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And the Bitch Cookie Goes to…!

July 22, 2014 by Chump Lady

bitchcookieIn case you missed it, one of our intrepid chumps shared the term “bitch cookie” with Chump Nation and it took off. What’s a bitch cookie? It’s a tasty little reward you get for doing something you should do anyway, without reward.

Cheaters ask for bitch cookies all the time.

“Hey, okay I cheated — but I didn’t beat you.”

Bitch cookie.

“You should appreciate all the good things I DO do — I was faithful for, like, entire MONTHS.”

Bitch cookie.

And this one from my ex — “Hey, the affair(s) didn’t take that much TIME.” Like my biggest problem with his infidelities was time management.

Bitch cookie.

So chumps, what stupid shit did your cheater say that merits a bitch cookie? You only had three D-days, not four? They didn’t have sex with you on the same day they had sex with the affair partner? They kept cheating, but hey, they were NEVER going to divorce you!

Let’s award some bitch cookies.

 

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Comments

  1. Responsibleforme says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:25 am

    After I kicked him out of the house – “you aren’t grateful of all I do to help you since I moved out. I unpacked the dishwasher”. This is when he was spending time at my home with his kids shortly after separation. 2 years on – the kids go to his house and my home is my fortress!!!

    If unpacking the dishwasher was meant to prove to me that he was a committed husband I should give a second chance to – I didn’t even notice.

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:51 am

      Yes mine thought hanging out a load of washing made him husband of the year.
      That is about all he did and would boast about it to all who would listen.
      But he won’t want A cookie, he will want the whole freaking box. Narc

    • Miss Sunshine says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:12 am

      Mine, too! What is it with the dishwasher?

      And when I tried to show gratitude to him for getting up to go to a job he didn’t love, and pointed this out to the kids–you know, give him an actual bitch cookie? He snarled at me and said that I only saw him as a paycheck.

      Whatevs, bro.

      • ExpatChump says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:06 pm

        I gave up the dishwasher years ago as STBX was vertically obsessed about how to load it. Really?! I gladly handed him the keys to the dishwasher loading castle

  2. Lisah says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:29 am

    We did the whole MC thing just after BD.

    The therapist was grasping at straws and he said to my stbx ” say one nice thing about your wife”.

    Well, you could hear the crickets chirp for what seemed like eternity .

    He finally said ” she’s really good at keeping up with the laundry “!?!?!

    After 14 years of marriage that is the best he could do.

    Well this wife appliance stopped working 2 years ago.

    Glad I was good for something! Yup – have a Bitch Cookie 🙂

    • Miss Sunshine says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:13 am

      Wife Appliance!

      LOVE it! That’s how they saw us!

    • Doop says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:42 am

      Lisah, a counselor gave us a similar assignment!

      We were given “homework”. Had a week to make a list of the top three things we loved about each other. He managed to come up with: 1) I always supported his fitness efforts/marathons/sports participation; 2) I was always very happy to see him when he walked in the door; 3) I’ve created a beautiful home.

      When it was time to discuss each other’s biggest flaws, his criticism of me was that I was not great at being on time.

      A decade together, and all I was to him was an Occasionally Tardy Cordial Hostess.

  3. Monika says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:32 am

    “yeah, I gave her money but I gave YOU all the rest.”
    “but I always came home at some point.”
    Minimizer: “she’s a poor woman with kids who’s husband (!) is a drug addict, I had to help her.”

  4. TheMuse says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:32 am

    “I don’t know what you are so upset about. I stayed with you longer than with any of the others!”

    • Kay Harris says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      You are obviously soooo ungrateful. I hope you force fed him a bitch cookie.

  5. MFIM says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:35 am

    Mine actually said the affair partner “saved our marriage”, seriously! Extra large bitch cookie!

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:13 am

      Yeah MFIM, mine said OW “is actually your best friend.” Why? I asked. “Because she told me to tell you about us [him and her].”

      • kimmy says

        July 22, 2014 at 10:53 am

        Yeah, because everyone needs a friend like that!!! WTF?

    • MGirontree says

      July 23, 2014 at 8:05 am

      Mine said “I truly believe I was a better husband because I cheated.”
      and
      “All men cheat.”
      “I always came home.”
      “I never stopped loving you.”
      “It was JUST 4.”
      “I would just do my thing and come home.”
      “It was just sex.”
      “You are making a big deal about this.”
      The list goes on……

  6. MissedRedFlags says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:35 am

    This is a comment I’m sure a lot of chumps have been told, ” I was keeping the affair secret because I didn’t want to hurt you.” Because, of course, as long as I didn’t find out about his 3 year affair his actions were perfectly ok!

    • Responsibleforme says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:37 am

      Yep. Bitch cookies all round for not wanting to hurt us.

      • Sammie D says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:56 am

        As long as we do not know it is all OK.
        I did not realize ingnorance was a gift?

        • SAchump says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:03 am

          Mine said exactly the same phrase and also added another bitch cookie : “we didn’ t talk about you out of respect”!!!!

          • Flora says

            July 22, 2014 at 9:26 am

            Ha ha! I heard a version of this too!

            • Chump-Sans-Frontiere says

              July 22, 2014 at 11:52 am

              Hahaha. ME TOO.

              Do they go to school for this?

            • UnderConstruction says

              July 23, 2014 at 3:46 am

              Him: “Whenever she (his ow) would ask about you or say something bad about you, I always told her not to talk about you.”
              ugh, take your Bitch Cookie and please stfu.

          • Triplefire says

            July 22, 2014 at 11:58 am

            OMG. I don’t have words.

            • Pru says

              July 22, 2014 at 4:14 pm

              Chump-Sans-Frontiere – they must have a school, because my ex said the same thing.

    • Red says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

      I got something similar when I asked XH, who walked to work, why OW was driving him home and dropping him off on the side street the next house over.

      “Because I knew you would make you mad if you knew she was driving me home.”

      Not “I should stop because it would make you mad,” but “I should hide because it would make you mad.” Idiot!

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      Mine told me about the affair but at first wouldn’t tell me who it was with, because “I don’t want to destroy you.” She’d had no issue with my seeing him on a regular basis while she was having the affair.

    • Kristen says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      It’s not because they didn’t want to hurt us. They are weak wimps (chicken shit pussies). PERIOD>

    • Carolyn says

      July 22, 2014 at 4:28 pm

      Mine said all the same. It really is like there is some play book they all use.

    • blue says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:48 pm

      Yes, my XH told me the same thing. But then later when I accused him of being deceitful by hiding the affair from me, he said that he was honest with me about the affair, because he didn’t try to delete the history of Internet web pages he visited, which included sites for romantic getaways and restaurants, and knew that I would find this Internet history (and realize those getaways and restaurants weren’t for me), so he wasn’t trying to hide the affair.

      • Finally realized says

        July 23, 2014 at 12:37 pm

        Wow, Blues Clues, how considerate he was of you. And you don’t appreciate that gesture?

    • Seeing the light says

      July 23, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Followed up in any order by:
      1. It didn’t mean anything;
      2. It was only lust;
      3. I was afraid to break it off;
      4. Family interjection: other aps in the wings- must have been getting bored with current AP.
      Seconds please.

      • Irish says

        July 24, 2014 at 3:54 pm

        Al those porno pics I whacked off to meant nothing to me, you are the one I love. You are all I need, I just can’t stop I’m addicted to masturbating to teen porn!! I never meant to hurt you, I LOOOOVVVVE you. Really.

        Oh and, what do you expect me to do?????? He’s my DAD…… After finally SEEING his pervert father run his hand over my breasts as he leaned down to hug me on FUCKING MOTHERS DAY!!!!
        Now’s that for a nice shit covered bitch cookie?????
        🙂

    • Mispell says

      July 24, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      And many of us ate that cookie and had some milk with it. Oh gees I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by letting you know I want to and am fucking someone else and but for you finding out I would have never hurt your feelings. It may not have been the best cookie but apparently the cookie tasted good enough as many of us have stuck around to taste the next batch. I guess you didn’t mean to hurt me and gosh if I had not found out you would have continued to fuck other people behind my back, but at least I could have remained a chump, as I jump roped down the yellow brick road and over the rainbow. So yes, the you cheating on me must have been okay as we have eaten the cookie and we are still here to taste the next batch. As seasoned chumps, and my only request is that the next batch of cookies have sprinkles and unicorns.

  7. Responsibleforme says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:37 am

    I didn’t acknowledge her child as mine. Son is still my first born…. Blergh!
    FYI I didn’t know he had cheated let alone had a child till the child was 6!!!! My kids are younger.

    Bitch Cookie for not wanting your love child!

    • This Chump medicated for your protection says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:12 am

      Oh he’ll Respo….
      Your Cheater gets to lick the mixing bowl and spoon too.

      • Responsibleforme says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:10 pm

        Yup.

  8. Sammie D says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:43 am

    From STBX – before D’day in MC – I love you and what our marriage to work.
    three weeks later on D’day – Only the first one was an affair the rest were just oral sex.

    Or – when I told STBX or marriage was over – No its not, I have my issues to work through and you have your issues to work through. If our marriage is over that is on you. WTF

    Or
    From my ex minister – your husbands actions were just physical not intimate. Gee thanks

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:18 am

      If a minister is earning bitch cookies, I’m glad he’s your ex-minister. That’s f***ed up.

    • fiestypants says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

      “just physical and not intimate”?!?! WTF???!

      • Triplefire says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:01 pm

        LIKE!

  9. Sammie D says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:44 am

    What – want

  10. Alyosha says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:48 am

    “I didn’t plan for this to happen.”

    Really? You didn’t coldly formulate a series of action items and then create an accompanying business plan including risk mitigation strategies before you fucked the cute guy from the gym?

    That makes me feel so much better. Thanks.

    I know now that you really are a good person. And so passionate! Please accept this bitch cookie.

    • Maree says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:41 am

      I am not sure if this qualifies but whilst we were still married my now ex said “it is something that just happened. I know I can’t replace you but us being together is no longer an option. You are my soul mate and we can still be F buddies though”. This is from a male I have known for 45 years and gave my life to. The best part is I have replaced him with freedom and peace of mind.

    • Flora says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Yes! I got: “I didnt see it coming.”. Right—that fake “Nick Jones” Facebook account just appeared on your computer screen when you turned it on one morning.

      • sodone says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:48 pm

        Yep! mine has a fake FB also and he called himself Tom Garcia! He must have thought
        very highly of himself. He is not even Hispanic! LOL The bitch even knew his FB was fake
        (she left a message on the phone about it). OOPS!!!

        • Freeatlast says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:38 pm

          LOL!c Mine X’s fake FB page was Will Poe ! Cause he’s an amazing poet ya’ know.

          • Freeatlast says

            July 22, 2014 at 10:39 pm

            crap. spell check. * My X *

            • sodone says

              July 22, 2014 at 11:05 pm

              I like your username, freeatlast! I don’t think i will be feel free til i’m out of the marital home, and in one of my own.

          • sodone says

            July 22, 2014 at 10:42 pm

            far as I know his face book is still up and thriving. he keeps saying he wants to reconcile,
            but I think he just wants to get his ass back in the house. selfish sob. aren’t they all??

    • Nord says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      HA! My ex told me he didn’t mean for this to happen. then again, he forgot to mention the many other affairs I eventually found out about. I imagine he didn’t mean those to happen? Nope, but they didn’t mean anything.

    • Finally realized says

      July 23, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      Mine didn’t plan for it to happen, either! All of those daily hour and a half phone calls, the emails, the text messages for nine months leading up to their first passionate meeting? You know, the dedicated mission to woo and enchant her with all of his best sparkly efforts? EVERY day for hours for nine months?

      Quite unintentional! How did that happen? No one was more surprised than he!

    • NorthernLight says

      July 23, 2014 at 8:34 pm

      Mine didn’t want it to happen either.

  11. Susan says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Mine said he thought that him doing the ‘man chores’ around the house should have been good enough for me. WTF?

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:53 am

      The Man chores?

    • Miss Sunshine says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:16 am

      I WISH mine had done any man chores.

  12. Rumblekitty says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:54 am

    This is the first time I ever cheated!

    • lovehonorcherish says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:02 am

      How about this Rumblekitty? “She was my first time (cheating). I can’t believe that you don’t BELIEVE ME!!”

      • TheMuse says

        July 22, 2014 at 10:02 am

        How about: “I can’t believe you think I don’t love you!” Me: You bought her strawberries and chocolate for breakfast, you never did that for me. Him: “HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT????” Me: “you left the receipt in your recycling bin.” Him: bursts hysterically into sobbing tears, “WHAT I DID WAS WRONG AND YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT.” (yes, tears on command.)

        Have a chocolate covered, strawberry flavored, cream filled, flaming turd BITCH COOKIE YOU LYING NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE.

        • Luziana says

          July 23, 2014 at 4:00 pm

          THIS. Made me laugh do damn hard!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:18 am

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:33 am

      Same here, only “this is the only time this ever happened!” and now, 1 yr post DDay I’ve stumbled onto proof of multiple serial cheating including never having actually broken up with prior GF, during the first 8 years that cheater and I lived together in house we own together; GF from 2007-09 and who knows how many other phone sex, hookups, etc.

  13. lovehonorcherish says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:56 am

    He said to me in a sad, sad voice “I tried to end it many, many times but AP was so happy…I just couldn’t hurt her that way!” But it was perfectly acceptable to him to completely devastate his wife and family. Big fat bitch cookie! Damn asshat : (

    • fiestypants says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:25 am

      Oh that poor AP. Her happiness is in jeopardy… Wow….(insert face punch from giant, hiding mechanical fist here)

      • TheMuse says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:40 am

        ha ha mine said to me “it wouldn’t be fair to all parties” for him to have sex with me after DDay (I was doing the pick me dance insanely and begged him for it) – yes, that’s right, it wouldn’t be “fair” to all parties meaning the OW !!! though it apparently was fair to me to fuck her for months secretly. Oh yeah also, when I kicked him out on DDay, upon being asked where he was now living, he said “Because it is a concession to me, that information is private.” Her house, in other words.

        • andstillirise says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:25 am

          the bloody pompousness of him!

          how did you not smother him in the night with a pillow? or just whomp him with a frying pan?

          even bitch cookies are too good for this guy.

          • TheMuse says

            July 22, 2014 at 12:19 pm

            I kicked him out that night and he never slept anywhere near one of my pillows ever again LOL, andstillirise! Yes, pompous ass certainly describes him, the guy who “wished he could split himself in too so one of” him could be with me “and one with her” (tears in his wittle eyes, how sad! so sad!

        • Kristen says

          July 22, 2014 at 2:40 pm

          My husband said he felt bad for OW too. I flew off the handle when he said that.

          • Bud says

            July 24, 2014 at 10:52 pm

            Same sort of comment from my cheating wife when I asked her to remove him from her life forever. Her response. “I can’t be the mean” Are you fucking kidding me???? You destroyed our 18 yr marriage, Completely devastated our family (3 school age kids) and you are trying to tell me you can’t be that mean????

        • Chumpness in Seattle says

          July 23, 2014 at 2:08 am

          Mine said he withheld sex that last week before walking out the door because he needed to “stay true to the process”, whatever that meant. When I found a very very large amount of cash he’d left behind in an unfamiliar bank envelope (turns out he’d withdrawn so much that week he lost track of all the hidden bundles and forgot one… Big oops) my doc told me I was being tested for every STD known to man…. While I waited for the second round of tests (yeah…) I accidentally discovered he’ d been taking Valacyclovir for quite some time… Note to cheaters: try to keep track of where you hide your diverted funds so it doesn’t bite you in court later, and change from the pharmacy that you’ve always had your wife pick up your prescriptions from so the clerks don’t just assume like “business as usual” she is there to get the whole family’s meds and bring out your HSV2 anti- viral too…. Hope Mr True To The Process is enjoying a bitch cookie for the STD’s he DIDN’T pick up!

        • Ms. Shepp says

          July 23, 2014 at 11:17 am

          “wouldn’t be fair” and “private.” Fuck him. There has got to be a handbook for these guys. How do they come up with this shit? Ugh.

    • DeeL says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      Ex told me that he had gotten up early and went to their workplace to break it off with her because he didn’t want what had happened to him, my (our) adult kids told him off, to happen to her. Damn KISA rides again…. KISA bitch cookie for him. I apparently was supposed to be proud of him cause he was being a “good” person. WTF

    • NorthernLight says

      July 23, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Two weeks after dday, my xh said it wasn’t fair to the OW if we stayed married. And he had only been with the other women for 3 or so weeks.

      • NorthernLight says

        July 23, 2014 at 8:38 pm

        womAn, singular.

  14. Chumpster says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Its nice to see how lopsided relationships how chumps living off of starvation rations is oh so common.

    My fucktard wife wanted, after 8 years of being together in total (pre and post marriage) of TWO, count em, two whole good things she did for me. This was in response to me listing all the things I did for her, like cooking all her meals, fixing her car, fixing everything else, etc.

    Two whole things over 8 years. Wow! Want a cookie, bitch?

    After she was busted ofr cheating and I left the house, she would show me how she was finally going to start picking up some cooking duties.

    Wow! Do you want a cookie?

    She also informed me that the dead bedroom would be totally over and we would have sex on a regular basis.

    Holy shit, let me bake you a cookie, fucktard!

    Get the hell out of my life. There’s plenty of women out there who arent lying about $170,000 in student debt, who don’t complain when their husbands cook them breakfast in bed, who are turned on when their car breaks down, and their husband says “don’t worry, I got this, go back inside and watch some TV.”

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

      Complain when you made her Breakfast in bed. Are you kidding? I wish.

      • Chumpster says

        July 22, 2014 at 8:20 am

        She did. On the weekends, when I would cook myself a more elaborate breakfast, she would sleep in and I would cook her some and give it to her in bed.

        First I changed what i cooked because her desires changed from fruit and pancakes, omelettes, and then to these little breakfast sandwiches. Apparently, I was also pissing her off with this.

        Fuck you, cookie monster. My new girlfriend loves it.

        • Sammie D says

          July 22, 2014 at 8:36 am

          Omg I hope there are is a guy like you in my life some day.
          Mothers day last year I was seriously ill, while Stbx was making his morning coffee the machine broke. He comes in from the garage with our camp coffee pot declaring it was OK old faithful to the resque. He then leaving the pot on the stove left for church taking our kids with him.
          Your x sounds like a selfish bitch.

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 22, 2014 at 10:53 am

            I agree on all fronts. Pray to God there are other guys like Chumpster out there! And I think your STBX is a selfish bitch, too.

        • kb says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:18 am

          If you can work well with others in a kitchen, you are very highly desirable!

          I work great on a kitchen team, but STBX has no cooking skills. When he “helps,” he doesn’t want instruction, which means that he never gets better and constantly stays in the way.

          One of the top things on my list for any future partner is for the two of us to be able to work on a project as partners. STBX either takes over or leaves, and we have to do things his way or no way.

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 22, 2014 at 11:00 am

            MY exH the non-cheater was like that. It’s exhausting. And you feel cancelled inside.

        • MammaLynn says

          July 22, 2014 at 12:36 pm

          Cookie Monster!!
          Perfect!!

        • Trying to Trust that He Sucks says

          July 22, 2014 at 3:17 pm

          Geez. Please. If it doesn’t work out with your girlfriend, please keep me in mind. BUT SINCE I HAVE BOUNDARIES, I wish you love and happiness in your relationship in which I respect!

          Assband is sad he never cooked for his whore. He promised her he would but I had to go spoil all of that with my TIMETABLES AND UNREALISTIC DEMANDS OF MONOGAMY. And he is still sooooo very sad he used her for sex and never gave anything back to her. Other than his penis.

      • ANR says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:18 pm

        Mine complained when I kissed her when she got home and asked how her day was. Then she’d launch into a critique of the dinner I made.

        • Rosie Boa says

          July 23, 2014 at 5:33 am

          OMG ANR! STBX went off one evening when I got home from work one evening and asked him how his day was. He was so angry about it! Apparently the fact that we asked each other how our days were when we saw each other in the evening was a perfect example of how boring and unsatisfying our lives were!

          Chump that I was, I spent the next few months driving home from work being anxious and wondering whether I should piss him off by asking how his day was, or piss him off by not asking how his day was. Instead of wondering what the hell I was doing with a man who was affronted by the most basic common courtesy and interest two married people show each other when they reunite at the end of the day. CHUMP!

          • NorthernLight says

            July 23, 2014 at 8:43 pm

            Shortly before dday, my ex said something about how the how-was-your-day talking was boring… I didn’t get it, but now I guess it was just an indicator he was bored in general in his life, including me.

            • Rosie Boa says

              July 24, 2014 at 5:55 am

              No, NorthernLight – it was an indicator he was getting fake sparkles from elsewhere and making the mistake of thinking it was real diamonds.

          • sodone says

            July 24, 2014 at 10:06 am

            Rosie,
            I finally figured out why they flip out when u ask how their day is. My pos
            has had troubles at every job he has been in during the “cheating times”
            He has lost 3 jobs so far, and on probation for the one he currently has.
            I think they are soooo obsessed with instant messaging, facebook, skype,
            that co-workers and bosses notice. think about it- we all say on here how
            checked out the are around us, makes sense they would do the same at
            work, especially in a place when we are not around.

    • ReDefiningMe says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:15 am

      Just wow. Hang in there Chumpster – there are women who appreciate the good guys.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:20 am

      You had me at “don’t worry, I got this.” I don’t care what’s on the other end of that sentence. God knows I’ve said it enough myself.

      • Red says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:25 am

        Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do if some guy said, “Don’t worry, I got this.” Probably look over my shoulder to see who he was talking to…

        • Chump Princess says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:53 am

          “I wouldn’t know what to do if some guy said, “Don’t worry, I got this.” Probably look over my shoulder to see who he was talking to…”

          LOLOLOLOL!!!! For Real!! LIKE!!!!

        • Ms. Shepp says

          July 23, 2014 at 11:27 am

          “don’t worry, I got this.” What I wouldn’t have done to hear those words. “I don’t care what’s on the other end of that sentence.” The congregation replied, “AMEN!”

    • TruDat says

      August 3, 2014 at 1:57 pm

      Chumpster, if I knew you in real life, I can think of some lovely, eligible ladies to fix you up with. You sound like a #winner!!!

  15. Chumpguy says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:58 am

    The passion is gone from our marriage, but I still love you.

    I know this is hurtful, but that was not my intention.

    I know there is no one out there as good as you (but, hey, it’s sure fun to be out there sampling the wares).

    I’m flying to a resort to meet with the AP, but I’m using frequent flyer miles, and I’m staying with him so at least I’m not running up the credit card.

    I think these kinda qualify.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

      “….at least I’m not running up the credit card.” A dozen bitch cookies, boxed for airline travel.

      • Ms. Shepp says

        July 23, 2014 at 11:29 am

        …boxed for airline travel!

    • Kristen says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      OMG!!!! I swear they all say the same thing!!

  16. Chumpguy says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Oh, and “The guys I’m interested in and seeing are in their 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s. At least I’m not out there looking for a 60 year old guy” (like you).

    • ForgeOn! says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:46 am

      Oh, dearest Chumpguy!

      My jaw is on the floor……

      Big hugs to you!!! And love of the ‘Nation’ flowing out to you!

      ForgeOn, Chumpguy…..

      • SAchump says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:12 am

        These idiots are amazing…they even blame us for aging..as if they were petrified in time!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:24 am

        Yeah, me too. And no grown-up 50-60 year-old woman wants a guy in his 30s (and I should know, at 62. And I paid off all my student debt myself.)

        • Chumpguy says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:59 am

          Truthfully, have to chuckle at it all. I guess I’m supposed to feel better because it infers I’m a good provider, loving Dad, solid, dependable, overall good guy. Even decent looking and in pretty good shape. She just wants someone younger and hotter, not because I’m that bad; its just that she’s special and gorgeous, and hot, and because she can.

          She has said, “My sister is 46 and acts and looks as old as I am. I’m 58 and I look her age or younger, and I act like I’m 35.” What, me grow up?

          Such are the bitch cookies. All part of the diet that will help get us to Meh.

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 22, 2014 at 11:02 am

            The Jackass’s MOW is one of those mid-forties women who act like they’re 25. It’s sad it didn’t work out for those two. Pitiful people.

    • GladIt'sOver says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:50 am

      She sounds like a whore. She’d be a good match for my ex.

      • Triplefire says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:26 pm

        I needed that chuckle!

    • Dutch-chump says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:54 am

      I got: “the AP is my age, so at least not some young thing” he was so proud to have avoided at least one cliche, practically sitting up high and wagging his tail.

      • Nord says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:25 pm

        Mine was very pleased that his final OW was very, very young. Unfortunately she looks like a teenaged boy. Which is kind of weird, when I think about it.

        • Trying to Trust that He Sucks says

          July 22, 2014 at 3:29 pm

          OW in my case is 9 years older. 54, double mastectomy cancer survivor whose husband was 65 when she divorced him, and she traded down 20 years. First husband was a decade older, my husband was a decade younger. Her daddy was also 8 years younger than mommy (yes, I’m guilty of unraveling the skein.) No hips, no breasts, and anorexic. Her body type goes well with the craigslist circle jerks he also happened to like. Beard, anyone? I’m waiting for my Tuesday, the one that I suddenly get to MEH. This is all SUCH A WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME.

        • Maree says

          July 22, 2014 at 3:38 pm

          Nord, that is what my ex wants now also, girls who look like Asian teenage boys. Maybe he did all along. Instead he got me .. Miss Perfect!! 🙂 His loss.

        • Finally realized says

          July 23, 2014 at 1:16 pm

          LOLOL.

    • ChumpDad says

      July 22, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      Ha. I’m 44. The OM my wife is screwing is 60.

      • Annie says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:41 pm

        Funny…the things that give a bit of satisfaction. My ex mofo left pictures, on his computer, of his bullshit. The gal he was seeing was a decade younger. But, she looked a decade older and she was a foot shorter. Ha ha.. he did say she wasn’t good looking. Like I should have felt better. Thanks MOFO! That sure helps with the cheating!

        He deserves sooooo many Bitch Cookies.

    • TruDat says

      August 3, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      Oh my. If only you were in your 30s, 40s or 50s, we’d be good. Sha!!!

  17. Duped says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

    After going to couples counseling about 6 times (and a bunch of personal sessions over 3months) and me realizing that I deserved better and had to end this craziness, I told him I could never trust him again and I wanted a divorce…he still says I didn’t give our marriage a chance-that it could be better now that he had an affair! AYFKM? He honestly believes I am responsible for the divorce, having to sell the house, his major depression, him living with his mistress!!!

    My other favorite went something like this…you don’t need to get texted for STD’s-we only had sex a couple of times after I started fucking her…that’s why I had an affair, you didn’t want to have sex with me (and that I had gained 20#, and that I didn’t shower him with enough attention, etc.).

    • Still a chump says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:20 pm

      OMG. I got a version of that too. I asked whether he had used condoms and he looked shocked. “Of course not — she’s a nice girl!”

      • Dutch-chump says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:19 pm

        “Of course not, she’s a married woman, never did anything like this before”

        Yeah… duh! Got tested. One more humiliation.

      • Finally realized says

        July 23, 2014 at 1:25 pm

        I got that, too. “There’s really no need for that. There is NO way she was with anyone else but me. She isn’t like that.” I said, Yeah? But YOU are. She lives a few thousand miles away from you and you see her once or twice a month. You told me that you were “gently pushing her away” (so as not to traumatize her too much. He’s a compassionate fellow. I should be proud of his sensitivity.) And you were “encouraging her to go out and find someone new.” That was your story. So….you think she didn’t fuck somebody else when you weren’t around? I guess that “pushing her away” nonsense was a lie?

        About nine months before D Day I ended up in the ER with a RAGING UTI. After spending the day on IV, the doctor asked me if I was in a monogamous relationship. I assured him that I absolutely was. He tried to tell me that that particular kind of UTI was one they ordinarily considered an STD. I again assured him that, while I was sure he saw a whole lot of that, in MY situation, it was simply out of the question.

        How humiliating. And I didn’t even give it another thought. I actually had that kind of faith in the man. Puke.

        • BetterOffNow says

          July 23, 2014 at 4:49 pm

          My cheating ExWife (then wife) had a UTI, and she told me that the nurses asked her whether or not her husband (me!) could be having an affair to cause it, since it was the STD variety……she actually TOLD me that, and waited for an answer, even though I KNEW she cheated on me already, and we were in false re-con…..!

          Bitch cookie for the……you get the point..!

          How stupid we are sometimes………..

  18. nic says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:03 am

    me: you had an affair.
    asshat: but I ended it before you found out. And it wasn’t physical.
    me: but you had a girlfriend while you were married and I didn’t know and I made decisions about my life that were based on lies. I would have chosen differently, asshat.
    asshat: but I broke up with her a few months ago to be with you. And it wasn’t physical.
    me: broken record here, but you had a married girlfriend while you were married…

    seriously – he wanted to be rewarded for having ended it before I found out. Noble, indeed.

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:15 am

      Mine harped on too that the ‘affair’ was 8 years ago and only lasted a couple of weeks but he down played the multiple one off’s he had between the affair and D’day.

  19. ANC says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:07 am

    When going over his laundry list of non paid fuckbuddies:

    “Co-worker N: we did Everything but not sex”. (A couple of times)

    Bitch cookie

    Like his fingers, mouth, tongue, elbow or whatthefuckever in her non-vaginal orifices doesn’t count as sex because his penis didn’t enter into her vagina, just her mouth and maybe her rectum too.

    • ANC says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:35 am

      Should just be orifices. He stuck lots of things in her holes. Somehow NOT putting his penis into her vagina, in his mind, means they did not have sex. And NO, I am not married to Bill Clinton.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:30 am

        Oh, I think that bitch cookie is the basis for Jackass’s vehement contention that he didn’t “step out” on me. (That’s his term. I prefer “Lie, cheat and keep secrets.”) He was never in a hurry to get to the actual intercourse part of a relationship; he liked texting, flirting, talking on the phone, meeting up for this or that. And the MOW posted something after D-Day about her not having any sex life (really classy for a married woman). So I have no problem believing it is possible that he didn’t have intercourse. But he did everything up to that point, I am sure. And he’s a big liar and so is she.

        • DeeL says

          July 22, 2014 at 7:36 pm

          Ex told my daughter that he didn’t have an affair until after we had moved out of the house. I wonder what they were doing, Oh I know maybe they broke out their glitter pens and were writing “I heart skank” on each others notebooks. Bitch cookie for him holding back (not)!!

          • Moving Liquid says

            July 22, 2014 at 11:34 pm

            My ex told his daughters that as well.

            I think he’s almost convinced himself that’s how it went down.

            He had to convince himself of that otherwise he’d realize what a monster he is.

  20. scotty says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:09 am

    “Yeah, but guys hit on me ALL THE TIME…”

    XW wanted a bitch cookie for not boning every dude that paid attention to her.
    Wow, good job. This is a pass/fail test, sweetheart. Scoring a B+ in fidelity doesn’t quite cut it.

    Asshole.

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:18 am

      Oh, that just earned a snort, I am sorry for the crap you have faced Scotty but B± that’s funny.

      • SAchump says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:16 am

        My STBX also wanted to be rewarded for all the ones he didn,t fck! He resisted them because he still loved me..as if the abscence of cheating deserved brownie points

        • Chump Princess says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:59 am

          So in Cheater World, the absence of green puke or orange-colored fecal matter is the equivalent of good health. WTF! It’s not what’s there, but what’s missing that makes all the difference? Do these Bozos even think about the crap that dribbles from their lips masquerading as coherent speech?

          Someone needs to create “Disordered Island” and ship all these cretins there. Quick! Da planes! Da planes!

          • Sammie D says

            July 22, 2014 at 7:13 pm

            Like

    • zyx321 says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:32 am

      Ooh, I forgot about this one. The H and I were having a discussion after I accused him of an affair with a colleague, and he told me how is is ALWAYS hit on and propositioned when traveling, at work ,etc. Claimed he never acted on it, even though given napkins with numbers, etc.
      Bitch cookie.

      Me, I think it you get hit on seriously enough to notice, you are sending out a vibe. I was never propositioned in 23 yrs.

      • scotty says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:04 pm

        Exactly this. Someone else said it today: Don’t. Act. Available.
        Next to impossible for these people – every cheater is an attention whore of some ilk.

        • lovehonorcherish says

          July 22, 2014 at 12:40 pm

          That’s it exactly! DON’T ACT AVAILABLE! I managed doing just that during our 17 years together and never had a problem. Stbxh gets one complement from TwatWaffle and the next thing you know two marriages have been destroyed! Stbxh said to me “Don’t you know there are women out there who are just looking for a man to f**k them…whether the man is married or not!” Ummm…any woman of quality is NOT DOING THAT!! LOL…now stbxh is stuck with this sterling example morally bankrupt trash : (

          • Roberta says

            July 22, 2014 at 6:54 pm

            I personally think it’s great when they get stuck with the piece of white trash that they thought was so wonderful! Just think, it won’t be long before she just can’t resist the next guy who drools her way! I’d give anything to see his face when he realizes he is being cheated on! I hope it hurts him deeply! Pay back is a b***h!

          • sodone says

            July 24, 2014 at 12:52 pm

            You know, Lovehonorcherish,
            That DON’T.ACT. AVAILABLE. works both ways!! when f tard tries to text and
            drown in his sorrows ( cause we know its always all about them) I DON’T.ACT.AVAILABLE!! Guess he can’t get ahold of one of his side bitches
            to play pity party, so I refuse to play. Then he goes into a text bombing rage
            about how I never cared. and I just giggle 🙂 “oh you’re losing your job?
            crickets..:oh you can’t catch a break, and in a downward spiral? crickets..
            sucks to be you asshole,

        • Sammie D says

          July 22, 2014 at 5:07 pm

          OMG, when we first got married mine always use to talk about how he had to put a copie of our marriage certificate on the wall near his desk to stop others from trying to pick him up.
          Don’t act avaliable, palm to forehead

        • Finally realized says

          July 23, 2014 at 1:31 pm

          YES to the attention whore. Yes, yes, yes.

  21. dslak says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:12 am

    My ex-wife was of the opinion that she should get credit for admitting up-front to having an affair, and that this isolated act of honesty trumped any complaints that might be made against her for, you know, having an affair.

    • nic says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:49 am

      Ugh. This.

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:21 pm

      Mine too. If I ever hear the phrase “But I told YOU about it” again, I will die from hysterical vomiting.

  22. singed says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:16 am

    “Guys do things because they feel guilty.” (“Things” referred to keeping an affair going so as not to upset the OW…apparently I was supposed to be sympathetic to this rationale).

    “If I keep choosing you, coming home to you, having sex with you, what’s the problem?”

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:31 am

      He wants credit for keeping an affair going so as to not upset the OW…huh.

      • singed says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:48 am

        Yes, because he may have told her he was going to divorce me to marry her, but he “obviously didn’t mean it!” He also wanted credit for downgrading his relationship with his affair partners to “just friends”. Uh huh, because THAT’S less hurtful for a chump to deal with (and never actually true). Bitch cookie.

      • Trying to Trust that He Sucks says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:33 pm

        WTF is with that? Yes. You have to keep putting your dick in her so she doesn’t cry. But you also admire her for HER INDEPENDENCE.

        Dear Asshole. Her neediness is NOT YOUR ASSET.

  23. ANC says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Forgot THIS one:

    Me: I have an appointment for STD testing because you fuck strangers without using condoms.

    Him: I don’t think you need to worry about LT MOW. She’s ” clean”.

    Me: WTF? You just told me your decade long , married fuckbuddy has not only had multiple affairs on her husband BUT she and her spouse engaged in”swinging”. Which means I have probably fucked half of LA county via three fucktards who cheat, screw for sport and most likely none of you assholes think about disease or protection!

    Me: Holy fuck! Based upon your timeline, I was also nursing our twins while you were fucking her and then fucking me…..

    Him: (crickets)

    • RJam says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:01 am

      omg, i was nursing my daughter while he was screwing around…..

      i just realized it reading your comment.

      • Linda2 says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:09 am

        I had to stop nursing my son when I caught my CH with one of his earlier whores.

    • zyx321 says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:27 am

      I got pregnant shortly after the affair stopped (I think).
      Never got testers for STDs because I foolishly believed it was not an affair (yup, I am a Chump).

      When I finally found out 12 yrs later, words cannot express the horror I felt that my child might have been born with birth defects because I might have had an STD.

  24. ThatGirl says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:18 am

    “Yeah but I go to work everyday!”

    He said this little nugget during one of our “why he is a cheating, lying asshole” conversations.

    As if him holding down a regular job was so awe inspiring that I should drop to my knees and praise Jesus for bringing me such a good man.

    Nevermind that he regularly skimmed money from his paycheck, and ran up huge tax debts from secretly dipping into his 401K from his job. Nah…don’t think about that, just give him a cookie for working like an adult.

    • ReDefiningMe says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:35 am

      Ugh. It’s typical cheater speak that they should somehow be rewarded for doing what any average, everyday adult does. Just blech.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:34 am

      God bless the 401K and 403B plans that require a spousal signature. Mine does. My exH’s (not the cheater) does not. I had the same tax problems with him. Drinkers are as hard on finances as cheaters, sorry to say.

  25. chumpalot says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:19 am

    When I first found out about the sexual affairs, I said to him “Why couldn’t have you just watched porn? That would have been a lot better than cheating on me!” His response? Sounding like a 5 year old whiny little boy not getting his way, he said “But I already tried that!”

    When asked how he could kiss, lick, fuck someone else and come home acting totally normal, then kiss me on the lips, kiss our children, and have sex with me later . ??? His response to defend was, “I washed really good in between”.

    Bitch cookies X 2 shoved way up his arse.

    • Lisah says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:56 am

      Unfortunately most of these middle aged cheaters would like that way too much.
      What is it with middle aged men and anal sex?
      A friend of mine is a nurse and she has a very long list of things guys have put up there. Bicycle chain. ‘nuf said

    • Suz says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:54 am

      Yeah,

      • Suz says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:56 am

        mine also claimed that he never “crossed the streams” by having sex with both of us without showering first… WTF?

    • Datdamwuf says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      At least your cheater bathed in between…

    • ChumpDad says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:00 pm

      OMG!!! I had kissed my wife after she gave asshole OM a BJ!!! OMFG!!!!

      • Datdamwuf says

        July 23, 2014 at 12:42 pm

        what my ex did was worse ChumpDad…

        • ChumpDad says

          July 23, 2014 at 3:50 pm

          sorry to hear that.

  26. Carrie says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Not long after I found out about his current gf I found out about a previous affair partner. When I confronted him about this woman, he stated that they only slept together a few times and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. “This kind of thing happens all the time.” Bitch cookie.

    • Finally realized says

      July 23, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      In his life, maybe! Wow, and you are just being dramatic over minor shit like that.

  27. ANC says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Oh yeah and this one:

    Him: I told LT MOW that as soon as our affair hurt my family, I was going to end it.

    Me: (crickets this time. when does having an affair while committed to someone else EVER not hurt a family? The key word for asshat is family, which denotes the kids only and doesn’t include me, the wife.)

    Or this:

    Him: We often discussed ( asshat and LT MOW) how our affair was making it possible for me to be a better father to my kids.

    • Finally realized says

      July 23, 2014 at 12:55 pm

      Wait, he was going to wait UNTIL his affair hurt his family to end it? How about ending it BEFORE then? How about not starting it in the first place? Isn’t it amazing how they convince themselves and each other how admirably they’re behaving? It’s the weirdest.

  28. ReDefiningMe says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Ugh. I think I was married to the Bitch Cookie Jar.

    “All the women at work want me; none of them can figure out why I married you. I always defend you, and tell them that you’re really smart, a great mom, and you love me.”

    “When people talk about how fat you are, I tell them that you’re a good person.”

    “I’ve never punched you in the face.”

    “You wanted kids – I let you have two…” (This from the guy who claimed to LOVE children and want a whole house-full.)

    “I bring home my check.” (yeah, but you pocket pay from a secret side job; lie about it; and set up one of your girlfriends in a posh condo with a car…while bitching all the time about how broke we are…and that was all my fault)

    “I pay child support when I can…” (This from the guy who’s made 6 partial payments in over six years – has paid about $2,000 and owes almost $100,000…all after taking me to court to be declared “indigent” – and then driving a new $80,000 car and buying a $400,000 house. What a giver.

    It’s no wonder I’m fat – I’ve been eating lots of cookies 🙂

    • Jamberry says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:56 am

      Ugh, wish we could tag team punch the asshole. I don’t care how dated the term, you are phat (and phabulous) for divorcing him! Good riddance!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:37 am

        And there’s nothing like getting rid of 200+ pounds of Cheating Jackass to jump start a diet.

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      “I’VE NEVER PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE”? What on earth?

    • sparklykangaroo says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:04 pm

      Assailed will almost always pull the overweight card

  29. ReDefiningMe says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Oh, another good one…

    “I don’t lie about the important stuff…”

    (like having multiple girlfriends the whole time we were married…but that’s not important…?)

    • NorthernLight says

      July 23, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      Mine said, “I only lied a couple of times.”

  30. luv2sewtjr says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Coming out of lurkdom…

    “I can’t help it women are attracted to me.”

    Stop. Acting. Available.

    • ReDefiningMe says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:37 am

      OMG – I got that too – all the time.

      Like he was some Magic Magnet to women, and none of them could help themselves. And he should be rewarded for fighting off MOST of them. Ugh.

      • Finally realized says

        July 23, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    • Chump Lady says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:13 am

      Give him a baseball bat.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:17 am

        Pepper spray

        • Einstein says

          July 22, 2014 at 7:20 pm

          Good one, ML!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:38 am

      A fine first contribution. Bitch cookie!

    • Polly says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:35 pm

      omgomgomg…..”I am a target for women”……can’t believe someone would say that…

  31. LiningUpDucks says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:48 am

    “I’m a great husband. I don’t beat you.”

    Well, yay for him. Bitch mother-effing-cookie. He’s a cop, so I guess he was comparing himself to all the low-lifes he arrests.

    • nic says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:57 am

      It’s all relative, isn’t it? The ow appeared in my h’s life when he was associating with low lifes in the business world – nothing illegal, rather scuzzy people who promised him the world. He got fucked over financially by his “best friend” right after dday. All of the sudden, my obsession w the timeline of events of my screwing-over made all kinds of sense as he retraced his business relationship. Both of us head in hands saying “how did i let this happen?!?! How was i so stupid and blind?!?” Lucky for him, no contact was as easy as a text and send.

      All this to say, when you run with dogs, you get fleas. But when all the dogs have them, you don’t feel gross and itchy, you feel like a part of the gang. His was a mangy gang indeed.

    • Mehphista says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:17 am

      Oh, I got that one, too, Ducks.

      I was also informed that he cheated because I didn’t give him enough respect.

      Never mind bitch cookies, there is a bitch bakery on its way.

      • Chumpalicious says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:02 am

        Yeah, the respect thing — I am STILL getting it. He did apologize in a letter for leaving the way he did — he said his head was messed up — “BUT, I wasn’t respected…..”

        We’ve got different definitions of respect apparently. His seems to mean that I should take every sneer and condescending wisecrack without complaint.

        Pleading you felt disrespected doesn’t cut it if you’re not acting respectable.

        • Mehphista says

          July 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

          Bazinga, Chumpalicious, just indicates how disordered disordered can be.

          When I pointed out respect is a two way thing, he hung up on me, LOL. Except it is not funny, because that is what abusers say.

          But, hey, at least he didn’t hit me, right?!

          Bitch cookies, a baker’s dozen on their way via Karma Bus!

          • Chumpalicious says

            July 22, 2014 at 1:00 pm

            I know what ‘respect’ actually means to him now — as in getting respect from the OW:

            Being awestruck by whatever bullcrap comes out of his mouth as if it were high philosophical wisdom. (She’s 20 years younger and stupid — she’s probably not faking it like I would have to)

            Being available for hot sex at a moments notice, in positions and venues I wouldn’t cotton to.

            The world is being run by chauvinistic creeps like my ex. No wonder it’s such a mess.

            • Mehphista says

              July 22, 2014 at 5:37 pm

              Bitch cookies are easy to choke on.

              Mr Fab gets the sort of respect he thinks he deserves, and is welcome to it, kibbles and all.

              I have self-respect now. Way better for you, and tastier!

              hugs!

            • Finally realized says

              July 23, 2014 at 2:48 pm

              “she’s probably not faking it like I would have to”

              Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  32. DoneNow says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:54 am

    I was so hoping you would do this!

  33. P.F says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Wife said ” I got that Brazilian Wax for you too”

    How about a pube bitch cookie with sparkles on it babe.

    • kb says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:45 am

      Wow, so you get to share a Brazilian Wax with OM? That’s a very big bitch cookie.

      • P.F says

        July 22, 2014 at 1:49 pm

        Yeah, my cheating ex-wife believed it was an altruistic Brazilian Wax….lol..

        Well. I kicked her and her shaven vagina to the curb.

  34. AtomicFireball9 says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:01 am

    My two favorites:

    “Having sex with the other woman makes me want you more.”

    and

    “But I always came home to you!”

    • Flora says

      July 23, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      My husband actually called the OW one morning to thank her for the great sex he’d had the night before with me. Asshole.

  35. jcco says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:01 am

    After I found out, I was stupid enough to take his continuous lies ad believe his sincerity until I found his secret phone and him professing she was his everything, how he loved her, his early morning text “Good morning lover”, “Good morning princess”… this is how he used to reference me, he refers to as mommy. The best ones he said directly to me were I didn’t mean for it to go this far, I waited as long as I could and I just couldn’t walk away. I saved the best for last.. the room light up when she walks in..our daughter said its because she looks like a transvestite!

    • Finally realized says

      July 23, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      OMG. Kudos to your daughter! LOL.

  36. Marci says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:03 am

    “She doesn’t hold a candle to you” (OK so why is she is your bed instead of your wife)

    “Why can’t I have a friend? I’m a sociable guy! I can’t help that she fell in love with me. Telling her no would disappoint her”

    “She asked to see the house so I thought it best to show her while you were out”

    “She liked the dress you were,wearing in that photo and wanted to try it on”

    “She was engaged to an abusive guy but didn’t want to marry him. I was just comforting her and we fell in love”

    • kimmy says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:11 am

      “She asked to see the house so I thought it best to show her while you were out!”….seriously?????!!!!! What a freakin brain thrust!!!!!! TRY YOUR DRESS ON??? Omg! Honestly, how did you not plunge a knife into his chest?

      • Marci says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:20 am

        Kimmy,
        Actually, as I have described here previously, it was HE who actually attacked me with a knife, held it to my throat while screaming obscenities…because he was caught red handed…cheating. I was only saved by the swift response of a neighbour who called the police.

        Beware. Cheaters not only have sex on the side. Sometimes they have far more evil intent. This is why everyone should run like hell when they show you wha they are capable of.

        • ThatGirl says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:29 am

          “Beware. Cheaters not only have sex on the side. Sometimes they have far more evil intent. This is why everyone should run like hell when they show you wha they are capable of.”

          I so agree with this. I really think the cheating is a symptom of deeper fuckupedness. How else can they sleep with AP, then come home sleep with their spouse and not skip a beat? We call it lying, but it’s much more than that.

          I’m glad you were able to get away safely.

        • Ms. Shepp says

          July 23, 2014 at 10:02 pm

          He attacked you b’cause he was caught red-handed. They hate to be found out, don’t they? Not a regular hate, but an all-out rage. My stbx made an audio recording online teaching women how to make their breast larger by massage, so they could be “smokin hot.” When I heard it I thought I was going to be sick. OMFG, who was he?

          Oh, back to the point, when I asked him what was going on (I was crying) he threatened to “take me out.” Take me out. Not out to dinner, but “out” in the way the mafia does it. God.

    • ThatGirl says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:26 am

      The OW wanted to try on your clothes??!!!!!

      I swear cheaters are space aliens that wear human suits. Who the hell does shit like that!?

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:56 am

      Mine brought OW to our house while I was at work too. I only knew this because he cruelly volunteered this information to me on DDay. Later, he claimed it was appropriate because “dozens of times, Muse, whenever we argued you always threatened to move out!” (Never happened. Ever.) Bitch cookie!

      • Suz says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:58 am

        OMG, I never thought about the possibility that the OW was in my closet… I may have to purge everything and start a new wardrobe.

        • TheMuse says

          July 22, 2014 at 12:22 pm

          Suz, when I horrifiedly asked him was she in our bedroom? he said yes, he gave her a tour of the whole house, and I asked “what did you talk about while you were standing in OUR bedroom??!!” he said, “Not much. She just said, ‘where are all the girlie things?'” — seemingly implying I am not very feminine?? or something. Funny, I’ve seen her picture and she looks like a moose, with an adams apple.

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 22, 2014 at 8:37 pm

            That comment always makes me want to fight–whether she said it or he made it up. I’d like to smack both of them upside their stupid heads.

  37. Full Steam Ahead says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:07 am

    On the night my ex coped to not only the man I suspected but also doing sexual things with MEN from bars, she followed that with “But that’s not why I am divorcing you.”

    • dslak says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      Yeah, this one sounds familiar. “Why do you keep insisting that my affair has anything to do with our divorce? Just because I said I was leaving you at the same time I told you I was having an affair does not mean they are related.”

  38. ForgeOn! says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Oh, WOW!!! The ‘Nation’ needs its own cookie company! Some seriously sick freaks out there! Too bad we were married to them!

    Here’s my (very mild) contribution to this thread:

    “At least I was home at night!”
    Isn’t that sorta what saying “I do” implies?! That you be home with your spouse?!

    He carried on with last MOW during the day because during the day, her kids (his great-niece & nephew, by the way—-yeah, he was banging his nephew’s wife!) were at daycare. So, daytime was the easiest / safest time to carry on at her place. Once evening came, kids were home…….

    “It was only one time!”

    —-referring to flying her out-of-state to meet him while he was working out-of–state. Stupid! It should have been ‘none time’! (—see reason above—-)

    Cookies all around!!!!!

    Forge on, Nation!!!!

  39. kimmy says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:08 am

    “I only took her out to dinner once!”……..bitch cookie!

    “Your breasts are WAY better than hers!”……….bitch cookie!

  40. Jamberry says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:09 am

    I love how my vocabulary expands after reading this site!

    The closest I have to a bitch cookie is “I tried but it was very hard.” I think this means that he made great efforts to make the marriage work and it was impossible because I was too difficult. Oh, I just spotted a yellow-bellied bullshitter!

  41. LilyBart says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Mine bragged that he would never hit a woman and that if someone ever attacked me, he would kill them with his bare hands. Throwing breakable items across the room and screaming at me? Not breaking the rules, apparently. It was as if he learned relationship skills from nature documentaries,

    • GladIt'sOver says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:56 am

      LilyBart, this made me literally LOL! “relationship skills from nature documentaries” Ha!

  42. MN Moved On says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:12 am

    After discovering his 17-year affair with the neighbor, which was imploded when she found out he had been cheating on her with the TwatWaffle from the church choir for the past two years:

    “But at least neither of them got pregnant!”

    Buddy, the Girl Scouts don’t have enough Bitch Cookies for you!

    • Red says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:36 am

      Wow – so it only came to light when he cheated on OW? It’s okay to cheat on YOU but not on HER? These people are all idiots!

      • MN Moved On says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:54 am

        Yup. Reading the bitchy emails flying back and forth between the two OWs was hysterical in retrospect, although at the time I wanted to vomit. First OW justified her behavior by claiming she “respected” me – idiot!

        On the plus side, it made it a no-brainer to toss his ass out without a backwards glance. No attempt at reconciliation possible.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      “But at least neither of them got pregnant.”–Case of Thin Mints for this prince of a guy.

  43. Marci says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

    “I regret nothing about the affair besides having hurt you”

    “I just needed some time with each of you to consider my choices”

    “She is more needy than you. You will be fine going it alone”

    From the OW:

    “You were mean to talk him into stopping smoking”
    “you were a beotch to throw him out just because he cheated”
    “I enjoyed sleeping in your bed. It’s really comfy. Lucky you travel on business”
    “You looked so prim and proper in your photo. How dare you swear at me!”

    • lale says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:25 am

      “She is more needy than you. You will be fine going it alone”
      I’ve gotten that one. UGH.

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:53 am

      LOL Marci, “I just needed some time with each of you to consider my choices” Mine said: “Don’t you BELIEVE that I still love you??!!! I did tell you that I wished there were two of me, so one could be with you and one with her!!”

      Have a big, double, cookie.

    • kimmy says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:19 am

      Yeah…….I heard…..”I just needed to get IT out of my system”! Yeaaaa…not sure that could really ever happen!!!!!

      “IT” is the selfishness you were born with fuckwad!

    • ChumpBlocker says

      July 23, 2014 at 11:41 am

      “I enjoyed sleeping in your bed. It’s really comfy. Lucky you travel on business”

      Please tell me you punched her in her cheating face when you said that!

  44. tflan386 says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Three memorable comments from the cheating ex-husband:
    1. Our marriage seems to have gone flat.
    2. I never planned to have an affair – one thing just led to another .
    3. The OW is a lovely lady – she never meant to hurt you.

    • Marci says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:23 am

      Yes, they love to describe the OW in glowing terms. My OW was described as a fashionista until I actually laid eyes on the whale. Then I had the biggest laugh ever. She is massive…and the sick fuck pimps her out on adult work dot com.

  45. DoneNow says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:23 am

    He wouldn’t help me did a hole for a tree with his children because his time was “worth more than that.” He eventually did it alone but made sure we knew how degrading it was. Here, honey, the kids baked you a cookie.

    After I told him I wanted a divorce, he very half-heartedly kept telling me that all he really wanted was me. Um…here all the time and you’re still with someone else. Here’s your cookie.

    When in counseling and finding out about the affairs, money, prostitutes, etc., I dumped out a bottle of his high dollar shampoo while in the shower. The shampoo made me mad because it was one of the many items he had purchased to help him pick up women. It was cathartic. It was the topic of an entire counseling session because I was petty and mean and out to get him. I had “destroyed a present given to him by his parents.” It was the act of a violent and angry woman. He didn’t know how he would forgive me. Would this cookie help?

    I had just found out about the prostitutes and was devastated. I was taking the children to my sisters for Spring Break. I asked him not to come with us. He agreed. Then he bought himself a whole box bitch cookies in the form of a first class trip to Norway.

    During conversation above about vacation, I told him my sister knew everything and would probably kick him in the balls if she saw him right now. Later, he claimed that my sister had “threatened him with physical violence.” She’s 5’1″, has never hit anyone, never treated him with anything but love and kindness, and looked up to him like a big brother. You poor thing! Have a cookie.

    During divorce turned on the sad eyes, and said, “Are you sure you want to do this? I’m really a good guy. Everyone else thinks so.” Does that include the woman you are sleeping with now? Yeah, you’re great, but you’d better duck, ’cause here comes a cookie.

    Sent me an email recently about how miserable he is, how he regrets the mistakes he made, and said he is “exiled” to country where he works, for his transgressions. They wait on him hand and foot in this place of exile. He even has a driver. I was a good wife and he should have appreciated me while he “had” me. I guess whoever does him laundry is not really keeping up with it to his liking. Not once in this email did he reference the pain he had caused me and the children or wonder how we were doing. Sending you a box of cookies.

    I could go on and on…

    • DoneNow says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:30 am

      That’s supposed to be “dig” a hole, not “did.”

      • Wastedheart says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:52 am

        Seems correct. You asked him to dig a hole; he retaliated and “did” a hole. A bunch of them by the sound of it. 😉

        • DoneNow says

          July 22, 2014 at 10:35 am

          Ha! I have no idea how many. Thank God I didn’t ask him to plant some seeds.

          • Wastedheart says

            July 22, 2014 at 2:44 pm

            Giggling ….

      • Syringa says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:16 pm

        Done Now…You should have peed in his expensive shampoo. You would have been doing him a favor, diluting it and all, making it lasting longer, thereby him having more of it, to pick up women. Bitch shampoo.

  46. Moving Liquid says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:32 am

    I couldn’t think of a bitch cookie so I went to my journal since d-day nine months ago to see if I could find a juicy one. I read and read and read. And now I’m fucking depressed. Remind me not to do that again.

    I don’t have a bitch cookie.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:46 am

      You made it through all that pain and you are here, better than ever. That’s more important than a bitch cookie!

    • Mary says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:23 am

      When I read back all my journals, I went into major depression… I burned them all, can’t go back to them anymore.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 10:47 am

        Very good idea, Mary.

      • lovehonorcherish says

        July 23, 2014 at 8:14 am

        As soon as my divorce is finalized I plan to burn every card, letter and gift (those that can’t be sold at least) that stbxh gave me during the year of false R. Not only does it make my skin crawl to realize what a sick, twisted, manipulative liar he is…but when I look at those things I absolutely cringe in shame and humiliation! I can’t believe I tried to save a marriage to a man who, for all intents and purposes, tortured me emotionally for a year without batting an eyelash. I truly believe that had I not made the move to divorce, stbxh would have gone on quite happily being married to me and lying right to my face about the AP. In fact, I know it!! He didn’t have the balls to tell me he was still involved…SHE did that! He didn’t have the balls to file for divorce either…I did that!! What a weak, selfish coward he turned out to be : (

        • Monika says

          July 23, 2014 at 9:05 am

          It’s not the balls, Mary. It’s the cake.

    • zyx321 says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:36 am

      It’s ok ML. I only one or two minor ones (It was only once, etc).

      My exH is just a run of the mill cheater.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:11 pm

        Yes, mine insists he started up with her after we separated. So him being gone 7 night a week before that was completely innocent. Right.

    • redless says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      ML, Forget the bitch cookie, I’m giving you a REAL cookie. they taste waaaaay better than the shitty one you’d give your fuckwad partner 🙂

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:33 pm

        Thank you, redress. It’s delish.

        • Moving Liquid says

          July 22, 2014 at 2:33 pm

          Oops sorry, redless. (autocorrect).

    • NorthernLight says

      July 23, 2014 at 9:25 pm

      Yeah, I don’t want to re-read those journals from the worst months. (I went through numerous journals and pens in those first months.) I will save them, but I don’t plan to re-reading them any time soon. If ever.

  47. Wastedheart says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Re: compulsive lying “But I only lie about my relationships with women ….”

    About adult dating site profiles: “But I never participated…” Me: Having a profile with all of your info is participating. Him: “But I never communicated …” Me: What about the craigslist exchanges? Him: “But I never met up ….”

    Re: Multiple affairs .. ” It should give you some comfort that there was not very frequent encounters” Yet he still chose to omit some of the interludes in his disclosure so as to get the bitch cookie for the infrequency favor.

    Re: The OW. “These were ALL women from my past – I would never had started anything up with a soccer mom or a neighbor, etc.” Not sure why this somehow lessens the betrayal, and still doesn’t apply to the profiles on match, mate1, ashley madison and overweightdate, but whatever.

    Re: The afternoon of a particular encounter at a rest stop with the wife of his college roomate: “I emailed her that evening (while I was cooking and caring for my daughter after a full day’s work) that the encounter had made me feel dirty.” Of course that affair, and the other two he was having that apparently did not require a similar hair shirt initiative, continued.

    And this deserves a prize, I think — As to the repeated episodes of unprotected sex with the women he had twice impregnated due to her alleged trickery: “How could you not use protection?” Him: “She told me not to worry, that she was “safe.” I suppose He deserves a big bitch cookie for proceeding only after receiving this sterling assurance.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:48 am

      Big bitch cookie for not having an affair with a neighbor. Just the wife of his college roommate.

      • ANC says

        July 22, 2014 at 1:21 pm

        Oh god! Forgot that one too(adult websites and profiles)

        Me: You have a profile on Adult Friend Finders. Tell me about the number of people you have hooked up with using that site.

        Him: That site is a rip off! It’s supposed to be free, but they hook you and they STILL charge you a fee to see your matches!

        Me: (crickets)

        Him: The other sites (probably Ashley Madison types, Match.com) require an immediate membership fee before you can even make a profile!

        ======

        Wow.

        • LovedaJackass says

          July 22, 2014 at 8:45 pm

          Maybe Ashley Madison can come out with a brand of bitch cookies for its clientele.

  48. Red says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:41 am

    After confronting him about the Victoria’s Secret invoice I found where he bought lingerie for OW: “It wasn’t lingerie. It was underwear.”

    Because giving underwear to someone in your employ is more acceptable than giving lingerie? What am I missing here?

    Bitch cookie!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      This boggles my mind. Like you are supposed to be OK with him buying underwear for another woman? Sheesh.

      • Joan says

        September 21, 2014 at 12:02 pm

        Well, theoretically, there could be a situation where his employee got her period unexpectedly, and he, angel that he is, hastily bought her a fiver pack of new boring cotton underpants at some supermarket, so that she would not have to walk around in bloody underpants. Just theoretically.

        Victoria’s Secret on the other hand … they don’t sell decent, respectable “underwear”. I would know, for I only wear cotton underwear, and I never saw anything I would wear in the Victoria’s Secret ads.

  49. TheMuse says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:48 am

    “What I did was wrong and you didn’t deserve it but I am reading everything you write and listening to everything you say.”

    What a great guy! Then he also complained that I was “biting the hand that reached out” to me by being angry at him and not appreciating how nicely he was handling his betrayal of me.

    Bitch Cookie!

  50. lale says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:52 am

    “She wouldn’t take no for an answer.” With a straight face. Well let’s get you to the hospital for a rape kit, bucko.

    • kimmy says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

      lale…………I’m sorry but that just brought a smile to my face! (the rape kit part!) Yeah….he was date raped!! Couldn’t happen to a nicer person, right?!

    • Doop says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:46 am

      Is it wrong that I’ve been laughing about this one all morning?

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 8:47 pm

        Yeah, me too. The cheater “rape” kit comes with…a bitch cookie.

      • Finally realized says

        July 23, 2014 at 3:03 pm

        You mean she thought his no meant yes? Poor fella! He’s just a victim! LOL.

  51. Chump Princess says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:52 am

    “What do you mean I never cared about you? Didn’t I get up and drive you to the train in the morning?” Well, gee, thanks for waking up and driving 5 minutes so that I could get to work every day. You wouldn’t have gotten up and gone to your own job if I didn’t need to go to work? Have a bitch cookie.

    “It wasn’t like the last time with the other woman – she wasn’t calling me trying to get me to cheat on you.”

    Well, I guess that makes it all okay then. Why exactly was she calling you since she made it quite clear that she wanted to have an affair and get you to leave me 20 years ago? She suddenly got a hankering to do a well-being check? I’ll give both of you a bitch cookie.

    “I wasn’t going out every night like a lot of men. I was home with you most of the time.”

    Woo-Hoo! You were home with me looking at porn and texting your Ho, but hey, take a bitch cookie. You earned it.

    “I really like you. I don’t want us not to be able to be friends. I would hate to have to stop talking to you.”

    Oooh! Lucky me! A friend who loves me enough to lie, cheat, steal, gaslight, blameshift and stab me in the back, but who doesn’t want to “have to stop” talking to me. Well, damn! I’m scared. Have a bitch cookie.

    • Wastedheart says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:55 am

      I got the “I liked being home at night with you, not like some other guys” line too!

      • Bitch Cookie Nazi says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:51 pm

        OMG, Chump Princess, I received that same ‘excuse’: “What I did wasn’t so wrong.”

        And…” A lot of guys stay out all night, drinking, doing drugs, and cheating.”

        And how exactly did he know that? NO cookie for you!

  52. lisa says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Where to start, he did tell me how lucky I was he didn’t beat me and hang out in bars. He equated making my lunches with giving me affection, and love. He once compared his cheating to my not folding his underwear the way he likes. He told me hadn’t cheated on me in ten years…I did the math and in our 20 year marriage he was faithful about 40% of the time, is that a good thing? He told me he didn’t tell me about the romantic cruise he took with an old flame right before our 20 year anniversary was because he didn’t want to hurt me. He rationalized each and every affair to me one day as me not being open enough with him “well they were open and you are not.” Like I can be open with a lying cheat. When I asked him how I could be sure he wouldn’t cheat again he told me “you know how to do that.” Meaning, it was up to me to keep him happy enough so he doens’t cheat and the ultimate cookie, moments after I found out about the newest betrayal and my world was spinning out from under me, he said (in front of our teenage son) “well, I told you to be nicer to me. I warned you.” Yes he did warn me one night as I cleaned up the dinner dishes and months after he had already started on online EA with his old flame, he said “You need to be nicer to me for the next few months.” What he didn’t say was, I met up with my old GF on facebook and I am planning a romantic vacation with her, so you should be nice to the lying, selfish jerk that I am, so I don’t leave you. Oh, one more, I was in grad school when he started his affair so one more of his excuses for cheating, “you didn’t have to make all A’s.” Implying my school work caused his affair.

    • Walking It says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:39 am

      We are married to the same man. “I warned you to be nicer to me”.

  53. Mehphista says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Mr Fab (according to FB evidence) bought two bottles of vodka and screwed the Downgrade in the living room while I was away working and DD was asleep (I really effing hope asleep) down the hall.

    When confornted, Mr Fab said, “I only did that ONCE.”

    Perhaps not quite a bitch cookie. Here is another:

    “Well, at least I didn’t give you syphilis”

    Thanks for the LOLs, Chump Nation!

    x-Meh

  54. Annie says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:02 am

    “If it wouldn’t have been for all the stuff I did while you were going through cancer treatment…your focus would have been on you instead of me. See…I saved your life”

    MOFO! And, huge BITCH COOKIE

    • Mary says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Can it be possible that someone says such aberration?!, what is wrong with people!!

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Annie, I thought I was getting use to how low and self serving these assholes can be but your post has just floored me..
      I pray you are in good health and the karma bus runs his ass over.

      • Annie says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:14 pm

        Sammy D
        Yup. It took four years and a crap load of bullshit to finally leave his pathetic, small, piece of shit self. However, I am healthy and living a stress free life. He is a lonely old ass face living the same sad and lonely life he deserves! I’m sure that pisses him off that I survived.

      • Annie says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:19 pm

        This is something that everyone living with a fucking loser should think very carefully about. If you ever become ill, they don’t just magically change who they are to take care of you. No freakin way! You become an even bigger target because now you are weaker than ever. If the person you are with abuses you or mistreats you in any way…get out!!! Your life truly depends on it. There is no way of growing old…healthfully..with a narcissist.

        • Syringa says

          July 22, 2014 at 7:28 pm

          Thanks Annie. This is very good advice. I always knew this was true about my XH. I was his caretaker for a year during our marriage and I took good care of him and he’d tell you that but I always knew deep down that if the tables were turned he’d suck at it. If I so much as got a headache he would get so annoyed and snap at me to ‘take some kind of pill’…… pretty much telling me to shut the fuck up. Immediately.Shut.The.Fuck.Up! He never wanted to hear one thing that I was going through. Then he cheated and ran off with Mud Face. Lucky her.
          Did I mention how much he drinks?

          • ANR says

            July 22, 2014 at 7:44 pm

            I think you may have mentioned his drinking, yes.

          • Annie says

            July 22, 2014 at 7:49 pm

            Yeah, my ex mofo drank too. I always figured he drank to forget who HE was.

            • LovedaJackass says

              July 22, 2014 at 8:49 pm

              I had a drinker first and then a cheater. Working on that picker…

              • no more free cake says

                July 24, 2014 at 9:55 pm

                The creep I was involved with was and still is a very active boozer. He really enjoyed flushing down the beers following that with sticking his dirty dong into some real fugly looking women. Good times for them. What is it with these drunken barfly cheaters. I really believe they just wait around for some desperate women to get wasted so they can have their creepy way with them. The two seem to go together – boozing and bad judgement with their dongs. My advice for anyone is to stay away from any person that “belongs” to a particular bar. Big. Red. Flag.

  55. sodone says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:05 am

    I’m sure many of you have this one, whether out of EA, or missed opportunity. “At least I didn’t stick my dick in her”

    Can anyone say — BITCH COOKIE BITCH COOKIE BITCH COOKIE!!!

  56. Sewandsews says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Me: Have you slept with any of my friends?
    Asshat: No that’s a sure way to get caught.
    Bitch cookie

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:50 pm

  57. quicksilver says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

    My STBX is a master of whining for bitch cookies. Even though he is home all day while I work for a living, I better notice any little thing he does around the house “to help me”. Because of course all the responsibility is mine. I am supposed to praise him when he does the dishes, but oh yeah, at the same time he stopped taking out the trash.
    Not exactly a win for me.

    Some of his best ones:
    “I even defended you when Sally called you an ugly bitch.”
    “I’ll stop seeing OW if you buy me a new bicycle.”

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:51 pm

      Is he twelve? A nice bike?

  58. Mary says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:21 am

    I finally decided to file for divorce after many years of deceptions. My husband used to tell me: “If you are not happy, you know what do you, get a divorce and finish with it!” I did file, we are negotiating and are finally in the conclusion of procedures. And guess what he says now: “I never wanted to divorce, I am not ready now… If i sign the paper it will be over and you can find somebody else.”

    • TodoVa says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      “If i sign the paper it will be over and you can find someone else.”

      PROMISE? Yes, gladly…let it be over and I welcome finding some else!!! Where’s the dotted line?!?!

  59. sodone says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Here is another- (there are so many he sends by text) “I cry everyday I miss your hugs
    and kisses” Well here is the whole bag of bitch cookies.

    • Bitch Cookie Nazi says

      July 22, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Oh yeah, the ex told me that he “missed our naked bodies together”.
      Can we still be friends and have sex, huh, can we, huh?
      Here, go get naked with this box of bitch cookies.

  60. chumptotheend says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Mine said that the first time he had sex with her , because she had suddenly lost about 70 lbs in about 4 months that he was really grossed out by all her hanging skin and had a hard time getting hard!
    WTF? So that was so wonderful you had to continue on for the next six months before I found out and then continue on after too?
    He also said ” She doesn’t have anyone in the world not even one friend and that’s all she really needs is just a friend.”
    WTF? Did he even stop to consider that if a 50 yr old woman doesn’t have any friends at all there might be a reason for that? Perhaps she is so rotten that people just can’t tolerate her or they might bleed to death from all the back stab wounds?
    And then he said after D-day in an attempt to console me ” Well at least you know I only cheated on you with somebody I really loved”.
    WTF? They makes it all the worse in my book!

  61. He'sGone says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:36 am

    my STBX husband said he cheated on me because I didn’t thank him for the two times he emptied the dishwasher!

  62. zyx321 says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Said to me by a friend:
    I thought you knew about the affair because you confronted him at my house.
    Bitch cookie.

    It was denied, of course, and I am a chump……
    Still torn about this friend. I should have been told as soon as he knew…..

  63. GladIt'sOver says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:40 am

    First time he admitted he was fucking men, he insisted he only did hand jobs, nothing further. Like that made it better or something. Of course, he was lying anyway, he did EVERYTHING there is to do with other guys.

    After divorce, he refused to pay half of our son’s braces, even though this was part of the divorce agreement. Said that the fact that he picked up son for visitation, then brought him back home after their dinners together counted as his half of the braces. He lived ONE MILE away from my apartment.

  64. chumptotheend says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Oh yeah he told me that he loved me and was still in love with me and that he would never “trade me in for her” and that I was 10 times the woman she was but that he was not willing to give her up and then proceeded to spend the entire day of our wedding anniversary with her and wouldn’t answer his phone when I tried to find out what was up and why was he gone all day? When he finally came home he said ” Well I thought that you wanted to spend the day sleeping because you haven’t been doing much of that lately? Of course not! How does one sleep at all after d_day for a while!?
    He also told me that she was just the sweetest person in the world …this after he tried to break up with her once and she sent him text msgs saying things like she was going to fuck up everything he loved and that she would torture his loved ones because he doesn’t just get to walk away. Only she gets to say when he can walk away ……and then proceeds to call me names and say that our daughter is a big fat brat…When she is nothing of the sort. WTF? Whenever he would say stupid stuff like that and I would remind him of the BS she has pulled against him and me, he gets kinda amazed that he would forget and then acknowledge that she did but it somehow didn’t seem to bother him or it just didn’t register he got a far away look on his face ……it was weird!

  65. sodone says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:42 am

    ML,
    try not to feel depressed by reading your journal. Lot’s of us on here have one.
    Instead when you go back and read, see the good things that justified you staying
    in the relationship and trying to make things work, and see the things that justify where
    you are now. You made good decisions all the way around, and there is really nothing
    you can do about the choices he made. His choices=his problems to deal with.

    HUGS!!!

    • Moving Liquid says

      July 22, 2014 at 10:43 am

      Thanks, sodone. I appreciate your support. I’m down now, but it’ll pass. 🙂

      • Marci says

        July 22, 2014 at 10:47 am

        My journals just reinforce my resolve to keep my distance from the Evil Ones.

        • Moving Liquid says

          July 22, 2014 at 11:03 am

          Yes, Marci, they remind me of how horrible he really was, which I need, but don’t enjoy because it hurts all over again.

  66. Marci says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:45 am

    “I ran into her in a local bar when she was out with friends. She was drunk, so I saw her home safely in a cab. Just because she claims I stayed the night doesn’t mean I did. I was just trying to be a good friend” — bitch cookie for the orgasms she thanked you for the following day in an email…

    “Yes I subsequently asked her out to dinner to make sure she knew I wasn’t just using her the night she was drunk” — if they didn’t have sex then why would she think he had used her?

    “She is so needy and keeps threatening suicide if I don’t see her” bingo! Natural selection!
    Sorry if it sounds cruel, but why not call the men in the white coats instead of letting her rape you.

    “She has nothing but debt. She needs your understanding and my support. But I need to live with you in the meantime”. [cheater gets pushed out door and locks changed]. No cookie for him.

  67. LovedaJackass says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:51 am

    When asked, during the gaslighting phase, why he suddenly was spending less time with me: “I don’t feel appreciated.” This while he was in the middle of the FB affair with MOW and spending several thousand dollars I had put in his business account.

    “I really did feel bad when you cat died.” Just not enough to call or come to the house to comfort me.

    My birthday fell at the worst of the gaslighting phase. I had asked him if he intended to spend any time with me, and he showed up in time to take me for hamburgers and to a movie. He didn’t bring a gift, but came in waving the birthday cards around, awkward as an adolescent. The day after D-Day, I asked why he had carried out the farce around my birthday he said, “I came over, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t care.”

    Little bitch cookies.

    • Lyn says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:25 am

      I have a friend who’s husband took her for their 25th anniversary to Vegas. Later she found out he was texting the OW the whole time they were there. When she asked him why he carried out such a farce he said “because I wanted to give you the full 25 years.” Bitch cookie with chocolate chips.

    • sodone says

      July 24, 2014 at 10:35 am

      i think it is funny when someone on here says “gaslighting phase” I don’t think
      my shit bag will EVER stop gaslighting, can someone give me a match? Gas and shit
      might make one hell of an explosive! LOL

  68. Kara says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Haha, wow, I didn’t expect Bitch Cookie to take off so well XD. I’ll have to inform my friends about how our little phrase has grown popular.

    Reading these comments here, jeebuz the mental gymnastics these losers tried to use. Wtf? You have to wonder how these cheaters thought things were going to go after they said these dumbshit things. “I cheated, but I emptied the dishwasher that one time!” OH, well, that changes everything, don’t worry about it! “I banged her at the office, but I picked the kids up from school that one time!” Oh, yeah, that’s right! Well, that’s ok then.

    -_-

    • Chump Lady says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      Thank you Kara for this wonderful addition to chump vocabulary!

  69. Toni says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:58 am

    “She’s my friend, I give her a ride every morning”

    Cookie

    “The sex I have had with them since day 1 with you means nothing – it never has”

    Cookie Cake!

    • Finally realized says

      July 23, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      A “ride”???

  70. Flowerlady says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:02 am

    When confessing to all the places they went and the things they did, he said “But I NEVER went inside her apartment.”
    Well, that’s a relief. Here’s a bitch cookie.

  71. GladIt'sOver says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:03 am

    This is how ex explained the threesomes he had with his two married OWs: “They both kept coming on to me, and wanted to have sex with me. I figured if I told them the only way I would sleep with them is if we had a threesome together, they would say forget it, and stop bothering me.”

    Yeah, I guess just telling them NO was so far-fetched it didn’t even occur to him. He should choke on bitch cookies.

    • Lyn says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:21 am

      Awww, guess he just felt like he had to keep his word.

  72. kimmy says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:12 am

    “Her husband treats her so poorly”…….bitch cookie. Omg! Really? The poor thing! Does her husband cheat on her? Well…..No! Hmph!

    “Her husband is so controlling”……But, she travels 5 hours away to see you whenever she wants? Somehow, I think he doesn’t control her enough.

    “She tried to commit suicide, I just feel so bad for her”……bitch cookie.

    • Flowerlady says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:49 pm

      Him: “Her boyfriend is mean to her and tells her to shut up”
      Me: “You tell me to shut up!”
      He gets a box of bitch cookies for that one.

  73. DoneNow says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:13 am

    In counseling I told the MC how hurt I was that he didn’t just leave. I’d told him how much the affair of one of my parents had hurt our family. It was a truly horrible time in my childhood. I’d told him from the beginning that all I asked of him was honesty, and that he tell me or leave me if he was thinking of having an affair, so I wouldn’t have to relive what had happened to me as a child. I also didn’t want to inflict that pain on my own children. He KNEW how much it would hurt me. When I said this he threw his hands over his face and cried out with anguish,”THAT’S why I couldn’t tell you!!! I didn’t want to hurt you!” MC looked so sorry for him! No, Dickface, that’s why you don’t cheat. Being sick is why you don’t tell, and do it over and over again. Wanted to hand them both a cookie.

    • sodone says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:17 am

      my f tard wants me to go to a session with him, even tho I already have my own
      counselor. i agreed to one. and I will be taking cookies with me to give to both of them
      when I hear some bullshit!

      • DoneNow says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:24 am

        Well, that should be fun! Mine refused to see the one who called him on his BS. The one he picked was horrendous. She supported every excuse he could think of, including “I forgot about those prostitutes. I think I blocked it out.” Stand up for yourself sodone! It will be useless if you come out of it feeling even more run over, like I did.

    • chumptotheend says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:29 am

      Wow! I had gone through a similar situation after my parents divorce and My mother got involved with a married man who was a creep! It cememted for me that cheating should never ever be! No one ever wins and everyone gets scarred. not just the chumps, not just the cheaters, not just the APs….the kids get the worst of it I think. I know long before we ever got married we had many discussions about how if either of us ever started to think we wanted something else we would end it with each other first because that was the only way to be respectful and to move on with out baggage. Did he even try to end it with me? no….he tried to maintain cake as long as he could! He totally put me through the humiliation and disrespect when he knew how strongly I felt too! I wonder if somehow I am just repeating history from another angle…my mother obviously didn’t have enough self respect to not get involved with a married guy so I wonder did I SOMEHOW SUBCONSCIOUSLY pick a guy that would ultimately cheat to try to make some kind of balance?

      • Chump-Sans-Frontiere says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:38 am

        Leave that shit behind…it’s not you nor your pedigree. It’s his lack of integrity in keeping an agreement…even an explicit agreement to be forthright about ‘calling it’ when things were over. You covered your bases knowing it was a venerability you didn’t want exposed.

        So sorry you suffered exactly what you feared would happen.

        • Moving Liquid says

          July 22, 2014 at 2:57 pm

          Yes, what Chump-Sans-Frontiere said.

      • DoneNow says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:38 am

        My Mom had an affair with my best friends father. Who was my Dad’s best friend. We all lost some of the people closest to us, and everybody in our small town knew what was going on. It was painful and humiliating. That is the short version. My Ex knew the long version and everything that went with it. I don’t think you picked him for being a cheater subconsciously or otherwise. I sure didn’t. I do think childhood scars can sometimes lower our self-esteem and cause us to make choices based in fear. Don’t beat yourself up. Who could do that to someone they claim to love?? I avoided doing things that I knew would hurt him.

        • chumptotheend says

          July 22, 2014 at 11:57 am

          Thanks you guys are so right! I really never thought in a million years that he would do this to me! I was so careful my whole life! Didn’t even get married until I was 40 years old and thought I found the right one because he truly loved me. I had even broken off two previous engagements because I just didn’t feel things were right…one guy wanted a mommy and the other was plain psycho! He had been married before for 20 years and his marriage was long over before we got involved or I would never have even considered him. I have always felt insulted whenever a married man made any suggestion or propositioned me and I always let them know it! But my husband ….I really felt things were right with him, not really sparkly but right and comfortable like being at home……I know his ex wife and she is a decent person they just wanted different things in life and she is very open about this. When I was going through that crap with my mother I became a very belligerent adolescent and was quite vocal about everything. I, in my black and white preteen world thought that the married man had brainwashed my mother. I couldn’t understand why she put up with his crap! I did some very basic investigating and had discovered that the married man was also carrying on with other women! UHG! I went and talked to them and confirmed it…..I guess this is why it hurts so much and I feel devastated on top of the betrayal it is like a double betrayal!

          • DoneNow says

            July 22, 2014 at 12:04 pm

            That’s just an example of how sick some of these people are. Mine got an intimate and thorough education from me on what cheating can do to the children involved. But he did it anyway, and hurt his own children without blinking an eye. I don’t know what he tells himself about that, if anything. Probably just that they will be OK because they have Super Dad, not just some ordinary cheating- bastard Dad.

    • zyx321 says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:44 am

      DoneNow: my exH said the same thing; 6 months of MC after I accused him of an affair, he denied it…… Years later confessed. He “did not want to hurt me”
      Barf. He was a lying, lazy, selfish, coward.

  74. P L says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:17 am

    “We always put our families first”…. Not sure how a blow job in our car at the park is “putting out families first” but that’s what she said

    • Chump-Sans-Frontiere says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:41 am

      PL,

      Words are cheap man, especially for someone who can’t keep their word.

      Hope you find someone who can do that.

    • namedforvera says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:55 am

      At the park, not at your home? … (trying to think like a cheater…can’t really do it. Head hurts…)

  75. Lyn says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:18 am

    My ex told me I didn’t need to be upset about him leaving because he was going to be so gracious as to split his retirement with me. Gee, thanks. Guess it didn’t matter that THE LAW would have forced him to split his retirement, as well as pay maintenance after 32 years of marriage. He acted like he was doing me a big favor, like I should be GRATEFUL to him because he was so generous.

    • Chump-Sans-Frontiere, formally known as 'Dan' says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Ugggh.

      He’s grasping for any bonus-points for being a human. Desperate but predictable.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:00 pm

        The new name is awesome.

    • Chump Princess says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:54 am

      OMG!!! That FlamingTurd said something similar – “You’re going to be surprised. I’m going to do right by you.” This when I had plenty of information that he was trying to fuck me over and not give me anything or the bare minimum, until he was obviously advised by someone that we had been married too long for him to get off scott free. So, I guess there may have been some truth in his statement – if he EVER did right by me I would be fucking surprised. I would be amazed and completely flabbergasted. Then he said, “You will get half of my retirement so financially you’ll be doing great,” as if he was bestowing a great favor upon me from the goodness of his heart. However, he told his attorney that I should be barred from getting a portion from those couple of years when he was working and we weren’t married. And no dickwad, I will not be doing “great.” I might be able to manage, depending on how much that is, because covering for your lack of financial responsibility and overspending for 25 years has depleted all of my savings and most of my retirement money.

      Fortunately, there are actually LAWS that spell out that to which I am entitled, otherwise that STBX Floating Turd would leave me completely destitute, which he has almost managed to do anyhow.

    • chumptotheend says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      You know that can work both ways. The entire 15 years we have been married there were a couple of years that my husband worked and made maybe $5k for the whole year….I’ve always been the majority bread winner and it is really just barely above the poverty line so it has been a struggle. He never contributed one dime to my retirement nor did he ever contribute much as to keeping the household up while I worked. I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, picking things up, vacuuming, laundry, dusting, toilet bowl scrubbing while mostly he just did what he wanted. Still he was sweet and kind and fantastic in bed and I had been good with that but now ….now I feel used…..after he cheated and continued to cheat! I fear that he has in his mind that eventually I will say enough and divorce him and then he gets 1/2 of my retirement , most of which I earned before we married and he gets alimony from me and him and her get to spend it ………i9t makes me want to puke!

      • Chump Princess says

        July 22, 2014 at 12:20 pm

        chumptotheend,

        I hate when I hear stuff like that and I am so sorry that this is your situation. It’s like pouring iodine in an open sore.

        • chumptotheend says

          July 22, 2014 at 12:24 pm

          Chump Princess,
          Indeed, I feel as if I have been victimized twice over and in the end well….there isn’t an end….I will have to keep paying forever, as he has sworn to never marry again, or alimony stops….and they wouldn’t want to lose any income….it is all really diabolical at least it feels that way.

          • Datdamwuf says

            July 22, 2014 at 3:17 pm

            I’m confused chumptotheend, are you divorced and this has happened or you fear you will have to pay alimony and give him half your shit? Cos if it’s the latter then that can be avoided in a fault state, if you aren’t in one, move. If I’d lived in CA, I would have moved before divorcing my asshole ex. He wanted half of everything I built, much of it pre marriage and he wanted alimony. Can’t get all that when I have proof of adultery

            • chumptotheend says

              July 22, 2014 at 5:48 pm

              He has told me that he will be going after this and I have also been advised legally there is not much I can do. I live in a no fault state and all the surrounding states are no fault also. Plus I would have to quit my job of nearly 20 years which is at an institution of higher education. My daughter is beginning college next year and she can have free tuition there which is about the only way I can provide her with a college education. Believe me I’ve kept my eyes open for any type of out of area work that might be in a fault state but haven’t come up with much. Folks are still hard pressed for employment and I can’t risk her education and he knows it. All I can do is bide my time for now.

              • Dirty Water says

                July 22, 2014 at 7:40 pm

                Be careful- You can end up paying alimony even in a fault state. My divorce was granted on the basis of adultery, after a full trial, but I’m still paying alimony because my Cheating Ex refused to work for the last 15 years of our marriage and the court couldn’t force him to get a job after the divorce. And I’m a lawyer!

              • LovedaJackass says

                July 22, 2014 at 9:21 pm

                The big issue is whether it is a permanent alimony state or whether the judge has the discretion to require him to get a job. PA is a state in which you can file no-fault or fault, but in either case, once the case is filed, the alimony clock starts ticking. In PA, the max is 3 years. He may be able to get some of your pension, but a 15 year marriage, to which he did not contribute financially–he won’t get anything like 50%.

                If you are still living together while you bide your time, tell him he must get a job. Cut the money off. Pay the bills yourself, put your paycheck in an account with your name on it. Control the money. Tell him he needs to pay 50% of mortgage, utilities, taxes, medical, and to start putting money away for his retirement. If he won’t work, I wouldn’t give him a dime to spend. That will get old very fast.

                And it’s ridiculous that anyone has to pay alimony for someone who refuses to work (different story for the disabled, obviously.) This is a good reason for people to pay close attention on both sides to economic reciprocity.

              • diana l says

                July 23, 2014 at 12:10 am

                I’m surprised he can get anything from before you were married. I didn’t think that was possible.

                I don’t think there are any permanent alimony states anymore and I think alimony is rarely enough for someone to live on.

                What would your lawyer think of staying legally married?

                Lovedajackass – I think that it’s impossible for the court to know if one partner refused to work or if the couple agreed to have one person doing child care or following their dreams. So they seem to just go by who is earning what at the time of the divorce. It would be fair without the cheating.

    • Dot says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:27 pm

      My ex was the same way. A good guy to the end, HE was going to make sure I landed well. No… my attorney and the laws of the state ensured that. What a pompous, narc controlling creep. His head is so far up his butt it has popped back out of his neck.

  76. Trusting says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:18 am

    So many, but one jumps out at me. When asked why I should believe he had finally told me the truth after so many lies? “Because this time you asked me to”

    He also wanted to be patted on the back for depositing his bonus check instead of cashing it and pocketing the money. “Not that I’ve ever done that before”. Sure Slick, I believe you, that sounds totally plausible .

  77. Dan says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:18 am

    How about this…it’s a smallish one but repeated in many other scenarios:

    After getting home from work, cleaning the dishes from the night before (back-to-back shifts meant I wasn’t there the previous night), making supper for the family, sitting at the table with kids reviewing their day, having the STBX come down from her ‘chat sessions’ to grab a plate and huff off again leaving a ‘No one respects me’ bomb in her wake, and then later saying, ‘I was really stressed but thanks, that was a nice meal.’

    I’ll take that cookie! Whata chump!

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      That sounds remarkably like my wife while she was having her affair.

  78. Dan now aka Chump-Sans-Frontiere says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Or another bigger one, showing off my supreme chumpedness:

    STBXW breaks down and says she was at her lover’s place when his wife comes home. He hides my STBXW in the basement while he goes to bed with his wife. (It’s like a movie, I know!)

    She’s stuck there for hours till finally he comes down and lets her out…but later the wife finds out. She insists on having a meeting with STBX to find closure. That’s when she confesses to me and asks for me to help her thru this encounter. (Enter #1 Chump).

    I help her thru it…driving her to the meeting and consoling her thru the experience. She vows never to cheat again (yada yada yada…) and thanks me profusely for helping her, forgiving her, being a great husband and friend, uggggghhhhh! I’m really ashamed at how stupid I was! Chump-Sans-Frontiere. Hey, my new handle!

  79. RobinLee says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:37 am

    My two D Days were twelve years apart. After the second D Day, I did a pretty good “exposure” to our friends and family which made him furious.

    One of his more petty comments: “But I just bought us a new grill! That meant I was committed!”

    Here’s a bitch cookie. Bitch.

  80. Jennifer says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:41 am

    “I was a good husband for over 20 years. Can’t you just spot me this??”

    Word.For.Word.

    Of course, my answer was “NO!”

    • beachi says

      July 22, 2014 at 11:59 am

      sure spot him HA

    • kimmy says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      Oh please tell me what your face looked like when he said this!!! Did your eyes point in opposite directions?? Do these twats really think any of this shit is gonna fly before they speak???

      • Jennifer says

        July 22, 2014 at 8:53 pm

        I am pretty sure my mouth was actually agape. The good part was that it took such an over-the-top statement to get through my thick skull that he was doing this all on purpose. Truly I laugh when I tell the story now. Not funny then.

  81. John says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:43 am

    “He was supportive of me going back to school.”

    “The only reason I had sex with him was because I was accused of it so I figured if I was going to be accused of it I might as well do it.”

    These were some of the bitch cookies I was fed.

  82. Free2b1 says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:43 am

    xh said …”at least I was honest with you and told you, but now I wish I hadn’t because of the way you’re reacting!!” …yeah, you, (after many years), were honest with me because you thought you gave me Aids, !!!

    • Responsibleforme says

      July 23, 2014 at 6:41 am

      I also got “at least I was honest with you” – 6 years after child born and two months after he was served with court documents in respect of the love child. He told me because I knew her lawyer and was worried I’d find out anyway.

  83. Ladywithatruck says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:49 am

    “It’s not like I come home and beat you every night.” When I said that strangling me until I blacked out was abuse.
    His response to me being upset when I discovered he was texting another woman that he loved her while on the road coming home to me. “But you weren’t there”
    So what? it is only cheating if you do it right in front of my eyes? You are only faithful when in my company?
    When I once again discovered more personal ads, “We were fighting at the time” Oh why didn’t you say so, we had an argument in the morning and that makes it ok to put an ad in looking for sex at noon that same day.
    “You could go home with a different guy every night” I could but I don’t so you get a free pass because I “could” be unfaithful.

  84. namedforvera says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:51 am

    My Ex: ” But I had sex with her in California!” [we lived in Mass.]

    Geography Bitch Cookie!

    • Kat says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:12 pm

      ROFLMAO. Geography Bitch Cookie. That’s great.

  85. scotty says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:52 am

    “I even got your name tattooed on my hip!”

    Umm, yeah. I didn’t ask you to do that. And just how many other guys saw it during our wedded splendor? If that was to show your commitment to me, you were doing it wrong. I would’ve been happy with simply honoring our vows. So typical of the type though – all show and no go.

    Anyway, here’s your Bitch Cookie and a tall glass of Glad You’re the Fuck Out of My Life juice to wash it down.

    • kimmy says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      If “Glad You’re the Fuck Out of My Life” juice was a real thing…..I would so buy it!!!! By the case!!! And send it to my fucktard and his slutface.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:21 pm

        Kimmy, but how do you really feel? heh.

  86. beachi says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:56 am

    “like an old dog no one wants”

    Now this was said when we were in our fake reconcillation so now I am not sure if I was the old dog or ap was.

    Here fido a nice dog bitch cookie for you

  87. beachi says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    flashing on cookie monster

  88. beachi says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    ‘you would really like her’

    amazing he had the nerve to let those words leave his mouth

    • BusyLivin says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:20 pm

      Mine told me that he and I would be “Best Friends” in other circumstances!

    • Still a chump says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      Heard that one too! Along with, She’s a really nice person and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:26 pm

        Cheater: “You would really like her.”

        Chump: “No. She’s a dirty skank having an affair with a married man. I don’t like skanks. Or cheaters. And if she were a decent person or a kind person, she wouldn’t be having sex with someone else’s husband.”

  89. Ladywithatruck says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    He used this one a few times “We only had sex once. She refused to have sex with me again” Oh! well if it was only once. And it makes me feel much better that you wanted to have sex with her again but she refused.
    I eventually said, “Gee, and that doesn’t bother you? A lot of men would really wonder about themselves.” He asked what I meant by that.
    I said, “Well most men like to consider themselves to be good in bed and their ego would be hurt but if you are ok with it, Good for you.”
    He was getting angry now and wanted to know what the hell I was talking about.
    So I told him, “Well, every time a woman has sex with you she refuses to ever go to bed with you again. A lot of men would really be bothered by that. Good for you that it doesn’t bother you.”
    The light went on and he said, “It wasn’t just once, we had sex lots of times>”
    I said, “I knew it!!”
    Him “Fuck”

    • scotty says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:21 pm

      Ladywithatruck – just wanted to say how helpful your blog was back around D-day, before I found CL and was just starting to realize that I was dealing with a character disorder rather than just a run of the mill asshole. Thanks!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:29 pm

        I second that. Understanding that I was dealing with character disorder made a huge difference.

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:36 pm

      I am about to die from laughter over here.

    • fiestypants says

      July 22, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Lady-HA! Love it!

    • D says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm

      Hahahaha…what an idiot!

    • namedforvera says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      LWAT– I think you just won the chump internets today!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:32 pm

        Agreed. LWAT is so much smarter than he is!

    • LaBoeuf says

      July 22, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      Lord, what a fidiot. Were you married to Homer Simpson’s evil twin? I’m imagining that after he said “Fuck” he slapped his forehead and yelled, “D’HO!”

      • LaBoeuf says

        July 22, 2014 at 4:35 pm

        I mean “D’OH!”

        Who is Homer Simpson now?

      • RobinLee says

        July 22, 2014 at 5:59 pm

        “Fuck D’Ho…also funny! A real cookie for you!

        Do we call those “Chump Cookies”?

  90. Chump Princess says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    “She said she and her first three husbands lived separate lives. She says it’s different with me.”

    Fourth time is the charm I guess.

    “How can you stand there and accuse me of cheating? I was just thinking about our retirement together and our children and grandchildren. Well, since you accused me, we should separate. Let’s just end it.” This was said after I confronted him with the cell phone bill with the list of repeated and extensive phone calls to Reverend Imaho, because the problem was the accusation, not his actual betrayal.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:34 pm

      That’s Jackass’s position to. “You accused me of cheating! I won’t tolerate that!”

  91. Suz says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I can’t decide between:

    “The sex with her isn’t even any good — it feels like fucking a bowl of warm water…”

    or

    [after I expressed my outrage at the amount of money he spent on the affair] “Well, you buy new shoes, and it’s not like I spend money on other hobbies like expensive golf weekends…”

    • Chumpalicious says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      eeeeeww — that first one — that shows you their focus is on their peter.

      In a rare bit of honesty in an email about 8 months after he had moved out, the ex said he knew all “those relationships” couldn’t have been about love because he “felt dirty” afterward.

      I’m saving that one to pull on the OWifey sometime. You think it’s love, do you?

      What a bunch of users.

    • chumppalla says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggg!

  92. chumpnomore says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    After finding out my fiancée had slept with a Russian prostitute in our home whilst I was visiting my widowed father…. i just remember the room spinning and feeling like I wanted to throw up. This had happened 3 years previous to me finding out and he had subsequently proposed just a few months after he did this. It turned out it was just one of many times he had slept with other women and he had been using hook-up sites to locate them. Trying to wrap my head around how the ultimate ‘nice guy’ could do this to me, I felt I needed to know details. I now wish I hadn’t.

    “You did this in our bed?” Cheater – gasps in horror with a look of total disgust. “No, THAT would be WRONG!” …….My Prince. Only fucks hookers in the spare room. Thank fuck for that. I guess I should also be grateful he waited until I was out. Nice to know he has a moral compass, just a shame it’s been stamped on a few times.

    I’m still reeling at this point, realizing the number of photos of us on the wall in the spare bedroom, and ask him how he could do that surrounded by our photos. Cheater – (looking like he is only just realizing that what he did is wrong and scrabbling frantically) “I ordered her on the internet, then went around and took down our photos before she arrived.” Firstly, BULLSHIT, no one capable of fucking a hooker in their girlfriend’s home whilst she is out has any problem doing it around a few Kodak moments. Secondly, IF you did that, I think it actually makes it worse.

    Total sociopath. He learns morality like most of us would learn Latin: he can repeat back what he thinks he is supposed to say, but it means absolutely nothing to him.

    • Elizabeth Lee says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:28 pm

      “He learns morality like most of us would learn Latin: he can repeat back what he thinks he is supposed to say, but it means absolutely nothing to him.”

      EXACTLY! My cheater XH knows what to do to appear “normal” to the general public. His entire family is fabulous at acting normal. His live-in girlfriend just got divorced and I bet he’s eager to marry her so he can stop the act.

      • Sammie D says

        July 23, 2014 at 6:24 pm

        THIS^^^^^^^

        mine is so proformance ready no one can get their head around that for me him having sex with other men is the least of our marriage issues and my XMIL is just the same.

        their appearence of ‘normal’ is all they care about and will persue it at all cost to those closest to them.

        • sodone says

          July 24, 2014 at 11:01 am

          yes sammie d,
          mine even said “I know exactly what to say and how to act”

  93. vre says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Describing to me her plane ride back from across the country, and the acquaintance she’d struck up with the man seated next to her:
    “You should be proud of me. I told him I was married!” (Compared to her history of telling men she was separated, or “forgetting” to mention that she was married).

    When I discovered that instead of going to her group therapy, she’d used that time to sneak off for a secret rendezvous:
    “But I haven’t done that every time!”

    • chumppalla says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      Bitch. Cookie.

  94. LoopyDuchess says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    “Meet me and talk to me, please. It’s more than she gets. She just has a Facebook friendship with restrictions now and I don’t go on it much anymore…”

    bitchslap cookie

  95. Lily Bart says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    All of these stories remind me of a quote from Steel Magnolias.
    Weezer (Shirley MacLaine): “What a gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink ‘fore he pees in it.”
    🙂

    • chumppalla says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      haha! Perfect!

      • Sammie D says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:16 pm

        Love this^^^^^^

  96. Akko says

    July 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    “At least I wore a condom”

    Really? You should not have been f*cking her in the first place!! Who knows if it was true though!

    • Unicorn says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:07 pm

      Mine said he “had” to save her from her horrible husband. And when I asked about protection. He said ” she is clean”. When asked how he knew this he said. ” I just know”. I’m a nurse, I know you can’t tell by looking only by testing. Dumbass. He also said the boys would be fine they are resilient , but if I talk about divorce now he says think about what it will do to the boys! Fucktard! Have several bitch cookies. Lol

    • Wastedheart says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      I’m such a chump, I would actually give my stbx credit for that. I was not treated to the same consideration, I’m afraid. My stbx NEVER used protection with these women, none of whom used birth control, one of whom he had twice impregnated and one of whom had herpes (It wasn’t an active infection! Here’s a bitch cookie).

      That I struggled so long to find my way to forgiveness and reconciliation is, in the rear view, appalling when I reflect on stuff like this.

      • Moving Liquid says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:43 pm

        Wastedheart, I know what it’s like to look back and be mortified by how much we put up with. Perhaps better to keep looking forward?

  97. chumppalla says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    “I don’t objectify women in Real Life”.

    Bitch Cookie.

    • Lily Bart says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Wow. That’s a real head-scratcher.

      • chumppalla says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:47 pm

        Yep. The long version of that discussion was quite the incredible skein.

        • Lily Bart says

          July 22, 2014 at 4:02 pm

          I think I can imagine the conversation, though my stbx was a different flavor of crazy. I’m almost grateful for statements of that ilk. I remember having a series of lightbulb moments when he would make these ridiculous statements without flinching. Something along the lines of “Ah-HA. He’s insane! Now I get it!”

  98. P.F says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Reading all the bitch cookie stories is surreal. Cheaters are one IQ number away from mentally challenged in their ridiculous reasoning.

    It’s hilarious in a black comedy kind of way. How pathetic and delusional cheaters are.
    Feeding their ego from whatever trough they can get it from. It’s a buffet of delusion they feast on and it’s bizarre, the words, excuses, the mental gymnastics required.

    Even more bizarre, they actually take themselves seriously, when speaking cheater speak. My god….these fools are fluent in bullshit, but they don’t realize we see that they talking from their ass. It’s like mouth farts.

    • Annie says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      Yeah, reminds me of Bill Clinton.

    • sodone says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      not thread hijacking here, but today has been a day for all of us her on
      CN, and I just wanted to say, remember, when you cry, it should only be for
      those that deserve it. Do not cry for your X and the choices he has made. Cry for yourself,
      your kids, then when you are done, make a plan. Do something good for YOU. You deserve it.

      • Syringa says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:53 pm

        Right on Sodone! When I cry these days it’s for me and the kids and the grandkids. I NEVER cry over that guy anymore. I doubt I’d cry even if I read his obituary.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:36 pm

      funny

  99. Hurt1 says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    My ex said, “You’re still pretty, but I’m not sexually attracted to you.” I got the bitch cookie with poop morsels.

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      I think I got that cookie too.

      4 months after D’day in a rare conversation on the matter STBX express that he still loves me. Yes that would have to be in the ‘like a sister sense as you confessed your prferences.
      But in the same conversation said he does not understand why I get to live in our family home with the kids but he doesn’t . Hhmmm really? And let’s not forget the threat to try and sell the house without my consent when this conversation didn’t go his way.

      Forget the cookie just give the bitch the recipe he will have a batch whipped up in no time.

  100. chumpalot says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    I wore a condom every time because I respect you! —- turned out to be a lie.
    It made me a better husband and father.
    I never spent the night at their houses. I always came home!
    I stopped the affairs months ago, but I just kept their numbers on my cell phone because I wanted to let them down “easy”.
    I was so disgusted with myself after the first time it happened, that I went to her bathroom and threw up! —then he went back for more and more.
    He put down the AP’s bodies like “I don’t like her boobs and having sex with her is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”–had sex with her 4 times. Also, another AP had “thinning hair and had a funny shaped body”- had sex with her 3 times.
    Like CL says, don’t pay attention to the words. Pay attention to the actions. ITS CLEAR AS DAY.

    • buttercup says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      OMG. O.M.G. I never thought I’d hear that phrase anywhere else. “Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” Good God.

      Mine said that same thing, along with the “I only had sex with her twice, and it made me sick!!” (not sick enough the first time, apparently. But then, Buttercup, remember The Switch. If he said twice, it meant “twice every day”)

      Another one was “She has some of my time, but you always had my heart.”

      And, of course, “I would NEVER let OW harm you or our kids!” OH. Like OW is now some crazy person with violent tendencies….but you didn’t notice that for the 1.5 years you were fucking her…and of course, only after I was informed of the affair.

      • TheMuse says

        July 22, 2014 at 6:15 pm

        buttercup, that’s so similar to mine: “I am fiercely loyal to you!” and “You know that I would do anything to protect your children!” and “I was defending us, against HER! defending US!”

        Bitch cookie!

        • buttercup says

          July 22, 2014 at 6:24 pm

          Muse, of course!! **forehead slap** He was just PROTECTING US. I got that. A lot.

          Well, dimwit, if YOU hadn’t been fucking around with her and brought her into our lives….we wouldn’t NEED protection from her, now would we.

          Are they saying that they fucked the OW, snuck around, spent family resources, endangered my health and possibly me and my kids’ safety—-in order to “take one for the team”? Meaning, he was forced to fuck her for my safety?

          Is this the only way that they can feel like real men?? Manufacture a crisis and then come riding in to save the day? Really?

          • buttercup says

            July 22, 2014 at 6:40 pm

            Chumpalot, isn’t that just pathetic, when they badmouth their affair partners?

            This is what makes me want to talk to OW. XH says “she’s just bitter because I chose you over her! so you can’t believe anything she says, she would just try and hurt us!”

            Okaaaay. Well, then if she was such a freaky looking toad, what kept you having such a hard on for her? I mean, men are “visual creatures” right? Even if you could compartmentalize what you were doing, if she’s such an unattractive and lousy lay….how did this go on for so long?

            Maybe not. I’m wondering if she may not have a very similar experience as the recipient of his verbal vomit and crazy making. I don’t have sympathy for her, but I am wondering if it would not be a very enlightening interview.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:39 pm

        “She has some of my time, but you always had my heart.” And anyone could have his dick.

  101. ChutesandLadders says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Not sure if this qualifies for a bitch cookie; maybe more of an, “I Know You Are But What Am I” humble pie?

    When he left his email up while out walking (and come to find out, texting his bim), I discovered emails between him and the bimbo. They documented their every schmoopie love letter and activity. I confronted him, quoted some of the more damning word gems, and called him a cheating, scumbag loser. He went bug eyed, sputtered and spit and finally replied, “Well… well, at least I’m not … I’m not someone who hacks into other people’s email accounts.”

    Ooooooohhhh, burn.

  102. flyingsquirrel says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    In response to my request that he try to connect with me emotionally in order to foster some intimacy in our relationship:

    “I said dinner was “good”. I’ve opened up. What more do you want from me?”

    BITCH COOKIE.

    • Sammie D says

      July 22, 2014 at 6:47 pm

      Mine was having dinner with his EP on a regular basis claiming it was a committee meeting when suggested by MC we have a regular date night he could not find the time. Then one night after I cooked dinner, and was in my PJ’s STBX chimes do you want to go out for coffee and desert I have a voucher. WTF. He was so cut I turned him down. Moron

  103. Dr. Chump Change says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    How about, “We only had oral sex.” Or “You’re a lot better looking than any of them.”

    Gee, thanks.

    • Annie says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      Again..Bill Clinton

  104. StayPuft says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    “I could have cheated lots of time before, but I didn’t do it.”

  105. D says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    “It was JUST sex!” “I LOVE YOU!”

    Bitch Cookie.

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      D, that’s like mine: “All I did was take advantage of an offer someone made!” When I asked him why didn’t you come to me and tell me ahead of time before you slept with her that you were developing feelings for someone else, “I was NOT developing feelings for her!” and then, also, “No one in their right mind would do that!”

      • chumppalla says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:34 pm

        LOL. omg.

        • LovedaJackass says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:40 pm

          OMG indeed.

      • D says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:38 pm

        These people are seriously disordered. They literally don’t get it.

  106. Annie says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    I remember the first time I found out my ex mofo was chatting it up with women online. He left his email account open. I found the password and changed all the settings to said account. Then, I changed his profile picture and added some relevant personal information. Needless to say, he was not impressed. Of course, the fact that he was caught cheating wasn’t the issue. He wanted to know how to get back into that account. I still laugh about it today. The photo is too funny for words…so if you google him, you get a sight full.

    • Marci says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      Annie,
      I did that to my fucktard too. Once I knew what he was up to, I put a keylogger on my own computer, which he audaciously used for his internet trawling. So, armed with his passwords, I was able to do awesome stuff…all for a sad lark of course. I figure I was doing the numerous potential OW on websites a favour by outing him.

      The weird part was he has never to this day (3 years later) changed his passwords or handle so just watching his online behaviour is an education in cynicism. I can easily see that he has chumped the OW who terrorized me and she is now terrorizing him. What a circus.

      • sodone says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:21 pm

        omg maree!
        my x is out of the house, and I wished sometimes I was able to
        do the same thing. It feels draining to dig for info, so do yourself
        a favor and don’t dwell on it. On the otherhand, when all you get is lies and denial,
        knowledge is power 🙂 Any info I was able to get was while he was still in the house,
        and left phone/computer unlocked.He is trying to tell me he is seeing no one, but i”m
        sure this is not the case. I see my lawyer in sept, and it’s gonna be a long haul.

        • Maree says

          July 22, 2014 at 2:38 pm

          sodone, my ex told me that there was absolutely no one else. He thinks I was born yesterday but my radar was on high alert. Good that you are seeing your lawyer in September but it may be over quicker than you think and by that I mean physically not emotionally. It is not an easy ride you are on but you will get off at the other end and be happy. You might not think so now but you will. I still have days now and again when I am really down and I wonder how it all turned to such a mess but they are getting few and far between now. All the very best to you and don’t let the bastard win.

          • sodone says

            July 22, 2014 at 2:52 pm

            maree,
            I already have him out of the home, separate accounts, changed locks and garage combo,
            401ks are down to equal, all bills are paid down, joint bills closed. all utilities are in my name in the home. got one more vehicle to sell and split, and we are way ahead of the game. next is selling the marital home. only one way to go from here. no turning back. the bastage keeps texting me, so phone blocking is next. all the crazy responses I have seen on here when they are asked why, I wish I had. He cannot say why without blaming me in one way or another. unacceptable. You know, they are incapable of
            making themselves look bad, so the lies just continue. now he is back contacting his parents again, saying i am trying to do better, look I have a counselor, but she won’t take me back. he went so far as to tell them he had no internet so he couldn’t possibly
            be still contacting the OW! When they told me about this, I said he is lying. he has unlimited
            internet on his new phone, and his email works just fine.

            • Maree says

              July 22, 2014 at 3:23 pm

              They never stop lying. I simply do not understand it, so I no longer try to.

              • LovedaJackass says

                July 22, 2014 at 9:42 pm

                You are so right.

    • Maree says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      Annie, you are my evil twin! My ex had a ‘favourite’ folder on a dating site and there was only one tart in there and her name was ‘like to share’. I sent her that many kisses from his profile that she replied that she no longer wanted any contact. I know I shouldn’t have done it but it still makes me smile. He still doesn’t know to this day that I did that.

  107. FeralBlue says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Him telling me that (after OW and I confronted him together) he had chosen who he wanted to be with, he just didn’t know how to tell her. I was pick-me dancing like an all star and had sex with him…and this was his pillow talk. And for some WTF reason, I thought he meant he had chosen me. Bitch cookie for him for not wanting to hurt “her” (my) feelings so he screwed me first.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:43 pm

      Now there’s a cruel man.

  108. Flora says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    My son was involved in a serious car accident during the affair.  It was the worst time of my life (up to that point).   Months later when I found out about the OW, my cookie monster husband told me he’d phoned her after the accident to tell her he wouldn’t be calling her anymore because he had to focus on his family now.  
     I checked his cell records–he managed to focus on us (and abstain from phone sex) for a total of two whole weeks.  

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:44 pm

      Bitch cookie for the devoted father.

  109. Mehsemerized says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    What? No one has mentioned these classics?

    “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”

    And…

    “I didn’t leave my child, just you.”

    Still can’t quite understand this one: you now live with your lover an hour away from your child, and you now officially and by decree miss half of your child’s life. His school, his friends, his extra activities, his questions, his cuddles, his fears and joy.

    Child says “I’m so sad that daddy left” which is THE expert opinion on this cookie statement.

    • Rumblekitty says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      LOL – My X said this to my kid, his step-daughter. “I’m sorry DD, I left your mom, not you.”

      How sweet and nurturing. lol

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      How about: “I didn’t leave us, Muse, I just left YOU.” Me: “No, Cheater, you didn’t leave me, I kicked you out.” Cheater: “I left you a long time ago, Muse, I just never told you about it!” —- how did he LEAVE me and still be living in our house that I paid the mtg pmts, pd for his food and his cheater-cell-phone??? what part of that was “leaving” exactly????

      Bitch cookies all around!!!

  110. Polly says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    omg…looooove this new term…”bitch cookie”!!!
    When all the truths came out about my husband’s latest affair….whereas I was at home waiting with dinner cooked and he stopped by her place for wine and everything else, coming home fresh after showering….he had the nerve to exclaim….”…but I never took a shower WITH her!!!!!!”. Oh ya…that makes it sooooo much more acceptable….lol…what an idiot!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      Yep. He wants a bitch cookie.

  111. sodone says

    July 22, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    the good thing is I have my own counselor to help!

  112. Kristen says

    July 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Why is it that men expect to get their asses kissed for doing a simple chore or going to work everyday? They are all B-EFFin-B’s. Big Fucking Babies. That is an old saying my mom coined in reference to men and its still true. They expect to be praised for everything that they do. The more stories I hear on CL the more I am thinking that they are all this way. I see absolutely no reward in this and would frankly rather be single. Energy rip-offs. They always have excuses for despicable behavior. Ugh.

    • chumppalla says

      July 22, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      I’m sure we have some male chumps here that could say the same about women. We have to remember, CHEATERS suck! Not men. Not women. CHEATERS.

      • Kristen says

        July 22, 2014 at 2:47 pm

        You are right. I shouldn’t be sexist. I am just mad.

        • chumppalla says

          July 22, 2014 at 8:55 pm

          I get that! With you!!! (((hugs)))

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Yeah, how about this one: sent me a text after DDay when he finally started helping with the mortgage payments. His text just said: “I put half the mortgage in the mail to you.” Like I woudn’t figure that out when the check arrived in the mail the next day? I was out (slightly inebriated) with friends and I texted back, “yeah aren’t you a fuckn hero, guess what, I paid the mortgage every other month BEFORE you cheated!” and he got MAD, said I was unappreciative and “spitting in his face.” Mind you, my forensic accountants later determined he paid exactly 11% of the mortgage payments over 12 years. Rah rah, what a hero!!!!

      Bitch cookie!

      • Kristen says

        July 22, 2014 at 3:13 pm

        Oh, please!!! See, they get mad and have an excuse for everything. You were supposed to praise him because he finally attempted to pay what he should have been all along??? UGH!!!!

  113. Second Place says

    July 22, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    “I’m home every night to make you dinner” and “I’m not off playing golf with the guys.” (He hated golf. Big sacrifice.)
    What is it about being “home” that neutralizes what went on the rest of the day?

  114. Consolation prize says

    July 22, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Oh I got the story, from him and HER, but “he is not going to divorce you!” Yea me! Here is a dozen bitch cookies, Bitch!

  115. ExpatChump says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    He didn’t wear his wedding ring when he was with his whore out of respect for me.

    • Flora says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      Mine did wear his ring during the entire affair out of respect for our marriage. As soon as he told me this I confiscated it and never gave it back. I knew that ring had been all over her body.

      • Sammie D says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:02 pm

        Mine had his wedding band stolen by someone he hooked up with. And he had the audasity to claim compensation for its theft.

        Not to mention that just prior to D’day I was in talks with our jeweller to have it remade for him. Such a chump

        • Syringa says

          July 23, 2014 at 12:16 am

          My XH put his wedding ring in his ashtray every day when he went to be with his howorker. That made him not married on those days. See how that works?
          Ashtray bitch cookies.

  116. ExpatChump says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    “You’re SUPPOSED to take care of your kids!” Crazy ass bastards.

  117. Chump molly says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    I always loved you. It was just sex with her… For twelve years. Cookie Monster!

  118. Kay Harris says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    ‘At least I didn’t say she was better in bed than you.’ Bitch cookie. My sympathies that you scored an underperforming whore as your affair partner.

  119. ANR says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    My wife lent $200k, money from her mother’s estate, to her fuckbuddy. She’s now suing him to get it back. When I asked her about the legal fees she told me “I’m paying for those with my own money! It’s really unfair of you to ask about that! It has no impact on our finances.” And then she reminded me that she’d used 10k from her mother’s estate, 5% of what she gave to her fuckbuddy, towards paying off our mortgage. I’m not sure how many cookies that’s worth, but I think she wants a WHOLE LOT, and probably some cake too.

    • ANR says

      July 22, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      Also: “I learned later that he had a reputation as a womanizer. But I didn’t know that when I got involved with him.” Well, I sure wouldn’t want you cheating on me with someone with a bad reputation, So sorry you got fooled.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:47 pm

        Bitch cookie!

  120. ChumpDad says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    We just Kissed, Ok, I just gave him blow jobs and hand jobs. He did go down on me. But we didn’t have intercourse yet.

    Here’s your cookie bitch.

  121. bostonirisher says

    July 22, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    How about: “But I never had sex with a prostitute.”
    Bitch cookie!

    • Bostonirisher says

      July 22, 2014 at 6:47 pm

      One more-he almost started a fight at a restaurant since a man had been rude to me. He said – no one disrespects my wife. Yes , only he can!
      Bitch cookie.

    • Kat says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:31 pm

      How about “But I didn’t have to pay to have sex with that prostitute.”

  122. Datdamwuf says

    July 22, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    On the phone while trying to coerce me into dropping the PO after he brought a gun in while drunk, ending with me running to my car as he chased me with said gun: “if I wanted to kill myself I would have, if I wanted to kill you I would have, I didn’t need a gun, I could have used a knife. I didn’t and I don’t, you are being ridiculous.” “You know I would never hurt you”

    Yeah, I don’t know that, thanks for the reassurance, here’s your bitch cookie.

    Lighter note, happened before that shit, he sez “I thought I could make things better in my life, but everything is fucked up for me. Look at you though, it’s helped you! You lost weight, you have new clothes and you get out more, this has been good for you.”

    I sez, “I’m a skeleton, I had to buy new clothes as mine were falling off me and I don’t think going to therapy really counts as getting out more”

    But hell, here’s your bitch cookie

  123. Lily says

    July 22, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Ha, bitch cookie, so funny!

    I love your posts Chumplady, every time I read them I want to cry, they touch me deeply. I’m still with the ratbag who cheated on me which makes me a lousy person I know. I guess I just wanted to say that I take great comfort in your posts even when they are very confronting.

    • Annie says

      July 22, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      Lily,
      You are not the lousy person! HE is the lousy person! Stay on these boards. Stay connected. Everyone has there limit. You will know when you have reached yours. Most try to make things work…sometimes way too many times. Don’t be down on yourself for his fucked up behavior.

      Stay strong. Be true to yourself. There is an amazingly great life just waiting for you. No stress..loving relationships…all for you!

    • Chump Princess says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      Lily,

      I stayed with Cheater McFlamingTurd for 25 years, and he began cheating whenever he had a mad when we were dating. We broke up twice while we were dating. He convinced me I was the problem way back then.

      Being with someone who treats you lousy does not make you a “lousy” person. As Nora Ephron (who was one of the most incredible people on the planet) wrote in “Heartburn,” “Once you find out he’s cheated, you have to keep find it it out, over and over again, until you’ve degraded yourself so completely that there’s nothing left to do but walk out.” That, in a nutshell, is my story with Asshole McCheaterDouche. We all have different breaking points, as well as healing points, and we reach them in our own time.

      Be kind to yourself Lily. When you have had enough you will leave or you will make sure he does.

      • NorthernLight says

        July 23, 2014 at 10:17 pm

        I recently read that book and enjoyed it!

    • Paula says

      July 22, 2014 at 5:59 pm

      Many of us are still with our ratbags, Lily, but the more we read here the stronger we get….

    • GladIt'sOver says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      Lily, you most certainly are NOT a lousy person because you are still with the cheater. Your circumstances will change as soon as you are able to get away. The cheater, however, will lack integrity and good character until the day he dies.

    • Uniquelyme says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      Lily, you are definitely NOT a ratbag. I stayed with my cheater ex for over 26 years and finally threw him out and filed for divorce. You will find the strength in your on time. Give yourself that. In the meantime, keep getting stronger and focus on yourself. When I asked my counselor how I will know when to divorce, she said, “Don’t worry, you will.” And I did when I found there was a third OW. I.was.done. And I found out personally what “leave a cheater, gain a life” meant. I am living it!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:50 pm

        We each learn at our own pace. And no one should leave without a plan unless there is physical danger. Get your ducks in a row first. that might take a week or a year. But Chumps who must stay or who aren’t ready should start their “new” life even as they have a foot still in the old one.

    • goldilocks says

      July 24, 2014 at 10:05 am

      I am also still chumping along, you are not alone. I read here every day because I learn so much and the people on here are the best – so honest and caring. It also stiffens my back.

      I might summon the courage to leave one day but the trouble is I am 70 years old which is not a good time to change your whole world. He had an EA 3 years ago and I am still going round in circles. So if you are a lousy person then so am I.

      These are two of the corkers I heard
      “She is not pretty like you” (She’s not!!)
      “You would like her if you knew her”

      There is no answer to that !!!

      • sodone says

        July 24, 2014 at 11:54 am

        In response to Goldielocks!
        Oh my goodness! you are a brave woman for sticking it out.
        I am 53, and I made my decision to end it, I thought about is this the
        person who I want to take care of me if I fall ill? Surely not. He cannot
        even clean his own messes up in life, and has always depended on me for the
        emotional support he needs. He gets crickets now! lol Do you have adult children
        who can help you? Anyway, just remember, do what is best for YOU. 🙂 everyone’s situation
        is different, and only you what is best for you.

  124. Janus says

    July 22, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Exactly – my bitch cookies are the ones in quotes: “I have never used an escort.” But he did send thousands of dollars of our money to his British Schmoopie. She had supposedly fallen on hard times because her ex – who is gainfully employed – supposedly wasn’t paying child support. “People in the UK can barely make ends meet these days? It’s all over the news. Her kids were eating potatoes and couldn’t get enough protein. You’re a good person. I know you would’ve wanted me to help out.”

    Meanwhile, on Facebook she’s drinking wine, wearing party hats on and listing all the foreign countries she’s visited. Like Dubai, where he flew her in to see him after he took a job overseas. When I had my D-Day through an anonymous letter, I noted how little I had seen him since he took that job, he BC’d: “But she’s seen me even less than you have since I came over here!”

    • TheMuse says

      July 22, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      that’s hysterically funny about the potatoes. Did he expect you to believe there was a new potato Famine over there? LOL

      • Janus says

        July 22, 2014 at 7:09 pm

        Mine will have to be “have a hot bitch potato!”

  125. Doop says

    July 22, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    “I wasn’t feelng anything, but I didn’t want to cheat on you, so I made appointments with her.”

    Thanks, sweets! Here’s a Bitch Cookie for you AND one for the Professional Masturbator!

  126. Janus says

    July 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Also, “She’s innocent in all this because when I first asked her out, I told her I was getting a divorce.” Still “innocent” after 2+ years!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      I really hate it when they expect a bitch cookie for their affair partner.

  127. Flora says

    July 22, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    My husband wanted cookies for honesty when he confessed to me  he’d called his “special friend” again  despite promising me (again) that he wouldn’t.  Looking back now, I realize he was only being truthful because he figured I was going to find out on my own when I checked the spyware he thought I’d installed on his phone.(He saw the receipt for it, but I never could get the damn thing to work!)

  128. buttercup says

    July 22, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Oh yeah, and of course my personal favorite…

    “I was never late picking up or dropping off our kids to school because of OW!”

    Oh yay. My kids don’t have to stand around wondering when their “father” is coming to get them.

  129. mai mai says

    July 22, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Post BD, my stbx refused to move out. I had to be the one to file for D and get a legal separation in order. When the children and I moved out, stbx reminded us that I should be happy that our new home had recently had a new kitchen installed.

    Yeah. That makes up for betraying me, trashing our marriage and busting up our children’s home: a new kitchen. Awesome! Anytime I happen to be feeling low, I just take a look at my kitchen and all my sadness just magically disappears.

  130. chimp Lady says

    July 22, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    During our ‘healing separation’ which he begged me for because I was about to leave him, he was screwing someone else. I didn’t know that until we got back together. Three weeks later he asked me for an ‘Open ReLationship” !!! I told him I’d been hoping to have a relationship with HIM. After that it was over for me. But it still took another three months of awfulness, utter awfulness that was me being dead inside, until I found his email open and the love letters. When I confronted him, he denied it. When I told him I had printed out the letters and had copies, he got this smirk on his face and said “You should take a page out of all those self-help books you read, and forgive me” !!! Bitch cookie. No remorse at all- but really really mad that I’d found out. 2 years later he is still trying to destroy me. But I have a great lawyer who is familiar with Bill Eddy’s work.

    I’ve been reading every single word on here. It’s so great to have this badass advice! It makes me laugh out loud. I have also been working my ass off with Melanie Tonia Evans NARP program (Narcissitic Abuse Recovery Program) It has helped me not to go insane- and even to start feeling really good (at times) while downloading the stored up crap. Thank you so much Chump Lady! and all the contributors here who are so SO smart and funny!!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 4:48 pm

      I think smirking is a huge red flag. 30 years of “friendship” and I never saw one smirk. As soon as the cheating started, he was smirking like a teenager.

      • Val says

        August 3, 2014 at 9:55 am

        YES! My EH would come home smirking after being with MOW. He thought he was so clever. Bitch Cookie.

  131. Einstein says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    “I was good to you!”

  132. GladIt'sOver says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Long after separation, ex sent me a text saying that he was still using the grocery rewards card linked to my account because “he wanted to keep helping me out.” Yeah, thanks ex, it would be a lot more helpful if you paid the $39K in child support you still owe me, and hadn’t just petitioned the courts to reduce your support order to nothing.

    • Chumpalicious says

      July 22, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Can you use Cream of Wheat to make Bitch Cookies?

      • GladIt'sOver says

        July 22, 2014 at 8:58 pm

        Very special bitch cookies. 😉

  133. Susan says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    Oh and mine told our counselor in his individual session “what does it matter if I tell her I had sex with 5 women or 25 women, she’s going to be hurt and upset either way so there’s no reason to tell her there are more than she knows about”. Obviously she relayed that statement to me…thank goodness!

  134. Uniquelyme says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    When I was in one of my crying sprees after the first affair (mind you, he told me he had an affair with a married woman while I was pregnant and he told me when our son was 6 weeks old) and so angry, he said, “I already said I’m sorry. What else do you want?” Gee, sorry I upset you, Mr. Amazing. (puke)

    • Val says

      August 3, 2014 at 9:59 am

      I heard that one too. He never apologized to me. He called up my mother and apologized to her, and she told him that he needed to tell me that he was sorry. He never did, but insisted he did. “I distinctly remember telling you I was sorry. How many times do I have to say it?” What a flaming turd.

  135. Bud says

    July 22, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    My Ex wife told me the day she confessed to her adultery. “It’s not like I killed someone”.

    No you just ripped my heart out and watched me fold up on the floor.

    • Kat says

      July 22, 2014 at 8:42 pm

      “It’s not like I killed someone.” Yeah, a rapist could use that same argument.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:52 pm

      Unbelievable bitch. She gets the bitch cookie that the dog was licking. “It’s not like I peed on it.”

  136. exrepeatedmeme says

    July 22, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    I’m trying (still) to negotiate a separation agreement through our lawyers – he will have been gone from the house three years in October. I thought that I had heard just about everything in the way of idiocy from STBX, but this week’s was a topper, and I had to share.

    Having been married for a very long time, he owes me spousal support. I’m trying to get a lump sum so I don’t have to deal with him ever again, and am willing to negotiate around the set figure. Imagine my astonishment when his lawyer send an e-mail to mine, saying that she was going to have to talk to STBX and explain what a “lump sum payment” is. He e-mailed his lawyer and said, “but I get the money back if I get sick, right?”

    No. No you do not. But I can certainly send you several bitch cookies in lieu.

    Asshat.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Clearly your STBX didn’t imagine there would ever be consequences. Bitch cookie for the poor fellow.

      • exrepeatedmeme says

        July 22, 2014 at 11:20 pm

        LaJ, he certainly did not think that there would be any consequences, but now that OW has left him I think the realization is dawning that maybe a 60 year old, fat, impotent, COPD-suffering smoker going through a divorce is not the Catch of the Day, especially since he is not getting all the assets (I think that he told OW that he would get everything, which was why she hung around so long.)

        I recently found out that he met OW through Match.com some time before he left me. I’d go check out his profile for shits and giggles but it’s not really worth the effort at this point. Gotta give him points for keeping on with the entitlement, though, in spite of the odds!

        Yeah, that deserves another bitch cookie.

        • LovedaJackass says

          July 23, 2014 at 4:51 pm

          Yeah, when they are in the “falling in love” affair stage, they’re bulletproof. And I do think that for some cheaters and some APs, once the Chump jumps off the crazy train, the fun is over. Time to move on and break up someone else’s home. It’s sad, though, how some of them overestimate their attractiveness.

  137. PlainChump says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    “She cried when I took you to our Sunday’s brunch…” I was pregnant at the time and we had an infant and a toddler…

    • PlainChump says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:25 pm

      His excuse to why he wouldn’t take us out…

      • PlainChump says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:28 pm

        “You didn’t expect him to stay alone long, did you?” Mother-in-law’s response when I asked her if she knew he was moving in with OW and we are still in divorce process

        • PlainChump says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:30 pm

          “It’s not like I want to marry her! I just want to have the freedom to date her like we did (me and him)…fast forward several months he was living with her before he even filed for divorce…

          • PlainChump says

            July 22, 2014 at 9:37 pm

            “You are so practical. I don’t understand why you are so upset about a divorce”

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 22, 2014 at 9:56 pm

            He can’t be alone. Even his mother sees that. Pitiful fool with a pitiful mother. Mother-son bitch cookies.

            • PlainChump says

              July 23, 2014 at 12:11 am

              “Mother-son bitch cookies”. “Skank cookie”. I’m still confused how to call them but I’ll call you “awesome” for the terms! Thank you!!

        • sodone says

          July 22, 2014 at 9:33 pm

          hear that! when my x was pulled out for 2nd degree assault on me, Mil reaction was “he didn’t mean to hurt you, I will pray for him. I will pray for both of you”.

          • PlainChump says

            July 23, 2014 at 12:18 am

            Horrible how they try to minimize the pain their “perfect” sons inflict. As if praying absolves them of their sins.

            • Looking for wisdom says

              July 23, 2014 at 6:32 am

              Tracy, I think you should do a post on the most ridiculous shit other people (MILs, sibs, coworkers, perfect strangers, etc.) said to you about your idiot cheater spouse. Followed up by a post about the most helpful, supportive things people said to you when you were at your lowest to help you get the courage to leave and start over.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 22, 2014 at 9:57 pm

        SKANK cookie for the weeping OW, cheating on a man with a pregnant wife, an infant and a toddler.

        • diana l says

          July 31, 2014 at 12:19 am

          He probably told OW he wasn’t having sex with his wife, they would divorce soon, etc.

  138. Jane says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    What a great post. Brings back memories of the time he told me

    “I actually prefer sex with you.” and

    “She’s nothing to look at.”

    Seriously!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm

      Just goes to show that these disordered jackasses don’t care about anyone but themselves. We’re just tokens in their games.

      • PattyToo says

        July 23, 2014 at 12:51 am

        That’s it exactly.
        It would be funny, if it wasn’t so pathetic!
        My X told me lots of TMI about his twu wuv’s body, and sex performance, in other words, he basically told me-Oh, Baby, I don’t know why I did her, you were so much better!
        Thanks tons! Why did you keep sneaking around with her for 3 freaking years?
        Was that some kind of left-handed compliment?
        Have a Bitch Cookie, and give your Bitch one, too!

  139. Beth says

    July 22, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    My ex told me: “You’re just not the right kind of wife that I need! If you were the right kind of wife, I wouldn’t have to drink, look at porn and have affairs!”
    Later, when I couldn’t hardly stand to even let him touch me anymore…but hadn’t figured out a way to get myself out and away yet…he screamed: “I wouldn’t want to stick my dick in you even if you DID want it…because even a whore feels better than you!”

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 22, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      He doesn’t get a bitch cookie for that. He gets a bitch slapping. That’s mean and cruel. So sorry you ever heard those words.

      • Beth says

        July 23, 2014 at 12:49 am

        He told my adult sons that the only reason he “had to look at porn and have affairs”…is because I was so unresponsive to him sexually. He failed to mention that I only started pulling away from him during the last 2 1/2 years of our 28 year marriage, when I finally began to realize the truth that my only value to him was that of a possession. Not to mention the part about his verbal and emotional abuse destroying me from the inside out…having something to do with my ability to even BE sexually responsive to him. Sadly…my sons now feel sorry for him and…also, like him…they pretty much blame me for everything that ever went wrong in the history of the universe.

        • PattyToo says

          July 23, 2014 at 1:19 am

          He should NOT be talking to your sons about their parents sex life. So inappropriate, it shows he just has verbal diarrhea.

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 23, 2014 at 4:54 pm

            Also very poor boundaries. But hey, he’s a cheater.

  140. Freeatlast says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Mine confessed that he told his affair partners that he would never leave me. Ah………. and they say chivalry is dead. I’m a lucky lady! 🙂

  141. Magicrain says

    July 22, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    I feel so left out. All I got was ” I need a break”. Which meant I am living with my secretary. Me: are you fucking her. Him: god no. I need time. Time to lie, hide money, sneak around, go on a vacation with her all while i am thinking he is coming back. Batch of Christmas bitch cookies. He has never admitted it. I have proof proof proof. Nope not him.

    • Lily Bart says

      July 23, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      Proof is what you need to move forward and away from that douchebag. But to a disordered cheater proof is nothing more than an annoying distraction. “How dare you cast doubt on my character and make me look bad with your ‘proof.’ I’m so insulted. Now let me get back to my secret life.”

      God, I dealt with this for so long. This was actually therapeutic to write out.

      So I’ll say to both of us: Run, run, run away from this pathological liar.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 23, 2014 at 5:01 pm

        Well said! That was the Jackass, too. He needed “time” because he had somehow fallen into a “new life” that he was unable to explain. Turns out he was reliving 1981 with his neighbor MOW once he moved back to take care of the family home after his elderly parents moved out. It was all a con. His words were “i would never step out on you. I won’t tolerate bein accused of that.” Run through the cheaterspeak BS translator: “Whatever I did with her didn’t count as cheating. To me. And I can’t tolerate anyone knowing that I was involved with MOW. Now let me get back to my secret life.”

        I was lucky that he just discarded me. It was ridiculously painful at the time but now, 11 months from the beginning of the worst of it, I can see “meh” up ahead. I will get there on a Tuesday, probably in August or early September.

  142. blue says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    “What about all I did to help you with your career?”

    “I gave you the two beautiful children you always wanted. I even had sex with you when I didn’t want to.”

    “I didn’t even have sex with her. It’s true love. Everyone will understand and forgive me like they did with Mark Sanford.”

    “I never even kissed another woman outside of our marriage until you took revenge on me by telling everyone about the affair.”

    “I know what I did was wrong. I am going to make amends and show that I am a good person by mentoring a former foster child at work.”

    “What about that coat I bought you last year? You never bought me a coat.”

    “What about all the desserts I bought you? You never bought me dessert.”

    “She reminds me of you 20 years ago.”

    “She brought me to all these jewelry shops and pointed out expensive jewelry. I knew she was asking me to buy it for her, but I never did. I’m above that.”

    “I never took her to expensive restaurants, but just cheap places near my work.” (Turned out to be a lie–saw on his credit card statements many several-hundred-dollar sushi dinners. She must have loved sushi!)

    “I’ll move into a new one-bedroom apartment to be near work, and, after our lease is up (on our two-bedroom apartment), you and the kids can move into a new one-bedroom apartment, too! This will be a good way to save money.”

    “If I was stranded on a deserted island and could choose only one person to spend my days with, it would be with you, because I never get bored talking with you.”

    “The affair was ‘very brief.'” (Lasted at least 8 months that he would admit to.)

    “I took you and the kids to the movies yesterday!”

    “My second wife will be a stay-at-home-mom type who will take care of the kids, so you don’t have to worry about juggling child care. And you could come to our home whenever you wanted to after work to visit the kids! This way you can focus on your career (because it would be a waste for you not to put your talents to use), and the kids would be with someone who was trustworthy and truly cared about them, instead of a stranger who would just be doing it for the money.” (My XH is currently living with his parents and has the kids 4 nights per month.)

    • chumppalla says

      July 23, 2014 at 10:55 am

      Holy Shit. So sorry, Blue! There aren’t enough cookies for this guy.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      I forgot to say, yes, run, run, run. There is a wonderful life ahead for you.

  143. GateauxDispenser says

    July 22, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    I dubbed myself Gateaux Dispenser as I’m still married to the schmuck (only for my daughter’s sake) however, she will get older, there’s still time to hatch a plan ( cue the Great Escape theme music). One day, a Tuesday no doubt I’ll wriggle free, hope he gets type 2 diabetes for all the cake + cookies!

  144. Ayesha says

    July 23, 2014 at 12:25 am

    “Ok so I gave u an STD, don’t see why u’re making such a big deal out of it n why u’re upset from so many days, it’s not like I gave u AIDS or something.”
    This is what I got from him after my first D-Day :/

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      He’s gross.

  145. Ayesha says

    July 23, 2014 at 12:30 am

    “Ok so I gave u an STD, don’t know why u’re making such a big deal about it and why u’re upset from so many days, it’s not like I gave you AIDS or something.”
    This is what I got after my 1st D-Day.

  146. KitKat says

    July 23, 2014 at 12:42 am

    I also got “Isn’t it great I don’t beat you up?” over the years. I’m surprised so many others have uttered something similar. Amazing.

    And I just remembered this gem “One reason you have such a big retirement account is because you had a husband who let you work all these years.” Uh, thanks? Imma let you finish that cookie.

  147. TodoVa says

    July 23, 2014 at 1:09 am

    ExH: “you should have consulted me before you contacted her.”

    Me: “well, maybe you should have consulted me before you fucked here. “

    • TodoVa says

      July 23, 2014 at 1:10 am

      *her

  148. BreathingDeeply says

    July 23, 2014 at 1:16 am

    It is only now that I realize my ex was a baker and a feeder. He kept giving me bitch cookies. Don’t think I can quite get to a baker’s dozen but let’s try an even 10:
    1. I may have cheated, but I was never going to leave you for any of them
    2. (when he had sex in our bed) Ok, but I changed the sheets
    3. (when he gave an AP a Valentine’s Day card) – I didn’t sign my name!
    4. Im so good in every other way, cheating is my only fault!
    5. Im the only man you’ve ever been with that can make the eggs the way you like them (bc that is what matters)
    6. (when he was hitting on a woman at a party we were both at) well, it’s ok bc you were there so I wasn’t going to go home with her
    7. (when he got a hand job in his office by a ho-worker) – it was just a hand job, not sex or anything – geez!!
    8. when he gave me a curable STI and I took the steps to get it cleared, he actually said, “See, at least I didn’t give you herpes. Im so glad u no longer have it”. Like he was responsible for being STI free!

    9. When I asked for a suspected ho-worker’s number so I could check the call log and he gave me the real number, he wanted credit for not giving me a fake one! Of course, turned out he was having an affair with her but he actually asked if it counted for something that he gave me her real number

    10. When found out, he said dropped the AP and said, “I chose you didn’t I??” Lucky me!

    Unfortunately, all of the above came in quick succession, so i only confronted him about most of these after I found out about the first couple but it is only when I write this list that I think how truly fucked up he is and how re-building my life in a new place has been a challenge worth doing

  149. DefyingGravity says

    July 23, 2014 at 10:28 am

    This is the one I just couldn’t get over:

    When he was trying to reconcile after me finding out about multiple prostitutes and fuckbuddies throughout our marriage: “I hurt so much knowing how much pain I caused you…but I know that the pain I feel PROBABLY pales in comparison to the pain I caused you…” (emphasis added)

    PROBABLY?????? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. He has absolutely no concept of the devastation this caused. Eat a cookie, bitch.

  150. Lina says

    July 23, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    As he was walking out, mine told me that when my elderly father dies, I can rent out his apartment and I’ll be better off than he (H) will be. I might even get a tenant that will do the yard work!

    So nice of him to give me something to look forward to.

    To add injury to insult, the house belonged to my father and I when I got married and I still had to buy ex out of one third.

  151. Drew says

    July 23, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    My cheater ex had these gems to say as he skipped happily out of his 20 year marriage (and family life): “She’s [referring to his skank rb partner] a LOUSY racquetball player.” But good enough to fuck over your wife and kids for, Golden Pussy, y’all. “You and the kids have always been so much happier when I was away.” Bitch cookie for having a supportive family, bitch cookie for having a great job, bitch cookie for spending lots of time at fitness clubs (best places to cheat EVER!). “You don’t need me, you have always been strong.” WTF bitch cookie to me for showing up! “You will always be my FIRST love.” Nice to know! Bitch cookie to OW for giving him the ultimatum. Lol. Thank God he made the right decision! Bitch cookie for his “honesty” and his need for married sex before he left, guess he wanted great memories. Oh best thing he ever said, “Everything about MY LIFE is perfect, except for YOU!” My truth looking back. Life with an entitled Narc never works. Bitch cookie to my ex for making all those sane normal adult decisions. Oh and when he vandalized our foreclosed house, “I thought all owners did this!” Ditching the house in the divorce was his great fuck you. Big man bitch cookie. So I called the cops. Tell your story to your fellow peace officers, Bitch! So so so glad not to have this dysfunction in my life. Hang on Chumps! I have learned not to put up with so much shit. It’s a great life skill to place your values first. And to live authentically.

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      Let me tell you this–no one needs an opposite sex racquetball, tennis, bowling, golf, bridge, running, swimming partner. Somehow people got bamboozled into thinking that it was perfectly OK for their spouses to spend big chunk of their leisure time with other people of the opposite sex as running partners, playing tennis (i.e., the gender that you are sexually attracted to.) I can still remember when Jackass first starting talking about his deceased friend’s sister; I was afraid (afraid!) to ask questions because I might look jealous. Well, turns out I had every reason to be jealous. There are only so many leisure hours in a person’s life. The spouse/partner and kids get first call on that time; the spouse should be the primary social partner. While I have significant male friends in my life, we don’t “do” things together as a “couple.” If I was in a relationship and the guy said some woman was now his racquetball partner, he can take his racquet and go home. For good. And that goes for guys who spend all their free time drinking with their buddies (yeah, I’m talking about you, drinker exH).

      I have plenty of friends of both sexes, but I don’t need to spend 5-6 hours per week running with a man not my husband or playing racquetball or going alone with them to the movies or out to dinner at night. First, I don’t have all that much truly free time, and when I have time, I want to spend it with the people I love most. Second, I don’t want to do anything to make a partner feel “second best” in the marriage. Once I did that without understanding it; there was nothing romantic involved at all, but I didn’t do a good job of making sure the emotional closeness of the friendship wasn’t filling needs that the marriage should fill. I had a husband who felt “second best.” And that was my fault.

  152. Luziana says

    July 23, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    My STBX just filed dissolution papers today. With my blessing because I no longer want the sparkly old turd. I stipulated that he would pay ALL LEGAL COSTS. Which he and OW obligingly did at great financial sacrifice to their poor selves because OW is a “nice person” who does not want her reputation smeared and will not go fully public with sleeping with a married co-worker until a case is filed.

    She’ll text a married man 5000 times in six weeks including during family outings to baseball games and Disney, and sleep with him and drag her own kids around him, but she is a nice girl.

    OH and HUBS- in the ten days between D-Day and GTFO because your daddy wired you money from Britain. Refused to touch me because “he is monogamous by nature” Continued to blatantly text OW in front of me. When I asked him to stop he said “It’s gone on for a month and a half, why does it bother you now?”

    Because I KNOW NOW, asshole! Because I KNOW! Shut your gob with this Bitch Cookie!

    • DoneNow says

      July 23, 2014 at 4:28 pm

      Tough day for you! Congratulations for getting through. I hope once everything is final and signed off on by the judge you will smear her reputation from here to kingdom come-just for a bit. Then move on. My ex used to text OW in front of me and it was INFURIATING. He didn’t admit it though. I can’t imagine being that insensitive to anyone, but hey, I can’t imagine doing most of the things he did and that I read about here. I think your stbx needs to look up the definition of monogamous. Asshat.

      • Luziana says

        July 23, 2014 at 4:52 pm

        I know, right!

        Oddly I have NO feelings of hatred toward OW. She is a plainfaced, needy, stupid woman who looks like Bruce Springsteen with tits. She can have her bitch cookie with a side of Narcissistic Turd Surprise in her own time. OH, how I hope she rushes into terrible attachment and mental slavery to Sparkles McThunderturd and comes to a pile on the floor in her own time.

        But I’ll be five Tuesdays to Meh by then!\

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 23, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      “Why does it bother you now?” Sheeesh. Blockhead.

  153. MichaelD says

    July 23, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    Wow I am comment 503 !!! This gets a standing ovation from me !!!

    I can’t rem any bitch cookie moments ,, that’s because it’s all a bitch cookie with her.
    I have to work 6.5 hrs a week boo fucking hoo and the daily drama of those 6 hrs is enough to fill a blog in itself BARF ! Skip the fucking drama and your job becomes much easier and so does life 🙂

  154. MichaelD says

    July 23, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    I meant 6.5 hrs a day sorry ohh 505 !

  155. Ms. Shepp says

    July 23, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    Time management…yeah, that’s the problem. You always make me laugh. Thanks for the definition, I was wondering exactly what it was.

    I’d never heard ‘bitch cookie’ until I read a most hysterical response from Rumblekitty on July 8 to a cheater who was expressing his remorse. It was so funny that I saved it. Here it is:

    “You’re a prince I’m sure. And a fucking hero for admitting you’ve been a douche bag to someone who didn’t deserve it. Here’s a bitch cookie.”

    Still makes me laugh.

  156. Jenny says

    July 25, 2014 at 11:32 am

    My X had a 3+ year affair that continued throughout a year and a half of false reconciliation, gas lighting and lies. When I finally forced him out of the house (“it’s my house where my kids are and I’m not leaving and you can’t do anything about it.”) and filed for the divorce he decided he was desperate for another chance when I started to date a male coworker and really move on around the time the divorce was final. Super-chump me let him come back home to give him that ONE LAST CHANCE. I found out a few weeks in he was still in regular contact with OW and had even SEEN her but “did not have sex” (bitch cookie) . Couldn’t understand why I was mad enough to move myself. He is attached to his house? He can have it without his family. And when I told him he never really tried to reconcile he told me he tried “for a WHOLE WEEK” (BITCH COOKIE!!) her thanks for your effort after 16 yrs and 3 kids……good riddance!

  157. Fleesha says

    July 29, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    “I love you. I’m only with her because she’s someone I can hurt” this was a comment after d-day. He’s continued a relationship with the OW after he cheated and walked out on me. Oh and his two nephews that we took in who I was left to care for..

  158. Nola says

    August 5, 2014 at 12:13 am

    Loving the “bitch cookie” idea! I was told that he thought that he would “just get it out of his system”. Bitch cookie. That he loved me but just wasn’t “in love with me”. Bitch cookie. He continues to use a profile picture of himself on Facebook that the OW took of him because “it’s a good pic of me”. Bitch cookie. In response to my saying that he wasn’t really trying in our relationship after he said that he had ended it with the OW, “well, I’m here, aren’t I?”. Bitch cookie. And on and on….. I’m so glad to hear that it’s not only me hearing this crap!

    • Nola says

      August 5, 2014 at 1:13 am

      Oh! And how about when he went to visit her for a few days while I was out of the country and when I confronted him he said that she told him that she was pregnant. At 50???? Bitch cookie. He felt sorry for her. Bitch cookie. He bought her Victoria secrets panties but she gave him the money to buy them for her! A box of those Bitch Cookies.

  159. Niddrie says

    August 11, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    I have a winner- my cheater was with her fuckbuddy when I found out, I called and she said “I was going to come home tonight!” I told her to come home then and talk to me about it, not only did she not come home then, but she never came home again. She also tried to get a bitch cookie for moving her shit out of my house after four weeks of me begging her to. Unreal.

  160. debby says

    October 13, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Here’s a bitch cookie all chumps can appreciate. “All the porn I was I watching created temptation to hire prositutes, take your brother to strip clubs for private lap dances, and I did this for years because I kind of felt entitled”. Talking about mindfuckery.

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