioned enough to remember.

      • Love it!!! A side of nasty news with your turkey anyone? No need to let it take a couple of days to get around!

  • “my husband and his “sweetie pie.” Though sometimes she’s “my sunshine” and “baby.” In 14 years of marriage we’ve never used grandma-style terms of endearment with one another, although I do sometimes use them with my two small children.”
    I hear ya there, Cas! In our almost 25 year marriage and 26 years of being together, he never used any terms of endearment with me. But now, he and the OW call each other “honey”, “darlin”, and other disgusting names that make me want to puke! Anyone have any reason why? I don’t understand why he uses those terms with HER, yet never once used them with me!!

    • I think it’s because they can’t for the life of them really remember their names! Think about it, in the throes of passion yelling “oh baby doll” is a lot better than yelling your wife’s name by accident! Ha! Ha!

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