Hi Chump Lady,
So I have dealt with this mess awhile as I have health issues and an idiot alcoholic. I am finally on Prozac, which I am angry about having to be on as I like to be real in my life, but anyway.
I wanted to give you a tidbit of stupidness that is still being said to me, it is like he never ever progressed, at all, it is like he is being taught what to say to me.
It started today when I had to call about money, and instead of being able to be rational (ok hit me I should just have filed, I get it, I see it now) anyway he is spewing, instead of talking about the bill.
1. I’m not going to do what you want…. to this I say, what the hell do I want you to do?
2. I’m not going to stop the affair. You aren’t going to get what you want.
I say we are going to have to file for bankruptcy … to which he says — I sent the money you will get it. (This is for our daughter in case she needs surgery.)
Then it turned very ugly. He threatened to take all the money and I said just file…
The fucking bastard, I contacted my daughters and told them he is filing.
That bitch OW who is 50 and never married, no kids is sitting like a spider, and she is just waiting.
And I was an army wife, which okay the army brainwashes the families to forget they matter too.
And what he said that really pisses me off, after all this he says:
“I won’t stop, it just happened, and I won’t stop, no you can’t make me!” I swear to God.
So pissed, I am so pissed. He has royally screwed up our finances is taking money. I have no money to file, the stupid OW thinks I am holding this up and shit for brains is just playing with all of our lives.
Our girls are in college, he has nothing I mean NOTHING to do with them while this has gone on ….
I should have filed the second I heard, but noooooo I found Marriage Advocates and thanks to their stupid ass advice on how I can save my marriage and he is wayward, this HAS GONE ON YEARS!
I FAILED my girls looking so stupid.
Hey, it’s never too late to divorce this jerk. He’s just telling the girls he’s filing. Has he actually DONE it? My guess is he is a triangulating asshole — hurts the girls to hurt you. He’s had nothing to do with them, but then calls them out of the blue to say he’s divorcing you? What a delightful person. Why can’t you just gift wrap him and send him to the OW immediately?
And he’s an alcoholic with money troubles? Her bliss will be complete!
Tess, you need to get scrappy and get a lawyer. Your husband is financially abusing you, and you need a lawyer to protect yourself. A domestic abuse hotline might also help — he’s being verbally and financially abusive, plus you’ve got the drinking. He doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse. So start placing some calls and get yourself OUT of this mess!
I’m not a lawyer, but what I suspect would happen is your lawyer would file a temporary support order immediately, which will force your husband by court order to pay your expenses. After all, it isn’t HIS money — it’s both of yours by LAW. The lawyer could work on a contingency fee basis (which means they don’t get paid until you get paid), and you can pay them with the court-ordered money. A domestic abuse organization may be able to put you in touch with lawyers who work contingency.
You can also take a loan from family, sell some jewelry (wedding ring comes to mind), use a credit card — it’s time to get resourceful. You need to get OUT of this situation pronto. As I’ve said here before — your house is on fire. Don’t stand there smelling smoke, wondering what it all means — RUN OUT OF THE BURNING HOUSE!
This is a crisis. You need to act like you’re in crisis. If he doesn’t file, don’t go back to “normal” — which it appears is he eats cake, you go hat and hand to him for things, and he threatens you when you get uppity. NO. Start taking back your power. YOU set the tune. HE dances. He already filed? Great! You’re one step closer to divorce and he’s paying for it. His lawyer knows the law, he’s not going to let your husband deprive you of financial support to pay the bills. That’s one sane, professional person telling your husband sensible things.
Any monies your husband spent on the affair can be asked back for in a divorce. So start getting all your evidence and financial documents together and start placing some calls!
As to your husband and the “you’re not the boss of me!” bleating? It’s what these people DO. That’s the real him, Tess. THAT guy. He doesn’t think the rules conform to him. You can’t make him! He’s in it for himself. Stop arguing with him. You get a lawyer and you go no contact. That is how you deal with his shit.
Oh, and I’m glad you mentioned Marriage Advocates and those other Reconciliation Industrial Complex (RIC) quacks. The problem with their advice is those idiots want you to stand in the burning building. They refuse to acknowledge that infidelity is a crisis and you need to protect yourself. The cheater is the arsonist. Staying in a marriage when someone is actively abusing you — continuing to lie, cheat, steal — is arming you with a squirt gun and telling you to put out the fire yourself.
No, you run out of the burning building and you call the professionals to put it out. Call a lawyer, Tess. Do it today!