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Dear Chump Lady, I have cancer. But the OW “suffers.”

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I’ve made a complete and total eejit of myself this week……so ashamed…..

One and a half years ago husband starts affair. Simultaneously turns into a monster overnight. All the usual — lies, gaslighting, accusations, buying me presents, disappearing, feeling sorry for himself, refusing marriage counselling, refusing to say marriage is over blah blah and into the twilight zone for me.

One year ago I am diagnosed with cancer. He spends appointment fainting and being fanned by a nurse, the afternoon crying about how sad his life is, disappears next morning for two and a half weeks and fails to respond to texts, etc. Later I found out he was at her house. He comes back (after my scans, chemo, lost my hair etc.) and tells me repeatedly he’s not cheating on me.

Then disappears again leaving me very ill. Whereupon I discover various lies and give him an ultimatum to come back and man up or get lost. D day. He tells me he is having affair and dumps me. I throw him out, divorce him before he knows what’s hit him, buy a flat — all during chemo, surgery, radiotherapy. He continues lying, playing mind games, never offers any help with my treatment/the divorce etc. and cries about how people aren’t as sympathetic to him as he had anticipated. Since January when I (on my own) finished all the break-up bureaucracy, I’ve been sticking to no contact. Overall it has been utter hell for a year and a half and I have been so heartbroken and grief-striken, the pain is beyond words.

The problem: This week I stumbled on emails from him to her on my computer proving yet more lies and that he’d taken her on a dirty weekend to the same place we’d been on holiday that year way back nearly a year and a half ago. I lost the plot. It was something about seeing it in black and white. I rang her. She told me she knew all along he was married. I emailed him. His response: “Congratulations for making her suffer.” For real.

My friend said this is like Jerry Springer. I lost it even more and have spent the week crying, not eating, not able to work, and sending a range of truly deranged emails that made me look like an absolute crazy. Now I’m feeling back to square one, plus with a total loss of dignity. How do I pick up from here? Is it normal to make a prize ass of yourself in these situations? Really, I’m struggling a lot to get over this because I can’t do any of the normal things people do — I’m too sick to socialise, make new friends and finding it hard enough to keep clean, fed, and watered. I’d really appreciate some wise words from you if you have any to spare.


Dear M,

I actually don’t have any words.

Sometimes, I think I’ve read it all on my site. Cheaters who leave women pregnant with a toddler at home, skanks with so many affair partners the poor chump has to check the paternity of his kids, discovery of exorbitant hooker habits, parents who walk out on their children without so much as as backwards glance. And I think I’ve even read here of chumps being cheated on while battling cancer. But yours is the first letter I’ve read where you’re battling cancer AND D-Day AND the nightmare of divorce logistics all on your own.

I mean WOW. M, you are MIGHTY. You’re sitting there bald, puking your guts out from chemo, and you divorce the son of a bitch.

Read the last post of how people stay stuck. How chumps spend years waffling, undecided. Days of ennui, staring at their half-finished copies of “Not Just Friends.” The sad self destructiveness, the inertia and indecision — and YOU M, you get up from your fucking DEATH BED and divorce him before he knows what hit him! Hell, you even manage a REAL ESTATE TRANSACTION. You bought a flat? M, in the months after D-Day, I couldn’t even buy a sandwich without apoplexies of self doubt.

And cancer thinks it can kick your ass? Cancer fucked with the wrong woman. You are a warrior, M! An INSPIRATION. And you’re beating yourself up again, why? Because you sent a sociopath a nasty email? Because despite incredible valor and superhuman powers of composure, you slipped up and lost your shit?

When he accused YOU of making the OW “suffer” — that’s the kind of provocation that kills people. It’s the most obscene blame shifting. It’s the cruelest thing he could say to invalidate YOUR suffering — the one-two punch of his betrayal AND a life-threatening illness. Oh yeah, those are a cake walk compared to an unsettling phone call from the wife of your boyfriend.

This is where I don’t have words. To tell you what a disordered, cruel, fuckwit he is. The peddlers of “compassionate divorce” can bite me — is it normal to make a prize ass of yourself and lose your dignity? YES, it’s normal. YES, you’re human and you’re mad as hell and you’re not going to take it any more. You told those two cheaters what pieces of shit they are, and you lost your cool. And so WHAT?

You didn’t napalm them, you didn’t put a bullet through their heads, you didn’t run them over with your car and then throw it in reverse. You kept your dignity and you divorced him. Alone. Without one bit of help from him. (Asshole.) You faced the worse crisis of your life like a hero. And then one day, you discover the betrayal was worse than you knew, and you got righteously pissed off.

And your mistake — why you’re feeling like an ass — is you directed that grief and rage to someone who just doesn’t give a fuck. No, worse, he takes your grief and rage (which he so deserves, which is infinitesimal compared to what he should be forced to hear), and he uses it to injure you further. You exposed your vulnerability to him, and that’s why you’re embarrassed. Your rage and hurt give him centrality and he uses that to hurt you. This is why no contact is essential — don’t let him keep hurting you.

He is a wicked, horrible person. It’s okay to show your grief to good people who love you. But you can’t show your ex your grief. He is impervious to shame. Clearly, he feels zero shame or he would not be capable of cheating and abandoning you this way. You may as well try to shame a doorpost. He cannot feel a fraction of your pain — and attempting to reach him will drive you insane. So please stop.

Delete any more evidence of his affairs you have. Erase your hard drive. He is your ex, and assuming you have no children with him, you never, ever have to speak with him again. You need to heal — on all fronts — and no contact is the best way to do that. Keep his crazy away from you! Your job right now is to just to grieve and heal. You’ve already been totally amazing, so let’s shelf socializing, and getting out right now. We need to kick cancer’s ass, so your ex cannot have any of your precious energy.

When you need to scream at the unfairness of it all — scream. Scream to us, we get it. No one here is going to hold you up to some impossible standard of zen perfection. You’ve been through HELL. Be kind to yourself, and you can start by recognizing that you’re amazing and strong, and not an eejit or a prized ass. You’ve been waging a war of self preservation on all fronts! You don’t think Winston Churchill lost his shit some days? When the Germans were dropping bombs on London, do you think he struck a yoga pose and said, “Gee, I feel like an idiot, being so bitter about the Germans. If they would just consciously uncouple from Poland, I’m sure we could all get along for the sake of Europe. I should find my compassion! I probably contributed in some fashion to Hitler’s invasions, (I can be a pompous windbag and… I do smoke). Perhaps these bombs were sent here to teach me a spiritual lesson…”

No. This is what Winston Churchill said:

“Never give in – never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

“Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.”

You had some bumps last week on the long, hard road M — but victory is yours. Don’t lose sight of that. He’s out of your life — you achieved that, and it’s a huge achievement. You never yielded. You did not let him destroy you. Cancer did not destroy you. Keep up the good fight. We’ve got your back.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • M, I too am speechless (and that takes a lot for me!). Of course you lost your shit, so what, we all have. He is a demonic piece of crap. He is vile. I cannot find the words bad enough to describe your ex. I wish I could just hug you. Fight that fucking cancer and win, leave that POS ex to the life he apparently craves, with his POS girlfriend. So you yelled at her and made her “suffer”? Good, I hope she did, they should go die. They are for all intents and purposes dead people walking, let them go. The thing about violating NC is that you can always go back and start again (sort of like a reborn virgin). Shrug your shoulders and go back to NC and take care of YOU.

    (((Hugs))), prayers and <3

    • Yeah, final OW (final of many others, even when he was seeing her) maintains that I was ‘not nice’ during the breakdown of my family. She can SUCK IT. Dumb cow was screwing my husband and they both say i was ‘crazy’ for being upset? Fuck them both. You only hurt as deep as you feel. They can both kiss my sweet ass.

      • You should have been skipping and dancing and rubbing your palms together with glee….we are the lucky ones!

    • Worst thing I’ve heard here. CL can’t we have his e-mail so we can light him up…… Stay strong M he is truly beyond a fucktard.

  • M, I get the Jerry Springer reference. After things got rolling and I made some new friends as I changed my life I had more than one person saying, ‘Bloody hell, it’s like a bloody Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle episode’. Because although we had money and status and had moved and grooved in some pretty rarified circles he was no different than those ‘who’s your baby daddy’ buys on those shows and I was no different than the blindsided women, except I didn’t throw punches (although I might have, given the right circumstances).

    You’ve been through hell and I thought my story was about as bad as one could hear – fuck him, and fuck everything you thought he stood for. You’ve managed to do the toughest thing: divorce the asshat … and you did it while going through what is I imagine one of the scariest and most difficult times of your life – fighting/beating cancer.

    Consider all of this a chance to live a new, more free life that does not involve someone who treats you like crap. Finish the divorce, do not give that asshole one iota of you, and go forge a new life. You sound amazing. Go be your amazing self and no matter what happens do not let this fuckwad anywhere near you. He is horrible and the best/worst thing you can do is simply SHUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN. Do not give him a single thing, not even the joy of seeing your face. He loses. You win. Fuck him. I want to take a tyre iron to him on your behalf, to be honest. And I’m not a violent lady.

    • And do not worry about any dumb shit you did. Fuck that. You were dealing with not just one but TWO major and life changing events. You went a bit nuts? Big Fucking Deal. I’m not one to blame others but yeah, he can suck it … it’s all on him, even your crazy.

  • Ugh…can I just say this asshole is one useless motherfucker? I mean, really? You’re going through the incredible fear of cancer and he is basically talking about his dick needs? Fuck him. Let him die alone, because that will be what happens. Or even worse, he ends up with OW, who doesn’t have the history and won’t want to deal with his old man shit. Gah, I hate these people who don’t value one fucking thing.

    Sorry folks, feeling a bit rambunctious.

    • M, your courage and resilience is mind-boggling. If that’s what being an ‘eejit’ looks like, sign me up now! And Chump Lady, I seriously love you. Thank GOD I found this website.

    • Nord,

      I’m enjoying you being “rambunctious.” 🙂


      Ditto about SERIOUS Chump Lady love.

    • What pisses me off is that thanks to shitheads like that spewing their sperm willy-nilly, they get to pass on more DNA into the gene pool as if they deserve it.

      Hope he gets syphillis and his dick falls off.

      • “Hope he gets syphillis and his dick falls off.”

        I concur. He is a spectacular scum-sucking amoeba from hell.

  • M,

    (((HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS))).

    Oh my. My dear, you are nowhere near being an “eejit” and you have nothing, not one thing, of which to be ashamed. I am in awe of your power, strength and determination. You dear, sweet M are what everyday heroes look like. If you are an “eejit,” then I pray to be become one.

    You were systematically tortured by possibly two of the foulest pieces of shit on the planet earth and you finally lost it and, as they like to say, had a moment? Consider this M – if they made this part of your life into a movie, at the point where you finally lose your shit, everyone in the theater would be standing up cheering.

    Where is a guillotine when you need one? I can’t think of any two people more deserving of a beheading than your Swine-Beast Ex and the “Suffering” Skankerceraptor.

    Hold your head up M. You have nothing of which to be ashamed. You are one of the Mightiest of the Mighty. I salute you.

      • I love you, Chump Princess. You always say it in the most perfect way. Because if any of this shit was a movie the crowd watching could only stand a cheer when the person being fucked over finally got the balls to walk away.

        This is something all us chumps should remember: who would you cheer for, if you weren’t so deeply involved in the clusterfuck? Let that be your guide.

    • Oh YES Pincess, exactly it….the crowd would cheer when she lost her shit and told those POS off! Well we are he crowd for M, M you go girl!

    • “Consider this M – if they made this part of your life into a movie, at the point where you finally lose your shit, everyone in the theater would be standing up cheering.”

      Exactly this. You are indeed mighty – and human, so finally “losing it” in the face of overwhelming evil, selfishness, and unfairness? Well deserved. Human.

      When you have time, read and reread the thread on “Mighty Chumps”. You belong there too. But in between all of our Mighty Moments, I think most of us can find some “losing it” moments. It happens. You are free.

  • Hahah, well, you know what happened, don’t you?

    Read the words–“Congratulations for making her suffer.”

    Which really means, “You made her bitch and moan to me about what a mean woman you are, and it was such a hassle, trying to calm her down. The drama was a TOTAL DRAG. If you don’t mind, I’d like her focus to be on ME, and I’d like her to be calm and guiltless and DTF whenever I want it. m-K? So please refrain from injecting your reality into my fantasy, because it’s bummin’ me out!”

    He’s a fucking asshole. DO NOT CONTACT HIM OR HER EVER AGAIN. It will ONLY result in MORE pain for you, not less. Think about it–you felt pain upon discovery of another humiliation, and after throwing it back at them, now you feel worse. They cannot feel normal human emotions–they are disordered turds. You want nothing to do with them, for you are awesome, and they can only bring you down. Get as far away as you can. SILENCE IS GOLDEN–it really is. I’ve learned this. I process these painful moments alone or with a trusted friend, and I ALWAYS feel better before 24 hours have elapsed. And, through tough experience, I know that lashing out only makes me feel off-kilter, vulnerable, anxious, and MORE angry. And MORE humiliated. Silence, on the other hand, is powerful for ME. Trust that karma will catch up to them if it hasn’t already–be far away from the shit storm when it erupts–you don’t want that on you. You are classy, and they are classless. The more you associate with them, the worse you look AND feel.

    BIG HUGS! You are a HUGE inspiration. As I commented on the last entry, you, like all chumps, definitely married/coupled down. He couldn’t hang, so he ran off with some skank more like him–they are disgustingly perfectly matched. How revolting, and I’m sure they love to bleat that they are perfect for each other. Yup–how little insight they have into the truth. So leave them to it.

    You are awesome.

    • This sounds about right: “So please refrain from injecting your reality into my fantasy, because it’s bummin’ me out!”

      • Yep…dealt with that. Poor final OW, who was young enough to be my child, was very upset by the drama that unfolded and actually told my kids that ‘love is what made this happen’, despite the fact that ex was not just fucking her but several other OW at the same time. She doesn’t seem to get that she was the most likely place to land so he went there. And is now miserable. Which makes me laugh.

    • So please refrain from injecting your reality into my fantasy, because it’s bummin’ me out!”

      Wow, that just made me wanna contact them both. Imagine having the power to “bum” THEM out. Oooooh.

      • Which really means, “You made her bitch and moan to me about what a mean woman you are, and it was such a hassle, trying to calm her down. The drama was a TOTAL DRAG. If you don’t mind, I’d like her focus to be on ME, and I’d like her to be calm and guiltless and DTF whenever I want it. m-K? So please refrain from injecting your reality into my fantasy, because it’s bummin’ me out!”

        This whole paragraph is the basic truth in so many of our situations. Our being upset gets in the way of their good time and it’s just so darn inconvenient. It really makes me laugh, to be honest, because it’s so juvenile.

  • PS I will gladly accompany anyone who wants to go beat the crap out of M’s POS ex and his poor beleaguered OW.

    • FoolMeTwice,

      That Beat Down Two Fucking Assholes line is forming to the left behind me.

      • Oooooo! Ooooooo! Pick me! Pick me!

        (although I have no training, and frankly, it was me and the fat kid on the bench while growing up…but I can make up for it out of sheer piss-offedness, and I have a long reach)

      • To the left to the left….. I’ll go too ladies! I think I’ve got a tire iron handy, or at least a hammer.

    • I’m with you, FootMeTwice. I’ll bring heavy metal to facilitate the beat down.

  • M, you are awesome! Courageous beyond words and kick ass to boot. I applaud you. If you were my friend, I wouldn’t describe your situation at Springer, you’re more inspirational. You’re Oprah. Keep up the good fight and worry about yourself over the lying, cheating, POS that you had the misfortune to be scammed by. He’s a conartist and he will get what’s coming to him.

  • M, you rock. I am awed by your strength while walking straight through hell. So, you sent the POS a few nasty emails? So what? They were well-deserved, though he will never feel remorse. Put him behind you, and continue your walk into a healthy, bright, happy new future.

    • Yes, M., Winston Churchill also said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.”

      You will come out the other side and we are behind you!

  • M you are an awesome, strong person. Don’t let a misstep make you feel bad. I’ll bet all that hurt and anger was just pushed down so far that when it welled up you couldn’t stop yourself (been there done that) and your ExH is a shit. Maybe you thought there was one shred of common decency and love in him but no. We chumps always hope.

  • M,

    It is possible that the flood of tears is more that what he said was straw that broke the camel’s back, given how much shit you’ve been hauling over the last year and a half. Take a moment and really, really be honest with yourself to check in to see if there’s any truth to that.

    If there is, please give yourself permission to grieve–over everything. There are some cancer support centres that provide workshops, exercise and psychological counselling at little to no cost. It would give you a chance to pour out some of the pain you must’ve been holding back far too long until you were safe and dry.

    If after some soul-searching, you really feel that all your crying in the past week is truly due to shame, then here are some thoughts I have for you:

    1) It was a one-time deal. Nobody’s perfect.
    2 )You hit shock and reacted strongly, probably more strongly than you normally would due to having been through the wringer. I bet a show of hands here would agree we’ve been there, done that.
    3) Go ahead and watch a Jerry Springer re-run. Unless there is a bald bouncer trying to strip you off of his or the OW’s throat, you are soooo not even CLOSE to a Jerry Springer moment.
    4) Oh, the poor OW is suffering because of YOU, is she? Let me tell you something. If she at all feels ANY suffering, it’s because that conscience of hers that she has been ignoring is telling her to look in the mirror about what a …cock-juggling thunderbitch she is (I edited my favourite phrase from Blade).

    M, be kind to yourself. You truly deserve.

    • Oh, and please eat regularly, whether you feel like it or not.

    • This reply reminds me–I once had this enormous fear of running into the TWO of them TOGETHER, united, in a grocery store, or the hardware store, or any other place. Going out in public alone has never been an issue for me–I make friends wherever I go. But I found myself checking over my shoulder, wondering if any blondes in the store were her. What would I do? Humiliate myself by crying, shaking, turning pale, becoming blind and deaf with panic and shame? Oh, they’d have a great laugh, dancing with glee at their victory, as I stood there, rejected and alone. Yikes.

      And then I realized, that any reaction I would have would be shameless in its honesty, in its authentic human emotional reaction at being so abused by two horrible people. I vowed I would not feel any shame at all, no matter how I reacted. THEY should be ashamed.

      Ah, but I also vowed I would NEVER EVER speak to her, no matter how she tried to provoke me, for I am better than she is in every way, and she and I have nothing in common and therefore nothing to discuss. I will never willfully give her anything to use against me.

      Please feel no shame, but realize that you reacted honestly and authentically. However, also learn that it was really not in your best interests, either. Learn from this excusable mistake, and vow to be better FOR YOU. Nobody goes through life without making mistakes; bigger people learn from them. And we all know who the bigger person is here. You think these turds will learn from hurting innocent people? They won’t.

      Hang in there, friend!

      • I have spoken with final OW. I was at an event for one of my kids and she was there. I could see my kid getting distracted and stressed so I went over, stuck my hand out and introduced myself. She was a snotty asshole to me and it was perfect because SHE was the one who was uncomfortable and I was in control of the situation. I doubt I’ll speak to her again but I’m glad I did it. It showed my kid how to hold your head high and to not feel shame for something you did not create. OW was full of shame and Ex was very uncomfortable. I was actually perfectly ok. 🙂

  • M, when my kids were little and they had a bad day we had a saying,” Turn the page.” What we’ve gone through, what most of us realize, is that more has been done to us; and all that stuff we are brave enough to share here is the “tip of the iceberg”. Anger is just the acknowledgement that something wrong was done. What helps me though is counting my blessings. What a gift life is. My marriage fell apart at about the same time my son was recovering from a tragic accident. It really put things into perspective. It wasn’t my legacy, that marriage, the way it ended, the divorce, the lies. Every day I am sure to acknowledge what I am thankful for. My children, good health, family, friends. One day you will realize what a gift it is to be surrounded only by those who are worthy of you.

  • M, My story is almost the same as yours. I was diagnosed with and battled a life-threatening disease (am actually still battling it), went through d-day, lost my job and home, and kicked out and divorced my lying, cheating POS ex –all within a period of 6 months — about a year and a half ago. And all while caring for my 3 young kids. It was pure hell. I couldn’t even brush my own teeth, yet I was somehow able to make a new life for us. When we have to, we find our inner strength to do what we need to do. You may have suffered a temporary setback, but you will get back in the saddle, because you are strong and you know that’s what you need to do. Now, 1 1/2 years later, I have successfully made it to the other side (though am still fighting, health-wise). Am telling you this to let you know that you are not alone. It is possible to move on, and you can do it too.

    My ex also told me how bad the OW felt (she’d been a work friend), and that was definitely a surreal moment. Made me want to knife them both in the throat. But I didn’t. And you won’t either. Susan Schorn (Tracy’s SIL, I think) wrote an article that captures how you should feel about this:

    “I remember a case in Houston years ago where a lady dentist caught her dentist husband with his mistress in a hotel parking lot, and ran him over three times in her Mercedes. Three times. That’s profound rage. And if you think she overdid it, consider this: When they were seating the jury at her murder trial, they had to eliminate two potential jurors because they’d basically done the same thing. One was a guy who assaulted his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. The other was a woman who admitted that, when she found her husband with his mistress, she hit him with her truck. Elizabeth Edwards didn’t run over anyone, not even one time. I think that’s pretty damned classy.”

    So if you’re able to get through this without killing someone, you’ve won. And your example will inspire more people than you can ever imagine, even if you don’t feel particularly admirable at any point. Remember, the bad thoughts only count if you act on them. Crazy emails don’t count! 😉

    Big hugs to you M. Just Hang in there, it does get better, I promise!

    • What was the verdict???

      I think the law is incredibly sexist. MEN can use high emotion as an excuse for provocation, but women? Their ass is nailed to the wall. I would have voted to acquit Betty Broderick on the reasonable grounds he deserved it, I would be a terrible juror.

    • I too was diagnosed with cancer 2 days before Dday. Didn’t get a chance to tell the dog turd until a week later because he managed to turn a
      moment when I needed him for the first time in our marriage instead into yet another moment about him. And not surprisingly, he could care less O had cancer. He had already moved in with the OW and wanted a divorce so they could get married. So I went to chemo
      myself, took care my daughter because fuck wad abandoned her too, and had to do my job plus find a new full
      time job. The good news is you can survive. I am now doing well on the cancer front. I got a great job starting in August and we get to move to another state far away from the turd and his slut. And yes, the turd actually told my daughter (when they were still speaking ) that the OW felt really bad about everything. As if my daughter or I cared what the OW felt. She obviously didn’t feel bad enough to stop fucking a married man. I suspect he never told her I was sick. I know he never told his parents. Of course he wouldn’t say anything because it makes him look like an even bigger pile of poo.

      Reading other peoples posts has helped so much. I am glad I am not he only chump and there is comfort that others have experienced the same garbage and survived very well


  • Hi M,

    First: He is an ass and not worthy of you. I think that on some level you already know that, but I thought it was worth reminding you. Enough about him.

    I think everyone on this board understands your rage. It is a totally valid and normal response to a thoroughly wrong situation. It is not a product of cancer or madness or a sickness of any sort. It is what makes you a normal human being, and it gives me hope for you in the long run.

    What everyone else is saying about no contact going forward is right on and the key to you getting your self back. But please don’t feel shame or let anyone try to make you feel shame for expressing your pain and anger. You did nothing wrong here — no way.

  • And I thought I was strong and had done a lot since Dday… I’m nothing… and yet, you probably are tired of hearing how brave and strong you are… hell, you’re probably tired of BEING brave and strong… I know I’ve felt that way before as well… so feel free to get pissed again after finding new stuff out, have your good cry over it and feel bad for a little bit and I know you’ll get back up and keep fighting for YOU tomorrow because that’s just who you are. M, you’re a badass and keep it up. Fuck him and her. These types have fucked with our minds so long and have such little concept of reality that they literally doesn’t know how insane these kinds of statements are. They have no concept of people other than themselves. But worse, they can actually make us feel like we are the insane ones. Luckily, we can tell you he’s crazy and don’t listen to that crazy, narcissistic asshole!!!

    Also, CL, lol about the half-finished copy of “Just Friends” – hilarious… though I read mine cover to cover through the night of my actual Dday (massive Amazon chump in possession of a kindle)

  • M: You should be applauded. We chumps have had all the rage you have felt. If your X and OW were going through this much stress they would never be able to endure. Your melt down just showed your human. They definitely aren’t. They are such a waist of skin. Absolutely cowards. No dignity or self respect. You are an example for everyone to follow. You are dealing with everything with such fortitude. Shows such courage, strength, and conviction. Your character should be a beacon to everyone going through this hell. Be proud and don’t stop fighting. You are such a brave and honourable woman.My thought will be with you.

  • You’re a new hero for me. Wow. Seriously, you could hardly be blamed for losing your shit on him for that. Hell I’d say you deserve to lose your shit on him. Or more accurately, HE deserves to hear a mountain-load of you losing your shit on him.

    It takes a special kind of completely bottomless, black-hole selfishness to behave the way he did. And it takes an even more special kind of iron nerve to say that you were making HER suffer. I mean…I don’t think there are words in my vocabulary to describe how fucked up that is. I just…I don’t have any words.

    But I do have words to describe how powerful you are. And I will say that he is a coward. He is AFRAID of you. And he should be! He can never even imagine being as amazing as you are. And he KNOWS it. He is 100% aware of how pathetically small he is compared to you. So all he can do is hide behind his shitty little OW. I think he’s also afraid to face his own shittiness. He is to damn cowardly to look himself in the mirror and realize that her “suffering” is nothing. It’s not even infinitesimal. It’s NOTHING. It’s not real suffering at all. He knows the truth is YOU have suffered. Because of HIM. And he’s too much of a spineless chickenshit to admit that to anyone. So he just shoves it away, admits to nothing and owns absolutely ZERO shame. Why? Because if he were to admit any of this, he’d have to realize what a piece of shit excuse for a person he is.

  • Hey folks, the poster just emailed to ask that we please not use her name, and just use her initial. So I’ve edited everything to this point. Please use “M” as in MIGHTY!

    And she appreciates the support! (Hopefully she’ll post here at some point.)

  • First – you are my hero. To go what you went thru and manage everything as well as you did, that is just absolutely stunning. I think just now you are getting to what you didn’t have time for back then when you were dealing with everything else – the crazy part. I went thru embarrassing episodes, that two weeks later I wondered what the hell I was thinking. I not only did and said stuff I normally wouldn’t, but then when STBEX found out, his response was to hurt me as deeply as he could by words and deeds.

    Definitely delete the emails. It took me a long time to not read emails (I knew his password so would look them up online). Reading his emails kept me hooked into what he was doing and who with (fortunately there was never anything really revealing) – but it didn’t let me move forward. I finally found the conviction and courage to just not log into his account, but it wasn’t overnight. You haven’t had the time or energy to go thru that first step that a lot of us go thru since you were battling other things and being so proactive.

    It will still take time to process everything that has happened, and you will still want to do petty things. And you will still want to know where he is and who with – for a while. Now that you don’t have other things to concentrate on, this is what your mind is turning to. Find something to occupy yourself (for me, it has been working on the POS house I bought – may not be pretty, but it keeps me busy and gives my mind something else to think about).

    Good luck going forward – although the was you have kicked ass so far, you really don’t need it!

  • Hi M,

    Your story is a heart breaker yet it is also triumphant. You were mad, you lost your shit, we’ve all been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. Just reset the clock and get back to no contact for no other reason than it is good for you and your health.

    Stress makes it hard for the human body to heal from the common cold and you’ve got to heal from cancer. You need to take care of yourself, M. Forget your POS ex man whore and his skanky OW!! They are not important in your life anymore. I totally understand where you’re coming from and I’ve had a few moments like that myself but the longer you go with no contact, the better off you’ll be!

    Sending you well wishes!

  • M, you are awesome and amazing. Do not berate yourself for this. You did nothing wrong. Please take the time to grieve all of the losses and pain you have experienced, and then move on to your new healthier life. Sending you love and support.

  • You know, my first thought when I saw the headline was well, the OW (or OM) should suffer. When you do something wrong you are supposed to feel guilty. It is good for you!

    It doesn’t sound like this OW did feel bad unfortunately. That must be frustrating, but it’s also proof that they suck.

  • M, I am just so glad the jerk is out of your life. I admire you. You did all that and battling cancer? You’re a hero in my books. I was healthy when I went through several Ddays and was still stuck until the 3rd OW. Time to completely eradicate the cheater ex from your life. He is bad news. Let the OW deal with the bad news. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and take everyone’s advice here. Go completely no contact because what he did or is doing doesn’t really matter anymore. Only you matter.

  • Mighty M: Well, there may be one thing he got right – “Congratulations for making her suffer.” I’d agree with that. Good on you!
    Of course, Fucktard said nothing about being sorry you had to find that, and certainly nothing about how your actions made him feel; because we all know he felt absolutely nothing. And the OW? Who gives a flying fuck?
    So now it’s time to have a good laugh about all of this. No need for any guilty thoughts. You are Wonder Woman. As I recall, she could verbally kick some serious ass sometimes.

  • Miss M you are doing just fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s all on him and he deserves it.
    I sense your remorse. Remorse that as I age I wonder why I never felt any after my confrontation with the first OM. I was married 9 months when my wife droped the DDay bomb on my 19 year old chump ass. We were dragging main that same night when I saw him parked at the turn around, and yes I was looking for him, I yanked his ass out of his truck, drug his sorry ass out in the middle of Main Street by the collar of his jean jacket and beat his ass. Left him laying on the double yellow line. When I was walking back to my car my wife was standing next to his fiancé. I outed him to her right in front of my wife, damn my CS was mad as hell. Later when she calmed down she had the gall to tell me she would have never given him the time of day if she new he was engaged. WTF, what about me? I never start fights but I did that night. Sometimes I think I should feel some kind of remorse but I just can’t. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it!

    • TCMFYP,
      These Disordered Shits can Drive you Mad.
      I Look Back on how ” Unlike” Myself I was when I was with him and it makes Me Cringe.
      Another Reason to Get Rid of Them like YESTERDAY, Cause Every Second You give To Them, is Another Second of Crazzy Added onto Your Life. They Seriously Are CONTAGIOUS. The Only Cure for Them is NO CONTACT FOREVER and ALWAYS. And Time to Get YOURSELF Back.

  • M, you say you lost your dignity but I would like to reframe that. I wouldn’t even say you lost your composure. What you did was what the human body does when it takes in poison: it vomits it out. You say toward the end of your post that you are too sick to socialize and even if you have the best friends in the world, you can tell them what you discovered, how you feel, on and on but it only helps while you are talking. I think you needed to blow up and send the poison back to the people who created it. Surprising that these two moral ciphers can carry on their affair while you battle cancer and the betrayal, but they can’t deal with the most minimal consequences of their actions–your rightful anger. So to my mind, there is no loss of dignity at all. You just let them know what you know and explained to them in terms they clearly could understand what black holes of suckitude they are. And now you are done with that.

    If you are looking for what to do next, while you are recovering, use the emails as a starting point for a book about your survival. Write a book. A story of your journey through cancer and the most vile betrayal and abandonment. You can be M for mighty, he can be LC for Lying Coward, she can be SB for Selfish Bitch. Then you can say all the things you need to say to them but they have to buy the book to read it. I’m starting novel #2 in the fall since Jackass and his married “friend/deceased best friend’s sister” have kindly served up some juicy plot points. I am serious about this–you asked about where to go from here; I say use the time to write your story. You can even do it as a blog if you don’t want to go through the hassle of shaping into a book.

  • I wish I could see you M and give you a standing ovation!
    Chump lady has said it better than I ever could.. In the first few months or even year following betrayal, some of us could barely get our kids ready for school not to say divorce the SOB, Buy property while fighting cancer alone!!!! You are a Hero & u deserve to lose it whenever & however you want to if it makes you feel better!

    From what you say it does not and FOR THAT reaSon only .. YOU CAN FOCUS YOUR ENERGIES on you & not on the wicked evil ex. Nothing to be ashamed of here M but everything to be proud of .

  • Dear M,
    Reading your tale broke my heart. Soo Sorry for your pain. I Can’t Imagine hardly a thing worse a person could go through..but M, I am soo Friggin Amazed at you and Proud of you. You are a FORTRESS of Power…Having gone Through what would have Killed Most People..You’ve Survived ALL. YOU are BADARSE…and HUMAN. Those Disordered ,Heartless, Soulless ” Machines with SEX ORGANS FOR BRAINS, can’t Hold a Candle to You.
    Your Light SCORCHES Them..Makes Them SEE They are Shit..Ah…BOOHOO on Them for their ” Pain”.
    I too was Left for ” Dead” and Survived..not Nearly on Your Level, but Yes, 5 ” men” Including a Fucking Police Officer sat Back and Allowed my ex to Bully, Mentally and Emotionally Torture, and Wrongfully Imprison a 3 month pregnant woman, Essentially Facillitating the Rape that would later Occur that Night when I Came to Get the Very LAST of my Things to Be Done with Him. All Did Nothing. And of Course No Report was Filed By Me,** after All The COP did Nothing BEFORE It To Get Me OUT of THERE ,SAFE*** and I Didn’t Fight Back Because He Would have Turned it Around on Me…Gotten ME Arrested, No Doubt…and I Was Afraid for my Baby. I was Left Alone, Driven to The Edge. THEY Didn’t Give a Damn. There’s a Part of You That Snaps..Says, ” If I’m Gonna Die, I’m Gonna Die FREE..AWAY from This EVIL”……M, I Soo Understand That…
    If It’s Gonna be Your END, You Will Go on YOUR TERMS with Your HEAD UP, no Matter How they Try and Manipulate You, Blame You, Kill you With Their Indifference to Your Suffering. Once you KNOW you Could Die and They Wouldn’t Give a Damn, You No Longer are Responsible for ONE IOTA of THOUGHT for Them…They Become Dead To You…you Become Absolved for EVERYTHING..Because Quite Frankly They’ve essentially Driven you Out of Consciousness of THEM and Their ” Consequences.

    I Say, M…Might As Well Say you Died..and RESURRECTED..NEW.
    BRAND NEW..This New LIFE is YOURS.. They Have NO Right to a Single Breath or Thought…and you ” Died” VICTORIOUSLY. And You Will RISE More Beautifully Than Before you Even KNEW Them.
    Begrudge Not your Humanity, M….For it’s Your Humanity that is Gonna keep You Going.
    It’s your Humanity that helps you FEEL.
    You Will FEEL Love Again.

  • M, I don’t know you personally but all day I kept reading and re-reading your post…and dare I say I Love You. Those are the words that keep coming to mind after Bravery, Strength, Truth, Honor, and just a kick ass woman.

  • M..

    I am so glad your ex is not there with you each day. He does not deserve to be with you.

    Mine cheated after my cancer news, the surgery, the radiation, all the tests, me fearing I would not live. And mine said when I found of the affair “you would be sick if you were with me or not”

    ^^^ I will face each day without an asshole in my life who should have not been such a scared little baby and he made my cancer all about him, the poor little thing. He actually told me “why is my life going this way” on the news of my cancer.

    See, it wasn’t his life, it was mine, and thank god I lived. I lived to be able to see sunsets, and hear birds in the morning, and to know just how precious life is. And it is too precious to spend it with an idiot by your side.

    M, your ex has never have bad news, he has not had all the blood run from his face on hearing he has cancer, and you know, just who cares. Don’t waste your time.

    I get the angry crazy emails and I get how appauled you are, I mean, does he not see you lived, does he see he was such a total pig? And you have to just go walk yourself into your bathroom, and you look yourself in the eye in the mirror, and listen M, you are here, you are here after being very sick. I for one am glad you are here to make the world a better place.

    So what you might have looked very ready to blow angry and crazy, so the f what, you are alive, he can go shove it up his stupid baby ass.

    It doesn’t matter what your ex thinks, that is why he is your ex, he doesn’t stand a chance of being man enough to be with you. Who cares what an idiot who does this when his wife is so very ill thinks.

    Take a look at yourself, there you are, alive! I am glad.

    Think of it this way, you lived so you could kick his sorry ass out of your life, hooray!

    • OMG, Deb — I’m so sorry you went through the same damn thing! There are some seriously MIGHTY people here in Chump Nation.

      • There are M! And I am so grateful you posted what happened, I thought I was the only one married to such a hellhound.

        Aren’t you glad you can meet each day with the all of making it everything YOU want!

    • Some narcs lose it when kids come, some lose it when serious illness comes–once their universe no longer circles their navel, they need to rush off and find more ego kibbles.

      I wish we could give those types tattoos or armbands, so we wouldn’t invest any time in them…

  • I also want to say, keep the emails, maybe print them, have them blown up poster side and give them out to his family for the holidays, it could be a bonding event for them, you know, just like you bonded with it all.

    I am just, pretty mad for you, and think of your angry emails as a proud moment for you giving notice that you are still standing. How dare he do this to you. You really are living such a bold life, very stoic.

    The bloody jerk, this just really reminds me …. my mantra I mutter still

    what kind of man does this kind of shit

  • M, you have a standing ovation. You are a Chump Heroine of the highest order, and a proud warrior.

    We need to re-write some stories to make “losing your shit” a high point, and not the stain on ourselves that other people think it should be, you know, when Chumps don’t act all zen and forgiving. In action movies, few women get honours: the guys lose their shit all the time and nobody thinks anything of it. The heroes even kill people and the audience cheers. Women don’t get to do this: ask Medea about that. (OK, she killed her children because Jason chumped her and he had the right to take them from her – thanks patriarchy), or Medusa who is painted as evil but that woman had a really bad rap – a man raped her and she got blamed for it – which is another story. The point is, these women had righteous rage and they made different decisions and things happened to them – but their rage was righteous. Both of them were in a bad situation, and they didn’t cope the way “good” women do (shut up and take it). I think men are very afraid of “M”s because, you know, when a woman is angry you never know what can happen!

    What you did – he deserved. It fell on deaf ears but you got it out. You get your life back on your terms, and you’re doing it well. There’s no shame on you.

    • You make very valid points. Women are not supposed to be angry, while it’s totally OK for men to be angry. Fuck that. Medusa is/was also considered by some to be a story about the conflicts that arose as society was transformed from a matriarchal to a patriarchal society – the one we live in now. I think there is some truth in that.

  • Just – wow. You ARE mighty. I am so sorry you wasted your humanity and heart and years on this person who did not deserve it. We fellow chumps are with you on this.

    In South Africa, there is this huge trial happening, with Oscar Pistorius (who shot through a locked door and killed his girlfriend).
    So this well know psychologist in Johannesburg, Leonard Carr, analysed the text messages between them in this weekend’s Sunday Times. It hurt. The link ‘Is he the boyfriend from hell?’ is by subscription only sadly.
    But he described Steenkamp as a typically abused woman, who starts by expressing her need, and making her point [ie we DO communicate the issues]. Then she withdraws, and does not stand her ground in her power. His controlling and undermining makes her start to justify her being. There is a power control where he criticises her, but lets her know how sought after he is. He believes he has a right to act out when he was unhappy.
    This is the bit that got me: he didn’t give a hoot about her needs, her feelings and what was important to her. It shows his self centredness. He minimises his behaviour. ‘He’s a narcissist, in my opinion. He has got a fantasy relationship in his mind and he says the right things according to his fantasy of how he wants the relationship to be. And of course that’s what she wants to hear, so she buys into that. but you can see what’s really going on in the relationship. His response shows he has no empathy for her. He justifies his behaviour – he doesn’t take it seriously. He makes a weak promise about what a wonderful relationship they are going to have. He is emotionally shallow. He sees things in a very concrete way. He doesn’t get the nuance, he doesn’t get the emotional meaning. It’s all concrete. She is desperately trying to get him to see the meaning.

    Its what Chump Lady says. We try to talk truth to stupid.

    • Patsy, that is so interesting about the Pistorius trial. I’ve been trying to follow it — but I would’ve loved to have read that analysis. I’m so glad they’ve got the judge they’ve got. She sounds like a winner who can cut through this bullshit. (Praying that’s the case, any way.)

    • Nailed him and the NPD person I was married to.

      “He has got a fantasy relationship in his mind and he says the right things according to his fantasy of how he wants the relationship to be. And of course that’s what she wants to hear, so she buys into that…”

      Poor girl happened to hook up with one who had a passion for guns.

  • I just wanted to say such a heartfelt thankyou to you all. I think I am in a different time zone to you, so I have only just got up. I have read through the whole thread and I am so moved by all that you have said. I have read every single post and each one has helped me. I would like to reply to you all individually but there are so many! I know that each one of you has suffered through terrible betrayal. Each one of our stories is different but the pain is the same and is immense. I think you need to have been there to get it. You are all brave and strong and deserved so very much better. You really have helped me with your kindness. I feel as if I was flat out on the floor all this week but you all have picked me up, brushed me down, given me a hug and set me on my way again. You have given me the strength to get up and DO something today, even if it’s just the laundry 🙂 That really is progress. And also the strength to step away from them and focus on building a better life. I am thinking of you all and sending love your way. M

    • Come very late to this thread – but just wanted to say that you should hold your head high M & be proud of what you’ve done. Never, ever knock yourself for losing your cool & brandishing about a few truths.
      Very, very best of luck with your cancer battle. You’ll have so much more energy to fight it, without that disgraceful, cowardly, lying toad hanging off you.

    • M, I’m so glad to read that this thread has buoyed your spirits.

      You so deserve that better life — and they can rot. I really do not know how they live with themselves.

    • M I am a cancer survivor so I can just imagine how horribly difficult your ex’s thoughtless actions have made a hard journey even more difficult. My cancer was in my 30’s and thankfully one of the few times my ex was actually somewhat supportive, although he picked the time when I was in the hospital undergoing radiation in isolation to buy the house of his dreams. I signed the papers with rubber gloves because I was radioactive. I was too tired to even question what he was doing. He said buying the place would make him happy, although it didn’t. These guys don’t know how to be happy with what they have.

      I was sick off and on throughout my marriage. The stress of living with him just about did me in. His constant traveling, his too close relationships with his female coworkers, the lack of emotional support…it made me sick. Since we divorced I’ve never felt so good in my life! I didn’t even know I could feel this good. You will find how much the stress of living with him was getting to you once he’s gone.

      My heart goes out to you and I pray for your full recovery. Take advantage of every kindness that people offer and lean on your friends and family to get through this very difficult time. Don’t beat yourself up over losing your cool. Just realize that you can start over with the no-contact. You don’t need to spend another precious moment of your life on a person who treated you so cruelly.

  • M…
    What is this guy’s address and phone number? Seriously.
    I will take care of it for you honey.

  • Let’s talks about some solutions or strategies at least to manage this phenomenon.

    My exH felt that he needed “to protect” some of his female friends from me. what?!?!?

    And also my fiance, tried that tact as well. He accused me of saying that I wanted nothing to do with his EA. What a coincidence, there is a text from his EA saying that she wanted nothing to with me.

    And I have cancer, too. And I was unemployed as a result.

    Are there any strategies to manage this?

  • M- Your POS XH is rotted from the inside out. He is a shell of a “man.” He only reserves his pseudo-compassion for the source of his ego-kibbles, the whore aka the OW. Don’t spare another moment on those two. Heal and Get strong. Better things are in store for you. The best is truly yet to come.

  • M, I am so happy for you that you are regaining your strength! So what if you called the kettle black.

    My dad is a narcissist asshat. If you call him on his shit, he will scream and abuse you, because THEY CAN’T STAND TO HEAR IT! They just want you to shut up and not have to face the consequences of their choices. Back to fantasyland with the OW.

    NC is the best choice because to give them any energy is a waste, but realize that when you did call it what he was, he went to the depths of depravity to make sure he doesn’t have to hear about it anymore. Consider it a win. You got under his skin, he just acted in a way to hurt you so you would stop.

    Stop for yourself, because that is where the good life it. Best wishes for a speedy recovery and good health.

  • M, you are amazing!!! My mom had cancer a few years ago and it was so hard for her to battle it. I cannot imagine going through that plus divorce, infidelity, and all that you went through.

    I wish you all the best. I know some days seem dark and you wonder if you will get to a happy place, but you have demonstrated you have many great human qualities and I hope you will find yourself in a better place, at peace and healed.

    You are a beacon of hope for a lot us chumps! A true inspiration.

  • A standing ovation to you, M. Do your laundry. Get some fresh air. Breathe. Watch Jerry Springer! It is funny that has come up because I do sometimes watch Jerry Springer to feel better about myself! HA!

    I wish you the very best.

  • Cowards wait until the victim is at their weakest. It’s what bullies so. As Kara said it’s because he’s afraid of you.
    Afraid of your courage, strength, integrity and because they on some level fear what they can never be or what they will be able to take from us/you.
    They can project crap all day but in the end it’s just still their crap.
    Good luck M and all fellow chumps. We are stronger than they wanted us to be because we are still here. Sorry for that inconvenience cowards and sad ass affair partners.
    I believe Winston Churchill also said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.”

  • Fuck them and their favorite vegetable. They are vile and repulsive. Get angry, get pissed, then take the energy and focus on you.

    Losing your shit is alright. I personally love hurling items across the room. Cell phones, nail lacquer, unopened hardback books, picture frames.

    • …t.v. remotes, pillows (nice and safe), articles of clothing, cleaning supplies (if they leak you’re halfway there)…

      I once tried screaming at the top of my lungs in the car on the way home from work. Sort of scared myself, and left me hoarse the next day, so I wouldn’t recommend it. Perhaps taking a bat to a pillow or something (pretend its ex’s head) would be more rewarding?!?

  • This is something that I don’t talk about and am ashamed as I write this. I battle with a chronic illness. Last winter I became violently ill while driving to work. I pulled over on the side of the interstate thinking I was having a heart attack. My cheater left me there. When I called and begged for his help to get home he stated “this is really inconvient” I ended up calling 911 but waited so long for them thought I would die alone on the side of the interstate. Meanwhile, he was out looking at tractor parts to buy. I landed in the hospital and my son had to take me home. He started cheating on me all the time after this, I was just too sick to realize it.

    • Christ Carrie! Please tell me this asshole is your EX-husband? Why are YOU ashamed? What HE did was monstrously SHAMEFUL! He’s supposed to love and protect you and he leaves his wife on the side of the interstate? FUCK him!

      You know what happens when you get sick? You have needs. You know what narcissists cannot stand? Other people’s needs.

      • Reciprocity is not available, please select door number 4 and get a brand new “fuck you vase” made out of “I could give a shit” in metallic brown. It seems like most chumps discover the cheating when they are in the midst of a crisis or depression. Seems a recurring theme, JUST ONCE you need their spouse to be there for you and they cannot do it. For me, it was depression when my Mom died, for the first time in our relationship I NEEDED him to help ME. HAHAHA. No way, he went and found someone else to give him what he needed. And of course that was my fault because I was not there for him…such bullshit.

      • “You know what happens when you get sick? You have needs. You know what narcissists cannot stand? Other people’s needs.”

        This is all you ever need to know about these evil things that masquerade as human beings. May they rot in Hell.

        • Yes, Waiting, that is exactly it. They are evil things that masquerade as human beings. While I know it is un- Meh of me, I do pray there is a special place in hell for them.

  • Dear M,

    Just another admirer of yours. You helped me today.
    I wish you only smooth sailing and clear skies.

  • Hi M, Jedi hugs!

    totally normal to loose your shit, you did much better than most – after all you got rid of his ass BEFORE you lost your shit. Awesome you! Nothing to be ashamed of, no worries – please take care of your badass self 🙂

  • Regarding the whole “losing your shit” emails–I just thought of one of the GREATEST scenes in the Harry Potter movie, when Mrs. Weasley “loses her shit” and goes after one of the female bad guys. Women are too often afraid to offend. Last night I was at the movies with a female friend and there were two teenage boys sort of falling in behind us as we approached the exit. I pulled my friend over and said, “Wait.” She said she didn’t think they were going to hurt us, and I said, “I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about what I will have to do to them if they try.” Swallowing our pain, our anger, the betrayal and violation done to us by people we loved and trusted is the very last thing any of us should do. I think of those “deranged” emails as a perfectly rational response to someone who is trying to kill you every way but physically.

    • Dear Loved, It certainly felt like that to me. That he was setting it all up. We lived way out in the country and I just had too many thoughts of how easy it would be for him to “take me out”. He once said, ” I would have no problem getting rid of someone,” when we were watching one of those true crime shows on TV. I didn’t think it was funny then. And for the two years it took for me to get the divorce I was afraid. And then I moved away, he is still dragging his feet re QDRO and I think it’s because he would benefit if nothing were done. I also think many of us are ill during these marriages or after because they are so toxic. I still can not think of being in the same room with my ex. Part of what kept me stuck was fear…. I’ve framed his HIV test to remind myself WHO HE IS. And that is what reminds me to stay NC.

      • Drew, one of my dear friends believes my ex tried to poison me 15 years ago, I was in the hospital twice in one week with bizarre and unexplained vomiting. Of course no one was even looking at intentional poisoning. My ex was the acknowledged adoring and wonderful husband. Even back then I remember saying to my ex who was usually “loving”– “you acted so strange when I was in the hospital, so cold and withdrawn like you didn’t care!” His response was: “I was just trying to support you.”

        On D-Day, when the mask literally fell away before my eyes and I was looking into cold dead eyes, I asked him why he was just sitting there, why he wasn’t on his knees crying or showing any emotion. His response- “I just want to give you space.” The echo of what he said 15 years before gave me chills. You see I found out later that 15 years before was about a year after he started his affairs.

        What is most frightening to me? I don’t know if he tried to kill me. I can admit it is possible and that now I’ll never know.

  • I told my ex about a near-accident I had with the kids when the car hit a patch of ice and slid onto the other side of an icy highway with a transport truck coming though it had time to swerve around. My ex reacted like he was listening to a weather forecast. Scary.

  • OMG, I haven’t checked my email and Chump Lady posts in a few months….the reason I will tell you in a minute…..and this was exactly what I needed to read.
    Good for you M!!!!
    I’ve been reading and posting here for awhile, one of my posts was about my plan which included my son moving back to my area and giving me the financial opportunity to get rid of my husband.
    In the meantime I had figured out a way to get employment but before I did that I helped my son move back to town. He had been having health problems for months.
    My nightmare started when he went to our doctor and was sent to the ER where we found out at the end of Feb. that he has cancer. A very large rare sarcoma. This is the same son that when he was taken to the ER back in October with what they thought were seizures (now we know it was the tumor) my husband told me I didn’t need to go and when I did he told me “not to take all GD night.”
    Amazingly my son has responded above and beyond what the doctors expected he would from the first few treatments. If he hadn’t he would be dead by now from complications.
    People ask me if my husband has stepped up to the occasion and the answer is no. My son and I are staying at my sisters house. Sometimes my husband is all helpful and supportive and then one day he told me that I needed to stop babying my son and let him take care of himself. Unfortunately, with the cancer he has he is in the small group of patients that can not work or do much during treatment. He get 5 different chemotherapies. One is so toxic a person can only receive it 6 times in an entire lifetime.
    But that is okay because he and I have agreed that once he is on the other side of this we will get a place together.
    I guess maybe I can call this an “exit illness” it has taken a large portion of anger and grief to propel me forward.
    You’re already a survivor OP.

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