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Dear Chump Lady, The OW signs my child support checks

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Dear Chump Lady,

I have been divorced from ex-shithead for five months now. We have two teenage daughters. I receive child support and alimony weekly with a direct deposit going right into my checking account from exH. Additional expenses regarding our daughters are split 50/50. Because I have primary custody, I pay for what they need and he would be responsible to send me payment for his half.

With school just starting there are obvious expenses. I sent exH an email outlining the expenses and requested a check from him for his half. I get home yesterday and there is a check in the mail from him…….but it is written and signed by the OW!!!!!!! I know he is the one who handles the money (the control issues he has). My best guess is that he or she or both of them did this to bait me and get under my skin!

Honestly, it did bother me initially. After processing through the emotions of it, I am better now. I am just happy to have the check. But when the cheaters do this stupid shit it sets you back in the healing!!!! Why on earth do they continue to do things like this?? What could they possibly get from this? How do you get to meh when it seems that they just want to draw you back in ?

Signed

Kimmy

Dear Kimmy,

Hey, it’s a check. I don’t care if Satan signed it — cash it and don’t give it another thought.

I have never in nearly 14 years of divorced “co-parenting” EVER received 50% of additional expenses, despite the fact that’s in my court order. Never. Ever. I could drop a paper bomb of dental receipts, dermatology bills, school fees, field trip permission slips, and  emergency room visit bills over northern Virginia. That man wouldn’t open his wallet unless held up by gunpoint, and even then I tend to doubt it. He’d probably rather die.

Kimmy, Kimmy, look at the big picture here. You’re getting support WEEKLY. You got some kind of awesome settlement other chumps can only dream of. Full custody, alimony, support, AND 50% of additional expenses. Moreover, you’ve got an ex that PAYS IT. Do you know how many people have unpaid support? Or exes who conveniently lose their jobs, work under the table, and welch out on their commitments?

I know, you don’t want to eat your brussel sprouts and I’m giving you the starving orphan in Africa guilt trip. But please put this in perspective — what did the OW “win”? She won a cheater. AND a dude that’s happy to have her PAY HIS BILLS.

And she’s so desperate to do the “pick me” dance — she does it!!!

And what do you get?

MONEY!

Do you see how this works out in your favor?

Oh please, OW, teach me another lesson and write me another check. Yes, yes, you won. Sally needs a pony. That will be $5,000 plus boarding costs.

If this idiot wants to goad you by writing checks, dear God woman, LET her. Is she trying to fuck with you? Oh probably — and see my point above — you get MONEY.

But! But! She’s trying to be all superior and put you in your place and get at you!

Only if you let her. You won. You lost a cheater and gained a good settlement for life without him. She won a manipulator, a guy who’s quite happy to let her write his checks. He’s a cad. And she’s his new sucker.

Quit asking yourself why they did it, or what their motivations are. That’s untangling the skein. Fold the money, stick it in your wallet, and focus on your new and improved cheater-free life.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Couldn’t agree more with CL. I receive less than 50 % of the amount I am supposed to receive. I have a child with significant special needs and another with mental health issues, thanks to captain douchebag and his band of oxygen thieves. He, on the other hand, is currently enjoying his tenth holiday this year. Yes, you read that right.

    Take the money. Trust me when I say that the pain is magnified when your children suffer.

  • My friend got alimony for a few years. The OW wrote out the checks and wrote “EX-spousal support” in the memo line. She was so upset about this but I kept reminding her that it was rich that the OW was bothered by the thought of her. I heard recently that this particular OW was fired from her job for basically being a bitch. I wasn’t surprised. My friend’s husband is a top rate narcissist. A bitch and a narcissist!! I told my friend, get some popcorn ready, there’s gonna be a show some day!

    • I love this! It is true for your friend, obviously the OW can’t move on and must be pretty insecure in the relationship! Karma will be a bitch for those two.

  • I want somebody to mess with me by sending me money. I want them to mess with me a lot.

    I think they really need to come up with some huge checks so they can feel appropriately superior and not mess around with the small stuff 🙂

    • LOL “I want somebody to mess with me by sending me money. I want them to mess with me a lot.”

      Kimmy, my ex’s gf would deposit child support checks, and he’d make sure to say something to let me know it. Agree completely with CL, if she’s dumb enough to waste her time running his errands and in doing so is recognizing that you and your kids come before her, let her have at it!

      She’s the one being subservient, and yes it is annoying when you know they’re doing something JUST to irritate you, but would you be annoyed if he had to lick your shoes and sent her to do it instead? Same thing. They lose.

    • “Endorse it and cash it. She’s more bothered by it than you, I’m certain.”

      Yes! Can you imagine her situation? She “won” a cheater and has to write the checks to YOU, the mother of his children. All cheaters are terribly selfish. She must bitterly resent every penny that leaves their “happy” household.

    • Agree with Chutes that she is totally bothered by it. She’s not very ‘meh’ about it. Too bad. If she didn’t want to worry about child support and alimony, the whore should have slept with someone that didn’t have kids.

      And to answer your question as to why they do this stuff? Because they can and they are terrible human beings.

  • Yeah, my ex is one of those “I won’t work, but when I do, I work under the table” types who pays child support oh so infrequently in the years since our divorce. He has a huge outstanding balance, and the small amount he is required to pay monthly for our two kids is a drop in the bucket. Honestly, this has kept from really achieving full meh, I think, because every month when I go to pay the bills for myself and OUR kids and can’t pay them all (and we in no way live a lavish lifestyle), I am reminded of the situation he put us in.

    So while yes, it would be annoying to have his OW pay the child support (she’s long gone now, he’s had several new schmoopies since) by now, I’d be happy that ANYONE paid it. As Chump Lady said, look at this way – he is making her spend her money on his kids. He’s shirking his responsibility yet again, making someone else take care of it, and she thinks that is AWESOME. She’s getting played.

  • How I wish that OWs from either marriage would send me $$$. They both hooked up with women with jobs and money after my DDays with them. Cheater#1 still owes me $10,000 for his 3 kids who are now 30, 27 and 24 y.o. Cheater#2, well, he is suing me for $131,000 for his supposed equity in our house that he paid exactly 11% of the mtg pmts over 12 yrs. Sad. Greedy.

    • Yep, and the pick-me triangulation dance game only works if you play.

      Let the new sucker play along, cash the checks, and don’t over-think it. Not your problem if the money is rolling in. Sounds like OW is getting the treatment already.

      • At the risk of unraveling the skein, I think the two of them are looking to triangulate. Either he wants to punish you for asking for money by shoving OW in your face or OW resents him sending money or the two of them bond over the injustice of child support, etc. It doesn’t matter what fuckedupedness that they are into. If someone wasn’t stirring the pot, he would send the check himself. TimeHeals called the game, triangulation. It ain’t a triangle if you don’t play. Just cash the checks. Handle things as you have, with least contact possible. Be glad the rest of the money is direct deposited. Best of luck!

  • Kimmy,

    Get ready!
    When you call him about an overdue payment for additional expenses he’s gonna play dumb and say stupid shit like “call OW”.
    Geez!
    Please remember not to feed the crazy!
    He’s looking to triangulate !

    I hope I’m being twitchy and the above never happens!

    • Ohhhhhh, NUH-UH!!

      You simply e-mail the idiot that the check in the amount of $x is late by Y number of days, and he is to please reply when he has resolved the matter.

      If he tells you to contact OW, you ignore it. You ignore ALL communication that is nothing along the lines of, “I have re-issued a check.” You can e-mail him when you receive the check, just to say, “I received a check, with number XXXX in the amount of $Z due for [month] today.”

      That’s it. If that check does not arrive shortly after the first notification you send, then you send a reminder with the “late by Z number of days” reflecting the current. And perhaps, “If I have not received a check by [date] I will be forced to pursue the matter with the [county] family court.”

      Assholes.

  • Ah, the money. It’s all part of the power dynamic.

    The OW and I worked at the same place – on flexible rotas. After D-Day I obviously wanted to avoid her as much as possible until it all blew over, ha ha. Of course it didn’t and I ended up losing a lot of shifts which I could not afford. The OW offered to financially compensate me! I declined. It seemed like I was been paid off (as well as played).

    I was especially distraught at the time as I had taken this job after STBX had ‘exploded’ our business (which I had helped set up with family money) through alcoholism and financial crappiness. The job had given me back self- esteem as well as (still!) financially supporting the drinking Mr Sparkles.

    Well, it’s a year later and the decree absolute arrives this month, I am 300 miles away and have a new career. And guess who is now in a business with a still not sober Mr Sparkles? Yep- OW who I know is (part?!) funding his new venture.

    I’m so relieved that it’s she and not me who is now signing those cheques for his rent, his utility bills, his business materials, his food…… And no doubt so is STBX because farming out their financial responsibilities to the latest ‘hostage’ is what cheaters do. So yes Kimmy, keep taking those cheques and smile all the way to the bank.

  • I echo all the comments above. Cash that check honey and count your blessings. My ex is “self employed” (i.e. he is a “consultant” and works for one of his old frat buddies). I got no alimony because I was the higher wage earner – and I get just a piddly amount of CS. I would love, absolutely LOVE, to get regular weekly checks from his troowuv, his mother, his neighbor…whomever he could sucker into paying a fair amount of support for our one kid still at home (other kid is an adult and in college now). It’s just a piece of paper with very something very important on it…numbers and your name in the TO: line! Deposit that sucker and keep out a little in cash to treat yourself to something really special on her dime!!

  • Hi Kimmy – maybe they are trying to mess with your head, maybe not. But underneath it all? You can bet your boots it stings her that she has to sign away money to you, that she no doubt thinks should rightfully spent on her!

    Sounds like she’s eating the shit sandwich now 🙂

  • Ah, yes, the attempts to get “digs” in.
    My exH and I have a similar agreement…. We split all agreed upon actvities, dr. appts co-pays, etc. He pays child support.
    But Mr. Passive Aggressive never checks the online expense sheet (that he created to make things easier!), so every month I have to ask him to check it and pay his half.
    Petty.
    ..and we are probably off to court in the next few months given disagreements in child visitation and the need to recalculate child support since he hid part of his salary, plus moved out of state.
    Never ends.

  • Kimmy,

    Even though I had a 50-50 custody agreement, I had to pay cheating ex-wife child support every month for years, which cheating ex used to run the household that included her final affair partner, who moved in with her. How hard do you think that is on getting to “meh?”

    Pardon the 2×4 here, but getting paid by the cheating ex’s paramour sounds like a win-win, and your post sounds a bit like a complaint that the lottery you won wasn’t the Power Ball.

    Count your money, count your blessing.

    • Nomar….
      I think it is ghastly that you had to make those payments!!! I couldn’t imagine what that feels like and I’m glad I don’t have to experience it. I guess it did sound a bit like I was whining over getting a check. Sort of petty and childish too I suppose. Bring on the 2 x 4’s, I can take it. I had it pretty good (financially) while married. Now, well….there are times when I am dumping the change jar to fill my gas tank. I get pretty pissy about that! And, these are not the only expenses I have submitted to the ex, these just happen to be the first he decided to pay for. I have not spoken to him in quite sometime. I got word through one of my daughters that according to him he will not be answering any more of my emails or texts messages…..I NEED TO CALL HIM regarding the kids. Yeah, not happening unless it is urgent. So…….I really think he had OW write the check to try to manipulate me into contacting him. But there I go again, trying to untangle the skein!

      I indeed am THANKFUL for the payment just wish he could have written it as these are HIS children not HERS!

      • A simple email “I got the check, thank you” is all I would do. And no ranting to the kids for sure. Don’t give them any satisfaction.

      • Stop dancing the Triangulation Tango 🙂 Yes, most normal adults would handle their own obligations.

        You already know you don’t have one of those. He’s got one woman dancing and writing checks, and you’re hanging back and wondering “When do I get to dance”? I wouldn’t do it if I were you.

        As for the “no texts or email” ploy using dancer #3 (daughter), if you don’t get reimbursed, send a letter registered mail and add that charge to the total. Photocopy the thing too for your legal file (hopefully you have a folder already).

      • i think it is funny that she is writing the checks for him. can you imagine how much it pisses her off to have to write that check in YOUR name? i know if i had to do that, it would piss me off everytime i had to do it.

        so he MIGHT have meant it as a dig to get to you, or he MIGHT have thought it would make you call him, but in the end you are the true winner in this hand of the game. Let them play their stupid little game, all you want is the check anyways. besides if OW is doing his job and writing the check, just shows you that he wants a secretary not a wife. and she is stupid enough to do it, besides she will probably do it better then he ever did so you still come out ahead.

        good luck. and just smile everytime you see her name on the check because you know it is killing her just as much as you but you are the one coming out ahead.

      • For what it’s worth, Kimmy — when I read your letter, I felt as enraged as you do at what I assumed was an intentional attempt to rile you up. It’s not until I read CL’s response and the response of others that I saw the other side of it.

        It’s a learning process, this un-chump-ification. You’re definitely not the only one who needs a 2 x 4. Frankly, I’m thinking a 4 x 8 might be in order for me. 🙂

      • Kimmy,

        I apologize for coming off as harsh. Didn’t mean to, and I don’t think you’re being childish. I think you’re probably right that there’s an element of mindfuckery in what you’re experiencing. Just trying to lend a little perspective. I think that’s part of the CL experience, hearing from others about their own situations which are a different kind of hell (e.g., getting cheated on while pregnant, cheating compounded by violence, etc.). Reading here has humbled me every day for years.

        You are mighty for not taking that f*cker’s phone calls. Good luck!

        • Oh, gosh…..don’t apologize. It’s this site that keeps me sane and “in-check” so to speak. It is so helpful to read other posters thoughts and insight. Sometimes one sentence can change my outlook! I have grown so much from reading and posting here.

          Also too, it helps to know you are not the only one suffering from similar mindfuckery! I read some of the other posts from chumps here and can’t help but feel lucky that my situation isn’t all that bad in comparison. Infidelity sucks and so does being a chump!!!

          • Kimmy….it does help a lot reading here doesn’t it? Getting it all in perspective. After reading other people’s stories I know I didn’t have it as rough as others. I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t a man who had to paternity test his kids. I didn’t have small children and I wasn’t a SAHM.
            Reading here everyday for months has helped me get to Meh. I got there this past March 11th, which happened to be a Tuesday. (~;

      • “….just wish he could have written it as these are HIS children not HERS!”

        That’s the triangulation at work. He can’t get you any other way; neither can she. So he fusses about how you contact, gets OW to send the check. Baby games. Be above it. Remember that if she is writing the check, it’s an issue THEY are having about YOU. 🙂

      • He might be doing you a favor by asking you not to email or text. Those modes of communication can easily open the door to contentious exchanges. Use U.S. mail to send reimbursement requests and copies of receipts and other verification. A chump a few weeks ago talked about the Google calendar that you can set up for visitation schedules and kid events. Then you would only need to contact him by phone in case of emergency. The further you remove yourself, the better.

        • Make sure it is certified mail, return receipt. Kids today take pictures of docs and keep them on their phones, and that is good for anything you send via mail. Then you are both using mail and the exchange is on the same level.

          • Can I chime in here about the Google calendar here. Most information I would be putting on a google calendar would be info X could find off the internet, just like I do. Why exactly am I doing more work for him to facilitate a relationship he clearly isn’t interested in having with his biological children? Let me be clear, I’m not dumping on google calendar, but I’d like to know when X has to grow up and be an adult. This makes me feel more like an enabler.

            • Same. I refused to do it. Worked great.

              I’m not his fucking secretary any more. I don’t make arrangements for him. I’m not his mother, not his drone. Fuck him and the whore he rides.

              • Same here. We had the Cozi app. He would miss dates at hi convenience but flipped his shit when h found out I’d deleted him. Too bad!

  • It’s meant to basically “piss on your tree”. She’s attempting to “mark” her territory – like any common bitch would – by showing you that she’s involved in his life now and paying YOU support. She’s here to stay, she’s never going away – just like genital warts.

    My ex’s OW did this too – for a time he was hiding from creditors by closing his bank account and cashing his checks outright so nothing could be seized. Then when he went into bankruptcy – he hid within her bank account as a secondary – I got checks from her for support for about a year. Big florid signature – nothing in the memo. But the BEST part was that – when he went into her account as a secondary – his name was printed in teeny weeny letters – so it was her name in big marquee lettering and his like a tiny afterthought. That – I thought – spoke volumes as to where their relationship was eventually headed.

    Did it bother me to get those checks from her? Yes – because I knew what she was up to and it pissed me off. But did I cash them and eventually just stop thinking about it? Yup! I equated it to money laundering – the checks came from her dirty whore hands, but once it passed through the bank? All clean as a whistle! Be glad for your consistent flow of money and go live your life – don’t let their dirt get on your shoes and tracked into your house.

  • So how do cheaterpants get away with not paying court mandated alimony, child support, and judgments for committing spousal abuse? Why don’t courts enforce their decisions? I’m afraid this on the horizon for me, since narc/abuser-h vindictiveness rains supreme.

    • I had this exact conversation with my attorney last week. I’m due $10,000+ in child support rears and his half for everything else. I asked my attorney, who I really like, why I spent $8,000 + mediation fees for a court order that doesn’t hold up? Why do I have to wait for more ‘concrete’ evidence before I can go back into court for him not following our court order. It says in black and white when he is supposed to have the kids, what he is supposed to pay and that he isn’t supposed to harass me. So, I have 1.5 years of no payment for anything, a calendar of when he didn’t take his parent time and emails of him calling me every name under the sun out of the blue. The family court system is the money maker.

      • MEIANJ, Does your state have a Children’s Services division? They can go after child support owed, I did this when ex stopped paying child support (pendente lite)during the two+ years it took for our case to settle. Could not recover maintenance though but money owed accrued interest. Ex wanted me to know where his priorities were (to lose the family home while entertaining new life w/Schmoopie). My thought? Good luck with your new life, Mr. Stupid. Lol. Court is a colossal waste of time and money and it’s way past due for reform nationwide. In my case my ex was able to walk away from all joint financial responsibilities even though our mortgage was one quarter of his income. So, I totally agree with your thought that family courts suck, they seem to profit from fucked up circumstances (as do our lawyers). Court has no enforcement powers. Bring contempt of court motion against ex, perhaps that may help. But I would see if your state can collect child support owed. In CA they just require info, they file the case. Do this ASAP. Narcs and Cheaters are sore losers.

        • Every state has a child support agency that goes after deadbeats. Unfortunately, the agencies aren’t always very helpful — my state agency did nothing when ex didn’t bother returning his paperwork, did nothing when I informed them repeatedly that he was working under the table, did nothing when he never bothered reporting his frequent moves and did nothing even when he apparently HAD a job. But the minute he went to them saying he wanted a support modification, they jumped right up to say “Sure!” and sent our case to court, where I will have to face the ex next month.

          Absolutely open a case with your state agency… but don’t expect much. Of course, my ex is willing to be a homeless bum to get out of paying support, that’s probably more extreme than most.

          • “Of course, my ex is willing to be a homeless bum to get out of paying support”

            So I see my ex has a brother. 🙁 I’m sorry you’re going through that too, GladIt’sOver.

          • I believe my county was aggressive because the family court there screwed over SAHPs in long term marriages. So state agency was on it. I provided information to them and they ran with it. These people saved me as you all know ex pretty much just walked. Also contact employer, they can release general info. Tell them you need it because employee is not meeting court ordered support.

        • The Children’s Services Center actually helped me within a few weeks. Please try. The services are free. Even if nothing happens, you have a paper trail. Good luck

          • It’s worth it. My suspicion is not only is every state different, but also every court within the state is different. For example, my state has a searchable database of different court cases. For grins, I searched the previous owners of my house, who divorced. Apparently the husband had petitioned for reduction in his child support payments, but the court said no.

            • In Canada or at least Alberta, if your maintenance is in arrears, they can deny drivers licence being renewed, passport application/renewal gets denied and they will garnish wages IF the loser is working on the “record” so to speak. There are loopholes like with all Maintenance enforcement but its nice to know its there.

      • Ahhh…child support enforcement. ExH left 6 years ago; and hid out to avoid paying C/S oversease (plus one of the many OW was there). He returned to the states to an outstanding balance due of $75,000. They garnished his bank account for about $200, and he went completely bonkers (yes, the Protection Order got renewed 🙂 ). So he went back to court and had himself declared indigent (despite having tons of $$ and a fancy car); plus the OW he married is also quite wealthy. His new monthly obligation is $500; he has paid about $2,000 total over the past six years now. He pays about $300 every other month, because he’s figured out that’s the amount that will keep him from going to jail on his five+ felony non-support charges. He pays nothing toward medical bills, activities, and braces x 2. Oh, and he still owes half the mortgage and legal fees, for a grand total due of about $150,000.

        He thinks nothing about bragging to anyone about his multiple vacations, trips to Europe and Vegas, and then he just bought a new $400,000 house (which in our state is a mansion). But he’s indigent.

        I’m convinced they do this shit to piss us off – and try to get us to respond. I told the child support people a long time ago that my goal is to never see or speak to him again; and to protect my children from ever having to see him until they are adults, if they make that choice; and I’d rather live on beans and rice again (like we did when he left and I was a SAHM with 2 pre-schoolers) than fight that POS for $$. He has his piles of dirty, whorish money and his skanky wife; I have two awesome children; a lovely, modest home, and an occasional vacation with my sweet babies, and PEACE. I win.

        Oh, and for extra frosting on the cake – the Bible says that a man who doesn’t support his family is “worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8) – so there you go 🙂 Hang in there, and just live your life – it only gets better.

  • Hey Kimmy,

    It is territorial pissing, that’s all. We know it sucks, but there are worse problems to have, so I’d cash Schmoopie’s checks and get on with the real job of raising the kids.

    x-Meh.

  • After a full year i.e. 12 months, of contributing exactly ZERO to our mortgage payments, and only 11% for 12 YEARS, upon DDay, Cheater suddenly began writing me checks for 50% of the mortgage payment. I used my bank’s phone app to instantly deposit them to my bank account; the sooner it got into my account the better! I also wanted to ‘starve the beast’ so OW would see how he never had money and would start mooching off her instead of me. Don’t know how that worked since I’ve been NC for 8 months now, but I do know she bought an expensive house and he moved in with her. He’s still, I’m sure, railing about how I caused his poverty! Meh. I know the truth.

    • Back when ex was writing me partial support checks, I deposited one into my checking account and apparently ex didn’t have enough in his account to cover it, so he was hit with a $35 NSF fee by his bank. Well, he got all enraged about this and sent our son a barrage of texts saying it was all MY fault he got this fee and he was going to reduce my next check by $35 to make up for it. I told son to reply that ex was ALREADY paying far less than what was ordered so he’d better not even THINK of blaming me for his lack of ability to keep money in his personal checking account. I told son to also remind his dad of how far in arrears he was already. Not another word from ex.

  • If I could just chime in: I know I’m lucky to get checks, always on time for 4 years now. AP never has written them and her name is not on the checks…for now anyway.
    I can tell he always mails them from his office b/c of the automatic machine stamp.
    But today was different. Today’s envelope had a beautiful wedding stamp that said “forever love.”
    No doubt left over from their invitations for the big Nups this weekend.
    I laughed.

    • I guess the post office was out of stamps that said, “A love that will do . . . for now.”

      The man is a dick with ears.

      • Nomar, sometimes your comments crack me up! “The man is a dick with ears.”( This describes my ex perfectly.) Eloquent and a sense of humor. 😉 As an evolving Chump, I now know that most marriages fail because a third party is involved. And it still makes me mad! I just wish the disordered would only hook up with one another.

  • Deqr Kimmy– I hear you. I got a more than fair settlement, since I was so angry I basically nailed my ex-s balls to the concrete (sorry to all the nice guys on this list!). I had given up a reasonably well paid, and highly professional career, by mutual agreement–I was a “SAHM” who worked at least two consulting gigs at a time, went back to grad school full time (post Ph.D.), full time parented, cared for my dying mother, ran the house … and you know, the one was who made sure the oil got changed in the cars …. it was a good week if he rolled the garbage bins to the street, lol. Ex did work very hard, it’s true.

    It’s just that when he decided in his head–direct quote “I was no longer married to you [that is, me]” he spent 100% of the remaining time searching and or having affairs. So.

    So yeah, I get money. I spent all my inheritance shoring us up. I earned all the money buying and renovating the 3 housed we renovated. I fucking earned it.

    And I hate that his current schmoopie–an big a$$ heiress in her own right–got her nose all up in my settlement while we were divorcing and I had to fight like hell, and hire an additional lawyer (Ghengis Kahn, esq–in the Boston are I’d be leased to make a recommendation 🙂 )

    But–it’s over. It’s over. It’s over. He lives far, far away in the mystical land of California, where he Californicates with his Narc Schmoopie. I’m sure they blow the house off with the mutual narcissism–I do kind of wonder what a relationship like that looks like?

    Let it go, take the money, manage it well, and have a good life with no jackhole narcs in it.

    My ex wanted me to pay for something for daughter–she’s not a minor–I suggested politely that he go to hell, and that he get his millionaire GF to buy it. (And then of course I always see that she has what she needs).

    Money, as the economist say, is fungible: Merriam Webster says: “being of such a nature that one part or quantity may be replaced by another equal part or quantity in the satisfaction of an obligation”. It’s just stuff that gets you the stuff you need for you and your kids. Getting it from Schmoopie is really the ultimate revenge. (although I would copy the check in case they think it’s some clever trick to yank the support.)

  • CL….
    Thank you so much for posting my letter and answering! And….I know I sounded a bit bratty! This OW helped change the course of my children’s lives and now she is writing me checks for my daughters!!! It’s a bit hard to swallow at times I guess. I am just not all the way to meh yet! I am working on it. I am delighted to be free of exH and I am very okay with her having him. He got quite the prize too.

    I wish it hadn’t bothered me when I opened up the mailbox. But to be honest, I stood there shocked. Now I’m not even sure why. I really should have expected it!!!!!

    • In order to get to “meh” I think it is important to make your feelings conscious and then shift them. You felt humiliated by getting the check with her name on it …welcome that feeling as something that a normal, loving, caring person would feel and then turn it around and enjoy it in reverse. She had to sign a check to you instead of getting your ex to spend that money on her. She must have been angry when she had to write it. She is the one who is humiliated. Your karma bus has arrived and you are on your way to mehland!

    • kimmy,
      Your letter to Chumplady opened up an excellent conversation here at the Nation. So, thanks for being your ‘bratty’ self & writing it.

      That is what this awesome group of caring people is here for—-to help us regain focus and prospective & get the loving care we need when we have ‘one of those days’.

    • Oh Kimmy, I’m sorry. That would make me crazy too! My ex was a master of triangulation involving his ex wife in our lives. I don’t know if it hyper bonds them or if they just like drama. (These crazy cheaters). Even after all the cheating/sex addict/ abandoning me pregnant stuff I am still idiotically bitter about the drama and triangulation involving that ongoing interaction. And he was supposedly on my side! Um…point being is that being any part of that disordered triangle longterm will slowly and insidiously eat away at you until you turn into a wereshrew! So yes…sympathy to you on that crap! And when you figure out how to disengage and be zen let me know! Cause I have waaaay too many bitterness bunnies and I’d like to use the extra rent money I pay for them for something better.

      And lol at CL. For the record I wouldn’t take a check from satan. Unless it was like an apology check….for the damages my ex did while off leash. Golly I hope he goes back to his kennel in hell soon.

    • Kimmy, I think it was just a trigger. It was unexpected and it hit you, and hurt you again. But it won’t happen again because now you’re over the initial reaction. You can think about how you will approach any similar situations in the future. You will be fine. It just takes awhile to work through the triggers. You’re well on your way to Meh…you’re doing great.

    • You weren’t being a brat. This pair of losers has already hurt you and want to continue to do that. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are getting the money, in terms of our interest in your struggle, although we are very glad you got a good settlement; you still want to wounding to end. Blessings.

  • I’d take any check written by anybody. I would. I think it’s awesome he is diligent in sending checks. I know it would be so weird to get a check signed the OW – it would feel funny. But I totally agree with CL. It’s a check. Cash it and be thankful and hope to God she is able to do it again if you need it. 😀

    I get zero. I have a child in daycare and one in full day kindergartner then goes to daycare after. It’s close to $1,000 a month. I have to pay that every month. Plus their health insurance. I can’t afford health insurance for myself. Plus classes and clothes. The nut job won’t take them to the doctor because he’d have to pay for the $35 co pay. He throws a fit if I don’t pack clothes for them for their weekend because he won’t buy them clothes, but then conveniently ‘loses’ them so now the clothes I pack for them for his weekends are from thrift stores – i.e. clothes I don’t care about. If I don’t pack clothes, the kids stay in the same clothes for the entire weekend. Tried that one. I also pay for the kids lessons. He doesn’t do birthdays or Christmas so I buy all the bikes, trikes, barbies, cars and trains. He won’t buy them Halloween costumes when it is his year for Halloween. I don’t want my kids growing up not having the full right to a fun childhood. It’s all on me and the way I look at it is I don’t have to talk to a significant other about anything, I can do what I want – which in a way, I feel is pretty lucky. He also asked to borrow $100k when we were together. Now I’m in a lawsuit trying to get that back so I have that legal fee and the interest payment I’m paying on that loan every month. He also ‘works nights’ (so he says) and it has to be under the table because the government here says they run his SS# weekly and says he isn’t working. I have a 8-5 job then a job I can do from home on the side from time to time when the work is there – I am so thankful for that. That side job pays for the fun things we do, plus birthday parities, Santa Claus, etc.

    I don’t write the above for pity – it’s just how it is. I’d take any check signed by anybody and send out mental thank you’s while at the bank depositing it.

    Do these narcissistic assholes ever just go away?

    • Argh! I know this story. I also have resorted to thrift stores for clothes to take to their father’s. They have literally been returned to me shoeless with the explanation that he “forgot” to help them find their shoes. I spent a year ranting and being so frustrated by all the ways he used our children’s own possessions to be a jackass.

      And, may I add, he doesn’t pay a cent for our kids. I assumed all expenses when we separated (yes, this was chumpy of me, but also a practical way to get out and get clear when things got bad).

      It gets better as they get older though–I now tell them if the new birthday bike goes to Dad’s and never comes back, then they won’t have one at my house (where they spend most of their time). If they leave sporting equipment at Dad’s, they’ll have to sit out of the games until Dad brings it back or they go to their next stay with him. He hasn’t gotten any more responsible, but they have. One kid now practically itemizes what he takes with him so he can be sure to remember it all when he returns to me, and the other takes nothing because he hates having to keep track of what he’s left at Dad’s. Each to his own!

      But there is, as you mention, some satisfaction in getting to make the financial decisions.

  • Clearly there’s a message in her signing the check. But it’s sour-grapes ; “you may get his money but I got him” . Whoopty f*ckin doo! As everyone’s pointed out – you got the better end of the deal.

    I’d probably leave it alone, but I suppose if you want to send a message ylu could compliment her lovely penmanship.

  • My mother would say to take the money and run.

    Just look at it this way; the OW, the woman who helped destroy your family, is now stuck supporting it.

    Ah! Delicious!

  • I completely understand how this could push some emotional buttons you have, but a thought occurred to me as I read this and I thought it worth adding here… is it possible that your ex is balking at paying his 50% and the OW is stepping in to make sure you’re getting the money? I know, this may be giving undeserved credit and is just a thought. My exH’s new wife has seen the crap he dishes out to me and has, on occasion, stepped in to make sure I get what I need. After all, they are now having to live with the beast that is not longer your problem. As CL advises, just be happy to get the money – no matter who signs the checks!

    • I told Jackass he could use the money in our business account for child support because he lost over a week of work when his dad passed. I didn’t know his ex and she was a thoroughly unpleasant and dishonest woman, based on the written evidence. But give that cheater his due; he made all his payments and I didn’t want him to end up in court with her because he missed a payment due to the death of his father. Even though he was in high gaslight mode and falling in love with MOW Schmoopie. Chump but one with no regrets.

    • Yeah I had a similar thought. X is so fucked at managing money that he probably can’t pay…in fact I know this to be true….but something is being paid so where it comes from doesn’t matter to me.

  • I wonder if your ex didn’t really pay the bill. Maybe OW felt sorry for your kid and did it.

    In the end, the important thing is the check, though.

  • Hi, Kimmy, I can understand being irritated with OW. A few things to keep in mind to make your day: writing you a check is probably as much fun as living with a bee in her bonnet. I would laugh with glee if my husband’s mistress wrote me a check. As my husband decided to quit his six-figure earning job one week before retaining a divorce attorney, the kids and I will likely get next to nothing in maintenance. I am most concerned about OW, a multi-DUI award winner, driving my kids somewhere or emotionally abusing them in one of her drunken stupors.

  • Don’t give it a second thought. I know it hurts like hell but only initially. My exs bitch just paid 1800euros for my kids to go and see them ( they live in a different country) and it wouldn’t be this bizarre if not the fact that school break is only for a week, kids just got back from their dads in August ( yes, another 1800 euros) and are going there again for Xmas ( that would be 2500 probably). My ex is broke. Totally broke and I actually find it hilarious that she is THIS stupid. Hahahahaha

  • I know it sucked to see her name on that check. I absolutely understand that – it would upset me, too. And yes, she (or they) may very well be effing with you. However, I would offer this perspective: how interesting is it that they are still even thinking about you? It does take some effort to plan that little bit of nastiness.

    I discovered a string of text messages this weekend (spanning about 4 days) between the STBXH and the tramp that popped up on our daughter’s iPad. My goodness, what an education I got! They talk about me A LOT. She hates me. Like really, really hates me. Calls me every name in the book, bitches about the money I “take” from them (you know, to support our children), complains about me keeping his last name (it’s been mine for more than 18 years and it’s my children’s last name so I feel entitled to keep it if I so choose), asks him why he isn’t hacking into my email account to get information and on and on. I have never laid eyes on this woman, never had a conversation with her (barely speak to him!) and she is the one who harmed me and my children yet she loathes me. Is clearly jealous of me! Well, she should be jealous of me because I escaped and she is stuck as the target of his abuse. My point is that I had built them up in my head to the point of ridiculousness – I bought the social media “it’s true love and we couldn’t be happier” campaign hook, line, and sinker. I thought they were happy and I was suffering. Well, thank you to the universe because now I know better. After I stopped throwing up and hyperventilating I started to see the humour in the situation. And I realized that I am very powerful in their eyes – something that never occurred to me. I suspect it is like that for many of us chumps – we give them a lot more credit than they deserve. So maybe that is what’s going on with your cheater and his precious schmoopie: they aren’t doing the whole she-signs-the-check thing because they feel more powerful than you but rather because it’s such a petty little way to safely poke at you. Notice that you do get your check every week so who actually has the upper hand here?

    Hang in there, Kimmy! There is nothing wrong with what you felt when you saw that check. Now you can work through it – that horrible woman should have no power to make you feel so awful and eventually, she won’t.

    • His OW hates me as well! I just don’t get it. I am of the belief that she wanted my life. Well, now she has it!!!! Maybe she hates me even more now because she realizes she is stuck with it now and it looked so much better from the outside. Once I thought about the reasons behind why they would do this type of thing, I realized that perhaps they aren’t so happy. Happy people just don’t do these kinds of things. Maybe their lives are boring and they need this shit to fill the dead air space! They got no response or reaction from me.

      • i guess it is common for the OW to hate us. my XH MOW hates me too. i never did anything to her, i dont even know her, the only thing she knows of me is what XH told her sooOOOoo wtf was he telling her that makes her hate me so much?

        i also believe that she wanted my life. she saw what me and XH had, saw it was a good thing and wanted it. so when Xh would tell her how bad i treated him, how mean i was to him, how ______, she encouraged and supported him. she would tell him what to tell me, even when it concerned our children (she doesnt even have her own children, she walked out on them but yay, she knows what to do and say concerning MY children because she LOVES them sooo much). in fact, when i stopped playing their twisted little games, she would start shit up with me all on her own, calling me, texting me hateful stuff, blaming me for make believed issues. i still refused to play. i honestly believe the ONLY THING they had in common was hating and bashing me. so when i stopped participating, they actually found out they had nothing to talk about and had nothing in common. sad really.

        well, she finally got all that she wanted. my husband, me out of his life, even our children out of his life, i mean why be bothered with a silly little thing like visitations and child support. they recently moved, i am guessing out of town. i have no clue where he is, where he works, IF he is working, i have no cell phone number for him (although i do have hers but i will be damned if i have to go thru her to talk to him) so if anything happens to the children i just have to handle it myself. part of me is relieved and part of me is still dying. but i find it funny that they have nothing. absolutely nothing!! she will never have my life and she can never be me.

        they both told me i was boring, and that is why he left me. oh well. i am perfectly happy with my boring life, my boring job that pays the bills, my boring house, my boring children (who are really not boring at all), my boring vehicles, my boring 4 wheelers, my boring boat, my boring jet skis, my boring pool, my boring yard, you get the picture. haha

        my life is good and i am learning it is even better without him. i dont have to worry about where he is or who he is with or what he is doing. i dont worry every time i hear cops sirens. i dont have to worry about his passive aggressiveness or his lies or his gaslighting or his blaming everything on me. i am a little lonely but that is only temporary. he will never change, in fact he has gotten so much worse!! i am counting my blessings.

        when shit like this happens remember you cant control crazy. not your monkeys, not your circus.

        hugs to you.

        • They have to hate you, you have to be horrible so they can justify what they did to you. If you are nice – then they were horrible to a nice person – can’t live with that. Ignore it – drives them crazy.

        • mrsvain,

          I would consider it an honor to bring my boring self to your boring house and be boring with you. Just say when.

      • I know the OW.

        Initially, there were a string of texts and emails from her saying that she knew that his place was with me. That changed fairly shortly. She wanted to be Mrs. ImADick. It was pretty clear that she was very jealous of me.

        Well, I am not even sure if he’s told her that I’m divorcing his ass. I suppose he has; I know he spent a long time texting her after I told him. But he spends a lot of time texting her at the best of times.

      • My XH (not the cheater) had been married before, and I got along better with his XW than he or his son did. We are and were perfectly cordial, even in high stress circumstances like weddings. The Jackass had an XW and I never met or talked to her. But she was the subject of considerable discussion between us. At the time, I thought that Jackass had been royally worked over by the whole divorce process; his story of that circumstance painted him wholly as a victim. And to be fair, his XW played fast and lose with custody and finances, e.g., refusing to provide receipts and verifications, threatening him with contempt if he was 5 minutes late picking his 17-year old up, making excuses to withhold custody. I saw all the documentation going back 10 years. So I was “on his side.” It’s a powerful triangulation. He gets to be the victim and the martyr at home and because he let his daughter use his phone, the XW knew he was in a relationship and that set her off. So drama, kibbles and cake–a big pick-me dance on all sides. I regret every minute I wasted because I believed his version of things. Now I see them as very well-matched lying con artists, and I will run like a deer from any guy who is still emotionally wrapped up with any woman. It’s not just the cheating, which is a symptom of that need for centrality. A guy who isn’t over his X is unavailable. In many cases, I think the new love interest (even if, like me, she comes on the scene a decade later) senses when the ertswhile partner is not “done” with the X or perhaps can just see the evidence of that. Pretty sure APs probably live with a lot of angst because cheaters always like to keep a hook in a kibble source. Certainly, fighting his X over $$$ was a huge kibble source for Jackass, as well as a way to goad her into showing me she was the “bad guy.” If she hates you, it certainly isn’t personal because she doesn’t know you. She’s playing the part of a schmoopie in his drama. Cash those checks and forget about those two losers.

        • So well put LAJ. I had a very similar situation. My ex’s ex even admittedly cheated on him. Big red flag for me is any guy who tries to immediately garner sympathy for how his ex didn’t measure up. It’s a hell of a lot easier for a narc to distract you by directly or indirectly pitting you against their past relationship than it is for them to measure up to their promises. And I hate to say it but there’s probably a lot of women who are susceptible to the “poor me my ex was such a mean lady” shtick. Sometimes I do wonder how much of it is conscious when it comes to a true narc. I’ve always avoided the guy still hung up in any way on his ex. Mine walked a perfect line of appearing to be moved on but playing her crazy for sympathy kibbles. And she was crazy! He was so good at performing in the beginning but I swear he had emotional PD. Or you know……sort of like that beautiful house you buy only later to find it’s built on an indian burial ground and your cat comes back to life all wrong…yeah, my ex was a Stephen King novel emotionally.

          I’m sure lady narcs play the same ex game don’t they? Or is that more of a male narc thing?

  • It’s definitely the OW’s little way of showing you she “won” and gained the prize of your cheating ex. Whoopdee doo for her.

    I gotta agree with CL here. My ex is currently $43,000 in arrears on child support. He has been basically unemployed for more than four years to avoid paying. He never once contributed half of anything he was supposed to help pay for. I did not get the settlement on our house he owed me, I did not get the half of his 401k I was entitled to. He is taking me to court next month to get his ordered support reduced — I have no doubt he’ll succeed, as he’s pretty much homeless, but he’ll still owe the arrears. Unfortunately, I greatly doubt I’ll ever get that money, seeing as my ex is willing to live in an old RV parked in his sister’s driveway if it means not paying child support.

    Count your blessings, Kimmy, it could be a lot worse. Forget the OW — she thinks she’s so great…. she’ll be the one chumped eventually.

  • This is just one of the ways they’ll try to get to you. It won’t last. Have no reaction and they’ll get bored. Before you know it she’ll be gone anyway.

    • yes, she will not last and then you get to start the game all over with the NEW one he digs up out of the gutter, fun fun fun!!

  • Of course it would bother you, Kimmy. Recognize that but then smile. Smile because you got the money but no longer have to deal with the sorry excuse for a man. Keep on accepting what you feel but don’t give it story. All that matters is that you got the check on a timely basis. Pretty soon, it will just be another check.

  • Just think of the fights, discussions and general bitchiness they must have gone through for them to get to the point that she is actually taking the time and energy to write out and sign checks FOR HIS support obligations. (I cannot quite tell if they are HIS checks and she just chooses to sign, or they are HER checks and coming from her account). Either way, it’s sweet. Keep writing ’em losers, and keep ’em coming. It also shows that they think WAY TOO MUCH about you (the key is that in return you think not at all about them).

    You get to go on with your happy cheater-free and lie-free life partially on their dime, and they don’ t like that.

    Awesome!….Enjoy!!

    • It’s a joint checking account. With the way he is about money I was very surprised that he even agreed to or suggested this with her. She is still married and in the process of getting divorced.

      He really is so STUPID. But that was evident a long time ago!!!!

      • Oh hell Kimmy, she’s got a STBXH on the hook!

        If your XH insists on only phone contact in the future make all the calls from that bitches STBXH’s phone. Caller ID is such a good thing.

      • Yeah, that won’t last. I got a few support checks from a joint account early on. Sweeeeeet. Thanks for marrying him and becoming legally responsible for his debts! Now they come just from him. I don’t know if he’s back to his old controlling ways, or if she got smart and puts her paycheck in an account just for herself.

  • Hi Kimmy…yeah I get it….seeing her name on the check but CL’s right. Blow it off.
    When my XH and I were legally separated he was paying my Cobra insurance payment. He made out the check and I sent it in. OW insisted to him that I put the policy number on the memo line. They weren’t even married. Pissed me off so bad. Really? She’s telling me what SHE wants?? I refused to do it. I’d put some horse shit hieroglyphics on the memo line.

    Oh and get this. I had a mammogram come back bad and they needed me in for another one. I guess XH shared this ‘news’ with OW. When the second one came back clear she expressed in an email to him how ‘relieved’ she was to hear this news. Can you believe this phoney ass shit? Here’s a skank that will fuck my husband and napalm my life, but she is so very, very concerned about my worrisome mammogram. Gawd I hate these people.

    • I got that, ‘I was worried about you–and told him (my cheater husband) that he should tell you about us (cheater husband and mistress)’ from the mistress. And here I was thinking that worrying about someone meant calling her or bringing over cookies–not bonking somebody else’s husband to start your own family in another state.

    • Yes, they were both so worried about me when i was in a car accident a few weeks after throwing him out. He barged into my home yelling about how “horrible people were” for not telling him about the accident. He cried on me and croaked out that, despite everything, i was still his wife and he cared if i was ok.

      ? ? ? ?

      One: it was a fender bender with bumps and bruises and 2 cars out of commission. I had minor burns from the airbag and the other person had a sore back.

      Two: I was his wife and he cared if i was ok? Wtf?

      Three: His caring got me a nasty phone call from OW , no doubt angry he came running back to my side for whatever reason he told her. And almost got him arrested and OP’d for entering my home without permission and acting all crazy till my brother threw him out. At 6’5″, one leaves when he asks one to. Lol

      The fakery fuckery they come up with is disturbing and disgusting.

  • Always remember: if other people were real to them, they couldn’t lie, cheat, back-stab, shortchange their kids–the whole cheater playbook. And they condescend to others because they are, doncha know, superior to the rest of us. The rules don’t apply. People talk about individuals on the Asperger’s/Autism spectrum as having difficulty with socialization. We have a sweet child in our family who struggles with Asperger’s, and he looks like a career diplomat next to a narcissist who demands constant attention and constant affirmation of his superiority; who think condescension is the appropriate conversational tone for pretty much everyone he isn’t courting in some way; and whose base expression is a smirk. So there will always be an endless variety of gauche, selfish, and inappropriate actions out of these people.

    • “. . . he looks like a career diplomat next to a narcissist who demands constant attention and constant affirmation of his superiority; who think condescension is the appropriate conversational tone for pretty much everyone he isn’t courting in some way; and whose base expression is a smirk.” Why does it always come as a surprise to me, after lo these many months, that I can read a description from someone on here and think, “yep, I can paste Cheater McRectum’s picture next to this one?”

      And to think, if he had not run off into the sunset with Reverend Imaho, I would still be there dining at his shift buffet and hand feeding him kibbles. Yes, Virignia, there is a God.

        • Chump Princess: ooooo…this line! “demands constant attention and constant affirmation of his superiority; who think condescension is the appropriate conversational tone for pretty much everyone he isn’t courting in some way; and whose base expression is a smirk.”

          This hits me right in the belly – in a funny way, thankfully. Now that we’re done and still trying to work out selling the house, I now get his ‘superiority’, after I’ve held it for the past 9 months and he hated that. ha. The condescendence, the superior deep voice, and his famous…’ok, now, listen to me. Or, ok, this is the way it IS’.
          He’s no longer the meek simple guy he was during the divorce, hoping I’d cave in to his demands and make it easy for him to come away with more money. (didn’t happen)

          Yeah, sorry asshole. You gave up your control card once this hit the courts. And guess what? I now know to play your game now and it’s over.

  • Kimmy,

    Here is a shitty woman who did the shittiest, unclassiest thing imaginable by sleeping with somebody’s husband. She broke up your home – she hurt you, and she hurt children. She follows up this shitty behavior by trying to get ‘digs’ in at you. She is a class A loser. Instead of thinking “she won”, consider how damn pathetic she is, and be grateful that you were blessed with class.

    If it makes you feel better, people that are “happy” don’t do shitty things to people they’ve already been shitty to. Take pleasure in her obvious miserableness. She richly deserves it. As a Christian, I would add that people that are that shitty need our pity and prayers (not there yet, but consider it from time to time).

    • “Here is a shitty woman who did the shittiest, unclassiest thing imaginable by sleeping with somebody’s husband. She broke up your home – she hurt you, and she hurt children. She follows up this shitty behavior by trying to get ‘digs’ in at you. She is a class A loser. Instead of thinking “she won”, consider how damn pathetic she is, and be grateful that you were blessed with class.”

      You nailed it Einstein! Love this response! I think I will be posting this on my refrigerator.

  • brilliant response. I needed this kick in the ass too. We all have our buttons. Learning to not respond is a LEARNED response.

  • Kimmy,

    I totally understand your initial reaction to seeing that check signed by her. Such a petty, in your face, na-na-ne-na-na from one-half of that middle school “romance.” So many of us still have those tender spots that these disordered pig’s asses like to poke (my apologies to hard working asses of pigs everywhere). I live it, so I get it.

    You refuse to talk to him. You have asserted some control and authority over your own life. Lundy Bancroft nailed it when he talked about the abusive types being all about exercising power and control – it’s not their feelings that is the problem, but their thinking. By not talking to him, you’ve also removed an element of intrigue and excitement from their relationship – that triangulation that Time Heals and so many others have mentioned. Your ability to leave him be makes him appear less of a prize to her so they both have to pretend that child support is not so you can capably and adequately provide for your children. NOOO! Never that! It is a nefarious plot, conceived by you and the court, to maintain a relationship with HIM and compete with HER for his specialness. (Pause now and throw up in your hand). She showed you! She wrote you a check! And signed it! Take that!

    These people love attention and you’re not giving them any. That’s why no contact is so blissful – it helps us with our healing and it usually has the unhoped for advantage of driving these attention whores mad.

    Be upset Kimmy. Then march your upset self to the bank and deposit that check. I’ll bet when you’re spending that money, you will start feeling much better. And do me a favor – sign it with a flourish. 😉

  • Here’s advice from Chump Son to me on the same issue:
    Make a copy of all those checks. Keep them in a file. And when they are really pissing you off, look at page after page of all that lovely money they had to pay you.

    • Loving this post! Kimmy you are splendid! Love that you are open and honest enough to say this petty dig pissed you off (hugs from one normal human being to another 🙂 ) and totally, totally love CL and the Nation’s responses. Thought I’d catch up before I went to bed and have been reading for 2 hours now – smiling and laughing out loud at lots 😀

      @skatergirl

      Chump Son always had great advice and insight – what a cracking piece of advice there re the ‘for-when-they-piss-me-off-file’ 🙂 ha!

  • Chump Princess – that was perfect! Well said. And, always nice to hear advice from ChumpSon – that would be lovely to look at – yes. Do that too!

  • Somebody, please help me out here. I’ve been reading far too many posts of the spouse not paying their share of child support or spousal. I thought the whole reason for having this written up in the Divorce decree and subsequent paperwork for support, signed, sent to a US judge – is final. It’s what we paid all that money to attorneys and a judge, for God’s sake.

    I understood that they can garnish wages and there is a big group that goes after dead-beat spouses, working as volunteers, or something.

    How is it that this is not enforceable by law??

    If it’s ordered by a court – it should be enforced. What am I missing?

    • I haven’t talked to my caseworker in over a year, but her comment to me on the $80,000+ exH owes is that it’s their goal to get SOMETHING. My exH is somtimes self-employed, and his sometimes employer refuses to withhold for support, so I’m screwed. He sends about half of his new, reducing monthly payment every few months – just enough to keep them from filing charges. He is such an idiot though, and bought a very expensive new house this year, despite asking the courts to find him “indigent”. That should all pop up soon, but trying to stay “meh” and not engage. I’ll let him sink his own ship. But no, the enforcement is super lax…by the time my kids ar 18, he’ll owe almost $400,000. Classy.

    • Technically it is enforceable by law, but in reality, it’s very easy for a deadbeat to get away with not paying ordered support. They can do what mine did, quit their job and work under the table, that’s a very common ploy. Or just move a lot, without giving forwarding address. Or hide their money and then claim they are indigent. Or simply not bother to pay.

      State child support agencies are overwhelmed with cases and often don’t really bother to go after deadbeats, beyond simply attaching their wages (if they have wages that aren’t hidden under the table). My state agency has been next to useless.

      You can go to court to try and force the deadbeat’s hand, but that just costs YOU money, and there is still no guarantee the deadbeat will do anything differently. While in theory a deadbeat can be jailed for excessive levels of arrears, that’s not very likely to happen. No way it would happen in my state, where criminals are being set free because jails are overcrowded.

      If a deadbeat is willing to have his/her credit score ruined and lower his/her standard of living, they can pay a bare minimum or nothing at all, and very little is likely to happen to them.

  • Kimmy –
    Great timing on your question – I just encountered this very thing the last two months too on the additional shared medical expenses my ex has to reimburse me for (and this will happen for a soon to be third month where “schmoopie” can sign her NEW MARRIED NAME on my next check as the soulmates got married last weekend). I also was very upset about see this, so I can see where you are coming from. And not that I was whining and complaining about it either… I just saw it was a real “dick” movie or like a knife in my back from the OW to not only address the envelope, write out the check, but now also sign HER NAME on the check (from HIS checking account). The first time it REALLY upset me. The second time wasn’t so bad. Hopefully by the third time later this month with her “new name” I won’t even notice. 🙂 (yeah, right. I can hope.)

    However, I did not react at all and let my ex know it bothered me. I know that’s what he wanted. Yes it did really upset me and throw me for a loop, especially for him to drag “her” into it. There was no reason to other than to play games and be cruel. I vented to my family and friends instead of to him. I thought ok, well, yes, I did get my money at least and I made sure I cashed that check without ever letting him know I noticed it.

    So, just wanted to let you know I TOTALLY RELATE to this and your feelings on this because I am going through the exact same thing! 🙂 (And I am sure other posters are right.. the MORE the ex maybe “makes” them write out the check the more resentful she might become, so we win.

    PS I changed back to my maiden name after the divorce. He insisted on continuing to use “his” name (my old married name) on all my checks, envelopes, etc. even though he knew I changed my name (and conveniently used the “right” name when he needed something from me). I never reacted to him doing that either. That went on for months. Then when I didn’t react, miraculously my “real” new name was used. But it had to be all signed/completed by her. It’s one thing for the ex to play games, but for OW to get involved really does annoy me. I know some say maybe she is doing that out of the goodness of her heart to make sure I get paid. I do not think so in this case because ours is outlined in our divorce decree (recurring medical expenses) and he is too scared to lose his job, which he could if he doesn’t pay what he needs to. So while he won’t pay for anything over and above for our kids, and while he cringes on even paying the minimum, it’s not that she’s paying it because he won’t in my case.

  • My Ex’s girlfriend writes my checks too.

    Yes, it’s a dig to put me in my place.

    I have wonderful manners and grace, in the memo I write thank you.

  • Kimmy, is it possible there is trouble in paradise and she is setting him up for the fall? She can claim later, “Look, I paid for everything including child support!”.
    My sister bought a house with a man she was not married to. When they split he claimed all the equity and took her to court for it, demonstrating to the court that he had paid the mortgage every month– see, here is the collection of checks!… Yes, at his suggestion she gave him cash monthly for her half. Tricky.

  • My ex pays a very, very small amount in child support and that’s it. And each month, on the appointed day, the money is not there. So I send a few texts for the next week and eventually he pays, unless he’s ‘strapped’ that month, which means he’ll try to get me to give a shit. Which I don’t and I won’t and I tell him either the pays or I take it to the authorities.

    And I deal with this every. single. month.

    I cannot wait for the day when I don’t have to deal with it at all but I am grateful that his girlfriend isn’t involved.

  • My XH’s support checks come from a joint account with his sister. His father writes out the checks and addresses the envelopes (though XH signs the checks). I wonder if this is something similar.

  • You are right. It IS a move by the OW designed to piss you off.

    After Ex (still stbx at the time) had moved his schmoopie into his parents’ house with him (Wow, right?) and she had given up parental rights over her 2 small children to her own mother for a year (yep, that happened so she could focus on her new life with shithead), he never bothered to change his address. I would save his mail for a week and mail it in one envelope to his parents house. With Mr. Shithead Cheaterpants and the return address as Mrs. Shithead Cheaterpants. Because I knew it pissed OW off like nothing else that i was his wife and she wasn’t. And couldn’t be until i could afford the lawyer’s retainer fee. As he had no money (he had a job, but spent everything and never saved.) And she was unwilling to pay it herself, the deliriously happy couple simply had to wait. Took me 3 months to save it up as i had taken on all the household expenses myself. In all, there was 7 months of me sending mail to their love nest. How did i know it pissed her off? She would text me over it. Also told me to stop messing with his mail as it was a federal offence. I never opened it, just sent it to the proper address and reminded her that he should change his address if they didn’t want me touching it at all. I wasn’t going to let it sit in my mailbox for 7 months. The last pack of mail i sent them included a change of address form from the post office. She had to fill it out for him lol

    The OW got her chance to ‘get me back’ by sending me the settlement check out of her own checking account. It did needle a little bit, but then i had to laugh. She had to pay me so she could keep him. As they divorced a few years later because, surprise, he was cheating on her…she did finally figure out that he was never worth it.

    Tangent. .. but yes it was designed to piss you off. But only because their twoo wuv epic romance can’t be epic without a villain to fight. Whether the villain is fighting. .or even actually a villain doesn’t matter in their destiny saga.

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