Who says cheaters aren’t thoughtful? They disappear on their families, court STDs, and spend your savings on Back Page hook-ups, but hey! they send greeting cards.
Sure, they fuck in Walmart parking lots, but they’re kicking their classiness up a notch with missives like “Roses are red/Violets are blue/It’s a good thing my husband/Doesn’t know I’m screwing you.”
So who do we have to thank for this fresh hell? Mistresscards.com These marketing geniuses also have cards for men — so guys — is there someone you would like to extramaritally fuck, but just don’t know how to express yourself? Send her: “I want you as a mistress to brighten my life/Please overlook that I have a wife/My relationship’s ending, some would say dead/So let’s have some dinner and wind up in bed.”
Okay, there’s the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit — but when you put your lecherous thoughts into rhyming couplets, the ladies find it irresistible! Really! Who doesn’t want to be seduced by a piece of folded cardboard? I know that kind of charm offensive would have me reaching for pepper spray.
And you established cheating couples? Are you feeling left out of the mainstream greeting card scene? Can’t find anything at Hallmark to celebrate your “affair-aversary”? Why not consider a cheeky card to commemorate the day you trashed your wedding vows for some fresh snatch?
Everyone is doing it! says Mike Taylor, a spokesman for IllicitEncounters.com according to the Daily Mail.
“With one person in every ten couples actively looking for a new relationship on our site, and many more having affairs in their workplace, or with someone they met in a bar or even with a partner’s sibling, we shouldn’t be surprised that a card celebrating what can be a very fulfilling and exciting experience would have enormous interest.”
Chumps, are you not celebrating that herpes you caught off her fuckbuddy? Do you not find the thought of divorce, custody battles, and single parenting to be fulfilling and an exciting experience that brings enormous interest?
Then I think what you need is a greeting card! Yes, why should you miss out on all the fun? Soon I’ll be unveiling my own greeting card line, ChumpCards.com for the discerning chump.
Are you having a hard time bagging up her shit and throwing it on the lawn for the raccoons?
Send her: “Rose are red/Violets are blue/I GPSed your ass to him/Now I’m divorcing you”
Does he still think you care? Disabuse him of that notion with:
“Pap smear came back/I’ve got HPV/Faithful 23 years/It wasn’t me/Lawyered up/You’ve got some nerve/I’m keeping the house/Consider yourself served.
Chump Cards! For the uppity chump who isn’t taking any more shit off cheaters. Buy one today!