The Chump Cloak of Invisibility

You want to know something weird? As I was uploading my book and going through the various forms about how to catalog and market it, I discovered that there isn’t a single category for infidelity.

Oh, there are categories and subcategories for all sorts of afflictions like eating disorders, OCD, suicide. And there are umbrella groups like “abuse” — which I didn’t file the book under because most people, at least initially, resist the idea that infidelity is abuse and wouldn’t look there.

Yet actually they don’t have ANY place to look because infidelity is not a category. I’m not a sociologist, but my guess more people are cheated on than off themselves, or have bulimia. Goddamn infidelity is common — so WHERE IS IT?

In the end I went with “Divorce/Separation” and “Relationships/Family” (rather broad).

But it underscored something that prompted me writing the book in the first place — the chump experience is invisible.

Unless it’s tied to the cheater’s narrative — are you winning them back? did you make them cheat? will you be a lucky soul who gets remorse? — we’re just bit players in the narcissist soap opera.

And look, who wants to out themselves publicly as a chump? Weirdly, cheaters don’t have as much hesitation, judging by the articles on HuffPo and in glossy magazines about how fabulous it is to be a mistress or a player. How naughty and edgy and paradigm shattering!

Early on, I once appeared on a HuffPo video panel with Dr. Tammy (of the New Monogamy infamy) and she said off the air as we were all chatting with each other “Oh, I don’t know anyone that admits to being cheated on.” And I said “Really? I’m pretty out there with it. I call myself ‘Chump Lady.'” She smirked.

Then today, I got smirked at again. I spent the day at the Texas Writers’ League “Agents and Editors” conference, where tomorrow I pitch an agent. We’re encouraged in the literature to just sidle up to these people and pitch our books. An absolutely dreadful suggestion (and one that is apparently very profitable judging by the number of paying guests in the room). Who wants to mix at a cocktail party of 300 people who want to tell you about their fiction ideas? Clearly not the agents.

“See, they’re deep in the Amazon jungle, lost on an adventure tour, when they’re visited by an Aztec God!”

(This was a real pitch by a real person, who was very nice and spent three months in Peru. And for all I know it’s a future best seller.)

You’re supposed to razzle dazzle these people with your Awesome Ideas and coolness factor and marketability. Because these are the gate keepers of traditional publishing — the people who publish Cameron Diaz’s latest cookbook! (I wish I was making this up, I’m not.)

They give you this little field guide with photos of agents, so you can Meet Them and pet them like zoo animals. I wound up standing behind a cluster of them waiting in line at the bar. One turned to the other and turned her name tag inside so no one could see she was an editor. They laughed. And one of them, who looked older, and worked for a very respectable publishing house, I wanted to meet. (I had ID-ed her in my field guide.) So I asked her politely if I could pitch her my book and she looked seriously annoyed.

Okay, she probably just wanted a beer and to schmooze with her fellow incognito agents, but apparently we were at cross purposes. I read the literature (and paid the fee) to attend an event to meet agents, and she clearly didn’t want to be met. But (heavy sigh) went along.

I explained CL in under 30 seconds, and led with the blog has 2.5 million views.

She — honest to God — wrinkled her nose and sneered “That sounds quirky.”

And then “I don’t do self help.” Said in the tone of voice of “I don’t scrub latrines” or “I don’t eat dog feces.”

Lady — be warned. You’re a future cartoon. I’m taking notes tomorrow.

And look — I had no expectations other than a polite, brief introduction and a thanks but no thanks. But I can’t help but think that part of the brush off was I just identified myself as a chump. I write about being chumped. I find the humor in it. I draw cartoons. I try to help people who were chumped liked me.

Maybe she’s just an asshole and sneers at everyone. But the “self help” comment — really? Is self help such a bad thing? OMG you’re a SELF who needs HELP!

Honestly, I don’t expect tomorrow to go any better. On a note of exquisite irony — the agent they paired me with worked on Bill Clinton’s memoirs. Yes, I got paired with the woman who helped the world’s most famous philanderer write a book. I loved Clinton as a president, and I miss the days where the nation’s biggest problem was whether or not the leader of the free world got a blow job, but come on, the guy was a hound dog! You think this person wants to hear the chump point of view?

Are we invisible? I think we are. I think most people shut the fuck up about being chumped. You don’t want to emotionally vomit on people, but why the shame? Why the invisibility? Why are WE mortified? We didn’t rate escorts or fuck our personal trainers.

Thanks for buying my book. I know we’re out there. And they’re going to hear from us.

Or at least they’re going to hear from my “quirky” ass.

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Linda
Linda
9 years ago

I just adore you. You are such a bad ass. Go git it!

Carol
Carol
9 years ago

If you can’t get the sincere attention of an agent, I think that down the road, there will be a bunch of agents who regret not giving you their attention. Just keep at it.

I have never been secretive about what happened to my marriage. However, I have, seriously wished I’d never told people outside of my immediate family. I think it did more damage to me than it helped. People are still bogged down with all the typical opinions (I didn’t give him enough blow jobs, he cheated because I didn’t like progressive rock…whatever that is…you know, it was somehow my fault) and that has been just about as damaging to me as the infidelity itself was.

I ordered my copy today. Rock on, Tracy. This is good stuff.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

He cheated because you didn’t like “progressive rock”?

So… if you had just played “Yes”, “UK”, and “Kansas” all the time, he wouldn’t have cheated?

I think your cheater beat my cheater’s “You leave socks on the bathroom floor” in the lamest excuse for cheating ever category. I did not think that she would ever be unseated either 🙂

beach
beach
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Are you kidding me? See if you had given him blow jobs while he listened to progressive rock, it would be ok.

Right

I can’t believe you have “those who you thought were friends” telling you that you should have given him more blow jobs, that is so rotten. Wow, over the top.

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago

Maybe if you’d bought her a drink she would have put her manners on. I can’t wait til she sees her cartoon. Because I think the book’s going to take off, and she’ll wish she had been less snarky.

I agree we shouldn’t be the ones to feel the shame. But I do feel too humiliated and I hate like the dickens to be made such a fantastic fool of for two freaking years. So, I don’t feel like advertising my naivete at this point.

But, also, in my case, I have always been so protective of him. Too bad it wasn’t mutual.

I’m so looking forward to getting the book. I can already imagine it lent out and lost, so I think I’ll order two copies.

THANK YOU!
Finally realized

beach
beach
9 years ago

yeah, a screwdriver for her, with snapshots of your cheater last husbands to look over for maybe a fun time

Tracy, how you held it together, girl you are so strong

Diana L
Diana L
9 years ago

Writers’ conferences are weird. I’m not sure people really sell to an agent very often.

Anyhow, just a few thoughts – your work is sexy in a bizarro-world sort of way. Thongs in the bed and all kinds of weird stories.

It’s also very funny, with the weird things cheaters do. You are able to take things that are sad and horrible and make them funny.

Yes, I think our culture looks down on chumps. That could be part of your pitch.

On the other hand, you could pitch the amazing ability of chumps to survive and go on to better lives.

Depending on who you’re talking to, you can make it more about a serious sounding guide to surviving infidelity or a pitch for something funny.

Anyhow, good luck! Anyone who picks up your book will make money. Their loss if they don’t.

beach
beach
9 years ago
Reply to  Diana L

My asshole answered the ow door wearing only a sheet, I was waiting for him to take him to our new home he left me in, I saw him put his shoes on, and (long story about the new broken fridge, god) and finally I rang the bell, I know stupider than shit I was treading where no one of earth should have been, and he answers the door naked and in a sheet

Why, why, why, and what the hell is wrong with me, why why why why kicking myself holy crap

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Nothing wrong with you, beach. I would love to have caught the Jackass bare-assed in his truck with his married OW skank, phone camera in hand. There’s nothing like seeing him answer that door wearing a sheet for confirmation that he truly sucks. Don’t blame you for catching him when he’s up to no good. It’s all on him.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Nothing wrong with you, Beach. He’s the one who answered the door in a sheet. The shame and the sin is all on HIM, not you.

andstillirise
andstillirise
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Seriously.

Of the two of you, it’s much better not to be the one in the sheet answering the door at the O-person’s home.

I remember the point when I heard a little *click* go off inside my head that signaled the end of my willingness to risk my self and my sense of dignity for my jesus-cheating X (and his fellow jesus-cheating OW). It wasn’t meh, but it was the twinkle in meh’s eye. It was the core of the earliest instinct to trust that my X sucked, and to stop trying to make it so that he wouldn’t suck.

There was no way to explain the data to myself logically to get me to that point. For me, it just came emotionally when I realized that every interaction with him/her as a unit or with him about her or her about him was demeaning me, diminishing me. As CL would say (but that came years later), I was feeding them kibbles. And I grasped that this was a mug’s game, that they *liked* the kibbles, but that I never felt anything but degraded after such interactions.

While you are still in the early process stages for coming to terms with the new reality that’s been hurled at you, it’s *very* hard to limit the occasions where you make yourself vulnerable to the cheater. But until something like the *click* of early meh goes off, maybe that could be a goal for right now: only do things that support your health and dignity. Beach-centered things only. Expect nothing from cheater; do nothing for cheater. Feelings will be all over the place. My feelings were so erratic. But the mechanics of my behavior I could manage, and bit by bit that helped me fake it into making it with regard to keeping safe my sense of self.

Hold the fort…

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Hey Beach.

Breathe.

(hug)
x-Meh.

Chump in the Sand
Chump in the Sand
9 years ago
Reply to  Diana L

“Depending on who you’re talking to, you can make it more about a serious sounding guide to surviving infidelity or a pitch for something funny.”

Hmmmm….

“A feel-good, do-good book when the reality of infidelity feels bad”?
” Inspiring victims of relational trauma to growing a spine while soothing the soul?”
” Keeping the sane parent from getting incarcerated for assault with a cucumber, with intent to sodomize”?

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

Trust that they suck! I think that’s super-redundant. Or, “how about a book about a guy who hopped around in a sleeping bag????” nah.

You’ll never believe the shit these guys say…

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Arg, fuck fuck fuck…RESONANT, not redundant. Entschuldingen sie!

Chump in the Sand
Chump in the Sand
9 years ago

OMG, Tracy, I’m sooo not surprised. Here’s why:

a) The agents sound like they have travelled for the equivalent of a convention. We all know what happens at conventions now…at least half of them likely had fuckdates lined up after from sites like Assholes Fuck Finder, Trashley, and Venerial Match.

b) OF COURSE chumps are invisible. We are moral, realistic people. Our vaginas aren’t sparkly, or play Disney music when items are inserted, or magically create disco ball ambiance. Our penises don’t ejaculate rainbows. We can’t compete with that with our spouses, and hey, right now, we can’t compete with that in our entitled, self-centred, feel good culture. That’s where you come in.

c) You are a pioneer here, chick. A trailblazer. Someone who says, “No way, fuck off” to the bullshit entitlement.

Someone who points to the invisible victim, and says, “Look! People really do get hurt when you act selfish–you may think it’s just about you, but the emperor here has clearly subscribed to a nudist lifestyle here!”

Someone who says, “Yep, there IS someone at fault and to blame here, and yes, you bloody well SHOULD feel bad about it,” and “Yes, you are an underdog who is an overcomer in waiting–now hightail yourself to get to the overcoming part!”

You are someone with 2.5 million hits behind your back, and you will take each hit to bitchslap each egotistical narcissist who gets in the way of getting your vital message out.

Now go run up some stairs, and do a victory jump with your arms up high like Sly…

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago

Chump In The Sand is right, you are a trailblazer and thank God for it. You’re speaking for all of us, a big bright light. We are rooting for you. They should look who you’ve attracted – really smart, witty followers who say things like “bitchslap each egotistical narcissist who gets in the way.” Have you bitchslapped a narcissist today? I mean really, you gotta love it. . .

Sammie D
Sammie D
9 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Shepp

No 🙁 but I really really wanted to Bitchslap my STBX when he sent one of the most naive couples from our church (who do not know what he has done) to my home today to collect our daughter after he was told yesterday that he could not have her as it is my weekend and we had plans. He just assumes if he gives me 24 hours notice I should just say yes.

Boundaries anyone?

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

“Our vaginas aren’t sparkly, or play Disney music when items are inserted, or magically create disco ball ambiance.”

Speak for yourself, CitS! Mine shines an entire laser light show! 😉

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Oh, you two!!!! ROTFLMRO!!!! Sounds like a new cartoon!

AND, I just purchased 3 of one the most amazing books EVER! (except for the Bible)
So, poo on that agent! Her life must be pathetic & she will never benefit from one of the best books ever written!

So looking forward to reading it & then writing my review! This Nation will make it an all-around best-seller!

PS: The ‘trouble maker’ that posted that review/drivel at Amazon—–I decided she does not deserve a response from me & I hope her review gets removed for the abuse it is. Hasn’t even read the book! Silly girl…… I saw what Mr. Chump Lady posted & I do not believe I would have been so tactful!

Forge on, Nation, with field-guide in hand!

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Ladies please stop bragging, I am starting to feel inadequate!! 🙂

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago

Hang on a second, my vagina is super sparkly!

RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas
RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas
9 years ago

I wonder, do the agent get a cut of the profits from each registrant? You should never have to pay anything to get an agent. It sounds fishy.

Chump Lady
Chump Lady
9 years ago

No it’s payment for the conference.

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago

“Venereal Match”!! and…

“don’t play Disney music when items are inserted.”

Ha ha ha! Oh man. Thanks, Chump in the Sand.

You’re probably right about the convention mentality. Ugh. The things that would never occur to you.

beach
beach
9 years ago

Oh that bitch, she a cheater either as a “wayward wife” or OW, mark my words. I would say OW.

I am invisible, even to my family, my children now, they want me to be over this, for me and their dad to just talk and be friends, I might ruin a wedding I am so weird, one of them told me that.

Yes I am so god damn weird, I was fucking true, their whore dad did all this shit, but ohhhhhhhh I am the weird one. And just this evening, my mom is annoyed I didn’t want to go to this stupid even that was filling a library parking lot with couples, I said . mom don’t you think me at a thing with all those happy couples is sort of going to trigger me. so under he breath she says…I’m so tired of this.

OH EXCUSE ME IF ANYONE IS TIRED OF THIS.

And, ok, get me going on Lifetime, all the movies a guy cheats, they ride off into the fucking sunset fucking, and there is no mention of the wife that was screwed over.

I feel invisible tonight.

Tracy, take a cigar tomorrow, smoke it as you talk to her, or maybe not it will make your hair stink.

Who cares if you can pitch to them Tracy, there are a ton of chumps out there and NO ONE IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO PUT THEIR ASS ON THE LINE LIKE YOU.

I swear to god, I seem a mess now, but you should have seen me before finding your site.

Thank you TRACY.

Yeah, how many cheaters you pitching to Tracy, maybe they all are, see there I go triggering again.

You can do this, you already have. If they are too stupid to see the huge picture of this becoming a movie, which maybe it could, well, they are not out of the box thinkers.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Dear Beach,

So sorry you are surrounded by such emotional infants.

Got a little bit of that from my best friend & from my son, as well. Didn’t want to hear mention of it, even in passing…….

Then, my son’s wife cheated….

My son’s objections were actually pretty mild in comparison to what you experienced, but of course, even that stopped when I held his hand and his heart through his horror of dealing with a cheating mate. Never would have expected he & I to have THAT in common. But, it did draw us even closer than we were before.

So glad I have a precious son through all of this!

Hang tough, Beach……AND ForgeOn!

ChumpBlocker
ChumpBlocker
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Has your son’s feelings about your situation changed now?

Linda2
Linda2
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Beach, you’re weird? Me too! At least that is what my NPD Cheaterpants told the light of his life! I think by weird, they mean truthful. They just don’t remember exactly what that looks like. It seems we are supposed to just go on as if nothing has happened…you know, like when someone passes gas.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Linda2

Beach, you ranted for me too!

beach
beach
9 years ago

I wish I had a cloak of invisibility to spy much better, well not now, but would have loved it before, god, hit them in the head with a cast iron pan as they did the bad bad thing in the whore bed

hahaha

Sure, I could have said fucking, ok

beach
beach
9 years ago

Oh, last thing, and to this day the whoreman still says, do I have to hear about this, you are ruining my evening

fuck him

beach
beach
9 years ago

stupid event not even

ok have a great evening

Sammie D
Sammie D
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Beach you are fucking awesome.

I seriously would have been done for assault if I had caught my STBX in the act. Credit where credit is due awesome one.
As for their dumb ass attitude that we are at fault for being human in response to their crap. OMG my response, grow up dipshit. I omitted the dipship part when face to face with STBX yesterday. My response to your crap (being upset and angry at your lack of respect and your overwhelming sense of entitlement, STILL!) is not because I have decided to go Jehad on the world No my only issue is you.

Hang in their beach, hugs to you. if you need someone to be weird with there is a que forming over by me. 😉

Tara
Tara
9 years ago

Yes, because according to the “pundits,” cheating is ultimately the “cheater’s” fault, that somehow the chump deserved it.
Thanks to CL for sting the record straight…………

CW
CW
9 years ago

“I think most people shut the fuck up about being chumped.”

I was completely open about everything to my immediate family, but then also to anyone who will listen. And this has become more of the case in the past couple of months. I have found that keeping it to myself and “being invisible” kept my anger up, which was not doing me any favors. I probably tell too many people, so that is something I need to work on, but the good news is that I think I’m improving.

And most importantly, congratulation to Chump Lady on being published!

beach
beach
9 years ago
Reply to  CW

I told countless Verizon agents, people in the grocery line, the cable people, att while on hold, wow, so many and almost none therapists, only had three appts for that but when I finally did I got meds, whew

I unfortunately told a woman doing my hair once, and I then realized she was an OW and she destroyed my head, and did not talk to me, so, I learned you can’t tell … you know..

beach
beach
9 years ago

They think chumps are stupid, but under a cloak I never got to have, I would have had a gps, telescope, camera, and Kleenex to cry with and extra soft for my nose.

And a thermos of coffee with hazelnut creamer in it, no sugar, it is sweet enough

I think in my anger, I am actually maybe heading towards meh, I really don’t want him back now, I just don’t like his pompus attitude, he is a shithead

Tracy, get great coffee in the morning, and remember, many of them are cheaters so they see you as carrying a cross and a wooden stick to drive into their hearts

lolol

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

5 will get you 10 that editor’s an OW….. it would be irresponsible not to speculate [wink].

Seriously, your book will be fabulous, and save lives. I’m planning on buying a copy for my shrink…not that she’s a chump (AFAIK) but so she can share the rich wisdom. She’s loved every nugget I’ve told her.

Editors (as you probably know) are in such a privileged position that they most often think their shit don’t stink, in my experience. (A friend and very published fiction writer was staying here last fall. His agent decided she no longer wanted to handle fiction, so he had to approach the juggernaut to find someone to work with his newly minted novel. Oy! And this fellow has contacts, as in, the writer the NY Times is writing about, who was in his MFA program and all that kind of stuff. He’s a super nice guy. Super, super nice. Still a rough climb and he was on tenterhooks.)

Agents can be a little easier to work with, if you find the right one. (who doesn’t like a cut?)

But–you are Certifiably Mighty. And you have Chump Nation at your back, willing you on. If a million plus hits on your blog doesn’t demonstrate an interested audience, what would?

Go get ’em.

beach
beach
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

she is gonna get wrinkles on that nose of hers, big deep grooves on her nose, and she is going to have dark lines in them, and blackheads, that is what she gets, for being a smart ass and doing her little stupid bewitched I am a bitch nose thing at you

Rebecca
Rebecca
9 years ago

This is another chump who had learned to be loud and proud.
Anyone who knows me, knows the truth behind the end of my marriage. I will NEVER be ashamed or embarrassed to tell the truth.
People love me because I come as a package – I am a great friend, a hard worker, a terrific mother and a lovely person…and, yeah, my husband pulled the wool over my eyes and had an affair (one that I know of or he’s gay – who knows) with a woman the kids and I knew. Take the whole package or leave it but the infidelity and fuckedupness that I survived?
I earned the right to be a proud survivor and I am going to make it as public as possible.
I’m also on a lot of meds from the depression that followed the pile of ash of my marriage.
Guess what? I am proud of that too and tell everyone about the meds and the depression.
I spent 4 years climing out of that pit of betrayal and I am proud of myself.
No one will change that. That is my meh! And I am mighty.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Go Rebecca! Sing it loud!

Jade
Jade
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Wow Rebecca, gotta love that pride. I went public with mixed results, but in the end, I do not regret I told so many people that my ex was a cheater. Some days I feel bitter that so many sided with my ex, but now I think the affair revealed who my real friends are. I just couldn’t swallow all the shit being shoveled my way anymore, couldn’t accept living in a abuse-laden environment which was poisoning me and my lovely girls. He wanted me to keep everything private. From where I stand now, that looks like control. I think there are so many cheaters out there, there’s lots of pressure to keep it quiet, or sell the “we just grew apart” lie.

beach
beach
9 years ago

I call the OW whorehey, and littlebanger, which serves two purposes I didn’t realize at first, she got the name as she has these short horrid bangs on her fb page to this day with this dress on that looks like green curtain material like on gone with the wind and her curtain dress…so I named her littlebanger

I have a lot of names for whoreass, dickhead, jerkoff, I also call him whorehey

I think I may hate them both now, where is my meh? Why am I not in meh?

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  beach

Not yet meh-time for you. Meh comes at different times for different people. Don’t sweat it. Sure, if you still have that burning hate in 2-3 years down the road, you probably need to do some work on that, but I think meh comes when you realize that you are oh so much better off without dickwad in your life.

beach
beach
9 years ago

9pm CA time, Amazon has Tracys book up, I just ordered it with my prime shipping!

Hooray

Hypnopompic
Hypnopompic
9 years ago

HAHA! Please do take notes tomorrow! I think your idea to start this blog, and to write about survival and life on ‘the other side’ of “glamorous” infidelity is refreshing. We exist in a culture of immediate gratification. When we feel uncomfortable, bored, or unsatisfied, society allows us to jump to ‘something else’. We’ve normalized pornography, secret lives, and the sense of entitlement. It’s about time someone redefined standards, and spoke up about what it’s like to be chumped by a motherfucker who never deserved the attention of a decent person in the first place. It’s about time someone offered truth to a group of broken people, and a safe ‘place’ to learn it, and heal. Not long ago, I had no words to describe my feelings. I did not know if I was “over reacting”. My therapist said I was “naive”, and wanted to work with me on owning ‘my part’ in the demise of my marriage. He told me that it was not so much my husband who let me down, rather it was “my expectations”. I tried to wrap my head and heart around this, but it still didn’t feel right. Was it really wrong to “expect” a man to be faithful to his bride? There was little to no help out there in cyber space- no experiences to reference to really help me sort my feelings. I was not sure if my STBX’s “truth” was really as big a deal as I had made it to be. Was I being dramatic? Was I “old fashioned”? My STBX knew my struggles, and used them against me. To hold me a captive audience to his ‘shadow of doubt’ show. It wasn’t until I found your site, that I was able to connect words with my feelings. Reading your posts, and the other reader’s comments helped me to become grounded again, and speak up for my good values-not be ashamed of them. Thank you for doing what you do-I no longer feel like a freak show. I no longer feel alone in a world that I need to catch up in. And I owe a large part of my recovery to you, your site, and the amazing, inspiring chumplady.com followers. Divorce rate is at approximately 50%, and no one is talking about the shadow side. There are millions of people out there that have no idea how to “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. (hehe I didn’t even really know how to ‘identify’ a cheater…or an authentic life, for that matter) Hearing someone “call a thing a thing” is the very thing every person needs when they experience D-Day. You are a brilliant pioneer in this and I wish you great success! If I were a publisher, I would be lining up to talk to YOU. I can’t wait to read your book! Best of luck tomorrow! Cheers!

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Hypnopompic

Hipnopomic, preach it!

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Hypnopompic

Hypnopompic, that’s one of the best posts I’ve seen on this site, and I agree wholeheartedly with every single word you wrote. BRAVO

I bought my paperback copy of the book on Amazon today, and once I finish reading it, I’m going to post the most positive and thoughtful review I can. Although I’d dearly love to post one now, I’m very angry that one reviewer felt free to respond very negatively when she clearly hasn’t read the book yet (and is further saying stuff about Tracy and the blog that isn’t true). I don’t wish to contribute to the same ignorant knee-jerk and foregone conclusion, even if it’s to support Tracy. I’m also going to try to be as measured as I can, as another reviewer insinuated that we are a bunch of zealots, cultish devotees and/or sycophants. That really pisses me off. It’s bad enough having been chumped, but then to have my ability to think critically called into question? *I don’t think so.*

I sincerely hope everyone in Chump Nation will buy the book and add an Amazon review that reflects the best part of our camaraderie and hard-earned wisdom. It’s a small but important way to pay back the many gifts we all receive on this blog, every single day.

Congrats again, Tracy. You deserve every possible accolade that’s coming your way. Big hugs and MAJOR RESPECT.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

With you, FMT! Loved what you said also, Hypno…..

Ordered 3 copies today and will write glowing review ASAP! Will get Kindle version as soon as available…….

Yeah, that is another way to tell how authentic all of us are here in the Nation—–we will actually wait unti we have the book before we write a review. And, as you stated, I will be sure to stay measured & coherent! Zealots, my a__!! We are the ‘best of the best, SIR!’

Forge on faithful ones, ForgeOn!

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  Hypnopompic

I second all you have said Hypnopompic… & as someone who works in Mental health I love your name!.. & know the feeling wanting to wake up believing that ,all the heartbreak was just a “hallucination” or figment of my imagination!

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago
Reply to  13YEARCHUMP

Third this. It’s time for the truth to be told. One of the hardest parts of all of this for me to accept is that there’s no perspective out there, not only for the chumped, but also for their children. My children aren’t loving life with my ex-cheater and the Owife. Oh, but they’re “resilient.” That the narrative for children who have been chumped by a cheating parent– they’ll “get over it” because they’re “resilient.”

Some days, that might be true. However, I’d like those who glamorize infidelity to see my children when they are crying and asking why their dad destroyed their family. That’s the true narrative much of the time.

SweetSunny
SweetSunny
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

There are some days I am so sick of the phrases,” you are so strong” and “children are resilient”, that I want to smack them with my strong hand and have them talk to my 3 year old who felt she had to stick up for her big sister because the OW was yelling at her. Or my 12 year old who spent a year with stomach pains that seemed to coincide with driving into the parking lot of the dojo where his dad hooked up with the OW. Fuck “resilience”, our kids are not play dough!

Rebecca
Rebecca
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

That point about glamorizing infidelity and your children’s truth is what need to get out there as part of a book review on Amazon. You are correct, no one talks about the reality for the children. Mine were old enough to make their own choices.
You are a wonderful example of advocating for those that done get seen or have a voice.
It gets better. I promise.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

The agent kind of reminds me of this “Golden Girls” episode. Sorry, can’t help myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muWdf_18cho

Perhaps people are uncomfortable talking about chumps because of the shame it entails. Nobody wants to believe that at any point, something completely out of your control can happen, hurt like hell, and turn your world upside down. That is, self-help, chumpdom, and the like is for wusses.

Nobody wants your discomfort to make them uncomfortable.

Others are simply want to validate their own behavior.

The truth of the matter, is my ex-husband is the one who should feel ashamed, not me, and anyone who thinks otherwise can bite me.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago

“Nobody wants your discomfort to make them uncomfortable.”
and
“Others simply want to validate their own behavior.”

I think you’re completely right about this. I’ve found that good people, really GOOD people don’t recoil when they ask and I tell them I’m recently divorced from a cheating bastard. Others will wrinkle their noses and change the subject, which is cool with me, but it’s always them that asked about my marital status anyway. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know why I’m divorced, asshole. Oooo he cheated on you, how unfortunate.

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Dr…. and Rumblekitty, you’re discussing the meat of a truism that I’ve learned from going through this ordeal. Not everyone you know is going to magically intuit how difficult it is for you and some will simply have some sort of discomfort or dislike.

“Nobody wants your discomfort to make them uncomfortable.”

It is just one of the not-so-pretty defensive aspects of human nature. I used to take it personally, not any more. I accept it… but oh yes, I judge the fuck out of those people.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I hear you. When people say, “I’m sorry” my reply is “He’s the one that is sorry.”

kb
kb
9 years ago

I loved my one colleague, whom I don’t know really well but who divorced her husband about a year ago, who told me that most people would say they’re sorry, but she wanted to congratulate me.

FlyingSquirrel
FlyingSquirrel
9 years ago

Ugh. Pitchfests are the worst. Good luck tomorrow.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago

Last night I wrote: ‘Is it just me, or do others find it difficult to share their purchase on social media’. Though I haven’t been secretive at all, I’m far from shouting this from the rooftops. Not because I think I should be ashamed, but because of people’s opinions, that could come back to hurt me (professionally, I’m self employed) or the children.

And that troubles me, since I shouldn’t be defined by something done to me. But I think it is the harsh reality. And the only way to change it is openness…

You go Chumplady, you have brought so many of my doubts into words, making it easier to express myself, even to understand myself. The problem here though is, many people have this distrust of American self help literature… Wonder why?! 😉 It’s difficult to explain how and why your message its so different.

Should be a Dutch translation!

MMargaret
MMargaret
9 years ago

Dear Chump Lady, I hope your book triumphs. I’m going to buy it and put it in our library so the English speaking people in my country/city can read it. I want to write an article promoting it. Oh God do I know the sneering of people who have the power to sneer at beings they consider less than – while this country was going through a particularly nasty stage of xenophobia I got sneered at and thwarted by a bank professional who was supposedly helping me with my late husband’s estate (not a cheater husband by the way). He gifted me with problems that cost thousands in the local currency to sort out. Those sneer-people aren’t helpless twits – they’re powerful twits, and they deserve comeuppance. My sneer-baby will never see it, but yours will because I predict massive success for your book.

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  MMargaret

That’s a great idea for as many of us as possible to also buy a copy for our local library.

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
9 years ago

The hardest part is being understood by “the others” (who haven’t ever experienced the life altering state we all have on this site). The internal struggle and frustration of narrating your story only to be greeted with vacant looks of just get over it already… It feels like I’m in a void screaming for help and no one around to help!! Even worse with professionals we must turn to (judges, lawyers, therapists) who JUST DON’T GET IT!!!!!
Worse still is when I have shared my experience and I’ve had attempts to silence me with defamation threats 🙁
Thank you CL you have made a huge difference to my life and many others. Many blessings to you.
I so look forward to purchasing your ebook.

MMargaret
MMargaret
9 years ago

I have a theory – these people who “don’t get it” actually do – they just don’t want to see it and they’re threatened by those of us who do. I say my truth with the understanding that it can come back to bite me when I least expect it through friends I thought I had and people talking behind my back and smearing me: I expect it so am not surprised. I act as if they know what they are doing. Surprise goes both ways – I have good friends and I didn’t expect some of them either. There’s always people who are waiting to hear the truth, aren’t ready to hear it now (but will be later), and the truth needs to be out there. Otherwise, you have this cloak of silence and pretences going on that Chumpdom does not exist. Many people have written in to say Chump Lady has put voice to their experience and this is life saving work. Let the truth out – and let the chips fall!

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago

Never mind the “wrinkly nosed” “Self help” hating Editor. She’ll be cursing the day she refused you when she sees your “Quirky” Chump ass on the NYT Best seller list laughing your Chump ass straight to the bank!
They can sneer all they want but you do more good in the lives of chumps here on a daily basis than they could imagine doing in their lifetime. Sheesh!
WHEN CAN I BUY THE KINDLE VERSION PLEASE?

kath
kath
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yay! Can’t wait!

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It’ll be like the guy who turned down the Beatles. 😉

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

And all the publishers who turned down JK Rowling.

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I’ll wait. .. Because I read all my books on kindle but just as a Fuck u to the Editor…[ChumpLady, I never used to swear before I found you! 🙂 ].. I’m going to order a hard copy to put proudly on my shelf .

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  13YEARCHUMP

Ordered my hard copy from amazon. Yay!

Tonya
Tonya
9 years ago

“And look, who wants to out themselves publicly as a chump?”

Me, me, me – I’m a Chump and I’m proud!!!

There should be an International Chump Pride Day!

Chump in the Sand
Chump in the Sand
9 years ago
Reply to  Tonya

Yeah, that would be even more inclusive than Gay Pride!

Oooh! Oooooh! If we had a Chump Convention, we could swarm a city and use up all the hotels and ruin a bunch of “love nests” for that weekend….

MissedRedFlags
MissedRedFlags
9 years ago

Totally true! The common mind-set is that if you have been cheated on then you must have “done something wrong” and are a “little less” in the eyes of society.
I tell everyone. I’m tired of being ashamed. The shit happened and I’m trying to deal.

I bought your book yesterday.

Thank you, Chump Lady.

Redcon
Redcon
9 years ago

I’ve ordered two copies! One for my mother and one for myself.. apparently being a chump is hereditary. Thanks so much Chump Lady!

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

Chin up, Tracy!

FWIW, I can kind of understand an agent wanting to shy away from “self-help”, and I also understand why the genre has become a pejorative in publishing circles. I am betting you understand why that is true too; after all, it’s part of the reason you felt compelled to write your book: a lot of self-help is really all about making excuses for terribly bad behavior. Broadly, a lot of material published as self-help is not terribly helpful and can be split into one of two camps–Victimization or Empowerment–and both camps are largely populated by rogues and charlatans.
I would guess (because I have only read the teaser and this blog) that your book falls largely into the Empowerment camp, but is pragmatic and does it without going to Utopiaville like Tony Robbins or “The Secret”.

That being said, I figure many (if not most) agents are assholes unless they are working for you. That’s alright if they’re on your side and playing hard-ball for you, but they’re not usually fun at parties 🙂

Kat
Kat
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I have to go on 50 bad coffee dates before someone is going to accept my chump cult sparkly vagina self? But I don’t like coffee that much.

Congrats on your number 1 rank in divorce. Half of the baby stuff I bought on Amazon was because of its rank. Don’t worry about anyone throwing out a bad review. It’s going to happen with a book
I plan to get two, one for me and one for my therapist.

Thank you CL. I’m thinking of those who are about to be validated and get their sanity back because they clicked purchase for your book. I was never going to stay with my cheater but this blog saved me in so many ways.

Full-Steam-Ahead
Full-Steam-Ahead
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Agreed, CL, sales speak for themselves. Watch them fall over themselves trying to sign you after you hit 100,000+ sales! Ha! The joke will be on them.

Plus, this agent sounds like a dinosaur–stuck in the paper and glue world of 19th century! You already demonstrated a base of major interest electronically through your blog. Plus, if she had any business sense, she would realize the tremendous emotional energy around this topic, which translates into major sales. Who care what you label the brick…gold is gold!

Thanks for writing the book, Chump Lady! It is past time to remind the world the world that cheating is the problem….NOT divorcing a cheater!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

This attitude is one reason why publishing is in trouble. Two million hits and the editor smirks. How many books start out with a writer who has a big blog platform plus access to Huffington Post and other media outlets without an organized media tour? And of course, I detest smirking, as the indicator that the smirker feels superior to the person he or she is talking to. It is like dating. And I won’t date a fucking smirker and a smirker doesn’t deserve to be your editor. The well-honed picker always bypasses the smirkers.

Meg
Meg
9 years ago

Hi Tracy,
Congratulations on finishing what I know will be one of the best books I ever read, and one I will recommend to everyone I know. I can’t wait until my copy arrives!
I suggest you wear one of your T-shirts to the conference. Your pictures tell your story in a very interesting, snarky way. You could write on the back: “Ever been cheated on?” Let them come to you!
Maybe being an editor is a job that attracts a lot of narcissists, who then tend to be cheaters. Your book outs them. It’s a smack down to those who deserve it. You will need to find the editor who was chumped and appreciates the wisdom. Someone who won’t be able to put it down.
Oh and for Carol and others- my XH got a blow-job almost every day, even if I was 9+ months pregnant, to keep the king happy. Married 34.5 years & divorced 8 months & never putting up with that shit again. Go Tracy!!!

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  Meg

She has to wear the muffin top t-shirt. A personal fave and so funny.

Meg
Meg
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Good idea. That shirt says it all.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

Talking about infidelity to people who are close to you or not, who have been chumped or not is akin to talking about failure.

That’s the reaction I get from some I chumped people, or people who refuse to see their own chumpiness. Who wants to be around a loser?

I don’t mind quirky. That’s ok. It’s hard not to feel like the Ebola virus of relationships around people who act as if it’s going to to rub off on them.

That’s my observation. I’m ok with it, as I have chosen to move forward in just about everything I am doing, including dealing with the reactions of some people when they hear my absurd experience.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

I should add….

I cannot wait to read about your response to this. You have a great kick-ass way of setting things straight. No smoke and mirrors. I love it!

dumberer
dumberer
9 years ago

I have found that no one wants to know, because they are scared they will catch chumpiness from me and then THEIR life might get turned upside down from no fault of their own.
“Oh but he is a great provider”
“Oh you HAVE let yourself go since (youngest child)”
“Really how bad can it be”
and that’s from people who should have my back, or at least my children’s backs.

Its cool to be the player, its shameful to be played. Wrong as it is, that’s how society sees it.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
9 years ago

I can’t believe there is no category for infidelity. After one useless MC session when things got so incredibly shitty — after ILYBINILWY but before the D-Day text: (I wish you were here!) the worthless therapist recommended Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. I read part of it hoping to get out of my mental spiral of terrified negative thoughts and actually thought some of the ideas I tried were “working” despite the fact that I was alone in trying to fix things. I searched the index for infidelity, as I strongly suspected something had happened. I thought maybe one incident or something, but there was nothing in the book about it, which I despairingly took to mean that it was beyond the scope of marriage repair. I had no idea at that point he had been carrying on an affair the whole fucking time.
Tracy, your clarification is possibly the single most helpful factor in my navigation of this terrible process. I can’t wait to read your book and I will get a copy for my therapist too. Great idea namedforvera. I would love to share the clarity and understanding with some one else who desperately needs it.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  CRHCHK

Good point: like everything else, IMAGO is a wonderful idea when you have reciprocity, but it DOES NOT WORK WITH NARCISSISTS.

After 7 years of busting a gut trying to fix this thing, I am afraid that the therapists who say there is no cure for narcissism and they cannot be helped, is correct.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Nothing works when we try to have a relationship with a narcissist. One person is in a relationship; the other doesn’t give a shit about the relationship.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Under IMAGO, affairs are classed as ‘catastrophic exits’, along with murder and suicide.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
9 years ago

Also I love the cover because my D-Day was just before Valentines day when he told me he was in love with OW. I had managed to make cards for my 5 year old’s class and I made one for my STBX that said: Unhappy Valentines day. I do not wish you well. Just the beginning of the rage that followed.

Satsuma
Satsuma
9 years ago

Now this hits my hot button. When I finally accepted that I was a chump, when I could say it out loud, only then did I accept myself for what I truly am and begin to heal. The editor who sneered at you amuses me with her self-absorption. She fits the profile. She doesn’t get it, yet. One day when she, her daughter/son, sister/ bro or best friend gets recycled or replaced, or simply left behind, she will eat her words and ditch the attitude.
No more shit sandwiches–from anyone. Shame on her.

Your nation is growing…we are pulling eachother through this muck. Thanks, Tracy. You helped me save myself by inviting me into this community. Bless us all.

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago

What is it that I’ve read before– people want to believe that the world is inherently fair and just, so they ascribe the cheater’s behavior to a spouse (chump) who has somehow encouraged it, I believe? That allows them to believe that it will “never happen to them” and that they are not behaving like the chump did, so their spouses will never have any reason to look for some strange.

Society isn’t open to the opposite narrative– yes, you might have married someone disordered. You might be married to someone who has been happily leading a double life and enjoying his/her cake. You might be married to someone who happily has unprotected sex with someone he/she met on the internet and then comes home and has sex with you. You’re a good spouse who works hard/takes great care of the house and kids/has sex with your spouse way more than the national average/still has a rockin’ body/whatever… and you still might get chumped. That’s not sexy. That doesn’t encourage people to spend their money on splashy weddings. We still want the Disney princess, happily ever after narrative. It sells, and it’s much more fun to believe in.

That’s why chumps have to stay in the dark, ashamed of what *they* brought upon themselves… because to believe the opposite narrative is eye-opening and scary. That’s why infidelity is sexy in the media as well, and the chump is portrayed as a nag, as someone who has let him/herself go, as abusive, etc. Those who haven’t been chumped (yet) don’t want to hear from strong, confident people that they were chumped and that it wasn’t their fault (subtext: Yes, it could happen to you.). It’s like the way we used to view physical abuse– well, clearly the wife (since it’s more often the wife) did something to anger her husband, and he just lost his temper. That wasn’t talked about either. Women used to feel shame and were encouraged to stay with their abusers.

Infidelity is like being overweight in today’s culture. It’s one of the last things we can make fun of and ascribe blame to the victim. Oh, it happened to the chump because he/she’s a bad partner… just like being overweight is always the result of doing nothing but eating Twinkies and watching TV all day, so it’s clearly the overweight person’s fault. We still make fat jokes. We still think infidelity is no big deal.

I think that our culture is shifting slightly in its attitude toward overweight people, especially now that we are better informed about how some people genuinely struggle and how there might be other factors that contribute to obesity.

We haven’t yet started the shift in the perception toward infidelity, but it’s starting here. Hopefully, CL, your book will really get the ball rolling and be able to reach out to those who haven’t found the blog. I know that I looked for literature that resonated with my gut– This isn’t your fault! Leave him!– and all I found were “how to stay together” rugsweeping books. I imagine that there are many more people like me out there who will be grateful to find your book since we are LEGION.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Yes: “It’s one of the last things we can make fun of and ascribe blame to the victim.”

I have recently seen jokes in a family-friendly major magazine that treat cheating like it is light-hearted humor. Makes me upset…

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  NorthernLight

Yes, well said, Moving On. One thing I know is before I was Chumped, I could not relate to anybody who meekly said…’oh, my husband cheated on me’. I was too happily married and thought – whoa – that sounds catching (like a cold) and could not empathize remotely what they were going through. Just so glad it wasn’t happening to me! But, nobody ever really made it sound like a big deal – like yeah, they were ashamed of themselves or something so the conversations never went very far and I just nodded in pity. And, believe me, if you’re happily married, most ppl are going to know you can’t relate so I think they drop it without details.
In fact, I can’t think of more than one person who has admitted to being cheated on.
Now, when I ask why a marriage ended and if cheating was involved. The answer is ALWAYS yes. NOW, I can relate. I can rage with them. In fact, the more I speak out about the injustice of it and how it should be illegal for the amount of pain it causes (somebody said right up there with rape and murder and I agree!), they get far more from me emotionally.
See, that’s what *I* got from Chump Nation. The need to get the word out that these cheaters are ALL selfish bastards. Stay out of my way if you don’t want to hear my opinion on that! HA. Many thanks for opening my eyes which I never thought would be open on a subject like this. My God, the wasted years..

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

WELL SAID

blue
blue
9 years ago

CL, just keep moving forward. Please don’t be discouraged. How many rejections did J. K. Rowling receive for Harry Potter?

That agent’s attitude is why your book is so important. Chumps need to be heard, and they need to be hear what you have to say.

Anyways, did you know your book is now #1 under “Divorce” at Amazon? Congrats! You totally deserve it. The cost of your book is nothing compared to the hundreds/thousands of dollars I spent on the RIC’s books, CDs, counseling sessions, etc., in a futile and misguided attempt to save my marriage.

Chump Lady
Chump Lady
9 years ago
Reply to  blue

Seriously???????!!!! OMG

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Lady

Yep, #1 in divorce. Four great reviews, one crazy person who says your blog whips people up into a frenzy of hatred against retarded people because you say fuck, or something like that.

Just bought my copy!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

I thought some more on your question about why there isn’t a clear book category. [Flashing warning: sociologist hat on head]

My guess (and it’s just a guess) is that doing good research on infidelity is too difficult. It’s about identifying a sample–you can maybe get the chump, but getting the cheater to respond? Problematic. And respond honestly?? Well, alas we all know about that one….

I’ve seen the clinical studies, but those samples are so limited. And they are mostly focused on treatment approaches, and are *mostly* representative of the RIC. Or the college student samples– I don’t think what college kids are doing w/r/t cheating generalizes to married/partnered adult couples very well.

So you get studies on sex addiction; studies on porn consumption; starting to get work on the use of Trashly Madison type sites. Work on shame (Brene Brown). Work on Character disorders (Simon). Pepper Schwartz et al. do work on marriage that includes infidelity, but it’s not the focus. And, her work comes out of looking at sexual behavior. In other words, work on different pieces of the puzzle, but nobody puts it together like you do.

Maybe that’s the crux: the world still sees cheating as primarily a sexual behavior, not as a power maneuver, abuse, manifestation of NPD, etc.

Finally, much of the work in the RIC seems to be self published by whatever “Institute of Saving Your Fucked Up Marriage” that the author runs. It’s probably mostly sold online via their site, and at the costly seminars.

So we are lacking a good solid layer of basic research–and without that, trade books (i.e., books for a general audience) are going to be harder to do. Unless, like you, you’ve basically done your own research.

I did try trawling the literature when I was in Amazon chump mode, and even then the articles were pretty scarce on the ground.

So, certainly there are a few good books. (I found Dennis Ortman’s Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder helpful, for example. Not a perfect fit, but helpful.) Again, this book is based on his research practice, so it may–or may not–generalize to the wider population.

So that’s my $.02. Leave it, or take it if it’s helpful.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

“I’ve seen the clinical studies, but those samples are so limited. And they are mostly focused on treatment approaches, and are *mostly* representative of the RIC. Or the college student samples– I don’t think what college kids are doing w/r/t cheating generalizes to married/partnered adult couples very well.

So you get studies on sex addiction; studies on porn consumption; starting to get work on the use of Trashly Madison type sites. Work on shame (Brene Brown). Work on Character disorders (Simon). Pepper Schwartz et al. do work on marriage that includes infidelity, but it’s not the focus. And, her work comes out of looking at sexual behavior. In other words, work on different pieces of the puzzle, but nobody puts it together like you do.

Maybe that’s the crux: the world still sees cheating as primarily a sexual behavior, not as a power maneuver, abuse, manifestation of NPD, etc.”

NamedforVera, that comment is worth a whole lot more than $.02. Absolutely brilliant. Makes me want to switch my academic discipline and take up social science research so that the chump experience can be properly researched and represented.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

why thank you (bows and blushes.)

I agree that it’s worth doing right. i’ve seen a few polemicals that try to encapsulate the whole picture, but as I say their polemical stance undermines the credibility (even if I personally agree…)

Now for the grant. I no longer have an academic appointment, so…

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

I’m afraid you’re onto something… Just like rape is not about sex, but about power (overpowering someone), infidelity is not about sex, but as CL wisely states, about cake. Kibbles. Excitement, fantasy, things that seem to run out in normal life for some people.

Just before my D-day I heard about a friend who was suddenly left by her husband, I seriously thought: you must have known, people just don’t just pack up and leave their family, there are probably two sides to her story. Boy, have I since grown in the empathy department… The wrinkled noses, frowns, kindness towards cheating ex by even close friends and family members? Hate it, but understand them. I only now truly understand my own mother, who dealt with my cheating dad. Doesn’t come much closer than that. But I didn’t get it.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago

Ironically, that conference sounds like another “pick me!” dance. Ugh.

We feel frustration and shame because unless one has been personally chumped, they have no idea what it feels like to have other people judge us, deep down believing we chumps somehow deserved it.

That smirky agent? I’m guessing she’s fucking a married man.

JM
JM
9 years ago

Tracy, This won’t only be a book (it already is, I ordered 3 copies), it’s going to be a movie, a la He’s Just Not That Into You. You should not only have this project in mind but the next and the next. Better prospects, better meetings, better sales if it’s treated this way. Weird that infidelity is denied (terribly old school, perhaps, was she elderly?), I certainly haven’t shied away from the truth of what happened, by God I REFUSE to add more lies to this pile of wrong. You’ve got it so together with your “platform” of success, years of blogs, animation, and most of all the bitter truth of your subject matter PLUS a righteous road to recovery for your readers that you’re going to make this happen. Thanks for keeping us posted…we’re here waiting for more results.

me
me
9 years ago

Contact Sandra Bullock and ask who her publicist is.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  me

I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or not, but actually, this is a great idea. I know in our culture of false celebrity intimacy, we feel we know famous people. Just the way the media is these days. But SB really does seem like the real deal, and I bet this is a discussion she would get behind.

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

Yep, she was with that douchbag while in the exciting moments of adopting their own baby. Can’t imagine what she went through but not much different than TOO many on this blog. I’m sure she’d relate very well to our discussions, if she’s not already here.

me
me
9 years ago

Last night I was watching an Oprah interview with J K Rowling. She was turned MANY MANY times and then an agent picked it up. Look at her now.

Infidelity (and more so sudden abandonment) is like having leprosy. I believe people subconsciously think that if they get around you, they may get it on them and it may come to their doorstep.

Maybe all 2.5 of us need to target a chosen publisher and all write saying, “What are you thinking?!” This woman is the New Age (albeit foul-mouthed) Mother Teresa. Publishing her book is a public service. Not doing so is like watching baby seal get beaten on the rocks.

(Queue the music): I think Steve Winwood said it best for the publihers and for all of us in ChumpNation: When You See A Chance Take It

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9hTDAk1v9M

Happy weekend.

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago
Reply to  me

The foul-mouthed Mother Teresa! LOL.

FoolLisa
FoolLisa
9 years ago

Lord. I was standing waiting for my daughter yesterday, returning from her first ever day trip with a bunch of other 7 year olds. Although I was among the first to arrive, none of the other still-married mothers bothered to come up to me. It is like it does rub off on them. The dads, they still talk to me, enquiring how I am holding up. Like they used to when I was still married. Its like am either dangerous or they just don’t want to know. As if I turned into an endangered species or so, over night.

I can only agree with all here. I have read a whole lot of self-help-how-to-save-your-marriage books. I did the pick me dance for 4 months and it was the most degrading thing of my life. I still walk around the house shaking my head at what I did an how I was used by my stbx of 20 years. I am smart, did 2 degrees in Economics, have a high paying executive job, but let me get manipulated to the max at home. That new exec job must have been the dealbreaker for him, or the perfectly good reason for fucking his howorker and my former best friend. The more I stood up for me, the more reason he found blaming me for his unhapiness.

Although I found this site months after he moved out, it made me find back my sanity. As I sat here reading all the explanations of pick me dances, ego kibbles, cake and living with a narcissist, it made me cry. I was so so relieved. I thought I was mad, making things up, thinking it was me. Still gaslighted… It was such a aha moment for me, I will never forget it. Tracy, you have become my hero. Every day you kick my ass and tell me to stop whining. Every day you go into a topic I can relate too. And you disect it and make me see more light. I am almost divorced, on the way to meh. Standing waiting for my daughter, this blog came to mind. And it made me smile. Because I am me, and you all can go f*ck yourself. The ones that are worth it, never left my side. The ones who wanted to hear, are still here. Everybody else fell off the wagon. Boehoe – their freaking loss.

So, I bought your book today! In print, at Amazon, over here on the other side of the atlantic! I checked every day, and I could buy it! Some 15 comments already on amazon, not all positive. So, we should all buy, comment on amazon and make Tracy a best seller. She tells a story that needs to be told, it will save many more chumps from collapsing. Thank you thank you!

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolLisa

Fool Lisa. You know what I like to do if I feel somebody is ignoring me and a group possibly looking my way silently shaking their heads? Well, I’m not shy at all so I Love to go over and join in the group and find out how everybody is doing. Genuinely. I don’t like to feel paranoid and assume they’re treating me like leprosy. I know that is my low self-esteem playing tricks on me. I don’t think groups like that know what to say exactly so they avoid, like when they just find out you have cancer. Don’t know any better.

Therefore, I find it infinitely more important for myself to confront them directly. When or IF it comes around to asking how *I* am, I unabashedly tell my story – and too bad my voice is so loud because it usually echoes in a room, but I wave my hands the same way. No – I firmly believe people need to be confronted and nobody should be ostracizing us for our ‘new status’. See how mighty I’m doing?! That should be the motto – not slink away. You go girl.

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

p.s. …..and doing it with humor always lightens the situation up. I’ve learned a lot of humour from this site!

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

…and, most importantly, the amount of people who come up later to say their ex cheated on them or other such problems in their marriage. Great way to connect with folks as this seems to be a pretty common occurrence in our society today.

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolLisa

I’m on the other side of the Atlantic as well. I bought my copy at amazon.co.uk. we need to crank up the reviews on there. Want to help?

FoolLisa
FoolLisa
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Did that! And wow, what a troll in that first post. Must be a cheater or ow.

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolLisa

Lisa – people are already writing reviews on the book in the UK and they haven’t even had a chance to read it yet? Oh ya. That’s the Cheater Nation, it’s worldwide, apparently.

FoolLisa
FoolLisa
9 years ago

Another thing I just rememberd. It rubs off the other way to. I had an insurance guy come over yesterday. Me being in the process of restructuring finances and all that. He actually thought that I was a helpless, emotionally distressed little house wife who should listen to his advice. At my word that I would manage, he acted shocked. Said that I had no clue. God! Me, who applied for a job as head of insurances some 5 years ago, but turned it down because of the poor salary package, me being in charge every day off millions of money and having a secondary law degree. Me doing contract and legal work on a regular basis. But noooooooo, here she is, divorced and miserable. No way a woman in the middle of a divorce could have any brain or self worth. Sjeez.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolLisa

Also if he patronizes you enough maybe you’ll be convinced to buy one of his rip-off “investments.”

FoolLisa
FoolLisa
9 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Hah. No way. Just the assumption that I must not have a brain is a definite deal breaker. Had enough of that the last 20 years 🙂

Shechump
Shechump
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolLisa

Oh, the financial sharks out there! Beware – us newly singles are definitely targets. Set HUGE boundaries here. I’ve had the unfortunate problem of some workmen and 2 BIL’s make inappropriate comments to me about how their love-life at home sucks. They have learned to protect their eyeballs from my fingers when I shove them towards their eyes that this is inappropriate conversation, assholes. Oh God, these people that come out of the woodwork are making me sick. Thinking *I’m* fucking vulnerable? No. I’m fine – just in attack mode towards users.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago

Oh, fuck–you PAID to do the Pick Me dance at a convention.

The psychology of that–it’s gotta be a thing. Like, the more people want you, the more bitchy and entitled you become. And you KNOW that these people are not necessarily popular or likable in any other context–so, BOY, when they get to a convention, they really WORK that arrogance.

The picture in my mind of those bitches rolling their eyes at each other and then of one of them rejecting your pitch without really grasping what you’ve created here makes me want to get in her face.

I wonder if we chumps are like that–something about our personalities or posture invites hostility or abuse? But if you fucking hurt my FRIEND? I will come AT you, bitch.

Ugh.

Don’t these people realize their days are numbered, anyway? What with all the self-publishing and social media taking over??

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

I totally agree. They probably complain mightily about having to attend the conventions, and secretly cannot wait to get there and be courted, and wield a little power. Puke.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

Hey CL, here is a link on Amazon about key words: https://kdp.amazon.com/help?topicId=A2EZES9JAJ6H02

this could help you end up in search results with the RIC books, for example when I search Amazon for “surviving infidelity” your book is not in the list that comes up. “Not Just Friends” does. Test out different key words you think people will use when they are cheated on and doing the Amazon Chump dance.

I just went ahead and bought the paper version of your book, that way I can donate it to the library :).

andstillirise
andstillirise
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

wow, Datdamwuf: that’s damn useful data.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  andstillirise

yes

Chumpectomy
Chumpectomy
9 years ago

Tracy, I knew I was getting divorced and could not stay with cheater, but had no idea how not to get out of his toxic narrative. Your blog helps me do that increasingly better every single day. We have been humiliated into going underground, or feeling often humiliated after we tell our stories. It’s time for the full blown critique. It’s your story and our stories. They are erupting all over the place and you are the one who can bring this together, make sense of the fallout so OUR passion and lives have a chance.

Here is my take on the hard sell. Worldwide popular culture values the Anna Karenina story. Oh poor Anna and Vronsky never had a chance with their pure love and amazing sex. She was trapped in a marriage with a cold-hearted saint and was shunned to death by a community. Oh, if their love/sex could have been acknowledged! If they had a place; she would be alive today!

Your book pokes holes in that story/fantasy that is oh-so-loved of: true passion between souls that meet in ‘impossible circumstances’ of being involved with others. They are caught between the hard place of socially contrived honesty and the true honesty of their hard places. Or they are people aware of others but simply swept away by the truth of an emotional and sexual connection with someone who is not their spouse.

You GO Tracy!!

Imperial Russia does not exist anymore. Even when Imperial Russia did exist, affairs were an integral part of the culture. Let’s retell Tolsky shall we? Their particular “love” was possible BECAUSE OF THE DECEPTION. For many, it’s sexy to lie. many find it sexy to make another feel like shit so they can get to orgasmic throes. It’s sexy to compete with each other sexually WHEN the stakes are high and there is great humiliation to be brought upon someone else’s head (not their own please), for the sake of the ‘truth’ of cheater sex. In other words, cheater sex is culturally specific, made to be viewed as counter culture in the best of ways—it’s outside the dominant heterosexual paradigm. Cheater sex is viewed as HONEST sex because it frees the cheaters from the trappings of heterosexuality.

Our stories say: that’s a lie. Ask the woman who gave her husband all the choices in the world to divorce when she felt something was terribly wrong. Ask the man who was gaslighted for YEARS AND YEARS. Ask people who were mindfucked into submission to labor for a lying asshole.

We have passion. We love sex. We really love orgasms. Hell we even hate what happened to Anna. But fuck why do we have to be shit upon for years and then be made to feel like we trapped our spouses in marriages they did not want. They wanted us dammit, to get their cheater sex high and then live off the fact that they ruined someone else. Oh, how powerful they are. But they also feel bad, oh poor cheaters, they do understand the pain they caused (they say this as they plug away at their iphones)

We have a different stories. Stories of being deceived and violently invaded our young children ripped from us. That pokes the holes in the sexy cheater sex. Oh, you tube culture does not like that.

But you know what is sexy? Having a voice. Having your life back. There are paradigms for that too. (I haven’t seen any, but I am sure there are, isn’t there a film Gloria, what about The Good Wife (don’t know it very well). Are there stories of us out there?

We are the fallout, the soulful and we also can have amazing sex. Truth and authenticity, steaming hot intelligence. That is what your book offers. Truth to power. The power of those who made use of the trust people infuse into marriage so that they could get cheater sex by dehuminizing through deception. It’s not true sex. It’s cheater sex. The deception and the sex ate interwoven. But the sexy sex fall apart when we deconstruct it through humanizing the chump. Many people hate that. I love it.

You GO Tracy!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Wow! Just….WOW……Beyond beautiful…..

Speechless…..

Meg
Meg
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

So Right!

homefree
homefree
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Thanks for this. Beautifully written, courageous and true.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
9 years ago

I’m not surprised you are having trouble pitching this–it is niche market. The number of people who have been chumped, realized it, have avoided the reconciliation swamp, and are seeking ways to help themselves is relatively small (if you are the sort of person who thinks in marketing terms). But that doesn’t mean the editors aren’t being idiots for giving you the brush-off without looking at your site. Most people pitching a book are trying to catch a wave–ride the crest of popularity. You are writing to an unfilled need–and that means there isn’t competition in this market, even if it is small.

I agree with a lot of other posters who have said they hope you are pitching the humor. It is too easy to think of infidelity as sad or depressing (because it is), but you stand out for approaching it with wit and energy.

I’d describe you as a combination of Tina Fey and Erin Brockovich with cartoons. Your writing has edges and heart and humor.

I also hope you are pitching the fact that your strategies are good for dealing with any narcissist. In fact, I’m hoping your second book is about surviving and thriving after having become entangled with a narcissist (whether or not the narcissist included cheating in his or her bag of selfish tricks).

I’m glad I can buy your book, but it deserves a lot more readers–because people need it and because you are a wonderful writer about hard truths and difficult experiences.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Very, very excellent insights, IMHO, Eilonwy.

“I’d describe you as a combination of Tina Fey and Erin Brockovich with cartoons. Your writing has edges and heart and humor.

I also hope you are pitching the fact that your strategies are good for dealing with any narcissist. In fact, I’m hoping your second book is about surviving and thriving after having become entangled with a narcissist (whether or not the narcissist included cheating in his or her bag of selfish tricks).”

Also DDW’s research into search terms–we can use those ourselves to nudge the algorithm, although whether there are enough of us I wonder…..

Aren’t we mighty, though?

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago

I just bought two copies, one for me and one for–for I hope nobody, but statistically speaking, it is likely I will have to replace it in the near future after I give it away to someone who will be as shell-shocked as I was.

One reviewer will be recognized as someone who was banned from this site. I replied to her post in a way that I hope is civil and constructive and shows us chump-heads to be sensitive and kind, and not at all in the way we are accused of being.

Oh, Tracy!! I can’t thank you enough for the true happiness you’ve helped me reclaim!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago

BTW, Amazon is reporting that your book is the #1 best seller in Divorce right now.

Yee!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

That’s fast!!