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Cheater Halloween Contest!

ZombieclosureHappy Halloween!

In honor of our scariest holiday, I thought we could all stop stuffing our faces with chocolate for a moment and have some Halloween fun at the expense of cheaters.

What’s your cheater dressing as this Halloween? Sparkles the Dry Drunk Unicorn?

What treats are they handing out? Razorblades stuck in the apples of matrimony? Divorce summons? Snap chat pictures of their dick?

What do cheaters say on Halloween? Trick or deceit? They don’t say anything, they expect the treats to just come to them.

What’s the difference between a zombie and someone in reconciliation?

The zombie knows it’s dead.

Just riff on cheaters and Halloween. Most clever entry gets a signed copy of my book… and whatever miscellaneous chocolate is left over at our house so I don’t eat it.

Good luck my spooky chumps!

Tracy

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  • Cheaters disguise themselves as the person you thought you married. You can tell it’s a costume if you look closely at the eyes. They tell you they’ll help pass out candy but at the last minute, “have to work late” and “get stuck in traffic.” And when you’re not looking, they will eat your Reese’s PB cups and Twix, leaving you with a bagful of Mary Janes, Tootsie Rolls, and those weird taffy things wrapped in orange paper. If you complain about your candy disappearing, they’ll tell you that you’re imagining it. If you have proof, they’ll tell you it’s for your own good because they know you’re on a diet and they don’t want you to be tempted.

    • They don’t eat your Reeces PB Cups and Twix; they lovingly pick through the bowl and save them to present to their True Love. When you question where they all went, they don’t remember….if you persist, they insist that you’re imagining that you bought them in the first place….

  • Well, it seems pretty damn likely that mine is handing out candy from an unmarked panel van.

    • Just heard yesterday from my 36 yr old daughter that my ex is going as “White Trash”. How perfect.

  • Mine is the victim zombie, he stumbles around mumbling, “i just needed loooove” or “i was sooo loooonely”

  • My h came downstairs this morning and all three kids said, “dad’s dressed as a businessman again”.

  • You know those life-sized cardboard cutouts of movie stars you see in video stores and theaters–Harrison Ford as Hans Solo, Johnny Depp as a Pirate? They look so appealing and you just want to run toward them and throw your arms around them and plant a kiss on their dashing faces. But as you get closer, you notice the soul-less eyes, and the fact that they are 2-dimensional with no psychological depth.

    Cheaters should go as sparkly cardboard cutout movie stars.

    • I’ve probably written about this before, but my ex actually HAD a life-size, cardboard cutout of himself leaping into the air in a cheerleader-type pose. It was in our living room for a couple of years before I moved out, no idea where it is now, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it shares the old RV he’s currently living in.

      • Doesn’t surprise me one bit…sad, sad image. I’ve seen the videos. I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. I read your posts, GIO, and Nothing surprised me anymore. All the power to you sweetie!!!!

      • GIO…I don’t think I ever knew this little factoid….which is just so perfect! OF COURSE he had his own life size cardboard cutout.

  • Hahahaha – this is why I love you ChumpLady – you make everything better‼

    So here’s mine:

    What’s your cheater dressing as this Halloween?
    The Zombie Boyfriend/The Undead Relationship/The Relationship from Hell (“You’ll never get out‼”)

    What treats are they handing out?
    Snapchat pictures of his dick. Hahahahaha. This is absolutely true. Upon hearing of this app?? My cheater’s response: “I need to download that app!” Fuqing sick.

    What do cheaters say on Halloween?
    I WANT MY CANDY‼‼ + You don’t appreciate me‼ + Nothing’s ever good enough for you‼ + GIVE ME MY CANDY‼

    What’s the difference between a zombie and someone in reconciliation?
    I don’t know. I never went the route of reconciliation – THANK GOD.

    Not too original but dead-on.

    • I did and thirteen years later the last little flicker in this Zombie has been sparked by yet another D-Day. Even Zombies can feel some pain only some……

    • My cheater is wearing toga and walking around with a large bowl of water so that he can look down and gaze at his reflection all night. Hope he doesn’t fall in and drown. 😐

  • When my ex-husband came to my place this morning for visitation, I asked him what he was going to be tonight.

    Him: A vampire.
    Me: That’s not really much of a stretch for you, is it?

    I, on the other hand, am rocking a Marvel’s Black Widow costume and loving it. Making my red hair work for me. Ex’s eyes were all over me this morning.

    Suck it, loser, cuz you’ll never touch it again.

    • Rarity…. Where is the like button!! You go girl! I hope it made him sick to see you looking all hot and living life! I wish I could have seen the look on his face lol….

    • LOVE IT!!! Last year this time around, my exH was the joker from batman and gotta give it to him…he did an awesome job with the face replica. Good fit for him…he’s a total JOKE!!! My girls convinced me to dress up last year too, so I went as WONDER WOMAN. A little more of a kid-appropriate version, but still, he was speechless. Suck it up babe!!! We weren’t divorced yet (lining up those ducks) so we took our girls around the neighborhood and he was just in awe…heads turned and it made me feel so good!!!

      • That is awesome, TodoVa. I’ll bet you looked great.

        We alternate on Halloweens now, so he’ll get the kids next year and I’ll be free the entire evening. Seeing me pass him by as I headed off to work this morning (we were allowed to wear costumes to work) was all he got.

  • He’s probably costumed as a normal, “nice guy” that everyone thinks he is- that’s his best disguise. But, under it all, his real (everyday) dress is an incubus. That’s who he really is.

    • Nice one, Much Better! This is my STBX’s everyday costume too – Mr Nice Guy/Poor Sausage. I can see him dressed as a Poor Sausage.

  • I’ve said before cheaters are like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Go to bed seemingly normal, and then wake up a totally different creature entirely, just wearing that person’s face in order to better blend in. And when they are discovered, they point at you and scream at you.

  • My cheater should go as a Push-me/Pull-you (like a two headed llhama.)

    “I HATE you, I HATE you”!!!/ “I LOVE you, I LOVE you”!!!

  • My STBX is the Vampire of Neediness. He will suck your soul dry then discard your twisted, shrivelled heart. The skank? Slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty zombie – anything as long as it’s slutty.

  • Love all these! My Ex can go as his public persona – Christian Family Man – complete with an bible (all the pages empty), crucifix (held upside down), pictures of his kids (’cause he only sees them once a week so he has to remind himself what they look like), and his typical fake, smarmy smile that is supposed to say “trust me…I love Jesus…I’m such a good person…trust me..as his eyes slowly turn into yellow, beady snake eyes. OK, now I am freaking myself out! LOL! Happy Halloween!

  • Ha ha, my Ex started wearing his costume during his affair with the Wifetress, which is a mild mannered, gentle family man who found Jesus. I guess if he were to get caught screwing hookers at lunchtime today, then he would probably claim that was just trying to help those poor women find Jesus, too. One day I hope to see a cartoon of him finding Jesus in OW’s hallowed crotch. It’s an image I cannot get out of my head!

    • I’m cuttin’ and pastin’ my ex’s face into your scenario, Violet. Thanks for making it easy for me! It’s perfect!

  • My XH will go as himself….a serial cheater looking like a real person but really isn’t. Jeebus…you guys would NOT believe what an asswipe this guy was on Halloween. We happened to live in ‘Fertility Flats’ and had tons of darling little trick or treaters. He would start in screaming (and I mean honest to dog screaming) how he HATED Halloween! Every time the door bell rang he would start screaming again about HOW bad he hated all this bullshit. At first I’d try reasoning with him and say things like ‘don’t you remember when you were a kid and how much you liked trick or treating?’ But remember I was dealing with a fake person. Towards the end I’d just send him to the bar while I stayed home and passed out candy. He had a way of ruining everything.

  • Santa Claus cuz saying their adultery partners name is short and easy to remember; HO HO HO! Plus a bag of gifts is good for impression management and lying to kids comes naturally to them! Mine actually spent one hour last Christmas Eve with his kids at his parents. He said he had to leave to play Santa for underprivileged kids. Actually wore the costume! After looking at the credit card statement, he drove to FL with the HO and mooched a few days stay at his sisters house! My kids were like, really? Wtf? They are 19, 21 & 23! Merry Christmas kids, gotta go!

  • ExH and the pathetic new wife could go as a vampire and his mindless, ghostlly white, 20 something, used to be pretty,fishnet wearing, blood (and money) drained victim who hangs weakly on his arm obeying his every whim…oh wait, that’s not a costume, that’s who they are every day…lolololol

  • My STBX should either dress as the Invisible Man, as no one gets to see the real him or as the Mummy, as he is so totally wrapped up in himself.

  • My Cheater Prize will go as Medusa.
    Her hair will be full of dicks instead of snakes. If she has as many sticking out of her head as she’s had stuck in her it will be frightful !

  • I think the ex can go as Stanley the Sleazoid Perv. He’ll be giving out anti-gay jokes and pics of his microscopic dick among his numerous folds of flab from a serial killer van. I wouldn’t put it past him to dance (more like waddle) around his basement in drag to “Goodbye Horses” to get himself in the mood.

  • Here’s a Halloween joke to remind everyone of their cheater: Why didn’t the mummy have many friends?

    Because s/he was too wrapped up in her/himself.

  • Instead of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, my STBX has his own version
    Srgt Hero and Mr. Scam
    From the front he is in his Marine Corp uniform, squared away, numerous metals and accomplishments, a real Marine..
    He has that thousand yard stare (better to see ALL of the women in view), deadpan expression, no one can tell what he is thinking or feeling.
    Then as he passes, you hear him bark “Semper Fi………my ass”
    As he marches past you look again and you see a well built man, high and tight hair cut, T-shirt tucked into his jeans, but as you look closer you see papers spilling out of his pockets. Picking up one reveals casino slips, $200.00, $.58, and more.
    Other paperwork follows, deposit slips that reflect incorrect balances ten minutes after printed. A list of email address and their logins.

    You have to stay back a bit while following him or you will step on that extra cell phone that fell on the floor.
    You call him by name but he doesn’t respond. You try other names Marcorp92, Orangeman1020, cgate1192, 92marine, carlos1192. No response, maybe he has a new online dating profile. New identity.

    What treats is he handing out? All sorts of goodies but don’t get too attached because if he needs the money he will take back the car, computer, jewelry he gave you (because he thinks it is still his) and sell it.You know, buy high, sell low.

    What is the difference between a zombie and someone in reconcilliation? With a zombie it is obvious where the foul smell is coming from.

    • My ExH will go in his official firefighter uniform that he wore to World Series game 6 to raise the American flag. His OW, Amber, will go with him clothed in red, white, and blue as “Amber Waves of Shame.” They will not be passing out candy, but there will be a bucket on the porch for all of his “fans” to bring him HIS favorite candy, peanut m&m’s. They will hold a contest for which one of his “fans” shows up most in costume most closely resembling Mr Cheaterpants (props to the child that shows up with a gaggle of female followers!). Top prize for the costume contest will be an autographed aerial shot from Mr Cheaterpants himself at Royals Stadium holding the American flag!!! (“What do you mean you can’t see me?? Im the black speck on the left!!!”) and the privilege of carrying his garbage out for him for an entire week! Good luck kids!!

        • Thanks 🙂 I appreciate the kind thoughts. I didn’t watch the game. Thank God it was on a night I had class so I didn’t have to pretend to be busy. He made sure to send our daughter about ten pictures of himself though. I wanted to say “we’re sorry sir, but the swag bags are only for the players. Also, we’re going to need you to remove your items from Beyoncé’s dressing room.” All of this attention really doesn’t help his narcissistic belief that’s he’s so special.

  • We dressed up in nineteenth century styles one year early on, so how about Charles Boyer in the movie Gaslight

  • Mine will be the smarmy winking porn star producer so he can have all those “fantastically beautiful women. No! Really they are! NoNoNO they are not made up to look like that! My favorite site has men who take porn videos of their wives! Totally raw footage Irish!!! Real good stuff!!!” What? This is bothering you? Upsetting you? Well HELL Irish!! I’m just trying to be transparent!!! I can’t fucking talk to you if you are gonna get alll upset! SEE! THIS is why I lie to you. It’s your fault for not understanding.” So, he will be the smarmy porn poducer with the 20 yo dressed up as a 15yo dressed as a hooker. I am sure he will use the line “WANT SOME CANDY LITTLE GURRRL?”

  • Vampire, “I vant to suck your blood…and your pension, and your IRA…”

    Female (and a few male) vampires cheaters may want to add to that list?

  • CL, I think most of us would like you to keep your candy. Far be it from a Chump to steal someone else’s goodies!

  • The scariest costume was the perfectly mannered and adorable mother costume. It looked like a mom, talked like a mom, Dressed well… and yet it was a costume… the real person wore jeans and Harley gear as she rode on the back of her cheater boyfriend’s Hog (Very appropriate name).. Ooooo scary costume, it looked so real.

  • Q: Why do cheaters always dress like Michael Jackson on Halloween
    A: They look like they are walking to you but the are always waking (moon walking) away!

  • Halloween – it’s the one day the OW gets her freak on and it’s somewhat acceptable. I wish I could post pictures of some of the things she’s dressed as in the past – it’s a wonder I didn’t know she was a porn star until just recently. Anyway – those two pathetic losers are probably going as some version of Dirk Diggler and Roller Girl.

    But who cares about them. I’m so excited you mention Sparkles the Dry Drunk Unicorn, CL! Because I am going as a Unicorn! (and STBX is a dry drunk – what a coinky-dink!) I would be lying if I said that this site had no influence on my costume choice.

    Happy Halloweenie Chump Nation!

    • The only difference is that people who slept with Larry Flynt knew he wasn’t monogamous.

      • You are right. Knew what you were getting into with ol’ Larry.

        My cheater pants is going as his sister…..

  • The Chesire Cat — he grins and grins at you, answers questions in half truths, and then disappears into thin air at a moments notice!

  • my X is going as a cheater and his OW as a homewrecker — because they insist they are neither. get it? and they are giving out STDs

    the STDS is gallows humor, i know, but today i am verrrry angry about the risk my X and the OW put me in with their reckless, selfish choices. my docs have not been able to identify source of my continued symptoms…

    so Booooooooo them.

    • I’m sending you good juju for your girly-bits health. I truly wish you cured and safe and happy. And I’m sending Halloween curses on both of those sadistic assholes. They’ll pay, even if I’m not really a witch, but just look and act like one.

  • Well, since today marks yet another missed child support payment, mine is going as a drum set that doesn’t work…a deadbeat. (Cue the sad trombone.)

  • Mine is going as “Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo” from South Park because he is a POS!

      • love that …..Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo has always been a personal favourite and just feels like the perfect choice for unfaithful lying pricks Halloween costume xx please send photos

  • My ex dressed as a woman for Halloween several times during our marriage. The final time, he actually went and had his legs waxed from ankle to hip, did not tell me he was going to do this. He dressed in a mini skirt and huge fake boobs and long wig. He looked just like his sister. I was mad, which of course made him mad at me. He always did have a thing about body hair — by the time we separated, he kept his chest and genitals completely shaved at all times.

    As for his Halloween costume this year — he doesn’t need a special day to dress up and pretend to be a person he is not. He does that every single day of the year, when he claims to be a devoted Christian, family man, heterosexual, anti-bullying advocate and successful motivational speaker/author/actor.

    • GIO – donkey’s years ago, in my early 20’s, I had a boyfriend who was a transvestite. I tried as hard as any true chump would do, to be uber-liberal and accomodating, but in the end, my ‘function; was merely as a clothes horse and to do all I could to make him prettier than me! I’m sorry to say, but I’ve come away from that experience ‘transvestiteaphobic’ and prone to feeling physically ill at the merest suggestion of any man putting anything ‘feminine’ on – I like to hope I’m a tolerant person but unfortunately, I think in this sphere, the boats have all been burnt for me!

      • BTW – if your interested – the transvestite was a 6ft, hairy biker. I’m 5ft 1in approx 1101b, I was expected to buy into the fantasy of 6ft hairy, burly biker (I don’t know how much he weighed – at least, surely another 60lbs) could fit into my clothes, wear my makeup, jewelry, underwear. I worked in a pub where I was being propositioned regularly on a nightly basis – yer man, the hairy biker, would turn up to pick me up after work, then rush me home for me to take off my clothes for him to put on! Insane! God bless my sweet innocent heart that I didn’t just lie down on the floor in hysterical laughter!

  • Well my ex already looks like Saddam crawling out of his hole so he doesn’t even need a costume!

    Otherwise, I’d say he’s going as Little Jack Horner, except he’ll have his thumb stuck up his ass

  • I think he’ll be dressed the same as he’s been pretty much most of our now ending marriage, Frankenslut. Since he’s made up of mostly dead parts anyway, it should come to no surprise that his “equipment” is half working at best. Not much candy to offer anyone with that diseased appendage!

  • My cheater will be giving out s**t sandwiches as his candy of choice – bite size, or course! Wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite!
    The Sneak-ers bars and the wHoreshey bars are the best! Betcha can’t eat just one! Gah!! 😉

  • My ex SOP (spawn of phlegm) will be wearing his “I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ costume….(pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain and the new wife groveling and throwng me my evening kibbles). His new wife will be attired in her everyday costume the “Cash Cow Udder Woman”. He has always been so good at projecting with smoke and mirrors!

  • You guys are so clever. The Jackass wasn’t a big fan of Halloween, as I suppose it reminds him of his 365/24/7 disguise as “the man who knows everything but never gets credit for his wonderfulness.” He hates to give anything to anybody so he’s the guy who turns out the lights or leaves the house on Trick-or-Treat night.

  • I could be wrong, but ‘The Great I Am’ will probably be going as ‘ Dear God Almighty’. His treat … well HIM, of course!

    Failing that he could be going as Slimeball the Slimeball from Slimeballsville – his treat – oh some piece of crap masquerading as a dildo (what is it about THIS. DOES. NOTHING. FOR. ME. you don’t understand?) which was a constant ‘treat’ for me – despite my best efforts to stop him wasting his money!

  • What did the vampire say to my cheater? – You suck more than I do.
    Why did the ghost shiver and moan? – Because it’s really your ex and AP under that sheet.
    What does a skeleton have more of than my ex? – Guts.
    What do I call my ex’s girlfriend? – His ghoul friend.
    Why can’t my ex have sex tonight? – Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

  • My ex will probably not “hand out” candy. He’ll dangle it in front of the children and then yank it away when they reach for it to see what happens. Happy Halloween-the sociopath way!

  • A Zombie/Cheater refers to a dead person who walks, thinks, and attacks living persons

    v.

    Someone in reconciliation: A Schmup who walks, thinks, and attacks a semi-living person, most likely their spouse.

    Difference: A Schmup feels remorse; a Zombie/Cheater feels NOTHING!!

    CLL

  • My loser 53 year old ex can go as a middle age high school football player to match Schmoopie, the middle age high school cheerleader. Underneath their Costumes – sparkly turd paint.

    • I Forgot to add……that’s what they both were 35 years ago before he cheated on her too…
      Boy am I a chump

      • I’d trade the book (already have one – it’s been well-read!) and the candy for a Tracy cartoon of this.

  • Listening to the Science Friday segment just now on NPR…there is apparently a special kind of leech that only attaches and feeds from the anal tissue of a Hippopotamus.

    Seems about right. Sometimes you can’t improve on nature…

  • Can I play too? I’ve got some ideas for my stbx…..
    The reconciliation unicorn-but he’s really just a jackass with a toilet plunger on his head
    EZ Lube-dressed as a normal man but equipped with iPhone porn in one hand and Astroglide lube in the other
    An ass-all he has to do is wear underwear on his head
    Pinhead from Hellraiser movies-because with one twist he turned my world into a hell maze that me and my son are trying to escape from
    Lastly, the creature from Aliens-because he latched onto me like a parasite and then ripped my heart out of my chest leaving me to die while he runs off to watch underage porn, pay under age hookers etc

  • Mine will go as the Little Shop of Horrors plant, “FEEEEEED MEEEEE….”

    I will go as Chumpy Rick Moranis.

  • I’m back because this is too much fun but I have finally figured out the ULTIMATE Halloween costume for my stbx-
    He will be a Hoover Vacuum-BECAUSE I KNOW THAT HE SUCKS!!!!!

  • My X would go as Captain Save-a-Ho. Complete with a cape and large “C” on his chest.

    He would call himself this when were married. He would talk on the phone to his “in a bad way” female colleagues after hours and when questioned he said these “poor” girls needed a positive male role model in their life and giving them advice made him feel like “Captain Save-a-Ho”. It was completely innocent and made him feel “important”. I found out later that he was not just giving these girls advice and was actually “Captain Fuck-a-Ho”. His new superhero title landed him in divorce court. Who’s your Captain now????? I’m the Captain now!

  • X could go as his balding-but-swooping, paunchy, pervy-mustasched, scowly self, always spouting sarcasm, disdain and visible contempt for others; that’s scary enough. But, if he and schmoopie want to “dress up,” to tell the world how special they are, he should wrap in a used kitchen trash bag and go as a semi-limp, pus-crusted dick that spouts venomous lies every time he “explodes” in a rage. His bimbo? She can just wear the trash can and go as garbage.

    For Halloween fun, I like to picture them as stars in their own sci-fi horror film circa 1950, the ones that are so artfully and hilariously ripped apart on Mystery Science Theater 3000. They’re acting their hearts out, thinking everyone is buying their performances as star-crossed, true lovers who had to nuke our family because I was the wicked witch keeping them apart. But those of us sitting with Joel and his robots know the only kudos they’ll ever get are Razzie Awards. More likely; they’ll fade away like all cheap, discarded film.

  • Mine is going as Pinocchio.( I don’t think he’ll ever be real.) He’ll use the end of a broomstick for a nose. There will be no treats coming out of his place. He has a sign on his property that says something about Trespassers being shot, yeah he’s real proud of that one. So… if one comes trick or treating they’ll taste lead.

  • Venue: Costume Party
    Attending: STBX and Schmoopie
    Costumes: The Emperor’s New Clothes!

    They think they’ve dressed in cool motorcycle leathers, ready to ride off into the sunset. He, a young Harrison Ford; she a vision of Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time.

    But they’re wearing Emperor’s Clothes!

    He is the gray goatee gracing a double-chin, with his new paunch spilling over the top of his Wranglers, hiding his Harley belt buckle. She is the redhead needing a root job, with her 200lb body stuffed into a teenager’s notion of high fashion–looking a lot like a sausage dressed as a hooker.

    Treats:

    She does tricks for alcoholic treats.
    He gobbles her tricks, thinking them treats.

  • “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!!” – the Great and Powerful Oz

    That’s what I witnessed when the “good guy” mask slipped. YIKES!

  • Everyone has really made me smile today. The first time I ever saw an email from the married mother of 4 ow was on Halloween, so I’m triggery and super insecure today (bonus points and extra thanks to you, peri menopause!). The affair hadn’t started, but even tho I’d been out of the work force for 15yrs, I knew that 10pm on Halloween i wouldn’t have sent my married boss a cutesy note trying to “bust u for digging into the kids’ candy!!” Seriously – a 50 yr old woman saying that to a 45 yr old man. My trick for her? listing out the sordid details of the sex to her h, with lots of hotel addresses, dates, embellishing and piles of artistic license and no human body part or skin fold left unturned in my descriptions. it was my treat to myself. She looks like a dirty pillowcase hillbilly in cargo pants on her best day, so I’m sure she scares everyone all year ’round. She certainly still gives me nightmares. Since the whole mess started, I have gotten back into the work force, in fashion, and I look like a hot ticket (oh god I try so hard) every blessed day that I leave the house. (She’s been known to drive around here) But today I felt sickened a bit regardless. It really is the gift that keeps on shitting on you. Thank you chump nation for the giggles today, but I fucking hate Halloween.

    • I don’t blame you, Nic, under the circumstances. But take heart, each year you can claim more of Halloween until it’s yours again. They can’t ruin it forever.

      • That’s my hope too – coming here certainly helps, and frankly laughing feels so good. Thank you ml!

  • Mine is living with an unemployed, 60-year-old waitress who’s currently being supported by her husband. So, I guess they’re going as White Trash Soap Opera and handing out, I don’t know, Mommy Issues??

  • I am a sorceress tonight and with my magic wand I shall make his Johnson whither, decay and drop off, he will grovel at my feet only to be laughed at (as he has done to me many times) and when he has costumed-up (cowboy – AGAIN) I will lasso him, hog-tie him to his beloved hot rod and push them both over a cliff. All the while gleefully laughing and singing “I am woman, hear me roar!” Then I shall ever-so-meekly and benevolently leave sparkly ego-kibbles on the footings of the man-cave/workshop he will never build because his fuckery has cost him too much. Then I will pen a delicious note on the side of his OTHER pride-and-joy 72 Chev saying “I feel sorry for you because every morning when you wake up you have to be you.” GOD!! That would feel good!
    I’m not bitter at all…
    Lorna

    • I have my stbx’s 72 nova in my garage. It was still in my name after DDay. I had given it to him for his 50th birthday. He begged for it. I am woman hear me roar. Lol

  • Costume: Harry Houdini (“Now you see him! Now you don’t!”)
    Line: “Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Give me lots of kibbles to eat! If you don’t, I’ll think you suck and I’ll find someone else to fuck!”
    Hands Out: He doesn’t. You give him candy. Eye candy.

    (It was a close tie between Harry Houdini and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas since he really did steal Christmas by walking out. However, I could not reconcile the fact that the Grinch has a change of heart by the end of the book and my ex just doesn’t have one.)

  • This year, and apparently several, STBX has been going as the infamous CARLOS DANGER… one among many for his dating site user ids. One stupid ho-bag actually referred to him as Carlos!!

    He will not be handing out anything because his hands are too busy jerking off to skype.
    Glad I don’t have that sticky computer anymore!!

    Besides, narcs NEVER give out anything, it is always “hey I need a TRICK, cause I AM THE TREAT”

    no treats for you chump!

    But…..divorce is a treat for us, isn’t it?

    call me…soon to be free of carlos danger!

    Happy Halloween CN!!

  • All rather brilliant, and perhaps they will spark CL to some fabulous cartoons. The dick-headed Medusa is particularly vivid.

    OW decided to send my child a picture of her halloween garb… she was dressed as a dead bride. This was beyond hysterical to me… not exactly sure why, it was just so… right for her somehow. Hollow eye sockets, blood dripping from her mouth corners… not a flattering look.

    And it scared my kid, which was interesting. You think semi-step-ho would not want to scare the semi-step-child…

    Just weird. But I’ll always think of her that way: Dead Bride.

    STBX is probably going in his usual look: angry man.

  • My X wasband shall go out tonight as a “Walker” from “The Walking Dead”
    His treats will be pretty passive by handing out Tuburculosis.
    Wasband had a fascination with the zombie apocalypse and never knew he had become one himself, complete with his soul less dead eyes and insatiable need for human flesh.
    He is handing out Tuberculosis, because that was his parting gift to me. This treat is unknown to him because I have latent TB and the CDC does not mandate reporting… He must have picked this up when he engaged in indiscriminate behaviors with women from 3rd world countries where TB is rampant and drug resistant. OOOOH the gift that keeps giving. I should be done with my 9 month treatment for Valentines Day.

    I still have no place to live but on a blow up mattress on my mom’s living room floor. I had yet another surgery last week, so I am still pretty out of it. I name my installation art/costume Mid Life Crisis Fall Out. I laid in my blow up bed sick as shit while the Trick Or Treaters came to the door for treats all to see me lying there in the middle of the living room recovering from surgery I looked the very pitiful part tonight!

    • I am so sorry. I’m thinking of you ENM. Even on a blow up mattress, your life is better. No more shit sandwiches! I’d rather sleep on a blow up mattress and have nothing than sleep in a brand new house with a cheater. HUGS!!

  • This is not a joke– mine showed up to take the kids trick or treating dressed as the devil. That about sums up everything he’s done and what he’s become. As far as I knew, he lived a pretty upright life before he cheated on me. Quite the fallen angel…

  • Chump Nation, I believe all our exes existed as J.K.Rowlings’ Dementors in our lives! “Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself — soul-less and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.”
    ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
    Handing out foul memories. So glad to to be free of mine and to be celebrating Halloween with those I love and with those who love me! Chocolate, Chinese food, and new beer! aren’t so bad either!

  • The OW and now ex-husband (yay!) will be dressing as “groom and bride”, as they got married last weekend after a few hours of our divorce being finalized…of course, they “are” all happy and pose for pictures as the perfect “family” (them and her daughter). He hasnt even introduce the kids to her (although they’ve been together since he left me pregnant to be with her) but I’m relieved they didn’t invite “my babies” (all under 5) and they didn’t have to be part of such grotesque and “horror show”!

  • What’s your cheater dressing as this Halloween?
    I don’t know about this Halloween because our court order says not to converse unless it has to do with the kids 🙂 but I will say the year before I found out he was gay, he was a banana for halloween. He walked around a party we were out saying he ‘couldn’t keep his hands off himself’.

    What treats are they handing out?
    He never has. He expects people to buy the candy and when people tell him good job on selecting the candy, he says thanks and his chest puffs out. When I teased him about not buying the candy because I did, he said he did buy the candy and that I didn’t see him buy the candy. Maybe I shod have been the fool with the spinning head.

    What do cheaters say on Halloween?
    It’s my candy. You got it for me.

    What’s the difference between a zombie and someone in reconciliation?
    Walking dead creatures.

  • I’m sure mine went as a sugar-daddy-bald-legged-old-man-and-handsome stud. Of course, he only sees himself as a handsome stud, so he may have dressed as one of his heroes: Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant or Michael Vick. His latest victim probably dressed as something sexy, hoping to please him – but it’s a year and a half into their relationship, so he’s probably punishing her for it this morning. The truth is, everything is a costume to hide his twisted reality. Even his self-serving “infante terribles” routine hides the truth that he is an emotionally stunted three year old in a grown man’s body – who probably wants to do really nasty things to his mommy and hates her for making him rub her feet. That was my experience. Zombie apocalypse? I came dressed as the sacrificial chump!

  • These were all scary to read ; ). Mine is going as Jerry Lundegaard the Minnesota nice car salesman from the movie Fargo and both Nick and Amy Dunne from the book Gone Girl all rolled into one.

    • I meant should go as…Halloween was yesterday. He has my child now.I skipped Halloween this year, did not have my heart in it, although I love the idea of poking fun at death.

  • Happy All Saint’s Day!

    Coildn’t pitch in yesterday as I was travelling. Mr Fab will have gone out for Hallowe’en in his usual disguise: ponytail (carefully combed to cover the blind spot, never mind the hairline it at the top of his hollow skull), and utilikilt cinched in hard over the beer gut, which is straining to be contained by the trendy metal band T shirt. He will be handing out cocaine and syphlilis. The Downgrade, no doubt will be rocking her everyday Mutton-dressed-as-Lamb ensemble, and would be scaring the local children as usual, accessorized with a cheap cig and a can of Stella Artois.

    Happy Nomehber!

    x-Meh.

  • what do you say to the homewrecker that stole your husband?
    nothing, you let her keep him

    why did the man cross the road?
    to get to the Other Woman

    what do cheaters give out on halloween?
    crabs and then they lie about it

    ok. i know pretty lame, i suck at joks but i did marry one.

    but i really wanted the book. haha good luck to everyone. and i hope everyone enjoyed their halloween

    • what is the difference between vampire and my XH
      nothing, neither one has a soul and both suck the life out of people

  • Off topic, I just wanted to say, this Halloween was bittersweet for me.
    There were so many kids who I gave out candy to who said things like “I like your house, it is pretty”,
    and “hey guys, this is the house with the cute dogs”. All the while, I am thinking, I have no idea where I will be next year on Halloween, and if I even will be able to keep my dogs, or have to give them up to a rescue.
    Makes me said, thats all 🙁

    • Sodone, Know that it may be a struggle but you will be fine. I lost my home, my community, my job, because my POS ex went all scorched earth on me. It’s amazing what matters though. Good health, my family, my children. It has been a struggle though but I am finding my way. Life is bittersweet. We know we are doing a good job when we just keep getting up.

  • Mine dressed as “good guy father of the year” as he trick or treats with the OW’s kids while I am with our daughter. She just turned 1 on the 24th and Halloween is the anniversary of when she was released from NICU… And Halloween 2 years ago is when I had to undergo a D & E to remove my first angel baby girl who lost her life when I was 21 weeks pregnant. He’s such a POS!!

    • Not okay. 🙁 C2. One of these days you will look back and know that his absence in your life is actually a very big blessing. Your life now has the potential to be great and that IMHO would have never been possible with him. Hugs to you on the loss of your first little angel and hugs to your second, her little sis! One is so magical and won’t you be the forever parent! <3

  • I know the contest is over… these are all great! really cheered me up bc Halloween has become sad for me; Cheater really loved Halloween parties and for ten years running we had these huge-normous HW parties at our house, with 100 people or more. There will probably never be any more blowout bashes like that in this house again.

    I of course paid for all the food and drinks! I think this was a good example of his Narc grandiosity to show off to everyone with a huge party, massive amounts of HW decorations, lights, skulls etc. Besides paying for it all I of course also worked my ass off all through the whole party. Very ironic some of the costumes we dressed in… two that come to mind: He was “The Tycoon,” in a top hat and cane, and I was dressed as a french maid. In another we were Bonnie and Clyde. Wish I’d know back then he would rob me for real 😉

    • Here’s Cheater and me as the Tycoon and the French Maid, nine years ago. Thanks to losing the obligatory 25 lbs over the past year since DDay I’m happy to say I still pretty much look like this though I just turned 59 two weeks ago. Cheater’s grin and smirk are not quite visible because I have blurred out his face to avoid any legal claims:

      https://www.dropbox.com/s/2hl187xhm6r1tzh/tycoon%20blurred.jpg?dl=0

      It’s very ironic… he never had much income and was sucking off of me all those years (16), but I was happy to wait on him hand and foot (therapy is helping and I will never do that again) I look forward to having some happier Halloweens in the future when I’m in a better stage of my healing.

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