Okay chumps, I need some uplift. This week it’s been abandoning daddies, abortion, and blogging. I think it’s time for another “Tell Me How You’re Mighty” post. I’m sure you’ve all been getting your mighty on since last I asked over a year ago. So fill me in — what have you done for you lately?
Look, I know some of you don’t feel too mighty right now. Perhaps it’s early days and your mighty is managing a shower and an Ensure milkshake. I know others of you have finished degrees, gotten remarried, and started lawnmowers alone. ALL mightiness is welcome! No matter how small, no matter how large, I want to hear about all the ways you’ve gained a life.
Inspire your fellow chumps. Lay it on me.
Since last year I:
Filed for divorce! I hope it will be finalized by November (although he is not getting an attorney, so not sure how that will hurt or help me).
Kicked out my roommate for not paying rent and being hoarder-like disgusting and now no one is in my house but my two beagles.
I painted an old piece of furniture bright yellow.
Got a raise and I’m anticipated to get a promotion next year which will help me keep my house (and lowering the monthly payment in the meantime due to the refinance).
Told my STBX the exact comebacks from CL’s book when he broke into the house to say “sorry how things turned out.”
I’ve been continuing to go the gym, although that hasn’t helped my squigyness at all, oh well. 🙂 I did complete two 5Ks though. Not fast, but I didn’t die.
I am learning electrical work so I can replace light fixtures with awesome ones.
Decorating my house the way I want it to look (that’s where most of my energy is right now).
That’s the biggie ones anyway. I’d love to read other mighty stories, especially in the love department! 🙂
Yay 5K! Good for you!
Aw thanks fiesty! Never thought I could do it, but I did! I was super emotional when I crossed the finish line though so there are lots of photos with me doing the ugly cry, but ah, who cares! 🙂
Wooo! Learning electrical work = lady boner moment. 🙂
Yeah RK! It’s scary but I figure if men can do it, so can we, right? 🙂 And I say “lady boner” and “ladywood” too! hahahah
“he broke into the house to say sorry how things turned out”.
That’s messed up
Ohhh yeah CC, he still had a key to the house so he just let himself in. I changed the locks quickly after that. He told me he left because he was depressed, and he said “well you were depressed too when you were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes” and I said “uh yeah and I didn’t fuck anyone else!” Chump Nation had my back that day, and y’all didn’t know it. 😉
Changing locks: Lady boner! Wooot!
Way to go…..keep on keeping on!
My H left me in the lurch in a foreign country with a 3yo and 6 mo old to go out and find his happy. No known cheat in progress, pure unadulterated selfish entitlement though.
After the first 3-6 months of marriage counselling, falling apart and fleeing to my home country (not the same as his), I’ve focused on rebuilding my curriculum and have applied for over 120 jobs. I have been offered about 15 so far. At this moment I’m working one as a short contract, whilst I sell the house in the country we’ve been living (completed yesterday). He is minding the kids during the summer vacation whilst I get my life in order. I’m about to accept a well paid permanent full time job back in my home country to start in 6 weeks or so. My biggest dilemma these days is which direction to take for me. I have job options coming left right and centre, and I need to decide the best choice.
This year has been full of highs and lows, all of the highs came about completely independent of H, he has always been a low. There is something in that. I am starting to be ME again and I love it. My kids and I have become a really tight unit and we’ve been happy. They no longer miss their dad, although they’re happy to see him, he has become “Uncle Daddy”.
The roller coaster is still there, but, Focus on YOU. CL is completely right, YOU are mighty.
JJ- you’ve got doors opening left and right! Congratulations!!!! You are mighty!
You are a force! Sounds like things are going very well….
Hey– they are talking about cluster(fuck) B types on On Point (NPR) radio right now. I just posted a facebook linky on their page to the blog. WE are mighty!
PS. They call ’em “the dark triad’ (narcissistic, antisocial, manipulative). check, got it!
Ooh. I want to hear that. Do they stream? Can I download later?
Your wish is my command, oh great sane one! http://onpoint.wbur.org/
(But you must scroll down…I am not a doormat 😉 )
I love Tom Ashbrook — my local radio crush. 🙂 I will definitely be listening to the podcast.
I got my MIGHTY ON and bought an apartment all on my own! My STBX was shocked when I told him that little me found a place, got a mortgage and met the Coop Board and moved in and not once did I ask for his help! I surrounded myself with good friends and all of their friends and knowledge and I got the place painted for free and with the help of my daughters’ college friends, moved in! It’s MY space and I can decorate it just how I want. No one making decisions for me and that’s fine! He’s now seen it twice and is jealous! Sorry buddy, but I’m not waiting around and watching my money go nowhere! I’m a homeowner and proud of it! Next will be to take a vacation solo!
*thumbs up* That is awesome!!!
yay Susan– as the great and weird Virginia Woof said, A Room of One’s Own is necessary, etc.
erm, that would be V. Woolf. Ahem. Apparently I have dogs on the brain, as well as the floor, the sofa, and the bed.
Hahaha. After reading that thirty times I finally got it. I may be mighty but I am SLOW this week. V Woof. Thanks namedforvera for the laugh. And that is totally something I would do too!
My divorce was final on April 21st! That alone was a huge mountain to climb. Becoming free from my exH was paramount to my healing. I sold our marital home (also another huge step in healing) and purchased my very own townhouse. I packed up 23 years of my life a total of 3 times (long story but there were difficulties with our sale) and moved it all in to my new place. I got a mortgage all on my own!!!! I cut my own grass……starting up my own mower is liberating (even if it is electric..HAHA)!!!
I love my new place!!! My two teenage daughters love our new place! All of their friends come to hang out too….they love it! My life is drama free for the most part now! I sleep soundly now!!!! EVERY NIGHT!!!!
I joined a gym close to my new house and I am concentrating on myself. I take day trips to the beach when I can and I enjoy my time with my daughters. I make a plan once a week to meet with a girlfriend to do something fun!
I am enjoying my life again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn’t be happier!
Congratulations Kimmy!!!!! Mine was final April 3rd, after 19 years of marriage. We are strong and awesome 🙂
Congratulations LL and Kimmy! My divorce was final on April 28th and I couldn’t be happier! It literally took CL’s slap in the face to even get out of bed some days and after 20 years and 2 DDAY’s, 8 years apart, my girls and I are FREE of phycho-babble! It feels so…AWESOME!
Everyone here is MIGHTY and I love you all for your strength, courage and resilience! I have learned a great from each and everyone of you and for that I am grateful.
**other than actually filing for divorce and going through with it, I think I feel most mighty for being able to change the locks on the front door. That stuff was challenging…arghhh. It was so liberating though, knowing my exH would not be able to come through that door! I still smile from ear to ear when I think back to that day 🙂
I understand that smile! I also got that smile the first time some bill collector called for the ex and I could say “he does not live here”, corse since it was a bill collector I graciously gave home my ex’ cell phone number 🙂
Gave HIM, damn autocorrect
Look how helpful you are! That’s awesome!
Yes…for changing the Locks! I did this as well, all on my own! It felt so good! However I forgot to change one lock. The one to the deck door that has no deck. He actually took a ladder and helped himself in 6 months after to do something on the computer system. I found out when my daughter asked me the next morning if I had been up in the middle of the night wandering around the house in the back part. I said no. And she said I thought it wasn’t you…didn’t sound like your walk. she Lives in the basement, her room right above the room with the computer in it. After that my private family email program ceased to work. He claimed he knew nothing about it, and chose not to look into why? Or he said he did and gave me no way to get back in. Just as well….he’s a computer whiz and can hack hos way in to most things. So I now have my own internet that he has no access to. That really pisses him off. You see we have servers for his business still in the house. I just had a new service put in for myself. So way to go with changing the locks….I recommend that to anyone!
I didn’t have to change locks because of my XH but I bought keyless entries for all my exterior doors. That way you never have to change locks again….just access codes. Schlage has some that are high quality and reasonable. I installed them myself along with new door hardware on all my interior doors. Yay me! I ran a drill!!
Basically the mightiest-ness in my life? Remaining happily and in a healthy, connected relationship with my 22 YO daughter. Emotionally supported her all through high school, college (which sucked for her), told her to yes! go! follow her dreams… now she’s living in Germany with her beloved–but soon moving to her own place b/c she wants some independence 🙂 an she got TWO job offers in her first week applying. After she finished her training course. Yay kiddo. You go Lady.
Parenting well is my mighty. And I have an awesome dog. woof.
Congrats NFV! Raising a happy well adjusted woman who still speaks to you is indeed mighty! 🙂 x
It all counts….and you are the strong dependable parent!
Alright, NFV! There is nothing more important than caring for our children
I’ve repainted the whole inside of the house by myself and it looks great.
I am managing to live within my means and save for retirement.
I have dumped some non starter boyfriends by paying attention to red flags. I have successfully employed NC with each of them.
I have accepted that while I may very well live alone to the end of my life, I can still have a lot of fun.
I repainted the whole inside of my house too! It’s exhausting but so worth the effort! Go you!!!!
And the best part was choosing the colours I wanted this time.
Well if you plan on living alone for the rest of your life because I am afraid we all have lists as long as well very long lol then you might as well be in a house with the colors you LOVE . Im thinking I wont be finding anyone soon either maybe Ill paint 🙂
I painted my living room purple, because I like purple and fuck him anyway.
Jedi hugs Roxie! I painted my living room purple too!! I freakin love it.
Ha! I painted the LR of my new place purple, too and oh yeah, FTG!
It’s therapeutic, except for the ceilings…wear a hairnet or you’ll end up salt and pepper.
Yes… Yes….don’t settle for less!
Alone can be freeing!
Do what ya want, when ya want!
I don’t feel mighty but I am getting better. 2+ years since DDay. Divorce complete-check. Refinanced the house in my own name (ok, still using his last name, but it’s part of who I am at this point, ok?)-check. My kid is upright, 2nd year of law school done-check. Haven’t seen or heard from my ex in about 6 months. Maybe I have achieved “meh”? There are days that I still find myself in tears but it’s less often and does not last as long anymore. I am still employed and have a full plate of friends and family to play with me. I have been dating a wonderful widower who loves me. Nothing in the house or truck has broken in 24 hours. I will figure out how to pay the bills tomorrow. Surviving my husband’s infidelity has been a sucky, hard journey. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…but it is what happened.
Are you KIDDING? That’s all majorly mighty. I think you need to reframe this.
Ditto to CL, you are mighty!
Uber mighty, suddenly single!
I am fairly mighty. I kept my ex’s last name, too. It matches my children’s last name. That’s something the twat troll cannot take away from me. I earned it, I’m keeping it, I’ll give it up when I’m damn good and ready.
Good for you! But on the other hand, if there were a legal way to force my cheater to switch back to her maiden name I would be very happy.
Maybe she’ll find a new sucker (hopefully one of our cheater xH’s?) and change it!
Oh! I don’t mean that you’re a sucker! 🙁
Well, I guess once upon a time we all were suckers….
Hopefully we’re all learned now.
Why, I oughta … It’s OK — I am happy to own my suckerdom. Better a sucker than a con artist.
These may seem like small feats to you….but you are well on your way to awesome! I am jealous…..
In the two years since my Ex left and took up with his devout Christian girlfriend (sarcasm intended) I have:
–Moved twice and am now renting a beautiful 2700 sq. foot home that backs up to a nature preserve and provides my two teen sons with an entire upstairs complete with huge “man cave” room for their enjoyment! (Ex is living in a tiny apartment that smells like smoke and mold – my boys shower and change clothes when they get back from visiting him)
–Received a promotion at the organization where I have worked for almost 11 years now and currently am making more money that I ever have in my adult life (Ex is still working as a “consultant” doing Lord knows what??)
–Helped found a Divorce Care class at my former church and serve as co-leader.
–Started volunteering at a local homeless shelter making crisis calls to women needing shelter due to domestic abuse or abandonment (I have a human services degree)
–Discovered that I CAN manage my finances, life, home, etc. on my own despite 20 years of being put-down and criticized by my Ex for not being “smart” or “organized” enough.
–Gotten completely out of the debt my Ex saddled me with (taxes) and have managed to follow the Dave Ramsey “financial peace” steps all the way up to Step 3.
–Moved my tiny retirement account that the Ex did not get his paws on into a better investment vehicle and am slowly starting to build some retirement savings.
–Deepened my faith – I have learned not to place my faith in man but in God. I have decided not to date until I feel fully healed, but I’m getting there!!
Just typing all this out makes me feel mighty and ready for anything life throws my way! Thank you CL for the opportunity.
WOW! And love that you’re volunteering at a shelter AND doing Divorce care. Way to pay it forward.
Way to go! We’re hoping to get Divorce Care started at our church as well. It’s desperately needed. Getting out of debt is HUGE!!
I am in awe!
Congratulations! Those are no small feats…the emotional abuse is a tough one to overcome. Karma is your side….
21-gun salute, man. That is freakin awesome!!!
I just got a another insipid request through the atty’s from my FUCKTARD HUSBAND who cheated on me for every moment of our delightful togetherness. I WANT THIS OVER. He’s now declaring bankruptcy which means I will have to file a stay in FEDERAL COURT to get a divorce settlement. And he wants to keep his artwork and his sportscar because they are more important to him than committing to help at all with his daughter’s education.
I am MIGHTY because I have not resorted to physical violence today…
Thank you very much.
Have a wonderful day.
Yes, some days it’s just enough to not kill them. Keep on being mighty.
some days, just the reminder of “Orange is not my color” is the best we can do! Keep it up! 🙂
Y’all are the best – I needed that.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. Keep doing what you’re doing!
YES!! I had several days where I fell into bed at night and counted the primary success of the day that I didn’t kill anyone. Well Done!!
MMB u r not alone! The urge to resort to physical violence is strong. Especially when the STBX fucktard in my case is a ‘lawman” and I the chumpee am a “law woman”. Were both police officers and physical violence is a regular part of our job. The grip is strong and mighty but I take it out on the bag when I kick box. I call it my cigarette!
Rising above is so so hard to do! the hardest thing to do, is not to cave in….Keep fighting!
I will give a shout to my handsome husband, Mr. Divorce Minister. He can pull off a mile in less than 7 min, bench 350lbs and he started up a much needed blog calling infidelity for what it is from an evangelical minister’s perspective. We know his ex and her parents have seen his blog and I can’t help but smirk up the wazoo knowing that they know they’re getting called out (even if not by name). He’s a wonderful father and I’m so glad that his ex forfeited because it freed him up to marry me!
“We know his ex and her parents have seen his blog and I can’t help but smirk up the wazoo knowing that they know they’re getting called out”
Oh, that must’ve been the post on Demons, huh? 😉
HA!!!!! Subtle as a gun 😉
The proper Biblical Greek translation is “demonized.” And, yes, I have my suspicions that they need to address some serious infestations. But that would take humility unseen in them so far…sadly. “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Ha!
Ok, this cracks me up. I was at the pediatrician yesterday for my baby’s wellness check and we were talking about different birth marks related to ancestry. The peds doc, who knows my story with my ex asked “Now what does your ex have in him again?” I blurted out “You mean besides demon?”.
Bravo! I need to check out this Blog…..
(almost) Finished my manuscript and have an agent who wants to see it.
Got my second kid graduated, and am sending her off to college this fall (two more kids to go, woooot!).
Got an article published in a HUGE magazine…coming out in a couple of weeks!
Still haven’t found my prince charming, but I’ve also realized that I’m doing just fine without him.
P.S. I also held my tongue when my ex didn’t bother to show up my daughter’s graduation. But I’ll say it here: ASSHOLE.
Say it loud, say it proud!!
Awesomeness!!! Hey, tell us the HUGE magazine and we’ll social media the heck out of it. Well done!
Family Circle 🙂
And I just shared your response to Why Did Daddy Leave on my blog’s facebook page. THEY LOVE YOU.
Thank you! And when is the Family Circle piece coming out?
I think the official date is August 12th…I’ll be sure to scream about it on twitter!
Happy Hausfrau, post here or in the forums too, I won’t see it on twitter and I can’t wait to read it! You are rockin!
Thank you, I will! 🙂
When your not shopping for a Mate your picker works better!
Sort of like when your pickup is about to quit and you don’t want to walk to work…
You’ll likely wind up with a lemon.
I love that. No more lemons, please 🙂
Don’t forget helped countless numbers of women feel less alone while navigating the worst time in their lives! Thank you Happy Hausfrau.
Awww….they’ve helped me just as much. Thank you, so much!
Good to see you here!
You are also one of my inspirations….
We all need to stick together….
A mighty force to be reckoned with!
Oh man. Thank you! Yep. There are so many like us. It’s overwhelming, really, when you step back and realize what an epidemic it is.
I love ChumpLady. And I love my “sisters (and brothers) in arms”.
HH, you are impressive as anything. Congratulations! I’m not a Family Circle reader, generally, but I can’t wait to see your article. What’s the manuscript?
Thank you, ANR! Manuscript is the memoir I’ve been threatening to write for a long time. Just have to get over the whole “I’m not good enough” thing.
And honestly, the only magazines I’ve read in the past few years are the gossip ones at the gym . The editor from FC approached me last year about running the essay. I will be buying multiple copies 😉
I am now coaching my son’s Basketball team as I did for my daughter years ago. This is very empowing, and just fun. All those happy 11 year old kid faces, and some of the teenage girls from mine amd my daughter’s teams in the mid 2000’s are helping me coach!!!
My daughter is in the Health Sciences Academy entering her sophomore year in High school. She passed the entrance exams for the local community College so this year she will start getting dual credit (High school/College).
Dad tries to live by “Meh” , mom is still flaky but it is so mush less impactual on the day to day family life. As long as one parent has a solid home and the kids ALWAYS know you are right there, it always works out!
We are strong, we are smart and we are mighty!
One day at a time….or one moment at times….
I feel a profound level of happiness and contentment within myself.
I know who I am.
No sparkles, just me. 🙂
Does this count??
Yes it does!
That’s all it takes…
By you saying that, it makes me feel better.
Why? Because when mine was kicked to the curb, one of things he said to me in the days following was. “Now we can each finally figure out who we really are”
By jaw hit the floor and I responded with, “I know who the fuck I am, sorry you don’t!”
That statement he made was so inflammatory it still pisses me off to this day. But one think I know for sure….I have always known who I am! I am true to myself as well as others! He is not….
It counts more than anything else, I think. Hope I get there soon.
I went paddleboarding for the first time (I’m in LOVE!) yesterday AND did yoga on my board (more in LOVE!) without falling in the water-because I am MIGHTY!!!
Donna – I went paddleboarding once last year and totally fell in love too! I really want to do it more once I get a little more time and $… hopefully in the spring if not sooner. I now live in a place that has a river and more classes and opportunities as well!!
That’s amazing! I struggle to hold poses on dry land. 🙂
My husband also left me high and dry in a very foreign country months after I had moved kids pets etc. He’s still with the gypsy he ran off with. I ended up living a great life there. My kids now have friends and experiences all over the globe. And so do I. A common thread for expats to leave their spouses. But better to be left in an exotic land He still has the crazy OW. But at least I don’t have him. 🙂
Since he’s been gone I’ve:
Gotten four paid photography jobs. Pretty good for my “silly little hobby”.
Run two half marathons and done my best times since I was in my mid twenties. Pretty good for someone who “doesn’t give a shit about health and fitness”.
Right after I found out that the ex would be keeping the house, I cleaned the pool filter all by myself (thank you YouTube!) and threw a pool party.
Everyone keeps saying that I have such a good attitude about moving out of the house and into my new life. I say – that is the choiceI have made. Just because some loser and his nasty ass ho girlfriend are going to be swimming in that pool from now on doesn’t mean I’ll never swim again! There will be other, better pools!
As a runner myself, way to go on 13.1!! Rock it!
Oh I want to make another booby trap comment (see my comment to Flower below) but I guess I’ll refrain…but seriously…itching powder in the water or something…lol
Yeah! I thought of something like that. 🙂 I am going to have to proactively add extra chlorine for the cess pool it will become with those two swimming in it…
Well done KitKat. I ran my first ever full marathon at age 50 last month in 3h 44 min. It was a great way to move on in my life, even though I’m still going through the ugly divorce process with cheating ex wife. A highly recommended boost!
That is an amazing time for your first on Kraft! You are a mighty inspiration!
Thanks KitKat! Running is a powerful physical and psychological “revitalisation” after all the crap we’ve all been through. Power to all of “us” chumps.
Good Lord Kraft, my first one last year was 5:46:08! And I’m still in my 20s! My 2nd one is in Oct and I’m just looking to be the first time! You could sign up for Boston with that time.
Fiesty thanks. I’m in Australia and I ran it at the Gold Coast, but one day plan to run some international ones, Boston or New York are on the wish list! One day when I’m happily divorced and in the land of MEH!!!
I’m on the GC in Australia too. Glad to hear your story 🙂
Hi RH. The GC marathon is an epic event in an epic location. Just fantastic. I live further north. Great to meet a fellow Queenslander here!
Good for you!
I think you guys are all awesomely mighty! Forgive me if I don’t reply to each incredible post. I’ve committed to a site redesign and I’ve got to slog through my homework, categorizing over 500 posts and writing new pages (YES, the acronym list is COMING). I’ll try to bob my head up every now and then, but keep on with your bad selves!
Since you have so many long-time followers, perhaps one of the Nation could put together the acronym list for you?
Off load a bit of your work.
I would volunteer but I’m new here and don’t know what half the things that stream by mean.
How about it folks?
No worries, Dan. I’ve got it covered, but I so appreciate the kind suggestion!
I can’t wait. I’m ex-military (abbreviation crazy) and I can’t even keep up.
I stained my stair railing and bannister, all by myself!
I have maintained a garden this summer, with a part-time job and taking care of 3 grade school age boys!
I have slowly re-entered the dating world.
I feel like things are headed in a good direction.
I envy you the garden and you are brave in the dating entry! Mighty!
Im Minime and I guess after only 4 mths Im maybe a little bit mini mighty. The day after March 16 when after 34 yrs I found out he was seeing somebody I took down all the pics of him and flushed the wedding rings (not expensive) down the toilet got a new bank acct and new visa the next day the next week had a new will. Went to work every day without crying. Didnt go on and on to my 31 yr old daughter who loves her dad about what a shit he is although lately Ive been very casually slipping in a few things. There are a few more mini mighty things Ive done but today isnt a good day and dont know why. sniff sniff But Im here and readying all the mighty things you guys are doing so I feel a little more mighty xxxxxxxx
Minime, You are very mighty!
awww thks Tom read yours and you are mighty mighty 🙂 As for the lawnmower and hedge trimming and cleaning the pool and bills and every other thing Ive always done them anyway before he left so I dont count that lol oh and Ive lost a mighty 40 lbs cause I hate doing groceries for one. 🙂
Thanks Minime!!! I am funny in that I love grocery shopping… weird how some thing are empowering for some and chores for others… I hate Laundry.. ugh… it never ends..
Sweetheart…many of us here put up with this crap for years and years. I myself was paralyzed for months…you…after 4 months…you have my utmost respect! YOU are beyond MIGHTY!!!
oooooooh thks. Not feeling too might today its raining and Im sad. Mighty sad 😉
Breathe in; Breathe out and let the rain wash it all away. You are so mighty and your strength is in your will … will I do this today or that? Keep up the good work mini. Each day that passes you grow stronger.
Well said TodoVa. Well said.
thks guys Im sitting in my office that use to be his but I changed it around and to show you I still have a sense of humour under these tears last night in the dark I closed my computer rolled my chair around got up and walked into the window now that is Mighty stupid but mighty funny. 14 years the desk was the other way lol
Ha ha. I love it. I can totally see myself doing the same thing, too, minime.
I started dating someone I would never have gone out with before…someone I didn’t fall “head over heels” for in a few months (because he isn’t a manipulative liar who tells me what I want to hear, until he doesn’t anymore). He’s a very attractive guy – I just would have thought he was “too nice” before all this…it reminds me of this earlier post, which helped me a lot:
because he is NICE, he does what he says, he doesn’t make big crazy plans with me while we just started dating…there is no “roller coaster”. It actually takes some getting used to 🙂 and I can’t say I trust it yet, but I’m learning what it’s like to actually be in a normal relationship.
I reached “meh” a few months ago. Not gonna lie, anti-depressant meds helped, a lot. As did my therapist. She thinks I had post-partum depression for years after my son was born. I never wanted to be on meds like that but now I recommend them for anyone who is really struggling and has been for what feels like too long.
With all that, I’m feeling like myself again for the first time in a long time. I’m reading a lot again, and getting more dressed up, playing more with my son; just generally taking better care of myself.
You are mighty, feels good to be off the crazy train doesn’t it?
Thanks D! It’s much more peaceful here on the ground 🙂
I signed up to the new gym and attended spin classes 4 times in a week. Sweated all the toxins out. At the end of the day, I am so exhausted I fell sleep so fast without worrying about the world.
I also signed up continuing education classes for my profession. Till then, I am reading and watching DVD to expand horizon for what I can teach more for my clients.
Feels good just focusing on myself, not worrying about my a-hole boyfriend telling me a lie no.1001..
**my EX-ahole boyfriend that was!
**also changed my cat’s food and added suppliments, no more diarrhea for her!!!!!
Hah, that made me chuckle. No more bad shit from the ex, and not from the cat, either!
I reached “meh.”
That’s it. I really have nothing else to add.
“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”
I was reading these great accomplishments feeling more and more under-accomplished till I read this one. Yes, I’ve reached the ‘meh’ too.
In addition, I’ve started the unfuckupedness bootcamp.
Thanks Dr. I Can’t Believe I’m a Chump
Reaching meh is mighty indeed!
I was in good shape last year, reconciled to the shit sandwich. This year, I’ve spent being meh. Being happy, content and at peace.
Meh is enough!
In the eleven years since my divorce, I have: Fixed the plumbing under the trailer we lived in, sold that trailer and bought a Condo, put two kids through college, confronted my NPD mother, who is trying desperately to re-connect with me (thankfully,once I was away from the gaslighting bastard, I saw who was toxic for me and cut them all off), am writing a book and am in the process of getting side-work!
Also, I have collected child support that he is so reluctant to pay!
Did I mention I filed for divorce pro se? THAT was my mightiest accomplishment!
Divorce has been filed, settlement reached through mediation and I am moving out as we speak . . .
I needed this post today, CL. Lot’s of mixed strong emotions, but glad to be moving forward. Thank You! Thank you for reminding me to remember that I am mighty!!
Gotta go load the car . . .
You go Flower! Now those blueprints of the booby traps for the ex to step on were placed where….I mean, blueprints? What? *Cough* No, these are not the droids you’re looking for….
wow moving out how do you feel about that I find that pretty Mighty. Im still going through mediation and the house will be mine but Im thinking I dont want to be here in it anymore. Ive only grown kids so need for it.
You are Mighty, handing you some virtual flowers to put in your digs 🙂
I’m moving out too… It’s hard but feels pretty good. Good luck with the move!
In the days since the divorce I have;
1) Moved halfway across the country for my job.
2)Bought a house all on my own. (All I make is small frivolous sums of spending money, indeed. Take that!)
3)Started volunteering for and working at the local humane society.
4)Am supported by and joined in the volunteering by my recently new hubby.
5) Got remarried on July 5th 2014 to a man who supports my decisions (unless I’m being an idiot lol), treats me with respect and loves my sense of humor. Who knew life could be this good!
6)Have been taking care of my illness instead of letting it own me. Yes, currently I’m still the fluffy with a thyroid problem (a few other things going on as well) but I’m on the right medications now and feeling human again! And slimming down pound by pound, whereas before the meds I worked out like crazy, exhausted myself further and still saw no difference in the scale.
I AM MIGHTY!
You kick ass, FeralBlue! Loved reading this.
I am borderline hyperthyroid myself (I have “hot” benign module), and I am convinced that is the main reason why I’m fluffy too, but because I’m just borderline docs don’t see the need to put me on meds.
Hopefully I will get to where you are at one day! 🙂
Hmm “in the days since the divorce” makes it sound recent. I’m 7 1/2 years out from the first Dday and 6 1/2 years out from the divorce. Moved 5 years ago. Bought my house 4 years ago. Started volunteering 3 years ago. And “who knew life could be this good” kinda makes it sound like only since being remarried. Life was awesome after I threw the ex out of my life. I didn’t know married life could be this good.
I have my first court date before the judge in a hour and I haven’t melted into a puddle of tears yet…I am looking classy and confident and I’m determined to ignore stbxh if he actually shows up! Does that count?
Any of us who have to see the X even for one second is Mighty Mighty 🙂 Good luck
GOOD LUCK! 🙂
Damn straight you are mighty lovehonorcherish, how did it go? Many Jedi hugs to you.
It went well. Stbxh DID show up, he made a beeline for me and I swear to God, I think he thought we were going to stand around and shoot the shit until our case was called. I put my bitch boots on, stuck my nose in the air and ignored him completely! My attorney had a couple of surprises for stbxh up his sleeve…but the highlight of my day was seeing the expression on stbxh’s face when he spotted my Dad sitting beside me. PRICELESS : )
I’m enjoying my vision of you with your bitch boots on lovehonorcherish, glad things went well 🙂
I LOVE that your dad was there – that’s a badass dad!
He sure is!!
I’ll tell you how I’m mighty. After the complete and utter mindfuck of discovering my husband’s (second) secret life with (yet) another woman – and that it had been going on for at least a year and a half – and his total blame shifting, I got the added heartbreak of hearing from my beloved only child that she also blamed me (“100 percent,” she said) for the ensuing divorce. Even knowing that her father had a mistress. I am truly surprised that this shit doesn’t just kill a person. Because at the time, it was pretty much all I needed to finish me right off.
But it didn’t kill me. Instead, it taught me a valuable lesson. It offered me excellent practice in letting shit go. Understanding what it really means to let other people be who they choose to be, think what they choose to think, and not take their statements and decisions so incredibly personally. To not let their opinions define me. Plus, to know that I have freedom, too. Freedom to choose how I will respond, what I will say, how I will think about it.
I chose to keep being the same kick-ass mom I’ve always been. I chose to keep the idea of my teenage daughter’s best self in my heart for her. To have faith that she will come around, that one day she will see her extremely sparkly father with more clarity. Right now, she and her dad have a love-fest going. That’s really painful to me. But that’s what it is. I will get through it. I can even be happy that she has a close relationship with her father, and that he does seem to be a loving and devoted dad.
Meanwhile, I get to cultivate patience and equanimity while I take extra good care of myself.
The last four years have been very stressful. Not only from the infidelity and the divorce, but also because I have repetitive strain injuries in both hands from decades of computer work as a writer and editor. Did I quit my good job as a copywriter? Hell, no. I am Rally Squirrel, motherfuckers. You can push me down, but you can’t keep me down. This is the mantra that gets me through hard times.
I got an awesome voice-recognition program for my computer, and now I “type” by speaking words into a headset microphone. Neither my co-workers nor clients know the difference. My work is still high quality and well respected. I got software that automatically clicks my mouse for me when I position the cursor where I want it to be. When I developed focal dystonia – probably a permanent disability – in the thumb of my dominant hand about a year ago, I taught myself to write left-handed.
I paced myself with home-improvement projects around the now-too-big family home that I now own, after buying out the ex-husband. I have painted six rooms in colors that I love. I am restoring my old fireplace facing and hearth. It isn’t perfect by any stretch. But it’s absolutely better than it was. That’s what I’m going for these days. Progress, not perfection.
Sitting at a computer all day is something that I won’t be able to do forever. And I don’t want to do it whole lot longer. The older I get, the less time I want to spend writing what other people want me to write. So I have been thinking about what else I could do. Something I’m passionate about. One day I want to be a food photographer. I want to write children’s picture books in my spare time. So this fall, I will take a photography class at my local community college. One small movement in a new direction. It’s how you begin to turn the wheel onto a better road.
You rock it. “Did I quit my good job as a copywriter? Hell, no. I am Rally Squirrel, motherfuckers.” Damn right you are 🙂
BTW, mind telling me voice recognition app you are using? I’m having hand issues and bought Dragon but wondering there is something better.
Rockin’ post, Rally Squirrel, rockin’ post 🙂
Thanks, Rally Squirrel! I made a note of that, in case I needto switch to that method of “typing” in the future!
Ha, and that makes me want to start saying “mother fathers” but people would probably think I was a little off because I would crack myself up and no one would know why…
I love your line, “progress, not perfection.” I think I need to paste that one up around the house in all sorts of places to remind myself of how well I’ve done. It would be a nice counterpoint to the “to-do” lists I tend to make.
Good for you for getting creative and finding ways to continue to do what you love.
(And I am also curious about the voice-recognition software.)
I have Dragon Naturally Speaking Home Edition, version 12. And the Professional version 12 at work.
The key to getting much better accuracy out of the software, though, is the quality of your headset microphone. Don’t use the crappy one that might come with the software. I use the Andrea Anti-noise headset:
It’s about $50 and worth every penny.
Using voice-recognition software takes some getting used to, for sure. And you have to be extra vigilant, because like auto correct, it will take guesses at what you meant. No big deal in a personal email or a blog comment, but a huge deal if you let it get into a printed brochure! :O But the program – especially the professional version – is impressively accurate, I find. The only thing it won’t consistently do is cuss on command. For instance, here is what it thinks I’m saying right now:
I am Rally Squirrel, mother fathers.
Yeah. It’s gonna need more training. 😉
Thanks Rally Squirrel, I did buy a good headset to go with Dragon – I am just frustrated with the training process I guess.
It needs a potty mouth module. 🙂
I work with students with disabilities and train students how to use Dragon Naturally Speaking. It does take some getting used to but once you do it works very well.
I want to change my name to: “I am Ralley Squirrel motherfuckers”!
Great post Rally Squirrel! I am an aspiring photog myself and learned from a friend who works in the corporate office at a big chain restaurant that food photogs can really make the big bucks. Good luck!!
Hmmm not sure if I’ve been mighty… I’m five and a half years separated and have spent the last nine months fending off my narc XH who has”changed, grown up and wants his family back”. Just to show how much he’s grown up I am currently enduring another bout of his sulking and refusal to speak (even “hello”) when we meet to hand our child over.
But on the other hand I have just had an awesome holiday with my two girls full of action and fun!
He’s not in your life. You are mighty. For extra special mightiness, divorce his sulking ass.
Thank you!I’ve been discussing with my counsellor about bringing up the divorce and we agree I need to wait until he’s got a new girlfriend to take the heat off me so he doesn’t lose it again (big mental issues). He has major ownership problems (ie he “owns” me and our child). Anyway onwards and upwards, I can handle sulking!
I also needed this post today.
Since Dday 6 months ago I
1) wrote my own mutual agreement for divorce and had him sign it (I am a lawyer)
2) traveled to five countries for work
3) had many flirtatious compliments from male friends I hadn’t seen in years (but not ready for more than that yet)
4) lost weight and feel better than I have in years
5) slept through the night
6) disciplined my children and did house work in my own way and survived very well thank you (he always used to say “how could you have lived without me?” in reference to my supposedly bad housework and mom skills)
7) learned that “you can’t unfuck the fucked” (a take on “trust that he sucks”)
8) best of all: lived without the stress that it takes to cater to a cheater
learned that “you can’t unfuck the fucked”
oh how I need to feel mighty. I’m back in my wonderful own home in my home country for 4 more weeks before I have to return to H with the kids. It’s making me so weepy to have to leave here when its my favorite place and where I want to be. I have to find renters (the last one screwed my over for 4 months rent and I’m having serious money anxiety today. Like vomiting. My dad’s bday, kids are summer time happy – must put on brave face.
To all you mighty chumps: I’ve been out of the work force for a long time – I work but it’s no career, I need more financial independence. What is my first step to re entering a career? On days like today, I feel like I have nothing left to do but stay in this situation and remain dependent and stuck. I know I’m extremely capable, but I don’t know where to start. You’ve inspired me before, so bring it.
Hey Nic, Is there some way we could chat privately? I teach people on professional development, would love to be your cheer squad on the road to an enriching career.
yes I’d love that.
I was out of the workforce as well and decided to go back to school before re-entering. I spoke with another single mom who practically got paid through grants, etc. to go back to school. (though I know nothing about those details) I think some classes at least could be helpful and expand your network. It also just helped me to realize that my brain DOES still work and give me the confidence that I can go out there and get a good job and perform just as well and even better than others that are younger than me. Unfortunately, I haven’t quite landed the perfect job yet, but I am also being picky about what I am applying for.
Nic, whatever your skillz there is usually some org that would appreciate a volunteer and it gives you recent experience. If you are rusty there are so many free online resources where you can bone up. You might want to post your question and more info in the forums to get more specific suggestions. And quests what, you are making decisions, you are moving forward, you are mighty!
My reply was eaten by the internet. Nic, if you are rusty there are lots of free resources where you can bone up, no matter what your skillz there is probably a place you can volunteer and thereby get recent experience. You might want to post your question in the forums with more specifics. BTW, you are making decisions and moving forward, you are mighty!
Lol, no it wasn’t eaten, double post
thanks everyone. Very tough day – h told me my not forgiving him (by allowing him to work on the marriage, prove himself, etc) is how I always handle difficult relationships – I toss them away. Well, ya. Never considered it a character flaw, thought it was protecting myself. TBH, h is doing everything right, I’m just not feeling it. Not feeling protected or safe emotionally, do not feel he has my back. Aaargh, a really bad weepy day. Heres to tomorrow, thank you all so much for the cyber hugs and pep today, so needed!
Nic, don’t let him mindfuck you, people with healthy boundaries cut toxic ppl out of their lives when those ppl keep fucking them over. Don’t let anyone tell you different. +1000 Jedi Hugs, you are mighty, don’t you forget it!
Big hugs, nic. Some days you’re down, and you get back up again.
Go for a nice long walk to clear your head! I’m back to walking again and it is doing wonders for my angst!
Nic – lol, right, he’s the person who blew up your relationship, used you, lied to you, cheated on you, stole your reality, you sanity, your peace and your precious time – but you’re the bad person because you won’t forgive him according to his little schedule?
I hate it when they pull that shit.
He is NOT doing everything right – he is acting entitled to your forgiveness and turning it on you. You are mighty, even on the days you’re not feeling so mighty.
Nic, listen to Rosie Boa please! She is hitting the nail squarely on the head. Hugs to you!
Yeah, Rosie said it. “he is acting entitled to your forgiveness and turning it on you.” It’s all about him.
I’ll bet he has never gone through the Hell he has put you through.
In the last 7 months since Dday:
-I have the house in MY NAME and it has since appreciated
-Won my roller derby league championship!!!!
-Rescued a dog (she has saved me from wallowing in lonely nights alone) and has helped me make new dog park friends
-Have further strengthened my female friendships beyond what I thought possible
-Lost Dday 15lbs and kept 10 of them off
-Just started dating again (keeping boundaries and prioritizing “me” time over dates)
-Have finally had really great sex with a new guy, and the trauma and memory of cheating betrayal has finally worn off. Sex is not a hurtful thing anymore.
On the horizon:
-A european girls trip
Would I rather have a partner? Yes. But since that’s not happening, you gotta make do, and I feel really great about where I am almost a year from where I was –which was gaslighted, depleted, uncomfortable, tired, feeling unattractive and brushed aside.
MJD, roller derby? Mass respect. And dog parks are the best. Dog parks make me happy even when I am dog-less. I am in absolutely no hurry to have sex anytime soon and with a four month old it makes it even more complicated but I can not wait until my point of reference for sex is not my ex. Especially his push your boundaries, yes this is all normal, you’re just a prude, subtle undermining of my sense of sexuality.
Yay for roller derby!
Horn tooting time, is it?
I continue to wear out shoes walking these two dogs. They were lucky to get a couple of short walks a day pre-divorce, but they average about 2 x 1.5 miles per day now, and it’s one of their three favorite things 🙂 Almost time for a new pair of 993s again.
My “office” upstairs is slowly transforming itself back into a home studio (something I abandoned/neglected entirely when I started dating the ex), and I’m slowly building up my sampler libraries and have begun my first explorations into the world of orchestration. I have a long way to go (and my day-job that pays all the bills slows things down a bit), but I’m actually learning new things and excited about something creative again for the first time in a long time.
And I am just happy. Forgot how that felt. It had been so long since I was really happy, it just felt wrong at first 🙂
I guess time really does heal! The home studio sounds really exciting! And the happiness — love to hear that.
My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary!
I have been with my husband for five years and a month. We celebrated our five year anniversary and exactly one month after that, we celebrated our wedding anniversary. (We got married a month after the anniversary of us getting together because we didn’t want a June wedding. So we got married in July.)
We went to the Shedd aquarium (I LOVE sea creatures.) This was the first time either of us had been there and we saw some of the doofiest looking fish ever. Took pictures of course. We also went to the sting ray touch pools. He was weirded out by their texture at first, but he got used to them and then decided it was very peaceful. Then we saw a beautiful pacific octopus. (Octopus are my FAVORITE sea creatures. I even had a new pair of shoes with octopus on them. I call them my octoshoes. They have green tentacles and glittery blue heels. And I have matching socks. Of course, because who wears octoshoes without octosocks? XD) We also saw a lovely anaconda at the Amazon exhibit. And there was a special jellyfish exhibit, which was perfect because we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for our honeymoon and they too, had a jellyfish exhibit going. It’s like everything came full circle.
Then we went to a bar and grill that had, as my husband put it, “The most delicious wings I’ve ever had inside me.” They were their special “Cap n’ Coke” wings. They had this sauce on them that tasted like barbecue wings and funnel cake had a baby. XD
We went home and watched The Conjuring (something we tried to see TWICE on our honeymoon, but both times it was completely ruined by people talking in the theatre through the entire movie…)
Then, we changed clothes and went out to a few bars. We tried a bar we’d never been to before and they have these specialty cocktails to die for. He had an alcoholic cherry limeade and I had this thing with pear juice, St. Germaine and citrus vodka. We went to another bar and ran into some friends of ours who bought us tequila shots. And the coolest part is they were Don Julio shots. I like Tequila, but I’m really specific about what kind and how I drink it. I only drink it straight and it has to be Don Julio at the very least, because cheap tequila is just…dreadful. So I was pleasantly surprised that our friends had spent that kind of money on shots for us. It was nice. The bartender put on our wedding song, so we danced to it in the middle of the bar.
The next morning, we rolled out of bed (slightly hungover I admit) and strolled to the diner for a pancake breakfast. He had to go to work, but I had nothing to do so I got to sleep all day, snuggle with our cat (who was overjoyed to have me home with her all day) and watched a bunch of How I Met Your Mother.
Best. Weekend. Ever.
I just want to add, that I realized I’m in such a better place with my husband, and just in life altogether, that my ex barely even crosses my mind anymore. He could have died last week and I would not only have no idea, but I wouldn’t care. I just don’t think about him anymore. I’ll never forget what I’ve learned from that terrible relationship, but him? I just don’t care anymore. It’s great.
Congrats 🙂 That’s lovely!
I love a person who loves a special jelly fish exhibition. 🙂
You must live in Chicago — I remember the Shedd Aquarium from my childhood!
Yes! We do. We moved here right after we got married.
You all inspire me.
Nothing mighty here. I am getting honest with myself : denial, fear, uncertainty.
Getting ready to run a 5k and I was never a runner. Personal goal is an 8 min mile. So far I’m at 9. Working with local small bus association to start a small import venture. Getting my financial shit organized. Working on not feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
That’s the short term stuff.
ANC, you rock. I cannot even walk a 30 min mile anymore! I think you’re doing great. I love your posts. Don’t undersell yourself (just b/c your cheater did).
Sometimes mighty involves facing the denial, fear, and uncertainty. It’s challenging the status quo.
Also, awesome on the training for the 5K. 🙂
ANC, overwhelm and paralysis come with the territory. No way around it but through it. Baby steps can feel like jumping off a cliff when the future is an ocean of question marks. Keep up the good momentum.
Honesty is very mighty.
I gave up housework! And I LOVE it!
But all you guys’ accomplishments are making me feel a little unworthy. I’ll have to positive it up.
It’s been 5 years since I left him…. and finally I think I’m falling in love with someone.
Never thought it would happen ever again. More exciting than mighty 🙂
May I ask how you two met? I am only a year out and not divorced yet but I waver between looking and throwing in the towel. 😛
Match.com….. online dating is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure 😉
Mighty Witty that was 😉 and yer right about online dating…
lol thanks 🙂
You have to have skin THIS thick for online dating. Not take anything personal, let it all roll off your back like water off a duck. Remember most men are looking for a Size 2, maybe a 4. Not all, but most. Just saying. That has been my experience anyway and I’ve been at it a long time. I’m a size 12 and all most all the time never hear back from them. I’m attractive, educated, stable, fun and funny. I don’t get drunk and fall into salad bars. I don’t let any of it bother me anymore. I know my worth.
No, I can’t imagine that it is for the faint of heart, it’s all about the right attitude.
My mom wants me to go on Match when the divorce is finalized…I might go for it, but I admit I’m feeling the “who would want me” feels, which I know is normal. Through it, not around it!
You would be surprised – I felt the same way…. but it’s actually been a great ego boost 🙂
The attitude I would recommend is “it’s a numbers game” – by the law of averages you’re going to hit the one. It’s happened for 2 of my friends within the last 12 months! It will likely take a few frogs to get there, but at least you’ll have some funny stories to tell at dinner parties 😉
Indeed! Thank you for the encouragement, and congratulations to you! 🙂
I’ve been happily remarried for 9 years. Met my husband on Match.Com! Everytime we see one of the dating site commercials we are faux horrified – “who would do that? All those axe murders and perverts.” 🙂
I don’t have any huge feats to report, but I can say that I have been moving more and more toward meh, which seems pretty mighty to me. I laugh when ex-cheater sends me one of his condescending lectures through email. I don’t feel that awful pit in my stomach when I see him with the Owife. When the kids talk about something fun that they did with the Bradys over visitation, I don’t feel hurt. I’m not totally there yet, but I’ve definitely given them less headspace. Although this might not be great news for the CL blog, I spend a lot less time on sites dealing with infidelity. I might actually be worthy of my username these days!
I also made a small investment in a community resource that I think will be wonderful if it comes to fruition. Ex-cheater used to be the one who did all of those things, so it was a little step forward for me into new territory.
Be mighty, everyone! 🙂
Ohhhhhhh, I WISH we could read one of those condescending e-mails for a good laugh!!
” When the kids talk about something fun that they did with the Bradys”
My first laugh of the day.
It sounds like you really are getting distance from all of the mindfuck and really starting to live up to your name. Bravo!
Reading these is both inspirational and makes me feel down about where I am at, 1 year post-D-Day. I thought i was meh at 8 mos, but then found out his cheating was multiple/serial and it really set me back while simultaneously liberating me from his script of what he did.
Since then, in the past year:
-I recouped some of my financial losses at my law practice last year, mostly due to my brother’s help, oddly enough, he needed a job and a paralegal quit. He’s helped me whip the business back into shape,
-I lost 25 lbs though initially from PTSD, but have kept it off and kept exercising;
– Went back to coloring my hair (vain, I know, but I feel better), bought new clothes when I feel like it (no more feeling guilty) and had my tattoo removed (yeah, unusual at my age – 58 – but it was 40 years old and very blurry… maybe I’ll replace it but maybe not, just feel more “me” now)
– Visited my friends in FL 3x, one of whom has leukemia and needs a bone marrow transplant, and our friendship has deepened and become more solid
– Become even better friends with my best friend and we take walks together twice a week;
– My brother and his dog now live in my house with me and there is friendship and companionship in great measure compared to living with a person with a narcissistic rage problem as I was before… it’s wonderful having a dog in the house!! Loyal, loving, all those things the Cheater never was!! LOL
– My relationship with my daughter is better than ever; my three kids live far away, in part because they couldn’t stand X and he wasn’t really much of a stepfather to them anyway — each of them said that upon first learning of Cheating: Mom, I’m so glad he is out of your life now
– Had my 100′ driveway paved, the garage re-floored, and a brand new garage door just installed; hired someone to help mow the lawn, and with my bro and my daughter, re-landscaped gardens that X had designed;
– Fired my attorney because it has taken him six months to even get the legal action over the house ownership (in both names) and hired a new attorney though I haven’t met with her yet.
BUT, I don’t know. I still feel bad. Cheater and his OW just moved into an expensive house that she apparently bought, moving back to my city after they were living 200 miles away. I had hoped they would stay away. I still get sad and mad frequently, and still feel dissociation from former friends who were “couple” friends with the cheater and me, some of whom seem to have chosen him instead of me as their friend and others who pay lip service but don’t seem to comprehend the magnitude of 16 years of living a lie with a man who continued to be involved with the prior GF for the first 9 years he lived with me… I define “live” as having that address on his drivers license, having all his possessions there, sleeping there every night… some ppl still say to me, but he wasn’t married to you, as if that gave him carte blanche to lie to me and deceive me, so it IS an accomplishment for me to learn, as I am now, that these people aren’t really FRIENDS.
Don’t feel bad, one year is not that far out and it sounds like you’ve accomplished a lot!! I think my ex had just finally moved out by then (I spent 6 months in “reconciliation” and then another 4ish trying to get him to get the F out) and I was a freaking disaster area, afraid to leave the house without my ring on, humiliated to be mowing my own lawn, etc.
I think it is a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. And you’ll find some new, better friends! But I know it hurts sometimes and it does take time.
Me to Im humilated to mow the lawn all of a sudden since I kicked him out but I was the one who always mowed the lawn so go figure whatz going on in our heads??????
nope, mowing the lawn was like the one thing my ex did… so combined with his car being gone, me mowing the lawn was the announcement to the neighborhood that we were separated. I could almost feel the fear and pity from them. Or perhaps I was imagining that as well in my paranoia. At some points I thought of mowing the lawn as my public shaming.
It is tough to get through the beginning of everyone finding out/you having to tell them/them pretending they don’t know and you having to tell them. But it gets easier. And if people do pity me having to do everything or fear it happening to them, then oh well. Doing everything on my own but also learning to ask for help has been much easier and nicer than getting any “help” from him. And they should fear it happening to them. Maybe fear and the realization that divorce/cheating can happen to anyone is what could inspire people to prioritize their marriages which is the only way that *maybe* they can prevent it from happening.
But people won’t pity you, they actually step in when you don’t expect it. I was so humbled after my divorce and have sincerely made an effort to pay if forward now that life is good and I’m financially secure and on my feet.
After my XH left, neighbors I’d never socialized with just did little stuff for me that meant so much. I’d come home from work after a snow storm and my drive would be plowed. Woman across the street told me to send the kids to her house for the 20 minutes between my needing to leave for work and the school bus picking them up. Wonderfully nosy neighbors I’d never spoken to, coming over to mention they’d seen a man in my back yard during the day and wanted me to know as they knew I was on my own…..
People so often are good –
What’s going on in our heads is that we’re feeling raw and exposed and our perspective is out of whack. I’m beginning to get things better aligned and the freak out has died down a lot, but I’m sure time will bring normalcy back to all of us. That and good counseling.
Thanks AnotherErica, I know it takes time.. and yes I think it’s one step forward and two steps back sometimes. I signed a contract with a landscaping company to mow my lawn last summer! Working 9-10 hours a day and collapsing into tears when I got home, I just couldn’t do it. The lawn (1.5 acres) looks better than ever, when X used to mow it — and I’m free of his annoying complaining all the time about what a big hero he was for mowing the lawn, while I did ALL the indoor housework and weeded and maintained the flower and herb gardens! Though I’m sad/mad alot of the time, ultimately I am glad he is gone.
I always mowed the lawn.
Asshole wanted a bitch cookie the half dozen times he did it.
Now I mow it in a mother fucking dress. Not even joking. I am mighty.
LOLOLOL! Wonderful! And heels? I love your attitude.
Hellz yeah! This made me literally LOL!
You should have seen my wife waiting for a bitch cookie the once time she did it in thirteen years. And she didn’t even wear a dress. She shoveled four or five times, too (we live in Canada). Must’ve vacuumed at least ten times. I’ll stop now. Credit where credit is due — she totally carried and bore both kids.
Think sundress. And barefoot.
Practical, but disappointing. I was totally thinking little black dress.
Fuck the people that say he wasn’t married to you, you had a commitment and a piece of paper is only paper. I lived with my ex for 12 years without that paper, he convinced me to marry him finally and that’s when he really put his freak on, is never believed in marriage and I wis to hell he hadn’t broken me down on that cos I would not have lost half my shit to the asshole. Anyhow, a commitment is real without a marriage, those ppl are not your friends or they are afraid and think since they are married it won’t happen to them. Jedi fucking hugs and damn it, you are Mighty!
Thank you Datdamwuf… it’s clear he never considered himself ‘married’ to me though he and I had each asked each other at various points in our 16 years together and each said “no” for different reasons. Nevertheless I can’t get my head around the lying, and it always ends up with me feeling completely exploited and used by him for a place to live while he ran around town acting single secretly, knowing that if he told me that’s what he wanted, I would have broken up with him!
But he wasn’t married to you???????!!?!!!!?? I have a response for that. SMACK!!!!!
TheMuse. One of my and my ex’s mutual friends knows everything that my ex did. She and her husband not only continue to hang out with my ex but she posted pictures of my ex and her best friend as a new couple on her facebook while I was six months pregnant. When I unfriended her she actually tried to refriend me. These kinds of “friends” are not evil in the same way our exes are but they are dangerous and just motherfucking stupid. OF COURSE you had the expectation of a committed loyal relationship. Good Lord, if it was hug a dumbass day these people that have told you otherwise would be hugged to death!!
My d-day was nine months ago and for the first six or so months I felt fairly mighty, considering how bad I let my life get with him. But in the last three months my mightiness has really slowed up. I guess I was expecting that pace to continue because I wanted to show him that I was so much more than what he thought.
But, to remind myself that I have indeed accomplished a lot (although not so much lately) I will say:
I work out five to six days a week and I’ve lost about 70 lbs.
I’ve declared bankruptcy and begun picking up the pieces of my life.
I began volunteering which proved to me that I still have the potential to be a valuable employee.
Sigh. No, sorry. I can’t do this. I don’t feel at all mighty today. I hate myself for missing him.
You’ll get there.
And — GEEZ, losing 70 lbs is all kinds of mighty!
Sounds mighty to me. 🙂
What I like about your mightyness is that it’s turning from wanting to show him that you are so much more than what he thought to proving to yourself that you have the potential to be valuable.
That’s a much mightier sense of mighty.
I think it’s really important to be able to be happy/content/peaceful in your own skin. Part of the process may, indeed, include losing 70 lbs (good job! I lost about 55). Another part is to notice that there are truly beautiful things in life: the sunset over the goat farm, happy dogs bringing you their toys, the smell of wet summer grass. No one tells you that these are beautiful; it comes to you that this is what they are, and you can delight in the moment of being in the presence of that beauty. And another part is enjoying that you’re able to do well at something.
Our cheaters often need to have external validation. They’re not happy in their own skins. They need to wear us down in order to build themselves up. Then they manage to gaslight us to the point where we start to look to them for validation.
Being mighty involves the move to looking back at ourselves. 🙂
kb, thank you. As rough as I am having it right now I still do feel a wonderful freedom I never had in my life before. I also feel as though I’m maturing. Better late than never. Thanks for the wonderful imagery.
Moving Liquid, hang in there. You will get to a better place. Trust that. Are you, by any chance, missing who you want him to be rather than who he really is? I know I went through that but once I allowed myself to see him for who he truly is, I couldn’t get away fast enough. Hugs.
Uniquelyme, for some reason I just keep thinking of the good things about him and have a hard time remembering the really horrible things about him. I honestly feel like I have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on, or PTSD. Also, I have a lot of pity for him. It’s all very unhealthy and mixed up. But at least I still do know that we are toxic for one another and that I’m fooling myself if I think I could ever be happy with him. I think that someday soon I’ll be like you and be very, very glad to get away from him.
Keep coming here. Don’t put yourself on anyone else’s schedule–no arbitrary deadlines. You’ll get to Meh when you get there.
You’ll think, mourn, suffer, obsess, dwell, and then? Something will click. You’ll have a nightmare and do more processing. You’ll backslide, you’ll hear about how “happy” he is, and you’ll feel like someone kicked you in the gut. And the cycle starts again, and eventually–what day does Tracy say? A Tuesday? You’ll find that you’re there.
I assume it’s always going to hurt a little bit, but a lot less than it used to.
The really, really important thing is that you take care of yourself–exercise, get out and work and/or volunteer, fix up your space, set goals for yourself that have ZERO to do with the ex and the other person. That will speed up the journey to meh. But do enjoy the journey, for it is the small victories that add up to mighty.
Miss Sunshine, thanks for the reality check. I have seen meh now and then and I really, really love it. I hang on to the hope that meh will swing back around. I love the idea of setting goals that have zero to do with my ex. I often think of a small yellow house all my own…
ML – I also had a lot of pity for my NPD-XH. He had/HAS some extremely effective masks and can appear to the world like a really, really neat man. I shared on a previous post that I would think a lot about what terrible awful thing must have happened to my sweet sweet man when he was just an innocent baby. I shared with my therapist this image that I had of holding the baby version of him in my arms wishing to protect him from whatever had hurt him (to cause him to seek out sexual services in massage parlors our whole 6 year marriage) and my therapist (in a strong Southern accent)t said to me “Oh. You’ve got to set THAT baby DOWN! Drop him off at daycare, or set him on the porch at his mamma’s house, but, GIRL, you got to SET that baby DOWN! And walk away!”
Whenever I have soft, pitying thoughts, I stop myself and remind myself, “Girl! Set that baby DOWN!”
Moving Liquid – you go ahead and set that baby down, and put that love, care and concern into that soft vulnerable part of you instead.
….Plus, it gets to be really funny when you yell out loud (Generally when noone else is around…) “ACK! SET THAT BABY DOWN!!”
FLBright, oh that is a keeper. I absolutely do need to “set that baby down.” After all, I’m not his mother and he’s not an infant!
Staying with someone because you pity them is not a good reason to stay especially when you add infidelity and emotional abuse to the mix. I have to trust that I’m a bit broken (temporarily) and that he sucks, and keep moving towards the meh light.
I just printed that phrase and will put it on my mirror. It makes me laugh so!
MovingLiquid, I also have pity for my STBX and that was part of my reason for finally filing for divorce. It is what he wants, but cannot do, cuz it affects his image. I was doing it for HIM. For crying out loud (as my dad would say). When will I stop caring about what happens to him and not about the horrors he gave me over the last two years…and begin to do for myself??. I have been so dependent on him for validation that I cannot even comfort myself and I cry curled up on the rug night after night after day. I feel like a lesser human being due to him and his control of my narrative. I am not feeling mighty today either.
Time to do for us!!
You lost about 70 lbs. AMAZING!! Think about all the negative, self defeating behaviors you changed to accomplish that feat!! I overate due to poor self image, lack of control in my life, living for my husband. I was always second, or third, or further down the chain of important people in my life. You have taken control and can look in the mirror at the new you. The person who has been lurking on the periphery for too long. Your body change is the visible, in your face (for your spouse ) change that shows you have taken control. Now, the inner workings are a bit more difficult. The change is gradual and there may even be days that you think, “IS this MEH?” And, others when you think, “I just can’t do this anymore, it hurts so much”. For this, there is CL and the all those that care enough about you to shore you up on those days.
You have given me support on some of my darkest posting days. I don’t post very often, since others say so much in such eloquent ways. But, you have helped me in the recent past and for this I want to say thank you. A kind, thoughtful heart is in you. You bring that to the table of humanity. Your X used that to hurt you. As I learned to say “FUCK HIM!” And now, FLBright has given me a new phrase, “Put that baby down!”
Look in the mirror, blow yourself a kiss, and turn away from him into the new world of you. It is the great unknown, put there is potential and adventure. It may be rescuing plants from the toss aways at a garden store, or learning a new home maintenance skill, or running in a 10K, or going back to school for anything. Pick something and put your all into it. It feels damn good!!! Write what you’re doing on your mirror and look at it (and at you) every day. Pretty soon there won’t been any more space to see the person you use to be and there will only be this incredible person who faces life’s challenges and has given her all to life and left the bad news of that sad, one way relationship behind.
Again, thank you for your past encouragements, and thank you for the opportunity to give back the same.
“I would think a lot about what terrible awful thing must have happened to my sweet sweet man”
This is where I get stuck. 20 years together (16.5 on DDay #1) and never any indication of this. What happened to him? What broke him? Where did my sweet man go? During much of the post DDay discover, I would look at him and ask “who are you?” because it was not the man I knew and loved
I thought the same exact thing. Where did my sweet, kind and adoring husband go??? Who is this guy standing in front of me? Honest to god I didn’t even know who he was. He certainly wasn’t the man I thought he was.
I remember one time after dday, we were talking and he said something over his shoulder to me and his eyes flashed and I swear I saw the devil.
You are onto something here… they do wear a mask, some so convincingly that we fall in love with the fake persona and the whole time, the real person is someone entirely different. A couple of months ago, I looked at a photo of X and me that used to be one of my favorites… from xmas a few years before DDay. I used to love that photo, I was looking down, he was hugging me, my eyes were (literally) half closed as he kissed me on the cheek… till I JUST noticed, he is smirking, in that photo. And clearly visible behind my head, is his middle finger sticking up!!!!!!! He was giving me the finger behind my head… while one of my kids took the pic .. while we sat at my mother’s Christmas dinner table… now WTF???? Nothing demonstrates to me more clearly now, my blinders that I had on, NOR who the man really was and still is.
Syringa and Muse…
About the “what you see in photos” thing.
When I was looking through photos of my ex with the cops (after a seemingly mild mannered, gsoh guy turned into a knife wielding maniac when caught red handed)…the cop (who was 52) gasped and said “omg I’ve rarely seen such an obvious evil expression on someone’s face!”
I looked at the photo, taken in the garden two days prior to d-day. His eyes were demonic, his face distorted. I recall he was in a bad mood, but only putting the timing together, I realised the OW at that time was threatening to expose him because she couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t leaving me for her. The cops said he probably felt under such pressure that he was likely trying to figure a way to end things with me…literally.
Why not just move out? He knew he was on the receiving end of a nice insurance policy. Gives me the shivers.
My cheater ex is moving in with his affair partner into a luxury apartment this weekend while I am in a 4 story walk up.
I have both children all week and weekend and doing my best not to dwell on what might have been. I am going to work every day and making plans to keep both myself and the children occupied.
Took myself and a friend out for lobster last night for her birthday which has been the highlight of the week. Not feeling very mighty but happy to have this community who understands what it is like to be abandoned by a remorseless cheater.
The karma bus keeps avoiding my ex and his affair partner so I need to focus on myself and my children going forward. Will tell myself “March on Mighty Chump!!”
NYC Chump, If I had to walk up four flights of stirs with groceries I’d feel really mighty every time 🙂
The Karma Bus seems to take its sweet time, huh? Still waiting for it here in Joisey! You are VERY mighty because you’re THERE for your kids, and the fucktard is off in never never land. Trust me your kids will see that he sucks someday – mine did!
NYC – Hang in there. I have so much story to share here, but don’t have time to write it, but felt moved to just tell you. ARRRHHHHGGG! I know! It sucks! THEY SUCK! Keep showing your kids AND youself that the TOXIC cloud makes it aweful hard to enjoy the view up there. HUGS!
I not only drove myself to the hospital after my water broke but I stopped on the way there to get a frappuccino and a breakfast sandwich. And I drove myself and my newborn son home.
I’ve litterally worked my ass off swimming and walking and have lost 40 of the 65lbs I gained during pregnancy and probably 10lbs of what’s left is all new muscle. I’m stonger now than I was pre pregnancy.
Being a single mom means I have to put together every baby related contraption myself and I’ve come away from it with the confidence that I can asemble ANYTHING. Although it did take me 10 minutes of head scratching to figure out how to get the breast pump back in the carry case yesterday.
You are AMAZING!!!
OMG another one, this is a disease, what is with these entitled twats that walk out on new mothers. They should all be made to walk the plank into shark infested waters.
Totally impressed xxxxxxxxxx Hugs to you Mighty Mom
You had me at “drove myself to the hospital after my water broke.”
CL said it best
That, and putting stuff together by herself.
Got my vote (and congratulations)!
Holy Cow New Mama! You just won the internets for brave and amazing strong woman in my book!
Thanks everyone! They told me I couldn’t eat or drink once I got to the hospital and after a ravenous and thirsty last six weeks I was totally paranoid at the possibility of not eating for the next 24 hours. I had awesome push nurses but no one else with me when I gave birth. I felt sorry for my kid not having his dad there but it makes for a great and funny birth story. It just goes to show what we can accomplish without douchebag absent dads or even supportive family members. Haha, I laugh about it now, drinking that frappuccino inbetween contractions. I will not be the least bit surprised if my son grows up to have a Starbucks addiction.
So beautiful, this chump’s name, and what you need to remember is that your beloved child will always only need to be surrounded by those who unconditionally love and support him. All those present (at his birth) chose to be present. That is more than some of our exes can own in years and babies together. Enjoy your little one, they grow up so fast. My children were easily the best time, they are each of them unique, and a beautiful legacy to the world. I am (and was) truly blessed to have them in my life.
Wow, this chumps name – you are one kick-arse mama bear!
This chump’s name,
There needs to be a statute to you somewhere. You kick ass.
ThisChump – congrats on the baby! You’ll be a wonderful parent – strong, mighty and apparently caffeinated! Enjoy it. Everyone says that but until your kids grow up and become adults (my baby is a sophomore in college) it’s hard to fathom.
It’s been 18 months since D-Day.
I divorced my cheater!
• discovered that I am smart and strategic
• litigated successfully to get the visitation schedule I felt was in my child’s best interest
• got a fair (enough) settlement in a no-fault, community property state (though honestly he didn’t deserve anything because he was a mooch during our entire relationship)
• kept the house
Lost 70 pounds.
Regained my sense of self.
Regained confidence in my competency.
No longer worry constantly about money.
Feel less afraid of the unknown.
Feel genuine hope that my future is bright.
Know that if I do not find a life partner, I will still lead a rich life.
For those more newly chumped, know that life will get much better! It might seem impossible to fathom right now but keep moving ahead one step at a time. Keep walking as best you can toward your better life!
THAT is what I want to hear. Plus the part about if you do not find a life partner you will still lead a rich life. Just because he has somebody I feel this urgent need to because it is expected of me. NOT well yes I would like but its only 4 mths after 34 yrs I am lonely but I need to fix me first. Thks for this jamberry I think the newbies are looking for this hugs xxxxxxxx
Minime, at the beginning I was afraid of being alone but that feeling passed. When you are ready, I highly recommend reading How Not to Fall in Love with a Jerk. I keep working on fixing my picker even if I won’t need to use it at all.
Four months after 34 years is barely a eye blink. Be patient with yourself. Gather all the support available to you. Big, big hugs!!!
I wasn’t feeling very mighty until I read everyone else’s comments. Then I realized that I just put on a lovely wedding for my daughter with only a month’s notice. I was even polite to the cheater ex and his married-to-someone-else girlfriend AND my former mother-in-law from hell. I was less polite to ex’s evil brother. You can only take so much.
The other mighty thing I did lately was to buy a car all by myself. I’d never done that before.
Gratz on your new ride and pulling off the wedding, awesome Elizabeth Lee
EL: anything you do while weathering a s*shit storm is pretty mighty, no doubt. A wedding…pretty awesome!!! Your daughter is one fortunate person and I’m sure she appreciated everything you did for her.
4 months after D-Day I BOUGHT MYSELF A HOUSE. Thought I would need a co-signer and I didn’t. The house is solely in my name and I am so damn proud of that! Little by little it is becoming a home.
I am 1.5 years out from D-Day and couldn’t be happier with the life I am creating for my daughter and myself.
I am naturally thin, so when D-Day hit, I lost SO much weight that I looked anorexic. (lost almost 25 lbs in three weeks) Today I am 100% back to my pre-affair weight. I am healthy once again and feeling super mighty!
Yay Brave Wings
In the 3 years since DDay, 2 years since he moved out, 1 year since Divorce was finalized I have…
*Gotten into and finished a graduate program (Master’s of Accounting) after being out of the workforce for about 4 years to start a family.
*Sold the old place and moved into a nice little house with my two boys in a new city about an hour away.
*Made new friends; gotten closer to old friends and family
*Had some dates and gotten laid a few times 🙂
*very successfully made a toast to about 200 wedding guests at my best friends wedding (me and public speaking are not best friends)
* gotten much better at yoga
I still need to…
*Make it through my court date involving changing visitation, etc. My ex is making things very difficult because I had the gall to move (which just happened about a month ago)
*Finally land my first post-grad school job… am interviewing now
* Do some more fun things for me! Maybe a writing class?
* Have something that at least semi-resembles a relationship? But not too relationshippy!
AE, you graduated and got to move! Yay you that’s awesome! Good luck on the court stuff! Btw, regular poster here but my name is temp changed because I think my ex is lurking. We’ve talked in email before. I always wonder how you’re doing.
ah yes! hello – didn’t recognize you under this name! Sorry to hear your ex might be lurking… mine has no idea such a site exists, though back when I was less meh I thought about sending him many articles 😉
thanks for the good wishes – I hope all is well with you!
Well, I went from a SAHM away from my home area to re-building my career, both with a regular salary and building up freelance work so that I might, at some point, go completely freelance. In fact, today, I just got a pretty cool regular freelance gig that might not pay well but will open a lot of doors to more work. I might be much poorer than I was but I am building a pretty nice little career for myself.
The kids and I are closer than ever, we have a lot of fun, we’re very honest with one another and their friends love coming here to our rather modest little abode.
I’ve gotten rid of dead-weight friends and become a better friend to old friends still around and quite a few new ones who have come into my life.
Oh, and I’m working on two pretty big projects that are waaaaaay out of my comfort zone. I have no idea if I can pull them off and may fall flat on my face but their great ideas, I’m working my ass off on them and so far, so good.
All in all I*m pretty happy. A bit lonely sometimes and wish I had more time to socialise but my life is calm, happy and generally good. Ex? Meh.
Congrats Nord on all the career accomplishments!
I’ve also dropped a friend over the long journey since Dday… who I realized, like my ex, had been subtly poisoning me for a long time. I don’t miss either of them.
I’ve learned to only surround myself with people that make me feel good. I’ve learned so much about myself and about how I want to be living, but I do have to pay attention to make sure I’m following up the things that I’ve learned with actual actions and changes.
Great work, Nord. My job ex-d-day has turned out to be a huge satisfaction too. Not only pays the bills but tires me out so I sleep at night. I carefully guard weekends and sometimes take two days away, but this recovery takes a long time. Best to camp out in the nest and love yourself.
Ditching poisonous friends…priceless.
Nord – Hugely impressive. You venturing out of your comfort zone speaks to me. I feel I’m at a precipice looking into the abyss of the unknown that I know I need to dive into, but feeling terrified. But I want to be able to say about myself what you have said here. You’re doing brave and amazing things.
Believe me, I’m scared at least 80% of the time but quite frankly I make myself keep trying because I figure eventually I’ll get where I want to go. But it’s scary and stressful and I’m usually full of anxiety because I have no fall back at all. So I keep going and somehow I manage to achieve little things and attempt bigger things.
Finger’s crossed that it all works out. 🙂
I finally internalized what you have been teaching: putting myself first! Knowing I have value!!
I also filed for divorce. My attorney is kicking his ass. Have learned to speak up not internalize my feelings. Started doing what I like to do, with girlfriends all in same boat (older and divorced). We are having a blast and supporting each other at same time. Thank you CL and Chump nation !!
You are rockin it Phoenix!
Since d day I
Filed for divorce and moved into a rental condo with my three children
Litigated successfully for a placement schedule which I thought was in my children’s best interest
Fixed things in the condo on my own
Lost 30 lbs
Received a promotion working for a company that I love working for.
Started dating again
Felt happiness again
Only one thing better than passing the bar ads. Just got an email from youngest son. He passed his own first time…and will be earning more than I in his first job next month. Yipee… No more tuition to pay! And he’s a nice kid.
To all of you: congrats. Going through this shitstorm is awful, but you do come out of it wiser and better. It is painfully but well earned. Your cheater gained nothing, by the way.
Chump Lady, thank you so much for asking this question. You’ve made me take stock of how good my last year has been NOT being married anymore to my cheatin’ cake loving ex-wife. Have an awesome girlfriend, 30% raise in new job, healthier, fitter…happier.
It’s been not quite 3 months since I moved out of my cheater ex’s house. Since then he and his new kibble source moved in together and are engaged. They’re planning an “elven” ceremony complete with Lord of the rings meets renaissance faire outfits.
I on the other hand, am pursuing my career and teaching this fall at a major university. I’m moving 5 hours away from the cheaters, found a great new apartment, have lost weight, look and feel amazing, and I sleep well at night because I live my life with integrity which is definitely something my ex does not do.
lucky35, that is a great story… sounds like they live in la la land while you have your feet on the ground! you are mighty!
Thank you TheMuse! It is a wonderful feeling to know I’m in such good company here-the mightiness abounds.
In the past year I refinanced my house in my own name. I bought a new SUV….it is so cool. Found out my credit score is 813. I have money in savings. All things I never had with my XH. He finally moved away in November and quit haunting the edges of my life so that is good. I’m taking care of my own place all by myself for the first time ever. I haven’t met a new prince yet but I think this is the year. I changed my name back to my maiden name and I’m never changing it again because it’s a really cool name and fits me perfectly. My parents knew what they were doing. I want to plan a trip to Costa Rica this winter. I would feel very mighty if I pull that off.
Ooh. Costa Rica. I might have to steal your goal! 🙂
Since D-Day, I have:
Initiated and completed divorce proceedings – I got HALF of everything – take that!
Bought a house on my own – larger than the one I gave up
Repainted and furnished said house
Finished my doctorate
Received two promotions
Helped my daughter obtain a full scholarship for all 4 years of college – private one at that – don’t need any $$ from HIM
Got remarried to a wonderful man who respects and cherishes me.
Was always half-assed about going to a gym, so I went for broke and joined one of those military boot camp like places – I am the oldest one there but get lots of support – and can now lift things I couldn’t, plus got rid of nagging lower back pain and sleep like a rock!
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when freed from what weighs on you and holds you down – sometimes without realizing how much!
Day-uhm. That’s a lot of mighty!
It’s been over 5 years so I have had the luxury of time. It doesn’t heal, exactly, but it does give you perspective…
Sometimes this blog feels like an international group hug. In a good way…..
Let’s just hope we’re all wearing deodorant! 😉 My fellow 5 feet and unders will appreciate that being we’re at the height level of armpits… 😛
hahaha! six foot one and fresh as a flower, thank you very much1
Been separated since last September. I left a marriage of 30 years after i found out about his infidelity. In the state of NC you must be separated for one year.
Last week I bought a house after the property settlement was finalized. It has been such a journey and I have found myself in the process. It wasn’t easy but once I realized I deserved to be happy I made changes that helped me achieve that. Never give up. Life is good. Filing for divorce in September. What a difference a year makes.
You and your site is amazing. Thanks
Awesome Cindy, now you have a new place to decorate exactly as you wish, 🙂
I’m a little more than a year past D-Day. Last August I started taking krav maga which is a mixed martial arts based form of self-defense. I got my level 2 orange belt in June. I’ve taken up jiu-jitsu & Filipino Martial Arts (stick & knife fighting) & have rowed over a million meters – more than 700 miles. One of the trainers at the gym actually told me I was mighty! I’m in great shape & like to think I’m a badass now!
Shortly after D-Day I got laid off after 14 years with the same organization. I’m 59 so getting a new job has been really tough. I tried a couple of things that just weren’t right but this week I started a great new position. Big relief.
My STBX’s affair & getting laid off were actually “Get Out of Jail Free” cards from what were already unhappy situations but I’m learning now to get out of unhealthy relationships, friendships & jobs a lot faster. I pay attention when I see red flags.
But my best accomplishment this year was getting my 25 year-old son to seek therapy. He was struggling in a bad relationship & a crappy job. He was reluctant to go until I told him, “Go to therapy, honey. You don’t have to be a chump like I’ve been.” I remember the look on his face when he realized that’s where he was heading. He made his first appointment that day & has been seeing his therapist weekly ever since. It took awhile but he got out of the relationship & he starts a great new job tomorrow. He’s going to the gym & also started krav maga. I am so proud of him. It wasn’t too late for him to fix his picker & it’s not too late for me!
Thanks for asking, Chumplady. I needed that!
““Go to therapy, honey. You don’t have to be a chump like I’ve been.” I remember the look on his face when he realized that’s where he was heading.” —-You just won Martha. That says a lot. 🙂
Thanks Martha, I think I need to try krav maga myself, I’m feelin wimpy now 😉
Martha, I’ve been wanting to do krav maga forever! That is really really awesome. Hopefully I’ll have time for it some day. And an actual instructor, I don’t think there’s one in this whole state.
Hi This Chump – I hope you get to go to krav someday. What state are you in? I was living alone for the first time in 33 years so my son suggested I try it. At my gym we pay a (low) monthly fee & all classes are free, including krav 3x/week & jiu-jitsu on Saturday. It can be expensive elsewhere so I feel very fortunate. It has changed my life in so many ways & made me feel much less vulnerable. It’s also a hella good workout & way to channel a lot of that post D-Day anger!
I’ve got a long way to go and sadly, nowhere near meh, but I haven’t given up either. I think it’s extra difficult for someone like me to move on because I find myself struggling with depression when I get overwhelmed by his mindfuckery and chronic abuse. He’s stalling the divorce to torment me, loves to undermine me, uses threats that he changes up every so often, anything from going for full custody to save money and to fuck with me, to fabricating stories about why we broke up. It’s all devastating but I keep forging on because if I give up now, the terrorists win?? I don’t feel mighty at all! but I force myself to stay optimistic because hope is all I’ve got. I hope that i can save my house from foreclosure, i hope that my children will survive this and become better human beings than their father, I hope that the depression doesn’t win because it will give him ultimate satisfaction. I hope there’s hope for someone like me. Your stories are inspiring to me.
Lizzie-you haven’t quit. That counts for a lot.
Lizzie, you’re still standing. So you’re mighty. Do NOT give up. That man CANNOT make you stay married to him. He can’t. The law grinds slowly, but it will grind and you will be free. He can stall and stall, the law is still going to allow you to divorce. He isn’t the first asshole to try and slow things down and he won’t be the last. It’s just what disordered wing nuts do. So one foot in front of the other — keep moving forward. You ARE going to get to the other side. I promise.
Jedi hugs Lizzie, depression lies, you know it and you can make it, check out The Bloggess site any time you need a reminder.
Lizzie, the devastation that comes when they try to screw with the kids is just amazing. I continue to marvel at how manipulative my EX is, at how much he damages the kids, and at how well they are doing despite his best efforts to screw with them. It’s what I hate the most (and haven’t got anywhere near “meh” with).
But it does get better–even the bad days are better than living amid the lies and hostility and fear that the other shoe is about to drop.
You are mighty because you are forging on. You are mighty because you found the courage to walk away from chronic abuse. You are mighty because you are modeling integrity and self-respect for your kid(s) and other women who are in tough spots and are reading CL’s blog.
You can do it, Lizzie. Your STBX is trying to hold onto his power and be mightier than you…..but you will triumph. Just channel your favorite movie or tv mom…or strong female character….or strong female friend….and handle yourself as she would. It will help you remove yourself from getting too emotionally overwhelmed and allow you to get through encounters with him. The scary part of dealing with these men is that they know us better than anyone and can use it to their advantage. But he can’t get at your inner movie star!!!!
Mine did some threats around custody too. I’m a year out and none of it happened. These cheaters are bullies. They want to incite fear – don’t let them. They go to the place that scares you.
Don’t deal with him directly; you have a lawyer for that.
I’m 14 months out and zero of his threats ever came to be real. So hang in there and don’t let those intimidation tactics wear you down. I suspect you might find that, in time, your depression might even lift a bit once you get that cheater out of your life. I hope so. You can do this.
. You are strong and mighty. Your depression is a disease it is not you. Your children will survive this. You will too and there will be a day you wake up and realize late in the evening, you didn’t think about him or it once.
I am mighty,especially today, because this is DDay for me, and although I suspicioned for almost a year, I couldn’t prove his infidelity. TODAY I saw an email with a lab ordered std test. How possibly can you gaslight yourself out of a fucking std test!!! Probably a chump reaction, but I am glad I found it, I am glad that I have proof and I am glad I can start planning for the future and what it holds for me and my kids.
I am mighty because I held it “together” until I got the proof. Just have to pull it together until I plan how I am going to leave this SOB. …. And to think I gave this man my soul for 23 years. …
Dear God, I’m sorry you had a D-Day, but it is the golden ticket to a cheater free life.
Go get yourself an STD test and a lawyer pronto! And be mighty. 🙂
Jedi hugs, a lot of them are on the way.
Oh no ((((HUGS))))) A whole year of suspicions. That’s a long time to wait to confront and let it build. And 23 years is a lot invested. You are mighty and you can kick that asshole to the curb!
I’m so sorry your DDay is not only confirmed but today.
I hate that it happened but I’m glad you have this site to read, help, vent and get info.
I wish I had known about this earlier.
23 is my number, too. (((HUGS)))
justanother — we are all with you, every step of the way. when you don’t feel mighty, you still are — you just need somebody to remind you. We’re all happy to do that
If you can, do as I did, and play your cards close to the chest. If he doesn’t know you’re on to him, try to play it cool and lay out your plans while you’re not battling him. Resist the urge to have scenes if you’ve already made your decision to leave.
It seems odd to not confront them right away, but if you can stay calm, use this time to line up your ducks. In fact, best not to confront in case it is not safe. I made that mistake – caught him red handed, and he attacked me. Go carefully. Good luck.
Thank you, Marci! No, he’s not aware and he is a very cunning individual so if I can keep my academy award-winning farce up, I plan to. Need to lawyer up and plan financially since I’ve been a SAHM for 19 years now.
I look back now and see a huge amount of red flags but blindly looked the other way, I assume. I feel that all I will see are many more ddays if I would stay with him. He truly is a loser.
Thanks again for your insight !
Justanotherchump, I second Marci, my ex went insane when I dropped the divorce word on him, beat to be ready first. You are mighty!
same here marci,
so many times when i found evidence, I was a super chump, and confronted him,
thus enabling him to cover up even more shit. I can’t tell you how many times I
could have kicked myself in the ass for this!
Anyway, I just wanted to say, just focusing on my future, and taking those steps to
get him out of my head and my life, in itself, makes me feel mighty!
Well, I keep having to remind myself that I successfully navigated divorce on my own. I made every phone call, and went to every meeting alone. I collected evidence and kept my cool so I could do so. I timed everything right. I argued my case in mediation, and ended up with almost everything I wanted. I had to be way more cunning than I am comfortable being, but it was for my daughters. I ought to be proud of that.
I was a SAHM for 7 years, out of the workforce for 10 years. I’ve had two interview in the past two months and was offered both jobs. I start work in a few weeks. I’m still not sure how that happened.
I hate to sound like I’m bragging, but really things have been quite crap lately, so there you go.
Donenow, you are my hero today since I needed to hear your success story right now!
You have been mighty!
Thank you, Justanotherchump. Read your post above. So sorry that you had everything confirmed today, but also, so glad that you had everything confirmed today. I’ll never forget that heart-pounding, throw-upy feeling of seeing things in black and white. I hope you have a good lawyer who will tell you what to do with your new information and how to collect more. 23 years? Raising your children for 19? Nail his balls to the wall. I was married for 22. I hope you live in a state that favors your situation. I was lucky. You can do this! Yes, it takes academy award winning acting-I thought that many times! I just thought of my future with my children to make it through.
Nailed to the wall, cut off, sliced, diced, served with pie…whichever floats your boat really
We take the same week every year to go on vacation. We usually go to the same campground. Could not subject my boys to those memories so I decided to drive them 12 hours south to Busch Gardens. Never in my wildest dreams would I think of doing this by myself,
I hope you had a wonderful time! I took my first solo vacation with kids in tow this year. Went somewhere I love, but was never good enough for the Ex. It was fantastic. Good for you!
But you did it Chumpdad, you rock the mighty!
My kids and I are currently doing a road trip which we’d done as a family for probably 8 of the last 10 years, including a couple of places STBX took OW. Being at some of these places without him has been kind of painful, especially the places he brought her, but overall it’s been good, as I feel I’ve reclaimed these places and my kids really enjoyed it, as they’ve always loved some of these places. That said, I don’t know if I’ll do this exact trip again. We can find other places to enjoy. In the past, I always rode shotgun. This time I was in the driver’s seat, navigating some of these crazy European roads. I totally feel mighty!! And STBX is feeling like an ass as the kids tell them what a great time they’re having on this family vacay WITHOUT HIM.
I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but I truly hope STBXW feels like shit looking at the facebook photos of the boys having a good time and reading what they’ve been doing. I truly hope this adds to the stress of her relationship with OM so she’ll feel alone. I feel good about the trip and feel good about our bonding. I feel stronger now than before I left and more removed from her.
Since he left over a year ago:
I’ve moved, gotten a new job with a fat raise…about 20k more than what X makes in a year, so that’s nice. 😉
I have my own place for me and my daughter.
Filed for the Big D, hopefully it’s over and done with by September/October.
Spend my free time working out (and by free time I mean working out in my living room after the little one goes to sleep…what is free time?)…and as such I’ve lost 80 pounds since January of 2013.
I’m closer than ever with my family.
I am finally seeing the past 15 years without the blinders on, and I can see I’m so much better now without this hurtful relationship in my life.
Haha, earning more than your ex is awesome! It really sounds like you’re doing a great job with making your life better for you and your daughter. Being a single parent is no small thing either.
I spent two weeks in Italy.
My ex and I had planned a trip for our 25th wedding anniversary but instead I found out about his five year affair…
It had been my lifelong dream to travel there so last spring, in a burst of joyful spontaneity, I just took the leap and went.
Every expectation was exceeded and I did days of exploring completely on my own. Glorious!
Yea! Italy! Did you get to Lake Como?
Cinque Terre (Rick Steves is right – it’s beyond beautiful) then Tuscany.
I was fearful to spend the money and to take the time off work. But what’s the point of walking through the infidelity fire if you don’t emerge on the other side stronger and more brave? So I did the trip on a dime and my office lived without me and now I have a grand adventure held in my heart forever.
Good for you!!!
Not that this is a travel blog, but Lake Garda is also fantastic
wow that is MIGHTY on your own kudos
It’s been a year since we split. Since that time:
*Landed a nice, affordable apartment in a city that I absolutely love. It has a great school district and my kids are thriving here.
*I’ve gone back to school for a Paralegal certificate. I’ll be done this fall.
*Made plans to finish my degree.
*After several frustrating attempts to mediate the divorce settlement, I retained a great attorney who is a perfect combination of peacemaker & pitbull.
*Started hiking again and have climbed several peaks since.
*Took a course to learn how to use a map & compass so I can start backpacking.
*Dipped my toe into the dating waters. Looks like fun though I’m not quite ready yet.
*Fired all the toxic and disordered people from my life. These are the people who sided with my ex, who had the nerve to tell me to my face that after all he did he was a “good and decent man.” FUCK THEM!!!
*Helped my kids transition through all of this. I’m happy to report that they are doing very well!
I am mighty because I got out of bed this morning, ready to look for more jobs since being pink slipped at my school after two years of a stellar start, incredibly glowing reviews and wonderful inroads with our district’s “fringe” families who struggle to keep their child engaged in school. I’m trying hard not to panic or be bitter, realizing that I can’t control a school system’s priorities.
For the first time ever, I feel complete without a man in my life, and am relatively content with my personal life. I’m also not obsessing anymore about the “fabulous” life my X created for himself with his bimbo’s money when he demolished our family. Give me an authentic life built on truth any day! I’m also working on staying above the fray when he tries to stir up shit for sport with me. No contact is the best invention ever, especially in response to a very important person who demands attention. It’s the perfect response! 🙂
Oh, and I’m painting rooms and cleaning out clutter. It’s all good.
You are mighty and another job is coming, I know it!
Bless you for that, Dat! I’m doing my best not to panic! 🙂
Definitely don’t panic. There is such a need for great teachers, and it sounds like you’ll have your former employer’s recommendation.
Easier said than done, I know. But it sounds like you will be in good shape in the long run. 🙂
These postings are so inspiring. You’re all giving me some great ideas for goals, and I’m so impressed with what you’ve all been able to accomplish. Heck, it would be impressive even if you hadn’t been chumped. Kudos!
Ok, here’s what I’ve done this year:
* Hired a lawyer, got separation agreement together and got him to agree to it. We have a hearing next Thursday to get the process underway. Wish me luck!
* Learned Italian and took a trip with my sister to Northern Italy (Milan, Venice, Florence, Genoa, Parma, and a drive into the Appenines). It was beautiful and I’ll definitely return.
* Wrote half a screenplay. It’s an absurd comedy. Now I just need to finish it and get to the rewrite process.
As for my goals for the coming year: I’d like to get divorced, finish the screenplay, start a blog, and rewrite some personal essays that I drafted last year. I’d also like to work on getting stuff submitted and learn how to promote/brand myself in a non-narcissistic, self-effacing manner. I think it can be done.
So jealous of your trip to Italy, it’s on my list. When the divorce is final you’ll feel a weight lifted 🙂
Is it weird that I already feel better? I’ve been watching over my emotions, sort of preparing for a meltdown. So far, I feel pretty good. Weird.
Nope, it’s not weird, it’s awesome
Dat, I can’t wait for that feeling. It was weird how freeing it was just hearing he’d been served. Can’t wait until moving on is OFFICIAL.
Go, LB! That is outstanding! (And inspiring!)
I so seriously love this thread. These last couple of weeks have been super busy for me, and I’ve had to catch back up in small chunks, but holy smokes! Chump Nation is mighty for sure!
My divorce was finalized the end of March 2013.
In the last 12 months I/my kids:
–Refinanced the house in my name only
–are back together almost 90% of the time as exH moved overseas
–Ran a mud run with my 10 yr old
–Ran a Spartan race
–Tracked down info. exH lied about and am negotiating new child support payments
–Daughter has not had a breakdown in 6 months
–Went on some dates and realized while I am ok with the dating thing, I am not really interested at this time
Not so happy about: injury=no exercise=regained all the divorce weight loss.
But in physical therapy, so hopefully next year I will report another loss 😉
Goals for next year:
work promotion, get back in shape, figure out how to decorate the awkwardly shaped living room 😉
We are mighty Mighty!
Discovery of affair on April 3rd, of this year …. after 3 years of intense gaslighting and emotional abuse. Kicked him out. One 4 day reconciliation. Lots of talk, of reconciliation (on his part), but he did nothing to reconcile. Final straw was on July 1st. I told him, I didn’t want to see him anymore. But for the odd text concerning grass cutting and financials, I have been NC.
We live on a large lot, on a VERY steep hill. A couple of months or so ago, when we came over to cut the grass, he asked me if I wanted to learn how to use the riding lawnmower. I did a few spins and then said, ‘thanks …… now I can do it myself from now on’. He laughed a very smug laugh and said, ‘oh you think so eh?’ ha ha ha …. ‘there are some very tricky spots’. (Little did he know, that just made me all the more determined.)
I let him cut it the next few times, but a week and a half or so ago, when I got a text from him, asking if the grass needed to be cut, I texted back, ‘I’ll cut it’. He texted back, ‘ok, but it needs gas this time around …. you put it in under the seat, regular gas’. I texted back, ‘tank is full’. (I had already filled it.) He texted back, ‘ok’. (I also got the bottled water and salt for the water softener. Was always his job.)
I went to a place, just for a refresher, on how to start it, etc., a few days before I got the gas. And Towanda! I was off. He was right, there are definitely some ‘tricky’ spots, LOLOL, but I did amazingly well, for my first try. When I was done, I drove down the middle of our street (we live in the country), and I put my arms up, and felt like Rocky. 🙂 It was the best I have felt, in over 3 years. I felt empowered.
A few days later, I replaced the washers, on a leaky kitchen faucet. Piece of piss.
Just cut the grass again today. Yeeeee haaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww!
For you Teeker
Wow! I am very impressed, Teeker. I am ashamed to say, I have never cut the grass in my entire life. I have never changed a tire. I think I may have checked the oil a couple of times in my first car as a teen. I may have to add some of this type of thing to my survival skills checklist.
Thanks for the video, Dat. That is what was playing, when I did it, too, lol.
Thanks Delta ……… not bad for an old broad, about to be 60 next month. 🙂
– Earned my Karate black belt
– Bought my own place
– Dated for a little while
– Met someone new
– Have been put up for promotion at work
– Got back into skateboarding
– Got back into photography
– Reunited with my friends
Forgot one of the most important:
– Told my ex, very unambiguously, how damaging her behaviour had been.
Congratulations on getting your black belt. And everything else. I don’t know why we give up so many things we love when we’re in relationships. I won’t ever do that again.
I agree – never give up the things you love for someone else.
kendoll, you are an inspiration!
Killed my back lawn and put in a giant vegetable garden, because, well, I felt like it.
Working on a book project. No prospect of a large financial return (very technical subject, small market), but I think there’s a worthwhile opportunity.
At the water polo Junior Olympics with my 15yo daughter. She herself has got a level of mighty going on!
In the little over a year since dday, I got divorced. I have had a few rooms repainted, and I re-arranged things and re-decorated some in my home to reclaim my space for me. I have worked hard on my career and had some achievements. I started dating again a little but nothing serious. It is, however, nice to know that there are some kind guys out there who don’t seem to be narcissists. But mostly I have been focused on my healing and doing things that help with that…artistic stuff, reading lots of books, and writing. I’ve learned how to be on my own again, and I am happy most of the time. I don’t think I am quite at meh, but I think it must be close. Maybe some Tuesday this year…?
All this mightiness has me getting off my rear end and headed to the gym. Thanks, Chumps!
Today I finally went N/C. No email/text/phone. It’s been 11 mos since 3 ddays. 9 mos since I kicked him out. And almost 3 yrs of gaslighting during the affair with my friend. I am mighty and will promise you all – right now – I am STAYING NO CONTACT! That’s on my word.
Damn straight you are staying no contact, don’t make me come over there!! Jedi hugs Shechump!
Thanks Dam – And, damn, I needed that bitchslap!
jeez – that was empowering to say!
I’m a little late in commenting to this post because I have spent the day in court, appealing to the judge please don’t throw my X in jail for nonpayment of child support. I know, I know. . . How mighty is that? Chump nation citizens are uniting in one collective eye roll . . . . for the chump-a-lump who YET AGAIN begs the court for mercy on behalf of the cheating ex-husband who spends all his money on the OWife and new family with none left over for his original family. . . . . . (Long pause for effect). .. . . You see, my offer to plea for mercy on his behalf at the contempt-of-court hearing (initiated by none other than, guess who???? wink wink) came at a cost to my X. My price? That he sign over his parental rights so that my husband (the good one) of 7 years can adopt the children. Icing on the cake? X’s desperate attempt to look good to the court (he is $70K-plus in arrears in child support) by making a last ditch payment more than covered the cost of the adoption. My hubby flies in to town tomorrow for the weekend, then we go to court Monday morning at 9 a.m. to finalize the adoption. When we leave courthouse, the children and my husband and I will just keep driving west until we arrive in our new town: Austin, TX, where hubby recently took a new job! My mini-van is already packed up with our stuff. Yes, Chump Lady, our little family is headed your way, and I expect a ticker-tape parade! I just realized that 9 years ago THIS WEEK, my D-Day was the shock of my life when I found out I was being traded in for the secretary. I had a one-week-old son and a three-year-old daughter. I was devastated and it took me several years to reach a level of normal (if you ever really “fully recover” from these things). Exactly 9 years, I will be riding off into the sunset with my true love and our children.
I LOVE IT!!!
Delta – you totally ROCK. I want some of your gusto! way to go. And congratulations on you new husband adopting your child. That child is lucky. HUGS
Thanks! For the record, it took a long time to get my Gusto back — or at least back at the levels pre-Divorce — so you and others who are wondering where yours went please remember that I’m a long ways out from D-Day and don’t despair if you “aren’t feelin it.” I was a sniveling mound of tears and snot for THE LONGEST. Probably wouldn’t have taken me nearly so long to heal if ChumpLady had been around as a resource back in those days and I hadn’t bought into the RIC line of BS. So much healthier now.
Delta – I am one on of the very few lucky ones who found this site out from the beginning. It’s guided my life going forward. Not to sycophant, but gosh-damn I love CL, and more even – are the all the people that have posted (without judgement) that have helped me move along. I would be where I’m at to today w/o this sight and I think we live in wonderful times.
SO: My FIrst Goal: I was sitting at the computer shop the other day and an elderly lady was paying $$ for help to learn the computer. Well, I’m a computer junkie with a ton of time on my hands. I think my next goal is to volunteer in elderly homes to learn a simple computer to stay in touch with their families. Makes me smile to think about it, and I could take 2 or 3 Great Danes with me, just for fun.. anyway, it seems like a good goal for me. Too much in my head – time to pay it forward…
Hey and since I’m more more benevolent than my X ever was, maybe I could raise money to buy nursing homes cheap iPads. Dammit – you guys are good for me! I can totally get that DONE.
Shechump, I think that’s a fantastic idea. I’d like to start paying stuff forward, too. It’s good for the soul.
Me, too. How awesome is that!
Nicely played!!!! And welcome to Texas! You are mighty if you can survive August here. 😉 I will prepare the ticker tape!
I hope there is lots of geography between you and the idiot that just signed away his parental rights. Texas is a *big* state.
I haven’t been particularly mighty lately, but when I need something to bring the mighty I listen to We are the Champions (I sing it too), hope you like Queen: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbAVJiPPEA
🙂 Freddy Mercury rocks!
Yes, love Freddie too!! Housework to ‘we will rock you’ is so much more fun…
Today is fifty days out from D-Day. I still have terrible days. I’m not to meh or mighty yet. but I’m still breathing. Went full NC two weeks ago.
So here is what I have done to survive:
Insisted that EX and OW pool their resources to pay for our entire dissolution. No, he will get nothing from me, I will get nothing from him. If they are in such a hurry for their true love to be public, they can pay the ticket price to hell. Luckily, we were only together three years and there were no children.
I have lost 35 pounds and completely overhauled the way I eat. The fatty junk and slabs of meat preferred by the Cold Slab of Meat made me sick and fatigued. During the Days of Disclosure and Horror, I could only choke down healthy food, and very little of it. My stomach seems to have shrunken and adjusted. I hardly ever have indigestion anymore.
I rearranged my bedroom and I spend a lot of time there reading and drawing and healing.
I have taken up meditation and yoga, swimming and hiking to further my health. I have at least 40 more pounds to lose. I could give a fuck if EX notices. I am doing this out of neccessity to raise my two children, one of whom is a young adult with a chronic health issue which recently blew up into another hospitalization. This is for my health and longevity. The attention from men is a side effect.
So yes, I went on a few dates. It was nice after the soul crushing gaslight episode where my husband refused to hug or kiss me because it would be cheating on me with his cheating whore. It was nice to hear that I’m attractive and be hugged. Other than that, all parties knew it was too soon and my heart is pretty much a little black raisin.
My finances are coming together. Not spending every penny I had to impress, please, placate and reassure my ex that his life should be a cake walk is nice. I still make 130% of his income, and as I said he GETS NOTHING. By december I should be socking away 962.00 a month in savings.
Best of all, I have not lost one friend from his blameshifting show. Even his two friends (yes he only has two friends in the US) still like me and think he’s being a ridiculous ass. None of my friends speak to him. For all his sudden, spur of the breakup complaints about how this marriage limited and smothered him, his life is spiraling ever smaller. All he has is his lame apartment he can’t really afford and the OW. She is the only one who buys his lies about me. Hope she’s sparkly enough to last. I plan to be so happy with my life that by the time he begins to devalue and discard, I’ll not even register quickened breath over it.
I hope your heart expands into a big juicy grape very soon, Jedi Hugs Luziana.
Hey, you are MIGHTY.
Luziana, you so totally rock. High five for you!
Thanks to all of you!
I am still living with my husband–lawyer advised me to wait. Maybe we will birth a unicorn but unlikely. Yesterday he promised to stop calling me names if I stopped hounding him. #1 totally unacceptable full stop! #2 I asked him to define hounding. Well, that would be saying anything negative about him or his actions. So…
I bought a new car in my name only. I changed the beneficiary of my life insurance policies to my adult son’s name. And, ta da! I neglected to include him on my retirement plan. The ducks are getting into line.
Unicorn sightings are rare. I only hear quacking at the moment.
Smart lady you are Linda. Keep it up. You have so much more flexibility when no Divorce papers have been filed yet and spouse is unsuspecting. What is that saying? Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?
I did the same thing. It’s not easy…scratch that, it’s fucking hard but it’s well worth it. Hang in there!
Luzina said “It was nice after the soul crushing gaslight episode where my husband refused to hug or kiss me because it would be cheating on me with his cheating whore. ”
Oh God. I went through this for 2 yrs. And, when we tried R after affair, was even worse. I KNEW he felt he was cheating on this x-tra strengh garbage bag full of dog shit. It absolutely broke my heart when we were trying to R on a trip to Hawaii. It was awful. Guess we could call that abusive – he knew he was hurting me and all I asked for was a hug in those 8 days. Wouldn’t do it. Sorry, having a bad day today. Don’t suppose that snippet helps anybody.
It was without a doubt the cruelest thing. I got some last ditch soulless nookie on a trip to Disney while he was sneaking off to call and text her.
It helps alright. For us both to know WE DON”T DESERVE THAT WIRE SHOCK MONKEY BULLSHITE!
it helps you stay NC Shechump, that’s what matters.
Thanks Dat – I do keep that one memory in my head when I get weak.
What I don’t understand is how many people have sex with these cheaters after they know about the affair. Don’t mean to insult anybody but I just couldn’t imagine touching his pecker in Hawaii, knowing where it was. I didn’t even want to glance a look at it; please help – maybe I was w/o sex too long, but how can you have intercourse with a guy that you know has been cheating. Ok..l’m off topic- sorry!
I didn’t know. I knew something was off but not what. They were just EA at that point, and I only found that out 20 days later. They insist they were chaste until he moved out. They have MORALS!
I didn’t know there was another woman and I had sex with my husband twice after we separated. I could tell something was “off” in his routine and of course, a couple of months later, when I found out that there was another woman, I understood why. Went to have all the usual tests done. When they came back negative, I was really tempted to say to him, “You and your girlfriend need to get to Planned Parenthood, pronto.” But yeah, if I had known, I would never want to be near his dick. The thought repulses me.
Because lies, Shechump. My ex came begging to come back and insisted in sex, also insisted he’d not had sex with OW. I gave in to it, lies. Not only had he had sex eith her, he literally came to me straight from her bed and gave me an STI, the one thing I’m not meh about and probably never will be.
I wanted to reclaim what I had hoped was still mine. I had read once that feeling followed actions so I had hoped that STBXW would have felt something. Nope, just rubbed my face in it again. I’m an idiot.
I’m ashamed to say, I do get this. Now I know there’s a term for it: “hysterical bonding.” Right after I found out what was on my X’s hard-drive and cell phone, I freaked the fuck out. I mean honestly, it was like slipping into an alternate reality, where everything about him looked the same but was so utterly divorced from the person I thought I knew best in the world. When I confronted him, he swore on the lives of all our kids that he hadn’t done what I thought he’d done, and even though my gut told me he was lying (which he was), I found myself in bed with him and trying to get back to where I’d naively thought we were. That’s been the hardest thing to forgive myself for.
But, hey. It’s 11 months later, and things feel so different now. Lots of it is the blessings of this blog, and lots of it is just trusting that my life journey is not about the shit show I went through with my X. I’ve started dating again, and while I haven’t met anyone who rocks my world yet, I’ve realized that life ain’t over at 50. Far from it! I’m enjoying the process of reclaiming myself and discovering parts of self I didn’t know about before.
Linda – applause! That’s the exact way my stbx tried to handle things. stfu….don’t discuss this. And, his famous last words (literally) were, ‘get over yourself’. That was enough for me. Enjoy those ducks – they are very rewarding for the work you do for them. 🙂
Ha! You’re all so mighty and I’m slowly getting there. Baby steps for me since DD #3?#4? about a year ago. I honestly don’t even know how many OWs but luckily I’ve found out about them all in the same time frame (he confessed to a couple but evidence has indicated there are more.)
So a year later I’m slowly rebuilding my life, reclaiming my identity and even dipping my toes in the dating pool. My toddler is thriving, my friends have been amazing and NONE of them sided with the ex, including members of his own family. Technically things are good, although not entirely at meh. I’ve been educating myself about cluster B fucktards and generally disordered people and guess what? They’re all over the place and now I can spot them fairly easily these days. Now when I meet a new person, a potential friend, I’m able to identify those red flags much quicker than before, and they cut off immediately, even if it means I may be overreacting. I’ve been blogging on tumblr for over two years and I’m up to 45k followers although no publishing deal yet 😉
To summarize, I think the most important mile stone in mightiness has been able to open up to a new relationship, although I’m still apprehensive about how soon/how fast I should proceed. Much to ex’s dismay, I’m finding that nice, professional, accomplished men actually want to date me. Ex was fired from 90% of jobs he held,
was a horrible provider and always stated that he’s the best I can do. I can laugh in his face now. Not only that I’m putting my career back together, it’s also quite flattering to learn that successful men find me interesting and worthy of their attention (again, ex was always convinced that I’d be “stuck” with him bc I’m too old to find a new realtionship.) I’m 37, by the way, which I’m realizing isn’t really that “old” to start a new life.
oh hell no you are not old, you are in your prime Monika, keep kicking ass!
Hell, Monika! You’re not in your prime until you’re MY age. Just turned 58. and smoking the hopium pipe that somebody might actually make a pass at me someday. I suppose, I need throw out vibes for that, but I’m not into vibes like that right now. But, maybe…someday. Best of luck
I swear to God that I used to think of a 58 yr old woman as old w/o sexual desires. I guess that couldn’t be further from the truth as long as you have a clitoris and desires, right? Gad – been so long since I’ve had sex, I admire you that have gone for it. I don’t feel old – so maybe that will help?
Life is so good!
Been divorced over a year and …
Looked at ex as if he were a stranger when he showed up and wanted to reconcile. I told him I don’t ever want to see him again. (This is big since I’ve been in false reconciliations over 20 years.)
Spend lots of time with my amazing son who, thankfully, is not at all like his father.
Volunteer for two organizations, one as a board member.
Continue to do quite well at work. Now earning more than ex.
Look a lot younger than ex who is all about looking good. LOL.
Made more friends.
Travel a lot.
Picked up bike riding again and learning to play a musical instrument.
Repainted all the rooms in my house, deck, replaced the chandelier in the dining room and replaced bathroom countertops. All by myself.
Can spot an asshole a mile away.
Value myself so it’s easy to get rid of anyone who doesn’t value me.
“Can spot an asshole a mile away.”
LOVE LOVE LOVE! Yes, I noticed not long after X left (9 years ago) that all of a sudden I seemed to have this sixth sense. I could “smell” them. You know, cheaters. I could tell right away if someone was a dumper or a dumpee. A cheater or a cheatee. And also the asshole thing. After all, cheaters don’t have a monopoly on asshole-ish-ness. I think that is one of the best things to come out of all this for me. I refuse to subject myself to assholes of any type. Teaching my kids the “if I wouldn’t do it to ya, I won’t take it from ya” reverse golden rule.
Boy, DeltaGirl65, isn’t this the truth! I feel my asshole radar is just amazing. The sad part about this whole thing, though, is that it was tough coming to terms with how poorly my ex treated me … and that I put up with it! But this was good knowledge which allowed me to become “mighty” through therapy and lots of self-work and introspection. I read your post above – good for you for now having a wonderful husband. I’m not interested in dating right now. Just happy being single and carefree … and asshole-free. 🙂
“can spot an asshole a mile away”. Good one.
Right now, they all look like assholes to me and I’ve really been looking at the slim pickings out there. Why do older men want to wear facial hair? NOT that t