You’d think I’d learn my lesson from the last time I published a letter from an OW, but in my defense, I assigned this to Chris before I stirred up that particular shit storm. So if you can’t bear to read another OW letter, skip today. Although then you would be missing out on Chris’s lovely smack down… and that would be a shame.
Dear Chump Lady,
I think I might have an unique story that is more like a movie and need your thoughts.
I met a gentleman a few years back on a dating website and was involved with him in some capacity for 3 years. I recently found out that he got married a month prior to me finding out (found out on my own). The weekend he was texting me he told me he was going away with his children and was texting me on his wedding day/night. I know now he met and started dating this women a few months after he met me. I was not intimate with him for about 10 months (mostly dirty texts), after I found out we became intimate again because he told me he wasn’t really happy and almost called the wedding off a month before. They went on their honeymoon 2 months after their wedding and he texted me a week into it (the honeymoon was after I found out). He also admitted that he had more feelings for me than he thought and realized it now that he was married a few times and then during another conversation said made him feel special and it was addicting. I don’t think it was about the sex otherwise he wouldn’t have acted on the dirty texts for 10 months. As it stands right now, This was all exposed via Facebook a month and a half ago and is a mess. When she found out he called and said he couldn’t talk to me and that he was going to be branded a cheated and have 2 divorces under his belt. A friend of mine, unbeknownst to me sent his wife a letter telling her everything) and I haven’t talked to him in a month.
I think she might be taking him back and I can’t phantom anyone taking someone back after what she knows. She seen texts from him that said he fantasized about me on their wedding night and all the time , texts that said I was the best and texts that said I was nicer and cuter. I need to move on and I can’t . I’m not heartbroken just pissed. Is she stupid, desperate? I do feel badly for her because if she stays she looks like a fool in front of her friends and family and if she stays she will too since they got married in October. I can see maybe taking him back after cheating, but the entire relationship was based on a lie. I would never take him back after this.
Here’s where I’m confused:
a) “The entire relationship was based on a lie.”
b) “I need to move on but I can’t.”
c) “I’m not heartbroken just pissed.”
d) “If she stays she looks like a fool in front of her friends and family…”
e) “I would never take him back after this.”
Are you speaking for yourself or that idiot’s wife? Whose relationship are you describing, exactly? This situation is unique because you’re both the Other Woman. If your timeline is factually correct, he started dating you first, started dating her a few months after, put a ring on her finger, kept sexting you, and kept sleeping with you after he married her. But since you’re in No Contact you’re afraid he might have gone back to her.
There’s fuckupedness and then there’s soap operatic fuckupedness. She’s the Other Woman who started dating another woman’s boyfriend, whom she eventually became engaged to, and after the wedding you started sleeping with another man’s wife. It’s a shame soaps are no longer relevant because this would be a dynamite storyline.
So I’m guessing you want your (ex-)boyfriend’s thoughts and actions translated into coherent English? Surely!
1) He’s a cheating jackass.
2) He’s been lying to both of you from Day One because he likes CAKE.
3) He became an engaged to another woman during your relationship because he likes CAKE.
4) He kept sexting you whilst engaged to another woman because he likes CAKE.
5) He married another woman during your relationship because he likes CAKE.
6) He sexted you on his wedding day and during his honeymoon because he likes CAKE.
7) He kept being intimate with you after his wedding because he likes CAKE.
8) He told you you made him feel special and that “it” was addicting because he likes CAKE.
9) He stopped talking to you because his CAKE supply was threatened. If his wife took him back, it’s only because she’s the bigger Chump. Cheaters put more values on kibbles and spackle than they do dress sizes and looks.
As you can see, it’s not really a movie but an SNL sketch with the same punchline repeated about 10 times. Now let’s deal in truth: You don’t get first dibs on the douche simply because you were his girlfriend first. Granted, my heart goes out to you because you too were lied to. Sadly, this is how Chumps are born and boy did you come screaming out of the Chump Birth Canal!
I’m sorry, Confused, but the moment you found out he had been lying to you for practically the entire relationship, and after you found he married another woman, that’s the moment when all bets should’ve been off. But instead he reached out from the garbage juice-soaked dumpster from whence he came and pulled you right in, as you deliberately decided to do the no-pants dance with a married man. Yes, that makes you complicit in his mindfuckery, because you were now sleeping a man you knew to be married to someone else. Doesn’t matter who met whom first. Morally, he might’ve been yours before he was hers, but legally you became the mistress.
Now, that’s enough speculation and gossip. Whether she’s taken him back, divorcing him, or calling Cousin Vito to show up at the house with baseball bats and blowtorches, that’s none of your concern. Whoever met him first, whoever slept with him first, and whoever found out about the other first, legally he’s her problem. Think of her as your co-passenger on the Plane Ride To Nowhere. Only you’re not married to this twit. That, in turn, frees you to strap on the parachute and do a mad 50 yd. dash for the Emergency Exit.
Whether she files for divorce, thereby strapping on her parachute and following suit, is none of your concern. Bottom line is you both found out about each other the hard way and the least you both could do is not associate with each other. Plus, how do you even know for certain that she only met him after your relationship started? That fucker’s lied about everything else! And how do you know there weren’t others?
Okay, for real now, that’s enough speculation. This is turning into a JFK Assassination Conspiracy. You get so caught up in the scenery that you lose sight of the two bottom lines:
a) You were dating a lying, scheming cheater.
b) You knowingly and deliberately switched places with his wife and became the Other Woman.
The “b” part is really key, Confused, because it’s what separates the Innocents from the Co-Conspirators. It’s not a judgment. It’s just the facts. You found out he had been lying to you the entire time, you found that he married another woman, you believed his bullshit about being unhappy (translation: “Feed me cake and kibbles! Pronto!”), then you made the deliberate choice to be “intimate” with a married man with the blinders off.
Am I believe that you would’ve already cut him out of your life had he not pulled the trigger first? You sure didn’t seem to be in any rush to tell him to go fuck himself once you found out the truth. Instead, you seem to be masking the hurt you feel about being cast off as the Other Woman, and you’re replying in kind by taking it out on the wife. Perhaps you feel you deserved more, since he was technically your boyfriend first; your letter all but implies: “She’s the fool! Not me! He’s obsessed with me!”
Is that why, according to you, you “can’t” move on? You feel like you should get preferential treatment since he was your boyfriend first? What exactly do you think you deserve? To be lied to again? To go from The One to the Husband’s sidepiece virtually overnight? Is that a comfortable place for you? Is that the kind of relationship you think you deserve? You say the husband’s actions have exposed him as a cheater and have exposed her as a fool. Well, what do you think your actions say about you?
You’re wondering out loud how any woman could be intimate with a man who’s such a lying shit? Well, she’s probably the wondering the same thing about you! Whatever you think about her lack of character and integrity, she probably thinks the same about you in spades.
But do you not realize that this is exactly where that idiot wants both of you? You’re obsessed with what she’s doing, while she’s probably at home asking her husband 50 Questions and getting 50 Falsehoods in response. You’re obsessing over her, she’s obsessing over you, and practically all of the focus (and righteous anger) is taken off the two-timing bastard who lied to both of your faces in the first place and placed on the Warring Women.
Also, I know it’s impolite to ask a lady her age, so I’m going to refrain from doing so. Let me just say instead that unless you’re between 12-17, you’re way too old to be using chickenshit justifications like: “He thinks I’m nicer and cuter!”
Sadly, this isn’t a movie. This is real life, and you were both lied to and fucked over. She came up with the shorter end of the stick because now she’s legally stuck with him until she extends the time, effort and money to do something about it. You actually got off relatively scot-free, so accept this is a Gift From The Universe and cut your losses. Stop rationalizing and speculating on his behavior. That’s a Chump trap of fuckupedness. Besides, there’s nothing to speculate on. He’s a cheater on a grand scale, and he’s going to be where the Cake is. Assuming she did take him back, once this “scandal” blows over he’ll either be hitting you back up or moving on to the next unsuspecting woman.
You don’t get to be that woman anymore. You lost your Blissfully Ignorant privileges the moment you found out that your relationship was also based on a lie. You may think she’s stupid and desperate, but the choices you made after you learned the truth didn’t exactly cast you in best light either. I would highly suggest you extract yourself from this sordid cast of characters lest you do something doubly stupid and doubly desperate, such as even thinking about contacting him again or answering any of his texts should he come sniffing back around.
Take this as a lesson learned and in the future adjust your picker to Men Of Character. Not cheating assholes who carry on an entire relationship, engagement, marriage AND honeymoon practically right in front of your face. How were you not thoroughly disgusted once all of this came out? What part of you felt like you deserved to be subjected to even another second of this mindfuckery? Did you think you were special simply because he had been married 5 minutes and he was already bored of the woman he cheated on you with and married behind your back?
You know better. It’s time to do better. There’s no sense in contacting the wife because she probably already knows everything. And there’s no sense in wondering her next move. Leave her in peace and concentrate on your next move. Your next decision should be to cut all ties with this man and not look back.
Neither you nor his wife signed up to be the Other Woman, yet once you learned the truth you inadvertently signed the Other Woman Guestbook in big, huge fucking letters. You owe yourself better than to let yourself be dragged to such a nauseating level of character.