Dear Chump Lady, Did you take the drugs? Did they help?

Dearest Chump Lady,

I need your help.

First a little background….

I found out 2.5 years ago that my husband of 32 years had a lifetime girlfriend. I felt like someone was sucking out my guts with a vacuum. But I crawled to the phone and booked a marriage counseling appointment for both of us. With eyes wide open, I caught him in a lie within 2 days of that, and took to my couch or 4 days and 4 nights without sleeping or blinking. I got up and booked another appointment. Later that week, I caught him in another lie, and another, and another and another. I will spare you the song, because you already all know the lyrics, and after 7.5 months of his shit, I filed for divorce. Not easy, as we had an extraordinary life and were blessed with 4 daughters all in their 20s.

My ex-husband is the CEO of a major hospital that you know by name. The divorce involved lots of cash, lots more women coming forward, and lots of drama. (Main mistress was a married subordinate and was subpoenaed.) ExH got to keep his job, and the board worked overtime to keep it out of the press because, hey, that new heart center isn’t going to pay for itself. They wanted it kept quiet, and it was. (The “Smiths” had grown apart…) Although I wanted to explode on the news with the info, I buttoned it and for me and my kids’ sake. I instead took the very large monthly payment for the next 12 years and pray nightly that Karma will take the wheel on my behalf. (Btw, she hasn’t yet.)

All this is to say, I’ve been through some really, really dark days with all this, and I refused to take any drugs. It made no sense to me that I would mess my brain up because of an asshole’s fuckedupedness. No way. So I forged through without an aspirin or a Zoloft.

But here I am today. There is still drama with the hospital, the mistress, our daughters not wanting to see him, etc. and now we have our own first daughter getting married in November. She is having a traditional Catholic Mass, much like the one we had 32 years ago….

I am starting to lose it. The unity candle, the vows, the music, the dresses, the whole thing has me back on the couch staring into space. I am totally non-functioning thinking about our vows, and how seriously I took them at 23 years old, and how my sociopathic husband never did for one minute. Shit!! There’s not that many promises to remember! It’s basically be nice, and don’t screw around. I am so pissed, and so sad, and overwhelmed, and I am trying so hard to be “on” for my daughter. I am still not at meh, and spiraling down over this one day.

I ask you….
Should I start a drug? Will it help? Will it make me more nuts? Will I be able to feel the joy of the day for her? Will it hopefully prevent me from the godforsaken ugly cry during their vows? Will I get fat? Will I turn into a vegetable? Will I wish I had taken it sooner? Will I want to commit suicide when I get off it? Will I ever get off it? Is one name brand better than another? Can I drink on it without getting hammered? Will it stop the never-ending desire to punish him for what he did to me? Will it temporarily help, and then when I get off it, I’ll have to deal with everything all over again? Will I be going through life floating with cotton in my head?

I don’t want to hear anything from the doctors; I want to hear from you whom have walked this walk. Those of you who took (are taking) an antidepressant….did it help or hurt you? Did you hate it or you couldn’t have gotten through without it? I kind of feel like I got this far unaided….what’s a day in November? But, oh, the pain of planning your daughter’s wedding alone. Now is the time? Or keep fighting through it?

Thank you so very much!

Unmarried Mary

Dear Unmarried Mary,

You’re birthing a new life and it hurts like a motherfucker. You can do cleansing breathes, and Lamaze your way naturally through the contractions, or you can get a full spinal block and not feel your nether regions tear to shreds. It’s your choice. It’s not a contest. The new life comes either way.

You had four kids, run with my metaphor… For some people (agents of Satan), it’s a one-two push, no less painful than a bowel movement, and they zip up their skinny jeans the next day. For other people, it’s a high risk, three-day induction, and the new life comes backasswards and they go home with a catheter. (Ask me how I know…)

When it comes to pain and resiliency, we are not all created equal. If you feel like anti-depressants would help you, by all means, talk to a doctor and try it out. No one should judge you (isn’t half the world on Prozac?) and don’t judge yourself so harshly.

Look, you might get fat and feel like a suicidal vegetable without anti-depressants. Talk to a medical professional and weigh the risks and benefits. I can’t see the harm in trying it.  Last I heard, anti-depressants aren’t addictive. (Xanax is apparently, so you might want to think about that one carefully, but it’s an anti-anxiety med.)

I’m throwing this out to the chump collective. I didn’t take any kind of meds during my ordeal. But I didn’t lose a 32-year marriage either. What helped me to stave off depression was:

  • Reaching out to friends and family and not allowing myself to be isolated.
  • Working a steady job with deadlines that kept me focused.
  • Exercise.
  • Doing the daily work of being a single parent; I couldn’t afford the funk.
  • Sleep.

That isn’t to say I didn’t suffer PTSD — oh, I broke out in rashes, ground my teeth, had horrible nightmares, intrusive violent thoughts, nausea. I just didn’t take anti-depressants for it. In my case, I wasn’t against it, but I felt like I needed to feel everything in order to escape the marriage, if that makes any sense. I didn’t want to numb myself into a place of acceptance where I could live with the pain of living with him. I needed that agony to drive me to safety.

Here’s what’s different in your story — you got the divorce, you got the great settlement, you have ARRIVED at safety and this shit is still kicking your ass. So absolutely look at what else you can do.

Funny thing is often when we get to safety, when we battle through the divorce, and arrive at the other side, THEN we break down. Then the grief hits. When you’re fleeing, you can’t really process everything. You need some time and distance to do that.

And what you’re grieving is huge. Your entire marriage was a lie and he’s a fraud. It’s no surprise your daughter’s wedding would stir up your feelings. A) You have to see the idiot and B) What could be more triggery than a marriage?

How hard to celebrate a marriage when you are grieving a marriage. I wish I could give you comfort. The only thing I can say is not everyone is a sociopath. I’m not being flippant — seriously, it’s a disordered minority of freaks who can conduct a double life for 32 years. You didn’t have a run of the mill cheater — you had a freak. They exist, but they are not the norm. Chances are your daughter is marrying a truly nice man whom she loves and it will be a happy day, a solid marriage, and will result in lovely grandchildren down the line. (win! win!) All things to look forward to when you’re feeling up to it.

Your experience isn’t going to be her experience. But your strength — the way you navigated yourself through this shit storm with dignity — will model good things to all of your daughters, married, single, or divorced some day themselves. So what if you navigate this shit storm with Lexapro or Wellbutrin? More power to you.

You’re still mighty, Mary — with or without medication.

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lale
lale
9 years ago

“Here’s what’s different in your story — you got the divorce, you got the great settlement, you have ARRIVED at safety and this shit is still kicking your ass.”
This is key – I tried for years to get over everything on my own, without medication. I refused to take anything while I was pregnant. After I had my son, I was functioning, so I thought I must not be “that” depressed.

I finally hit a wall where I realized I was just NOT getting over it. 4 years and way too much sleeping later I went to a psychiatrist and she said I should try one, give it at least 6 weeks, and see if it helped. Why not. So I did, and I’m Sooooo glad. It didn’t magically make me forget everything, I don’t always feel like I’m walking on sunshine, it just literally got me over that hill of not being able to stop thinking about it.

Before I kept thinking if I could just exercise, and get out of the house, and eat better, that I’d be fine. The thing is I had no energy to do those things, I just wanted to lay around and be sad. The medicine gave me more energy to start to do those things. It “helped me help myself”, if you will.

I drink 2 or 3 glasses of wine on the weekends, and it doesn’t affect me much. I actually have way less desire to drink anymore really.

I’m a big fan of anti-depressants. I could kick myself for not sticking with them earlier (I tried one about 15 years ago but didn’t think I needed it and it made me nauseous so I quit after a couple of weeks). I say try and see. It won’t hurt and it could be exactly what you need to keep moving forward.

Marie2
Marie2
9 years ago
Reply to  lale

lale:

What medication did you try if you feel comfortable posting? I am curious since it sounds like it made a huge difference for you and I get the question a lot about which ones to try over others, and I don’t really know what to tell people. I have heard stories like yours where it was like a night-and-day experience. Bruce Springsteen said that when he finally went on medication, he felt it right away and could not believe the change was that dramatic. He said that his energy soared and his depression lifted. Glad that you found relief!

fiddlefancier
fiddlefancier
9 years ago
Reply to  Marie2

Marie2,
Our family had some trauma that we couldn’t shake. We tried LENS therapy. It worked amazingly well for me, not so well for my son. Hopefully this will help. LENS is more mainstream than you might think. You might even try both. http://www.site.ochslabs.com/#!find-a-provider/cgvz

lale
lale
9 years ago
Reply to  Marie2

I don’t mind at all Marie2 – the one I tried a long time ago was Cymbalta, it made me too sick to eat so I stopped taking it. Then this time I tried Fetzima (it’s new and very similar to Cymbalta). The psychiatrist actually suggested Cymbalta first, which made me feel better that of all the anti-D’s available, when told my concerns, both doctors I went to (15 years apart and in different cities) recommended the same one.

The first couple of weeks I did have some dizziness. I made sure to eat first then take the medicine. When that went away is about when I started feeling better.

Like I said, it wasn’t anything magical, I think I was really close to getting over the hump anyway – just for a very long time, I couldn’t and I definitely did with the medication. I told my dr., it may even have been psychosomatic, but whatever it was I’m glad I tried it.

I think what works for you varies a lot between people. My mom used Wellbutrin a long time ago and had tried several others, that was the only one that worked for her. I’ve heard a lot of people recommend that one too.

lale
lale
9 years ago
Reply to  lale

*oops, Cymbalta was actually 10 years ago, in my early 20’s.

Champ Not Chump!
Champ Not Chump!
9 years ago

Dear Mary,

My heart aches for you and for your loss. I haven’t been in your exact shoes, but I did lose a husband to cancer, and I know how grief can take over your every moment, and what it feels like to wake up almost happy for a new day, then to think, “Oh yeah, that happened, didn’t it,” and go right back to the funk.

I’d lost a lot of weight and was nearly sleepless during his illness, and one of the first things I did was to get a full physical. Must be SOP for the newly widowed to be prescribed anti-depressants, because the doc wrote out a script for Prozac without even asking if I wanted or needed it. So I took them for about 3 days. And ended up racing to the bathroom multiple times a night because, oh hey, it can actually make IBS worse. Doc switched me to Elavil, which works differently. Tried that for another 3 days until I realized that I felt horrible because I didn’t care about anything. No energy. All I wanted to do was sleep.

So against all advise, I bought another house. We lived in a large house on an acreage, and I was going to have to go back to work full time (with young children to also care for), so to me it made sense to downsize to a manageable property. The new house needed a lot of updating, and I also hired a contractor to put on a fairly large addition. I peeled wallpaper and painted while blasting Celine Dion and wiping tears, but it made me happy to be DOING something and getting the tears out was therapeutic. I actually laughed while picking out new wallpaper (don’t hate, it was the 90’s!), thinking no one could tell me I couldn’t have flowers all over my walls if that’s what I wanted!

Ended up never living in that house, as I got a job offer out of state. I even lost a bit of money when I sold it, but it was the best therapy I could have asked for, and worth every dime I lost. It made me feel engaged in life again, and I felt like I was doing something worthwhile.

Point is… yes, lean on your friends and family. Feel the pain, it’s okay. You just went through hell, and no one goes through that and doesn’t get hurt. Try anti-depressants if you want to, it’s not a lifelong commitment if you don’t feel better.

Do something for you. What makes you feel good? Get rid of or put away all the things that remind you daily of the life you no longer have. Wedding pictures? Attic. The crap he didn’t take? Get rid of it. Hell, burn it if you want! Is the house a constant reminder of what you lost? Sell it and buy yourself a place that makes you giggle with delight. Take up a new hobby. Do something that you find exciting, gets you off of the sofa and involves meeting new people. Take some time and imagine the person you wish you were, and take steps toward her life. If it helps to think this way, then do it because you are going to show that gigantic asshole that your life is far better without him in it. Show him what thriving looks like!

Sure you’re going to see him at the wedding. Be so damn mighty that he’ll be too intimidated to get anywhere near you. Laugh, smile, be merry, and fake it if you have to. He doesn’t and never did, deserve you. Show that to the world.

Hugs and mighty good wishes going your way!

Ashley
Ashley
9 years ago

Mary,
I’m sending you big hugs. I did the medication route. I was on lexapro first at 10mg then 20mg. I started the meds about 6 months in and got off them in April of this year about 18 months of taking them. For me, it helped to numb everything. By everything, I do t just mean the pain of my ex douchebag’s actions, but even happy stuff too. I was pretty mellow on them. Going off them was a bitch. It felt like I was drunk and discombobulated for about a week. I had tried stopping the 10mg on my own and it was awful. I lasted 4 days. That’s when it was upped to 20mg. When I when off the 20 mg I was dating someone and I timed it to us spending a weekend together having sex….natural serotonin…. The withdrawal wasn’t nearly as bad because of the sex. I firmly believe that guy, also now an ex, was brought into my life to get me off the meds. It he difficult part of getting off them was having emotion return. I had the highs of happiness and the lows of sadness. It was weird because I hadn’t felt anything for a year
The most helpful thing was finding an awesome counselor who doesn’t stand for bullshit and can help you of that. The first counselor wanted me to be friends with my cheater ex, accept what my faults were in the marriage (I forgot to remind exH he wanted a glass of wine, he lead a double life….we both messed up) it’s crap! The second counselor helped me see that with my faults they did not equate the pile of steaming shit I was served.
The other big thing for me was EMDR therapy. I did 2 sessions and while draining emotionally on the day they occurred, the next day I felt so much lighter and happier.
I gained weight on the lexapro. I, not sure how much of the weight gain was because of the meds and how much because I was in a full blown depressive state and ate like crap. Whatever you decide, make sure your team of doctors is on your side backing YOU and not the crap of ” both people were to blame”
Wishing I could,d help you more!!

Marie2
Marie2
9 years ago

Unmarried Mary:

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I agree that at least seeing a doctor would be a good start. You can always cancel the appointment or get a Rx and not fill it.

I did not take any medication but I walked and sat outside as much as I could, alone, so that I could cry and not have to explain or discuss stuff with people. It saved me. It made me tired so that I could sleep and it felt good to be outside and in some cool air. I went through tons of shoes by wearing out their soles and dropped 3 jeans sizes which was nice, too. I also stayed away from toxic people as much as I could because I didn’t want to go off on them. My situation was not nearly anything like yours but I am just thinking about what helped me the most. More than a hobby or medication or conversations, I found that I desired walking. It was like I looked forward to moving and getting outside and I missed it when I didn’t do it. What I noticed was that it was just an escape from depressing thoughts but it was also a mood stabilizer and energizer plus it boosted my metabolism and helped me sleep. It felt like I was getting more of a benefit than from just suppressing depressing thoughts. I also took a vitamin B supplement which was told helps with depression. I also looked at my day in only a couple of hours at a time so that I could focus. I tried to stay away from thinking about next week or next month, etc. Just dealt with half a day or less at a time in my brain. Turned my cell phone off as much as I could if I needed to focus and not get interrupted, etc.

One thing that my sister does which might be something to try is that she doesn’t take any medication except on the morning of a day when she knows it will be stressful. Her daughter recently got married and she took something for anxiety (have no idea which medication) on the day that she met her future son-in-law’s family, on the day that she went with her daughter to try on wedding gowns, on the day of the rehearsal dinner, and on the day of the wedding.

I mention this because that could be an option for you if you do not want to take something daily and you want to take something to prevent being triggered on difficult days. My sister chose this route for her daughter’s wedding because previously, she would take something for anxiety on days that she would have to fly or on one day a year when she had to make a speech. It helped her to deal with those stressful days so she decided to do it for her daughter’s wedding days. I don’t know if that is a solution for you but it made sense to my sister to recognize the trigger days and just deal with those.

I am not sure what the answer is for you but I do think that making an appointment couldn’t hurt. You could also check out some medications online to see if there would be some that you would not consider trying or some that you might want to discuss with your doctor. That way, if you do get a Rx from the doctor, you won’t get home and realize that it is for a med. that you don’t want to take. The other thing to think about with some medications is that there may be a while before you will notice the affect. Some are noticed more quickly and some take longer to see that there is a difference. Tapering off a medication is also important if you go on one; and then, after your daughter’s wedding, decide to discontinue it.

Being comfortable with your choice is key. Take your peace and take some time to read the comments from others and to think about what looks right and what doesn’t look right for you. I think that the answer will reveal itself. You can always change your mind a bunch of times before you decide on what you want to do. Give yourself tons of grace now. It is a whirlwind that you just came out of and you are thinking about being the mom of your bride which is enough to cause confusion and grief. Whatever you can do to take care of yourself and not apologize for it is great. Self care of any kind that is healthy and that you enjoy really can lift a mood. Your daughter will also understand if you have bad days and you don’t have to feel like you need to be super strong everyday, all the time. Just do the best that you can and don’t lie on the couch not being able to sleep or not think about the past. Get moving or get your mind on something else if you can. It helps to get out of the fog.

Kelli
Kelli
9 years ago

I started taking Wellbutrin for depression after my 2nd miscarriage. It helped me through a child in the NICU for 84 days, it helped me get through the post-partum depression after my second child was born 10 months after the first (with a Mirena), and it is actively helping me through learning that I was married to a sociopath for 5 years.

I’ve tried most of the SSRIs. They just numbed me. Wellbutrin is like sunshine in pill form for me. No numbing, just a little extra pep in my step.

suddenly single
suddenly single
9 years ago

Six months on Paxil with Xanax prn. Got one refill of the Xanax. Was in talk therapy for those 6 months. Was able to have a glass of wine or 2 without falling down, though it is not recommended. Chumplady is right about getting a routine to anchor your day. Don’t forget to breathe. It won’t be like this forever.

MFIM
MFIM
9 years ago

Mary, my story is different too, turns out my husband had a girlfriend while I was planning our daughters wedding. He went AWOL at the reception, yup. I spent the whole night alone, turns out he was so drunk he doesn’t remember a thing, wow. He’ll never get that night back. Funny thing was we both agreed not too drink too much so we could keep an eye on our guests and make sure everyone got home safely. When I found out about his girlfriend 9 months later I was in total shock! We had a catholic wedding 29 years before, I was also widowed 3 yrs before that, I was 26 at the time. We have two grown children. I couldn’t eat, sleep, lost weight and cried for three months. So I called my dr, he put me on lexapro 10mg, first time I took it I felt dizzy and had a headache, so I called the pharmacy to see if I can take it at night. The side effects stopped and I sleep better. It’s not magic but I was able to get my shit together and crawl out of bed. Started exercising again and I have my emotions better controlled, although, not always. I say it can’t hurt, might get you over the hump. Whatever you decide, sending you hugs and blessings in cyberspace!

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

Well, I don’t think anybody is going to tell you this stuff is easy, especially after 32 years. There’s the grief–for your marriage, who you thought you were, who you thought he was, and what you thought your family was– and there’s the trauma (betrayal, lies, gaslighting, and lack of apparent empathy from somebody you trusted), so it’s a lot to take in, that’s for sure.

But remember you aren’t alone. Millions of people go through it every year, and who knows how many are going through it right now? Lots.

And I totally get resolving to go through this without drugs, and then wondering if you can pull it off. I did the same thing. I said, “No way I am taking drugs to numb this down. I am going to get through this, and I am going to become more resilient from having done it”. “No pain, no gain”, I said. And then I really, really wondered if I could pull it off there for a few months, and I didn’t have 32 years of habit to recondition or a daughter having a wedding thrown into the mix.

All I can say is that it helps if you have folks you can reach out to even if it’s just by phone, and it really helps in the long term if you can find something new to do that becomes a new routine as others have pointed out.

There’s no shame either way. This crap is hard.

Char
Char
9 years ago

Mary,
I can imagine what you are feeling throughout all of this. My douchy ex lived a double life for about 6 years with another teacher and I was as blindsided and devastated as you after realizing that my 25 year marriage meant everything to me (I got married at 24 – and like you – I meant the vows when I said them) and nothing to him.

I struggled with the idea of medicating. I wondered if it would help me in those darkest days, but like Chump Lady – a part of me believed I needed to feel every moment of the truth in this shit storm I was in so that I’d never make the same mistake about someone again. I spoke with two or three friends who had all lost husbands either to divorce or death and who had gone on anti-depressants, and they swore by them. But……they also were STILL on them years afterward. Not addicted really, but I wondered if they’d become a crutch of some sort to just keep life from becoming too real again. They all talked about how the drugs took the edge of pain off – kind of “flattened” your mood. You were never low….but nor were you ever really high, either. At the end of the day – I decided to experience every miserable low and hope the highs found their way back because I’d rather feel than not. And I didn’t want to be on these things 10 years later just to keep me level. But that was a personal decision. If you cannot bear another moment of extreme hurt – maybe “level” would not be a bad thing.

One thing – you said that you have been waiting for Karma to take the wheel and thus far – nothing. I disagree. Your daughters attitudes towards their sad excuse for a father is step one in karmic planning. Let me ask you – is your daughter planning to invite him to the wedding? Is she delighting in having him walk her down the aisle? God I hope not – what a cursed omen to put on a new life together if she has a man with NO respect for marriage or vows lead her down to that alter.

If she is refusing to have him involved – for God’s sake take that as a beautiful karmic repercussion and don’t worry about what people say or – worse – what HE is feeling because of it. It’s her wedding. You are her parent – the good one who believed in family and marriage. YOU walk her down that aisle! And if you still feel you need to invite him because of social mores or niceties or whatever bullshit is used to excuse assholes and allow them to still participate in functions – put him at the “singles/kiddie” table far at the back. Though if I were you and your daughter agrees – I’d forbid his even attending and have a burly groomsman on guard duty to keep him away. He lost his privileges to attend social and family functions the minute he stepped out on you. He walked away from his family. Let him feel what life is like without it. Maybe he can get on anti-depression drugs instead! 🙂

He’s a narcissist with money – mine was a narcissist who spent like we had money. There is no harm or shame or cruelty to cut a cancer like that out of your family life. Don’t invite him – don’t acknowledge him. And don’t let some Pollyanna type try to tell you that the “Godly thing” to do is forgive and be one big extended family. That’s bullshit of the first order. You can forgive without accepting him. My ex has nothing to do with any of my kids (their choice) or me and we feel like we have been breathing clean air for the first time in ages. That, Mary, is a little assist to Karma. Your ex spend 32 years building a reputation that pleased him – and that included all the trappings of wealth and a happy family life. Now he has no family. That’s karma – and more will come eventually. Because at the end of his miserable cankerous life – your ex will be alone with himself and have to face what all he’s done. It will come to him. I guarantee it.

PianoMom
PianoMom
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Thank you, Char, for articulating the truth! The choices these narcs make need to come back on their own heads. It is bullshit to “come together” at these weddings and family celebrations when the choices these bastards made were “anti-family” to begin with. Once they had family, then they chose to be with the whores, now they have no family.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

(Me on chair waving pom-poms and cheering!!) 😀

Yeah, Char!!!! AMEN & DOUBLE AMEN!!!! especially to:
“He lost his privileges to attend social and family functions the minute he stepped out on you. He walked away from his family. Let him feel what life is like without it. ”
and
“There is no harm or shame or cruelty to cut a cancer like that out of your family life. Don’t invite him – don’t acknowledge him. And don’t let some Pollyanna type try to tell you that the “Godly thing” to do is forgive and be one big extended family. That’s bullshit of the first order. ”

So eloquently put! I am keeping your comments in my “Forever” folder! What you just stated should be enforceable by the laws of the land, as it would protect so many innocent lives from being destroyed.

It is just common sense, but common sense is not so common any more, as all of us here at Chump Nation so well know!

Thank all of you for your loving support as we all ForgeOn!!

Another English Lady
Another English Lady
9 years ago

Mary

So sorry you are going through all of this. It is truly heartbreaking.
All I can say is that everyone is different and what suits one person does not suit another. I would talk to your doctor and explore the options. Some times it takes a while to find the one that suits you best, and the medications are not a quick fix – you have to give them time to work. Personally, I have found anti depressants work for me. They are not numbing at all and are certainly not ‘happy pills’, they just take the edge off the stomach churning anxiety, and help you to cope with the day to day. Think of them as a crutch to get you through this difficult time.
In any case, do speak to your doctor and don’t try to struggle alone.
You have made a great start contacting CL as there are so many wise words on these pages, as I have discovered since joining this ‘club’.
Good luck and take good care of yourself. Hugs.

Char
Char
9 years ago

I’d never thought of ourselves as a club – but I like that! Obviously – not a club we’d ever have sought membership in….but those who are here have been tempered by fire and come through stronger. It’s the ultimate initiation, but once you are in – there is no better group to have your back!

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Thanks, Char. For some reason this really resonated today.

Mary, so sorry you’re part of this club, but Char is right.

32 years rings a bell with me since my cheating w and I had our 32nd anniversary a few months ago. Not much of a celebration for this one, to be sure. Lots of a lifetime, and it doesn’t fade to meh quickly. Hang in, please. You sound awfully mighty to me!

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Mary is mighty as are we all! I always love how some pop psychologists and well meaning friend types always expect a lifetime long relationship to just be brushed under the rug and forgotten instantly. It DOES take a long time to get to “meh.” I heard the rule of thumb that it’s 1 year for every 5 of marriage. Sounds about right. But we in Chump Nation are tough as nails and can do it. Mary’s story breaks my heart mainly because it’s another echo of all of ours. Seriously – why don’t these a-hole cheating spouses EVER get a different playbook? They all must be stamped out of the same shoddy material. Every story is a variation on the same behavioral theme.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Ugh, that’s for sure.

Another English Lady
Another English Lady
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Absolutely! I never thought I would be here, but in the circumstances there is nowhere better. Today’s post is so sad and I feel so desperately sorry for Mary, but other days , when I’m feeling really low and read some of the comments on here , they have me laughing out loud.
It’s a great place to be – supportive, understanding and fun too.
Thanks to all.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago

Mary, I found out in the past year since my D-Day that my ex, too, was conducting a double life. I agree with Chumplady that it’s only natural that this is kicking your ass. I have found that the things that have helped me the most are close friends (after realizing that some ‘friends’ were not truly my friends); family – keeping close with my grown children from my 1st marriage; therapy with a very good therapist; and reminding myself every day how very grateful I am that I dodged a bullet by this OW “stealing” from me a lifelong committed LIAR, whose narcissism and mental illness would have stolen my true authentic life from me, had I not found out about the double life.

Nonetheless, it is jarring and a year later I still wake up every morning asking “how did this happen to me? why didn’t I know?” the answer to the second question is that I was a good, trusting, generous person… I’ll run with that!

nicolette14
nicolette14
9 years ago

Mary, when I read your story my heart ached so badly for you…I am glad you were able to get a settlement, so financially you are ok, but I so understand the emotional turmoil. 32 years? WOW! no wonder you feel the way you feel….Its still a fresh wound and this pain will subside in time and as far as taking any medication, its a personal choice. I for one didn’t take anything and yes there were times I wanted to numb the pain, but mostly for the extreme anger/rage that I felt towards my cheater. Why don’t you give it a try for couple of weeks and see how you feel, if it works for you then you can be on it until you don’t need it anymore. I don’t know what else to say but stay strong, hang in there and I promise eventually it will get better with time…. Big hugs from me Mary!

Doop
Doop
9 years ago

Hi Mary, I’m sorry you’ve become a member of our club.

The short version of my story was I had three miscarriages, we’d moved on to fertility treatments, during the course of which (as I found out later) he “wasn’t feeling anything but didn’t want to cheat on me” so went to a body rub provider with whom he started a full on affair, which led to his rapid descent into alcoholism (which I knew about immediately). I asked him to leave home for a week to just figure out the drinking/what he wanted life to look like. Turns out he moved in with the Professional Masturbator. Cue the in and out of the home, pick me dancing, my hypervigilance, etc. Then he had to go to rehab. Then he relapsed, I sent him to his home state for a visit, during which he impregnated a 41 year old woman he had known for a matter of weeks. The child was born one week after the divorce was final and they used a name we had talked about.

During the season of miscarriages and fertility treatments, I was deeply sad but wanted to become pregnant, so avoided anti-depressants. During the rehab/reconciliation/living with and loving an active alcoholic, I also “wanted to feel everything” and supported myself with Al Anon meetings, talk therapy, exercise, good nutrition. I was exploring every crevice of my psyche. But, there was not a lot of sleep during those days. Then, when I found out about my husband’s baby, the groove of sadness became worn into my brain and I experienced thoughts that were on replay in my brain (“how could he? What about our vows? Where’s my baby?”) Around that time, my therapist asked if I ever thought of harming myself. I answered “never. But, I wouldn’t necessarily care if I did not wake up tomorrow.” …and that is when I went on Lexapro, an anti-depressant which has an anti-anxiety helper too.

All told, I was on the anti-depressant for a little over a year. I viewed it as a bridge to help me over the moat filled with snapping alligators and the scum who had destroyed my dreams. The seratonin filled in the groove of sadness and I am better today. It taught me what it feels like to feel unflappable, a feeling I had forgotten. It helped me survive a series of deeply traumatic events. I did gain a bit of weight, which was a bummer after the chump diet but it is coming off.

I can’t tell you what to do, but that is my experience. I tried both ways. And, I am here to tell you, however you get there, life will get better.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Precious Mary,
The Nation has once again risen to the occasion!! So much good information for you to meditate on.

I am still married to cheaterpants, (do not have the means to divorce) but have been separated for 1.5 yrs now. This year is 34 years of marriage for me, so I know the feeling of a long-tern marriage being shredded. And, our only child married right in the midst of the worst of the mess!! And the main OW was a family member!! And there have been many, many times through the years that I was depressed and/or suicidal. Have also dealt with long-term anxiety.

So, with a basic summary of some of my experiences in mind, here’s my thoughts:

I personally reject all pharmaceuticals and treat all of my issues naturally. I am so very much healthier, slimmer & younger-looking than a number of my friends of similar age, even younger, who chose the AMA route to deal with their situations. (That includes some who have experienced loss of long-term marriage & so on.) I firmly believe the main reason is because I avoid toxic pharmaceuticals. I also feel that keeping those substances out of my body allows my body to better deal with stress, as my organs and glands have not been damaged by drug side-effects.

When I refer to “Natural” treatments, that includes what several have mentioned already: Hobbies / time outdoors / meaningful friendships / refurbishing a house (Wow! That was awesome!) / meditation / etc.

Also, doing things that feed your soul such as writing & reading poetry, gardening (one of my personal favs), creating art and so on.

I also volunteer for a cause that means the world to me and that really changes my focus!

A therapy I started in January is biofeedback. I have commented on it here at CL several times already, as it has been of MAJOR benefit to me. The system that I receive my treatments with is called L.I.F.E. It has been life-changing for me, as it does what one really can not do on their own. You can research it a bit on-line.

Neuro-feedback is similar, but the differences are enough that it is called by a different name, but seems to me that either one would benefit you dramatically. And remember, dear Mary, none of these things are a ‘stand-alone’ therapy! Depending on your life-style habits (food / drink / activity level) adjustments to healthier choices works to boost the benefits.

There are many different natural supplements, treatments & products available now, so I recommend doing the research to see which things best match your symptoms as well as your budget. I also get chiropractic adjustments about twice a month. Key component of health care for me.

I realize my situation is NO WHERE near as bad as many of my fellow chumps and so I understand there are times meds are needed.

Forge on, Mary….ForgeOn, Nation….

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

PS: Should have made it clear that I am dramatically improved. Those issues are things I have treated successfully with natural methods and are, for the most part, behind me.

VERY mild depression occasionally / Mild anxiety only rarely / not suicidal for about 3 years now. And when I do feel down or a bit anxious, it is usually for a very real, normal and discernible reason

Therefore, my approach to my issues has work VERY well!

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

The drugs that are out there are used to treat clinical depression which is something completely different than being depressed over a traumatic life event. I wouldn’t put those things in my system, and risk doing more long-term harm than good, unless I felt like I was sinking into a clinical depression.

The sad truth is that there is no pill out there that is going to make any of this go away or even take the edge off. The only way to the other side is to go through it, and it sucks the whole way.

If you need something occasionally for anxiety, then ask for a prescription for Xanax. But depend on yourself and your faith in the future, not pills. A

Marci
Marci
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Mary,
I agree with ForgeOn. If at all possible, go without meds.
I have been through two divorces, first time from a 29 year marriage where I ignored the obvious evidence of affairs over the years. Why? Because he was a Fortune 500 exec making oodles, we had a great lifestyle, we bello ged to the best clubs, dinner parties and interesting friends galore, the kids were in good schools and doing well. I knew things behind the scenes in our marriage were drastically wrong – no sex life, no affection, I spent so many lonely hours being the good corporate wife. But silently I planned my jailbreak and took my leave at MY convenience, not his. Of course, like you, I was sickened by his not keeping his vows. Froghtened of losing my so-called social status. But none of it drove me to medicate myself, rather I exercised like mad and dreamed of my escape.

Second time around was a rebound relationship, lots of sparkles but no substance. He too was a scumbag philanderer and in the end nearly murdered me. That was the lowest point of my life — wondering how I could have traded my safe but sad life for a very dangerous one. Still, my reaction has been to soldier on, accept the lows and cry it out, but I am terrified of ever becoming dependent on meds. I now love a simple life, but I choose my genuine friends, seek out interesting people and experiences, and moved to a new country at 51. I would not go back to my NYC lifestyle ever, not knowing what peace I have now.

Meds may make you temporarily feel better, but is it not then another challenge to get off them? What are the health effects? I would think first trying talk therapy, good diet, and exercise are the best. Try to find an outlet for your anger and hurt that is cathartic. It’s a long hard road to meh, but you can do it. You will feel so liverwted when you do.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I want to add that the doctor understood that I just wanted the anti-depressant to provide temporary help, not become a long term part of my health regimen. Her guidance was I could start to wean off them after six months with no symptoms (symptoms being things like the inability to get off the couch, asking “why, why” over and over, etc.).
Please, everyone, take very good care of your mental health.

Tonya
Tonya
9 years ago

Mary, I did not go through the medication route because my kids were small and I was afraid I might not wake up if they needed me – my boy (so young then) is type 1 diabetic and I was afraid I would not hear if he had a hypo. But my attitude is whatever gets you through the night is alright. Wedding are so emotional and you are right to anticipate how it might affect you. Are there any mild tranquillisers you could take temporarily just to get you through? I believe in getting your anger out and not suppressing it but there are occasions when that’s not possible.

From reading your letter it struck me that your writing is very powerful and I wonder if long term, a creative writing course might be the thing to get it all out and channel your anger. I wish you well.

otos
otos
9 years ago

Hi Mary, There is a lot of great advice here. I’d suggest some frequent sessions with a really good therapist to do some role playing on how to deal with potential mine fields of the wedding day. I hope it ends up being a beautiful day for your daughter and you. Hugs

kb
kb
9 years ago

Hi Mary:

I’m so sorry that you are part of this club. 32 years is a long time to be married to someone who turned out to be a living lie. You were smart to divorce him. I’m glad that you got the great settlement. That his daughters don’t want anything to do with him shows the karma bus is on the way. It is very likely that they sensed something was up. And a life-long girlfriend? And others? What a sociopathic personality disorder!

What you didn’t mention was whether you’re currently in therapy. If not, you absolutely should be. You had 32 years of a mindfuck. Yes, there are good times you remember, but you also know there was one permanent Schmoopie and a whole train of others. That’s traumatic! What a huge breach of trust! You aren’t going to “get over it” simply by willing yourself to get stronger. You’re going to need some help.

That help can include drugs. As CL and others have said, it’s your choice. Talk with a health care professional about your options and goals. You might want something to take the edge off of the very high-stress occasions. You might want something to take on a regular basis until you’ve worked through the crap of having lived 32 years of your life with a sociopath.

Hugs to you for you are mighty! A lot of other people might have resigned themselves to the marriage, looking at their cozy income, their social standing, the trappings of material success. You chose to live authentically. That makes you mighty and awesome, and your daughters are lucky to have you as their mother.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago

Hi Mary,

I was almost 30 years in when my husband told me he wanted a divorce so he could pursue a relationship with his college girlfriend. My first visit was to my doctor who prescribed the minimum does of Lexapro. I had been having panic attacks prior to my ex’s confession so I must have realized that something was unbalanced in my life.

Anyway, the Lexapro has gotten me to a good state. I can actually be civil and friendly to my ex and I’m all there for my twenty-something daughters. I did see a marriage counselor who applauded my decision to take the Lexapro and eventually he told me that I was in a good place and didn’t need his services anymore (thank God, because I couldn’t afford it!) I’ve often thought about what it will be like when my girls marry so I can’t imagine having that day coming so soon while you are grieving.

Make an appointment with your doctor. There’s no harm in being the best you that you can be. I take the Lexapro at bedtime so there’s no nausea and it doesn’t make me foggy or dizzy.

Please know that we all are pushing our way through this same grief.

Hugs to you,

Monika
Monika
9 years ago

I know the topic is medication but I just wanted to throw in: CBT. My therapist has been a godsend. I’ve been on anti-anxiety meds and comparatively, therapy works better and it doesn’t have negative side effects. I can walk out of my therapists’s office and have an entirely different perspective on my problems, which is sowmthing you can’t really achieve on meds. The analogy I’ve always liked is that SSRIs are needed if one feels like being stuck in a swamp and your feet can’t move, and you can’t get out of the murky waters. But if you can slowly extract your body from the mud with the help of drugs, you’re on your way out and gradually, you’re making progress. That’s the point.
Here’s one tip on finding a therapist, for those who are interested in finding one: clinical psychologist is preferred to a social worker or god forbid marriage counsolor. It’s not so much the educational credentials, it’s their default place they work from. A marriage counselor will often approach it as a way to let you think what went wrong with the relationship and how you’ve contributed. A phd will simply tell you what’s wrong with the motherfucker and how to evaluate your picker. I prefer the latter.

Marci
Marci
9 years ago

Mary,
My thought about you is: what are you still so afraid of? Face it head on.

– You have your settlement
– You and the rest of the wedding guests know the whole gory story already
– Most if not all of the guests are very likely sympathetic with you
– your Ex is a complete fake/liar/whatever else, but you will no change that

– You are feeling sentimental, quite rightly
– Your vision of your daughter’s wedding is not turning out as you planned long ago
– You will have to face your Ex at the wedding
– You likely feel stress from the public humiliation you feel you’ve endured

If I were a wedding guest or family member, I would be wishing the very best for you, and admiring you for keeping it all together on the big day. Limit your face time with Bonzo. Plan breaks so you can disappear and have a sob in private if need be. Surround yourself with supportive friends who can usher you out quickly if you get overwhelmed.

Mary, at the end of the day, it’s about deciding to be there being joyful for your daughter. It’s her day, she is not a repeat of your life. Be optimistic for her and try for one day to not dwell on poor you. I personally would not recommend medication that you have not had experience with. We all react differently to things.

Your story is dramatic and so very sad. Don’t let it overshadow your daughter’s happiness.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
9 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Marci, you are spot on. Face it head on.

I just went through this with my daughter’s wedding last week. My particular trick was to wring out the tears ahead of time by listening to the wedding song playlist my daughter had selected until I was bone dry. Something about a good cry has always done a reset of something in my brain. Or maybe the threshold of the triggers gets reset higher. Anyway, I did great. Kept my poker face on and did not feign any emotions that I wasn’t feeling, like being happy to see the ex’s back stabbing sisters. Scorched earth divorces burn a lot of bridges also, and I just don’t care about these people anymore.

The ex was not so lucky. Always easily sentimental, nostalgic and quick to feel self pity, he never saw it coming. Here is the song my daughter picked out for the father/daughter dance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEF82S2bH6A Ah, she got him with that one. She grew up listening to that as we drove around the country from horse event to horse event as a young family. This was not how we envisioned her wedding being, and it’s all on him.

The Owife was there too, since the little half brother was ring bearer. She is an obnoxious, officious, brazen hussy who was constantly snapping at the ex and the kid. I had great heaps of Schadenfreude for dinner, and then cut myself some extra to have with the cake!

Marci
Marci
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

Ah, schadenfreude, my favourite dish!

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  Marci

I had me a heapin-helpin of schadenfreude just the other day. It’s exquisite!

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Einstein

And even better served cold!

Lizzie grace
Lizzie grace
9 years ago

Reaching out to my chump community… as I’m very upset this morning. Ex sent a scathing email last night saying he thinks I’ve got aspergers because he thinks I talk to much and don’t pick up on social cues. What the fuck? I spent the whole night tossing and turning wondering if there’s something wrong with me because I do: 1)talk a lot, but not obnoxiously and 2)I do have social anxiety and low self-esteem
So I take one of those Internet are you autistic tests and it shows I’ve got less than 10% of being one. But I don’t feel better. I feel like this asshole has a major way to get inside of my head and fuck with it because he knows I’m an extremely sensitive person and will take any of it to heart. He knows that if he gives enough factual information like that I am a little socially awkward then he can call me autistic and I will worry and drive myself crazy with worry. Why do I let this bother me anyone knows? Like I said it has enough impact on me that now I wonder if I am autistic because piece of shit serial cheater thinks so. Help.

GraceAnna
GraceAnna
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Lizzie, my ex said something similar! He suggested I might have autism/aspergers because of my social anxiety. He also had went to a therapist to see how we might both feel about ending this marriage and he told me the therapist suggested I had social anxiety and OCD and maybe something else that my ex couldn’t remember. I have felt for so long like something is wrong with me and suffered so much for it. MY therapist NEVER diagnosed me with autism or aspergers or the ‘something else’ that made me so unlovable and worth cheating on. She said I’m shy and introverted and there’s nothing wrong with that and someone else might love everything about me. It’s time we stopped suffering! Since when do our exes know anything about good mental health anyway?

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

W is incredibly adept at taking a tiny kernal of truth and growing it into an entire theme. She is very charming, articulate, and persuasive; and if one did not know the overall situation, it would seem like plain, unvarnished truth. I tend to take personal criticism a bit to heart so this is a very effective way to get me going down the path of, “Gee, maybe it really is my problem, not hers.”

I have to consciously fight this and not engage when this type of dialogue gets started. There is a certain malevolent genius in being able to do this form of manipulation. If you try to explain why they are wrong or exaggerating, you are immediately on the defensive and have conceded the premise. No possible way to win. Therapist has also helped me realize that “No, Chumpguy, you are OK; your wife is ill, she is most definitely not OK.”

Sounds like there is some of this going on with the tendency to talk a lot somehow morphing into you having Aspergers.

The crap they do…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Before my ex escalated to violence when he would make some comment meant to make me defend myself, criticize me or engage in a right/wrong “discussion”, I would say to him. “I’m not interested in discussing this and walk out of the room” calmly. If your cheater isn’t violent, this works.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

The mindfuckery!

Don’t engage. I still have the creep under the same roof for now. Those moments I slip and he gains access into my head are the times I lose ground.

Don’t engage.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I’m living with my STBX while the divorce countdown clock ticks. It helps when I see him as a housemate, a warm body who helps pay the mortgage. I know that he still thinks of me as his wife, i.e. the chief kibble dispenser in the form of chief cook and major domo. I tell myself that I know he’s lying when he opens his mouth. That said, he’s putting on a good show right now. I tell myself that I need to maintain my cool so that he can stay in his little fantasy world with Schmoopie. I tell myself that by maintaining my cool, he is free to try to show me what a nice guy he is–see how he put the garbage out?–and won’t I miss him when he’s gone.

He’s not love-bombing me, but he’s tried to be more helpful since I told him I was filing.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Dear Lizzie grace,

First, “DITTO” what the other chumps & CL commented to you.

Loose that email address, get a new one he doesn’t know about. My cheaterpants does not have my email & I will never give it to him. He is not savvy enough to search and find it, either.

You also claimed: “Because he has the ability to get into me in ways I can’t control… ”

My dear, I call BS on that statement! Yes, you can control!!! What?! Your e-mail does not have a “DELETE” or “SPAM” feature?! {Consider this a “B____ Slap” (lovingly applied!) in an attempt to wake you up & save your life!}

Take your power back, Woman! There are many resources on-line that can help you empower yourself! Check into Mindvalley, for instance. Also, Byron Katie. And read Dr. George Simon’s books, if you have not done so. His blog on his web-site, Manipulative People, is a must-read for all us chumps. (IMHO)

Also, some of the suggestions given to Mary may help you, as well…….

{{{{{{{BIG, BIG HUGS!!}}}}}}}

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Lizzie, your ex is a liar. Why do you think his email was the truth? I noticed with my ex that whatever he accused me of is what HE was doing. Is there any chance your ex has Aspergers?

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

They are so childish: “I know you are, but what am I?”

Lizzie grace
Lizzie grace
9 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

you mean he’s projecting? It crossed my mind. I always thought he was just a loner, with skewed worldviews and narrow interests and no friends… but somehow it was normal as he didn’t exhibit any off the charts behavior. I on other hand have always had booming social life and I work in sales- not exactly a career for someone with autism. So maybe he’s realizing he has it but wants me to have it? I don’t know. But in addition to being a social person I am also very very sensitive to comments and criticism so obviously he knows this would bother me. Which by the way no offense to anyone on here with aspergers. Bill gates has it and many wonderful people I know. The issue isn’t that its a horrible thing to have because it isn’t, the issue is why he would say it and why it bothers me:

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Everyone has given good advice, NC. Why can he get to you? Because you still care about him, you have not yet lost your respect for him, you need to get pissed off and realize he really is an asshole and his opinion will lose it’s impact. NC until you get there. Jedi hugs Lizzie grace!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

He is not competent to diagnose Asperger’s or other conditions on the autism scale. Or anything else. Why would he do this? He want to undermine your confidence, keep you low and unhappy. It bothers you because you care about what he thinks.
Put those two together: if you know he wants to hurt and undermine you, stop caring about what he thinks because 1) he’s trying to hurt you; 2) he’s an ignorant jackass; 3) he lies; and 4) you do not need your confidence and trust in yourself undermined.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Lizzie–Now that I’ve come clean to my family about STBX’s adultery, they’ve been wonderfully supportive. One thing they all say is that I am very much better than I have been in years–more confident, more focused–a lot like the kb of old. I’d lost that kb.

Here at Chump Nation, we’re always telling each other that part of losing the cheater is gaining a life. In many cases, that means reclaiming our awesome. You were a sales person. Sales people are confident, poised, and have wonderful social skills because you can’t make it in sales without social skills.

Your POS XH is flat-out jealous. He measures his success by your failure. That you can be better without him galls him. He is the one with the anxiety. He wants you to be worse off so that he feels he’s better.

Reclaim your life.

Go No Contact. Get the new email address. Send a note to the people on your contact list (and NOT X) that you now have a new email. Add X to your spam blocker, so he goes directly into your junk mail. You will experience some peace of mind.

And of course, if you feel insecure, remember that you lived with someone who excelled at mindfuckery. Maybe get some therapy to work through that. Especially you will want to work through the old habit of caring what he thinks. We Chumps are nice people who do give a damn about our fellow humans, and sick cheaters like your X will manipulate you.

Going NC means that you’ll care less about what he thinks. You’ll have more space to be you and to exercise your awesomeness. Then, when your paths to happen to cross, and he says something that’s clearly meant to make you feel small, you’ll recognize it for what it is and laugh at it.

He won’t know what hit him. 🙂

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Lizzie, NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC !!!!!!! Really. It helps tremendously. Don’t let him play games with your head. That’s what they do best.. MINDFUCKERY. He did that on purpose, hit you where he knew it would cause the exact reaction it did. You my dear are FINE. He is a mind fucking asshat. As the saying goes here on CL, let him hear crickets. I can tell you, it is driving my Stbx NUTS that have a permanent order of protection and he can’t fuck with me because he will go to JAIL. So you take control Lizzie. Don’t even open his emails.block him, change your email. Don’t let him have even one more second of your time, or space in your head. Begone MFPOS.

Hugs

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzie grace

Lizzie – why in God’s name are you giving ANY weight or creedence to that “piece of shit?” You are taking tests and jumping to his mindfuckery in even considering this! He is PLAYING you!! Ignore him and go NC! You are letting him control you.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Yes, you need to be no contact with this person. You can always get an email account dedicated only to necessary contact re: the kids and get a third party to screen (unbeknownst to your X).

Lizzie grace
Lizzie grace
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Because he has the ability to get into me in ways I can’t control… Yes, I’ve spent half the night taking aspergers tests online trying to figure out if he’s right. What’s wrong with me?

samiam
samiam
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Lizzie, he’s gaslighting you. Go NC and stay NC.

Don’t give him space in your head. Not kidding.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Hi, Mary, so sorry you’re having to experience all of this — and glad you’re here with us.

The advice everyone is giving is fantastic and I’m sure will give you much food for thought. Here are my own feelings about using meds to get through. I’m no expert, but I’m a woman whose been anxious and depressed most of my life and have been on many meds for many years.

First, anti-depressants do seem to affect people differently. They generally do make me gain considerable weight. If you are prone to weight gain and nervous about that, you’ll need to be extra vigilant about eating healthy and moving your body more. The exception to that is Wellbutrin, which is not an SSRI, but can cause some people to have a little anxiety.

After many, many years of what I consider weight gaining anti-depressants, I am now on a high dose of Wellbutrin. I could not afford to get any fatter!

When I do have a really awful day or simply cannot sleep due to intrusive thoughts, I have a small prescription for anti-anxiety meds, which work beautifully AND are highly addictive. My prescription is for 15 pills a month (Lorazepam) and if I’m lucky I’m only using half that to get by. (I only get the 15 pill limit because I have a history of suicide attempts and this is what they felt safe in giving me.)

Keep in mind that all the anti-depressant drugs need time to work, sometimes up to two months time! So you may have a rough period in the beginning with them. And, depending on how long you’re on them and how high the dose is, you must wean yourself off of them to avoid feeling very uncomfortable. So that would take time as well. Be aware of that so that you’re not feeling dizzy or out of sorts due to the medication while at your daughter’s wedding.

Do consider asking for a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication, but be aware that they are addictive so tell yourself they are to be used for a “break glass in case of emergency” situation.

For me, more than any medication, physical activity has been what gets me through. In my most painful time I began to swim at my local pool and even though I was fat and out of shape, I swam for 1.5 hours a day. Thanks to my efforts and the Cheaters Diet I am now 70 pounds lighter and doing everything I can to not gain it back. (It’s hard!)

The bottom line is this is your personal decision and no one should judge you on your choice. You need to do what you must to get through the next few months. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Heather
Heather
9 years ago

Oh please be kind to yourself and talk to your doctor about medication. I was married a month less than 33 years. That was three years ago. I’ve since remarried a man who is so kind and cares about me! I have been in counseling for the last year and a half. I had been on meds and feeling much better. Thought I could go off of them. Big mistake! Back on them now and am grateful for my counselor who told me that I needed them.

I had four children and ALWAYS tell women not to be martyrs in childbirth, but to take the drugs! I saw the same thing now. They are there to ease your transitions in life. There isn’t anything wrong with responsibly taking medication.

You are facing a difficult time, Mary. Again, be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

lale
lale
9 years ago
Reply to  Heather

“I had four children and ALWAYS tell women not to be martyrs in childbirth, but to take the drugs!”
Amen to that.

Cletus
Cletus
9 years ago

I have been on Prozac for years, and it definitely helped me get through the trauma. I am a believer in these meds, and there is no shame in taking them. I would also advise, like many have already, talk therapy…I think this is simply a must…You have to express yourself to a neutral party and gain insight into what has happened to you. My STBXW only lived a double life with multiple partners for 5 of our 10 year marriage and the trauma has been unbearable, I can’t imagine 32 years. Please talk to someone at the bear minimum. It will help…I promise! Also, continue to read here as it is empowering, and kind of fun, to see just how unoriginal and similar all cheaters are, which helps you understand how you had nothing to do with their behavior!

young
young
9 years ago

Mary,

After D-Day, I was emotionally devastated. What kept me from just staying in my bed with the curtains drawn was that I had two young DCs to take care of and a job to go to, so I had no choice but to get up and somehow function throughout the day, though I understand you might not have those responsibilities. Although I was emotionally in a lot of pain, I think what kept me from being clinically depressed was that I was fighting–first, I was fighting and giving it all to save my marriage, and, then, I was fighting to ensure custody of my kids. (My XH didn’t have a strong case for primary physical custody, but he made multiple threats, over months, of taking the kids from me.)

It took almost a year after I filed for custody to be settled. At first I was elated and relieved, but I noticed after a few weeks that I became to feel sort of down and empty, especially during the weekends my XH had the kids. I also felt down because of how someone I considered a close friend was treating me–implying that I caused my XH’s infidelity. (Funny, when I was doing the pick-me-dance, she was very supportive and tried to help me find ways I could be a “better” wife, but when I decided to leave him, she started to criticize me for not owning my role in the breakdown of my marriage and for being “judgmental” of her lifestyle (a never-married, childless woman in her 40s who seems to have a lot of “hook-ups”). She had been complaining to me about how she was unhappy in her love life, and I merely suggested to her that maybe she shouldn’t have sex people you have met only once or twice, but I digress.) I realized had to go NC with this friend and had to truly rebuild my life.

I know this sounds cliched, but, looking back during, most of my life, I think I let myself be mistreated by XH, ex-ILs and my friend and others because I truly didn’t love myself. I’ve recently read “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” and started reading “Love Yourself and Let the Other Person Have It Your Way,” which have helped me get out of my funk. If anyone has any other tips or books to read, please let me know!

You say: “Although I wanted to explode on the news with the info, I buttoned it and for me and my kids’ sake.” Perhaps keeping the truth inside you and bottling up your feelings are contributing to your depression. I think what also helped me–and I’m usually a pretty private, reserved person–is that I told people what was going in my life (except for some people at work, because I didn’t want to be treated differently by my supervisors, but I will probably tell at some point), when they asked. I just felt like I needed to be authentic, and I would sometimes cry when people would innocently ask me “How are you doing?” or “Where is XH?” Also, I just couldn’t fake that everything was fine. And telling other people helps you get the emotional support you need and feel like you’re not alone. Even hearing someone say that her sister went through something similar and is glad to be rid of her X, or that her husband’s dad also abandoned his kids for an affair and the kids turned out okay, helped me a lot.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

Mary, years ago a psychologist diagnosed me with “something” and I tried two different drugs that work on on the spectrum of depression and anxiety. I say “something” because I came to discover that I had been in a state of depression for as long as I could remember, even back into childhood. The anxiety was more situation. I tried one drug that literally made me insane–I couldn’t stop crying. The next drug, Desyrel (trazodone), changed my life. I was on it for 6 months and it literally raised my level of emotional functioning out of a seemingly ingrained depressed state. I took it for 6 months, saw the world go from black and white to technicolor, went off of it, and didn’t need it again. I have a friend who has done Prozac off and on and seems to get help from that, too.

The first thing I would say is find a doctor who is skilled in matching your emotional situation and a medication. I was very fortunate to have a doctor who didn’t just write “Prozac” for every patient. You can also ask for a drug that isn’t addictive and has minimal side effects. To that end, you should look for the very best therapist, who may be a medical doctor or may be a psychologist who can guide you through the referral process. Talk therapy is no fast and easy cure-all, and you can read here about how many chumps have been abused first by a cheater and second by a quack “counselor.” But–a good therapist is a priceless addition to your recovery team as you reconstruct not just your day-to-day life but your understanding of the past 32 years. I’m nearly 63 and to find out your whole adult life has been lived with a liar and a con man (or as CL calls him, a freak) is highly disorienting. On top of the cheating and the divorce, you had this most personal experience exposed to others, not of your own volition. So it’s no surprise that you are having some issues with PTSD, depression and spiraling downward over planning a wedding. You haven’t recovered yet. And that is just where you are right now. I look forward to my sessions with my therapist even now (having arrived at meh on Tuesday) but she helped me through the terrible pain and the loss. She also encourages me to rebuild other relationships and figure out who I am and what makes me happy.

For me as a reader, the most poignant words in your moving letter are “we had an extraordinary life.” Think what those words say–for you, as part of that marriage, “you had an extraordinary life”; for your con artist, freak cheater, he had a double extraordinary life, and not in a good way. Your task now is to get to the point where you can say that YOU NOW have an extraordinary life that is authentic and joyful, that includes your memories of that cherished marriage, the experience of betrayal but is not controlled by those experiences. I didn’t use drugs to get to that point myself, but I did use:

In addition to therapy, I did a LOT of exercise and used the initial betrayal weight loss to get me to a healthy goal weight. I got strong and fit. I changed my diet to get rid of foods that I used in place of drugs to medicate myself. You have a few months to use exercise to get yourself feeling as good physically as you can. And a good friend divorced from a cheater found an absolutely beautiful and stunning gown to wear to the wedding. She found that dress was a real boost to her confidence. So perhaps the wedding can provide a framework for getting your full. glowing confidence as a woman back. With all that has happened to you, and now a wedding to plan, I wonder how much attention you have paid to you. That’s the gift of betrayal, in a way: it’s a chance to refocus your attention and your energy on you, who you are, what you want to be.

And finally, I think the karma bus had definitely rolled over your X. It might not seem so, but because he is still employed in the wonderful job, he can pay you the “very large monthly payment.” While you have lost a great deal, you have been given the resources you need not only to survive, but to build a new life. Meanwhile, he is dealing with a mistress, lots of drama, and a professional life full of people who know he’s a liar and an asshole. His daughters know he’s a liar and a cheat who broke up their family. It doesn’t matter how much money he makes, how great his vacations are, what kind of cars he owns, or how sparkly his mistress. He’s a hollow freak who will never know what he threw away, who will never be able to give the love to ANYONE that you gave him and your children. You’ve made it this far. Now this wedding gives you a chance to start building your awesome life that is not measured by money or things, but by authenticity, love and service to others.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

“hollow freak”, thank you, yes that says it all.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Very well said LovedaJackass. I know what said he will help her. I agree.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

Sorry for the sentence fragment–I was interrupted in the middle of writing and lost track of where I was.

tryinghard
tryinghard
9 years ago

Mary

ChumpLady gave you great, brilliant advice. I hope you listen to her. I can’t add anymore to it. I do know about meds.

OK I didn’t want to take meds either. I wanted to feel the pain and the grief. I’ve never abused drugs and can count on one hand how many times I smoked pot! I don’t even drink that much. I took 5 mill of WellButrin and 5 mill of Clonazapan (ugh spelling?). Before I found my psychiatrist I had some Xanax and was popping them like TicTacs. The anxiety was out of this world. I would go to bed at night and felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I felt like I was running a marathon in my bed. It was awful. So I amped up the Xanax. Xanax is for temporary anxiety like if you’re scared to fly, take a Xanax. The relief is immediate but so is the let down so you have to keep taking it.

When I finally got on on the Clonazapan is when I finally evened out. Yes I drank but not much. The Clonazapan was the best thing I did. I was up and down and it kept me even.

Look Mary you have a big event coming up and you can’t be an emotional buffoon!! Take the drug it will help. Also when I went off the drugs after about a year, it was very easy with no side effects at all. No your head won’t feel like it’s filled with cotton.

Do it. You’ll know when you need to get off it.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  tryinghard

Tryinghard, I’m glad you didn’t have a problem going off anti-anxiety meds but I fear that might be rare. In my experience in the past, using them daily, going off of them proved to be quite a challenge with many, many withdrawal symptoms. I do have a prescription for Klonopin (Lorazepam) now, but I do not take very many of them per month.

“Anti-anxiety medications including popular benzodiazepines such as Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, and Ativan are meant for short-term use. However, many people take anti-anxiety drugs for long periods of time. This is risky because, when taken regularly, benzodiazepines quickly lead to physical dependence.” http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_medication_drugs_treatment.htm

This is not to say that anti-anxiety drugs aren’t exactly what Mary needs to get through her daughter’s wedding (I think they would be helpful for her), but she must be very aware of their addiction potential and use them wisely.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Benzos are highly physically addictive, I found that out the hard way, if you take Xanax or atavan, any benzo, never take it more than a day or two in a row or you will have withdrawals. This ain’t about will power or being an addict. Use benzos with care. Xanax really helps me but I have to be very careful how I use it.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Me too, Datdamwuf. I probably use three pills a month! I have been through the withdrawal from benzo thing before and it’s awful! None of my doctors told me about the withdrawal part. Geez.

tryinghard
tryinghard
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Moving Liquid

I agree a lot of people have a hard time getting off them. I think had I stayed on Xanax that would have been the case.

I went off them over a period of time. Last thing I needed was a crash so I took about 3 weeks to ween myself off them. Also I was on a very low dose.

I’m glad to took them though rather than the up and down of Xanax and I found relief from all the anxiety and it’s many forms within around a week of taking the drug. I don’t think WellButrin is a big deal at all.

I think if you go into using a meds like these with the idea that it’s temporary getting off them is pretty easy but I’ve never had a problem with addiction except for coffee and chocolate 🙂

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  tryinghard

This discussion is why I think the first, necessary step is a thorough evaluation but someone skilled at diagnosis and matching meds to the patient.

StayPuft
StayPuft
9 years ago

I didn’t take any medication, but I did go into therapy almost immediately (for the first time). I opened up to friends and family and made sure to build in down time if I needed it. I spent a lot of time trying to help my body relax by taking baths and drinking teas to help me sleep. Did a lot of walking. And the most important thing I did was listen to what I needed. If I needed to stay home and cry for a day, I didn’t fight that. If I needed to go sit in the shower and sob to get it all out for an hour, I did that. I always, always, always felt better afterwards.

I also buried myself in work when I just didn’t feel like I wanted to have to process anything. That also helped a ton.

After about 6 months, I stopped crying everyday. After about a year, I stopped waking up thinking about him first thing. Now I think about him maybe once or twice a day. (I’m about 14 months past DDay now). Mostly I just worry about myself and I don’t give him the mental space.

I stayed in therapy for about 14 months (just ended it less than a month ago because I moved for a new job). I think therapy, coupled with the stuff above, really saved me. I have a job where I can’t be zonked out, so I feared medication. I’m glad I never went on it, but that’s a personal choice.

It’s a LONG and hard road to get past the initial pain of this. Your reality has been shattered and you don’t bounce back from that. I’m still not dating or anything, but I know to give myself time. It requires a lot of patience and kindness towards yourself. And you have to accept that it’s just unfair (unfortunately).

Best of luck to you.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago

Unmarried,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s a pain like no other and it’s not going away anytime soon. The life you thought you had was a fraud and you will need therapy. Lots of it. But know this, you will get through it and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I too was married for a long time (21 years) and he was having affairs off and on during that time. Almost two years ago, he left me for the high school slut he knew. A woman (if you can call her that) he always made fun of because she had so many guys. Talk about me feeling insecure and worthless. But, then again, if he left me for a pretty model I still would feel the same. It’s a no win situation. He divorced me for her and people keep telling me to stop being bitter. I have the right to be bitter and you do too! We had a business together that I put a lot of work into and a home. Does he care? No. He left it all behind. We don’t have any children so I’m lucky concerning that. I still suffer from depression even though I take Zoloft. It’s only 25 mg. so I assume I don’t have enough in my system. I guess I should increase it. I read somewhere that for every 5 years you were married, it will take one year of grieving. But, I do think it’s different for everyone and that’s probably just an average. No matter what we say here, you will still hurt. But, Chump Lady and Chump Nation can help you along the way. Everyone here cares and are suffing too. You can talk to any of them anytime.

samiam
samiam
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

I started with 25, went up to 50 then down to 25 and finally off completely. The 50 helped during the worst of dealing with my cheating lying crapweasle. Give 50 a try. That actually is the recommended dose as far as I know.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

I will Samiam. Thanks!

samiam
samiam
9 years ago

Frankly, I resisted meds for year. I have PTSD and chronic anxiety. I finally tried zoloft and it was a miracle. I took it for about 18 months. I was worried that if I stopped taking things would go back to the way they were. Well, I’m off zoloft now and everything is great. I think it helped reset my brain.

Try it. If it works, great. If not, try something else. In the short term it can help you navigate the craziness.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

I agree with the “reset.” That is what my psychologist said desyrel did–reset my brain. Whatever–it was a miracle, for sure.

samiam
samiam
9 years ago

p.s. meds can’t do it all. Exercise, talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are good things to do in addition to meds.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

Exercise is the best and cheapest anti-depressant. I also think diet is important, especially eating fruits and veggies rather than processed food.

NM Chump
NM Chump
9 years ago

A big thing that helped me deal with my divorce was a divorce support group. I don’t think I could have survived without it. It was good to talk to others who were going thru the same thing I was. They were more sympathetic than my friends and family could ever be. And incredibly supportive because they had all been thru something similar. They became friends who I could call anytime night or day when something would happen to set me off. The one I went to was Divorce Care which is a national program and is Christian-based (you can google them to find one in your area). I am sure there are other ones also.

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
9 years ago
Reply to  NM Chump

Yes! I forgot to mention this in my comment. My DivorceCare group has been incredibly helpful.

Sunny
Sunny
9 years ago

Nobody’s mentioned this yet, so I’ll throw it out there for consideration – valerian capsules. It’s an herbal product available at your grocery store. It’s subtle – it just subtracts anxiety. It may not be strong enough for what you’re going through now though. I still use it, especially when I know I’m going to have a difficult day. Sending you big hugs… I was once a good little innocent Catholic wife too. Naively believed it would be forever. But you can do this. There’s an ass-kicking superhero in there. I know it. 🙂

samiam
samiam
9 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

Yes, valerian (which is horribly stinky) and St. John’s Wort can help some people.

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  samiam

So can taking care of yourself in general. Just keeping yourself physically well is SO important to the emotional healing.

The only pharmaceutical I would recommend would be something to help you sleep. It’s crucial to get good rest, and sleeping isn’t something that comes easy during this kind of trauma.

And support groups like this one, which allow you to validate, vent, heal and GROW.

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
9 years ago

Unmarried Mary, I was married for 25 years before the wheels fell off. I understand what it’s like to realize that the person you thought you married doesn’t really exist. For me, meds have been a lifesaver. Truly. I was on anti-depressants during the marriage because he became emotionally abusive. If not for my kids and my meds I may have committed suicide. After the divorce, I went off medication because I figured I was so much happier and I wouldn’t need them any more. After a year or so, I realized that, for me, antidepressants are a permanent thing. Yes, I can drink while taking them. No, I don’t feel disconnected from my emotions.

I’d strongly suggest going to an excellent doctor (I’m sure you have connections) and trying something. For some people 12-18 months of AD combined with talk therapy fixes the problem and they go on to have a perfectly happy, medication-free life. For other people, the stress causes a permanent chemical imbalance in the brain and they need medication for a lifetime.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

“I’d strongly suggest going to an excellent doctor (I’m sure you have connections) and trying something. For some people 12-18 months of AD combined with talk therapy fixes the problem and they go on to have a perfectly happy, medication-free life. For other people, the stress causes a permanent chemical imbalance in the brain and they need medication for a lifetime.” All true and very well said.

vre
vre
9 years ago

I got some benefit from taking Lexapro for about 4 months. It definitely took a while to take effect, and I had enough side effects (digestive problems) that were I to do it again, I’d ask for a different drug.

I tapered off it when I had some traveling to do, and didn’t want to deal with the side effects. You definitely don’t want to just stop taking one of those. When I stepped the dose down from 100% to 75%, I got the first and only migraine I’ve ever had in my life. I maintained the mood improvement, so I’d have to call it a success.

If the problem you’re having is more one of thoughts racing than depression per se, you might consider an anti-anxiety drug. It’s true that it’s fairly easy to develop a dependency on them. My doctor gave me a Xanax prescription, and explained that if I only made occasional use of it, I wouldn’t build up a dependency. What worked for me was to take it only as needed, in the evening before trying to go to sleep. I could get a good night’s sleep that I otherwise wouldn’t, and the residual calming effect would help me get through the following day.

Mel
Mel
9 years ago

All great advice and Mary, your story is my story only it was a funeral, not a marriage. I too was married to the CEO of his own very large company and the divorce was a nightmare. Two months after the divorce was final, his brother and business partner dropped dead of a heart attack. His brother had also divorced his wife at the same time we got divorced. They used the same divorce attorney, how cozy. I was faced with a funeral and facing the entire family who had dumped me after 24 years of marriage, 3 children and knowing them since I was 13. They had once been my family too. My nerves were raw.

I freaked about the funeral. I would look bad whether I went or not. My sister in law, a physician, strongly suggested I take Xanax. Like you, I am drug phobic. No way, no how. So I took 1/2 of a pill (lowest dose) a few days before the funeral at my daughters softball game, knowing I would see the entire family. I got through the game with a smile on my face. No one there mattered, I was stress free. I was meh…

So I did it again at the funeral. I took 1/2 a pill. I hugged the OW! I smiled, I walked up to family members as though they were my best friends! I have no idea how the drug works and I have never taken it again. But I got through the funeral with ease and grace. It was almost enjoyable, without sounding trite.

In hindsight, I wish I had taken something to help me get through. I had a small nervous breakdown due to stress and lack of sleep. It was a very dark period in my life that I think medication would have helped me process in less time. I will never know because I didn’t do it. I don’t condone drugs and think they are a major crutch in our society. But divorce is tragic and hard to deal with for us “normal” folk. If you aren’t addictive, maybe you could talk to a trusted person and see what may help you get through the wedding with some possibility of enjoying the day.

Good luck, sending kind thoughts:)

young
young
9 years ago
Reply to  Mel

Mel, just wondering: Why did you feel like you needed to go to your ex-BIL’s funeral? Why not go NC with your ex-ILs, too? If you felt it was important for your children to attend the funeral, perhaps someone else could have taken them?

Mel
Mel
9 years ago
Reply to  young

Hi young, Good question. I struggled with it for a long time. I went for my kids and my niece and nephew. I am very close to my SIL and we both just got divorced from as$#ole brothers who wanted to run off into a field of daisies holding their girlfriends hands. Not really, that’s my image. Theirs is a bj in a 4-star hotel room. I digress… I was there for my SIL and family. Quite honestly, staying calm and showing up boosted my ego.

lovehonorcherish
lovehonorcherish
9 years ago

Hello Mary. First I would like to say I’m sorry you have had to go through this experience but I am glad you found CL and what is sure to be some good advice. My doc pushed and pushed for me to start Celexa for anxiety. I hated it. I felt dull, fuzzy and a little off. What works much better for me is a healthy diet and exercise–dance class, walking the dogs, yard work, housekeeping–anything that expends my nervous energy! I try to keep my mind occupied and I have a friend or two on speed dial when I am feeling especially emotional and on edge. I also post here on a near daily basis as well as in the general forum when I need to vent. Try different things until you find what works best for you! And remember…if you decide to try medication and absolutely hate it then your doc can taper you off.

Martha
Martha
9 years ago

Mary,
I had so much success with a therapeutic process called EMDR. The experience of discovering your marriage was a big lie is traumatic and EMDR helps address this trauma and other traumas that may of occurred in your life. It can help eliminate the sensitivity and or reactions to the triggers that “take you off your feet and onto the couch” EMDR and No Contact are powerful tools. These things are worth trying before you mess with you brain chemistry.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I third EMDR, wish I could afford to go back, cannot afford

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I love EMDR and find it very useful.

SAchump
SAchump
9 years ago

Mary, thank you for sharing. I was waiting for this post because I wanted to know what all chumps were doing to get to the other side. I went a little overboard and did everything EXCEPT the drugs. I didn´t have the time or money for it and I was sort of scared of them (my two daughters were born natural childbirth with no drugs..I used hypnosis and waterbirthing..fabulous) but I did the talk therapy with anyone who would listen to me (including random people at a bank, taxi, supermarket) and it was amazing how much great advice or just sharing similar stories people have to offer. It really helped me a lot! I also did a 10 week internet therapy for victims of narcissistic abuse which was awesome (I still do it when I feel a bit down). It sounds a bit new agey, but the meditation part and consciousness clearing has an incredible physical impact as well. You go back through your whole life and do mental cleaning and shifting until you don´t feel the pain anymore and you begin to realize that the “experience” of being married to a narc had the purpose of you learnng about your self and beginning to love yourself again. It opens you up and enlightens you.

I have also done pilates, yoga, running, biking, weight lifting, etc…all which have proven effects similar to what drugs do but without the negative consequences. Journaling and meditation have also helped me a lot and I joined an online community called entheos.com which has great programs for self improvement which I listen to all the time and have been very helpful.

I changed my diet so that I don´t eat any processed foods or animal products and this has radically helped my physical body but also my mental state. I also try to consume foods that have proven mood improving effects (like cocoa or berries).

Finally, I have done several makeovers: to my home (can´t sell it but I am getting rid of everything that reminds me of him or past bad relationships—discovered that I hung on to too many objects that trigger bad memories from the past) ; to my relationships- started dumping toxic friends and I don´t let anyone abuse my generosity anymore, and finally to my face: yes, I had the facelift that I had been wanting for years because of drooping eyelids that made me look older. Everyone says I look at least 10 years younger, while my STBX is getting fatter and balder by the second…)

So, those are my drugs of choice. I sometimes think I may need a “real” one, but so far these have worked for me though I can´t say I am at “meh” yet and the thought of having to divide our household items in the following weeks brings me a great deal of anxiety. Which brings me to my final comment: No Contact is really the best drug of all…I have to still deal with my STBX directly because of our daughters, but I have felt the best when I don´t hear his voice or have to answer an email of his. ….It would be great for you if you can NC him for the wedding. I agree with others here: ask your daughter to not invite him, explain to her why, you will see how instantly better you will feel and how that day will be a celebration of your mightiness and your daughters happiness!

Triplefire
Triplefire
9 years ago
Reply to  SAchump

SAchump,
Can you guide me toward the 10 week internet therapy for victims of narcissistic abuse? I have been unable to find anything like that and I am trying to leave my disordered husband. It has left me feeling overwhelmed by what has to be done before I can sell this house, and dealing with him has me feeling insane. My search for counseling has not rendered much in the way of the subject. I cannot seem to locate a therapist who gets what I’ve been through and what I’ve had to realize (also 32 years). I am trying to avoid medication but have been tempted many times to write CL and ask Chump Nation for input simply because I feel paralyzed. All of this comes at a very good time and I thank CL and everybody here for their input. I am truly interested in that ten week internet therapy, if you’re willing to share.

chimp Lady
chimp Lady
9 years ago
Reply to  Triplefire

I found Melanie Tonia Evans NARP program very helpful. You can try it for free with 30 day money back. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

After 30 days, I was happy to pay for it.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  chimp Lady

Yes, Melanie Tonia Evans is very helpful. She calls narcissistic abuse for what it is, and helps you centre into yourself.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
9 years ago

Mary, I hear you about your concerns about taking meds. When my D-day happened, I got in to a great therapist and she said that I would probably need a mild anti-depressant. I told her I really wanted to avoid that if possible but if she thought I needed to then I would take them.
As it turned out, I didn’t need them. I went to therapy a lot, exercised a lot and cried a lot. My main challenge was not being able to sleep so I did get a scrip for xanax. I take a tiny dose before bed only on the days I feel really anxious. The therapist said that they are very addictive and can be horrible to withdraw from. She said that I won’t have a problem on my tiny dose and my intermittent use.
The xanax knocks me out into a fabulous, long sleep. I don’t feel groggy in the morning and the mind-relaxing carries into the next day. It gives me a break from my own head.
I look forward to the time I won’t need it at all.
Also, the health food stores carry herbal sleep remedies that really do work. Valerian and Lemon Balm and Hops have worked for me. Sometimes I take those instead of the xanax just to switch it up. Sometimes they leave me a little dizzy in the morning, but not bad.
I think the important thing is to get in to a mental health professional who can help you understand your options and also provide some talk therapy.
I avoid all drugs generally. I have to be really sick to take any drugs. However, there are times in life when some drugs are miracle drugs and can be taken temporarily.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

I take a tiny dose of Xanax to sleep too, .25 to .5, if you take it for more tan 3 days you will experience withdrawal symptoms, benzos are physically addictive from day one. I took that tiny dose foe a while, it was the only thing that let me sleep. And getting off was painful. Unfortunately none of the othe drugs for insomnia did jack shit for me so I’m kinda stuck. Dr just gave me atavan to try but it is just as addictive as the Xanax. I’d cut off my little finger if it meant I could sleep every night drug free!

Chumpy
Chumpy
9 years ago

Dealt with in on my own for the first 2 years after I found out. Still not over the hill so I went to a psychiatrist and have been on Lexapro for 2 weeks now. My “natural” gas just gave out, so I sought help. I’m happy I did. This shit changes us. Hang in there!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

Dear Mary– I feel for you, you are in such a painful place. But you have already done so much! Look at what you have achieved to move forward. So mighty! Don’t discount that.

As far as the meds question, as always, the crowd here has buckets of wisdom and many good points of view. I’ve been terribly depressed for years, even prior to D-da (gee-wonder why??) so I’ve tried a gamut of SSRis (serotonin reuptake inhibitors, like Zoloft or Celexa), and moved to SNRIs (serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors–now I’m on Cymbalta, which has the added benefit of addressing the neurological pain I have from a serious spinal condition). Both work, in my kindergarten understanding, by preventing the brain from too rapidly reabsorbing the chemicals you need to feel stable, optimistic, balanced and so forth.

They’re not “happy ” pills–it’s not snorting coke! It’s more like as one of us said above, they get you to a place where you can help your self, where you’re not immobilized by the depression (pain, anguish, guilt).

Anti anxiety meds like ativan (lorazepam) do different things altogether– ativan being part of the benzodiazepam family has the potential to be addictive, but it is also very, very effective.

I’m on diazepam (Valium) for sleeping & muscle spasms. I had nearly tapered off, when my Ex dropped his shit bomb. They say it’s harder than heroin to get off of, so now I get to detox myself a second time. wheee. But I want to emphasize that this is extremely different than a typical antidepressant–in fact its. not one at all.

There are also non-benzo anti anxiety meds.

All of which is to say, find a good consulting psychiatric meds doc, and let her/him know what’s going on with you. You want one who will talk to you for a little while (often the older ones are more trained to do that in my experience). And they will be very sympathetic. It’s what they are there for! And you can tell them you don’t want to be on for long etc. If the doc is non responsive to that, find another. You can do it–it’s a pain, but you are mighty!

Congratulations to you on the wedding of your lovely daughter. I wish you the best of all possible mother of the bride times –Remember, no on can take that away from you. You’ll always be the Mother of the Bride.

tryinghard
tryinghard
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Mary

I should also add that I had a psychiatrist AND a therapist to talk to while taking the meds. The support there was invaluable. So if you are going to do meds find a good therapist as well. They go hand in hand. Like someone else said, I’m sure you have good connections to find a great therapist. Just maybe not one from the hospital where you ex would be their boss :/

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  tryinghard

Yes! I think of these people and others as part of my recovery team.

moving forward
moving forward
9 years ago

Hi Mary

I have been where you are right now. While my circumstances were different, I too had to be part of other people’s celebrations like weddings and babies (and a few funerals). And I had a set back like the one you describe and was back on the couch and not coping.

What helped me was to change my mindset.

It was (and sometimes still is) so incredibly difficult — so unbelievably difficult. If you can, try to move ahead in your thinking — from what you feel is loss, humiliation and betrayal to what is a blessing (i.e., I am so proud of my daughter, I am so blessed with 4 beautiful girls, I am so lucky that I don’t need to worry about money to pay for this amazing wedding).

In my case, I had to accept that I would never have kids and see what I was gaining — specifically a niece and a nephew. Wow, blessings.

Listen, everyone knows about your ex’s character. EVERYONE. What they don’t know is your character and how strong you really are.

So you won’t dance with your ex during the wedding – so what. Guess how many other people you will be dancing with. Guess how busy you will be during that night. Guess how freaking proud you will be of the fantastic family you have. Guess how many people will say they admire your tenacity and class. Guess who will be glowing with pride. You.

Yes you will cry because all Mom’s cry at weddings. But you will cry out of joy.

What you are going through is so hard. I used to feel like I was in a boat alone — sometimes without oars, sometimes in rough seas, sometimes I could not see the horizon. Utterly out of control. But you have control. Repeat, you have control. Repeat, you are now in control of your life.

I did not take drugs. What helped me mostly was therapy. Followed by: exercise, work, walking in nature, eating good foods, taking care of myself, reiki, and letting myself feel & really grieve (after not feeling anything for years).

I echo everyone. If you feel the need for drugs, talk to a professional. No one will judge you for it. Follow you gut.

I know you can’t believe this now but it gets better. Your life is already extraordinarily better. I hated people telling me this because it did not make me feel any better — but darn, it is true.

Forget about karma, Mary. It takes its sweet a** time but it does come. Focus on you right now.

P.S. I really wish that I had found this site when I was going through my divorce 7 years ago. I can’t believe they similarity of the stories and how utterly flawed cheaters are. Thank you Chump Lady!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  moving forward

You bring to mind another idea. Why not ask one or more male relatives or friends (not a “date”) to be your dance partner at the wedding? My divorced friend whose daughter married this summer did not have ANY relatives at her table. She surrounded herself with her friends! And then her brothers and nephews danced the night away with her. It was wonderful. So if you are doing the planning–think outside the box so that you are surrounded by loving friends and relatives!

Ca-Chump
Ca-Chump
9 years ago

My MD put me on Celexa, ramping up from 5 to 10 to 20 to 40 mg. Her diagnosis was situational depression and anxiety. Understatement. Considering what an utter wreck I was it didn’t really matter what I think about drugs or not or worry about dependency. I was already addicted to an emotionally abusive cheater and kicking that habit hurts like f@#$. The point was to get functional again, I had kids, a job and a divorce to plan. But I also trusted the MD — I’m certainly not the first patient she’s had come in asking for STD tests and something to get me back on my feet.

They did make me sleepy at first, I didn’t have the weight gain problem — following the DDays I dropped far too much weight and looked awful. The first thing I noticed was that I was able to sleep (though I also got some Ambien just in case). Then after about three weeks, I noticed the edge was off — I could focus on things that needed to be done rather than being paralyzed. I still felt depressed but not immobilized or having panic attacks with every trigger – I think the drugs helped me through the pain but they certainly did not hide or erase it. 5 months later I have gone back down to 20mg. At some point I’ll see how I do without, but right now is not the time.

She also had me start taking a B complex and calcium/magnesium/zinc complex vitamins, Omega3s and eating more protein. I saw a therapist and tried a support group. I felt the support group was very helpful, more so than the therapist. I also try to get to the gym on a regular basis and every night I take the dog for a 30 minute walk. The irony of all this is how badly I had neglected myself for almost 15 years in catering to the soul-sucking black hole of my cheater’s needs.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Ca-Chump

Oh, yes. I did 2000 mg of fish oil and 1000 mg of Vitamin C. I used (and still do) a very good protein powder and added fruit for a breakfast shake. I was scared that the inability to sleep and keep down solid food would lead me to get sick on top of it all but I didn’t have so much as a cold.

Triplefire
Triplefire
9 years ago
Reply to  Ca-Chump

Considering what an utter wreck I was it didn’t really matter what I think about drugs or not or worry about dependency. I was already addicted to an emotionally abusive cheater and kicking that habit hurts like f@#$.

^ LOL! oh my gosh, I needed that laugh. I can SO relate.

JoyToTheGlobe
JoyToTheGlobe
9 years ago

Mary,

I have taken meds and thought I would answer some of your specific questions, as they related to my experience. Others may have a different experience, of course. Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, so this is not official medical advice, just my opinions based on my experiences.

By way of background, my husband of 24 years died suddenly of a heart problem. I tried to not take any meds, and made it about a year, then started having panic attacks. At that point, I decided meds were preferable to feeling like I was going to die several times per day. I took them for a few years, then tapered off with no bad side effects. The trick to going off these meds is to do it gradually. If you try to go “cold turkey” you will feel all kinds of awful side effects like dizziness, headaches, and “twitchiness” (I know because I tried it once.) After about 6 years, I started dating again, and got involved with a guy who turned out to be a liar, deceiver and cheater, so I can relate to what those on this site have gone through, but not to the same degree since we weren’t married. I also took the meds to help get over the craziness of that relationship, then went off them again.

You ask: Should I start a drug?
This is a personal decision, of course, but my advice is to try it. Take it to get you through the wedding, then decide if you want to continue based on how you feel. If you want to get off, just taper down the dosage over the course of several weeks.

You ask: Will it help?
The amount of help will depend on your body chemistry and how it reacts to the med prescribed. You may have to try more than one. I tried Zoloft, but it made me dizzy, so got prescribed Lexapro and it worked fine. I felt “normal.”

You ask: Will it make me more nuts?
No, if you take a drug that works with your body chemistry it should not make you nuts. The goal of taking the med is to feel “normal.” If you do not feel normal, go back to your doctor and get a different prescription.

You ask: Will I be able to feel the joy of the day for her?
Again, if you get the right drug, you should be able to feel happiness. My experience is that it dampens the emotions a bit, leveling them off, so it may not be an ecstatic high. I was able to feel the emotions. When I first started taking them, I had to get the right dose. If you take too strong a dose, it can interfere with the feeling of emotions, so again, the goal is to get a med and dose that helps you feel “normal” – like your old self.

You ask: Will it hopefully prevent me from the godforsaken ugly cry during their vows?
Yes, I believe so based on my experience. While you may not feel the ecstatic high, you will also not feel the sever lows, either.

You ask: Will I get fat?
I gained a bit of weight on Lexapro (about 10 pounds) which came off right away once I went off the med. I thought it preferable to gain 10 pounds than feel like I was going to die. I took Prozac to get over the cheater and it had no effect on my weight at all. I think this varies based on the person and the med/dosage.

You ask: Will I turn into a vegetable?
If you are taking the right dosage, you will not turn into a vegetable. If you feel like that, go back to your doctor and get a different med or lower dosage.

You ask: Will I wish I had taken it sooner?
I did, but I’m sure each person will have a different perspective.

You ask: Will I want to commit suicide when I get off it?
There are warnings that some people (mainly young people as in teens) can sometimes experience suicidal thoughts when going ON the med. When you get off it, if you taper down, you should not feel like you want to commit suicide unless you are suffering from severe depression anyway (in which case you could benefit from continuing the meds – ask your doctor if you have depression).

You ask: Will I ever get off it?
Yes, you can get off. As I said, tapering works. I’ve done it more than once with no severe side effects.

You ask: Is one name brand better than another?
Each person is different and it depends on your body chemistry. Try one and if it makes you feel weird, go back and get something different.

You ask: Can I drink on it without getting hammered?
Yes, in moderation, although it is not recommended. My experience was that I could drink one or two glasses of wine. The main reason they don’t recommend it is that if you are depressed, drinking will worsen the depression, and sometimes there are interactions (depending on the med) with alcohol, so read all the warnings when you get the prescription. An added benefit for me is that I didn’t even WANT to drink while taking it, so I am now a non-drinker even after going off the meds. I count this as a benefit but others may see it differently.

You ask: Will it stop the never-ending desire to punish him for what he did to me?
It will help likely dampen these feelings, but maybe not eliminate them if you are at the right dosage. If you are taking a higher dosage, it might eliminate them, but I would say some amount of anger in this regard is normal and natural. Just try to get a dose that helps you avoid the extremes.

You ask: Will it temporarily help, and then when I get off it, I’ll have to deal with everything all over again?
It’s possible, but in my experience the passage of time helped not to go back to square one. When I got off (both times) I didn’t go back into the grief/depression/anger cycle. I felt much better and happier with life in general.

You ask: Will I be going through life floating with cotton in my head?
Again, the goal is to feel normal. If you have cotton in your head, you are probably either taking the wrong med and/or wrong dosage.

You ask: Did you hate it or you couldn’t have gotten through without it?
I felt it helped. I may have been able to “tough it out” like I normally do on so many things, but I was glad to have some help getting over the toughest times.

You ask: Now is the time? Or keep fighting through it?
I say try it. You can always go off it (by tapering) if you don’t like how you feel.

Wishing you the best no matter what you decide! Hang in there!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Oh Mary, I am so sorry for what you had to endure. As soon as I read your ex is CEO of large hospital, I was not surprised. I believe that a large percentage of those at the top in business, entertainment, politics and sports are disordered — sociopaths or narcissists. They wouldn’t have made it to the top in those cut-throat fields otherwise.

I did go on antidepressants for awhile after my marriage blew apart. I was unable to sleep, lost 30 pounds in a month, was having muscle spasms and could not think. I went on Zoloft, which I had taken in the past. I also had Klonipin to take as needed for extreme anxiety attacks. You might want to look into Klonipin if you feel you really only need the med to get through the wedding. It works great for quick relief of anxiety, but if you take it long term, it is addictive.

Zoloft was quite helpful for my depression, but I eventually stopped taking it because it made my hands shake, I gained a lot of weight (drs don’t tend to tell you this, but almost all antidepressants cause you to gain weight. Wellbutrin is an exception to that, though.) and I started to feel that although it helped with depression, it made anxiety worse.

I think antidepressants are great for a person who really is suffering and needs to get through a rough time. It IS trial-and-error though to find the one right for you — everyone reacts differently, and you might have to try several meds before finding the one that helps more than it hurts. Be aware that almost all can cause fatigue, dizziness, dry mouth, constipation and shakiness, at least during the first week or two. Sometimes these side effects go away as you adjust to the med, sometimes not.

Also, it is really important to know that it is NOT easy to go off antidepressants, and this is something else drs don’t warn you about. You CANNOT just go cold turkey. You have to wean off them slowly, and it can be an awful process. I felt really lousy when I went off Zoloft, it took a few weeks to feel better.

I’ve also been on Lexapro, which made me anxious; Wellbutrin, which made me feel very angry and riled up; and a bunch of others I forget that all either made me horribly constipated or exhausted. Like I said, it’s trial-and-error to find the right med for you.

Good luck, Mary, and keep reading here. This site is a lifesaver.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Glad, I do agree that people at the top of their professions are more likely to become involved in affairs. Their power attracts others to them, and they often enjoy being told how great they are. I definitely believed this attitude played a part in my ex’s affair with his married grad student. She just worshipped him, fed his ego, etc.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes, same here. I really loved him, and would have had him back if he had done genuine remorse.
But had to go through learning he was a narcissist and that we never really had the relationship I thought.

tryinghard
tryinghard
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Glad Its Over

LOL I was on WellButrin and I didn’t notice it made me angrier than I should have been. Besides once I got angry is when things changed so may the anger part was a good side affect ?

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

Mary- you’ve come to the right place for support. Having a community of support is crucial regardless of the circumstance, medicated or unmedicated. One of my thoughts reading what you wrote is that it sounds like you’ve been putting up a strong front for some time. You don’t have to put up a front. Let yourself be real. Your kids are grown, they were hurt in the process too and you wrote that they don’t want to see him. Can you have a cry fest with them? You share a very similar pain and it would probably help all of you.

You wrote: “All this is to say, I’ve been through some really, really dark days with all this, and I refused to take any drugs. It made no sense to me that I would mess my brain up because of an asshole’s fuckedupedness. No way. So I forged through without an aspirin or a Zoloft…I kind of feel like I got this far unaided….what’s a day in November?” Do you realize the MIGHTINESS you’ve already demonstrated in writing this?! Damn girl!! There is a TON of weight and worth in how far you’ve already come. Revel in your mightiness, the success you’ve already had. Holy cow lady you’ve got quite an arsenal full of it!! He’s your EX! You finished that process! It may not feel like it but holy buckets you’ve got a lot power in you!!!

We never know how far our strength goes until we think we have no more. I’ve never taken any of those meds, never had a reason to. I don’t speak from personal experience there. Correct me if I’m wrong, but from what you wrote, I’m going to put it out there that it doesn’t sound like you really want to take the meds. It seems off to me to say “It made no sense to me that I would mess my brain up because of an asshole’s fuckedupedness. No way.” and then turn right around when it gets hard again and take the meds. It’s your own choice if you take them. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you want a one-day, quick fix. No drug has zero side effects, there’s always a give and take somewhere and anti-depressants aren’t like the 3 day course of antibiotics you’d take for a UTI. There is no one-day dose to quick fix things when it comes to anti-anxiety and anti-depression. You will find a quick fix that has much longer lasting benefits from exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep. Be open and honest with your daughter. I’ll be blown over if she isn’t concerned about how you’ll do on her wedding. Not the “I want everything picture perfect” concern but the legitimate, “she’s my mother and she’s been through hell how can I support her” concern. If she doesn’t want him there, then don’t let him come in. Period.

You are MIGHTY Mary. My goodness you are MIGHTY!!!!

Focus on how you made it through the dark valleys you’ve already lived through. You made it through them, you’re still standing, maybe a little more worn and torn up but you made it through. Regardless of how scratched up you are, you did something that worked and got you through it. What did you do? You made a big jump from going from eyes constantly open on the couch for 4 days to filing for divorce. If you read the comments in these posts you’ll see dozens of them that took years to file and for you it was 7.5 months! There’s a VERY big difference there.

I echo what someone else said, it seems you write well. Write out all the hateful, spiteful, things-you’re-ashamed-to-admit-you’re-actually-thinking things in a notebook or word doc or whatever. Get it out of your system. Burn it when you’re done if you want or lock it up somewhere. Or find someone that will let you be real and either won’t be shocked or will get over any shock at what you say. You need to be allowed to be real. That probably means you’ll wish him dead (and you’ve probably already wished that anyway), or that maybe you’re quietly, secretly hoping he gets a little too close to those alter boy candles and catches fire. By all means wish away, none of us can say we’ve never-ever thought anything like that, that’s part of being real, admit you’re actually thinking it, get it out of your system. It sucks waiting for Karma but it will come. Knowing the professional position he’s currently in, when he falls, he’s going to fall long and hard.

You’ve been put through hell, you have a right to be angry. Let yourself be angry, find a safe anger passage that works for you (aka don’t do anything stupid, like hiring a hit man-as satisfyingly tempting as that may sound at times, don’t do it ha. If he’s in the Mafia then let the Mafia take care of that). Cry if you want to cry.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago

Try the meds… here is my totally unscientific reasoning… your brain, like your body just gets worn out when you go through such a horrific experience. Your brain has used up all of its naturally produced happy juice, it is just plum tuckered out, it needs a bit of help. If you are not a naturally depressed sort of person, then take the meds. You will find that they help, with the thoughts and help with the sleep. Once you have some control over both of these things you will find that you don’t need the meds quite as much and you can come off them. I have been in this place twice with my barely human xh. Twice they have brought me back to my old perky happy self. much love.

Pame
Pame
9 years ago

Love your explanation. I know the scientific one, but yours is really good and not so far of the official one 🙂

SSSF
SSSF
9 years ago

Mary, take the drugs.

If someone hit you with a car, you wouldn’t just expect time to help you heal the physical scars.

Your heart is broken! (mine is too). Medicine for my brain is helping heal my broken heart. And I’m nursing a baby too.

Pame
Pame
9 years ago

Dear Unmarried Mary,

First learn this: Depression is a DISEASE, just like diabetes. The right drug won’t mess with your brain, it will help your brain to function normally. Some people (like my mother) can control it only with the right diet, because the malfunction of her body is only partial. Some people like my father has to take drugs or he would die. That’s because the malfunction is much more extensive. Depression is THE SAME. At some point, you can get better with little changes in your life (exercise, go out with friends, meditation, etc), BUT (a big BUT) sometimes you can’t. And there is NO SHAME in that.

I was once (7 year ago actually) like you. I will not share my history off sadness because is not important (they are all practically the same) but my history of recovery.

I didn’t want to take drugs. I went to work every day. I cried at least 3 times in the day while at work, i just went to the bathroom, cried, wash my face and kept working. I went home (move back with my parents), ate something, and cry myself to sleep again. It was like that for a year until a friend told me that he was going to take an hour for me with a psychiatrist and he was going to pay for it if necessary. I went to that guy and 2 more (one woman in the middle). They were arrogants jerks, the drugs didn’t work on me, and it felt like a waste of time. But my people didn’t let me leave the therapy. And it was all dark until ONE DAY i met the RIGHT THERAPIST. This was a guy who was used to treat cancer patients, tortured victims, etc. This was not an arrogant prick, but he wasn’t sweet either. He force me to face the TRUTH: the man that i was grieving didn’t exist. The man that a thought i love was a coward, and a strong woman like me, would never be in love with a coward, so the only explanation was that i was still in love with a fantasy. He is a psychologist, and in my country they can’t give drugs, so he took me to a psychiatrist, a wonderful woman who listened to me and gave me the drugs i needed.

Depression is a disease, just like diabetes. The right drug won’t mess with your brain, it will help your brain to function normally.

My advice? PLEASE, PLEASE search for a REALLY GOOD therapist, and get help. They are expensive (my psychiatrist it’s the most expensive one in my city, but also THE BEST) but been able to enjoy the sun again, to feel the fresh air in the morning, to laugh with all your body…it’s gonna be the best investment i promise.

Don’t try to be strong for other be strong FOR YOU. Don’t try to be “a good woman” try to become a HAPPY one.

PS: I apologize for any fault in grammar or orthography. English is not my first language

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Pame

Pame, I, too, appreciated your post. Especially:

“…face the TRUTH: the man that i was grieving didn’t exist. The man that a thought i love was a coward, and a strong woman like me, would never be in love with a coward, so the only explanation was that i was still in love with a fantasy.”

I am in the same predicament. Trying to get over someone who never really existed at all.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Pame

What a wonderful post. What a wonderful testimony to the determination not only to recover, but to find the right people to help you thrive. And from the perspective of a writing teacher, you are a fine writer in English.