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And the Bitch Cookie Goes to…!

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bitchcookieIn case you missed it, one of our intrepid chumps shared the term “bitch cookie” with Chump Nation and it took off. What’s a bitch cookie? It’s a tasty little reward you get for doing something you should do anyway, without reward.

Cheaters ask for bitch cookies all the time.

“Hey, okay I cheated — but I didn’t beat you.”

Bitch cookie.

“You should appreciate all the good things I DO do — I was faithful for, like, entire MONTHS.”

Bitch cookie.

And this one from my ex — “Hey, the affair(s) didn’t take that much TIME.” Like my biggest problem with his infidelities was time management.

Bitch cookie.

So chumps, what stupid shit did your cheater say that merits a bitch cookie? You only had three D-days, not four? They didn’t have sex with you on the same day they had sex with the affair partner? They kept cheating, but hey, they were NEVER going to divorce you!

Let’s award some bitch cookies.

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • After I kicked him out of the house – “you aren’t grateful of all I do to help you since I moved out. I unpacked the dishwasher”. This is when he was spending time at my home with his kids shortly after separation. 2 years on – the kids go to his house and my home is my fortress!!!

    If unpacking the dishwasher was meant to prove to me that he was a committed husband I should give a second chance to – I didn’t even notice.

    • Yes mine thought hanging out a load of washing made him husband of the year.
      That is about all he did and would boast about it to all who would listen.
      But he won’t want A cookie, he will want the whole freaking box. Narc

    • Mine, too! What is it with the dishwasher?

      And when I tried to show gratitude to him for getting up to go to a job he didn’t love, and pointed this out to the kids–you know, give him an actual bitch cookie? He snarled at me and said that I only saw him as a paycheck.

      Whatevs, bro.

      • I gave up the dishwasher years ago as STBX was vertically obsessed about how to load it. Really?! I gladly handed him the keys to the dishwasher loading castle

  • We did the whole MC thing just after BD.

    The therapist was grasping at straws and he said to my stbx ” say one nice thing about your wife”.

    Well, you could hear the crickets chirp for what seemed like eternity .

    He finally said ” she’s really good at keeping up with the laundry “!?!?!

    After 14 years of marriage that is the best he could do.

    Well this wife appliance stopped working 2 years ago.

    Glad I was good for something! Yup – have a Bitch Cookie 🙂

    • Lisah, a counselor gave us a similar assignment!

      We were given “homework”. Had a week to make a list of the top three things we loved about each other. He managed to come up with: 1) I always supported his fitness efforts/marathons/sports participation; 2) I was always very happy to see him when he walked in the door; 3) I’ve created a beautiful home.

      When it was time to discuss each other’s biggest flaws, his criticism of me was that I was not great at being on time.

      A decade together, and all I was to him was an Occasionally Tardy Cordial Hostess.

  • “yeah, I gave her money but I gave YOU all the rest.”
    “but I always came home at some point.”
    Minimizer: “she’s a poor woman with kids who’s husband (!) is a drug addict, I had to help her.”

  • “I don’t know what you are so upset about. I stayed with you longer than with any of the others!”

    • Yeah MFIM, mine said OW “is actually your best friend.” Why? I asked. “Because she told me to tell you about us [him and her].”

    • Mine said “I truly believe I was a better husband because I cheated.”
      and
      “All men cheat.”
      “I always came home.”
      “I never stopped loving you.”
      “It was JUST 4.”
      “I would just do my thing and come home.”
      “It was just sex.”
      “You are making a big deal about this.”
      The list goes on……

  • This is a comment I’m sure a lot of chumps have been told, ” I was keeping the affair secret because I didn’t want to hurt you.” Because, of course, as long as I didn’t find out about his 3 year affair his actions were perfectly ok!

    • I got something similar when I asked XH, who walked to work, why OW was driving him home and dropping him off on the side street the next house over.

      “Because I knew you would make you mad if you knew she was driving me home.”

      Not “I should stop because it would make you mad,” but “I should hide because it would make you mad.” Idiot!

    • Mine told me about the affair but at first wouldn’t tell me who it was with, because “I don’t want to destroy you.” She’d had no issue with my seeing him on a regular basis while she was having the affair.

    • It’s not because they didn’t want to hurt us. They are weak wimps (chicken shit pussies). PERIOD>

    • Yes, my XH told me the same thing. But then later when I accused him of being deceitful by hiding the affair from me, he said that he was honest with me about the affair, because he didn’t try to delete the history of Internet web pages he visited, which included sites for romantic getaways and restaurants, and knew that I would find this Internet history (and realize those getaways and restaurants weren’t for me), so he wasn’t trying to hide the affair.

    • Followed up in any order by:
      1. It didn’t mean anything;
      2. It was only lust;
      3. I was afraid to break it off;
      4. Family interjection: other aps in the wings- must have been getting bored with current AP.
      Seconds please.

      • Al those porno pics I whacked off to meant nothing to me, you are the one I love. You are all I need, I just can’t stop I’m addicted to masturbating to teen porn!! I never meant to hurt you, I LOOOOVVVVE you. Really.

        Oh and, what do you expect me to do?????? He’s my DAD…… After finally SEEING his pervert father run his hand over my breasts as he leaned down to hug me on FUCKING MOTHERS DAY!!!!
        Now’s that for a nice shit covered bitch cookie?????
        🙂

    • And many of us ate that cookie and had some milk with it. Oh gees I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by letting you know I want to and am fucking someone else and but for you finding out I would have never hurt your feelings. It may not have been the best cookie but apparently the cookie tasted good enough as many of us have stuck around to taste the next batch. I guess you didn’t mean to hurt me and gosh if I had not found out you would have continued to fuck other people behind my back, but at least I could have remained a chump, as I jump roped down the yellow brick road and over the rainbow. So yes, the you cheating on me must have been okay as we have eaten the cookie and we are still here to taste the next batch. As seasoned chumps, and my only request is that the next batch of cookies have sprinkles and unicorns.

  • I didn’t acknowledge her child as mine. Son is still my first born…. Blergh!
    FYI I didn’t know he had cheated let alone had a child till the child was 6!!!! My kids are younger.

    Bitch Cookie for not wanting your love child!

  • From STBX – before D’day in MC – I love you and what our marriage to work.
    three weeks later on D’day – Only the first one was an affair the rest were just oral sex.

    Or – when I told STBX or marriage was over – No its not, I have my issues to work through and you have your issues to work through. If our marriage is over that is on you. WTF

    Or
    From my ex minister – your husbands actions were just physical not intimate. Gee thanks

  • “I didn’t plan for this to happen.”

    Really? You didn’t coldly formulate a series of action items and then create an accompanying business plan including risk mitigation strategies before you fucked the cute guy from the gym?

    That makes me feel so much better. Thanks.

    I know now that you really are a good person. And so passionate! Please accept this bitch cookie.

    • I am not sure if this qualifies but whilst we were still married my now ex said “it is something that just happened. I know I can’t replace you but us being together is no longer an option. You are my soul mate and we can still be F buddies though”. This is from a male I have known for 45 years and gave my life to. The best part is I have replaced him with freedom and peace of mind.

    • Yes! I got: “I didnt see it coming.”. Right—that fake “Nick Jones” Facebook account just appeared on your computer screen when you turned it on one morning.

      • Yep! mine has a fake FB also and he called himself Tom Garcia! He must have thought
        very highly of himself. He is not even Hispanic! LOL The bitch even knew his FB was fake
        (she left a message on the phone about it). OOPS!!!

            • I like your username, freeatlast! I don’t think i will be feel free til i’m out of the marital home, and in one of my own.

          • far as I know his face book is still up and thriving. he keeps saying he wants to reconcile,
            but I think he just wants to get his ass back in the house. selfish sob. aren’t they all??

    • HA! My ex told me he didn’t mean for this to happen. then again, he forgot to mention the many other affairs I eventually found out about. I imagine he didn’t mean those to happen? Nope, but they didn’t mean anything.

    • Mine didn’t plan for it to happen, either! All of those daily hour and a half phone calls, the emails, the text messages for nine months leading up to their first passionate meeting? You know, the dedicated mission to woo and enchant her with all of his best sparkly efforts? EVERY day for hours for nine months?

      Quite unintentional! How did that happen? No one was more surprised than he!

  • Mine said he thought that him doing the ‘man chores’ around the house should have been good enough for me. WTF?

    • How about this Rumblekitty? “She was my first time (cheating). I can’t believe that you don’t BELIEVE ME!!”

      • How about: “I can’t believe you think I don’t love you!” Me: You bought her strawberries and chocolate for breakfast, you never did that for me. Him: “HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT????” Me: “you left the receipt in your recycling bin.” Him: bursts hysterically into sobbing tears, “WHAT I DID WAS WRONG AND YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT.” (yes, tears on command.)

        Have a chocolate covered, strawberry flavored, cream filled, flaming turd BITCH COOKIE YOU LYING NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE.

    • Same here, only “this is the only time this ever happened!” and now, 1 yr post DDay I’ve stumbled onto proof of multiple serial cheating including never having actually broken up with prior GF, during the first 8 years that cheater and I lived together in house we own together; GF from 2007-09 and who knows how many other phone sex, hookups, etc.

  • He said to me in a sad, sad voice “I tried to end it many, many times but AP was so happy…I just couldn’t hurt her that way!” But it was perfectly acceptable to him to completely devastate his wife and family. Big fat bitch cookie! Damn asshat : (

    • Oh that poor AP. Her happiness is in jeopardy… Wow….(insert face punch from giant, hiding mechanical fist here)

      • ha ha mine said to me “it wouldn’t be fair to all parties” for him to have sex with me after DDay (I was doing the pick me dance insanely and begged him for it) – yes, that’s right, it wouldn’t be “fair” to all parties meaning the OW !!! though it apparently was fair to me to fuck her for months secretly. Oh yeah also, when I kicked him out on DDay, upon being asked where he was now living, he said “Because it is a concession to me, that information is private.” Her house, in other words.

        • the bloody pompousness of him!

          how did you not smother him in the night with a pillow? or just whomp him with a frying pan?

          even bitch cookies are too good for this guy.

          • I kicked him out that night and he never slept anywhere near one of my pillows ever again LOL, andstillirise! Yes, pompous ass certainly describes him, the guy who “wished he could split himself in too so one of” him could be with me “and one with her” (tears in his wittle eyes, how sad! so sad!

          • Same sort of comment from my cheating wife when I asked her to remove him from her life forever. Her response. “I can’t be the mean” Are you fucking kidding me???? You destroyed our 18 yr marriage, Completely devastated our family (3 school age kids) and you are trying to tell me you can’t be that mean????

        • Mine said he withheld sex that last week before walking out the door because he needed to “stay true to the process”, whatever that meant. When I found a very very large amount of cash he’d left behind in an unfamiliar bank envelope (turns out he’d withdrawn so much that week he lost track of all the hidden bundles and forgot one… Big oops) my doc told me I was being tested for every STD known to man…. While I waited for the second round of tests (yeah…) I accidentally discovered he’ d been taking Valacyclovir for quite some time… Note to cheaters: try to keep track of where you hide your diverted funds so it doesn’t bite you in court later, and change from the pharmacy that you’ve always had your wife pick up your prescriptions from so the clerks don’t just assume like “business as usual” she is there to get the whole family’s meds and bring out your HSV2 anti- viral too…. Hope Mr True To The Process is enjoying a bitch cookie for the STD’s he DIDN’T pick up!

        • “wouldn’t be fair” and “private.” Fuck him. There has got to be a handbook for these guys. How do they come up with this shit? Ugh.

    • Ex told me that he had gotten up early and went to their workplace to break it off with her because he didn’t want what had happened to him, my (our) adult kids told him off, to happen to her. Damn KISA rides again…. KISA bitch cookie for him. I apparently was supposed to be proud of him cause he was being a “good” person. WTF

    • Two weeks after dday, my xh said it wasn’t fair to the OW if we stayed married. And he had only been with the other women for 3 or so weeks.

  • Its nice to see how lopsided relationships how chumps living off of starvation rations is oh so common.

    My fucktard wife wanted, after 8 years of being together in total (pre and post marriage) of TWO, count em, two whole good things she did for me. This was in response to me listing all the things I did for her, like cooking all her meals, fixing her car, fixing everything else, etc.

    Two whole things over 8 years. Wow! Want a cookie, bitch?

    After she was busted ofr cheating and I left the house, she would show me how she was finally going to start picking up some cooking duties.

    Wow! Do you want a cookie?

    She also informed me that the dead bedroom would be totally over and we would have sex on a regular basis.

    Holy shit, let me bake you a cookie, fucktard!

    Get the hell out of my life. There’s plenty of women out there who arent lying about $170,000 in student debt, who don’t complain when their husbands cook them breakfast in bed, who are turned on when their car breaks down, and their husband says “don’t worry, I got this, go back inside and watch some TV.”

      • She did. On the weekends, when I would cook myself a more elaborate breakfast, she would sleep in and I would cook her some and give it to her in bed.

        First I changed what i cooked because her desires changed from fruit and pancakes, omelettes, and then to these little breakfast sandwiches. Apparently, I was also pissing her off with this.

        Fuck you, cookie monster. My new girlfriend loves it.

        • Omg I hope there are is a guy like you in my life some day.
          Mothers day last year I was seriously ill, while Stbx was making his morning coffee the machine broke. He comes in from the garage with our camp coffee pot declaring it was OK old faithful to the resque. He then leaving the pot on the stove left for church taking our kids with him.
          Your x sounds like a selfish bitch.

          • I agree on all fronts. Pray to God there are other guys like Chumpster out there! And I think your STBX is a selfish bitch, too.

        • If you can work well with others in a kitchen, you are very highly desirable!

          I work great on a kitchen team, but STBX has no cooking skills. When he “helps,” he doesn’t want instruction, which means that he never gets better and constantly stays in the way.

          One of the top things on my list for any future partner is for the two of us to be able to work on a project as partners. STBX either takes over or leaves, and we have to do things his way or no way.

        • Geez. Please. If it doesn’t work out with your girlfriend, please keep me in mind. BUT SINCE I HAVE BOUNDARIES, I wish you love and happiness in your relationship in which I respect!

          Assband is sad he never cooked for his whore. He promised her he would but I had to go spoil all of that with my TIMETABLES AND UNREALISTIC DEMANDS OF MONOGAMY. And he is still sooooo very sad he used her for sex and never gave anything back to her. Other than his penis.

      • Mine complained when I kissed her when she got home and asked how her day was. Then she’d launch into a critique of the dinner I made.

        • OMG ANR! STBX went off one evening when I got home from work one evening and asked him how his day was. He was so angry about it! Apparently the fact that we asked each other how our days were when we saw each other in the evening was a perfect example of how boring and unsatisfying our lives were!

          Chump that I was, I spent the next few months driving home from work being anxious and wondering whether I should piss him off by asking how his day was, or piss him off by not asking how his day was. Instead of wondering what the hell I was doing with a man who was affronted by the most basic common courtesy and interest two married people show each other when they reunite at the end of the day. CHUMP!

          • Shortly before dday, my ex said something about how the how-was-your-day talking was boring… I didn’t get it, but now I guess it was just an indicator he was bored in general in his life, including me.

            • No, NorthernLight – it was an indicator he was getting fake sparkles from elsewhere and making the mistake of thinking it was real diamonds.

          • Rosie,
            I finally figured out why they flip out when u ask how their day is. My pos
            has had troubles at every job he has been in during the “cheating times”
            He has lost 3 jobs so far, and on probation for the one he currently has.
            I think they are soooo obsessed with instant messaging, facebook, skype,
            that co-workers and bosses notice. think about it- we all say on here how
            checked out the are around us, makes sense they would do the same at
            work, especially in a place when we are not around.

    • You had me at “don’t worry, I got this.” I don’t care what’s on the other end of that sentence. God knows I’ve said it enough myself.

      • Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do if some guy said, “Don’t worry, I got this.” Probably look over my shoulder to see who he was talking to…

        • “I wouldn’t know what to do if some guy said, “Don’t worry, I got this.” Probably look over my shoulder to see who he was talking to…”

          LOLOLOLOL!!!! For Real!! LIKE!!!!

        • “don’t worry, I got this.” What I wouldn’t have done to hear those words. “I don’t care what’s on the other end of that sentence.” The congregation replied, “AMEN!”

    • Chumpster, if I knew you in real life, I can think of some lovely, eligible ladies to fix you up with. You sound like a #winner!!!

  • The passion is gone from our marriage, but I still love you.

    I know this is hurtful, but that was not my intention.

    I know there is no one out there as good as you (but, hey, it’s sure fun to be out there sampling the wares).

    I’m flying to a resort to meet with the AP, but I’m using frequent flyer miles, and I’m staying with him so at least I’m not running up the credit card.

    I think these kinda qualify.

  • Oh, and “The guys I’m interested in and seeing are in their 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s. At least I’m not out there looking for a 60 year old guy” (like you).

    • Oh, dearest Chumpguy!

      My jaw is on the floor……

      Big hugs to you!!! And love of the ‘Nation’ flowing out to you!

      ForgeOn, Chumpguy…..

      • Yeah, me too. And no grown-up 50-60 year-old woman wants a guy in his 30s (and I should know, at 62. And I paid off all my student debt myself.)

        • Truthfully, have to chuckle at it all. I guess I’m supposed to feel better because it infers I’m a good provider, loving Dad, solid, dependable, overall good guy. Even decent looking and in pretty good shape. She just wants someone younger and hotter, not because I’m that bad; its just that she’s special and gorgeous, and hot, and because she can.

          She has said, “My sister is 46 and acts and looks as old as I am. I’m 58 and I look her age or younger, and I act like I’m 35.” What, me grow up?

          Such are the bitch cookies. All part of the diet that will help get us to Meh.

          • The Jackass’s MOW is one of those mid-forties women who act like they’re 25. It’s sad it didn’t work out for those two. Pitiful people.

    • I got: “the AP is my age, so at least not some young thing” he was so proud to have avoided at least one cliche, practically sitting up high and wagging his tail.

      • Mine was very pleased that his final OW was very, very young. Unfortunately she looks like a teenaged boy. Which is kind of weird, when I think about it.

        • OW in my case is 9 years older. 54, double mastectomy cancer survivor whose husband was 65 when she divorced him, and she traded down 20 years. First husband was a decade older, my husband was a decade younger. Her daddy was also 8 years younger than mommy (yes, I’m guilty of unraveling the skein.) No hips, no breasts, and anorexic. Her body type goes well with the craigslist circle jerks he also happened to like. Beard, anyone? I’m waiting for my Tuesday, the one that I suddenly get to MEH. This is all SUCH A WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME.

        • Nord, that is what my ex wants now also, girls who look like Asian teenage boys. Maybe he did all along. Instead he got me .. Miss Perfect!! 🙂 His loss.

      • Funny…the things that give a bit of satisfaction. My ex mofo left pictures, on his computer, of his bullshit. The gal he was seeing was a decade younger. But, she looked a decade older and she was a foot shorter. Ha ha.. he did say she wasn’t good looking. Like I should have felt better. Thanks MOFO! That sure helps with the cheating!

        He deserves sooooo many Bitch Cookies.

  • After going to couples counseling about 6 times (and a bunch of personal sessions over 3months) and me realizing that I deserved better and had to end this craziness, I told him I could never trust him again and I wanted a divorce…he still says I didn’t give our marriage a chance-that it could be better now that he had an affair! AYFKM? He honestly believes I am responsible for the divorce, having to sell the house, his major depression, him living with his mistress!!!

    My other favorite went something like this…you don’t need to get texted for STD’s-we only had sex a couple of times after I started fucking her…that’s why I had an affair, you didn’t want to have sex with me (and that I had gained 20#, and that I didn’t shower him with enough attention, etc.).

    • OMG. I got a version of that too. I asked whether he had used condoms and he looked shocked. “Of course not — she’s a nice girl!”

      • “Of course not, she’s a married woman, never did anything like this before”

        Yeah… duh! Got tested. One more humiliation.

      • I got that, too. “There’s really no need for that. There is NO way she was with anyone else but me. She isn’t like that.” I said, Yeah? But YOU are. She lives a few thousand miles away from you and you see her once or twice a month. You told me that you were “gently pushing her away” (so as not to traumatize her too much. He’s a compassionate fellow. I should be proud of his sensitivity.) And you were “encouraging her to go out and find someone new.” That was your story. So….you think she didn’t fuck somebody else when you weren’t around? I guess that “pushing her away” nonsense was a lie?

        About nine months before D Day I ended up in the ER with a RAGING UTI. After spending the day on IV, the doctor asked me if I was in a monogamous relationship. I assured him that I absolutely was. He tried to tell me that that particular kind of UTI was one they ordinarily considered an STD. I again assured him that, while I was sure he saw a whole lot of that, in MY situation, it was simply out of the question.

        How humiliating. And I didn’t even give it another thought. I actually had that kind of faith in the man. Puke.

        • My cheating ExWife (then wife) had a UTI, and she told me that the nurses asked her whether or not her husband (me!) could be having an affair to cause it, since it was the STD variety……she actually TOLD me that, and waited for an answer, even though I KNEW she cheated on me already, and we were in false re-con…..!

          Bitch cookie for the……you get the point..!

          How stupid we are sometimes………..

  • me: you had an affair.
    asshat: but I ended it before you found out. And it wasn’t physical.
    me: but you had a girlfriend while you were married and I didn’t know and I made decisions about my life that were based on lies. I would have chosen differently, asshat.
    asshat: but I broke up with her a few months ago to be with you. And it wasn’t physical.
    me: broken record here, but you had a married girlfriend while you were married…

    seriously – he wanted to be rewarded for having ended it before I found out. Noble, indeed.

    • Mine harped on too that the ‘affair’ was 8 years ago and only lasted a couple of weeks but he down played the multiple one off’s he had between the affair and D’day.

  • When going over his laundry list of non paid fuckbuddies:

    “Co-worker N: we did Everything but not sex”. (A couple of times)

    Bitch cookie

    Like his fingers, mouth, tongue, elbow or whatthefuckever in her non-vaginal orifices doesn’t count as sex because his penis didn’t enter into her vagina, just her mouth and maybe her rectum too.

    • Should just be orifices. He stuck lots of things in her holes. Somehow NOT putting his penis into her vagina, in his mind, means they did not have sex. And NO, I am not married to Bill Clinton.

      • Oh, I think that bitch cookie is the basis for Jackass’s vehement contention that he didn’t “step out” on me. (That’s his term. I prefer “Lie, cheat and keep secrets.”) He was never in a hurry to get to the actual intercourse part of a relationship; he liked texting, flirting, talking on the phone, meeting up for this or that. And the MOW posted something after D-Day about her not having any sex life (really classy for a married woman). So I have no problem believing it is possible that he didn’t have intercourse. But he did everything up to that point, I am sure. And he’s a big liar and so is she.

        • Ex told my daughter that he didn’t have an affair until after we had moved out of the house. I wonder what they were doing, Oh I know maybe they broke out their glitter pens and were writing “I heart skank” on each others notebooks. Bitch cookie for him holding back (not)!!

          • My ex told his daughters that as well.

            I think he’s almost convinced himself that’s how it went down.

            He had to convince himself of that otherwise he’d realize what a monster he is.

  • “Yeah, but guys hit on me ALL THE TIME…”

    XW wanted a bitch cookie for not boning every dude that paid attention to her.
    Wow, good job. This is a pass/fail test, sweetheart. Scoring a B+ in fidelity doesn’t quite cut it.

    Asshole.

    • Oh, that just earned a snort, I am sorry for the crap you have faced Scotty but B± that’s funny.

      • My STBX also wanted to be rewarded for all the ones he didn,t fck! He resisted them because he still loved me..as if the abscence of cheating deserved brownie points

        • So in Cheater World, the absence of green puke or orange-colored fecal matter is the equivalent of good health. WTF! It’s not what’s there, but what’s missing that makes all the difference? Do these Bozos even think about the crap that dribbles from their lips masquerading as coherent speech?

          Someone needs to create “Disordered Island” and ship all these cretins there. Quick! Da planes! Da planes!

    • Ooh, I forgot about this one. The H and I were having a discussion after I accused him of an affair with a colleague, and he told me how is is ALWAYS hit on and propositioned when traveling, at work ,etc. Claimed he never acted on it, even though given napkins with numbers, etc.
      Bitch cookie.

      Me, I think it you get hit on seriously enough to notice, you are sending out a vibe. I was never propositioned in 23 yrs.

      • Exactly this. Someone else said it today: Don’t. Act. Available.
        Next to impossible for these people – every cheater is an attention whore of some ilk.

        • That’s it exactly! DON’T ACT AVAILABLE! I managed doing just that during our 17 years together and never had a problem. Stbxh gets one complement from TwatWaffle and the next thing you know two marriages have been destroyed! Stbxh said to me “Don’t you know there are women out there who are just looking for a man to f**k them…whether the man is married or not!” Ummm…any woman of quality is NOT DOING THAT!! LOL…now stbxh is stuck with this sterling example morally bankrupt trash : (

          • I personally think it’s great when they get stuck with the piece of white trash that they thought was so wonderful! Just think, it won’t be long before she just can’t resist the next guy who drools her way! I’d give anything to see his face when he realizes he is being cheated on! I hope it hurts him deeply! Pay back is a b***h!

          • You know, Lovehonorcherish,
            That DON’T.ACT. AVAILABLE. works both ways!! when f tard tries to text and
            drown in his sorrows ( cause we know its always all about them) I DON’T.ACT.AVAILABLE!! Guess he can’t get ahold of one of his side bitches
            to play pity party, so I refuse to play. Then he goes into a text bombing rage
            about how I never cared. and I just giggle 🙂 “oh you’re losing your job?
            crickets..:oh you can’t catch a break, and in a downward spiral? crickets..
            sucks to be you asshole,

        • OMG, when we first got married mine always use to talk about how he had to put a copie of our marriage certificate on the wall near his desk to stop others from trying to pick him up.
          Don’t act avaliable, palm to forehead

  • My ex-wife was of the opinion that she should get credit for admitting up-front to having an affair, and that this isolated act of honesty trumped any complaints that might be made against her for, you know, having an affair.

  • “Guys do things because they feel guilty.” (“Things” referred to keeping an affair going so as not to upset the OW…apparently I was supposed to be sympathetic to this rationale).

    “If I keep choosing you, coming home to you, having sex with you, what’s the problem?”

      • Yes, because he may have told her he was going to divorce me to marry her, but he “obviously didn’t mean it!” He also wanted credit for downgrading his relationship with his affair partners to “just friends”. Uh huh, because THAT’S less hurtful for a chump to deal with (and never actually true). Bitch cookie.

      • WTF is with that? Yes. You have to keep putting your dick in her so she doesn’t cry. But you also admire her for HER INDEPENDENCE.

        Dear Asshole. Her neediness is NOT YOUR ASSET.

  • Forgot THIS one:

    Me: I have an appointment for STD testing because you fuck strangers without using condoms.

    Him: I don’t think you need to worry about LT MOW. She’s ” clean”.

    Me: WTF? You just told me your decade long , married fuckbuddy has not only had multiple affairs on her husband BUT she and her spouse engaged in”swinging”. Which means I have probably fucked half of LA county via three fucktards who cheat, screw for sport and most likely none of you assholes think about disease or protection!

    Me: Holy fuck! Based upon your timeline, I was also nursing our twins while you were fucking her and then fucking me…..

    Him: (crickets)

    • omg, i was nursing my daughter while he was screwing around…..

      i just realized it reading your comment.

    • I got pregnant shortly after the affair stopped (I think).
      Never got testers for STDs because I foolishly believed it was not an affair (yup, I am a Chump).

      When I finally found out 12 yrs later, words cannot express the horror I felt that my child might have been born with birth defects because I might have had an STD.

  • “Yeah but I go to work everyday!”

    He said this little nugget during one of our “why he is a cheating, lying asshole” conversations.

    As if him holding down a regular job was so awe inspiring that I should drop to my knees and praise Jesus for bringing me such a good man.

    Nevermind that he regularly skimmed money from his paycheck, and ran up huge tax debts from secretly dipping into his 401K from his job. Nah…don’t think about that, just give him a cookie for working like an adult.

    • Ugh. It’s typical cheater speak that they should somehow be rewarded for doing what any average, everyday adult does. Just blech.

    • God bless the 401K and 403B plans that require a spousal signature. Mine does. My exH’s (not the cheater) does not. I had the same tax problems with him. Drinkers are as hard on finances as cheaters, sorry to say.

  • When I first found out about the sexual affairs, I said to him “Why couldn’t have you just watched porn? That would have been a lot better than cheating on me!” His response? Sounding like a 5 year old whiny little boy not getting his way, he said “But I already tried that!”

    When asked how he could kiss, lick, fuck someone else and come home acting totally normal, then kiss me on the lips, kiss our children, and have sex with me later . ??? His response to defend was, “I washed really good in between”.

    Bitch cookies X 2 shoved way up his arse.

  • Not long after I found out about his current gf I found out about a previous affair partner. When I confronted him about this woman, he stated that they only slept together a few times and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. “This kind of thing happens all the time.” Bitch cookie.

  • Oh yeah and this one:

    Him: I told LT MOW that as soon as our affair hurt my family, I was going to end it.

    Me: (crickets this time. when does having an affair while committed to someone else EVER not hurt a family? The key word for asshat is family, which denotes the kids only and doesn’t include me, the wife.)

    Or this:

    Him: We often discussed ( asshat and LT MOW) how our affair was making it possible for me to be a better father to my kids.

    • Wait, he was going to wait UNTIL his affair hurt his family to end it? How about ending it BEFORE then? How about not starting it in the first place? Isn’t it amazing how they convince themselves and each other how admirably they’re behaving? It’s the weirdest.

  • Ugh. I think I was married to the Bitch Cookie Jar.

    “All the women at work want me; none of them can figure out why I married you. I always defend you, and tell them that you’re really smart, a great mom, and you love me.”

    “When people talk about how fat you are, I tell them that you’re a good person.”

    “I’ve never punched you in the face.”

    “You wanted kids – I let you have two…” (This from the guy who claimed to LOVE children and want a whole house-full.)

    “I bring home my check.” (yeah, but you pocket pay from a secret side job; lie about it; and set up one of your girlfriends in a posh condo with a car…while bitching all the time about how broke we are…and that was all my fault)

    “I pay child support when I can…” (This from the guy who’s made 6 partial payments in over six years – has paid about $2,000 and owes almost $100,000…all after taking me to court to be declared “indigent” – and then driving a new $80,000 car and buying a $400,000 house. What a giver.

    It’s no wonder I’m fat – I’ve been eating lots of cookies 🙂

  • Oh, another good one…

    “I don’t lie about the important stuff…”

    (like having multiple girlfriends the whole time we were married…but that’s not important…?)

  • Coming out of lurkdom…

    “I can’t help it women are attracted to me.”

    Stop. Acting. Available.

  • “I’m a great husband. I don’t beat you.”

    Well, yay for him. Bitch mother-effing-cookie. He’s a cop, so I guess he was comparing himself to all the low-lifes he arrests.

    • It’s all relative, isn’t it? The ow appeared in my h’s life when he was associating with low lifes in the business world – nothing illegal, rather scuzzy people who promised him the world. He got fucked over financially by his “best friend” right after dday. All of the sudden, my obsession w the timeline of events of my screwing-over made all kinds of sense as he retraced his business relationship. Both of us head in hands saying “how did i let this happen?!?! How was i so stupid and blind?!?” Lucky for him, no contact was as easy as a text and send.

      All this to say, when you run with dogs, you get fleas. But when all the dogs have them, you don’t feel gross and itchy, you feel like a part of the gang. His was a mangy gang indeed.

    • Oh, I got that one, too, Ducks.

      I was also informed that he cheated because I didn’t give him enough respect.

      Never mind bitch cookies, there is a bitch bakery on its way.

      • Yeah, the respect thing — I am STILL getting it. He did apologize in a letter for leaving the way he did — he said his head was messed up — “BUT, I wasn’t respected…..”

        We’ve got different definitions of respect apparently. His seems to mean that I should take every sneer and condescending wisecrack without complaint.

        Pleading you felt disrespected doesn’t cut it if you’re not acting respectable.

        • Bazinga, Chumpalicious, just indicates how disordered disordered can be.

          When I pointed out respect is a two way thing, he hung up on me, LOL. Except it is not funny, because that is what abusers say.

          But, hey, at least he didn’t hit me, right?!

          Bitch cookies, a baker’s dozen on their way via Karma Bus!

          • I know what ‘respect’ actually means to him now — as in getting respect from the OW:

            Being awestruck by whatever bullcrap comes out of his mouth as if it were high philosophical wisdom. (She’s 20 years younger and stupid — she’s probably not faking it like I would have to)

            Being available for hot sex at a moments notice, in positions and venues I wouldn’t cotton to.

            The world is being run by chauvinistic creeps like my ex. No wonder it’s such a mess.

            • Bitch cookies are easy to choke on.

              Mr Fab gets the sort of respect he thinks he deserves, and is welcome to it, kibbles and all.

              I have self-respect now. Way better for you, and tastier!

              hugs!

  • Wife said ” I got that Brazilian Wax for you too”

    How about a pube bitch cookie with sparkles on it babe.

      • Yeah, my cheating ex-wife believed it was an altruistic Brazilian Wax….lol..

        Well. I kicked her and her shaven vagina to the curb.

  • My two favorites:

    “Having sex with the other woman makes me want you more.”

    and

    “But I always came home to you!”

    • My husband actually called the OW one morning to thank her for the great sex he’d had the night before with me. Asshole.

  • After I found out, I was stupid enough to take his continuous lies ad believe his sincerity until I found his secret phone and him professing she was his everything, how he loved her, his early morning text “Good morning lover”, “Good morning princess”… this is how he used to reference me, he refers to as mommy. The best ones he said directly to me were I didn’t mean for it to go this far, I waited as long as I could and I just couldn’t walk away. I saved the best for last.. the room light up when she walks in..our daughter said its because she looks like a transvestite!

  • “She doesn’t hold a candle to you” (OK so why is she is your bed instead of your wife)

    “Why can’t I have a friend? I’m a sociable guy! I can’t help that she fell in love with me. Telling her no would disappoint her”

    “She asked to see the house so I thought it best to show her while you were out”

    “She liked the dress you were,wearing in that photo and wanted to try it on”

    “She was engaged to an abusive guy but didn’t want to marry him. I was just comforting her and we fell in love”

    • “She asked to see the house so I thought it best to show her while you were out!”….seriously?????!!!!! What a freakin brain thrust!!!!!! TRY YOUR DRESS ON??? Omg! Honestly, how did you not plunge a knife into his chest?

      • Kimmy,
        Actually, as I have described here previously, it was HE who actually attacked me with a knife, held it to my throat while screaming obscenities…because he was caught red handed…cheating. I was only saved by the swift response of a neighbour who called the police.

        Beware. Cheaters not only have sex on the side. Sometimes they have far more evil intent. This is why everyone should run like hell when they show you wha they are capable of.

        • “Beware. Cheaters not only have sex on the side. Sometimes they have far more evil intent. This is why everyone should run like hell when they show you wha they are capable of.”

          I so agree with this. I really think the cheating is a symptom of deeper fuckupedness. How else can they sleep with AP, then come home sleep with their spouse and not skip a beat? We call it lying, but it’s much more than that.

          I’m glad you were able to get away safely.

        • He attacked you b’cause he was caught red-handed. They hate to be found out, don’t they? Not a regular hate, but an all-out rage. My stbx made an audio recording online teaching women how to make their breast larger by massage, so they could be “smokin hot.” When I heard it I thought I was going to be sick. OMFG, who was he?

          Oh, back to the point, when I asked him what was going on (I was crying) he threatened to “take me out.” Take me out. Not out to dinner, but “out” in the way the mafia does it. God.

    • The OW wanted to try on your clothes??!!!!!

      I swear cheaters are space aliens that wear human suits. Who the hell does shit like that!?

    • Mine brought OW to our house while I was at work too. I only knew this because he cruelly volunteered this information to me on DDay. Later, he claimed it was appropriate because “dozens of times, Muse, whenever we argued you always threatened to move out!” (Never happened. Ever.) Bitch cookie!

      • OMG, I never thought about the possibility that the OW was in my closet… I may have to purge everything and start a new wardrobe.

        • Suz, when I horrifiedly asked him was she in our bedroom? he said yes, he gave her a tour of the whole house, and I asked “what did you talk about while you were standing in OUR bedroom??!!” he said, “Not much. She just said, ‘where are all the girlie things?'” — seemingly implying I am not very feminine?? or something. Funny, I’ve seen her picture and she looks like a moose, with an adams apple.

          • That comment always makes me want to fight–whether she said it or he made it up. I’d like to smack both of them upside their stupid heads.

  • On the night my ex coped to not only the man I suspected but also doing sexual things with MEN from bars, she followed that with “But that’s not why I am divorcing you.”

    • Yeah, this one sounds familiar. “Why do you keep insisting that my affair has anything to do with our divorce? Just because I said I was leaving you at the same time I told you I was having an affair does not mean they are related.”

  • Oh, WOW!!! The ‘Nation’ needs its own cookie company! Some seriously sick freaks out there! Too bad we were married to them!

    Here’s my (very mild) contribution to this thread:

    “At least I was home at night!”
    Isn’t that sorta what saying “I do” implies?! That you be home with your spouse?!

    He carried on with last MOW during the day because during the day, her kids (his great-niece & nephew, by the way—-yeah, he was banging his nephew’s wife!) were at daycare. So, daytime was the easiest / safest time to carry on at her place. Once evening came, kids were home…….

    “It was only one time!”

    —-referring to flying her out-of-state to meet him while he was working out-of–state. Stupid! It should have been ‘none time’! (—see reason above—-)

    Cookies all around!!!!!

    Forge on, Nation!!!!

  • “I only took her out to dinner once!”……..bitch cookie!

    “Your breasts are WAY better than hers!”……….bitch cookie!

  • I love how my vocabulary expands after reading this site!

    The closest I have to a bitch cookie is “I tried but it was very hard.” I think this means that he made great efforts to make the marriage work and it was impossible because I was too difficult. Oh, I just spotted a yellow-bellied bullshitter!

  • Mine bragged that he would never hit a woman and that if someone ever attacked me, he would kill them with his bare hands. Throwing breakable items across the room and screaming at me? Not breaking the rules, apparently. It was as if he learned relationship skills from nature documentaries,

  • After discovering his 17-year affair with the neighbor, which was imploded when she found out he had been cheating on her with the TwatWaffle from the church choir for the past two years:

    “But at least neither of them got pregnant!”

    Buddy, the Girl Scouts don’t have enough Bitch Cookies for you!

    • Wow – so it only came to light when he cheated on OW? It’s okay to cheat on YOU but not on HER? These people are all idiots!

      • Yup. Reading the bitchy emails flying back and forth between the two OWs was hysterical in retrospect, although at the time I wanted to vomit. First OW justified her behavior by claiming she “respected” me – idiot!

        On the plus side, it made it a no-brainer to toss his ass out without a backwards glance. No attempt at reconciliation possible.

    • “But at least neither of them got pregnant.”–Case of Thin Mints for this prince of a guy.

  • “I regret nothing about the affair besides having hurt you”

    “I just needed some time with each of you to consider my choices”

    “She is more needy than you. You will be fine going it alone”

    From the OW:

    “You were mean to talk him into stopping smoking”
    “you were a beotch to throw him out just because he cheated”
    “I enjoyed sleeping in your bed. It’s really comfy. Lucky you travel on business”
    “You looked so prim and proper in your photo. How dare you swear at me!”

    • LOL Marci, “I just needed some time with each of you to consider my choices” Mine said: “Don’t you BELIEVE that I still love you??!!! I did tell you that I wished there were two of me, so one could be with you and one with her!!”

      Have a big, double, cookie.

    • Yeah…….I heard…..”I just needed to get IT out of my system”! Yeaaaa…not sure that could really ever happen!!!!!

      “IT” is the selfishness you were born with fuckwad!

    • “I enjoyed sleeping in your bed. It’s really comfy. Lucky you travel on business”

      Please tell me you punched her in her cheating face when you said that!

  • Three memorable comments from the cheating ex-husband:
    1. Our marriage seems to have gone flat.
    2. I never planned to have an affair – one thing just led to another .
    3. The OW is a lovely lady – she never meant to hurt you.

    • Yes, they love to describe the OW in glowing terms. My OW was described as a fashionista until I actually laid eyes on the whale. Then I had the biggest laugh ever. She is massive…and the sick fuck pimps her out on adult work dot com.

  • He wouldn’t help me did a hole for a tree with his children because his time was “worth more than that.” He eventually did it alone but made sure we knew how degrading it was. Here, honey, the kids baked you a cookie.

    After I told him I wanted a divorce, he very half-heartedly kept telling me that all he really wanted was me. Um…here all the time and you’re still with someone else. Here’s your cookie.

    When in counseling and finding out about the affairs, money, prostitutes, etc., I dumped out a bottle of his high dollar shampoo while in the shower. The shampoo made me mad because it was one of the many items he had purchased to help him pick up women. It was cathartic. It was the topic of an entire counseling session because I was petty and mean and out to get him. I had “destroyed a present given to him by his parents.” It was the act of a violent and angry woman. He didn’t know how he would forgive me. Would this cookie help?

    I had just found out about the prostitutes and was devastated. I was taking the children to my sisters for Spring Break. I asked him not to come with us. He agreed. Then he bought himself a whole box bitch cookies in the form of a first class trip to Norway.

    During conversation above about vacation, I told him my sister knew everything and would probably kick him in the balls if she saw him right now. Later, he claimed that my sister had “threatened him with physical violence.” She’s 5’1″, has never hit anyone, never treated him with anything but love and kindness, and looked up to him like a big brother. You poor thing! Have a cookie.

    During divorce turned on the sad eyes, and said, “Are you sure you want to do this? I’m really a good guy. Everyone else thinks so.” Does that include the woman you are sleeping with now? Yeah, you’re great, but you’d better duck, ’cause here comes a cookie.

    Sent me an email recently about how miserable he is, how he regrets the mistakes he made, and said he is “exiled” to country where he works, for his transgressions. They wait on him hand and foot in this place of exile. He even has a driver. I was a good wife and he should have appreciated me while he “had” me. I guess whoever does him laundry is not really keeping up with it to his liking. Not once in this email did he reference the pain he had caused me and the children or wonder how we were doing. Sending you a box of cookies.

    I could go on and on…

  • I couldn’t think of a bitch cookie so I went to my journal since d-day nine months ago to see if I could find a juicy one. I read and read and read. And now I’m fucking depressed. Remind me not to do that again.

    I don’t have a bitch cookie.

    • You made it through all that pain and you are here, better than ever. That’s more important than a bitch cookie!

    • When I read back all my journals, I went into major depression… I burned them all, can’t go back to them anymore.

      • As soon as my divorce is finalized I plan to burn every card, letter and gift (those that can’t be sold at least) that stbxh gave me during the year of false R. Not only does it make my skin crawl to realize what a sick, twisted, manipulative liar he is…but when I look at those things I absolutely cringe in shame and humiliation! I can’t believe I tried to save a marriage to a man who, for all intents and purposes, tortured me emotionally for a year without batting an eyelash. I truly believe that had I not made the move to divorce, stbxh would have gone on quite happily being married to me and lying right to my face about the AP. In fact, I know it!! He didn’t have the balls to tell me he was still involved…SHE did that! He didn’t have the balls to file for divorce either…I did that!! What a weak, selfish coward he turned out to be : (

    • It’s ok ML. I only one or two minor ones (It was only once, etc).

      My exH is just a run of the mill cheater.

    • ML, Forget the bitch cookie, I’m giving you a REAL cookie. they taste waaaaay better than the shitty one you’d give your fuckwad partner 🙂

    • Yeah, I don’t want to re-read those journals from the worst months. (I went through numerous journals and pens in those first months.) I will save them, but I don’t plan to re-reading them any time soon. If ever.

  • Re: compulsive lying “But I only lie about my relationships with women ….”

    About adult dating site profiles: “But I never participated…” Me: Having a profile with all of your info is participating. Him: “But I never communicated …” Me: What about the craigslist exchanges? Him: “But I never met up ….”

    Re: Multiple affairs .. ” It should give you some comfort that there was not very frequent encounters” Yet he still chose to omit some of the interludes in his disclosure so as to get the bitch cookie for the infrequency favor.

    Re: The OW. “These were ALL women from my past – I would never had started anything up with a soccer mom or a neighbor, etc.” Not sure why this somehow lessens the betrayal, and still doesn’t apply to the profiles on match, mate1, ashley madison and overweightdate, but whatever.

    Re: The afternoon of a particular encounter at a rest stop with the wife of his college roomate: “I emailed her that evening (while I was cooking and caring for my daughter after a full day’s work) that the encounter had made me feel dirty.” Of course that affair, and the other two he was having that apparently did not require a similar hair shirt initiative, continued.

    And this deserves a prize, I think — As to the repeated episodes of unprotected sex with the women he had twice impregnated due to her alleged trickery: “How could you not use protection?” Him: “She told me not to worry, that she was “safe.” I suppose He deserves a big bitch cookie for proceeding only after receiving this sterling assurance.

    • Big bitch cookie for not having an affair with a neighbor. Just the wife of his college roommate.

      • Oh god! Forgot that one too(adult websites and profiles)

        Me: You have a profile on Adult Friend Finders. Tell me about the number of people you have hooked up with using that site.

        Him: That site is a rip off! It’s supposed to be free, but they hook you and they STILL charge you a fee to see your matches!

        Me: (crickets)

        Him: The other sites (probably Ashley Madison types, Match.com) require an immediate membership fee before you can even make a profile!

        ======

        Wow.

  • After confronting him about the Victoria’s Secret invoice I found where he bought lingerie for OW: “It wasn’t lingerie. It was underwear.”

    Because giving underwear to someone in your employ is more acceptable than giving lingerie? What am I missing here?

    Bitch cookie!

    • This boggles my mind. Like you are supposed to be OK with him buying underwear for another woman? Sheesh.

      • Well, theoretically, there could be a situation where his employee got her period unexpectedly, and he, angel that he is, hastily bought her a fiver pack of new boring cotton underpants at some supermarket, so that she would not have to walk around in bloody underpants. Just theoretically.

        Victoria’s Secret on the other hand … they don’t sell decent, respectable “underwear”. I would know, for I only wear cotton underwear, and I never saw anything I would wear in the Victoria’s Secret ads.

  • “What I did was wrong and you didn’t deserve it but I am reading everything you write and listening to everything you say.”

    What a great guy! Then he also complained that I was “biting the hand that reached out” to me by being angry at him and not appreciating how nicely he was handling his betrayal of me.

    Bitch Cookie!

  • “She wouldn’t take no for an answer.” With a straight face. Well let’s get you to the hospital for a rape kit, bucko.

  • “What do you mean I never cared about you? Didn’t I get up and drive you to the train in the morning?” Well, gee, thanks for waking up and driving 5 minutes so that I could get to work every day. You wouldn’t have gotten up and gone to your own job if I didn’t need to go to work? Have a bitch cookie.

    “It wasn’t like the last time with the other woman – she wasn’t calling me trying to get me to cheat on you.”

    Well, I guess that makes it all okay then. Why exactly was she calling you since she made it quite clear that she wanted to have an affair and get you to leave me 20 years ago? She suddenly got a hankering to do a well-being check? I’ll give both of you a bitch cookie.

    “I wasn’t going out every night like a lot of men. I was home with you most of the time.”

    Woo-Hoo! You were home with me looking at porn and texting your Ho, but hey, take a bitch cookie. You earned it.

    “I really like you. I don’t want us not to be able to be friends. I would hate to have to stop talking to you.”

    Oooh! Lucky me! A friend who loves me enough to lie, cheat, steal, gaslight, blameshift and stab me in the back, but who doesn’t want to “have to stop” talking to me. Well, damn! I’m scared. Have a bitch cookie.

      • OMG, Chump Princess, I received that same ‘excuse’: “What I did wasn’t so wrong.”

        And…” A lot of guys stay out all night, drinking, doing drugs, and cheating.”

        And how exactly did he know that? NO cookie for you!

  • Where to start, he did tell me how lucky I was he didn’t beat me and hang out in bars. He equated making my lunches with giving me affection, and love. He once compared his cheating to my not folding his underwear the way he likes. He told me hadn’t cheated on me in ten years…I did the math and in our 20 year marriage he was faithful about 40% of the time, is that a good thing? He told me he didn’t tell me about the romantic cruise he took with an old flame right before our 20 year anniversary was because he didn’t want to hurt me. He rationalized each and every affair to me one day as me not being open enough with him “well they were open and you are not.” Like I can be open with a lying cheat. When I asked him how I could be sure he wouldn’t cheat again he told me “you know how to do that.” Meaning, it was up to me to keep him happy enough so he doens’t cheat and the ultimate cookie, moments after I found out about the newest betrayal and my world was spinning out from under me, he said (in front of our teenage son) “well, I told you to be nicer to me. I warned you.” Yes he did warn me one night as I cleaned up the dinner dishes and months after he had already started on online EA with his old flame, he said “You need to be nicer to me for the next few months.” What he didn’t say was, I met up with my old GF on facebook and I am planning a romantic vacation with her, so you should be nice to the lying, selfish jerk that I am, so I don’t leave you. Oh, one more, I was in grad school when he started his affair so one more of his excuses for cheating, “you didn’t have to make all A’s.” Implying my school work caused his affair.

  • Mr Fab (according to FB evidence) bought two bottles of vodka and screwed the Downgrade in the living room while I was away working and DD was asleep (I really effing hope asleep) down the hall.

    When confornted, Mr Fab said, “I only did that ONCE.”

    Perhaps not quite a bitch cookie. Here is another:

    “Well, at least I didn’t give you syphilis”

    Thanks for the LOLs, Chump Nation!

    x-Meh

  • “If it wouldn’t have been for all the stuff I did while you were going through cancer treatment…your focus would have been on you instead of me. See…I saved your life”

    MOFO! And, huge BITCH COOKIE

    • Annie, I thought I was getting use to how low and self serving these assholes can be but your post has just floored me..
      I pray you are in good health and the karma bus runs his ass over.

      • Sammy D
        Yup. It took four years and a crap load of bullshit to finally leave his pathetic, small, piece of shit self. However, I am healthy and living a stress free life. He is a lonely old ass face living the same sad and lonely life he deserves! I’m sure that pisses him off that I survived.

      • This is something that everyone living with a fucking loser should think very carefully about. If you ever become ill, they don’t just magically change who they are to take care of you. No freakin way! You become an even bigger target because now you are weaker than ever. If the person you are with abuses you or mistreats you in any way…get out!!! Your life truly depends on it. There is no way of growing old…healthfully..with a narcissist.

        • Thanks Annie. This is very good advice. I always knew this was true about my XH. I was his caretaker for a year during our marriage and I took good care of him and he’d tell you that but I always knew deep down that if the tables were turned he’d suck at it. If I so much as got a headache he would get so annoyed and snap at me to ‘take some kind of pill’…… pretty much telling me to shut the fuck up. Immediately.Shut.The.Fuck.Up! He never wanted to hear one thing that I was going through. Then he cheated and ran off with Mud Face. Lucky her.
          Did I mention how much he drinks?

              • The creep I was involved with was and still is a very active boozer. He really enjoyed flushing down the beers following that with sticking his dirty dong into some real fugly looking women. Good times for them. What is it with these drunken barfly cheaters. I really believe they just wait around for some desperate women to get wasted so they can have their creepy way with them. The two seem to go together – boozing and bad judgement with their dongs. My advice for anyone is to stay away from any person that “belongs” to a particular bar. Big. Red. Flag.

  • I’m sure many of you have this one, whether out of EA, or missed opportunity. “At least I didn’t stick my dick in her”

    Can anyone say — BITCH COOKIE BITCH COOKIE BITCH COOKIE!!!

  • Me: Have you slept with any of my friends?
    Asshat: No that’s a sure way to get caught.
    Bitch cookie

  • My STBX is a master of whining for bitch cookies. Even though he is home all day while I work for a living, I better notice any little thing he does around the house “to help me”. Because of course all the responsibility is mine. I am supposed to praise him when he does the dishes, but oh yeah, at the same time he stopped taking out the trash.
    Not exactly a win for me.

    Some of his best ones:
    “I even defended you when Sally called you an ugly bitch.”
    “I’ll stop seeing OW if you buy me a new bicycle.”

  • I finally decided to file for divorce after many years of deceptions. My husband used to tell me: “If you are not happy, you know what do you, get a divorce and finish with it!” I did file, we are negotiating and are finally in the conclusion of procedures. And guess what he says now: “I never wanted to divorce, I am not ready now… If i sign the paper it will be over and you can find somebody else.”

    • “If i sign the paper it will be over and you can find someone else.”

      PROMISE? Yes, gladly…let it be over and I welcome finding some else!!! Where’s the dotted line?!?!

  • Here is another- (there are so many he sends by text) “I cry everyday I miss your hugs
    and kisses” Well here is the whole bag of bitch cookies.

    • Oh yeah, the ex told me that he “missed our naked bodies together”.
      Can we still be friends and have sex, huh, can we, huh?
      Here, go get naked with this box of bitch cookies.

  • Mine said that the first time he had sex with her , because she had suddenly lost about 70 lbs in about 4 months that he was really grossed out by all her hanging skin and had a hard time getting hard!
    WTF? So that was so wonderful you had to continue on for the next six months before I found out and then continue on after too?
    He also said ” She doesn’t have anyone in the world not even one friend and that’s all she really needs is just a friend.”
    WTF? Did he even stop to consider that if a 50 yr old woman doesn’t have any friends at all there might be a reason for that? Perhaps she is so rotten that people just can’t tolerate her or they might bleed to death from all the back stab wounds?
    And then he said after D-day in an attempt to console me ” Well at least you know I only cheated on you with somebody I really loved”.
    WTF? They makes it all the worse in my book!

  • my STBX husband said he cheated on me because I didn’t thank him for the two times he emptied the dishwasher!

  • Said to me by a friend:
    I thought you knew about the affair because you confronted him at my house.
    Bitch cookie.

    It was denied, of course, and I am a chump……
    Still torn about this friend. I should have been told as soon as he knew…..

  • First time he admitted he was fucking men, he insisted he only did hand jobs, nothing further. Like that made it better or something. Of course, he was lying anyway, he did EVERYTHING there is to do with other guys.

    After divorce, he refused to pay half of our son’s braces, even though this was part of the divorce agreement. Said that the fact that he picked up son for visitation, then brought him back home after their dinners together counted as his half of the braces. He lived ONE MILE away from my apartment.

  • Oh yeah he told me that he loved me and was still in love with me and that he would never “trade me in for her” and that I was 10 times the woman she was but that he was not willing to give her up and then proceeded to spend the entire day of our wedding anniversary with her and wouldn’t answer his phone when I tried to find out what was up and why was he gone all day? When he finally came home he said ” Well I thought that you wanted to spend the day sleeping because you haven’t been doing much of that lately? Of course not! How does one sleep at all after d_day for a while!?
    He also told me that she was just the sweetest person in the world …this after he tried to break up with her once and she sent him text msgs saying things like she was going to fuck up everything he loved and that she would torture his loved ones because he doesn’t just get to walk away. Only she gets to say when he can walk away ……and then proceeds to call me names and say that our daughter is a big fat brat…When she is nothing of the sort. WTF? Whenever he would say stupid stuff like that and I would remind him of the BS she has pulled against him and me, he gets kinda amazed that he would forget and then acknowledge that she did but it somehow didn’t seem to bother him or it just didn’t register he got a far away look on his face ……it was weird!

  • ML,
    try not to feel depressed by reading your journal. Lot’s of us on here have one.
    Instead when you go back and read, see the good things that justified you staying
    in the relationship and trying to make things work, and see the things that justify where
    you are now. You made good decisions all the way around, and there is really nothing
    you can do about the choices he made. His choices=his problems to deal with.

    HUGS!!!

  • “I ran into her in a local bar when she was out with friends. She was drunk, so I saw her home safely in a cab. Just because she claims I stayed the night doesn’t mean I did. I was just trying to be a good friend” — bitch cookie for the orgasms she thanked you for the following day in an email…

    “Yes I subsequently asked her out to dinner to make sure she knew I wasn’t just using her the night she was drunk” — if they didn’t have sex then why would she think he had used her?

    “She is so needy and keeps threatening suicide if I don’t see her” bingo! Natural selection!
    Sorry if it sounds cruel, but why not call the men in the white coats instead of letting her rape you.

    “She has nothing but debt. She needs your understanding and my support. But I need to live with you in the meantime”. [cheater gets pushed out door and locks changed]. No cookie for him.

  • When asked, during the gaslighting phase, why he suddenly was spending less time with me: “I don’t feel appreciated.” This while he was in the middle of the FB affair with MOW and spending several thousand dollars I had put in his business account.

    “I really did feel bad when you cat died.” Just not enough to call or come to the house to comfort me.

    My birthday fell at the worst of the gaslighting phase. I had asked him if he intended to spend any time with me, and he showed up in time to take me for hamburgers and to a movie. He didn’t bring a gift, but came in waving the birthday cards around, awkward as an adolescent. The day after D-Day, I asked why he had carried out the farce around my birthday he said, “I came over, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t care.”

    Little bitch cookies.

    • I have a friend who’s husband took her for their 25th anniversary to Vegas. Later she found out he was texting the OW the whole time they were there. When she asked him why he carried out such a farce he said “because I wanted to give you the full 25 years.” Bitch cookie with chocolate chips.

    • i think it is funny when someone on here says “gaslighting phase” I don’t think
      my shit bag will EVER stop gaslighting, can someone give me a match? Gas and shit
      might make one hell of an explosive! LOL

  • Haha, wow, I didn’t expect Bitch Cookie to take off so well XD. I’ll have to inform my friends about how our little phrase has grown popular.

    Reading these comments here, jeebuz the mental gymnastics these losers tried to use. Wtf? You have to wonder how these cheaters thought things were going to go after they said these dumbshit things. “I cheated, but I emptied the dishwasher that one time!” OH, well, that changes everything, don’t worry about it! “I banged her at the office, but I picked the kids up from school that one time!” Oh, yeah, that’s right! Well, that’s ok then.

    -_-

  • “She’s my friend, I give her a ride every morning”

    Cookie

    “The sex I have had with them since day 1 with you means nothing – it never has”

    Cookie Cake!

  • When confessing to all the places they went and the things they did, he said “But I NEVER went inside her apartment.”
    Well, that’s a relief. Here’s a bitch cookie.

  • This is how ex explained the threesomes he had with his two married OWs: “They both kept coming on to me, and wanted to have sex with me. I figured if I told them the only way I would sleep with them is if we had a threesome together, they would say forget it, and stop bothering me.”

    Yeah, I guess just telling them NO was so far-fetched it didn’t even occur to him. He should choke on bitch cookies.

  • “Her husband treats her so poorly”…….bitch cookie. Omg! Really? The poor thing! Does her husband cheat on her? Well…..No! Hmph!

    “Her husband is so controlling”……But, she travels 5 hours away to see you whenever she wants? Somehow, I think he doesn’t control her enough.

    “She tried to commit suicide, I just feel so bad for her”……bitch cookie.

    • Him: “Her boyfriend is mean to her and tells her to shut up”
      Me: “You tell me to shut up!”
      He gets a box of bitch cookies for that one.

  • In counseling I told the MC how hurt I was that he didn’t just leave. I’d told him how much the affair of one of my parents had hurt our family. It was a truly horrible time in my childhood. I’d told him from the beginning that all I asked of him was honesty, and that he tell me or leave me if he was thinking of having an affair, so I wouldn’t have to relive what had happened to me as a child. I also didn’t want to inflict that pain on my own children. He KNEW how much it would hurt me. When I said this he threw his hands over his face and cried out with anguish,”THAT’S why I couldn’t tell you!!! I didn’t want to hurt you!” MC looked so sorry for him! No, Dickface, that’s why you don’t cheat. Being sick is why you don’t tell, and do it over and over again. Wanted to hand them both a cookie.

    • my f tard wants me to go to a session with him, even tho I already have my own
      counselor. i agreed to one. and I will be taking cookies with me to give to both of them
      when I hear some bullshit!

      • Well, that should be fun! Mine refused to see the one who called him on his BS. The one he picked was horrendous. She supported every excuse he could think of, including “I forgot about those prostitutes. I think I blocked it out.” Stand up for yourself sodone! It will be useless if you come out of it feeling even more run over, like I did.

    • Wow! I had gone through a similar situation after my parents divorce and My mother got involved with a married man who was a creep! It cememted for me that cheating should never ever be! No one ever wins and everyone gets scarred. not just the chumps, not just the cheaters, not just the APs….the kids get the worst of it I think. I know long before we ever got married we had many discussions about how if either of us ever started to think we wanted something else we would end it with each other first because that was the only way to be respectful and to move on with out baggage. Did he even try to end it with me? no….he tried to maintain cake as long as he could! He totally put me through the humiliation and disrespect when he knew how strongly I felt too! I wonder if somehow I am just repeating history from another angle…my mother obviously didn’t have enough self respect to not get involved with a married guy so I wonder did I SOMEHOW SUBCONSCIOUSLY pick a guy that would ultimately cheat to try to make some kind of balance?

      • Leave that shit behind…it’s not you nor your pedigree. It’s his lack of integrity in keeping an agreement…even an explicit agreement to be forthright about ‘calling it’ when things were over. You covered your bases knowing it was a venerability you didn’t want exposed.

        So sorry you suffered exactly what you feared would happen.

      • My Mom had an affair with my best friends father. Who was my Dad’s best friend. We all lost some of the people closest to us, and everybody in our small town knew what was going on. It was painful and humiliating. That is the short version. My Ex knew the long version and everything that went with it. I don’t think you picked him for being a cheater subconsciously or otherwise. I sure didn’t. I do think childhood scars can sometimes lower our self-esteem and cause us to make choices based in fear. Don’t beat yourself up. Who could do that to someone they claim to love?? I avoided doing things that I knew would hurt him.

        • Thanks you guys are so right! I really never thought in a million years that he would do this to me! I was so careful my whole life! Didn’t even get married until I was 40 years old and thought I found the right one because he truly loved me. I had even broken off two previous engagements because I just didn’t feel things were right…one guy wanted a mommy and the other was plain psycho! He had been married before for 20 years and his marriage was long over before we got involved or I would never have even considered him. I have always felt insulted whenever a married man made any suggestion or propositioned me and I always let them know it! But my husband ….I really felt things were right with him, not really sparkly but right and comfortable like being at home……I know his ex wife and she is a decent person they just wanted different things in life and she is very open about this. When I was going through that crap with my mother I became a very belligerent adolescent and was quite vocal about everything. I, in my black and white preteen world thought that the married man had brainwashed my mother. I couldn’t understand why she put up with his crap! I did some very basic investigating and had discovered that the married man was also carrying on with other women! UHG! I went and talked to them and confirmed it…..I guess this is why it hurts so much and I feel devastated on top of the betrayal it is like a double betrayal!

          • That’s just an example of how sick some of these people are. Mine got an intimate and thorough education from me on what cheating can do to the children involved. But he did it anyway, and hurt his own children without blinking an eye. I don’t know what he tells himself about that, if anything. Probably just that they will be OK because they have Super Dad, not just some ordinary cheating- bastard Dad.

    • DoneNow: my exH said the same thing; 6 months of MC after I accused him of an affair, he denied it…… Years later confessed. He “did not want to hurt me”
      Barf. He was a lying, lazy, selfish, coward.

  • “We always put our families first”…. Not sure how a blow job in our car at the park is “putting out families first” but that’s what she said

    • PL,

      Words are cheap man, especially for someone who can’t keep their word.

      Hope you find someone who can do that.

    • At the park, not at your home? … (trying to think like a cheater…can’t really do it. Head hurts…)

  • My ex told me I didn’t need to be upset about him leaving because he was going to be so gracious as to split his retirement with me. Gee, thanks. Guess it didn’t matter that THE LAW would have forced him to split his retirement, as well as pay maintenance after 32 years of marriage. He acted like he was doing me a big favor, like I should be GRATEFUL to him because he was so generous.

    • Ugggh.

      He’s grasping for any bonus-points for being a human. Desperate but predictable.

    • OMG!!! That FlamingTurd said something similar – “You’re going to be surprised. I’m going to do right by you.” This when I had plenty of information that he was trying to fuck me over and not give me anything or the bare minimum, until he was obviously advised by someone that we had been married too long for him to get off scott free. So, I guess there may have been some truth in his statement – if he EVER did right by me I would be fucking surprised. I would be amazed and completely flabbergasted. Then he said, “You will get half of my retirement so financially you’ll be doing great,” as if he was bestowing a great favor upon me from the goodness of his heart. However, he told his attorney that I should be barred from getting a portion from those couple of years when he was working and we weren’t married. And no dickwad, I will not be doing “great.” I might be able to manage, depending on how much that is, because covering for your lack of financial responsibility and overspending for 25 years has depleted all of my savings and most of my retirement money.

      Fortunately, there are actually LAWS that spell out that to which I am entitled, otherwise that STBX Floating Turd would leave me completely destitute, which he has almost managed to do anyhow.

    • You know that can work both ways. The entire 15 years we have been married there were a couple of years that my husband worked and made maybe $5k for the whole year….I’ve always been the majority bread winner and it is really just barely above the poverty line so it has been a struggle. He never contributed one dime to my retirement nor did he ever contribute much as to keeping the household up while I worked. I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, picking things up, vacuuming, laundry, dusting, toilet bowl scrubbing while mostly he just did what he wanted. Still he was sweet and kind and fantastic in bed and I had been good with that but now ….now I feel used…..after he cheated and continued to cheat! I fear that he has in his mind that eventually I will say enough and divorce him and then he gets 1/2 of my retirement , most of which I earned before we married and he gets alimony from me and him and her get to spend it ………i9t makes me want to puke!

      • chumptotheend,

        I hate when I hear stuff like that and I am so sorry that this is your situation. It’s like pouring iodine in an open sore.

        • Chump Princess,
          Indeed, I feel as if I have been victimized twice over and in the end well….there isn’t an end….I will have to keep paying forever, as he has sworn to never marry again, or alimony stops….and they wouldn’t want to lose any income….it is all really diabolical at least it feels that way.

          • I’m confused chumptotheend, are you divorced and this has happened or you fear you will have to pay alimony and give him half your shit? Cos if it’s the latter then that can be avoided in a fault state, if you aren’t in one, move. If I’d lived in CA, I would have moved before divorcing my asshole ex. He wanted half of everything I built, much of it pre marriage and he wanted alimony. Can’t get all that when I have proof of adultery

            • He has told me that he will be going after this and I have also been advised legally there is not much I can do. I live in a no fault state and all the surrounding states are no fault also. Plus I would have to quit my job of nearly 20 years which is at an institution of higher education. My daughter is beginning college next year and she can have free tuition there which is about the only way I can provide her with a college education. Believe me I’ve kept my eyes open for any type of out of area work that might be in a fault state but haven’t come up with much. Folks are still hard pressed for employment and I can’t risk her education and he knows it. All I can do is bide my time for now.

              • Be careful- You can end up paying alimony even in a fault state. My divorce was granted on the basis of adultery, after a full trial, but I’m still paying alimony because my Cheating Ex refused to work for the last 15 years of our marriage and the court couldn’t force him to get a job after the divorce. And I’m a lawyer!

              • The big issue is whether it is a permanent alimony state or whether the judge has the discretion to require him to get a job. PA is a state in which you can file no-fault or fault, but in either case, once the case is filed, the alimony clock starts ticking. In PA, the max is 3 years. He may be able to get some of your pension, but a 15 year marriage, to which he did not contribute financially–he won’t get anything like 50%.

                If you are still living together while you bide your time, tell him he must get a job. Cut the money off. Pay the bills yourself, put your paycheck in an account with your name on it. Control the money. Tell him he needs to pay 50% of mortgage, utilities, taxes, medical, and to start putting money away for his retirement. If he won’t work, I wouldn’t give him a dime to spend. That will get old very fast.

                And it’s ridiculous that anyone has to pay alimony for someone who refuses to work (different story for the disabled, obviously.) This is a good reason for people to pay close attention on both sides to economic reciprocity.

              • I’m surprised he can get anything from before you were married. I didn’t think that was possible.

                I don’t think there are any permanent alimony states anymore and I think alimony is rarely enough for someone to live on.

                What would your lawyer think of staying legally married?

                Lovedajackass – I think that it’s impossible for the court to know if one partner refused to work or if the couple agreed to have one person doing child care or following their dreams. So they seem to just go by who is earning what at the time of the divorce. It would be fair without the cheating.

    • My ex was the same way. A good guy to the end, HE was going to make sure I landed well. No… my attorney and the laws of the state ensured that. What a pompous, narc controlling creep. His head is so far up his butt it has popped back out of his neck.

  • So many, but one jumps out at me. When asked why I should believe he had finally told me the truth after so many lies? “Because this time you asked me to”

    He also wanted to be patted on the back for depositing his bonus check instead of cashing it and pocketing the money. “Not that I’ve ever done that before”. Sure Slick, I believe you, that sounds totally plausible .

  • How about this…it’s a smallish one but repeated in many other scenarios:

    After getting home from work, cleaning the dishes from the night before (back-to-back shifts meant I wasn’t there the previous night), making supper for the family, sitting at the table with kids reviewing their day, having the STBX come down from her ‘chat sessions’ to grab a plate and huff off again leaving a ‘No one respects me’ bomb in her wake, and then later saying, ‘I was really stressed but thanks, that was a nice meal.’

    I’ll take that cookie! Whata chump!

  • Or another bigger one, showing off my supreme chumpedness:

    STBXW breaks down and says she was at her lover’s place when his wife comes home. He hides my STBXW in the basement while he goes to bed with his wife. (It’s like a movie, I know!)

    She’s stuck there for hours till finally he comes down and lets her out…but later the wife finds out. She insists on having a meeting with STBX to find closure. That’s when she confesses to me and asks for me to help her thru this encounter. (Enter #1 Chump).

    I help her thru it…driving her to the meeting and consoling her thru the experience. She vows never to cheat again (yada yada yada…) and thanks me profusely for helping her, forgiving her, being a great husband and friend, uggggghhhhh! I’m really ashamed at how stupid I was! Chump-Sans-Frontiere. Hey, my new handle!

  • My two D Days were twelve years apart. After the second D Day, I did a pretty good “exposure” to our friends and family which made him furious.

    One of his more petty comments: “But I just bought us a new grill! That meant I was committed!”

    Here’s a bitch cookie. Bitch.

  • “I was a good husband for over 20 years. Can’t you just spot me this??”

    Word.For.Word.

    Of course, my answer was “NO!”

    • Oh please tell me what your face looked like when he said this!!! Did your eyes point in opposite directions?? Do these twats really think any of this shit is gonna fly before they speak???

      • I am pretty sure my mouth was actually agape. The good part was that it took such an over-the-top statement to get through my thick skull that he was doing this all on purpose. Truly I laugh when I tell the story now. Not funny then.

  • “He was supportive of me going back to school.”

    “The only reason I had sex with him was because I was accused of it so I figured if I was going to be accused of it I might as well do it.”

    These were some of the bitch cookies I was fed.

  • xh said …”at least I was honest with you and told you, but now I wish I hadn’t because of the way you’re reacting!!” …yeah, you, (after many years), were honest with me because you thought you gave me Aids, !!!

    • I also got “at least I was honest with you” – 6 years after child born and two months after he was served with court documents in respect of the love child. He told me because I knew her lawyer and was worried I’d find out anyway.

  • “It’s not like I come home and beat you every night.” When I said that strangling me until I blacked out was abuse.
    His response to me being upset when I discovered he was texting another woman that he loved her while on the road coming home to me. “But you weren’t there”
    So what? it is only cheating if you do it right in front of my eyes? You are only faithful when in my company?
    When I once again discovered more personal ads, “We were fighting at the time” Oh why didn’t you say so, we had an argument in the morning and that makes it ok to put an ad in looking for sex at noon that same day.
    “You could go home with a different guy every night” I could but I don’t so you get a free pass because I “could” be unfaithful.

  • “I even got your name tattooed on my hip!”

    Umm, yeah. I didn’t ask you to do that. And just how many other guys saw it during our wedded splendor? If that was to show your commitment to me, you were doing it wrong. I would’ve been happy with simply honoring our vows. So typical of the type though – all show and no go.

    Anyway, here’s your Bitch Cookie and a tall glass of Glad You’re the Fuck Out of My Life juice to wash it down.

  • “like an old dog no one wants”

    Now this was said when we were in our fake reconcillation so now I am not sure if I was the old dog or ap was.

    Here fido a nice dog bitch cookie for you

    • Heard that one too! Along with, She’s a really nice person and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

      • Cheater: “You would really like her.”

        Chump: “No. She’s a dirty skank having an affair with a married man. I don’t like skanks. Or cheaters. And if she were a decent person or a kind person, she wouldn’t be having sex with someone else’s husband.”

  • He used this one a few times “We only had sex once. She refused to have sex with me again” Oh! well if it was only once. And it makes me feel much better that you wanted to have sex with her again but she refused.
    I eventually said, “Gee, and that doesn’t bother you? A lot of men would really wonder about themselves.” He asked what I meant by that.
    I said, “Well most men like to consider themselves to be good in bed and their ego would be hurt but if you are ok with it, Good for you.”
    He was getting angry now and wanted to know what the hell I was talking about.
    So I told him, “Well, every time a woman has sex with you she refuses to ever go to bed with you again. A lot of men would really be bothered by that. Good for you that it doesn’t bother you.”
    The light went on and he said, “It wasn’t just once, we had sex lots of times>”
    I said, “I knew it!!”
    Him “Fuck”

  • “She said she and her first three husbands lived separate lives. She says it’s different with me.”

    Fourth time is the charm I guess.

    “How can you stand there and accuse me of cheating? I was just thinking about our retirement together and our children and grandchildren. Well, since you accused me, we should separate. Let’s just end it.” This was said after I confronted him with the cell phone bill with the list of repeated and extensive phone calls to Reverend Imaho, because the problem was the accusation, not his actual betrayal.

    • That’s Jackass’s position to. “You accused me of cheating! I won’t tolerate that!”

  • I can’t decide between:

    “The sex with her isn’t even any good — it feels like fucking a bowl of warm water…”

    or

    [after I expressed my outrage at the amount of money he spent on the affair] “Well, you buy new shoes, and it’s not like I spend money on other hobbies like expensive golf weekends…”

    • eeeeeww — that first one — that shows you their focus is on their peter.

      In a rare bit of honesty in an email about 8 months after he had moved out, the ex said he knew all “those relationships” couldn’t have been about love because he “felt dirty” afterward.

      I’m saving that one to pull on the OWifey sometime. You think it’s love, do you?

      What a bunch of users.

  • After finding out my fiancée had slept with a Russian prostitute in our home whilst I was visiting my widowed father…. i just remember the room spinning and feeling like I wanted to throw up. This had happened 3 years previous to me finding out and he had subsequently proposed just a few months after he did this. It turned out it was just one of many times he had slept with other women and he had been using hook-up sites to locate them. Trying to wrap my head around how the ultimate ‘nice guy’ could do this to me, I felt I needed to know details. I now wish I hadn’t.

    “You did this in our bed?” Cheater – gasps in horror with a look of total disgust. “No, THAT would be WRONG!” …….My Prince. Only fucks hookers in the spare room. Thank fuck for that. I guess I should also be grateful he waited until I was out. Nice to know he has a moral compass, just a shame it’s been stamped on a few times.

    I’m still reeling at this point, realizing the number of photos of us on the wall in the spare bedroom, and ask him how he could do that surrounded by our photos. Cheater – (looking like he is only just realizing that what he did is wrong and scrabbling frantically) “I ordered her on the internet, then went around and took down our photos before she arrived.” Firstly, BULLSHIT, no one capable of fucking a hooker in their girlfriend’s home whilst she is out has any problem doing it around a few Kodak moments. Secondly, IF you did that, I think it actually makes it worse.

    Total sociopath. He learns morality like most of us would learn Latin: he can repeat back what he thinks he is supposed to say, but it means absolutely nothing to him.

    • “He learns morality like most of us would learn Latin: he can repeat back what he thinks he is supposed to say, but it means absolutely nothing to him.”

      EXACTLY! My cheater XH knows what to do to appear “normal” to the general public. His entire family is fabulous at acting normal. His live-in girlfriend just got divorced and I bet he’s eager to marry her so he can stop the act.

      • THIS^^^^^^^

        mine is so proformance ready no one can get their head around that for me him having sex with other men is the least of our marriage issues and my XMIL is just the same.

        their appearence of ‘normal’ is all they care about and will persue it at all cost to those closest to them.

  • Describing to me her plane ride back from across the country, and the acquaintance she’d struck up with the man seated next to her:
    “You should be proud of me. I told him I was married!” (Compared to her history of telling men she was separated, or “forgetting” to mention that she was married).

    When I discovered that instead of going to her group therapy, she’d used that time to sneak off for a secret rendezvous:
    “But I haven’t done that every time!”

  • “Meet me and talk to me, please. It’s more than she gets. She just has a Facebook friendship with restrictions now and I don’t go on it much anymore…”

    bitchslap cookie

  • All of these stories remind me of a quote from Steel Magnolias.
    Weezer (Shirley MacLaine): “What a gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink ‘fore he pees in it.”
    🙂

  • “At least I wore a condom”

    Really? You should not have been f*cking her in the first place!! Who knows if it was true though!

    • Mine said he “had” to save her from her horrible husband. And when I asked about protection. He said ” she is clean”. When asked how he knew this he said. ” I just know”. I’m a nurse, I know you can’t tell by looking only by testing. Dumbass. He also said the boys would be fine they are resilient , but if I talk about divorce now he says think about what it will do to the boys! Fucktard! Have several bitch cookies. Lol

    • I’m such a chump, I would actually give my stbx credit for that. I was not treated to the same consideration, I’m afraid. My stbx NEVER used protection with these women, none of whom used birth control, one of whom he had twice impregnated and one of whom had herpes (It wasn’t an active infection! Here’s a bitch cookie).

      That I struggled so long to find my way to forgiveness and reconciliation is, in the rear view, appalling when I reflect on stuff like this.

        • I think I can imagine the conversation, though my stbx was a different flavor of crazy. I’m almost grateful for statements of that ilk. I remember having a series of lightbulb moments when he would make these ridiculous statements without flinching. Something along the lines of “Ah-HA. He’s insane! Now I get it!”

  • Reading all the bitch cookie stories is surreal. Cheaters are one IQ number away from mentally challenged in their ridiculous reasoning.

    It’s hilarious in a black comedy kind of way. How pathetic and delusional cheaters are.
    Feeding their ego from whatever trough they can get it from. It’s a buffet of delusion they feast on and it’s bizarre, the words, excuses, the mental gymnastics required.

    Even more bizarre, they actually take themselves seriously, when speaking cheater speak. My god….these fools are fluent in bullshit, but they don’t realize we see that they talking from their ass. It’s like mouth farts.

    • not thread hijacking here, but today has been a day for all of us her on
      CN, and I just wanted to say, remember, when you cry, it should only be for
      those that deserve it. Do not cry for your X and the choices he has made. Cry for yourself,
      your kids, then when you are done, make a plan. Do something good for YOU. You deserve it.

      • Right on Sodone! When I cry these days it’s for me and the kids and the grandkids. I NEVER cry over that guy anymore. I doubt I’d cry even if I read his obituary.

  • My ex said, “You’re still pretty, but I’m not sexually attracted to you.” I got the bitch cookie with poop morsels.

    • I think I got that cookie too.

      4 months after D’day in a rare conversation on the matter STBX express that he still loves me. Yes that would have to be in the ‘like a sister sense as you confessed your prferences.
      But in the same conversation said he does not understand why I get to live in our family home with the kids but he doesn’t . Hhmmm really? And let’s not forget the threat to try and sell the house without my consent when this conversation didn’t go his way.

      Forget the cookie just give the bitch the recipe he will have a batch whipped up in no time.

  • I wore a condom every time because I respect you! —- turned out to be a lie.
    It made me a better husband and father.
    I never spent the night at their houses. I always came home!
    I stopped the affairs months ago, but I just kept their numbers on my cell phone because I wanted to let them down “easy”.
    I was so disgusted with myself after the first time it happened, that I went to her bathroom and threw up! —then he went back for more and more.
    He put down the AP’s bodies like “I don’t like her boobs and having sex with her is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”–had sex with her 4 times. Also, another AP had “thinning hair and had a funny shaped body”- had sex with her 3 times.
    Like CL says, don’t pay attention to the words. Pay attention to the actions. ITS CLEAR AS DAY.

    • OMG. O.M.G. I never thought I’d hear that phrase anywhere else. “Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” Good God.

      Mine said that same thing, along with the “I only had sex with her twice, and it made me sick!!” (not sick enough the first time, apparently. But then, Buttercup, remember The Switch. If he said twice, it meant “twice every day”)

      Another one was “She has some of my time, but you always had my heart.”

      And, of course, “I would NEVER let OW harm you or our kids!” OH. Like OW is now some crazy person with violent tendencies….but you didn’t notice that for the 1.5 years you were fucking her…and of course, only after I was informed of the affair.

      • buttercup, that’s so similar to mine: “I am fiercely loyal to you!” and “You know that I would do anything to protect your children!” and “I was defending us, against HER! defending US!”

        Bitch cookie!

        • Muse, of course!! **forehead slap** He was just PROTECTING US. I got that. A lot.

          Well, dimwit, if YOU hadn’t been fucking around with her and brought her into our lives….we wouldn’t NEED protection from her, now would we.

          Are they saying that they fucked the OW, snuck around, spent family resources, endangered my health and possibly me and my kids’ safety—-in order to “take one for the team”? Meaning, he was forced to fuck her for my safety?

          Is this the only way that they can feel like real men?? Manufacture a crisis and then come riding in to save the day? Really?

          • Chumpalot, isn’t that just pathetic, when they badmouth their affair partners?

            This is what makes me want to talk to OW. XH says “she’s just bitter because I chose you over her! so you can’t believe anything she says, she would just try and hurt us!”

            Okaaaay. Well, then if she was such a freaky looking toad, what kept you having such a hard on for her? I mean, men are “visual creatures” right? Even if you could compartmentalize what you were doing, if she’s such an unattractive and lousy lay….how did this go on for so long?

            Maybe not. I’m wondering if she may not have a very similar experience as the recipient of his verbal vomit and crazy making. I don’t have sympathy for her, but I am wondering if it would not be a very enlightening interview.

  • Not sure if this qualifies for a bitch cookie; maybe more of an, “I Know You Are But What Am I” humble pie?

    When he left his email up while out walking (and come to find out, texting his bim), I discovered emails between him and the bimbo. They documented their every schmoopie love letter and activity. I confronted him, quoted some of the more damning word gems, and called him a cheating, scumbag loser. He went bug eyed, sputtered and spit and finally replied, “Well… well, at least I’m not … I’m not someone who hacks into other people’s email accounts.”

    Ooooooohhhh, burn.

  • In response to my request that he try to connect with me emotionally in order to foster some intimacy in our relationship:

    “I said dinner was “good”. I’ve opened up. What more do you want from me?”

    BITCH COOKIE.

    • Mine was having dinner with his EP on a regular basis claiming it was a committee meeting when suggested by MC we have a regular date night he could not find the time. Then one night after I cooked dinner, and was in my PJ’s STBX chimes do you want to go out for coffee and desert I have a voucher. WTF. He was so cut I turned him down. Moron

  • How about, “We only had oral sex.” Or “You’re a lot better looking than any of them.”

    Gee, thanks.

    • D, that’s like mine: “All I did was take advantage of an offer someone made!” When I asked him why didn’t you come to me and tell me ahead of time before you slept with her that you were developing feelings for someone else, “I was NOT developing feelings for her!” and then, also, “No one in their right mind would do that!”

  • I remember the first time I found out my ex mofo was chatting it up with women online. He left his email account open. I found the password and changed all the settings to said account. Then, I changed his profile picture and added some relevant personal information. Needless to say, he was not impressed. Of course, the fact that he was caught cheating wasn’t the issue. He wanted to know how to get back into that account. I still laugh about it today. The photo is too funny for words…so if you google him, you get a sight full.

    • Annie,
      I did that to my fucktard too. Once I knew what he was up to, I put a keylogger on my own computer, which he audaciously used for his internet trawling. So, armed with his passwords, I was able to do awesome stuff…all for a sad lark of course. I figure I was doing the numerous potential OW on websites a favour by outing him.

      The weird part was he has never to this day (3 years later) changed his passwords or handle so just watching his online behaviour is an education in cynicism. I can easily see that he has chumped the OW who terrorized me and she is now terrorizing him. What a circus.

      • omg maree!
        my x is out of the house, and I wished sometimes I was able to
        do the same thing. It feels draining to dig for info, so do yourself
        a favor and don’t dwell on it. On the otherhand, when all you get is lies and denial,
        knowledge is power 🙂 Any info I was able to get was while he was still in the house,
        and left phone/computer unlocked.He is trying to tell me he is seeing no one, but i”m
        sure this is not the case. I see my lawyer in sept, and it’s gonna be a long haul.

        • sodone, my ex told me that there was absolutely no one else. He thinks I was born yesterday but my radar was on high alert. Good that you are seeing your lawyer in September but it may be over quicker than you think and by that I mean physically not emotionally. It is not an easy ride you are on but you will get off at the other end and be happy. You might not think so now but you will. I still have days now and again when I am really down and I wonder how it all turned to such a mess but they are getting few and far between now. All the very best to you and don’t let the bastard win.

          • maree,
            I already have him out of the home, separate accounts, changed locks and garage combo,
            401ks are down to equal, all bills are paid down, joint bills closed. all utilities are in my name in the home. got one more vehicle to sell and split, and we are way ahead of the game. next is selling the marital home. only one way to go from here. no turning back. the bastage keeps texting me, so phone blocking is next. all the crazy responses I have seen on here when they are asked why, I wish I had. He cannot say why without blaming me in one way or another. unacceptable. You know, they are incapable of
            making themselves look bad, so the lies just continue. now he is back contacting his parents again, saying i am trying to do better, look I have a counselor, but she won’t take me back. he went so far as to tell them he had no internet so he couldn’t possibly
            be still contacting the OW! When they told me about this, I said he is lying. he has unlimited
            internet on his new phone, and his email works just fine.

    • Annie, you are my evil twin! My ex had a ‘favourite’ folder on a dating site and there was only one tart in there and her name was ‘like to share’. I sent her that many kisses from his profile that she replied that she no longer wanted any contact. I know I shouldn’t have done it but it still makes me smile. He still doesn’t know to this day that I did that.

  • Him telling me that (after OW and I confronted him together) he had chosen who he wanted to be with, he just didn’t know how to tell her. I was pick-me dancing like an all star and had sex with him…and this was his pillow talk. And for some WTF reason, I thought he meant he had chosen me. Bitch cookie for him for not wanting to hurt “her” (my) feelings so he screwed me first.

  • My son was involved in a serious car accident during the affair.  It was the worst time of my life (up to that point).   Months later when I found out about the OW, my cookie monster husband told me he’d phoned her after the accident to tell her he wouldn’t be calling her anymore because he had to focus on his family now.  
     I checked his cell records–he managed to focus on us (and abstain from phone sex) for a total of two whole weeks.  

  • What? No one has mentioned these classics?

    “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”

    And…

    “I didn’t leave my child, just you.”

    Still can’t quite understand this one: you now live with your lover an hour away from your child, and you now officially and by decree miss half of your child’s life. His school, his friends, his extra activities, his questions, his cuddles, his fears and joy.

    Child says “I’m so sad that daddy left” which is THE expert opinion on this cookie statement.

    • LOL – My X said this to my kid, his step-daughter. “I’m sorry DD, I left your mom, not you.”

      How sweet and nurturing. lol

    • How about: “I didn’t leave us, Muse, I just left YOU.” Me: “No, Cheater, you didn’t leave me, I kicked you out.” Cheater: “I left you a long time ago, Muse, I just never told you about it!” —- how did he LEAVE me and still be living in our house that I paid the mtg pmts, pd for his food and his cheater-cell-phone??? what part of that was “leaving” exactly????

      Bitch cookies all around!!!

  • omg…looooove this new term…”bitch cookie”!!!
    When all the truths came out about my husband’s latest affair….whereas I was at home waiting with dinner cooked and he stopped by her place for wine and everything else, coming home fresh after showering….he had the nerve to exclaim….”…but I never took a shower WITH her!!!!!!”. Oh ya…that makes it sooooo much more acceptable….lol…what an idiot!

  • Why is it that men expect to get their asses kissed for doing a simple chore or going to work everyday? They are all B-EFFin-B’s. Big Fucking Babies. That is an old saying my mom coined in reference to men and its still true. They expect to be praised for everything that they do. The more stories I hear on CL the more I am thinking that they are all this way. I see absolutely no reward in this and would frankly rather be single. Energy rip-offs. They always have excuses for despicable behavior. Ugh.

    • I’m sure we have some male chumps here that could say the same about women. We have to remember, CHEATERS suck! Not men. Not women. CHEATERS.

    • Yeah, how about this one: sent me a text after DDay when he finally started helping with the mortgage payments. His text just said: “I put half the mortgage in the mail to you.” Like I woudn’t figure that out when the check arrived in the mail the next day? I was out (slightly inebriated) with friends and I texted back, “yeah aren’t you a fuckn hero, guess what, I paid the mortgage every other month BEFORE you cheated!” and he got MAD, said I was unappreciative and “spitting in his face.” Mind you, my forensic accountants later determined he paid exactly 11% of the mortgage payments over 12 years. Rah rah, what a hero!!!!

      Bitch cookie!

      • Oh, please!!! See, they get mad and have an excuse for everything. You were supposed to praise him because he finally attempted to pay what he should have been all along??? UGH!!!!

  • “I’m home every night to make you dinner” and “I’m not off playing golf with the guys.” (He hated golf. Big sacrifice.)
    What is it about being “home” that neutralizes what went on the rest of the day?

  • Oh I got the story, from him and HER, but “he is not going to divorce you!” Yea me! Here is a dozen bitch cookies, Bitch!

    • Mine did wear his ring during the entire affair out of respect for our marriage. As soon as he told me this I confiscated it and never gave it back. I knew that ring had been all over her body.