Chump Lady Gets a Letter

Narcissist Goldfish

If you ever wonder why I do what I do, why I keep writing about infidelity long, long after it ceased to be relevant to my life, why I’m still mad about the “support” out there for chumps, and where the anger that fuels my snark comes from? It’s letters like this. This writer beautifully express the entire chump trajectory. I wanted to share it with you guys. Instead of just getting all misty and sniffly by myself.

Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady,

Some day, I will tell you how I gave birth to my baby girl 48 hours after finding disgusting sexts on my husband’s cell phone;

Some day, I will tell you about the “work” trips to Denver, Hawaii, New Zealand, and Las Vegas;

Some day, I will tell you how many days and nights I solo-parented my two-year old son while pregnant with my daughter, how we were up for four nights with the flu;

Some day, I will tell you about the Craigslist ads, and the Match.com account, and the conferences in Minneapolis and New Orleans;

Some day, I will tell you how much money I spent on relationship books on Amazon and private investigators, and how much time I spent reading his sick emails;

Some day, I will tell you about the random woman who ended up with my husband’s phone and became the first person to learn that my baby had a heartbeat;

Some day, I will tell you about the chocotini recipes my husband diligently researched for another woman while I was putting my toddler to bed;

Some day, I will tell you how scary it is to get STD tested while pregnant;

Some day, I will tell you about leaving my new baby at home every Wednesday night to go to marriage counseling;

Some day, I will tell you about the living room curtains that were way, way too long, and, of course, a legitimate reason for cheating on one’s wife;

Some day, I will tell you about a married man who doesn’t think to use condoms and tests positive for herpes;

Some day, I will tell you how many cans of spackle I used when my husband had sex with another woman while we were in marriage counseling;

Some day, I will tell you about the broken dishes, and the dry cleaning in the bathtub with spaghetti sauce, and the other evidence of my rage;

Some day, I will tell you how many times my mother-in-law insisted that “marital difficulties” were to blame for my baby’s STD exposure;

Some day, I will tell you how much time I spent finding just the right individual therapist and how hard I worked to make the counseling appointments convenient for my husband;

And some day, I may even tell you about having my baby girl tested for HIV and herpes.

But today, I will tell you how I filed for divorce;

How I read Chump Lady every day and recognized all of the patterns in the playbook.

And finally understood that this goldfish would never knit me a sweater.

How I found my voice and redirected my energy;

And how good it felt to hand him the papers, a feeling I’ll never forget — on my daughter’s first birthday.

I don’t know what my life will look like, but I am proud and excited to find out.

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Nola
Nola
9 years ago

This could be written by me! Thank you for giving me courage on a day that I don’t particularly feel courageous.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Nola

My thoughts exactly. I cried before I came to work because I still feel so sad after my husband left me almost two years ago. I sometimes think I will never, ever get over what he did to me. Leaving me for another woman really makes you have no self worth.

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Maria, it does get better. My exH, my high school sweetheart, left me and the kids for a woman 12 yrs younger than me (and started a family before either divorce was finalized!). We had been together for 23 years.
I am 2.5 yrs out, and this week found myself humming in the hallways at work.
His loss, not mine. My life is awesome.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Thank you. I need to see this. We were together 21 years. Is he still with her? How can he be happy and not feel guilty about what he done and lives his life so carefree? I always wish they would break up because he doesn’t deserve to do what he has done to me.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Maria, the tears will stop in due course. There is no given time frame but one day you will notice that you will think if him and you won’t have a tear in your eyes. I won’t say that the sadness will leave at the same time but take each day as it comes. You are not alone dear girl. I was married for 37 years and have known the ex for 45 years and when he pulled the plug I literally wanted to die, in fact I was planning to. I am way past that feeling now and my life is really very very nice and your’s will be too.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

How long has it been since he left Maree?

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Divorced for 2 years now Maria but he mentally checked out long before then and I never noticed because I was too busy being a wife and a mum. I was a fool but I did love him very much and I thought we had a lovely and unique family. You see right up until he pulled the plug, he was telling me how he could never live without me and how much he adored me. I have to say I didn’t really believe him. A red flag moment and there were way too many to mention. Our family has been destroyed because our 2 adult kids do not speak to me any more. It has all turned into a real mess.
PS – Because I loved him so much to survive I had to learn to unloved him. I have managed to do that and I think that could be the reason I have survived all of his betrayals.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

He doesn’t deserve any happiness after what he has done to me. Sorry about that crazy sounded sentence.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

We all need to hear this, thanks!

betrayedfriend
betrayedfriend
9 years ago

Wow! Such a Powerful letter. Wish her the best, we will be right here for her.
She is Mighty!

Thank you CL, keep up the good work!

Chumpectomy
Chumpectomy
9 years ago

sniff. welling-up. A beautiful letter.

Tracy, I wonder if a next step is to have a fund for chumps to get our lives back together, particularly people with young children, or living in their cars or unable to pay rent or lawyers fees.

Perhaps we can take a survey on what chumps wished they had or the worst scenarios that chumps found themselves in and what they needed and need…Perhaps some of the wealthy chumps and help those poor? A national/international recommended therapist list? A national/international recommended lawyer list?

I am open to brainstorming. I am not sure how we would do this online and with all the crazy in my life (I am editing the final draft of my divorce contract in mediation and just now interviewing lawyers—way overdue) but I am up for trying.

I am a decent grant writer, fundraiser and researcher.

MGirontree
MGirontree
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Chumpectomy, that is a great idea.

PlainChump
PlainChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

We need “fault divorces” where cheaters and other women get to pay BACK what they’ve stolen! At the very least financially…

Annabella
Annabella
9 years ago
Reply to  PlainChump

I agree. My ex 35 left me for a 23 yr old. He has a high paying career and she has a trust fund. They live the high life, beautiful house, cars, etc. While Im barely make it. Now he wants custody of our children.

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  Annabella

So basically, spoilt brat princess with fucktard?
Fight for your kids with everything you have and tell him to get fucked.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  PlainChump

I agree that there should be consequences. This is severe abuse and a crime.

Dan
Dan
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

I know this is just fanciful thinking but, financial consequences assumes that the cheater is the main earner and that somehow a money-related penalty will provide compensation justice.

For me, there’s no peace in that. She will never replace my lost of a career-job, loss of respect (man-can’t-keep-his-woman nonsense), or self-worth. Going after the men in her life? Not a chance.

No, I may want justice but life shows us over and over again, it has no natural or man-made mechanisms for meting out real justice.

The more effective approach is with public awareness and education. I heartily agree with CL’s, “I think the biggest thing we can do is tell our stories and work to change the narrative around infidelity.” That works!

The baser levels of my being certainly disagree with such a level-headed approach but base-behaviour is the real enemy.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Dan

I do think that cheaters who divert family assets for an affair or who leave the household taking income necessary to sustain it need to pay support. They should not be able to leave spouse and children, of either gender, hanging financially and then drag their feet and file for full custody or 50/50 custody in order to avoid paying child support. Divorce reform brought about “no fault,” which was a reaction to the shaming difficulties that accompanied divorce in the old days, when one party had to appear in court and say terrible things about the either to end a marriage that may have just been dead but not acrimonious. Divorce reform, round #2, could revive “fault” divorce in cases of infidelity, abandonment or financial shenanigans. Such a category could also provide more custody protection for fathers whose wives cheat and then want to take full custody of the kids. There’s no way to avoid selfish or narcissistic people gaming the system, but a betrayed spouse needs more protection than the law currently provides.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

So true, LaJ

Bud
Bud
9 years ago
Reply to  Dan

I like the idea of public awareness. I have often times wished I could send a letter to the editor anonymously writing about not only the evil of adultery but even more about those that don’t take a stand against it.

If I did win the Lottery I would love to figure out a way to help those that are in need of a lawyer retainer.

Better yet I wish the DA would have the balls to punish the cheater and the Adultery Partner.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Dan

Dan, I agree. I probably should have said, “I wish there were consequences.” Cheaters would say they are paying if they are splitting their IRAs and 401Ks, etc., but that’s not the same.

I think public awareness and education (as you said) is the way to go. If we had known then, what we know now, our lives would have turned out differently.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

I would love to work on a foundation like that, and also have marketing, grant writing, educational counseling experience and drive. Volunteering would be my honor.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

a sort of a Kick (in the ass to the Cheater) Starter Campaign?

I do grants & research too–would be more than happy to collaborate. I do not have an institutional home, however.

Tina
Tina
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Oh my goodness, my lucky day?

Psychopaths are impaired neurologically, and (like drug users) are not fit for positions of leadership. Testing needs to be implemented.

I need help fundraising for first USA, (then later, global) psychopathy awareness effort I’m trying to launch solo. I will need to make a non-profit org eventually,b ut I am hindered by PTSD breakdowns. Although I am okay much of the time, I can’t keep proper records. This is where I’m at right now, trying to spread the word with this message:

Dear Concerned Citizens, Let’s Stop Voting for Psychopaths! But, How?? EDUCATION: http://crowdfund.geneticpsycho.com

Do you have resources to share?
Thank you,
Tina

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Tina

Hi Tina,
I am very much interested in this subject. I have been reading everything I can about psychopaths and have wondered what to do to avoid one in the future. My therapist keeps telling me that a psychopath is someone who criminal. I disagree. I think many of political leaders are psychopaths and anyone such as my husband and others here who can lead a double life for an extended period of time with no guilt should be labled as psychopaths. Let me know if I can help.

KarenE
KarenE
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

If your therapist thinks all psychopaths are criminals, you have an incredibly ignorant and ill-educated therapist. It’s well known that a fairly large proportion of successful people, especially in fields like finance, law and politics, are psychopaths, And the proportion of narcissists (equally wounding, however less ruthless!) is scarily higher. And you can find friendly-neighbourhood-psychopaths pretty much anywhere. Only the DUMB ones end up in jail, or the ones who end up over-confident (right Bernie Madoff and Enron?),

Chumpectomy
Chumpectomy
9 years ago

Perhaps some of the wealthy chumps can help those who are poor, rather.

Solost
Solost
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Chumpectomy… I was thinking the same thing the other day! See I am still stuck in this marriage because I don’t have the lawyer fees. Because of course all our money disappeared during his affair? But anyway I told myself once I get out and get on my feet I want to do something to help others like me…there has to be a way!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Solost

Many domestic relations attorneys provide a free consultation. Take advantage of that. You might find an attorney that allows you to pay over time. Talk to someone who is good with money to help you figure out what assets you may be overlooking. For example, even though I am nearing retirement age, I tapped my retirement fund to take care of some of the financial issues that resulted from Jackass walking away with money and from commitments. If you have a term insurance policy on your life, you may be able to borrow on it. You may have gold jewelry that can be sold in today’s market for considerable amounts. I sat down with my banker to talk about the equity in the house; she was a huge help. And my therapist? Financial whiz. I also did part-time work to raise some cash. If you need to end your marriage, money does not need to be the only thing keeping you there. I had no idea how I was going to manage this house and property without a second income, but here I am a year later, doing very well. I’m not rolling in dough, but I am happy and solvent, even though I am taking on more work than I would like at my age. You can do it, too, if it’s what’s best for you (and any kids you might have.)

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Solost

I think helping with lawyer’s fees is a great idea. It’s why I haven’t started my divorce yet. I’m not sure how a foundation could work it out to where you are certain the money isn’t just “thrown away” if a spouse goes back to a cheater.

Chumpectomy
Chumpectomy
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Yes!! Our stories are vital for changing the conversation on cheating!

My mother offered to help me with legal fees but it is so hard to take money from her because she is old and needs it. It would be so ideal to have a funding source for legal fees to help chumps.

Tina, I looked at your fundraising site and the list identifying how psychopaths act and the video explaining who they are are very helpful. It’s an important project. In terms of grants, it may be about calling this domestic abuse prevention and looking for grants that seek to prevent domestic abuse. These grants may be a good first inquiry.

http://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence (see grants programs on the side)
http://nnedv.org/downloads/Other/ACF_FAQs.pdf

This looks potentially helpful for women seeking a lawyer’s help:

http://www.womenslaw.org/

I know your project is a larger societal one Tina, there must be a grant for it out there. I also wonder if you can hold a parlor meeting for people with wealth and do a presentation. One thing is to demonstrate how much money you need and how exactly you will spend it. A formal grant is useful that way because you are asked to give a specific plan and how you will meet your goals.

Funding the lawyers fees of 10 victims of domestic fraud/cheating for example would be a great goal. It would mean explaining how cheating falls under domestic abuse (physical, financial and emotional harm to spouse and children by controlling with lies).

Having a list of lawyers who understand how to represent chumps is so important. I spoke with lawyers who told me I could never get residential custody because even though my ex would leave the house every night telling our child that he would be home “later” after picking a fight with himself (I would stand there silently watching him yell at me for something inane) —then go out and drink telling me he was at “work” while I was left having to answer “where is daddy?” repeatedly—-One lawyer told me that ex could easily argue that he wanted to escape me (!) but if he had to care for our child he would of course never leave for the night to drink! (?) So there are a lot of family lawyers out there who are not good advocates.

I spoke with someone today that may be different. If she is good I will tell her name.

I will keep my eyes open for grants too! There are so many, there must be one for chumps to pay our lawyers fees. Not everyone has friends or family with money to lend.

I am realizing that I needed a lawyer from the start rather than go through mediation—I took the cheaper route because I had no money—was a mistake for me. Now I will borrow from family.

Tina
Tina
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

Thank you, Chumpectomy, for pointing me to resources. I am just lumbering along for now. Even though I am a Chump Extraordinaire, I am not aiming my campaign at domestic violence cases. All people will benefit. I aim to bring psychopaths out of the closet in general, and in particular – to purge them from government and leadership.

I have this page bookmarked so I can get in contact with the hopeful volunteers. I have to admit, I no longer have organizational abilities. I lost so much of my brain to the twisted reality my exH put me through. Basically, he murdered me. With no consequences. So, the little bit I’m doing now may not expand further.

Thank you for being so supportive here, everyone.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpectomy

[well, if we had a decent social welfare network in the U.S., private donations would not be necessary. Alas.]

When I was doing research into 19th century Insane Asylums, I found in the census records that many–many! of the women were there because they had been abused, and abandoned. Imagine if your only choices were an insane asylum, or living with an abusive spouse, possibly violent….?

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

I wonder what options err available for the abused men, seeing as how domestic abuse is just as prevalent against men.

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Wow. That is both fascinating and awful.

Jess
Jess
9 years ago

This sounds like my life – I am 4 months from D-Day….My husband of 20 years took on 2 new woman that he met on internet while I was pregnant (they keep coming out of the woodwork, so I don’t know how many women in total over the 20 years).

The day I found out (my youngest was 3), I asked if he used condoms…he said no they looked clean. WTF. When I talked to him (now I am no contact except for kids) – I told him he had no regard for mine or his daughters life – he didn’t get it. He will never get it. But I am glad to say I get it, and he no longer in my life.

Still feel like I am living a Lifetime movie – But I am hoping the end of the horrible movie is coming with the final scene in my divorce hearing this winter…

Tina
Tina
9 years ago

It’s time to stop feeding kindergarten children myths such as “Everybody has feelings”. Ignorance is not bliss.

TED-Ed Lesson “What is a psychopath?” https://www.facebook.com/GeneticPsycho/posts/785259954859048

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  Tina

Agreed. We need to stop being afraid of telling the truth. Bad people do exist but there are things you can look for to spot them.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

And when people say, “Don’t be judgmental” or “I don’t want to be judgmental” we need to speak up and say, “Why not?”

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

I don’t know that they are that easy to spot unless you know what to look for it – and the only way you get that through the experience of being locked in a closet with them. Before that, it’s hard to conceive that these people could actually exist. I mean, you know they are out there somewhere, you just never, ever expect to see one.

The biggest problem is that you have to be intimately involved with them, because they can seem quite charming and normal to friends and acquaintances. They go unnoticed because a) people are so naive and b) they are GOOD at what they do.

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  Einstein

Off the top of my head:

Their actions don’t match their words
Frequent boundary pushing
They don’t do reciprocity
Lack empathy
Often times, they’ll just tell you straight up. “I’m a narcissist…hahahaha” (That really did happen to me. Date from hell.) “I’m a dirty dog.” –Mike Tyson

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Jackass: “I live in my own head.”

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

thats a good list but the problem is that they do all the right things, say all the right things in the beginning and are so convincing that you believe them. and everything on your list happens so slowly you dont even regonize it is happening until you look back and think how many times “their actions dont match their words”, They push boundary or dont reciprocate, lacking empathy sneaks up on you.

even when they tell you over and over who they really are, we dont see it as that, looking back i dont know how many times my XH told me he was a loser, that he is just a fuk up, that i dont deserve him or he messes up everything good in his life. Every time he said it we were going thru some issue or event that he put into motion, and i would always say “your not a loser, your not a fuck up, you just made a mistake, you just made a really bad decision. we will get thru this. you are a good person, you are a good husband, you are a good daddy, just because you got ANOTHER DWI doesnt mean you are bad. we will make. i will stand by you. blah blah puk”

i asked all the right questions (or i thought i did) while we were dating. i made it clear what i wanted out of life and how i intended to live my life. (own a house, stable environment for children, daddy who will stay and help and guide the children, i wanted them to have a better life then mine, a man who will fix shit around house and take care of yard, house vehicles, a man who supported me and appreciated me and loved me thru good times and bad times and even gave examples of what i thought would be upcoming bad times) i pulled no punches with my XH when we were dating. even told him if he couldnt step up he needed to leave me now. dont step up if you dont intend to do these things. he agreed with me, told me what he wanted (ironically so much like my own list but with enough differences i didnt notice), promised to never give up and would always be faithful (no cheating was on my list too)

and i thought we were made in heaven for each other. it didnt happen over night. it happened over 14 years. and even then i was so caught up in the “we can fix it” mode, just another bump in the road we need to smooth and fix. and lots of married couples have these issues, this is normal married life. that i couldnt see the HUGE red flags he was waving all over my face, my house, my yard, out the back of his truck.

i also believe that he BELIEVED he wanted those things too. he just couldnt put in the WORK needed to get the job done, he twisted so much shit to me that he got confused himself on what was really important. and of course he strayed so often from the original path, he finally lost his way. meanwhile, i hardly devated from the path, i was focused on the goal that i erroneously thought we were both working for. i patiently redirected his mistakes, forgiving his fuckups, supported his damaged ego, and loved him unconditionally with all his fault, bad points, and childhood damage.

it took me a long long long time to finally figure out he didnt want the same thing as i did, so i compromised on a lot of things in the effort to “work with him” and all for what? now me and the kids are paying the price for trusting and believing in him while he wipes the slate clean and starts all over with someone else?

what could i have done differently? how much more could i comprise my morals, values and integrity? how could i not trust him? how could i have forseen that he would bail out after all the effort we both put into our life, our marriage, our children. i was blindsided by this. i am not sure HE even knew what was going on. life has a way of throwing curve balls when you least expect it. i thought he loved us enough to fight for us and choose to do the right thing as he had before. when and how was i sappose to know it got too hard, too boring, too whatever?

and that is why they suck.

dimestore rat
dimestore rat
9 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

YES. It is hard to see when you’re in the midst of it. Because even when I tried to set a boundary, he would *immediately* test it. If I stood firm, he would find the loophole and work the “benefit of the doubt” angle.

I now realize that if I am constantly being pushed to give the benefit of the doubt; if setting a boundary is too exhausting because it is so much work to enforce it; if he lies right away in the courtship and then “confesses” the lie as a demonstration of his honesty and trustworthiness; if he says all the right things and seems like a perfect match, HE’S NOT.

If I find myself believing the fantasy, it’s time to step back and re-examine.

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

I hear you; it’s hard to see. It takes Time and Clear Eyes (ie, no spackle) to see people for who they are; not who you want them to be. It’s not an easy skill set to master, especially if you were never taught.

One thing about the School of Hard Knocks–you never forget those lessons. You learn them well or face repeating the course again. So here’s something I learned while I was “at university”:

“what could I have done differently? how much more could i compromise my morals, values and integrity?”

Lesson #1: Good people don’t expect you to twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate them. They don’t want you to suffer at their expense and they don’t turn a blind eye to it either. Users, abusers and con artists like that kind of shit. Not good people.

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Lesson #2: When someone shows me they aren’t Good People, I put them on the outside of my life. Immediately.

This is a really, really tough one for me. I’m very good at accommodating and tolerating bad behavior. Plus, I don’t want to be alone. I’ve had to cut a lot of people. It hurts to cut them out……but it hurts less then tolerating their shitty behavior. I feel stronger for having done it.

And if I’m fortunate, discerning and intentional about it, perhaps those vacancies will be filled with Good People. That’s my hope and my goal, anyways.

Lioness
Lioness
9 years ago

Why do these mindfucks even bother getting married?
Oh ! and just how many are there out in the real world??

Lisah
Lisah
9 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

I read recently that one in one hundred is ….

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

My XH said he married me because he has “trouble disappointing people.” No trouble devastating someone’s life though, I guess.

Rebecca
Rebecca
9 years ago

Tracy,
That letter, with different details, represents what Chump Lady means to every one of us here in Chump Nation.
A safe place to read and vent, inspire and be inspired.
We all know why you do what you do…for us!
Thank you.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

Thank you for sharing that letter, CL. I am grateful for Chump Lady. This blog is an island of sanity in a world gone cheating mad!

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago

a world that has gone cheating mad. lacks integrity and puts self before the needs, wants and desires of other people. YOLO, do what makes you happy, life is too short to be miserable, i hate all those sayings. they make it okay to give up, to place blame on other people and to walk away from your responsiblities

Bud
Bud
9 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

Here here!

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago

Amen!

Kelli
Kelli
9 years ago

Your letter gives me goosebumps, and your mightiness takes my breath away!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago

Whatever our particular set of circumstances, we can all identify with the abject horror and hint of eventual triumph expressed in this letter. Getting so choked up after reading this and my hugs and love are being sent through the “interwebs” to this resilient, heroic and mighty Chump.

Tracy, we not only “get” why you continue to do what you do, we thank God and the Universe for the gift of you and what you do. I liken you to the Harriet Tubman for Chumps. There is a quote attributed to Harriet that goes something like “I could have freed thousands more if they had known they were slaves.” You could help thousands more if they knew (and could admit) they were Chumps.

There are few, if any, voices out there who seek to free us from the shackles of Chumpdom. Your voice keeps us focused on that North Star and freedom when so many others tell us how lucky for us to be in the snare of our abusers because plantation life is “safe” and what we know and it’s scary out there running away in the woods. You keep us moving when we see the searchlights, catch glimpses of the “chump catchers” and hear the dogs barking and you help navigate us through the river and across to freedom, even when we don’t know how to swim.

Thank you for your wisdom and thank you for your voice.

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

My feelings exactly, and Harriet Tubman for Chumps, says it all.

There aren’t words to express my gratitude to CL.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Princess, that is beautiful and so very true.

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL you really help a lot of people. Don’t sell yourself short.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Call it whatever you want to call it, CL, you are saving lives and we are grateful. I know it probably sounds absurd to you, but there’s no other way to put it.

Dan
Dan
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Same here ML.

CL, at the risk of swelling your head to gargantuan proportions, you’ve done more for my enlightenment than any other source. Your hard-earned wisdom and viewpoint needs to be expressed in strong vivid words so that they get thru thick heads like mine.

BRAVO!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Dan

Dan, I can’t believe she’s not on the talk show circuit. You’d think they’d be eating this stuff up. (Yet, if she were, she’d be here less).

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

That’s because a lot of the people on the talk show circuit are narcissistic, which CL most certainly is not.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Lania

I think she’d be great on Bill Mahr’s show.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

We’ve all done some stupid shit. In the first few weeks after Dday, I got so freaked out about not eating or sleeping (how would I pay my bills if I couldn’t work?) that I stole some tranquilizers from a nearby clinic. — I could’ve (should’ve!) been arrested! But I got so so lucky. That was rock-bottom for me, and shortly thereafter, I found your forum, and just the validation of my story was enough solid ground for me to start to turn it around. Since then, your posts have provided handhold after handhold as I climb out of the abyss. Stupid shit notwithstanding. Harriet Tubman, indeed.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Trust me CL, if not for you, I might still be operating from a place totally of fear and trying to find my way back to that emotional plantation. While Harriet was a great, incomparable and stunning figure to be sure (one of my true heroes), her motivation to help/save/free others came from her lived experience and her realization that she her life could and should be better and she was determined to make it so. That also describes you. So whatever the environment in which it ultimately had to operate, the foundation that motivated the behavior is similar and you are saving people every day. I know you saved me and you keep me focused on that North Star – and you don’t even have to hold a gun on me and tell me “you’ll be free or die” to keep me going. 😉

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Totally agreed.

Happy Pills
Happy Pills
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Beautifully said!!

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

What a wonderful post Chump Princess. The analogy to slavery, plantation life and freedom is intelligent and spot on!

Liza
Liza
9 years ago
Reply to  ExpatChump

OMG Chump Princess. Yes, yes, yes!

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

Wahh!!!! This could have been written by all of us!

Char
Char
9 years ago

Tracy –
What a grand letter, and what a testimony to what you do and all you have helped through the long slog through Chumpdom/infidelity Hell.

I cannot be as eloquent as the writer, but I want you to know that you – as much as my therapist, my family, my good friends and my children – have played a huge role in righting the ship that is my life. I have waffled, wept occasionally, dreamed at night of hellacious arguments with my douchy ex, and still wake up in the wee hours wondering where my perfect romance went and how could I not have seen that my great love was an icing covered turd of the first order.

When that has happened, I have gone to your blog, reread some of the articles and also many of the comments from all my fellow chumps in the kingdom. And it saves me from myself – from that tiny speck of spackle, sparkle unicorn dreamer who surfaces every so often to tell me that if I were thinner or had liked his asshole best friend more he would have been faithful. Hopium is the most deadly, addictive narcotic for a chump to be strung out on – and like any addict – it takes “a day at a time” to keep from falling off the wagon. You, Tracy, have created a sort of AVA for chumps – Adultery Victims Anonymous. And the steps in the program are not easy, but they work.

You tell the truth – unvarnished, unshaded by “grays”, and if you pardon the pun…unadulterated. Thank you for being there, for supporting me, this writer, and every other friendly chump on this site. You are – quite simply – a lifesaver to me.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

This blog has helped me develop the courage and confidence to tell the truth all the time, about everything, including when people are stepping all over me and my boundaries. It has helped me tell the truth to myself, as well.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

“Hopium is the most deadly, addictive narcotic for a chump to be strung out on – and like any addict – it takes “a day at a time” to keep from falling off the wagon.”

This is so true! Even after everything I still think of things I could have done that might have changed the outcome. I still struggle with feeling like I wasn’t good enough. That’s when I come to CL to turn my thinking around. I don’t know how many years it will take until I can let the past go. 36 years is an awful large chunk of my life.

Chump Change
Chump Change
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Last wednesday would have been my 36 th anniversary… So much time invested. So much history lost in the mind fuck of narcissistic/sociopathic “love”. What gets me every time are the constant triggers of a song, a phrase, a photograph to send the mind on a confusing loop of “was that real?” Or “was that a lie” … “But you guys were Perfect Together” I hear time and time again, as I slowly come to terms with the discovery of not only this affair, but the gradual realization of his serial cheating. Not to mention the financial infidelities… So why does this hurt so much???
Its the lifetime of his lying and the resulting loss of personal my personal and family history that is the haunting price I am continuing to pay. I just hope he will someday face the realization of what his recklessness will cost not only him, but his family’s life for generations to come. He’s an idiot to blow up his life at 65…. i feel like shrapnel.

sodone
sodone
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

CC,
Last month would have been our 25th anniversary, and we were together 5 years as a couple before that. I get the constant triggers as well. I am in the banking industry,
and I see people I know every day. My worst triggers are the old couples holding
hands, and just being there for each other. That’s a horrible trigger where I feel
that should have been us. I look back also and wonder how much was a lie? What
exactly was real? I was, my faith, my love was given genuinely.

I don’t know if they really care about the devastation they have left behind.
His only daughter won’t speak to him, and his family is a wreck. I just think they
focus only on the self gratification they are getting in the moment, and it is easier
for them not to look back and see the hurt they caused.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Chump change, I understand about the loss of your personal history. It’s hard not the have the person I raised my kids with to share memories of their childhood. My ex was a great storyteller and often had us in stitches. Now all those family stories don’t mean the same thing they used to.

Louise
Louise
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

It hurts so much because it mattered to you. You gave your love with honesty and good intentions. The fact that your X did not is on him, not you!

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

36 years is HUGE. I had just shy of 26 years from first meeting to D-day. I think we sometimes are just so hard on ourselves. What do we expect – that we will shake off a relationship timeframe that was the majority of our lives and just “start fresh” with no scars and scabs to occasionally pick at?

“What might have been” truly are the saddest words….but in our cases – we have to understand that this wasn’t fate conspiring against us – it was one very defective unit we were gullible enough to fall in love with and marry. Be kind to yourself when you have those moments – it may be there will always be that tiny, goofball unicorn inside just to stir up trouble – but with Chump Lady’s help – you can put it back in its cage and ignore it’s bleatings! 🙂

Louise
Louise
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I think for many of us who have left long term relationships, it’s not the relationship we want back, it’s the time wasted. I don’t spend alot of time on what ifs, but when I do, it is more about how different my life could have been if I had never met my X. I am one of the fortunate ones, who has built a nice life for myself, but I have lost my desire for “romantic” love. Sometimes I wonder if there was a nice, kind person, who I could have spent my life with, but that just makes me sad and I have to stop thinking about it. I have to consciously decide to choose joy over sadness and that is something I never thought I would have to do. Still, I refuse to become bitter, because then, he really has “won” and I will never allow that to happen!

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  Louise

I have those days, too. Days where I look at young married couples with kids and I wonder what life would’ve been like if I had a true partner, someone who genuinely loved me and cherished the family he had.

Onwards and upwards.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Yes, that’s what I do too. See nice young couples and the husband is supportive and seems to genuinely value his wife and family, and I wonder why I couldn’t have ended up with someone like that. But most the time I believe we each have our own path and this is the one I’m supposed to be on.

kendoll
kendoll
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Sometimes things can appear very different from the outside to how they actually are. People used to say that my wife and I worked great together.

Louise
Louise
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Me, too! I have the most amazing (mostly) grown children, who are smart, kind and so loving to me. It would be great if I could enter this phase of my life with a true partner, but it was not meant to be. I live a very full life, for which I am beyond grateful; a certain melancholic nostalgia remains.

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Louise

Louise – I’m in your spot – I just don’t have any ability or desire for romance at all right at this point. I long for it….but I don’t desire it, which sounds crazy, I know.

I think it’s a case of wait and see – I’m at the age where more children are not in the plan and I sometimes wish I wasn’t such a supporter of the rights of all people to marry, because I’d ideally love to be a “beard” for a wonderful, kind, fun and loving gay man! (Stupid equality for all! LOL!) So now gay men can marry and I lose what could have been my dream gig for Act II in my life! 🙂

But don’t think about how different my life might have been – that’s kind of a self flagellation, IMO. You and I were as smart, kind, committed and loving as we could be – keep those parts of memory and try to eventually separate it from the shit that your ex dumped into the scene. We are better for knowing, better for being free of someone so toxic. Someday we may find love again…but if we don’t – we will still find ways to thrive. Gotta believe it!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Hysterical! But don’t give up hope. There might be some awesome gay guy who’s looking for a gem like you!

Liza
Liza
9 years ago

Thank you Chump Lady. Your work saved another life.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago

Wow, that letter was powerful. Most of those points were my life as well. Trying not to cry right now, since I’m at work.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

Fantastic letter! One we can all relate too…how much time we spent alone, how much time we poured into trying to fix our relationship, how many sacrifices we made for someone who didn’t notice. The Chump journey — as horrible and heart wrenching an experience as it was, finally taught me I was worth my own love and protection.

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

“….finally taught me I was worth my own love and protection.”

A thousand times YES to this!!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Yes–we learn to fall in love not with ourselves and our ego, as a narcissist would, but in love with our “wild and precious lives,” which is all that we really have.

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
9 years ago

“And finally understood that this goldfish would never knit me a sweater.”

Amen sister! That moment is the moment your life begins again.

Thank you to Chump Lady for helping so many reach that moment faster.

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago
Reply to  ThatGirl

took me years to figure out that you CANT teach goldfish to knit much less knit a sweater. i keep holding on to the fact that he could LEARN to love us. i might as well had been trying to teach goldfish to knit.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

If there’s two things I am not “meh” about, then it’s the fact that people treat other people like the writer of this letter was treated, and … the horrible, horrible, chumpy, codependency-reinforcing advice I and others were given when dealing with sick fucks. 🙁

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Well, amen to that, TimeHeals.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago

What a beautiful letter. So strong and mighty!

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago

Speechless. Thanks for sharing.

Critical Defect
Critical Defect
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Problem is, it’s always the chump that writes letters like this. It’s the chump letting go, the chump on a journey of discovery, the chump trying to fit the pieces of their life back together. The biggest problem? It’s the chump still, after everything, missing the cheater and wishing someway, somehow, that the cheater loved them the way the chump does. Still, I realize it is unavoidable when bad things happen to good people.

That’s the beauty of your work CL; your words and your directive help break the suffering from their fog. Better yet? It allows the suffering to forgive themselves.

My cheating, now remarried ex would not and could not express herself in this way. She’s still miffed that I didn’t roll over and allow her to keep wiping her feet on my face. She thinks I ‘hate’, but that’s the plight of the self-absorbed. Not my problem.

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago

yes, that is the biggest problem. that we hope they will snap out of it (whatever it is). i thought i was doing good and dealing with this until i recently found out my XH moved out of town last weekend. no phone calls to see the children and say goodbye. and of course i meant so little to him that moving away without saying a word killed me. i cried all last night, no sleep, forget to eat breakfast and lunch. only ate dinner because i cooked for the kids and i had the shakes. had to actually force the food down my throat because by moving without saying a word , just made one more nail on the coffin that it was truly over. i didnt even realize that there was a part of me STILL hoping that he will realize he loves me, loves the boys, and want his family back so much that he quits using drugs, and would actually put forth the massive, unselfish amount of work it would require to get us back. i guess i was just waiting for him to come crawling back and tell me he fucked up and would do anything to get us back. (and then actually do it) even thou i have been telling myself for MONTHS that i knew he wouldnt, he is not strong enough (weak willed); telling myself he doesnt love me, or want me. that he doesnt really care with examples because you dont do this kind of shit to people you love and care about.

my problem is my heart is silly enough, strong enough and stupid enough to actually FORGIVE HIM for all this shit if he was truly sorry for it. there is a part of me that believes he does love us, that he just got caught up in using drugs to forget his pain and SOMEDAY he will snap and come back. and maybe that will happen some day, but by that time i will on the road to meh. i guess i was hoping he would do it sooner then later. now i realize he will not. and it hurt me all over again.

unavoidable, yes. even when you think you are over it. it comes back and bites you in the ass when you least expect it. God help me. i am a fool

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Yes, our cheaters, many of them narcissists, may be intelligent, but they’re not really able to self-reflect. Why should they? They’re already perfect.

In an odd way I feel honored that I seem to be able to grow and change.

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago

Trust that they suck.

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  ExpatChump

I’m going to second that Expat. This site, more than anything else, gives chumps the assurance they need to trust that the cheaters suck.

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago
Reply to  Einstein

not just that they suck but that you are okay having the twisted, confusing feelings you get because they suck.

heather
heather
9 years ago

Today is my 3 month Divorce Anniversary. I found this blog after my second DDay in a year. It has been a mirror and a life line. Going through infidelity and divorce is such a confusing and self worth sucking process and the letters, experiences, advice, and support that is shared on here is so therapeutic. It has been the most consistent and helpful aspect of my recovery. Thank you, Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  heather

And thank you for being here for other chumps, Jedi hugs!

FLBright
FLBright
9 years ago

Tracy – Your work here is so, so important to so many. It is your voice alone that finally articulated the babble in my head and heart. Your words and perspective and PASSION that canceled out the dissonance I could NOT make sense of. I don’t know how many times I exclaimed out loud “Yes!! YES!! THIS!” as I read through the articles and letters and comments on your site.
Please accept my humble gratitude for the work that you do, and for attracting and assembling an amazing group of folks. Your work will remain a seminal moment in my life.
FLBright (Future Looks Bright)

FLBright
FLBright
9 years ago
Reply to  FLBright

And to the Mighty Woman that wrote this powerful letter, compassion, praise and warm hugs headed your way.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

When I came here to CL my eyes were opened. Adultery aside, I wish someone in my life twenty years ago would have told me my behavior and choices were silly, selfish, shortsighted, and would ultimately ruin my life. Twenty years of seeing psychologists and psychiatrists and not one of them has the guts to tell you, “YOU ARE RUINING YOUR OWN LIFE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOUR FUTURE WILL LOOK LIKE IF YOU DONT CHANGE.” No, they only asked me for my insurance card and payment.

I read CL religiously, coming to the site twenty times a day, reading nearly every comment. Realizing I’m far from alone, and far from the worst case, I began to feel hope. I am friendless and live with my elderly parents. I’m doing things to learn about myself, face my fears, and give myself the future I want and deserve.

I am realizing how frightened I am of nearly everything in the process — this has been the story of my life and what has made me so dependent on men. But I am going to continue to move forward because I do not want what’s happened so far in my life to be my life story. Sometimes I feel ridiculous that I am so socially stunted, but I must continue.

Even in my shyness I formed a “Leave a Cheater — Gain a Life” MeetUp group in my town. I was terrified to go on my own, in fact I kept postponing it because there were too few people interested. I was on the verge of just deleting the group when I realized I just needed to try it and see what happens. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t succeed, I just have to give it a try.

I sat there this week at a table with three other chumps and we spoke much like we speak here. It’s so refreshing to do that in “real life” and sit with folks who know exactly how we feel. Unless it’s happened to you, you cannot understand. I hope the group will continue and grow, this will be our way to “pay it forward.”

Our society has a blind spot regarding this horrific and painful issue. It needs to come to light and we must educate young people about the importance of maintaining independence, a career, and protecting finances, and always being a whole person and not simply part of a couple.

To say I’m grateful for Tracy and Chump Lady is an understatement. At 57 I am becoming the person I wish I had been at 37. I’m changing, growing, facing my fears and my faults.

When I first came here only about 5 months ago I complained incessantly on these pages that I feared I’d be alone for the rest of my life and couldn’t deal with the shame of knowing I’d never be made love to again. But these days I don’t worry about things like that and what a relief that is. What’s more important is dignity, self respect, and what I’m doing to help my family and my community. If love finds its way to me again, I will be a whole person for the first time in my life.

Thank you, Tracy. I can imagine this subject can take its toll on a person, so count me in as one of the people who will be eternally grateful to you for this gift. The gift of my life.

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Also, you’re not friendless, you got a bunch of guys on this very site who are rooting for you and are friends to you, even though you may never meet them IRL.
Screw wanting to be friends with superficial types IRL which are connected to the cheater.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Ok, that did it. Gotta cry for a bit. Thank you, Lania.

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

MovingLiquid:

You’re amazing! I admire your bravery, and am glad the meet-up went well. And I think you’re taking the right approach — just keep forging forward and grow from this.

Thanks for the inspiration,
LilyBart

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  LilyBart

Thank you, LilyBart. I’m so moved by the people at this site.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

I think a meetup group called “Leave a cheater, gain a life” is a good idea. However, are we allowed to give it that name since that is the name of this website? What do you say CL? If I started one in my town, I would always post your link if it allows me too. I’m not sure though. I certainly don’t want to do anything illegal or against what CL would want.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Maria, I made certain to say in the write up that this website and Tracy have no affiliation with our little MeetUp group, but that we are basing our philosophy on her website and book. I had seen that there were other people here who met in person, so I figured it was okay!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Moving Liquid, you rock woman! You did it, you not only went to a meetup, you created the group, that is mighty and really cool! I am so happy for you. You are gaining a life and pushing past fears, it’s terrific.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Datdamwuf, you’re so kind to say I’m pushing past fears, because that’s an enormous part of what I’m doing right now in preparation for my new life. Thank you.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

I’m not particularly kind Moving Liquid, just honest. Jedi hugs you bad ass bitch!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

You’re making me cry now.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Wow MovingLiquid…I was just writing about how I need to consult CL and Chump Nation daily to stay strong. Your idea of a MeetUp group is excellent! But you don´t need to wish for more members if that means more people getting chumped 🙂 The right people will come, don´t worry. This is a wonderful contribution. Maybe you and others who have tried these groups could give us some guidelines on how they work and how to start one.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan, I’m making it up as I go along, but thankfully there’s no end of good information here at CL. And I’m going to try to make certain that the quiet ones don’t get overshadowed by those of us who yak a lot. It’s too important to allow anyone to slip through the cracks.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago

Thanks for this letter…but it reminds me of the hardest part of all of this…telling your kids that one of their parents is a cheater and trying to explain how that could be…How can you explain to them that they are loved by the cheater if he was capable of lying at such a scale and breaking his mother´s heart? Last night my daughter was in tears when I put her to sleep because she was thinking it was her fault…if only she had told us not to fight more, if only she could put back the clock again and made everything right so we could be a happy family again. I tried to be strong but I cried right along with her…She slept with me in our bed (still haven´t changed it) and I slept on his side of the bed in order to take back that space and conquer it as mine; but this morning I woke up miserable, feeling angry at him because I was needing him as my partner and friend and as the girls´father. This letter reminded me that the bad stuff was really, really bad…so I got over it now, but as other Chumps have mentioned, this journey is really one day at a time. Some days we feel mighty and on others we are triggered and dragged down by the reality of what we went through. I have to read CL daily as if I was a “Chump Anonymous” and these are my recovery meetings….”My name is Susan and I am a Chump…”

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

ironically i got hit with this same thing this morning. my 12 year old is still struggling (well both the little boys are) but his is anger. he is so angry about everything. i am at a loss what to do. little things upset him in a big way. so this morning as i am rushing out the door, have an 815 meeting and getting the boys to school. he just blows up. refuses to go to school, hates his little brother, his big brother and everyone in the world. fights with me to get to the truck, and angry!! the first thing i think of after dropping them off is i need to contact XH to tell him he needs to talk to his son. there i was struggling with what to actually say to him, and thinking he needs to know what is going on with his boys because of his selfish actions. And in the past, of course he was the first one i called and he would talk to the boy. Then i started struggling with SHOULD i call him, tell him. in the past he was involved with the kids, but now with his super wonderful new hood rat and starting all over, he hasnt acted like he even cares about the boys. oh yes, he tells everyone how much he misses his kids, but for the past 3 months has not called to see them. the 2 times i initiated conversations about visitation both him and his hood rat took the opportunity to tell me how wrong i was, how i was hurting the kids, how he doesnt need to see them at my house even thou the boys were the ones to tell me they dont want to go to dads house and how i cant control XHs visitations, it doesnt have to be MY way and lastly (and so much fun) how i am just going to have to accept they are a couple. not sure how much of that was XH but he was sitting there allowing her to say all this crap to me.

it was the hardest thing i had to do by NOT calling him and telling him what is going on with the children. i struggled with it all morning.

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

This is where, when she starts to put her $0.02 in – you tell her to back the fuck off.
She’s lower than nobody and therefore has no rights or intelligence whatsoever to be making parenting decisions for your own kids.
Derelect scum, thats all she is.

mrsvain
mrsvain
9 years ago
Reply to  Lania

thanks Lania. i needed that

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

This is why its important to tell the truth on what your ex-husband has done.
Don’t answer for him and his ‘love’ – that’s on him to do that.
Just reassure your daughter that you will always have her back and love her – and screw what he thinks. His actions will show quick enough as to his character.

minime1224
minime1224
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

I too have to read this daily. I was doing sooo good. Then BAM as usual he feels the need to write on FB (which he never ever used and still doesnt use except to keep changing his relationship status) He has 10 friends 7 which are mine whom I work with at different schools. The other two his daughter and her boyfriend and his new OW We separated March 16. He has changed his relationship to separated and then just recently to In a Relationship. Hello dumbass we are still married no where near finished with the mediation. This is a guy who doesnt use his FB page for anything else never did. I have blocked him but was at my daughters and checked lol dumbass me tooo. Why is he changing it on FB and Whom does he think needs to see this. He has no friends since the 34 years we have been married except her. Then I had to text him after a couple of months of NC to tell him to put 1/2 his school tax money in our joint account for the house and he felt the need to tell me he was on vacation has been since whatever and wont be back till Friday can he do it Saturday. I dont get these people. and yes I know dont sneak a peek at my daughters computer 🙁

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  minime1224

Because to him its all about the drama and getting validation and reactions to his crap. Screw him.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  minime1224

I have to give my husband a tiny bit of credit. I don’t know who the other woman is/was. I don’t know a thing about her. He’s not on Facebook and he is discreet in town. I honestly don’t know how I’d deal with knowing the information that you and many other chumps know. I still pray I don’t run into them together because I honestly feel I’ll collapse on the spot. I know it’s hard to not know what your ex is doing, but you can see how much it hurts, so protect yourself, even though it’s hard.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

Dear letter-writer. I am so very sorry that you have had these things inflicted upon you and your children.

However, I’d like to say welcome, or welcome again, and very pleased to meet you. You are a very impressive person.

Marci
Marci
9 years ago

CL,
It takes great resilience on your part, no doubt, to keep re-visiting these scenarios for yet more chumps/victims. I can see how anyone would easily tire of such a venture.

However, your impact is wider than just coaching. You are also helping many of us “cut to the chase” and learn how to speak eloquently on the subject. I find my discussions lately around relationship matters have made me much more effective in getting the message across. We all need to serve as mentors to our friends in trouble and help them see through whatever brand of gaslighting they face. I mentor (in a formal capacity) several young women at work, and they often say how I am able to point out/zero in on what is bothering them while making personal choices.

I can honestly say you have tipped the scales on some life decisions for me lately and I greatly appreciate that. The input from other intelligent and thoughtful chumps has been awesome.

They always say we should each find our purpose in life. You certainly have succeeded in that.

Louise
Louise
9 years ago

We are in good company and that knowledge alone is our power! We have to be quiet no more.

Tired Momma
Tired Momma
9 years ago

Wow…definitely teared up as so many of those hit close to home, but then jump to the “way worse” territory. I can’t imagine having to deal with some of these.

So proud of the author of the letter for taking her stand (after giving it her all), and becoming free of this horrible cheater/father/husband/human.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago

This site and these letters keep this chump in check.

Thank you CL for your time and effort in putting this site together. From your pain came a forum that was so desperately needed.

Thank you for your continued support. Please don’t stop.

There are many new chumps waiting to be born.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago

What a mighty mighty mighty woman.

Nicole
Nicole
9 years ago

What an amazing and brave woman! She is a mighty mother warrior and her children are blessed beyond belief to have her in their precious lives. Her hopefully-very-soon-to be ex is weak, sick, perverted, soulless waste of skin and flesh. I hope and pray she receives beyond what is fair and reasonable in a settlement, feels the love and support of friends and family who recognize that she needs them to rally around her, and that her children glow one day with pride as they tell others what a truly incredible human being their mother is and will always be!

Kristen
Kristen
9 years ago

Wow! After reading this my experience doesn’t seem so bad. Thank you for doing what you do CL!!

MissTwizzler
MissTwizzler
9 years ago

What I have found here is that Tracy helps me decode “cheater-speak”…heaven knows I need it now..

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago

The author of this is mega-mf’ing-mighty. I think how absolutely devastating my experience was to me… and I was not pregnant (well… I am a dude) , got no STD nor suffered a 10th of what this woman is going through.

I was an anxiety attack-ridden, mourning and broken person 2 years ago. I cannot imagine this level of suffering. And yes…isn’t cheating sexy and daring? (puke). Thank you CL for providing this forum.

Mel
Mel
9 years ago

That’s awesome in unfortunately a really sad way. But in the long run, she and her kids will be stronger and happier for it. {{Hugs}}

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Powerful letter, and I can feel the writer’s strength. It is sad that all of us here can relate to what she wrote, even if our details were different.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago

“…this goldfish would never knit me a sweater.” That line is going to be my new “go to” whenever I wonder why. God bless beautiful writers! And I agree that life becomes so much more liveable when you finally lose the weirdo that has made it his/her mission to fuck you up. I wouldn’t say I’m “happy” yet, but I now have this wonderful, powerful, freeing feeling of contentment!

One of the most cathartic things I did during the beginning of my journey out of hell was to write a “Goodbye to…” missive. I just looked back at it, and I’ve come so far. A few snippets if anyone is interested…

“Good bye to…

Believing you were an honest guy, a man of character. Finding out what an expert liar you were was heart-attack inducing, crushing, shock and awe. Your affair and calculated deception rocked my world. I’ve never been so shaken by anyone in the way you totally betrayed me and the kids in my life. Your intentional deception hurt me more than my father’s fists ever did.

Realizing it was all about the secrets; of our relationship at work when we first started out, and how we lived together before we married without anyone at work knowing. You liked it so much you reinvented it with this latest dimwit you are living with. I wonder how long it will take her to figure out the secret is that you are nothing behind your lies.

The peculiar, disassociated way you talked “at” people. I first noticed it in your exchanges with your sister, who you always seemed to treat like garbage. If you were asked a genuine question, you always replied with a question or a sarcastic quip. For a “professional communicator” (your self-description to your bimbo), you suck at it face to face.

Having to come home in a crying puddle from front-teeth dental surgery to a screaming newborn and a two-year old waiting for their dinners. I wanted to drive right by our house, buy a fifth of whiskey (and I don’t drink whiskey) and a Motel 8 room rather than come home that night, especially knowing you were waiting for me so you could leave to go to your alumni event. When I walked in crying, obviously overdone, you skipped out the door to a college alumni thing you “had to go to,” leaving three of us crying in your wake. Asshole.

Your death breath. Your lack of dental hygiene. How you brushed your teeth like you were on a mad, dental, killing spree.

Moral relativism. You could rationalize anything to make it suit your “beliefs,” even breaking the Seventh Commandment.

Your insistence on dressing like “Where’s Waldo” or a “Flashdance” extra. You wore the same three shirts and same seventies shorty shorts everywhere. You looked ridiculous, then like a hobo.”

I’ve got 12 more pages worth, but you all know it because you’ve lived it too. I love our little community of kick-ass chumps! Bless Chump Lady and everyone here.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago

I kept a journal for quite a while. I stopped (for the time being) because it got to where writing all the stuff up was making me sad rather than being cathartic. Kind of like going through it twice.

Anyway, one good thing I did do a few nonths after D-Day was to take the time to write a piece that detailed why I was angry. I tend to be the kind of person who isn’t in the habit of venting, so it really helped me to have to understand exactly why I was mad and why I had a right to be.

This “Goodbye to…” reminds me a little of that.

More recently I wrote down 10 reasons I have to be happy and thankful. They came pouring out, almost effortlessly. Then I sat down and asked myself, what is there to be unhappy about? The sad answer – one person and what they were doing. So many reasons to be happy, one reason I was unhappy.

Seems ridiculously self-evident, but it really helped me to put it in those terms.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

BTW, I realize there are many here whose lives are far more torn up than mine is, and in many ways. My heart goes out to all of those good people; I do not mean to come off as cavalier.

Most of the blessings I was talking about are things like a great son, dog who bumps me with his snout all the time for pets and hugs, a couple of really close friends who have my back, good health and good docs on board, etc.

Not perfect but pretty darn good, except for ONE aspect.

Einstein
Einstein
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Absolutely not, Chumpguy. In fact, I think it is the secret to success. I got whole again when I could start valuing all the things I did have (or forgot I had while I was in agony over the ass). It’s amazing how gratefulness can fill your heart with peace and calm (and joy!).

Good advice!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

I have an Aussie that bumps me with her snout and herds me around the house too. She’s such a wonderful companion! I always said she was an angel to crawl into bed beside me the night my ex left and lick me while I cried. An absolute angel!

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Don’t get me going on about my dog (rescued bully breed)! The only thing more boring than hearing me tell tales about his adventures would be hearing me talk about my incredible son. True blessings and cornerstones of my life.

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Don’t worry Chumpguy

You didn’t come off as ‘cavalier’ at all to me 🙂

‘Count your blessings’ is a fine nugget of wisdom – not as an admonition (which it can sometimes sound like) but as a powerful coping tool when life is full of pain and heartache. You were kind to share how it helped you to reflect on the good things in your life, not all ruined and destroyed by your own particular cheater. No, you did a nice thing and it came across as a nice thing – don’t worry 😀 (reminds me of me a few months back – so mindfucked by my particular cheater I couldn’t trust anything I said – at all – to anyone – wasn’t misunderstood, despite my best intentions).

😀

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

I agree with Jayne Chumpguy. I don’t think you came off sounding as cavalier. I think it’s important to remember what good things we have left so we don’t get mired down in what’s happened. Clearly, as evidenced by this writer’s story and by countless other stories on this website, I know that others have had it much worse than me. It keeps me humble and from feeling too sorry for myself.

Everyone in the nation is mighty!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Not only that, but if we just persevere, we will get to the stage where we see how wonderful life can be again. Perhaps Chumpguy is there. I am nearly there and hope I continue.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

Thanks, Jayne. I hear you.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Wow. That looks like a almost a fun challenge to write up. I could do 12 pages as well!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

My first “Goodby” would be:

Goodbye to having you sit at the kitchen table or while you’re watching TV with a pair of tweezers tweezing out your ear hair. Unbelievable!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ML, I had a gazillion of those irritating, skeevy things listed, too. Those things that we put up with because we loved them.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ewwwww!!!! 🙂

Happilyeverafter1959
Happilyeverafter1959
9 years ago

Can’t stop crying….
Enormous hugs!
18 months out for me and it still feels like yesterday at times.
So “happy” there is this place to come to so we can all support each other.
I know I just chime in here and there.
But I wish good things for each and everyone of you!
What would we all do without Tracy?
Thank you for doing what you do!
You are a voice for those that are working on their courage.
I am still sitting here in limbo, separated and NC.
Even my therapist at this point sees why I don’t move forward with the Divorce.
The day will come. I am just not ready to face the inevitable yet.
I have no plans on returning. I am just preserving a place for me and my daughter and three grandchildren until her Divorce is final and she can find a place to live.
Best of Luck to you and those kids of yours…..you will be better off without him!

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

Powerful letter. Makes me want to cry, swear, give the cheater and his mother a good smack upside the head, face palm, shout for joy at her strength all at the same time!

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
9 years ago

Chump lady, you rock! And the author of this letter is truly mighty! So much of her letter I can relate to associate many of us can attest to. I’m 3 years past day, and going through divorce now, but this letter reminds me of the horrors I had to deal with at that time. It really was that bad….but life moves on and things will be better.

I lost so much in my marriage and the aftermath, and have gained so much of myself detaching from the sick prick I’m divorcing. Not at meh yet, but getting there. I am finally gaining back so much of the life I have lost, it takes so much time and energy, but so worth it.

Chump lady, thanks for paying it forward, your posts really help to put things in perspective and help me to move forward.

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

Thanks CL and to the author of this letter.

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about how when I discovered my husband’s infidelity I went home and burned every love letter, card and picture of us. At that moment I realized I had a fake husband and a fake life. I cried every single day for 16 months. I cried in front of my coworkers and I cried in front of my clients. I had a mental breakdown. I belonged in a psych ward. I thought about suicide constantly for the first time in my life. I went from being a happy well adjusted woman to a miserable wretch over night. It has taken me YEARS to get better. No one understands this quite like the chumps here do. My friends and family think that I’m totally over this whole thing. Little do they know that I still have daily flashbacks like the one I had this morning on the way to work.

I’ve finally met someone after seven years that I’ve let into my life. I’ve known him for two years and went slow and got to know him well. He never cheated on his wife in their 27 years of marriage. He’s a fellow chump. I honestly never thought I would allow a man into my life again. It feels pretty good.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Hi buddy! Glad you’re doing well! I just popped in and saw you here. I need to check in more often. 🙂

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Syringa, I’m so glad for you. You’re an inspiration to me.

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Thanks Moving Liquid. That’s pretty cool of you to start a group in Meet Up too!! Good for you.

FLBright
FLBright
9 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Both of you are very powerful ladies.

scotty
scotty
9 years ago

I just tacked the goldfish/sweater quote up on my cube wall – perfection

Today is my “should be” 4th wedding anniversary to the Whorenado. I have to admit…feeling pretty MEH about it.
What’s for lunch? 🙂

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  scotty

“Whorenado!” My new favorite word! LOLOLOLOL!!!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Mine too Chump Princess! I think I just found a new name for the other woman!

FLBright
FLBright
9 years ago
Reply to  scotty

Here’s what’s NOT for lunch… no shit sandwich for you 😉

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

Whorenado? Love it Scotty!~

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago

I can’t even handle this site today! Total insomnia – only 3 hours of sleep after a horrible MET meeting yesterday, 2 more MET meetings this morning (a fourth coming next week) at a shitty public school my kids are being forced to go to at the moment. Can’t stop crying!!! Not even functioning now that I’m home.
SOMEDAY!!!! Someday: I will tell you my story; my children’s stories
someday……………………………………

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

Home, if you don’t have a therapist, please get one ASAP. If you cannot sleep, that makes everything 100 times worse, I know, I was there. So get something for sleep. If you can use judiciously, an anti anxiety drug like Xanax or some others short term can really help. Jedi hugs!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Xanax saved me in the beginning and stopped the horrible panic attacks at night. It helped me sleep. My dr warned me it is addictive and to only use it on the worst days.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Exactly, Xanax is pretty much instantly physically addictive so you have to not ever take it more than three days in a row, you get withdrawals after that, depending on the person it can really be bad. Ask me how I know? Heh, you don’t have to ask, it did help once I knew how to be careful. The first time it was prescribed I took it every night for a month, wow it helped my anxiety, I could sleep, no side effect obvious to me. Then I started having short term memory issues and research indicated Xanax might be why, I analyze data for a living so I quit taking it….but evil withdrawal so I had to do it very slowly. This won’t happen if you don’t take it daily

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Melatonin. You can find it in the supplement section. Non addictive, natural and it works.

Janus
Janus
9 years ago
Reply to  flyingsquirrel

Try Kavinace; it is a supplement, so you do not need a prescription, although I bought it at my doctor’s office. There is also a Kavinace Ultra PM version. It calms down all the chemicals that are firing in your system.

“Natural Calm” magnesium powder (Vitamin Shoppe, etc.) is also very helpful. We all deplete magnesium at these times. Most people don’t get enough magnesium anyway, so imagine how depleted most of us are.

echo
echo
9 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Janus, are you from Texas???

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Thanks All! It’s my weekend with kids and they have a habit of all crawling into bed with me (4 of them!). Couldn’t ask for a better sleep aid! Even when body parts are on my head! 🙂 Got 7 hours!

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago

HSM

Please sleep. Sleep tons. Sleep as often and for as long as you can. Get a prescription from doctor if you need to. Try Nytol or Kalms if you don’t like the idea of sleeping tablets. You need to break the cycle going on in your head – not your fault shithead has got you in fight or flight mode – you are actually dealing with this like any living animal is programmed to deal with threat, but you need to break the cycle. Other people recommend physical exercise but I suspect you may be too down to raise the energy for that. how about re-reading a well loved book (something untainted by associations with shithead) – perhaps something you really enjoyed as a child? – nothing too taxing, just something to get your mind on something else. Another thing I found worked for me – (I always read before I sleep, even if it’s just a sentence) – was giving myself permission to leave the light on! Daft, I know, but I used to find I’d be reading until my eyes started dropping, then I’d put down my book and turn off the bedside light and it was like I’d switched my brain back on in doing so! Drove me crazy! So instead, I pretended to my own brain that I wasn’t preparing to fall asleep, I was just resting my eyes – and it worked (still does – if I find myself pinging awake when I want to go to sleep).

Hugs and virtual mugs of warm milk to you xxxx

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

This is a great explination of what happened to me… I was on full adrenoline 24/7 for 6 months. Shithead that he is.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago

HSM, hang in there. You are stronger than you realise. The pain is soul destroying but you will get there. Your children need you and you also need ‘you’. I don’t know what more I can add but it does and will get better.

JM
JM
9 years ago

This broke my heart…and I didn’t know I had any heart left to break. Thank you for sharing it. Tracy, I can’t tell you what ChumpNaton has meant to me – divorced a month ago. I save everything you and our Chumps write. Thank you all so much. PS I’m up for any MeetUP opportunity and am in the Columbia, SC and Augusta, GA area. HUGS to ALL of you.

Red
Red
9 years ago

Powerful, powerful letter. I don’t know WHAT I would have done if all this garbage had happened in my life when my kids were that small.

The writer is DEFINITELY mighty!

ANR
ANR
9 years ago

Incredible letter! So glad you found your way here to inspire us!

LOnly
LOnly
9 years ago

Again, another beautifully written letter full of pain and anguish that we all relate to.
I realize we are all at different levels of recovery but I’m all for CL to create a ‘dating’ website for us!! We all have been there, seem to have the same morals, loyalty etc; I’d join!
And all the more, CL, how about an annual (or more) CL conference!! I’d travel to TX to hear you speak!! I’d travel anywhere! For those of us that can’t…….skype!! I can envision it now…..

Thewatcher
Thewatcher
9 years ago

CL, this is such a pain filled blog today that I hesitated to write but I want you, and your fellow chumps, to know that you actually change people for the better. I have not cheated on my husband and as far as I know he has not cheated on me. I saw the horrible mess my ex SIL left when she abandoned her family. I found your blog by accident and stayed because I never got past the devastation she caused and how little I helped.
Over the course of several years I have had three different women tell me in confidence that they were cheating with a married man and I said nothing. In essence I colluded with them by not passing judgement. Not anymore. After finding all of you I am ashamed of myself. Your post on thinking in black and white is so true. I will not be gray again. Ever!
I am sure there are thousands of people like me who read your blog. If we can be supportive of a chump or express outrage when we hear about cheating maybe we can help in a small way.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Thewatcher

You know, I don’t think of speaking up about infidelity as “passing judgment.” I think of it as standing for something. And I don’t mean marriage. If someone told me they were cheating with a married man, I would say, “I am so sorry to hear that, because you are causing terrible pain to his wife and children, if there are kids. The man you’re seeing is a jackass because he is hurting the people he is supposed to protect. And you are settling for someone with no integrity. Nothing good will come of what you’re doing. I care about you but can’t support you in this behavior.” That’s not judgment; that’s the truth.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Powerfully said. My best friend said to a mutual friend who was cheating something along the lines of, “You are my friend, I care about you and want you to be happy, but the things you are doing do not make me proud to have you as a friend.”

My SIL, who has historically been extremely close with my wife, told W that she wanted W to be happy and fulfilled, but she did not support what she was doing. Go figure.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Thewatcher

Thewatcher, you’re not alone in that. Speaking for myself, I didn’t condemn cheaters I knew, but I’d sure as hell give them a rough time now — in fact no mercy at all. Hindsight. I think it’s great if non chumps find their way here, it can only help them to look for red flags, or keep their marriage healthy, or allow them to help friends who are in anguish over infidelity. Some people won’t listen to friends and family who try to warn them, but they might listen if they come by here — it’s nearly impossible not to face the truth when you’ve been here a while.