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Some Language on Language

Hi chumps, I’m back. My husband and I spent a few days of spring break in New York City, and now that I’m happily stuffed with pastrami and culture, I can return to my blog duties.

Apparently, a kerfuffle about my potty mouth broke out while I was away. I see that as an excellent opportunity to talk about language on this blog and the language that surrounds infidelity. My potty mouth is completely deliberate. I mean, I swear quite naturally (talk to anyone who has driven with me), but certainly not blue streaks of invective every day. IRL Tracy is quite different than Chump Lady. It’s not like I fling eff bombs when ordering groceries or visiting elderly relatives. But I do enjoy salty language and see nothing wrong with indulging in it when the situation warrants.

“The sort of twee person who thinks that swearing is in any way a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just fucking lunacy,” says Stephen Fry. In the video clip above, Fry makes a wonderful argument for the pleasures of swearing, and I couldn’t agree more. It’s one of life’s little “extras,” as he rightfully points out.

But the swearing I do on this blog isn’t just to liven up my language. Certainly there is a danger of over egging the pudding if you swear too often. No, the cursing I do is to bitchslap you out of your chumpiness. To get you angry. And to shock you out of the ridiculous euphemisms we use when discussing infidelity.

Ever hit your thumb with a hammer? GODDAMNSONOFABITCH! You can’t even help it. Reflexive swearing kicks in with the pain. Well, infidelity is a hell of a lot more painful than hitting your thumb with a hammer. Writing about infidelity is writing about PAIN. I’m not sugarcoating it. Being cheated on hurts like a motherfucker.

So why do we use such stupid words to describe the experience? Like “wayward.” OMG I fucking hate that word. I’ve written an entire post on how much I hate the word “wayward.”

“Wayward” sounds soft in the head. Like they weren’t off pre-meditatedly boinking someone they met on Craigslist but rather got befuddled, lost their car keys, and couldn’t find their way home until a kindly adult came and pinned the directions on their sweater.

It’s a euphemism. It masks all the ugliness of CHEATER, (keyword: cheat, which comes from the Old English, to fuck people you aren’t married to), with the gentler, dulcet sounding waaaywaahrd. Oh poor Wayward. He knows not what he does. He’s lost and a bit dim. You’d stop and help a Wayward. If Cheater were there sticking his thumb out at the side of the road, you’d drive on past lest he rape you in a ditch and leave you dead.

I don’t like “betrayed spouse” either. I prefer the word “chump.” Because I think it better describes the experience. It’s not enough that you were betrayed — you were defrauded. Played for a fool. Conned. Humiliated. Assumed to be stupid. Disrespected. “Chump” conveys all of that. “Betrayed spouse” puts you in victim mode. I am a Spouse who was Betrayed.

No, you are a spouse who was cheated on, and played by a con. You were chumped. That says more about the con artist than it says about YOU. You were just the mark.

Why do we encase our language about infidelity with words like “fog,” and “brokenness,” and “midlife crisis”? Because it MINIMIZES the experience. The language reflects the CHEATER’S narrative about infidelity. It benefits the perpetrator of infidelity, not its victims. Those people have a very different narrative of what happened. Which is more like GODDAMNSONOFABITCH! They’re in pain.

Who wants you to eat that pain, and describe it in lesser terms? Cheaters. I call this dynamic “eating the shit sandwich.” Not eating the liverwurst sandwich, or the moldy sandwich, or the gluten-free sandwich — a SHIT sandwich. It’s a not a nice thing. It’s just disguised as a nice thing. (A sandwich!) Upon closer inspection…. (Shit.)

So, hère on this blog, we call a thing a thing. I don’t want you lost in a soup of regret and warm fuzzies for your cheater. I don’t want you beating yourself up about this. I want you to get righteously pissed off and OWN what happened to you. And use the language you need to describe YOUR pain. Sure, some of you may prefer to do that without swearing, but my sense is most of you say GODDAMNSONOFABITCH when you’re in pain. Not “sugar plums!”

Is it a permanent condition, this pain? No, it’s finite, if you let it be finite. You won’t stay in an agonizing anger forever. But while you’re getting to meh — swear like a sailor. Hell, swear like a sailor when you have to remember it. Let your anger remind you that this person is NOT your friend. They suck.

Sometimes I think I’m like Rent-A-Spleen. People write to me because they can’t get mad about things. They’re stuck. They’re confused. They want me to get mad for them, at these injustices. And I do that. I lead the charge. HELL NO can they treat you this way! STAND UP! Get angry! Say FUCK NO!

Does that make me an angry person, stuck in some anger stage? No, it makes me a coach (a profession not known for their gentle language). Get on the field, kid! GIVE ‘EM HELL!

And use your potty mouths.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “Ever hit your thumb with a hammer? GODDAMNSONOFABITCH! You can’t even help it.” The last time I injured myself, the only way I could get my torn up hand under the faucet to clean it was chanting fuck at volume the entire time.

    We even have a small scientific study that may explain why you can’t help it:

    “The study, published today in the journal NeuroReport, measured how long college students could keep their hands immersed in cold water. During the chilly exercise, they could repeat an expletive of their choice or chant a neutral word. When swearing, the 67 student volunteers reported less pain and on average endured about 40 seconds longer.”

    • Dat – Interesting article. It seems that swearing helps us take back our power. Of course, swear words have worth only within cultures. In other words, another country’s swear words don’t have the same impact, and that applies even when two countries have the same language because we have ordained different words as the swear words. For me, I can say “bloody” or “bugger off” and it doesn’t relive any stress for me, because I’m not British. But I can imagine saying “fuck off” to my ex, and it feels right!

      • I was in a music workshop, and the “facilitator” pointed out that swear words use percussive sounds, which may be why they’re more satisfying (she had the aha moment when her ODD son let loose a string of invective at her, and she totally detached from the moment and noticed it).

        Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck about the science or the philosophy of it in the long run….

    • I love this blog and this discussion. I have a child with the fucker husband who cheated, lied and stole years of my life making me a fool by turning my trust into stupidity. He degraded me by bringing his married girlfriend and her family into my life (they were ‘colleagues’ on a board for a birth education organization-it’s mission to support new mothers and families my child was 1 when they began dating–they should choke on all the yummy food they make)

      My question is my anger is consuming me and taking up too much of my life energy. Unfortunately I cannot go NC because he insisted on having my child shuffle between us each week at the age of 5. (May they rot right here on this earth)

      I read this blog religiously and it has prevented me from playing pick me and imagining my ex as my friend. He is NOT. I do wonder sometimes if it fuels my anger. It hurts to be this angry. I wish I could be free of all of it but every time I know I have to see him the anger intensifies. How does one get to meh? It is 11 months since D-day and seven years of lying and emotional abuse. I love you all.


      • Dear Chumpectomy,

        I know there are many methods and resources to help with the anger. However, one site I have found very useful is Lynne Namka’s

        A thought: being rightly ‘hot with anger’ has been the impetus that has fueled many worthy causes and impelled many to make positive life changes. Anger is an authentic emotion that should not be stifled; just properly directed!

        Just depends on how the ‘fuel’ from this anger is used….to ‘power a vehicle’ or to ‘burn a building’……your choice how to use the ‘fuel’, but we all need direction on how to do that sometimes.

        (By the way, 11 months is far too short a time to have already healed from 7 years of horror. Reasonable that you are still having issues with the anger, especially dealing with ‘co-parenting’, though I use that term lightly. You are the only real parent your child has)

        Forge on, friend, Forge On!!!

        PS: Welcome back, Chump Lady! But, please, do keep Chris around…….

          • Dear notyou,

            Thanks for adding the link. I do not know how to do that!!

            Forge on, friends, Forge On!

        • Thank you ForgeOn! This link it enormously helpful. I have thought a lot about why I am so angry. I think it is more about the communal betrayal. My whole life is about getting better lives for women–all women–in all of our diversity. I am a feminist anthropologist. The women at this birth organization claim to fight for women’s dignity in birthing–their motto is “Birth Matters.” The executive director who was my doula and many leaders in the organization who I knew and supported knew of the affair. I learned that they theorized about my marriage and took voyeuristic pleasure in their friend’s ability to meet my husband’s emotional needs (!WTF!) I learned that the executive director herself met her husband when he was married, he her professor and she his graduate student. This is a woman who claims to support families. What?! During the most vulnerable of times?! These are the women I support. As CL says they are no credit to our gender. The interesting thing for me now is to re-envision my life work. I want to give nothing to women who would do this to other women, but yet on some level I believe they do these catty horrible damaging things because they have no economic and political support. On the other hand they can die homeless and voiceless and I could care less. They took my voice and ability to make decisions in my life away from me by hiding my ex’s affair with the president of their board. My friends have told me to leave it and heal myself. I have a dissertation to write and bills to pay, a child to raise very well with good character. What I am saying is the very source of my anger’s direction towards women’s rights has been derailed by this. What I am thinking is that I have to deepen it and make it more powerful because it is truer. I am struggling with that and my anger is cycling in on itself. Thanks for listening to me. I so appreciate it and your very helpful suggestions. The website is great.

          • And ChumpNation WILL continue to listen!

            You will continue to receive real love, real strength, real answers and real direction here. This I have found to be true for me in the short time I have been here. This is a MOST amazing place to be! Thanks to Dr. Simon for directing me here!

            Hang tough, Chumpectomy…….It is a process……One thing I like to remind my friends, young & old alike, during their various trials: It is people who have let us down. Not once in my entire 56 years has my Creator, my God, ever let me down! Not once!! Only people….Yet, at the same time, our loving God has provided people like ChumpNation, people that have stayed the course, people who do not let others down!

            Some people in our life let us down, yet there is always someone to point us back to where we need to be….With our God & Creator first & foremost, then with people who He knows will lift us back up.

            That is my thought for this day…..

            Love to all….

            Forge on, friends, Forge On!!!!

      • Chumpectomy,
        Hang in there, I know it’s tough!! Are you able at all to relocate? I find that putting actual physical distance between cheater ex-H and me helps tremendously. If you can’t just keep trying to do things for yourself, anything that empowers you–going to the gym, doing hobbies or activities that you enjoy, etc. Try to redirect your energy into healing yourself, anytime you think of cheater H and OW, just think of them as stealing your energy, so take it back and think of things that make you happy.

        Don’t know what else to say but I wish you can diminish your anger so that it doesn’t hurt you so much. Moving far away helped me tremendously but I know not everyone has that option. Good luck to you!

        • I’m looking at actually paying an attorney and filing for divorce this month. While I’m not looking forward to the shit storm that will happen once I let STBX know that I know about the affair and that I won’t stand in the way of twu wuv, I am looking forward to not having to deal with him on a daily basis.

          We don’t have children, so I won’t have to deal with him once the decree goes through. I think it’s harder for chumps who have to “co”-parent with their cheaters.

          That said, in my case, it’s been a year and a half since D-day. I’m tired of keeping knowledge of the affair under my hat. I’m still angry at STBX, but I have found that filling my day with stuff that I like has helped a lot.

        • This is great advice that I needed to hear. I have always put my enjoyment needs on the back burner and that is a hard habit to break. Right now, I feel joy in sitting at my table writing to you, a kindred spirit, in the sunlight. Thank you so much.

      • Chumpectomy, I’m not sure how you do it alone. I went to EMDR therapy and talk, had PTSD going on too, so needed that. I definitely know what it’s like to walk about angry, so angry, but at the same time not letting it out. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life where I allowed myself to TRULY be angry, to actually express the rage. If this is you, it makes it very hard to let go because you are internalizing it so much – and in truth? If you are anything like me, once you really go introspective you will realize that half of that anger is directed at yourself. Once I forgave myself for being suckered, my anger was much reduced. Then I went through a whole, “there must be justice” angry phase, then I got to meh for the most part.

      • Had to comment, Chumpectomy…My vitals: 12-year marriage, serial cheating discovered in Aug 2011 (friends, neighbors, co-workers, Ashley Madison, etc.), moved out May 2012, divorced April 2013, 10 year-old son with cheater.

        I agree with FO — 11 months isn’t long. At all. Don’t beat yourself up! The timelines that get batted around (e.g., ‘one month for every year you were married’) are NOT a one-size fits all. There are so many variables that impact “recovery time” like your support network, FOO issues, legal issues, whether or not the ex is a punishing bastard……

        Please, please, re-read the “no contact” blogs from Tracy. Over the holidays, I was getting pummeled by emails from the ex (under the guise of “this is about our son and it is URGENT.” It never was, it was just a tactic to reel me in). I replied in a business-like tone, but it didn’t get better. I was a mess – checking email obsessively, riddled with anxiety….just a mess as I anticipated the next blow. My therapist suggested this: Tell him you will save his emails and reply to all of them, in total, two times per week. If anything urgent came up, he could call my cell (I blocked his texts).

        I did it and I feel like a new person. We *have* to communicate about our son, but that’s it. Keep the boundary in place – if he gets off track, calmly bring him back to the matter at hand (your child. Period).

        Believe me, you sound just like I did. It does get better. I swear (and I would not have believed me, but it’s true!) Hang in there.

      • Anger is your friend. It’s your warning system going off. Anger is trying to fuel you out of a bad situation, making you vigilant to keep your guard up. Yes, it’s exhausting at first. But it’s early days and you need the anger to really internalize Who He Is. Once you’ve really got a handle on that, and the strength of your own boundaries, (I can defend my borders), you will get to “meh” in time.

        He’s not your friend…. and so what? He’s in the Not Your Friend camp. Along with total strangers and other people you don’t give a flip about. You’re not there yet. No worries, it’s a process.

      • Chumpectomy,

        Your situation dovetails mine almost exactly down to the time frame and not going NC because of custody arrangements. I was married 7 years and it’s been 11 months for me since I’ve been dumped. ForgeOn is right, 11 months isn’t long enough to heal – for me, the thought of the OM still makes me physically ill, and the fact that he now sees my children makes me ill as well. I use the anger to drive my work and to get in better shape and not how I’m going to haunt him. I probably have another year or two before I might start thinking about reaching “meh”.

    • I am a runner and always let out “fuck” a few times while charging up a hill. It helps, it really does. Apparently, research now proves it.

      • ChumptedTwice, I agree running helps a lot! Your words also made me think of the song, “Running Up That Hill”, by Kate Bush (which I love)…

        Here it is for those who don’t know it:

      • I think the only way I could run up a hill is if I said “fuck.” And more than once. fuckfuckfuckfuckthishillfuck!

        • I’m a runner and I want to know how y’all have enough wind to swear while running uphill! That’s a serious feat of athleticism with something as long as fuckfuckfuckfuckthishilfuck! I gotta do all my swearing in my HEAD uphill 😉 I am obviously not training correctly, hahaha.

          • Way I would get up the hill is “Fuck this hill! I’m waiting for a goddamned lift!”

  • The main reason I like your swearing is because it is the opposite of the RIC’s word salad.

    The RIC touts ridiculously complex ways to say what happens with infidelity. It minimizes it and tries to overthink it to the point that people don’t know which way is up. When you talk about cheating, you tell it like it is, and the swearing gives it the punch it needs to break through all that word salad.

    The second reason I like the swearing is because I feel like swearing, but I can’t swear to anyone else. I have a professional job during the day, then go home to young kids. There’s no room in my life for swearing. This is my safe place to swear a bit.

    Another reason to swear? Much of the time, the words are being used accurately, according to the dictionary. Not gratuitously. Aka, the OW really is a whore. Accurate! And he really did fuck me over. Accurate!

    • It’s ridiculously complex because the RIC wants you to reconcile “cheating on someone” with “loving” them. It’s mental gymnastics and the language reflects that.

    • Exactly right. Swearing does combat the word salad/new age gibberish . It seems to highlight the difference between the idiotic crap coming out of the cheater’s fucking piehole.

  • Oh yes.

    I also hate all the soft words and low tones used by the Reconciliation Complex. Those words like to convince us chumps that it isn’t so bad, that we can persevere and triumph over MLC or brokenness or FOO or Sex Addiction or whatever the wayward ailment of the moment is.

    I love how ChumpLady puts it plain with the appropriate amount of outrage that only a well placed “fuck” can convey. That is how chumps see that yes, they can put down the spackle, and yes, cheaters do suck, and no, it really doesn’t matter why.

  • There is also an art to cursing, which the British have a monopoly…While you are quite talented in the craft of swearing CL, I once stumbled across a British infidelity blog of chumps (never been able to find it again) and it was the most wonderful , artful use of cursing I have ever heard…I must admit to being extremely jealous of the creative craft of British swearing, cursing envy if you will …I laughed I cried I read it again and again…should have bookmarked.

  • I’m a writer. Words are life for me. There are times and situations that even the most intelligent, well thought out words and phrases can’t cover what a person is feeling. There are times, like the ones I am going through now, where the only thing that can be said is FUCK this SHIT. There is nothing more apt for the situation at hand. Nothing.

    I love this blog because you tell it like it is, but also because you do it in an educated and eloquent way. Curse words and all. <3 Thank you.

  • Perfect Apologetics of Profanity, CL. Love you. Chump Nation, swear on!

  • I called my ex “kamina” (scoundrel), “harami” (one whose father is not known or son of a whore) and a few more many times, after Realization of my being “Chumped” set in.
    My ex revolted that I was abusive. Even I was surprised at my own language as I didn’t use expletives ever before in life. But pat came my reply, thus:
    “Man, this is your description. It is a fact not abuse. Do you not know yourself that you are a Kamina or that your mother is a whore. But, if you say the same to me then it is abusive. Cos, I am not that!”
    I must say, it gave me power to stay on against injustice!

    • And aren’t they good at projecting? He would know how to abuse–and he abuses–but he accuses YOU of being abusive.

      Mine, too. I did say some very truthful and hurtful things to him on his way out the door, that he was unattractive, that he dressed terribly, that people warned me not to be with him because he was weird, etc. All of it true, all of it just awful, nothing you would say to someone who doesn’t deserve it. In some ways I regret it–I wish I’d have kept it to myself, and let him wear the truth like a bad haircut. I was justified, so I don’t let it get to me. But, boy, did he yelp about it–said I was making it hard to regret what he’d done, making him think he was right to leave. He tried to turn it back on me, but I let it fall on the floor. I don’t accept any blame for who he is. Nor should you.

    • I’m always gratified to learn new curse words. Thanks, anudi!

      IMO, of course your ex revolted at your new language — you were assuming power (really taking back your power) and your language expressed that. You weren’t hiding his misdeeds under a veneer of euphemism. It seems that a lot of disordered thinkers cry “abuse” at the truth. Ruins their narrative and the image they wish to present.

      • ETA, scolding you was his attempt to trip you up and assume a position of superiority. (I’m The Real Victim Here!)

    • I called OW a “cocksucker” and he got all offended like I should be showing them more respect….but I bet that’s how it all started.

      • My X swore at me countless times over 16 years. My therapist for the last 6 months tells me he abused me. And during sex, he called me the same names that he swore at me when he was mad (“cunt,” “whore,” “slut”, “little bitch,”) as if they were terms of endearment. D-day night when I found out and exposed them, he had lied to my face that morning and told me he was eating dinner at Burger King after work (huh? that was what sparked my suspicions and made me check cell phone log)…. two months ago in my last phone call with him, I swore at him, mocking his lies, saying, “where where you? Burger King? or in [otherwoman’s] pussy??!! He got ALL OFFENDED at my foul language – and said “This. Phone. Call. Is. Over!” What a hypocrite.

        • Hahaha muse. My last phone convo with the ex I said that the other woman was just like me except for the fact I have class, dignity, morals, and I’m not a whore. He got all pissy and hung up and then tried to say nothing he agreed to in the phone call would happen because I was so mean to him….guess the truth hurts sometimes. Lol
          Side note: still got everything I wanted! 😉

  • Tracy, welcome back. Chris, thank you for doing an stellar job while Tracy was away.

  • Infidelity is the antithesis of the GOLDEN RULE (do unto others, treat others as you would like to be treated…). Therefore in discussing it, antithetical language is required. Cloaking it in euphemisms seems unauthentic or lacking truth and fidelity.

  • Welcome back! Glad that you enjoyed the Cloisters. Hope you got some real Ray’s pizza.

    Regarding the language article: Fucking A right!

    • No Ray’s pizza. V&T’s up by Columbia. (My husband’s favorite. Eggplant swimming in a sea of cheese. It’s like eating a cannonball.)

      • I envy the pastrami you got CL. I dream of NYC pastrami sandwiches in all their glory, with that wonderful fat running through it, and the perfect mustard. I am starving for it now!

        • Ahhh, you don’t know from pastrami! Come up here to Montreal to have one of our smoked meat sandwiches! Even the New Yorkers get jealous ….

          (Just had one for lunch, w/homecut fries. Already have heartburn, but it’s SOOO worth it!)

          • Pastrami is very yummy. Can Canucks be trusted with cured meats? “Smoked meat sandwich”… is that code for “moose tongue”? What kinda meat? 😉

          • Amen Karen (from an ex-Montrealer)! And bring on the Montreal bagels!

            I thought you were from T’ranna?

          • Speaking of “meat smoking”, perhaps that would be an apt description of my xws extracurricular activities( neither was all that skilled, but practice makes perfect. So, maybe they have improved their rather lame techniques).
            And, yes you Canadiens smoke a mean meat.

      • Glad to know V&T’s is still going strong. Ate there a lot while I was at Columbia for an internship in 1983. Ironically it was during that time in New York that my ex was love bombing me to come back to Utah and marry him, not stay in New York for my budding PR career. Needless to say I married him and gave up my own career aspirations in favor of supporting him through medical school and stayed at home with our 4 children while he, unbeknown to me, lived a double life of rabid infidelity. Now that I am free I need to plan a trip back to NYC and get me some great pizza!!!!!

  • Actually, Tracy – I love the f-bombing and calling a dickhead a dick honesty and bluntness of your blog! The comment I made (in response to another who kind of observed the same thing) was on one of Chris’s blogs where the fucks and “shitting breakfast” was flying so fast and furious (and above the normal level of profane fun) that I thought it – that one time – bordered on extraneous. It wasn’t even noon Eastern time – maybe it was just hit me wrong that early in the day. It just seemed like Chris – a great writer – was trying too hard to channel Lenny Bruce. Sure didn’t mean to feed a kerfuffle. Personally – my favorite curse is “Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ!” So it’s not like I’m a shrinking violet re: language’s colorful uses.

    • My late grandfather (a font of colorful cursing) used to say “Christ on a crutch!” among other savories. “Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.” “Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.” Or “what time is it Grandpa?” — “Milkin’ time! Grab a tit!” or “Time for all fools to be dead. Ain’t you feeling sick?”


      • I am not sure if this is a fit, but my dear old Dad used to say “if he plays with her, he is too lazy to play with himself”!! I never understood what he meant until I got married at 25. I was a slow learner.

  • Chump Lady, the swearing helps me a lot, I do feel like you are our coach and you keep me focused on the things that we chumps need to do to get out of this hell hole.

    Anytime I feel like ex-H is “lost”, “confused”, whatever, coming to the site helps me realize that no, he’s an adult who felt entitled to cheat and he deserves no mercy from me.

  • And lest we verbalise those things we fantasize about doing to the fucking fuckers too!
    Hell Ya!
    The more swearing the better.
    Those are the days I cope the best.
    The days I repress these feeling in loo of compassion.
    I FAIL…..
    Something I am working on….compassion.
    I am now turning that inward, because that’s where it needs to be.
    Gotta Love myself first. The rest will come, but only with the deserving.
    Forgiveness….now that’s another topic I wish you would cover Chumplady!
    Perhaps you already have……
    I don’t know that I will ever be able to do that.
    Although, never say never.
    I did forgive him once before.
    Took him back and believed him.
    Maybe that’s where I went wrong?
    Fucker! Fucker! Fucker!
    And then I let out a really good scream and let the tears roll…….
    Once a week therapy on top of my therapist.
    My Car is filled with angst and anger.
    That’s where the screaming sessions take place.
    Anyone here who doesn’t think swearing is valuable…….
    Gotta question that.
    I’d say they might be the forgiving and forgetting type.
    See where that gets ya……vulnerable and gullible.
    I am a full fledged Chumptress and I vow to never put up with that BULL FUCKING SHIT again!

    • Happliy, yes. Scream-therapy is great, too.

      One of my friends has a “screaming closet”, where any member of their family can go at any time and just scream their lungs out. She says it works wonderfully.

    • “My car is filled with angst and anger” is perfect. My car is also filled with tears and screams and curse words and the smell of smoke from cigarettes I shouldn’t have smoked. I thanked God for the 45 minute commute to work right after dday, just so I could get it all out before I got to work. I was thankful for the 15 minute drive to my best friends house so I could pull myself together in the car, but loose it all on her front porch when I rang her doorbell. I just went out for a screaming drive this past Monday after dickhead set me off about something else.

      By the time I was ready to leave, dickhead and I were screaming, yelling and cursing at each other in front of two young boys. It was definitely not my personality to behave that way, but it seemed like he couldn’t hear me if I didn’t . To see them huddled on the sofa together during these fights was heart wrenching. That’s when I decided it was best to walk away and go for a drive.

      Curse on Chumps. CL has the right idea. Sometimes you have to call a fucker a fucker. Lord knows our cheaters have called us suckers!

    • When I’m alone in my car, often I repeat one of his ridiculous statements or lies out loud, then I laugh out loud for several minutes. Like this one: “all I want is to be treated as an equal – I want you to treat me the way you wish to be treated!” or “I am *fiercely* loyal to you, Margaret (my name)!!” (said to induce me on D-day itself to agree to list our house for sale so he could cash out and run off with OW); or “I never want you to hurt, Margaret. Not in any way. Ever.” Said two months ago, six months after D-Day. I don’t have to swear, just to repeat his hypocritical, lying cheating ass statements.

      • My friend & I call it the “shower argument”. You know, when you’re in the shower & have the most awesome 1 sided argument w/ your cheater. It’s so cathartic, & I *always* win! Highly recommended.

        • NOW I know who was showering with me all those years!!! :0

          Glad to know I am not the only one!!!! Yeah, since we are the ones that are reasonable & logical, of course we “always win”!

          Yes, and on long walks in the woods & on the trails with my Danes. You should have seen some of the looks those precious critters gave me as I ranted on!

          Love this conversation! It has been so strengthening! So full of love!

          Forge On, Nation!

        • The only way to have any type of reasonable conversation with one of these cheaters and reach any kind of release is to simply have the conversation with yourself by yourself. At least we know we make sense. Otherwise, you end up with “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say,” and really, who the fuck needs to have that experience regularly.

  • What’s weird is in the “anger stage” I felt like a crusty old sailor had taken up residence in my head. I’m a pretty mild mannered person, but I couldn’t even think my ex’s name without adding a “f-you” in front of it for awhile. It bothered me that my head was so full of cuss words, but now that the anger has subsided they are gone. Personally I know when I come here I’m going to see cuss words. It’s my choice to come here and if I don’t like reading cuss words I can find another blog to read. It’s not like I’m being forced at gunpoint to read Chumplady.

    • Me too. My journal is full of F-variations… And they are prevalent in my thoughts anytime I think about my ex. It’s just that it’s the closest to conveying the hurt and pain…and I don’t think words can ever quite convey it even so.

  • I just want to say that back during the deep-of-Winter, I decided to put in 7.1 surround sound in my upstairs rec room. As part of this effort, I built a catwalk in the upper attic, and while doing that I actually did manage to hit my own finger with a hammer, and I hit it really good too 🙁

    Yep. TimeHeals, handyman extraordinaire (if you knew how I over-think and procrastinate any improvement project, that would be funny), dealt a hefty blow to his left index finger, tears involuntarily welled up in his eyes, he flung the hammer away thoughtlessly and jumped backward without looking and without regard to his personal safety as if he were trying to distance himself from a deadly cobra poised to strike again at any moment, and he shouted loud enough for the neighbors to hear, “SHIT!!!!!!” while he dripped blood on pink Corning fiberglass insulation 🙂

    That really hurt. It hurt for weeks. left an open gash too.

    All I am saying is, “don’t underestimate the pain of striking yourself with a full blow of a hammer. That shit hurts”. lol

    • It does. And I think you navigated that painful situation well with invective. SHIT!!!!!

  • I have to say, I just love it. And, I never knew the word ‘cheat’ came from having fucked someone you weren’t married to, this is absolutely amazing, it is so bold and not fluffy at all!

    I see your point, fog, wayward, betrayed…beat me with a sad violin.

    My sonofabitchhusband he can go f himself and the whore he found, actually he found the whore in himself and then found a whore who thinks, they both think this is just fine.

    • I think CL was indulging in a bit of hyperbole in her desire to explain why she calls the adulterer “cheater” instead of “wayward spouse.” Cheat is soooo much more descriptive.

      Etymologically speaking, the word “cheat” has its origins in legal terminology. Its first recorded usage in reference to sexual cheating was in the 20th century.

      Frankly, I like “cheater” better than “wayward,” for all the reasons CL outlines. And yes, I am a chump.

      • Wayward is an euphemism at best. What’s it’s usual connotation? “Not going or moving in the intended or expected direction”? Puleeze.

        Why not just call them “contrary” or “restless”? lol
        And put a condom on a sausage and call it a dick 😉

        Cheater, adulterer, etc are more descriptive of the actual behavior.

        • “Why not just call them “contrary” or “restless”?”

          Or dim and bad with directions.

          • Ha ha, there’s a legal term called “frolic and detour,” meant to describe when an agent or employee deviates from their assigned job duties on their journey. But it always makes me think of hanky panky.

          • lol, yeah why not? I’m sure it will make them feel better, and that’s all that’s important, right?

            • Yeah, like it’s their GPS and not their moral compass that needs an ass whuppin’…

      • Cheat- from the Latin root cheatanus : to suck feces from one’s own anus, usually by employing a small tube or hose.

  • Right up until January of 2013 I was in (major) false reconciliation complete with “geniune imitation naugahyde remorse.” That nonsense had been going on since the fall of 2010 so I was rounding my third year of my ex’s bullshit.

    What happened January 2013? I started reading chumplady and began to get a fucking clue. I needed so be bitchslapped so hard and her succinct, no nonsense, take charge attitude helped me to vomit the flowery euphamisms that I was being fed on infidelity websites right out of my vocabulary. I finally put down the spackle, stopped doing the pick me dance and told my ex I wanted a divorce.

    All of the fancy word salad used by the RIC is absolutely designed to keep us confused and looking for the unicorn. Chumplady clears that confusion right up (which sometimes necessitates swearing) and puts cheating squarely where it belongs: on the cheater. The. End!!

    • rock on cheaterssuck! I got off those RIC sites after a few months when I saw all these people posting how their spouse had finally, really, honestly cut off contact with the AP….after 2, or 3 or 4 fucking years of “reconciliation. oh hell to the no!

  • Before my DDay, I thought it was odd that both my sister and best friend, upon discovery of their cheating husbands, would use the eff bomb as a noun, verb, pronoun, adverb, adjective and conjunction. In every sentence. Kinda hurt my ears. Odd because neither of them EVER cursed before their DDay. They have since stopped using it in everyday conversation…only to pass the eff bomb baton to me who would (prior to MY DDay) NEVER use that word. It didn’t fit my life. Now, the eff word just fits. It serves a mighty purpose. It emotes.

    I stumbled upon the word “lalochezia” on Facebook. A newly chumped FB friend posted the definition. “Lalochezia (n.) the emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language.” It’s a thing! A real thing that has a name. And it just fucking fits. Used in a sentence: “Embracing lalochezia has been a healthy alternative to cutting off his fucking dick.” Thank you Chumplady & fellow Chumps for making me feel normal.

    • So cool that it has a name! Even if it’s a bit difficult to pronounce…

    • The emotional relief from using abusive and profane language is exactly what I need to replace the emotional relief I would get from punching the fucking begeezus out of that piece of shit pig. To me that seems a fair trade. It might offend other peoples ear space occasionally but there’s absolutely NO chance of me breaking a nail!

  • Another thought: I’m so damned tired of being PC all the time. Even with infidelity, people act like you’re not supposed to judge anything, or make any value statements, lest you offend anyone.

    Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. I wish more people would quit tip-toeing around real issues and just have the balls to speak the real truth.

    • A spade a spade…..yep!
      True that….
      And the whole political correctness has gotten far too out of control.
      So much so, that we all should just walk around with duct tape over our mouths.

      • I’ve known chumps that even 1-2 years after being chumped are still at the denial and bargaining stage claiming their Cheater is going through a midlife crisis, they’re broken, etc but they really were the best husband and father. NO THEY WEREN’T !!! Such is the personalities of many chumps… We spackle and intellectualize and generally make excuses for other people’s shitty behaviors. Anger is important to finally stand up and say like the movie ” I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” We have a right to be mad as Hell and that anger moves us away from the cheater and on to better lives, better people and a better you. So getting angry and using foul language to express it and release it, is necessary, appropriate and healthy. I’d worry about those who repress their anger, make excuses and never stand up for themselves. They’re always gonna be a chump!

    • I don’t do politically correct!!
      Stinky stuff!!!!!

      (But, I don’t have a potty mouth….I just don’t….Never have…..Can I stay at ChumpNation anyway? Please?……)

      By the way……This post & comments session has been like a Family Reunion to welcome the matriarch home……Only better…..Because we are all Chumps; no Cheaters here to spoil the joy!

      Forge on, ChumpNation, Forge On!!!!

      • Speaking for myself, I don’t find your lack of potty mouth offensive, Forge On. I can look past it ;).

        • Traveling salesman rings the doorbell and an 8 year old boy answers wearing a smoking jacket, holding a martini, with a cigar in his other hand, wearing sunglasses.
          Shocked, the salesman exclaims ” are your parents home?
          Kid: What the fuck do you think?

          • A man is involved in a Teri me car accident where his penis is severed.
            Fortunately, his insurance adjuster is on the scene right away and tells him the insurance company will pay the picky limits, $10,000 .Further , there is an operation that can give him a new penis and the cost is $1,000per inch.
            The man is overjoyed and tells the adjuster he will confer with his wife and let him know how much he can spend.
            Adjuster returns and the man says ” well, looks like we are getting those granite counter tops for the kitchen”.

            • WTF is with this auto correct? Terrible and policy limits should have appeared in the above.

  • Uh-oh.

    I think I have a new way to waste time. I’ll need to get caught up on A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

    • It’s totally awesome. Never gets old. Try that and the complete Jeeves and Wooster series…. heaven.

  • I may be meh enough to not really need the anger release, but my rational, scientifically trained mind hates inaccurate descriptive language. It obscures the truth.

    That is not your lover. That is your whore. If I’m feeling polite maybe I’ll call her your fuck buddy. It took seven years and marriage before you got in my pants. That makes me the better woman, and she’s a slut.

    You and your whore do no ‘make love’ You FUCK. If I’m feeling polite maybe I’ll say you bump uglies together.

    The best I can really do is call the bastard child a wuv child on a fairly consistent basis since it’s not the kid’s fault.

    I am private to a fault. This is the ONLY place I let this hang out and you will notice that the anonymity afforded here aids that. But I may have been discovered, and since the bonehead CHEATER displayed a fascination with what ‘I really think’ by violating my privacy while driving me crazy with his gaslighting, I will continue to let it all hang out, using plausible deniablity to gaslight him in reverse.

    I am Chumpalicious.

  • Ironic that you chose Stephen Fry, who chumped his long term partner not too long ago for another man.

    • Really? I didn’t know that! Say it ain’t so! Oh no… this is an Aretha Franklin Doesn’t Pay Her Taxes moment.

      He’s still a comic genius, even if he’s a schmuck. The asshole theory of greatness…. I’ve blogged about it before, alas.

  • As long as we are on the topic of profanity, please explain what the difference in referring to a woman being a “cunt” ( a no-no here ) and the over use of the word whore ?
    Both labels are degrading.
    Does “whore” make some of the pain lessen ?

    • Enh. I figured someone would bring up “cunt.”

      My problem with c*nt (my spell check is giving me fits typing it!) is the misogyny. Maybe other’s feel similar about whore, but it’s descriptive (someone paid for sexual acts). C*nt IMO is like nigger. It’s transgressive. The OM/OW may be black and I would not allow nigger on my site. It’s too offensive, too freighted.

      It’s personally trigger-y for me and I hate the word. It’s my ONLY exception to the cursing. (Well, that and nigger, but no one goes there, or hasn’t yet.) At the end of the day, it’s my blog, my rules. If I hated the word “earflap,” it’s my right to censor that too.

      You might not agree with my rationale, but I hope you’ll respect my rules. I don’t have a lot, but not using c*nt is one of them.

      • Yes, but if you adore that classic genius film with Richard E Grant, Withnail and I, you can never disrespect the use of the word “cunt” again. “Monty you terrible cunt”.

        • Haven’t seen that movie in ages. Enh. I still don’t approve of c*nt, even when said cleverly with a British accent.

      • It’s triggery for me, too. The worst word of them all. Sort of like an A-bomb. Best not to use that.

        • I leave that one alone as well. When I hear a man use the c-word, or it’s less harsh version, ‘snatch’, I know he’s an objectifying misogynist generally. All women have the same gynecological features, but not all are whores.

          • This is a new derogatory word that STBX is using in reference to a woman his company hired to do consulting work. Based on what he’s said, it does sound as if she’s a real problem, but he constantly refers to her as a “fat slut,” “c*nt,” “whore,” “fat bitch,” etc.

            This is a real verbal violence. I’ve told him that this is really sexist language, and reflects poorly on him.

            Anyway, I also find his use of some of these terms ironic. It’s been clear for years that OW sleeps with any man she thinks will buy her something. That makes her a cheap whore, and he’s willing to pay top dollar for her. Also, she’s overweight, so for him to use excess weight as part of his sexist slur is also quite delicious.

            And really, I think “mother fucker” is probably an accurate description. The more I think about it, the more mommy issues I see.

            • kb,

              That word, mother f_____………I thought it was primarily ‘mommy’ issues, too. However, I came across the origin of that expression a while back….Was very interesting, as it described my cheater pants last affair to a T. Hope I can express it properly—–here goes:

              The expression MF describes a male who has sex with a young, married female who has a baby and/or toddler, (or both) children of her legal husband, to whom she is still married, perhaps even pregnant with legal husband’s child.

              The information I read indicated this was considered the most offensive type of cheating, offensive even to some who were cheaters themselves, but who nonetheless drew the line at this type of cheating.

              Made sense to me, considering the anger and vehemence that accompanies the use of this expression. Anyway…..Unfortunately, I forgot to bookmark source.

              But, thought I would share anyway…..

              Forge On……

            • I like to call the OW an ‘Ankle’…that’s about 24″ below the canooter.

            • I have a simple rule that I use to navigate what is and is no derogatory: If a word is meant to diminish somebody based on something superficial that has no obvious direct correlation with character (i.e. age, race, ethnicity, gender orientation, height, and so on), then it’s derogatory.

              If, on the other hand, it describes character, well… then… ? A liar is somebody lying, a cheater is somebody cheating, a thief is somebody stealing, a murderer is somebody murdering, and somebody who is treating others badly and displaying no empathy whatsoever is being an “asshole” -lol.

              I think it’s fine if I am judged by my behavior. If you don’t like the shoe, don’t wear it, right?

              • My rules too, Time…..Beautifully expressed!

                Like one friend, (a real man) who is also a counselor, said in reference to my cheater pants:
                “If he doesn’t want people to be talking, (as in the truth about his cheating & lying) then he shouldn’t be doing. ‘Cause if you’re doin’, there’s gonna be talkin’!”

                Like you said TIme, ‘If you don’t like the shoe, don’t wear it’

                Forge on, TimeHeals, Forge On!

              • Yep. People can’t change their age or physical characteristics, but they have full control over their character and their actions. I have no problem using derogatory words towards bad character. That is why I define my ex as a cheater, a con artist, a liar, a sociopath, a fucktard. That is his character, and he CHOOSES to be such a person.

              • I told my ex he was the antichrist. He said, “I forgive you, I know you really don’t mean it”, but I assured him that I really did. The only way to get any closer to the reality is, “mother–fucking antichrist”, which describes his hobby as well as his character, but that’s just splitting hairs.

          • Same here. When I hear a woman use the d or p words, I feel she is a misandryst.

      • Fuckin’ A, that word is fucking vulgar.

        I reserve it for one person. Guess who? Hint: she’s a twat, and a troll.

        But even I don’t say it very often.

        The word “dick” seems pretty abusive, no? To me, the word “dick” has connotations of general male stupidity and brutishness–as in, All Men are Stupid Dicks. That is vulgar, and I stay away from women who say such things. Now, I know women abuse men physically, emotionally, financially. But the average male does not fear the average woman who throws the word “dick” around. But the average female, upon hearing the c-word from even an average male? It does seem quite misogynist–and that is a dirty word I NEVER use, because it is associated with insular, pedantic university feminism culture (*gag*). But I might agree with you…hmmm…that the c-word is a little triggery. It does make me a little fearful that I am dealing with someone who harbors–and just may wield–a great deal of deep-seated hatred. I guess I’m with you on that one.

        • In the US at least, there is no word used for a man that has anywhere near the same meaning/connotation as the C word does for women. It reduces womento a body part in a very ugly way. On the flip side, it is no coincidence that men are denigrated by calling them a pussy.

        • I called the other woman that word right to her FACE. And that’s exactly what she is.

          And by the way. I was married to a man for 3 months and he called me that for no reason really at all and I had the marriage annulled on the spot. And I called his mother and told her what her son just called me. That’s how bad I hate that word.

          But when I caught THAT WOMAN fucking my husband in the Econo Lodge it’s all that I could spit out at both HIM and HER. Yes, I called my husband the same C word. He is all that.

        • Well, then , if the C word is used remotely , like over the Internet, where there can be no realistic chance of imminent violence, it should not bother you then, right?

      • The mere mention of the word cunt is traumatizing to me. Reminds me that the patriarchy has imposed it’s will on us a lot he’s decades.
        Manginas unite! Right, dat?

        • How about ” crunt” combining cunt and crust?
          Or, the old standby, ” gunt” for the cunt/gut combo?

    • Smart Ass Texan

      Does “whore” make some of the pain lessen ?

      No, Whore doesn’t make it hurt any less….but in my case, he was doing just that. Fucking Whores/Prostitutes. And as far as I am concerned….he is also a Whore. I do agree that the C word is awful and degrading though….I don’t use it. But Whore, Yes! if you are selling it….then Yes! The shoe fits…..

      • The other thing is, the c-word is still more taboo media-wise. Most stuff around us has pretty much all the swear words on this blog other than the c-word. I agree it’s triggery, but I think we also have it partly ingrained from our culture too. I personally don’t get any satisfaction using it anyways.

  • CL,

    I have always thought your language was perfect, both pungent and perceptive.

    You are inventing a kind of brute-force, wake-the-person-up vocabulary here. It’s neither dry, scientific and clinical nor is it steeped in the quick-forgiveness/moral relativism and deliberate fogginess promoted by so many. (Example: “Morton simply lost his way. Besieged by bills, responsiblities and a mid-life crisis, Morton didn’t really choose to have an affair. His affair happened to him….. Poor Morton!”)

    I like your ability to cut through the bullshit. I don’t think you swear here either too much or too little. You give people a chance to see things differently and you orient them toward action, with MEH as the ultimate goal. And MEH is the right goal. That’s the kind of forgiveness (getting so bored with a nark that you don’t care) that the narks deserve!

    So, Sergeant CL, keep both the wisdom and the pugency coming!

    Chump Son

    p.s. Can you draw us a cartoon of yourself as a Drill Sergeant? Kind of like Lou Gosset Junior in “An Officer and a Gentleman” or R. Lee Ermey in “Full Metal Jacket.”

    • David……’Perfecto’!!~

      “Morton simply lost his way. Besieged by bills, responsiblities and a mid-life crisis, Morton didn’t really choose to have an affair. His affair happened to him….. Poor Morton!”)

  • I’m glad you addressed this issue CL.
    It was bugging me when a couple of people were complaining about the swearing. No one was forcing them to read this blog. I can never figure those type of people out. They really do expect the world to bend to their expectatations. The person even stooped so low to say ‘she realized why our husbands cheated on us.’ Wowzer. Glad we insulted her and she went away.

    • She’ll be back under a third nickname I’m sure.

      I think sometimes people don’t realize, just because you read it, you don’t own it. Nobody is putting a gun to their heads forcing them to read here, so to get offended by language that’s falling out of other people’s mouths really tells me that IRL, they probably flip out in the bank line, get offended at the neighbors for no reason, and fabricate imagined slights on a daily basis. To come here and bitch about swear words proves they are really going out of their way to get their panties in a bunch.

      And really, why start picking fights with the people that are in the same boat as them? It doesn’t make any sense.

    • yeah, I can’t believe anyone that has been cheated on themselves would EVER utter the sentence “now I realize why your husband cheated on you”. Even the most annoying and/or mean person in the world DOES NOT deserve to be cheated on.

      • Hi :- Just want to make it clear again – I am not the profanity phobic Janey!
        As someone else said at the time, Janey must have been in a very dark place at the time to have made such an offensive and unnecessary remark. Talk about ‘overreaction’ to misbehaviour from the cheap seats! 😀

        CL saved my sanity. No more. No less. And the profanity cut through the PTSD coma I was living in. I NEEDED that FUCK OFF ROAR and FUCK YOU HUMOUR – and still do, to keep me on the straight and narrow. Thank the Goddess for Tracy and thank the Goddess for you all! 🙂


        • Thinking about it ‘No more. No less’ is just a phrase – and an incorrect one at that. I didn’t mean to say that – what I meant was ‘No less’ than saved my sanity – but more, oh, so much more …. 🙂


          • Hey Jayne,

            Now I know to check where the Y is when replying! Like I said before, I had found it perturbing, because you seemed to blow hot and cold like 2 people–fortunately, now I know you are two different people!

  • The military has the perfect phrase for the emotional grenade thrown into the middle of a family……..cluster fuck.

  • Ugh – nothing bores me more than someone getting into a snit about the language used here. I just can’t see getting riled up about it… if it bugs you, just leave, don’t comment about it.

    How are we supposed to talk about it? Are we supposed to be all “innocent” and polite when we in fact have probably just completely lost our innocence when we discovered what our spouse did to us??? The shit our cheaters did with their AP and what we probably read about and heard about them doing is a lot worse than any random swearing.

    To each their own – why try to schoolmarm us into behaving better? At this age?? Seriously??

    But – back to CL’s other specifically chosen infidelity lingo… it is awesome and so well thought out. The only funny thing is when I slip into referring to myself as a chump to my real life friends that haven’t been to this blog… sometimes I get a strange look 🙂

    • If language can be too strong, it can also be too weak, too dry or too analytical. I like CL’s vocabulary, with it’s occasional forays into (I think appropriate) profanity. CL’s message to Chumps is a wake-up call.

      Think about it this way. Think of Paul Revere. Instead of dashing through New England towns screaming, “The British are coming!” at the top of his lungs, maybe he should have done this: stopped at every house and whispered, “Pssssst! Hello? Anybody home? I really do believe that the British might be on the way….”

      My apologies to readers from Merry England, whom I know come to this blog. In truth, General Gage was not a bad guy. But my point is when you are letting out a wake up call, do you want to make it all nicey-nice, or do you want to get your point across!

      CL, I still think you should do the cartoon I requested above. Just stuff the lovely hair under a helmet! And keep shouting!


      • Sorry to be the history police, but Paul Revere rode through the towns saying “the Regulars are out!”. You see, they all still thought they *were* British. Sorry again to be a PITA, but I’ve run several Rev War sites and it’s a…thing…. 🙂 Also too– he often just knocked and didn’t yell– didn’t want to alert the nearby Regulars (we were occupied by an army.)

        Other than being a history bitch, I totally agree with your major point however!

        • The Longfellow poem and Disney cartoons have everybody screwed up on that one.

          He wasn’t the only rider, he wasn’t even the only rider sent to Lexington, and he didn’t ride through the streets crying out:

          On the way to Lexington, Revere “alarmed” the country-side, stopping at each house, and arrived in Lexington about midnight. As he approached the house where Adams and Hancock were staying, a sentry asked that he not make so much noise. “Noise!” cried Revere, “You’ll have noise enough before long. The regulars are coming out!” After delivering his message, Revere was joined by a second rider, William Dawes, who had been sent on the same errand by a different route. Deciding on their own to continue on to Concord, Massachusetts, where weapons and supplies were hidden, Revere and Dawes were joined by a third rider, Dr. Samuel Prescott. Soon after, all three were arrested by a British patrol. Prescott escaped almost immediately, and Dawes soon after. Revere was held for some time and then released. Left without a horse, Revere returned to Lexington in time to witness part of the battle on the Lexington Green.

          • I’m an historian, too, and I totally appreciate the history policing! I did know about Dawes, but not about Prescott. Of course, I was using the Longfellow Revere as a metaphor. Even so, this highly educated blog is impressive! Sure, there’s a curse word here and there, but there’s also tons of brains!

            I think infidelity and narikiness (NPD-ness) deserve the loudest shout-out they can get.

            Thanks again, and thanks for the great history lesson! CL, you don’t just run a blog. You run a salon, as in the salons of Paris (before the French Revolution).


        • I thought he was yelling ” The imperialist male patriarchy( redundant, I know) is coming”.

  • I addition to swearing, I have also given them special names. He is exhole and she is scanctessa.

      • I’ve taken to referring to the OW as Dr. Hoe (pun, get it…Dr. Who??) not that I watch Dr. Who. But I wish I’d though of that while I was still in the maelstrom.

        Now–in recovery, headed, I believe, toward meh.

      • That’s funny. I routinely refer to them both as Schmoopie, as CL does, derived from Seinfeld.

  • I have to say that 3 years since I was effectively dumped, I still find myself more tearful than angry. I have a tendency towards ‘romanticising’ my past with my ex.
    That’s why I come on here… to be reminded… to be bitch-slapped. It works!

    The only other thing I’ve found even remotely as good, is seeing him in the flesh…
    and I can’t afford to keep getting the jabs 🙂

    • I saw mine recently and he looks like a sack of shit to be honest. Not sure what all the fuss is about when I see him sometimes. Still, I think NC is the best. I interact because we have a child. Otherwise, I’d be on the other side of the moon.

      • Mine too! Initially he lost 70 lbs( not for me lol) now he’s gained it all back plus about another 35-40 lbs! He ‘waddles!’ That must be some hot sex – ewww! Don’t know what I ever saw in him!!! Not attracted to him in any way, physically, emotionally or otherwise! Good riddance loser !

    • I come here to get a reality check too… And I definitely lean much more towards sad than angry. In fact, it took me about 3 weeks after dday before any anger hit at all.

      • Northern lights, it took me almost a year to get angry, and once I did… Look out, it was bad! The anger is good though cause it means you’re taking the blinders off and then can see the abuse and blatant disrespect . I still have some anger but it’s more like disgust now and it’s on it’s way out and most days I have an acceptance of the situation and gratitude to the universe for getting me out of that. The whole experience is an eye opener. Just think, you get a second chance which a lot of people don’t get, to find the real thing! Hugs

        • Thanks, Moving on @51. It’s good to hear your timeline regarding the anger. People (who have not been through this) seemed very surprised I was not angrier. But I just loved him so much, all I could feel was complete devastation. Chump Lady keeps me healthy in my perspective though, and I make sure I come here as close to daily as possible to hear the truth and keep my head on straight. The straight talk (and cursing) cut through the confusion and the truth began to become clearer. Trust that they suck, for example.

          Moving on @51, you’re right: Dday revealed my ex’s real character. And I get the chance (hopefully) to one day find someone who loves me deeply, respects me and values me… I hope we all find that one day…

          • Northern Light… I’m not sure I ever got to the angry stage… not properly. Like you, all I felt was this utter desolation… I guess the nearest I’ve ever got is a kind of mega pissed-off. That said, my overwhelming feeling is one of huge disappointment… that he just wasn’t good enough.

            And there’s still time to find better 🙂

  • Meh, I’m not bothered by the swearing. I swear myself. I love this blog and I”m offended by cheaters and not the folks that swear to deal with the pain and express the anger of infidelity.

    Welcome back Chump Lady! Chris was great.

  • My friends and family (even my 75 year old aunt) all know my ex as ‘SFB’ – a name I bestowed upon him after DDay:

  • Marriage Builders likes to use “wayward” and the “fog.” My XH likes to say that he “lost his way.”

    • the only time I’d be willing to use the word “fog” would be to add to the description of when I was wandering around like a zombie after Dday having an existential crisis.

      • Definitely anotherErica! I was in a pretty huge fog, the ex not so much. I was the one not thinking straight and not knowing what to do next. I wish the chumplady was around back then because maybe I would’ve found my way out of the fog quicker!

      • I never did read any reconciliation sites, so I didn’t know fog was a term they used for the cheaters. My ex was so sure about his decision that there was no point in reading a reconciliation site. He was certainly not acting like he was in a fog.

        I, however, like anotherErica, was in a fog for weeks (months?) after dday…

    • Mine said it was the most rational decision he’d ever made.

      Nice to know he didn’t put my feelings first.

    • I would definitely say I was in a fog for a long time after dday. Just could not see my way through the fear, the pain, the anger, the confusion, the humiliation and the sheer, utter terror of what would come next. My ex, however, never felt a second of fog or confusion, because he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time, and simply did not give a fuck.

      • The only time I can remember using the term “fog” was just after I found out about the cheating. And I too, kept chanting “what the fuck is happening…what the fuck is happening.” I felt like I was moving in a fog like dream.
        That this shit wasn’t happening to me.

        It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life (and I haven’t had a dull life)
        It wasn’t till I started reading CL last year that I was able to grasp that it wasn’t ME but my STUPID exh who made choices that put myself and my lovely girls in a vulnerable position.
        Cheating is not okay it’s abuse, in fact it should be a crime.

        And I am not a woman to swear much even while my career is knee deep in awful crappy situations that humans can find themselves in. IMO there comes a time when fuck, shit, crap, whore, bastard etc puts our story into perspective. Gives us (chumpy me) some measure of control as this shit was not what we planned/wanted.

        I believe we all post at CL to be heard, listened and comforted by chumps who GET what it feels like/ what we are feeling. It’s support that’s real. No-one can really understand unless you have walked in similar shoes. If that means some chumps swear cuss or whatever that’s okay with me.
        It’s real. We are real.


        • So true Bellzero. I remember that horrible dream-state when I couldn’t believe any of it was real, couldn’t believe my husband of 25 years was actually the monster behind the mask….sometimes I still shake my head in wonder.

          I too did not begin to heal till I found CL. The swearing, the anger, it is cleansing and empowering all at once. I had been trying to “forgive,” “be friends,” “not wallow,” and “move on and not judge.” Then I found Chump Nation. So fuck that shit!

          • It seemed like a dream for a long time. I remember walking through the supermarket in a daze, wondering WTF happened, and how could any of this be true. Absolutely horrible. I look back now, and it seems like some sort of faded nightmare, it’s hard to remember the absolute terror and pain of those days. It’s almost hard to believe that was ME, it seems like someone else’s life that maybe I heard about or read about.

            Life truly goes on and gets better. I am so relieved to be over all that bullshit. I definitely have scars, but the nightmare is over. Those of you who are new to chumpdom, hang in there. This too shall pass, no matter how hard that is to believe right now.

          • Thanks Kelly, stupid exH asked “we can still be friends!”
            fUCK OFF I said, friends don’t hurt each other.

            I wished I had said “fuckity fuck off” instead.
            We are real.

  • Fuckin’ A, Chump Lady, Fuckin’ A! (as we say up here).
    See also: Wicked pissah, although that is a term of approval, so…..

  • “Rent-a-spleen” – I love it!

    Welcome back, Chump Lady! (And thanks for your service, Chris! Hope you’ll continue to guest.)

  • I do a fair amount of cussing IRL, although I don’t go crazy with the salty talk. But here, the cussing is natural and appropriate, IMHO. Strong emotions require strong language. What happened to us chumps was FUCKED UP, there is just no other way to say it.

  • Running on treadmill in gym and spontaneous fucks, fucktard, c…nt while music blaring from my headphones as my Chump Tourette’s kicks in. … Awesome therapy but must admit I notice fewer and fewer people using the treadmills on either side of me 🙂

    • WhereisMia, I’ve noticed the same is happening to me. No one wants to do the elliptical next to me. LOL What was it that someone said in yesterday’s post? Something about the vibrational energy? Well, I guess I need to be calibrated into having a more harmonious one….?

      Chump Lady, I hope we can see the Drill Sergeant cartoon that David suggested… 😀

  • YeeHA, Chump Lady! This installment was FUCKING DEAD ON. You saved me from drowning in a sea of self-worthlessness. I’m a good person, and I deserve so much more than to be married to a cheating, stealing, loser of an excuse for a man.

  • Welcome Back CL! I love New York, but I haven’t been in years! You make me want to make that trip. Chris was “doing what he do” while you were gone and he did it well.

    I swear and use cuss words because I am good at it. I learned from my mother who could have taught a class. I’ve been told no one says “motherfucker” quite like I do. I take a certain amount of pride in it. I learned it from my mother. It may be genetic. My family, particularly my children, know me as the grammar police. I am not one dimensional. Cussing is only one of many services which I provide.

    Cuss on CL, cuss on! I would still be curled in a fetal position if you did not cuss and I did not cuss. How else to articulate something as vivid as the pain experienced after something as traumatic as the betrayal of infidelity? For some reason saying “Oh! Fiddle-Dee-Dee!” just doesn’t express feelings and emotions in quite the same way as “What The Fuckity-Fuck?!”

    I believe even my STBX would prefer me to call him “A Shitty, Douchefaced, Disordered Motherfuckering Asshole Shat Out By Satan and Hid Under a Fucking Rock from Which he Eventually Slithered,” as opposed to being the newest story on Snapped or Discovery ID. The pain of infidelity is powerful, vivid and real and cussing is the oral expression of what can sometimes best illustrate that pain.

    I was on other websites where the terms “Wayward,” “Betrayed Spouse,” etc., were constantly being used and I remained stuck and in pain. I found my way to CL and it was like being Faye Dunaway being slapped by Jack Nicholson in Chinatown. Tracy called an asshole an asshole, a motherfucker a motherfucker and a piece of shit a piece of shit and I began to heal.

    Thank you CL and all my fellow Cusstefarians! Fuck Yeah!

    • I will admit that Tracey took me to a whole new level when she blogged Fuckity-Fuck. Now, instead of saying “what the fuck” I tend to say “what the fuckity-fuck” – the difference between those two phrases is huge, when I use the latter I laugh at myself. Then I remind myself NOT to say that to my boss..hehee

        • it just occurred to me that fuckity is not in the dictionary, I’m going to do all in my power to get it approved and attributed to Tracey, 🙂

          • I hate Hugh Grant and all he stands for (or lies for), but I did like “fuck-a-doodle-doo”…

    • “A Shitty, Douchefaced, Disordered Motherfuckering Asshole Shat Out By Satan and Hid Under a Fucking Rock from Which he Eventually Slithered,”

      Oh hahahaha!

      • OMG!!!! THAT”S HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!

        (I had never heard fucktard before I got here. And frankly, I still don’t give a shit that it’s a derivative of fucking retard. I grew up and have worked with people with developmental delays and challenges–I have nothing but love and respect for them. They will never be a “retard” in my eyes. They are so much more precious and valuable human beings than the fucktard narcissists who screw up lives).

  • From my favorite episode of Spongebob, “Sailor Mouth”:

    SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Patrick, do you know what this word means?

    Patrick: Krabs… Uh, isn’t that the red sweaty guy you work for?

    SpongeBob: No, not that word, THAT word.

    Patrick: (Scratches neck) (Dolphin chirp). Uh, hey! I think I know what that means. That’s one of those sentence enhancers.

    SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?

    Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You’ve got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!

    SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Here, let me try.(coughs)(fancy tone) Hello, Patrick. Lovely (Dolphin chirp) day it is, isn’t it?

    For those who doubt the value of language of that ilk, I invite you to look up a few of them in the Oxford English Dictionary. These “sentence enhancing” terms have a long, venerable history. Yes, I can talk fancy. I also know how to (dolphin chirp) swear, thank you 🙂

    • Check out the show “The Wire”; it comes from a scene in the first season.

  • I’m sure someone else has mentioned it, but there are fMRI studies showing that when one is in physical pain, swearing actually reduces the pain one feels. I’m sure it’s the same for emotional pain. Swear on!!! I know I did a lot of it when I was healing; now it’s not needed. Yay for progress!

  • Piss on ’em! If they can’t take the heat, they need to keep the hell outta YOUR damn kitchen, Chump Lady! YOUR house, YOUR rules.. end of story. Fuck ’em!

    And, as for my ex, and anybody else who EVER thinks it might be an OK idea to cheat on me – Fuck You in the asshole, twice! BTW- he didn’t like it so very much when I said that to him, but it felt good to say it.

  • Oh my, I have really enjoyed reading all these comments, and have laughed at loud at many of them. Going to sleep with the words “fuckity-fuck” in my head…… Thank you Chump Nation, we fucking rock!

  • T-shirt request. “Chump Nation.” Drawings of all of us or about seven. 🙂 Just make one a beautiful hippie brunette. And in smaller letters, “fuck infidelity”! To honor us all.

    • I would wear that. Especially when I take my daughter to the netball games where all the other parents thought they knew my fucking business and nurtured him during the OW difficult pregnancy, infront of my 11 year old.

      • Yeah, I wouldn’t. I’m AR about wearing swearwords in public where children can read it…but that’s me and I’m not saying it to be superior.

  • Chump Lady is right, it IS partly the language used that helps us Chumps, and the other part is the tough “wake up” love. Someone who tells us to listen to our gut instead of other people who want you to maintain the status quo, stay to keep the family together, blah, blah, blah. If you can’t trust someone anymore, what is left? Seriously? But we want it to be fixable & try to pin our hopes on it. CL is “Scaring Us Straight!” It isn’t easy pounding sense into Chumps, we are people who project our goodness into others & have a hard time believing it all.
    On using language to minimize…….our government is good at this, selecting a name or acronym for something unpalatable or unacceptable & giving it a new framing. If the frame is pretty enough, the picture doesn’t look so bad!
    I loved this post! Thank you!

  • The first time my son heard me swear and use the dreaded “F” word was when I was kicking my cheating husband to the curb. I couldn’t stop the invective. I also have no shame/guilt as my cheating loser was/is the mother-fucker that tore apart a family. My son learned that cheating is a deal-breaker through my reaction and my unfortunate (but at-the-time natural language–I could not stop myself) use of swear words I would normally never utter………Fuck the euphemisms. This shit sucks.
    I ONLY swear when I talk about THIS experience….go figure?

  • We all have our gifts. Some work in oils, some in pastels, some in marble. I curse. And some people, like my asswipe ex and the whore he rode in on, inspire me to new levels. Fuck…at the rate they’re going I’ll be Michelangelo by November!

  • I have no issue with the swearing in the blog. It is perfectly appropriate when we are dealing with bastards such as these. I refuse to call my stbx by his name. I call him LCB for lying cheating bastard. And yes, I use(d) a ton of invectives in dealing with him. Why not? Those words are as ugly as what he did. Why dress it up in civility? I also agree on the use of wayward. What a beautiful word for such an ugly action! Cheating, fucking around etc name the behavior.

    But (and I know I am in a minority here) I hate the word chump. Yes, I will get over it as I do love the blog. The definition of chump is fool or easily deceived. I am neither. I was naïve, for sure. But I am not a fool. A chump would have stayed with her lying cheating bastard of a mate. I acted decisively when faced with his betrayal (yeah, I don’t mind that word). I was a victim, but I didn’t enter victim mode and I do not let his fuckaround behavior define me. Anyway, I am still looking for that perfect word!

    • Jan: “But (and I know I am in a minority here) I hate the word chump… The definition of chump is fool or easily deceived. I am neither. I was naïve, for sure. But I am not a fool. … I acted decisively when faced with his betrayal (yeah, I don’t mind that word). I was a victim, but I didn’t enter victim mode…”

      Well said!!
      (Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.)

    • I agree. I always thought of a ” chump” as someone who sort of asked to. E taken advantage of.

  • Hi Chump Lady
    No it wasn’t ‘your’ swearing -you’re pieces are witty snide and brilliant- punctuated by the odd rude word.

    Its the swearing from some commenters.

    A few on here are offended by profanity … one person expressed discomfort.
    Her stated opinion was resented as it was seen as an admonishment she was (for want of a better word) bullied.

    I think its great to to have contentious banter – Im in no way advocating for a boring English ‘little finger in the air’ civility but there is a definite difference between passionate forthright engagement and verbal abuse.


    • Really?

      So, why can’t you just read CL’s blog without reading the comments if they offend you?
      Or mentally substitute the word “lavender” or “green beans” when you encounter a word that’s unpalatable to you?

      There have been clear, logical, explanations to you as to why the responses to Meowmix were different to Muriel’s, so I’m not going there with you. PETA already has their knickers in a twist about our abuse to unicorns, I don’t add dead horses to the list.

      • Well Chump in the Sand, Janey is of the variety that the videoso clearly described, those who are “shocked on behalf of other people”. Gives them the feeling of being the white knight, don’t you know?

        • Sad, because one has options of dealing with the shock without trying to control others or become a self-appointed moderator. Truly, if I were to make myself out to clean up the web, I would focus on things like keeping porn out of the hands of minors, or hunt down pedophile predators….

          I believe all that can said on the topic has been…I believe I have no other option than to say this:


    • I agree. She was bullied.

      You can disagree with what someone says. But you don’t have to TRASH them.

  • Marriage Builders also likes to call the cheater an “addict,” i.e., he is acting in the same way a drug addict would (would do anything for a “fix”) and, once he gives up his addiction (i.e., his affair ends), then maybe he will start acting like his normal, caring self and there will be a chance for reconciliation.

    • Out of curiosity, are you still on Marriage Builders? Is there anything positive on their site? Have you found any good ones?

      I’ve been looking at a whackload of reconciliation forums, and my humble opinion is:
      a) the paid forums are looking at ways to make money on vulnerable people,
      b) some unpaid ones still want you to buy their snake oil (similar to a),
      c) are outdated
      d) have the lame Christianese where every question is answered by a Bible quote,
      e) are frequented by people with victim mentalities.

      I’m honestly embarrassed to out myself as a Christian on the net when I see such shitty websites by Christians.

      • I haven’t been to Marriage Builder’s site for awhile, but, I have to say, I think there are a lot of positive things on their site (accessible for free). MB advocates doing the pick-me dance (called Plan A) for only 3 weeks for women (up to 6 months for men), because they acknowledge that doing the pick-me dance is not good for your physical or emotional health and can lead to PTSD and health problems like autoimmune disorders. If Plan A doesn’t work (it seldom does), MB advocates Plan B, which is essentially NC and moving on with your life. You don’t come out of Plan B unless the cheater shows through his actions, called “extraordinary precautions,” that he is willing to restore the trust (e.g., write an NC letter to the OW, give email passwords to the chump). I think if there’s any chance of reconciliation, it’s probably through a program like MB’s. MB claims to have helped thousands of marriages successfully recover from infidelity, but there seem to be a lot of false reconciliations as well.

        Although MB acknowledges that the actions of the cheater are horribly painful and dishonest and compares the pain to the chump to that of being raped, MB attributes the bad actions of the cheater to some temporary “fog” due to the drug of the affair, not to a permanent character disorder.

  • Hi Chump in the Sand; I have read just about everything before I found you good folks and CL, for a few years I regret to say. I found there were good intentioned people who may actually be trying to help out there, Christian & otherwise, and maybe there are people who can be OK with cheating…..but I believe for many people there are too many red flags, too much distrust, too many lies, and just too much baggage to get over for most to stomach. Especially those who just cannot build a relationship on quicksand & feel OK about it. CL finally supports that no, we are not unforgiving, unmodern or hung up, we just aren’t OK with cheating! Some people can really push down their concerns & compartmentalize (like a cheater) . I found Marriage Builders to not be helpful either This is why CL is for us, the other stuff does not ring true.

  • Chumplady: the kerfuffle wasn’t about your potty mouth. The kerfuffle was about Chris’ potty mouth – which he appeared to take note of and wrote beautifully after that. His reply to OW was brilliant.

    You write so well. Your swearing is poetry.

  • The problem is….on any forum or blog there is such a wide continuum.

    At one end you have chumps proper the Beverly Engel, Stop Being a Nice Girl and Stand Up For Yourself types the tongue biters who stifle their discomfort and then at the other end are the HCP’s who have been in a disappointing relationship with a narcissist cheater but don’t really take much responsibility for or understand their own pathological tendencies tending to use hostile swearing routinely chronically and routinely -the type you might see on Jerry Springer.

    Granted I had somewhat of a cheek complaining about the “morning shit”
    (the mental image of that made me feel physically sick) and I could have possibly sounded superior/ overly demanding but being ordered to move on to another forum, fuck off, just let it go! etc was abusive.

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