Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

I Don’t Feel the Need to Give It Away

I confess, I sometimes enjoy my bully pulpit here so I can post youtube videos of artists I like, most of them obscure R&B performers.

After yesterday’s epic post on how did we find out we were chumps, several folks asked for a post on how do you trust again. I’m working on that — will post soon! But when I was thinking about trust, this one song lyric of Ruth Brown’s kept popping up in my head “I don’t feel the need to GIVE it away!

Which is how I feel about trust now — I’m discriminating. I don’t feel the need to give it away.

I was running this article idea on trust by my husband and he was like “Oh no. Not Ruth Brown.” Essentially, he feels (probably rightly) that it doesn’t improve my writing to inflict my favorite youtube videos on you.

But! But!

Oh, okay — so you get a Saturday post (my lowest traffic day, btw) on Ruth Brown and her message of self respect.

I have to say for the record, however, that when it comes to inflicting obscure music on others, my husband is pretty guilty himself. Polka, Bob Wills, and countless yodeling Texans that would make anyone flee north on I-35 to escape the sound of it. Ruth Brown could take Bob Wills ANY DAY. (We also have another epic argument that Bob Seger is infinitely superior to Bruce Springsteen, and I’m sure any of you from Detroit will agree with me.) If he had a blog, you can bet there’d be a lot of lugubrious singer songwriters and yodeling Texans.

But back to Ruth Brown and trust issues. God bless that woman — here’s a song about boundaries. Ostensibly it’s a bawdy, double entrendre song about selling a “chair.”

If I can’t sell it, I’m going to sit down on it/I don’t feel the need to give it away!

But it’s really this one awesome woman’s assertion of her self worth. This cheapskate comes around and “wants something for nothing.” But she’s not going for that. You want this? You’re going to have to pay what it’s worth. Stick around for the send off, a classic!

This is how trust needs to be — do not feel the need to just give it away. Know your worth, and make sure people “pay” to earn your trust. Which you will see through their actions over time. Trust in your ability to enforce boundaries, to say no to users. And most of all, trust in your own resiliency — someone tries to play you again? In the words of Ruth, “Baby, I’m GONE.”

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • To paraphrase . . . Seger rules, Springsteen drools 😉

    My biggest goal right now is to learn to trust MYSELF again before I can even begin to trust anyone else.

  • Wow, she’s advocating “put a ring on it” before the current alleged chump. I posted this one before but it’s become my latest theme song

  • And you hang on, hang on, hang on
    To the words of a liar
    You can feel it’s getting down
    To the wire

    Read more: Neil Young – Down To The Wire Lyrics | MetroLyrics

    Neil Young – Down to the Wire, 1971

  • Next time you’re in Detroit Tracy, let me know. I’m taking you to a Tiger game and dinner of your choice. 🙂 Woo Motor City!

  • Thank you for a few minutes of pure joy watching her sing this song, what a great Saturday morning:)

  • Awesome, Tracy!! Just awesome! I did not know of Ruth Brown before today, but now I absolutely LOVE HER!!!

    Thank you so much for the link to that sassy, classy performance!

    Do not know who wrote the lyrics, but it really sums up how all of us should be towards all aspects of our being—-whether it is trust, sex, love or otherwise!

    Forge on, Chumplady, ForgeOn!

  • This hits home for me, CL. I gave trust away too easily because I thought “nice” guys who liked me (omg how lucky was I!) were entitled to it, lest I ended up a “bitch” or “bitter and alone.” Even if I wasn’t that attracted to them! Thanks, patriarchy! Now I’m not afraid to look like a bitch by putting my own emotional health first, and rejecting a guy firmly if it doesn’t feel right.

  • This hits home, CL. If a “nice” guy liked me (how lucky was I!) I felt obligated to trust him right off the bat, lest I “hurt” his feelings, looked like a “bitch,” or would end up “dying alone and bitter.” Even if I wasn’t that attracted to him. I felt bad about being wary and needing time to trust/do anything physical but ultimately I felt bad for them more than I felt entitled to protect myself. Thanks, patriarchal society! I’m still healing but I’m starting to be comfortable with the risk of being considered “a bitch” if I firmly say no to a guy or reject going out with him.

  • Love it! I love all your obsure R & B artists and their videos!! My favorite Seger line “wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then”. genius.

  • “Thank you for tuning in ladies and gentlemen and have I got a great product for you. It is compilation of 32 of your favorite traveling songs. That’s right, 32 songs that will accompany you on your journey to ‘Mehville’. Say you are feeling a bit sad, well I have a tune for you, Track 3—The Kinks with Better Things. Need some spiritual inspiration, well crank up track 7 ‘I’ll Pray For You’. Have some kick ass energy that needs focusing we’ve gotcha—Judas Priest’s You Got Another Thing Coming. All this and many, many more. I know the journey is long so I am going to send you not 1, 2, or even 3 cds, if you order now I will throw in an unlimited supply of mood altering music for your listening pleasure. To top off this golden offer, I will send you the ultimate song that sums up your cheating spouse—Mr. Grinch. Listen to the truest spoken words and it will help you get unstuck and back on the road to ‘Mehville’.

    So order now and get driving”

    • Definitely not ready for the naked part, and don’t really trust “friends” now as most of them have proven they don’t deserve it. And guys, as far as I’m concerned they just want to get me in the sack – no thanks.

      • I here you, not only did my trust get broken with my X when I finally learned the truth, but the BS that has come from those I trusted in my church as a result of his actions as really damaged the whole trust issue on a lot of level.

        Trust anyone got a picture of it so I will know it when or if I see it?

    • Same. I’m not modern, I get attached, that is if you even manage to get me to 2nd base. Why would most men even bother with that mess? Experience has shown me that there are plenty of women who move real fast.

  • I just remembered how Mr. Cheater-Pants would blather on about “people have to earn my trust” blah, blah, blah, all the while it turned out he was lying to me about being divorced (he was still married, no intention of ever divorcing, and had a girlfriend in California that he was cheating on as well with chumpy me!) And chumpy me would tell him, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to.” Well, now anyone who wants to date me has to pass the google, Courts search, public records, and I-must-meet-your-friends sniff test. Thanks a lot, Mr. Cheater-Pants.

    • Cerise I got that too. I think it’s a narc thing. I figured out that the reason he didn’t “trust me” anymore because I actually called him on his shit – or didn’t worship the ground he walked on – or made our home a child centered home instead of a addict centered home. I suggested he get some help for his depression. All this ” I don’t trust her anymore” of course, he was having affairs and keeping secrets, and I was untrustworthy? It’s just in their perception and definition of trust. Keep the appearances up you know. It really does do a number on your own instincts, that is for sure. Really a good goal to work on and figure out what does trust mean to us….

      • Jersey: It’s like you’re in my head! Mine never said he didn’t trust me, on the contrary, he said he trusted me implicitly. Know why? Because I never lied to him, & I have integrity. *HE* OTOH, lied constantly, about things both benign & malignant. Me, being the trusty sap I am, believed most of the lies. Until he started confessing to things I would never have found out. I truly believe the reason he did this was to show me how much he had “pulled over” on me. What good is a great lie if the other person never knows how he pulled off the most intricate & detailed scam? The other thing I learned is when someone tells you they’re a pathological liar? Believe them! BTW, I am firmly of the opinion that he is undiagnosed bi-polar.
        So, moral of the story is: I now question everything anyone tells me, unless they have a long history of trust with me. I’m hoping some day I will meet a very patient man who will allow me to deconstruct the wall that has been built.

  • Tracy, I’m afraid I’m with your husband; “Essentially, he feels (probably rightly) that it doesn’t improve my writing to inflict my favorite youtube videos on you.”
    I do always try them… 🙂 You my friend are an R&B nerd, some of them are pretty cool but um…well, you hear something I do not quite often, heh

  • So if we are going to share songs;

    If you are stuck, you’ve gone tharn? try, Free Will by Rush:

    Being gaslighted? try Telling Stories by Tracy Chapman:

    Realizing you are not responsible for the fuckedupedness of your spouse & pissed off? try Sleep To Dream by Fiona Apple:

    And, if you just want to drive fast and leave it all behind? try Hot Rod Lincoln by Pat Travers, I dare you to listen to this in your car and not speed:

    Jedi Hugs to all of Chump Nation!

    • thanks for these. Especially Fiona Apple and Tracy Chapman. I have listened to Fast Car a lot in the past few months to remind me that he’s better off taking his fast car and empty promises out of mine and my kids lives.

      • Thank you. I’m loving listening and looking at all the vids. They are truly brightening my day!

  • Put too many links in my post, it’s stuck in moderation, or maybe I needed to include an R&B artist? 😉

  • Don’t mess with Bob Wills. Your husband sounds like a stand-up fellow and a fine judge of music, CL. I like your taste too, btw.

  • Dear CL, just thought about sharing these definitions with you about this theme…

    “Trust is the ability to be vulnerable with the other person. You believe that they are who they say they are. You feel that the deepest parts of you will be safe with them. You expect that they will be there for you no matter what and that they will love you even in the moments when you are not so lovable. You open up a vulnerable part of yourself to another person without second-guessing or worrying about betrayal. That is trust.”
    John Townsend

    “Betrayal is the experience of being set up, violated and then discarded. It is being used by someone who violates our dignity and then “is unmoved by our pain”.
    Dan Allender

    Thanks so much for your blog! it has been so good for my soul to find fellow chumps and people who understand the craziness of being betrayed.

    • Great quotes/definitions, Gaby! I like Townsend as an author, generally. SAFE PEOPLE is a good one from him and Dr. Henry Cloud.

    • Safe! That is what I would say in MC & IC. I don’t feel emotionally safe with him. I couldn’t share anything that showed my vulnerabilities, because that would become fodder for the next argument. Who does that???
      Without the foundation of trust, nothing solid & long lasting can be built. Like building a house upon the sand – to paraphrase a parable.

  • Cl, Thank you.
    Just listened to the Ruth Brown clip, what a great song. I have always payed the asking price for things and if I think it is too expensive then I pass. But X would haggle on everything with an arrogance that would make me cringe. Or if he got wind that the seller was a christian then he automatically considered he being a fellow christian entitled him to mates rates. And now almost 6 months past D’day I am seeing that same arrogance in his attitude towards our marriage. I live in the family home with our kids and have done so since D’day. We have been married 18 yrs. A month after D”day ( Jan 1st to be exact)our youngest age 9 was diagnosed with leukemia. Neither of our older to wanted to stay with X when school returned so I made alternative arrangements as when Miss 9 is in hospital I stay with her. X was filthy that the kids did not want to stay with him and sleep on the floor of his mother tiny apartment and became hostile when I refused to allow him to stay at the house with kids. He tried to manipulate me into allowing him back into the house as could not see what the issue was. It took a lot for me to say the words “I Don’t Trust You” although he ended that conversation quickly it didn’t sink in or he just thinks ( seriously I don’t know what he thinks several times since that day he has assumed he can just rock up here. or if he speaks nicely to me I will agree to him coming and look after the kid here in the house. This is not your home any more.
    AND I DON’T TRUST YOU! and haggling with me over everything so you can look to others like you are doing everything you can to fix the issue is not working.
    I may give away the crap you have not looked at for years and I will make sure you get back what you brought with you. BUT I AM KEEPING THE CHAIR!

    • Sammy D, I have you in my heart. Praying for your child. These men are just so selfish and entitled. It is heartbreaking how they can destroy our lives and our families in exchange of their lust. So sad. So wrong.

  • Trust is so hard. I’m with a lot of you in that I don’t even trust myself right now. Mainly because I don’t know who the hell I am anymore. I have been so worn down and manipulated and twisted. And then cast aside without so much as a look over his shoulder to check if I was still alive. So I’m trying to find my identity first, before I can let anyone into my life. Even making a friend would be difficult I think.

    My anthem at the moment is by an Aussie girl Jessica Mauboy. It’s called ‘Never be the same again’ pretty fitting I reckon. But it brings out the melancholy because the lyrics fit with his idea that ‘enough is never enough’. But it makes me mighty because things will. never. be the same. again.

    “Let me tell you about a girl that I used to be
    Same name, same face, but a different me.”

    I also sing loudly and off-key to Rita Ora ‘RIP”

    “RIP to the girl I used to be. Her days are oveeeerrrr”

    Now to listen to the messages in the songs you guys have shared and try and move on. Build something new. A new me who trusts people based on their actions, not the hollow, empty stories they tell.

  • Love it, CL!
    Tell husband that there are readers always on the look out for ‘new’ songs to inspire us!

  • I sing Katy Perry’s “Roar” at the top of my lungs in the car. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with the knowledge that he really doesn’t know that he’s woken the sleeping lioness – & he’s going to be so very sad when he finds out how bad things will be for him.

  • I might have mentioned at our chump meetup that I’m addicted to advice columnists…heh. Hope you don’t mind my linking this Tracy! One of my all time favorites took on infidelity in her last few posts, check her out:

    scroll down to see the initial post then read the top one.

  • I’m so thankful I live in a world that has Bob AND the Boss (who I think can easily be considered a lugubrious singer songwriter!).

    If the time ever comes for me to ever enter another marital union, I’ll likely be one to trust but verify, and follow the words of one of my favorites,Todd Snider, who extols the virtue of pre-nups in “Just in Case”…what’s yours is, yours what is mine will always be mine…

    Ps – I always thought Hot Rod Lincoln was Commander Cody — the Chump Nation broadens my horizons each day. Thanks CL for introducing me to your beloved and obscure ladies with da blues!

  • Today’s debate inspired me to review my iTunes collection of the works of the great Robert Clark Seger. To my now chumpy ears, “Still the Same” is a Meh anthem!
    Caught up with you yesterday, I had nothing left to say, I just turned and walked away…

  • “Forget You” by Digital Summer is an awesome song. Pretty heavy but so satisfying singing at the top of my lungs on the way home. The video is good too.

  • In those two years after dday I was reeling. Three things got me through those years. My children and family, exercise, and music. Kings of Leon, Citizen Cope, Paolo Nutini (Last Request, on BBC show and, last but not least, Patty Griffin’s live album A Kiss In Time. I played that record into the ground. KOL and Cope were touring then and I saw them both again this year. If we could only get Patty and Paolo to Southern Ca!

  • This song by Florence and the Machine “The Dog Days are Over” gave me a lot of strength because it speaks my truth. I held on to my marriage before D-day because I finally had a home and I was not going to let that go, but it felt so horrible to be with my flirting (with others–not with me of course), ignoring, sulking, and mind numbing ex—I kept asking to separate and he would come back with but-I-love-you-and-want-to-be-with-only-you-shit. That’s all it took for me folks to stay with someone who was making me miserable every. single. day. D-day was a huge revelation. My dog days were over, my dog days were done, the horses were coming and I better run. Run fast for my mother, sister, brother–leave all my love and my longing (for my dirt bag mind-fucking ex) behind I can’t carry it with me if I want to survive. Yes, going NC is a matter of survival for me. Give a look and listen. They are awesome.



  • >