Who says cheaters aren’t thoughtful? They disappear on their families, court STDs, and spend your savings on Back Page hook-ups, but hey! they send greeting cards.
Sure, they fuck in Walmart parking lots, but they’re kicking their classiness up a notch with missives like “Roses are red/Violets are blue/It’s a good thing my husband/Doesn’t know I’m screwing you.”
Poetry!
So who do we have to thank for this fresh hell? Mistresscards.com These marketing geniuses also have cards for men — so guys — is there someone you would like to extramaritally fuck, but just don’t know how to express yourself? Send her: “I want you as a mistress to brighten my life/Please overlook that I have a wife/My relationship’s ending, some would say dead/So let’s have some dinner and wind up in bed.”
Okay, there’s the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit — but when you put your lecherous thoughts into rhyming couplets, the ladies find it irresistible! Really! Who doesn’t want to be seduced by a piece of folded cardboard? I know that kind of charm offensive would have me reaching for pepper spray.
And you established cheating couples? Are you feeling left out of the mainstream greeting card scene? Can’t find anything at Hallmark to celebrate your “affair-aversary”? Why not consider a cheeky card to commemorate the day you trashed your wedding vows for some fresh snatch?
Everyone is doing it! says Mike Taylor, a spokesman for IllicitEncounters.com according to the Daily Mail.
“With one person in every ten couples actively looking for a new relationship on our site, and many more having affairs in their workplace, or with someone they met in a bar or even with a partner’s sibling, we shouldn’t be surprised that a card celebrating what can be a very fulfilling and exciting experience would have enormous interest.”
Chumps, are you not celebrating that herpes you caught off her fuckbuddy? Do you not find the thought of divorce, custody battles, and single parenting to be fulfilling and an exciting experience that brings enormous interest?
Then I think what you need is a greeting card! Yes, why should you miss out on all the fun? Soon I’ll be unveiling my own greeting card line, ChumpCards.com for the discerning chump.
Are you having a hard time bagging up her shit and throwing it on the lawn for the raccoons?
Send her: “Rose are red/Violets are blue/I GPSed your ass to him/Now I’m divorcing you”
Does he still think you care? Disabuse him of that notion with:
“Pap smear came back/I’ve got HPV/Faithful 23 years/It wasn’t me/Lawyered up/You’ve got some nerve/I’m keeping the house/Consider yourself served.
Chump Cards! For the uppity chump who isn’t taking any more shit off cheaters. Buy one today!
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Our kids are devastated
All ’cause of you.
No kidding
So very true.
““Pap smear came back/I’ve got HPV/Faithful 23 years/It wasn’t me/Lawyered up/You’ve got some nerve/I’m keeping the house/Consider yourself served.”
That’s just genius.
Genius indeed!
You know why the threat of STDs is so real? Because anybody that would be swept off their feet by a line like “want to fuck” is not going to be a very discerning skank.
This was the hard part for me….that this was the kind of woman he was cheating on me with. Completely disgusting.
I think one reasons people cheat with losers is that people who can do better aren’t going to want a married person.
Yes….that and the fact that any strange will do.
Diana L. THIS.
‘I think one reason people cheat with losers is that people who can do better aren’t going to want a married person.’
I always thought that. WHY would someone go after a married person?? My XH’s skank woman went after several married men before she snagged mine. She’s super fugly and I’m not kidding one bit. Ugly crooked yellow teeth with fangs. Bad hair. Bad skin. Ugly on the inside. Ugly on the outside. I always thought she had money because I could not figure out what the attraction was. I ran into her XH a few times and I asked him if she was Loaded Girl and he told me she had always had good jobs but she didn’t have any money so to speak. He also told me appearances were everything to her and she insisted they live beyond their means to present that image. He said they fought about money all the time because she insisted they be in debt to keep up with the Jones’s.
Bwahahaha and my dumb ass drunk XH could care less if he lives in a tin can as long as he has a 12 pack of Buckhorn waiting for him when he gets off work.
you just described my XH MOW. our marriage was not the first she “helped” the unhappy husband thru. but i think all the previous ones went back to their wives. while i divorced mine. i dont thing either of them thought i would. he thought i would “fight” for him, and she thinks she “won” something finally. both love to throw it in my face now.
she is ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside. she has those dead eyes. you know, has zero emotions for anyone or anything. i dont think she actually cares what kind of man she has as long as she has a man. my XH is (or was ) a pretty good catch. we had a real good life, she saw it and wanted it for herself. the problem is she thought he was the one that did this, the cars, the house, the 4 wheelers, the jetskis, the boat, the motorcyles. she erroneously thought he provided us those things, but actually it was me who did all that. with my income tax money, one year at a time. she is in for a rude awaken.
just found out this morning that he is using meth and she is using meth. they have matching his and her meth pipes. how romantic….i remember him trying to tell in like sept, oct 2013 that he had gotten into something he shouldnt have gotten into. i knew it was drugs but he never admit it. i think she was the one who introduced meth back into his life. encourages and supports his use. since june this year. he has blown up his transmission, quit his job and apparently just stays home all day everyday waiting for her to come home. definitely not the man i knew and loved. and she apparently is very happy to have a man like that. wow mind fucked
Wait, I thought it was Fate and Destiny.
my eyes are red
my feelings are blue
she’s a piece of shit
and so are you
love this
Good one Flowerlady
CL cards! That’s a great idea!
Bring on the sarcastic, karma, stupid shit cheaters say…and the best of some mighty chumps!
Even without the creepy card, I don’t understand why anyone would feel flattered by someone wanting to cheat with you. You want to run away from your problems, duping your unsuspecting spouse in the process, and you chose little ol’ ME to help you? Wipes away tears of joy. I feel so special!
according to my XH MOW she actually told me she “did not come between us” and “aren’t you divorcing him anyway”. so whatever he told her, she thought she was “helping” him even thou she KNEW he was married, KNEW he had kids (if fact I think that he told her he was staying for the kids) but she also KNEW I was still talking to him and suggested marriage counseling. because I know he told her.
the kind of people that are ok with fucking a married man/woman are not all that wonderful either. my XH left his loving, supportive wife and adoring, worshipping and needy children to fuck anothers man’s wife, separated for years of course, who doesn’t even have or raise her own children because she would rather party, drink, do drugs and fuck all night then have the responsibilities of children. of course she loves her children so much, she just doesn’t want to be around them 24/7.
those people are fucking crazy!! all of them! I have no clue how you can make excuses like that with a straight face.
Is there any chance your husband has a drug or alocohol addiction and they are supporting each other in that?
diana L. actually or ironically i just found out this morning that yes, he is using meth. she is using meth. and well they have matching his and her meth pipes. isnt that special?
it actually makes me sick. that he left us for that whore and drugs. wow!
i am super damaged today over that.
i know nothing about drugs. i didnt even understand his alcoholism. but i never get the drug thing. i have no idea what the attraction is to them and dont understand the selfishness of using them or putting the drugs over your kids, the people who love you, your wife, needs and wants.
apparently she not only understands but supports his meth use.
i never had a chance
mrsvain no, you didn’t. Addiction specialist IC said: it is easy to have a relationship with a bottle[/pipe]. Bottles don’t have needs.
Narcissism and addiction go hand in hand. Hand in hand. It is just a matter of how far down the spectrum they go (some insight and wanting to change – sociopath).
It really hurts to see how inhuman they are – but why do we waste time expecting different? ‘You KNOW who he is and how he will react ‘- said my IC this morning. ‘ So slice your hands with razor blades rather than talk to him (it is basically the same result!)’.
it hurts me to see how FAR down he is slipping and knowing i can not stop it. It hurts me to see that he has just given up on life and the people he has surrounded himself with actually do not give a flying fuck. It hurts me because he was one of those men that needed to be told and pushed to do the right thing, a follower and now he is just another druggie loser.
i tried to tell him. over and over last year and the year before. but this is what he wanted. this is what he left me for. i just got tired of fighting to keep him out of the gutter.
but i hate seeing him like that. of course the silly little heart still loves him. wants more for him and hates to see him hurting. but i keep telling myself, he fired me from that job. and if his new woman doesnt care and isnt taking care of him, there is nothing that i can do.
it was his choice
How absolutely horrible!
I hope you and any children stay far away from him. He doesn’t sound like a safe person to be around. I can’t remember if you have kids, but if you do, please see if you have to let him have visitation. Taking drugs is serious.
Addicts love their drugs more than people. It’s nothing personal.
Just keep away from him for your safetey and your kids sake.
Roses are red,
Our kids are blue.
Your girlfriend is smiling,
What a shitty thing to do.
What becomes of the broken hearted?
Thought you were wonderful but don’t get me started
Years I have given you
Only for you to screw
That bitch
Oh- oh- oh-oooooh
You lied to me and left me devastated
But it ‘just happened’ and she made you so elated
After so many years
I’m choking back the tears
Bastard
Oh-oh-oh-oooooh
All join in now……..
I’m not clever with words.
How about a simple, “You Suck” ?
Good enough for me but probably too wordy for the cheater to understand.
Hee hee snort
LMAO!!!
ANC- go the haiku route:
You suck balls
You suck them a lot
Yes you do
You rock!
Like!
I thought I’d seen everything, but a line of greeting cards for cheaters….. good lord. You know, I’m not religious, but I really believe we are living in the end times. Look around you, and humanity is circling the drain. When it’s become acceptable to celebrate infidelity and even send vulgar greeting cards to potential fuck buddies, you know morality and integrity are dead.
I hate to say it, but I agree with you. I can’t believe that my children may end up as adults who live in a world where there’s no true human connection– we’re reducing ourselves to orifices in which to stick things that please us and define ourselves as successful when we have lots of money and for no other reason.
GladIt’sOver, not to mention websites devoted to helping people IN RELATIONSHIPS to cheat. How do they sleep at night? I’m not religious, but I do believe in the karma train.
I think it may be more a sign of a decaying culture – too rich and selfish. Not necessarily the end for the whole world, but a good possibility that some other culture will pull ahead in the economy, etc.
Great comment, Diana. And, I do believe in the pendulum swinging back. All cycles do – just like economic ones. Moral ones will come back to swing too hard the other way, and then – hopefully, settle in the middle somewhere. I’m just glad there is now a voice behind all of us who have been cheated on. The ones, that people look at like, ‘poor them’. Well, it’s time to keep standing up for the CRIME of infidelity and how destructive it is. This site really does rock.
How about a card with a cheater sexting while on the toilet. Nothing sexier than a cheater taking a dump. Cheaters are about time management, that double life requires extraordinary effort. The taking a dump and sexting…the bathroom mirror selfie…the groin grooming and what to do with the plucked and shaved pubes. This all accomplished while home with the spouse and kids.
I love this idea. It’s the reality that is depicted in the movies. So…romantic. 🙂
…the reality that is *never* depicted in the movies…
” The taking a dump and sexting…the bathroom mirror selfie…the groin grooming and what to do with the plucked and shaved pubes. This all accomplished while home with the spouse and kids.”
How do you do this and maintain self-respect? How do you not feel like an ass? I know that my STBX was doing shit like this, also texting her while on vacation with me and our kids. As I said in comments a couple of days ago, I’m still trying to untangle the skein, but it’s realizing shit like this was going on that is helping me trust that he sucks.
My stbx would sit in the chair in the same room and was sexting the OW. Then go into bathroom and spend 15 minutes on the toilet and sexting! How sexy is that!
I used to marvel at just how long STBX was in the bathroom. Constipation?
Then I discovered he was sexting Schmoopie. Wow! So romantic! 😛
Picture cheater with cell phone on toilet. Above head you see an image of a Schmoopie in a heart.
Inside the card:
Ours is a love
So solid, so Twu,
When I take a dump,
I’m thinking of you.
Good god – kb. I actually fell off my chair with that visual! lolololol
kb, you’re brilliant!
Ah, the memories. This describes my X to a tee. The craps, the lover’s spats, the sexts…
Thanks to you, LMAO!!
Love this
kb….read that and started my day off with a SERIOUS laugh out loud! Gawd what a howl.
Taking a dump sexting Schmoopie with a bubble heart above his head with a picture of her in it. Priceless!! Maybe we could customize our greeting cards???
Oh yeah…..he’s sitting on the can with his pants around his ankles with a roll of toilet paper right beside him on the counter.
SOoooOOOoooo Sexy and HOTTT!~
This isn’t too far from my husband’s reality. He used to text and talk to his sluts as he was taking our dog out to poop. How’s that for romance? Watching your dog take a dump while telling your fuckbuddy how much you love them?
And how about depicting the mistresses with some reality as well? The women gracing mistresscards.com clearly show men’s idealized Woman — from the Mad Men era.
A variation of that is what I feared my ex’s mistress looked like. I guess I idealized her, too, thinking she must be amazing if she was able to “make” him blow up his family over her. Then I saw video of her. She looks like a 40-something soccer mom with two rolls of belly fat to go with her badonkadonk.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that — unless you happen to be helping to destroy my life. Then I will mos def be holding your flabbiness against you. 😉
ha ha Rally Squirrel – you crack me up.
But, please – do not call *her* a Mistress.
It sounds like something romantic out of the Harlequin Books.
She’s a slut fucking a married man.
Simple Right?
My x was in LOVE with Mad Men. He picked out a tramp but must have had a Disney mirror in front of him looking at his ‘mistress’ – she looks nothing like the long legs. They wish. I WANT ONE OF THESE CARDS!
lol – please continue…..didn’t meant to interrupt.
Somebody once refered to this as “poopsterbating” on this site.
I laughed cause my cheater spent hours doing this. And everyone, including friends and family noticed cause he would take his laptop in with him and come out 2 hours later.
Thank God we had 2 other bathrooms, but his bathroom of choice was the big main 4 piece that the kids usually used and any visiting guests. So, everyone was inconveniently disturbed by his nightly routine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why do you need to text
While you poo???
This is too funny….
My ex wife and her lurver were poopsterbating. I discovered bathroom mirror selfies they sent to each other.
I can now laugh about it. The ridiculousness and the symbolism of the bathroom cheater domain is fitting. In every “selfie” the toilet is there in the background.
This was how I found the secret phone. She stayed in the bathroom for over 40 minutes. Nobody is that constipated!
Dear OW:
I hope you’re enjoying
The prize that you got.
Well, I’m off to the gym now;
And, P.S. –You’re a twat.
Where can I buy this?
I totally would have bought a mistress card. . . For my ex’s mistress. It would have been worth the stamp to see the look on her face trying to figure it out.
You’re not so coy
To win my boy.
All it took
Was but a look,
And a little booty
With a bit of nudy.
But dear little mistress,
You may suffer distress,
As my former hubby,
Likes a rub-dub-dubby,
And he’s not too picky,
With who handles his dicky.
Here’s wishing you all the happiness you deserve.
To the OW:
Congratulations! You’re in for a real treat.
P.S. I didn’t write your name on this so you’ll be able to use it yourself when you discover the other woman – you may want to make copies. Cheers!
Well– this is in now way an advertisement, but I sent the OW a bouquet of dead flowers on her birthday– my EX had used our AM-EX (Ex-Am-Ex??) to send her flowers the previous year, so I knew the date & address… crikey, they’re all dumb, aren’t they?
Anyway, it’s fun to have a look, and a person could (cough*could*cough) accompany the gift of birthday flowers with a custom card. I simply addressed mine to “Dr. Hoe, Adulterer” so all the world would know. heh. http://www.dirtyrottenflowers.com/
God, where were these sites two years ago? I was going to send a bouquet of some flower that symbolized “you’re-a-total-shit” (not sure what flower that is– any ideas?) but I could not justify spending a nickel on the ho-bag. My husband was doing enough of that already and I had lawyers to pay. I also did not want sacrifice a pretty living plant for her.
I just used his Am-Ex. You know, easy come, easy go.
He’s the one way (can you count to 5 seconds?); she’s the other….
After my H left to go live with Schmoopie I sent her a bouquet of ugly flowers (charged to his Visa of course) ‘congratulating’ on her good fortune to skank up a married man.
Thanks for the link! I was looking for the *perfect* gift to send one of my STBX’s whores when she gives birth to his child in December. Love it!
And love the “PS you’re a twat” poem. That’s what I shall put on the card!
There once was a man from Nantucket
If it moved, he fucked it
That was his plan,
Cared less about his fam,
Now all alone, his life’s in the bucket.
Oh, where is my cheater?
This “fog” is quite murky!
But now I see clearly.
I hope he gets herpes.
Open and honest, you say
Shall we count the ways
You opened your legs for a screw
Now you cry as is you due.
Oh, I need to steal this one!
A beautiful wife
And two loving kids
But you are the one
Who put lives on the skids
The damage you’ve wrought
Can’t be repaired
But my lawyer’s a pit bull
Your turn to be scared
When the lust settles
You’ll soon mourn the cost
Of a lifetime of memories
And history lost
There are no words…
Thanks expat
Agree…there are no words – these posts are wonderful. Thank you all! I’m not that clever…yet.
These words of from an Australia classic hit back in the 80’s
“Laid down on a bed or roses
Woke up lying on a bed of nails
It’s the oldest of tales
Lose the wind from your sails”
You were screwing the sister
Of a friend who had died
you said it was nothing
but clearly you lied.
Who cares if she’s married?
Who cares how I feel?
It’s all so much fun
When you lie, cheat and steal.
I’m kinda on a roll….this is fun! CL hope you are serious about your card line!
Happy Anniversary
Of 36 years
Tragic I’m not crying happiness tears
Since you are so selfish
“Entitled” to stray
I’m taking Everything
And you’ll get to Pay
And when she discovers your endless deceits
She’ll leave for another
More skilled in the sheets
Your cons are now public
Your earnings pre-spent
Your debts are still mounting
Now you get to rent
good one
YES!!! PERFECT!!
I should’ve sent my ex POS and his ex troll twat wife cards congratulating them both on settling for each other. They are both desperate and very deserving of one another. When you see them out in public now she is always hovering right over his shoulder and watching every single move he makes (cause she trusts him soooo much). And he gets to deal with her constant nagging and badgering him for most of anything that he does. Guess people get what they deserve in the end anyway.
To my soon to be ex-husband:
Our relationship will now be cut short
With a skank you did cavort
I’ve found you both out
Now I’m using my clout
Next time we meet, it’s in court
You’ll see my lawyer has fangs
He’ll make sure your bank account hangs
He’ll bleed you dry
I won’t even cry
And you said they were innocent pranks.
Final version. Sorry, I’m a bit rusty.
To my soon to be ex-husband:
Our relationship will soon be cut short
With a skank you did cavort.
I’ve found you both out
So I’m using my clout
Next time we meet it’s in court
You’ll see my lawyer has fangs
He’ll make sure your bank account hangs
He’ll bleed you dry
I won’t even cry
And I’ll be free when that gavel bangs.
You said they were innocent pranks
and that one day, I would give thanks
I’ll be sitting pretty
while I live in fat city
Good luck with all your new skanks.
Thanks CL, I’d forgotten how much I love limericks! Best of luck with your new business.
You hoped I would break
when you strung me along
you thought that you mattered
but you were so wrong.
You allowed me to see
your whole life is an act
you’ve never loved
and that is a fact.
You strung me along
to keep all my money
but that told me all
about you and your honey.
She’s stupid and shallow
she’s all about “meeee”
you got stuck with a loser
but I became free.
When you broke my heart
I stood up to fight
For my life and my work,
My home and my might.
You’ll never get back
what you threw away
I am so happy
and you’ll pay and pay.
NICE!
“When you broke my heart, I stood up to fight, For my life and my work, My home and my might”
Love these lines so much!!!
Chump Cards! Brilliant! You are on a winner there. There must be a massive untapped market for these.
Fear not. I’m going to do Chump Cards. Just bought the domain name.
🙂
YESSSSS! Awesome!
Perfect fit with your original cartoons… You are gonna rock this!
I think you also need a TV show. Dang, pitch it to the OWN network. You would have endless guests, could host experts, and other authors, and extra brownie points – the cheater would be nationally outed!
And the dating site too! You have an empire in the making!
What a way to turn the tide of our ever promiscuous society.
Ooooooh, I actually *really* like the idea of a Chump dating site, and I would definitely sign up for that. I’m “back out there” 11+ months after leaving my POS X, and I must say I’m finding the process both empowering and illuminating. For any of you older Chumps wondering if it’s ‘too late,’ believe me, it’s not! At 50, I’m getting a lot more responses now than I did 5 years ago when I first went online and met the aforementioned POS X. Prior to him I’d never been cheated on, so some of the red flags that are now so apparent totally passed me by then. Of course, now I have a much clearer sense of what I am (and am not) looking for, and the whole thing is about fixing my picker and being authentic. But, wouldn’t it be awesome to understand from the get-go that, hey, this person *gets it*? Wouldn’t it save so much precious time and energy just to be able to trust implicitly that the people you’re potentially considering have been through the wringer themselves and therefore aren’t likely to be selfish, entitled, narcissistic assholes? I’m not suggesting laziness or abdicating responsibility for us Chumps who are getting our mojo back, but seriously. I think you could be sitting on a potential goldmine, in both a financial and ethical sense.
Like!!
You ROCK, CL!!!
And the Nation is so creative, you’ll never run out of sources for material!
You have attracted some of the most kind, loving, caring, resourceful, creative and beautiful people to this very healing place!
I will never have enough words or time to thank you and the Nation for the strength I have gotten from ALL of you!
Forge on, precious ones…..ForgeOn!!!
❤
Chump dating site is definitely the way to make money with your brilliant blog, CL! According to all the internet marketing gurus I read, membership sites are the hot blog business these days. And a chump dating site? I’d HAPPILY pay money for that. What does match.com charge? You’d offer so much more value! A dating site that’s just about cheater-free!!!! What a blessing that would be! Please charge for it, seriously; non-chumps would be less likely to take advantage that way. I have no intention of paying for dating sites, but yours I would in a heartbeat. Plus I want to contribute to what you’re doing here. This place saved my life and gave me sanity when every other voice in my life — even my therapist and my family — was batshit crazy.
Back to the post subject — I’m so tempted to buy a stack of mistress cards for my STBX, but I don’t want to waste money on that. Anyway, hopefully he’ll go down quietly and sign the settlement I’m about to offer, so he won’t have much time to use them.
Problem is cheaters are sick fuckers who would get off on banging a chump. How do you weed that shit out? I read an article this weekend about how cheaters are 3.5 times more likely to cheat in the next relationship and chumps are 3.5 times more likely to be re-chumped. Chump dating needs a big old FIX YOUR PICKER FIRST disclaimer. Decency wouldn’t keep cheaters out. It would be an extra sparkly challenge for them.
There should be a monthly subscription fee and also a requirement to share your chump story in your application to join. Or something like that. Wouldn’t be foolproof but would weed out a lot. Most cheaters are too lazy to go to the effort of making up a whole story and pay money just for the privilege of potentially dating a chump. There are plenty of dating sites that don’t try to screen members.
You’re excuse
For your cheating
Made no sense
Had no meaning
You weren’t happy?
You were practically forced?
Well, no I am unhappy
I want a divorce.
well now I am unhappy
Not “no”, “now”. doh
and the meter works better with “I’m unhappy” rather than “I am”. sorry. I tried.
Arghh and “Your” not “You’re”.
The edited version:
Your excuse
For your cheating
Made no sense,
Had no meaning.
You weren’t happy?
You were practically forced?
Well, now I’m unhappy
I want a divorce.
everyone is so brilliant!! thanks for making me laugh.
Chumplady as usual your posts are priceless. This site is a breath of fresh air, completely absolving us, the chumps of the world, from cowering in front of the injustice the cheaters in our lives have committed. No sappy forgiveness and reconciliation bullshit narratives here. Love the fact that Chumplady tells it like it is and in the process helps us boot the bastard to the curb once and for all and reclaim our own sense of self-respect.
Marriage Therapist, haven’t you heard?
People of character
They keep their word
Don’t go to bars for trash to do
Thereby flushing their marriages down the loo.
Love this!
Dear Other Woman
It seems you won out
You’ve got my man
but you’d better watch out.
You’ve created a vacancy
for a new other woman
You’d better get ready
You’ll soon have to move on.
Rub a dub dub
My husband’s a schlub
And the other woman’s a sleaze.
They hid and they lied
I found out and I cried.
Adios, I’m taking my leave.
I love love love this!!!
The original version of that Mother Goose rhyme always weirded me out:
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub?
OK, this is getting really kinky.
Mother Goose, in general, is kind of creepy 🙂
Creepy? What’s creepy about “Wee Willie Winky runs through the town/Upstairs and downstair in his nightgown..”?
Yeah, I am pretty sure they lock you up if you run around tapping on windows and such at night asking about people’s children.
Between Mother Goose and Grimm’s Fairy Tales, it’s surprising anybody turns out well adjusted 🙂
You guys are totally cracking me up! On an evening I needed cracking up.
My Ex’s middle name is William. So, well, it really fits.
“Wee Willie Winky,
Runs through the town.
Reading up on Craig’s List
For gals who sleep around.
Didn’t find a kinky pal,
Had to take a trip.
Then he landed Dr. Hoe,
Now he’s in the shit.”
Love this!
Oh, and it’s blog posts like these, with all the creativity of Chump Nation, that make me really wish we had a “Like” button!
The answer on how to monetize the site has appeared: chump cards.com Brilliant!
And of course, not limited to just fidelity chumps- you’ve got many other flavors of chumps to card.
With CL’s cartoons and the wit of thousands… this is going to be a hit, and very newsworthy as well.
Happy for The Nation!
The really amazing thing is that they actually say that stuff inside!!! It sounds like something you made up ChumpLady, but it’s not.
What I love about these cards – one more way to catch a cheater and prove they were cheating.
You always thought you were all that and a bag of chips
And you finally settled on your perfect dip
You’ve made your bed
Go on and wonder till you’re dead
How I left a cheater, and gained a much better life instead!
Two beers have made me wax poetic!
You declared that you loved
your girlfriend
Yet were still shocked that our marriage
would end
My self esteem stays intact
You’re a narcissistic asshole in fact
Just another magnificent liar who can
no longer pretend
These awful greeting cards remind me of Anne Taintor without the snark. I have a mug with “He had wasted enough of her precious time” which is discontinued, but here are a couple of chumpy slogans
http://www.annetaintor.com/captions/low-expectations-mean-everyone-ends-up-happy/
http://www.annetaintor.com/captions/she-could-no-longer-pretend-that-he-wasnt-an-idiot/
http://www.annetaintor.com/captions/why-id-be-delighted-to-put-my-needs-last-again/
Hey CL, how about cheater gifts as well as greeting cards.
A cheater vanity kit:
a cracked mirror edged with sparkles
cheater perfume or cologne….eau de merde
Secret cell phone plan, ring tone of fart
Notice how the mistress greeting cards have Varga girls as their models? If you want reality, my X’s skank is bleach blonde, dresses twenty years too young and two sizes too small. Oh, and she’s cross-eyed to boot.
Not sure how that would sell, but I guess all cheaters think they’re hot.
My ex’s Owife looks like a Shar pei. Poor bitch!
I think my two shar-peis are beautiful, but… we don’t have that kind of relationship 😉
Yes, those faces look great on dogs! lol But on a person, not so much. I have a feeling your pups are smarter too! Don’t they love with their whole hearts? 😉 I suspect my ex and his new Owife simply aren’t that deep either….
My x’s o/w seriously has a horse face. I wish I could post it here. And she never smiles, even holding her grandchild.
You beat me to it, ChutesandLadders. Exactly what I was thinking.
Ain’t that the truth. His longest term skank looked like she crawled out from under a bottle of black hair dye.
Okay, here’s one—
At first I went crazy
While watching your acts
Then became tearful
Upon seeing the facts
The mistress
The “hostess”
There were probably more
No wonder you’d treat me
Like some kind of whore
You’ve gotten your thrills
While stabbing my back
I’m over my ills
I’m starting to pack
We’re finished
It’s over
I’m done with this shit
Talk to my lawyer
It’s time that we split!
This is great! 🙂
🙂
There was once a good wife of “virtue”
Who thought that her cheating wouldn’t hurt you
When asked for her creed she said “I’m LMFT’d”
Her motto became “I want to do you!”
Oh, how about a “parting shot” gift basket?
*a condom (for next time)
*a 10-day course of penicillin (for last time)
*packet of laundry soap (to wash the damned sheets!)
*a bottle of champagne (for Xm-i-l)
So do the folks at Ashley Madison hold stock in this card company? Good grief.
Our life you would rearrange
For a trashy piece of strange
Then defended her honor
So I was a-goner
and gifted with genital mange
I guess my philandering ex is a Wooster —
When I I.D.’d his slut and named where he seduced her,
All he could say is “What Ho?”
I guess that must make me a pirate.
AYE Matey!
Yo Ho!
Let the joyous news be spread! The wicked old witch is in his bed!
How ’bout a card that looks like a classic ‘thank you’ on the front–you know, with fancy large font that says something like:
“For all you’ve done….” on the front and then, on the inside:
(a hand flipping the bird)
“Thanks, asshole!”
Front: “You can blame ME”
Inside: “But YOU’RE still guilty”
Front: “You said you’re sorry”
Inside: “You’re RIGHT!”
I loved this. Simple, beautiful and elegant…
With a lovely backlash. The perfect card for a NPD cheater
I felt really sad
when I found out my husband had had
sex with more men than me
thank God now I’m free
We each shared a pedestal of spunk
Until you shared your junk
Easy pickings come along, my best fiend-
Gold digger and unclean.
The wives who’s husbands stray
Have the option of making him pay
But when men get cheated on
It’s not just his family but his money that’s gone
Getting raped twice while she gets to play.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Our divorce laws are criminal
And our family courts too.
Totally agree, Alyosha!
One of my brothers and also a nephew have had to deal with this. It is so disgusting! (All while being told ‘get over it / get on with your life / you are better off without her anyway’!)
I love that you likened it to rape, as the double pain and injustice is just that bad!
And it usually ends up that the ex-w is using the support money all on herself, so Dad ends up still buying the children most everything they need, so he is often paying twice the support!!
Hugs to you…….
PS: Love your poem!!
In my case that is bullshit, I’m the one who had to pay my ex husband out the ass. Plenty of women on this blog got taken to the cleaners after being cheated on. Losing your money really shouldn’t be compared to rape, it’s not even close.
Agreed. Betrayal by an asshole is not reserved to one gender. To make it a male versus female issue misses the real issue – self-entitled narcissists, who delight in exploiting the goodness of others. Woman bashing is one of my major red flags!
Please cite an an example of “woman bashing” on my part.
Inability to present an argument without being dishonest is a huge red flag for me.
In the VAST majority of the cases, men make more than women (95%+) and end up paying when their wives cheat. Your exception does nothing to disprove the general rule or the assertion that the divorce laws are criminal. If you got fleeced because your husband cheated, I would think you would agree.
Alyosha, that is undoubtedly sometimes true, but there are plenty of men who financially devastate their wives before dumping them, or afterwards, believe me.
Not if you are the successful lady spouse…
The cards’ wordind and the idea behind this is pretty sick. As a visual artist and a fan of Gil Elvgren’s paintings, I wonder if they sought permission to use his work for this crap?
A dog turd, a dog turd
I married a dog turd
All covered with sprinkles and fluff.
A dog turd, a dog turd
I’m divorcing a dog turd
And I’ll get to keep all his stuff.
😀
OK, I have to admit I have a problem with acceptance. Even today, I still feel shock at the Asslee Muddyson commercials. Right between Right Guard deodorant and a McDonald’s happy meal, there she is – no shame at all – a sultry voice and figure encouraging us to trash the kids’ meal for the Adult. OMG, it really pisses me off. It seems like the rest of the world thinks it’s just fine, what’s the problem . . . acceptable.
The greeting cards make me want to retch. Aren’t they cute and old-fashioned? Fuck you. I have a son with a broken heart and a life that’s been ripped apart. No new school clothes for him. His face when I tell him there is no money to school shop? Put that on a card, asshole.
On a lighter note, I’ve long been an advocate of ChumpLady greeting cards. You go, girl!
Why buy a card, look for the pen to address it, call girlfriend to see what her address is, put on a stamp, and wait 3 days for her reaction, when you can just text her a photo of your junk?
*snort!*
“…when you care enough to send the very best….”
(Except H-mark doesn’t cater to the sleazeball crowd)
woops–meant to add: cheaters, of course, will go to the extra trouble for their schmoopies.
yeah, if you’ve seen one junk shot, you’ve seen em all…….
yeah, about those ‘junk shots’…
Eeewwww. Just eewwwwwwwwwwww!
Yep….can’t see Uncle Daddy spending the $$$$ on an ecard or paper card to all his lady loves…since he is cheap AND has the attention span of a gnat.
Here’s my contribution, CL:
(Outside)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue…
(Open to the inside…)
Why send a card
When a dick pic will do!
(Complete with a big bouquet of photo shopped penises 🙂
LOL!! Love it!
Congrats on the new venture, CL!
I’d like to place a request for a line of thank you notes. Right after his relapse/subsequent abandonment/immediate impregnation of the Last OW, my former mother-in-law told me that someday I will thank him for removing himself from my life.
I was raised to send thank you notes to acknowledge gifts….but it might be hard for me to find the exact right words for this oddly wrapped gift.
I’d also be interested in seeing what you have in stock that would help me thank her for helping me lose a cheater and gain a life.
This is quite fun!
He’s a bucket of slime.
But he thinks he’s fine.
When the Judge said it’s time, to pay the price for the wine & dine, he began to whine.
He no longer has a dime, but a $40,000 FINE!
And oh yeah, it’s ALL MINE!
Good luck standing in the bread line…
You’re ugly and dumb,
Need I say more?
Oh yes! There’s a word for it –
You are a whore!
****
You fucked my husband
Whilst he was married to me
I’ll get checks forever
‘Cause whore fucking’s not free.
****
Survivor; great one with perfect tempo! (and glad you got him where it hurts!)
I once sent this card which may not be mean enough, but there was a card company that used to put cards like this. (years & years ago 80’s) I sent it to an ex-girlfriend who I shared a storage locker with when I left a State out West (Colorado) to moved to Florida. Several months later when I decided to stay here I spent $900.00 to have my stuff shipped, and she gave them all kinds of garbage & kept my stuff. Clothes, furniture & family stuff. About a year later I had someone send this card from Denver when they were passing through, so she would always wonder where it came from.
On the front it said “We are complete opposites”
Inside it said “I’m a horse’s head”
I liked it even though it is not venomous, because it came across like “meh.”
Love this site