Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Stupidest Blameshifting You Got?

According to Andrew G. Marshall, some of the forces that compel cheaters to cheat are nagging and childrearing.

Yesterday, “blue” recounted that her husband told her he cheated on her because…. she didn’t shave her armpits.

God, are cheaters reduced to such thin soup as ARM PITS? Really? That’s the best blameshifting you got?

So tell me chumps, in a just a few sentences — the very best blameshift you received. The one that made you scratch your head and go, huh?

“I cheated on you because….”

You make coffee wrong.

You just didn’t need all of me, and it didn’t really take much time. (Would you begrudge someone a small hobby, Tracy?)

So chumps with hairy armpits, chumps with bad coffee, chumps with children — tell me — what’s the STUPIDEST reason you got for being chumped?

We might have to name this contest The Andrew G. Marshall Blameshifting Compendium.

Lay it on me.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • He said he didn’t want “all this” When pressed, all this included the pets, and the house (dogs and cats). So he chose a girlfriend with a dog? And, he decided he wanted to keep the house (fine by me).

    But seriously, he didn’t get away from “all this” now did he?

  • One of the reasons my ex-H cheated on me because I was “so tired”. How very dare I! A toddler (undiagnosed autistic), a baby, a part-time job, on my own 5 days a week and he comes home at the weekend having stayed in a 5 star hotel and had 5 unbroken nights of sleep to be disappointed/annoyed/disgusted by my tiredness and then use it as one of the reasons for having an affair.

  • When we were in Turkey 3 years ago on our 2nd honeymoon “YOU were sick all the time and we couldn’t have sex.” Only HE was sick all the time and I went to bed most nights crying. 🙁 oh and apparently he is getting remarried to his new baby momma on Monday so it really must be twu wuv…..he hasn’t had any contact with our kids so no one knew. Um….

    • Oh and ” when we first met I thought we had the same morals and values”. Sorry I disappointed you by not sinking to your level Fuckup!

      • Oh and our crap sex life was all my fault because he was always brought up to not believe in sex before marriage, even after 18 years of marriage. I guess getting the 22 year old slut pregnant was ok because well, he was married! Albeit to me, but he WAS married!!!!!!

        • Sorry you had to get smacked in the face with the cheater’s second try at marriage. That really sucks. Try to go do something special for you and your kids that day. Sending you Chump Love.
          And may their marital bed be forever filled with huge and hungry bedbugs!

      • Nat1, I always said that I couldn’t bring my ex husband up to my level, so he dragged me down to his!! Just before he pulled the plug, he looked in my direction but over my shoulder, so he wasn’t looking directly at me and said “not everyone has your standards you know”!! Apparently my standards were/are too high. That is what 1st attracted him to me besides my good looks (ha ha) and that is what apparently pushed him away. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

        • That’s what happened to me, Maree! My ex was attracted to me because I wasn’t like “other girls” (I’m educated, with a secure full-time ‘white collar’ job, and with enough money to live comfortably), but then he said he hated feeling like he was “inferior” (he made half I did when he WASN’T “between jobs”, never finished college even though he kept saying he was going to go back, and basically a giant mooch).

          Keep in mind I never rubbed it in his face (I even stopped sharing the news with him whenever I got a bonus/raise after the first time), but he said his family and friends making comments about how I was “too good for him” (jokingly) made him lash out at ME. Oh, really, don’t try and improve yourself one bit, just bring your “trophy” girlfriend down to your level! FEH!

  • “You carry that dayplanner everywhere you go. You write everything down in it. If it is not written in that dayplanner, it doesn’t exist. Now, Lisa (a.k.a. OW), she wakes up in the morning. She thinks of the six things she needs to do. And she does them!”

    (Of course, I was working in an executive position running a national marketing department, setting him up in YET ANOTHER business, managing a toddler and a newborn, volunteering with church, managing our household including housework and personal finances. etc. Lisa, on the other hand, was a stay at home mom who lived with her mother.)

  • “You never want to go out (and get drunk) with me.”

    Gee, you think not? I was at home raising 2 preschoolers, while he was out at the bar and gambling.

    • Me too! I didn’t show sufficient interest in his hobby (ie., going to a local dive bar every night until closing).

    • Yep, effing Karaoke three times a week with the same people. And I don’t sing. After three years you get awfully tired of hearing the same songs. Good thing we’re not still together or I’d probably be stuck home with a newborn while he went out and had shots with “the group”. That shit is fine when you’re 23, but not in your forties. Grow the eff up! Or don’t get married and have kids because then you can’t hang out with your loser friends all of the time.

  • “I don’t respect you anymore” for being a stay-at-home mom.

    Okay, ouch that hurt, but fine, I can fix this. I got another high-paying job in my career, within months of his request. But he still couldn’t muster up any respect for me. I guess I could have guessed he had no respect because he was a serial cheater (in hindsight).

    • Ah, man, that’s hard to read. “I don’t respect you anymore” for being a SAHM. There’s just no way to win with that one. Their respect is a false contingency. Either you lose their respect because you’re “too focused on your career” or because being a SAHM doesn’t turn their crank anymore. Either way, you’re hooped.

      But good on you for getting your high-paying job, Ducks. Hope it made divorcing him a whole lot more expeditious!

    • Well, I got, “You’re too focused on your career. I want someone who is more domestic. My second wife will be a SAHM.”

  • “All I did was look for what I wasn’t getting at home” and “a husband should just know”…I suppose I’m supposed to be a psychic or have ESP or something. Fuck Her!

    • If you aren’t “psychic” (and nobody is), it’s proof you aren’t as “spiritual” as her (see my response below for explanation of that inside joke).

    • I am never sure how your spouse is supposed to “just know” what’ s going on unless you happen to say something like, “hey, honey, squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle just frosts me.” Okay, it’s silly, but it’s there. I squeeze the tube from the bottom. STBX just reaches and squeezes, which is weird since he’s so anal in the rest of his life. Still, we compromised. He gets his own tube, so I don’t have to deal. Also, I introduced him to the stand-up tube that always looks neat.

      So, a teensy bit of communication, an easy compromise and workaround.

      This is what grownups do. They talk. They work things out.

    • I got that too! Apparently I was supposed to KNOW that he was unhappy. I guess I should have realized that our conversation 4 weeks prior when I ASKED him if he was ok and he responded with “of course I am, why wouldn’t I be”, was a complete lie. Good luck to the new Owife…hope she can read his fucking mind!

      • I’m guessing many of us had similar situations. I asked ex if anything was wrong and nope, nothing, all good Nord. 6 weeks later and bam. Wish I hadn’t married a man child.

        • Yes, I asked my ex all the time to talk to me. He would say “men don’t think about emotional stuff.” The only thing he’d ever talk about was work or sports. When I got upset about his relationship with a coworker I went to counseling because I thought I had a jealousy problem, an insecurity issue. I managed to talk my ex into coming to two meetings which he barely participated in, but things seem to get better after that for a few years.

          When he told me he’d fallen out of love he said “We went to marriage counseling and it didn’t work.” Well, it didn’t work because only one of us was putting any effort into it!

          • Ugh, Lyn, so you go to marriage counseling because you think you are inappropriately jealous, only to find out later that you were right. And he says the marriage counseling didn’t “work?” Well of course it didn’t, unless they could have found a way to make a pathological liar (and a pretty cruel human being besides) tell the truth and grow a heart. Imagine knowingly putting your spouse through the humiliation and soul searching of believing they are insanely jealous, when in fact they were simply RIGHT. Will the mind fucks ever end???

      • Repeatedly asked if there was anything wrong. Nope. “I think we should get some counselling, something is off.” “Nah, don’t be silly, snooks, we’re fine.” So, I go to marriage counselling, alone, having no fucking idea why I am there. None, ‘cos I had no idea he was fucking my childhood friend, FOR FIFTEEN MONTHS, while she continued to pretend to be my friend.

        Best blameshifting (and to be fair – I know, I know! – he hasn’t used it as an “excuse” more an explanation of his brain explosion for fifteen months) was that when he moved me and our kids from our “life property” in less than five weeks, by buying a huge new farm, without having sold the original, his fourth generation family property we fought to afford and convince all that we desperately wanted and would cherish seventeen years earlier (financial stress, hell yeah) WITHOUT CONSULTING ME, I lay in bed with him the night we moved and suggested I move back TEMPORARILY to run the other property from there while I got my head around it all, but that I was definitely not leaving him, just trying to share homes until I got my head straight. He cried, the first time I ever saw him full on cry in over 20 years. So, I backtracked, and promised I would never leave, I was with him, whatever the circumstances. Apparently I emotionally abandoned him that night. Mmmmm, so it’s okay to fuck a diseased whore then. Of course! Why didn’t I KNOW this shit??? Of course putting his needs first meant I emotionally abandoned him. Lord, I must be some kind of special idiot not to understand that. So, never tell me you are pissed at me, not even when I dig for about a year about why things felt “off,” although the sex, and everything else was still great, just go fuck a whore, bring disease and a sociopath into our life, into my body, that’s a perfect solution. Problem solving at its best!

  • Are you ready for this?

    One of the reasons he cited for cheating is… I still can’t believe this came out of his mouth…

    I was too sad when Borders closed.

    Yes, I was sad when that bookstore closed, and I probably talked about it. This did not, however, involve crying, a period of mourning, obsessive discussions about it that went on for months, or any other type of extreme behavior. Aren’t you allowed to be a little bit bummed when a place you like closes? No? My bad. *eye roll*

    All of the other reasons were big cliches– not enough sex, not giving him enough attention, hitting middle age, not caring for the reality of what having children really is like, etc. Of course, he then marries his AP who is older than he is and has two children of her own, so I hope that he’s enjoying the reboot of the life that supposedly drove him to an affair in the first place.

    • That he went to a situation not any different from the one he had (but probably with a skank who doesn’t read) just shows how none of his reasons was really a reason; they were just justifications for his inability to live up to his commitments.

    • You were “too sad” when Borders closed?

      OMG, MovingOn, I just sat straight up in my chair and my mouth fell open. You win the contest, jeezus these guys are freaks.

    • ‘Yes, I was sad when that bookstore closed, and I probably talked about it. This did not, however, involve crying, a period of mourning, obsessive discussions about it that went on for months, or any other type of extreme behavior’.

      Lol Lol Snort! Snort! – what else can you do when faced with such idiocy – very funny MovingOn 😀

    • MovingOn,

      I laughed so hard when I read this I almost peed my pants!!!! I am an AVID (and when I say avid, I mean I never have less that two books at a time with me) reader and I, too, was sad when Borders closed. I’m sad when any bookstore closes. I don’t do the sackcloth and ashes, dress all in black or drape purple bunting, but I’m pretty fucking bummed.

      What would he have done if you had been really devastated about a loss, maybe of a loved one? Hosted an orgy, Caligula style? Fucked a donkey?

      You win, hands down!! Your Ex is a truly disordered POS – you are well rid of him.

      • “What would he have done if you had been really devastated about a loss, maybe of a loved one? Hosted an orgy, Caligula style? Fucked a donkey?”

        Princess, you’re the best I’m still laughing out loud….hard….

      • CP, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. She went into remission and returned to work right around the time that the A hit. When I told her what was going on and how my STBX was behaving, her comment was: “What would you have done if you had gotten cancer? He would NEVER have been there for you!”

        Yeah, the psycho Borders comment made that pretty evident!

  • I’ve covered this before, but here’s the top 4 list:

    1. Socks on bathroom floor
    2. Rolls eyes
    3. Not ‘spiritual’ enough
    4. Not a Ken doll (refused to let her pick out my clothes).

      • I bitched about ex leaving clothes all over the house (and I mean everywhere) for years. This was apparently a terrible, terrible thing that I would have liked him to put him clothes in the hamper/back in the drawer/thrown over a chair in the bedroom. I’m a horrible, nagging bitch.

        • now his OW can deal with his mess and picking up his dirty clothes off the floor. I wonder what she would say “oh ok sweetie, don’t worry about it” NOT! Everything he did to you, he will do it to her, now that’s the best revenge! 🙂

          • Oh yeah, I was evil because I complained when ex dropped trash on the kitchen floor or spilled shit and left it on the floor when I should have just cleaned it up because he just didn’t notice. poor thing

            • oh yeah, we all were evil, horrible nagging bitches! that’s why I say let their OW clean up after them, deal with all the bullshit they bring and lets see how much fun it is now and live in the real world. But now we don’t have to worry about cleaning after them and what they are doing with whom, they are someone else’s problem now and that itself is a blessing 🙂

        • Ugh, this brings back a memory, from the Pick Me era, when I used to sometimes tell X – Jeeze, why don’t you just leave me alone, move across the street, and she can have you!
          Know what he said? ‘I can’t picture her picking up my dirty socks.’

  • “You don’t give me the sex I want.”

    Narc translation: I want to shirk all child rearing and house-tending responsibility (even though you work full-time now, just like me) then go get drunk at the bar then come home at 3am and expect instant sex. What, you don’t feel like being woken up out of the rare bit of sleep you get while tending to a toddler and newborn? How come you’re not horny?!?

    • Well here’s the thing with that — you can’t be 77 flavors of different pussy.

      What cheaters want (what their actions tell us they want) is variety — and no one person can be variety. So they blame shift it to the nebulous — you don’t give me the sex I want (when I want, how I want).

      • THIS! Cheaters cheat because they can, they want to & feel entitled to it. And it is so easy especially for men with everything available on the internet right at their fingertips-especially when it is accessible on their smartphones………..as Tracy puts it, 77 flavors of pussy (and then some)

      • “— you don’t give me the sex I want (when I want, how I want).” Of course, what I want tomorrow, next week/month/year may be different and you should know that because if you loved me you would know.

        • TwinsDad, that game is rigged. Even if you did know she would still have cheated. It’s frustrating because in a relationship we’re so close to the other person we can’t see that there is no cause and effect. There is only the completely separate unrelated decision the cheater makes.

      • They also want that fresh, new pussy that isn’t readily available or oh-so-familiar. Sorry my friend, but I was dealing with the same penis all those years and didn’t complain.

        • I never thought of it that way Nord-even when he he had me on “penis- rations” over the years…….cuz you know he had to save his energy (any money) for the 19 year old Asian hookers

          • Hah! Penis Rations! I often felt that way too… even on my honeymoon! BIG RED FLAG!
            Current Chump, seems like we were the ones deprived of sex and should have been the ones cheating based on cheater blame-shifting 101.

            • Oh man SeeTheLight-I did get the same thing on my honeymoon too. He told me the sex filled honeymoons were for people who got married that hadn’t lived together before like we did………..Of course it was a HUGE RED FLAG THAT I MISSED cuz in was in Wuv with him. Blech! Little did I know he had a secret porn & hooker addiction. I’m convinced I was the chump he used to maintain a good family man/person image to the outside world to cover up what a disordered fucknut he really is

              • Oh! I win this! After a five year courtship and eighteen month engagement, my ex spent entire wedding night out gambling and partying with his bf (and mine!) while I stayed in our hotel room with our nine month old baby. What I should have done that day was leave. It was the biggest RED FLAG….Of course he did not understand why I was so disappointed by his selfish behavior. I don’t get how these people can live with themselves when they have wasted so much of our lives with lies. Oh his best lines on wanting a divorce, ” you know I just thought getting married was something I had to do” , even when he had plenty of opportunities to end our relationship as those first few years we were attending colleges a great distance from one another. “I stayed because of the kids” and “I have been unhappy our whole marriage.” One day he was there the next day planning a future with his new love. Although looking back there were a lot of signs he wasn’t who I thought he was. 🙁 One minute an involved father the next gone! He does show up at their graduations though. Him and ugly. Yes, one can not compete with 1 new pussy, let alone 77! Hey I am not against those who want that, just practice responsible sex and DON’T MARRY (which entertains the idea of monogamy over many many years!) When I began dating the dork my ex’s father once said, “A hard dick has no conscience,” maybe I should have asked him how that was relevant!

              • We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Come to think of it, my ex got exponentially weirder and more obnoxious the moment we got married. If he needed to act single and fuck everything that moved I honestly don’t understand what the hell possessed him to get married. I mean, I’m sure he could explain that one away, but to try for MONTHS for a baby while cheating….yeah, there’s no rationale that explains that one.

      • Exactly. He said those very words when I found out about strip clubs 9 months after affair dday. Except he “needs” variety and can’t understand how ppl don’t.

      • And the lack of reciprocity. Hey, if you want to wake me up out of a sound sleep for sex, you have to be okay for the times when I want to wake you up? You’re not? Well then!

  • “You breastfed the children and I felt excluded from the family.”

    “You are boring, our marriage is boring, we don’t have enough sex and I am entitled to my fun.”

    He worked away driving trucks for weeks at a time (often his choice to accept the work away from home) leaving me to raise the children, work the farm, administer his business and work part time outside the farm. He got to sleep with truck stop whores, drink with his mates, snort speed and live his dream of zero responsibility and drive big trucks and I was no fun to be around when he came home? Especially no fun after I found out about the third affair.
    Feeling excluded from the family relationship – maybe be home more often and when you are home, involve yourself in the family, take the kids to the park or just spend some time with them and you might actually be included. Ignore the kids, sleep on the couch all day, drink rum with your mates all night and talk/text on the phone for hours to your ‘customers’ (slutty married girlfriend) and you wont feel included in family life.

    • Gracie..Mine is a over the road truck driver as well. HIS choice to take a job that kept him away from his family, just like yours. I was home raising the children; handling the finances; working full time; holding down the fort. He’s galavanting around America, having the time of his life, and most likely screwing any lot lizard that knocked on his window. I am not sure how many long-term affairs he had..of course the 3 year one he’s in now; but I am pretty sure there was another long term affair right before this current one, because all of the same signs were there. Of course, the few times he came home he spent dozing on the couch, spending no time with me or the kids. Turns out he’d been spending the majority of his “home time” with the current whore and her family. MUCH more time with them then with ours. Best of all? His piece of shit truck driving friends knew all about the affair..and none of them cares one little bit. I was probably the running joke on the road.

  • “I’m 35 years old! I shouldn’t have to park on the street!”
    Yes, to XW, not having a driveway = license to fuck around.

    Maybe if she didn’t spend us into ruin we could’ve afforded a new house, but come on, that would’ve required a contribution on her part. Pfffffft. Not interested. Easier to just leave and find a new chump with deeper pockets.

    • I’ve not divorced mine yet, but this whole issue of spending is just nuts! If I made what STBX makes, I could afford to keep the house. Why STBX keeps running out of money, I’ll never know.

      Well, it could be that living a double life is expensive, but hey, other than that! 😛

      • Funny but since divesting myself of ex I make a hell of a lot less money but actually have enough. He was spending a lot of money on who knows what. Don’t care but it wasn’t me.

        • I’ve discovered this too. I was absolutely stunned to realize how far my paycheck went (I provide entirely for our kids) once the EX (and his paycheck) had left. I knew what some of his financial excesses were . . . now I know there must have been others I didn’t know about.

          • Ditto here, I now get to bank my bonuses and my tax refund. My ex used to have them spent three times over before I even got them. I am getting a barrage of debt collectors calling – thank god I kicked him out when I did and made sure all the credit cards were paid off and cancelled all the joint ones – my credit score is golden and his is crap now. “ex, no he doesn’t live here anymore, no I will not give him a message, I try very hard not talk to him.” My biggest fear is that he will end up mooching off the kids when they are older – he still is in deep denial. I also fear identity theft since he knows all my data etc.

            • Me too, my ex pays nothing, no child support, nada, and we used to “split” the bills for our house, etc. At least I thought we did. My ex was a financial advisor so invested and controlled our money and I obviously did not pay enough attention.

              Because it seems to last soooooo much longer now that he is gone and I am paying for the same house, all the same utilities, all of our kids’ cars, all the insurances, etc., by myself. What the hell was he doing with it? Some I can guess (a double life is expensive). And the rest? I’m sure I don’t want to know.

            • Well it stands to reason that cheaters probably have less impulse control. So that’s going to cross over to spending. And driving as far as I can tell. Mine was incapable of forgoing his habits and crap spending to save towards anything important.

      • kb-does he even know that you know about his affair? Kudos for keeping that crap under wraps for so long while collecting evidence. You have some incredible intestinal fortitude girl!

  • Reason for wanting out of marriage:
    I just want to be alone. Only to find out a couple weeks after I left that he was having an affair. Whats wrong with this picture……. he’s wants to be on his own alright……. with her.
    Real prise!!!!!

    • That’s a more typical dating break-up line.

      I just want to be alone… to pursue somebody else.
      I don’t think I am ready for a relationship… with you, but there’s somebody I have my eye on that might do.

      The great thing about going through a divorce is that you can look back at every dishonest line ever uttered by anybody you ever dated who dumped you and realize that they did you a favor because they spoke cheatereese.

  • I got the opposite. ” She never meant anything to me.” What the fuck??? He was willing to throw away our marriage and the love of his children for someone he dumped the minute she began to affect his image. What an asshole.

    Ironically, I was also told she “worshipped” him and that’s what he needed. Truer words were never spoken, but I have never been into hero worship. At that point in time it didn’t really matter what he said. His actions told me everything I needed to know,

    • Great. She doesn’t mean anything but she worships him, and he needs that.

      Sounds like a match made in …. lol

      • Same here – she blew sunshine up his ass, I didn’t. The fact I didn’t was why he married me. And she blew sunshine up an ass that was a successful CEO married to a bitch, not the ass I had that was a financial mess and surrounding himself with idiots who made horrific decisions. trust me, I wanted the successful CEO, not the ass. Ugh.

        • I loved my ex and I was a big cheerleader for him. But after many years of marriage I wasn’t exactly looking at him with stars in my eyes, probably because I had lived through too many farts, illnesses, and various other real life experiences with him. I didn’t make me love him less but I was well beyond the gaga phase that you have when you first fall for each other. My ex is addicted to the thrill of the first attraction. Good luck to final OW. 🙂

          • Yes, the farts thing. What is it with these idiots over forty chasing the first attraction thing repeatedly? It’s like watching someone push against a door that says pull over and over again. Bleh. I don’t know why I even care at this point.

            • These idiots think that the thrill of the first attraction is love!! How pathetic!! Lust does not pay the bills, raise the children, keep a clean house! F off!!

  • I was never even given a reason. When I asked him why, he simply said “I didn’t think you would find out”. Asshole.

    • Yeah, I heard that one, too. Probably shouldn’t have been caught fucking in a car during the day if he wanted to keep it a secret…

      • My paramedic douchebag ex was caught getting out of the back of the ambulance with her! Wonder what happened in there…

    • Oooooh, Sick of HER Chump, that’s about what I got on D-Day. When I asked whether he intended to ever tell me before I caught him he said no, and he just kept repeating: “I just always thought we’d (he and I) would be together,” along with: “There is no reason I can give you that would make sense now.” Ya think???!?!?! At least 15 years of cheating and group sex?

      Later he waffled back and forth saying he always loved me and still did (to explain why till D-Day he was still telling me daily how much he loved me) but that maybe now he loved one of his AP’s more than me and would marry her. Barf.

    • Sick of HER Chump..that’s exactly what I got, too. “I just hoped you’d never find out.” Of course not..the best of both worlds, you know. Once I found out he booked on out with the OW anyway.

  • “You give the kids too much attention. They add no value to my life. I’d rather have the money I spent on them than them.”

      • What Julie said. I am shocked. Really. Poor kids. So sorry anyone ever said that to another human.

    • Wow Red, reading your posts it sounds exactly like my XH. Never knew he had a twin. And he doesn’t understand why his kids cut him completely from their lives. That’s my fault along with everything else.

    • I’m speechless. My ex also thought I gave the kids too much attention, but that second part…”they add no value to my life” is awful 🙁

      • Many of them think/feel that but realize it’s not in their interests to SAY IT out loud. But how else can you explain abandoning your family, whether by cheating on your family time, or, in my case, bailing on them and me and just seeing them a few hours a month? Actions speak louder than words.
        Obviously these people do not care about their kids. If they did, they would have acted like it.

        • Totally agree with All of these. Honestly, my ex did not love me. I think for all our exes love is sex. Once he stated “he could live alone and be happy,” and I believed him because he spent more time at the racquet club than he did with his family. After dday he stated that “he loves the children but they have their own lives now” (17, 19, 21. Two in HS and our son’s senior year and one left hanging as a junior in college!) and he has abandoned them too. Oh he supports them a little bit financially but it’s more for SHOW. Lol. As for spending any real time with them, like all the work part, like they are all getting through college, and dealing with life and the mindfuck he left and he is living his new shiny life w/OW. No. SOS. He is still absent. Does show up for big occasions though. And at first he even brought them souvenirs from the exotic places he travelled to, and shared how much fun he was having now with ugly. Cause it was all so new and wonderful. Yeah. Give me another Chump and I will show you a life that can be good every day. Cheaters are delusional. Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to make a decision without thinking about it. Lol

    • What an asshole! But according to Andrew G. Marshall that’s one of the legit reasons to cheat on someone — time spent childrearing.

      That would’ve been a good question for him, come to think of it. Okay, nagging and childrearing are acceptable reasons for cheating. What about hairy armpits and dirty baseboards? Sexual positions? Working too much? Borders Books closing? Where’s the line?

      • Childrearing DOES take a lot of time, particularly when one parent does 95% of it. Had it been 50/50, or even 70/30, I could have more time for him. But no, he wasn’t willing to step up, and he still isn’t.

        All these people who think child care isn’t a big deal have clearly NEVER spent much time raising kids. You have to take what they say with a grain of salt.

    • Ugh. What a total jackass!

      You didn’t make those kids by yourself, did you? Thought not. If he’d have rather had the money to spend on something else, then he should have told you he didn’t want children, and taken the comparatively simple step to ensure that would never be the case!

    • I will NEVER forget that conversation.

      I just stared at him for five minutes with my mouth open, aghast. I think it was the single nastiest thing he ever said to me. A real Twilight Zone moment, where the fun-loving man I’d spent nearly 30 years with suddenly turned into an alien I’d never seen before.

      My father always put his kids first. My XH – like his father – always put HIMSELF first. The clues were there 30 years ago, and my mother saw them and tried to warn me. But I just spackled and spackled because XH was so sparkly. I won’t be fooled again.

      In fact, I will be thoroughly vetting my children’s prospective mates in the years to come. No more nut jobs in the family, if I can help it!

    • Maybe triplets?

      Mine said (about his 5 year old daughter) “I look at her and fell absolutely nothing.”

      About his 2 year old son, “Don’t you ever feel like an unpaid babysitter?” He also wanted to know if I ever thought of “taking him back” (he’s adopted).

      That was a week before final d-day, and despite lots of prior abusive behavior to me – was that first time I was really afraid, because my mommy instincts told me that he was capable of hurting the kids – since he clearly had no feelings toward them.

      Fast forward – he hasn’t seen them in six years. I think that was maybe the only time in our marriage he actually told the truth.

      • I absolutely do not understand these parents who blow off their kids!

        Really, it infuriates me, since I know that these people are the same ones who’ll decide that they need to spend some time getting to know their progeny once the kids have grown up, i.e. after all the hard work has been done by the children’s real parent.

        • ^^^. My XFIL walked out when XH was 17, but pats HIMSELF on the back that XH has a PhD.

          XH moved out 4 years ago. Who’s he congratulating now that his kids are getting academic scholarships? HIMSELF. It’s ridiculous!

          We tell him as little as possible these days…

          • Red, that is one of the sickest things I’ve ever heard. I can’t even imagine how even the shittiest, most absentee parent could ever think something like that, much less say it out loud, especially to the other parent!

            Do you think your kids knew their dad’s real feelings? How about now?

      • Redefining – wow! “Take him back?” Like he’s a pair of curtains that didn’t match the wallpaper?

        I don’t get it, I really don’t. My children has never been disposable to me, so I can’t comprehend that line of thinking. But it’s a good thing yours is out of the picture – you don’t want your kids burdened with his toxicity.

      • My sister’s ex told her the best thing he could do for his daughter was to stay out of her life. Turns out he was right. The guy was a womanizer and drug addict who ended up “falling off a cliff” while he was “hiking” in the middle of the night at age 35.

      • That’s so awful ReDefining!! What a monster!

        6years !! And I thought my ex was a cold, unfeeling jerk because he hasn’t seen his kids in over a year, and they’re not young, they’re 20 an 23. They are better off without him. And you and your kids are so much richer for it!

        My Dad believed that family was everything, that you could have all the money and the possessions in the world, but without family, you have nothing. My XH and his Dad were all about the money. The signs were there I just had speckle in my eyes.

      • Redefining, I can sympathize. I just had this conversation with my mother this afternoon. My oldest son is graduating from law school next month, my daughter will graduate from college next year Phi Beta Kappa, and my youngest son is a handsome and active 14 year old with all the trials and tribulations of middle school. My ex left on D-Day, texted them a few times, refused my repeated suggestions he attend family counseling with them, and knows nothing about what is happening to them at this point at all. He never even asks me how our 14 year old son is doing. Ever. At. All.

        His ability to detach from even his own children both frightens me and breaks my heart, our children deserve so much more than to have fathers who are monsters.

        • I know Kelly,

          How these men can just wipe us clean out of their lives is one thing, but the way they erase their kids (mine replaced them with the OW’s kid as easily as you’d change an old pair of shoes), is heartbreaking.

          You’re right they are monsters.

        • Kelly, I’m so sorry to hear this, especially when he’s missing out on some stellar achievements. My ex has also made very little effort to stay involved with my kids, and that’s been very painful for me to see. Like a snake shedding its skin: goodbye old life, and just slither away. The day after we moved out, my girls wanted to go back and clear out the last few bits from their old room. He said: “Sorry; it’s not convenient.” That was lots of fun trying to explain on the phone to my 11 year-old daughter when she was already almost there on her way back from school. One day we lived there; the next they weren’t allowed to come by for 15 minutes. And then he was actually going to text her to ask for her key back so he could give it to the housekeeper he hired right after I left. But we weren’t together nearly as long as you and your ex were, and I’m hoping my kids can detoxify and understand that is NOT how honourable men treat women–or kids. Or anyone, for that matter. You called it: “Our children deserve so much more than to have fathers [or mothers] who are monsters.” Thank GOD they have you there lighting their paths and standing for what’s right!

          • “Like a snake shedding its skin: goodbye old life, and just slither away.”

            Thanks FoolMe. Your observation is so true. I’m saving that one.

            My daughter told me that she can no longer have any contact with her father as “every contact is another chance for him to abandon me again.” That is what your ex is doing too, denying his own children every day.

            I was online recently and a new photo of my ex appeared with “people you may know” kind of thing. His life of debauchery appears to be catching up with him from what I could see, and I know he is not doing as well as he expected financially, and recently lost another position. (Surprise! It really was me carrying us all of that time). I sometimes worry what he will do when the karma bus hits him, and I think that bus is fast approaching. I pray he latches onto one of his demented AP’s and leaves our children alone.

            We are tough mamas (and papas), you will get your daughters through with your love.

      • I had several reasons:
        1. Life with me and my kids was boring.
        2. He didn’t want to have sex while I was pregnant as the baby grossed him out.
        3. I didn’t give him enough attention and focused on the kids to much.
        4. The OW listened to all his problems about our relationship (rather than communicate to me!)
        5. I was on my phone to much- umm hello he had sent the OW 1500 text messages in a month (including 16 when I was delivering our second child!)

        And so on and so on….Foff, he’s done me a fucking favour if that’s the way he is!

        • Marley – I got a lot of these same complaints. They won’t help with the kids to ease your burden so you CAN spend more time with them, they just complain that you’re spending too much time helping little people who can’t do anything for themselves. It’s infuriating.

          As for sending texts to OW while you’re birthing his child – SO selfish! I feel your pain. XH went on a job interview out of town and called to tell me about it. I put all the kids on the phone to say hello. Length of call: 7 minutes. He then spent 3 HOURS on the phone with OW, debating the pros and cons of taking the job. Because, you know, it was HER future that was going to be impacted, not his family’s…

    • My stbx has said to me many times that we would have so much more money if we didn’t have to pay for daycare/pre-school for our son (when both of us work full time). Who does he think is going to watch him? I make just as much money when I had a job if not more than he does & you don’t see me complaining about paying for that. What an asshole!

  • “You always sit in the Lazy Boy instead of on the couch with me.” (He bought the Lazy Boy for me. I assumed he knew I’d likely sit in it. Nevermind the fact that they freakin’ sell Lazy Boy couches, if he wanted me to be joined at the hip all the freakin’ time. Asshole.)

    “I never felt loved by you.” (My kids, when they heard that, vowed to never speak to him again. And I guess fucking his whore co-worker made him feel loved.)

    “We don’t have anything in common.” I’m assuming he meant I didn’t rock and mountain climb. Funny thing is, I didn’t do those things when he begged me to marry him, along with the fact that I wasn’t a vegetarian and he was, etc. etc. I’m not sure when it started to matter. I also note that he never liked to scrapbook. It never would have occurred to me to cheat on him and abandon him because of that. I also note that we DID have much in common. Three kids, a home, friends, family, a shared history, shared interests other than climbing and scrapbooking. In fact, up until I told him I knew he was cheating on me, he seemed to be perfectly devoted to me.

    “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” (Gee, how nice of you to unilaterally make that decision for me, too.) WTH???

    • “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” (Gee, how nice of you to unilaterally make that decision for me, too.) WTH???

      ^^^This ticked me off as well. XH made the decision to divorce without bothering to discuss it with me, as if my input was of no importance. Now, I discuss very little with him – just the facts, ma’am. He doesn’t deserve more.

      • Wow Carol, what an ass.

        And I too, Red and Carol, heard that from him, he was so full of anger and hate when he said it. I wasn’t given a choice either, no input, no discussion…but I was the horrible person.

    • I said it up-upthread, but “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now” is just classic break-up nonsense speech if you are in a relationship with that person. Now, if they are cheating, it’s “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you because I am pursuing somebody else”, but in any case it’s somebody being passive and using your ego against you instead of just saying, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore”, and it works because your first thought was probably about yourself “What do you mean you don’t want to be in a relationship? You are in one with me!”, but it’s not about you. It’s about them.

      It’s just a dishonest thing to say. “It’s not you; it’s me” is more honest because that’s only a half-truth, IMO. It is them. They found somebody else. It’s all about them. You aren’t part of the equation.

    • UGH the we don’t have anything in common – that one was the killer because in his mind he did all these things but in reality he wasn’t doing any of them. He’s a runner….but he only runs like 1-2 times a month? He snowboards but hasn’t gone in years? He simultaneously berated me for not having anything in common and at the same time said I needed to do things by myself, on my own.

    • Yeah, mine said we never had anything in common but the kids. After 36 years together that really hurt. He told my youngest son “this has been coming for a long time.” I sure wish he’d have told me and I wouldn’t have wasted so many years waiting for him to come back from business trips!!!

  • My father wasnt around when i was growing up.
    I was sexually abused…
    I have trouble making friends
    I didnt cheat on you..I was helping a buddy buy hotel rooms and jewlery..
    God told me to let go…of you and the kids
    A girl was in the room but i swear nothing happened!

  • Occasionally(I would say this) when he would abandon me and the kids every weekend, I would make a joke just like on the movie the Hangover, “what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas……. . He said he took that to mean that for the last 5 years we had an open marriage. It was a fucking joke, idiot! That boy is not too swooft.

  • 9 years ago when our son was 14, he made a circle in that little patch of grass to the side of our house while mowing the lawn for the first time, and instead of yelling at him like my ex I had the audacity to think it was creative and funny.

    When I was battling cancer, I only cleaned up the dog poop from the back yard once a day NOT every time they went out.

    I didn’t think his jokes about child, animal or spouse abuse were funny like the OW does.

    Every time I got sick I took care of myself and didn’t devote all my attention on him.

  • “I cheated on you because you didn’t wear enough make- up.” I guess going to grad school full-time, working, raising 3 small children and taking care of a house and yard largely by myself didn’t leave me enough time for eyeliner and contouring eye shadow. So very sorry. It must have been horrible to see my naked eyelids every day. I understand why you HAD to screw somebody who looked like she collided with an Avon truck.

  • -I called him stupid 1 time at a party 5 years ago (which I did apologize for and never let happen again)
    -he asked my opinion on the placement of the light fixture in the shed, I told him I didn’t like it and preferred it to be in its old location
    -I got mad because we had plans and instead of doing the plans with me, he interrupted them to help an acquatinance move and I told him I felt like I was playing second fiddle to everyone else….this meant I was selfish
    -I took the loss of my best friend of 15 years too hard

    Man, I beat myself up over those things for nearly 2 years because they were all true. Now I just laugh

    • Ashley,
      Don’t you just love the selfish projection crap? Ugh.

      Condolences on the loss of a long time friend. That’s a tough one. Peace.

    • Oh, I got a variation of this one! “Our marriage was dead for years. I am just the coroner calling the time of death” .

        • Yep. This is on page one of “Cheaters 101”.

          Didn’t stop him from bringing me flowers, sending me affectionate smses and taking romantic baths with me the week before BD. I guess you have to keep the kibbles going somehow!!!

          • My ex wanted another baby just 6 weeks before he started the affair. Then, after I found out about said affair, he also said “our marriage has been over for a very long time now.” Ha, but 6 weeks prior, he wanted that baby. They are masters at re writing history. Pathetic losers.

            • Our marriage was crumbling for 1, 2, 4, 5 10 years. Take your pick depending on the day and the weather. Yet I heard how much he loved me every single day.

              • “Our marriage was already dead” has to be the quintessential cheater phrase, I’m sure we all heard some version of that at least once.

              • It’s the ever changing timetable I heard too, as I’m sure so many of us have. I couldn’t keep track (and neither could he) as to how many years it was. And then I stopped caring.

              • I also had the “we lost the love” speech! Was news to me buddy, you used to tell me you loved me everyday! When I asked why he used to tell me he loved me he said “I was just telling you what you wanted to hear!” Bastard glad to be rid of him!!

          • I got this: “you killed our love in Arizona 10 years ago so I didn’t feel married.” Giving himself permission to find love elesewhere with a double life of debauchery. So of course being the chump that I was I asked HIS forgiveness and pleaded for him to tell me what I could do to fix it. I asked him what specifically I had done to “kill our love” and he really couldn’t tell me anything. The only concrete answer he gave was that I had forced him to have a fourth child, our only daughter. Wow, I was floored because I’m pretty sure he was in on her conception plus she is the most delightful, beautiful person What a douche!!!

    • Oh yeah, he hadn’t loved me for 10 years. Then when I asked “Really? since you went to [bikefest]?”

      When put that way he decided it hadn’t been 10 years, but had “been a while”. Yeah, whatever.

  • This is the gem that I got just last week:

    “There was obviously something seriously wrong in our marriage that caused me to do it.”

    “It” being checking out of our 35 year marriage to spend two years and half our life savings on private sex chats with his online, video slut – the one that was his “girlfriend in real life.”

    Seriously wrong? As far as I knew we were still deeply in love, had an abiding respect for each other and looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. But I’m being “hard and unforgiving” because “it was just a game and it was FUN!”

    The constant lies, the blatant disrespect, the selfishness and supreme sense of entitlement don’t feel particularly fun to me.

    • “There was obviously something seriously wrong in our marriage that caused me to do it.”

      You DO know that half the shit that comes out of their mouth was whispered into their ear by the AP, right? And then they bring it home and drop it like it’s REALLY insightful and interesting. Because it seemed like SUCH a revelation when it was said by The One Who Can Do No Wrong.

      Idiots.

      • Yeah, my narc ex’s mistress told him the kids would be fine if I kicked him out. THAT he took seriously. So seriously he then went on to use the kids entirely to fulfill his needs, never thinking of their well-being or the consequences for them (by his own admission) for a year and a half, until they started refusing to have anything to do with him. And of course, I later find out that the OW’s kids are pretty fucked up – maybe because she cheated on their dad, leading to that divorce? Maybe because her current bf (my ex) is also a self-centered asshole?

        The stupidity is monumental.

        • Final OW told ex the kids would be fine. Why? Because her father cheated on her mother and it only took her a year to get over it. Of course, she has a fucked up relationship with her parents but nope, she’s fine!

    • “There was obviously something seriously wrong in our marriage that caused me to do it.” This is one of the weird things that comes from the way our society looks at affairs. The guy doesn’t know what’s wrong with his marriage or what made him cheat, but he’s positive that something about the marriage must be wrong because he did something bad and that can’t possibly be about him.

      • THIS. Of course it is never about them……………my stbx thinks he walks on water, is god’s gift to women, and poops in little baggies with bows…………..

  • Wow! I thought I was the only one with craptastic excuses thrown at me:
    1. Your post-partum depression affected me more than you.
    2.Your professional success makes you a bad wife. You are not the boss of me.
    3. You only care about the children and your career, your family (and his) and our friends. I get the left overs.
    4. You conned me into believing that our sex life would always be great. Now you are always tired and boring in bed (i.e. I am not into porn and super kinky sex, preferences he developed after 18 years together). And you never bothered to lose the baby weight.
    5. You painted our bedroom purple – I hate purple (I asked and he told me he didn’t care)
    6. I always make the coffee in morning for you, you never make it for me (because I am making the breakfast for everybody – and we have a freaking Kuering machine!!!!!)

    • “1. Your post-partum depression affected me more than you.”

      God almighty… Actually, all of these are unfathomably terrible. But yep, I heard several of them, too. Aren’t you glad you’re free? I know I am!

      • Psyche, I am still in the process of getting rid of this douchbag, but yes, I am very glad I will soon be free. A pity I wasted almost 20 years of my life on this BS.

        • Ugh. Ex insisted we move into an upscale area that he’d been keen on for years. It wasn’t really my kind of place but decided to give it a go. When I kicked him out it was ‘And you just want to swan around like the bored rich housewife!’. Yeah, um, no.

        • I actually am not a huge Kuerig fan, but STBX desperately wants one. Why, I don’t know, since I know that he’d not actually use it. I mean, it’s a kitchen thing and he does not do kitchen anything.

          However, I’ll be thrilled to take the Bona Vita and the burr grinder with me–both of which I bought–and then he can buy his own damn Kuerig and have OW make coffee for him from it!

          • No offense to Kuerig users, but my ex was a fan of those too, but… they make the coffee have a plastic undertone (probably the little plastic cups getting hot) kind of like how new coffee makers have similar after-tastes until they get broke in.

    • Bella what a selfish prick!,

      I found out about my STBXH’s affair a few weeks after giving birth and he told people that our marriage problems were due to post natal depression!! Not him having bum sex with a whore from work!!

  • Verbatim, “I never would have cheated on you in the beginning but you changed.”
    Translation, I expected things like time and truth in some consistent manner instead of continued chaos and confusion, so he had to.
    I wanted a partner not a panderer.

    • You weren’t supposed to grow and change and develop as a person…didn’t you know that wasn’t part of the deal? You were supposed to stay frozen in time, looking, acting, thinking and being exactly like you were in that window of falling in love. Sheesh. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

      • Silly me. Yea, I’d lost weight and got a better job, owned my own home, loved his kids, worked at getting along with his ex. She and I actually threw the kids a b day party together shortly before d day. The girls and all their friends loved it.
        I probably should have apologized like the quackmeister said I should have done!
        (snark)

          • Yea Kat, he’s a serial ass. The same woman that his ex caught him with twice had apparently been around the whole time we were together.
            So why be with me at all?

            • I started to get “crazy” thoughts of him cheating when some strange stuff started happening on the stepmom support site I was on which he knew all about. Long story short, she trolled me and after he got tossed out, never was the “new member” heard from again. Surprise!

            • Damn, I feel for you. I was a step-mom to two kids that I really loved. My ex married me and knocked me up in the middle of all sorts of nasty sexual activities so he was well aware of what he was. I think at that time he liked having someone take care of his kids and provide extra financial stability. But I also don’t understand what hell he was thinking making a baby knowing full well it would mean a larger commitment on his part in every way.

              They must be able to do this shit because they have a divided personality. They keep thinking they can get it all without having to put anything in. What they don’t realize is that you have to choose…either being married and committed with a family or being single and chasing tail. The two things don’t go together. That isn’t a failure to obtain happiness, that’s just fucking life. I don’t think they ever realize it though and continue to Jekyll and Hyde it.

              • The cozy home life, loving wife, kids looking up to you…..AND dirty, hidden sex no one’s supposed to ever find out about.
                They honestly think they can pull that off.
                (We aren’t that dumb)

              • Yeah, I told the idiot I’d be gone if he ever cheated. It took me a while to get proof but I told him I was leaving the day I found out. What’s so weird is that when we were first together he couldn’t lie to save his life. Boy did he become an expert at it. Lie lie lie.

  • “You don’t ski anymore!”
    “We can’t take family sport vacations!”

    How ridiculous is that after 30 years! Never mind that I have foot problems and can’t get my foot in a boot and received no credit for driving up the mountain and dropping the family at the base and picking them up when I got the call. My girls are expert skiers and I would probably still be back on the bunny slope. Now he’s gone and the kids won’t ski with him anymore, SO no more family sport vacations with his family!

  • 1. There was no passion
    2. He never wanted children – he had them because I wanted them
    3. He had to quit his hobby because of me – NOT TRUE! He quit because he couldn’t stand his brother
    4. I had sex with him even when I didn’t want it and he felt like it was a chore for me
    5. I love you but I’m not IN love with you

    Yeah! No problem. Now he can be with his whore, not see his children, have passionate sex that is ALWAYS perfect sex that they BOTH want ALL OF THE TIME!!!! Far be it for me to stand in his way of that!!!!

    • Oh right. I forgot the hobby thing!

      Boo hoo that you don’t have time to play Xbox, computer games, fly sail planes & build Lego’s. You’re 50 years old and you have a house & family and responsibilities.
      Geez.
      Now some of that sometimes is fine but there was no balance.

      • I have all the time in the world–when I am not taking care of or walking dogs, cleaning house, shopping for groceries (etc), working in the yard or fixing something around the house, or working 50 hrs a week–for my hobbies now, and I have dedicated a good 2 hrs a week to them 🙂

        • STBX was never interested in playing computer games with me, though I bought him Portal Two for some co-op. He watches youtube and television. I have to watch his shows.

          STBX has to do the chores he does. He’s always too tired to do anything else. He spends 1-1.5 hours cleaning the lower part of the house, and then another 1.5 hours mowing the lawn. Then he complains that he has to do X, Y, Z, but he has no sleep! His feet hurt! His back hurt! Oh the agony, the sacrifice!

          I could do a lot of that stuff, but if I don’t spend the 3.5 hours on the upstairs part of the house, the 2 hours per day I spend walking our high-energy dogs, and don’t forget fixing the meals–well, I’m ignoring him and goofing off.

          There’s a reason I game late at night…

  • I was the reason he was having trouble finishing his dissertation. (He hadn’t worked on it in three years).

    Sometimes I went to bed early.

    • I sometimes went to bed early and read because I was bored with watching TV. This was a terrible crime, it never occurring to him to turn off the television and come to bed when I did.

  • Your job (law enforcement) just doesn’t jive with my lifestyle (of being a drunken asshole). Rachel (OW) really likes to have fun. You don’t like to have fun anymore.

    After we split up… his FUN landed him in jail for quite a while. And his whore… is gone with the wind. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • “You won’t wear pantyhose every time we have sex. And your bras are boring colors”

    (Dude, try wearing pantyhose all day at work, ’cause I’m supporting the family, and then coming home to parent two daughters. Then tell me you’d be delighted to put them back on because I couldn’t get “in the mood” without you wearing them…..)

    Four years after D-Day, I have two drawers full of lovely lingerie and stockings that I delight in wearing WHENEVER I FREAKING CHOOSE with my awesome fiance!

      • Chump Lady, you don’t want to know….your eyeballs will be permanently seared. DO NOT Google Image search!

        Three times I had to spend hours cleaning a Trojan virus off our home computer because Big Chief Dumb Fuck had been trolling panty hose porn sites. I finally password protected the computer and forbade my girls from giving him the password.

        He bought his own laptop just before I kicked him out, and then complained when things started “acting funny.” Wanted me to fix it for him.

        Oh, hell no, buddy! Get your pantyhose-wearing Skank to fix it for you!

        • Oh my gosh, I can’t tell you how many times our son (who works in IT) had to completely re-format my husband’s computer. I’m talking completely re-format at least 6-10 times!

          Oh course, it had nothing to do with the countless hours he spent on porn sites or the thousands of images he had saved to his hard drive.

          Nope, nothing at all. He is the only person in the whole universe that was somehow innocently targeted to have his computer fail over and over again.

          He would get IRATE when I wouldn’t let him even touch my computer. Go figure.

  • I heard, “I thought I was missing out on something.” Yes, asswipe, you are missing out on a few things – character, integrity, values, moral compass….

    Granted we were married young – 21 yrs old – and married for almost 29 years. Not sure why a stable environment and loving family would cause one to think they were missing out on something. You can’t make this crap up.

  • When we moved to [this state] you said we would only stay 5 years then move back to [home state]

    Those words were said 26 years ago moron, and obviously I changed my mind (not to mention that at the time I was asking if that was what he had in mind at the time we moved – not making an absolute statement)

  • My husband said I deserved the betrayals and lies because I lied to him. He says that when we got married, I told him God blesses marriage. Never mind the children,etc. , he is mad because he has to work. This jerk actually expected cash! So since cash didn’t miraculously appear…I am a liar!

  • My ex said ” I thought you were too good for me, I still do, I didn’t think we would last and I didn’t want to be alone.” thus trying to explain why he was cheating on me from day one for almost a decade. Since he thought I was still too good for him, that also probably meant he will still cheat in the future..SMH….

    • Such fucked up “logic”. I got something similar – “Do you think maybe you’re just too good for me?” So yes, fuck up the good thing you have by banging your ex-porn star coworker. Of course that only lasted one day and ever since I’ve heard about the multitudes of character flaws I possess…

      • yes it sure is fucked up. Yes he did fuck up a good thing, when I somewhat found out about the first OW I threw him out, there he was no where to go and ended up in company condo and was told, he cant stay there too long and of course as usual he was playing the pity play, was broke and I felt bad for him(yes I was stupid) and let him back in until he found a place that he could afford (his own family didn’t take him in, geez I wonder why? because he is a deadbeat, mooching user!)and you know what he did that still burns my ass? 10 days after I let him back in, which was valentines day, he called the 2nd OW(I didn’t know it at the time) that he had been calling for year and a half, on valentines day! while telling me he will prove himself to me that from now on, he would be honest, devoted, loyal and earn my trust back again and do whatever it takes. He plays the poor good guy role so good that he could win an Oscar! and he claimed he was trying to call his brother(plays the stupid really well too) then he had no idea who’s number that was. Obviously that one was married too because if she wasn’t he would’ve moved in with her. Its funny he was cheating because just incase we didn’t work out so he wouldn’t be alone, then why did he pick married OW’s? that doesn’t even make sense. He is a slithering snake and a master gaslighter, it was like “what, you’re going to believe me or your lying eyes?” kind of thing..

        Oh my flaws? well at first he told me my mind was going crazy, there was nothing there (gaslighting) blah blah then when I dug and found out what cheating, lying POS he is, he accused me of being self righteous, saying “you could never forget anything or forgive anyone! ” I tried to stay friends at first, because my youngest adored him but when he came around he started to steal from me left and right and who steals from a single mom?!?! Grrrr. I had enough, I went NC and the idiot thought he is all that and bag of chips (more like bag of shit!) he text me saying ” I am sorry that I hurt you so bad, you are forced to do this” he thought I went NC because I am trying to heal, no fucktard I cant stand hearing from you or stand the site of you, you make my skin crawl lying POS, that’s why I am in NC. Then tried to reason with me saying that we had something special, I will never find anyone that I will truly connect, with the way we had and I am thinking “no douchebag, the only connection we ever had was your connection to my food, my things and my money!” Connection my ass! He had more connection with the first OW than me, because she knew all about me, idiot was sharing things with her about me every fucking day for over 3 years while screwing her every chance he got!

        You know what, TRUST THEY ALL SUCK!!

  • CL, I was surprised to see my armpits mentioned this morning! I have more blameshifting example (below). Keep in mind that I am in my 40s, relatively young looking (people usually think I’m 30 years old), in shape, physically attractive, work full-time and have two young children, one who is 18 months old. My XH had an affair with some 25 year old girl from another country who barely speaks English (he HAD to spend time with her in order to teach her English because she was so helpless).

    -I didn’t get manicures often enough.
    -The watch (the one I wear on my wrist) wasn’t feminine enough.
    -I didn’t dye my hair (had a few greys).
    -I didn’t lose my baby weight fast enough (younger kid was only 5 months old when affair began, so he says).
    -I didn’t cook for him enough. (When we first got married, I cooked for him a lot, but he begged me to stop because it made him feel uncomfortable and he didn’t want a “domestic” wife.)
    -I ddn’t enjoy live music because I stuffed tissue into my ears when I entered loud clubs.
    -I spent too much attention on kids and not enough on him (he TOLD me before how jealous he was of how much care and attention I spent on kids; if only I had spent that energy on him, we wouldn’t be in this mess, he says).
    -I didn’t keep apartment clean enough (when most of the clutter was HIS and his parents’ stuff).
    -Now he wanted an SAHM-type, who could devote all his attention to him, when in the past he always told me that he wanted a wife who was a career woman and he had no respect for SAHMs.
    -He said that I was too successful in my career and couldn’t help me anymore; he needed someone who needed him (the OW needed him to help her get into grad school/find a job/learn English).
    -I didn’t call him enough (when before he told me not to call him at work unless it was an emergency, because he didn’t want to be bothered at work).
    -I insisted on having a second kid because I wanted a sibling for my older child.
    -I didn’t pay enough attention to him. He frequently came home after midnight and expected that I would be waiting for him every night with a drink ready for him. Meanwhile I had to get up early in the morning to get the kids ready for school/daycare, not to mention that I was waking up a couple of times per night to breastfeed.
    -He didn’t think I would care for him in his old age based on my “inconsiderate” and “selfish” behavior and not paying enough him attention to him now.
    -I argued with his parents and sister. XH insisted that his parents live with us to “help” take care of the kids. All I got were criticisms from his parents and sister, about how I wasn’t a good enough wife because I didn’t wash the dishes properly, didn’t pick up XH’s socks, didn’t cook him the proper foods, didn’t keep the floors clean, sent my child to camp (not sure what else he is supposed to do in the summer while I work), didn’t pay him enough attention, didn’t show him enough “consideration” and “care,” because XH needs someone to “care” for him as he can’t take care of himself (he’s in his mid-40s). The only person who could take proper care of him apparently is his mother (and childless older sister). Now his parents are apparently living with him so they have him all to himself.
    -I spent too much time with my family. I would take the kids to my parents’ house on the weekends because XH was either working or sleeping most of the weekends and frankly was mostly in a crabby mood (mostly about work) and would snap at me, sometimes yelling, if something didn’t go his way, blaming me. He never went to son’s baseball games on the weekends–either working or sleeping. XH said son was too close to my mom, who was a “bad influence” because she “spoiled” him.
    -I never initiated sex with him or tried to seduce him.
    -I didn’t wear sexy lingerie to bed.
    -He kept on saying he was turning 50 soon and life was too short and he didn’t want to live with any regrets. He even forwarded me an email announcing the sudden death of a colleague around his age, saying, see?
    -He said his commute to work was too long and too hard on him (which apparently was my fault because I wanted to live in the city where we are currently living), which is why he needed to rent his own apartment downtown, 7 miles away, in the same city (this was when he told me he was moving out, but before D-day).
    -He said he couldn’t relax and concentrate at home if the kids were awake or the baby was crying or if there were the kids’ toys/books on the floor. Once XH got mad that son had broken the tray to the printer and told me, “See? This wouldn’t happen if I lived alone.”
    -He said he just wanted his own place where he could cook himself gourmet meals.
    -He told me that his second wife would be an SAHM, so she could look after the kids, and it would be great for me, because then I wouldn’t have to worry about a nanny (as the kids would be with someone I could trust), and I could concentrate on my career and of course visit the kids after work whenever I wanted.
    -When he came to visit me years ago, I didn’t meet him at the airport, but made him take the train by himself.
    -We couldn’t take romantic vacations alone because we had kids and it was too difficult to find someone to care for them. But he never even suggested this, and he apparently took OW on some vacation trips.

    I probably have more, but have to go back to work now. 😉

    • I bet you do have more. So many blameshifts, it’s hard to remember them all. I hear you.

      Got quite a few of these also. “-I didn’t cook for him enough. (When we first got married, I cooked for him a lot, but he begged me to stop because it made him feel uncomfortable and he didn’t want a “domestic” wife.)” This! My ex complained if I *did* cook, and also if I *didn’t* cook. It was a no-win.

    • I got a lot of those too – yeah, I didn’t ‘need’ him, I forgot about that one and I didn’t deserve my job, because he worked hard, and I didn’t as far as he could see (holding down a part time job, working at home full time)

      I wish his fuck buddy girlfriend all the best in the world with him 🙂

    • Because we want nothing more than to entrust our children’s care to someone chosen by a lying, cheating bastard. Boggles the mind. My children were mostly grown when the shit hit the fan, but I would have LOVED to see them together in a room with the OW. It would have been a WWF cage fight between a pack of lions and a “church mouse.” Just the thought of it brings a smile to my face.

    • “He told me that his second wife would be an SAHM, so she could look after the kids, and it would be great for me, because then I wouldn’t have to worry about a nanny (as the kids would be with someone I could trust), and I could concentrate on my career and of course visit the kids after work whenever I wanted.”

      Still LMAO at this one!!!!!!!!! Your ex is a piece of work.
      I remember after my ex had moved out (leaving me with a newborn and a toddler and a fulltime job, etc.) and he was trying to convince me what a great mom OW is and how she was going to be great to my kids. How kids came first for her (of course, they did. Her now x-husband had made it possible for her to be a SAHM and she wasn’t out having to earn a living). I remember telling x, “since I’ve had to give up my housekeeper in order to cut expenses, the least you could do is send OW over to clean my house.” He didn’t think that was too funny. Fast forward a few years: My x lost his biz, OW had to go to work (as a low-paid sales clerk as she could not get a professional job. Guess who her only professional reference was — ME!!!!! Her former boss!) She was so pissed that she had to go to work after her dreams of being a rich professional’s wife. And guess who was trapped at home (actually, they live in her mother’s home) for three years taking care of HER children and being her housemaid, cook, kids chauffer — my X!!!!!!

      • That is the best one I have EVER heard. A little karma’s a beautiful thing; a lot of Karma is glorious.

        There’s a lot of sacrifice involved in being a professional’s wife. My ex hasn’t fallen so low, but being the mistress was a lot more fun, I’ll bet.

        • Oh I WANTED to all right. I even told my X, “Now you be SURE to tell OW to list me as a Job Reference.” I simply can’t imagine why she never took me up on it.

  • My X was not creative enough to devise any excuses that weren’t totally trite or transparent…..like the old standby, “We grew apart.” (Ah, no! You blasted us apart!)

    So looking elsewhere, one of the most creatively stupid ones I found was………………….

    ……… the “Patriotism Excuse”…..a la Newt Gingrich.

    “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” Gingrich told the Christian Broadcast Network when the question of the affair he had during his last marriage came up.

    See? They don’t always blame shift onto the spouse…well..unless he expected Mrs. Gingrich to be wearing a red, white, and blue, star-spangled thong complete with a twat pouch of real fireworks to set off at the ultimate moment. (Nothing like crotch burns and pubic gunpowder residue to liven up the old sex life, eh?)

    • I love the passive voice sentence construction–“things happened in my life,” as if these clowns didn’t make choices.

      • Yeah…passivity is the name and infidelity is the game, but I’m still chuckling over the mental image of an “Americana Butt-Flosser Line” for Victoria’s Secrets 😉

        • My x’s favorite excuse when asked if he had paid the mortgage or whatever other responsible thing he had promised to do:

          “It didn’t happen.”

          • Well Gingrich couldn’t blame it on his wife in public, didn’t she have cancer? or some other life threatening issue? I forget because he cheated on two wives in his public career and I get them confused.

            • The first one had cancer, the second had MS and was supposed to avoid stress.

              They both got better, though. It was creepy of him to leave them, but they may have been better off without him.

        • I once went through a phase with the ex where I refused to use any pronouns in our correspondence. It took forever to craft an email but it was worth it. So much fun to make it sound alien-like.

  • I wasn’t married to the cheater–just in what he said was a “forever” committed relationship including major financial commitments. Until he said, immediately after his friend’s younger sister got in touch with him, “I’m living a new life…I need time…I’ve got to make changes….” But he didn’t see fit to return several thousand dollars I had put in what was supposed to be “our” new business account, and so never got around to telling me the temporary move he made to help his parents was permanent. He wanted a new life and the money and the secret FB relationship (at minimum) with the OW. He still won’t even admit that it was a relationship, although there are those FB screenshots…He won’t even talk about the mess he left me with because I “accused” him of being unfaithful and “she is just —–‘s sister.” And you needed a secret (from me) FB account with only her as a friend for what reason, when she lives 5 minutes away on foot? So it’s all my fault for being upset that he disengaged from the relationship, which made him disengage more, and then for asking about the FB relationship, which was “intolerable.” And meanwhile, she has a husband and three kids.

  • I only got two – he figured out pretty quick that blameshifting wouldn’t work, so he then went to the patented “I don’t know”.

    But here they are:

    I don’t like his friends. Yes, all 3 of them that he hardly saw or talked to. I could count one one hand without using all my fingers how many times I laid eyes on these friends.

    We don’t have enough sex. Hmmm, I agreed with this one and pointed out that I was the one who verbally complained on multiple occasions about our lack of sex, and it was he who liked to fall asleep eating chips on the couch and not come to bed until 3am. I mean really, how long is a girl supposed to wait around wearing thigh high boots? (Yes I actually did this – don’t 2X4 me to death).

      • This was one of the worst mindfucks for me out of my soon to be divorce. I can’t tell you how many times that bastard turned me down, rejected me, with-held sex for the dumbest reasons AFTER we got married. It killed my self-esteem & spirit. Especially since I have always had a VERY high sex drive. It was like a bait & switch nightmare. After almost 15 years of this I find out he has had a secret porn & hooker addiction all along?! WTF?! I really hate him to say the least. What a monumental waste of a big part of my life.
        I never cheated & I had always had my fair share of offers-even now……and I didn’t cheat.

        • I’m right with you on this one. I also had the higher sex drive and for 15 years tried everything to spice it up to get him interested but was constantly turned down. When he was sick a few years back and had some ED issues, I was very patient and compassionate because I knew it was hurting his ego. So yeah, it felt great when he told me a few weeks ago “We’ve always had a terrible sex life. You said so yourself!”

          • I know Kit-it really sucks. If only I would have known-hell, I could have worn a wig & charged him for sex if it would have gotten me laid in my marriage!! Just kidding………what a creep. I still can’t believe how gross my stbx is at 45 paying for 18 & 19 year old hookers. The truth is that I met my husband when I was 27-so I was already too old for him then!!!!

            • One more thing Kit-my husband had a lot of “E.D.” Issues too but as it turns out it is also a symptom of porn addiction. Poor little sausage can’t function unless it’s by his own hand as he’s hiding out somewhere in secret watching teenager porn or paying for service from a barely legal hooker. Nice, huh

              • This is all sounding eerily familiar. The number it does on your self-esteem and identity is just bad, bad news.

            • yeah, my XH had ED issues as well. turned out he couldn’t get it up unless he was watching transsexual porn.

      • Thanks CL!

        Yeah funny isn’t I didn’t feel compelled to run out and find some strange? Never crossed my mind. Instead I just got excited about those stupid sale emails from Fredricks to see what else I could try.

        An on a side note, ladies never fall asleep in thigh high boots. Your feet will hurt, and peeling the imitation leather down your legs is not a fun way to start your day.

    • He’s an idiot. If I had a wife that was upstairs with thigh high boots waiting for me… Id run up the steps.

  • “We never go out anymore” even though HE was the one that cancelled all our date nights, saying he was too busy with work. (He wasn’t, he was just f*cking a girl FROM work *rolls eyes*) Even when we went out before, I would always end up paying for everything because he would be “between jobs” or was saving up for a surprise. (I never saw a surprise, unless the surprise was “Surprise! I’m cheating on you!”)

    Oh, and on D-Day, he said “I still want to be able to go to a rave and drop ecstasy and have sex with a girl while we’re both high.” WOW. I’m sorry, I thought this kind of thought process would’ve died back in HIGH SCHOOL and COLLEGE but I guess not!

  • One of mine’s excuses was I wouldn’t allow him to continue buying more toys – I’m talking the $5,000 kind – not a $100 toy….yes, deciding that I didn’t want debt and I wanted savings was one of the ‘many’ deciding factors…oh and I didn’t want the honking ranch that cost $3,000,000 out of the city and I didn’t want…..and the list goes on. I made him feel fat (never said a word about his weight gain), I was fat (I weigh about 110 lbs and am 5’2″ – 5’3″), I didn’t give him enough attention, I wouldn’t cook the meals he wanted just so, I didn’t drink (I get headaches from alcohol, but never said you can’t drink), I didn’t appreciate the fact he wanted to go out with his girlfriend for dinner or concerts – which really made him wonder about my commitment to our relationship (WTF?), and yes, the list goes on…..oh and our son? well that was a problem too, because well, I couldn’t pay all my attention to him, because I focused on our child too much… and really, was this his son anyhow? how did he know for sure…ok venting done.

    • “I didn’t appreciate the fact he wanted to go out with his girlfriend for dinner or concerts – which really made him wonder about my commitment to our relationship (WTF?)”

      HAHAHAHAHA!!! Seriously, folks, these excuses are mind-blowing…

        • Yeah, he’s a prize. When I offered up a DNA test right away, he backed off and yeah, how horrible of me not to understand about his going out with his girlfriend. I am a horrible monster 🙂

    • Weird, don wit. After ex and I moved in together I suggested he join me on my savings account, with both of us putting money into it for the future. I’ve always been a saver and he has never been. My suggestion was met with an attitude like I was trying to control him. I wasn’t, I was just thinking long-term. So I kept my savings and all through our many years together I always invested, had a savings and always had a stash of cash around the house, which bailed us out a few times when he fucked up.

      Today, I have an excellent savings, he saves nothing, and he is no longer employed, while I, the SAHM for nearly a decade, is working my ass off to get ahead.

      I’m kind of laughing because he has a very young final OW who seems to be bankrolling a lot of things for him. Actually, I’m really laughing because I*m putting my financial life back together while his falls apart. And final OW has him under much more of a close eye than I ever did so I figure his life kind of sucks, particularly since she doesn’t cook, something he apparently ‘jokes’ about regularly (his passive aggressive way of saying ‘cook for me, bitch’).

      My advice is sit back and watch how their fucked up ways don’t fly in the long run.

  • “You didn’t respect me” (translation: you don’t oooo and ahhh over every soundbite that comes out of my mouth as if it were a deep insight only a super advanced intellect could have)

    “I projected my need for my father’s approval (SAY WHAT?!!) on to you and that was wrong”

    ……oh go mindfuck yourself……

  • Holy cow, blue! Did we marry the same jerk? I got all but 4 of the items you posted above. And although I didn’t get the armpit one, I was told I wasn’t sexy enough b/c I wouldn’t get a full brazilian wax (his preference). I also was told that he had implied he was unhappy all along, I just wasn’t listening!! So he had to cheat, so I would finally pay attention to “his pain” and how broken he is (because I broke him).

    • Oh, lord, yes! I just remembered the Great Pubic Hair War when I refused to submit to a full Brazilian wax just because he wanted to see what it felt like!!!

      Then YOU go do it, not me!

    • Trust me when I tell ya………..going brazillian doesn’t insure that he won’t cheat!!! I did and he still found other reasons!!!!!

      But now……someone else can benefit from my brazillian wax!!! Yay!

      • It’s fun to go hair-free here and there and it can be sexy but as a requirement? No. I am not into looking like I did before I hit puberty on a regular basis. I am slightly thankful ex never had any hangup about this, although we did have fun when I divested myself of hair for a bit of a change up.

        • I had been getting Brazilian waxes every 2-3 weeks for 6 years (god forbid there was a hair) and had a boob job (his insistence) and he still cheated! It made no difference.

          Except the shocker is the OW was flat chested when the affair started but then had the same boob job by my plastic surgeon. Oh and if I had had kids he insisted I get a C section so I remained ” tight” and thought i could have a tummy tuck on the operating table ( you know after I gave birth) bc god forbid my stomach not be flat. His OW is pregnant now I wonder if he will be so strict with her level of perfection! Hahaha.

          • SEriously? He insisted on a surgical procedure to keep you ‘tight’? What an absolute shallow asshole. I’m literally shocked.

            • Oh he was/is a prize. The idea that I remain “tight” was towards the end so really nothing was shocking anymore. Now that we are divorcing, I feel like an innocent man being freed from death row.

              • oh my, your STBX is a piece of work..maybe after the baby is born (since they don’t do C-sections on demand) he can have a surgery to increase his size…just a thought…you know…then again if he was so worried about keeping you tight that he might not have much down there to work with 😉

  • Oh man this stuff is good. Anything to justify…

    1. your tone of voice when I said things. Yep. Apparently I was mad all the time.
    2. I’m not spontaneous
    3. I didn’t clean enough
    4. I didn’t lose weight
    5. I wasn’t adventurous
    6. I wouldn’t get a full time job

    Now here’s the thing… aside from #4 all of those things existed when we met. I didn’t suddenly stop taking risks. I have always been a more cautious person.
    My tone of voice? Huh I WONDER why I’m pissed but no, let’s blame me instead of wondering WHY I sound the way I sound!!

    Full time job. Oh sure it’s ok for me to figure out every single child care activity issue, do the errands, cooking & cleaning while I work full time, too. SUre. I’ll get right on that.
    Funny thing is..now I HAVE to work more and still figure crap out. Gah! 😉

    Like CL I was told he was turning 50 (in a few days) and didn’t want to live his life like this anymore.
    What? And here I thought things were going “ok” recently.

  • here is another one; “she was relentless (1st OW) and wouldn’t let up and I let my old habits get the best of me and ruin/tarnish the purest, truest love I have ever known, I am sorry, I never meant for any of this.”

    Next it would be that she raped him over and over for 3 years lol! What about the others?
    Geez old habits? Serial cheating and lying that is.. I guess his old habits were never old, WOOF WOOF!!

    • ‘I never meant for this to happen’. yeah, well, what? What did you not mean to happen? The numerous flings? the final OW? The bomb thrown into my life and our children’s lives? These folks say some seriously stupid stuff that sort of sounds nice until you actually listen to it.

    • Yep. I instructed my daughter: If you ever hear this line, you will KNOW there is another woman somewhere who has given him this funny idea of what “respect” is. Like bj(s) in parked cars. “Respect”

      To this very day, even with a baby that was born 6 months before the divorce was final, the ex still says it was all about how I didn’t respect him.

      REAL MEN don’t need pats on the head (either one) in order to live their lives.

        • Thank you, Scotty.

          Daughter is getting married soon. Ex is so deep into the “you didn’t respect me” delusion, that he wants me to be sure to sit down with daughter and explain to her how important “respect” is to men. Even when they’re not acting respectable, I guess.

          I asked him what he would do to future son-in-law if he ever caught him cheating on our daughter. Haven’t heard back on that one yet. Probably has to ask the Owife for his opinion.

          • My Ex said that he wouldn’t have a problem if a future son-in-law cheated, or if our daughter had an affair with a married man . Sooooo messed up in his thinking.

            And the OW constantly tells him, and everyone she comes in contact with, how disrespectful his kids are to him (though he’s yet to show an ounce of respect to them or me! But I guess that’s ok).

            Yep, Scotty you are So right !!

      • my ex also said “what man in his right mind would turn down bj(s) in a car in a parking lot?” my answer ” a man who has character, who is decent with integrity, morals, a good man who loves and respects his woman and loyal.” which obviously he has none of those qualities and just from his answer tells me, if there was another opportunity he wouldn’t hesitate for one second to act on it. Pathetic, disgusting loser!

  • “I didn’t think you loved me anymore.”

    Read: you spent too much time with the kids and volunteering and doing everything at home, and when I came home at random times and offered to give you some attention (sex) you didn’t jump at the chance! Wtf? Why didn’t you jump?

    “I can’t think here (with me and the kids) I need to sort my head out.”

    Read: you’re demanding that I be a grown up and I don’t want to. I want to go screw the whore around the corner and do what I want when I want to, and be a teenager, AND EAT CAKE DAMMIT!

    • Oh yeah, now that it’s here I’ve decided it’s all too much for me.
      I want to be a kid w/ no responsibilities and do whatever I want w/o you nagging at me.

  • I met my husband when I was 15. I am now 61. High school sweet hearts and I was “crazy in crush” with him but we broke up as often as we were “together”. Went our separate ways in college – got back together junior year of undergrad. Guess who had just dumped him? Sorority chick from his school. Didn’t know about her until he started getting grumpier and more miserable than he had ever been in spite of my cheery spackle and agreement to support him in his own business ventures with my salary and benefits as a teacher during our 36 year marriage.

    Then I found a text that he had been thinking of her. Clam shell tightlipped misery ensued and how dare I even ask if there was someone else? Although she’s still married for 30 years, she gives him the high sign that she’s ready and off he goes. 4 beautiful granddaughters don’t matter. Son to be married doesn’t matter, adult daughter moving home to be within a mile of our age in place house doesn’t matter. “I just realized family is not that important, there’s too much else I want to do.”

    She’s married to a fella who “can’t take care of her”. She needs to be happy. Her husband calls me and lets me know that my husband had stalked said sorority chick OW to reconnect by roaming her old high school halls and finding yearbooks to look her up asking random people on said high school’s soccer fields if they knew her married name. He blames himself for not giving her everything she ever wanted and acknowledges a drinking issue.

    My narcissist told me after he walked out leaving no forwarding address, he didn’t want a divorce – just a legal separation. Cake with frosting PILED HIGH. Could we please just take a piece of paper to a notary and work that part out? And if you DON’T cooperate, I’ll take your pension. These threats coming as I find out about bank accounts, loans, funny financing and the ability to spend $40,000 a year on fun with her.

    I filed immediately but he won’t divorce me after 2 1/2 years of stalling – won’t provide info – I file motions to compel, motions for sanctions as I seek equitable distribution of considerable assets. He’s hired lawyer #3 who looks and behaves EXACTLY like his hypochondriac mother.

    And do you want to know WHY he needed to get out, go live a new life, be free of me?
    As they say, “wait for it”….. I went to our high school prom with someone else…

    • OMG, that is seriously a fucked up excuse. What I don’t get is how you aren’t divorced yet. WTF is he doing that could hold it up for 2.5 years?

      • And how can he stop the divorce from going through? Fuck that noise. Get your lawyer to PUSH HARD and make it happen.

        • That’s crazy! In Oregon if they are served and they don’t respond then you get divorced by default judgement.

    • So sorry! What a….can’t think of a foul enough word for it. “Family not that important?” Strange how you discover an NPD type is so tenuously connected to what we assume are strong family bonds.

      • Exactly this: “Strange how you discover an NPD type is so tenuously connected to what we assume are strong family bonds.” It’s mind-blowing…

    • Wow, 40+ years later he is holding a grudge about going to the prom with someone else? That is one tiny mind if he can’t think of anything better than that!

  • “She’s everything you’re not…she’s short, she likes heavy metal, she likes bars and drinks beer, and (his emphasis) SHE has a full time job!”

    Sounds like a fine, fine woman to me!

    • I’m so sorry, this had me laughing – I think he’s with my h’s ow. Is she also a married mother who “really Nic, she helps people.”? What in the sam hill? Fine woman indeed!

    • C’mon now! I heard that one too. It’s true though, I didn’t mind because he treated me so poorly that I was not at all connected to him on any level. However, I still never ever cheated on him.

    • When he stopped the sex, I knew he was getting it from somewhere, and I had a good idea from where. I didn’t want the STDs that the OW had probably picked up from innumerable 1-night stands. Honestly, she spread her legs for anyone who’d buy her a drink–and she drinks lots!

  • After 20 years of giving him the porn-style sex he demanded anytime he wanted it, I was told that it was the “little things” the OW did like hold his hand or rub his back. This in spite of the fact that he would pull away any time I would do anything of the sort and was scolded anytime I was looking for anything that resembled intimacy (a kiss, touch or kind words) because he suffered from PTSD and “You know I’m not capable of that”.

    • There’s a hockey saying from announcer Mike Lange, “Well scratch my back with a hack saw!” For some reason it just popped onto my head. Imagery is fun.

    • Man, this. I wasn’t affectionate enough but anytime I tried to lean in for a kiss he’d jog just lightly the other way or I’d go to touch his face and he’d do the same thing – germs you know. Finally I just stopped. I’d still hug all the time but that was conveniently forgotten.

  • He said that I was boring and fat.
    I guess that he did not look in the mirror much, but alas he did hog the mirror, but must have been imagining he was Jon Hamm!

    • Ha! I was overweight, out of shape and on a glide path to retirement. I did need to lose about 15 lbs., but I was not obese. I lost 20 lbs. real quick when he moved out, though. And I guess because I was not wracked with angst about turning 50 (like he was) that was a crime.

      The best one, though, was that I made too many potatoes. I actually made them maybe once a month because I knew they weren’t his favorite. After he moved out I ate baked potatoes with sour cream, baked potatoes with broccoli and cheese, baked potatoes with bacon, etc., etc. It was great.

      • Roslyn,

        My ex had a wicked aversion to onions. After he left, I think I bought and cooked with about 5 pounds of onions every week. Dick.

        • Here’s a weird one: ex rarely cooked when we were together and if he did he had 3 or 4 standard dishes (two of which sucked but I would choke down with a smile – to show him how much I ‘appreciated’ this massive effort of cooking every few months). Well, final OW isn’t much of a cook, so ex seemingly spends his time trying to re-create all my recipes (I’m a damned fine cook, btw) whilst dropping major hints to final ow about wanting to ‘come home to a fully cooked meal’.

          Poor thing will never taste my food again. Nor will anyone in his family. They LOVED my cooking and one of my treats at their birthdays was to cook them their favourite dishes (of mine)…dishes no one else knows how to make because I developed them myself.

          I do still cook them for my kids and apparently there is much consternation when my kids mention this to the various ex inlaws (and ex). 🙂

          • That’s great, Nord! My ex once said something about how he would maybe need to look for a recipe for (one of the extremely unusual/specific dishes I make). This was early on after dday, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to give him my recipe for the OW to make for him!

  • My cheater’s excuses were just a reflection of his fantastical sense of entitlement because they were so banal:

    The stress at work (cue Wolf of Wall Street – he was a stock broker)

    I was bored (his only interests: golf, gambling, physical fitness, screwing around- if he couldn’t do one because of weather or other logistics, he felt entitled to do one of the others – they seem to be interchangeable as hobbies)

    I deserved it: “it was my birthday, I made a big commission, I moved my bowels….”

    In the end, all signs pointed to what CL has said about the cheater’s “crap life skills.”

  • Well, I could never get him to admit to the first cheat even though I had a million bajillion emails that he and she had traded, among them cyber sex and lots of references to the times they were together. The 2nd time he at first denied the hotel bill I found indicating that he and she had met 1/2 way between their jobs to “do” the deed. He insisted that he paid for a room for a brother of a friend of his who was down on his luck and needed a place to stay for the night. It was just a weird coincidence where it was located. Later, he told me that if I hadn’t signed him up for Facebook he wouldn’t have been found by his old girlfriend so therefore, it was my fault that he cheated. I guess I should be grateful that at least this time, he admitted to cheating on me.

  • He wanted me to lose weight for him and said that the reason he was losing weight himself was for me (I never asked him to do that plus I thought he was losing too much of it). Now I know that the real reason he was working out was to impress OW.

    He said we were not a couple and that we should do more things together…but he just became more and more distant and did not make himself available to that because he was spending his time with OW.

    The day he asked for divorce he just said he didn’t love me or was attracted to me. Which was honest but dang, it still hurt.

    • Hat, a good man would love you. My ex said that too. He wasn’t attracted to me because I’d gained weight. Funny how your body responds to “something doesn’t quite make sense here” A narc is always looking for the next thrill and they say this crap to keep you from looking too closely at what they are doing. They are not looking for decent. So his opinion Doesn’t mean anything. What makes people attractive is their joy for life, their honesty, integrity, and sense of humor. Their resilience. Their ability to change. To do good things. I suspect these traits were largely absent in our spouses. Not at first but as time progressed. I work with infants and each and every one of them is beautiful. Fat, bald, fussy. Each has a quality that makes him/her special and I believe each has a gift to share with the world. I suspect Chumps have a lot more in common with babies and blessings than Narcs ever will.

    • Nat-Just know that you are beautiful & if you wanted to lose weight for yourself then you do it for yourself. By the way, you probably lost a quick 175 when you divorced that cheater right? 🙂

      It didn’t matter if your ex lost a bunch of weight-he was an awful person on the inside. My stbx was constantly trying to convince me that I could get back down to 125 pounds but would need to get my tits done…..cuz don’t ya know he likes those barely legal porn stars and my having 2 c-sections in 1 year& half and breastfeeding our son ruined me for him.

      These days, me & my imperfect breasts, and adorable 4 yr old are setting up for a new, cheater free life while my bald, 45 yr old stbx is running around paying for sex, tanning, taking steroids, doing the full monty shave/wax crap, and trying to furiously work out to find his future 3rd ex-wife. Blech! Meh or bust here!

      • well your fucktard STBX can suck it! not your boobs that is. Your boobs are sexual and functional, they were working boobs to feed your child. SOB should’ve been grateful that you gave your son a gift, his own mothers milk and he complained about that because it ruined your breasts for him? Wow talk about a selfish POS pig! enough said..

  • Blameshifting? Well, he’d have to admit he cheated, right? LOL…

    The blameshifting he did while trying to get me to reconcile (read: feed him more cake) involved swearing to high heaven that he “DID NOT HAVE A PROFILE ON MATCH.” They screwed up, some mix-up!

    Dude, I saw it. I watched it go “online now.” Did Match do that? Did Match take your profile offline, then invisible as soon as you got my email saying I’m done? Did Match change your screenname, your profile content and add another photo (of you)?

    Later, while he stalked me relentlessly, he just stopped mentioning the cheating altogether. If he doesn’t acknowledge, it didn’t happen, I guess. Poor sausage; he’s one of the ones who needs a home base while he cheats, and it went away, stayed NC, and found someone else.

  • My husband tol me that ne of the reasons he cheated on me was because I would come home from work at night and clean the house!!

      • I got something similar. He didn’t like that when he came home from work I said “your dinner is in the microwave to keep warm” instead of dropping everything and kissing him every night. Delusional!

        Hope he’s enjoying his Six Dollar Burger for the 545th time.

        • Oh yes, I didn’t run to the door and smooch him when he came home. Why? Because his return was unpredictable and usually when one of the following were going on:

          1. In the middle of cooking dinner
          2. In the middle of cooking dinner while supervising homework
          3. In the middle of cooking dinner while supervising homework and attending to chores
          4. In the middle of cooking dinner while supervising homework and attending to chores and moderating an argument between the kids.

          And you know what? I could have dropped everything, run to the door and given him a big old smack on the lips. Except he didn’t really want that. And maybe he could have run to me once in awhile and shown he was happy to be home?

          Gah…

          • Nord,

            I did run to the door and smooched him everyday, it didn’t matter. The fact was after getting a bj in a car he was coming home and acted like he was really happy to see me, hugging me tight and returning my kiss. These are just excuses and justifications. No matter what you do you cant win. They will cheat regardless because that’s who they are.

  • Heard a lot of the more normal ones like some listed above. I also heard:

    1. I held a grudge against you for the last 15 years and can never trust you again. (You know, he would never tell me what it was, so I have no idea! Not like I ever cheated on him or anything!).
    2. You manipulated me into having our kids (um, no, I warned you it might not be a “safe” time and YOU chose to, um, you know, without being careful).

    But the two that made me think he was crazy or the aliens had come and taken him were:

    1. I didn’t wash the walls (actually that’s not true, I have at least once.. LOL). and….
    2. I didn’t hem curtains. (Yep, I mentioned this before.. it’s not 1940 anymore……).

    • I manipulated my ex into marrying and having children. Not one child, not two, but THREE! And into buying me stuff. Like the promise ring when we were twenty. Lol…and building a custom home on 20 acres and getting pets( more responsibilities you know) and paying for our children to go to college. All NOT what he wanted. Then GET off the TRAIN. Give him his disordered fuck and life with OW. So happy for ME! Now she gets to tell him how to live. Starting with, “divorce your WIFE…..” When the sex gets old and it will he will be on to something, anything, new.

  • “you spend too much time on your phone” (said while on the couch watching TV)

    Wait a minute, I would work all day (just like him), pick up the baby from daycare, give her a bath, put her to bed, and THEN get about 5 minutes to myself! And, you know what I was looking at on my phone most of the time….Pinterest. Family, kid, home life pins to make our life at home more fun because family always came first to me!

  • He cheated on me because I didn’t like movies, I didn’t want to have kids (although he always told me he didn’t want them so him wanting them immediately was news to me), I was too independent and I didn’t touch him enough (he actually counted how many times I touched him on a given day).

    Sorry asshole, it’s tough to give you affection when you sit in a chair and play video games all day long.

  • I don’t cook and clean often !!! Lol any of my friends can come to the house and see it’s clean.. And I do make dinners,I have kids!! Also at Counceling he told counceler complaining about my job, that I dont get retirement and that I could have bettered myself!!! What an ass!!!!

  • He tried to say that I gained weight before we got married, the garage and/or my closet was a mess (the garage is his shit & why does he care if my closet is a mess?) he deserves his privacy (WTF-your married you asshole!!) The hits just keep on coming!!

    The best one was when I caught him at the Asian Massage Parlor (cough, hooker palace) he said that he knew I wouldn’t be ok with it but went anyways…………..
    And then, (wait for it) He was angry with me because I violated his trust by using the find my iPhone app to catch him there

    When I told him it was over he proceeded to tell me that I was going to ruin our 4 year olds life.

    Total disordered fucking wing nut! Can’t wait till it’s finally over

  • It’s unbelievable how many of these I’ve heard, particularly the “no win” ones where I’m simultaneously too fat and too skinny, pay too much and too little attention to the kids, and spend too much time at work then I’m a lazy, TV-watching, bonbon eating SAHM.

    The only one I have to add is that he said he needed to have affairs because he was fat as a child. I have never, ever nagged him about his weight. But previous girlfriends and the OW have ha ha ha.

  • I got a lot of lame reasons and rationalizations following D-day. A fair amount of that involved blameshifting, and most of it was absurd. This is one that stands out in my memory:

    “You always put wooden-handled utensils in the dishwasher”

    • I’m going to have to say that you shouldn’t put wood in the dishwasher but I wouldn’t cheat on you for it. 😉

    • Wooden-handled utensils in the dishwasher??? Do they get wetter in there than laying in a sink full of water?

      Okay, I know a guy that goes ballistic because his wife washes the cast iron skillet with soap and water (I do too, then oil it – but my take is if he cares so much then he should clean it). BUT he hasn’t used this as an excuse to cheat so I gotta give him some credit!

  • I got:

    * You are trivial (I got a PhD, I read, I have a job, I have a conversation, interests outside of work, have lived in two different countries, but I am trivial?? – his APs tend to be people with no conversation!!)
    * You don’t walk as much as I want you to (OK, so I got bad knees and I can’t run around in the hills, but I still go hiking – not like he hikes every weekend, he doesn’t really).
    * I got cheated on before (so it’s someone else’s fault).

  • “I like to drink wine with my dinner but you don’t like wine” and “I like coffee and you don’t”. But I didn’t drink wine or coffee 20 years ago when he told me he would love me forever.

  • I had a conversation with my STBX and he was starting to complain about his relationship with his current GF. It was then he took it upon himself to inform me that if, perhaps, we discovered my “G Spot” it would have helped our marriage survive.

    • When I discovered my ex’s journal and read about what was really going on with him (in love with coworker) he told me it made him pretty damn mad that I’d get into his private stuff. I immediately shot back “It makes me pretty damn mad you’re in love with another woman.” He had no comeback to that.

      • Oh my god – I got this – when I found the box of all his mementos from her or activities with her- I violated his privacy is what he said. Yet where did I find this box of his things – in MY garage! Shit it wasn’t like I went tearing through his car or something explicitly his – he stored those things in my HOUSE!!! I through it all awayl.

  • There’s a back story one of my crazy blameshifts, the one that felt the worst!
    When I was 18, I got a scholarship, for four yrs, to a really great University. My parents were right in the middle of a heart-breaking divorce, and everyone was falling apart. In my devastated mind I thought ‘I can’t go to school, fuck it, I ‘ll just give it back’.
    I actually ended up moving East with my sister and Mom, so she could get away from X and start over. But, all my life, I knew I made a mistake, and wanted to fix that.
    When I went to college in my forties, it was a big deal, and it was so hard. X- husband felt so neglected, I had to study all the time!
    He started his affair in MY LAST MONTH OF MY LAST SEMESTER. It still makes my blood boil! He told me- “i was always alone, you were so busy, and I got lonely”. (Enter crazy neighbor with lazy morals).
    This still stuns me, every time I think about it.

    • Please tell us you finished. Hope you are doing well. That’s awesome and very hard to do, being a “non-traditional college student”.
      Patty Too, he must have been so very jealous of your intelligence, motivation and perseverance. They are child men. If we don’t play the game the exact way they want they just take the ball and go home.

      • I finished, got a 95 on my xray license exam, and then played Pick Me for three years! Left him last November on my birthday. It was a whirlwind, but we Chumps survive somehow. Thanks for caring! I can see now, he must have been threatened by my success, but why? I always built him up, and led the cheers for everything HE did.
        Like they say- what a waste.

      • Oh, and I just remembered, he used to ‘joke’ that he would love to keep me pregnant and barefoot, chained to the stove.

    • PattyToo, what an asshole your ex is. You are finally doing something for yourself and he chooses this exact moment to fuck up your life massively? Reminds me of ex, who chose to amp up his serial cheating to a full-blown love affair right at the moment when the kids were going through a lot of bullshit, I was struggling and we really needed him like we had never needed him before. After I discovered the final OW the rest was revealed: years of affairs and flings. But it was still all my fault – or at least partly. As he said, during one argument ‘what about what you did?’. What did I do? I didn’t pay enough attention to him. Why didn’t I put my full and 100% attention on him 100% of the time? Because my kids had been through a lot of stuff in the preceding years (long story, most of it due to ex and his choices that impacted the family) and they needed me. But I was still there for him full on but it wasn’t enough.

      So in the end it all came down to him wanting a relationship like his parents had/have. Which would have meant me being even more of a doormat. No. Thank. You.

  • He just wanted attention! He has no one to talk to all day (while I work more than full time, he’s blissfully “retired” and the toddler is in full time day care)! He’s “helping” these women and they are getting more out of their illicit relationships than he is (translation: I did these gals a big favor by letting them blow me). I watch tv with our daughter IN OUR BED before putting her to bed at night (I heard that one at least 20 times after DDay). He HAD to tell his morbidly obese lover that he was thinking of her while in the hot tub or she would POUT ABOUT HURT FEELINGS, DAMMIT! Plus, he had to fuck her one last time bf our wedding (it wasn’t the last of course) because she was PESTERING him! When his brother was teasing me that my husband paid all sorts of contractors to do chores he could do himself, I replied that I didn’t care, as long as I come home to a happy husband every night (see, anyone would understand that I was issuing license to cheat by that statement….. ). Uggh. I could go on forever, but they really are the same.

  • While hilarious, this excuse may be closer to the truth than most! 😉

    Flip Wilson as “Geraldine” in, “The Devil Made Me Do It!”

    • Brilliant not you. We absolutely loved Flip Wilson in our home when I was growing up. They don’t make them like that any more. Very funny indeed.

      • Yeah, it baffled me when he said it. Later, he told me he was diagnosed with Aspergers, so maybe in his mind the dog barking really played a part in his emotional undoing…?? Gah?

  • “She’s everything you’re not – she’s short, she likes heavy metal, she goes to bars and she drinks beer. And SHE (his emphasis) has a full time job.”

    Later on I was told it was because I wouldn’t let him play golf. Bear in mind he didn’t play golf the entire time we were married. As a matter of fact, he’d tell me golf was a stupid game. I guess her affinity for little balls whetted his desire.

  • You never asked me what was wrong. Ok, you asked once.

    Apparently volunteering that something was wrong was too much for the special snowflake – although something must have been wrong for many years because he was cheating for a long, long time.

    • I something similar “You never asked if I was happy.” So if I had asked, you would have told me the truth? Like you didn’t tell me the truth when you said you loved me twice a day, every day until the day you told me you hadn’t loved me for years?

      My retort was that I couldn’t ask if he was happy every couple of weeks for 28 year, because then I would have been nagging him and that would have made him unhappy!

      Oh, and by the way, he never asked me until DDay (his attempt to get me to start the breakup instead of him).

  • “You were too kid centric and you settled for being a college professor”….Really? Well somebody had to take care of the kids while she pursued her career as a part-time shop girl in a boutique, a part time Zumba instructor, and part-time Advocare distributor…HOLY SHIT reading this makes me realize what a dumbass I married!!! … Meh you are glorious!

    • Cletus, you cared too much for YOUR KIDS?? You “settled” for being a COLLEGE PROFESSOR? How the hell is that “settling”? And this coming from a part-time clerk and Zumba instructor? Jeez these people suck. And they’re dumb. Just sayin’…

    • You settled for being a college professor? You are horrible! How could you settle for an esteemed position that garners respect and is based on intelligence, hard work and perseverance!

    • And yeah, the further away you get the more you kick yourself for realising you married a dumb ass. My therapist even told me once (she had met ex a number of times in early therapy/spackling mode) that she didn’t understand how I was with him for so long. She got the sexual tension but basically I was ten times as intelligent as he was and she couldn’t understand why I would want him for a mate. Quite the eye-opener.

    • My exH told me it was _MY_ fault he settled for being a college professor.

      Um, no. You never told me it was not what you wanted…plus, I encouraged the new profession (where he met the OWife)

  • Breastfeeding. He said he finds it disgusting and he’s afraid milk will squirt in his face if he touches my boob. Then he actually said “moo.”

    • Ahhh – this too – he was a dairy farmer when we first married – no money AT ALL – I nursed the 3 children – my boobs got too small – that’s why he made a pass at my sister in law – he’s a breast man dontcha know?? : )

        • Yeah – I know words like staunchion and double herringbone parlor and first calf heifer. I can expound on the difference between alfalfa and timothy hay and why a hayride is not a hayride at all but a strawride instead. Cows don’t know when its Christmas and they need to be milked 2x/day 365. And that’s what we did. And learning all of that and CARING about it entitled me to, honest to goodness, right hand to the creator, a roll of duct tape and a 10 pound bag of birdseed one year for my Christmas present. Because that’s what he could lift from the Agway on his way home, last minute.

          But now dontcha know, “Don’t call me a FARMER – I’m an ag businessman”!!!!
          Oh golly, he’s an “entre-manure” who can afford to set up a business for my son (who now won’t speak to me cuz it’ll mean RUINATION for him and his dad IF the master makes him settle) Nowadays, he dazzles his chippy with diamonds, drinks the finest wines and demands that I meekly fold my tent because, “nobody tells me what to do”.

          BUT –

          “You wanna hear God laugh??? Tell him your plans” – My fav line from the absolutely wonderful AMAZING, most adorable, sweet and snort out my nose, make me laugh funny widower in my life. He’s mine, I’m his and we’re HAPPY. And Tracy, you have NEVER been more right when you state that when it’s really good, it’s just that wonderful – not work at all. I am blessed! : )

          • Nain! I am so happy for you! I write about farming (in another life), so I have a passing acquaintance with dairy farming. Can’t your ex fall into a manure pit or something?

            Birdseed and ducktape… what a charmer. Divorce master and dairies — you in Pennsylvania?

              • I think what bothers us most about these gifts is that there is so little thought behind them. I bet if he had loved you, bird seed and duck tape would have worked. Breast feeding is the best way to nurture infants. Nutrition, health benefits, and bonding! Bet those kids are smart!