Could Dean McDermott be any more predictable? Trotting out the impression management cliches of cheaters everywhere, Dean tells the press he will “not be defined” by his cheating and “I’m not a monster, I’m a human being and I messed up.”
“I messed up and I’m owning up to it and I’m getting help. But to label me a monster or evil is very hurtful.”
The self-pity card seems to be McDermott’s preferred mindfuckery.
“You know, I’m not the first person to ever cheat on his wife.”
So, hey, stop singling him out! Why is everyone picking on him? You’re only making an issue of out this because he’s Dean McDermott.
“The affair was more about how I was feeling about myself than having an affair.”
The bank robbery was more about I was feeling about myself than a bank robbery. See, it’s not what you do, it’s how you feel about it. Were you in a dark place? Suffering from low self-esteem? Broken? Go hurt some people and steal their shit. Maybe that will lift your spirits! What matters here is YOU and your feelings…. for yourself.
Meanwhile, self-pity seems to be a contagion in the McDermott/Spelling household. Tori Spelling, surviving her imaginary pregnancy and Ebola outbreak, wrote on Instagram:
“This sick in hospital I finally see how quickly life can take it all awayfrm you. We all need 2 step up frm inside& go 4 it! W/our friends by our side. Sadly I’ve finally faced truth that 1 person will never be there 4 me #TrueTori“
I can’t figure out what’s worse. The hashtag plugging her show? The mawkish non sequitors? The dumb teaser? (Oh! Who is the 1 person? I can’t possibly guess!) Or just the pure stupidity — LIFE can take it all away from you? No, Tori, I think you’re referring to DEATH.
Dlisted, once again, hits the snark out of the park deconstructing her “nervous breakdown.”
Get better soon, Tori.
Attention whora. My inner voices tell me she’s suffering from a similar version of NPD. After all, she IS a cheater too.
Good grief. Do they actually possess idiot super powers?
Hahahahahaha, love this
That would be 2 wives you’ve cheated on, Dean. If there’s ever a Mrs. McDermott no. 3, she’ll need to put in a herculean effort to make sure you don’t feel badly about yourself because we all know the consequences of you being in a dark place.
Just waiting for this to escalate into full-blown Munchausen by Proxy Syndrom for the pleasure of TV audiences everywhere (if they have cable or satellite TV and absolutely nothing better to do) and CPS to get involved, or maybe the money-bags grandma can launch a child custody fight and lure in a few dozen more viewers.
Yeah, as I think one commentator said, Dean’s follow on to “You know, I’m not the first person to ever cheat on his wife.should be “…and this isn’t the first wife I’ve cheated on either.”
Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, Mr Career Cheater.
“The affair was more about how I was feeling about myself than having an affair.” – Dean McDermott
I actually believe this statement is true. It IS more about how he was feeling…he was feeling completely entitled, didn’t care about hurting others, and lacked the moral fortitude to check those feelings with adult like reasoning to prevent further destruction. However, it is not an either/or as he puts it…either his feelings OR the affair. That’s a false dilemma. It can be both. The affair is merely the outward manifestation of a cheating heart. You have to tell yourself cheating is okay first before doing it…apparently his favorite lie is that his feelings entitled him to cheating.
I agree DM. I believe that it always starts from the heart. When we get an unwanted thought and if our hearts don’t align with it, we brush it off or seek help to ensure that we behave in ways in accordance with our hearts. A cheater heart? It could justify anything as long as it get what it wants. My ex even thought it was okay to cheat and leave the marriage because our son was now an adult and that makes it all better. I can’t make this stuff up.
NAH I would say it starts from the head, both heads that is;) no heart matters involved…
Oh my word! It continues to floor me how scripted these shits are.
You could write an entire book on the cliched shit cheaters say and sell it in the humour section. It would go something like this:-
Chapter 1 – 101 variations on I care about you but I don’t love you anymore
Chapter 2 – 102 deviations on how I just need to be happy
Chapter 3 – 103 ways I’ll tell you how your effort is too little too late (That damn water under the bridge)
Chaper 4 – (This is the fun chapter) 104 examples of gaslighting
Chaper 5 – 105 fabulous examples of blame shifting
Chapter 6 – (The really wierd shit) Why I don’t love you anymore (You always make bagged salad, You don’t wear polka dots,You put the furniture against the walls, You are too tall :O, You don’t greet me naked at the door (when you live with his/her mom))
Chapter 7 – 107 examples of how it’s not my fault and it JUST HAPPENED.
Chapter 8 – 108 examples of YOU CAN”T MAKE ME!
Chapter 9 – 109 examples of how many years they were unhappy for and how they tried to tell you. (Hint mine was BEFORE THE WEDDING)
So glad I have my sense of humour back.
Oh, you nailed it. That’ their playbook to a T.
God I love this site
That is a great book! So freaking true!!!
I am still amazed by the relief I feel each time I see the universality of cheating behaviors.
I really loved my husband and respected my marriage. For 2 awful years (starting year 22 of marriage) while he was cheating and i didn’t know, i believed all the cruel things he said to me. (Yes, i was not always affectionate! Yes, i did not want to go to concerts Friday night after working all week..and coordinating all daily family details (he did was was ASKED) , and Yes, i had …boundaries,). Etc.
A friend said it best once: there is a kernel of truth in what he says, but he turns it into a whole ear of awful (gas lighting). And when we chumps care about the happiness of our life long marriage partner, we do not know the cheater is actually hitting us over the head with the ear of corn. We just know something isn’t right. And then we (me anyway) fill in the story line assuming our partner is…faithful. ( he is tired, stressed, had a traumatic childhood, etc).
I have no regret about being a good enough wife. I do regret not having access to Chump (infidelity) knowledge. Let’s get it out there!!
Chump Nation should publish a White Paper. Use Coralf Says outline above and submit real life examples. It could be sold for a small fee with proceeds going to support Chump Lady Blog …or just be free.
Free. I appreciate my freedom more and more each day. On my way to meh.
I think for a lot of us it’s like watching a train wreck. I may never see the karma bus hit my x in such a public way – but I can envision it with the help of Dean and Tori and all their specialness – yuck.
I think the term “Karma Bus”, unfortunately, is another creation founded on misunderstanding that lives within infidelity forums. Instead of being some sort of pseudoscience, though, it’s founded on a Western misinterpretation of Budhist Doctrine.
Budhism isn’t theistic, and the concept of Karma is simply that actions have consequences (good, bad, indifferent). It’s basically, “cause and effect” with the added mythos that our Karma keeps us locked into the cycle of Samsara (birth, death, and re-birth) as opposed to achieving Nirvana (escaping the cycle of rebirth and suffering). Karma doesn’t imply some kind of judgement. It just implies that actions have consequences (fruition), and sometimes those consequences even have consequences (multiple fruitions).
The way “Karma Bus” is used, however, is as if there is some sort of divine judgment involved: the things you do to me will come back to haunt you; you will be judged (by the cosmos, I presume). Budhists wouldn’t make that claim. They would however note that unless you attain enlightenment, you are doomed to cycle over and over again through the various realms of existence and continue to suffer in different ways. The only way to attain enlightenment and escape that cycle, according to Budhist Doctrine, is to follow the eight-fold path, and the eight-fold path would preclude things like cheating and hurting others because it includes these items:
1. Right View.
2. Right Intention.
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livlihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration
I thought about this a lot back when the whole Tiger Woods scandal broke. Tiger Woods was a Budhist, and I asked myself how sleeping with all those women and telling all those lies involved right mindfulness, right effort, right speech, right action, and right intention.
I’m not a believer in reincarnation, so I’d make a lousy Budhist, but I do agree with the ethics, and I’d have a hard time arguing that actions have consequences since that is a basic premise of empiricism and much of Science. Whether or not somebody’s behavior and peculiar psychology leads to something that I would consider a “being judged for their sins” moment, though I agree, is kind of irrelevant. Their actions, their psychology and way of looking at things does often sort of keep them locked into a peculiar kind of suffering even if they don’t seem to ever realize it… even in this lifetime.
err “arguing ‘AGAINST’ the idea that actions have consequences…”.
I believe disordered people invite disorder into their lives. They love the chaos, they love the crisis-it’s what makes them feel alive. “Karma” is a manifestation of the need to engage in destructive behavior; destruction begats destruction. It is not revenge, it is not “getting what’s do”, it is the inevitable result of making bad and selfish choices.
These two clowns are the best example of this. They would rather get the attention for their destructive behavior than try to fix it. Fame whores, the two of them. Pity the children who have to live in that crazy world. The oldest looks so sad it breaks my heart, but his parents are oblivious to his pain.
Karma doesn’t mean you hope and wait for something to happen. It is the understanding that bad decisions lead to bad results. As one person posted here, their karma is being them. We don’t need a front row seat at the crazy circus to understand they are going to end of standing in a huge pile of elephant shit at some point in the future.
Violet, very true. I must admit I found my ex’s situation funny when I found out. I mean it destroyed me but What a STUPID decision. Now he can live with his whore. Karma right there. Lol!
TimeHeals, I also admire the Buddhist ethics. I, too, will be quite the lousy Buddhist since I don’t believe in reincarnation but their teachings are excellent. Will our cheaters ever admit to us how much they’re suffering, assuming they finally face themselves? I don’t know. Mine told me last year was the worst year of his life. Do I believe him? I honestly don’t care – all that comes up now are neutral feelings. It’s like a stranger I meet on the train who tells me how horrible life is and all I could do is listen. I can say a silent prayer but when my stop comes, the stranger and his story stay on the train.
I hope to arrive at the neutrality that you have found. I’m still experiencing anger and every other negative emotion that goes with finding out husband uses prostitutes and the stress of an impending divorce. I am slowly but surely becoming semi-well again. This shit makes me sick.
Linda, the recovery is really hard. I am not going to sugar coat it but you will survive this. When you come out on the other side, you will find that you are so much better off. Until I’ve experienced it, I never would have believed I am where I am today. In my early days, I came here and reading posts from fellow chumps who have achieved meh. I thought I would never get there. Once I got there, life was so much better than it ever has. Stay the course. It will get better.
Thanks for that explanation, T H.
I do think that the karma bus comments understand that misfortune is a result of consequence rather than divine intervention – basically, that when choices are made with a lack of care and concern for others, the karma lies in the fickle selfish and shallow actions, that being not based in care and authenticity, they end up in disappointment or destruction for the inauthentic one.
Similarly, if we chose to remain in anger and bitterness, we ensure our karma of ongoing suffering.
I really fight with this one, and hope that the length it is taking me is a slow process of working through grief to acceptance and that I will eventually find serenity. I sure do hope so.
As someone once said here, their karma is being them. Disordered people do disordered shit. They can’t help themselves.
They can too help themselves, having affairs is not a disordered act. Having affairs is a very calculated acted that you would have to actually have to be very clear headed to pull off all this cheating and deceit.
There is no “fog”
There is a foglike feeling, a feeling like life is not real for those cheated on.
They are not disordered, they are pure evil.
I like to think if it more like this:
You know if you just don’t show up for work for entire days at a time for no apparently reason and without ever arranging time off or if you start fights with everybody at work, you will probably get fired eventually.
Everybody kind of knows that. Some people do it anyway. Over and over and over.
Exactly right. When you leave fish out in the sun it’s going to rot,100% of the time. There are natural consequences to every act, whether we witness those consequences or not. I am little further down the road than some here and no longer need to see the chaos to know that it will take its eventual toll. But I continue to believe, “as you sow, so shall you reap.”
^^^This.^^^ All of this. Also love the name, because I too, am “really tired of it”, because the STBX thing is not happening soon enough.
You will, Patsy. I never thought I would come to the point where I saw my wedding anniversary as a gift – that I am no longer married but at least I got a great kid out of it. With acceptance truly comes peace. I now see my ex for exactly who he is so I don’t even want to be in the same room with him, let alone want him. He is now part of the graveyard of old boyfriends. I got to this point through meditation, prayer and living in the present and just allowing things to be exactly as they are.
Patsy, give yourself time…. I was married for twenty years and dated my ex for eight. Our life together was my whole world. We have three beautiful children. When he abandoned us, we were all in survival mode and we struggled. It has been five years now and my ex is no longer any part of my life. That is a sane decision. I enjoy my single life but wrestle with the whole meeting men kind of thing. I like the idea but am not sure of the process. I just know that if I am open to the world and participate that one day I may find someone who values what I do. It is a journey and I am hopeful.
I’m OK — better than OK really–if I never had another serious romantic relationship. In fact, I get to be selfish a lot of the time now, and it doesn’t affect anybody but me (I am most selfish while my dogs nap). I have been on vacation this week: sleep in until I want to get up, go to sleep when I want (though I have to move to bedroom around 8pm so the dogs will curl up somewhere and go to sleep).
Spent years not worrying about myself much. It’s a nice change. I could get used to it. I usually find myself pretty easy to get along with too.
TimeHeals, I know this sounds cynical but I do not believe in romance, it does not exist. I was married for 37 years and have known the ex husband for 45 years, well I thought I knew him! I have only ever had the one so called love and I am not prepared to be duped again. The pain and the mental anguish I went through is not worth the trouble. My remaining years will be lived in peace and quiet and not ever having to second guess or be a detective ever again, the risk is simply not worth it. I appreciate others do go on to have good relationships after their betrayals and divorces but I know I am better off alone.
If Dean really wants help, he needs to stop saying he’s not a monster, and accept that he has been behaving like a monster and try to change that. Not turn the table to make himself into the victim. He’s basically saying that because he behaves like a monster isn’t a reason to label him as a monster. That’s absurd. I’d also like to label him a moron, because that is one of the stupid things cheaters say, that and the ‘everybody is dong it’ thing. “I’m not the only scumbag, therefore I’m not a scumbag”. The math doesn’t add up on that one. I say that if you act like a monster, you probably are one, even if you insist you’re not.
He’s not the first person to ever cheat on his wife. Ok, and he is also not the first cheater to not completely put a thought process into in and finish an sentence or have all the details in the sentence.
I am not the first person to cheat on my wife and this is also not the first wife I have cheated on, or the first time. This is a sequel I enjoy. I enjoy the hunt of another sexual partner, I enjoy the deceit of whatever wife I have, I enjoy telling lies to the eventual ow, I enjoy having sex with the next ow for the first time, it is a real high, the entire process.
There, why didn’t he just say that.
The message from Toris awakening in a hospital bed is pure shit. A message from a hosipital bed.
What about those who die in ambulances on the way to a hospital, or from cancer, or are killed on a highway.
Yes Tori for for it with your friends by your side. That comment tells me you have learned nothing at all and you feel free to ransack another marriage.
Ok he is not a monster, he is a total shithead bastard. I like that better than a monster.
No he is not a monster that a child sees in a closet at night and a light going on makes the monster go away.
Dean asshole person who has a tv show about how stupid you are, no you are not a little monster at all, and you know that already so stop whining about how horrible you are.
OMG, that posed picture of her dramatically lying in the hospital bed with her hands crossed over her heart…..funny how she’s made up and her hair is styled. yeah, that’s how everyone looks in the middle of a nervous breakdown, all picture-perfect while asking an assistant to take a pic for Instagram. My ex has actually faked two hospital incidents for attention…. well, one of them he simply told our son he was in the ER having a heart attack, but that turned out to be a complete lie, he was actually at an amusement park. The other time, he created a minor medical problem, went to ER, milked it for all it was worth and now refers to it as his “brush with death” that taught him how precious life is.
Dean has a ton of excuses including that he just needs sex at least once a day and he’s got Tori falling all over herself to provide. I can’t imagine how empty that must feel, to put out only to keep your spouse from cheating and not because you love it and each other.
I admit to watching the show but I don’t think there’s one decent human being on it. Tori will do and say anything to keep ratings up.
Dean is not a person, he is (to steal a phrase from another media storm) an “attention-huffing shitgoblin”.
By saying “I’m Not the First Person to Ever Cheat”, he is justifying, minimizing, trying to excuse his actions, so that proves right there, once a cheater, always a cheater. He pretends to owning up to it, ONLY, because he got caught. I am sure this wasn’t the first time he cheated on Tori (what about his poor first wife?)and its the only time he got caught while being married to Tori. What a fucking loser!!
As usual, the best predictor of future behavior is the past behavior and Tori should’ve known, if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you…
You know she cheated too, right?
Yes I do and it just blows my mind she thought he wouldn’t cheat on her. Because “she is the special one” you know. In their case she got cheated on first. I wonder though what would’ve been Dean’s reaction if she cheated on him first, I wonder if he would’ve been ok with it and would be willing to “work on their marriage”? In the case of my cheating ex he simply couldn’t handle it, because he told me straight out, from the get go that if I ever cheat on him we would be done, right there and then! He cheated on his ex-wife through out the years (which I didn’t know until much later) with different women, but when she cheated he couldn’t handle it, didn’t want to work on their marriage and divorced. This fuckwit expected complete loyalty, honesty, faithfulness from me but the same rules didn’t apply to him obviously. I am so glad I finally saw the light after much gaslighting and dumped his worthless ass!
She’ll cheat on him too, if the right opportunity comes along and there isn’t a camera following her at that exact moment. She’d find reasons, and shift blame to his cheating, and to her brokenness.. you know the drill.
“Grow up. i mean, it’s not like I was the first person to ever kill someone.” ~ Pol Pot
The old “I wasn’t the first to do x” defense.. always wins in court, you can’t really argue against it.
“You weren’t the first person to ever rob a bank? Didn’t realize that.. Not guilty, you’re free to go.. keep the money, sorry to bother you with all this litigation and junk”
When my cheater ex-wife qualifies or minimizes her 5 year affair I often just replace “cheating” with “drunk driving” in my head. “I didn’t mean to “, ” is so common” …etc. l. Also, I do believe we can separate people from their behavior… sometimes. When people do own up to a lone mistake; yes. My ex-wife pulled off a double life for five years, that is not a mistake or bad behavior, it is a way of being.
“I’m not a monster” – Martyr Man tactic 101. My ex used to say this all the time, despite the fact that no one, including me, ever said he was a monster. Saying “I’m not a monster” will cause an auto response in most of us “I never said you were” “of course you aren’t”. Very easy way to divert you. That little ditty is designed for pity, don’t fall for that crap – it’s really shitty…
Mine wrote those exact words in an email to me after DDay1. Wish I hadn’t stuck around for DDay2 to find out yes, he really is.
I love it CL when you write an article about Tori and Dean. I look forward to them. Unfortunately I do watch the show because it’s a train wreck. Can’t help it.
I have heard the following;
“I’m sure people in your family have done worse and they are still together…their spouses have forgiven them”
“tons of guys do it” -going to craigslist for sex
“I’m a good person, you are the only one who doesn’t think so”
“I’m human, we all make mistakes”
The apology followed by the justifying of behavior is what kills me.
Mine said, “90% of red-blooded males would have done what I did,” because we weren’t having sex often enough for his preference.
Along with ‘I’m not the first person to cheat’ and ‘I’m not a monster’ we mustn’t forget to add ‘I didn’t intend to hurt you’ – these are the three faves of the ‘Great I Am’ and why my calling him a lying cheating bastard monster are so much worse than what he did.
Sometimes it is really scary that they all basically say the same shit or some variation that means basically the same thing. I’m really starting to believe there might actually be a cheater playbook out there that they all get instructions from!
There actually is a book called “The Script”. It’s not a cheater playbook, it’s written as a play (I have read it, just heard of it) about the stupid shit they all say and do.
I meant to say I have not read it.
Pappa Possum is an idiot and Cyclops in Reverse is an even bigger one. I hope they stay together. Keep ’em out of the general population, I say.
2 pigs rolling in their own mud. No thanks.
I recently had to inform my cheating ex wife her daughter was facing legal trouble. Her response? “After everything ive been through in the last two years its hard for me to get worked up about this.” Yeah, in other words, its not about me so i dont care. Theyre are all the same and the good faithful moral people end up doing the heavy lifting, always. This shows a waste of time, reasoning with idiot cheaters is a waste of time and thinking like the pop psych world does that these people can be fixed is a waste of time.