What Gift Do You Give a Cheater?

Riffing on our renconcilliation post the other day, Blue mentioned that Mort Fertel advises you win your cheater back with gifts.

I wonder what gift says “thanks for the STDs”? Is there a gift guide for infidelity? Third D-day? Oh, that’s silver. Fifth D-day that’s paper. (Divorce papers?)

I mean what kind of lunacy is this? Does Mort Fertel advise people who have been mugged to win back their wallets with moonlit dinners? “Yes, I know you held me up at knife point, but I thought if we could just sit down to a nice osso bucco you’d be persuaded to return my  money. More wine?”

This prompted today’s post idea — what’s your crazy cheater gift idea?

Red had a good suggestion too — what’s the humorous title of your reconciliation guide? “When Splendid People Hook up on Craigslist?” “Getting the Love You Need from a Sociopath”?

Lay it on me.

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TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

Hmmm?

Betrayed men should probably gift their cheating wives a pair of charm bracelet balls so that she can wear his balls around her wrist. Symbolism works with women, and she’ll know that he knows.

Betrayed women, on the other hand, cannot afford to be subtle because male cheaters rarely get subtle even if they wear a man purse, apply patchouli oil and cry when they read greeting cards, so… I think you should just set him up with your female friends/relatives or hire hookers; that’s not too subtle, is it?

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Bahahaha! Charm bracelet balls! You could sell them on the HSN. Who the hell is Mort Fertel? What an idiot. He’s probably still angry that he’s named Mort Fertel.

FLBright
FLBright
9 years ago

Ohhhhh! Let me be the first to say it… The best gift would be YOUR NEW BOOK! With a note that says “Thank you to you, and the millions of sociopaths like you, for the fodder that will make this neat lady famous! HUGS! FLBright”

dani
dani
9 years ago
Reply to  FLBright

Amen!

Arnod
Arnod
9 years ago

How about “I’m Okay, You’re Not” or “How to Fuck Your Own Best Friend”.

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnod

HaHaHa, Arnod!

MissedRedFlags
MissedRedFlags
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnod

That’s funny!!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnod

“I’m Okay, You’re Not” LOL!!! Love that!

Raging
Raging
9 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

😀 Excellent.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago

I gave my cheater gifts. A jet-ski rental. New lingerie that I wore for him. The entire pick-me-dance was full of small gifts, physical and symbolic. The biggest gift I gave him was my trust and a second chance at our marriage, which he flushed down the toilet.

My RIC bestseller: “How to Fool Yourself into Thinking Your Marriage is Fine – The Power of Denial”

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Or “How Things Are is not as Important as How I Want Them to Be”.

Uber-Chumps and Cheaters will be attracted to the title 🙂 Now if you can craft a message that appeals t both of them, that would be tru art; something along the lines of, the cheating is not the cheater’s fault entirely, and only the chump can improve the marriage. Instant classic?

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Minus the first redundant “How”? lol I need to wake up–coffee.

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

LOL, CL I’ve been using that exact fifty shades one myself to describe my BDSM loving cheater! Too funny!

Sam
Sam
9 years ago
Reply to  Freeatlast

Here’s too funny: my ex tweeted about going away with his shiny new one of course to a place we’d gone for our thirty years or marriage: and in the tweet said, he thought enticingly, ‘and now, for *fifteen* shades of gray…’
Yeah, I think even with the shiny new model of me, that’s about all he could get it to….LOL!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“Chicken Soup for the Soulless” – Love this one!

ffghtr67
ffghtr67
9 years ago

Roses, 2 nights out with expensive dinner and movies, gourmet ice cream, a $700 exercise bike, fucking $100 worth of fucking candles at Yankee fucking Candle. 2 years later me and my kids eat ramen noodles to make ends meet.

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  ffghtr67

I feel all the “fucks.” You are not alone. I am so angry! F-ing gmo corn muffins for my son’s dinner, while X is posting pics of his restaurant meals on G+? I feel your pain.

lovehonorcherish
lovehonorcherish
9 years ago

The greatest gift I ever gave my cheater was the gift of reconciliation. We all know how that turned out!

Maree
Maree
9 years ago

The greatest gift I gave my ex husband are our children and myself. I hope he loves the kids as much as I do.

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Well said, Maree.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago

Reconciliation books:
You’ve Got Crabs!
Hiding Mr. Happy – A memoir
Love me, love my soul sapping neurosis
I’m OK, you suck balls.

Gifts for cheaters:
Viagra/Exlax brownies
A purse she can store his balls in
Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty: Two enthusiastic thumbs up. HAHAHAHA

cinamonlocks
cinamonlocks
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

This should be a Hallmark card. LOL!!

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Hiding Mr Happy – ROTFLMAO!!!

I’m having visions of a picture book, something like Where’s Wally? (I think you Americans call him Waldo?)

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Hiding Mr. Happy – A memoir!!!!! 🙂

Raging
Raging
9 years ago

Build your own lie detector kit from Radio Shack.

GPS tracking device from Radio Shack.

Voice Activated Recorder, from yea.. Radio Shack.

Get all the gifts for your cheating spouse at Radio Shack.

My book.. How Radio Shack can save your marriage.

RobinLee
RobinLee
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

God bless Radio Shack…that place is awesome.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
9 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Third that!

MGirontree
MGirontree
9 years ago

The best BJ of his life!

ANR
ANR
9 years ago

Gift certificate to Happy Endings Asian Massage and/or Goliath’s Saunatel for Men

“The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
“Let Me Be Your Bitch Forever: Unequal Marriage and the Audacity of Hopium”
“Building the Empty Marriage”

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

“The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
LOL!!!!

Talk about gallows humour. Man.

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

It’s one way of coping

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

The Audacity of Hopium — Hysterical!

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingLiquid

“The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”

Ha ha ha ha haaaa!

My second boy is a seething mass of rage and unhappiness, and my girl has developed anorexia.

But none of that is to do with him, he now has come to re-examine his workaholic ways, and is father of the century!!!

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

“The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”…..

………….fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (because they believe this shit!)

DeeL
DeeL
9 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

They truly do believe everybody should be ok with it. They have found and deserve happiness. Jerks

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
9 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

Third this too!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

I was redoing a whole house for the two of us. He left with several thousand dollars of my money in his business account, which was gone by D-Day (8 weeks, give or take).

“Win Back a Cheater’s ‘Love’ and Lose Yourself”

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

Rumblekitty……….you have me cracking up!!!!!!!!!

Awesome! Just awesome. I love when I log on and get a few good laughs!!!!!

Baci
Baci
9 years ago

I’m a lumberjack song ( chainsawman)

How to cook Swedish meatballs book

iPhone for Dummies

iPhone for dummies Audio( because she still wound end understand it)

How to spend more than 15% of the year with your sons book

Living with older men, how to handle when they’re 64!

How to stop your nose growing when telling lies. ( I see a cartoon!!!!)

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago
Reply to  Baci

Baci, the funny thing about Pinocchio is that recently I’ve been thinking that throughout our marriage, I was the little voice of Jiminy Cricket. Now that he’s an ‘independant’ man (other than my money still supporting him), he seems to have entirely lost his moral compass and any insight he ever had regarding how his actions affect his children’s feelings about him.

Baci
Baci
9 years ago
Reply to  Rosie Boa

They lose total focus on the children.
They realise the mess they have created but have to focus on the new partner. It’s at such an expense in every way that they have to keep sacrificing everything to the new relationship until there’s nothing left to sacrifice.

In my case she was always talking about her nose and having plastic surgery and now I know why. Careful people if you tell too many lies your nose will grow!!

If you have older children they sort out their own boundaries etc and know who the committed parent is

P.F
P.F
9 years ago

It would be a coffe table book on bathroom selfies.

Chapter 1
How to crap on the crapper while sexting.

Chapter 2
how to take a selfie without the toilett in the background

Chapter 3
what to do with the shaved pubes? Save them for future hairline transplant or how to avoid clogging the toilett.

Chapter 4
Sexy poses for bathroom selfies, pouting provatively for women, blue stee look for men.

Chapter 5
Your glorious groin close up,. Tips on bathroom lighting.

Gaby
Gaby
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

PF on Dday I did found an email with gym bathroom selfies sent to the bitch. It was titled “so that you don’t miss me”.
I want to throw up.

Whatawaste
Whatawaste
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

Mine does a nauseating blue steel/duck face combo. He’s turned into one preening Basic Bitch. You go, sexy! Lolz

Only way is up
Only way is up
9 years ago
Reply to  Whatawaste

PF…I am laughing so hard. The worse part is I can picture the ex doing this. In fact one time he forgot to take his phone into the toilet with him, it rang, and I remember him running out to get it with his undies on, and then running back to the toilet. My son said I hope he remembered to wipe.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Only way is up

This image is absolutely hilarious. Haha!!

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  Only way is up

LOL!

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

PF!! hahaha!!!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

Tips on bathroom lighting. LOL!!!!! 🙂

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

I think my ex wrote that book.

Tiredsigh
Tiredsigh
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

I just snorted from laughing out loud!

Wastedheart
Wastedheart
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

My stbx repeatedly took crotch shots in the bathroom too, his member festooned in frilly ornamentation. The only thing more shocking to me was the realization of how common it is to chronic cheaters, who believe that what would be disgusting and juvenile if performed by ANYONE else (read: the reviled Anthony Weiner), their specialness somehow elevates the act into something sexy, silly or just plain comic genius!

The capacity for seeing themselves as good guys while repeatedly making cavalier choices that devastate their families and inflict a lifetime of pain on the ones who loved and trusted them? I’ll never understand it. Therefore, I think the perfect cheater gift is a portrait that reflects his true self a la Dorian Gray.

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  Wastedheart

Festooned in frilly ornamentation! OMG, I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe for a moment. As for the rest, well put. I never found selfies as he hadn’t started his diet yet, but he was a proud contributor to the then trending G+ Nat’l Choke Day. Tasteful pics of women being choked. B & W. He has class, after all . . .

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Wastedheart

I used to wonder why my STBX took so long in the bathroom. Constipation? Then I saw the texts (sent via Twitter as private messages–he’d forgotten to stop notifications–about the pictures he sent her, how “huge” he looked, etc. Then it dawned on me that he needed to spend that time to get ready, as it were. Also, I finally realized that the phone was being used for more than just Pandora–perhaps Rhapsody!

Anyway, every time he goes in the bathroom, I have to stifle a laugh. And yes, he’s constipated, too. Has to take Metamucil, too.

Perhaps that’s one gift: Metamucil, because he’s full of shit!

MrsM
MrsM
9 years ago
Reply to  kb

Metamucil!!! lmao. that is what i am going to give him as a christmas gift from the kids. hehe with a little note saying becuase you are so full of shit!!!

P.F
P.F
9 years ago
Reply to  Wastedheart

My ex-wife is the queen of bathroom selfies. Even more pathetic were the losers who sent her bathroom selfies. At first I was disgusted but years later I find it hilarious.
Cheaters are unoriginal, and so is their junk.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

No more reading CL responses on the commute home. I was killing myself laughing on the Skytrain, and I’m sure I must’ve looked certifiable.

Just awesome. 🙂 🙂 🙂

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

The Skytrain? Hey, fellow Western Canadian!

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

Hey! Signs of life at a Skytrain station near me! Do I smell a chance for a meet-up and some swapped chump stories? 🙂

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  FoolMeTwice

Unfortunately not. I’m in Calgary, where the 10-day cheaterfest known as Stampede is just starting.

Chumpette
Chumpette
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

“Cheaters are unoriginal and so is their junk.” Lol and so true!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  P.F

P.F

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! The Best!!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago

I invested part of a small inheritance in his side business which he was trying to get off the ground (for most of the marriage). I bought sexy lingerie, sex toys, paid for romantic get-aways, bought him porn for us to “share.” All of this because the need to have her license revoked MC told me I was not being “supportive enough” and I needed to “understand him and meet his needs.” Of course, once all the money was gone, so was he. No more fun and games and real life intruded once again.

New RIC Titles:

Enough About Me, Let’s Make It More About Me: Having a Successful Marriage With The Chronically Self-Absorbed

That’s Not Lipstick! It’s Kool-Aid! and Other Adult Fairytales or How to Have a Successful Love Relationship With Your Pathologically Lying Spouse

The Zombie Marriage – How to Rekindle the Love After a Betrayal

It’s Not Me, You’re Just An Asshole – A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to Recovery

Carrie
Carrie
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

My son just opened the door to see what I was laughing about.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Chump Princess for the WIN….the first one is PERFECT, and the rest also brilliant 🙂

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago

Thank you Little Mighty Me. However, I must say, it is all my fellow Chumps who inspired me.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Killing myself laughing. HAHAHAHA

Paula
Paula
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

LOL! Too funny! Had me falling off my chair. Thanks for the laughs, I need them these days!

P.F
P.F
9 years ago
Reply to  Paula

Good one , Chump Princess
Kool-Aid…or perhaps “Kook-Aid” for cheaters. Lol

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Yay!

freeatlast
freeatlast
9 years ago

When I found out about his affair through emails he had saved I printed out all the emails including her detailed account and made it into a spiral bound book (love working for a printer). I made a cover for it (love being a graphic designer!) entitled Memories by [their names] with exclusive forward by ME! I went through the book and highlighted moments that stood out and added my own comments. I printed out her picture to be an 8×10. I was going to frame it but it wasn’t worth the $1. I laid it all nicely on his desk eagerly waiting for him to see it when he got home from his business trip.

Let me tell you I got the best gift back from him after he saw it. His face was priceless!!

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

Fucking Fantastic. Go girl!

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

The.best.ever.

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

That is awesome. My hat’s off to you!

Babushka
Babushka
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

(standing ovation)

BRAVO!!!

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

So, when is that book freeatlast, available on Amazon?

SAChump
SAChump
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

I did the same! 200 page book with emails, Skypechats, erotic poems, and pictures of 3 OW (the ugliest ones I could find) and also lots of highlights to the juiciest parts …I didn’t print it because I thought it would be a waste of money and paper (I don’t work at a printer) but I send it to him as a pdf….When he saw it, it was the only time he cried during this whole ordeal. His crying was of embarrassment because his cover had been blown…not of remorse, of course. Unfortunately, I wasnt so smart as to give the book a title but I did set it up as three chapters of his life. It was painful for me to make, but his crying was priceless…

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  SAChump

You rock, too. Hard to deny what’s in print and all bound up. 200 pages…amazing.

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  SAChump

He was probably wondering how on Earth you could be so cruel to cast him in such unflattering light! Woe!

Finally realized
Finally realized
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

Oh dang! That is fantastic!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

Fantastic idea!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

free,

I wish I possessed your talent and creativity! You rock!

Margo
Margo
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

OMG – that is the BEST! I work for a printer and it never occured to me to do that. Freeatlast you rock!

Tiredsigh
Tiredsigh
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

I bow to the master!

P.F
P.F
9 years ago
Reply to  Tiredsigh

brilliant!! Freeatlast

I can see it as a best seller along with CL’s book.

Wastedheart
Wastedheart
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

My hero.

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

That’s wonderful, freeatlast!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

I love it.

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

Brownies/chocolate cake. Brownies/cake that are served a la The Help–full of shit! Followed with a book to the tune of “Take your shit and eat it” or “how to cook your shit in 30 minutes or less!” or something like that.

lucky35
lucky35
9 years ago

Yes, I cooked him delicious crab cake sandwiches for dinner, delicately seasoned with curry powder and Chile. He complimented me from making them and then proceeded to tell me he didn’t live me like a girlfriend anymore (after 6 years together). I suspected another woman but like a true chump believed him when he said there was no one else.

The second and last conversation, right before I moved out and discovered he had lied and been cheating, I had weeded the backyard and spent 2 hours making a special greek-themed Easter dinner.

So my book would be” from gourmet to take-out: the story of a narcissist who ate out another woman”

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  lucky35

“Crab” cakes–subtle, oh so very subtle.

Happilyeverafter1959
Happilyeverafter1959
9 years ago

Well I never thought about buying any gifts for him. But he sure tried “apologising” or whatever to me almost one year later, by sending me a gift box of assorted flavored Olive Oils from a business trip he repeated that I went on one year previous with him. You see I had to surrender my olive oils at airport security because I forgot to put them in the check on luggage. I guess he thought he was being “Nice” to remind me of that bizarre trip we were on. Long story short…..he was so out of character on that trip it was scarey. His behavior was odd to say the least. Two months almost to the day after returning is when I found out about his creepy other life. My daughter was asked by him to find out if I had received the olive oils and did I like them. I never acknowledged them to him. They sit in a drawer. I think about regifting them or donating them to the food shelf. She also said that prior to him going on the trip he inquired if she thought it would be okay to invite me to go back there with him again and should he call and invite me. We haven’t spoken in months at that point. NC! She told him he was crazy for thinking that. Damn Right! He is crazy, demented and straight up out of his mind! I personally think the “gift” was his way of trying to inflict more pain on to me. Either that, or he is more delusional than we all ever thought. One sick puppy out of my life….Gifts…….OMG he rarely if ever gave me them over our 30 year relationship. And me….I was always buying him little things. Even if it was just his favorite nut mix or candy. I was always trying to surprise him with little things to say that I care. Never ever did I think about bribing that fucker back!

Really
Really
9 years ago

Back when we were in (false) R, the xH “had” to go to a school event. I decided to go with him, with the kids, something I wouldn’t normally do. OW showed up (I found out later they had planned on meeting up that evening) and xH ignored her, in front of me.

I was so happy, the next day I got him the new version of the iPad he wanted.

Which he then used (a few hours later) to message with OW. They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.

Lovely.

I got the iPad in the divorce.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  Really

That fucker. “They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.”

I swear they do this shit because they are passive-aggressive cowards and it makes them feel super awesome to stick it to you by sticking it to their whores. It’s really a passive-aggressive, shitty thing to do.

Ugh. Fuckers. Sooooooooooo glad to not be married to such a fucking coward any more.

Raging
Raging
9 years ago

New gift Idea..

Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background.. or just replace yourself with the OM/OW depending on your mood that day.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background..

That’s so creepily fantastic! [shiver]

Wow! Kinda for real, though.

freeatlast
freeatlast
9 years ago
Reply to  Raging

I’ve thought about photoshopping him out of family pics around the house just to see if he’ll notice. He wasn’t present emotionally and mentally so why should he be physically right?

Free2b1
Free2b1
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

WOW…sooo true 🙁

RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas
RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas
9 years ago

Gift card to the STD clinic.

Weight Loss, Working Out, and Standing on Your Own Two Feet: How to convince your wife that you only cheated to make her a better person.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago

OMG! THIS!

Cheater actually said once, “See? Look at all the good things that happened because of this.” SMH. He really put the shit in bullshit.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Chump Princess, my ex said the same thing “Look at you, you’re getting out of the house, you lost weight, you bought new clothes, this has really helped you” Followed by a pity party for how it hurt him so much. What the flying fuck? Yeah I lost weight, I was a bone, I wasn’t fat to begin with. Yeah I bought clothes because mine were falling off of me. What an asshole.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Yeah, mine was telling me that I’d finally get to do all the things I always wanted to do. See, he wasn’t doing anything unkind, he really had my best interests at heart!

DeeL
DeeL
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

My stbxh said I should be happy because I could finally do the things I wanted. Yay me. And when he complimented me and I didn’t answer back was offended. Play nice good chump while I get patted on the head. Wtf.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

My STBX was offended because I basically ignored his comments/compliments regarding the weight loss and how great I looked.

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago

Love that title! It’s true for me.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago

Love this! LOL.

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago

My husband and I split up last October, but I didn’t know for certain that there was another woman until January. During November and December I was playing the pick me dance but I allowed myself to believe there was no other woman (in my heart I think I knew).

I bought him household goods, cologne, food. He called me over for sex but then jumped right out of bed the second it was done and while I dressed he would ask me if I had any money. So I fucked him twice and paid for the “pleasure” of it, while he already had another woman. This was him wanting to see how far he could go simply for the thrill of it, and no thought at all to the fact that I gave up literally everything I had for him. Maybe he was even comparing us. I shudder to think.

My book would be called: “The Internet Guide to finding Gullible Americans to Deplete their Life Savings and then Abandon their Fat Ass to go Live the American Dream.”

Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all.

Jode70
Jode70
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingLiquid

“but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think.”

I’m with you on that… it is 3 years now for me and still I wonder how somebody could do this… just leave without even a backwards glance to either me or our children. Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy in my life now but will never understand how somebody could do this. Hugs

MrsM
MrsM
9 years ago
Reply to  Jode70

same with me. i struggled with the “how could he simply turn and walk out of my life” and act like i was nothing and am nothing to him?

my problem is the kids. they really miss him and want to see him. he says he wants to see them but shots down any suggestion i make. i dont want my kids to be around his MOW, i heard she was on meth, (that means he is too) she has 4 kids and she not only doesnt have them with her but she lives in a whole nother town and never sees them. in fact she has seen my kids more then her own. sick. he doesnt understand why i dont want the boys ariound her. thinks it is only because i am “jealous” she has him and i dont. i busted her lying to my kids so many times (in the past 3 months) and telling them things like “your dad and i love you so much” and “we wanted to see you yesterday but your mom didnt bring you” (not even his weekend.

i tried every other weekend because that is what ever other divorced couple seems to be doing. he tells me, after not making any suggestions himself, that just because everyone else is doing it doesnt mean we have to do it that way. so i say, what do you want then. answer “i want to see my boys as much as possible” well you shouldnt have left and cheated on me then. huih

i am still struggling on what is the best and the right thing to do.

Jode70
Jode70
9 years ago
Reply to  MrsM

MrsM, my ex sees the OWs kids all the time but mine if they are luck ever 6 months. I have suggested everything from having them every second weekend, to letting me know his roster and he can have them on his days off… huh are you kidding, that would interfere with the wonderfulness of his new life. Why would he want his kids around?? He fits them in when he has nothing better to do. My son doesn’t bother any more. My daughter still misses her dad.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingLiquid

“Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all”.

ML, you took the words right out of my mouth.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

What heled me with the abandonment part was learning about how narcissists devalue and then discard people. Sometimes they discard a person while still technically living with them, as we have seen here many times; other times, they walk away into a new life, and still want to keep that hook in the abandoned person, in case there’s a need for him or her.

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I agree, LovedaJackass, learning about how narcissists think would be in the same vein as admitting I was conned. I think that’s where I should focus now in my own healing process.

Monika
Monika
9 years ago

I’d hate to be such a bragger but my ex didn’t get shit from me post DD. actually, I just gave him shit but that’s about it. I’m one of those fortunate people who in the last CL post’s fell into the category of kicking disordered cheater’s ass to the curb and never looking back. Prior to that I was the one buying him clothes, always making sure that he had clean laundry, nice Lacoste shirts, good shoes, etc. Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.” Definitely not meh yet but surely not buying gifts either. It didn’t even cross my mind but that’s the beauty of refusing to dance the pick me dance. I guess DD was more of an eye opener and ultimate validation that it’s okay for me to hate him, since I’ve had that hate brewing in me for years anyway. So the discovery was simply what metaphorically broke the camel’s back. Yes, it was ugly and yes, it hurt like a motherfucker (still does), but at least I can proudly say that I’ve maintained my dignity.
I did order a few books off Amazon about personality disorders and such and made a weak attempt to share some of the excerpts with him, but just like with every other piece of literature in the house, he just ignored it and pretended he didn’t have a problem. The best gift we can give ourselves and that is to lose a cheater, and gain a life.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
9 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Ha! I used to dress him, trim the offending ear hair, etc. He was known in our town (a friend told me one day) as the best dressed guy in town. No new clothes, shoes, etc, since D-day, and a bird could raise her chicks in those ears now. Hasn’t shopped since I met him. Not-so-hipster-now eh?

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

He took everything he cared about, his phone, computers and screens, left the state and our son over a month ago. Not one call to our son. NOT ONE. It turns out dress shirts aren’t very absorbent. It took several to clean in and around the toilet. Lucky for me I have a supply.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.”

Hmmm. Giving away some of the nicer things (that I bought, or at least picked out). That just might happen…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

The last Christmas, him still living in the house, against my will was awful. He wanted us to buy presents for each other, hoovering I guess. I went to CVS and bought him a magic kit…I was hoping he’d disappear, didn’t work.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

“I went to CVS and bought him a magic kit…I was hoping he’d disappear, didn’t work.”

BAHAHAHAHA

PattyToo
PattyToo
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

😀

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

“Keep the Affair Partner Happy During Reconciliation: Updated with a bonus chapter on advanced gaslighting techniques for your spouse”

“Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss”

“How to Display Empathy During Reconciliation: Fool your Spouse in Five Easy Steps”

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Dat,

These are hilarious!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! My favorite? “Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss.” Priceless

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

LOL! Along those lines….I lost a bunch of grief-weight after dday, and my ex tried to claim that I must have some kind of eating problem. As if I caused the weight loss on purpose. What an asshat. His cheating was the reason I was crying and puking in grief, while not having any appetite. Arrrgh!

Kara
Kara
9 years ago

Oo! Oo!

“But It’s Just the Internet! Why getting online porn from other women is okay for him”

Or

“I’m Just Looking for Friends: Is that personal profile REALLY a problem?”

Or

“He Needs Other Women’s Numbers: Why you being street harassed hurts his self image.”

XD this is fun…

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Yeah, like someone else here posted, “Saying “I love you” online isn’t the same as saying it in person.”

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

The Cheater’s Guide to Communication: How to use Facebook, Apps, and Bat Phones to Keep Your Spouse in the Dark

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I’m particularly partial to the Bat Phone. 🙂 🙂

Carolyn
Carolyn
9 years ago

I did not have to get a gifts for my cheater because he usually did that for me like he helpfully did so many other thing for like deciding which truths and facts I actually wanted to know . Tw o days after the first big Dday he announced he was going to treat himself to an expensive coat we couldn’t afford and he didn’t need at REI. He explained that he felt if he didn’t he would feel deprived and also he needed to do something nice for himself so he remembered that he was still a good person so he wasn’t overwhelmed by guilt — because this could trigger his cheating again and he knew I didn’t want that. So really he was doing it for me.

Diana L
Diana L
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Wow. The I-was-bad-I-should-be-rewarded theory of reality.

Carolyn
Carolyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Moving liquid, I hear you. Even now, my ex uses any money he has (and he makes a lot) or gifts he gets for him because he deserves it but doesn’t keep up with support or give the kids anything more than a $25 visa gift card he picked up at a convienence store for Christmas. I am glad your kids have you — they learn to deal and be resilient to this stuff even though it still hurts when they have a loving primary parent, Yes, CP, he is a snake oil salesman and sadly I was not only his biggest dupe but his wingman for a long time helping to convince others he was the good guy he appeared to be in public. And LaJ, hysterical.

Jode70
Jode70
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Carolyn, they are all from ‘the same book… mine can’t possibly afford to pay half the money for his daughters braces but hey I will go on big holidays and build horse stables in my backyard!!!!!

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Carolyn, my husband is so convinced he’s The Most Special that one Christmas we were flat broke and his mother sent him some money. Did he buy his daughters a gift with it? Did he buy me a gift with it? No. He bought himself an electric piano because he needed it for his soul.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingLiquid

He was hoping if he played it, his soul would rise from the dead.

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

hahahaha

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Carolyn,

If this isn’t some of the most entitlement, fuckity-fucked up Cheaterspeak logic I’ve ever heard! What does this asshole do for a living? Ride around in a truck selling eternal youth pills and snake oil?! What a POS!!

MovingLiquid
MovingLiquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Carolyn

Oh, Carolyn.

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago

A framed photo of me taken today showing how much healthier, more relaxed, saner, wiser and awesome than I ever have been. An infinite digital audio loop of me smugly chuckling will play from a speaker on the back.

It will be wrapped in nothing because I don’t like wrapping presents. However, I will say it is wrapped beautifully because it is my turn to warp reality to suit my selfish whims.

My narcissist cheating ex-wife and her narcissist cheating boyfriend will be urged to put the chuckling photo on their mantle and if on the rare occasion my kids or his kids visit they can laugh with me.

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Chumpion: “my turn to warp reality.” Love it. My stbx completely lost it when I asked him to help me carry a bookcase in from the car (it had been there for weeks). “It’s the middle of the night!” he kept yelling. It was 9pm. His regular bedtime was 2am. I felt like I was in bizarro world. If only I’d known then what I’ve learned here.

Kara
Kara
9 years ago

My husband has one!

“Horton Hears a Ho! And other stories of D-Day.”

Tonya
Tonya
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Lord of The Flings.

The Fault in Her Ass.

Alice in Chumpland.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Tonya

A Narcissist Named Desire

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tonya

A Douche Grows In Brooklyn

Death of a Douchebag

How Green Was Your Money That I Spent

Mopey Dick

Wuthering Whores

Jode70
Jode70
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

bahahahaha… OH I love it!!! Death of a Douchebag

You’ve made my day

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Omygod this list! Hahahahaaa thank you!
This whole thread has gifted me tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow.. all of you are the best!

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Mopey Dick! {choking on my Earl Grey!}

Deborah
Deborah
9 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

Don’t forget the The Little Prick, it’s a classic!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tonya

Cheater Island

Narcissist Son Crusoe

JJ
JJ
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Omg, mine was dreaming of his own better life whilst reading “oh the places you’ll go” to our 3yo each night 🙁

MrsM
MrsM
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“The Ass in The Hat”

“The Ass in The Hat Comes Back”

Ms. Shepp
Ms. Shepp
9 years ago
Reply to  MrsM

Hilarious!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Go Whore Go!

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

My favorite! God, this thread of comments had me laughing hysterically.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

My kids just came in to find out if they needed to call 911. Thanks you guys. Oh my God, I cannot stop laughing!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

“Mean Skanks and Ham”

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“James and the Giant Peach-Colored Bustier”

Kara
Kara
9 years ago
Reply to  ANR

“The Skank in the Hat Keeps Coming Back.” XD

Or

“Amelia Bedielia Changes the Locks.”

ANR
ANR
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“Goodnight, Sucker”

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

LIKE!!!! LOLOLOL!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

I just think you give them the bill for the legal fees. You know, in a really nice envelope. Like you do.

Nord
Nord
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

I did have my ex pay for my legal bill. He didn’t realise it but yep, he paid for the whole thing.

blue
blue
9 years ago
Reply to  Nord

How did you manage that?

Much Better Off Now
Much Better Off Now
9 years ago

While I was doing the pick me dance, I bought him lots of stuff- clothes, cologne, lots of expensive couples therapy. He left all sorts of crap at my house when he left- I gave away some of the nicer things before he picked up his shit. There was some satisfaction in that!

Now, I’d just give him a box of Massengill with his photo on the box.

FlyingSquirrel
FlyingSquirrel
9 years ago

“It’s Not Me, It’s You: Blame Shifting 101”

“Dance, Varmit! The Old West Guide to Getting Your Chump to Pick-Me Dance”

“Gaslighting for Fun and Profit”

“How to Win Cake and Influence Chumps”

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago
Reply to  FlyingSquirrel

Classics!

paula
paula
9 years ago
Reply to  FlyingSquirrel

FS-
Dance, Varmit… Laughing so hard – all I want to do is take you out for a beer because this is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever!!!

FlyingSquirrel
FlyingSquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  paula

Ah, thanks! If you’re in SoCal, I’d happily take you up on that.

MMargaret
MMargaret
9 years ago

If my ex husbands are checking me out via friends of friends they will see an unmistakably happy and healthy woman enjoying life to the max, a development they gave their all to prevent. I think it’s a great gift!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

I gave my cheater an mandolin for Christmas because he’d always said he wanted one. He promptly took it to a party at OW’s house and played for her family at a party. Nice.

RIC titles:

Suddenly Sobbing Spouses
Tips on discovering whether it’s a brain tumor or an affair

Going Down With the Ship
Lessons on standing for your marriage

Solo Marriage Counseling for Dummies

Spying on Your Spouse
When you want to look, you probably should

For Better of for Worse
Tips on how bad it can get

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

These cracked me up. Especially:
For Better of for Worse
Tips on how bad it can get

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Good ones, Lyn!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  chumppalla

“Solo Marriage Counseling for Dummies” is really a good one.

AnnieW56
AnnieW56
9 years ago

Never bought him a single thing. He, however, paid my car off for me in the hopes that I would be nice in the divorce. I wasn’t.

For book titles how about: “There are worse things than being alone”

“The screwing I got while I was being screwed”

“You and me and the Bitch makes three”

“Everybody’s fault but my own”

“How to play the Blame Game Cheater Style”

chumpittychump
chumpittychump
9 years ago
Reply to  AnnieW56

HAHAH Annie! You and me and the bitch makes three and Everybody’s fault but my own…

Yup that sums it up!!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
9 years ago

I gave him the gift that keeps on giving. I let him have his ho.

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

Hahaha Chumpalicious! Me too – I set him free to ride off into the sunset with the skank. She makes him happy!

What I know, but he doesn’t, is that she procured and disposed of her last two husbands in exactly the same way. Together, they are their very own karma bus.

Whatawaste
Whatawaste
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

Word up, ugly, dumb and three young kids that are wild because she can’t parent outside of buying groceries from Whole Foods, thanks to the profitable business that I set up and had to relinquish in the divorce. She’s a serial cheater and homewrecker. Good luck with that.

C.S.
C.S.
9 years ago

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the suggestion of winning your cheater back by giving them Gift(s). Shall we make it a Holiday Celebration or Anniversary?!? “Here, Honey, let me wrap my Brokenness in this fabulous box, ooooh, and there’s a card too, so that you can be reminded of it daily…!”

On a fun note, was reading the above posts of all the fantastic book ideas and thought of a few…
* Betty Crocker’s Crock of Shit Slow Cooker Recipes
* Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing- anything that moves, and, part two, Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing away with Dysfunction

*Narcissistic Abuser – eau de cologne with notes of ego and skank
* A copy of a new version of the movie, “Multiplicity” – Multiple Partners, Multiple Lies.

Lastly, a Map to the Island of Infidelity with a sling shot so when his balls finally fall off he can shoot them off into the Sunset.

FlyingSquirrel
FlyingSquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  C.S.

Betty Crocker, lol!

Irish
Irish
9 years ago

Ten Easy Ways to Get the Wife and Kids Outta the House so you can Pull Your Pud Looking at Porn…….
Coping with Guilt: This has Nothing to do with you, so don’t take it Personal

Using Technology to Baffle your Wife

Whatawaste
Whatawaste
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Oh yes, mine never helped me with baby sleeping issues so I usually slept during the day. Chumpy me finally realized it was so he could wank to his favorite porn mistress.

Jode70
Jode70
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

That made me laugh 🙂 🙂 🙂

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

I can say I didn’t give him one DAMN thing except grief. He on the other hand, gave me money. Lots of it. I’m not sure why. Guilt, I guess. I happily accepted it.

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Oh, I did give him a permanent order of protection to keep his stupid perverted ass AWAY from me and he has very little time with the kids. :-):-):-):-):-)

SAChump
SAChump
9 years ago

I bought him the most expensive and exclusive bottle of whiskey I could find on a business trip to Scotland I made during our separation, a month before DDAY (I didnt know that there was an OW but I asked for a separation because he was acting so horribly, I couldnt take it anymore). During our first conversations after DDay, I made sure I drank as much of that whiskey as possible. I wasnt going to let the OW get any of it. The amazing thing is that it helped me think straight and I didnt get drunk…it tasted soooo good, and I don’t even like whiskey that much.

A title:

“The Infidelity Diet: How to Loose Weight Instantly without Even Trying”

‘I Just Wanted to Feel Like a Man’ and Other Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  SAChump

How to Lie Like a trained CIA Agent

Double Lives:How To Keep them Straight

Fleecing Your Wife: Do it right and she’ll never know

How to Explain to Your Children you are a Perverted Ashore

Testicles: A Womans Guide on How to Wear them as Earrings

Irish
Irish
9 years ago

Asshole I hate autocorrect

Deborah
Deborah
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

I think As hore is much better, lmao

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Irish

I’m so glad to see you post Irish! 🙂

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
9 years ago

His freedom.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Yeah… but not really… he’ll never be free from his own karma and subconscious that knows all of the lies and pain he’s made in his life by being a selfish person.

You on the other hand got the gift of freedom, even if it is terribly painful at this moment. I’m just reaching shore from several years lost at sea during a fake reconciliation, found out he’s started “talking” with another female co-worker. I still love who he was, and spend hours daily feeling awful because I miss my best friend (that he used to be), but can tell you that it does get easier and way better after some time passes and you start to focus on yourself and what you want to create for your own life without his lies. I’m so sorry that you’re going thru all of this, it’s ugly and so painful… but you are mighty and you will get to the other side. CL has totally helped me do a 180* shift, wishing you the same! Do special things for yourself often too, that helps a lot!

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago

Not to be confused with the infamous “180 to get your cheater back”!! I meant a 180 degree shift in thinking, for my own benefit! 😉

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

“I found the ‘I’ in Team: A Narcissist’s Guide to Marrige”

( the word TEAM needs to be in block lettering. The open areas in the ‘A’ need to be shaded, so that the letter ‘I’ is found in the Middle of the A-hole.)

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Brilliant, ANC, Brilliant……
Cartoon material?

lucky35
lucky35
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Ha ha ha ha!!!! I love this title, I wish I could leave it on my ex’s doorstep. Lol

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

hehe

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

” ‘She’s Not MY Mother’ and Other Truths to be Modeled to Your Children by Super Narcs”

Strad
Strad
9 years ago

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
My version:
“Women are from Venus, Men are from Uranus”

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago

A camera, a camera! He had to have a better camera! I got a nice one as a present. Why couldn’t he have one too?? He would try to sneak it out to use it even though it was one of the only things that was supposed to be “mine.” He would ask if he could have it since I wasn’t using it. OBSESSED. Shortly before we divided the assets-“I’m ordering a camera, is that OK?” I said yes, because I was too beaten down to argue about it. Happy Birthday! It was $800 including the tripod. What did he need a full sized tripod for? The man is not a photographer. I have a pretty good idea-yuck! I also have a pretty good idea of what his new coffee table book would be titled, but I will spare you.

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago

Book title: After the Affair, After That Affair, After That Other Affair…Which Affair Was That Again?