Happy Mother’s Day chump moms!
Hope you’re sleeping in today, enjoying waffles later, and getting misty over some homemade kid’s creation. (A pottery ashtray? You shouldn’t have! A pipecleaner bracelet? I’ve always wanted one!) If you’re past the pipecleaner bracelet stage of life, I hope some surly teenager has awoken from his slumber long enough to give you a hug today, or your adult kid gives you a call.
To everyone who did not get the corsage today, is not standing in line for some over-priced brunch, and is doing this single mom gig alone and uncelebrated — let me just say — YOU ARE MIGHTY! And I get it. Because I lived it. The rewards are worth it. Please celebrate yourself, whether that’s an all day Netflix binge, chocolate for lunch, or whatever makes you feel indulged. Do it. You deserve it.
To everyone who is still married to a cheater they had kids with, who is not getting you the corsage, is not standing in line for some over-priced brunch, who is not celebrating you — let me just say — this is one of the punishments of breeding with a fucktard. Mother’s Day is a million times better alone with your kids than ignored by some passive aggressive lummox. Consider a life without the lummox.
To all the non-moms out there, I hope today you’re celebrating your mom and that you still have a mom around to celebrate.
I got a really sweet card from my son today, that his step-dad made him buy (good guy modeling!), but he wrote the inscription.
“Thanks for all your awesomeness. And for always being there for me. Love (Chump Kid).”
He’s 16. I got a LOVE. I got teenager kibbles! He gets that I was there for him!
This is so much better than a corsage.
Happy Mom’s Day everyone!
Thank you, CL! Happy Mother’s Day to you and to all the chump moms out there!
I’m swooning over your good guy who models good behavior…. *sigh*
Congrats on getting the love you deserve–IN WRITING!
I will have all my kids and my mom and dad with me today, and that is just perfect for me.
Big shout out to the chumpy dads who had to pick up the pieces and hold them together when the so-called “mom” walked out. I know it breaks these guys’ hearts that their kids don’t have a real mother–the kind whose heart beats for her babies, who would move mountains to do right by them and their father, who is a great example of a good wife. So happy Mother’s Day to you guys. You inspire me to find someone great like you.
Yeah, me too, Miss Sunshine.
I have to share your thoughts as well. BIG shout out to the chump fathers out there that have to pick up the pieces. I often joke that I get to celebrate myself for BOTH Mother’s Day AND Father’s Day…so I, too, want to recognize these men on Mother’s Day. :- )
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too, Tracy, and all of Chump Nation! My son lives out of state and we’ll talk when he wakes up (oh the perils of being a young adult). I talked to him last night and he told me how much he loved me, after telling me his dad tried to contact him again (he ignored the email).
Tracy, I had to google an image of lummox. Priceless.
Happy Mother’s Day, CL. Thanks for all you do. And Happy Mother’s Day to Chump Nation. Remember not just the mothers who gave birth to you, but the aunts, grandmas, neighbors, teachers and others who stood steadfast beside your mother when times were hard or who provided motherly love and support. As someone who had a challenging mother, I am grateful for the lessons I learned; I am grateful that she did a better job with me than her mother did with her; and I know she would have done better had she known how. For anyone who has a tough time on Mother’s Day, you are not alone. Give yourself a treat! I am taking myself to the movies!
Thank you, I needed that. I am currently suffering the silent treatment from my challenging mother for the last 6 weeks. It is not all roses and cookies for some of us, especially when you have a mother with severe mental issues that have gone untreated for years. This on/off has been going on my entire life, so I really have no happy thoughts about this holiday. And seeing all the happy children posting about their beloved moms doesn’t help. Instead, I have to somehow get up the courage to call a mother whose first response will be to martyrdom me for something I said 6 weeks ago. So I lie here putting it off so I don’t incur her wrath sooner than I need to.
Oh, and what I said was that she shouldn’t wear purple sweatpants to my uncle’s 75th bday party. And this is where we are now.
For those of you with normal moms, you have no idea how lucky you are.
There are normal moms?
heh. could not resist…
Growing up this was my least favorite holiday. I’m trying to remake it now. Know that you are far from alone. I never had a mother who would wear the corsage and go for brunch – it was always loaded with something and anything I did was wrong. Today I just made the call and kept it short. Borderline personality disorder + chump = tough day. However it’s a beautiful Sunday. Just another Sunday. I’m thinking about you today.
Yeah, we learn to do a lot of spackling and pick-me dancing as kids, some of us.
Happy Mother’s Day Tracy, and to everyone here !! I hope that you have a wonderful day !
And like Miss Sunshine (who said it perfectly) a huge shout out to the Dad’s here who took on both roles of parenting, celebrate and know that you are a shining example to your kids on what a parent, and a man should be.
“Mother’s Day is a million times better alone with your kids than ignored by some passive aggressive lummox. Consider a life without the lummox.”
THIS ^^^ How true!
Thank you CL aka Tracy!
Happy Mothers Day to all my chump family! I hope You all have a blast!! 🙂
Happy mother’s day to everyone!!! It’s great to share this day with fellow chumps!
I have 30 years of plants and shrubs at my former home from mother’s days.
Now the ow is living there, yep a woman I trusted.
They have successfully removed any trace of me from the family home, which makes it tricky for our grown daughters….who knows maybe all the amazing plantings are gone to.
Sorry folks, I am having a fuck me kinda day.
It seems that those that don’t play by the rules are enjoying life and those that did are left wondering just wtf happened.
I’m sorry you are having such a difficult day. I am sending good thoughts your way…
Thank you, Northern Light
And you can always plant more seeds-I have had to leave a garden that I put 20 years into.
Let’s both keep gardening!
Sure as soon as I get a yard again!
Yeah – shitty day for me. I’m not a mom, lost my own mom 30 yrs ago and, after knowing and loving my mother-in-law for over 36 yrs, I can no longer contact her because of what her cheating #1 son did to me. (just too awkward) So, curled up in fetal position waiting for the day to end.
I do wish all your mighty moms and mom-dads out the a wonderful Mothers’ Day.
This site always cheers me up.
I hate to say that misery loves company, but it kinda does. I’m sorry you’re having a crap day. My husband’s daughters have been calling me on FaceTime, but I haven’t answered because I’m so down. Besides, it’s not likely they’ve remembered it’s Mother’s Day.
I’m going through the motions of the day but the primary thought occupying my day is of my cheating spouse which I wrote about on my own blog.
But the realization I’m having today is that, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how good I can make myself look, no matter who I end up with (even if I “trade up”), my husband has justified his behavior towards me and he feels no remorse.
The man I loved and gave everything to feels no remorse. I mean, it doesn’t even compute. He has simply moved on with his life and his new vagina.
I know it’s not uncommon. I can see it here on CL. But I’m still in utter shock. Seven months since D-Day and I’m still in shock. I’m desperately trying to hold on to the hope that there are good men out there who are NOT at the mercy of their genitals.
There are, aren’t there?
I’m with you on that. It’s terrible, but every nice man I come across (I am only 3 months out from my first(and last) dday and not looking at men to date, just meeting new people in general) I can’t stop thinking that the men I am around would probably do the same thing my husband did. I’m at a point where I don’t trust anyone and especially men, although it’s not fair. The world has become a dark and ugly place that I don’t like because of what He has done to me. How long does this feeling last? I wish I knew.
Hugs to you, though. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Wish I knew the magic fix for all of us here, but I know there is nothing but time and pain to go through before there can be hope of a different life.
Truly. It is not fair that this experience has changed us this way. I pray that I don’t see the world (and men) as “dark and ugly” for too long. Life is short and I hate wasting it this way. Thanks for commiserating, RNE.
I’m a couple years out from my last D-day, 5 years from the first. Just wanted to chime on to say it gets better. No magic pill, alas. Time and distance are the only sure-fire ways to encourage healing, but there’s no shortcut, I think.
Happy Sunday, all.
Thanks, LilyBart. It helps a lot to hear from women who have walked this path before me.
I’m a year from dday (this week actually) and I feel this way as well. It makes me sad bc there are some very genuine men that I know and have met over the last year – all I think is “when are you going to lie to me?” I push them away. I was talking about it yesterday with a friend – I don’t ever want to get married again, have to put trust in someone to be honest, live with someone. It just seems too scary. I was with this person for 10 years – he lied the entire time. Every interaction I have with men now, I break it apart to find the lie. It’s not healthy. I’m really hoping it subsides soon. I want my daughter to see how a functioning relationship works, and I sure as shit know that model isn’t going to come from jerkface and his whore. I’d like to, at some point, give her that good example myself. Here’s hoping to getting past this feeling!
I hope it subsides soon for you, RJam, and for the rest of us as well.
I feel that I want love in my life again, someday, but it has to be an exceptional love. I compromised last time, and I don’t want to do that again. Maybe I’m being naive, but I figure if it can’t be great, then I don’t want to bother. But the idea of getting to know someone from scratch just seems so daunting. And the idea of being comfortable with someone sexually seems impossible, yet it is what I want. And I can’t even start to address the trust issues that I never had before. It is truly overwhelming. I guess for now we just have faith that we’ll get through it.
Don’t you worry about the male of the species just now. You are still recovering, like me, and you have a huge goal. You are losing weight for you–for your health, to feel good and be strong, and to look your best. And yup, your husband, the Jackass, and the spouses/partners of all of us Chumps justify their behavior, the way they cheated, lied and betrayed us, and they either feel no remorse or they have it well hidden. Nothing we can do about that. What we can do is make awesome lives for ourselves and pretty soon they will just be people we used to know and don’t care to know any more.
LovedaJackass, wise words. Thank you. I have been keeping my head down as far as other men go. I want to be more whole if/when I get back into that realm.
Interesting that my husband used to always talk about getting revenge on this person and on that person and I’d always say, “Living well is the best revenge” but he disagreed with that sentiment. But as you say, making “awesome lives for ourselves” is how we will eventually put them behind us. He can go on wanting revenge on people. I’ll go on to have a happy life.
My ex never celebrated mother’s day. My son always made those little kid things, but nothing from my ex.
My son bought me a decadent goat milk chocolate that I love (and have allergies to – but it’s my once in a blue moon pleasure) – he’s 16 and again am happy that he continues to think of me on mother’s day even though it has never been modeled for him by his dad.
Got a big hug from him at midnight too – saying he wanted to be the first to say happy mother’s day 🙂 all gushy inside
That is wonderful Donwit – you have an awesome son, who will someday be a thougtful husband and father. There is hope for the next generation – Happy Mother’s Day 🙂
Thank you Chump Lady, brought a tear. Happy Mother’s Day to all!
Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I hope you find a sliver of peace today ,, maybe our God of courage strength & hope will let a little sun light shine on your face today so you can feel happy and enjoy a little peace,,,,, if just for today.
You all deserve that 🙂
My just-turned-18yo son brought me a cup of coffee in bed this morning. He makes me smile. The kids will be taking me out for brunch NEXT weekend because this weekend all the good places are crowded and crazy. Life is so much better without the lummox.
I hope all of my fellow chumps have a good mother’s day!
Thanks, CL. I needed this today. I am still struggling with the fact that I model good behavior (I help my kids buy their father a birthday present, Christmas present, Father’s Day present, etc.) I don’t do this because I have any respect for their jackass of a father but because I want them to treat people well as they grow older–they need to develop the habits of kindness and conscientiousness and gratitude. (I really boil over the fact that he probably thinks these gestures all come from the kids or that I do them out of guilt for ending our marriage or to “win” him back or some other narcissistic reason–but I just keep plugging on out of concern that my children need me to model good behavior not anger and resentment.) I wish I were big enough not to be annoyed that I need to remind my kids myself what today is–but I’ve done it with a smile and a long term plan that this patience will be rewarded once they are old enough to remember these sorts of things on their own.
I echo everyone’s best wishes and celebration of all the other parents out there who are celebrating motherhood in awkward ways–by being responsible single fathers or lonely single mothers or divorced mothers or ignored mothers or step-mothers to some other woman’s children. And congratulations, too, to all of you who aren’t having an awkward day and are enjoying the so-well-deserved cup of coffee, homemade card, bunch of flowers, or other warm gestures from your kids who have turned out so well despite struggling with so much.
I am in the same boat…had to remind son about Mother’s Day and upcoming Father’s Day. Yet, here I sit while he does the morning dishes, and I surf while eating chocolate for lunch:-) Hang in there and may your reward be warm and kind young adults!
Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers..and daughter & sons of Mothers! May you be strong and be honest. Integrity & love, the greatest gifts (next to pipe cleaner jewelry, of course 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day to my fellow chumpy moms. Just remember we rock & our kids know it. My 4 yr old made a cute project at his school & where they asked him what mommy was best at and my little man said that I was a smart mommy & i knew how to be happy for me & him. Sigh……..I love that boy so much-he is my rock.
But alas, fucktard is still here & they have been gone for an hour Im sure trying to get me a mothers day present cuz you know he has time & money for everything else but me.
Sounds like you have a great son. Let me guess,the present will be from the drugstore.
I know the feeling “time and money for everything else but me”. I got a Charlie Brown card.
I just want out of here.Went to church yesterday visiting my daughter.it made me cry. Happy Mother’s Day to you and all of chump nation!
Happy Mother’s Day, Chump Nation! (Especially to you, Tracy, for giving us this great place to heal and bitch and commiserate, and for always saying the right thing at the right time. No idea how you do that…..)
Yesterday I went out with youngest son, walked by the ocean, ate dinner at his place, then to the symphony (Samuel Barber “Adagio for Strings” was one of the pieces, my absolute favourite bit of music – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGMwNe9WWmE).
Today will be e-mais with son in Montreal, grocery shopping with the oldest and his girlfriend and then a nice home cooked dinner after.
Best Mother’s Day I think I have ever had. No drama, no last minute inappropriate choice of restaurant because Toddler Boi forgot it was Mother’s Day, no afterthought gifts (a garden hose, half-dead chrysanthemums from the gas station, a breakfast consisting of things I don’t eat bacause he didn’t think to buy anything I liked the day before). I won’t be on guard all day wondering what is going to f**k up and what I will need to fix, won’t be protecting my kids from TB’s choices, won’t be wanting to run away all day to get away from him. There is a kind of peace in my soul today that I haven’t had for years and years, and I am so incredibly grateful.
Happiness and love to all of you, and may the bonds with your children just get stronger and deeper and more joyful, and your life better and better wherever you are in the process of finding your life again.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
This morning, my thirteen year old son joined me and our dog for a walk around my favorite local pond. Now he’s out mowing the lawn.
My seventeen year old just gave me a shell chime he bought at Rite Aid and a note that is something I’ll treasure… “…It is very difficult to get something for someone who has given everything to me. Thank you for being the best mom I could ever ask for. You are not only a great mother, but a great role model. I love, you, thank you and Happy Mother’s Day.”
My eighteen year old son had X drive him over to pick up his social security card so he can start work tomorrow. Thankfully, I was out and didn’t have to see X, but would have liked it if my son had stuck around. He got what he needed then left with his father.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Happy Mother’s Day moms!
Mother’s Day is not my favourite day. I made sure my sons had gifts and cards for cheat, and am going to visit my mother alone, because her dementia makes her too unpredictable for me to feel comfortable bringing t he boys. At the mother’s day celebration at my younger son’s school, the principal opined that when you call out for your mother at night, she always comes. In my family, the night time call of “Mom!” is usually answered by me.
There’s my venting. To all of you wonderful mothers out there, I wish you a wonderful, wonderful day.
ANR, I so get this. My mum had dementia for many years due to Parkinsons, and one of the manifestations was that she was afraid of people that she didn’t know. I couldn’t take the boys to see her for the last couple of years because she didn’t even know who I was, and it would have been far too traumatic for them. It was bad enough for me. I spent a lot of time crying in my car after seeing her, knowing that my mum really wasn’t there any more.
She died six months after STBX left, just after Mother’s Day 2012. Her one last gift to me was a week before she died, when she regained a little bit of herself. We had tea, listened to music, and she actually smiled at me. I think she may have recognized me there at the end.
She was a good woman who had a lot of challenges in her life. She did the best she could raising me and my sisters. I still remember the times (too seldom) that we had fun together, and I hope that at the end she still remembered that her family loved her.
Strength to you, ANR. It is a hard road. Be kind to yourself today, and take pride in being mum to those kids.
Thanks! My mom was a controlling woman who had me act as an emotional crutch when I was too small to know how wrong that was and repeatedly tore me down. So that makes it harder.
Sorry to hear that. Hope your day was OK.
Yeah, we get the “challenging mother” and then we get to take care of them when they have dementia no longer remember us. My mom used to complain about “her daughter” when I went to visit and she of course had no idea who I was. Bless you and I hope you had some bright moments today.
I did have some bright moments. Thank-you.
so sorry ex – that is so hard. Hugs to you, and blessings for you kindness and acceptance of your mom for “doing the best she could”.
My mom has just begun the dementia/Alheimer’s journey, and after watching my grandma, I now what is coming. Hold on to the good memories, and hugs to you.
Be thankful that it is you and not some other dope answering that mid-night call. I give thanks everyday I am here for my little men !!
Got that right, Michael. I am grateful.
This is one of the best Mothers Days. It is not everything I wanted thanks to the neverending pain of breeding with the guy whose idea of celebrating the day, which was days after giving birth to our second child, by thoughtfully buying one box of chocolates for me and his mother to share and giving it to us the day after because he went out to a very important meeting at which he groped the women who put up with it “because his wife just had a baby”, a meeting which ended very late and he came home drunk. So that was my Mothers Day. (Before he went to the meeting he told me hed be back in time for dinner and to celebrate with us so I spent the whole evening waiting for him).
Today, Mother’s Day is in beautiful Paris and one of two adult kids have wished me a good one. Not bad considering…
Why thank you, CL! And a most happy one to you! And it sounds like you’ve got an awesome kid.
” Mother’s Day is a million times better alone with your kids than ignored by some passive aggressive lummox. Consider a life without the lummox.”
Yes. Yes. Hear her words, they are true!
My ex did not always ignore. Usually there was some bad behavior that he needed to make up for to keep me on the line, so usually there was some acknowledgement of the day. Yippee. But. My life is so much better without that crap, too, the phony baloney Mother’s Day happy horseshit. You know, a mother’s day lunch followed by hours in the evening of him talking with one or another g/f. So glad that’s done with. The kids mostly remain and it is better like this.
Whatever form it may take, a happy day to all of you out there!
I also want to send heartfelt thoughts for Mother’s Day to Chump Nation. 🙂 I wish everyone well.
When I was with my “STBX”…I hated Mother’s Day. Oh the drama of having to coordinate all the in-laws (he has three sisters and someone is always fighting with someone). I felt very non-celebrated because everything always revolved around my former mother-in-law. Now…today I just had a very simple Mother’s Day with my kids alone (all of my family lives out of state..but they are just as dysfunctional so better off). I received the pasta jewelry, breakfast in bed, a lazy morning lying in my bed watching a movie with all of them and took them out for a nice dinner and stuffed ourselves mad.
I have to say…this was the BEST Mother’s Day I have every had. 🙂
“Mother’s Day is a million times better alone with your kids than ignored by some passive aggressive lummox. ” It’s so true CL!!
Those of you having a shitty day – I’m with you. Just left MIL house. Now I know I’m lucky because they are with me all the way. But…. She took FIL up to Stbx house this morning. To spend some time together. She just spent the last hour telling me how disgusted and uncomfortable she was – the Hobag showing her all they had done to the place, getting ready for all the fam to come over barf barf barf. Understand, my mother is dead, and SHE paid for the place they are living in! I’m sick and disgusted and want to text him and blab on FB and to the world. …. But it fucking hurts !
So sorry, Lovebeingachump. Hang in there.
Oh, I am disgusted too. Your mother paid for that house? Don’t you feel like burning it down? I am not surprised it makes you sick, I don’t know how you keep it together.
Happy Mother’s Day, all! Mine was actually pretty good. I have plenty of terrible ones so I am thankful for today. I visited my mother today and I brought up how I have had a hard time with this holiday since childhood. My grandfather shot himself on Mother’s Day. Well, according to dear old mom, that isn’t what really happened. Skeleton rolls out of the closet… My grandfather was a serial cheater it seems. On that fateful day, Grandma had had enough! The cops were pretty sure he couldn’t have managed to shoot himself at the angle/entry point. But there were no witnesses and it was a small town. Grandma said he did it. But folks knew the truth…My grandma was a crack shot.
Happy Mother’s Day to all those who are intentionally present in a child’s life. When I was married, my ex went out of his way to have shitty days on major holidays, birthday celebrations, vacations, any day that was meant to be meaningful. He was so uncomfortable in his skin (leading a duplicitous life does that) that he could barely participate in family gatherings, I can not remember one day in which he made me feel special. So I do not miss his depressing theatrics and narc drama. The kids grew up knowing special days were difficult not because I had great expectations but because my ex really went out of his way to NOT give me what I wanted which was time spent together. We were always waiting for him to get home. I was always waiting for us to become a priority. It just took me twenty years and one big crappy dday to figure it out. To those who lament that they never got to do the pick me dance before being abandoned, don’t be too sure of that. I did. I just didn’t know it. It’s why making love sucked the last two years of my marriage. He’d come home all hot for sex (not with me) and after about twenty different positions, absent kissing and orgasm(two red flags), I wondered why I felt like such a whore (just did not know he already had one, lol). It’s why he spent his weekends at the club when our entire marriage we never had weekends to share because our life together revolved around his work schedule which had only just granted him weekends off. So when special days come around I don’t do what I’d always done. Which was to make it a big Hallmark moment out of it. I was overcompensating for something missing in my life, namely my ex. Now I just enjoy the simple little things in my daily life. It’s what has always brought me joy. Our choice for me to stay home with our children was one of the best decisions we made in our early years together. I know I am lucky to spend time with my young adults who are now scrambling to carve out lives for themselves. We are all living in different cities now so I try to finance one big vacation where we are all together. And when my ex won’t sabotage it. My children and I do the best we can. We text, Face time is good too. Parenting is easier without the narc. One day my children will appreciate the time I spent raising them. I regret choosing their father, I regret wasting my life with him, I regret the legacy he has left our children. Right now I just do the best I can.
Drew, I’m amazed every day at two things here on CL.
1.) That the level of betrayal suffered by most of us is more than I ever could have imagined prior to being cheated on, and
2.) That the people who come here can speak about it with such eloquence as you have just done.
We’re in shock, we’re sad, we’re regretful, some of us even feel broken, but I don’t see much if any bitterness. I see strength, determination, and the desire to take care of our children.
In a short period of time this place has truly become a support group for me. This was a hard day to get through for me as well. I’m glad it’s nearly over. Thanks for sharing.
So beautifully written Drew. You just about summed up my life too. My ex never was there for the special events. Always away working, shooting, sailing whatever else. When he was home, he was sooo angry and it was such a chore just to spend time with me and our children. Towards the end, I think he might have spend a total of about 4 days at home in 6 months. I remember this one night we went to my mum and dads for a birthday. Mum cooked a beautiful meal, dessert. My ex at the end of the meal proceed to abuse my mother for “over feeding” us. My mum was in tears. I don’t miss him at all now. My kids never hear from him any more either. Our home now is a place of happiness, laughter and peace.
No pity party for me but this is the first post here that triggered me. YAY me, cos that means I’ve overcome most of my triggers. HELL yeah. I’m not a Mom. Is cool, I like your kids, especially when they ask why because I don’t hear it all day long. Big shout out to all you Moms doing the dig on your own! You rock it Moms!
Trigger though, my Mom died in my arms, I ran back home to (now) ex very bad off. I was depressed, then I blocked it a year (I can compartmentalize for short periods apparently). Then I got badly depressed for about 9 months. When I came out is when I caught ex cheating. Yeah. I was unable to function beyond working, barely eating and when I finally pulled my ass out of that depression I found him blaming me for not paying attention to him. I was considering death during that time, I was ready to die and his response was to find someone else to take care of him. He wouldn’t even hold me, hug me and I was so bad off I didn’t realize how alone he left me. I miss my Mom, hell I miss my Dad. I don’t miss that piece of shit who left me to hang when I finally needed him, just once. I took care of him for 17 years and just once, that ONE fucking time, I was out of strength and needed his, he refused to give it, he was incapable. For any of you thinking how scary it is to leave a fucked up cheating abusive asshole late in life? Just think about how that fucked up cheating asshole will treat you if you ACTUALLY need them to take care of you. Answer: that cheating abusive asshole will not be there for you, will let you rot, will take your shit and leave you on the floor.
Sorry, probably not the right Mothers Day message…
Hey Dat, no worries. Part of the reason Toddler Boi left (I think) was that he felt neglected because I was, on top of everything else, helping to care for my mum. He never once went to see her because he said, “I’ll get too upset.”
When she died, I still didn’t know he was living with OW. I e-mailed him and asked him to come to the funeral. He told me that he didn’t want to come because he “didn’t want to get involved with the drama”. I think, looking back, that was the moment when I finally started to realize what an asshole he truly was.
My dad died 30 years ago now. I miss both of my parents, too.
Hope tomorrow is a better day, and that you can remember your mom now with love and a little less grief.
Don’t apologize, Datdamwuf. My depression wasn’t over the death of a beloved parent as yours was, but because my husband never earned any money during out 8 year relationship, we went through all of mine instead. Then when the money ran out I finally lost it and had a breakdown. By that time he had already started screwing someone else and of course gave me the blame because I was stressing him out. I don’t know what’s worse, that he abandoned me after all I gave him, or that I was stupid enough to fall for him and give up everything for him in the first place. I would never believe people could behave the way your husband behaved, if I hadn’t experienced a similar situation myself. I regret that I was so naive about supposed loved ones who actually go out of their way to cause us pain and I think maybe girls should be taught that the reason we need gender equality is because they may have to be the breadwinner someday and they need to be prepared. Earlier I posted that it’s amazing how little bitterness there is here on CL, well I take that back. There is bitterness, and there should be bitterness. If we can’t feel bitter about being betrayed by the person we loved the most, what can we be bitter about?
Yes, bitter is a bit like anger. It propels you forward. It isn’t you, it’s a feeling you have when you realize what a Chump you’ve been. It reminds you to fix that picker. If nothing else there are lessons to learn. With my ex I was very young when I met him. I was young when we married. I was young when we had our first child. The difference between us was that I knew what I wanted, who I was, what was important to me. He did not. He was young as well. He had a great work ethic then. As the years passed he grew more and more entitled, and for some reason was not promoted like others in his department (a peace officer). I think this, as Elizabeth Edwards once said, was when “he lost his way.” When all the kibbles from others outside of our marriage and history together mattered more. He was broken, I just couldn’t see it then. He began to spend money on items that made no sense at all. New cars, an expensive truck, expensive hobbies and travel. And of course wasted community assets. Hard lessons. I like being in charge of my own finances, and at this point in time they are a bit scary. Nothing I can’t handle. Moving Liquid, this is stuff we can handle. Hurts, yes, but in the whole scheme of things I think it’s a sign. To move forward. I am happy, I have always been happy, and now I recognize I would have never been happy with him. One day we will meet someone who is capable of being an equal partner. In all the ways that are important.
Thanks ya’ll, it’s not bitterness it’s what I call “the sads”, I get them sometimes on Mother’s day and Father’s day. Mostly I can remember both of them and smile. I was already triggered because ex drove by here on a harley. I’m pretty happy most of the time.
I’m so sorry Dat – hugs and hope to you. You deserved so much better than that.
DDW, In twenty years together my ex and I had five deaths in our families. His father, then his mother died in the first five years we were dating. When I was pregnant with our third child my brother died. He was fourteen. Twelve years after that our nephew died in a horrible car accident, leaving behind two children under five. A year after that as my son was coming out of his coma, his sisters slid off an embankment in a car, and my mother ended up in the hospital for stomach surgery (all this within two weeks’ time!). After each of these challenges normal people grieve. Life is difficult for awhile…. Grieving takes time. At that moment and in the days to follow we all have a choice. When your husband checked out, when he wasn’t there to comfort you, and when he turned to someone else, those are his choices and his crap life skills. You chose to be present and he chose to run away. I am proud of the way I responded to the challenges in my life. I am, like you, capable of loving. Isn’t that something to celebrate?
” Mother’s Day is a million times better alone with your kids than ignored by some passive aggressive lummox. Consider a life without the lummox.”
Yes! I had the best mother’s day today!!!!
I had a fabulous day today. It was cheater XHs weekend with the kids, so he had them until this morning. I got to sleep in and enjoy my coffee in silence until he dropped my daughter off. He agreed to keep my son for the day (toddler) while my daughter and I spent the day poolside at a resort with a bunch of friends. I relaxed and had a few bloody marys! Wonderful.
Cheater XH even went with the kids and let them pick me out a gift. They got me a new phone cover. It was appreciated even though I know it’s out of shame. See, I discovered he and OW are now engaged through a friend. I asked him about it and he refused to talk to me at all about it! I really don’t care and didn’t ask in an accusatory tone at all. Just kind of a “hey, did you mention this to the kids yet”? Nope, he’s a gigantic pussy and runs from anything he remotely confrontational. So his way of avoiding me, includes being on his best behavior and kissing my ass. Oh well, I’ll take it.
Oh, and good luck to OW. Glad that she’s going to be stuck with him and half of the debt he’s been wracking up since he left! Bwahahahaha!
I also think anyone who struggles on mothers day needs to stay the hell off Facebook for the entire weekend. It’s like the anti-Chump Lady in terms of tools for picking up the pieces, whether the picture perfect posts are true or not. Pardon the spit-inducing alliteration.
I had a good mother’s day. I received a gift from my older son and his wife in the mail, then went to brunch with my younger son, his wife, and my parents on Mother’s Day. It was a lot more than I expected, because I’ve gotten good at not expecting much. That way I’m pleasantly surprised if something nice happens.
Went to my DIL’s graduation on Saturday. My ex was there and we talked, for the first time since we split he didn’t act like a robot. Everyone went to a cookout at my son’s house after the ceremony. My ex hugged me before he left. It felt nice so I had to remind myself who he is, and that what I’m missing isn’t actually there. I called my oldest son and told him about it, he said “Mom, don’t read anything into Dad being nice. All he thinks about is himself.” But the picnic after the graduation was the closest thing to a “normal” family event we’ve had since everything blew up a couple of years ago, so it felt nice.
Chump Hugs to all the moms out there; to all the dad’s doing double the work for the cheater “moms”; and to all those who struggle on these days – spring blessings to you. I always love how lilacs are just starting to bloom this time of year. Hope and Beauty.
I also want to offer that ever since d-day, my kids have been blessed with awesome teachers (several of them fellow chumps) who really go out of their way to help the kids make wonderful Mother’s Day gifts (knowing full well there is no “dad” to help them with gifts). They have done the same thing for Christmas and Valentine’s Day too. Just the thought that Chump Nation is mighty – that we can use our painful experiences to smooth the way for others – that is worth celebrating.
Happy Mother’s Day Chumps. Sorry its a bit late 🙂
Just had to share with you the beautiful card my kids gave me for Mother’s Day. It was a funny card but what they wrote in it made me cry. My son wrote. Dear Ma, thank you for always being there for me and being the most incredible inspiring person that I could ever know. My daughter wrote. Love you Ma. You are such an amazing mother. I want to thank you for everything and for being both a mum and dad for me. Aawwww..