An alert chump in the U.S. military sent me this link to the columnist “Ms. Vicki” whose advice runs in military publications and on military.com. The question posed was whether or not to tell an OW’s husband, a Marine, that he was being chumped.
I’ll let you judge the caliber of this advice for yourself. My snark savagery will appear afterwards.
Dear Ms. Vicki,
After 18 years of marriage, I found out my husband is having an affair. The other woman is married to another Marine, and this is not the only affair my husband has had.
My husband has never said “sorry,” and I have filed for divorce. He has made a mockery out of this.
I want to contact the other husband and let him know his wife is a cheater. Am I wrong? My life is turned upside down. Please help.
Wow, 18 years? I am so sorry to hear this. I don’t blame you for wanting to contact this hussy’s husband and tell him that his wife is a cheater. You have been through so much emotional turmoil because of her actions.
I’m increasingly meeting women who confess that they are the “Other Woman,” and they don’t mind being in that position.
They report that being the other woman is the best position in the world to be in for several reasons. They don’t have the stress of keeping the marriage together.
When they see your husband, he is looking good and at his best. He is not stressed out about work and sad about other life events because you, the wife, put up with the problems.
The Other Woman doesn’t have to cook his meals or wash his dirty underwear. When she has her rendezvous with your husband, he is ready to have fun and spend his money.
Lastly, the Other Woman doesn’t care anything about “his wife” or “his children.” It’s all about her.
When I hear this kind of thing, it makes me realize how easy it is to be the Other Woman. The Other Woman doesn’t have any investment.
So, I know your first reaction is to tell this Marine that his wife has been cheating with your husband.
I agree that he should know, but I’m wondering if that will keep you on a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil. Besides, if she is the typical “Other Woman,” she doesn’t care if you tell her husband.
Please know that marriage can survive infidelity. I know many that have survived and became much better, with the couple being open and honest with each other about what caused the affair.
I can’t tell you to stay or leave your husband. However, you should give careful consideration to both. Let me know what you decide to do.
Dear Ms. Vicki,
Your advice sucks. You took a question that ostensibly was about two chumps — the writer (married to a serial cheater) and the OW’s husband, a Marine who is unknowingly being chumped — and you made it all about the OW.
The OW is a side dish, a fuckbuddy frippery. She’s not All Powerful with the “best position in the world.” (What position would that be? Doggy style? Reverse cowgirl?) According to “Devastated Wife” she’s not even the first OW. She’s the most recent. And yet instead of comfort and clear-headed direction, you write a valentine to OW. It’s so “easy”! So “fun”! and the OW gets to “spend his money”!
You make cheating sound like a cross between a day at the mall and summer camp. Who wants to be a wife when you can be a groovy, carefree fuck puppet?
The OW isn’t the problem here — the problem is DW’s SERIAL CHEATING HUSBAND. As long as there’s a buffet of willing OW, the guy isn’t going to keep it in his pants. Hell, more to the point, HE ISN’T EVEN SORRY FOR CHEATING ON HER. According to DW, he’s “made a mockery” of her attempts to escape his abuse, i.e., filing for divorce. And you think her marriage could “survive” and “be much better”? Based on WHAT? Magic unicorn dust?
What evidence do you have that it could be better? His serial philandering? His utter lack of respect for DW? His complete absence of remorse?
Or do you just, on principle, think it’s a shame to throw away an 18-year marriage, even if that marriage is full of abuse? DW isn’t the person throwing the marriage away, Vicki. It’s her husband. He shat on it. She can stick around and let him continue to shit on their marriage or she can find her self respect and leave.
The woman finds the courage to do that — and you question her judgement and bizarrely tell her how fabulous it is to be an OW. Gee, maybe she should be more fun like the OW. Pick me dance anyone?
“You have been through so much emotional turmoil because of her actions.”
No. She’s been through so much turmoil because her HUSBAND brought the OW into her world. Her husband betrayed her and humiliated her. The OW could be anyone.
But hey, she’s not just anyone. She’s some Marine’s wife. Some guy who is serving our country whose wife is fucking around on him. That guy doesn’t even merit a half a sentence from you. Sure, tell him, you say — but “if she is the typical ‘Other Woman,’ she doesn’t care if you tell her husband.”
IT’S NOT ABOUT HER! It’s about HIM! He deserves the dignity of the truth. He deserves to know his wife is endangering his health and well-being. By saying OW “doesn’t care” you are as good as saying “oh, don’t bother.”
Hell YES she should BOTHER. Clearly you don’t spend any time on infidelity boards, because if you did you’d know that OW care very much if you tell their husbands. It has a sobering effect on affairs, and usually results in OW either winding up divorced (and being thrown under the bus by the married man who doesn’t want a quite-so available OW), or desperately doing damage control with her husband.
The truth should win out. That man deserves to know. Who gives a fuck if his wife cares or doesn’t care? She didn’t much consider HIS feelings in the matter, now did she?
Vicki, your advice is offensive and wrong-headed. Can’t the military find a better use for your writing abilities? Users manuals? Deployment newsletters? PowerPoint presentations?
Stay out of the deep waters of infidelity. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Dear Devastated Wife,
Yes, tell the OW’s husband. He deserves the truth.
Your husband is a serial cheater, who is not one bit sorry. He’s abused you and your trust long enough. There is nothing here to work with. Stay the course on the divorce.
It’s better on the other side. ((Big hugs))