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The Benevolent OW

OW_walkAn alert chump sent me this letter from an OW (Aria) to a chump girlfriend (Candy).

I think these names have to be made up. Aria? Seriously? You’re an operatic solo full of passion and meaning and the chump is some frivolous little confection? A Mars bar? A jellybean?

Anyway, I digress. The letter is another example of this peculiar phenomenon of OW feigning benevolence to the chump.

When they blow the whistle on the affair, and want you to join their pick me line dance, it’s always for the stated purpose of helping you know the Real Truth.

Of course, they were fine with you not knowing the truth while they were fucking your boyfriend, but now that their legs are tiring of the pick me dance, and the boyfriend remains content with the cake situation, they find their newfound zeal for unvarnished honesty and the welfare of the chump.

Yeah, whatevers.

Look, I’m all for OW telling the chump. Don’t get me wrong. But they need to check their cloak of self righteousness at the door. A simple “I’ve been fucking your partner and I’m sorry” will suffice. The very last thing a chump needs on her D-Day is an shovel full of how great thou art from the OW. OW — you’re not morally superior, okay? And we’re not all in this together as fellow chumps. You CHOSE this shit.

Men — I don’t know any cases of OM who do this crap. It seems to be some gender division on this. Theorize amongst yourselves. (Men are precious kibble resources! We must compete for them!) OM seem to be more straightforward sleaze bags. They just fuck your wives and don’t think too deeply about it. Thank God for small mercies.

Anyway back to Aria. Her letter begins with “I’m deeply sorry” and then goes on to turn that sentiment on its ear.

“I am writing this because I am feeling guilty and maybe a little bit spiteful.”

Aria, a little primer on apologies — saying “you’re sorry” isn’t done out of spite. It’s done out of recognizing that you’ve been shitty.  You only got one sentence in before you made this All About You.

“I’ve plead with him to tell you the truth.”

Of course you have. You’re sick to death of the pick me dance. PICK ME! you motherfucker! ME!!!! Eliminate the competition for once and for all.

“I’m livid at the way he’s handling things.”

Naturally. He’s still eating cake. Is it just beginning to dawn on you how this works?

“These past few months I’ve seen a side of him I never knew existed. If I could only tell you the constant number of ways I’ve bent over backwards to try and keep our friendship afloat when you were with him and how I’ve tried pleasing him more recently when we’ve been an item.”

Aria, you knew this side of him existed the minute you learned he had another girlfriend. What you didn’t know was that the pick me dance is rigged. You’re not going to win it because it’s not winnable. Cake must be maintained.

I’m sure the chump really appreciates All You Did for her boyfriend. Seriously, OW — WTF?

“We’re too good for him.”

I love it when OW speak in the royal We. Oh, NOW it’s the universal sisterhood! Now we’re in this together! Now it’s you and me against him!

It’s not that you’re wrong about that — the gum on your shoe is too good for that guy. But you don’t get to speak for the chump and feign sisterhood with her, bitch. You fucked her boyfriend.

I can’t stop thinking about the line in the Great Gatsby when Daisy Buchanan claims she wants her daughter to be a “beautiful little fool.” Well, I hope one day you learn the truth. I would hate for you to be a beautiful little fool.

And the inevitable literary reference. (My OW used to sign her letters as Samuel Clemens. Way to ruin Mark Twain for me.) I’m sure the chump is just frightfully intimidated that you’ve read F. Scott Fitzgerald. God, how could a girl named “Candy” ever compete with such erudition?

Aria — the only fool here is you. Chumps are beautiful souls who got played. You told her your “truth,” now fuck off.

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  • Men — I don’t know any cases of OM who do this crap. It seems to be some gender division on this

    Because it’s a good way to get your ass kicked or worse, though, it probably does happen sometimes (there are a lot of messed up people, so however unlikely it is, I bet it does happen)?

    • PS. A response to the Fitzgerald reference:

      I can’t stop thinking of Virginia Wolf after reading your fake apology and ham fisted Fitzgerald reference.

      “Half the time she did things not simply, not for themselves; but to make people think this or that; perfect idiocy she knew for no one was ever for a second taken in.” – Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway

      Enjoy being an idiot.

      • That’s a great response. And how do you get italic print here? Inquiring mind wants to know….

        Most people who claim to “love” “Gatsby” or “Romeo and Juliet” have never read them…they just do Google quotations. Neither of those texts has a happy ending–Romeo and Juliet being fourteen and carrying their family and civic dysfunction on their shoulders while Daisy and her husband are full-blown narcissists.

        • while Daisy and her husband are full-blown narcissists.

          Gatsby–somewhat autobiographical–was a self-absorbed alcoholic (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald) in real life I think.

          Daisy (Zelda Fitzgerald) wound up institutionalized for schizophrenia, I think.

          The man and his life were a mess. He referred to his life/wife/their relationship as his “material”, I believe.

          • I was never able to muster much positive feeling for F. Scott Fitzgerald or for the long suffering Zelda, though I had some compassion for her since she was mentally “fragile.” They seemed thoroughly selfish, self-absorbed, superficial and shallow. The characters that Fitzgerald created in the Great Gatsby never appeared to me as much romantic as pathetic and empty, attempting to fill the emptiness by consuming things and people. Fairytales and Hollywood have made people believe that “love” is something overwhelming, irresistable, fated and must contain an element or elements of tragedy to be “real.” That’s adolescent drama, not love. People would be better served if they figured out the difference.

            • I felt pretty much the same way about Gatsby, Daisy, and Tom Buchanan. Never could figure out why Nick thought Gatsby was “better than the whole lot of them”. He seemed to be just another coyote with a different color pastel suit on.

              • I have a student who has issues about Nick for that very reason–she says he is an unreliable narrator.

              • I took it as Nick making that comment because even though Gatsby was delusional (what with wanting what he wanted, insisting that Daisy loved him) that Nick saw something in him that was this kind of pure, naive person that thought he could just go for what he wanted, could be the hero, even though his means were sometimes deceptive (not really attending Oxford, being involved in illegal activity). I think Nick as observer thought Gatsby was not a selfish person like the others, but a misguided one.

              • sorry, just keep thinking about this…Gatsby as ultimate Chump? He did it all for her, the money, the parties as huge pick me dance, taking the blame at the end for the accident, all this for a narcissist who in the end took the easy way out and betrayed him.

          • He also nicked a lot of material out of her diaries. I read a very interesting book about Zelda. She wasn’t the flakey drunk she’s been made out to be.

            • I had read that about him stealing her work and just because I love you Nord, I will give Zelda a slight benefit of the doubt. But just slight. 😉

          • I should have finished the thought on that one. Because Romeo and Juliet were children of course they were all passionate and angsty and all consumed with their “love” not caring who (including themselves) would be hurt by it. They weren’t mature enough to see “the big picture”. In my opinion, no very romantic just really sad (their poor parents). Also, not exactly role models for adult relationships. Using them as role models is the same as me, as a parent, thinking I should eat mud because my two year old seemed to like the taste.

        • For italics, use this at the beginning of the text: (except remove the first space I put between the bracket and the i. Then close the italics with this at the end of the text:

          • Well, crap. That didn’t work, did it.

            Try this: Use this at the beginning of the text (Remove the asterisk.)
            Then end the text with this except remove the asterisk.

            You’re tagging the text with these symbols. The forward slash has come to be a symbol for “end” in popular culture, in reference to code writing. I usually see this as “/sarcasm” which is short-hand for “end sarcasm.” That means, everything I said up to this point is sarcasm.

            I’m going to try this with bolding: BOLD!? Where I just used the same tags but with a “b” for bold instead of an “i” for italics.

    • Yep…
      When they are done with your Wife they have to tell someone, it’s not a conquest if they don’t.

      • This. What fun is a conquest if it remains your little secret forever? Especially since as we have discussed infidelity is an act of aggression. The purpose is to hurt you or get back at you or at least to make themselves feel better but putting it over on someone.

        My ex did this. He snuck around for months with another woman. He eventually felt compelled to tell me. Although it didn’t really matter anymore since we weren’t together at this time. What purpose did it serve other than to hurt me? None. Just the same as the affair in the first place. Still hurt just the same though. Yay for me. Blerg.

        Btw, he broke up with her within weeks of telling me. Chumped !!

    • Also, the OW is often trying to steal the married man she’s fucking, while the OM is usually trying to avoid any commitment to the married woman he’s fucking.

      • Good points! Pretty much sums up “Gimme Three Steps” by Lynyrd Skynyrd: possible violence and not wanting a commitment.

      • Nomar
        Boy you said it!! And the poor woman is just lapping up all his bullshit lines unbeknownst to her he’s saying what she wants to hear so he can keep getting his cake until the wife finds out and napalm is dumped on that cake! I do believe affairs are different for men and women.

      • Weirdly enough that is what I was told by my cheater. I was good enough to exploit and useful to his image and goals. The MOW, when she pushed for exclusivity of their true love, was not.

        My Cheater told me that. She was/is a willing freaky fuck. An enabler of “fun” and bar hopping. What a fucker. Yes, I am still being used at this moment because I’m not divorced. He is cut off from me providing him an image though. No more casual get togethers with CEO’s and their wives at dinners, functions, etc.. No more corporate outings with people he and I have both worked with. No more neighborly image management of the perfect dad and husband. I guess this couldn’t be matched with selling Mary Kay cosmetics in Corona CA, swinging and being a general pig.

        • “…I guess this couldn’t be matched with selling Mary Kay cosmetics in Corona CA, swinging and being a general pig…”

          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

          I know whereof you speak.

          • Yes. Google it. She’s on their community business board too. If her community even KNEW what a huge skank she is, I don’t think she’d be considered such a model citizen there AND in her church. She’s a Jesus cheater too. Her spouse is the guy with whom she cheated when he was married to someone else in Maryland. She told him she was leaving him for my asshole. He begged her to stay = karma cheating bus chumpola.

          • ANC-sounds like you are close to my neck of the woods. Should I be looking out for a Miss Piggy driving a pink Mary Kay car?

      • This! It had passed the date he swore to the OW he would move out of our house {marriage}…so she started in with the “I thought you should know…” like she was doing me a favor.

        Now, once I moved out of the false reconciliation fog, I DID use the info she passed along to pad my case. I also used her to get him away from my house when he would randomly stop by to “talk” or “get his stuff”. Aka: stalk me after he got tossed out.

        Last time I ever talked to her she’s still on with the “I needed to learn some lessons and i needed my child”(the one she had with him before he cheated on her too and they divorced) type of cosmic learning crap.

        Oh, so you NEEDED to help shatter my world to learn the lessons you were “supposed” to learn? Please….

        • FeralBlue, oh yeah! OW – my “friend” – was happy to fuck all over my property, my love (well, he WAS, for twenty-one years at that stage) but as soon as he told her that he had fucked up BIG time, and needed their “thing” to end, her response, “she needs to know.” Cue the weak bastard carrying on with her for about another six months (but he couldn’t quite make it to all their hookups, apparently trying to piss the demanding bitch off – such a champ he was, letting her down gently and slowly, basically being an entitled arsehole for a bit longer – note he still fucked her a few more times, lovely getting-out-of-this behaviour, huh?) in order to stop her from telling me, Guess what? When he finally meant it, and she finally got the message, she texted me with all the gory details – I had no idea. She was sooooo helpful, I needed to know, despite the fact that we had made some really positive changes and were doing so well since he had ended it and recommitted to me (do I sound suitably grateful for “winning” the pickme dance I didn’t know I was dancing???) The weak shit didn’t tell me himself, she told me. With all the best of intentions, of course, as he had told her that if she told me, they would DEFINITELY not have a future (oh, so she was back up plan if the re-commitment – gag – to me didn’t work out, fucking brilliant.)

          Don’t get me wrong, I am glad my life is not a lie, and I know what an utter fucktard he is, but there was no fucking way that she was telling me for my own good, she was enacting a Scorched Earth Policy, no question. If she couldn’t have him, I sure wasn’t going to have that glittering prize.

          • Dear horsesrcumin, You can’t leave us in suspense like that! So what happened? What is the rest of your story?

      • My h said she was a married 50 yr old woman blowing her boss, which he viewed as kinda pathetic, but he still went there. She dressed poorly, she was unrefined, but she was dirty. She wanted a suit and what that represented, he wanted a bj with no strings. As soon as there is more than one asshole lying, the whole thing is going to go to hell. And it did.

    • “Men — I don’t know any cases of OM who do this crap. It seems to be some gender division on this ”

      During bogus reconciliation, I told ex that as far as I was concerned, the OW would never be forgiven by God or anyone else, because she had never asked for MY forgiveness. The next day, ex told me that he took that to heart, and promptly called the OW’s husband, but got voicemail and hung up without leaving a message. I don’t know what ex planned on saying, but I have absolutely no doubt it would have been an “apology” wrapped in a gloating, I’m-better-than-you, I-fucked-your-wife glittering layer of turd carefully phrased to hurt the husband as much as possible while seeming heartfelt on the surface.

      I never heard from the OW, and I’m thankful for that now, but I used to fantasize about it quite a bit back at the time.

    • I concur. As far as OM, what and who I don’t know can’t hurt you. But for me to find out who you are and what you’ve been doing might come back to kick you in the ass in a most painful way depending on the circumstances.

      I’m not being hypocritical either. IF (and I never have been) the OM, I would figure pretty much anything that happened to me was something I’d pretty much asked for and bought into.

  • So, that’s an apology? She’s just tired of him going home to her. At least this whorebag tried unsuccessfully to cloak her real motive for informing the chump. My stbx’s slut called me and told me I was stupid for being a SAHM. These slutpigs are all the same. Useless pieces of shit all of them. They’re the same as our cheaters.

  • After finding the OW (21 year old) I send her a message to back off so my husband of 32 years and I could deal with what to do about our marriage. This was the reply:

    I am very glad you reached out to me. I have dreamt of this many a time. I cannot say what is to come of all of this but I’m a firm believer that everything is always exactly as it should be.
    For me to even speak to you about your family is difficult for what can I truly say? This is not my place. I think you and (Asshole’s) relationship is crucial and as the matriarch you’ve done an incredible job of staying strong and keeping the family together.
    In time things will be better but (Asshole’s) relationship with the family, especially kids, is a top priority. I know that my age and the situation may impede a healthy interaction and cause much discomfort among everyone and for that I am truly sorry.
    However, I was saying to him recently that he has realized how much he loves you, how powerful the bond is between you two. That’s a blessing!
    I am, again, very grateful you reached out.

    Ok…stop gagging. Of course he is no longer with her…guess she tired of the old man. Well divorce happened and that’s good. No more a Chump…living life and damn happy without the SOB.

    • “many a time”? “For what can I truly say”?

      What century did this happen in again? Man, talk about weirdness.

    • “I know that my age and the situation may impede a healthy interaction and cause much discomfort among everyone and for that I am truly sorry.”

      I’m assuming that “the situation” is whorespeak for vagina. Little girl trying to play grown up. Blech.

      • WORD SALAD!!

        Here is the Altavagina Translation

        That I dangle my firm young twat at your husband while we violate the Commandments of God and basic decency has rightfully pissed everyone off. I know exactly what I’m doing, but I hope to pop off a couple rosaries and Our Fathers and skip on my merry twat way.

        PS. The street she lives on is Merry Twat Way.

      • my translation of this is

        “i know i am younger and better looking then you. i am super hot and you are not. Of course I fucked your husband knowing that he was married and with children and that has caused problems in your marriage and has hurt you tremendously. and for that i truly do not care because all i care about is my own enjoyment. but i am sorry that you found out and have even had the balls to question me. i could care less about you, your children and your life/feelings. how dare you tell me what to do. it is not MY fault your husband cheated on you with me.

  • One of my ex’s ho-workers was a Jesus cheater. She wrote me a poison e-mail telling me that as a “mighty woman of God”, we were “sisters is spirit”, and that she never intended to steal my husband from me, they just had needs that weren’t getting met at home. (Her husband is a deacon in their church). She went on to gush about how I was a strong and beautiful woman and she was sure, in other circumstances, we’d be great friends. When I told her we had nothing in common, because I was a faithful wife and she was a marriage wrecking whore, the mask came off and she showed her ugliness in detail. She dared me to tell her husband (who would never cheat on her the way mine had done) so I did. I printed the 8 pages of sexting and mandatory genital photo exchanges along with her scathing self-incrimination, and delivered it to her husband in an envelope marked “prayer” request” with a letter to him telling him how sorry I was that we were both being deceived. These scum bags, both the ex’s and the ow’s, love to smear lipstick all over their piggy snouts – and there’s nothing more disgusting than doing it in the name of spiritual enlightenment. I confess that a dark and bleeding place in my heart hoped that her husband would beat the devil out of her…

  • My ex’s OW called to tell me that my ‘husband’ had become a damn good liar, as he had been lying to her as well! No????? Really??? You don’t say!!!!!!

    I promptly agreed with her and told her she also was guilty of the same crime (she was married with three children). Anyone who is cheating is lying. Told her to lose my number! Not interested in listening to anything she had to say as I was quite sure she would be lying to me as well. Got NO TIME for THAT!!!!!

    • Yep, I got this faux sisterhood too, all of a sudden (after he dumped her) the OW started telling people about what a narcissist the ex was, crappy absent dad, etc….before he dumped her he was just the best, I didn’t let him see our son, blah blah blah. I have blocked her every way possible, I have no interest in “friends” like that. Also, I know she’d jump back into bed with my ex the first chance he gave her, and god knows what she’d be willing to say about me for that chance. Gross.

      • The stupid OW is now living with my exH. She knew he was lying to her too (as she declared to me) and yet……she is living with him and wearing a ring he got her too. AND….she is still married!!!!

        Crazy shit!

        • Oh and I’m sure she thinks the sun shines out of that ring, lol. What an idiot. Just get your popcorn ready, it may be a month, it may be 5 years but this will be a hilarious shitshow for you kimmy 🙂

          When my ex dumped OW she started (continued I should say) stalking him, would show up places and start screaming at him, follow him to and get in his car – when he started dating the next sap she started harassing that poor girl…then she got a DUI and started fb posting the harassment. Nonstop entertainment, this one.

  • The ow in my case lives a benevolent life of caring for damaged people as a social worker. Professionally, she’s “good”. Privately, she sucks. (Literally. I mean literally sucks other men). So her h and 4 kids? No concern. Boundaries at work? Fuck em, they apply to others who aren’t special like I am. I tell men what their wives don’t, I’m desirable. Her first husband? Screwed his brother then married him (and created vacancies). Screwed my h’s stepfather, then my h. (Look on h’s face when this fact came out was a keeper). My fucked up h went in knowingly and idiotically. She acts notoriously inappropriately with personal injury lawyers handling her cases. Sent me a note saying she was willing to get me and h together with her and her h for a sit down, because her powers of controlling and fixing damaged things are so awesome. She could explain, twist, sparkle. Uh, no. I let fly in an email to her h about her reputation as the blow job queen of the city. He begged me not to trash her publicly since their income was now crap due to her firing. even though I’ve not signed a non disclosure about her dismissal, it’s safe revenge to have her think I’m a bitch with balls about to destroy her. She’s a damaged npd hillbilly who at over 45 has played her role well and successfully for a long time, organizing charity events in her field and tweeting away about them as she screws over her family. I needed a white board and excel spreadsheet to explain all this in ic. As much as I want to drive the karma bus to her ruin, I have stepped back and watched it happen without me. I hold my h 100% responsible for what he chose to do to me and our kids, ow didn’t commit to me, but her role as benevolent do-gooder was relevant to today’s post. Until her true colours came out to h after the a ended, she was “a good person, Nic, she only helps people”. Ew ew ew. She’s a dirty pillowcase shitting on a large family that relied at least 75% on her now gone salary. So good.

    • WTF?!? And these are the people that others rely on?! the hypocrisy alone is enough to make one sick! It frightens me to know that there are so many deranged people out there-I am so sorry you and yours had to endure this.

      • Yup. There’s no accounting for taste. Her life is falling apart, maybe this karma isn’t for her involvement in my pain, but for other past transgressions. It’s quite an industry of professionals who need to surround themselves with brain damaged people in order to ignore their own personal messes. She is very damaged and disordered, but compared to the tragedies she “helps”, she’s a saviour in cargo pants, who waves her credentials around and makes herself feel invincible by doling out oral sex to city men in suits. I pray I never need a social worker because I’ll always question his/her motives for choosing that career, as well as his/her actual abilities to do anything. No offence to the good ones out there. She left a toxic slime in my life.

        • nic, I hear you on this one. I have nothing against social workers and am sure that many are quite wonderful, caring people. But the tramp is a social worker at an agency serving disabled youth which is hypocrisy to the nth degree. I have been told that I would like her “under different circumstances” by Captain Douchebag and that she is a caring, compassionate person. So caring and compassionate, apparently, that she endorses my STBXH’s virtual abandonment of our disabled child. The tramp (or slutpig as I think I will now refer to her) dotes on a man who walked away from one child and puts slutpig’s convenience and need for his continual attention over that of his ‘normal’ child. If that’s the kind of caring, compassionate person who chooses to work with vulnerable populations, well, that’s kind of sickening. She remains a toxic slime our lives.

          Good luck with detox!

        • LOL! “Savior in cargo pants”
          And “Needed a white board & excel spread sheet to explain all this in ic.” Both visuals too funny!

    • I think our OWs may be related…mine was brilliant and delivered “the letter” by proxy. read on for why and how …

      While still married and ending an affair with “Joe” to start with my X, OW told Joe re: her long-suffering wait for my X to leave me. So who finally told me about the affair? And all the horrible, degrading lies my X said to OW to justify their affair? Yep, Joe!! At a friend’s Christmas party!!

      Our family was demolished when Dday bomb exploded. But, get this, before OW won the PM dance, she sent a text to my X, when my college daughter was withdrawing from school because this shattered her world:
      “Everyone only sees the destruction now but once they see our love everything will be OK.”

      Love and destruction are not great relationship starters in my chumpy heart and mind.

      OW’s shit continues. She met X’s family recently and said she fully expects to have a great relationship with my daughters. What is THAT??

      Whatever it is, I don’t want any.

      Chump Nation reminds me I am sane. Thank you fellow chumps. Bless you.

      • “OW’s shit continues. She met X’s family recently and said she fully expects to have a great relationship with my daughters. What is THAT??”
        —> ENTITLEMENT

        • Yes there’s that…mixed in with DELUSION and spoked with evil.

          I actually like the fact that i still cannot understand the mind of adulterers. AND that i am learning how to say Meh more often for myself. But when they try to feed shit sandwiches to my daughters. No meh there. No chump either. I am momma bear grrrrrrrr.

          • Haha meant *spiked* with evil. But ‘spoke’ is close to spooky, (which she is) and it is also getting close to Halloween…

  • Ah, but Chump Lady! Purportedly my X did exactly that (that’s what he told me, but we all know how reliable that source is.) His much younger AP was also married, and he went to her husband with her (!) to apologize for the affair – and to pack all of her shit so they could move in together. God only knows what the reality of the situation was, maybe he was really packing her shit while her husband was screaming for them to GTFO.

    I find the OW in that letter quoting The Great Gatsby to be very appropriate, I all of those characters are Narc Asshole Cheaters. Of course she relates to them!

    • Or, you know, who knows? Maybe her husband was THRILLED to be rid of this whore he’d mistakenly married. Maybe he was helping her pack! “No returns, no refunds!!” he gleefully shrieked.

      It could happen.

  • They were the closest of friends for nine months and yet she was taken completely by surprise that he had a girlfriend? Uh huh… But then again what can you expect from someone whose “about me” line lists wine and JCrew (really??) before spending time with HER family and friends (and anyone else’s she can steal). Pathetic.

    • …parasites…. Feed off the host and give nothing back-simply because they can. My STBX left our home because he became pretty close to being physically abusive to me. He moved in with his friend, (Ken) and Ken’s GF. (GF is 22 years younger than h and h’s friend. She thinks she has a good thing-doesnt work, drives nice vehicles, and goes out with her friends every night. Tells me that she “takes good care of Ken, every night”) GF took a liking to my husband, and I know he perved on her. After a night of the 3 of them drinking, she decided she should leave her boyfriend, Ken (my husbands benevolent friend who took him in) in their bed, and travel to my husband’s room….where they showed one another how much they liked each other…Parasites….

  • Wow…there are no bounds to the toxic stew these creatures emerge from…yuk. My STBX’s most recent OW, (who also happens to be his best friend’s GF) sent me text messages about their encounter. She was all too happy to tell me how I was not good enough for him, and how much he enjoyed their time together. Evil-At least Candy got some cheap plastic benevolence. My colloquy with most recent OW was heavy, sticky-still trying to scrub it off my soul-ugh. Are there any chumps in South East Houston-Fort Bend County (TX)? I am wondering if I should create a MeetUp group, or something (meetup.com) CL…what do you think about this? Is this ok? What would I call it, so not to attract angry STBX’s and bitter AP’s? The people (chump nation) here are the most amazing and mighty-I draw courage from y’all every day. Y’all have helped me ‘examine what I tolerate’, and have given me a renewed sense of trust-when nothing looked like it was suppose to, and I didn’t know who to believe-when my own narrative was a ‘lie’-I knew I was not alone and that it was possible to change. I am still so amazed that there are so many of us out there-we should meet, and go through this together.

    • Bliss Menagerie, I’ve started a “Leave a Cheater — Gain a Life” Meetup in Eugene, Oregon. It was slow to gain members, but we’re up to five now (Two men, three women). We meet every other week and so far I’m liking it very much. Not sure how it will evolve but it is nice to talk about these things in person. (I made sure to promote Tracy’s website and book and to clearly state that we were not affiliated with her book or website, but use them for tools for healing.) I say go for it.

    • Interesting how well Tracy’s site works and the camaraderie it engenders. Although being involved for only a relatively short time, I feel that I belong.

  • Not surprised a superficial and vapid OW would allude to Fitzgerald, author of the most overrated novel in the English language. The book Joshua Rothman accurately described in the *The New Yorker* as “lurid, shallow, glamorous, trashy, tasteless, seductive, sentimental, aloof, and artificial.” Fits an OW about right, don’t you think?

    At least the OW that CL had to deal with picked a great author in Clemens. Though the I think idiots like these OW might prompt Twain to repeat his aphorism, “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools in the world, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”

    • Nomar
      LOL thank you for saying that about Gatsby! I hated Gatsby when I had to read it in high school. I hate the Gatsby movie with Robert Redford in the 70’s. I tried to watch the most recent one with Leonardo to see if maybe my taste had finally evolved to appreciate it. Freaking hated it!!! That book and movie is narcissism exemplified. Heck I was smart enough in high school to see that. Thanks for validating that I’m not some ignorant, no taste hillbilly:)

      • I think in lots of ways it’s a takedown of narcissism and cheating, but most people read too literally to see that–the enthusiasts love the costumes and the “romance,” which is strange to me, since Gatsby is a hologram and Tom and Daisy are highly destructive narcissists. And the book is not right for high school or even early college. It’s not one of my favorites, but the view of how people create false selves or live like emotional vampires, creating drama and debris wherever they go, is not all that far removed from what chumps experience.

        • I agree. Was surprised once hearing it talked about as a love story. The way the recent movie portrayed it was off since it seemed to glorify and romanticize Gatsby when the book is a commentary on how messed up the characters and the world they live in are (except the narrator).

        • I never could get into Fitzgerald either.

          His stuff–the stuff I have read anyway– just had a vacant, depressing weird fakeness feel about it all the time. And don’t get me started on that self-absorbed, faked intimacy (without actually really telling you anything about what was really going on in his own life) collection of essays, “The Crack Up”.

          Tried to like it. Didn’t.

      • Hey, I love that book! Gets my vote for some of the best opening and closing lines in American literature. And as a character study of disordered people, I’ve certainly found it very resonant post-D-day. But, to each his/her own. 🙂

    • Wait.. is this a “thing” with the OW always quoting literature? My exH’s OW LOVED/S e.e.cummings. So much that exh got the prevalent word in one of his poems tattooed over his junk. (False reconciliation was full of surprises…..gag)

      Which makes me wonder how he explained the word “Yes” over his junk to Owife #3…. LOL

      • Wasn’t it Joyce who was famous for “yes”?

        “I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

        That said. What a splendid word to have tattooed over your penis. I guess “We serve all customers!” was a bit too long.

          • OK – Joyce is hard, hard work – you really need to hear it spoken by someone who knows how to speak it, but it ‘wrecked my head’ when I tried to read Ullysses 😀

            However, I just love this piece of quoted prose. Kate Bush did her own version of it when the Joyce estate wouldn’t allow her to use it for ‘Sensual World’. Her version is very close to the original, and beautiful. I’m torn between which version I prefer now! 🙂

        • Ah, perhaps it wasn’t an e.e.Cummings poem then. I never looked into it. I just assumed it was since she was obsessed with it at the time.

          But yes, lovely thing to have tattooed over your junk. Even better *bleh* to find during false rec.

  • My Cheater’s whore told me, “You have your daughter to think of!” Not sure why, she certainly wasn’t concerned about breaking up a family by dating a married man. and neither was he. Sluts, both of them.

      • “My Cheater’s whore told me, ‘You have your daughter to think of!'”

        Of course, the proper response would have been, “And you have your diseased and haggard public fuck hole to think of!”

        • So true, nomar, lol. Too bad I didn’t know at that time that she used to be a prostitute. Oh, I’m sorry, Call Girl. Cheaters know how to pick em , don’t they??

          • I’m not sure why Cheater offered the prostitutes tidbit of information, but I’m sure glad he did. She confessed to her pilot fiancee who promptly dumped her. She told my husband, then reconsidered, cause she said later she didn’t say it or lied or something. Her BIG secret, and he tells me. This chick cracks me up, like a real life episode of Jerry Springer, only stupider, lol.

  • This past summer the OWife told my daughter that she wished she could talk to me, to “explain” things.
    Really? Not much to explain…. You were married, he was married. You’re both lying cheaters.

    OW did actually attempt to contact me during false reconciliation. I ignored the video chat request as I did not recognize the email address. I told exH about it later, after I tracked her down as someone in his office…bet he was sweating bullets. I remained clueless. We were in marriage counseling (no confession of OWomen)… Could not fathom that he would lie.

    Also, this past summer, xH told daughter (in a roundabout way) how I am being judgmental/unreasonable by refusing to meet OWife.
    I do not know her, since I have never met her.
    Uh-huh. Again: she was married, he was married; I actually know a lot about her.

    • zxy321…what did/do you say to your daughter when your xH says these things to her? how old is she?

      this is the next part of this i am trying to find my way through. thanks.

      • Daughter is 13; was 11 almost 12 when the kids learned we were divorcing. Kids did not find there was cheating for another year.
        I keep it quiet, and regret that.

        This most recent time, daughter apparently just listened and “took it.”
        She was very angry when she returned (had spent 5 weeks away this summer). After exH sent a letter reiterating many of the points, she has gone No Contact with her father. Said she was tired hearing the same old things without any responsibility.

        She is in rough shape emotionally, and we are looking for a new therapist.

  • OK, so when I found out my Ex was seeing (yet) another MOW during our divorce (and claiming he’d never find another partner because I was “bleeding him dry” wahh wahh)… well. I decided I would write to her and let her know he was a cheating Narc (mistake!!).

    Mind you this particular MOW was a former college GF… poor guy has very little imagination!

    She wrote back … and said, no kidding, I was damaging my daughter (used daughter’s name, WTF??,) and I should chill out. When she got her terrible disease she got all zen with it, and gee you know cheating is *just the same*. NOT.

    Bonus points, this woman was (a) married–still is, while my Ex lives with/mooches off of her (good for them 🙂 ) and (b) she’s never been a parent, or mothered a child. How the fuck would she know the first thing about mothering?? I just suggested a clue: that lying and cheating were a sure fire way to alienate, humiliate and anger grown children.

    Then I blocked and cut off all contact. Idiots.

    My take away–contact with these fools is never a good idea. Just Don’t Do It. Kind of like the old “don’t wrestle with a pig, you just get dirty, and the pig likes it,” sort of thing…

    • Yes–
      It only reinforces in the OP’s tiny little weeeeny, tiny reptilian brain that they are important to you. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

      Ohhh, my….

      I never did contact the OW (to my knowledge, who knows what sort of sick games he and she played when I was in the dark). But I wish I’d known then what I know now, and that is that she did me a huge favor by lifting that flop off my hands and out of my life. I’ll never thank nor forgive either of them for hobbling my children, nor for shattering my heart and soul into a thousand pieces. But in truth, they deserve each other. And I wish I’d have just realized I’d personally won the lottery when he dropped that bomb. I wish I’d have brushed my hands and said, “Well, off you go, then.” No, “Have a nice life,” no, “It was nice knowing you and having three kids and two mortgages and friends and memories with you,” but just, “Ok–buh-bye.” And then a huge sigh of relief that one door slammed shut as another door opened, letting in the light.

  • I understand the anger against the OW, but sooner or later maintaining the anger will burn you out. Unfortunately, some women become OW because they were lied to from the very beginning — and then they think they are “Special” and “Soul mates” and all that crappy stuff, because the Schmoopie has “told them” that his marriage/relationship has been over for a long time and he is so glad he found her, and blah, blah, blah. The truly unfortunate thing is that ANY of us believe them when they tell us that stuff.
    Sometimes I can write off some behaviors because the OW is young and truly stupid. Sometimes I think some must have led truly sheltered lives. I know that as a grown woman and a long time wife, I had no idea about some of the idiocy that is available on the internet dating and porn sites, and when I discovered them I was actually shocked. I felt very naive for never even imagining some of the stuff that goes on! I thought because I was a grown woman with a decent education and a slightly liberal bent I had at least been exposed to a wide variety of concepts — but I have to say that much of what appears on the news still shocks me. I don’t understand how people have time for so much nonsense when they are supposed to be working for a living and taking care of children, and maintaining their homes and health? There are not enough hours in my day, and my children are grown!
    At any rate, for these personality disordered cheating, lying SOB’s, there is never any happily ever after. The OW may delude herself that you are somehow unworthy of Schmoopie and she in her wonderfulness will keep him eternally happy and they will live out that fairy tale ending — but soon he will tire of her, too. If they are both cheaters and liars, it will be a race to the finish line, because she probably has many nasty personality problems that she is sweeping under the rug until the “deal” is consummated, too. These types will NEVER be happy or content, we only make ourselves miserable when we compare them to ourselves, and prolong our agony. If you work thru the anger, and use it to motivate you toward change, it can be a good thing. Sooner or later you have to let it go, and get to meh, or you will harm yourself.
    One more thing — the karma thing does eventually get the particularly nasty ones. My OW believed Schmoopie when he told her he wasn’t having his “needs” met, that I was cold and had a low sex drive. Of course this was ridiculous, but he used this to get her all worked up to do a truly slutty version of the pick me dance which included photos and movies. He used these to post on porn sites, and someone actually recognized her — copied the pictures and sent them to her ex-husband and daughters. She was also an active church going woman — I am sure her daughters shared some of the pictures with members of the church and community. It caused a rift in her relationship with her daughters and a great deal of embarrassment for her. She expected me to feel sorry for her! I told her she should never have allowed the pictures and films in the first place, and wondered how she could be truly surprised, when she knew how much porn he viewed daily? He had hidden all this from me, but when he brought up his kinks I turned him down. I saw no need for pictures, etc. She ACCEPTED all this, and thought she was a real sexy and understanding woman. Somehow her daughters and others who saw the pictures did not share her view of her poses that same way she and Schmoopie did. I could not summon any empathy for her on this issue, even though I did actually learn to feel sorry for her about some other treatment she endured.

    Any information you learn from the OW will certainly give you something to think about! It may not be what you would like to know, but ultimately it will give you information about Schmoopie that should help you to get over any misconceptions you had about him and how “special” your love was. It could possibly help you heal. It made me realize that I lived in a world that was far more deranged and dangerous than I had ever imagined.
    Take care of yourself. Remember — if you ever believed anything just because Schmoopie said so, you have been fooled, too. The OW may not be so different from any other woman — there but for the grace of God sort of thing. She is not your problem — getting Schmoopie out of your life and reducing the needless drama in your life is your problem. Even if the OW were to suddenly change her wicked ways and go away, Schmoopie has done and said some things that should change the way you look at him forever. That is what you need to focus on.

    • Gah. On the issue of home movies. My husband talked me into one and I never wanted to see it, of course. I’ve asked him to destroy it now and he says he has. Hah! I’m not that naive anymore. And I sure wish I hadn’t done that.

      • You aren’t alone. I made my video and pics the night b4 I found out about the love child – 1 month before I found out about the plethora of others. Ergh. Fun convo with my mum not to open video attachments after we broke up. After 15 years I actually trusted him. I’m a dumb ass.

  • Oh how I only WISH the OW would have the balls or nerve to send me a letter. She sent one email after the affair ended with “WTF” in the subject line and nothing else . I got to respond, heh heh heh. Scared the shit right out of her and never heard from her again. She figured out she was no match for me on any level. Tucked that tail right between her legs and ran off like a good little cockroach 🙂

    I blame him 100% but he wasn’t masturbating!! She played her role well. I’d love to have a chance to really give it to her! No way I’d have let that one go.

  • Right cl, not too many OM do this, however in my case and i know some others, cheatzilla introduced me to a few of the OM, at the time didnt realize what was happening of course, and thats even a different level of mindfuck looking back on it. Its not bad enough she was a sick twisted pervert fucking around but to try to force me to either be buddies with these assholes or to go off and fight them like a high schooler is just sick beyond sick. Rotting in hell might not be enough for her.

    • Yes, that’s a whole other mindfuck. Making your chump hang out with the AP, or use the chump for services. (My husband did free legal work for one of the OM unknowingly, you know, as a favor to his then wife.) It must be super kibbles.

        • I’m hurt for you on that count. That’s lumped in there with (x)spouses taking APs to destinations/hotels/restaurants that they went to with us, which I am beginning to see is another f*** you from them to faithful spouses.

      • ONE of mine was a co worker that I knew. I was always encouraged to be buddies with her at functions. I could never understand why she would never look me in the eye. Jeez.

        • The ow came to a family funeral and other in-law family events where me and my children were. I was introduced to the ugly little weasel and she had hate in her eyes as she said hello. It’s gross, I feel like I was paraded around like a show horse – 3 well dressed, mannered kids, and of course I had been buffed and shined – get your hair done Nic, pamper yourself. He knew we would be there looking perfect, and it’s like he wanted her to see his perfect family since she insisted on attending. Very strange moment for me, but I didn’t know why at the time. I remember thinking she was a sloppy mouth breathing dishrag. She stared at me nonstop. I will never attend another in law function as a result, so win for me.

    • Oh man I got this, she was fucking our neighbor (of course I did not know) but anytime we had a party or friends over he was their. I think they got off on the power more than anything…So here I am living in the same house after kicking her out, forced to see him on occasion mowing the lawn or something, but he can’t even look at me and turns his head and walks inside anytime I am out with my kids…He doesn’t want to confront me at all.

    • X’s bimbo showed up at my in-laws wakes and funerals. She lurked in the background, and chump that I was, I went over to her to say thanks for coming. I had no idea she was already picking out new furniture for my house.

      She (and X helped) wrote a letter to me asking me to stop the pain of the divorce “for the children,” telling me she’s “no stranger to the pains of divorce.”

      I realize now she’s a just big, desperate dumbass who made a deal with the devil. Fuck her and the loser she took off my hands. I AM FREE! 🙂

  • Jesus cheater OW gave my youngest son a prayer journal last week while he was with his dad. She sweetly included a note saying she was praying for his “walk with the Lord” and she hoped he would use the journal to “write down his thoughts about Jesus” and that “your dad and I are praying for you.” I threw the note away when younger son was out of the room – but what do I do with the journal? Trash? Ritual burning? Exorcism? I am just disgusted by this and thankful that my personal faith is still intact after two years of dealing with this kind of crap from two people who think that the 10 commandments only apply to other Christians – they are too special for those kinds of limitations on their “faith.”

      • Yes…so very special. Thankfully I have reached a level of “meh” where I can chuckle about it, but I wish their hypocritical crap was directed at me rather than my 13 year old. Nothing messes with a young teens head like spiritual advice from the woman who was instrumental in destroying your family.

    • “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

      ― Mahatma Gandhi

      Jesus has a PR problem with these people.

      I guess Church is for sinners the same way hospitals are for terminal TB cases. Not somewhere healthy people go.

      My son got some of this proselytizing too. I just let it be, knowing that nothing inflames a youth more than that level of personal hypocrisy. He’s 19 now and mostly just rolls his eyes at the programmed bullshit that come out of their mouths.

    • Ah Yes! The supercilious, self-righteous, God wanted me to have your husband (or wife) Jesus cheater. Somehow, for some reason (perhaps because I just didn’t appreciate the gift of him enough) the minister OW in my case has professed that “their love” was ordered by the Most High. She always wanted my STBX but God knew she needed to wait until the right time for her to have him (when my kids were grown and they wouldn’t be burdened with the children or child support – otherwise, she would have had him lo’ those many years ago when she came sniffing and vamping around). Her much improved and current monied lifestyle has nothing to do with her appeal, I’m sure.

      She has not so much tried to confront me (although she has been looking for an opportunity to have me see them together to do the na-na-ne-na-na dance) as she has attempted to undermine and replace and erase me – not just with him, but with his family and my children. How very humble, noble and Christian-like.

      I don’t know who is more disordered – him or her and, really, what difference does it make. They’re both selfish, self-absorbed, navel-gazing with no self-awareness POS’s. Nobody needs that shit in their life – most of all this Chump.

        • Oh how I would love to do that, but it would just make them feel even more special. My ex is convinced that I spend my days pining away for him while he reaches a state of spiritual enlightenment with his OW as they spend their weekends going to church retreats and sitting front and center in the pew together. Our teen boys are irritated by his insistence on cramming his relationship with her down their throats despite their request that she not be there every minute of their (limited) time together (I have full custody of younger son – older son is 18 – ex did not request or want custody or visitation…another feather in his “christian dad of the year” cap). It’s just so frustrating, but I am learning to let it go.

          • “…while he reaches a state of spiritual enlightenment with his OW as they spend their weekends going to church retreats and sitting front and center in the pew together.”

            Hypocrite, thy name is Nicole’s Cheater and his rancid OW. Do any of these Jesus Cheaters even have a passing relationship with what’s in the bible? You’re two CHEATERS for Jimminy Cricket’s sake!! Does it ever register that the bible and Jesus Christ himself said that ADULTERY is a sin?

            My mind boggles at the distortion going on in their heads that it takes to do this. Unfrickingbelievable. I’m surprised that the pew has not spontaneously combusted.

    • I’m guessing if your son is like most teenage boys, he’s not much into journaling, faith-based or otherwise. It’s probably going to sit around unused, anyway. Let visiting kids use it as a doodle notebook, or tear out the pages, use as shopping lists, to-do lists, etc.

  • Just the fact that you are a willing participant in fucking a married person means you will always be persona non grata to me. My ex’s OW (now Owife) gave him the ultimatum to disclose to me their affair –either way he knew our marriage was over :)–or else she would. Yeah, that’s how much he loved her. She can have her third married “man” what losers they both are! A guy who’d sooner fuck over his whole family and life is someone I absolutely don’t want in mine. Good riddance!

    • Good point!! i dont care if she is “good” person. Their definition of good is a lot different then my definition of good. i believe a good person does NOT fuck a man who is married. it doesnt matter if he “thinks” his marriage is over or is just complaining that his marriage is not going well. if he is married then he is OFF LIMITS!! a good person does NOT fuck another woman while he is married either. he does NOT just forget his responsiblities. he does NOT walk away from his children and stop paying child support. he does NOT gaslight, blame, lie, stone wall , project to his loving spouse who is just trying to do the right thing and make the marriage work.

      but hell….. as long as they are happy. right.

  • The MOW in my former situation didn’t send me a letter or email; she just pinned stuff about her true love for Jackass on her Pinterest board. Then when things went south after I caught them, the pins took a sad turn for months. Now she is dealing with her sibling’s death last year and evidently perhaps another family member is seriously sick and she is posting stuff about how you aren’t being punished for your sins…I would almost feel sorry for her if I didn’t think about how she was complicit in devastating me, and how she chumped her husband, who seems to love her. In her case, I think it’s just easy to avoid suffering over the losses in life by falling in love with a Schmoopie. For a long time, I wanted her to suffer like I suffered, to realize what she did and what a total tasteless, selfish skank she is. Now I realize it is punishment enough to have her life. How does she look at her husband and know that she was ready to toss him like a used kleenex? How does someone who uses people to manage uncomfortable emotions every have a genuine life? Once great thing we learn as chumps is that we have to walk through the fire and experience our pains and losses in order to get that awesome, resilient, strong life.

    And of course, if she were in a pick-me dance, she would say, “Pick meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” given her fondness for extra letters….

    • “How does someone who uses people to manage uncomfortable emotions every have a genuine life? Once great thing we learn as chumps is that we have to walk through the fire and experience our pains and losses in order to get that awesome, resilient, strong life.”

      I have a few gems from my x’s ow. But this is what it all comes down to in my mind. He’s not who I thought he was. She is someone who is just a cheap reflection of his current issues. So even though I was incredibly shocked and played, I still came out on top. I’m doing the work toward a more genuine life. He’s on to dating the same level of women as he was years ago, and his first ow (the first dday for x and me) is long gone.

  • Long story short: I started to become suspicious something ‘inappropriate’ was going on when OW gave ‘The Great I Am’ a CD for his birthday. I confronted shithead but was never convinced by his glib, ‘we’re just friends’, ‘it’s just office banter’. I’m not the jealous type at all, but there was something just not sitting right with what he was saying to me. Still, I believed the worst case scenario was that they were flirting (ha, what a ruddy fool I was). Anyway, at one point ‘The Great I Am’ said OW wanted to meet me to ‘set my mind to rest’ (OMG), so I said, ‘Sure, I’d love to meet her and I’ll tell her how totally inappropriate it is to give another woman’s husband gifts’. Funnily enough, that meeting never did materialise!

    BTW, on D Day, I rang OW (yeah, yeah uncool – I know) and called her a whore. She sent text message to ‘The Great I Am’ telling him to stop me bothering her or she was going to send her boyfriend around to sort me out!!! ‘The Great I Am’ replied ‘I don’t think Jayne will contact you again, but if she does, call the police’!
    OMG!

    If I’d have ever shown him a side to me that warranted police intervention, fair enough but, I was ever super-understanding, compassionful, kind to everyone in thought and deed, never so much as got a speeding ticket!

    • That’s infuriating, isn’t it? According to everyone else, I’m a nice person, but sometimes a bit of a doormat. But point their misdeeds out or dare to express an angry feeling (or call someone a whore!) about it all, and suddenly the police are needed because you are so difficult and unhinged. The world must always and forever revolved around their perfection and happiness.

      • Infuriating doesn’t come close! It was one more stab-in-the-back, totally unexpected betrayal. He tried to tell me he was ‘protecting me’ as his excuse for telling her to call the police. I’d sneaked a look at his phone to find this text from her (I’d never looked at his phone up until D Day, considering it a gross invasion of privacy, once I discovered the phone records that showed his 18 month daily, continuous contact with her, you bet I didn’t give a shit about invading his privacy – I was much more concerned with uncovering lies – still took me 2 years to get him to finally admit it was a full on affair and not ‘just friends – how dare I accuse him of breaking his vows’). I told him that if her boyfriend turned up at the door I’d show him the telephone records and – get this – ‘The Great I Am’ said ‘how could you do something so cruel to someone else’!!!!!

        • Of course, in my mind his reply to her ‘get Jayne off my back’ text, should of been ‘don’t you ever threaten my wife again’.

        • Think of that phrase–“How dare you accuse me…” because it’s not a denial. It’s a statement that you are inferior and should not dare to question or accuse “The Great I Am” or the Wizard of Oz or the Jackass.

            • No, I was just fooling around with CL’s “not a warrior princess” remark the other day and when I put in my name, that one autofilled. Since the site change, I have to fill in name and email for every post. And autofill can be a deadly enemy–almost put in my full name the other day. 🙂 But thanks for asking. My secret identity as a “warrior princess” goes back some years at my work to days when we were fighting for survival and some heads had to roll–my peeps would tell me I needed to go into Warrior Princess mode.

      • Done Now, it is infuriating. I spent 20 years being the super-sweet doormat and lie-believer. Then found out my husband was cheating. Didn’t keep being super-sweet to him but decided to take the high road and go no contact as much as possible. There was one thing, however, that pushed me over the edge…the whore drove my husband home from an evening out when we were still having to live in the same house. High road be damned…there was no reason for that whore to ever come to my home where my kids and I live to rub our faces on it. I went outside and told her exactly what I thought of her and told her to never come back. My stbx had NEVER seen me angry nor heard my voice that loud ever before because I was always trying to keep the peace with this sick POS! But the next day when I could access their text messages to each other, he told her how crazy I was and that he feared for his life…thought I’d beat him to death with a baseball bat in his sleep!! WTF??? I (finally, after years of abuse) get angry and stand up for myself and now I’m psycho? And yes, the threat of calling the police on me and having me arrested, or committed or something…just crazy!

        • I could have posted a very similar story. My mantra was always, “take the high road.” Then they posted something on Facebook while we were still married, and I decided no more high road. I still confronted in the nicest possible way when I responded to the picture she’d posted. “It doesn’t look like she’s just a friend who’s relationship status is actually about someone else. I think you have been lying, possibly to both of us about what’s going on.” You should have seen how he responded to that. “HOW DARE I..” and so on. I know he’s told people that he’s afraid of me, and once told me and probably others that he could sue me for emotional cruelty. I kid you not!

          • Tao Te Ching in The Art of War “better to be feared than loved.” It’s war. I wear the crazy moniker better to be feared, than whore. Scared my ass. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it! You aren’t crazy you’re pissed. He’s too stupid to know the difference. Makes HIM look like the victim then he’s justified in his piss poor behavior. Keep being the feared bad ass I say:)

            • Thanks TC-I got similar advice from my lawyer yesterday about making him comply with our divorce agreements. Go in guns blazing instead of trying to tackle issues one at a time so I don’t piss him off. I think she’s going to scare him to death.

              • You can always back down a little but don’t go in there hat in hand. Guns blazing is the correct attitude. Good Luck to you.

          • “How dare I” is a statement coming from his entitlement/superiority position, trying to force you back into the inferior, obedient position. Glad you dared. That’s Mighty!

        • This is why I’m fortunate I’ve never met the OW’s in my life in the past – just simply because it would probably get to the point where I’d be dragging the bitch by her hair off my property – that words would just be kibbles to the skank.
          I can 100% understand why people murder others in rage after this shit happens, though. Thing is, death is too good for them, and ends their suffering that they rightfully deserve for destroying an innocent family/their fuckbuddy’s spouse.

        • My stbx is a cop he told me if I ever called the police on him he had about 10 minutes before they got there and he would use those minutes on me…..lovely isn’t it.

    • Jayne,
      Your first paragraph was way too familiar. It never ceases to amaze me how similar all cheaters playbooks are.

      • Gawd – have you been through that too Kira? Nightmare! ‘The Great I Am’ didn’t tell me at first it was from OW and he just brought it into the house along with a birthday card from her, and proudly displayed the card up with the rest of them! It was a very complicated way – (too convoluted to go into here) that got me eyeing both CD and card suspiciously, but right up to the moment of suspicion I was under the total delusion that we were the happiest couple on the planet, in the happiest marriage -ever – in the history of happy marriages!

        So sorry you went through this crap too.

        • OMG, yes on the proud display too! And me too with the delusion of us being perfectly happy up until the moment of suspicion. Sorry you went through all of that too! They are both completely disgusting people.

          Oh, and when I found out who it was from and asked why he thought it was appropriate for a married co-worker to give him gifts, he said that I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was a man.

          First of all, no, it still isn’t appropriate and now we all know why! And yes, if he had gotten a card/gift from a male coworker that he proudly displayed/talked about, I would have been upset – he threw a royal shit fit every time I tried to buy him a present/take him to dinner/make him a cake because he “didn’t like birthdays.”

          • Mine read a card to the kids and I at the breakfast table and then stuck it, and her photo up on the fridge. “She’s just a friend, isn’t she sweet?” So sick.

          • OMG Kira – I’m freaked out! We were married to the same man, I’m sure! He was always really hard to buy gifts for, never liked anything I gave him (bar a watch, which he lost) and I was constantly trying to find something he’d be happy with. The CD from OW was one I had planned to get him until he announced to me that ‘the girls from work are getting me it’ turns out the ‘girls from work’ just gave him the money, that’s what started me being suspicious. He also ‘didn’t like birthdays’ and ACCUSED me of being some sort of freak for liking them! (This was only after he’d ruined birthday number 3 for me by being a complete nasty bastard to me). Gawd Kira your nightmare shithead wasn’t called Pete was he?

            • Mine definitely isn’t called Pete… But he got a large braided ficus plant ‘from the guys at the office’, that we as a family got a nice pot for, even though the nineties called to ask their hideous twisted stems back.

              Due to serious trickle truth, we were months into false reconciliation before I identified the plant as coming from OW.

              I should have kicked him out at the moment he said he couldn’t just throw the thing out, that would hurt her feelings… There were so many red flags I ignored, could have held a Maoist parade.

              • Oh Dutch-Chump, that’s just horrible. Why must they do this sort of thing? And add to it that extra knife-twist where he cites her feelings! That he’d invaded YOUR space with her love token, dreadful enough, but then to blatantly dismiss your feelings over hers! I really hope you smashed that bloody pot into a million pieces. I broke up the CD and threw it out with the rubbish. No way was I having that in my home.

                Haven’t heard from you for a while, so hoping you are keeping well now and shithead is now long gone into Narc hell somewhere else.

                Hugs

                Jayne x

              • @Jayne, thanks, you get it! I plotted many ficuscide plans, but in my chumpdom took the high road and let him have the wretched thing.

    • This is where you say ‘Bring it fucking on, you whore.’
      Like Moving Liquid beneath said – its not against the law to call someone a whore, especially given its the truth in this skank’s case.

    • Just to add to my shock, on DDay when I was wandering around the house trying to understand whose unrecognizable life I was standing in, having been wakened early for sex, followed by a medical emergency he had, involving calling the ambulance, and the local police who accompany them automatically, rushing off to hospital, freaking out because I think I’m losing him (irony), spending hours praying and fussing over him, searching for warm blankets, nurses, etc, and waiting while my heart pounds to find out what is wrong…..no coffee or breakfast or lunch….not enough sleep….I search his phone for his son’s number, which I had lost with my new phone….I was shocked to find the sordid, sexy texts that went back months between him and OW.
      I cry in the bathroom while my reality explodes, and then suck it up and spend the next four hours waiting for him to be released to go home, still, you know, finding the warmed blankets and the nurses and all that….as if in a very, very, very bad dream.
      Oh, and BTW, I had never looked in his phone for any reason. My finger was shaking so hard because of my stress that I hit the wrong icon on the screen. Instead of Contacts I got Texts….and he had always claimed he didn’t really ever use that feature. So there they were, hundreds of them.

      Anyway, after we got home and I gently (!) confronted him, he went ballistic. At one point, I was drinking a plastic cup of water, and I went to toss it in the sink, but misjudged, partly because of my trauma and partly because I have bad depth perception under the best of circumstances.

      He took that to be a signal that I was about to rampage and damage his house. Me! The gentle woman who tries to understand absolutely everyone, and who always spackled the Hell out of his bullshit angry episodes (I bet his blood sugar is high…he’s so stressed over whatever….something must be bothering him because this incident is way out of proportion.)
      I don’t break things – I mend them. I don’t destroy – I heal. He had never seen me rampage for any reason.

      And so I found myself standing below him on the stairs, as he held his phone and told me he was calling the cops on me! WHAT?
      He wasn’t going to let me tear his house up….And he stood there for the next I don’t know, it felt like eternity, threatening to call back the very same fellows who had been in that room hours before, responding to our emergency, trying to reassure me that he was going to be fine.

      SHAME ON THESE ASSHOLES!

  • I don’t know a thing about my husband’s affair partner(s) and I’m trying really hard to keep it that way. He’s eight years younger than I am and all his friends were about 30 years old, so likely she’s about half my age. My ego can’t take any more.

    But I wrote a missive called “To The Woman Who Stole My Husband’s Affections” and gave it to my husband to give to her. Of course he didn’t. He probably didn’t even read it himself! Just one more foolish thing this chump did to try to convey the level of betrayal and hurt I felt.

    Now, at about a year since d-day my husband shrugs and says, “These things happen.” As though we were just pals without a real commitment to one another.

    There simply isn’t a way to get through to the cheater or their affair partner, period. We must look inward at ourselves and move on from there.

    • ‘Now, at about a year since d-day my husband shrugs and says, “These things happen.” As though we were just pals without a real commitment to one another.

      Uh – huh? Oh God, let the Karma bus come rolling right over him and give you the opportunity to say ‘these things happen’.

      I once said to ‘The Great I Am’ that he’d never treat one of his friends the way he’d treated me, and in one of his ‘please give me one more chance to prove I’m not the monster you think I am’ phases, he agreed – he’d never treat any of his MALE friends this way, nor would he expect to be treated this way by any of them.

      • Jayne, yeah, my husband’s karma bus is him. He’s his own worst enemy. He’s so pathetic that even I am confused with pity for him. I need to stop worrying about him, after all he managed his insane life up until he met me, he’ll do so again now that I’m gone. But I’m annoyed with myself for feeling such compassion for him right now. At the same time I’m kinda starting to hate him. It’s all good, I guess. I know I will survive. I’m not so sure about him.

        So your husband’s a ‘man’s man’ is he? Gah.

        • I met ex when I was 36. I was either blessed or blind, but I truly believed no one with two brain cells to rub together would be a misogynist, having never (knowingly) met one! Ex prided himself on his intelligent (went to Cambridge Uni) so I thought for a very long time that his misogyny was him posturing in a kind of ‘devil’s advocate’ way. Even before D Day, and everything was looking like paradise between us, I would confront him on his ‘madonna/whore take on all women (the only woman I ever knew him show any respect to was his cheater sister – major Narc herself) but, honestly, I was so naive I thought he chose to be willfully blind to his attitudes in a effort to ‘wind me up’ – not because THAT IS WHO HE IS! Cor, I was an idiot – trouble is – I don’t want to be ‘daughter of Einstein’ when is life gonna let me be stupid and naive – other people get away with it! 🙁 😀

            • Thanks Moving Liquid 🙂

              Honest to God – I’m so tired of being consoled with ‘well, now your wiser’! Can’t I just be happy and dumb please – please? I don’t want to be head of class in ‘surviving fucked up relationships’ – I’d much rather do Geography!

              Moving Liquid, I’d suggest we bunk off together but I’ve got a feeling this is one of those nasty schools where they lock you in during lunch-break and give you detention for complaining! 😉

        • Yes, ML, by all means stop worrying about your abuser. He lied, he cheated, he robbed you, and he disrespected you and all your efforts. Let him sink. Sad but these people can’t live like regular people with actual emotions, actual loyalty, actual kindness. Let it go, honey.

      • That’s funny because it’s one of the power thoughts that helped me move through this! I’d never continue any other friendship if the friend lied to or betrayed me the way x had been. I’d never stay friends with someone who was playing their spouse, and then blamed them when the game was discovered. Male OR female! Gah.

    • ML, the tramp is younger than my oldest daughter. It’s gross, so very gross. But it also cut me right to my core that he is with a 30 year old when I am pushing 50. That is an ego blow that I haven’t managed to even really deal with yet.

        • As with any emotion…feel it. Notice it. Comment on it in your mind. And watch it dissipate. When you don’t do that, you start piling up a lot of unprocessed emotional shit. In my case, that turns into weight I carry on my body. For other people, it turns into disease or rage or various forms of PTSD.

        • Rage is good! It’s invigorating and energizing – when properly directed, of course. I think one thing that is helping me with that intense anger is just allowing myself to feel it without trying to push it away or deny it or immediately start the I’m-a-good-person-so-I-shouldn’t-want-to-smack-someone-right-now thing.

          It also helps to write it all out. I sit in front of the computer and just let the words fly out (I can type faster than I can write so this works for me). I say anything and everything I want to say and edit nothing. Then I either delete it or print it and burn it. Sometimes, if I feel I was particularly witty I will print it for my journal. I do keep a part of my journal reserved for all of the horrible things he’s done and said so I can refer back to it in case I ever start to think he’s human.

          I also got this Weight Watchers exercise kit called “Punch” at Costco a while back. Its a boxing workout with lots of punching and kicking – it even has these little gloves you wear so you feel super badass. Talk about visualization! I love it.

          I have been known to walk up and down my hallway, cursing and calling him names after some particularly hideous encounters – not when the kids are around. I’m sure I look utterly demented but it makes me feel better.

          The only other thing that is helping me is to not deny how angry I am to others. What I mean is that I used to say, “oh, it’s fine,” if someone asked how I was – or I’d go along with something I didn’t want to go along with but felt I shouldn’t make a fuss. I don’t do that much any more. I am not nice so that I can avoid conflict. I am nice because I am a nice person but I am assertive when I don’t like something, need something different, whatever it is. I don’t try to keep the peace at all costs. Very hard to do but incredibly freeing.

          You have every right to be incredibly angry, ML. I know you will find your way through it!

          • I was never comfortable with my anger my entire life until I worked it through with my therapist – only took 52 years to get there! She had me embracing my anger and feeling it, and then learning to use it as an ally. The best thing I did was ride my bike as fast as I could down a country road, while yelling “Fuck you, fuck you…” over and over as loud as I could in time with pedalling. Extraordinarily cathartic, and helped me lose weight at the same time. At first it felt ridiculous, and then it was tremendously energizing. Oh, and beating the hell out of a stone wall with a big stick helped a lot too.

        • Thinking of emotions as frequencies helps me. When you feel an emotion, take notice of the energy level it stirs up and find the most beneficial matching action and do that. Ex:

          feeling sad = looking at art or reading inspirational stuff online or supportive online sites like CL, writing or creating art or music.

          feeling empty = doing laundry or cleaning or something that requires little mental interaction but you can still feel productive and are moving around physically.

          feeling inspired = well, whatever you want, these days kick ass!

          feeling angry = create art, music, write, etc. Go running or something physically challenging, anything that allows you to throw the emotional energy around and then get it out of yourself.

          Well, these are what I’ve noticed help sometimes and gets me on to better feeling emotions while letting myself use the emotion while it’s in me. Hopefully someone else can get something out of that too!

      • Lissa, the ow is older than me by 5 yrs. it’s an ego blow no matter what. I work in fashion and music, and frankly Im an attractive, very hip, physically fit, well educated 45 yr old. My teens – male and female – ransack my closet and tell me I’m so cool and can I dress them. Yet my ego is shot to hell by an older woman who is ugly inside and out, and has destroyed her own family. A married 50 yr old woman with 4 kids blowing her boss doesn’t scream sexy at all, it’s like a horror movie. I think we give too much power to the other woman and what we think she represents. But she was just a willing participant and not a reflection on what we lack. They are lacking, not us. My dumbass h is mortified by what/who he has done. I wish I could post her pics here, her Twitter is only sexy open mouth poses of herself that could be from an snl skit. She has no respect for herself. We are above these women regardless of what their birth certificates say, Lissa. I can walk proudly and she knows she’s a laughing stock, now unemployed, due to her disgusting behaviour. My mil was the boss, that’s why my h wasn’t fired, btw. no one considered her behaviour worse than his. Anyway, I have never suffered from low self esteem until that nasty used Kleenex came into my life. I can’t give her that power, she’s too scummy to ruin who I am. We have more beauty and integrity in our pocket lint than those idiots. Don’t forget that, even if it means we need to come here and say it over and over to each other.

        • Nic
          They all seem to affair down. When the affair came out everyone was flabbergasted that she was the OW. People said it was like he went from driving a Mercedes to a Ford. It doesn’t make a difference whether they affair down or up as far as our egos go but when they do affair down, as you h and mine as well did, we do think “what the fuck”.

          It’s imperative for our own well being to know its never about us or our lack of anything or character flaw or even about the marriage. It’s all about the cheaters character or lack thereof.

          The ow in my case was an uneducated, foul mouthed gold digger. Once she found out that her gravy train stopped she moved on to her next victim. I’m not saying all ow have the character that this one did but she was a true sociopath. She spotted my h and set her sights on him. Yes I hate her and let me tell you the karma bus has ran her over and continues to. I had fun with turning her into government authorities for fraud, she lost her job, her car, her boyfriend and her sugar daddy. But karma is really taking advantage of that stupid cockroach now she has terminal cancer!!! Yep she’s rotting away as we speak. I should feel bad for a fellow human but I dont. I dont even have to wish or hope for her suffering because she is already. I can’t hope for any more retribution. Fate has taken care of that for me. Now I just look in the weekly obits to see if she’s finally dead!

          My h was stupid enough to hire her making it impossible to ever get rid of her. When he finally tired of her and the affair it all came out I was the one that fired her and didn’t give two shits about the legal implications. She could never take the hint to piss off on her own and he was narcissistic enough to think he was in control of the situation. She was a tenacious little cockroach. Was not about the give up on her meal ticket. She truly was a whore in every sense of the word and horribly pathetic. She met her match with me. Lol she’s so scared of me she has me blocked on FB:). No cyber stalking for me!!!

          She actually had the nerve to show up at my grandsons first birthday party in my sons home. My h and I talked about it and she said she was invited. My son assured me and said she was most definitely NOT invited and told him she was coming to the party. That’s nerve!

          Anyway as much as I think she’s a pathetic blood sucking cockroach it’s truly all about my husbands lack of character during that time and it is immense to wrap your head around when you are trying very hard not to spackle. We are still together and he and life is pretty good and happy except when I think, WHAT THE FUCK???

          • It’s like I walk around all day just mumbling, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” And you are the Mercedes, she sounds like the town bike. I compared her to the gross snacks you buy at the gas station, I was the exquisite homemade meal at home. Ironically, the joke in our house has always been that Nic only has one dietary rule, and that is: I never eat where I buy gas.

            She set her sights on my h too. After the relationship ended (well before I knew), she continued to report to him because she could successfully sue the company. Ironically, she wasn’t sophisticated enough to play that card (I know more than one gorgeous long legged admin who have made “good” money this way, whether the sex happened or not – true sociopaths), she just still wanted him. And her job. And her husband. And her 4 kids. Wtf? Who has time for this shit?

            Your ow was rotting from the inside for a long time. She’s getting the full Monty of karma, self made.

            • Nic
              LOL someone else compared it to eating at a 5 star restaurant and then eating at fast food too!! Tacky is as tacky does!

              You must be my sister from another mother!! I never eat food from gas stations either. My h always teases me asking if I would like a QT coffee??? Um no, never! I too have a great closet and just keeps getting better 🙂 HHMM imagine that?

              I heard she was considering a lawsuit after she was fired, oops I mean “laid off”, and was advised in my state you can be let go for any reason so she dropped it. There were plenty of witnesses to shoot down her case had she gone for sexual harassment. However, there were other females who quit working at our business because of the preferential treatment they all saw she was getting and could have easily filed against him. And do you know not one of those chicken shit, rat fink, poor excuses for being a woman ever approached me with their suspicions?? I hate them too!!! Anyway, Mr. I Was In Control, got off very lucky that there was no litigation by anyone at the business. Before he fired her I kept begging him to get legal advise about what to do. Finally there was a straw that broke the camels back and he and I just went in to the office early one morning and told her to leave. That was it done and over with, she was gone, well sort of…

              In some way I feel sorry for her. On Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs she was on the bottom rung. She couldn’t support herself, was an alcoholic, gambler, yeah a real loser. HA and he choose her?! Sure made him feel like a real hero. He could really impress her, but that wasn’t setting the bar too high for him. Pathetic is the operative word here.

              Now she’s on medicaid and disability with her cancer diagnosis although I hear she may be faking it. UGH, it gets so tedious. And the IRS has levied her assets, as few as they are. It’s and she are pathetic. So thank you very much asshole for bringing this diseased, three legged dog into our lives!!!

              WTF is right!

  • Except for APs who are truly chumps themselves, the only reason they contact a chump is to get the cheater to come to them. Illustrated by the fact that after chumps get a clue and go for divorce, many cheaters do NOT want a divorce, and often refuse to move out or do false R because they are lying to the AP – along the lines of “I can’t leave him/her, she is so distraught” or I love you both.” This goes along with the fact that the cheater knows that in most cases ze cannot maintain the awesomeness they project to the AP if they live together. The greatest gift you can give YOURSELF is to give the OW/OM what they think they want. If you do that, you will never get a letter like this…

    • Absolutely TRUE!!! i have played this game before with my now XH. 3 years ago while we were separated for 2 years, i started to rethink being separated and thought he needed to be at home. so being the “Great Chump I am” i started talking to him about coming home. he had been trying (if you call the very minimum effort he put forth as trying) to come home anyways. so we started talking, having sex and making plans, the whole time, unknown to myself he had also started a relationship with the neighborhood crackwhore (they had so much in common, knew all the same people, both grew up in this area, had so much to talk about (because i do not know any crackheads/jailbirds, and try to keep those types of people out of my life) and she understood him and made him feel better). I started to catch on (a little slow) and turned into the marriage police. found out he was with her, fixing to move in with her and what did i do. i begged him back. on my fucking knees. crying. the previous 72 hours were pure hell because she was talking so much sh*t to me. AND HE LET HER!!

      fast forward to beginning of this year. we separated… well i kicked him out on new years day because he didnt come home AGAIN. even after that, because i seriously the biggest chump (and fool) in the world. i again was trying to fix our marriage (for the 1 millionth time), talking about marriage counseling and such. on feb 9, i went to take him a box of his stuff, nicely folded and shit. and he brought his new neighborhood hood rat, married meth head with him. i literally was in shock. stood there with my mouth hanging open and tears in my eyes (because when i say i am going to forgive and forget, apparently i really do it) because i honestly did not think he would ever EVER cheat on me!!! and the fucker actually smirked. i will never forget that smirk.

      but i regress. so THiS one also thought it would be so much fun to talk shit to me, about me, to me. AND AGAIN HE LET HER. but i knew she was worried. she was scared that he would come back to me. in all actually, i think HE thought that i would beg him again to come home to his family, to his children and the wife that loved him. She thought it was a good idea to call me and tell me that he is HERS, and how he doesnt love me or want to be with me. blah blah blah. i heard all the same shit from the last crackwhore. and when i degraded myself, when i forgot my morals and values and begged my husband to come home…..he turned his back on that crackwhore in a heartbeat. came home and as far as i know (and believe me i was checking everything at first) he never contacted her again. she just faded into the woodwork like a good little cockroach. in fact, i am embarrassed to say, i harassed her more then she was harassing me after my husband came home. i guess i should have took notice how easy it was for him to turn his back on her and erase her from his mind (because that is what he just did to me and the kids after i refused to dance the pick me dance) but of course i THOUGHT I was SPECIAL. after all I WAS HIS WIFE and we had many years together AND I was the MOTHER OF his children……. pst none of that means shit to him, i found that out.

      but i truely believe i could have gotten my spineless, selfish, passive aggressive, entitled, lying, thieving, cruel and hateful, weasel of a man, with zero coping skills and no integrity of a husband back if i wanted to. So i know all the phone calls from the other woman to me was his MOW dancing the pick me dance for him (of course he was super impressed how she stood up for him and how she protected him from me). i told her she was nothing, she was a home wrecker. i told her off a few times but after that. i just refused to play anymore. she would start up shit and i would just ignore her. i would text him to see/visit his children and she would bring out the crazy and i would just say fine, then dont see your children. her favorite is telling me “HE IS MINE” and “YOU ARE DIVORCED” like somehow in the past 7 months i forgot that I filed divorce or something. last time she actually told me “YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT HE AND I ARE A COUPLE” my response was “you are just going to have to accept that you are nothing and my children do not need to have any contact with you whatsoever” and then “how funny that you cry i have to accept that you are a couple. you did not respect or accept the fact that he and i were married when you started fucking him. you are nothing be a home wrecker.”

      i have been no contact for 2 full months and it has been peaceful.
      those OW and MOW KNOW they are not shit. they KNOW they are wrong. so they try to tell the wife that it is the wife’s fault as they convince the husband he should leave his family.

      someone said on here the other day and i have been saying it to myself since feb 9. i do not want a man who can turn his back and walk away from his wife and children. i can not live like that but apparently SHE does.

      *sorry for the length. i always start out with just a sentence or so and end up writing a fucking novel.

        • Thank you. it is one hell of a story and that is just one small little story in the 14 years of hell with that man. i had blinders on or something. i really really loved that man. lately, i have been focusing on all the bad stuff instead of hurting over the good stuff. it helps keep it in focus now that he has completely discarded me and forgot all about me (and the boys)

          i gave him 14 years. i stood by his side thru even single fuck up, mistake, misunderstanding and disappointing bad decisions he continues to make over and over. all for the sake of the marriage, for the children to have a good, safe and secure childhood like i did. i forgave his inadequateness’s, his FOO, his inability to talk about emotions and feelings, his conflict avoidance, and his passive aggressiveness. i actually believed in him, believed he was a good person. believed he loved me and the children and that he wanted us to have a good life. i encouraged him, supported him and made sure to boost up his oh so fragile ego. i did everything….bills, children, talking to kids teachers, and sports, cleaning, cooking, laundry (he always had clean underwear and clothes), fixed the house, cars, yard. planned activities and vacations. all he had to do was go to work and come home. and he couldnt even do that.

          i am going to be much better off without him. i just hate to be alone and single. i honestly do not want to date or go to bars so i guess i will be forever alone. but being alone is better then being alone and married. i might be laying in bed alone but it is better then having someone lying to me and fucking everyone and just laying in bed next to me with no heart at all.

        • oh and thank you for reading. i know my stories/comments always end up so long. i really try just to say a couple of sentences but i am long winded i guess. lol i always wonder if anyone actually bothers to read what i write since they are always super long. (and boring)

  • I believe the ‘letter’ from the OW is the greatest strategic move of all time.

    The letter I got from the OW was remarkably similar. She was also ‘so very sorry’ and offered to meet with her to talk ‘about how we had been wronged’ by my now exH. (Among other things, he told her we had an open marriage and weren’t really married anymore. She knew me and had been a guest at my home many times, so she saw and knew we were married.)

    So, I did it. I met with her. I still can’t believe she had the balls to sit in my living room and tell me ‘the story’.

    Best hour of my life. It made it real.

    She was the only one in my life to tell me the truth.

    Not one of my ‘friends’ said a word. Not even my very close friends. Nadda. I have no idea how any of them held their tongues for years. What does that tell you?

    For her, I believe that her strategy – get rid of me and keep him – backfired.

    Fantastic strategy for me. Yep, I got rid of the exH. She got to keep him but her manipulation eventually ended their relationship. Apparently, he was very embarrassed by this move. Plus it was proof of adultery.

    I say, forget about the contents. I am so thankful for that freakin’ letter. It lit the firestorm of anger I needed to change my life.

    • THis last MOW thought we could be friends for the sake of MY children (BTW she gave up her children when she left her husband but thinks she knows what is in the best interest for MY children, HA) after all i “need to accept that he and her are a couple now”

      you are so brave!! i have often wondered what the fuck my husband (now XH) told her. what did they talk about while they sat there drinking. and how did they end up fucking. but honestly, i cant stand that hood rat he ended up with. i figured he was playing the poor me song, and my wife is so mean, blah blah blah and she supported him, agreed with him, and encouraged him to leave his wife and kids. i know she would tell him what to tell me when i was struggling to figure out WTF was happening. he (she) even said that it is not good for the kids that he keeps leaving home and coming back. she has really convinced him that he (and they) are better off with him leaving us.

      i dont care to know her. or talk to her. she is crazy. AND she is worthless. if he thinks she will treat him better then i did, so be it. i am not going to compete with some loser meth head hood rat for my husbands love or attention. but i used to think i wanted to know. i can see where it would drive the finally nail in. but it is a game i dont want to play.

      i still think you are brave and give you kudos for talking to your OW. it is wonderful when HE finds out she is not so special after all. i am just waiting for Karma to hit my XH.

  • Best hour of my life. Me, too. A short phone conversation followed by about an hour of texting with his girlfriend told me everything I wanted to know about her. What a twit. I had her built up in my mind to be some sort of glamorous wonder woman, but that hour opened my eyes to the real her. Downgrade all the way. I read about other women because they are just yet another flavor of fucked up ness. Not what you see on tv. Aging, slutty, delusional, pathetic.

    • Same. A downgrade in every sense. I show her pic to anyone who asks so he can be more humiliated. The response is always, “ew!! Really? No wonder he never introduced her to anyone.” My h is a very good looking hip dressed man, and he was afraid to be seen with her. Wtf? Why?

    • Yeah, Jackass’s MOW shows her downgrade status via FB, Twitter (oh my God the stupidity) an Pinterest, where she displays her infatuation and her inability to categorize simple items to the world. And eventually I got to see her giant forearms in a FB photo on a friend’s page. She is almost young enough to be my daughter, so initially there was that “too old feeling.” But as I sit on the eve of my 63rd birthday, I must say that gaining a life has done powerful things for my appearance, confidence, and my realistic self-image. I am thrilled to be the best 63 year old I can be. Thanks, Chump Nation, for helping me in this process. It’s not our ages that matter; it’s how we feel about ourselves and our lives. Even when life sucked (betrayal, money trouble, polar vortex, loneliness), it was better than being the MOW.

      • “And eventually I got to see her giant forearms in a FB photo on a friend’s page.” Ha ha…there’s something about this that encapsulates both the desire to know about the OW… the sleuthing we do…. and the reality of the very ordinariness of them. It made me laugh with recognition at the sheer absurdity of the adultery show we get to (unwillingly) feature in.

        Sadly, I already knew more than I wanted to know about OW as she was a colleague and a FB ‘friend’. So there was the inevitable exchange of FB messages after my XH drunkenly confessed to their affair. She was so sorry and understanding and offered to meet with me to discuss the situation. My XH had just made her realise what she was missing in her relationship with her partner ( and father of her two young boys). I pointed out that XH was an alcoholic with ‘other issues’ which being the spackling chump I was, I did not itemise- financial, porn, prostitutes… Even at that stage I was protecting him. Duh. It meant he just spun her a line on the other issues-no doubt it included my ‘craziness’.

        Well they carried on, there was some texts between OW and me but I became aware of the triangulation with XH-(although didn’t know what it was then!)-and I just stopped wanting to have anything to do with either of them. They believed they were meant to be together and were prepared to do whatever it took for that to happen. Yes XH told me that. Sweet. As I’m now divorced and strict NC ( no drive by FB viewing) I don’t know if they’re still doing whatever it takes. I hope so, because it will take everything they’ve got to keep it all together- forever. What exhausting karma that is going to be…..

      • Happy Bday tomorrow!
        “I must say that gaining a life has done powerful things for my appearance, confidence, and my realistic self-image.” This is very true, the look of genuine confidence is ageless and very attractive in both genders.

        • Oh No Moving Liquid! So sorry to hear you are feeling daunted today by your future! God knows I can relate to the feeling, but we’ll be OK, I’m sure. I went out last night to a kind of open mike night and had 3 blokes hitting on me (OMG) – I’m not interested (would rather have a dog 🙂 ) – but it gave this 51 year old quite the unexpected ego boost! Learn to play the guitar, take some singing lessons, betcha you can find somewhere nearby with an open mike night going on – my big tip! Now all I have to do is actually find somewhere to live that I can afford to move to and live in, and I’ll be grand. You just got rid of an arse, you’ve got a great sense of humour, you are intelligent, kind, compassionate – how many more ‘gifts’ do you want woman 😉 xxx

        • Honey, we are all afraid. Courage is moving forward in spite of the fear. I’m taking you post here to mean that you aren’t being repaid what he owes you. (What a surprise….he’s so reliable, eh?). A year ago I was a totally chumped, clueless mess, with just my instinct about MOW to go on. I could hardly function. What a difference a year of hard work on myself makes–not putting any energy into a narcissist or a drinker or abuser.

          It might take some creative thinking on your part, but you can figure out what you love and what makes you happy and just walk that road, with your heart wide open but your eyes peeled for hyenas and aliens…You’re still alive, still here in real life and online, still getting a little better every day. Love and ((((hugs)))).

          • Moving Liquid – I’m with LovedAJackass on this too. I’m just over a year out and now divorced from someone who dealt me financial and emotional blows. He lived off me and family money-which I feel bad about even though he didn’t/doesn’t. He didn’t even contribute to the divorce costs citing ‘no funds’ although he was getting financial help from the OW-new ‘business partner.’

            To get away I cashed in a pension for a lump sum which got me moved and which I’m living on. I’d have liked to have done something else with this but I decided there is no price on freedom. And freedom is what I have-I live far away from XH so no more drunken visits, or updates on his love trauma, or comments on me/my life-just no more XH. I’ve got a new home, new career, new peace of mind- which is priceless. It isn’t the damage done that’s important but the new life we ALL can create. Keep moving forward Moving Liquid.

        • agree, we are all afraid!!!

          but either way it goes, you are better off without him. as long as you can wake up alive each day, then you are okay. i feel like i am starting all over. being a single mother sucks. everything i worked so hard for about to be lost because of HIS actions not mine. i feel like i am being punished for doing everything right. i made the right choices, sacrifices and decisions and i am STILL losing what i fought so hard for.

          but i tell you one thing. i would rather start all over with nothing (except of course my kids. hell i carried and made those kids, he just groaned and enjoyed the moment) THEN to have him hold anything over my head. i will continue to do the right thing. and i will be okay. you will be okay. and our loser, fuckups, will never be okay. they can fool themselves into thinking they are doing good and that they are okay, but they have a blackness in their souls that will never go away. my soul (and yours too) shines with pure sunlight even on the cloudiest of days.

          hugs and never give up. one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking across the floor. haha even if it is baby steps and you take a step back or two, keep moving forward. set your sights on one project at a time. kind of like cleaning a completely messy disgusting house. if you look at the full picture you get discouraged. if you brake it down. first pick up all the dishes, second wash all the dishes. first pick up all the trash, second throw all the trash to dumpster. first pick up all the clothes, second wash the clothes, third fold the clothes, forth put clothes away. it seems much much more manageable. and before you realize BOOM house is clean…..

      • LovedAJackass A.K.A. Warrior Princess (love the new Moniker by the way 🙂 )

        Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday 🙂

        Hope you have a fabtabulous day 😀

        • Thanks so much. It is already 1000 times better than watching the Jackass smirk at me last year and slink off to text his MOW. But then, I could have stayed home in the dark watching bad movies or had my spleen removed and it would have been better than that….

    • *raises hand up*

      mine was a downgrade also. she is a short, fat (beer belly) ugly, immoral oompa loompa chewbacca looking meth head. she has zero morals and zero values. her outlook on life is “as long as we are happy, nothing else matters”. she has no problem living in her car, or a house that is literally falling apart around her. she has no problems with walking away from her kids, job and responsibilities. she has no problem drinking all night and sleeping all day. she doesnt care if he has a job or if they pay their bills. she is going nowhere in life and will end up with nothing. and due to her meth addiction, she is younger then i by 9 years but looks older then i do. i laughed the first time i saw her and i continue to laugh when i see pictures of her. and i will laugh in the future when she looks like an old dry up hag which will probably happen before i do. haha

      but that is what he wanted. she can have him. he is an emotional vampire.

      • OH and the best part is…..she has had her turn with just about everyone who knows him. she has fucked every man in their little happy drug induced group. i wonder how he feels about that, having all the guys know what its like between her legs.

        besides she is crazy. i dont know how many domestic violence arrest she has.

      • This might be off topic, but I’m seeing so many comments like this that I’m wondering if anyone has the opposite experience – where the woman who came after you was actually an upgrade? This unfortunately happened to me and it has just about destroyed my self-esteem. She came on the scene very quickly after my husband left me (said he needed his space) and was someone he had known in a professional capacity for some time. I knew her too, and she’s actually a nice, smart woman. Also younger, prettier, more athletic, more fun, more professionally successful, and from what I can tell emotionally tougher than I am. A different personality altogether. About the only flaw I can see is that she had no problem going after a separated man who had a history of being a cheater, but even there I can see where that might be morally ambiguous.

        • So I’m wondering what’s worse – being upgraded or downgraded? Might be a column in that Tracy…

          • Chumpilated, was the woman(s) he cheated with “upgrades” ? I don’t put it that way myself, any woman who knowingly hooks up with a married man is a downgrade IMO. What you look like is not everything, in fact it’s not the most important thing. My ex cheated with someone who looked like a poor version of me, financially a poor version of me but most importantly ethically she was simply a piss poor person. Perfect match for the ex

            • I get stuck here in how to think about it because they didn’t get together until we were officially and legally separated. I know that for a fact since I came across some evidence later that spelled out exactly when their relationship had started. Is that actually cheating then? Is that the same as her being an immoral tramp who knowingly hooked up with a married man? In his mind we were done, over, he never looked back so I never got a chance to do the pick me dance. He was out there looking for a new life and he found it. He’s married to her now and I assume it’s probably going well. It’s hard for me to see her as a horrible person as much as I wish I could. He was done with the marriage and it was over except for the technicalities (the final divorce decree) and I’m sure that’s how he presented it to her.

        • As CL says it’s really all about character. So it doesn’t matter if the OW is the Virgin Mary ( I know that seems a particularly crazy notion and it’s not meant to offend) but the cheating bit would get in the way of all the other good stuff (and I suspect Ms Quick on the Scene was a OW). And that’s assuming it was good stuff and not fantastic impression management which we know figures highly in the cheater melodrama.

          I was always being told how wonderful the OW was by XH ( well apart from when he was telling me she was delusional?!) She just had so much to do and was so good at all of it ( Sex with him, of course, looking after her children, her home with her partner, her mother, her job – working with me, bringing him presents, paying for their days out…oh yeah being fun and emotionally tougher …because these two are most definitely needed if you are to be a successful cheater. Fun as in I’ll do what I damn well please and emotionally tougher as in I don’t care what anyone thinks -esp you, poor sad wifey.

          The knock to the self esteem, it’s shock not a reality. The OW and all Other People are flawed people-so we don’t have to feel inferior to them (or if we’re very Meh, superior to them either). You just have to leave them to carry on doing their stuff and concentrate on being your own best self. On reflection Chumpilated, the upgrade/downgrade descriptions probably don’t help us chumps move forward so I wouldn’t bother thinking this way- just move forward.

          • Chumpilated – you had only been separated a short time before OW arrived on the scene. Even if they hadn’t been actually having an affair before separation, you can bet your bottom dollar they must have been ‘flirting’ or ‘courting’ as I’d prefer to call it. Poor character at least on her part. In the end though, you were still married, so she still had an affair with a married man, separated or not. Please don’t let her appearance and PR for her ‘character’ make you feel less than. Has the Pope written a character reference for her, or are you just believing what proven liars are telling you? If she is so wonderful, what the hell is she doing with a man like your ex? She at least knows who he is, where as I’m guessing you didn’t? Mikky is right about not using upgrade/downgrade comparisons – it doesn’t help at all. Remember, at one time your ex-shithead thought hung the moon too, so all that wonderfulness she looks like she’s got – you have in spades too! Just cos your ex-shithead wants to live in a LaLa land where ‘the love of my life’ is interchangeable with whatever next piece of strange he fancies, doesn’t diminish you – diminishes him, and him alone. x

            • Jayne, bless you for those words! Very helpful. Comparison with others is a poisonous thing and sometimes I slip and forget that. His actions diminish him. You’re right, she doesn’t have character. Character would say “call me when you’re completely divorced and then we’ll see where things stand.” No, she was determined to get him as fast as she could and she got him. Thank you Jayne, you helped me get a little closer to meh.

        • No amount of looks, intelligence or success makes up for shit character.
          Her ‘looks’ are probably covered with 8 inch thick makeup, probably looks like a fake skank to boot. The rest of the things you mentioned are mere subjective, and probably lies/a ‘cover’ for how shit her life really is.
          The fact that she was around in the time you had separated shows she was likely there beforehand, which shows how depraved she really is.
          You are the only thing that matters – in the sense you have morals and decency and are living an authentic life, rather than being fake trash like that whore is.

        • If she’s that awesome, why did she settle for a man whom she knows is a cheater? I’m thinking she might be a bit on the sparkly side or the confidence isn’t what it appears to be.

          And for what it’s worth, if a woman works at home or a paid job and takes care of her kids and loves her family and then is chumped, the next woman is not an upgrade–she’s an ornament and a new mirror for a narcissist.

  • Oh yes, the wonderful OW. My husband’s OW, the bestfriend of his with a heart of gold, pretended to be my friend while digging her claws into him. After their emotional affair was found out, we had a discussion. Oh she feels bad for me. There’s nothing there. He’s like a brother to her. Mr. Wonderful seems depressed, he needs help. Ok lady, just quit calling him. I don’t need your advice.

    Did that end things? No. Because she’s full of shit and so is he.
    One month after d-day, she send me a threatening message on FB telling me to quit contacting her or she’ll file harrasment charges on me. Me? I’d been no contact with her for a month! She’s a crazy woman. A crazy pig-faced, bleach blonde, 80’s hair having, common-grade slut.

    • After a similar sequence, DrHoe actually took out a restraining order onME! in a state where I have never set foot…the potential enforcement of which perplexed the hell out of my friend (a litigator) who stepped up to try and help out. (The question of jurisdiction–ah, lawyers, gotta love ’em.)

      Anyway, I hired a well recommended hound dog, esq. in her state, and he drafted a non-contact contract between the Hoe, and the (now) Ex & me. It was an effective way to terminate their affair, that’s for sure.

      That bitch has balls, I’ll say that for her. What she didn’t count on, was that I have a tough, tough spine. And, unlike her previous victims, (like her Pastor’s wife,) I strike back. So, basically, before the court ruling had happened, she was outed. Of course she (and Ex!) still have all their skank HS friends, but what can you say, really, about people who live life like it’s 7th grade forever?

  • In the one phone call we had Twinkle Twat advised me very kindly to listen to my husband. In his conflict avoidant way of course he wasn’t saying anything at home but was clearly giving her the same sad old story about his wife not understanding him, difficult adult kids, blah, blah……. Which made it ok to fuck him. In time she will realise that she is actually doing all the talking herself but meantime she is caught in her 1950/60’s ideal wife warp. I do so hope it lasts because I don’t want him back.

  • A little different but kind of the same, the OW asks my adult daughter, “how’s your mom doing?” when she sees her. My daughter thinks she’s being sensitive and I want to puke at her gall…..

    • Ask your daughter to say, “She’s an awesome mother.” That’s “how” you are. 🙂 Same answer every time. She’ll stop her fishing expedition.

  • After DDay #1, the MOW told my husband to tell me she was so sorry, and she knew how I felt because her husband had had affairs too. Then why the fuck would you do that to someone else???

  • I find it sad that with self-focused, self-centered, entitled people, no matter what is happening, it is always about them and their happiness. They can take any situation and look at how it affects them. Their actions are to change how they are affected by the world and by other people.

    When I saw this in my ex and a whole bunch of my family members and friends, it was easier to go NC with some and very little contact with others. It is like the book “Why is it Always About You?”
    That explained how the twisted thinking of both of the affair partners — it is about them and how they feel and everyone has to get on board with making them feel better. They have no empathy for others but they feel bad for themselves when something isn’t going smoothly in their favor. And, why can’t people have empathy for them? Boggles the mind.

    Not a huge revelation but it took me years to not see that there are people who exist like that. It is not a circumstance or a situation that just got stressful or overwhelming, they just think that way in all circumstances or situations. It is about them. They are the victims in this world and others have to cater to them. So glad my eyes are open now! And, with many of my friends who would whine or complain about daily or weekly stuff, I have stopped listening to it and they have gone to others who will listen to them complain. It is freeing to get away from toxic people!

  • I met with the OW recently, when the divorce was finalized. I told her that she was not the first OW but the last one I would meet with and that I did not want any returns. Contrary to CL´s advice, I did it to face the monster and to see how ordinary she was and also to ask her why, if she had been a chump herself, would she do this to another family. I also told her to keep away from my kids for at least a year. She said she was not interested in my kids (duh) and that cheating was just a “sociological fact”, the way that most marriages end today. She was so cold-hearted and ugly and truly a downgrade in all categories…but this made the meeting quite therapeutic for me (I left laughing all the way home to see how karma was already there and how they deserved each other). I am now worried for the day my kids will meet her, however, she is truly awful…

  • Oh, goody. Can we submit our chumpy self righteous apology letters, followed by the batshit crazy ones we get later? I have some And I never responded to any of them! Crazy doesn’t like to be ignored, apparently.

    I know we have Jesus Cheaters, but can we also take a poll about Buddhist ones? Because I thought my crazy Jesus loving husband was a Jesus lover. It seems some of them only love Jesus until they meet Buddha in yoga pants.

  • I confronted the first OW immediately after my ex confessed and she started crying and apologizing and begging me not to tell her H. I didn’t. She did because she was terrified I would tell him. They were only married for six months. He threw her out immediately and divorced her. Second OW approached me (I already knew about the affair) and said she was sorry but couldn’t help herself. Final OW? All I wanted at that point was to get the hell out of the marriage that I didn’t care if she was covered in fur and had a tail.

  • Reading the comments here, I just remembered that the first OW sent me a huge flower arrangement when I had my son. I didn’t know she was the OW (their affair was over then) since my ex confessed after I gave birth. Those were very dark times. Being chumped and post partum depression do not go well together. Nowadays, I am so grateful for a drama free life.

  • My OW was young, half my age. She worked as a server in a restaurant. She had borderline personality disorder. She had tattoos all over her back and down her arms. She was a damn mess.

    I never spoke to her or confronted her. I never have ever made a move in her direction. I can’t be bothered with the troll.

  • “Borderline personality disorder…damn mess… [and] troll.” ‘Bout says it all, thensome. And it is why “I can’t be bothered.” There is no end to the mess my ex hooked up with, just wish I had the same head start OUT of our “marriage” that he did.

  • I love you Chump Lady (and all you other Chumptastic WINNERS) The Internet is just mired with these ridiculous reconciliation tactics and people fooling themselves (‘My Husband’s Affair Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me’?!! How crap is your life Anne Bercht?! Best thing that ever happened to your bank account, you parasitic fraud!) I know it’s hard for the chumps, sorry, ‘BS’ to hear the truth, but thank God you tell it anyway Chump Lady, because let’s face it, they’re all gonna end up here anyway once they realise that they are trying to fix something they had no part in breaking!

    Anyway, I’m a big fan of your blog, I’ve never cheated nor am I being cheated on (rest assured should it happen to me I will dump the loser like radioactive waste and skip away doing the Chump Happy Dance, you know the one, two middle fingers held high and a shake of the tush, lol) I felt compelled to comment because I have intimate knowledge of what can happen when the OW takes it upon herself to confess. Before I tell my story let me warn that it’s quite shocking and I hope I don’t upset anyone, but I think it’s important to share so people can see just how far into crazy this whole cheating mess can go!

    The OW in my case was my father’s mistress. I was 13, the second of four daughters in a loving and happy family. The fact that my dad even cheated on my mum still shocks me. Perhaps I saw things through the eyes of a child, but I honestly thought my parents were so in love! When my mum was cooking my dad would stand behind with his arms wrapped around her. He would pinch her bum and tell her how gorgeous she was. They would openly kiss and cuddle, much to my embarrassment when my friends would say “Bet your mum and dad still DO IT” Lol yuck! Anyway, even my mum thought she had a great marriage. My dad was the stand up guy, the hero. I have a vivid memory of someone joking that after four daughters he must crave a son, and he looked at us with so much love and pride and said “No, I love being the only man in my house”. So it was quite the shock one day when my mum had an unexpected visit from my dad’s colleague. A young single female who my mum had met at social functions. She couldn’t wait to tell my mum all the sordid details, how ‘in love’ she and my dad were, how he only stayed for us kids and how she was doing my mum a favour by telling her what my dad so desperately wanted to but couldn’t. My dad walked in soon after, blissfully unawares that his cake had turned on him. As soon as he saw them together he knew. My mum was (and still is ) a woman of tremendous class, guts and biting wit. She swallowed whatever pain and humiliation she felt and said to my dad “Well darling, your soul mate here has told me everything. Naturally I’m divorcing you. I’m off to get my daughters from school, that should give you enough time to pack your shit and get the fuck out, yes? *turning to the OW* He’s all yours honey. But you should know that we have a pre-nup and I get practically EVERYTHING if he cheats, and you’ve just given me proof of adultery, so my lawyer will probably be calling you as a witness. Oh, and he won’t have any money to spoil you now, but that’s ok, cause you love him for who he is, don’t ya?”. And then she sashayed out like the diamond she is. She collected us from school and if she showed any pain then we certainly didn’t pick up on it. We soon learned the truth though. We came home to a nightmare. Police and red tape. As soon as police knew who we were we were shuttled off to the station. My dad killed the OW. You see, my narcissist asshat of a father never intended to leave his family. Not even for a second. He seemingly enjoyed using this scenario to convince the OW to keep fucking him, but never in a million years did he imagine that Miss Side Fuck would grow a pair and out him. And when he came home that day and realised that she had ruined him (I’m just surmising what HE was thinking, he ruined himself, I know this) he lost his cake – eating shit and stabbed the OW to death. He is now serving life in prison. I have NC with him, my own choice and I have no regrets. Mum divorced him ASAP and we have successfully rebuilt our lives (thanks to my mum being awesome, and the love and support of various friends, family, counsellors, teachers etc) I’m a stable, sensible person. I wouldn’t cheat even if this hadn’t happened. My dad tried to claim that his ‘love for his family’ drove him to it. Thanks, like the knowledge of what you did hasn’t been scarring enough without you blaming us for it, douchebag!

    So there’s my story. Scary stuff huh? I’m guessing the OW never thinks something like that could result from her decision to open her legs to a married man. Please don’t get me wrong, my dad committed a heinous crime. Nobody deserves to die that way. But I still regard her as a whore and always will. She came to our home that day with no other intention than destroying it. I feel so sorry for her family to this day. Not only did they lose a daughter, but the nature of her death meant that they (and everyone else) had to find out all the dirty details of what a horrendously selfish and evil person she was. Meeting my father was the beginning of the end of her life.

    So there you have it. The truly evil and painfully ugly consequences of cheating. It’s not some fucking Julia Roberts movie, it’s the depths of human behaviour. So once again I thank you Chump Lady for being a beacon out there in the sea of reconciliatory manure! Chump Lady for President! 🙂

    • Wow, KJP, that’s a terrible story. I’m so sorry that your family had to experience that.

      As far as the OW, I don’t have much sympathy for her, other than her family who probably had no idea. Like you said, she went in that day planning on destroying something, little did she know the tables would be turned on her.

      I see all of our stories and feel so sad inside. How can the people who love us so…..hurt us so much for a momentary bit of pleasure. Is that 5 minutes worth it? In my case, are your “deep talks” and connection worth ruining your wife of 10 years and mother of your children?

      What the hell is wrong with these people? The stakes are so high, yet they are so willing to risk it for some cheap thrills, be it physically or emotionally. They are truly wicked.

      • that is because it is all about being happy. YOLO. (fuck i hate that) and entitlement. it just doesnt matter that you are hurting other people because all that matter is your happiness.

        we are raising a society of entitled people. what they want is more important then doing the right thing and having loyalty and integrity for people who love you and supported you for YEARS. because they were bored and unhappy, of course they cant even put the effort to talk to spouse and explain what they are feeling/thinking. God FORBID they have to actually and/or make sacrifices for anything!!! And why should they? there is always another one to pick up after the other one left.

        i try not to think like them. i am happy that i am who and what i am. i am gratified and satisfied by the choices i make, the sacrifices i made for my kids and the beliefs i have. i would not like to be like those kinds of people. they are only looking for happiness but NEVER FIND it because it is so much easier to be unhappy. it hurt me to my core, shattered my heart and bruised my ego that my XH turned out to be 1 of THOSE people. i might have been looking thru rose colored glasses or was in denial but i honestly believed in him. my mistake.

        i cleaned the yard today and put up Halloween decorations. the yard looks nice. and i feel good!!! and happy. XH hated to clean the yard. too much work. XH didnt care about the decorations, never saw a reason to put all that effort into something that would be taken down in less then a month. And he never feels good or happy. it will be the story of his life. my life however will only get better

        • MrsVain -your post resonated with me. The entitlement and seeking of happiness because they’re never satisfied with themselves. (it’s not us!) My ex wanted more and more. Like the couple in the canoe. They get a better canoe, then a better boat, then a nicer boat and finally build their cruise ship. Once that’s done – what else to do but knock down the sandcastle: Uncork the cruise boat and let it sink. All for a new vagina? Just glad I’m out of that monkey cage. And, no, I KNOW he’s not happy now, living in the original canoe, and I am still in the cruise ship as I was able to plug the hole (so to speak).

          • awesome!! so glad you were able to plug the hole!! AND get rid of the person who was sabotaging your boat!!!

            That is the one thing i can never understand. how they say they want something. XH wanted to have kids, i gave him kids. XH wanted to have a family, i gave him my family (parent, sister, cousins, nephews) XH wanted to buy a house, so we bought a house. XH wanted several worthless vehicles, so he bought as many as possible. XH wanted all this stuff and still wasnt happy. so he just left it, walked away and forgot about all of it.

            call me crazy, but it really did hurt me alot. took a lot of time and chumplady and you all to finally get it in my head that he is worthless and an emotional vampire. i thought i could “fix” him. but nope, he just drug me down to his level.

            i am struggling but i would rather struggle honestly then to struggle because someone is stabbing me in the back and poking holes in my boat when i wasnt looking.

            good luck to you!!

    • Oh man, you not only found out your dad is a cheater, but a psychopath, too. I’m sorry you were exposed to that. I hope you’ll see a therapist or at least talk to a trusted friend about this because that is a lot to deal with at once.

      If this isn’t a cautionary tale not to get involved with a MM, I don’t know what is!

    • OMG, terrible story…too bad it involves real people. The s/heroe is definitely your mom, she knew exactly what to do and how to do it before CL existed, but why did she have a pre-nup? Had he cheated on her before? Her clarity seems like it came from a previous incident.

    • Wow, I’m so sorry. I’m always surprised that people aren’t worried more about how people will react when they travel down that road. For my parents, there was just a small local scandal, and no one was physically hurt. But how do you live life to adulthood, read books, read or watch the news, and not know how badly cheating hurts people? Literature is full of cautionary tales. I could never had done it either. So sorry for what you and your family had to go through!

    • Thank so much for sharing your story!!!
      and
      YOUR MOM ROCKS!!!! i loved that she just said what she said and walked out the door!! damn! i wish i could have done that.

      as for your father, i am very sorry. he was more disturbed then i bet your mom thought. he had it all!! he had a wonderful wife, and kids. he had a house and a job. he had everything. and STILL wasnt happy, wanted more. as far as i am concerned the other woman got what she deserved. grant it. it was a very high price to pay but she went over to your house to destroy YOUR MOM and you kids. i honestly couldnt care less if she thought she was going to get your dad or what it was she thought she was doing and for what reasons. it just so happened that the OW did not know your dad either. i also wish it was still against the law to commit adultery and all cheaters (and their loser OW) would have to serve time in jail. but i know that will never happen

      glad your mom was strong and sensible. i would love to get to know her and get some pointers on life, raising children and moving forward from her.

  • The ONLY time its even appropriate to be making a letter of this kind would be if the ‘OW’ was 100% not in the know that she was knowingly pursuing a ‘taken’ man.

    Unfortunately, in the past I’ve actually been in this situation myself – I found out mere weeks after dating someone that he had a girlfriend – and the moment I found out I immediately turfed him (after informing the girlfriend that he was being a cheating pig). Kinda make me ill to think about that situation, tbh.

    Said letter should contain “I found out that your husband/partner is lying to both of us – pretending he is single with me, and pretending he is faithful to you. I am sorry for what has happened, you have a right to know that your husband/partner has been a lying cheating pig and am no longer with him for obvious reasons. You deserve all the info to make an informed decision.”

    This letter reeks of “I’m a morally superior fucktard and I’m lording this over you because I intend to keep him and ruin your life. I don’t give a fuck because its all about me and STILL is. Woe is me he lied to me I want some sympathy waaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

  • Kjp thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so sorry you have had to go thru this… I cannot imagine your pain! You are mighty!

    • Thank you everyone who replied. All of you incredible souls have my deepest sympathy and support too. You WILL get through it, if my family can survive our horror story anyone can. I gave up trying to work out/caring if my dad is mentally ill. He’s the government’s problem now. He knowingly and willingly created this perfect storm and then when things didn’t go his way he sunk to the lowest depths and actually took a life. Don’t worry about me, my amazing mum and grandparents did an amazing job with us, and I’ve had various counsellors and teachers over the years who have helped me also. His crime is not my shame to bear, just like his affair wasn’t my mum’s. I once asked my mum if she would have reacted any differently had she known how my dad was gonna react. She said no, his fate was already sealed long before that awful day. I agree. If it’s any consolation to any of you, my mother and myself and my three sisters are all healthy, balanced, happy people. We escaped the pain. So can you <3 xxx

      • I meant to add, I’m extremely thankful that my mum was cut from a courageous cloth, she was raised by amazing parents who instilled in her a strong sense of self worth, and I thank my lucky stars for that, because sometimes I imagine an alternate ending. One where my mum is so crushed and broken and chumpified that she actually believed my father’s claims that ‘he did it for us’. Because in the depths of despair I can imagine some poor souls twisting it and seeing it as some macabre declaration of love. No no and more no! Do not mistake drama for passion. I wish all of you brave Chumps some of my mother’s strength. She was also lucky to have tons of support (kind of hard for people to straddle the fence when one of you is a convicted murderer!) I know many of you don’t have the support you deserve. I hope you come here often and recharge your tired batteries from the constant energy of this little chump family xx

        • KJP, so sorry to hear your horrific tale, and glad to hear your mom, yourself and your sisters have gotten lots of support.

          It points out to me that some of these disordered cheaters can indeed be dangerous.

          I am also a feisty woman who called narc cheater ex on a lot of his bullshit. In my case my narc cheater ex did not have the balls to come after me. He targeted our 14 year old son instead, then killed himself about a week later in another state. My child’s body was not found till 2 weeks after he was kidnapped by his father, my ex. Needless to say it was a nightmare.

          My point is that they do not come with signs tattooed on their foreheads….This Guy/Gal is dangerous. Actually, I did think narc cheater ex would come after me if he went after anyone. I could not envision that narc cheater ex would kill the one person he loved most in the world. I now know that that faux devotion was a facade. He did not have the capacity for love…..period. I wonder if any of these cluster “B” denizens of the narc freakiziod underworld do. Which further makes me wonder if anybody is really safe around them. After all they all have to “win” at any cost. Stealing from their families, cheating on their spouses, denigrating and abusing everyone in their families with their selfish actions. They seem to have no capacity for compassion whatsoever. It’s a pretty short leap to doing bodily harm or worse.

          Are they all possible murderers? Probably not, but they certainly do not come labeled…..SAFE!

          At this point I avoid them like the plague.

          • Oh Tessie,

            I remember when I first read your story. It shocked me beyond words then, and it shocks me beyond words now. It always will, I think. My head and heart are full but nothing expresses adequately what I would want to convey. I wish I could. I wish I could capture the horror I feel at the cruelty, the barbarism, the selfishness, the pure evil. The disgust at the final act of killing himself to avoid the consequences of his actions. My total sorrow for you and your son to have found yourselves at the mercy of a monster masquerading as a human.

            I haven’t the words Tessie, but know I’m profoundly moved.

            Even wishing you peace seems trite, but I do x

            • from one mother who lost her child to another. my heart hurts for you!! i wish i could just give you a hug. God Bless you and your family.

  • kjpfeif, I am so very sorry you and your family had to go through a horrendous nightmare. Based on your posts, I am pleased that you all seem to have come out okay. Your story further confirms that we truly do not have any control over anyone’s behavior. We can only control ourselves. Your mother is indeed courageous. She knows her worth.

  • The OW in my case was a work colleague of my partner. “Colleague” is a loose term, given that they were working in a call centre at minimum wage and she was his ‘supervisor’. A fat, chain-smoking, tarty bitch who when cornered, unleashed a tirade of vitriol and revealed herself to be criminally-minded. Long story.

    How did an educated, somewhat intelligent woman like me end up with a partner who was working at minimum wage…that’s an issue to be dealt with in therapy [my former habit of taking in helpless waifs and getting them back on their feet – not going there again]. Enough to say, I was lonely, divorced and fell for his sparkles.

    In any case, my helpless waif partner turned out to be a con man with a history of violence and fraud, but I was taken by the sparkles, which he was very good at. He in fact came from a line of talented actors. I didn’t know this. but instead chose to believe I’d found a diamond in the rough who was going to make something of himself.

    Sadly, he hooked up with this OW who shared his propensity for literally wanting to assume someone else’s identity, and their money, and their property, everything. These two schemed behind my back for 18 months, living in my home when I was away on business. I knew nothing of her at the time. When time dragged on, and he wouldn’t just leave [because living with me was just too damned comfortable] she started pressuring him to execute their plan.

    He almost always cooked dinner, because I had a professional job with long hours and he was doing 6 hours a day at a lousy call centre. So, as an artist, he had access to all sorts of paints and dyes. He started slowly poisoning me with yellow-dye-laced curries. It was only when we started having heavily-spiced dishes 3x a week that I began to develop chronic symptoms – aching hands and feet, headaches, mental fog. I thought menopause was getting the best of me. Not.

    I began to notice a few red flags, but he was a grand actor indeed. Just when I would get feeling ignored, he would be attentive. He took on extra “hours” at work…but then, why did his payslips show no increase? He used to pack his bag late at night for work – and I observed him sneaking rolls of tissue into it – why take TP to work? (The OW was dirt poor – he probably supplied her with household items for months). He always took a shower as soon as he came home, without even stopping to say hello. Duh. Some of us can be blind!

    So, when his anonymous work colleague tipped me off about the affair, I put a keylogger on my computer, which cheapo cheater always used. That instantly revealed his treachery. I found her name and email. I found her Ebay site where she was actively selling things stolen from my home. I found her selling her used underwear on websites. She was a piece of work. I resolved to get one over on them. As an aside, I printed off everything I could from the ebay sales and she was eventually forced to compensate me for the items stolen.

    So, when I plotted his “dumping” I did it carefully and locked him out one day, bagged all his crappy possessions, and left them on a street corner. I called him to let him know the jig was up.

    Unfortunately I let him in the house one more time – oh the “pick me” dance was alive and well…but he actually had come to cause me harm. He held me at knifepoint for about six hours, raged at me, and I think it was only the fact he was a complete chickenshit that he didn’t do me in. My neighbour heard him screaming at me (fortunately neighbour was a paramedic who worked the late shift and who had the balls to call the cops) and the cops came and took him away.

    What was most dramatic about all this was that within about three or four days of his arrest, I began to feel physically much better. I mentioned this to the cops. They said to go get some blood tests. Turns out my lead levels were very high. The doc said so high that someone must be doing it deliberately. Anyway, the follow-on to that issue is long and rather dull, but I know for sure it was Ex and the OW deliberately trying to kill me – he was named on my life insurance and knew it. I bet if I’d died, they’d have taken over my life and home (I live alone in a foreign country) and no one would ever have known any better.

    Three years later, I feel fine. My life is normal again. Good job, good friends. I occasionally have a laugh about it – thinking how stupid a lonely divorced woman like me could have been. I now have come to like myself a lot.

    The OW was so damned arrogant and stupid that even after she was questioned by the cops, she continued to write nasty emails to me. Just complete crazy vitriol. Again, I kept it all until enough was enough and I engaged counsel to get a restraining order against both of them. Cost me a fair sum in legal fees, but felt good. Their “careers” are still rock bottom and they’ve popped out two kids – living in abject poverty, and have managed to appear on one of those trash TV shows, fighting about their “sexless” relationship.

    I guess the reason for writing this is to make anyone out there who thinks that the concept of “OW/OM” is just someone who fucks your partner…no it’s not. It can get very complicated. These people have far more than stealing your partner on their minds sometimes. Be very cautious about engaging with them, for they can out-evil you easily. They will try to ruin your reputation, your peace of mind, your very life. This is why NC must also be that you just disappear from their radar. They are often predators who just. simply. like. destroying. other. people.

    • Thank you for this..another story that reminds chumps that we are not dealing with good- people-who-were-confused, but with mean, deceiving idiots who do not care that they put their spouses and families in real danger.

      • Yes, real tragedy can happen as a consequence of affairs. Betty Broderick, and the dentist, was it Clara Harris?, that ran over the cheater with her car. Both these cheaters, and the OW in Betty Broderick’s case, mind fucked the chumps and Mr. Dentist played the pick me game, writing “comparison lists” for the chump on how she could improve herself and be more like the OW. I’m surprised that more tragedies don’t occur. It’s chilling.

    • Also, thanks from me for telling your story Marci. Shocking and dreadful that it is. I just had my heart broken, that was bad enough, to have to face the complete betrayal and danger you were in from the person you had every right to believe loved and cared for you back – I don’t know how you managed to survive it once you found out the extent of his deceit and malice.

      Out of interest, did any charges of attempted murder get brought against these two scumbags (and that is being unkind to scum to give them that name)?

      I am so glad that you’ve picked yourself up from that awful trauma and are sounding happy in your life now – that’s so good. Best wishes for your continued happiness and peace. x

      • Jayne,
        No, the CPS in this country is very loath to bring charges in domestic cases, simply because there are no witnesses, and sometimes because they are too unsophisticated or lazy to pursue something. They had all the evidence they needed in the poisoning case, but they did not proceed, much to the frustration of the police involved. The knife incident was unwitnessed and he managed to get the knife back in the drawer when they pounded on the door. He denied everything, of course.

        The local cops did take certain matters into their own hands, but I cannot say exactly what and how. All I can say is that their actions did give me some satisfaction but at the end of the day, I have had to watch my back since then. I would not put anything past those two. However, if staying off the public airwaves is the price I pay, then so be it. My life is good. And when I realised his treachery, I found it quite simple to “switch teams” and start loathing him. He was a scheming criminal, plain and simple.

        I did get in touch with his ex-wife, however, during the poisoning investigation. Turns out she, too, had a similar experience in feeling physically ill when he was around, then feeling much better after he left. We actually met and compared notes. We both know he tried to do us in. And the OW will get her comeuppance, I imagine.

        • Thank you for telling your story Marci, when you said “He held me at knifepoint for about six hours, raged at me, and I think it was only the fact he was a complete chickenshit that he didn’t do me in.” It brought many memories back. My ex pulled a gun, threatened suicide and then raged at me while pointing the gun at me. I could see him deciding if he could get away with killing me. Lucky for me he decided he couldn’t. He was drunk and it could so easily have gone the other way, I talked him into emptying the gun. Last time I saw him outside court he was chasing me to my car with the gun in hand. I’ve said many times I am very lucky my ex is afraid of jail, that’s why my PO works. And no, the cops didn’t arrest him for it – they call it “he said, she said”. No witnesses, no arrest – this despite the fact he the loaded gun was loose in the trunk of his car. He did get a DUI because he was so sure I would not call the cops he went for more alcohol. That gave me time to convince a magistrate to have his mental health evaluated and to get a protective order in place. PS: abusers do not really “go into a rage”, it’s an excuse for their behavior, they later blame on you, or on some inner demon, or their childhood; this is so they can be a martyr, a “broken” person that only YOU can help. Utter bullshit.

          • OMG DAT – I didn’t know he’d threatened you with a gun AGAIN! WTF??? How scary is that there isn’t really any protection against these freaks? How is it possible, now in the 21st century, that domestic abuse still gets a blind eye from the authorities? Surely, if I came to visit US (or you came to visit UK) and some raving lunatic started waving a gun at us, the police wouldn’t take this ‘he said, she said’ attitude – surely? It’s all a big lie isn’t it? I understand you got a P.O. but Christ, how can this be happening that he could still be getting his jollies by doing it again – outside a Courthouse! I totally get he did it because he knew it was an offence that got to you – but come on – where the fuck were the people you PAY TAXES for?? OOOOOOhh – I’m mad about that!

            • Depends on the state, your socioeconomic status, and whether or not you are in law enforcement, I think.

              In Texas, for example, if you are white and middle-class, police are more reluctant in these kind of “nasty divorce” things to even process you, and there’s about zero chance you will see the inside of a courtroom if you hire a lawyer if there are not witnesses.

              Now, if you are a poor minority, you would probably get arrested, an you might even go to trial and be convicted.

              If you are a police officer, you pretty much need to kill somebody before anybody will even consider a circumstantial case, for sure. And if it’s just DV and nobody dies, witnesses may not be enough.

              They do tend to frown on police officers who brutally rape women they do not know, though. If there are witnesses to the assault and a rape kit is processed. One of those on trial here. Nice guy.

              • Thanks for that TimeHeals,

                D’y know, I’ve long come to the conclusion that Democracy doesn’t exist anywhere on the planet, despite the fob-off that it does.

                With disheartening regularity, stories of some poor bugger being murdered in a DV case – despite a history of calls for police intervention, turn up on the news here too. Periodically the talking classes / media / MP’s call for a re-think about the situation, but I’m so sick to the back teeth of hearing ‘lessons need to be learned’. Trouble is, I’ve no answer for it. Because I don’t believe democracy actually exists, I’ve lost faith in demonstrations or even voting, frankly – as Douglas Adams used to say – (paraphrased) – you’re being asked to choose between lizards. In the end, I think all MP’s (or Statesmen, or whatever) are mere puppets put there as hopium (Karl Marx had a handle on opium for the masses – he blamed religion, I blame the illusion of actually having any say whatsoever in your own society) by the true power-brokers, in order to pacify the plebs.

                I know I’m being majorly negative here, but I have to – otherwise I’d self-combust in a massive conflagration of impotent outrage!

                It’s probably best I don’t do politics – I’d probably get piles 😀

            • Mind you – I do have to acknowledge ‘people power’ and ‘lobbying’ and just downright determination has eventually led to the ‘Hillsborough Football Disaster’ being re-examined. It only took 15 years to do so, and the survivors and the families (even the people of our good city were denigrated by the ‘wonderful’ Mayor of London) have been vilely defamed and pilloried before continued pressure had them looking at the evidence again, and hopefully (court case still on-going) impartially and truthfully. So, I shouldn’t be so skeptical about the power of demonstrations, should I? Though ‘Occupy Wall Street’ should have had a much bigger impact than it did.

              Anyway, I’ll shut up about politics now. Other than the whole injustice engendered in the societal attitude to DV, the lack of ANY real laws that would protect the Chump from the disordered spouse – this isn’t really the forum for political rages!

              Sorry about that everyone – normal service will soon resumed 🙂

              • Sorry – just have to address the typo – 25 YEARS – not 15 years.

                OK – I’m done!

    • Jesus McFucking Christ – he was trying to kill you by poisoning you!?
      This, my dear friends, is why you NEVER trust them to do anything for you, or to spackle and say ‘he/she would never do that’ – because they can, and will.

      • Lania,
        The disturbing thing is, the investigating officers said (and they were in their 50’s, so had seen it all) that they think a lot of people do in their relatives this way. It is insidious, hard to prove — because the person gradually deteriorates. In the case of lead poisoning, I had to go on chelating drugs to rid my system of it. I worried for ages about brain damage, and indeed did feel compromised in my thinking for quite a while. The doctors said not to worry, but how does one measure the after-effects of such a thing? I find that recently I’m back to my old self in the office, and able to handle complex issues again. For quite a while, it was my biggest concern that I might be left disabled but unable to prove why.

        Always cook for yourself and pour your own drinks 🙂

  • The OW in my case was such a chicken shit she wouldn’t have ever had the balls to confront me or send me an email. She was afraid of me as well she should have been. If my X marries her it will be his 7th time down the aisle. Now there’s a guy who takes his commitments seriously.

    I can only imagine what they tell people in the city they moved to how their twu luv started. I’m sure they leave out the part that he was married at the time and would put his wedding ring in his ashtray before fucking her in a seedy hotel.

    As I mentioned here before I read an email exchange between the two. My sister died of breast cancer and I had a mammogram come back scary. After several more tests they found out I was okay. Husband must have told her because she wrote that she was SoooOOOoo happy to hear that my results came back good. Gawd, what a fucking phony freak. She’s the kind of person who gives everyone cutesy poo nicknames. And talk about a downgrade! She is hideously homely. XH needs Viagra with her. Never needed it with me. He cheats on her and lies to her and she’s fine with all of it. He finally found a slutpig who will put up with him. I know it’s not very Meh but I hate her guts. That was something that I thought about a lot. How would you like to do something so terrible to another unsuspecting human being that they despise and loath you forever. That can’t be good energy surrounding her. One cool Karma thing is she just gets uglier and fatter. Every picture I see of her is worse than the last.

    • “One cool Karma thing is she just gets uglier and fatter. Every picture I see of her is worse than the last.”

      yep!! same with my XH MOW. she is getting fatter and fatter. probably because she controls his every action, move and thought. AND because they both are alcoholics. she is short and a beer belly from hell. why is it that people like her always think that just because they can squeeze into a pair of pants that are small, that they are tiny? dont they own a mirror?

      dontcha just love it when the downgrade gets even downer graded.

      but he thinks she treats him sooOOoo much better then i ever did.

  • Final OW to this day acts like a victim. The one time I spoke to her in person (the other times I saw her she ran away-not kidding) she was a complete snotty bitch and acted like it was me who had done something wrong. Then again, I make her VERY nervous, which makes me laugh. Best part is that she’s unfortunate looking, not terribly bright and thinks she got a prize, despite knowing that he was banging other women while banging her. I wish her well – she’s going to need it. He’s a needy little twerp.

    • OMG!! i love it when they run away!! this chick loves to talk shit to me on the phone but when i jumped in my truck and went over, (i was trying to get the parenting class certification he had so the divorce would go thru and he was staling) she was already trying to drive off. i pulled up in front of her and got out of my truck and she actually backed up and drove his truck off the curb to get away from me. hahaha. i seriously laughed my ass off. and this was after she told me she “respected him” WTF? doesnt respect HIS truck enough not to cause damage by jumping the curb but i guess my respect means something different. *shrugs* AND *laughs outloud*

      • Laughing and shrugging with you, Mrs. Vain! I would have loved to been you that day. Reminds me of Mrs Rose taking out Mr Rose’s little sports car. (War of the Roses) Not that I ever think of that whats-her-name- but God help her if I ever see her again! I drive a mean truck. bwahahaha

        • “I drive a mean truck.”

          hahahhaa i would love to see that too. they are all weasel, worms, cockroaches and snakes. they run away because they know they are wrong.

          i could have taken her. i could have gotten my husband back with very little effort. she has no clue how unimportant she is and how little she means to him. she thinks he loves her (after 3 months) got his name tattooed on her chest under a cheap cover up of her last boyfriend and the bitch is STILL married!!! (of course he is impressed by that tacky tattoo, i am surprised they spelled his name right) and she is his warrior and champion and protector from his mean evil XW (me) but he is just as stupid as she is. when the shit goes down, he runs and she will be a runner too. i am glad she is there for him thou, keeps him out of my hair.

  • Tessie please accept my sincere sympathy for what you went through, being betrayed by a cheater is painful enough, the monsters in our cases took it to a whole other level of subhuman behaviour! I wish I could give you (and everyone else who has been thrust into this club) a big hug!
    Someone asked me why my parents had a pre-nup, the ironic thing is, the pre-nup was my dad’s idea! My dad comes from quite a wealthy family and pre-nups are considered standard, the infidelity clause applied to both parents, if either was unfaithful the other would get everything. It makes it even more baffling that my dad would then choose to risk it and have an affair! But I honestly believe that he never thought he would be found out. Years of counselling (and the insightful words of many a wise chump) taught me that his sense of entitlement made him believe that he could have it all, his perfect family at home and his office cake. He grossly underestimated the ruthlessness of his cakey work whore! I mentioned in my original post that I have this memory of my dad proudly declaring that he was happy to have four daughters and no sons because he ‘loved being the only man in the house’. I always thought it was a statement of love and pride, but with hindsight I can see glimpses of the narcissist inside him, he probably enjoyed being the only man in our house because it made him more special and important! That has to be one of the most painful things about infidelity, the way it makes you question even the happiest of memories. I once thought my childhood was perfect, but now I look back and see the cancerous rot of deceit has tarnished everything.
    I’m sorry if I seem flippant about the ultimate fate of my dad and his mistress. What happened was nothing short of a nightmare. Our road to recovery has been arduous, the stigma followed us for years (we eventually moved to another city just so we could start fresh) I can look back now and discuss it with a detached outlook, but for a long time I couldn’t even talk about it.
    I wish the OW, or even women who are entertaining the thought of pursuing a married man would come and read this blog and all the comments. They need to see for themselves the pain that they are responsible for causing. And I hope they get out before they end up six feet under!

    • Kjp…Wow what an incredible story you have told here. I was fascinated by it. That might make a good book and you are an excellent writer…this coming from a journalism major.

      Your telling about how you thought you had a wonderful childhood then finding out years later, maybe not. This. The Truth of Infidelity.
      That’s how I felt about my cheater husband. I honestly thought we had a great marriage and that we were totally devoted to each other. His affair came out of nowhere (he rolls like this…idolize, demonize, discard) After I found out I truly believed with all my heart that it was all one, big, fat, fake, lie marriage. I had a fake marriage, a fake life and had a fake husband.

      I couldn’t believe how I had been conned.

    • Thanks KJP. The recovery here has been tough too, kind of like peeling an onion. I am keeping you and your family, indeed all the chump nation in my prayers tonight. Blessings Friends……….

  • It’s too bad affairs aren’t entered into court cases. The family court system is such a money maker anyway it baffles me why they wouldn’t allow betrayal in. Just think if all the money they are missing out on this one! And all the light shone on the idiots. If this ever came to to pass in the court systems, maybe it would make the spouse put on their big girl/boy pants on and have an adult conversation with their spouse BEFORE the affair about them not being happy and wanting out. Yes, I know – I’m hoping for waaaaay too much. Wishful thinking.

  • “If I could only tell you the constant number of ways I’ve bent over backwards”

    Oh God please don’t.

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