Dear Chump Lady,
I am a chump. My husband has cheated several times and I have let him have the cake. No boundaries. I don’t know what I thought. I think I had paralysis by analysis. I thought I was being the forgiving one, a good person. I have been over thinking everything. Worried that it wasn’t a good time to file because of one excuse or another.
I’ve just been SCARED!!!! I have been going to therapy which has given me balls!!! Best thing ever. Every time I had caught him he showed some remorse, but never begged and became transparent. It was always my fault.
Anyway, I asked him to leave in September (after I planted a recorder in his truck) and he stayed gone for all of three days. Then we settled back into this song and dance of avoidance. I continued to go to therapy and contacted a lawyer. Anyway! I am about to file. It has taken me the through the holidays because of my children. Here I am and he is feeling the shift. Major! He still isn’t professing his undying love for me or begging for my forgiveness, but he is acting moody and irritated about the change in my behavior. Now he is acting “sick”! Why do they do this? Do you have something already written about this poor pitiful me behavior? He thinks it’s his heart. Which is hilarious!
Has he seen a doctor for his acute kibble deficiency? Symptoms include sullenness, mawkish displays of mortality, and an inability to do jack shit for oneself. Most health providers recommend a strong dose of Vitamin N, aka Vitamin NO. As in, no fucking way am I engaging with you. Stay the course and deny kibbles. The illness will pass through several stages:
1. The Extreme Self Pitying Stage. The sniveling you see today is nothing compared to the total onslaught of self pity that occurs after Vitamin N is administered. How could you?! Don’t you know they’re broken/grieving too/have deadlines at work/inflamed sinuses/toxic shame/tennis elbow/student loan debt/pneumonia? Your refusal of kibbles could not come at a WORSE TIME! If they die/become inconvenienced/have to change the laundry around — this is all on your HEAD! That’s just the way you are, so selfish/uncaring/staggeringly unkind.
Stay the course, Diane. With any luck, he’ll hold his breathe, turn blue, and pass out. Shuts him up temporarily anyway.
2. The Okay, I’m Really Sorry, You Made Me Say It, THERE! Stage. He’s sorry now. You wanted an apology? He’s SORRY. There. He said it. Are you happy now? Mistakes were made. He can say it (in the passive voice). Now will you drop it? Can’t he just go back to cake-y deliciousness of the way things used to be?
Why do you have to be such a bitch?! (Buckle yourself in for the next part of the ride. We are now phasing into…)
3. The Rage Stage. The cessation of kibbles is realized. It gets very, very ugly. He will pull out every stop. How can you DESTROY OUR CHILDREN’S HOME, Diane? I guess you’re just SELFISH that way! No one will ever love you! You’re ruined! He will see to your personal destruction!
Blah blah fuckity blah.
Pay no attention. Give it all to your lawyer. It’s what the kibble-deprived do. They’re not right in the head.
The self pity, the “remorse,” and the anger are all designed to get a reaction from you — more cake and kibbles. Do NOT do it. Vitamin N his ass.
And if he’s truly ill? Then you tell him “When you cheated on me, you fired me from the job of giving a shit. You and your health issues are not my problem any longer.”
Get yourself free, Diane. Straight ahead and don’t look back.