Even Mama June can kick a cheater to the curb. Usually the object of reality TV derision, (and okay, rightly so… how many fart jokes can prime-time television endure?) June Shannon showed admirable decisiveness when she discovered her partner “Sugar Bear” Mike Thompson was online dating. She dumped the jerk and announced to the world they were separated.
Ratings ploy? Who knows. I’ll take that story line over the new Showtime series “The Affair,” which is the usual sexy, tortured, misunderstood cheater schlock.
I’m sure there will be in inevitable commentary that June’s partner had to cheat, because she’s so homely. Leaving aside that he’s no oil painting himself, and the fact that he had a commitment ceremony with her last year knowing exactly what she looked like, you have to applaud a 300+ pound woman’s moxie.
“If a guy doesn’t love everything about you, move on! There are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
“There are plenty of other fish in the sea”. Too bad so many of them have to be thrown back.
When I read about this, I actually felt bad about this. I found it very disappointing. People commented on this and many replies were quite nasty concerning her looks and weight, but people have to realize that women who look a lot better than June get cheated on and women who are not so hot looking are chosen to be affair partners.
June isn’t stupid. She’s doing the right thing by leaving a cheater. If Sugar Bear is cheating, he’s hurting his bio daughter Alana plus the other girls. He may not be their bio father, but he has been involved in their lives.
This sickens me. What the fuck is wrong with so many people??
“people have to realize that women who look a lot better than June get cheated on and women who are not so hot looking are chosen to be affair partners.”
Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with a skeezy tatoo artist (among others–but then again, she was wife #3, and wife #2 was a porn star, so it’s not exactly like the freak flag was well hidden). It’s not the chump that is the problem.
I remember that happened not long after she gave that moving Golden Globe acceptance speech where she said something to the effect that her work got better after meeting him because she had never known what it was like for somebody to have her back before meeting him. 🙁
I remember that. I was disappointed to the point of feeling a bit heartbroken that a tattooist I was actually a fan of was involved in that. Everyone told me it wasn’t a big deal because “her work is still the same” and I just thought “No…not to me it isn’t anymore…”
Hugh Grant & Liz Hurley & the transvestite! I think the cheater knows they don’t deserve the chump (looks, personality, loyalty, whatever it may be) and so they look for someone they can control.
This does make me sad though, I like this family. Hopefully it is just for ratings.
“people have to realize that women who look a lot better than June get cheated on and women who are not so hot looking are chosen to be affair partners.”
I was 50 lbs heavier when I discovered that STBX was cheating. I didn’t lose the weight as part of a pick-me dance–OW is at least 3 inches shorter than I am and weighs over 200lbs so she’s heavier than I ever was.
Cheaters cheat because they can.
Good for Mama June!
The OW in my case had 10 years on me, bankrupt, smoked, drank and divorced her first husband due to his drug use. Hey nothing says true love more than a risk of STD/HIV. I applaud Mama June. This is a woman who knows who she is and isn’t afraid to stand her ground. You go girl!!!
Just watched the preview for The Affair. *mimes gagging*
“When two honest, good people can’t control their feelings for each other, it says a lot about the consequences of desire.” Out of the male lead’s mouth in the behind the scenes look.
Sorry! “Honest, Good people” DON’T HAVE AFFAIRS. Yes there is a consequence for desiring someone outside of your marriage.
The female in the “wife” roll spills some nonsense about people don’t have affairs when their marriage is in a bad place. Often it’s when their marriage is in a good place. … err.. What? If there is an affair.. it’s simply not a good marriage. And if that’s the reasoning.. we should want bad marriages so no one cheats?..
My brain hurts now.
Momma June, you go girl! I’ve never watched the show, but heard about and saw the pics of their commitment ceremony. He knew exactly what she looked like and by then their “fame” had been normal for them. No excuses and she is mighty!
Haven’t heard about this yet. I think I might want to do a Mystery Science Theater with cheater during an episode.
Cheaters IRL, at least mine anyways, tend it deeply identify with fictional characters. Their plight is soooo Don Draper, or Christian Grey. Barf. My cheater and his MOW are huge TV addicts, alcoholics and assholes. I can only imagine how deeply touched they would be to see themselves on the small screen with this series.
I missed it when it happened, but somewhere we crossed the line to where there are way more people with mommy issues, daddy issues, delayed adolescence, nymphomania, sadism, narcissism, BPD, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc. than there are people without. You know, normal people, who don’t think they were put on this earth to live out some sort of fantasy or have intense orgasms until the day they die even if it’s by autoerotic asphyxiation.
The inmates run the asylum now. TV programming just reflects who the audience is.
Yuck, I just watched some of that trailer and behind-the-scenes too. What is WRONG with these people?? “There are no good people or bad people in life, people just do what need to do to get by.” While lying to their spouses? Disgusting garbage glamorizing cheating – the poor guy, he “married young and achieved everything he wanted to early in life,” now he “just can’t control himself.” What tripe! His wife is just “something he achieved?” Talk about glamorizing narcissism too along with cheating.
Well, I guess this just falls under untangling the skein. None of that makes any sense at all…
So, gross BUT I do love me some Dominic West…So I’m torn. I guess they will portray the internal “struggle” of the cheaters, blech. And from the trailer it looks like everyone’s cheating on each other.
I don’t care what you look like, you deserve love and respect from those who claim to love and respect you.
THAT is exactly it. Well said.
Go Mama June. Although I must admit I’ve never watched a minute of Honey Boo Boo in my life. Not much into reality TV.
Looks and weight have nothing to do with affairs. It’s all about the kibbles that affair partners provide. Our Sparkly spouses got bored with real life, the bills and the bus schedules. The along comes the AP winking and blinking at them and you know, it’s just SooOOoo hard to resist when you’re a Cluster B personality type and you need nonstop attention and adoration that one person can’t possibly provide 24/7 to your gigantic ego.
So off you go to greener pastures where most certainly the new schmoopie will lick your boots daily and tell you how freakin’ fantastic you are. For about nine minutes. Then it’s off to look for a new schmoopie. The part I don’t get in these dynamics are the schmoopie’s. They get involved with a MARRIED person, thinking that they are so Dang Special, as in The Ankle’s case, the one with the platinum pussy who can tame this wild beast of man. Pfffft.
Are these affair partner’s as delusional as the sparkly people? That’s always been my question. I get that our spouses are lacking an important component of humanism but where do they find all these assholes to go along with them? One Narc to another, maybe??
Syringa, to answer your question about the affair partner: I think of those end of year clearance sales where the unwanted clothes are thrown on a large table at some stores. Immoral, deranged, desperate, and dumb cheaters and their immoral, derange, desperate, and dumb affair partners arrive late to the sale but insist on rooting through that loathsome pile until they find the item they consider the ONE–the torn, ugly, loose, and possibly dirty pair of underpants. At the checkout stand, any price, even the family, is considered reasonable and will gladly be paid.
Dirty underpants indeed! What a great analogy Rockstarwife. That’s about what these affair partners are.
I agree….they are just as immoral.
Hey rockstarwife! Sometimes I find a good buy on those sale tables, lol!
Oh, yes, Syringa, I think it takes more disorder to pursue someone who is married. Something not quite right there. Funny as hell though. Even in my early days it made me laugh. Two stupid people, no surprise there. And what a love story! I wonder what they tell people. My ex actually snuck off to marry his whore and then had a big fake ceremony a couple months later. My children attended and overheard her guests gossiping about her other two marriages. Yeah, fine woman. Registered at Target for shit brown towels, appropriate don’tcha think? I wonder how my ex felt saying those vows.
Or as my sausage said “my life isn’t over yet!!” in order to justify his cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting behavior.
In my case, my EX cheated with a coworker that was cohabitating with someone else, so they are both cheaters. Guess it takes 2 of a kind. Hope they both get what they deserve (if nothing else, suspicion in the back of their minds all the time).
Never watched the show, but good for her – getting rid of scum like that!
Same questions went through my mind. My ex cheated on me for 2 years with a married woman. He left, they are still together, she is STILL married living with her husband and daughter. Her husband still believes they are just friends but my ex shares an apartment with her. It’s f’d up.
The other day, I was so pissed at him that I drove over to his place to chew his head off. He was not there. Guess who I saw… The whore was at the pool watching her daughter swim. She was sitting poolside with a man that I know is not her husband. As soon as she saw me, she scrambled.
Syringa, that’s something I wondered about myself. What was the Affair Partner getting from a relationship with my husband? His story was that she had been cheated on, didn’t want a “relationship”, she was too honorable for that, etc. Etc. While in a relationship with him. It didn’t add up. Why was a creature sooo fabulous sneaking around with a married man. I mean, since she could “have any man she wanted” and all…
All the Affair Advice info tells you not to confront the AP, so being a good sheet, I didn’t. I had meet her a couple of times years before, but hadn’t seen her or talked to her since the cheating was exposed. Needless to say, chump that I am, I thought she was superior to me, and that “caused” the cheating.
One day, after months of him saying he had dropped her, guess what? He was lying. I lost my shit, and called this whore from his phone. At 3 a.m. Lol. She was not happy, to put it mildly. Called ME a c$@t, etc. I guess she was confused on the meaning of the term. She hung up on me, but we proceeded to text for about an hour, right in front of Mr. Chump who sat there looking stupid and asking me “to please not do this.” How pathetic, on the part of everyone involved. Long story short, this whore was very insulting to me. I’m fat, lazy, crazy, old, etc. You name it. I was actually very rational and kept to the facts myself. Primarily, that she is a whore dating a married man, and raising up a girl just like herself.
I think this confrontation was the best thing I’ve ever done, and would do it again in a millisecond. In that short amount of time, I saw what a sham she really is. She needed the ego kibbles even more than he did, if that’s possible. An aging 40 something road whore, who has been tossed back in every legitimate relationship she has had. It was like communicating with a Middle Schooler. If I’m so pathetic, why was she so thrilled someone pathetic enough to date and marry me would sneak around with her? Completely illogical.
Anyway, after the confrontation, pretty much any negative thoughts I had about myself in comparison to the AP completely disappeared. Shes just a common variety road whore, after all. The final step in seeing the whole picture. The marriage literature wants you to learn everything you can to see what he/she has that you don’t, so you will know
what attracted your spouse, in other words, blameshifting. Again. Finally after you see they had nothing, you see it’s not you, it’s not the AP and theirperfection, it’s your screwed up cheater, projecting What they don’t have onto them.
I love these two posts, NotJuliet. I am a 21 y.o. female, who’s been reading Chump Lady for the past few months. I was cheated on by my child’s father (I had a baby at 19), and kept wondering, ‘what does she have that I don’t have?’ I am naturally thin and petite, finishing up my last year and a half of undergrad. She is obese and barely passed high school. I kept focusing on what does she physically have that I don’t? mentally? and so on…
In his words, some time after the break-up, he literally said, “She stroked my ego, made me feel special.” That’s when I thought, ‘what a loser.’ He threw away our family life and then-five-month old for an ego stroking? Then, he would say things like the other woman was ‘beneath him’ and made him feel like he had power over him. Hearing those comments made me realized how f-ed up he is. And that cheating really is ALL about the cheater.
There were red flags all along, but I spackled over them. I won’t do that any longer. I am finished with losers from now on in my life. Plus, I think the ‘karma bus’ has hit the ex pretty hard. He’s been fired from two jobs in less than one year’s time. His family is on to him constantly about his stupid behavior and ideals, and they are 100 times more involved with our son than he is (and he gets bitched at for this by them, as well).
I’m glad Mama June is done with this guy, too. I hate how responders on the external links comment about her weight. It doesn’t matter, and at least she knows she won’t deal with the bullshit of her former partner.
Thank you, Beth! You have wisdom at a young age that many people won’t have until decades later. If ever. It took me a while longer….
I think most of us have “what did the AP have that I didn’t have?” and we imagine that someone the person our partner is cheating with has to be amazing, wonderful, beautiful or handsome, smart and witty, etc., because that idea seems a way to answer the larger questions, which are “why would someone who loves me cheat on me? treat me this way? be so cruel? leave me for someone else?”
Put aside for the moment that fact that a relationship that has gone on 10, 20 or thirty years may be due for a tune up, a second honeymoon, a regular date night, or maybe even some really good marital counseling to help the couple reconnect. That involves 2 people who want the marriage to succeed, who are both committed.
Trust CL on the fact that cheaters cheat because they feel entitled. Because they need ego kibbles. Because cheating gives them access to cake. What the disordered narcissist cheater wants is not an actual person, but a being who will reflect their specialness back to themselves. When I asked my therapist what Jackass saw in his married schmoopie, she said that the MOW “worshipped him.” She hadn’t yet had an opportunity to disagree with him, want something he didn’t want to give, see behind the facade of love-bombing specialness, or have the bubble of mutual fantasy exploded. By my own metrics, he traded pretty far down on every scale but age, and even that is a liability for her as she has kids still in school he would have to help raise and educate (and I know he doesn’t want to do that). But at the moment she first contacted him, she sparked that need he has to be admired, to have his specialness and wonderfulness reflected back in a new person’s eyes. The deal is that long before we encountered these jackasses, they were looking for a spouse or partner to provide “cover,” social respectability, money, children and childcare, and other mundane stuff. And the very things we admire the most about ourselves–our hard work at a job and at home; the love we give our partner and the family; the effort we make to create a home; our loyalty; our stabilty; our capacity for empathy and caring–all those things are what they come to despise in us because (1) we can do that and they can’t, so they are reminded of what they don’t have, which is intolerable to them; (2) there’s nothing sparkly about waking up beside the same person day after day. The secret to why a cheater went for a particular affair partner? The affair partner was in the line of sight and showed interest in giving out kibbles. Lots of kibbles. Don’t forget that the sneaking, lying, cheating, and getting over on the spouses is a huge source of kibbles. And what’s in it for the single AP cheating with someone who is married? Lots of sex, attention, high-risk behavior, excitement and “limerance” with someone who will never require real intimacy. With someone who has a spouse at home to wash the underwear or cut the grass. And of course, that delicious sense of competing with, taking something away from and “beating” the unwitting spouse, who doesn’t even know there is a competition going on.
Despite warnings to the contrary, I confronted the OW the day the divorce was finalized. I made an appointment with her under a fake name and she met with me. She turned pale when she saw me, but accepted to talk to me. The strangest thing happened during our conversation: she sounded exactly like my narcissistic-bisexual-cheater-ex. She was his feminine version, but so cold and masculine, identical to him and so different from me (except for being a mom and working in the same profession). She is a Chump-turned-OW, with no empathy. Very strange woman….but I had an awesome feeling after I left because, additionally to being a downgrade, she was also his mirror, or shadow…It was a confirmation that he is in love with himself and she is a reflection of that. It was the final move I needed to reach meh, now that I don´t have any reason to think that she may be better than me in any way…
You can leave and they go on to their next victim, or you can die and they go on to their next victim. I chose to kick him out so he can go onto his next victim. Because they WILL pick a next victim no matter what.
Ugh, why do people think it’s ok for someone to cheat just because their partner isn’t perfect? I haven’t seen the show, but I imagine Mr. 5′ 2″ Sugar Bear is pretty Nasty himself. I think a person’s values and their actions to support those values are the most important things about a person anyway. I come from the South, and there are lots of “country” folks around. They aren’t “glamourous” for the most part, but many of them are kind and loving. No matter what this lady looks like is irrelevant, and I’m glad she isn’t tolerating this guy’s crap.
What does fat, thin, short, tall, blonde, brunette (et al ad nauseam) have to do with cheating anyway!?!?! Oh, that’s right, only the disordered need strange to function and they will come up with fantastic fucked up
reasons on why they needed to cheat. “You gained weight honey and I am no longer attracted to you. We don’t have anything in common. Etc!” Yeah, my ex was and is a piece of work. Shitty shallow entitled character anyone? Don’t know the show but what a great way to model respect and healthy boundaries…. Hey if Cheater Boy wants plenty of fish let him have it!
Hi Chump Nation, I found these videos on youtube. Very helpful, very on the spot with what Tracy tells us…
Victims of Narcissists: move on!
Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?
That’s Sam Vaknin, self professed narcissist (takes one to know one) with enough intellectual detachment to analyze his own self. I spent hours on his web site early on when I was trying to figure out what the hell just happened to my life. Very helpful.
I had to turn on the closed captions as I was having trouble with the accent. .. about died laughing seeing how it translated the words.
But yes, very helpful.
Hi Chumpalicious, yes, his videos are helping me out together more pieces of the puzzle in my mind and my heart. Chumplady is more direct and to the point but this compliments the ideas for me.
As much as I try to trust that the xh sucks I am still grieving a lot.
Dear Gaby. You will eventually stop grieving. I know it is hard to believe but trust me you will. I loved my ex husband for 45 years and the pain was terrible and I grieved and thought I would die. In fact, I prayed to die but not now. I have stopped grieving and you will also. Be kind to yourself. You will come out the other end in time and be happy once again. My best wishes to you.
thanks so much for your kinds words Maree. I am so sorry your xh stole 45 years of your life. Mine stole 20 and I felt like dying too. Can’t imagine 45.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want the stupid cheater back. But I never knew he was a cheater until d-day and before that I was really in love and invested in my family. He left, destroyed everything, my kids went to college and I am completely alone. It’s too much loss for my little heart right now.
Gaby, they do destroy everything sadly. I really understand where you are at, at the moment and it seems like your pain will never end. But end it will. I am glad you have found Chump Lady. I only wish I had found her and all the wonderful Chumps earlier when I was at my lowest. I am at meh now but I still come back here because no matter how well I think I have healed, I still need to little guidance from everyone’s brilliant comments because they remind me to keep on staying strong and to keep moving forward. Gaby, keep coming back here daily until you start to feel stronger please. It will get better I promise you and just remember you are not alone, Chump Nation has your back.
Maree..I too need to come here to Chump Lady to keep moving forward. I am 8 months from Dday, and I thought I’d been doing fairly well. However, the last few weeks have been a struggle, for no particular reason. It’s like I took 10 steps back! I’m asking myself those same old questions again..what does she have that I don’t have, how could he do this to me after 25 years of marriage, why did he stop loving me. And yep..I suddenly started thinking about how perfect their lives are, how they are so in love. As a matter of fact, the last time I spoke to STBX regarding our daughter, he seemed beyond happy. Sounded like he was so glad to get rid of me so he could spend eternity with his long-term OW. And that really, truly hurts me to the core. I haven’t heard him so happy in a long, long time. Then I get to the “why is this fair” part..he’s the one that screwed me over, yet I’m the one who gets stuck with all of the responsibilities, and I get to be lonely while he’s over the moon in love. I’d like to know if anyone hear has backslid like this..and if so, do you have any pointers to help move past it?
Sandy, what you are going through is very normal. Even though I am at meh, every now and again I still feel sad because of my lost 45 years. However, from that came my 2 kids and even though they don’t speak to me, I have never regretted having them. They are my very best achievements. Of course you STBX sounds happy. Everything is still shiny and new. Once that wears off he will be the same rat he has always been. As CL states, he cannot get a character transplant. Also, he is not over the moon in love, he is over the moon in sex. Big difference. We have all taken 5 steps forward and a couple back but eventually you take many more forward steps than back ones. None of us will ever forget our betrayals but we will heal from them. We owe it to ourselves to get over it, as hard as that is. Ask yourself Sandy, “do you want him back”? If your answer is ‘no’ then you are on your way. My very best to and please of keep coming back to this fantastic site. It literally saved my life and I am sure many more.
Like Maree said – you will heal, I promise you that, too. Once you finally and truly believe that he sucks, there is no turning back. You could not even imagine being in the same room with him. But allow yourself to grieve. It hurts like crazy but you will come out on the other side a lot healthier and happier.
Thank you for taking the time to encourage me Uniquelyme. I know I have to be patient with the process but as you say… it hurts like crazy. Gosh, I am having a very hard day.
I know the pain is unbearable now but it won’t hurt like this forever. Gradually you will find your way through the debris and come out the other side.
I lost 30 years of investment and my son moved out the same week as exH, my daughter a few months later and took the dog! I have learned to live alone, I used to hate it but now I’m ok with it. Keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically and know that you are not alone. I, too wish this site had been around when my ex left but even 3 and a half years later, (and btw it doesn’t consume me now) I find great comfort in Chump Nation. Keep going
verity297, you are very kind to take the time to write and encourage me. Thanks so much! One day at a time, right?
Gaby, your plate is clean, so to speak, and now you have time and space to build your own awesome life. Remember that you were always going to face an empty nest some day (although once they finish college, they often return). And you are still in the early stages. The pain is horrific and it will take a while to diminish to bearable levels. My cat died a week before D-Day (an event which set D-Day in motion, actually). it’s hard to feel like you are losing everything. Think about adopting another pet or two. So many animal need homes, and it helps immensely to have another beating heart in the house. Find a cheap way to freshen up the house. You’d be amazed how much a little paint, a little re-arranging, a lot of decluttering can absorb you. Find volunteer work to do. Look online to find free lectures or classes about something that interests you. If you live in a rural area, walk! Visit another neighbor who might be lonely. Whatever it takes to keep you moving and focused on what you want your life to look like. Babys steps. Sending jedi hugs and “been there” empathy your way.
SUCH great advice!
For all the newbies–I promise, that if you leave the jerk behind and move forward into a new life, you will one day (soon!) look back with relief that you are free. The last straw was only the last straw. The scales will begin to fall from your eyes, and you will be able to see that the cheater–they’re all the same–was a jerk in so many ways all along. (S)he may have had you fooled, and you went along with it. You’ll grow once out from your abusive partner’s shadow. If you want to date, you will. My mother is in her 60’s and has many female friends her age or older who are happily independent and dating men they like. You can do this.
thanks MissSunshine, sadly I am not a newbie!
I have been separated two years. Messy divorce process. But I find myself living on my own for the first time in my life (my kids are off to college) and I guess the empty nest grief is compounding the betrayed grief.
I do know that he sucks. But right now my life doesn’t feel any good at all. Thanks for the encouragement. I need it.
Gaby, It does get better. In my case my twenty eight year relationship with my ex imploded the day he stated he wanted a divorce. I recognize now all the red flags and there were many before this affair ended our life together; his behavior had been been “off” for quite some time. So when I learned he had another woman in his life his erratic behavior suddenly made sense and none of it was good. Needless to say the divorce process was a cluster and what hurt most is that our children were all at places in their lives where they needed support and he was gone. My firstborn was stranded across the country in a private school going into her junior year, and I had two just finishing up high school and looking at four year colleges because that is what we promised. I was angry for three years because this passive asshole deliberately destroyed everything we had built together. And it’s funny how these assholes rewrite history. I was in a house and community thousands of miles away from family and I had never felt more abandoned in my life. I was so righteously angry that while my whole world (and children’s) was falling apart I still recognized my WORTH so I got busy living. Do not give anyone the power to tell you who you are. You rock and you know it. It’s not easy, moving forward. Every day do something a little new. Get out of that safe routine. Treat yourself kindly. And vent. Lol. You will come out of this. So many of our Chumps liken our experience to rising up from the ashes (like the mythical Phoenix) 🙂 and we do. It’s been five years and my heart still aches for what I thought I had. My children and I still struggle but what has helped us the most is to reinvent our family’s celebrations. We give each other gifts of travel or experiences. And we all no longer spackle. Best wishes on your journey, Gaby.
thanks so much LAJ. I am trying, believe me I am. The caring and encouragement helps a lot. Jedi hugs back!
I thought his work did a good job of putting narcissism in layman’s terms. Reading his work, and living with a narcissist, I can actually say I get them inside, outside and sideways.
Thank you so much for posting this!
I’ve never watched the show that Honey Boo Boo is on but I’ve heard people talk about it. It sounds like a train wreck but I applaud this mama june’s decision to dump this guy from her life.
Cheating shows a complete lack of respect and it doesn’t matter what is going on in the marriage. There are two options 1). Work on things to make it better 2) Get a divorce.
Cheaters always take what’s behind door number three as if that’s a valid response and then they demonize the spouse to justify their shitty actions. I’m glad she knows her worth and publicly kicked his sorry ass to the curb. More people need to do this when they are disrespected.
I’m just more convinced than ever that marriages/partnerships have to be approached (mentally) as a business or contractual arrangement above all else. If two people are committed, this should not be a problem. Then each party can feel safe that if it goes pear shaped, then at least the consequences are not life altering…from a lifestyle viewpoint. I knew my first cheater was willing to stray…I instinctively always kept my own investments so he couldn’t piss them away. Sure, we split equally at the end, but at least I knew he’d never spent my money on schmoopie. It also ensured he was a little more careful about his own assets.
I will never again even approach a long term/live in relationship without a firm contract in place. Any one who balks at that “oh it shouldn’t be about money” … Hey, have the other way, it ain’t good.
Marci, very sensible. I’ll do the same if I ever get involved again.
I’ve frequently said that I would be willing to co-habitate when the time is right, however, I’m not down with filing a joint tax return again. I agree with the others who have said that the need a firm contract in place before entering into a relationship again.
Amen! I am beginning to think I might someday not look at a man and be nauseated. Maybe. If I do ever get seriously involved again it will absolutely be with a firm arrangement in place to protect me and my kids. Not romantic to think in those terms but like all of you have said, the alternative sucks.
May not be romantic, but I think I’ll look at it this way: If we’re going to get serious, and take this relationship to eternity, let’s get the business/legal side of things arranged first–as a sort of foundation–so that we can love each other with abandon! I mean, it goes both ways. I expect the new guy to be leery, as well, and with good reason. I don’t need financial aid from a man, and I don’t expect to financially support anyone else, either. I expect him to look after his kids, and for me to do the same, and for the two of us to enjoy each other’s company wholly, without legal/financial risk. I would hope a man would be as relieved by that as I am. I am financially responsible, and he must be, too.
Miss Sunshine, I agree wholeheartedly. Tracey has said it time and again for future, serious relationships – get a pre-nup, this is called adult love. I can take care of myself financially and no way will I even consider being with someone who cannot take care of himself financially. Talk about a giant red flag. I will not be anyone’s 401k. And if I ever decide to commit again, I am taking care of myself and my child, and he can do the same. Otherwise, I’d rather be alone. Any future relationship should add value to my life. If it takes away anything, screw that. Why go backwards when going forward is something I am doing successfully?
I agree totally. I LOST so much. I could have and should have took what was legally mine – like half his pension. But at the time I just wanted OUT. I had ZERO fight left in me at the time. He left with at LEAST $42,000. ( I discovered after the divorce his secret account & I would not doubt more- he has nearly a million in a living trust that will be his when his mother passes and she is generous with her money) and his FULL pension. He never took into consideration that I helped raise his three children by helping pay for their sports/travel teams, studying abroad, child support, college etc., I don’t regret helping them, but I do regret picking up the tab when their father was stashing away money and paying for his affair. I left with debt and a bad taste in my mouth. Yes I know I could take him back to court, but at what cost to my sanity? I barely survived the affairs, the mental and emotional abuse and on those rare occassions physical abuse. I especially liked the cheeseburger smashed my face after returning home from my aunts visitation at the funeral home. The choking incident was nice too. Sorry for the rant and for being off topic; just a bad day I guess. If there’s any chump out there going through divorce or any chump in the making, PROTECT you assets! PROTECT you sanity. PROTECT your safety. Next time around, I will be having my own accounts and will handle my own money & will take every measure to safe proof myself. Once bitten twice shy as they say. These fuckers are ruthless and will use you up & spit you out without blinking an eye.
Blindsided, sorry that you experienced such an ordeal.
Do you have advice for those of us who suspect that our sexually cheating our financially cheating us (not reporting money earned under the table, putting money in secret accounts), too? I am concerned that my abusive cheating spouse will leave the kids and me in poverty as punishment of me for ‘not meeting his needs and making him have an affair.’
You need a forensic accountant. Do you have a good divorce attorney yet? Your attorney should be all over that if your STBX has assets. And of course, if you are in proximity to the paperwork or to computer files, dig around in it and make copies. If you pull a joint credit report, some things will pop up on that, too.
Rockstarwife, Sorry that you are in that position. Lovedajackass gave some great advise. A good attorney is so important. Hiding money can be easy and not so easy to track down. I would document the days he worked and played a gig. I would copy all bank records. If there are days he worked and no money to account for it, then the documentation may help you in court. By getting paid under the table one can easily hide it, open an account in a friends name (in my case he opened a joint account in his sons name) or keep it hidden literally any where. If you work, I would suggest opening an account in your name ( give some lame excuse like you get perks with direct deposit in case he asks why). You may have to divide it later, but at least you know he won’t be spending all of it now. Keep all your documents with a family member or trusted friend. Most importantly get all your ducks in a row before telling him of your intentions of leaving. Attorney shop. Find one who is a bulldog in court. Do everything on the down low, because the element of surprise can be your saving grace. Best of luck!
2 words! Forensic Accountant. Do not get divorced without one if you have assets.
Why does this even happen?? Where are the damn judges who even sign off on a divorce? Half of a pension is divorce 101 ugh.
I totally agree and wish parents would sit their engaged children down for a dose of this reality.
My wife cheated on me during our engagement. So prior to our wedding we made an agreement that if she felt our relationship wasn’t working (i.e. if she thought about cheating again) then she would leave our marriage. Didn’t work. I found out after our divorce that she had had several affairs during our marriage. She was looking for an exit relationship, didn’t find one, but is was me who unknowingly supported her emotionally as each of her affairs ended.
The agreement/contract I thought I had gave me a false sense of security. I believed that she would do the right thing.
My ex and I had those talks – if anything is bothering us we will talk about it, if we feel an attraction to someone else we will talk about it, if we feel our needs aren’t being met we will talk about it.
Turned out he was cheating for years and not once did we talk about it or anything to do with any supposed issues. All talk, no action – except for other women.
I had a conversation (more like monologue in my case) similar to Nord’s with similar results. My husband responsed to multiple requests to honestly discuss our marriage with or without therapists by forgoing discussion and instead secretly hacking my email account and reading my emails for at least a few years. (He’s probably reading what I write
on-line–over a decade later.) That’s life with a passive-aggressive cheater.
My X’s OW is sweet, rich, and has a cool accent!! She was also married and having an affair with another married man (who left his wife for her) when she and my X started their 3 year secret affair that exposed me to STDs, made me sell home, and i wont even say what it did to our young adult daughters whose worst fears at that time (of the non mortal type) were a cheating boy friend. How does this relate to Honey BooBoo? Not sure but i just had to describe part of my chump story today. And yes they are together and oh so happy now!! I am closer to meh than last week and on the way to happy. Real
Welcome to the club Chumpette. It is a nice place to be. 🙂
Thanks maree. I feel sane for the first time in years. Wish i knew about CL on DDay. Both of them. Just got CL’s book in the mail. My chump education is underway 🙂
Also known as narcissists’ pathetic excuses for being an adulterer.
June has a leg up on most of us Chumps in the sense that she probably has a savings from her show and a steady income as long as her show airs. Income is the key to independence.
I was just about to say the same thing….at least mama June has the financial means to take care of the family without him. But that being said, mama June is mighty for kicking him to the curb! It doesn’t matter what you look like as many people have pointed out-you could by good looking & still get cheated on-you need to be with someone who loves & respects you period.
I so can’t wait to get my situation resolved & divorce the stbx. I’m not at meh yet-I think I’m at bitter sunday afternoon, party of one
I just read this line:
“A life of dignity is your birth right. Don’t discount it.”
Forgot to add that the link is on leaving abusive marriages.
Wow! I watch this show from time to time for laughs but how wrong of me to judge and think I am better then her. Even she knows better than me and threw the cheater out. It’s been over a year and I am still stuck and doubting he sucks!!!!
Just do what is right for you, mgirontree. We are each of us different and our life circumstances unique and only you know what is best for you. Know we are here for you. Hardest thing ever was to walk away from the dream I had. Cheaters make marriages fail, my ex’s last straw (the affair) was the tip of the iceberg. So be good to yourself. You have support here.
Chump Lady, I have to take you to task on this one.
Mama June deserves respect, just like the rest of us. I don’t care if you think she is “homely” or “over 300 lbs” or “rightly deserving of derision” (which she’s not, actually – she may be fat and she may fart, but she is good and kind and honorable and now we know she is also MIGHTY!). Do you know the biggest reason she deserves respect? Because in the face of the whole world dissing her every single day and blatantly telling her in so many different ways that she does NOT deserve respect, she stood her bad self up and told the world to kiss her fat ass, because she DOES deserve respect and SHE IS GONNA TAKE IT NO MATTER WHAT THE REST OF US THINK. GO MAMA JUNE! You owe her an apology, Chump Lady! And you owe the rest of us fat, “homely” girls an apology, too!
I think I was agreeing with you Gaga. It’s a point of fact she’s 300+ pounds and reality TV is derided. I’m CELEBRATING her bad ass-ness. She’s the sort of person people snark about, and she was decisive and she showed the cheater the door. And she’s confident there are other fish in the sea. I totally say “Go June!” Sorry if that wasn’t clear in the article.
(Although I don’t really enjoy fart jokes, FWIW.)
FAT OR NOT …MAMA JUNE LETS CHILD MOLESTERS INTO HER HOME. She’s no one’s hero…she’s a pig.