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When Tattooing His Penis Just Isn’t Enough

I can’t look away! Chumps keep sending me these clips and I’m helpless to not write about Tori Spelling and Dean Whatzitsname.

You know, the reality TV couple who put the “retch” in reconciliation. Boy, they sure make it look fun, don’t they?

In the season finale (which I missed, I confess I just enjoy the video clips and recaps… and my outraged chump mail) — Dean must leave for Toronto. The canucks want him. (No tag backs, Canada!) He is essential to the Food Network production “Chopped Canada,” which is a show about… fenced auto parts? venison? maple syrup recipes? What do they cook in Canada anyway? I thought people just shoot caribou from their backyards and drag it home for dinner each night. When they’re not ice fishing, that is.

Anyway — it’s a real pickle of a dilemma.

Dean: “I must go!”

Tori: “Waaaah!”

Dean: “I must go!”

Tori: “Snchnnnick…gonna…ggAAIIHHH…CHEAT ON ME! Ggvnbenotbhoooooo!!”

Tori, not completely without reason (perhaps she botoxed herself some), thinks Dean will cheat on her in Toronto, because that’s what he did last time, thus gifting the couple with a new reality TV series.

Why a TV series? Her therapist said she thought “Tori wouldn’t have found her voice” had she not filmed her reconciliation. A grateful nation thanks you, Dr. Wexler. As a person who warns people about the risks of reconciliation with fucktards, you are doing a public service filming this crazy. I can’t buy this kind of PR.

Anywho, Tori is worried Dean will cheat again with Emily Goodwank.

Dean just stammers that, gosh, he has to work in Canada because it’s the only place that will have him. Okay, really he’s on contract. But I suspect this to be true about Canada. How can an actor, with Spelling connections NOT get a job in Los Angeles? Not even a television commercial? Infomerical? Weather reader? Can someone in California employ this man?

Tori is freaked out! Previous methods to get him to commit to her have not been successful. There was stealing him away from his first wife (can you BELIEVE he was COMMITTED to another woman when they met? That had to be nipped right quick.) He came around and married her, but she must’ve had her doubts because according to the big final season reveal — she had her name tattooed above his penis.

It says “Tori’s.”

Tori wanly jokes. “I mean clearly that didn’t stop him.”

No Tori, dealing with a serial cheating fuckwit like Dean McDermott calls for stronger measures. Had you considered a branding iron? Having him chipped? Home arrest monitoring anklets? Perhaps a Prince Albert? (a penis ring). Then you could tether him to things when you weren’t using him.

Just some suggestions, Tori.

Just as Dean relents, “I can’t go!” Tori decides to bravely let Canada have Dean.

“It means everything to me that you wouldn’t go but you have to go,” she said. “We can’t let one huge mistake define us. This is your career, babe.”

Oh Tori, it’s your career too. He cheats again? I see Season 2 in your future.

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  • OMG, I was laughing so hard I had to pee! The Prince Albert ring comment! Thanks for that ChumpLady!

  • Tattoo? Surely she’s kidding!
    Let’s assume she’s not. Only a woman NOT in her right mind would go near that thing w/ “Tori’s” tattooed above it.

    That has to be the very worse repellent out there – you know, aside from a wedding band!

    Clearly neither worked for whoever was lucky enough to get Dean. Gah.

    • Omg, ExH got the word “YES” tattooed above his junk… some favorite poem of the OW’s I think. Saw it the night before false reconciliation blew up. Yuck.

    • Hahaha… reminds me of the blonde my ex ran off with.. she had my ex’s date of birth tattooed up her arm a couple of weeks after he ran off with her :-). Idiot

  • “No tag backs, Canada” lololol, TAKE THEM BOTH. I wish they’d give his ex-wife a show of her watching their show and laaaauuuuughing with her popcorn. I’d totally watch that version.

    • Only if we get to see the snarky commentary while she is eating the popcorn….THANK YOU TORI for taking THIS off my hands

  • What man agrees to a tattoo above his pecker declaring that it belongs to his wife? I get writing your name on your underwear when you go to summer camp, but . . . your dong? And what woman would even *want* that? Did p*ssy-whipped become attractive when I wasn’t looking? And if another gal sees the tatt, the battle’s pretty much been lost, right?

    Just remember: Tori spelled backwards is “I Rot.” And Dean spelled backward is “I’m a pathetic and peckerless punchline.”

    • “And if another gal sees the tatt, the battle’s pretty much been lost, right?”
      Can we please tweet them this stuff? Because that needs to be heard.

    • Well I think you’ve identified the problem, nomar. She didn’t write her ADDRESS. She didn’t say WHICH Tori. The Other Woman didn’t know where to return Dean to, so he was as good as lost ‘n found.

      My camp trunk had my address on it.

    • Nomar,
      I do the same thing with my grand daughters’ toys. They all have her name on them , so when she’s at the sand box everyone can share & play with them.
      When it is time to go, we know whose toys belong to whom .
      It’s just that simple with your name on a cock.
      Everyone can play with it, but everyone knows who it belongs to.

      • Hm. Maybe Dean’s kindergarten experience was just really thorough in teaching the kids to “share your toys.”

        • I doubt Dean made it as far as Kindergarten .
          Damn, that is some bad acting: “Cut! Dean, baby, we need a little more anguish/face scrunching.”

      • Yes, plus there are probably hundreds women named “Tori” who would love to be the OW….so there are still lots of cheating options, without breaking any tattoo rules.

    • I guess that means when he looks down to pee, he sees “I ROT” every morning……

      Is it wrong that I laughed throughout the whole video clip?

      • OK, that comment intrigued me enough to watch that. His acting is terrible.

        And … oh boy. Some day their kids are going to see that.

      • Oh my – I can’t stop laughing

        Every post as made me laugh and what a joy to have a good laugh when so much has sucked for the last 3 1/2 years.

        Namedforvera – I could not stop laughing after seeing your comment ” when he looks down to pee, he sees “I ROT”. My STBX doesn’t have a tattoo on his “Needle dick” (there is no room even at his best) but he thinks it’s mighty and must be shared.

        The good news is I am moving out of state in 10 days. Divorce should be final before then and if not I do not have to appear in court. With todays technology, I can sign off electrically. The same technology that allowed him to cheat so easily.

        That you CL and the Chump Nation of beauitful strong women who have help me realize “that they suck”. I am “leaving a cheater and gaining a life”!

  • Wow…the penis tattoo…that’s one helluva visual to start your day isn’t it? Just…ick. WHO DOES THAT????

    I just wish these two would just crawl back under the rock they came from and leave us all alone. They’re completely irrelevant. And their attempts to stay in the limelight hurt my brain. A lot.

    I’m still calling bullshit on this whole “Dean Cheated on Me” storyline – has anything ever surfaced on his affair partner? Do we even know what her real name is? I can’t believe in this day of TMZ that the identity of this person is still under wraps. I’m willing to bet that this whole drama is a set up to bump ratings.

    Which leads me to wonder what will they think up of next when this doesn’t work?

  • I just dont get it. I dont watch it or care to. He looks like a total scum bag to me.
    Lying dirt ball,,,,speaking of lying I caught the wife again lying about shit stupid shit but dead panned lied to me about it,,, what the fuck am I going to do. This sucks why cant you just tell the fucking TRUTH ?? !! And keep shit in my marriage in my marriage wtf !

    • I’m sorry, Michael. It never gets any easier. I wish she didn’t do this to you. You don’t deserve it. You are so much better than her. Hugs.

      • CL my bad didnt mean to jack the thread. I just got a lot pissed off at this dirt bag my bad sorry.

        • Michael – I can relate as well. It is heartbreaking to know that they are flat-out lying. And it’s creepy to see their dead-lizard-eyes…cold and heartless…while they lie to you, to your face. I’ve been through this with my ex. I felt my heart breaking with every cold-faced lie.

          Now, I expect that when he’s moving his mouth, he’s lying. Or, telling small truths to get what he wants. The pain has eased, but it was a hard road to accept this about my ex.

          • We are (thank god!) divorced and I’m still learning to accept this truth. He lies about things he doesn’t even need to lie about anymore. I think it’s because he’s so used to it and that he still wants to preserve whatever image he thinks he’s got with me. I always check on stuff he says and hes always lying. I don’t even try to call him out anymore because he lies about that too. Michael – I’m so sorrry you have to deal with this, but unfortunately that’s probably who she is. I agree with LUD – if the mouth is moving, it’s a lie!

    • Micheal, my husband of 27 years looked me in the eye and swore he had not been in contact with the OW. Days later, I discovered a card with her new address and phone number in HIS handwriting, This was after he was caught getting a BJ from her on our anniversary, Can’t make this shit up… I reached a point that I knew I was never going to get the truth from him and I never did.

      I have read about your situation and can so relate to what you are trying to do. Just be sure to have an exit strategy. I did and it helped so much. I know your primary concern is your sons. Have you talked with a lawyer about your chances of getting custody? These days, courts are far more fair than before, so don’t assume your wife will automatically get custody. In the meantime, take care of yourself because what you are going through is just plain wrong.

    • Mike, Your wife is a sociopath. Ask me how I know. I spent 22 years looking into dead eyes like that and wondering WTF? She won’t change. Can’t, I think. It’s like expecting your pet cat to stop chasing and killing birds or expecting Tori & Dean to shy away from a camera. Honesty isn’t in your wife’s character. Or empathy. Include these facts in ALL your expectations.

      Wishing you strength.

      • Not much to add, MichaelD, except a big hug and an imaginary cup of tea.

        Trust that they suck.


        • Thanks all & much love to you all,,,,,,,, I’m sorry I really didnt mean to jack the thread.
          Your right Nomar my expecations. Thanks 🙂

          • Michael,

            Have a pat response to her lying,..always the same… always brief. Look her dead in the eyes with an expressionless (Cultivate shark-eyes if you can.) face and say, “I’m not buying that.” then walk away and go find something else to do. Don’t re-engage.

            Over time this will be crazy-making for her and she’s gonna up the ante with more profuse explanations…er… lies. It will be a sort of reverse “Pick Me” dance. Never, ever let it appear to affect you.

            Always, always (calm as a tomb), “I’m not buying that.” [End conversation}

            • Thank you NotYou. A perfect, perfect phrase for me to say. I am treading into deeper waters with my H and have now made the choice to FIRE HIS ASS from our marriage. He failed to meet minimum standards which resulted in breach of contract….(translation–AFFAIR) I desperately needed something to say to him when he starts his lying and setting me up by hitting all the triggers. This is my greatest need…how to respond and not lose my cool. I have tried to maintain no contact. It has been a life and sanity saver. But, life has thrown a few curve balls at me. My mom and sister in law have been diagnosed with Cancer 3 weeks apart. I am their caregiver. Neither have other local resources (except H. who my mother refuses to see or talk to). My husband is only helpful when his other sister, who lives in another state, tells him to be. He wouldn’t volunteer, unless someone is watching. My job is at stake (I work out of town) and my H is constantly telling me to find another job ( Oh yes, I can fit that in somewhere) and he doesn’t understand why I don”t work enough “to live up to my monetary potential”. I care for both women who I love very much. My SIL home also flooded recently and I am taking care of the repairs as well as all her personal business. I go to an overnight assignment when I can (both ladies have to be stable for two days). Needless to say, there are many times I MUST talk with H and I lose every time. “I’m not buying that” will be used whenever possible. It will become my temporary mantra.

              • I’m rooting for ya, too patticake! Hang in there and don’t allow him to see you sweat.

            • notyou

              SHUT THE FRONT DOOR !! It worked I just said it shut up and stepped back AND her head exploded tee hee thank you I now have a new weapon 🙂

              • I love it, Sweetpea! 🙂

                What you now have at your disposal is a potent behavior management strategy with the potential to elicit some different responses from her. What you are doing is very politely “dumping HER lying problem right back on HER shoulders” and having nothing to do with it. Leaving her to figure out whether or not she wants to solve that problem.

                Eventually she’ll get the message that when she tells truth, you listen; but when she lies, you do not make yourself a party to it.

                Under no circumstances editorialize, your behavior will SHOW her what you respect and attend to and what you don’t respect and will not attend to.

              • Oh, and Michael, she IS going to step up her efforts to get you to react. It’s called an “extinction burst”. Under no circumstances do you allow her to push your buttons with this. Just be cool, even nice, every time you hand that problem back to her.

              • Glad to hear it Michael! Another one I have used is “Stop, just…stop. Have some self respect.”

              • whodathunk,

                I have a reason for supplying him with those precise words. Stating it in that way is called, “The Art of The Enforceable Statement.” He can fully enforce, “I’m not buying that,” (his own behavior) by saying it and then not participating. This is empowering for him.

                He can’t enforce telling her “Stop.” (Well…not without duct tape on her or “Have some self-respect”. That’s HER job to figure those two out.

                Works very well with children, too:


              • Notyou: ahhh, yes, I do see the difference. Point taken, & noted. Perhaps that’s the sentence I need to add to my quiver! Thanks!!

              • Thanks a ton Not 🙂 and thank all of you I am humbled by all of you 🙂

          • Michael,

            If you’re hanging around for more punishment until you set up your exit plan you might as well have some fun with her. Next time she’s getting ready to go out with ‘friends’ tell her its a shame you’re not attracted to her any more. That’ll blow her mind.

      • Notyou,

        I have just found a perfumed t shirt given to him for remembrance aka to jack off with when she is not there, in his drawer of t shirts in MY house, supposedly my safe place.

        Time for limbo to end, and time to face the lies in divorce/mediation. Can the chumps think of a British phrase that equals ‘I am not buying that’?

        ‘I am not believing that’?
        I am not accepting that?
        I am not …

        • Patsy,

          You are so right! I’m not a Brit and the precise wording of such statements for a Brit would be slightly different.

          [Perhaps, “I won’t accept that at face value.” ??] Not “I can’t” but “I won’t.”

          Exact words used, active or passive voice, the context, consistency of same response to same misbehavior.. ALL are important. But the crux of the matter is putting your little “bit” out there with TOTAL control of your emotions, dumping the problem right BACK on the cheater, and then disengaging.

          We’re not trying to be confrontational here. We are trying to be manipulative. (Yes! Manipulative behavior CAN be used for constructive purposes!)

          And, it seems like these are such small verbal exchanges but they really aren’t when you think about the personal empowerment inherent in them.

          They must be worded so that our power to control our own behavior is clearly communicated.. but inoffensively. That way the other can’t latch on and blame shift….as in, “You are being a bastard/bitch…blah..blah.”

          This strategy puts the misbehaving person in a position of having to change their behavior if they wish to engage with you.

          Once we are sucked into arguing we’ve lost that contest of wills AND control of our own behavior in the moment….which then becomes moment.. after moment…after moment!

          Hope this is making sense. Same technique used by teachers here…may be useful for ideas….

          Ha, when people act like children, you get to respond to them like children 🙂

          • Patsy,

            I think I’d have had to mail the t-shirt back to her… no return address and postage due… in a box….with a bowling ball.

            What fucking gall! I suspect my X would have known better.

            Got you a real winner Patsy?

      • It’s weird that her name happens to be like something out of a Bond film, like Dr Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Pussy Galore (Goldfinger), etc.

        I think they dropped the ball with Plenty O’Toole in “Diamonds Are Forever”,though (and even mocked themselves when introducing the character):

        Plenty O’Toole: Hi, I’m Plenty.
        James Bond: But of course you are.
        Plenty O’Toole: Plenty O’Toole.
        James Bond: Named after your father perhaps?

        • Those are the names in the Ian Fleming James Bond books that the movies are based on, and that dialogue is straight out of the book.

          • I call the OW Ayeesha. Because she is a hindu and it has just enough echo of her real name, and because she is a stupid young woman fucked by the prophet.

  • Dear Lord,
    Thank you for not allowing cameras or recording devices anywhere near the scene of my breakdowns. Love, Doop

    Painful to watch because it reminds me of similar humiliating conversations. I remain amazed at how they (and we chumps) follow the same universal script. Life is funny – I never would think I’d relate to Tori. But, I said and he said so many of the same things as Dean and Tori, with the exception of “how are you going to leave to film Chopped Canada 2 (trademark) (Check your local listings,folks)”…at least the X never used our fighting time to promote his latest gig. I’ll make a note to the old gratitude list for that.

    Ugh. Will someone think of their children?

    • That’s who I feel most sorry for-those poor kids! Can you imagine how they are going to feel when they realize their parents sold their childhood for pieces of gold? Brings the discussion of NPD parents to a whole new level. As far as the “Tori and Dean” brand go, I can only say they truly deserve each other “on a deep- down-soul kind of level.” Barf!

    • I’m echoing your prayer, Doop. XH NEVER saw any of my crush-the-soul crying jags – I refused to let him know he hurt me that much.

      But to televise it? No, thanks. Once in the privacy of my bedroom by myself was enough.

      • Oh, sadly Red, I had adopted the philosophy of not sparing him a second of the pain I created. I emoted all over the place, like a C-list Hollywood reality star. And I when I start to regret that, I reminder I don’t give a rat’s ass about what X thinks of me anymore, and can merely hope the guilt of the pain he inflicted haunts him occasionally. What can I say? I’m an optimist!

        Fortunately, I was able to (mostly) contain the hysterical wailing to X, the privacy of my bedroom, and the office of the World’s Greatest Counselor.

        Tori’s spectacle has served a useful public service…to remind me that, like our dear cohort, I am so GLAD IT’S OVER!

          • I made a complete fool of myself with my emoting. Gawd. And it wasn’t pick me dancing, it was the “omg what have you done to me you asshole” type. I only found out a few months ago, but I still cringe – wish I had acted a bit more like a composed sane lady instead of psycho head spinner. Yikes.

  • I feel like this show makes a mockery of the real pain that chumps go through behind closed doors. Ddays are misery and reconciliation sounds even worse. To see them broadcast this farse for all the world to see is just insulting.

    • The fact that infidelity makes pretty much all chumps seeking reconciliation act like Tori F*cking Spelling might be the best argument yet against reconciliation.

      • Similarly, I doubt I’m the only Chump who had the very clear feeling after D-day that I was living a reality TV show. Meaning, it felt very UN-real.

        • Totally nailed that one Nomar. I felt like that too. Plus the OW’s husband’s first name is the same as my ex’s first name. My first thought was ” well, at least she won’t get them confused in bed”. My next thought was “Wow, when did my life become a Jerry Springer episode??!!”

          • Lol, I’ve said that so many times since dday. Life feels like Jerry Springer on a continuous loop now. Sigh.

          • True. Though I never let him see me cry because it would just feed his fucking ego, I do tell my friends who want to know if they want the Cliff Note version or the Jerry Springer version. It’s pretty salacious.

            It still feels UN real.

        • So many times, after I’d talk about the latest cheating or other scummy shenanigans, I’d caught myself asking, incredulousy, “this is MY life? Really? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Really? REALLY?”

          No mo’ reality show.

  • Retch is right. I’m sorry – Karma is a bitch Tori. It is hard to feel sorry for her – imagining his PREVIOUS wife having the same conversation because of her involvement with the fucktard. He owns the cheating but she owns the being a whore involved with someone who is obviously married.

  • What a trainwreck. I had the same thought…I label my kid’s lunch bag for field trips, but forgot to label Captain Marvelous’ winkie for his field trips…sigh. Blech

    I admit to watching an episode of this mess on DVR while my kids were doing homework in another room…and my son walked in and says, “Who’s that skinny lady? She needs a doughnut!” So for all of us chumps who thought our exes cheated because we weren’t skinny enough…Tori has clearly and scientifically challenged the “they won’t cheat if you’re skinny” line. LOLOLOL

    • “I label my kid’s lunch bag for field trips, but forgot to label Captain Marvelous’ winkie for his field trips…sigh”

      Love this!

  • Disturbing, bizarre– I’ve heard of penis envy before, but this is taking it to a new level: proxy penis–and recording and editing this control-freak, narcissistic pain circus for a television audience?

    And I thought I over-shared at the grocery store when people made the mistake of asking, “How are you?”. I still want to do a little 1950s dance (maybe “the twist”) out of embarrassment whenever I accidentally recall my episodes of over-sharing, and this is way, way, way more Epic.

      • I would love a post on over sharing… And how to stop. It’s been almost 18 months since d-day! I’m divorced, and he’s remarried to the ow. The over sharing to strangers has slowed, but it’s really hard!

        • I told the IRS guy (at 7 months pregnant) and he gave me a motherfucking religious quote about David begetting Solomon. Which I guess is apt since David stole somebody else’s wife but didn’t help at all with my tax question or morale. I wanted to punch him in the face.

      • Ha, I told a lady sitting across from me at the airport when I left him. She probably regretted asking me where I was traveling to.

      • I told the clerk working the cash register at Walgreens. It felt freeing at the time. I bet it was awkward for her, though. (I wasn’t crying or anything, it was actually a casual remark/admission), but still, she didn’t really know how to respond. She knew I wasn’t kidding, though, and said she was sorry. It was more emotion than I got from my cheating ex, at the time.

        • We were adding a bathroom during our drama (the kids called the plumber “uncle”). Poor dude knew EVERYTHING….

          • Remember Murphy Brown ?
            She always had her painter, Eldon, to share her ups & downs with.
            Same thing with your plumber …. they are easy to share , with because they will kindly listen, really not have an opinion, and leave afterwards .

        • I told the clerk at Walgreens too! I told some parents at my kid’s school. I told my mother’s manic depressive friend. I told my orthodox cousins during a Channukah party! But this Tori and Dean show is really embarrassing. After D-day I went off Facebook. I went underground virtually and went for human connection. It’s one thing to tell the grocer to connect to another human being and another to make your shame a reality tv show.

          Like slobbering Tori (without the nasaliy amd tears) I demnded that my ex “make things right” and “do something to fix what he did” and he said “I would not expect that from me” A truer sentence he never uttered.

            • Every person who checked my id at the us embassy got a teary earful of gibberish – give me a new passport so I can fucking leave this land of Dean McDermott and Canadian cheaters – waaaaaah. Then my credit card didn’t work so I had to leave, run to the ATM and see them all 2 more times. Still had vomit on me from the retching in heartbreak on the subway – rush hour! – sobbing and all boogery and I looked worse than the meth heads who leapt out of my pathetic way. This was 6 weeks ago lol. Oy.

              • Oh, you made me laugh Rock Star, but I am sure it wasn’t funny then! The things we have done. I told the lawn man who was unlucky enough to be there when I came out of my house sobbing the day after D-Day to take my son to lacrosse practice- he offered to punch my then- husband if he saw him. 🙂


        I told a corporate rep from a big real estate company. And, guess what? She went through the same thing when she was my same age! We talked on the phone like old friends. She even called me back a few weeks later just to see how the house search was going and to see if I was handling everything okay.

        I often see this quote floating around Pinterest and I LOVE IT. “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better”

      • Please do a post on over sharing. I even told a cop who pulled me over for speeding
        (only slightly) after D-day. Got me out of the ticket though. Guess she felt sorry for
        me. Even told my Starbuck barista. They noticed my carload of stuff I was moving.
        Got me a free coffee. My Mom who hated my ex told her plumber, landscaper and
        half of my hometown. She said if it wasn’t illegal she would pay for a billboard outing
        him as a serial cheating narc.

        P.S.- Keep doing the Tori posts. Got me out of a self-induced pity party. Funny out someone else’s dysfunction can bitch slap you back into reality.

      • I am dating my exH’s OW’s husband…..I know crazy……..and we find ourselves telling strangers we happen across about our crazy situation! It’s pretty entertaining to see their faces to be honest with you. But we were once at a concert together and a group of people celebrating in the parking lot said what a cute couple we made (he is still processing thru his divorce and I was still going thru mine at the time) and they asked us how long we had been married. He said 28 years, I said 23 years. The group looked confused. I said, oh…..we are both married, just not to each other! Of course, this got them all thinking. Then I said, it’s okay……..his wife has been having an affair with my husband for five years!!! Then we shared our story and these folks LOVED us!!!! They started chanting “FUCK…(insert my exH name)”!!!!!! It was EPIC!!!

      • When I was kid there was a sign (black square with a white hand print on it), and anyone displaying it in the front window of their house was a “Helping Hand.” Kids walking to and from school were told they could stop at those houses if they ever needed anything.

        I think we need a secret Chump sign to wear in public, so that other chumps in the over-sharing stage know they can come pour out the sordid, endless details of their situations in a safe environment! Maybe a Livestrong style bracelet would work–preferably in rainbow colors and printed with the phrase “I don’t believe in unicorns.”

      • I cried in public ALOT, so much it stopped being uncomfortable (for me, anyway). ugh. Will never forget the cook coming out of the kitchen to ask if the food was alright after I had a meltdown in a restaurant.

        • I’ve been through many funerals and other sad events and was always able to be stoic in public. But both the run-up to d-day and after–I just couldn’t stop the tears. For me, it was worst at mass. There was something about sitting in that quiet space that just tapped all of that terrible sadness.

          • I had the same problem – I was fine everywhere in public EXCEPT church. I was a blubbering fool. I think it was the meditative time to really study the bible passages and I saw a whole new level of meaning in those passages. I have found reading the bible very comforting during this time of crisis. There is so much wisdom to be found in those pages. For me, having faith in God that it will work out and I will be ok if I am patient and just wait to see His plan for me has helped me navigate this mess. My church has been amazing and I don’t know if I could have gotten through this mess without them. I am stunned how many members have had a similarly story. It has been 10 months since Dday.

      • LOL…when I got my cable installed at my new house after I left him, the poor cable guy heard the WHOLE STORY. He was actually really nice and got offended for me as well. It was like I needed to let the world know what an asshole my ex was. I even wrote my cheating ex”s name on a dollar bill stating “Asshole middle initial last name” is a cheater and I went and spent it in his (our old) neighborhood.

  • Dean Whatshisname should be the poster guy for stray penis…………oh wait, maybe penis amnesia since he couldn’t remember which vagina he vowed to be exclusive with even with her name tattooed above it!!!!!

    • Apparently the penis’ rightful owner’s name was tattooed above it.

      Maybe it should have been tattooed in reverse so he could see it in a mirror… or upside down so he could read it when looking at his penis?

      It does put another level of weird on the Goodhand fuckfest, though.

      Apparently, Ms Goodhand had sex with a man who had his wife’s name tatooed above his penis?

  • Just a rumor, but I heard Tori had the logo for the Lifetime Network tattooed above her lady bits. That should ensure she won’t shop any sequels to Bravo or The History Channel.

  • CL, I think it’s good to call out other celebrity cheaters and reveal their vile behavior, especially to the wife, like:

    Julia Roberts, who was the OW and tried to publicly humiliate the wife into granting her husband a fast divorce. Now apparently there are troubles in Julia’s marriage, with her suspecting him of cheating.

    Cheryl Hines (of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame), who tweeted pics of herself with RFK Jr., while he was still married to Mary Kennedy, going out to public functions together, with Mary’s children; hanging out with Mary’s best friends (e.g., Glenn Close); with Mary’s children; and tweeted about conversations she had with Mary’s children. Many people think these tweets helped drive Mary to commit suicide, so Cheryl stopped them after Mary’s death. Also, RFK Jr. was particularly vicious to Mary, attacking her in public and getting sole custody of the kids. I do feel a little sorry for Mary, but my sympathy is limited, as she is a former OW who was already pregnant when RFK Jr. divorced his first wife.

    It seems like part of the “fun” for the OW is smacking down the wife and basking in the glory of some sort of “victory.” These two actresses used their media access to do this all publicly.

    • Blue, you could not be more right and Mary was clearly vunerable. I don’t care if RFK Jr. discovers the cure for cancer, he will always be a complete and total dick in my book. I believe he intentionally drove Mary to suicide, and then hijacked her funeral because they were technically still married. I do not know how her family controlled their anger; I would probably be in jail if someone did that to my daughter/sister. And yes, he was a total dick to his first wife, too. I am told that he is one of those people that everyone is nice to in person and reviled the minute he walks out the door (I know someone who went to school with his first wife).

    • I definitely get the competition, Blue – I wanted to win the “Pick me” dance.

      These days, I’m glad I didn’t.

  • Okay, this amuses me. Two people have already found this article by googling

    “when a man has an affair will he rename his penis”?

    Love those google analytics!

      • Red,
        A lot of men name their penises.
        They don’t want somebody they don’t know making 95% of their decisions for them. 😉

        • A high school buddy named his wanker “Moses, because he’s the parter of the Red Sea”.

          My response? “Too bad. Moses never made it to the Promised Land.” (how did I miss that signal that I was “meant” to be a minister’s wife?????)

          He immediately changed it to Alvin and the chipmunks.

        • Well, if you’re determined to name your *DICK*, the obvious choice is: “Dean McDermott.” As in, “Ever since I f*cked that skank in Canada I’ve got sores all over the shaft of my Dean McDermott.”

          In fact, that name would work equally well for anyone looking to name their butthole. Or their appendix (an utterly useless organ than can be discarded without effect). Or the rotting skunk they pass on the side of the road. Or, or, or. . . .

          And now, if you’ll excuse me, I ate some brutal Tex-Mex for lunch and I need to go take a massive McDermott.

  • (At sunset chickens inevitably head home to roost.)

    If you don’t get any other take away from Tori’s misery, let it be this:

    Those who blithely skip over the bodies of the injured on their way down the “aisle” almost always end up paying a far higher price in misery for their ill-gotten gains than they could ever have imagined.

      • How about forehead tattoos preventing bad cheater karma? Let’s get that rumor started. It would save us a lot of grief in the future.

        • My fantasy after dday was to restrain my cheating husband and have “liar” or “cheater” tattooed on his forehead. I seriously daydreamed about this.

          Now that I know more about the mentality of APs, I know that those words would only make the sex hotter for them.

          I eventually decided on “HERPES”. That would do the trick. (My ex doesn’t have herpes, that I know of, but it seems like a pretty good universal turnoff, even to disordered Other Women.) I’ve conceded that it can be a glow-in-the-dark tattoo, so it only shows up where most people cheat – in the dark.

    • I couldn’t agree with you more, Notyou. Marriages that start in lies end in lies,but it amazing me the number of people who think that they are somehow going to escape the Cheater’s Curse. Case in point? Dean and Tori.

  • Tori should be concerned with Dean Whatshisname taking his stray/amnesiac penis to Canada…………..he might encounter wild vagina or free-range vagina and cheat again

  • Whether the show is a sham or not, this woman will never truly feel like her marriage is a “safe place.”

    • So true……..
      Sad thing is that one of the few clips I did see where she was telling him that he had ripped her heart out could have been me on dday.

      And then I remember how stbx didn’t give a shit

  • I want to meet a man with a tattooed penis.

    A penis which when not erect reads, “Shorty’s.”

    But when its erect reads, “Shorty’s Truck Stop And Café, Chattanooga, Tennessee.” 😉

    [Sorry, couldn’t resist a potty-mouth joke]

    • I have a medium-sized tattoo on each ankle. I love my tats, which are very colorful, beautiful and meaningful to me.

      Anyway, when I got the first tat, I asked the tattoo artist about weird tattoos she had done. She said she had a guy who wanted the Chiquita banana logo tattooed on his dick. LOL! Ouch, that must have really hurt.

    • Love the joke-I met & married that guy. But beware of the guy with the big dick……..not only do they have a big dick they usually are a big dick!!!!

      Case in point-my stbx

    • Very funny and clever not you. I have only ever seen 2 penises in my life of 62 years. My ex husband’s and my son’s. I couldn’t be bothered any more. Blokes think they have something special to offer. Not really!!

  • I suggested on numerous occasions that my ex get “Property of Glad” tattooed right on his dick. Too bad he never took me up on it. Not that it would have stopped anything, but it would be a funny reminder he’d have to explain for the rest of his life.

  • Sorry, I was out tapping maple trees, then was distracted by a caribou crossing my back yard. All I can say is dinner will be ready at 5. Did I miss anything today?

  • I’ve watched bits and pieces of this “reality” show and feel absolutely disgusted when Dean explains in all seriousness that he had the affair because she wasn’t giving it to him enough. When she looks at him in amazement, he says, “What? Did I say something wrong? What?” Utter cluelessness. I wonder how long she’ll torture herself with reconciliation. They’ll never make it.

  • Ah, I think it’s Facepalm Friday on

    Wow, a tattooed penis and he still cheated? I think a cattle prod or electroshock treatments are in order. Maybe they can put that on their reality show. Oh, and the producers better not get anywhere near his pants (since, well, something has to be changed).

  • I do think the cheating scandal is real, even though the show itself is clearly staged and “produced” to turn their real-life drama into watchable television with a clear-cut storyline. Tori plays the overworked, spurned single mom chasing four kids around the house while Dean plays the sad-sack, oafish cheating husband, complete with greasy hair and the best unshaven jowls we Americans have seen since Richard Nixon. “True Tori” has been deliberately crafted as a Family In Crisis docudrama with Tori as the victimized focal point for us to: a) Rally around; b) Project the pain of our own Chumpiness onto.

    But the reality of this “reality show” is that the “True Tori” has been adapted from an actual true story: An out-of-control, self-destructive, and narcissistic liar cheats ON the wife he originally cheated WITH, taking a stick of dynamite to a SECOND consecutive family. And like the spoiled little baby that he is, whenever grown-up concepts such as “accountability” and “consequences” are brought into the fold, he either throws a temper tantrum (“I wanna sleep in my own bed!”), fakes a migraine, or casually hints at suicidal ideation (“I could’ve kicked that window out and jumped through it.”) Or, in this video, has a crying fit and just can’t sorry enough! *sniffle*

    And I LOVE Dean’s casual admission a few episodes back that it was a coke and booze binge that led to his cheating, which Dean punctuates with an “Oh well!” shrug. First it was he was lonely, then he was drunk, then it was he thought he wouldn’t get caught…..and now it’s because he was doing rails of coke. That poor sausage!

    It absolutely mystifies me that THIS is the kind of psychodrama Tori wanted to bring to America’s living rooms, and that THIS is the side of her failing marriage that she wants people to see. What purpose does this serve? The father of her four children has already disgraced them all enough. Now she wants people to see that he’s an emotionally disconnected and immature trainwreck who wants to either cry or kill himself whenever anything gets too damn real in his life?

    Worse yet, THIS is the man-child she pledged to spend the rest of her life with, whose marriage vows she had tattooed on her ribs, a man who tattooed HER NAME in his PUBIC REGION—and STILL fucking cheated?! A man who casually admitted to binge-drinking and doing rails of coke the night he cheated? Tori thinks it’s acceptable to have a man like THAT living a in house with four kids under the age of 7?

    CL is right that this is a televised Pick-Me Dance, but it’s also a show about control. Tori paraded her fake, dysfunctional relationship–one born out of cheating, lies and deception–as a fairytale romance for the whole world to see. She thought that by giving him all the sex he wanted and giving birth to four kids one after another (literally—Hattie is only TEN MONTHS older than Finn), that Dean would “change” and grow up to be a faithful husband and father….everything he WASN’T with his first wife and child.

    And with all of the “We’re So Happy!” books, blog posts and past reality shows, Tori sought to keep a white-knuckle grip of the narrative she created for herself. Also, like 99.9% of Affair Partners, she thought she was special and was everything that Dean’s ex-wife wasn’t.

    But even Aaron Spelling’s daughter should’ve realized that you can’t script real life. And the poor girl still hasn’t gotten the memo, as she’s desperately trying to regain control of the narrative and re-write the “true Tori” of her catastrophic marriage into some sort of bizarre Forgiveness Morality Tale. And here are the results in living color!

    Unfortunately for Tori, nobody cares. This whole cheating nightmare can be summed up in one sentence: He cheated with you and he cheated on you. This isn’t a Marriage Crisis that Tori can write, produce or direct her way out of. It’s Karma. Plain and simple. Thousands of Internet commenters were quick to remind Ms. Tori that TWO marriages and families were destroyed just so these two lovebird “soulmates” could be together. But poor Tori STILL thinks she’s special, that her marriage that was born out of cheating was Meant To Be, and dammit, she’s going to fix this on national TV!

    My only sympathy lies with the children. Tori’s attempt to turn her husband’s drug use, cheating, and suicidal thoughts into a TV storyline is unacceptable and the height of selfishness.

    I guess now that the show’s over, and the McDermott/Spelling family is staying together, I guess Tori won the Pick-Me Dance. And really…THIS is what she won? Sure, she’s got a nice house, a nice SUV, cute kids, and a famous last name. But is ANYBODY jealous of her journey into Reconciliation? Does any Chump think they could’ve saved their cheater too?

    I hope a future episode of “Chopped: Canada” (a cooking competition show, similar to “Iron Chef America”) features the chefs preparing Fried Shit Sandwiches. Perhaps that’s the episode where Tori can be a special guest judge—after all, nobody knows crap on a roll better than she does…

    • They both cheated on their previous spouses.

      And I’m surprised his wannabe-celebrity over-inflated ego fits into the same house with her super-sized “have you seen my props… err… i mean children” ego.

      • I’m sure that no one will be surprised when they divorce & he asks for support. I think the general public is expecting it to happen

      • She and Jennie Garth have some kind of sit-com coming out. In my cynical moments, I think “True Tori” is Tori getting ahead of the story of divorcing Dean; now the whole world knows he’s a cheater dickhead. She’s a cheater, too, but she can hope people will forget that because she has the 4 kids; she’s the good one of the two. She got the whole storyline out as she wanted it to play, so now no one can be surprised if she kicks him to the curb. She tried, didn’t she? We saw it on the TV….

        • It’s PR 101: you break the story yourself, write the narrative, control how people see it.

    • I think Tori is every bit as big a narc as her cheating husband. To me, she really sees her drama as completely fascinating to EVERYONE, because hey, she’s the center of the universe. I doubt she is capable of feeling shame or self reflection or embarrassment or any feeling at all other than pity for herself and the high of kibbles from televising her train wreck of a life to anonymous viewers all over the country. Her kids are just useful props in her story, they’re the ones I feel sorry for.

    • Awesome smack down Chris.

      Chopped shit sandwiches is something Dean is certainly good at serving. They come in children’s sizes — those poor kids.

  • As a Canadian chump, honestly, we don’t need Dean up here…we have enough church minister’s as it is….

    And you United Statians? Show me any pussy that doesn’t snatch meat…

  • And that he has to work in Toronto to work on the Food Network? We only get television up here in the Great White North in the summer when we can adjust the rabbit ears. Our computers are crafted out of maple wood. And because we share the Queen with Great Britain, we have to use a base 10 clock instead of your 24 hour doo-dads.

    And yes, although I live in Central Canada, I do know your grade 3 penpal that you had on the West Coast–she’s my brother’s wife’s aunt’s second wife twice removed.

    And we still have snow.

    • LOL! Poor Canada—you guys have been dealt such a serious Bieber backlash over the past two years, and now you’ve got The Icepick of Shame coming to Toronto—the city with the crackhead mayor—to film “Chopped: Canada.”

      At least you have Neil Young, Joni Mitchell and Leonard Cohen to make up for your poor talent exports as of late.

      And maybe you can explain to me why Regina, SK isn’t pronounced like the traditional “ruh-GEE-nuh” and instead rhymes with a female body part?

        • Some friendly U.S. / Canada banter going on here. Harmless teasing I know, because who would seriously fk with us when it comes down to it? We have an enormous army of Canadian Geese and breeding millions more as we speak. And guess what, they will all fly south next winter and remind our friends stateside we mean business! Lol.

          • Well, how else can Canada have places with weird names? Somebody has to live there and put a sign up–even if a caribou, a moose, and a couple of hoosers have to create a “population”.

            Besides, who else is going to be someone’s penpal from grade 3 who lives out in British Columbia?

            And being an ex-Montrealer, let’s face it: United Statians never heard of Toronto until the mayor showed up in tabloids.

            • Swore I’d never live in Toronto again – boy do I miss Montreal and the townships. And thanks to the ow, I hate muskoka and all points due north. Ironically, where the dear mayor is right now. Catch-basin for scum lately.

            • “United Statians never heard of Toronto until the mayor showed up in tabloids.”

              Geez we’re not THAT ignorant!

              What Americans haven’t been able to do is name a single elected official in Canadian history—–until Rob Ford. Yes, sad that we don’t know Canadian politics, and perhaps sadder that Ford is the ONE guy in the centuries-old history of Canadian government that Americans know.

              Some of the more liberal among us know who Tommy Douglas was, since he was mentioned in Michael Moore’s movie “Sicko” as the guy who brought universal healthcare to Canada (leading to an amusing moment when Moore asked the Canadian gentleman he was speaking to do if we Americans can “borrow” Douglas for a few years….lol).

              • Loved that movie!

                Chris–I’m sorry if I really offended you. Part of being Canadian is enjoying the “mystique” of the stereotypes people have of us, and then joking about the ignorance behind it. If I went too far, I truly didn’t mean to.

                And I know that not every American is a right-wing, gun-toting, hyper-evangelical Republican. The Democratic party wouldn’t even exist if that were true. (Not every Canadian is a left-winger, either–I certainly lean far more left than right, but we have our fair share of the other end of the political spectrum).

  • Well, if Other Women can get off on fucking our husbands in our beds, using our hairbrushes, leaving their panties in our homes, I would think taking a penis with wifey’s name on it would be the ultimate in territory marking, short of pissing on it directly.

    • I thought it was mentioned on the show that he actually shared a sex tape of him and Tori with the OW. Being Tori’s husband may be his “selling point” with the low-standards crowd.

      Why on earth would anyone be turned on by this? Blecch.

    • “short of pissing on it directly.”

      Okay chumps, I gotta say, you are all especially hilarious today!

  • What a great thread for a Friday afternoon. You are all cracking me up today…especially the sassy Canadian contingent!

        • Are you old enough to remember the 80’s? There was a mockumentary about Canadians taking over the US–after all, we infiltrated journalism with Peter Jennings, the top (Canadian) American news-anchor…. then there was the connection about Lorne Greene, and the US’s Green card.

          (I am very proud to be Canadian–both my parents came off the boat, and I feel very fortunate to be born here).

        • Are you old enough to remember the 80’s? There was a mockumentary about Canadians taking over the US–after all, we infiltrated journalism with Peter Jennings, the top (Canadian) American news-anchor…. then there was the connection about Lorne Greene, and the US’s Green card.

          (I am very proud to be Canadian–both my parents came off the boat, and I feel very fortunate to be born here).

          • I’m 100% French-Canadian decent. We’re the only Canadians that Canadians don’t like. We tried to secede but our military would only consist of hockey sticks and maple syrup.

            As far as the whole Tori drama queen thing, she said she divorced her first husband because he told her she was ugly over and over again. IMHO she is ugly.

            • I’m first generation north american – both citizenships, quite handy. But as the daughter of a French woman, my heart is in Quebec, while my body is in Toronto.

            • TennisHack 625; Mon pays comprend Quebec.

              The Quebec military could be well-fortified with that excellent hard apple cider too. And poutine and smoked meat et les “steamies”!

  • It’s as though dear old dad is still concocting ridiculous story lines via his untalented horseface of a daughter. I could have felt sorry for her if SHE WASN’T A CHEATER HERSELF.

  • “How am I supposed to let you go on to do Chopped Canada 2?” Wow. That’s not what I said after D day.

    I’m thinking of calling BS. Is this real? How can this be real? This is COMEDY GOLD! I don’t usually come away from the daily post laughing hysterically. Real cheating just isn’t funny, but this is great! Do we think this is real? My favorite part is when he tries to squeeze tears out of his beady little eyes, but he’s not genuinely crying. He is SO gross. They both are.

  • The real mystery here is why Canada Chopped 2 wants this guy back. I mean, he has admitted to cheating on his wife, tatooing his penis, binge drinking and doing rails of coke. He looks gross and unhygienic and his acting sucks. Surely, even Chopped 2 can get someone better?

  • I’ve never seen this show, but for those who have, have the tables ever been turned on Tori? When Tori wails, “How could he cheat on me? How could anyone help him cheat?”, does the therapist turn to Tori and say, “You tell me, Tori. How could YOU cheat on your husband to be with Dean? How could YOU help Dean cheat on his wife?”

      • If the elephant in the room were addressed, the show would only last one episode. It would be hard for Tori to act disgusted, like she’s above that kind of thing, after just admitting she did the same thing. She also wouldn’t get as much sympathy either, if any.

  • OMG! Maybe he can get his tatt covered up with a cartoon character just like my ex did over his breast cancer ribbon tatt he got to support me in my fight against bc.

  • I saw this episode and one other episode before that. You can’t seem to stop watching this train wreck like circus. His man child narc behavior is very similar to what most of us I’m sure have experienced when they are called on their shit and they know that we know the truth of about their very sleazy dirty deeds. No tears coming out of those creepy beady eyes. And, as far as she goes, she didn’t seem to have a problem prying him away from his previous wife and child. Is she really fucking shocked by this??? She even admitted to their marriage counselor that she was always afraid that he was going to cheat on her someday. Hmmm….maybe what goes around comes around? There was probably even more whoring around then she actually knows about. He even openly admitted to one of his friends when asked why he did it, he replied “Cause I thought she wouldn’t find out”. That’s how the POS that I was involved with thought about his fucking around with his twat troll ex-wife and his bar hag “fuck buddy” – he just figured if he didn’t get caught, why not enjoy himself in this fashion. He thinks if he gets to keep everyone in the dark, it’s all good for him. I lately refer to him as “Mr. Dong” or Mr. Cheaty Pants if anyone asks if I still “date” him. I also mention that he is a slave to his genitals and can’t really focus on any other aspect of life. Poor sausage. These days, he can still enjoy his two bottom feeders now since his yummy cake source (me) is out of the picture. Definitely do not miss his crazy making self.

  • Your article, though very funny, could have been written without you insulting canadians. There was no reason for any of your prejudice comments. It only goes to show how narrow minded, mean and naive you are.

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