Emboldened by Esther Perel’s questionable credentials (as discovered the other day by Nomar and TimeHeals), I thought it’s about time I fluffed up my resumé. I mean, what’s keeping me from a TED talk and international corporate stardom? Goddamn it, I need an Institute!
There, let me shove Ginger, my Australian shepherd off the cushions and declare the east side of my sectional sofa to be the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies.
Perhaps you’d like to sign up for one of my courses?
Shift Your Paradigm and Get Your Shit Out of My Garage. Deconstruct the narratives of “I’ll get to it whenever” versus “What part of the separation agreement do you fail to understand?” Break out sessions on comparative strategies of Freecycle, Hefty bags, and rented 24-cubic-yard dumpsters.
Thong in My Bed and Other Found Objects. Create installations of Found Objects like “condom under carseat,” “unknown phone charger,” as well as “dating profiles discovered in browser history.” Curate for attorney.
Word Salad Dialectics. Explore the epistemology of “I am not defined by my relationships” and “If you met him, you’d really like him,” as well as “It just happened.” Belief? Justified opinion? Certainty? Create a set of situational ethics and rationalizations using tinker toys. Construct a reality. Turn it upside down. Pulverize it with ball peen hammers. Deny its being. “Tinker toys? Those are legos!” Set fire to constructed reality. Rebuild different reality. Repeat.
Rewriting the Marriage — A Historiography of Bullshit. “We were never happy.” Examine primary sources, such as the photo album from the Disney Family Vacation 2004 as well as the Valentine’s Day archives, 1998-2006.
At the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies, we also offer a full array of degrees. Certificate programs in “Achieving Meh” ($5000 for 10 consecutive Tuesdays); a bachelors in Single Parenthood; and masters in Mightiness (cuma sum I Got the House).
Our accredited faculty include Chump Lady — recognized by the New York Times (delivery person) as a “an epic chump”; Bruce, the contractor who installed our vessel sink (“and doesn’t take shit off of anyone” says Alfredo his tile guy); and Ginger, an Australian shepherd, who has killed several squirrels.
Perhaps you would like to be affiliated with the prestigious International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies? Just donate using the button to your right and I won’t send you anything (you are, after all, a chump) but feel free to make shit up! Everyone is doing it!