I can’t stay away, chumps. Tori Spelling has yet another reality TV show. “Cabin Fever” is the fresh hell that debuted yesterday on the appropriately acronym-ed GAC channel. (How do you feel about another Tori and Dean reality series? GAC! barf! sputter!)
Apparently it was filmed before Tori knew about Dean’s serial cheating. You know, when she learned exactly how un-special OW-turned-wives are. This is the golden ignorant period when her biggest marital problem is adjusting to a port-a-potty. Versus adjusting to the fact that she married a booze-pickled Canuck with a wandering dick. (Which really, when you think about it, is akin to adjusting to a port-a-potty. It’s unstable, disease-ridden, and stinks to high heaven. Lean in, Tori. Lean in.)
Tori bids us to watch her.
Not only is it the 4th of July, but it’s also the premiere of our new home renovation show Tori & Dean: Cabin Fever! It premieres tonight, Friday, July 4at 10/9c on Great American Country (GAC) owned by HGTV. The show is reality meets reno! We filmed it last summer and it documents our whole family moving up to Canada for the summer to renovate a lakeside cottage. Dean and I and all 4 kids completely renovated and decorated an entire cottage ourselves. Watch the 6 episode series and see us redo all the rooms, bring my modage style (modern vintage) to the lake, and create an amazing outdoor oasis! We DIY’d our hearts out and created a dream summer destination. We even picked up a couple goats, chickens and rabbits on the way! Will you be watching? Love, T
Is it wrong of me to wonder what happens to the goats, chickens, and rabbits when she moves back to LA? Do they transition from pets to meat? Are they useless props? Will they be carted back on TV like her kids when she needs some camera-ready cute? More important, are they pastured, free-range goats, chickens, and rabbits? Because if I want to watch smug, aspirational reality TV I demand that my livestock be HSUS-certified, organic, and on pasture. Make a note, Tori. Only common people raise conventional livestock — and you are a special person.
But in Cabin Fever, I believe the premise is Tori is slumming it with the proletariat who have summer homes that can only be reached by private seaplane. Watch Tori use an outdoor toilet! Watch Tori learn to lay sheetrock! (Watch Dean lay everything that’s not sheetrock…) Watch Tori cope with house of ordinary proportions!
No really. Watch. “Baaabe?!”
According to the promo literature, Cabin Fever is about Tori and Dean “bonding” over home remodeling. Clearly, these Hollywood script writers have never combined marriage and gutting a bathroom. (Raising my hand — I have!) That premise is as laughable as enriching your marriage when your four grown children and their offspring move into your basement.
Home remodeling is not “bonding” — it’s something people endure for the greater good of working plumbing or more closet space.
But maybe Tori needs some adversity to triumph over. Like enduring “cottage life” and picking out the right vintage accessories. Versus the adversity of dumping a cheating husband. Good life decisions are like home decorating, Tori. It’s all about the editing.