Emboldened by Esther Perel’s questionable credentials (as discovered the other day by Nomar and TimeHeals), I thought it’s about time I fluffed up my resumé. I mean, what’s keeping me from a TED talk and international corporate stardom? Goddamn it, I need an Institute!
There, let me shove Ginger, my Australian shepherd off the cushions and declare the east side of my sectional sofa to be the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies.
Perhaps you’d like to sign up for one of my courses?
Shift Your Paradigm and Get Your Shit Out of My Garage. Deconstruct the narratives of “I’ll get to it whenever” versus “What part of the separation agreement do you fail to understand?” Break out sessions on comparative strategies of Freecycle, Hefty bags, and rented 24-cubic-yard dumpsters.
Thong in My Bed and Other Found Objects. Create installations of Found Objects like “condom under carseat,” “unknown phone charger,” as well as “dating profiles discovered in browser history.” Curate for attorney.
Word Salad Dialectics. Explore the epistemology of “I am not defined by my relationships” and “If you met him, you’d really like him,” as well as “It just happened.” Belief? Justified opinion? Certainty? Create a set of situational ethics and rationalizations using tinker toys. Construct a reality. Turn it upside down. Pulverize it with ball peen hammers. Deny its being. “Tinker toys? Those are legos!” Set fire to constructed reality. Rebuild different reality. Repeat.
Rewriting the Marriage — A Historiography of Bullshit. “We were never happy.” Examine primary sources, such as the photo album from the Disney Family Vacation 2004 as well as the Valentine’s Day archives, 1998-2006.
At the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies, we also offer a full array of degrees. Certificate programs in “Achieving Meh” ($5000 for 10 consecutive Tuesdays); a bachelors in Single Parenthood; and masters in Mightiness (cuma sum I Got the House).
Our accredited faculty include Chump Lady — recognized by the New York Times (delivery person) as a “an epic chump”; Bruce, the contractor who installed our vessel sink (“and doesn’t take shit off of anyone” says Alfredo his tile guy); and Ginger, an Australian shepherd, who has killed several squirrels.
Perhaps you would like to be affiliated with the prestigious International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies? Just donate using the button to your right and I won’t send you anything (you are, after all, a chump) but feel free to make shit up! Everyone is doing it!
LOVE IT!!!
Please sign me up for a Certificate program in “Achieving Meh” ($5000 for 10 consecutive Tuesdays).
I will even fly out to Texas for 10 consecutive Tuesdays!
1. Are any dorms available for out-of-town students?
2. Meal plans?
If you are a going to be a true, accredited program, there ought to be dorm and meal options available.
Such as 3 meals a day included; Texas barbecue and beer available at an additional fee.
3. Dorm rules?
Such as “No shit sandwiches allowed on campus”.
4. Don’t forget a charge for study materials.
5. Official student uniforms available for purchase online through ChumpLady Shameless Merchandizing at Cafe Press.
I am a pro at handling Commencements and I volunteer to run that part of the program!
(And the donate button is on the right)
You are right, it’s right! I’m a dyslexic chump! (Will correct).
Yes, the menu includes BBQ and no shit sandwiches. 🙂
Rebecca, you may have Commencement. We also need a mascot. A home team. And a class song. Any volunteers?
I volunteer to be coach of the home team. I’ve got a whistle and a MA in art therapy. I’m a guy with a whistle and have purchased art at local garage sales. I also, can say fuck in twelve languages.
Hilarious!
I vote EL’s lovely Buzz lightyear photoshop from yesterday:
(http://www.thenewelizabeth.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/To-infidelity.jpg)
Additional Slogan: It’s not flying, it’s falling on someone else’s genitals with style.
Class song can include a stanza from Gotye’s song:
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
OR we can have a contest and see who wins the best parody award 😀 Ready, GO!
That is the only part of that song that I like. The rest of it I want to find him and smack him. You broke up with her, said she didn’t mean anything to you, and now you’re pissed because she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.
OMG, he wants kibbles! Song’s about a narc! Still want to smack him.
yes, which is why that’s the only stanza included 🙂 Just the first 3 lines even suffice
Understandable fiestypants, I just wanted to take a moment to rag on that song, since I know so many people who love it who obviously don’t listen to the lyrics.
Ooh! Can I teach the “This is NOT a Long Song: Cheaters and Narcs in Pop Culture” class? Because I have some great rants on “The Pina Colada Song” and “Lips of an Angel.”
LOVE song, sorry, typo. They probably aren’t long songs either. LOL.
How about Follow Me by Uncle Kracker. The other loser white dude from metro Detroit.
I’m super glad I wasn’t the only person who HATES that fucking song. My twins had to sing it during a choral concert a couple of years ago.
Or the entire fucking muscial, Once?
LOL, sign me up for a Doctorate!
Class song suggestion-Stacked Actors by the Foo Fighters.
Yep, great song. Pretty much summed up my former relationship.
My favorite song though is – “If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” by Mental As Anything. The melody is very haunting as well.
Could be a Chump anthem.
Words were exchanged last night
You could call it a fight
It’s such a shame, I never thought we would
Wouldn’t be so bad, if it weren’t so good
I’ve had enough of that
With other loves in days gone by
It wasn’t much I know
Mmm just enough, enough to make me cry
If you leave me, can I come too?
We can always stay
But if you leave me, can I come too?
And if you go, can I come too?
Don’t let it happen again
‘Cause that I couldn’t take
Ooh once was quite enough
It’s easy to forgive, harder to forget
If you leave me, can I come too?
We can always stay
But if you leave me, can I come too?
And if you go, can I come too?
I’ve had enough of that
Yay, yay, yay, yay
Can I come too?
Can I come too?
Ay yay, yay, yay, yay
Ay yay
OMG, I love Mental as Anything, and I love that song! “Brain, Brain” is my other favorite by them. Wish they had become better known here in the US.
Another great song is by another Aussie band, the Hoodoo Gurus – “I want you back”.
I can still recall the time
She said she was always mine
Then she left ( as people do ),
And forgets what we’ve been through
(Does this sound familiar to you ?)
It’s not that she’s gone away
It’s the things I hear she has got to say
About me – and about my friends
When we’ve got no defence.
That’s her: I’ll never believe her again.
She might have deceived all my friends
I know they will see in the end
What it all means when she says (yeah!)
I want you back (She says)
But what’s worse: she thinks it’s true
But that’s just her (she always was a little bit confused!)
She’s not worth the time I had to lose.
Brilliant!
I just created an accreditation service two seconds ago, and I give you course full accreditation. You can put that in the credentials.
I also give you an award, the first annual “Brightest blog in the universe” award, only given to the blog with the most adorable picture of a dog on a couch.
Her face says “Let me back on the couch please. I’ll be good.”
Actually, she’s saying that she volunteers to go herd the unicorns.
Well, if that’s the case, I hope they meet with a better end than the squirrels.
My Aussie caught a squirrel once and spit it out when it started wiggling and kicking in her mouth. Guess she hasn’t got the hang of squirrel killing yet.
This parallel’s my intellectual work-in-progress “I’m OK, You’re OK…until you do something that *really* pisses me off”. Bravo Chump! Fight the good fight.
This isn’t the first time I’ve read that people are ‘evolving’ towards sexual liberation. Words like freewill and character will soon be classified as hate speech. What to do? Your exposure of the myth and lies is a great start. Don’t fall for the hype.
I honestly (heh, heh) think you need to add at least …
Four integrative salons to curriculum where participants with be encouraged to engage in supervised therapeutic drama reenactments of “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say” for the purpose of further examining collective psychosocial trauma through a trans-local lens and to assist in creating cathartic transformations 😉
Clearly you are fluent in academic bullshit. 🙂
That stuff cracks me up. Orwell would have a fit 😉
I can translate it too:
“Four integrative salons where participants with be encouraged to engage in supervised therapeutic drama reenactments of ‘Stupid Shit Cheaters Say’ “.
The whole group will get together four times, and act out examples of “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say”, and this will be supervised because… well, we’re getting paid to be there and kind of lead the whole thing.
“for the purpose of further examining collective psychosocial trauma through a trans-local lens and to assist in creating cathartic transformations”.
This is a fancy and obtuse way of saying that the group will span many cultures and geographies, and it is hoped that acting out “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say” will help them begin to put the trauma of the abuse they suffered behind them.
I can’t help but share this “academic bullshit generator”:
http://pdos.csail.mit.edu/scigen/
Enjoy!
to “the” curriculum. My editor is still on his permanent vacation 🙂
That’s okay. I forgot where the donate button was.
and “will be” not “with be”–dang. I am not good at comments.
Let me try again:
The program should also include four integrative salons where participants will be encouraged to engage in supervised therapeutic drama reenactments of “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say” for the purpose of further examining collective psychosocial trauma through a trans-local lens and to assist in creating cathartic transformations
Hahahaha! Very funny!
School mascot–how about a skunk? Skunks are not monogamous and the males leave their mate after mating with them.
Anything but the Cuckoo Bird!
Cuckold is a very cruel word that denies my plight!
Why does the betrayed husband get a new social title anyway. The offenders get titles, adulterer, adulteress, and mistress. I don’t know of an official social title for the unattached male that fucks someone’s wife, maybe OM, stud, but by what ever name it still retains man or masculine status but Cuckold does neither. Anyone know of a social status name for a betrayed wife besides woman scorned, at least she still has the title woman and viewed as a bad ass fighter. It’s just more gas lighting to shame the cuckold to keep his mouth shut in social circles. Sucks ass !!!
Sorry for the hijack. Medicine time!
The mascot should be a Unicorn named “fucktard”!
Also, I would be interested in a class which explores “Picking up the pieces of your broken home-Mending the broken hearts of the children and accepting your role as collateral damage”!
I like “The Fighting Unicorns.”
I also like the cheet’ ah for a school mascot. haha
Actually, there is a large public high school very near you, Chumplady, that has “Fighting Unicorns” as their official mascot, in New Braunfels, Texas.
You can buy school t-shirts here:
http://www.prepsportswear.com/school/us/Texas/New_Braunfels/New-Braunfels-High-School-Unicorns.aspx?schoolid=183822
The t-shirts seem a little bland. Maybe we could iron on our own logo. I recommend a mutlicorn over the unicorn. At least two prongs from the head, perhaps shaped like penises for the female students and shaped like mammary glands for the male students.
Boy, this is fun. Thanks, CL.
I literally just snorted my lunch out my nose reading this! HAAAhaaa! “Fucktard the Unicorn” Love it!
Will Pick-Me-Pick-Me dance classes be offered as part of the curriculum or as an elective?
That would have to be the “Don’t Pick Me” classes.
The “pick me” dance can be the first social event of the seminar.
That’s the dance were you will never get picked no matter how hard you tried and you go home and cry in your pillow cause the guys only wanted to dance with the slutty girls.
Grade 8 all over again except the guys are much more creepy and pathetic.
Where – dear God – I can spell 🙂
Or the mascot could be an amorphous, hairy Muppet Chump that gives underserving strangers tokens for our souls, random pies, unlimted text and data celphone plans, and toilet tissue printed with our financial particulars.
In all seriousness, your credentials are that you lived through shit, learned how to deal with it, and moved on quite successfully. Most people don’t have those credentials. For me, this was the first site, after searching through 3 years of sites, forums, blogs and therapists, that made cheaters out to be what they are – fucktards. You put my head back on straight and helped my build my confidence. Thank you for that.
Our culture makes cheaters the good guys (and girls). You, like logic dictates, find the opposite to be true and had the balls to write about it. Most others blame the one who was cheated on making them feel worse then they already do!
To start a movement, well – you need to step out on a ledge and start a movement! You’ve already done that with this site and as you can see by your followers, you probably could do a TedTalk and get recognized.
I say go for it, you might even change the world. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch…
Thanks Mel. I should announce this more broadly elsewhere — but folks, I DO now have an agent and I’m putting together another book proposal. So, there is some hope of a greater audience, larger platform in the future, oh and hell, maybe a TED talk. Who knows!
Yay!! KUDOS!
Good for you!! YAY!
You go, Chump Lady! This is really great!
I can totally see you on TED.
That’s fantastic! You’ll always have our support.
Actually, I just awarded myself a degree from the International Academy of Advancement of Chump Studies. That’s how it works, right? No need to go to Texas or sit through classes or pass tests, because, well, . . . Saying it makes it so! The degree? It was a Masters of Evanescent Humor (M.E.H.), if you’re wondering.
Other imaginary plaudits I just created and which you are free to acquire for yourself so long as you satisfy the imaginary criteria:
I am on the faculty of American Institute of Fabricated Credentials at the Harvard School of Medicine. Also the Yale School of Medicine. And the Medical School of the Moon.
I am Board Certified in Debunking Goofball Social Theories Spun By Francophone Sociopaths With Degrees In Expressive Art Therapy.
My public speaking clients include the United States Congress, the United Nations, and United Colors of Benetton.
I taught Chuck Norris karate.
I received critical acclaim for my TOAD Talk (like a TED Talk, but with less smugness and more warts), which went viral (I came down with the flu the week after my talk).
I invented the Internet.
I invented Al Gore.
I can simultaneously pat myself on the head and rub my belly in a circular motion. While being exuberantly defiant.
I received critical acclaim for my traveling performance-art production, “Fiona Price: I Know Better Than Everyone Else On the Internet”
I was raised in a community of Nobel Prize winners married to Tibetan Monks.
Voila! I’m an expert, too!!
BEST POST EVER!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!
Do you think you could recognize me with an honorary doctorate? I’ve always wanted one.
Well, you have to satisfy the imaginary criteria.
THERE! You just did it! You just earned your doctorate! The criteria was blinking!
THERE! You just earned another! Man, you are REALLY an expert!
Everyone here has already earned a PhD in the composition of unicorn feces.
You now have an Honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters, for superior blog posting, service to a crucial national community, and critical commentary on the propaganda of cheaters.
^^^^ not too shabby, eh?
Yeah…that’s impressive Nomar.
I’m also have many degrees. I’ve got this really cool new printer, it’s a degree printer.
I’m just about to get my King of the Universe degree from the Bernie Madoff Jail Cell Academy.
Where is the donate button?
“I taught Chuck Norris karate.”
LOL!!
You forgot that you grew up on street called “Chatsworth” because with a street name like that, you’re obviously smart and British.
How did you know? Also, I like French Fries, so I must have a degree from the Sorbonne!
nomar, you are awesome. That was hilarious. I love the TOAD talk!
I just reread your post and am still laughing. While we’re sharing our credentials, I actually got accepted the doctorate program in Home Management Skills (with a minor in Outdoor Aesthetics) at the University of Pinterest.
“into” the doctorate program… :S
University of Pinterest. Ha!
NOMAR, I LOVE YOU!
You hereby have the M.E.H. chair, for life.
Hahahahaha re: Fiona Price
I have successfully chortled Coke through my nose.
You win the internet. Seriously.
Could you offer a class in “Letting Go of Your Inner Doormat – How to Forever Remove the Footprints From Your Back and Stand Up for Yourself?”
I recommend Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing,” (with his permission) for our fight song.
I love that song! That was one of my “comeback” songs after the doormat got ripped right out from under me!
How about an elective in emotional exorcism of the cheater? All about detachment and NC strategies.
That’s a good one. I also liked “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson–“what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…”
Instead of academic advisors, students can have credentialed dating advisors (for those Chumps (hopefully) healed enough to move beyond cheater-induced implosion). Prospects will be rated, red flags identified, and students will be coached into improving their pickers. Credentials can be maintained by routinely seeding prospects with actual cheaters (or ex-spouses) and dating advisors have to find them and throw darts at their profile pictures (over barbecue).
I love it! But wow, real criteria to maintain credentials! Now we’re getting serious about this.
I am a newbie, and still waiting on my Chump of the Year Sash and Crown, however, I was wondering what Scholarship arrangements are available? Is this something that can be paid through alimony? And are my previous college credits transferable?
Of course! As the credentials are all spun from fluff, you can make up your own tuition currency too! Jellybeans? Tiddlywinks? Broken pencils?
Not only are your college credits transferable, they need never leave the comfort of home. Just make up some credits and claim them!
This made my day, the first course really hit home…when does he get his crap out of my garage anyway? Why should I care if he already has his new place (that is much bigger than mine) so hoarded up he can’t fit his last 20 years of hoarding in it?
I was working on my master’s degree when he decided he was so lonely, while I sat in the next room doing my homework, that he needed to meet up with an old girlfriend from a different country (seriously, I am in the next room and she is 3000 miles away!), buy a plane ticket, go to Miami to meet her and have a week long screw fest on a romantic cruise right before our 20 year anniversary. I guess I should have graduated from your school for chumps instead of getting my MLA (while dealing with my world falling apart at the same time, but I graduated!)
I put most of Jackass’s stuff in storage and paid for it. He picked it up but didn’t bother to tell me or send me the look or even fully clean it out and inquiry was met with hostility. Last month I dumped what fit in the car on his porch. The big stuff? The nice stuff is now in my office, serving as deluxe seating for the cats. The rest–Goodwill. He made a big fuss about “sending a truck” to pick up his things since he might turn into a stone if he looked at my face, but as usual, there is that big gap between what he says and what really happens. I know it was just more kibbling dispensing on my part, but I am so meh now I don’t even care if he gets kibbles from what I do. I live by my standards, not his.
I have thought about storage and I have offered to load his crap in my truck and take it to him(he just doesnt have room and he doesnt have the time), I am waiting for the divore decree to be finished so I have it in writing that it has to be out…then the Goodwill, firesale, garbage bags, street dumping, anyway to get it gone will commence!
Do I get an accreditation for the first course?
I made getting his stuff out of the house/garage easy for him. I called the OW and loaded it all into her hatchback. He then called me screaming that she had locked it in a storage facility and threatened to burn it all if he didn’t go through with the divorce. Not my circus, but I did feed the monkeys.
Feral, you deserve advanced credit for that one.
I gave away my Cheater’s good clothes to the charity bin at the grocery store. Then took all the useless crap in garbage bags and had it delivered to the reception desk at his office building. Then I called him and told him not to come home. OW emailed me and said I was mean. This is after discovering they had shacked up in MY house while I was on business trips.
I saw them comforting one another online, on his secret facebook page, everyone was so mean to them both, how could the world not understand what THEYwere going through? He seriously told me and people at church how he needed to help her with her kids. My kids and the pain they were going through…whatever I guess.
I let my STBX in the home for two years after I found out, just now made him go because I really can’t stand to be around him and he is abusive, like being married to a toddler with a bad temper. Anyway, as always, they are victims right?
Feral,
That is the funniest thing I have heard yet. I often fantasized about my husband moving in with his OW and hoarding up her place too, figured she deserved his crap more than me! But alas, she is out of the picture, divorced her spouse and moved on to another man I guess. His crap is still in my place awaiting the next move.
You passed with flying colors!
feral-hahahahahahahahahahahaa
I did still have to dig through the attic to find holiday decorations of his and bag up a stand of old video games that I had actually overlooked and he never did come get himself. You know, because I STOLE them. I also had to get a copy of the key made (bring the title and everything) for the car he was supposed to give back to me after the divorce was finalized, because he “lost” them. He treated that car like a garbage bin. I think it was a peach that had been in there so long that I swear it growled at me. So I had to walk 5 blocks to ExH’s and OW’s house, to clean out a car he trashed and “lost” the key to, while toting the video games I managed to ‘steal’ by leaving them where they were and not giving them to the ow with everything else because I overlooked them in my first packing spree. That’s right, while still married to me, he tried to buy a house with OW. His horrible credit saved me there. I was still cleaning when OW got home, took one look at what I was doing and walked inside to scream at ExH for not cleaning it like he said he would. Yep, there the whole time, watching me clean and cry in his driveway.
I may have lost some of the semester credits for still having to deal with a little of the “she stole my stuff” drama after divorce decree. (Even tho he DID technically sign the waiver saying he had EVERYTHING that was his already) Can I still get credit if I retake the “Staying Aware of Yourself and Your Situation During Trauma” prerequisite?
Oh my God. You need the Credit for Life Experience option, up to 60 credits. You can put together a portfolio that includes the rotten peach…or not….
Feral, ha ha ha ha ha!!! Well done!
Relevant
In 2005, a group of MIT graduate students decided to goof off in a very MIT graduate student way: They created a program called SCIgen that randomly generated fake scientific papers. Thanks to SCIgen, for the last several years, computer-written gobbledygook has been routinely published in scientific journals and conference proceedings.
http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2014/02/27/how_nonsense_papers_ended_up_in_respected_scientific_journals.html
LOL!!!
“According to Nature News, Cyril Labbé, a French computer scientist, recently informed Springer and the IEEE, two major scientific publishers, that between them, they had published more than 120 algorithmically-generated articles. In 2012, Labbé had told the IEEE of another batch of 85 fake articles. He’s been playing with SCIgen for a few years—in 2010 a fake researcher he created, Ike Antkare, briefly became the 21st most highly cited scientist in Google Scholar’s database.”
On a more serious note though, oh goodness. That’s not a good sign…
Google Alan Sokol for one of the most infamous academic troll publications. 🙂
Oh my god, Chumpster. I used to be a conference planner and in the weeks ahead of the conference the speakers and moderators would send me their papers and outlines which I had bound into a book for all attendees. The subject matter was over my head so if they had sent me one of those nonsense papers I would not have known any different!
I am applying for the Distance Education Program. I can earn my degree in the comfort of my own home, using the internet to access the Chump curriculum and interface with other student chumps. I have already put in many hours of reading and responding, and have completed field studies in chumpdom.
OMG, this is all so funny! I love it! I am laughing so hard right now! Need this!!!
In all seriousness, CL, you could totally do a TED talk.
Also, I have thought for a long time that you could start a non-profit for the purpose of holding conferences, establishing groups in cities and towns everywhere, providing resources for new chumps and promoting your message, books and other works.
I am imagining places, like a Chump Resource Center maybe, where people can go when they discover infidelity in their lives. There could be classes and support groups, info on good therapists, lawyers, daycare providers, available jobs in the community, available housing in the community, etc. There could be a network of emergency “safe houses” for chumps who are facing domestic violence. There could be a “crisis team” that meets with new chumps to help them understand what infidelity is really about. There could be a hotline and also chumps could arrange to have someone call them everyday and check on them.
If serious money could be raised, this organization could help chumps who qualify with some survival cash if needed.
There could be a vegetable garden and a food pantry, a library and a place to hang out.
Yes. CL needs to do a TED talk on infidelity. This whole shitty narrative of “toxic shame” that manipulative narcs use to keep the focus back on them is horrible. The social pressure to elevate the “wayward spouse” and blame the victim is horrible.
They’re abusers. They’re not victims.
Have a convention. I’m there. Would be glad to give a paper on Jackass as a case study.
Okay, but you have to make up your credentials.
Perfect!!! To begin with, considering there is such a large community of chumps, there should be a way for chumps to advertise their skills and seek work, more business etc within the community.
Seriously– Divorce Care was helpful, especially since there were other people in my group who had also been cheated on, but a Chump Lady sponsored class…? Hell, I’d get the training and lead a local chapter in my area if such a thing existed!
Something for the future, CL… once you’ve totally solidified your name…?
I’ll take it under advisement! I appreciate all the enthusiasm. I’m trying to impress publishers right now and do a site redesign, so a bit overcommitted at the moment. But it would be very cool to have a get-together conference thing. 🙂
TED: http://www.ted.com/about/conferences/speaking-at-ted
I’ve thought about a chump nonprofit group that could help raise funds for chumps that are in a bad financial situation and can’t afford to hire a lawer to divorce someone who’s abandoned them.
I like that idea.
My ex paid $5000 to a “publisher” to print his book about himself. I read her bio, and these are just a few of the claims she made:
She talks to dead people and animals.
She has angels guiding all of her business decisions.
She has a very special crystal that she is taking around the world to realign polarities.
She has helped “thousands” of businesses make more money by offering them advice given to her by angels.
She has THREE PhDs — one was in guitar playing, I forget the others.
She wrote the scores for three of Disney’s biggest animated films. Well, I went to imdb, looked up the three movies, and surprise surprise, no she didn’t. She’s not in the credits for anything.
There was a lot more that I’m forgetting now. I think it’s very common for narcs and other disordered folks to make up credentials entirely, or greatly exaggerate reality. They know that very few people will actually check further, and disordered aren’t afraid to lie anyway.
Oh lord, Is she an “empath” [sic] too?
>>is she an “empath” [sic] too?<<
Holy hell — it's as if you've met my ex.
“She talks to dead people and animals.”
Reminds me of that old joke, “That fella can talk to animals. They can’t understand what he’s sayin’, but he talks to ’em!”
She sounds like a perfect match for the dancing Sasquatch. She’s the same kinda crazy as him.
He’s a talk show host these days. Got his own crazytown talk show on YouTube. Plus the dancing Sasquatch has a new name and is an anti-bullying advocate now.
She claims she did the scores for 3 Disney movies? WTF? Considering that Alan Menken and Hans Zimmer have done almost every Disney score out there she’s really asking to get put on her ass. They are on the list of the top 10 most influential composers right along with John Williams. You don’t dare to mess around in their territory. Ask her to identify, or better yet, play something in alto clef. That’ll shut her up!
Wow, that’s weird. I was just posting something about Hans and John Williams down thread.
Insanity.
I think you should also run another course entitled:
Trust and Suck… A dialectical approach for determining the true meaning of those words and how combinations of suck and trust can determine your happiness.
How about an intensive seminar in “Developing a Pilot Program for Reconciliation”? Course description: This course explores how to develop a pilot program that tests the sincerity of attempts at reconciliation, including: requiring the cheater to take a 1-year lease on a cheap apartment; finding a therapist or marriage counselor who holds cheaters responsible; recognizing gaslighting, blameshifting, and other forms of cheater behavior; how to recognize Genuine Naugahyde Reconciliation; how to navigate the state child support system.
And “Case Studies in Gaslighting: A Socio-Linguistic Approach to Cheater Mindfuckery.” This course takes an interdisciplinary approach to identifying and interpreting “gaslighting,” particularly the language and behaviors used in the semiotic domain of “cheating.” Students as participant-observers will use the Universal Bullshit Translator, literary close reading, semantic analysis, hermeneutics, historical reconstruction, archival research and cultural memory to explore this important cultural phenomenon.
/applause
All that and hermeneutics, too? Girl crush on LaJ! 🙂
Someone speaking eloquently on behalf of fidelity in marriage/relationships would be a really good thing…and TED is the forum for it. It’s probably never been attempted because hey, it’s dullsville not to have dirty little secrets you don’t tell your spouse!
In the Word Salad Dialectics course, please include ‘it was a mistake’. Definition of mistake? – it’s an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc. When my STBX charmed ho-workers repeatedly into having sex with him for many years or booked prostitutes repeatedly for many years, he chose that action so there was no error on his part. He did calculate it and formed an opinion to do it. Yes, his judgement was poor but not because of reasoning, carelessness or insufficient knowledge. He knew exactly what he was doing and he understood the consequences. He chose not to use good judgement or reasoning. I’m sick of hearing it was a mistake…..now that he’s living the consequences.
Comedy gold!
There should also be a literary courses, like How to Journal Your Rage Creatively, Fairytales, Stories We Lived, Stories of Strength and Courage, and finally, Poetry Out of the Souls of Survivors.
bwa hah ahahah ahahah . catching my breath here…..
I learned a great German word that can most certainly be employed: (credit to aboutgerman.net)
das Backpfeifengesicht (-er) (trans: a face you dislike; a person you’d like to smash in the face; a face you want to punch/slap around, **a face badly in need of a fist***)
Backpfeifengesicht, wenn du glaubst, dass dich jemand mag, irrst du dich! (trans: Hey, Face I’d Like to Punch, if you think that someone likes you, you’re wrong!)
Backpfeifengesicht, mach dich vom Acker! Verstehst du mich nicht? (trans: Hey, Face I’d Like to Punch, get lost! Don’t you understand me? (song by Die Ärzte))
Chump nation can just go International, so easy!
Love it! Just tweeted that one to my SIL Susan (of Bitchslap fame).
I loved her article ‘Bitchslap Column 5: Women Beware Women’. I read it just after my D-Day. It helped to hear someone else put into words how awful the OW is. Especially since the OW met me and my son who was 7 months old at the time before deciding to have an affair with my then husband.
CL, your dog is so adorable! She could definitely help you advertise, hehe.
CL, if you’re looking for any adjunct profs, I would like to offer my intensive background and research into Ashley Madison. Perhaps we could offer an online course (very necessary to best understand the dynamics of AM); I will send you my course proposal for “The Cultural Impact of Ashley Madison on Monogamy.” Students will be required to create fake Ashley Madison accounts for better understanding of the narcissistic douchebag that is the special subset of cheater found on AM. The final project will entail outing the cheater in as many avenues as possible; How To Inform the Chump will be one of the many subtopics we will explore in this course.
p.s.– I totally want to sign up for your “meh” course. 😀
I want more degrees but I will need accommodations through your Disability and Support Services Office.
I will need emergency evacuation assistance in case my cheater X comes anywhere near me!
Let’s “class” it up, all! I vote for a series of charms for my bracelet. They can represent the following:
“Meh”
“Mighty”
“Strength”
Or, we can get class rings! 🙂
I would love a charm for my bracelet.
I am qualified to teach a seminar in Forensic Paleography. For those who need evidence of their partner’s infidelity, this course covers a variety of methods, including textual omission and deconstructive stylistics. Emphasis upon new media allows this course to have far-reaching applications in uncovering the tracks previously untrackable.
I swore to myself that once I finished got my Ph.D. I would never get terminally degreed again, but this seems like such a worth while degree. I know a lot of EMBA programs provide credit for work done in business and life experience.
So I was wondering how much credit will transfer in on: 1 long-distance, long-term affair with old college boyfriend; 1 short term affair with the neighbor (concurrent with long distance); trolling bars with divorced friends during reconciliation for exit affair partner; $30,000 in hidden credit card debt; two devastated children; and years of lying, gaslightinng etc.
I think life experience should cut of at least a couple semesters of course work. Also for our dissertations can we use our own experiences and how many academic sources are recommended?
Just wanted to see before I commit to entering your program as a Ph.D. candidate
Oh sure. The school of life is the only actual credential the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies recognizes.
I take it the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies Post Graduate Credential Program provides fully transferable School of Life and School of Hard Knocks credits too ?
Same here. With 3 PhD’s, a JD and MD, I thought I was done ,as well.
I have a certificate in poop scooping.
Today has been a productive day in acquiring credentials
I had lunch at a Greek restaurant and received an honorary degree in Greek History.
I took a selfie with my iPhone and am now much sought after photo journalist.
On my way to my car, I passed an art gallery ,and the owner of this prestigious art gallery rewarded me with the “Esther Perel” couples counselling certificate and a professorship tenure at NYU.
When I got to my office the producers at Ted Talks has asked me to guest lecturer.
Since , I am now a Greek historian, a photo journalist, and a tenured professor at NYU. I will title my lecture “Meat on a Stick “, and how souvlaki and infidelity are interconnected in an artful display of exuberant self actualization.
brilliant! Dr. P.F, may I introduce you to Dr. B.S.?
heh.
Hilarous!
Loved it P.F.
Chump University is proud to offer, “Social Media is Not Your Friend 101.” Lectures will cover topics such as: Facebook is evil; why internet stalking is a never a good idea; how instagram makes everyone’s life look more fun than yours; coping when the OW/OM is on tumblr; and can you really protect your kids from this crap.
I’ve awarded myself a Juris Doctorate, and will hang out my placard as a lawyer because I filed my divorce paperwork pro se. Brought that divorce into closing for a grand total of $235 in filing fees.
My resume credentials also now list “Reality TV Star” because my daughter filmed my first foray with the chainsaw I bought myself for Christmas 6 months after D-Day. Admittedly, it was pretty durn hysterical!
‘Rewriting the Marriage — A Historiography of Bullshit. “We were never happy.”’
There’s nothing quite like hearing that last little bit of gaslighting mindfuckery right at the end of 15 years’ worth of gaslighting mindfuckery. If I thought I’d lost my mind before hearing this, I’d certainly lost it afterwards.
I nominate Destroyer’s “A Dangerous Woman up to a Point” as the theme song, although it’s not much of a sing-a-long:
‘I can’t win
I can’t even walk
Baby, you should talk
Baby, you should hear what you’re saying
They said – “Don’t look back!” but I looked back
It was a bore
It was a fucking horror
It was – well, honey, you know quite well what you are
A Dangerous Woman Up To A Point once said –
“People come, and people go, and people lie nameless in the snow…”.
very funny, kendoll!
At this risk of ruining everybody’s fun (hiss, hiss, boo, boo!), I was thinking about how inflating qualifications is kind of the opposite of what two of my favorite film composers do:
John Williams (5 Oscars, 40+ nominations, etc). Here’s a quip from an interview in the The Guardian:
“When he [Steven Spielberg] showed me Schindler’s List,” says Williams, “I was so moved I could barely speak. I remember saying to him, ‘Steven, you need a better composer than I am to do this film”.
Not too long ago, a bunch of composers in a public forum were throwing out suggestions about who they thought should teach the next “Master Class” in film composition.
A bunch of people immediately suggested Hans Zimmer. He’s self-taught, one Oscar, 11 nominations, 2 Golden Globes, and 4 Grammy Awards. He has also built up a very successful production company.
Mr Zimmer immediately posted, “If you want somebody to teach a Master Class, you need somebody like John Williams … because I just make stuff up as I go, and I’ve just been around a while “.
I really admire these guys in a lot of way aside from their ability to compose music… if you know what I mean 😉
I can’t believe I”m defending Perel (I’m really not a fan of her theories), but her website lists her as an author, speaker, and therapist. That’s true. The faculty thing probably just means she taught a course in the past as an adjunct. That may be an exaggeration, but a lot of people don’t distinguish between being on the faculty and teaching classes.
Claiming her credentials are all fake is only going to backfire. Focus on the problems of her message.
You mean like how she claims to be a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, but the AFTA doesn’t recognizer her as a member?
Her husband is a member. And it gets weirder really, but why bother? I don’t see the point of the whole fictional and inflated and exaggerated resume. She wrote a book. A lot of people bought it. That’s all it sometimes takes to get a TED talk. What’s up with not mentioning things like her actual training: Masters in Art Therapy. Why is that one missing from most of the publicity, and other stuff that is questionable or provably not accurate listed? Hey, if she is out there doing drama and art therapy, that’s fine, but it’s certainly not the impression she is actively cultivating.
That doesn’t make you go, “hmm?”
Oh, and for the record, I got flashbacks of the Leonardo DiCaprio remake of “Catch Me If You Can” when checking out Nomar’s claims.
I deliberately set out to factcheck Nomar, and I walked away shaking my head.
I know! Like the Medical School of the Moon would ever accept him!
I personally think the Medical School of the Moon would be missing out on one of our great minds if they did not offer Nomar a full tuition scholarship to ensure his enrollment. Just sayin’. 🙂
I would be really careful, if it were me, to not give the impression on my website that I was an active “faculty” member of institutions that have no listing of me. (Columbia and NYU). Her husband is at Columbia.
You can download her CV off her site, and it doesn’t say faculty, it says “clinical instruction.”
IMO, it’s fluffing and allowing people to draw false conclusions about her credentials.
Which is never a problem when you’re accredited at the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies! The only requirement is that you be a chump.
I came across an orphaned entry for her related to NYU: a mailbox for Tisch Hospital, which incidentally has therapists (rehab type stuff) in recreational therapy including Art Therapy.
Coinkydink?
Coinkydink…I have a degree in that. It came in a cereal box along with a coupon for three to ride on a boat.
Check out my video on you tube…titled “I’m on a boat”
Diana,
Point well taken that the main critique of Mademoiselle Cheaterpants ought to be that her claims are wrong, stupid, and cruel. I believe that was kind of the point of the the two or three CL column that preceded today’s. I think the point of today’s post was to have fun, which mission I’d say was largely accomplished. So I don’t see the backfire problem of which you warn.
And while I’d agree that I might be focusing on a distinction most people don’t recognize (being on the faculty versus teaching a class or two over the last decade), that’s no reason to ignore it. After all, most of us here at CL are trying to draw attention to distinctions that have been traditionally glossed over. For example, the distinction between cheater and chump, the distinction between divorce due to infidelity due to divorce for other reasons, the distinction between true remorse and fake remorse, etc.
Diana, with all respect, (and I do see your point from a chumpy POV) speaking as a profession who actually has the credentials, and worked my bee-hind off, honestly, to attain them, it degrades my achievement –and everyone eles’s–when somebody like not-Dr. Esther La-Di-Da flounces around with fake-ish creds attached to her.
See Leslie Cohen Berlowitz, the (former!) head of the American Academy of Arts & Sciences who claimed all kinds of bullshit accomplishments & degrees–on Federal grants no less (!!). Eventually, she got caught, but after a decade of $600,000+ in salary. http://www.bostonglobe.com/2013/07/25/berlowitz/FmygIUuorBBKl95LwtcHML/story.html
It’s why narcissists *need* to get called out, every time. Otherwise they’ll take all the pieces on the game board–they have no shame, and really, they will. No decency at all.
When I was finishing my Ph.D., I did adjunct work at my university but certainly did not imply on my CV that I was “faculty.” I would say, “Adjunct instructor.”
She was one nasty piece of shit.
I’m not okay. I’m in an industry that will FIRE YOUR ASS for lying on your resume. It’s fraud. She’s passing herself off as a therapist of all things. It’s like finding out you took financial advice from the clerk at the Shell station.
CL, I don’t know how you feel about public speaking, but I think there would definitely be people who would pay to see you give a speech. You could also get on the radio, etc. A TED talk would be great, although I’m not sure how you break into that field.
It’s not hard to get into a TEDx talk, they are independent and are all over the place. Much harder to get into the large official TED event. But she can start withe smaller ones and work up.
CL: here’s the app. Let us know what we can do:
http://www.ted.com/about/conferences/speaking-at-ted
Apparently, you can nominate people to do a TED talk. So chumps, if you want to nominate me — http://www.ted.com/nominate/speaker
🙂
I think it’s a FAAAABULOUS idea!! 😀
I nominate CL for Ted Talk!!!
Done. Consider yourself officially nominated. There is a required field to enter a phone number to contact you. I put “unknown” and that seemed to work, it submitted just fine.
I nominated you!
As you are well on your way to fame and fortune, I would like to take this opportunity to offer my services as your Executive Assistant. Even though I really am not a fan of Texas (that’s an understatement), I would be willing to move there (shudder) for you. 😉
And your nomination from The Netherlands is in! International acclaim awaits!
I would prostitute myself for the $5000 to get to MEH.
I would have too. But instead we can meet at Primanti’s dahntahn and have a sammitch with cole slaw and fries on it,
Oh! Maybe I could get a stipend for teaching a session in Single Parenthood 101 and Advanced Single Parenthood Economics. I’ve been doing it for 20 years and have 18 to go!
I ventured out on my lunch hour earlier today in order to get myself some lofty credentials, as I was feeling kinda uneducated and lacking in resources.
I strolled over to the bookstore and read the backs and inside cover pages of some self-help and psychology books. I conferred a Masters in Self and Others Therapy and I am now prepared to teach a class entitled, “Chumps are from Heaven and Cheaters are From Hell – How to Navigate and Extricate Yourself From The Opposing Values Relationship.”
I passed a bank and looked in the window, at which time I conferred a Masters in Marital Finance upon myself. I am now prepared to teach a certificate class in “Don’t Hire That Hit Man – Successful Strategies for Remaining Financially Solvent After Divorce Without Hiring Someone to Kill Your Spouse to Collect the Insurance Money.”
I hope these classes will be well-received at the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies.
That dog looks rabid, CL. Get some clothes on it.
If a dog could be a chump, it would be that dog.
Given that we don’t need any qualifications, I would have a go at teaching a semester of “How to Become a Poor Source of Narcissistic Supply”.
No qualifications; plenty of experience.
Chump Lady, It really isn’t a kooky idea at all. I think that you would go very well on the speaking circuit particularly with your particular brand of humor.
I’m another chump who thinks she would be absolutely fabulous! More than that, she has a very important message that needs to get out.
CL is a true public servant, Esther is just another run-of-the-mill opportunist.
CL, you write a TED talk. You practice it A LOT. You record it and send it to TED. YOU CAN DO IT! http://www.ted.com/about/conferences/speaking-at-ted
CL, can I get a BS, not Bachelors of Science, Bachelors of (Bull) Shit! Think I’m an expert now! Have heard more BS in the last year than in the previous 58 years!
Ok, the Word Salad Dialectics was one of the keenest, snarkiest things I’ve read in ages. Touché!
Nominated you for a TED talk.
Takes about 3 minutes.
GO CHUMP NATION!
We’re your peeps, CL…
I went to the Northern European Cultural Center (aka IKEA) and went through all the educational displays of community living , organization, and economic domestic arrangements, studied the wall photo displays, and sampled the cuisine… Surely that gives me some curriculum expertise , along with my no-longer-as-useful Masters of Library and Information Science degree, to instruct a course in reorganizing your daily living after downsizing your household?
(Honorary) Doctor Doop would like to be the first to officially welcome your new agent to the nation that has arisen through your efforts and honesty. We might be a bunch of
wise-asses, but as Helen Reddy said, ours is wisdom born of pain.
I just hope you explained to your new agent that you are kind of a package deal…there appears to be but one Chump Lady with the curly hair…yet she really has hundreds standing around and behind her, cheering her on. Thank you, and GOOOO CL!
I’m up for flying to where ever you give your TED talk to be in your audience. I will be genuinely animated, too.
I might not be ‘fluent in nine languages’ like Esther, but plan to take up your class in Cheaterese… Like Latin, only to interpret and understand a foreign and distant culture.
On a more serious note, if you ever need a translation to Dutch (your Ted talk transcript?!), I’d be happy to help you reach a larger audience. Many Dutch people understand English, but language can still form a barrier.
Thanks Dutch-chump! Hey, are you the person translating my blog into Dutch everyday? Or someone is. I get like 7-9 google translate hits a day from the Netherlands. 🙂
Ha! My translation skills surpass Google’s! But that’s a good indication there are Dutch people out there reading your – probably horribly translated – blog posts. Why am I not surprised?!
I’ve got students running their college compositions through Google translator, which may explain my massive headache.
You guys are all so talented! I award you all honorary doctorates from the International Academy for the Advancement of Chump Studies!
I would like to volunteer my services at this prestigious accredited university and conduct a short lecture series entitled, “How to turn Vomit into Victory”. Lectures would touch upon these critical areas:
“You aren’t having a heart attack, that’s Hyperventilation!”
“Walking Dead: You too can learn to function without sleeping for days”
“Family Implosion: Turn a negative into a positive Game of Thrones Style”
“How to look your best when all you want to do is hug the porcelain”
I am uniquely qualified with many credentials. I have a PhD (Puking heavily Daily) and am certified in several key areas: Cell Phone Sleuthing, Internet Password Cracking, Facial Expression De-Coding
Thank you for your consideration.
WTH is a “TED talk”?