As you can tell, I enjoy good invective and you guys have been sharing some real winners lately.
From Rumblekitty: “he’d fuck a snake if you held open its mouth.”
From Tonya: “‘oh him, he’d get up on a cracked plate.”
From Rose: “You can wax and bleach it, but it’s still an asshole.”
So I thought today we could share our favorite curses and expressions — nothing like a good outpouring of profanity to aid digestion of the shit sandwiches cheaters inflict.
Fuckityfuckityfuck! — satisfying, but sometimes it’s not enough to just string naughty words together, you need a crackerjack such as, “as welcome as a turd in the punchbowl” to get your meaning across.
Stupid? “A few sandwiches shy of a picnic.” “Doesn’t have all the paints in his paintbox.”
I had a grandfather from Terre Haute who elevated coarseness to an art form.
“Don’t get your bowels in an uproar!”
What time is it, grandpa?
“Milking time! Grab a tit!”
Alternatively, “Time for all fools to be dead… Ain’t you feeling sick?”
Apparently Indiana dairy farmers aren’t the most refined company. “Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.” “Slipperier than snot on a doornail.” “Touch my Manhattan and you’ll pull away with a bloody stump.”
And of course, “Christ on a crutch!”
So showcase your potty mouth today, chumps. I’d like to hear some new ones. 
“Shit fit” = Unreasonable tantrum. I don’t know why I find the term so funny. xD
Also, “douche” is a good term to describe someone acting like a disrespectful little shit. Nobody likes douches because 1) they are unhealthy and 2) they imply that vaginas are nasty, dirty things women should be ashamed to have.
Douche Bag, just hanging in the shower, always doing nothing, everyone agrees it has very little purpose but refuse to discard it. I know several asshats that fit that description.
Exactly!
I used to say about my ex: “Did you see that plume of smoke? The douchebags just elected a new Pope.”
Fucktard.
I am not sure if this qualifies, but my Dad had a saying he would use when a male friend strayed, and it was … “if he will play with her, then he is too lazy to play with himself” !!
Dylan knows a thing or two about slaying with a phrase:
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the back roads headin’ south.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You’re an idiot, babe.
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.
I love this. My ex spews forth lies “idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth” (my cell phone was not working when you left your message about when to pick child up–now it is; I did not lead her to believe that we would be together, I don’t remember her giving me that gift, I don’t remember, I don’t know). It’s interesting that when these idiots lie they do so because they think they are dealing with idiots. It all comes back to them.
I also love mindfuckery and mindfucker I learned on this site because it expresses the violence and rape perpetrated by lies that directed day-to-day life decisions or where I slept, ate and kept company. My life is not cheap and if you lie to me in the jurisdiction of my intimate life you are a mindfucker.
This is interesting to experiment with:
A) These liars “shit with their mouths:” as my ex told about how hard it was for him and how he just spoke about the difficult time he was having in Bloomington to Miss mean cabbage patch–yes and they shared a kiss or two–but it was only two kisses that’s it.
B) My grandmother Sadie (who lived until 104) used to say: “She’ll kill him with kindness” regarding controlling parents who are protective and “give” in a way that hurts their kids. In this context, that is also my ex. He is such a “nice guy” He will ignore all my texts about whether he still plans to pick up my child to take him to the doctor (had a possible reaction from anti-biotics) and then school on his day. Then, when I have to take my child to work with me because he did not show up I get texts from him hours later saying: “Oh I can come pick him up anywhere, anytime, my phone did not work and I was not sure what to do, now it is working” He will kill me with his “kindness” —Always ready to go the extra mile to fuck his family (that’s
another).
C) This one is from Nachmanides when he talks about people who know the Torah but act like shit. They are: “Asses laden with books” In other words, they have the book knowledge–MDs PhDs ivy league college degrees—but they have no character–no way to apply their knowledge for anything other than sick self-promotion. It usually backfires and they look like asses, asses laden with books.
D) Cringe inducing mortification chambers of hell.
E) Misery-making shit face creepyman.
F) Rapists of the soul.
I could go on and on. Love to all.
I like “asses laden with books” — I know a few for sure!
I learned “fuckery” on this site. I LOVE it! It just sounds like it should be used in all kinds of weird contexts.
“Strumpet–get thee to a fuckery!”
“We are the knights who go ‘Ne’. We will procure us a fuckery!”
Yes, I LOVE fuckery too!
It’s a verb, noun, and adjective all rolled-up into one word . . .
And that’s exactly how these fucktards operate–slippery son-of-a bitches–at first they’re very hard to define & characterize . . .
Thanks CL for the term & the clarity!
Oh, and remember when we found the correlation between cheaters and toileting, and were introduced to the term “poopsterbating”?
OMG not poopersterbating hahahaha That’s hilarious hahahaha It’s just so grossssss.
This has to be one of my favorites as stbx could win the gold if this was an Olympic event
*snort* while sexting?
I refer to the STBX as Fuckstick.
I like “Fuckwit”.
My favs are fucktard and douchebag
I have to second fucktard & my send is whorehole both are fantastic
Hope you all have a great weekend
My second !! WTf autocorrect sucks !
Whorehole! I forgot about that one–sooooo apt…
I particularly like fucktard in a leotard.
Fuck-knuckle was always my favorite!
My stbx is a douche canoe and a twat waffle. I don’t give two squirts of monkey piss about his tears. Hehe. This is fun.
I believe this line came from “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” “Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor”. They tore that one down in real life but my was bandfound a single occupy place in Shenandoah, Texas.
Fucknut. (ok, technically strung together words and not an colloquialism).
These are probably well known:
Happier than a pig in shit.
Couldn’t find his ass with both hands.
Wouldn’t piss on your head if your hair was on fire.
Oh, just remembered:
Don’t let your mouth write a check your ass can’t cash.
LIke!
I heard this in a call called “Comfort Zone” this week, said in response to a character saying something ridiculous: “You think you just said something.” It’s not potty mouth, but it’s pretty insulting in a subtle way.
OK–whacked autocorrect–in a play called “Comfort Zone.”
“Snake in the grass”, to describe a covert aggressive.
My latest favourite
“Chuck it in the Fuckit Bucket”
Like!
This!
this rant (from Christmas Vacation) sums up my feelings: …”what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?!”
Personally loved the awesome “bitch cookie” comment someone posted the other day.
As in, “Oh goodie, you did what was expected, here’s a bitch cookie.”
So funny!
I liked there actually was a term for this.
I refer to OW as “Skankawhoreus”.
love that
I really love this one and have began to use it in ref to my X as it makes me laugh. Despite his denial of his gender preference and the holier than thou crap I have endured from those who think they can fix him , I think Skankawhoreus sums him up nicely. love it
You can use the Shakespeare Insult Kit for colorful insults:
http://web.mit.edu/dryfoo/Funny-pages/shakespeare-insult-kit.html
Such as:
Rank onion eyed measle!
Infectious milk-livered lout!
Paunchy swag-bellied whey face!
But the one time I got to be angry at my husband for his infidelity, I believe I said to him, “You fucking bastard had to put your cock in a dirty whore’s cunt!”
I don’t use the c-word myself, except when repeating this expression from Blade 3: “Cock-juggling thunderc***!”
Hope I didn’t offend anyone. I should have at least typed “c*nt”. Maybe CL can change that for me.
I don’t use that word, for many reasons. But my favourite EVER insult comes from it…. a friend’s ex was being really awful and someone called him a “c” and she said, no a “c” is warm, welcoming and people spend their lives chasing it…. Hes an ankle, because he is at least 3 feet lower than any “c” I ever met…..
She said It so dead pan – I swear I almost snorted my pancreas out my nose I was laughing so hard.
So yeah – ANKLE.
It really helps to know exactly what a potty mouth word or phrase means. I figured out that the jackass was pretty far out there on the narcissism spectrum. And I knew he was a cheater. But when I saw Aaron James’s book, “Assholes: A Theory,” I had both what he is and the reason he won’t change in one sentence: “In interpersonal or cooperative relations, the asshole:
1) allows himself to enjoy special advantages and does so systematically;
2) does this out of an entrenched sense of entitlement; and
3) is immunized by his sense of entitlement against the complaints of other people.”
I’ve never been one to toss around that term just to be condescending or express hate. But the cheaters we are talking about? All assholes. By definition.
When X would get called on the carpet about something, he would say,”Yeah, I’m an asshole.” As if that as an excuse. No, but it was the truth.
Jackass did the same thing. I guess at some level, they know.
And trying to get him to do the right thing was like “pissing up a rope.”
EX Jerk Said He Couldn’t Cry Often, cause he’s got a Bad Case of ” Asshole Eye “.
Wow. Fascinating. And true of my asshole.
He’s not just an asshole, he’s the whole ass.
ergo, massive entitlement…
“She was nervous as a whore in church”…cause she was one!
hahahaha
lol!
And to be precise, the Jackass falls into a subcategory, the “Smug Asshole,” who is “comfortable in his sense that others are inferior, and indeed presumes that others should well expect him to behave as their better.” He also has a smidge of “Reckless Asshole,” who is out there nearing psychopath territory with a lack of regard for the consequences of his acts on other people (James cites political figures like Dick Cheney but I think this recklessness certainly exists on a less global scale, to encompass the families of the cheating asshole and the OW/OM).
“Jumped-up sperm donor with a Napoleon complex”
I now refer to my ex as “Swizzledick” and now that’s he’s gone I’ve had a Swizzledicktomy.
I heard this term on TV last year: “Big Fizzy Douche”. Like douche isn’t bad enough right? I think that describes my ex as well.
A phrase that’s always stuck in my head (for 30 years) comes from a manager that described the heat in the kitchen we worked in one summer when the AC was broken as:
“Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire”. I imagine that’s how hot it will be in hell where all of our cheaters will spend eternity.
I’m not much of a potty-mouth, oddly, though I am entertained by those who are masters of the art. But here’s a Mrs. Doyle clip from Father Ted as my contribution.
Love it!
Love this!
I have watched that clip a dozen times this weekend and am still laughing my ass off! Especially love the bastard stuff. Hilarious!
My 1st X used to say, “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.” I was never really certain what that meant outside of the fact that I knew it wasn’t a compliment. It was always confusing to me because I thought fucking a horse (that I didn’t ride in on) was considered beastiality and totally against the law. But what do I know? I don’t even “get” it.
My dad always said, “as useless as tits on a boar” which I didn’t get until I realized that a boar was a male and wouldn’t have tits.
Oh, that reminds me of a remark I was rather proud of-during an argument about the way stbx always sticks up for his mommy (the Queen of Evil Stupidity) I said “Fuck u & the whore u rode in on” Thought he was gonna fake cry.
Speaking of horses, anyone heard the expression “she looks like a horse that’s been ridden hard and let wet” ?
I always heard, “ridden hard and put away wet”. Guess it pretty much means the same thing … SKANK!
Which reminds me of something my mother once said (God bless her soul … sorry Mom)…She was having words with some guy in the grocery store one day and, being the adult he was, he stuck his tongue out at her and my mom said, loud and proud, “that looks like a whore’s dream”. I think he was flattered.
That is really great.
Or “rode hard and put away wet.”
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-rode-hard-and-put-away-wet-mean.htm#didyouknowout
Now see, I did not know that. Learn something new every day.
“…wears combat boots and burlap bloomers and follows the troop trains with a mattress strapped to her back.”
“…carries a penis-scope and tweezers to the orgy.”
“…so ugly her face would wean a mule colt.”
“…. lower than slime on a worm’s anus.”
“…useless as a row of teats on a boar hog.”
“….colder than a witch’s teat in a brass brassiere.”
“…can raise a hundred acres of Hell in five minutes.”
“…meaner than a constipated hog at a buffet.”
“…allows his Mockingbird mouth to overload his Hummingbird ass.”
Ha ha (Can you tell I’m from The South?)
These are awesome!
I live down South too
How about these:
You’re up and down faster than a whore’s drawers. [ means you are moody–pronounced like “hoars droars” and means a “whore’s pants” lol.
You’re so ugly the doctor slapped your mamma.
Dumber than tryin to fit 10 pounds of shit in a 5lb bag.
That’s nastier than milking a bull (no bad words, but masturbating cattle is not a pretty picture).
Shit or get off the pot. (do it already)
Don’t shit where you eat. (behave yourself at home/work)
Happy as a dog with two peckers. (presumably dogs would be happy with two penises, I guess)
You’re pissin’ into the wind (what you are saying is just making you look bad)
Love these!
Shit’s too close to the house!
More fun than a two peckered billy goat.
WW II Veterans calling someone a Blivit. ( 10 lb’s of shit in a 5lb bag)
In years past I would sometimes affectionately refer to my X as, “Asshole”.
His inevitable response: “Well if it weren’t for us Assholes, the world would be a constipated place.”
( LOL…Gotta give him credit for being witty…even if he did turn out to be a “Terminal Asshole”)
Dickwit, shit for brains, self involved prat. Comes in swinging his dick around dictating how things should be.
Hope you put a cork in it, notyou!
Who Said HE Isn’t a Constipated Asshole ?? They Aren’t Mutually Exclusive, You know
“He’ll never have hemorrhoids, he’s such a perfect asshole.”
Sometimes the line is so thin though. Maybe he was just the hemorroid after all?
Lol!!! That’s just shrinkage…
In years past I would say to my husband, usually after an argument, “everyone has an asshole and I have YOU!”.
On D-day and again several days later I said to him “you are the stupidest, shit-for-brains motherfucker I have ever met in my life”.
Bad words have helped me express the anger. I love some of the words I have learned on this blog! Asshat, twinkletwat, fuckwit, etc. Thank You!
Flowerlady – somehow your name does not match your mouth! lol
I do have a foul mouth, but I never use bad words when I’m gardening. Plants are very sensitive. lol.
If she had as many stick’n out’r as she had stick’n in’r she’d look like a porcupine
TCMFYP! Thanks, you have made my day.
Just remembered another.
“cock-juggling thunder-cunt”
I watched Blade too! That’s the only way you’ll hear me use the c- word!
God I’ve got a million of them . . . but my favorite term currently for the X is “Fuck-knuckle”.
For some reason that makes me think of pickled pigs’ knuckles in a jar. Gross.
That just makes me think of camel toes or moose knuckles…
Clusterfuckdale.
This is a double insult because X has always been a snob. Embarrassed about his hometown, he used to make fun of people who still lived there. When asked where he “was from,” first he would lie and reply, “Osterville,” a swanky Cape Cod village where he was a bartender one summer when he was 25. When pressed about where he “grew up,” he would then gloss over and reply, “I’m from Pinedale” which is actually a neighborhood in the actual city. Evasion and half truths have always been X’s trademark path to a good lie. Because, “It’s not really a lie if it’s a half truth,” right?
Now that he and Bim have shacked up in “The Heights” area of his hometown city, they live with her teen daughter and druggie boyfriend living upstairs, themselves the unmarried “good Catholics” cheater couple occupying the ground floor next to the bar they built in the living room, and our nineteen year old, mentally ill, (and in the past six months) now drug addicted, unemployed, college dropout son living in the basement, Clusterfuckdale is apt, don’t you think?
This one is courtesy of my wonderful dad…
“I feel like I’ve been shot at and missed then shit at and hit!!!
Or my favorite of all time:
“Don’t mess with her son, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway!”
Tie a 2X4 across your ass so you don’t fall in.
She’s a *pegboard*
Mine was for awhile, ‘My X left me for a woman who is uglier than a sack of assholes.’
She is too. If we could post pictures here you’d get it.
Bawhahahaha
But I bet she can “suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”
Louise,
I always heard it, “She can suck an egg through a 50 garden hose without breaking the shell.”
[Wait a minute..I can do that and without being Fugly either! Too bad a certain somebody is missing out on the best years of my life *evil grin*]
How about – ‘she’s a face like a well-slapped arse!’
My friend used to say “face like a bucket of smashed crabs”. Pure poetry.
I like Fuckface and Dickly. I call the XH Don Dickly after Don Draper from Mad Men.
I used to call mine Hugh for Hugh Grant – he was good looking but he had Liz Hurley and lost her for a tranny hooker.
I posted a while back was that I was trying to learn German as a hobby, and what I have found is that the Germans are really creative with their curse words, particularly their variations on the word “arsch” (ass). Take this video, for example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Az3uS9lwSQ
The video is mostly in German, but there are English and German subtitles on the screen so you can read what he is saying. I think it’s quite funny too, hopefully you’ll enjoy it. I actually learned a couple new English curse words from this.
“Tramp stamp” in German is literally translated as “ass antlers”.
He’s So Crooked Might as Well be a Triangle..
Shoved So Far up Their Own Arse, Surprised They Haven’t Suffocated.
Soo Low They’ve Gotta Look UP to See a Snake’s Arsehole.
Soo Conceited They Shouldn’t Keep Mirrors Round the House for Fear of Shards of Mirrors Getting Stuck in Their Faces Trying to get With Themselves.
He has his head so far up his ass he can see daylight.
I always wanted to say to someone, in regards to my ex’s abrupt exit: “Happy men don’t leave happy homes unless they have a brain tumor or are fucking someone’s brains out.”
I just use the classics. f*** you! And rot in hell! You
When I was in the depths of trying to unravel the skein of fuckedupness, I used the following terms with so much regularity that they’ve become part of my vernacular now…
— Fucktard
— Fuck a Duck
— For Fuck’s sake
— Fried Finger Fuck
and my old stand by favorite…………. Fucking Piece of Shit
This is from Maroon 5’s “Payphone.” I have it on constantly in the car.
If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.
That should be our anthem…
And the Wiz Khalifa rap in the middle ends…”So now it’s me they want and you can go and take that little piece of shit with you.”
The list would be incomplete without Flaming Turd of Satan’s Ass.
Mine isn’t nearly as colorful as these other wonderful contributions… I had a friend who called my ex Mr. Greywater since I had hoped he would be an oasis of life-giving, thirst-quenching water in the desert but I found a sewage treatment plant instead.
If I drop the filters, some nasty-assed Turret’s syndrome stuff starts to spurt out, nothing folksy, pithy, Shakespearean or even clever. I have been the model of taking the high road by the way, so this stuff builds up like pus in a boil. Let’s see what comes out today…
“The motherfucking narcissist sociopath robot who allowed her wrinkled smug fuckwit secret boyfriend’s second hand jizz to get on my fucking junk. Fuuuck youoooooooooooo… aggghhhh”
There, feeling better. Thx Chump Lady… you are the motherfucking awesomest.
Lad, that was fucking beautiful.
WOW now that is trucker good !
Or at my worst moments, called the MOW “a semi-literate selfish bitch-face C-word,” a word that until DDay, I had never even thought in my head let alone said out loud about another woman. But accurate, in this case.
Not too dirty–
“His head’s so far up his ass, he needs a window in his belly to see where he’s going”
“Sumbitch trips you, but beats you to the floor”
Ex was military, so I appropriated: “Fuck off and die”
Yay for the South and the colorful and inventive art of Southern cursing! I can’t claim the South myself, being a born and bred Yank…but daddy is from Georgia, so there is a bit of history.
Gems I use quite a bit, from a Texan aunt I adore:
For idiots: Dumb as a post, dumber than a box of hair.
Useless people: He about as useless as tits on a boarhog (usually followed by “bless his heart.”)
For people pretending to be something they are not: A cat may have kittens in the oven, but that don’t make ’em biscuits!
And my favorite…when she decided to take a look at my husband’s OW’s Facebook page very shortly after D-Day, she called me to tell me “Lord, she is wearing a lot of makeup in every picture. Probably trying to cover the fact that her face looks like a bag of smashed assholes…but she ain’t foolin’ nobody, bless her heart.”
Here in Canada we say “useless as a bucket under a bull”.
How about “If bullshit were music, you’d be a fucking brass band!”
My favorite description of my soon to be ex: Useless as side pockets on a pig!
“For people pretending to be something they are not: A cat may have kittens in the oven, but that don’t make ‘em biscuits!'”
I am stealing this one. LOVE IT
from Pinterest: “She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.”
Yay! I’m honored to be in the post. I’d say my favorite swear used against X so far is an historical swear.
Backstory: X is loving (loving loving) his attorney. Greatest thing to ever happen to him. He has bought a new best friend, a servant, and someone to torture me with all wrapped into one perfect burrito. He has her write the most ridiculous letters and take umbrage (legally) at the most random, peripheral things. Example: ‘Petitioner requests that respondent not ever write any portion of her e-mails in bold because as is common knowledge bold denotes hysteria.’ and ‘Petitioner notes that respondent has been overheard by mutually known parties referring to him as “Adolf” and requests that respondent speak of him respectfully.’ So, I thought the Adolf thing was hilarious. What. a. pussy. In actuality, my friends and family and I have developed a code of speaking where we refer to X as “Bambi” and my son as “Carlos” so that we don’t speak ill of Daddy in front of the little one. We even practice saying “Dada” with my son because he sees Dad twice a month and I don’t want to stress him out. So, although I’m quite sure I did refer to X as “Adolf” it wasn’t around my son.
Anyway, in response to him being so sensitive about bold-face type and the name “Adolf”, the last time he sent me one of his ridiculous custody offers, I responded:
To the German Commander:
NUTS!!!
(If you haven’t watched Band of Brothers 287 times historical reference can be found here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_McAuliffe)
Rose – that totally cracks me up!!
Brilliant, you are.
Rose, on you for being able to laugh at his crap.
LIKE!
I love it.
Crocodile crotch?
That lie was covered in snatch-up?
After one of ex’s rambling explanations of idiocy regarding some situation, I’d just look at him and say “Your diarrhea of the mouth is confirming that you do indeed have shit for brains”
He’s so full of shit, his ears are dripping!
He’s so full of shit, his eyes are brown.
Love it! Have to use that myself
I hollered ‘ass-fucking pig’ once in front of my daughter and she calmly asked me if it was the same as what I hollered the day before, ‘pig-fucking ass’.
And no, she is not related to the lying cheating doucheturd I was referring to.
Fun-ny! Your daughter must have a very good sense of humor. This just keeps giving me a good laugh. Thanks!
Oh chumps, you’re are all terrible Muriel!
How about – ‘Ah that one – she’s nothin’ but a septic scab on a whore’s tit!’
I like to use this line from Californication (I call that show immersion therapy) when the fucktard is saying something particularly ridiculous: “Twat? I cunt hear you!”
Love crushed’s daughter. Great sense of humor. Excellent mothering there:)
I was such a Pixies fan during the 1980s. Love this.
ALL I KNOW is that there were rumors…he was into hockey players..it was so hush-hush…
I so loved that band. Living in Boston in the ’80’s got to see them in small clubs. wooo Ye olde dayes.
Yay Pixies. I saw them here in Detroit in the 80’s.
” 3 gallons of crazy in a 2 gallon bucket”
Village Vagina
PF – this one’s a keeper. This describes stbx’s ho to a T! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!
When I was alone I would yell and scream: “Whore Fucking Bastard!” Acurate and satisfying.
When I’m really steamed at someone:
“Two-fisted double-throwdown Motherf*cker in front of the downtown hot dog store”
So nonsensical it always cracks me up!
I really thinl the good old, “Fuck you, you fucking fucker” works pretty well in most situations. Traffic, adultery, life.
OW is the Twat Troll. I don’t like the c-word, but if someone wants to call a cheater the c-word, I won’t object. That’s OW’s primary talent, anyway–being a twat who trolls for married fathers. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, there’s a twat troll under every rock, and it doesn’t take much to find one if you’re looking. Boy, was xH looking–the whole time we were together.
xH is just a pathetic coward–a covert narcissist, ripe for a disordered twat troll’s flattery. That’s worse to a male than being called a swear word, in my opinion.
I almost never swear, but when I had a discussion with STBX when he attempted to move pregnant OW in with him and the kids (contra the signed divorce agreement)…
When the kids are not with you, I don’t care if you fuck a flock of sheep…..
As for someone not very smart, or who had done something kinda dumb:
Not the sharpest spoon
When the kids are not with you, I don’t care if you fuck a flock of sheep…..
Laughing so hard I’m crying. I am an aussie girl so this really appeals to my twisted sense of humor
I don’t care if you fuck her buck naked and doggy-style on S——- Street. (the very short street MOW lives on.)
This week, on learning that the Amazing Skank Woman has been screwing at least one other man over the last year (as well as my husband and her own husband):
You could bury her in a Y-shaped coffin (from black adder); and
He’s not the only one stirring THAT porridge (just basic, glorious Australian vernacular, I think…)
She’s nothing more than something a little Monistat 7 wouldn’t cure. And all the Cialis in the world isn’t going to make his dick any bigger.
Skankawhorus Rex
The town bike (for most OW/OM, anyway)
Oxygen thief
Room-temperature IQ
And…my favourite: He’s a few french fries short of a happy meal (Or, in some cases, the burger and all the fries bar two – short of said happy meal)
(The other contributions are great, btw.)
My ex is a sax player who immediately got on a dating website after moving out and promoted himself as “ready to meet all your saxual needs” (My 12 and 15 year old sons discovered this!) Came to realize he was all about his dick and his horn, so I came up with a clever new name for him – Horny Dick! But yes, I have to admit, fucktard is the best!
PianoMom, I would openly start referring to him as Lord Spit Valve. “Saxual” needs? Really? What a maroon — which is straight from Bugs Bunny’s excellent insult repertoire and one of my faves.
Aw-right, Rally Squirrel! Let’s hear it for Bugs Bunny! ‘What an ultra-maroon. What a gulli-bull. What a nincowpoop.’
I personally think Bugs makes the perfect Chump Icon: as friendly and accommodating as can be until somebody crosses him, and then he kicks some major ass. The one with the snobby opera guy who keeps breaking all of Bugs’s instruments is just the best. “Of course you realize, this.means.war.” And then the snobby opera guy gets his ass kicked, and at the end Bugs is back playing his banjo.
Pure genius.
Yes, FoolMeTwice! Also nearly anything by Foghorn Leghorn.
“Son, I say son, you’re about as sharp as a bowl of Jell-O.”
“I keep pitchin’ ’em and you keep missin’ ’em.”
he’s so batshit crazy, even the squirrels think he’s nuts
he’s suffering from drain bamage
he sucks donkey dicks
pond scum breed mosquitoes and not much else
take a high dive on a sidewalk
eat shit and die
touch me again and you’ll pull back a bloody stump (hat’s off to CL, it’s an oldie for me too) But we tended to say Jesus Fucking Christ rather than Christ on a crutch.
and who can forget Scarface when you really need to feel badass (without the coke, I hope)? “When you fuck wit me you are fuckin with the best! Say hello to my leetle friend”
One of the many things I say about my ex is that he’s an asshat who shit in his mess kit.
Asshat being one who has his head up his ass so far he wears it as a hat; and for those who aren’t familiar, a mess kit is a compact kit of nested cooking and eating utensils for use by soldiers and campers.
I like to think I’m pro at what I prefer to call “colorful language”. Because really, I’m not a pottymouth. I just like to use all the words in my vocabulary. One of the many reasons I like it here so much! OK, my boss thinks I’m a pottymouth. Some little hypocrite reported me for saying “fuck” in a private conversation, so I get a written warning; then a co-worker overhears that same hypocrite saying it in a room full of people. Perfectly acceptable. Yeah, I get that.
Because i found out he was also into teen +/- middle aged skanks, young men, transvestites and anything on two (or four legs) and a fucked up narcissist in denial of an arch narcissists mummy’s boy …
Fucktard
Swamp donkey
Cocksucking fucktard swamp donkey
And of course NORMAN BATES
Thank you
I’m from the south and at one time I told my husband “You can shit and fall back in it.” My favorite is fuckstick, and my dad used to say “I saved your life today, I ran over a shit-eating dog” to people he didn’t like. My husband, during an argument called me a bitch once and I told him he was a fucking asshole. Hasn’t called me a name since! Lol. But some version of cursing with fuck liberally sprinkled in it suits me to a tee, and I will use it in public if need be.
The English are the best at fuck. This from a Sergeant Major at a POW camp, who wanted the prisoners to get back into their columns of five.
“Fuck off back into your fucking fumpfs, you fucking fuckers.”
as my friend says “your ex can really make your asshole pucker”
I am not much of a potty mouth, as a general rule. So over the last few years things have really heated up in the arguments with the STBX prior to D’Day and I would use the F word in several different forms, or my personal favorite ” you self absorbed prick” These would all receive the response of “watch your language, do you have to swear?” let me think on that “do I have to swear?” No but it is preferred to a murder charge. I personally do not like the word Douche as I used it once after secretly watching “the breakfast club” and as a result my mother went postal. so over the years I have deterred our son form using the word. He is now 15 and uses it often in reference to his father. I don’t stop him as I consider it could be a lot worse.
My fav’s I have come to love as a result of this site.
Mindfuckery
Skankawhoreus
Glittery turd
Mantrum
and my new peronall fav after reading todays posts -When the kids are not with you, I don’t care if you fuck a flock of sheep…..
still laughing over that one
Well fuck me with a broken gin bottle, that’s some cursing!
This doesnt relate to chumps or infidelity, but it’s my fave potty mouth expression, and we say it when someone leaves a door or cabinet open: “hey, that door’s not an asshole – it doesnt close by itself”. Always makes me laugh.
I think Steven Colbert can use this fir his new show on Late Night.
It can be a new Top 10 List
Thanks CL. This has been very entertaining.
My ww new name is Traveling Twat
Deep, dark eyes … Eyes like pissholes in the snow
I would much rather not … I’d rather suck the Red Army Chorus OR I’d rather drink cold cum from a sippy cup
Irritable…Crabbier than a Juarez whore
Wears too much perfume …Smells like a Persian whorehouse
An unpleasant person…Nastier than a bishop’s asshole
Some of my favorites from my family and friends:
Don’t piss on my head and tell me that it’s rain.
She’ll steal your right eye if you blink.
He’ll fuck anything that’s not moving and that doesn’t bite.
She’s a cock gobbling hobgoblin.
He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown.
He would be a motherfucker if you could find anyone’s mother who was willing to fuck him.
One more:
If you want to kick some ass, you had better bring some ass.
Expression of surprise … Jesus in the garden picking daisies!
I usually say “Holy Tap-dancing Jesus!!”
I told my STBX all he was good at was academic masterbation.
Also that he has the intellectual agility of a small soap dish.
Can’t control myself. Must have a Limerick.
There was a young man from Kent
Whose ‘tool’ was exceedingly bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
Excellent!
LOVE IT!
He’s a jagoff.
This is as much as I can remember of an awesome rant by an actual chump to a cheater. I wish I remembered it all, and there WAS more…..but it was EPIC:
“You pin-headed, booger-mining, low-life, whore-hopping, monkey-spanking, weasel-dicked, slack-jawed, metamorphic-moron, get the hell out of here so fast that for 30 minutes air will fill the vacuum you create as you don’t let your shirttail hit your back before the door shuts behind you. Oh, and don’t forget your pants. I don’t run a coin-operated laundry like Miss Spin Cycle does.”
Some Shakespearean insults:
Thou gorbellied whoreson flax-wench!
Thou art withered like an old apple-john.
Thou saucy pottle-deep flap-dragon!
Thou odiferous spur-galled popinjay!
Thou frothy base-court horn-beast!
She/he is so ugly that when they were born the doctor slapped their Momma!
So evil she/he could be training Satan.
Having the IQ of brocolli……….or pond scum.
When you are around the local sheep get nervous. (To my exh.)
I’ve also always liked fuckhead….and evil twit.
I really love the standard southern “Bless your heart.” which means …You are so obviously such an idiot you deserve nothing but pity……which is a great way to insult someone without them knowing it…unless they are southern too.
And last but not least “You are a FUBAR type person” as in …Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition…
One of my favourites is ” she’s covered in pecker tracks”.
My Dad always said “why don ‘t women have hair on their chests?” And the answer was because grass doesn’t grow on a playground. And he would then point out that so and so had a nice set of swings.
I grew up in a small town. I am sure that I will come up with some more after a good coffee !
To my XH the morning after I discovered his many infidelities:
“You would fuck a plank of wood if it had a hole in it you dirty low down dog c*nt.”
and later in the conversation:
“Well she must be fucked in the head fucking you because you couldn’t fuck your way out of a paper bag.”
But I am Australian – we love the c word and clearly I am a classy girl
Oh yeah, I just thought of another favorite one!
Cocksmooch
Hi All
Haven’t posted for AGES and just dashing through now !
Some awesome cussing going on here
Tosspotopath – makes me laugh a lot – and describes my ex to a tee.
And a saying that has become more and more profound the longer I’ve had to deal with that f’ing Tosspostopath:
‘He thinks his shit smells of roses’.
Love to all
PS:
A’ tosspot ‘- is a wanker
As is ‘tosser’.
Tosspotopath = ‘wanker-sociopath / wanker-psychopath
Is ‘wanker’ internationally understood, or just a British insult?
Wanker – someone who masturbates – and not in a good way!!!!!
When you lay with dogs, you’re bound to get fleas.
Why do you ALWAYS think shit is all about you & your fucking daily drama. You need to ram it up your ass you fucking NARC. OR in the words of Vinney Barbarino “Up your nose with a rubber hose”
Meh being nice with nose.
favorite dismissive comment for losers: Total Waste of Sperm
My side of the family refers to my stbx as ‘super sphincter man’ or ‘giant sphincter man’
I happen to love fuckwit, fucktard, asshat and skankahorus that I learned from CL.
Few sayings-
So ugly that he/she could scare a pit bull off a meat truck
Any ‘ port ‘ in a storm
He/she looks like they have been rode hard & put away wet
He/she couldn’t get laid unless they had $100 taped to their forehead
Long ago, I worked with this girl named Dina. She was rather proper in many ways, but had an “edge” to her. (She reminded me of a more hard-core version of Diane from “Cheers”, if that gives you any idea.) Dina was really cool, and I was glad we were on the “same side.”
Well, this new girl was hired. She was very pretty, and knew it, but pretended like she didn’t, and also pretended not to notice male attention, as she was actively soliciting it. We tolerated her until she started coming on to men who were taken, and one was Dina’s fiance, who also worked with us. He was a good guy, loyal to Dina, but no woman wants to stand there and watch another female come on to her guy.
One day, Dina had had enough, and she confronted this bitch, with words that still ring in my ears: “You are a cum-gurgling whorebitch from hell!”
I have had occasion to use this phrase, and I do so. It’s one of my favorites.
Ooh I heard this one from a foul-mouthed teenage girl, never heard the term before but certainly is appropriate yet loathesome to describe my XW and her many affairs… “cum dumpster”. I won’t actually say it out loud though.
Strangely, just calling her a “Lying, Cheating, Whore” summed it up as an honest and accurate description, which bothered her more than any cussing – as she could dismiss cussing as me trying so hard to be nasty.
I call OW the store whore, she’s been passed around more than a bag of chips. I call stupid ex the fucking idiot. Although fuckwit and fucktard have been really good ones.
These are so great! My family and friends have coined the XH n the ho as follows:
“all this for a dirty bitch” by my MIL!
“fucker bastard” by my girlfriend
“rat bastard” by another gf
“jackwad” by my gf
“assfuck” my gf
“xl douche bag”
“whore bitch”
“daddy dearest”
“their souls are bleached in sin” my gf
There are so many more…
This applies to the other woman who really is a hoe (at least she was in highschool)…
If Dicks could fly, her mouth would be an airport.
After spending time in the infantry and field artillery I thought I had a good grasp of profanity, but I have to admit “fuck-tard” is a new one, and I like it!
I used “lying bitch” a lot, I figured that the big C was only used to end it all. For her “soul mate” I used: ass-wipe, piss-ant, fuck-up, ass-hole, candy-assed, straight-legged (I used to be a paratrooper and had complete and utter distain for anyone not airborne qualified) cock-sucker, and of course – mother-fucker.
I believe while my recent ex was trying to justify his extra curricular by spouting out some nonsense of we weren’t “really” married blah blah blah (we really are lol) I pointed at my wedding ring and said you know what this makes me your wife you idiot you know what it makes you a ratchety cheating whore ( you can substitute mother fucker for whore if you like i do)
I wish I had found this sooner!!! One of my hobbies after dday 2 was trying to find worse obscenities, the tried and true were just not nasty enough!
My two favorites
This one needs gestures for the complete effect-
Cross your arms, hands up, double bird while saying “cross fucker!” makes everyone laugh
The second is simpler but the visuals it conjures, well… recycled douchbag! That one made my niece spit her drink. LOL
As bitchy as an un-fucked cunt.
Chump Lady – May 2014:
To any recovered Chump reading this email, Chump Nation needs you. Could you spare a few minutes to help drum-up support for Chump Lady’s (Tracy’s) new book?
Go to this forum post, and see if you have anything to add.
http://www.chumplady.com/forums/topic/advocacy-for-chump-rights/
If nothing else, could you come over to the forum, start a thread, and give us new Chumps your experience with that “Gain a Life” thing?