Who Was Your Infidelity Angel?

Cartoon from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
gratitude-meme-funny

I was reading on Facebook this morning and a friend of mine (a fellow former chump) recently lost her mother. She requested that instead of flowers, to pay it forward for someone in need instead.

If you’d like to give in honor of my Mom, she was a pay it forward type of person and she adopted people that needed help so I’d like to leave some suggestions … Instead of sending us flowers, pick someone in your life that is having a hard time or needing something and send them a bouquet, pay their rent, give them a gas card or gift card for HEB – find a single Mom whose children would like to play in city league sports and pay their fees, or treat them to a movie or dinner – if you are out and see someone having dinner alone, pay their tab or pick a person in your life who works hard and never seems to catch a break and do something to totally make their day.

Such a sweet request and it got me thinking about people like this woman. So today I thought I’d ask you all — who was your angel? Who helped you in real life through the meat grinder of infidelity? What was the casual kindness that made all the difference?

I had many angels. Tops would be my friend Yoma who financed my escape at the scariest moment. Who never wavered (even when I did) to trust that he sucked. To my friend Caroline who watched my dog and my kid when I had to travel for work, who was always cheerful and positive. To my dad and my aunt who came right after I threw him out to pack up his shit with me. To my mom who sent money to tear down the wallpaper. That may sound weird, but NOTHING could make me happier at that time than to rid myself of that wretched wallpaper in the hallway. (Wallpaper removal is my love language.) To the total stranger I met at a Christmas party once, an old man, who told me that the worst thing that ever happened to him — a hail storm that wiped out all his crops — turned out to be the best thing that ever happened, because he left farming and became a successful stock broker.

They were all lights along the path out.

So, tell me — who paid it forward in your life?

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Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

There were many angels in my nightmare, the first of which were my parents who came to help me sort through 36 years of memories and pack up my house. No one else from my family would come during that time, not even my kids. Living alone in that enormous old house in the country felt like living in a tomb. Memories of how happy we were when we first moved there compared with the desolation of being the only one left made me feel a bit crazy. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. My mom is in poor health but she faithfully helped me sort through the pictures and pack them away. My dad has had two heart attacks and started having chest pains while carrying out some of my furniture. I remember feeling so angry that my ex had put us in such a rotten situation and caused pain for so many.

I also had a wonderful friend who’d been through a grueling divorce and encouraged me to move in with her for a year. It was like discovering an oasis in the desert. I remember being so thankful when I went to bed at night knowing she was in the next room and I wasn’t totally alone. She was the one who demonstrated to me how to live alone, how to cope with car and house issues, she showed me how to live alone and be happy. She was almost as good as any paid counselor.

There were lots of other people too, especially the people from my small church who threw me a dinner party the evening after I moved to my new house, and helped me celebrate a new life. Don’t know how I’d have survived without all these angels in my life!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

MB, what your mother did is awful, I’m so sorry she’s not giving you the support you need. Keep reaching out to others, find a Divorce Care group, or talk to a pastor. I’ve found that divorced people can be some of the most compassionate people in the world. Just keep looking because they’re out there. And of course you always have us.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Oh, Lyn, you must be quite a person to have such love and support around you. I wish I had a friend like yours!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

I wish I had a friend like yours!

Me too! Figuring out how to do things on my own isn’t an issue but, more than anything, I wish I had one person who has experienced this too and would be there for me to talk to whenever I need to. My friends are great but they can’t relate and don’t really know what to say which makes me feel like I shouldn’t bring it up.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago

My two BFFs who started a “therapy-ish” book club and at our second meeting, when asked how I was doing, I blurted out that we were getting a divorce. They cried with me and have kept me on track. Now after having bought an apartment, one painted the whole place (1000 sq ft) for free and it took weeks. She knew I was in a fog and instead of making me help, she would send me on some errand to get me out of the house. These women have been my rocks and I couldn’t be where I am today without their constant and unwavering love and support!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Awesome BFFs!

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago

My family never let me fail, or even think about failure. They helped me purchase my first home and hated him from the moment he was exposed.

And then I have the two very best of friends who have NEVER EVER wavered. Stood by side through thick and thin (the irony, ha) and have been my greatest source of comfort throughout this whole process. To have these two friends who would listen to me complain and cry about the same things countless times has really shown me just how true friends should act. They instantly refused contact with him. They never sided with him. They saw the raw pain I was in. They stepped up when all I wanted to do was curl up into fetal position. Their moral compass didn’t include being a neutral party. They stood up for me and have made it known that they will always be on my team. I’m moved to tears just thinking about how incredibly lucky I am to have them. I’m the luckiest girl in the whole world despite my ex’s deplorable choices.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

I’m so envious of you fellow chumps with such amazing friends! You must be a good friend to have such good friends.

writer65
writer65
9 years ago

I had three good friends that held me when I cried, listened to me rant and showed me what real love and friendship means. They were my support group. Even though they knew I was not thinking clearly, they did not try to make decisions for me, they just listened and loved me. When the day came that I finally had enough and filed for divorce they were my cheering section, encouraging me and offering support in any way I needed.
Just knowing these great friends were out there lifted me up during those painful, dark nights after DDay. When I was in doubt, when I felt unloved, unattractive, I knew they loved me no matter what. I realized that the relationship I thought I had with my husband was not even close to what I had with just a few good friends. The love and commitment that was supposed to be in my marriage, paled in comparison as I finally saw how unloving, uncommitted and how much the man that was supposed to be my rock lied and hurt me.
I spent 20 lonely years waiting for a man that was not capable of true love to show me that he loves and accepts for who I am. I can truly say I have not been lonely one day since I swallowed my pride, looked my friend in the eye and said, “My husband is cheating on me.” I have not one, but three angels.

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago

1. Mom & sister battling (battling her second bout of breast cancer) came to my aid the night asshole told the children. They brought dinner and supplies (tons of stuff from Costco).
2. The first counselor to start trying to help the 4 kiddos.
3. My gal-pals at the gym who became secret santas: bags of stuff from The Gap dropped off at my house with no one to say thank you to. The bag that contained a gift card to get a massage and a free color and style for my hair. The $400 gift card to Amazon to make sure that the kids received Christmas presents. I know who each of you are, but I will continue to keep your secret.
4. The karate dojo who put my kids on scholarship so they could continue their training. One just earned his 2nd degree black belt last night.
5. The karate teacher who gave my oldest all his old shoes when his father wouldn’t give me money to buy him some. (We laugh now at the fact that this child now has feet larger than the teacher.)
6. The people who watched my children while I went to mediation and court hearings.
7. The psychologist who saw through the crap and testified against x.
8. The people who filled out affidavits regarding x.
9. The church that has given me gift cards at Christmas, and helped in spiritual ways.
10. My sister who lets me stay the night when my kids are gone and goes to movies and dinner with me.
11. My nephew who is a shining role model for my kiddos and entertains them.
12. Countless friends that listen, provide a sounding board, give advise, etc.
13. Parents for taking us in when the house foreclosed dues to fucktard rolling his student loans and other debt into the house during the boom and then walking away from it all.
14. Parents for providing countless car repairs and buying a new car to keep us going.
15. The amazing people at the Department of Economic Security that shake their heads and have a few choice words to say about x every time I have to visit their office.

AND…………….Chump Lady!!!!! & Chump Nation!!!!

I am sure that I could go on and on. Thanks!!! Someday, I will get back on my feet and be able to pay it back and forward.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago

Your list made me cry. It had been building up as I have been reading down these comments (and I’ve only begun!). I am thankful for your infidelety angels too and everyone else’s too.

super_chump
super_chump
9 years ago

I am only just beginning to reach out for help to get out of this abusive marriage. I’m pretty much a shell of the person I used to be. I’ve fallen so far, that I can’t even open my own bank account because I lack proper identification.
In case anyone remembers me, I’m the one who spoke about how my parents haven’t been supportive. So I decided to keep them out of this divorce process for my own sanity.
My sister has been my angel, along with her best friend. My sister lives across the country, but her friend lives nearby. Yesterday, she picked me up, and paid for me to get a photo id (which my sister will pay for). She then took me out for lunch. After DDay hit, I realized the few friends I had were also toxic and decided to protect myself from them as well. It’s left a pretty big hole in my life, so it was nice to sit with someone who actually wanted to help me, instead of trying to get help from those who just don’t want to. It gives me hope that I will some day have healthy people in my life again.

Idle_hands_etc.
Idle_hands_etc.
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

God bless- (((hugs))). I’ve been there. Dig deep and find the strength within yourself. Fuck the vampires

Jade
Jade
9 years ago

super_chump, your story sounds very much like mine. My ex did not physically abuse me, but living with him was like walking on eggshells all the time. Once I found out about his affair, things got a lot worse, and he began taking out his anger on the kids and punishing them in ways I felt were abusive. You are fortunate he isn’t hurting your kids physically, but please have an “escape plan” ready in case he does. After one especially bad altercation we had to walk away–fortunately, a friend had made arrangements for us in case we needed a place to go. Be brave and be smart!

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

super_chump–I want to echo what HSM and Ddw have said about reaching out to the community resources for abused women. You will be starting from scratch, and these places are very good at working with women who have nothing but the clothes on their backs.

I agree that removing yourself from the toxic friendships means that you have a hole, but I am reminded of a conversation I had with my mother about life post-divorce. My mother opened up by saying that there’d be a hole. I, thinking she was referring to the fact that he’s been part of my everyday life for a couple of decades, answered that I knew there would be. After so many years together, it would be weird for me to live life without him. There’d be an adjustment on my part. “No,” she replied. “It’s like having a boil. Once you lance it, you have a wound, but you need that wound in order to heal.”

So yes, there’s a hole in your life, but it’s because the pus is draining from your life. Take care of yourself and get the help you need so that you can heal well.

super_chump
super_chump
9 years ago
Reply to  kb

And kb, I love the boil analogy! The more I detach the more believe that I’ll be better off when I leave.

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

Plus in regards to your toxic now-ex-friends, I don’t see it as a hole, but instead a blessing. Who wants people in their life who don’t have their back?

super_chump
super_chump
9 years ago
Reply to  kb

Thank you everyone.
There was no physical abuse, which is why it’s been so difficult to see it for what it was. My main role was to walk on eggshells around him so I wouldn’t trigger his anger. It got much worse after the kids were born, and to my horror, his emotional neglect and annoyance were targeted more at them than at me. He wanted me to stay home because he wanted to concentrate on pursuing his career. I was afraid to leave them alone with him. If I left for a few hours, I’d come home to two crying, hungry kids in dirty diapers. So at the time, I thought being home was the best thing. But, in the process, I gave up everything.
The emotional abandonment was really covert. I’ve recently read some things about narcissists and it’s like a light bulb has gone on in my head. Everyone else is shocked by what’s going on too, because hey, he’s “such a nice guy”. I’m so happy that I’m finally reaching out for help. I qualified for legal aid and I’m seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
8 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

Emotional neglect- YES!!!! That’s what I’ve been dealing with for a while now…he’s preparing to leave, thank God!..this past 12 months or so he has been leaving the house all night instead of being home with us- not once in a long time has he wanted to take me out…so sad, but I see light at the end of the tunnel at least and have realized that this is the path he has chosen and once it’s over I will be better for it…

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

Yep! The eggshells, the anger, the emotional abandonment, etc. etc. Shiny on the outside, rotten on the inside! I tried to work part time and from home and was told I needed to stop. Then, in court, he and his lawyer made me out to be a lazy gold digger. GGGRRRR!!!!! Talk about gas lighting and DARVO! Hugs to you and the kiddos!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
8 years ago

Eggshells, yes!!! Oh my yes!!! Especially concerning the kids, my God how I hate him for making me feel bad that the kids were getting on his nerves!!!

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

They are twisted dementors, I lived that too. You will be so surprised at the life you lead when you are though this… you will feel like you have balloons attached to your arms… you will feel so light. That is the way I feel. I so love my life… 39 years, 32 years of marriage and 7 years before of suckitude… he is gone, his anger is gone. His weirdness is gone. How lucky I am and we all are. Ha Ha! living well is the best revenge.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

Super_Chump; I second that advice, reach out to your local women’s shelter. Most offer free therapy, help with financial issues and things like the ID. Many offer varying levels of pro bono legal aid. Jedi Hugs!

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

super_chump: I have no idea what kind of abusive relationships you have been in, but to not even have a driver’s license and a bank account of your own as an adult married woman screams of someone who has been stripped of an identity. I have no details here, but it sounds like you need to get some professional help here to get you going. Women’s shelter or something that can get you on your feet, get you some counseling, maybe a pro-bono lawyer. WOW! honey!!! Big hugs!!! Glad there is at least one person there for you.

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago

I had a surprising blessing from a high school friend. Funny, beautiful, intelligent and diametrically opposite from me on nearly every political issue. She reached out to me at my lowest, shared her similar story, railed against my spackling, insulted my ex in the most ruthlessly hilarious ways posssible, and shared the meh and magic of her life now. It was inspiring and helpful and made me realize that character has to do with how people live, not what they seem to believe. I felt so incredibly blessed.

ANR
ANR
9 years ago

Wow — just so many:

My college room mate, who told me I should be angry and not blame myself
A friend from high school, who I contacted because I thought she might know something about the divorce process. Turned out she didn’t, but she’s been supporting me every step of the way.
Old and new friends who were there for me when the trauma of infidelity brought up the past trauma of sexual assault.
The therapist I’m seeing to deal with the sexual assault trauma, who has let me see that I deserve a full life and helped me get there, slowly but surely.
Three former bosses who make a point of checking in on me to see I’m alright.
My one remaining aunt, who has offered financial help to buy out my wife from the only home our kids have ever known,
Last but not least, Tracy — who validated what I was feeling about my wife’s attitude, and the many members of Chump Nation who are here for one another. Thank you, all!

MB
MB
9 years ago

Hate to be that person who has nothing positive to say but I’ve got NO ONE on my side, if you don’t count my therapist. My parents in their late 60s are “staying out of it” and my mom has hinted numerous times that maybe I “should have taken care of him better because you know honey, men have needs and they’re simple.” My mother even tried to reach out to ex’s mother to form a new alliance, sowmthing I didn’t find out about until months later. When confronted, she said it wAs none of my business who she decided to stay in touch with. Overall, my very small family have decided that I’m not worthy of any significant support because oh well, shit happens and I should be a big girl about it.
Friends and strangers have offered their sympathies but nothing profound or special, just the polite “I’m sorry it happened to you.” Maybe I’m just unlucky that I don’t have any kick ass people in my life because I think I’m pretty good friend myself. As a matter of fact, I recently offered my help and support to an acquaintance who is a bone fida chump and “trying to reconcile” but my help was in the CL style a la leave the loser and guess what? She pretty much told me to back off. I swear, sometimes this lack of support fucks with my head because I start to wonder if I’m the one who is wrong… and that’s a slippery slope right back to the land of chumpdome.

bogie
bogie
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

I too have no one on my side. Well, my parents wouldn’t let me starve or anything if it came down to needing money, and they don’t like the EX now, but that is as far as it goes. My sister is just so happy that “she got a good one”, as she told me one night, that she probably can’t figure out how to be supportive of me (and to be fair, the family is 1800 miles away). I lost all my so-called friends, and due to plant closures, I’ve had to change jobs several times in the last couple of years, so I haven’t made new friends. I’ve never been good at making friends – I’m much better at being there for other people than I am at finding people that will be fore me.

So, funny as it sounds, the most help I’ve had thru this whole thing is the people that lied their asses off about the shit-hole of a house I bought (I thought it was in good shape at the time – and none of the issues could be found without tearing out walls), so I have something to occupy my every waking moment in getting it into decent shape before the winter.

Oh, and of course, Chump Nation keeps me from getting too far down because there are several people that I can tell have it much worse than I do.

nicolette14
nicolette14
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

MB, don’t feel bad, I’ve got no one on my side either, not even a therapist..My cheater ex was my best friend, so I thought…I gave some of my friends up (males) because he wasn’t happy about it, he kept saying “men and women cant be friends because men are after one thing only, under the pretense of being friends” but he had female friends that I never knew about, you know the ones that he was talking to daily and sharing things with, the ones he was also fucking regularly while pretending that I was the love of his life.. I thought his mother and I were close, it turns out she knew all about what he was doing and covering it for him, while telling me how happy she was that he found a good woman like me…she was even hanging out with the married ho-worker and her best friend regularly, the one he was fucking for 3 damn years and she knew it the whole fucking time! I worked a lot so I didn’t socialize much except with him and his family. I had some friends but not very close and the reaction I got was, “well forgive, forget and move on” They didn’t get it, they didn’t get the shock, the sleepless nights, the pain I was in, all they said was ” I am sure it must be painful but you’ll be okay.” so I hold it in and kept to myself until I found this blog where I finally felt understood and could vent which helped a lot! and I mean a lot! I have Chump Nation who offered their incredible support and they helped me a lot in my way to healing. I also have no family except my son,(16) its just the two of us and he is my world. We have chump nation MB and I so understand EXACTLY how you feel and where you are coming from….Big Hugs MB!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

Not sure how you ended up with no friends, but for me it was that we moved so much, and I had a ton of shame about our situation and didn’t know how to explain it to “normal” people. So I isolated myself.

If your counselor is a comfort to you, let’s definitely count her/him as your angel. And you always have us. We’re virtual, but we’re real.

P.S. You’re not wrong.

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Hi Moving Liquid,

I’m sure you are as schooled now in the tactics of abusers / sociopaths as I’ve become trying to make sense of all this madness we’ve had to live through. Isolating you from the support of friends and family tends to be high on the list of known tactics.

Also, I’ve travelled about a lot in my life and know exactly what you mean about that. It’s difficult to maintain regular, daily contact with people when you live completely different lives, and miles and miles away.

Another thing I’ve noticed is, as I’ve got older, the friends I make are married / cohabiting couples and, while I love all my friends, there’s always that feeling like a gooseberry (on my part) and no doubt, with some couples, their fear of chumpdom contagion! Mostly, I think people are so caught up with just getting on with their own lives, it’s few and far between who’d actually go out of their way to make sure you’re ok. I do believe they probably care for you, they are just, perhaps a little unimaginative? Couple that with the fear of jinxing their own relationships, and sadly, it leads to isolation. I also think that I give off an air of self-reliance (who can blame them, I’ve travelled all over and done lots of things on my own – even many years before I met stbxh) so perhaps that ‘puts people off’ broaching the subject? Ironically, I don’t know that many divorced people either so, of course, I’m a bit of a freak in my circle of friends / family and acquaintances.

What I do know is, even when you are surrounded by people, you can feel utterly isolated when you are going through this sort of thing, sometimes even lonelier than if you were actually on your own. Here, though it is a virtual connection, we do all share the connection. You don’t have to worry that when you vent it isn’t being dismissed, or that you’re being painted crazy, or that we’d just wish you’d stop banging on about it already, which IRL I know I feel very sensitive about – even with people I know are right behind me – I do find myself having a rant, or having a cry, or ‘wallowing in self-pity’ and then cutting it short and apologising profusely, which you honestly don’t have to do here, because we all get it. You offer kindness, support and cheer-leading duty along with the rest of us, you get it too, when I need to go fruit-loopy – So, my thanks to you too ML xxx

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

Thanks so much, Jayne, you’re so kind. I used to feel worse about my lack of friends in recent years but I’ve begun to accept that it was the isolation and shame and it’s nothing I can’t rectify in time. I don’t need tons of friends, just one or two good ones will do. And I believe I am more capable now of being a friend to others than I ever have been before. I took comfort in knowing my family seemed to love me and believe in me, and that meant everything to me. I hadn’t crossed that line into being a burden to them. I do agree that only people who have experienced infidelity can understand the pain of it. xox

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

MB, grrr to all the sluffs you’ve encountered. Give your therapist more credit. You do have ONE person on your side. They do count. Plus, you have Chump Nation now!

super_chump
super_chump
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

I so understand what you’re going through. It’s been a very lonely road. Keep reaching out and trying to find healthy people who want to help. They have to be out there somewhere. In the meantime, keep coming here, to keep you from sliding back into chumpdome. That self doubt is easy to fall into if we’re not careful.

MB
MB
9 years ago
Reply to  super_chump

I do have many friends but none of them ever went above and beyond like so many of your stories. Maybe I pick them wrong or maybe these friends are superficial or maybe it means sowmthing about me that I don’t know…. wish I had those kick ass friends in my life but sadly, aside from some small talk, they don’t offer much.

current chump
current chump
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

MB-I think sometimes that our friends just don’t know what to do or say in these situations. Some of my friends were afraid to say anything bad in case I was going to reconcile or really didn’t know what they could do to help since it wasn’t a secret my marriage had been bad (non-infidelity stuff at that time) for a long period. I did isolate myself for awhile as well to try & deal with the whole implosion of life as I knew it. I was afraid to burden/wear out my friends. Now 10 months out, I can see my angels clearly:
1) My mom-She had been chumped in her 1st marriage & then found her prince charming in my late father. She has listened to me at all hours & stayed calm at all the times I couldn’t. She can’t give me money or a place to stay right now but emotionally speaking she has been the great wall of China
2) My best girl-friend-we don’t see each other all the time but she is always a phone call away with love, support, and a sense of humor. She is also a voice of reason & plays devil’s advocate to make sure that I am staying on the straight in dealing with stbx. She has also done everything but open her own company to help me find a job (I’m getting closer-interview tomorrow)
3) My gay work husband-Carrie had her Stanford & I have my own darling. Always supportive & loving-he never lets me forget I’m a worthwhile person & is also helping me find a job. He doesn’t judge & is always calm in any situation which I need
4) Lastly, I have an old friend from high school. Yes, at one point years ago we were involved but ended up that we were better as friends. 30 years of friendship later-He is a great insight from the mans point of view and doesn’t sugar coat anything. Although sometimes it is painful-It is true tough love at it’s best. He makes sure that I am a realist & not seeing unicorns. He clears the fog so that I clearly see the jackass donkey with the toilet plunger on his forehead.
Sometimes when I start to feel sad-which is getting less & less……any one of these 4 fine friends can make me smile & laugh. They always remind me that better days lie ahead and that I am going to get through this

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
8 years ago
Reply to  current chump

When I first revealed, the ones I confided in responded hesitantly until they asked me THE question: “You gonna try to work it out?” To all of them I answered emphatically no- I have put up with A LOT of bullshit these last few years, but this one thing was then and always has been my deal breaker, non-negotiable- once that was made clear, they’ve been like, OK, let’s do this.
I get that some people really don’t know what to say because they’ve never been through it themselves. People can only relate to what they know, but maybe that’s just me. Luckily for me, even my happily-married-never-had-this-issue-friends are extremely supportive of me.

current chump
current chump
9 years ago
Reply to  current chump

I almost forgot to list my gorgeous little boy-he is my biggest angel of all & my reason for fighting for a new, better life for us. When he tells me “I love you mommy”-it makes all the hurt go away at that time. And my lovely fuzzbutt himilayan kitty-Ted. He waits for me to go to bed every night after I tuck little guy in . He sleeps on my pillow and is always touching me with at least one paw just to remind me that he is there. He has cuddled with me & let me cry on him on numerous occasions but never seems to mind….He looks at me like he understands….Silly I know but it means the world to me

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  current chump

Ted sounds like such a sweet and attentive cat. So glad you have him and your son (and everyone else too).

tflan386
tflan386
9 years ago
Reply to  MB

MB: Sometimes even your friends don’t know what to do with your sorrow and grief. They aren’t superficial and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Some people, even ones that appear relatively close to you, simply don’t have the depth of spirit or life experiences to accommodate your suffering. That doesn’t mean they are bad people.

I was the first of a close group of 8 ladies to be left by a cheating husband. My ladies felt for me, but didn’t really understand the horror of it all. They were all in their early 40s with intact marriages, young children and busy careers. My life was not their life. Over the course of the next 10 years, 4 more ladies marriages imploded because of their husband’s infidelity. Only then did those ladies really get it. Lucky for the last one that she had 4 of us to lean on. It’s a club no one wants to belong to.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  tflan386

You are so right about people not understanding unless it has happened to them. And it’s sad so many have experienced it. What does that say about our narcissistic society?

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Age of entitlement, indeed.
People living cushy lives and thinking they’re ‘entitled’ to everything on a silver platter.
MB: You got us guys on your side, too. Screw superficial people and ones ‘who don’t want to take sides’. They have taken a side – its the other side.
Your mother is especially heinous for conspiring with the fucked up excuse of a family of the ex. When she said it was none of your business, she basically told you that she doesn’t care – which is disgusting to say to her own child.
As for the others who offer up nothing more than ‘so sorry this happened to you’ – ignore the superficiality. They likely have no idea or experience what you’re going through.

betrayedfriend
betrayedfriend
9 years ago

It was my friend Maggy, she saved my life, she really did, during that first year of TT, blame-shifting. One day I would call her crying, the next day I’d call her and tell her everything was OK. She always listened, never judged and told me off, when I needed to be told off.

She would always ask me, “what do you want?” – I was so lost, I had no idea what I wanted, other than him to choose me.

She was, and is with me for every major step I took towards leaving the Cheater. She would always tell me, “why would you want to be with a man that obviously does not love you?” “You deserve better, he doesn’t deserve you”.

Always, always there to listen, to support me – and to let me make my own decisions without judging, even in those times that I tried to reconcile, and she knew that he would never change.

Will be forever grateful for this wise, loving and true friend.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago

Mom, co-workers, cousin (and I am sure I am forgetting others, but I am multi-tasking while in a conference call–lol).

Mom was angrier than I was, made a few trips from Texas to Tenn to “help out”, and I can’t begin to place a value on that. My boss and co-workers were great and covered for me for weeks, and then again when I had meetings with lawyers, and so on. I feel really lucky to be part of a team at work like that.

I had a cousin who I just core-dumped on repeatedly. Probably was hard to bear, and I should probably thank him for being so patient.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

Tracy, please credit the author of the cartoon, I love Hyperbole and a half and immediately recognized her style. That cartoon is from this post: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

Also, she has a book if anyone is interested after reading her stuff online.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I love Allie Brosh’s work. I was and am very worried about her struggle with depression, but her posts about her struggles are wonderful for conveying to people like me, who do not suffer from depression, what life is like when you do battle depression.

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Thank you for posting that, Datdamwuf. Hilarious site. I love it.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

thanks CL! Reading her blog was very helpful when my depression was bad.

Mehsmerized
Mehsmerized
9 years ago

Chump Lady.
Divorce Care friends from Church.
Next door neighbor.
Shrink.
Midlifeclub forum.
Sometimes… even myself.

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehsmerized

It’s been weeks and I’ve not yet gotten approved for the midlifeclub forum. Are there that many people trying to get on?

Cindy
Cindy
9 years ago

During my lowest time, I’ve been so blessed with wonderful people:
1. My family. They called me everyday and supported me emotionally. Took me to dinner, treated me to mani-pedi’s, Vegas shows and other wonderful things. My brother made a sock-monkey voodoo doll complete with a “burning” flag for the dolls penis. 🙂
2. My friends – all over the world – have been so supportive. Carrie with her daily support for me, held my hand and helped me figure out how to accomplish what seemed insurmountable. Paula, who who took ex’s place on our long planned vacation. Far from being a dream vacation, she hugged me as I cried every morning. Oddly enough, we had the best laugh of our life on that trip and both peed our pants laughing in a swanky Hong Kong hotel elevator after we had chicken served to us with it’s head on it during dinner. Alice, for listening and sending supporting words – and celebrating my divorce with me Vegas-style – like the Hangover, for 40 something women. Lisa, who welcomed me into her home and shared a great trip to South Beach.
3. A friend of the family that had been divorced a few times offered me her beautiful guest home – without charge! Ex and his whore enjoyed sending process servers to our joint home while I lived there and I was afraid to answer the door. My friend Nicolette helped me “get off the grid” and live a life un-tortortured. She and her husband Dave took me in and make me and my dog Chucky feel like family.
4. A professor from Golden Gate U that was unlucky enough to sit next to me on a short flight after I had just been served with divorce papers – the day before my birthday – as I was leaving for a much needed trip with a girl friend to Hong Kong and Australia. He talked to me about his own experience and then gave me his Bose headset to use and DJ’d some Toto for me. He then gave me a hug at the end of the flight.

RNE is still a chump
RNE is still a chump
9 years ago

Surprisingly, my mother in law is the person who completely had my back and still does. She was always 100% on my side and reminds me all the time that I deserve better. I’ve been chasing unicorns, so far, things seem to be genuine and I haven’t seen or felt any Naugahyde coming my way, but my MIL still reminds me everyday that if I get even the slightest feeling that things aren’t right, she will be there to help me out in any way possible. She never once pushed me to reconcile with her son, even constantly asked me if I was sure when I told her I was going to try. She suggested waiting a year before taking him back to see how I felt about things by then even. She is a chump too, I think that is why she gets it better than anyone. So thankful to have her in my life.

chumppalla
chumppalla
9 years ago

Hmmmm. She may also have more information/experience/clearer insight about “who he is”.

I’d listen carefully to what she is saying.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Sadly, because my husband isolated me and we moved constantly, plus I was too ashamed to bring anyone new into my life, I have no friendships outside of my family. I know in time that will be rectified, but I am envious of the chumps here with awesome BFFs.

My family disliked my husband from the start and because they disliked him, I never wanted to tell them negative things about him. So they were gaslighted by me and didn’t know how severe the poverty was, the abuse was, the stress was, or how I was using up every cent I had.

At the very end, when I highly suspected another woman I finally admitted to my parents that we hardly ever saw one another and I was home alone every night. This broke their hearts and they began asking me to stay over and made it clear their guest bedroom was always ready for me.

On the night my husband coldly told me to get out, he left and I took a huge overdose. In my letter I wrote that I wanted to die, but if I lived my husband is not allowed to visit me or inquire about me. They honored that. I spent several days asleep or out of my head and then spent another ten days in the psych ward. My parents visited me, and when it was time to be released I went home to their house.

I felt deep shame that I had allowed this man to use up every penny of what I had managed to accumulate in 56 years of living and working but my parents and daughter were just so relieved that I was finally rid of him. Because I didn’t want to add any more stress to the lives of my elderly parents I had to keep myself under control. My crying and suffering was done in silence. I was glad for that. Without their presence I would have caved in to the misery.

It took months, but between the swimming, the weight loss, going to therapy, and FINALLY finding Chump Lady, I began to feel like a whole person again.

So my family, my therapist, and the Chump Lady website were my angels. To say I am grateful for them is a huge understatement.

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

Like so many others here, I have a great family and many wonderful friends. But one couple stands out among them all. This husband and wife are dear friends of my in-laws (and my exH and I) and are my parents age. They own their own business and they have access to a large enclosed truck. They brought it over when I sold our home so I could move all of my things to our new home. They brought hired help to assist me too!!!! When the sale fell thru they brought my things back and helped me move my furniture back in so I could re-stage the house to go back on the market. The house sold in a week! Again……they came back to help me move my things back out. They stored it for me until settlement and then delivered my belongings to my new place. It took several trips. They had stored half of my things in their warehouse! They checked on me for months (knowing that my parents live out of state).

I am having them over for dinner this month to celebrate my new beginning! They are simply awesome people and they consider me their daughter! They are friends with my in-laws but they think what their son did to me and our children was just pitiful!!!!

Fake Fiona Price
Fake Fiona Price
9 years ago

All right, I’ve just about had enough of you rabid, mean-spirited maniacs expressing gratitude. Where is the bitterness? Where is the Dark Side of you nature that Chumplady is always whipping into a frenzy?

I demand that you immediately cease and desist in this unseemly display of compassion and generosity spirit! Stop it! Stop it right now!

Now, if you will excuse me, I must go and post my 79th comments to my own bad review of Chumplady’s book at amazon.com (which I still haven’t read) and state for the 79th time that it will be my final comment.

Fiona Price
Fiona Price
9 years ago

I absolutely LOVE ChumpLady, I have no idea who that awful person was who posted bad reviews about her. She is NOT like Hitler or a Nazi or anything and her fans are not rabid, they are charming 😉

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Fiona Price

LOL – I love this Fake Fiona 😀

I did try to add a comment on her review pointing out the tremendous support here, but she got it taken off because I’d made the mistake of putting her name in my reply (fool I was). Shame, because, even if I say so myself, I thought my points were careful, considered and relevant. Nevermind, the silly sausage burned her own boats there.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Need a hug, Fake Fiona? You only need to ask! xoxoxoxox

Fake Fiona Price
Fake Fiona Price
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Fake Fiona needs no hugs! Fake Fiona is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-wise! Fake Fiona has mastered all the higher pseudo-sciences as well as the more evolved mental and emotional functions! All hail, Fake Fiona!

Now, bugger off of this thread and get back to your primitive tribal war chants, your black and white thinking, and your insulting of the mentally handicapped! You hoi poloi are making me look quite the pillock–Bollocks to you all!

Lania
Lania
9 years ago

I have successfully chortled Pepsi through my nose from laughing so hard. Jesus, it burns. You made my day!

dani
dani
9 years ago

My friend Megan who went with me to the courthouse for the first time to pick up the packet for the do-it-yourself divorce. She was so patient and so kind and so kiss ass. She made me face the fact that I HAD TO DO THIS. She was angry for me when I couldn’t get there yet.

Same Megan and her husband, Craig, who had a cord of wood delivered to my doorstep when my furnace stopped working on Dec 20th after my asshole ex moved out. They tried to have it delivered anonymously, but I tricked the delivery guy into telling me who it was from.

My friend Kimi, how had recently gone through a divorce and was the only other single mama I knew. She listened and guided and reminded me that this really wasn’t the end of the world. Even thought she lives 2 states away we now go on family vacations together. Her kids and mine.

My wonderful employer who continued to pay me when I showed up for work like a zombie for about 2 months. I work in law enforcement (not on patrol… zombie patrol officers are no good) and the kindness and support (often unspoken) I received from my department was amazing. Man I love these guys!

My beautiful daughter who taught me that life goes on once you get out of your own head. The lessons from that little girl have been invaluable.

And of course Chump Lady! The day I found this blog my whole attitude about my situation transformed. It was amazing.

And so, so many more.

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago

My friend G. On D-day, she came over and packed all of Mr Fab’s stuff. The next day, she helped me get all the paperwork in the house in order. We joked at the time about starting a service for immediate post d-day triage, but I sometimes wonder if it might not be good to get a Chump Squad together. I might have done something really stupid if she hadn’t been there.

Many of my friends did the Switzerland thing, alas.

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago

Oh so many:
1. My friends & colleagues who helped watch kids while then H was away from home for a year at a new job because he was “unhappy” with his local job.
2. the same friends who have continued the help the last 2 years as our lives were turned upside down by betrayal and divorce.
3. to the very good friends who sat me down at a party and asked “are you REALLY ok?” when I was hiding the marriage problems. I FINALLY opened up at that point and got the support I needed.
4. to the random stranger who bought our Christmas tree at the local tree farm (I thought I was ok on the outside, but must have had the “deer in the headlights” look)
5. to my two new friends who were also chumped around the same time. We spent that first year keeping each other busy when the kids were at the exes’ houses (and acted as listeners when we needed to VENT and no one else would understand due to the infidelity.
5. my sisters , always there for support

I am 2.5 years post DDay, and 16 months post divorce finalization.
Finally feeling at peace.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago

Off the top of my head, two people in particular that come to mind. My dear friend, Vicki – one of most petite women I’ve ever known – showed up with a sledgehammer and a power drill to help me remove the homemade bar in the basement that represented all that was selfish and vile in my husband. Watching her swing the hammer and kick over the wall of the bar is one of my fondest memories of that dark time.

Then there is Paul, a neighbor who has renovated his entire home into a showpiece, going so far as to move an upstairs window in the front of the house because it didn’t quite align with the others. He came over one day and taught me and my sons how to drywall over gaping holes left in the walls where the TV used to be, where X hid his cheap hootch to fill his expensive-label bottles, and patch over holes from bolts from where the bar used to be.

Those are the two that come to mind off the top of my head. I have hundreds.

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

You had me at “showed up with a sledgehammer and a power drill.” Kick ass.

Home School Mama
Home School Mama
9 years ago
Reply to  fiestypants

Right?!! I was giggling at the imagery.

Kara
Kara
9 years ago

1) My best friend. She was there through everything. She was there the night assface finally left. She came out to get food with me even when it was late at night. And even though I had forgotten my ID, she snuck me sips of her cosmo at the table when the waiters weren’t looking. XD (I was of age, but y’know the rules. No ID, no drink.) She stuck around to help me clean up the remnants of what he left behind. She stayed the night and all day the next day. She was there when I found out about not just the last OW, but all the other ones before her. She spent many days and nights with me at her house, watching obscure movies, making chicken dishes and rebuilding my self-esteem. When I took him to court for a restraining order when he wouldn’t leave me alone after I announced my engagement, she was there the day before the court date, sat as my witness, and had lunch with me after. And when I got married last year, she was one of my bridesmaids. (She also helped deal with finding food dishes FAST when the stuff we’d prepared for my bridal shower turned out to be rotten. 0_o ask me about THAT story…)

She also was the one who introduced me to my now husband. If it weren’t for her, I never would have met him. She’s still my best friend. She lives in another state now, but she’s thinking of coming out to my state for school. If she needs a place to live, she’s always welcome with us.

2) My husband himself.
I didn’t find out about ALL of my exe’s OW at once. (Like most of us didn’t…) No, the information came tricking slowly over a matter of what ended up YEARS. I caught him with one, and found out about the rest two years later. But he had been bugging me via text intermittently. The man who is now my husband, once we met, became a great help.
I had already heard from everyone that my ex was an asshole. I knew that. What happened was still painful. I didn’t need to hear it yet again (I’m the kind of person who really hates the repetition of something I already know said to me as if I don’t.) I didn’t need to be told something that not only I already knew, but was not helping me deal with the pain.
He listened. He sat through my spilling all my emotions and feelings and sadness. One night in particular, I was telling him about the confrontation I’d had on Dday, and how my ex had denied having sex with the OW. (I’m not stupid. When I asked him “Have you fucked her?” and he says “That’s not important…” I knew he meant “Hell yes, probably more than I did you.”) Anyway, both myself and my now husband got quiet for a few seconds and I just looked at the ground and said “He’s fucked her hasn’t he…” and he just put his hand on my shoulder and gave it the simplest of squeezes.

We both knew the answer. We both knew it was an unpleasant one. And we both knew that he’d probably done far more than just fuck her. But none of that needed to be said and I just needed someone to listen to me in that moment. His hand on my shoulder was all that was necessary. He didn’t need to go into a diatribe about how much of an asshole my ex was, or how much sex he’d probably been having with his OW, or where he’d probably been when he came home late or all that. Just a sign to let me know he was there for me.

Monika
Monika
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Good men can make it all better with one sincere hug, can they?

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago

My wonderful neighbour and friend Joyce who was the first to notice how much weight I lost, held me while I sobbed uncontrollably, told me he was expecting too much of me when he left me the first time after 3 weeks for not having gotten over it, and who has never, ever in 5 years (through D-Day, false reconciliations and now divorce) ever looked at me with anything other than concern in her eye, not the impatience and annoyance that I haven’t shut up about it yet that I see in so many other people’s eyes. Thank you darling Joyce x My lovely sister Helen who also held me and called him for everything and helped to deflect some of mum’s stupid, insensitive comments (mum was taken in so much by him that she spackled even worse than I did – she’s over it now though!). Thanks Helen x My lovely friend Jan who’s disgust and ideas for revenge are so extreme that they help me stay grounded and laugh at the absurdity of even thinking of revenge – thanks Jan x My lovely, sadly missed sister-in-law Tracey (my brother’s wife – don’t even get me started about his sister) who recognised him for the raving narc he is and my lovely brother for calling him silly names that a tribe of head-shrinkers would have taken pride in – thanks Tony x My lovely young nephews who told my Dad they wanted to go and give him a good beating (god bless you boys, so glad you didn’t and are intelligent enough not to give in to that violent urge, but it was good for me to hear someone wanted to beat the crap out of him :-D) thanks Ant and Josh, and my lovely, lovely Dad who, though hurt by being betrayed by someone he had thought he could love and admire, was still able to discuss everything with me, help identify the gaslighting and bullshit and even tried hard to untangle the skein with me on many an alcoholic evening when I went to stay with them. Love you Dad x And, even though you spackled like a mad person at the first, thank you so much mum for trying your hardest, even when you were buying into his crap, but now just wishing him dead (shocking – but glad to hear your mum would feel this angry towards someone who would treat you like that) I love you mum x Thank you to my lovely friends Jo and Gerry who have invited me over to Tenerife to stay with them and who were disgusted (not cheater apologetic) straight away, and who have no idea how much worse it got because, to my eternal shame, I haven’t contacted them since D-Day because my story became even more pathetic than it was – if your reading this Jo – love you, think of you all the time x And to everyone that hasn’t fled the building like being chumped equates with a bad case of the ebola virus, or hasn’t hidden behind parked cars when they’ve seen me walking down the street, or who hasn’t said some shite that equates to ‘ ah well, these things happen’ – thank you all so much (though it’s amazing how few of you REAL people are out there) thank you x

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

OOh crikey!

And, of course, Tracy, Chump Lady Website and ALL you mighty, wonderful, wise and witty, empathetic and justifiably disgusted people who make up CHUMP NATION. I shudder to think how I’d have coped without finding you all – I’ll never be able to express my gratitude for that.. Love you all, and thank you xxx

Kind of apropos to nothing, heard a joke yesterday that made me laugh, and hoping to put a smile on your faces, here it is:

Man: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a moth!

Dr: I really think you need to be talking to a psychiatrist.

Man: Yes, I agree, but your light was on.

Boom, boom 😀

Mehsmerized
Mehsmerized
9 years ago

Forgot the voodoo doll, how could I?

At one of the lowest lows, I had a business trip with a former colleague. She made me The Best Voodoo Doll ever! Not only was it the spit tin’ image of my husband, it was finished with a wonderful array of maladies, a couple I even had to look up…. and then the finishing touch was a lovely Victorian hat pin for selecting the affliction of the day.

I hadn’t laughed for months… and when I unwrapped this little beauty, I laughed for so long… it felt so good. Receiving this handmade voodoo doll, made with love and caring, was truly the turning point between what was and what will be.

I’ll always be hugely grateful to my friend who took the time to make it… and more importantly, took the time to be with me in those dark days.

(**Merchandise, CL! Customized voodoo dolls!)

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Mehsmerized

Mehsmerized;

What a great, great idea your friend had there. Your voodoo doll has made me smile 😀

syringa
syringa
9 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

oooohhh….love the voodoo doll!!! What an awesome friend to do that for you!
I actually didn’t reach out as much as I should have. It took me awhile to find the right therapist. My parents and sister were dead. My daughter got sick of me right away. I got the feeling people didn’t want to hear about it. I tried to be stoic in front of people but at night I hid behind lace curtains and drank.
CL and the Nation hadn’t been founded yet. I live in a small town so no Divorce Care groups. Went to church to try and find comfort.
This site has done more for me than anything. Thanks to CL and all of you.

HappyXChump
HappyXChump
9 years ago

I’ve been very blessed to have the support of my parents and brother & sister as well as several good friends, many of whom I’ve grown closer to sinced sharing my story and showing them my vulnerability.

One particular thing happened this past Mother’s Day that really felt like a little gift from an Angel. It was my first Mother’s Day post-separation and earlier in the week, I was feeling sorry for myself, lamenting that I didn’t have someone (a husband) to take ME out to lunch on Mother’s Day. I decided to not let that stop me so took my two daughters out to a nice brunch and some shopping. At the end of our meal, the waiter told me that “someone paid you an unexpected kindness and paid for your meals”! I was stunned! And incredibly touched. Not just the monetary amount but that someone had clearly seen me dining with my two young daughters and must have suspected I was a Single Mom and “paid it forward” by paying for our meal. It’s inspired me to think of ways that I can “pay it forward” to others.

Samantha
Samantha
9 years ago

I had way too many Angels helping me along the way but probably the one I remember first….On our first Christmas which was a few months after my ex left the kids and I (and with no financial support), I started getting anonymous cards in the mail addressed to me and the return address simply said “From Santa”…..I got 6 total and they all included gift cards so that I could give my kids a good Christmas. Whoever it was knew I had no extra money for gifts. It was a total of $625 in all…chickfila, walmart, sports authority, Safeway, etc.
I never did figure out who it was. But it was appreciated more than they will ever know and something my kids and I will NEVER EVER forget. We’ve tried to pay it forward many times since then….sometimes in money and sometimes in another small acts of kindness but always remembering that wonderful act that was done for us that first year. It was so awesome!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  Samantha

That’s beautiful.

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

HappyXChump and Samantha,

Thank you both for each of your wonderful tales, I’ve tears in my eyes. It’s a lovely gift to hear the world has such kindness in it! Thanks very much for telling me this xxx

Shadowfire
Shadowfire
9 years ago

Friends – both old and new – who helped me through the months after BD with support, funds, hugs and laughs while I tried to keep it together long enough to move continents with my son. Stand outs were the friend who dropped everything and flew out to say goodbye before we left, the newly made friend who offered her home for sanctuary if needed, the friends who were there for 24/7 phone calls and pick ups if the abuse got too bad, the friends who helped us start over in a new place. And my parents, who gave us shelter and as much help as they could in getting us settled.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago

Thanks for this post…I have been thinking about all the angels and “helpers”, the ones I knew I could count on (parents, sister, closest friends) did turn out to be amazing on more than one occasion, but I have been more than surprised at the anonymous angels that have shown up to help me (taxi drivers, moving guys, school teachers, bank clerks…) most people who I tell my story to, had a word of wisdom, shared their stories (or of what happened to someone close to them) or helped me in some way (like the bank guy who opened an account for me when I didn´t have any money or an address, or a job! He had gone through a divorce too…). Many friends from my pre-cheater years have suddenly shown up for random reasons and they have lifted my ego by showning me why I was liked by them, while my STBX barely has any friends from the past, and most of his friends from now are either cheaters themselves (and not my friends) or introduced to him by me (and now are on my side). And of course, real chumped friends and virtual chumps on CL…have been my savers just by showing me that this will all pass too, and that life is so much better without the cheater ..

flyingsquirrel
flyingsquirrel
9 years ago

My aunt, who listened to me without judgement over the years and fully supported my decision to end the marriage.

My friend Laura, who turned out to be the only one in our social circle who wasn’t a fair weather friend, who doesn’t treat me like a pariah. Who sometimes watches my kids and laughs with me.

To the smartly dressed lady at the grocery store who, after observing me interact with my kids, made a point to come over and tell me that I was a wonderful parent and why. That single, heartfelt gesture was packed with more kindness and validation that I had received from my ex and his family during 10 years of marriage and it changed my life.

Char
Char
9 years ago

Oh Lord, too many to even fit. I would say to start – my friend Jeannie who had the dubious honor of coming and escorting him off the property after he broke into the house while we were away. Right up there is his brother, Bill, and his wife who stood and continue to stand by me completely and basically cut ties with someone who – from there perspective – was just a bad, selfish person who did a lot of damage. Then all our mutual old friends who also knew that there was such a thing as right and wrong and supported me 100 percent. That doesn’t even include my late father, who loaned me retainer money for a lawyer or my sister and brother in law who gave us a refuge in the summer to try and “relax” in the immediate aftermath. Or my sorority sisters who actually had my ex as a teacher and told me after the fact that they’d always thought he was the biggest asshole but somehow he’d turned it around by loving me….until he proved them right, after all. Or the fellow teachers who told me after the fact that I was the only good thing he’d actually ever had in his life and that as a teacher and musician he was average at best. Or my minister who confided that over the years, he’d recognized early on that I was an open hearted, honest person who lived life “all in” but that my ex had always had a mask that hid his true self from everyone – which I’d never seen or recognized until way after the D-day. Or my wonderful sorority pledge mistress who is now a crackerjack family lawyer who gave me insight and “off the record” advice as to how to read threats on child custody as sabre rattling. Or my real lawyer, who never was a blusterer – but was very, very smart and never missed a detail. Without him – I wouldn’t have gotten any alimony of note. And what about my children – who saved me in every way you can save a drowning person – just by being there? And my therapist, and my boss, and so many others. Last but not least – Chump Lady – who still resonates and keeps me afloat when unicorns threaten to poke a hole in my lifeboat! Thank you is never enough – but I will do my best to pay it forward.

Rebecca
Rebecca
9 years ago

I am so happy to respond to this!

1. My chumpy self when I finally realized that I was NOT going to roll over and let him walk over me. Talk about mighty – I may have been hospitalized, depressed and not functional but I DID NOT stop fighting to tell the truth to everyone and to get a settlement that would give me financial security. I became MIGHTY – yea me!

2. The mediator who, after many failed meditations, told me to go back and hire the toughest lawyer I could find.

3. That bad-ass lawyer and her associate who I love dearly. She hated my ex more than I did and the associate who always listened to the ranting but kept me focused on the legal issues. My ex’s deposition was the best day of my life; talk about satisfaction.

4. My sons. No words to adequately explain their support, patience and love. I would not be here if not for them.

5. My therapist. Also no words. She consistently goes above and beyond…now, if she would just adopt me!

6. My mother is an interesting one. She was a terrible mother who told me the affair was all my fault, as was my father’s death, and every bad thing that ever happened to her. The greatest gift she gave me was dying the same day as my father-in-law’s funeral (which I was not allowed to attend). By passing away that day, my children were not expected to participate in sitting shiva for the ex’s father or feeling sorry that his father was gone. No one will ever tell me that she did not do that as a final gift to me.

7. My secret person who fed me all the details that I needed. That person will always be a secret. Thank you.

8. All of my BFFs, old and new, who listened endlessly to my crying and anger, fed me because I didn’t feed myself, loved me and my kids, pulled me out of the deep holes and celebrated every time I was able to smile, never told me my mascara was running and supported me through every stage. God bless all of them. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

9. The other woman. Thanks you for taking him off my hands and out of my life. He is all yours, honey. That is my gift to you along with the memories of all the times we spent together as a family with you as the single law partner and family friend.

10. Last, but not least, ChumpLady.

Syringa
Syringa
9 years ago

At first it was my wonderful coworkers, Bob and Diane. They formed a tight circle around me and let me have my nervous breakdown on the job. They covered my butt for way too long and never said a word to the big boss who worked in a different state. Diane was a chump herself so knew the devastation I was going through.
Also my BFF…we’ve been friends since we were 11 so we’ve been through a lot together. I had several other friends who were willing to listen to my sorrow.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

So many to name:

1. God–I am convinced I would have taken my life in the darkest hours without the love and support of my Savior, Jesus.
2. My parents–They financed my move back to my home state and my flight for the interview that got me a new job as chaplain resident. Don’t know what I would have done without them! I thank God for giving me such supportive parents–a true grace.
3. Divorce Care leaders and my cousin’s in-laws. These people essentially adopted me and supported me during the adultery discovery aftermath and divorce. When I just needed time away from it all, I will never forget the trip I took with the Divorce Care leader and his son to winterize his cabin in Northern Minnesota. And I will never forget the loving concern and non-judgemental support of me by my cousin’s in-laws. They showed me genuine Christian care asking me if I had been tested for STDs and helping set up the appointment.
4. My best friend, Imran. He tried to hold us together even talking to my toxic former FIL in the dark hours. In a trip to visit him in NYC, he help set me free of much pain by reminding me of the truth that the divorce was not my fault and I was not responsible for it.
5. My seminary friend, Jon. He was the straight shooter. Told me to set boundaries and helped me grow a spine–both in dealing with my ex and a fundamentalistic, rigid religious people.
6. Andrew and Rachel. Provided their car so I could get to work while my car was broken down. Offered his presence without judgment during the earliest and darkest days.
7. Anthony and Susan. Two prophetic counselors who set me free from a lot of junk and bondage.
8. And the list can go on and on…I think of all who testified on my behalf to keep my minister’s license as well…many, many people.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
9 years ago

My husband’s aunt (who is also his godmother), who has the status of being like a second mother to him. She remains to this very day the only person who called him to his face on his shit (other than me, of course). In fact, she used those words: What you have done, and what you are doing – it’s total shit. She also told him emphatically that unless he got his head out of his ass and began behaving like the person she loved, she would cut him out of her life completely. Out of all the people we know (even my own parents), she is the ONLY one who dared to call him out. I needed that so much. I still call her Bad Ass.

My friend Tiffanie and I had plans to get together with our kids on Saturday, May 5th, 2013. D-Day was late Friday night, May 4th. I texted her Saturday with a general apology and backed out. Simply, “There is a lot going on right now with Husband, and I am not going to be able to make it. So sorry. I’ll explain some other time.” Without asking for an explanation, without asking ANY follow-up at all, she arrived at my door ten minutes later. She walked in, hugged me tight, and said “I think it would be a great time for your son and my son to spend some time together. I’d like to take him home with me for a week, is that fine? You need some time, and I’m just around the corner. You can back out anytime if it isn’t a good idea, or if he wants to come home. But please let me.”

My three-year old son had the best week of his life, getting spoiled rotten, treated like a king, and being with his best friend (her four-year old). He still talks about it, well over a year later. No one else offered to help me with any childcare at all during the tumult of the weeks leading to discovery, discovery itself, and the aftermath – not even my family. She is the only one who recognized that I might not be able to be the best mom on the planet while our lives turned upside-down, and she didn’t even know what had happened. Everyone else was kind of “Yeah, shit happens. Sucks. So anyway…” I will forever be grateful to her for allowing me that week to fall completely apart without having to worry about my little boy being scarred for life. I firmly believe that being able to allow myself to rage, cry, scream, obsess, and just generally freak the fuck out is what saved my sanity in the long run.

I don’t want to be a complainer – but I’m so jealous of all y’all’s wonderful support systems – lol! I didn’t have that. My parents are very old-fashioned, patriarchal household, “boys will be boys” types, and they spackled like crazy for their beloved son-in-law. Our friends all went Switzerland, and played the “He must really be going through something awful” card. The most venomous thing anyone I knew could muster up saying at the time was my mother, who said “His behavior right now seems very immature.” What I wouldn’t have given for people in my corner!

But there were those two, my angels, and they helped more than they realize.

I have spent the last year-plus cultivating better relationships, so that is good. On top of that, I know what it feels like to experience chumpdom in isolation, without any real, tangible support system in place. I won’t ever allow anyone I know to go through that. I will be the angel in the life of someone else if I get the chance. I am determined to be the person I wished had been there for me.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago

Wow, I love your friend Tiffanie! Amazing! That’s not an angel; that’s an archangel!

lissa
lissa
9 years ago

Oh my gosh, the people who have helped me are legion. I truly did not know how much I was loved and how many good people there are in the world until my life fell completely apart.

My parents who have been right next to me every step with emotional support, advice, money, and whatever practical help I need. My oldest daughters have dropped everything multiple times to be with me. I remember saying how it is me, as the mother, who is supposed to help them and one replied, “Mom, you’ve never let us down. Now it is our turn to be here for you.” Together with their partners they’ve helped me move, delivered groceries, watched their younger siblings so I could get out of the house and on and on. Aunts, uncles, and cousins from all over the country who constantly send me messages of support. Believe it or not, my first ex and his wife AND her extended family who have to come to visit, taken me out to dinner, and taken my younger two daughters out with them. They’ve sent me cards, a fancy pressure cooker for my new kitchen, and a bottle of wine. My STBX FIL who emails me from his office with his concern and support – because he is the only one from that family who gives a damn about me and isn’t supporting the a-hole (his son) and the tramp.

My yoga teacher who taught me relaxation techniques and yoga poses to help me get to sleep – on her own time and at no cost to me. Two of my friends, especially, who have taken me out for pedicures, to the movies, to a play, and more all while listening to me talk endlessly about what was happening. My dear friend in Hawaii – so far away physically but staying so close with constant emails and calls to check in. The gift cards he sent me from Amazon so I could buy books when he knew I didn’t have the money (we share a love of reading and were in a book club together). My neighbors who took my daughter with them to the park when I was too distraught to function and who had her over for play dates so I could go to the doctor, the therapist, the lawyer. My primary physician who sat and listened while I wept and then helped me figure out how to gain some equilibrium when life was out of control. My therapist who answered every email and came into the office on her days off to see me when I was in real crisis. The divorce “communication coach” who literally held my hand during face to face meetings with the STBX and his bitch lawyer. My lawyer who is so cool under fire and who tells me how strong I am and how I can make it through this when I am feeling anything but strong.

Then there are the perfect strangers who helped me. The agent at the U-Haul facility who, when I started to cry at her counter, gave me a hug and told me how she had been through the same thing and that I could look at her and see that I would be better than okay one day. The woman in Costco who handed me a tissue and a bottle of water when I was having a breakdown and stayed with me until I had control again. The man with the floor refinishing company who got me on the schedule ASAP so we could get the house listed on time – because I reminded him of his daughter and what she had been through with an abusive husband. The owners of the Christmas tree farm where we bought our tree every year who took my daughter on a special tour when they realized it was the first time to pick a tree without daddy – we saw them once a year yet they remembered and went far above and beyond to help us on a hard day. It just goes on and on. There are so many people who could see something was wrong and offered a kind word or help getting kids and groceries to the car, etc.

I have been through the worst 2 years of my entire life but I’ve never felt so much gratitude for the many, many ways in which I am blessed.

Shewiz
Shewiz
9 years ago
Reply to  lissa

Wow – all these wonderful stories! I’m so impressed and cannot quit reading. They are such a relief to hear about after all the pain we’ve all gone through, to realize how wonderful these angels have been in our lives. Even if some of us only have one – thank you for posting.
This thread today has totally picked me up.
Today – Chump Nation is MY hero.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago

I’ve got a few:

-My best friend who I’ve known since high school, and was in my wedding. He calls me, includes me in things he and his other friends are doing (they are friendly acquaintances of mine, some of whom are now becoming friends). He regularly checks in to see how I’m doing. He doesn’t trash the W (they had been “friends” for several decades since the time W and I started dating) but he lets me know he’s 100% on my team. A family ski vacation got messed up earlier this year when W hooked up with a guy she met at the bar. Since that “didn’t work out so well for you”, my friend asked if my son and I would like to join he and his girlfriend this year to ski instead. Way beyond the call of duty. Even more awesome because I tend to be the stoic type who keeps stuff to himself.

-My therapist, who knows my W well (he helped her with depression and bi-polar years ago) and is always a kind figure, but from the time this initially erupted he told me, “Chumpguy, she has burned her bridges with people, and she will with you also.” He’s never wavered and just has the situation nailed.

-CL -this site has been a godsend. To the extent I cannot even properly express, other than to humbly say, “Thank You”.

fiestypants
fiestypants
9 years ago

Brene Brown has a handful of talks on vulnerability and shame. She’s a very good voice to boost your spirits (it’s not letting me post the link to the talk for some reason). If you don’t have someone in person, listen to her via the internet, read her books. The one I’m listening today is “listening to shame.” Chump Nation, we are daring greatly just by posting your stories!

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  fiestypants

Her book “The Gift of Imperfection” was very helpful to me as I was working to heal from the terrible circumstances I was facing.

lucky35
lucky35
9 years ago

My friend M saved me. When my life was upended thanks to the cheater narcissist, I called her in tears. She said, “Pack your overnight bag and come over to my place. You’ll be staying with me now.” It was one of the most kind and loving things someone has ever done for me. I had nowhere to go, thousands of miles from family and no job. She let me sleep on her guest futon for 3 months, helped me move my stuff, and listened to my grief. I was-and still am-incredibly grateful for her generosity. I had a safe place to sleep at night while I worked to get out of the state and find a new job. It made all the difference in my life.

MN Moved On
MN Moved On
9 years ago

So, so many friends, family members and co-workers, but a special thank you to the warm, encouraging Home Depot workers who guided me through so many repair and replacement projects in those early weeks after D-Day after I kicked Big Chief Dumb Fuck out of the house: hot water heater replacement, toilet valve replacement, dry wall repair…. they gave me the advice and tools I needed to feel competent and strong, when I was feeling so broken and weak.

Once I replaced the last electrical outlet and conquered the dickey three-way light switch in the kitchen, I knew I felt Mighty, and I haven’t looked back. It was those little triumphs, all the piddly shit Dumb Fuck never got around to doing, that gave me back my confidence to soldier through the divorce.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago

Like others, I have so many:
My break-up buddy, Neil, who exchanged emails with me every single day and kept me from giving XH the house when I was in the throes of insanity;
Every single person who registered the news (of D-day then again of OW) with total shock on their faces;
My sister, who refrained from saying “I told you so,” because she never did like him;
A particularly well-liked client at my clinic who, when told, both registered shock and then exclaimed, “Motherf***er!” (Unexpected for so prim & proper a woman);
My work friends, who dragged me out & made me do stuff with them and listened and listened and listened to my story.
And of course, CL & Chump Nation, where I have found sanity and inspiration and courage and strength. And some really fine writers, as well.

lovehonorcherish
lovehonorcherish
9 years ago

The list of Angels is long! My Aunt, who has walked this path herself; my Mom who provided a safe haven for me and my dogs; my sister, her husband, my Dad and step-mother who had me packed up and out of that house of heartbreak in two hours flat; my mother and father-in-law who shared my grief and provided a shoulder for me to cry on; my sister-in-law who was a great source of support; my besties…L, C, and J who hated stbxh for the pain he caused; my amazing attorney; my dogs C and B…without them I would have gone days without joy. They are the most constant source of unconditional love and devotion; and for all the folks along the way who reminded me that I did not fail. Thank you!!

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago

I also had many.

Two girlfriends– I’ll call them Mary and Sue. Both had been through difficult divorces; one was due to infidelity. However, both of them listened, and listened, and listened. They gave me coping strategies, commiserated, and made me feel sane. If I was having a hard time at work, I knew I could turn to them.

My dad– he was very calm when I told him what ex-cheater had done. He immediately whipped out his legal pad and began taking notes. He (and my lawyer) helped to guide me through the morass that is divorce. He made a whole list of assets that I needed to protect, and when ex-cheater would propose an idea for our settlement, I immediately bounced it off of my dad to see what he thought. In a terribly emotional time, I so appreciated my dad’s practicality. I needed someone on my side who could take the emotion out and be my advocate when it came to my rights. My lawyer was great, but my dad was awesome.

My mom and siblings– they were the emotional side. My brothers wanted to go after ex-cheater with baseball bats. My sister was ready to tear him a new one. They all made me feel like I had a posse who had my back– and they continue to attend concerts and other functions so that I have my “people” with me and don’t have to deal with ex-cheater alone.

All of the online and IRL folks who helped me– whether it was just with divorce in my support group or infidelity in one of my online forums, what a blessing it was to have people to talk to who understood. No explanation needed- they just got it. They (and you) all helped me reign in my anger, stick to NC, and be a better mother to my children during that time of hell. This continues today as my ex-cheater continues to be an asshole.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

What a great family you have – they sound awesome!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
9 years ago

Reading these posts has been a great reminder of the vast number of people I have to be thankful for. Looking at the kinds of help you all have received has made me recognize that there really isn’t an arena in my life in which an “angel” wasn’t posted–from my family to my kids’ schools to my job site to a kind woman at a ball field. I’ve had emotional help (tons and tons of it), financial help, physical help, and childcare help.

I’ve been lucky in so very many ways.

It is still hard to feel lucky when the Jackass is at it again (custody . . . it’s always about the custody issues), but it is also very good to be reminded that, more than 3 years out, I’m in a position where most of the time I can pay it forward now. This is one debt I am thankful to have.

paula
paula
9 years ago

First let me apologize for the length of this post – it is really stinkin long! Reading Tracy’s comments today reminded me of the Christmas one year after d-day. I wrote a letter to women who were my angels. Two years later, many say that they still have this letter issued straight from my gut and heart:

My Most Treasured,

This has been a year of dramatic change and growth. It has been filled with despair and confusion and redemption. There are a group of twelve extraordinary women who have loved me and shoved me toward healing. From the day I discovered the affair, these women propped me up and kept me from sinking into the sorrow quicksand.

They listened to me repeat the same thing again and again and again and always responded with gentle nodding and murmurs of comfort. They were enraged on my behalf and for my children and coaxed from me, cleansing anger. At my side they logged miles upon miles of hikes and runs. They counseled me in parking lots, in offices and at Wal-mart. Hundreds of texts and hundreds of static filled cell phone calls between us. Countless emails filled with wise counsel – countless silent moments when there just weren’t enough words to explain the pain.

These women asked about my children with loving and worried concern. They know my quirky wonderful kids and have wisely guided me to be able to guide my children in turn.

They have reminded me of the progress I have made when I could not see it myself.

You are these women. Each selflessly bringing me light ~ and each your own unique perspective and restorative balm. How fascinating to it has been to see the specific fierceness this has brought out in each of you.

Please know that I send a collective letter of gratitude because you are extraordinary women and individually and together are strong and favored. Never will I be able to repay you for this year.

Paula

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  paula

that was lovely and brought tears to my eyes.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago

I will name my wonderful friends, Abby, Sarah and Sue… they held me up when I felt like I was breathing water and not air. When I hadn’t slept for a month. That is how twisted my reality became when all of this happened. They have been my friends forever and I would do anything for them. Need a kidney, take mine…

My mother, narcissist that she is, basically told me I deserved it and wasn’t at all helpful. Go back and mend my fences, be a better wife, so I did for 27 years. My sisters were and are useless. I am the scapegoat child, the truth teller so sort of radio active in my fucked up family.

Here is what I tell my daughters.
Husbands leave, parents die (foo issues) kids grow up but your girl friends will save you, time and time again.

My oldest daughter poo poo’ed this idea when she was in high school. But in college she found her forever friends, and one day after college, the Mohos were gathered and she called me, slightly tipsy, to tell me that she had found them, her forever girl friends and would always be safe with them. I smiled and I slept easier that night.

Did you know that the biggest predictor of how long a man will live is whether he is married? Did you know that the biggest predictor how how long a woman will live is whether she has girl friends? I tell my girls that too.

Lastly, the lesson they have always gotten from me, is never, ever trust a man for your livelihood. Always have an income and always, always be able to take care of your kids. When my girls have kids, I will never tell them that they are crap mothers because they aren’t stay at home mothers, like my mother told me. I will tell them to do the best they can with raising their kids because an emotionally honest environment with a working mother is so much better than living with a nutter. I will tell them to sleep well at night, knowing what ever happens, they can take care of their kids. Sending angels and wisdom to the MIGHTY chump nation.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

Two very close friends, one of whom is a prominent attorney in my home state. She immediately linked me to hard-ass family lawyers here in Chicago.

Another angel is my den co-leader/friend. Ironically, she and her husband are also attorneys and hooked me up to the other half of really tough litigators in Chicago ( the creep is so screwed).

Of course, my siblings too! And my small circle of close friends here who have been terrific.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

And like Paula said, thanks to all of you Chumps. And thanks to CL for creating a safe place to vent. A place that affirms I am not crazy, that cheaters deserve a multitude of chances because they need reconciliation, that being the stable parent for my kids is what they need vs. sparkly Disney dad, that trust is earned and sometimes never regained and that’s OK.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

….should be “don’t deserve” because they suck.

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
9 years ago

My sister who took a week of her holidays to stay with me and provide child are while I went to classes required by law to get divorced. My friend, Danielle who stored things, provided child are, had us over for multiple dinners, put up Xmas lights.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
9 years ago

Like so many of you, I don’t have close family. My parents are dead. My brother, bless his heart, would have judged me. I have no kids. But I had lots of support.
1. My best friend, who flew 2000 miles on New Year’s to spend her vacation helping me put a life together. I was hanging on, but barely. By the time she left, I was on the road to healing.
2. The child of my heart, who walked miles with me and listened when the gaslighting was at its peak. She knew Jackass and couldn’t believe it either. This summer, she and her husband have been my “lawncare angels.”
3. The owner of my gym, who sponsors a fitness competition, which was the true turning point of my recovery–nearly 4 months focusing on eating, sleeping and exercise, with the support of the other “contestants” and my trainers. It was an amazing experience that got me up and moving every day.
4. It also introduced me to hot yoga, which has become a way of life with me. My yoga teachers are kind and they are working hard at having authentic lives themselves.
5. My spiritual teachers–my parish priest who is also my good friend and a nun at my institution. They loved me unconditionally.
6. My therapist, whose first words were, “You can never go back to him.” She kept my focus on my own growth and recovery.
7. My students, who always know when a teacher is struggling in her personal life, but who show up ready to do the work with a good heart.
8. My banker, my plumber, my hairdresser.
9. My XH, not a cheater, who has answered every possible question about the house and helped when I was stuck (I do the same for him, of course, when he can’t figure out his iPad.)
10. The veterinarian who came to the house at the height of the gaslighting period because I couldn’t bear to put my cat down in a place where nothing was familiar to her. This when Jackass couldn’t pick up the phone to talk to me.
11. My cousins. We don’t discuss these things, but they simply accepted that Jackass didn’t make the cut. That was enough for them. He’s out.
11. And Rich. I travel with a sports team on big tour buses. This winter, at 1 a.m. in the terrible cold and snow, I would get off the bus and our driver Rich would be standing there with my bags in hand, so I didn’t have to crawl into the cargo bay and drag them out. Every single time. He had no idea what I was going through. He is simply a kind man. And he has no idea what that repeated, simple act of kindness meant to me. A shout out also to one of the player’s dad, who did a clean up after an event so I could go out with my cousin.
12. Many writers. Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and “daring greatly.” Marianne Williamson on prayer (which shifted me from praying for things to be fixed to praying for others, praying to survive the pain and to live my best life. Pat Collins, who does a wonderful astrology blog on the new and full moon phases, focused on authentic living. Dick Wolf, for the “Law and Order” franchise, which kept me company into the wee hours of many nights. For those who feel alone, writers provide a lifeline to growth and sanity.
13. Facebook brought me D-Day, but it also reconnected me to a number of friends who live elsewhere or whom I don’t see because we are at different stages of life. It gave me an opportunity to speak positively about things other than infidelity. If I could post something funny or inspiring or showing gratitude 3-4 times per week, even if I had to push myself to do that, I could stay connected in positive ways to people who didn’t know about what happened and really didn’t need to know. And Pinterest helped me redesign my life (not in HGTV terms; I don’t pin fancy kitchens) but in terms of having an electronic bulletin board to collect and collate thoughts, inspiring images and re-train my brain as the brain of a confident woman. And the child of my heart looked up MOW on Pinterest,FB and Twitter and we read her stuff for a while and concluded that Jackass didn’t trade up. That ended the terrible pain of “why did he love her more than he loved me?” He didn’t, of course, but for a while I was stuck on that. I had made her into a vital, attractive, lovely younger woman. She’s not any of that except younger. Great reality check.
I am so fortunate and so grateful for all of these people and resources, and for you fellow Chumps. We are mighty.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I forgot the cats, including my beloved Lucky who passed away in November; the woodpecker who made holes in the house but who lived through the terrible winter, just like I did; and all the critters who pass through my yard every day, reminding me that the world is full of hearts to love.