Dear Chump Lady,
Is there any way back from a 13-month-long emotional affair? My husband and our insurance agent carried on behind my back, talking, texting, sometimes meeting in the park near our home. They were just friends, blah, blah, blah.
I know your friends and she’s not one of them. The worst part was he called her his “best friend” and said if I hadn’t found out, it would still be going on. WTF? Is there any reason to reconcile other than, they didn’t have sex?
Mind Fucked in Miami!
Your insurance agent? Really? Can you imagine the pillow talk? “Want to come up and see my actuarial charts some time?” “Whisper Best’s Capital Adequacy Relativity to me, Baby!” “Can I be your underwriter? Then I can see those… assets.”
No offense to insurance agents, but just goes to show anyone can be a cheater. Even the dullest of the professions. For people who spend their days calculating risks and outcomes, she must be one of the dimmest insurance agents ever — busted having an affair. Yeah, no one saw that coming.
But your question is can this marriage be saved? Well, MFIM what are your deal breakers? From where I sit you’ve got nothing to work with. He’s not one bit sorry. If it weren’t for you finding out — “it would still be going on.” So apparently your husband sees you as a real killjoy. You messed up his good thing with Ms. Allstate there.
And what makes you think that they didn’t have sex? Because he said so? Cheaters lie.
Thirteen months in close proximity and they go to parks? What do you think is going on? Picnics and furtive liverwurst sandwich sharing? Pushing each other on the swing set? Litter pick up?
No, grown-ups generally don’t spend this kind of time together unless they’re fucking. No adult man spends over a year courting someone and referring to her as his “best friend” unless he is screwing her. I’m sorry.
But let’s say for the sake of argument that it’s not physical — it’s still a betrayal. You’re his wife. The “best friend” life slot is reserved for you. He is not supposed to share emotional intimacies like this with another woman, and then resent you for getting in the way of his happiness.
The other thing that would give me pause is that he’s quite adept at carrying out a double life for 13 straight months (that you know of). Personally, I could never feel safe with someone who could do that. So your trust is shattered either way, emotional, physical or both.
So can you reconcile with that? Sure, if you want a remorseless cheater for a husband. Personally, I think there are better ways to live. And I suggest you go see a lawyer and explore them.
Tell your husband you’ve examined your fucktard coverage and noticed that 13-month affairs are not insured. He’ll have to eat the loss.