Now I realize that some of you were spared the throw pillow gnashing, sleeping bag hopping, shrieking banshees and got the cold fish cheaters. The kind that just look at you wanly and shrug. Gig’s up. WTFever.
Today’s contest is for those of you with the flamboyant crazies. The OW who barfs in your toilet. The cheater who falls on the sofa, tossing pillows in spasm fits of self-pity. The hypochondriac who feigns a migraine just at the moment you ask a question. (“It’s like an ice pick in my head!”)
In short, the sort of cheater who having dealt you the sucker punch of betrayal wants to immediately make it all about THEIR pain — the mysterious pain of Cheater Affliction.
We shall award the winner of the first annual Dean McDermott Cake Antics Contest the “Golden Sleeping Bag” in honor of BarristerBelle’s crazy who jumped into a swimming pool at having been found out, then wrapped himself into a sleeping bag and bunny hopped away from his baffled family. (A story that lives here in chump infamy).
Mine did operatic, crazy “remorse” — but it was more of the “please don’t throw me out into the cold, cold winter!” variety. Wherever shall he sleep? Whatever shall he do? You would’ve thought he was a wounded little sparrow and not a 250-lb lawyer with a credit card.
His diverting cheater affliction was a stye on his eye. Didn’t matter the question. Didn’t matter the circumstance — we must IMMEDIATELY direct all attention to his agony. Where was he last night? Hey, there is a SWOLLEN BUMP ON MY EYELID! Stop the presses.
I think cheaters engage in dramatic cheater afflictions because they know what chumps we are — we’re empathetic chumps. They’re going to use that empathy against us, because it’s worked so well before. There we were making their needs so central, attending to their boo-boos, picking up the check — why would we stop now? Did we register anger and upset? Then the proper response is just to amplify their NEEDS, make them up if they have to, and quickly return all attention to them where it rightfully belongs.
I also think in crazy land — they really are in distress at the loss of cake, it really does feel horribly unjust. Recognizing the injustice they perpetrated on you with betrayal would require the higher cognitive functioning narcissists are incapable of. So they swallow the throw pillow instead.
So whatcha got, chumps?