I can’t look away! Chumps keep sending me these clips and I’m helpless to not write about Tori Spelling and Dean Whatzitsname.
You know, the reality TV couple who put the “retch” in reconciliation. Boy, they sure make it look fun, don’t they?
In the season finale (which I missed, I confess I just enjoy the video clips and recaps… and my outraged chump mail) — Dean must leave for Toronto. The canucks want him. (No tag backs, Canada!) He is essential to the Food Network production “Chopped Canada,” which is a show about… fenced auto parts? venison? maple syrup recipes? What do they cook in Canada anyway? I thought people just shoot caribou from their backyards and drag it home for dinner each night. When they’re not ice fishing, that is.
Anyway — it’s a real pickle of a dilemma.
Dean: “I must go!”
Dean: “I must go!”
Tori: “Snchnnnick…gonna…ggAAIIHHH…CHEAT ON ME! Ggvnbenotbhoooooo!!”
Tori, not completely without reason (perhaps she botoxed herself some), thinks Dean will cheat on her in Toronto, because that’s what he did last time, thus gifting the couple with a new reality TV series.
Why a TV series? Her therapist said she thought “Tori wouldn’t have found her voice” had she not filmed her reconciliation. A grateful nation thanks you, Dr. Wexler. As a person who warns people about the risks of reconciliation with fucktards, you are doing a public service filming this crazy. I can’t buy this kind of PR.
Anywho, Tori is worried Dean will cheat again with Emily Goodwank.
Dean just stammers that, gosh, he has to work in Canada because it’s the only place that will have him. Okay, really he’s on contract. But I suspect this to be true about Canada. How can an actor, with Spelling connections NOT get a job in Los Angeles? Not even a television commercial? Infomerical? Weather reader? Can someone in California employ this man?
Tori is freaked out! Previous methods to get him to commit to her have not been successful. There was stealing him away from his first wife (can you BELIEVE he was COMMITTED to another woman when they met? That had to be nipped right quick.) He came around and married her, but she must’ve had her doubts because according to the big final season reveal — she had her name tattooed above his penis.
It says “Tori’s.”
Tori wanly jokes. “I mean clearly that didn’t stop him.”
No Tori, dealing with a serial cheating fuckwit like Dean McDermott calls for stronger measures. Had you considered a branding iron? Having him chipped? Home arrest monitoring anklets? Perhaps a Prince Albert? (a penis ring). Then you could tether him to things when you weren’t using him.
Just some suggestions, Tori.
Just as Dean relents, “I can’t go!” Tori decides to bravely let Canada have Dean.
“It means everything to me that you wouldn’t go but you have to go,” she said. “We can’t let one huge mistake define us. This is your career, babe.”
Oh Tori, it’s your career too. He cheats again? I see Season 2 in your future.