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The Fog Comes Softly on Little Cheater Feet

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reconciliation_fogI was going to write a column today, but I realized this morning I was out of milk. And that meant no oat squares for breakfast. Plus, I had squandered all of the blueberries on my husband yesterday (and milk) making him a milkshake. So I wasn’t in my right mind when I did the Bad Thing. I was in a Fog. People in fogs cannot be expected to do the Right Things, like write columns, or be nice, especially when they have not had their breakfasts. Which, if you really want to point fingers here, you should lay the blame on my husband and his penchant for night-time blueberry milkshakes.

I am just a sad, befuddled person incapable of higher functioning because I didn’t get oat squares for breakfast. This muddles my thinking. But maybe if you wait patiently — and without judgment! (who among YOU hasn’t run out of MILK, huh?) — I may yet write a column when I come out of the Fog.

Hum……

Hum….

No, not feeling it.

I think your insistence that I write a column today is the Real Problem Here. You expect too much. Can’t you see that my inability to live up to my obligations IS NOT MY FAULT? My husband NEEDED me. He needed that milkshake! And that set in motion the unfortunate events that led to you not getting a column today. (And really, who cares, crybaby!) The true calamity here is that I have low blood sugar and NO oat squares for breakfast.

But I’m sure you weren’t thinking about that, were you? NO, it’s all about YOUR pain, isn’t it?

I bet you’re fat and satisfied this morning, stuffed with your larder full of breakfast foods. You judge me and yet I detect crumbs of chocolate croissant on your lips! It’s easy for YOU to say “Tracy, where is my column? Snap out of this fog!” — from your well-fed position.

I was going to write it, really I was. Weak from lack of breakfast, I was yes, going to do it for YOU. And I tried. Don’t you appreciate how much I TRIED TO WRITE YOU A COLUMN?

Yes, it’s not finished. Okay, so you have a point, there should be some mention of cheaters or maybe a letter from an anguished chump. You’re really not concerned with the state of grocery shopping in my house. I get it. But it’s so hard to write columns.

My bed understands me. (Unlike you.) My soft, downy pillows do not judge. They say, come here, let me embrace you. Let me keep you safe from the demands of those horrid people who expect things of you. There are fluffy duvets here. It’s nice. Forget them.

I’m sorry. I can’t write today. I’m in a fog.

I think you should all stand for your column. Maybe some day I’ll wake up. Meanwhile, just wait there. Don’t get on with your lives.

ZzzzzzzzzZZZzzzzzzz.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I know! We could 180 you and then you’ll write a huge column for us! And you’ll make us blueberry shakes instead of ol’ whats-his-name. PICK US! PICK US!

    • Hahaha…I’m 180-ing her right now. Take that, CL. See me over here? I’m having a fun time without your stupid column. Check out this great outfit that tells you I DON’T CARE. What? You haven’t noticed? Well, screw you, I’m ignoring you anyway because hey, fake it till I make it.

        • My 12 yr old daughter walked in from a sports carnival this afternoon covered in glitter, thought of your post. (jazz hands) hehehehehe

          they say laughter is the best medicine, todays post has been awesome.

  • I love it! CL can write a column about not writing a column! These Cheaters go to so much trouble for their “oat squares” & excuses. I recommend coffee! Coffee is what gets me out of the fog, it might wake you up. Oh that’s right, waking up isn’t fun! Consequences-I’m allergic!

  • Brilliant, Tracy….Totally brilliant!!!

    Guess I better polish up my 180 skills, uh?!

    Forge on, Betrayed Ones, ForgeOn!!!

    • Oh please write your column , I’ll go get the milk… And I’ll fix a nice bowl of oat squares for you. And don’t feel like you have to wire a column every single day, just write one when you feel like it. And ( while I’m doing the pick-me-dance ) I’ll get you a new laptop so you can write your column in your nice bed; that is …when you want to of course. Pick me! Pick me!

    • I’m waiting on my Library of Congress number, Maria. Hopefully it will be up for sale by next week. I promise, I will make a huge fuss and tell you all.

  • I think that if I write you an epic, heartfelt letter, explaining my pain and disappointment–and if I commit to doing my part to make our relationship stronger, to meet your needs, to be more affectionate–you WILL write the column…and it will be better than ever!

    • I know!!

      I will run out to the fields, harvest the oats, toast them, pound and shape them into perfect bite sized squares, sprinkle them with sugar and love, then bake them. While their baking, I will buy a cow. Milk the cow. Chill the milk to your preferred temperature and then lovingly pour it over the homemade oat squares in your favorite bowl.

      I will then carefully feed them to you and dab your chin if you dribble milk.

      Maybe then you will love me enough to write a few words of a new column?

      • Funny, but ouch this hits home! This is exactly what I did during my marriage and now that I’m out of my fog…..I realize that’s what I did to try to earn love and attention from my parents.

        Didn’t work back then, won’t work now, certainly won’t work in the future. You can’t make a barbed wire monkey be anything other than…a barbed wire monkey.

      • March, I’m falling off my chair – you totally cracked me up! Yeah, CL – take her up on that incredible offer! NOW! please…

    • March – OUCH!! I actually DID write that stupid letter to my Ex!! I told him how sorry I was that I didn’t present his oat squares perfectly in his special bowl for him and how I was so wrong to not always have the right amount of milk in the fridge after I returned home from a long day at the office and didn’t stop our two kids from drinking his special milk before it could be served to him on a silver platter. I hope I live long enough for time travel to be possible….I will go back and tear up that letter and flush it down the toilet along with his cheater ass!!

    • This is it exactly! We will write that letter, and you will read it and turn yourself around and write that column! And it will be the best column we have ever read in our whole lives!! Right?? Just tell us what to do, what you need, we will do it! Pick us!!

      • I wrote 3 letters. Many of us have been there. He never replied to any of them. Tear stained and all.

  • (I’m going NO CONTACT to snap her out of the fog, make her appreciate me again and write a column. And while I’m NC, I will be standing here, waiting for her to come out of it since she said not to get on with my life.)

  • Can I nice you into a column? If I promise to do all of your grocery shopping from now on and buy you a cow so you never, ever run out of milk, will you write a column? How about if I travel to Michigan and hand pick all of the blueberries I can find and personally travel to Texas to deliver them to you, even though I have only a few dollars left, which I will spend supplying you with blueberries? Will you pick me over HIM and his need for milkshakes? Will you pick me over the fluffy pillows and the duvet if I hand-feed you oatmeal squares that I purchased with my hard-earned money, because the real problem, dontcha know, is that we’ve mistreated you by not being there for you.

    I love you Tracy!! This non-column column is pure genius!

  • Perfect CL! So true.

    I don’t want to do something I know I should do and even if you want me to do it and so I’ll keep not doing whateverthehell it is making you really angry and when you get mad I’ll keep not doing it a bit more and then ignore you and keep not doing it and then you’ll “lash out” and I’ll tell you you are crazy and maybe you’ll feel badly (like after reading this run on sentence) but I’m never to blame.

    You are great CL. Thank you.

  • Well, Tracy, don’t you remember you promised to write us a column daily, in sickness and in health, as long as we all shall live?

    Maybe it’s time we started looking into your computer records. I’m starting to suspect you’ve been writing columns for other chumps besides us. That’s probably why you didn’t get around to writing a column today. You’ve secretly been giving your best, most exciting words to other readers. Now there’s none left for us.

    You cheater.

    Day after day we come here looking for words of encouragement. We’ve been faithful to comment, to praise your prose, to thank our co-chumps for advice. It was such a great relationship! How can you turn your back on us like that? Just make a unilateral decision to not write a column? Here were are at the edge of the watering hole, where we come every day for a life sustaining drink, and we find the well is dry? Just because you didn’t have breakfast?

    Oh well. I’m going to go on with my life. I’ll find other words to give me comfort. Words that will never leave me. I’ll write them myself.

    🙂

  • Hang on. You just rest. I’ll be right back. I’m going to run to the gym and do back-to-back Pilates classes to get rid of this muffin top, get a bikini wax and a spray tan, and buy an outfit I think you’ll think is sexy. And I’ll be super pleasant and chill when I get home…maybe then you’ll want to pay a little attention to me and write me a column? Can I bring you anything while I’m out?

  • We’re so sorry we made you miss breakfast. We will drop ALL expectations if you will give us another chance to make you happy. We know we can do it, you just need a break from writing columns and getting out of bed and all of the unrealistic things we pushed on you. We are here for you, we always will be, because we have no boundaries and don’t think we deserve a column writer who writes columns.

  • Dear Tracy,

    I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly care about me and your not writing a column hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your not writing, everything that happened this morning, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

    No one wants to be forced to ‘look’ at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that the column didn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her and how I wake up every morning waiting to read your column. I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

    You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

    You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

    You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

    You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the ‘STUFF’ to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

    ****
    I’m not going to rewrite the entire letter but you get the idea
    🙂

  • Oh the milk. I became obsessed with not running out of milk when my kids were small as I could not leave the house to go to the shops once they were asleep. I need tea in the morning and I must have milk in my tea or I cannot function. So, I rarely run out of milk! I run out of lots of other things – have even had to use paper napkins when the toilet paper was all used up a few times.

    My advice Chump Lady is – always always leave a little milk for yourself hidden in jug at the back of fridge even if it means making a smaller shake for your husband. Always keep something for yourself no matter how fantastic your husband is!

  • I just think we need to spend a lot of time working out your FOO issues, the ones that seem to be impeding your core desire to live up to your obligations and be the person you said you would be.

    I think if we start on one end of the skein of your complex, infinitely significant and fascinating psychological characteristics, we can get back to the way it used to be, when you did what you said you would do without having to be policed or nagged or reminded about maintaining your own integrity.

    Like, I know the *real* ChumpLady wants to honor her commitments. I know that she understands that the consequences of her wayward actions will be harmful for us all.

    I think, really, we can grow from this, and be better than we were. If we just put all of our attention and thought into what makes ChumpLady tick. That should be our focus. Not our needs or obligations or plans or value. Priorities, people.

  • Maybe
    If we give you time,
    And not ask too many demanding questions.
    maybe you’ll realise we are your family.
    And that family blueberry milk shakes
    are so much better than takeaway.
    Bellzero

    • LOL. Love the “Koan” style. It really captures those “standing’ sites.

      You forgot to double-space it all, though, so that we know you are “really deep”.

  • I’m just going to Stand. Stand, with my wobbly dignity wrapped around me like a Kevlar Blankie. Stand like the Statue of Liberty, with a flashlight in one hand (for looking through your desk) and a tablet in the other (for internet research on your other “writings”).

    But still I stand.

  • When my wife gave me the “I tried to talk to you” line, I asked if that was the day I got that confusing talk that made no sense to me, when I asked if she was cheating and she said no? She might have wanted to mention that yes, she did have a new man friend… They always leave out the part about the other woman or man when they ‘try’ to talk to you about it.

    The ‘tried to talk’ argument becomes a very weak one when you’ve just been proven to be a liar and cheater. The person that has clear communication problems, calling out the person that was left in the dark because they couldn’t decipher the half-truths and bull snot they were fed in small doses at random times.

  • I love it, CL. Brilliant! Really helps us see how silly the “fog” concept is, though I did buy into it for awhile. When my XH sent texts to my mother calling her a c*nt and b*tch after he was in a rage that I had told his family and OW’s friends about the affair, I actually told my mother, “Don’t worry. That’s not the real him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just in a temporary fog.”

    The “fog” is a necesary concept for chumps to believe in in order to reconcile with the cheater. Otherwise the chump cannot maintain the cognitive dissonance between “He loves me and cares about me” and “He betrayed me, lied to me, disrespected me and abused me.” The “fog” is also a dangerous concept because it allows the abuse to continue as it absolves the cheater any responsibility for his abusive actions.

    • You know how English is full of contractions: ‘don’t; ‘can’t’; ‘bye-bye’…?

      I think ‘Fog’ is a contraction for ‘Excuse’.

    • Interesting. STBX’s temper has been one of those things we’ve spackled over because we see him as being in the fog. His brain chemistry goes haywire and he just lashes out without thinking.

      And of course that’s the excuse we give him: that he’s in a fog. He really can’t help it.

      Well, this past weekend, he pulled another one of his typical tiffs. I fixed dinner, but he was tired so he went to take a nap. He was sound asleep when dinner was ready (and no, this wasn’t at 9pm at night–think about 7:30). He told me that he was too tired to eat. I said okay, and put his dinner into leftover mode, since I’d wisely seen he’d pull this stunt due to being asleep.

      Fast forward about 20 minutes and he woke up feeling hungry, complaining there was no food in the fucking house. I offered to make him a plate. He declined. I reminded him where the potato salad was. Eventually he piled high some potato salad, ate it, and then went back to bed–probably texting OW about how horrible I was that I made him go to sleep hungry, that I wasn’t feeding him. Wtfever.

      Anyway, I called my mom and told her this, and her reaction was “what a big baby! How childish! You’d gone to the trouble to fix that meal and he wasn’t even going to get up out of bed to eat?”

      Some takeaways.

      Before being Chumped, I’d have tried to spackle over the incident, excusing his actions as arising from the fog of sleepiness. I’d have Pick-Me Danced to get him to allow me to fix him a plate, pleading with him to eat something so he’d feel better. Now I see the incident as bad manners, with a side order of entitlement. He felt entitled not only to treat me like dirt, but also to expect me to get him a plate after he’d raised a scene–or worse, to have me BEG him to eat something.

      Now, not so much. He doesn’t want to eat? Fine. I do. I am a good cook. What I produce is wasted on him anyway. If he wants to tell Schmoopie that I’m mean and don’t feed him, he’s free to do so, and she’s free to believe him. And welcome to him!

      • kb – how awful to be treated that way! (you know how much we’d all die for a good cook!) What a bastard. What bothered me about your post is it sounds like you’re still with this guy???

  • I know, I want you to look me in the eye & tell me that “yes, I wrote the column”. Then when I go to read the column & it’s not there, I want you to blame-shift & gaslight. (It must have failed to download, the server must have crashed, wait- I probably forgot to pay the wifi bill.) Because I am such a nag, you’re going to stomp off, then slam a few beers (it’s only 9 am? What, you the beer police?). Then you’re going to go to your Match.com profile & start picking someone who will get you. When you have worked through those women – who figured your crazy ass out & dumped you (so jealous!), you’re going to come back & love bomb me with compliments. Funnily enough, it doesn’t seem to be working – in fact, you look slightly nauseous…

  • Are you certain that it isn’t that time of the month for you? You always seem more unreasonable when “grandma” comes to call. Snap out of it! Don’t you realize all women go through this and they don’t make their family miserable? They do what is expected of them. Get out of that bed! Don’t make me go looking somewhere else for that which completes me because I will … you know I will and it will be all your fault! You will have no one to blame but yourself! Certainly not me.

  • Well here it is: The list of things I’m going to do so CL will start writing again. A little tweaked version of the 180. Couldn’t resist.

    1. Well fine then, I will NOT pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
    2. Forget about calling you; nope not gonna do it. (this makes me mysterious so you will want to write me columns again and not make blueberry milkshakes in the middle of the night.)
    3. I’m not going to point out all the good points in our relationship; all the times I’ve read your columns, commented and laughed. You will figure that out on your own when you come out of your fog.
    4. And I will not follow you around the house and beg you to write columns; (that would be really weird anyway since we don’t live together) I will just do my own thing and make you wonder what I’m up to!
    5. I will not be encouraging you to write articles about the future of chumps.
    6. As much as I want to speak with your family and get them to talk some sense into you, I won’t.
    7. I’m not going to ask for reassurances that you still love to write.
    8. I’m not going to buy you anymore gifts either. That’ll show you.
    9. I’m not going to schedule time to read your column anymore either.
    10. I’m moving on with my life! No, really I am-I am NOT just acting.
    11. Even though I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus I am going to be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    12. I am not staying around waiting on CL to write her column I am getting busy! Gonna find me some new hobbies or just enjoy some old ones but the bottom line is that I’m going to stay busy. Yes, very busy. I’m a really good driver too!
    13. When home with my laptop, no matter how much I want to; I will not be logging onto the CL website-no matter how much I want to! REALLY!
    14. Normally I would ask CLs advice but I am going to ASK NOTHING. I’ll show her how totally uninterested I am! Then she’ll stop making milkshakes-I just know it.
    15. CL needs to believe that I’ve awakened to the fact that she “(the WW=Wayward Writer)” is serious concerning her assertions as to the future (or lack thereof) of our column. Thus, so am I and I am moving on with my life- without chump lady! I am; you better take me serious.
    16. I won’t be nasty, angry or even cold in my replies – I’m just pulling back so I don’t always seem so available-for anything! CL will notice. More important, she will notice that I am missing.
    17. But no matter what I am feeling TODAY, I will only show CL happiness and contentment! I am faking it until I make it. I am morphing myself into someone CL would want to write a column for! Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that I have value.
    18. All questions about the column are now put on hold, until CL wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). I will NEVER initiate such conversations
    19. I will NOT lose my temper; nor will I yell or scream or call her names. I am as cool as a cucumber and in control of the only thing I can control-myself!
    20. I won’t be overly enthusiastic
    21. I will not argue when CL tells me she doesn’t want to write her column and only wants to sleep in her comfy bed with duvets; for this will only make her feelings of wanting to nap and make blueberry milkshakes even stronger. You know in fact, I think I will refuse to argue at all. That’ll show her!
    22. I will be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what CL is really saying to me; I will also HEAR what it is that she is saying! I will listen and then listen some more and then really listen a lot!
    23. No matter how mean and hateful CL is when she tells me to bugger off so she can sleep I will learn to back off, keep my mouth shut and walk away when I want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. I need to make my needs even smaller now so CL will still write.
    24. I am going to take care of me. I will exercise (a real lot so I can be the svelte reader she used to love) sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of my life that are not in turmoil.
    25. I will be strong, confident, but not too strong and confident-that threatens her. I will learn to speak softly.
    26. I know that if I can do this 180, my smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words I can write. Far more than any responses to her column.
    27. I am feeling a little desperate and needy but NO WAY am I gonna show her that!
    28. I will not believe any of what I hear/read CL say! She keeps speaking in absolute negatives and she is doing so in the most strident tones possible! I have to remember that she is also hurting and afraid. We expect her to keep writing her column when all she really wants to do is make blueberry milkshakes and sleep. I have to remember that she knows what she is doing is wrong and she will do anything to try and feel better. She is like a timid forest creature-I just can’t scare her!
    29. I am Pollyanna because I will not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad I feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
    30. I will not backslide from my hard earned changes. I will also remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. If that doesn’t work I will hold my breath until I turn blue!!
    31. When I express my dissatisfaction with the actions of CL (the wayward writer), I will never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. (remember she is a timid forest creature that I don’t want to scare away) I will always explain that my dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing me as a person. (All wayward writers care about the pain they are causing you so this is important!) Plus this is the kind of behavior that will cause me to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that I am NOT afraid to move on with my life. Still more important, it will burst her positive little bubble; the one in which she believe that she can always come back to me in case things don’t work out with the duvets and blueberry shakes.

    • I bet she’s off re-writing out blog history right now. I can almost hear her thinking (i can’t, though. That would be ‘mind reading’, and that would be very wrong) ‘I never like writing those awful articles on that terrible blog anyway”.

      It’s like an alien took over her brain. She is middle-aged. Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis? Or maybe her needs bucket was empty? What can we do to feel the needs bucket?

      lol

    • It’s amazing how many of your examples are exactly what the RIC and midlife crises advisors suggest. I did the 180 dance for a year. It was exhausting. Thx for showing the futility of it all in gory detail. And thank goodness for CL who made me finally get that the unmasked him is the Real Him.

    • Thanks for this; I know have a much better idea what the 180 everyone refers to is. (I never have been on a RIC site; my ex gave me no option of reconciliation.)

    • Cheatersucks – standing ovation! That was an awesome post – needed that today!!! Still clapping…You are all cracking me up like I haven’t for a long time! Needed that too! Jedi Hugs to all the humor expressed today!!

      • I have never heard of 180 before but after reading Cheatersuck’s post I am thinking it is a learners guide on how to become passive aggressive.

        loving the posts from today. thanks everyone

  • Dearest Chumplady,

    Can we have an agreement that, if I deliver milk and oat squares to your doorstop every morning, you will write a daily column? If there is anything else you need me to do to ensure that you honor your promise, just let me know and I will do it. Because I truly believe it is within *my* power to make sure that *you* honor your sacred vows. Me? I don’t need breakfast. I will do without lunch and dinner, too, if that is what it takes. All I need is you, Chumplady.

    Also, please watch your mailbox for the 7 books about breakfast tribulations that I ordered from amazon.com and highlighted so you could get to the good parts quicker. I’ve back-ordered audio CD versions of all of them in case more important issues in your life don’t leave time for reading Pollyanna self-help books. Perhaps you should start with “When Bad Breakfasts Happen to Good People,” “How Dry Toast for Breakfast Can Lead to a Richer, More Delicious Lunch,” or “Everything I Really Needed to Know About Breakfast I Learned From the Person At Work I Was Fucking In the Supply Room At Lunch.”

    • Perfect chump response, Nomar!

      What a great post. I’m reading this while on the day-before-a-colonoscopy diet. Trying to convince myself that apple juice and jello is a welcome feast , especially when compared to the bottle of buzzard piss that I need to ingest later today. CL’s description of how difficult her morning has become due to milk issues actually triggered my compassion. Good thing that part of me is now under control. My new approach is, sure sucks to be you, CL!

      • Ah, the colonoscopy diet. Almost as mouthwatering as the infidelity diet. BTDT this weekend to prep for The Big Probe yesterday morning. In fact, that is the reason that CL made me the blueberry shake, because I hadn’t eaten in two days but wasn’t really up for a meal.

        The lady is a saint.

        It’ll be her turn when she hits 50 in a few years and I will certainly return the milk-shakey favor.

        It’s true what they say: the buzzard piss martini prep is the worst part. Must worse than the actual procedure, of which you will likely have no memory at all. Michael Jackson was a creep but he wasn’t a dummy: Propofol is A-MA-ZING.

        Good luck, Ali Rose. You have nothing to fear; a colonoscopy is far less invasive than getting chumped. Here’s wishing you no polyps or internal hemorrhoids!

          • I remember being so mad at my ex after D-day because I had to hurry and schedule my colonoscopy before I got kicked off his insurance. It made me furious to have to go through a colonoscopy on top of moving out of my house and dealing with lawyers. My ex was a real pain in the ass, literally and figuratively.

        • Do you know the difference between a colonoscopy and getting chumped? One is an expensive and invasive procedure in which you are violated in the most sensitive way while you’re unaware of what’s going on by someone you trust and who has no regrets about their actions, and the other is a medical examination of your colon.

        • BTDT with respect to the colonoscopy. I had mine without the drugs so I could have a DRINK after the nice meal I ate afterwards.

          It’s not so bad, really. The imagination is worse than the experience. Having 4 feet of tubing rammed up your backside isn’t exactly painful (there are no nerve endings), but getting the tubing around the corners involves some twisting of the tubing (think about snaking in a drain). The sensation isn’t painful per se, but it’s not normal and pleasant. Feels like cramping, which I suppose it is, in its own way.

          The total time is about 15 minutes, which is less time than normal abdominal cramps would take to go away.

          The upside is that you can have alcohol, since you didn’t have any drugs. 🙂

          And the discomfort is short-term and finite–very unlike the pain from infidelity, which can follow you for a very, very long time.

          • kb – what are you? A masochist? Or, yanno – just want to live through the experience w/o drugs like Katy Couric and watch the whole procedure on a machine? My h did that and said it was fascinating, just cramping but he’d never do it again. I trust it sucks on the cramps so I’d rather have the MJ drugs instead, thank ya very much 🙂

        • Thanks all for the good wishes. Damn, that prep fluid tastes bad, but it doesn’t begin to compare to shit sandwiches.

        • Well, sure nice to hear from MrChumplady and the reason to run out of milk for a C prep is, indeed, nice of her, since she’s been complainingly mightily about it ever since. Yes – I’m also a Michael J drug fan of Proprofol – if you’ve ever had a bad reaction to a drug they used to use for this (I woke up after a Nazi guy made me shoot all my dogs and I was hysterical!) Anyway, the 24 hr diet isn’t bad and you don’t even lose weight on it (see milkshakes) The key is to throw some vodka in the drink as that doesn’t affect the results. Did I just say that? (btw – is there something wrong w/internal hemorrhoids??)

    • Ah the Amazon chumps angle. Nicely played.

      Bad breakfasts should never happen to good people! I try to keep pastries on hand, just in case. (Pretty impossible when you live with a teenage boy.)

  • The real problem here is your controlling husband who expects you to make blueberry milkshakes even when he KNOWS you won’t have any breakfast. What a dick, I would never treat you that way. If you just came to my house I’d be the one making you the special breakfast he deprived you of! Don’t you want to hang out in my much cozier bed while I wait on you? While I look at you adoringly and bring you anything you want? Then you would write the column because you would be so much happier with me than with that awful, selfish husband. Come away with me CL, the grass is greener over here…sez the AP…

    • He doesn’t appreciate her milkshakes the way I would.. .. my wife doesn’t make milkshakes anymore (aw), she had a horrible blender accident and can’t make any frozen drinks at all.. I’ve suffered long enough, I deserve a shake.

      • “she had a horrible blender accident”

        She must have been so careless! how can you be expected to support her through her frozen beverage challenges when she isn’t satisfying *your* needs? I am sure you’ve communicated openly and honestly about your grief, your sense of loss, your own struggle with her new circumstances. But if she won’t adapt and show some flexibility, what can you do? so many milkshakes waiting to be tasted…

  • Actually, you’re in a fog b/c you didn’t buy Windex. You can take your column and shove it!

    😉

  • I was eating my breakfast as I read your post. You are right, I am a very bad, selfish person. It is all my fault that you cannot write your column. I promise I will do better, and only put your needs ahead of my own from now on, if only you will still write your columns.

    NAH. Glad don’t dance that dance anymore! 😉

  • Oh no, don’t you remember our history Tracy? I am going to cry, I can’t even think, I must be careful you are surrounded by fog. Only it is making me trigger as I see fog around me too.

    Tracy, do you remember how each morning I would read your article? I would, I enjoyed your articles. My day was happier with them, I am sure that it made your day happier too.

    We have a history Tracy, in fact, you have it documented to the right, all the months you have been on here, it is all there for all to see, just like a marriage license or a marital picture of the day a couples vows are documented for a later date when the marriage is in hell, to look at, that documented event.

    Stop sleeping with those pillows of yours, remember how much you loved writing articles for me and everyone else in chump nation? Please don’t let us down Tracy, what will people on the web think? What will we do?

    Wake up Tracy, we have square breakfast food, you can stop eating that breakfast food and sleeping with those pillows, and your husband he is having you become a co dept milk shake maker which is making him the om to us.

    🙁

    You are picking your nose aren’t you, you don’t care anymore. We are the best readers of any site around, don’t let us down, we don’t know how to read unless we are here. We won’t be able to read again, I will throw my reading glasses away, I won’t go for eye exams, I will let my bangs cover my eyes.

    I am going to wait here until you write again, I can do this for a long time, I will stand for my right to only read here. I am standing for what was in this thread, what I saw, I will be true to you Tracy, I refuse to ever read again.

  • I will never look at a pillow or blueberry the same again.

    Please write Tracy.

    Remember how it was on your thread? Do you remember? I remember, all the readers remember.

    You can mend this thing you have for square breakfast things, try to remember, you can use soy milk you can mend and go on healthier, I will buy soy milk. I hate soy milk but I am standing for reading and if I am eating icky things, well it is for a good cause.

    To heck with everything.

    Do you remember you can write, you use to love to write, I remember, everyone remembers.

    Come out of the fog, we can have breakfast squares delivered to you if you do, and that om husband of yours, don’t look at him, he is making you make those blueberry milkshakes, look away, you can do this.

    I am going to make you a therapist appointment so they can talk about how you can’t stop turning away from the blueberries, that is what started this, the blueberries.

    There has to be a reason for this.

    Tracy, and if you get some blood tests, and if you take a lie detector test also then you can know why you think this way about blueberries.

      • Me too – Beach – you are hilarious! My stomach is hurting from laughing tonight. Talk about putting our true thoughts out there in a sarcastic frame-work. I call that Genius by the Mighty CL, with or w/o her milk and oatmeal kibbles.

  • I’m going to give you one week to come to your senses and write a column – well, maybe I’ll be give you two weeks or, OK, perhaps three weeks. Yes, three weeks tops and then you’ll see consequences.

    Yep – I’m going to show you my resolve and that this non-writing behavior is unacceptable.

    Unless, you tell me that you really do care enough to write a column and that writing a column is your deepest desire. If you can express that part of your heart, then I guess if you write a column sometime in the next six months I’ll know your intentions are pure and the world will be once again filled with your blogs!

    • Only 3 weeks Paula? No! RIC sites insist that you wait the obligatory 6-12 months! Don’t do anything rash in this upset state you’re in. Give it time. CL will come out of the fog; she will! Just be patient.

      • OMG head in hands, elbows on the table.
        I have never gone to a RIC site have no idea about them but have I ever played the ultimatum game. I lived this and the pick me dance for years. OMG light bulb!

  • I’m going to sit right here and not make a sound until CL comes to her senses and writes her column. I know she will. I’m not going to tell a soul what’s going on. Well, maybe the people at work might notice when I don’t show up for a few days and when I do I can’t keep it together and I’m shaking uncontrollably.

  • You guys are HILARIOUS! I’ll write a column tomorrow. Promise.

    Meanwhile… stand in place. 😉

    And you just “get over” today’s non-column, right? Say no more. I am not defined by my columns.

    • Although it is hard for me to forgive you for not writing a column today, I know you have already forgiven yourself. So it is entirely my bad for not forgiving you as well, the way I should. After all, if I cannot forgive you the way you have forgiven yourself, (and Jesus has also forgiven you!) how can we go on in this writer/reader relationship?

      • Jesus will forgive no matter how many columns she misses. But he won’t forgive you if you’re all judgy about it.

    • You “promise?” We’ve heard that before. What we’re looking for are actions, not words. Or wait, we are looking for your words…it’s all so confusing. It’s getting hazy in here…the fog is so thick I can’t see my hands on the keyboard…

    • I will wait. I know you did not mean to hurt us by not writing a column today. You simply fell out of love with us. The heart wants what the heart wants and your heart wants milk, fluffy pillows, duvets and oatmeal squares. I will give you an opportunity to mourn the milk, fluffly pillows, duvets and oatmeal squares. I will even hold your hand and cry with you while you recover and return to what you know you truly love – your column.

  • Haha love it. Guess what I got today chumpnation? A PROTECTIVE ORDER!!! Woohoo. Better than christmas I tell you. I am more relaxed than I’ve been in six months. I don’t even care that my X just cancelled our son’s medical insurance or that he retained a lawyer for $4000 to fight paying me $1200 in child support.
    Oh sweet PO,
    I love you so.
    I may be a chump,
    but I’ve been trying to dump
    that cheater
    and now life is so much sweeter
    With you around.
    So what if I’m broke and eating slops?
    I once was lost but now I’m found
    And if my cheater makes a sound
    I get to call the cops!

    Woohooooo!

    • I’m happy for you Rose. Be careful, I hope it works for you, report violations but make sure you have proof. And I know you meant “without you around” 🙂 without my PO I wouldn’t be sane so I know the relief you must feel.

      • …but make sure you have proof. Excellent advice, DDW!

        Rose, your neighbors, friends, and coworkers probably all carry cell phones with cameras. Make sure everyone on your side is prepared to snap a shot with the date and time recorded if your PO recipient should decide to violate. Let them know the make and model of his car. If you can get evidence of him violating this order, your life will be so much better. If it works in your state like in this state, as long as he’s violating the location specified in the order, it doesn’t matter if you’re there or not. He’s where he shouldn’t be, and most of these wackos can’t resist the urge to go somewhere that the authorities tell them they can’t. Those around you might be best prepared to have the where-with-all to take a picture in the moment.

        Congratulations on taking such a liberating step!

      • and when I say report violations, I mean ALL of them, don’t let him make you feel “petty” that was a fav of my ex. If your stbx is afraid of jail he will cross the lines very small and see if you let him. If you do, then he will keep crossing until the PO is useless. So don’t let him cross at all.

        • I have to say hell yeah to what Datdamwuf posted. Be a hard ass about any breach. I made the mistake of letting my ex bully me in the beginning and then the whole thing becomes meaningless. And the Police start asking things like, “Why did you let it get this far?” (not understanding the dynamic of abuse I was in).
          A bit of counselling and now I am badass with breaches. He barely sucks in breath after contacting me and the cops know about it.
          Keep your boundaries 🙂

  • Ok – this here is probably my favorite post. You chumplings are fucking hilarious. This needs to be tagged in the Inspire Me section. 🙂

  • Between Ashley, Runblekitty, nomar, ANR I was laughing all the way from Manhattan to Brooklyn today! On the A train, C train and F trains people were watching me scroll through my iphone and shriek.

    But you know….when I first read today’s “column” I thought “Oh my God, Tracy has lost it. The topic of cheating, porn, lying assholes has done her in, She is DONE.”

    I wonder CL if there is some truth to my first impression. Your wrote a book, you got it all out…are you moving to a state, I will term, “BEYOND MEH,” a place where you can no longer even pay attention to the topic of cheating and the destruction cheaters leave in their wake for even a second because you are too busy living life? I want to get there so badly.

    But please, please don’t get there before me…(how is that for co-dependency?)

    • Don’t worry. I’m not beyond “meh.” I’m meh, but I’m not meh about the fact that there isn’t any other place with a unicorn alternative. If the internet was full of support for leaving cheaters, instead of “affair proofing your marriage” sites — I wouldn’t feel the need to do this.

      But there isn’t. So I do. Besides, I wrote a book. There’s probably another book in me. Infidelity is a huge subject. This first one is just a field guide, a sort of What To Expect When You’ve Been Chumped sort of thing.

      Anyway, I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry. 🙂

      • Well, just Bravo. Your sincere dedication comes out clearly on this website and I am all for helping raise the marriage-morality bar on cheating. I think we all need to do this as sufferers of the pain and destruction of family units. It is a ~movement~ if you will, that I wish more people were aware of. (too many ppl hide the ugly details – not me) I used to read news on the internet all the time. Now, this is ALL I read – everything about the destruction of cheating within a healthy family unit. It’s SO awful. So destructive to our society – I just watched the Ted YouTube on the Effects of Pornography on the internet today.
        Really feel sorry for those kids pouring themselves into it at 10 yrs old.

        Looking forward to your Trilogy, Tracy!

      • Well, all I can say is I’m very grateful you created a home for us. I didn’t find a site that made sense till I came here.

        I didn’t want to reconcile with an asshole. I’m just glad you were here and have provided a place that like-minded chumps can heal and move forward.

        Bravery and empowerment! Wooo! Fuck that 180!

      • You are a Mitzvah Lady! A real tzadekes. And a harbinger for widespread internet conversation. In ten years every google search of “affair” or “betrayal” or “other woman” will lead not only to Chump Lady, but sites like “How to Leave Your Lying Asshole Spouse” or “You Found What?! How to Divorce without Saying a Word” or “How to Live the most Robust Life after D-day” or “Chump Lady Showed us the Way, Now We are Showing Others” How I wish! That would send another message entirely. Cheating would no longer be sexy and titillating, something people “understood” and rationalized—–standing up for yourself would!

        • I should add, the terms mitzvah and tzadekes are variously used. In many usages, to reinforce male dominance. I use the terms here to mean a person of indomitable character who uses her time to authentically and bravely help others learn, survive and thrive. A cultural force to always seriously reckon with.

          • Chumpectomy, You’re amazing! I’m learning so much from you. Keep up the great work–your wisdom & humility are invaluable. ((((hugs)))

            • Hugs received gratefully and back to you. When I am raging in my mind and feeling like my chest will implode, I remember the chumps who had to go through and post D-day getting threatened by cheater-sickos, fighting cancer and/or with their children living with sickening OW/OM and I think, oh my God what strength, I can surely survive this moment of rage.

              CL gets out of bed and writes her column about a topic most everyone else would rather ignore, blame shift onto chumps (like we don’t have enough fallout) and spackle away. What an Arichteger Mensch—A super good person. If not for reading this blog I would be sleeping with cheater again, speaking truth to stupid and humiliating myself in the process (yuck). NC is the best thing I have ever done. I am on my way to healing without the emotional and physical dialogue with cheater-dumbass and listening to my gut.

              Beach is so much funnier

  • Look here! All this fog stuff is crap. Get serious! Either you choose to write or you don’t. Don’t give us this nonsense. If I don’t see a well written thoughtful post tomorrow, I am done.
    Sigh, that felt great. Why can’t I bring myself to do that with my NH cheater/liar? I don’t believe there is fog. I am just trying to hang on and save my financial butt. Only a few months to go…

  • The core of who you are is a good person, Tracy. I know it but you just don’t see it right now. You’re too obsessed with the your oat squares and milk but you will see the light soon. I will wait patiently for your column. I believe in you. In the meantime, what can I do to help you write your column sooner? I just hired a maid to make sure you always have your milk – she’s calling now to ask if you want organic almond, rice, soy or flax milk? Are those oat squares perfect? Let me double check the box before you pour them. I’ll make sure those broken ones don’t find their way in your bowl. What’s that? You need a new MacBook? How many do you want? [Signed, the human pretzel]

  • Uniquelyme is having a seance and Chump Lady has a strong message: “Trust that Tracy sucks!” =-D

  • Just checking in today, I can’t seem to stop thinking of why you aren’t doing your column.

    I want you to know I exposed this to all my family and they are on my side, and I think they will find some way to tell that blueberry milksake persons family, so don’t worry, you will be saved we will find a reason you can’t come to your senses.

    You never were like this before.

    I am going nc on you now, that will wake you up, you will miss me nagging you and stop this.

  • Wait, nc is hard to do, I have to nag you out of being this way instead. I am stopping my life until you stop this.

    I hope you remember how you felt when you wrote articles before, there is a reason you can’t remember.

    (omg I said so many things like this to him, what on earth was I doing)

  • Me again, I made some iced tea and decided to send you a message reminding you to remember how much you used to love writing articles.

    What is he doing, is he asking for blueberry shakes? Please stop this, you have to stop this!

    I can’t go on I am sure I can’t.

    I am nc you now.

  • Me again, there could be children that are looking up to you Tracy. Think about that.

    I am going nc now, I am not going to contact you until you are ready to write articles, no backsliding here.

  • Tracy, I just have to say, please walk away from that blender. I read that some om they want all that the true om has and that is why he is taking you away from your true self. He wants you to become his milk shake maker, he doesn’t care how much all your readers put into this chump nation site, he just doesn’t care about you the way we do.

    The pillows, they are props, I bet he lets many writers crash on those pillows. What if you get lice? What if you are carrying lice now and pass it on?

  • Fog? No, my XW knew exactly what she was doing the whole time. She put me in a fog that’s just starting to burn off.

    • CW, before I found Chump Lady, I used to say the following to my girlfriend, that “I was nearly through the fog”!! Little did I know what I was saying at the time. It affects all Chumps. The fog caused by the betrayal, despair, heartache and so on it goes.

      • Well-said. Chump Lady has helped me immensely as well. It was around this time last year, about a month after I was dumped for the OM, that I was awake until I think 3 AM (tough to sleep in a blind rage) reading different web sites (kind of an online version of an Amazon chump). Around the time I was finally starting to fall asleep, there was at the end of some ridiculously long forum thread, there was a link to this site, and I’ve come here every day since. After wallowing for so long, in the last couple months I’ve begun to feel a bit better, and finally being OK with being single.

        Which leads me to…

        I need a some advice, fellow chumps – In what is a bit of a surprise for me, I’m actually going on a date next week and I’m really nervous about it. It’s my first after the divorce and first since I began dating my XW over 10 years ago. I was expecting it would take a lot longer for this to happen. I do think the date itself will go well (from talking with her, she seems really nice), but I think it’s this whole “great unknown” that is getting to me (I hope that makes sense). So, how did it feel for any of you when that first date after the divorce was coming up? It’s OK, right? Is this part of “fixing the picker”? Thanks in advance.

        • Well CW, I was married for 37 years and this Saturday I have been invited to have coffee by a lovely 65 year old chap who I have known casually for 4 years, so you can imagine how I feel !! The best advice I can give you is pretty much what I think personally for myself. Don’t expect anything special to happen. Just go along and enjoy the company and be yourself. If another date comes out of it, good. If not, it wasn’t meant to be and that is no reflection upon you, so don’t take it personally. All the very best and have a lovely and enjoyable time. Slow and steady wins the race. 🙂

        • I’ve been on one date from a dating site and I just thought of it as a chance to meet someone new rather than a date. That helped with the nerves. I liked the guy well enough but he wasn’t really compatible as a friend or romantically, we did enjoy conversation for a couple hours. Maree is right, just go without any expectations beyond having a good time. Have fun!

          • CW..I’ve been on several dates since my divorce because I’ve been single awhile. I never expect anything. I’ve found that expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments. I go be myself. I haven’t found love yet but I’ve made some friends. I’m a little bit snake bit in the love department and have been busy fixing my picker.

        • A friend of mine advised me- just think of them as ‘practice dates’, with only an expectation to have a little fun conversation, and learn how to be with someone again. That really helped me! If someone asks me out, I go, because I have a lot to learn after relating only to one guy for 35 years.
          Now, I’m seriously dating someone, and the stakes are higher. One thing I’ve done differently, is stop talking about my marriage. Or hell, even the idea of long term relationships! Way too triggery. We decided together, to keep it simple, and pleasant. It’s so nice to have someone to go to a show with, or hold hands with, just easy, and nice.
          Good luck!

          • “It’s so nice to have someone to go to a show with, or hold hands with, just easy, and nice”.
            ParryToo – This is what I think is very important. When it is easy and honest without the games, things can only get better.

            • Sorry, PattyToo. This computer likes to guess what I am trying to say. I should sack my proof reader!!

              • Many thanks for the advice. I feel a bit better about it now, although I talked to her tonight and even though I’m close to 40, I still have my share of nervousness. Kind of like a schoolboy, I think.

              • CW, just be yourself and also, never lose that youthful enthusiasm! Have a great time and be a gentleman! I am speaking like a mum now.

  • And Tracy, all you need to do is just tell me you want to write the column. I don’t care if you actually do it or even mean it. I just need to hear those sweet words and everything will be all right. I just know it.

  • You know chumps, Tracy still loves us. Just not in that “I want to write for you every day” kind of way. She just doesn’t see us in her future any more. But she’s not leaving our lives, we’ll still be able to have a relationship with her by buying her book on Amazon. Now … don’t go getting upset and remembering that without us chumps encouraging her, she wouldn’t have written the book in the first place. You’ve got to leave the past in the past. We’ll always have our memories. I mean, she’s on to bigger and better things now … don’t know you Julia Roberts will be starring as Tracy in the movie “Chump Nation?” I’m sure Tracy appreciates all we’ve done for her, but it’s over now. We can’t stand in the way of her sparkly future by expecting her to keep coming here every day writing columns. She’s so much bigger than that now! I’m sure she wishes us all well. There’s no hard feelings. She doesn’t hate us, or anything like that.

  • CL. NOT the FOG! My ex drifted through fog for about twenty eight years until he realized he just wasn’t married to the right woman. So glad he figured THAT out. I’d like to thank his racquetball partner for fucking a married man and then for giving him that ultimatum otherwise I’d still be married to that idiot (and trying to figure out why nothing made sense). Then I discovered your Blog. Well I have not had a bad day since. You see there are only sunny days here. Even on days I struggle. 🙂 Your Blog has been my daily fix and I can’t even tell you when I began reading it. But right away I knew I had discovered the truth. So, like many people hooked on Starbuck’s coffees (and others blueberry milkshakes…yuuuummmmmm) my fellow Chumps and I love reading your blog and crave our daily fix. However, If you DO need a day off please design and hang up a shingle. (Much like Peanuts’ Lucy, The doctor is out!) I do know we’ll do our best…Chumps always do. (Uh, yeah, we can always reread relevant posts too! Lol)

  • Tracy’s not gonna write cuz the pumpkin patch isn’t sincere enough. Come on Chump Nation be more sincere!

  • Hmm funny I thought I was getting over on the system by collecting unemployment for the first time in my life. Maybe I should just start a blog ,,,,, ,,,, just kidding CL just kidding 🙂 I think it’s just damn sweet you gave up that crappy cereal so the hubby could have a milk shake. But I have to question you bitching about it ,,, 😉

  • So, CL, are you trying to say that you love writing the columns, but you just aren’t IN LOVE with writing the columns anymore?

  • See we would never make you make us a milkshake, in fact, we never have. We have more fruit too, I am sure there are more varieties than blueberries.

    I have frozen mangos from trader joes and .. ok, blueberries, but also strawberries.

    Look at that milk, see he just doesn’t care if you clog your arteries like we care, we can offer healthier things for you to have. And, have you ever had sugar cinnamon on those square ceral things? See, you haven’t have you.

  • CL, are not in a fog, you just have humidity and of course you aren’t used to that in Texas…

  • I was wondering where I heard your title from and found . . .

    Fog

    The fog comes on little cat feet
    It sits looking
    Over harbor and city
    On silent haunts
    And then moves on

    Carl Sandburg

    So, here’s the answer, “the fog moves on.”

    God I hope so.

  • Oh Tracy, Thank you so much laughed so hard almost choked on my crumpet.

    What you have shared this morning has spoken right into where I am at at this very moment. I am pretty sure the X will be in a fog till the day he dies, And those who have taken over the managment of my X are happy for him to take all the time he needs for it to clear.
    Your last line outlines exactly what people surrounding my X are expecting of me in relation to my marriage.
    I cant wait to read what everyone else has posted today I can so do with some more laughter. Thank you sorry I cant lend you a carton of milk.

  • Hey there are all kinds of substitutes for milk. Almond milk. Coconut milk. Rice milk. Soy milk. I mean why limit yourself to Cow’s Milk!?! And it’s not like anyone has to know…. Heehe

  • Hey there are all kinds of substitutes for milk. Almond milk. Coconut milk. Rice milk. Soy milk. I mean why limit yourself to Cow’s Milk!?! And it’s not like anyone has to know…. Heehee.

    • And it seems like a new milk substitute keeps showing up, so the choices are endless. Yay, variety!

  • Love that we can laugh at ourselves. On a more serious note, I’m reading and re-reading our posts to remind myself what NOT to do in case I ever find myself in another relationship. It all seems ridiculous to me now but unfortunately, it wasn’t ridiculous back then when I was “standing” for my marriage (barf). I kept on upping my game (double barf).

    • This. Column is, as ever, insightful and witty. But in addition there is a trove of hard-won wisdom in the posts. Fog of denial – check! Amazon chump — check! Passive-aggressive 180 — check! ILcolumnsBINILWcolumns — check! skein-untangling — check, check, check! (I went far down the rabbit hole with that one.)

  • You know, CL, you promised to write a column every day for us. You promised to write it in sickness and in health, tired or not, fog or no fog, writing only for us, forsaking all others (sites). You NEVER said you didn’t like writing one. In fact, you even went so far as to write a BOOK for us! All the time you were really resentful of having to do something that apparently is SO HARD for you. All the time thinking we are a bunch of CHUMPS. AND you have been writing so well this whole time that we’ve been together, keeping us thinking you care so much about us, until just now. THEN YOU DIDN’T EVEN TELL US you’ve been feeling like this about writing for us. No, you just pulled the columns right out from under us. WHY, WHY, WHY????

  • My friend asked me how I was going today. I smiled cheerfully and said everything was fine, and you wrote a great column today, just like you always do.

    See how much I love you, CL? Even if you stop writing columns I will always cover for you. No-one will ever know.

  • I heard a rumor that Chumplady has given up writing columns about infidelity for her “true calling” of dressing up as “The Friendly Dancing Blueberry.” Making creepy and spastic B-52-wannabe music videos and motivational-speaking to empty rooms while wearing a huge, round, furry blueberry costume. “I have the true heart of a blueberry,” I heard she said, “and I can’t deprive the world of blueberry bliss any longer.”

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