Hi Chump Lady,
Thank you so much for all of your help! You gave me the backbone to go no contact 3 months ago. I am finally starting to feel some relief and peace after dealing with a cheater and a liar for the past 4 years. I feel that I am getting closer and closer to meh, but had a set back today that I could use some advice on.
Background: I met my ex when we started medical school and ended the relationship this past summer after trying to get over his numerous infidelities and habitual lying. Upon graduation in May we were both hired by another physician to run his outpatient clinics while we apply for residency. We do the same job, just different shifts. The catalyst for me to finally buck up and end my misery occurred in July on the one day we were at the office together. We got in a fight on the way to work, and he was just nasty. Then, I watch him being sooo nice to one of the nurses, and thought….. she is his next pick. We went home that night and I ended the relationship. I was tired of being treated disrespectfully and knew that he was making his mark on the nurse, so I removed myself from the equation.
This nurse got wind of our relationship demise and told me that she just wanted to make sure that she wasn’t the reason for our break-up. She also told me that nothing was going on between her and the ex-boyfriend, and that she can’t even get him to talk to her. I was shocked as I had told no one that we were no longer together. I thanked her for coming to me, but assured her that she was not the cause of our break-up. Since then I have overheard her telling co-workers that she was dismissed from the military for getting pregnant by a married soldier — and she followed that gem up with — don’t you all have stories like that? The other nurses said NO and scattered off. I will admit that when I heard this I thought they are PERFECT for each other.
Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. A colleague, and friend, shared with me that they (ex and nurse) are getting close and I told her that I didn’t want to know about it. The nurse has been acting strange since then. She has asked me twice if I was still single, and then asked me to grab a drink with her sometime because “we single ladies should stick together”. Today, she kept talking about her “friend” who had told her this and that about computers. All the same verbiage that I have heard the ex use over the years. Then, she starts talking about how she has plans tonight, but becomes coy when other nurses ask her who with. Five minutes later she starts laughing at her text messages, but won’t tell anyone who she is talking to. She follows this up with, “SmmGood, aren’t you so glad that you are single?” (What? Where did that come from, and why are you asking me?)
The last time I didn’t listen to my gut, I ended up in a hellish relationship with a POS where he repeatedly cheated and lied to me. My gut is now telling me that this nurse and the ex have something going on, and she is being passive aggressive and acting as if she is getting one up on me with her secret. As much as I try to not let it bother me, it does. My rationale side tells me that I should be happy that the trash is collecting together, and that she is just another pawn in his game. My ego wants to tell her that last week he sent me an email entitled “Our Love” that I promptly deleted without reading (aka, no one is special to him so get over yourself). I feel like I am getting wrapped into a mind game AGAIN, and do not want to go back down that road. I am not leaving this job until March 2015 (contract), and need to figure out a way to keep my sanity. I was doing okay with the job since I never see him, but do not know how to handle this nurse who I do see everyday. I am afraid that I am going to say something bitchy and unprofessional to her, and the ex and she will relish in my unhinging.
What would you do — let the cray-cray out and say something to her about the passive-aggressive comments or just keep ignoring it?
This is one of those situations that you think is a problem, but really isn’t a problem. You have a non-problem.
Staying four years with some idiot’s “numerous infidelities and habitual lying” is a problem. You solved that problem. You dumped him.
Let that problem stay solved. He’s out of your life. Who he dates, who’s next in line for his mindfuckery and cheating isn’t your concern. If this nurse was a nice person, a chumpy innocent, who was being buffaloed by a smooth operator I might say you had a closer call. You could warn her.
But you’re not dealing with a nice person. You’re dealing with an experienced Other Woman. Who is brazen about poaching people’s partners and who wants to rub your nose it with her “Aren’t you glad you’re single?” crap.
Yeah, bitch, I’m glad I’m single. Much better than being hooked up with that man-whore you’re with.
All of this “Are you still still single” crap is her trying to goad you into the pick me dance. Ignore her. It’s what these wing nut cheaters do. “Oooh… don’t you want what I have? Dontcha? Huh? Boy, you must be so LONELY there, all single and alone while I enjoy your boyfriend!”
Your ex is so much more delicious if she thinks she won some victorious pick me dance, and then continues to win it each time you’re visibly annoyed with her.
Refuse to dance.
Next time she starts in, if you look at her like she’s the delusional idiot that she is, a) you keep your sanity and b) you suck the joy out of their affair because you won’t play hypotenuse. Win, win for you.
Project an air of WhatthefuckEVER. You want that cheater? That piece of garbage? He’s ALL yours, sweetheart.
Trust that he sucks. To project that he sucks, YOU have to believe it to your core. This woman is getting NOTHING of worth. She will be briefly valued (kibbles!) and then devalued, just like you were, and the next, and the next.
When she natters on with her stupid, just smile at her benevolently. Like you would a small, dim-witted child presenting you with a nightcrawler she dug out of the garden. “Oh that’s marvelous. Aren’t you a clever girl to dig that up! You must like slimy creatures. Go toddle back into the mud now and set it free. That’s a good poppet.”
(Pat, pat, pat…)
SG — you’re a doctor. You’re going places. You were a chump for a few years. You learned from it, and you managed come out of it with a medical degree. These weren’t wasted years. It’s all good going forward. Are you going to let this silly girl derail you from the peaceful path of meh and better living? Of course not.
You’ve got six short months of this situation. Whether she’s dumped before Thanksgiving or she hangs in there as his miserable chump in perpetuity is their fucked up business. Don’t make it yours.