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Chump-to-Chump Get Togethers, Anyone?

Hi guys,

If you haven’t been to the forums, a number of folks in Chump Nation have started chump meet-ups. If you’d like to join, please sign up and join the ranks. How it generally works is someone starts a group and gives the group an email, or yahoo group to join. And then you get in touch with each other about setting something up.

The chump groups I’m aware of right now are:

  • New York City hosted by Rebecca at chumpsNYC@gmail.com
  • Washington D.C. area, lead by Datdamnwuf, as a Yahoo group, more information here.
  • And I believe Rumblekitty is interested in starting one in Chicago. See her thread on the forum here.

If I’ve missed anyone, please post your info in a comment, so we can get the word out. If you’re unaware of the forum feature, it’s right here on the left sidebar under the search bar — says Log into Forums and then Chump Chat. You need to register to use the site. No biggie. (The links above will not work unless you are registered and logged into the forum.)

Once that’s done, and we have a pretty good idea of what’s what, I’ll make a sidebar box with all this info linked to a permanent page on the blog. Meet a Fellow Chump here! kinda thing.

If you want to remain anonymous, that’s totally cool. It’s one thing to spill your chump guts online among the comfort of strangers. It’s another to have an awkward coffee with someone who knows, that yes, OMG, your ex had a $20K hooker habit.

But I will say this, it is wonderful to meet people IRL who Get It. Who have been through the same shit and you don’t have to explain yourself, because they’ve lived it. And you can joke about it, or use your potty mouth, and no one is going to wonder why you’re not Over It. Chumps tend to be a pretty kind and wonderful bunch (narcs screen for that).

My lawyer husband reminds me to put forth a legal disclaimer that I am not sponsoring such meet-ups, just allowing my site to let you organize amongst yourselves. Please use the same sorts of cautions you would meeting any stranger online. I’m not responsible if one of you turns out to be an axe-wielding monster, or a cheater, or a rambling incoherent bore who only wants to drone on about soil science.

That said, if any of you would like to meet me, I’m going to be at a DC meet-up on Sunday afternoon, May 4. The details of which are being worked out at the yahoo group listed above. Will post more info there once we’ve agreed on a place. This is a chance for you to meet me and say “Gee, is that your real hair?” or “I notice you don’t proofread your articles as carefully as you should. I was distressed to read several dangling modifiers.” or “Where’s your husband?” (At home in Texas, kindly watching the teenager and the dogs while I visit a friend who’s about to be posted overseas.)

So Chumps of the World Unite! Tell me where you are and let’s make a new feature here on this blog. Thanks!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “………or a rambling incoherent bore who only wants to drone on about soil science.”

    Hey, CL, that is WAAAAYYYYY better than a sleazy, skank whore who drones on about their latest married-person conquest!! And I do not think you could ever be a bore! Silly you!!

    Besides, I do believe a great many of us Chumps really are into the truly important stuff like soil science and composting and compassion and love and empathy and caring for our ‘nest’ (planet earth) and recycling and so on and so on…….Life will cease (LITERALLY!)without attention to these more important things!!!

    Forge on, ‘Soil Lady’, ForgeOn!

    PS: CL, so glad you will be in DC for meet-up! I lived near DC for most of my school years (many field trips to points of interest there—–awesome!)……I would love to attend, but too far for me. I do hope I can meet up with you in TX sometime. I have family in TX & I hope to be there in middle or late June. This new feature you are working on is so apropo. Thanks for doing it!

  • Just signed up. What the hell, right?
    Looks like the forum isn’t active…most things are a year old.

    I joined a FB group and had to quit it. Found my posts were being shared w/ all of my friends. FUN!
    Yes, I tried adjusting my privacy settings. Nothing changed for that one page.
    Oh well.

    Damn I wish I wasn’t a chump… 🙂

  • Lily Bart, I’m game too for a Boston-area meet up. Datdumwuf set up an East Coast Chumps group. I just signed up. This is fun!

    • Is Datdumwuf’s group in D.C.? That’s a bit further than I could make, I think, though I’ve always wanted to visit. 🙂

  • Oh to be in DC in May, to meet incredible people and get the chance to thank you Tracy, in person…the most life changing blogger out there!! I so wish I could head to the Capitol to get acquainted with the REAL movers & shakers…Chumps rock! Hoping you’ll memorialize the moment with a cartoon!!!

    Maybe someday you’ll be in NorCal, say wine country-ish?? There HAS to be a bunch of us Chumps in the greater San Francisco Bay Area.

      • Salt Lake City is about 2 1/2 hrs. away. Much closer than those places in the east. To fly out of Pocatello,idaho the connections are Salt lake or Boise so I get there once in a while. If we get enough people we can find a meeting place. Thanks for responding.

      • Gio. Thanks for your answer. I’ve Been to Coeure d’Alene and Sand Pointe. Very beautiful country. Maybe if we keep posting we’ll find some other chumps hidden in the mountains.

  • Gee, I didn’t even know there were forums! I’m so glad. Anybody in the Pacific Northwest? I’m in Vancouver, BC.

    • Dear F.M.T,

      No, do not live near you, but I would love to visit there again!

      Used to visit family that lived in Kitsap County WA. I was a child & teen for those visits and we went camping, biking, to Mt Rainier & so on & so on. Also visited Vancouver when I was a child. Do not remember much, but just enough to know I would love to go again! (Was really amazing I was actually able to visit those places, as where we lived when I was growing up was clear across the country, near D.C.!)

      I love the amazing beauty of the Pacific Northwest!

      I actually traveled with my family (parents & brothers) quite a bit in the US (never made it overseas) until I married chearterpants. As is so common with NPD, they slowly isolate you, never want to take you anywhere and they take so much energy out of you, you do not have the strength to make travel plans of your own.

      Anyway………am rambling on……

      Hope you find some local Chumps to have a meet-up, FMT…….

      Forge on, Precious Ones……

      • Hey, Gio! I’d be totally willing to head down your way if you were up for meeting? Seattle, Bellingham, whatever.

        Chump Lady, is there a way to share our email or contact information privately?

        • I’d say do it on the forums, or in the safety of a Yahoo group. Or create an email address (that forwards to your regular address) just for chump meet ups.

          If you post it here as a comment, you run the risk of getting email from spambots or anyone else you might not want to get email from.

          • Thanks for the heads-up, CL, and thanks ForgeOn! for your wonderful comments. It *is* an amazing part of the planet–I’m originally from Detroit, but been here for 15 years. If anybody is in the vicinity, I’d be really grateful to connect IRL. Any other Seattle/Bellingham/Victoria chumps who want to see if we can get a group going?

    • I am in Victoria, BC. I will be going to Vancouver about once a month from now on, so would love to get together for coffee or a glass of wine.

      • Yes, that’s great!!!! I would be happy to be involved in starting up a group on Vancouver Island or in Vancouver.
        Also more than willing to travel to Seattle – never been on the Clipper to Seattle – would be a lovely get-away to meet up with fellow-chumps.

        • Hi Dani and Lynn,

          That’s great! Later tonight I’ll see if I can put up a feeder email on the forums, and then we can start connecting. Lynn, next time you’re in Vancouver, I’d love to meet you for a glass of wine. Maybe we can also figure out how to get a group going. I agree, getting away to Seattle would be great, and I’ve never taken the train down either. It would be really fun!

          • FMT – Yay!!! Let’s do it. Wine is lovely……..
            Dani – This is totally do-able ! I am so excited!
            I have just created a gmail account.
            I will post it on the forum – contact me there. I will check on the forum for your feeder e-mail if I don’t get to mine in time.
            Thanks CL – this is great!

            • Please note the first gmail address I posted was incorrect.
              I reposted the correct address. I think.
              Sigh…….

              • Lynn, I can’t get to the forum from my phone so I’m going to answer you here: I almost wrote last night that I keep thinking I’m going to walk in the room trailing toilet paper from my shoe or something. What a brilliant idea to imagine him (I should say remember him) at his most bloated alcoholic self, belching and farting his way past me. And I’ll give him some rosacea cause when he drank a lot–pretty much always-his face got blotchy and he was obsessed with his own reflection. And I’ll add toilet paper and boogers. God, what if he looks good. The fucker looks good, like Dorian Gray I swear. Somewhere a portrait of him is rotting and aging. Thank you Lynn!!

  • Thanks for posting CL! The yahoo East Coast Chumps group was meant for those of us in the DC/VA/MD area, I just got carried away when I named it :). That said, anyone is welcome to join if you want a more private place to organize meetups in other east coast locations. I have to approve membership, bear with me if I don’t see your request right away. And my disclaimer, that membership approval is not based on a background check, I do not know who anyone is IRL yet.

    • Hi Nat, I’m in Orlando too. Was reading through this thread hoping there were others. Let’s see if we can get a group going. This sounds like a great idea!

  • Thank you for posting the gmail address I set-up just for this purpose – chumpsNYC@gmail.com. It is a safe place for help.
    Chumplady – what we REALLY need is a Texas weekend when anyone can fly, drive or crawl in. Just a clean motel/hotel where chumps can make their own reservations and arrangements.
    Perhaps a big Chump picnic or BBQ?
    Chump Nation 1st Annual Convention?
    I think it’s time.

            • Sort of. I had to leave our marital home in Madison to escape my drunk, scary XH. After I spent a month with my parents, I moved out to an apartment west of Madison because that is the only place that was cheap enough, and allowed my two big dogs. Then I got my nursing degree, and had to move away to get my dream job. The job is fantastic, but I am a bit lonely out here.

              Wow, Madison. If you are a part of a certain Madison-ish community, you may know my XH. It is his explicit goal to become a local celebrity!

              • I suppose if his goal is celebrity he’s giving off the sparkly vibes us chumps are learning to recognize 🙂 Wonder if I know of him. I lead a pretty quiet life with my daughter, near east side. Western WI is so beautiful, love that area. Hope it won’t be long before you feel more at home.

              • Hoodwinked, Near east side is the scene I am speaking of. He is king of the co-op! Green, sustainable, and all of that. Be on the look out for a once-handsome 40-something guy with a beard and expensive technical outerwear. Wait, that is everyone on that side of town! Tee hee ;o) I guarantee that you and I have people in common. My best girlfriend lived on Jenifer, until she moved to LA. XH and I were on the other side of Lake Monona.

                (Maybe I am sharing too many details…?)

            • “a once-handsome 40-something guy with a beard and expensive technical outerwear. Wait, that is everyone on that side of town!” LOL

              Interesting, river. I think people can talk more privately on the forums too. I registered earlier today. I have a lot of years on you and your x (if you are similarly aged) but I’m sure we would have common focal points of life in Madtown.

    • river,

      I am in the Midwest—–KC Metro area. And I can assure you, there are plenty of us Chumps here! Just not all are part of ChumpNation. (Silly them!)

      Am hoping to have time later to log on to the forums & see what the prospects are of a Midwest meet up.
      Have not done so yet.

      Forge on, river……..

        • Oh, My! How awesome!

          I will get to the forums as soon as I get a chance & let’s see what we can line up!

          Later…….

          Forge on!!!!

        • I am in the Overland Park area and would very much appreciate meeting others who have been through a similar experience!

          • Hey Lola12 & other KC Area chumps! So far, it looks like four of us wish to meet.

            Is a busy time for me right now, but would love to meet all of you at some point!

            The forums are where the meet-up groups are making arrangements.
            Honestly, making ‘arrangements’ of any sort has never been my strong suit! If any of you other KC area chumps are good in that area, you would be more likely to get something up on the forum sooner than I am!

            Let’s just keep working at it…….

            Will check in later……..

            Forge on!…….

  • I can’t get into the forum link but I saw that Sara, Arne a few others are in SoCal. Glad that I’m not alone!!!!!! I’ll keep trying to access the forum

    • Current Chump–all you have to do is sign in with your name and password; if you’re not a member yet just pick a password and come on board. If you go to CL’s home page you’ll see a forum link—we’re waiting for you!

    • I think I mis-directed you– I think you have to start step one by joining the forum itself, the rest will (?) be easy. If I got there you can too, trust me.

  • Thanks miss sunshine-I needed that tonight. Angry turd was out in force & I’ve been pretty upset

  • Hey everyone don’t forget us Aussies all the way down under. Damn too much sea between me and all of you guys.
    CL maybe you could do a conference on chumpies down under in Australia. Lol like Oprah! Maybe select 250 of your most chumpiest chumps and fly them free and share with us Aussies.
    Bellzero

  • Sounds like a great idea to me. Between working full time and with three kids under 4, it’s a small victory when I get to go the grocery store by myself! lol I’m with you all in spirit.

  • DESPERATELY SEEKING MEH!
    Hi chumps, I have to see the soon ex in a small, hideously fleurescent lit room with both of our lawyers on Thursday. I keep thinking about success being the best revenge, then obsessing over how bad I look and feel. This was his specialty; I never felt attractive enough even when I looked okay and felt much healthier. He didn’t even try to be discreet about visually raping every hot young thing that walked by us. The guy is trying to ruin my life, legally, financially, morally, emotionally, all of those ways. It’s like the only shred I have to hang onto; maybe if I appear attractive to him (wtf?!)–even though he hates me– he would be attracted, and not even have to equate it with me. Like a dog. But I’d have some kind of…mojo. I am physically sick, I’m not supposed to look stupendous but my anxiety is amping this up. I can’t get to the market, let alone get a manicure or go clothes shopping by Thursday. I would love to be at ‘meh.’ Does anyone have any ideas, any words, anything at all that might help even the slightest bit getting a person to ‘meh?’ I long for meh. I want my meh meh.

    • just had to reply even if wrong spot for this; you didn’t feel attractive enough because he made you play the pick-me dance by his behavior, so try to stop caring about what the asshole thinks about how you look. It doesn’t matter right now. Right now think about you and how you and your lawyer can get the best for you that you can on Thursday. Meh will not be possible yet. It will come later. Right now you are in the fight, so fight hard and good luck! keep your focus on you. And so what if he sees you not your best at this time. he’s put you through hell so let it show.

      • Thanks HW, I know it sounds ludicrous. I’m thinking, What now? He (fill in the blank) and I want a manicure? My nails are cracked and split and ripping into everything I touch, it’s more that I want to feel good about myself. I don’t really give a crap about nail polish, I’ve just “let myself go.” To an extreme. And he’s just had to sit on his ass (and his money.) But I do still –for some really pointless reason-care about what he thinks of me. If I follow that train of thought it is maddening. Do you think he’s given one ounce of thought into how he looks to me? He did put me through hell, why not let it show. I have no choice!

        • “for some really pointless reason-care about what he thinks of me”
          totally understandable, found myself doing the same and feel it never works out that I look my best when I do have to see him. Makes sense now that I think of it since I’m not feeling my best if I have to see him. As time goes by I’m finding I don’t really care much. There’s no way I want him back. If or when there is someone new someday it will feel nice again to present myself as attractively as possible and I’ll be so much better at seeing if someone likes the real me. (Sorry, didn’t put two and two together that you are also dealing with illness when I first replied, makes everything so much harder.) I too was with someone who couldn’t seem to not obviously stare at women. I could’t understand how he could keep being so obvious about it knowing that it bothered me, let alone making me feel like I wasn’t who he really wanted. Well I do understand now-these are not normal empathic people.

          • Thank you HW. You reminded me of another trick: Even though I know I could never ever in my life be with this guy again, it feels momentarily comforting to posit that “maybe sometime in the future” it will be the right time. It’s not exactly a delusion, but gets me out of the craziness of feeling so abandoned and…hoodwinked. There is something so awful about that gawking. If he’d have said *with me, “wow, what a beautiful woman,” or not swiveled his head off each time it might not have been as bad. But denying it was crazy making and humiliating, gaslighting misery. Thank you so much!

    • Sara, I remember being in the place you are (sans cancer). I wanted to look so gorgeous at our divorce hearing. But as fate would have it, I had to leave immediately after it for class – a nursing school public health clinical. For my hearing, I was wearing my school’s public uniform, a cheap red polo shirt and poorly-fitting khaki pants from Goodwill. I looked like a middle school gym teacher who has given up on herself. Regardless, my XH cried, wanted to hug me and go for coffee with me. The point is, these people are not really seeing YOU. They see what they want to see. Even if you were looking your very best, your xH’s perception is totally clouded by his current mood and agenda.

      I am so sorry that you are going through the worst of this right now. I would not expect meh at this time. You are in the thick of it. Your instinct to take care of yourself is right on, but Thursday is just a tiny blip on the whole picture. You are a beautiful person. His perception of you no longer matters. He is corrupt. Please take care of yourself like you would any precious thing that needs care. Your beauty will shine through for all who admire strength and authentic humanity in the face of this crisis.

      I’ll be thinking of you this week.

      • river, that was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Your last sentence almost made me cry.

        Sara, I’ll be thinking of you, too. You can do this.

      • River you made me cry. I’m going to take your post with me Thursday and read it while I pretend to be busy. I feel exactly like you describe, cancer or no cancer. As soon as I wrote it, I realized you can’t force “meh.” I’m just going to have to be who I am right now and try to make it through, breathing. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I wish you were in So Cal (or that I was not.) {{{river}}}

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