This past May I uncovered an affair my wife had been having for the past two years (possible longer) with her co-worker. They are both teachers at the same school. I uncovered a secret email she had been using. The inbox contained two years worth of emails. The details and photos they sent each other almost destroyed me.
When I confronted her she denied it until I gave her proof and even then she showed no remorse. She just asked for a “fair settlement”. I’ve gone NC since, only communicating with her via email when it pertains to the kids. We have two kids ages 3 and 5. I only see her when the kids are dropped off. The divorce application is pending and we have a signed separation agreement.
She asked me yesterday if we could meet to talk. She wants to apologize for her behaviour. I don’t want to meet her and if I do I might lose it. I want to give her sh*t for what she’s done but will it even be worth it? I’m trying my best to detach. The thought of meeting her makes me shake. This morning I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Will confronting her now make me feel any better or will that make it harder for me to detach?
Will confronting her make you feel better? Well, ask yourself that. From what you wrote, you don’t want to meet her, the thought of it makes you “lose it,” want to “shake,” and have a “panic attack.” Generally, we don’t consider those things to be improving.
So no, don’t meet her for the bullshit reason of her personal impression management. It’s not your job to assuage her conscience (assuming she has one). Your job is to heal and protect yourself from further harm. And the way you do that is through no contact.
This is early days. Your D-Day was only last May — FOUR months ago. You’ve had to endure a tremendous amount of loss in that time. It’s OKAY to say NO to your ex. Or better yet, just nothing. Crickets. Spend the day doing something actually improving, like washing your hair, or vacuuming behind the refrigerator. Anything really other than listening to your ex “explain” her two-year affair.
There is no explanation for it. It is what it is — horrific. She was stepping out on you and two small children. She destroyed your family.
If you confront her and give her shit — it won’t have the desired effect. You aren’t going to get your family back, or your two years, or some pre-affair state wife of purity. She can’t unring that bell or unfuck that douche. You can’t shame a cheater. Her actions clearly indicate she lives without shame quite well, thank you. All you will do is get yourself into a lather and be upset that she’s not nearly as upset as she should be. There isn’t enough shit to give her that begins to approximate the shit sandwich you are eating right now.
As for her apology? My best guess is that the bitch wants kibbles. Cheaters love to “apologize” under the pretext of seeing how much You Still Care. Are you wrecked because of her? Kibbles! Do you miss her? Kibbles! Do your eyes look puffy from crying? Kibbles! These “apologies” are often invitations to do the pick me dance. Here, I’ll throw you a bone — I’m sorry! — now DANCE motherfucker. Compete for my affections again. Tell me how much you miss me and I’ll tell you how confused I am right now. Gee, you rather suck, and I had to do this, but… I hate how I’m perceived as a cheater, so forgive me, and let’s be friends with kibbles, okay?
You have my permission to skip that.
She’s REALLY sorry? She can demonstrate that by being fair in the divorce and not fucking with access to your children. THAT is the best approximation of sorry you should get and it’s the least she can do. If you have to reply to her meet up offer, I’d probably text that. Sorry is as sorry does. You’re sorry? Leave me alone and don’t fuck with my kids.
Michael, your probably also bucking up against the expectation that chumps immediately forgive and play nice for the kids. I’ve written about forgiveness elsewhere in this blog, but suffice it to say, meh is your forgiveness and it takes a hell of a lot longer than four months to achieve meh, or indifference, towards your ex. You must be civil to her for the kids. Accommodating when it suits you. Pay your support. Beyond that, you don’t owe her ANYTHING.
If years out from now when you don’t feel like puking at the sight of her, she wants to apologize, let her. You won’t care one bit. New Michael will be totally moved on. Until that day — no contact, my friend.