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Trickle Truth, It’s Neither Trickle Nor Truth

thongAdd to the list of Reconciliation Industrial Complex euphemisms I despise — “trickle truth.”

I’ve ranted about “wayward” before and the “fog,” but it only recently occurred to me that “trickle truth” is equally moronic… or Orwellian. (Moronically Orwellian? Deviously Orwellian? Anyway…)

“Trickle truth” is like “truthiness,” the term comedian Stephen Colbert coined for the rebranding of lies, omissions, and bullshit.

What is trickle truth? Well, if you’ve spent any time on reconciliation boards, you’ve read about it. The narrative usually goes like this:

“I found a receipt in Elmore’s pocket for a hotel stay. At first he denied he’d ever been to that hotel. When confronted, he said ‘Oh, I was there for a conference.’ Alone? Yes. But I’d also found a dinner for two receipt. Who spends $176 by themselves at Outback Steakhouse? Okay, he was with a ‘friend’. She later came to his room because hers didn’t have a Gideon Bible and his did. And she needed help with her Bible verses because she always says her prayers at night before bed.

I felt uneasy. But who was I to question a good man helping a woman out with Psalms? Then I checked the cell phone bill. I guess she needed help with Proverbs, Corinthians, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John too because there were thousands of text messages between them. He admitted they’d been talking, but it wasn’t what I thought! They were just friends!

I think he’s having an affair. Perhaps it’s only emotional at this point, but I don’t know. Clearly, he’s paralyzed with shame about it, so he’s trickle truth-ing me. Only admitting to the things I have evidence of. It’s driving me CRAZY. I know this is a very difficult time for him, and my questions trigger self-loathing in him, so he can’t spit it all out. But I want to know what happened! I’ve read here that trickle truth goes on for months and I should just be patient while he comes out of the fog. This is killing me!”

Let’s call trickle truth what it is — continued lies by omission.

Really at best trickle truth is leaving out the damning crap you haven’t discovered yet. It’s also minimization (she’s just a friend!) and  gaslighting (I wasn’t at the hotel!) — and chumps spackle the entire thing into a phenomena they call “trickle truth.”

No — trickle truth is just a continuation of cheater think and entitlement. They enjoy the power of their secrets. They feel entitled to keep the truth from you. They feel entitled to misrepresent their affairs and lead you to believe it’s harmless and you’ve misunderstood them. If you want to get ANYTHING off this cheater, you’re going to have to work for it! And then they’ll deny and soft pedal what you found.

They aren’t “trickling” the truth in dribs and drabs. They’re throwing you off their scent. It isn’t shame that makes them withhold information — it’s wanting you to get the fuck off their backs so they can have more cake.

There’s no truth in trickle truth at all, except for the truth YOU discovered.

Truth doesn’t trickle. It’s told. Anything else is just more mindfuckery.

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    • I once had an entire argument with Stbx over the word deception. I had once again caught him in a lie. He hemmed and hawed. Then he said he would try to be ”transparent” ( I detest that fucking word!) He then said it wasn’t a lie just a deception. I said that IS lying. We went back and forth till I got the Websters out and read him the definition. He did trickle down truth about EVERYTHING. He is a pathological liar. He actually admitted it once,to my face! I am just now, one year out from separation, going through a painfully slow divorce (he wants a legal separation on religious and moral grounds) WTF! And getting an idea of the full picture. What a complete fucking mess. :'(

      • Yeah… “Transparent”… Code for “insert lie here”. I really don’t ever want to hear that word again as long as I live. And that’s just one of the many pathetic expressions right out of the playbook Crapweasel spouted. Truly, is there some website that mind fucked midlife crisis husbands go to to learn all the standard expressions to use? Because I’ve been listening to (and reading in court papers) this bullshit doublespeak for the last eighteen months since our separation, and I could swear I hadn’t heard nearly as much in the entire 34 year marriage total! And I really want a play by play response primer for all of the Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

        • OMG! I, too, have argued entire evenings over the meaning of words, such as LIE or LYING, and phrases like “deposited the check” being different from “I’m at the bank” (after they’re closed in the parking lot). And he had the balls to say, “I’m so tired of arguing with you.” Yes, that’s it. It’s me. I’m so thick-headed that I just can’t get it.

          Until I came to CL, I would still be arguing over word and action meanings. It drove me insane. But, now I know it’s a game with him. I wanted to make him understand, but as CL says ‘he already does.’ Game over.

          Love this: “Transparent”… Code for “insert lie here”. That’s hilarious!

      • I hope after you read him the definition, you hit him really hard over the head with that dictionary and I hope it was a hard cover, extended version of it! then ask him if he got it now? if not smack him again even harder!

  • I found out about my affair and caught a flight the next morning to confront her. I anticipated the trickle truth, so I convinced the friend that my my ex-wife confided in about the affair to be there at the confrontation.

    So, there I was, with my STD medical symptoms (curable) and her friend. We knocked on the door and confronted her totally unannounced.

    She denied it the entire evening and said “we were only kissing.” Seriously. It took her days later and my moving out for her to admit to cheating. SHe assured me he was the only one.

    Then, her hairdresser let slip about another guy. The now ex wife denied that, too. I’ll never really care enough to pull together the amount of proof needed for her to admit to that. I’m out.

    Toodle-loo to that cluster B histrionic nightmare.

    • yup, its always the “we just kissed, only one time” when in reality they did much much more than kissing, repeatedly and for a long time.

      • Mine said they “only” made out once, then it was 2 times, but stopped right before they were about to have sex. I never believed that. They really do think we are stupid.

        • of course! I mean really, they just kiss, make out once, okay okay maybe twice, but hey they stop and don’t have sex you know… Yes, obviously they really do think we are that stupid and my answer to that is, if they think we are that stupid, then they are much stupider than they think we are.

          • Mine said, shit you not, ” co worker and I did everything BUT sex.”
            As of oral and anal do not count as sex since his penis technically never entered her vagina.

            • WHOA!! DOUBLE WHOA!!!

              I just spit my tea all over my computer!!

              Anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing in front of your partner with someone else is cheating! Whether its holding hands, kissing, secretly texting, talking and hiding it from one’s partner is cheating, let alone putting his dick into someone’s ANY orifices and I don’t care if its oral, anal or whatever, it’s still sex, it’s still cheating! I mean you can’t make this shit up. It’s amazing to me with all the excuses, justifications and THIS ^^^^ shit like these cheaters just come up with that’s just mind blowing. I so hope that you told your loser cheater to fuck off!! SSMH…

      • My ex “confessed” to his current married gf being his good friend helping him through all of this (the divorce) Not being the reason for the divorce. He didn’t fess up to his previous affair with a married woman. This woman’s husband did though and filled me in on everything.

    • My X did the “we just made out” thing too, I was supposed to believe this after knowing that they swapped nudey pics several times, he visited her in her hotel room and didn’t leave until the next morning. She never confessed to more than “making out”, just bailed on MC and the marriage after that, probably a good thing for me.

      I gotta believe mine also suffers from histrionic tendencies. Just this morning I was trying to count the number of guy “friends” she has that have all at one point or another told her that they love her. I lost count after 5 or 6.

      • Mine did the slept with her thing, because I caught then in bed together, and he said “nothing happened”, then made some big deal to our friends about how I’d merely caught them in bed naked together and jumped to conclusions.

        What an idiot!

    • ” it was ONLY an emotional affair. we never had sex.” Kissing, making out, blow jobs do not constitute a physical affair, nope, not at all. So really what they did was not that bad at all, ha! I am so thrilled to be divorced from that loser.

      • I got this from both STBX and the OW: “We never had sex, in the 3 years we’ve been together”. Hmmm. Well, they’re not counting everything else they did. They were in motel rooms together; and all they did was touch each other “down there”. So..what constitutes sex??

        • ya of course not! LOL! 2 grown ups, meet in motel rooms for 3 years, but they don’t have sex, just touch each other down there? LMAO!!! :))) who the fuck are they kidding?? that’s has to be one of the lamest crock of shit I have ever heard in my life! Are they that retarded, they actually told you that and expected you to believe that shit?? DANG!! I guess the pigs were really flying huh? 🙂

    • My ex became very indignant at the suggestion that he might have actually had sex with OW, because “he would never have sex with another man’s wife.” LOL, yeah, right! He then switched to they “only had sex once,” and he “was trying to help her with her troubled marriage.” Ha! I guess balling her repeatedly while a babysitter watched her two young sons was just an earnest attempt to restore her marriage.

      I know about a lot of really bad stuff my ex did, but I also know that there is a lot of much worse stuff I DON’T know about. It’s probably better that way.

      • Same here. I don’t mind if someones mentions something from a while ago that I wasn’t sure about and sheds some light. Reminds me I wasn’t crazy like he said. Doesn’t bother me , I laugh at how sad it is really. I’m glad I don’t know it all, I’ve finally hit that point where I know it’s better that way.

    • “we were only kissing”

      Holding hands is a physical affair, in my book.

      Caught my ex doing this once, quite a few years ago, and kind of blotted it out in my mind as him holding her hand. As though it were somehow not reciprocal.

      I don’t distinguish anymore between physical and emotional affairs. Evidence of an emotional affair is enough to send me packing these days (I hope…haven’t had to test myself on this yet).

  • When I found out about the second affair, my ex told me about, what he later referred to as a Red Herring, (his tattoo artist) to throw me off the real AP’s trail. It wasn’t until I discovered the secret email account and confronted him that he admitted anything.

  • I find it to be so much better to just rip the bandage off quickly rather than peel it off slowly. Why can’t cheaters get that? Oh yeah, because it is not their pain and it is all about them.

    • This is what finally opened my eyes to the fact that it was all about respect. Respect me enough to tell me the truth when confronted. Bad enough that you told me lies to begin with. Worse if you continue lying even after I find evidence. Total disrespect. That’s the moments I called it quits.

  • Yes, it is Get the F Off My Back and
    I Don’t Have To Tell You and
    You’re Not The Boss Of Me.

    Of all of them, the last attitude gives away the Cluster B entitlement.

  • I never really confronted him about the affair until I told him that we were getting a divorce. That said, I gave him plenty of opportunities to confess by noting irregularities in things like credit applications, etc.

    I hesitate to say that he engaged in trickle truth. That implies there’s some truth to trickle. What trickled out was a lie, but with a small bit of the truth that I already knew.

    Even when I told him I knew about the affair, his first words were not, “Oh, kb. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you” or “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but ILYBIDLY.” Nope, his first words were, “And your point is…?”

    Truth is never coming from that source.

    • Ouch. That’s pretty cold.
      My x shouted “I guess you just want me to be alone now!” after I’d contacted his AP because I wasn’t getting any truth from him. So self-centered. The lies and disrespect hurt way more than the fact that he wasn’t in love with only me.

    • Because mine ended his affair himself to come “back” to me, his classic line has been, “What’s the big deal?” My response was, “a big enough deal that the sexual harassment officer at your work was interested in talking to you.”

  • I enjoyed the post. I have been “trickled truthed” to the point I don’t believe anything he says anymore. When I first saw the OW’s name on his phone, he admitted to flying to Germany to see her for a week, but he said he didn’t sleep with her, but he would is she wanted him too, whatever that meant. I didn’t file because I wasn’t sure an EA was enough to divorce and I kinda’ felt sorry for him, getting caught on facebook with an old GF.
    He was supposed to cut off all contact, but of course she was still phoning him. Little did I know that he set up a secret facebook account to keep the affair going for months after we were supposed to be reconciling. When I finally found the facebook account, right after our 20th anniversary, I also found a photo of them on a beach together from the romantic cruise they took. All the while I was thinking he hadn’t slept with her, he was just playing me. When I confronted him with the picture of their cruise vacation he said “I thought you knew I was sleeping with her.” Like only a boob would have believed him in the first place. More things have trickled out since, but I let him live in the guest bedroom for two years until I finally got him out and filed for divorce.
    I keep reminding myself that if I had known he was on a cruise with another woman, I would have put his stuff on the street and changed the locks before he returned. For some reason, the truth trickling out just kept this dead marriage going for much longer than it should have. Thank you for posting this, I know I am not the only one that has dealt with this evasive form of lying.

    • “Like only a boob would have believed him in the first place.”

      Yes! In response to “how could you do this?” I got, “well, you were easy to take advantage of” as if trusting my husband of 16 years and father of my children (and not being able to mind read what he was keeping secret) was some kind of flaw of mine. Later on, his feelings were hurt when he got wind that I was thinking of him as not a “good guy.” You can’t have it both ways, buddy!

    • OMG. How did you keep your sanity allowing him to live in the guest bedroom for 2 years before filing? I had to spend a few hours with my cheater the other night at a middle school function, and it took me 48 hours to recover.

  • Ah, the trickle truth phenomenon. My ex definitely did that to me, to the point where I was dreading what would come popping out next. A good example, the one where he went to a movie with Bill, I go to pay the credit card bill and look at the statement and ask why there was the price for two tickets there. “Oh, I bought snacks there.” For exactly the price of two tickets? No. And if even if that were true, there would be two separate charges, because you can’t buy snacks at the ticket counter or vice versa. “Oh, I guess I bought Bill’s ticket.” Did he ever admit that he took AP to the movies? Nope. But you know and I know that’s who he was with, and not Bill!

    One of the most astounding examples was after we were divorced, he was telling me about how he couldn’t get a job (so he wouldn’t have to pay child support) and I said, “Why don’t you go back to Job A?” which was a job he had before he met me, many many years ago, that he always talked about that he had enjoyed, and he had quit it because he had decided to go back to school. At one point, he had even told me he regretted going back to school, should have stayed at Job A, probably could have gotten a higher position there, etc. He looked at me and said, “I can’t. They fired me.” He had lied to me about that job for our entire relationship!

  • SO true, CL! Only coping to what is clearly evident is part of the traumatic experience of it all. I suspect they think we, chumps, are that dumb that we will continue believing them after they’ve been caught in their lies. Seriously?!

    Instead of “trickle truth” let’s call it “trickle lying” as that is what it is. Maybe if we labelled things properly, we would actually make progress towards actual healing…oh, that’s right…it’s not about healing the chump but about maintaining cake!

    • Brilliant! It is trickle LYING, and not trickle “truth.” And while they are trickle lying, you can almost literally see the wheels turning in their little pathological cluster-B filled heads as they try to figure out how far they have to go (or conversely how far they DON’t have to go), and how gullible you are going to be (again). Sigh…….

  • Trickle truth = gusher lying. There may be a trickle of truths, but they are hard to find in the torrent of lies.

    At some point, it is not worth trying to find the infinitesimal volume of truth.

    In the radio/electronic world we called this the signal to noise ratio. Too much noise makes the signal unusable.

    • I like this. There’s too much noise in their responses.

      Better to abandon the weak signal and find a stronger one elsewhere.

  • Oh yeah! That’s exactly what my cheating, pathological lying, deadbeat mooch scum bag ex did to me for a long time. This fucker was so good at it, he would look me right in the eye, deny blatantly and then get mad at me for not believing his outrages lies. He would sit there lie, deny, omit or do half-truths. He would tell me 6 things, one truth, 5 lies and since one thing is proved to be the truth so the next 5 things he told me (lies ) must be truths too, he will emphasize on that strongly, “see”. He would just sat there and deny repeatedly that he ever called any of the OW’s, finally when I got a hold of the cell logs he had the balls to tell me it wasn’t him who made those calls and he never took their calls on his own fucking cell phone, that he had no idea how those calls were on his cell logs, that he doesn’t remember those calls ever being made or talking to them. Then he said it must have been his brother, WTF!! His brother has his own fucking cell phone, my ex was a truly a scum bag! I’ve never seen anyone who outright deny something, even with solid proof that he was lying. He also would never admit to anything, deny repeatedly, continue lying, half-truths, omitting until I had proof then he would try to spin that with “rebranding of his lies.” He would swore up and down he told me the truth, all of it, there was nothing else then until the next discovery. Looking back I can’t believe how I put up with so much bullshit for so long. He was/is an expert on gaslighting which is an emotional/mental abuse, which he inflicted on me so callously. I so wish I had dumped his ass right away instead of putting up with his “trickle truth” and mindfuckery. I will tell you one thing though, once I had enough (not quick enough) and kicked his cheating, lying, deadbeat ugly fucktard ass to the curb I’ve never been more happier and so peaceful!!

    • I believe you. I literally watched my ExH run a drill bit down my dining room table in a narcissistic rage when I refused to believe his lies. Then he turned around and tried to gaslight me by telling me he didn’t do it! Any time I didn’t believe him, he raged at me and my kids so it qS easier to just agree. He would look me dead in the eye and lie to me. He didn’t even flinch. He was a firefighter, so similar to your ex, he told me one of his other FF buddies used his cell phone to call his GF. He would often point out the other FFs who were cheating on their wives, assuring me all the while that he found it distasteful and couldn’t stand it.

      • Sc, looking back, now I can see clearly he was trying to keep me confused with his extreme gaslighting, making me second guess myself so he could continue eating cake. I found out he is/was a serial cheating, pathological lying loser and he used the same gaslighting techniques/ lines with his ex-wife, all his ex-girlfriends and since it worked so well for him in the past he was using it on me. He even told the same story to me he told his ex-wife concerning the OW. “that whore is lying just to break us up, she was stalking me relentlessly, nothing happened anyways, it was just one kiss” etc. word by word among other things. He started doing ,saying things then he will deny we had that conversation, he never said that, I was crazy, my mind was going crazy, it was all in my head, so I ended up buying a voice activated recorder and the very next time he tried to tell me that we never had that discussion or he never said that, I brought the recording out, clicked play and made him listen to himself saying the things he just said he never said, it was priceless and sickening at the same time. He pretended that he didn’t remember, playing dumb, so I told him I guess he was the crazy one. It’s funny my cheating fucktard also *often point out the other guys who were cheating on their wives, gf’s assuring me all the while that he found it distasteful and couldn’t stand it* either.

      • My ex did a version of that Sc, he would tell me how his buddies were cheating on their wives, but he added a neat twist to it–he would tell me that his cheating buddies used him as a “cover” and would tell their then-wives they were out with my ex instead of out with their AP’s.

        I did not realize until well after our divorce was final that this was his way of countering any potential rumors I might end up hearing about my own then-husband with other women. I never heard them but he obviously feared I would.

        These guys really think they are secret squirrel.

      • My super disgusting asshole perverted alcoholic x-stepdad used to rant so hard about how horrible pedophiles were anytime a news story came on tv or if that topic came up anywhere, when my mother was around. Then, when just me or my sister were around him, he’d flirt with us, look down our shirts, watch us from a window while we were in the pool with our friends, say perverted things… a few years ago my stepsister told me her dad (my x stepdad), now remarried, got caught smelling his 17 year old stepdaughter’s underwear that he’d had hidden in his pocket. That whole family has now dismissed the whole incident and they’re back to the idiot being a good guy. Sometimes the person who talks the loudest about a dishonorable behavior is very likely practicing that very same behavior! Good to take note of people’s reactions!

    • ” he would look me right in the eye, deny blatantly and then get mad at me for not believing his outrages lies.”
      Yep. Same here. And he was EXCELLENT at turning it around on me to shift the blame from himself. Oh yes. I got “why don’t you just go fuck your boyfriend!” Had to deflect me knowing the truth of course. Talk about trickle truth! It was always bits and pieces of crap. “I told you that’s the one thing I’d never do to you is cheat on you”. He would say that while looking directly in my eyes. It is beyond disgusting the way these assholes act.

    • Wow, Nicolette. We were probably with the exact same guy.

      I’d catch him dead to rights and he would deny, deny, deny, deny, deny. Mindblowing.

      • If it turns out we were with the same douchebag it really wouldn’t surprise me, or same person but with different face, since it seems they are all the same, using the same handbook…

  • The ol’ sin of omission dance: Half truth, confrontation, denial with anger, response to denial with anger, louder denial with anger, response to louder denial with anger, narcissist outrage denial with anger, silence by leaving, return, begin again….half truth….

    Story of my life…

  • Oh man did I get this…When I first busted her it was a 3 month EA where they sent pictures to each other…Through investigation 3 year physical affair where she paid for everything out of credit cards she took out in my name…not to mention the other two affairs I uncovered…They know if you have all the information then the cake stops, so they try and prolong the point where you have enough information to say to yourself … “Holy shit I have to get away from this sadistic person!” … And they are all sadistic, they derive pleasure from the chumps pain and ignorance!

  • Amen!!! Thank you for debunking this one too. Of course I used this “ism” too when I thought I was working with him.
    I hate liars! Can’t stand them and don’t feel one bit sorry for them. This is my X’s MO, lies by omission. Coward.
    I’ve recently progressed in my healing, not as angry at the cheating idiot, seeing him for what he is, a perpetual liar. Always was, always will be.

    • Yes. Lies hurt me the most out of everything that went down. It broke my heart to realize how easy it is for my x to lie to me and others. I’m also very disappointed with myself for lying to myself about his lies, I betrayed myself by allowing him to continue fooling me. It’s pretty sad.

  • As a long term chump I got to the point where I had to stop trying to untangle the skein ( to quote CL ) because I think most of our marriage was subject to trickle truths.

    How many EA’s? Warnings about predatory women by almost complete strangers. He couldn’t be transparent or honest if his life was on the line. He gets off on creating his own version of how things are ( all part of the “you are not the boss of me theme ).

    Little things leaked out over the 16 years of our marriage that all eventually added up and made sense.

    It leaves the cheated on spouse to play connect the dots to try to create some sort of big picture. In the end – I walked away from the whole stinking mess and have stopped caring what is real and what isn’t in the story of our marriage.

    The saddest part is that most of the “truths” have been told to me by our children.

    • Yes! This!! My f-tard had me believing it was ME who was jealous, or insecure, or “angry” when I would question why (usualy married w/ kids) whores called him, or texted him after 9 pm. Does anyone else remember them being quite as blatantly deceiving pre-cell phone days?? They are selfish & undisciplined, and slaves to the draw of easy cheating via technology-based tools. Assholes.

      Over 17 years of “marriage,” and I couldn’t figure out why we always felt emotionally and physically disconnected, or distant, and why I had to essentially BEG for affection from his dumbass, and I just wanted to know what the hell was WRONG?! Now I know, and I’m SICK that this f-tard made me believe that something MUST have been wrong with me. Asswipe!! Do these f-tards REALLY think they can give of their emotional or physical selves to other whores, and then be amazing and connected to us emotionally and physically, too? They don’t see the DIRECT connection between their adultery and our dissatisfaction with them. Awwww. NOT. ENOUGH. KIBBLES. FROM. SPOUSE. MORE. CHEATING. NECESSARY. F-ing douchebags!!! All of them!!!

      Funny how after he abandonded me & our teen daughter to go play whore-house with that pig OW & her piglets, I’m not “angry,” or “insecure,” or even “jealous” where that douche is concerned. Why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT US!! We’re not the crazy, disordered f-tards that they are!

      “Connect the dots” is absolutely right!! I told someone it was like a murder happened, and once we’re strong enough, we have this internal pull to go back to the scene over-and-over for a while and retrace the actual steps (not the skewed ones they continue to lie about after they’re caught) and all the words exchanged, and go over the scenes to make sure we weren’t f-ing crazy!!

      One year out from DDay, almost “there” with the divorce, and although it hurts my brain to try to create order out of the dysfunctionnal f-tard’s lies and schemes over a completely wasted 24-year period, I’m still happier that the nasty, ho-worker pig whore took him off my hands. He ALWAYS had to string along some dumbass married whore to get his kibbles while I was running our family, and was actually ENGAGED in our family’s lives. Finally I’m free of his mindfucks and his demand (or else depression) for kibble supply, but giving N O T H I N G in return to me or our kids.

      My counselor told me it doesn’t matter what his f-ed up “history” of us is (now) or was; he wasn’t being authentic in the relationship. Only I was being honest and authentic as a wife, friend, lover, etc. So MY history concerning the relationship can never be looked on as a big lie. When I look back at photos, (a mind game at first) I would force myself not to see a “lie” because I WAS honest in all of those moments. Only these liar f-tards can look back and see them, or our family’s shared time, as lies. We know now that they’ll say anything to not look like the scheming, lying, hateful asswipes they really are. Remember: Image is EVERYTHING!

      And then again, EVERY moment these dipshits roam the Earth is a projected, f-ed up, half-truth = LIE. I guess in some small way, it’s better these shitheads are “soulmates” and are magnetized to each other. If for nothing else, their scheming and bullshit actually frees the really awesome partners – us – from their sub-standard offer of a “relationship” with us, or our children, and from having to be exposed to their mediocre existence longer than necessary.

  • When I found the hotel receipt on his paypal account and confronted him about it, he said that he had booked the hotel room for a co-worker’s brother who didn’t have a credit card and couldn’t book the room for himself. “Just ask Jason. He’ll tell you.” I didn’t ask Jason. Didn’t need to. Kind of telling when the hotel is half way between your work and her work.

    This was right up there with finding all of the emails between the two of them where he ended each of his saying, “Can’t wait to see you and hold you.” But, hey, those weren’t suggestive. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Just a friendly ending to a note.”

    She responded to my email to her saying that, “things have gotten a little too flirty and for that I apologize. I assure you, I have no intention of taking your husband from you.” Really? Then how come 6 weeks later my husband has asked me for a divorce and, 4 weeks after that when I have moved out of my house, you are having sex in my bed with my husband?

    I just love all the lies that get bantered around when everyone is trying to cover up what they shouldn’t be doing in the first place!

    • “I assure you, I have no intention of taking your husband from you.”

      Ah, but in a liar’s mind this is not a lie, because it’s true that they don’t intend to do it in the future. They don’t have to, because they already did it in the past.

  • They weave and web of lies, half-truths, and omissions and I (seriously) believe some of them are so abnormal they come to basically believe their own line of BS.

    Also, the web of lies is all part of the forbidden plotline, intrigue and cheater-centric drama they seem to crave so desperately.

  • Not sure if I should feel grateful or not, but my sociopath cheater confessed immediately upon my first inclination he was sleeping around (multiple fuck buddies miles from each other.)
    I suppose he did realize that I’m bright enough to not buy his bullshit and there wasn’t point in lying but I also believe that his inability to trickle truth stemmed from the fact that he actually ENJOYED telling me about ALL of his sexual escapades. Anyone dealt with this? He wasn’t necessarily gloating but had no problem sharing with me the details, and some of it I didn’t even ask about. It’s been months since I thought about this question but I wonder if this was another way of “sticking it” to me, if you will. Channeling his anger toward me. I do believe that infidelity is the ultimate “fuck you” to the other person, regardless if they fake the remorse or not. Finally, this posts reminds me of the ecard where it says that if you want to know if your spouse is cheating, you take their cell phone into the bathroom and lock the door. If they kick the door down in attempt to get it back, the answer is yes. Sad but true.

    • I have noted that many single men I have met since being single share the same habit of bragging about their previous escapades. At first, I thought I’d lucked out with a couple of loser prospects, but honestly, this is so common I’m astonished. Why would any self respecting person want to hear about this from a partner or even potential partner. It all points back to one thing – cheaters are attention whores before all else.

    • I do think anger can be involved. W has a high degree of anger just below the surface which can lash out at times over seemingly nothing. Therapist (who knows her) says W finds it very easy to blame me (Chumpguy) for all her problems. BTW, she is bi-polar. I don’t think she was unfaithful just to get back at me for something (who the heck knows what that might or might not be, but it’s our chumpish fault they were driven to do it isn’t it?). But I do think the anger can be part of the toxic cocktail that these folks seem to be guzzling from.

      • Lol, I know who you are, chumpguy. I hope you’ll read this blog often enough to realize what disordered pos she is.

        • Hey Monika,

          Do you mean you know me as in, “Your experience is very familiar and I undrstand it”, or do you think you actually know me, personally, from comments I’ve made.

          • Both, actually. I may be mistaken. I use my real first name on here too, mostly because I sincerely don’t care if I’m being identified. I hope cheater ex reaDs this blog too. I use to send him links..

    • I think they enjoy telling you about their escapades to show you how desirable they are, how lucky you are to have them, and how replaceable you are. Basically a power move to keep you off balance and insecure. It also demonstrates a complete lack of respect for you and your feelings. It sure worked on me. I was eating out of the palm of her manipulative little hand.

    • Monika, my ex lied to me repeatedly when I had suspicions about 2 women he worked with 15 years before D-Day, and I eventually believed his charming, loving declarations.

      Fast forward, I found out he was cheating with both of them, affairs, group sex, you name it. He turned immediately from a loving husband to a stone cold monster, and was GLEEFUL when he admitted what he was done, he actually was smirking at me as I wandered the house in a dazed horror. Then he walked out, made a couple half-assed attempts to talk to our 3 children, and after that even my kids never heard from him again.

      Yes, it is the ultimate FUCK YOU, and my ex had many years of passive-aggressive joy of telling me that behind my back.

  • After I had gathered very specific evidence of his ongoing affair, I calmly asked Cheater specific questions about his involvement with OW. I watched as he denied everything, became enraged, accused me of being insanely jealous, and started turning the craziness around so it was all about my “problem”. The OW was just an “innocent colleague” who “didnt deserve to be dragged into all this”. I just laughed at him.

    He strutted off only to return later, fully expecting me to have gotten over my envy, and he demanded an apology. I stayed quiet, retired to a separate room, and when he went to work the next day, I had the locks changed and delivered his miserable possessions to a nearby intersection in black plastic bags. The OW then emailed me to say they were in lurv, and how cruel I was to throw him out of a house I bought and paid for myself. I emailed back to say “you’re welcome to the asssclown, enjoy sharing your bedsit-over-a-betting-shop with the silly fool”. She replied that I was bitter. Not!

    • Erm…. Could someone please, please, please explain to me why ‘being bitter’ is worse than being a backstabbing, lying, abusive, home-wrecking arsehole? The accusation is slung like a master trump card supposed to nullify any horrendous atrocity, it appears. And I just don’t understand it! How the hell else are you supposed to feel after being abused and betrayed? All I can imagine as an alternative is some sort of docile, bovine, emotionless, brainless non-reaction – robo-cow? What is going on in the world where ‘bitter’ is the ultimate insult?

      (If you know the answer, and can explain without doublespeak, I’d be grateful …. ‘The Great I Am’ has turned me into the villain of the piece for being ‘bitter’ and he obviously gets enough nods of assent from other, one assumes, ‘sane’ people, for him to think he’s onto something re feeling bitter being the great character flaw).

      FWIW – I call an amnesty for people who are feeling bitter – in fact, I’m taking back the word and making it my own. Who wants to start our own political movement ‘Bitter Pride’ – I bagsy the colour purple (as per the famous poem about NOT growing old gracefully), cats and gin and tonic (nice bitter taste) 😀

      • Bitter Pride !!!!! Woo hoo! Sign me up:) Lol, I got the “you’re just bitter” pill to swallow also. Nope, not buying it. It’s just more gas-lighting. I called him out on his shitty behavior, so he turns the attention back to me saying I’m bitter. They lied, cheated, and manipulated, and the ONLY shade they can throw is “you’re bitter”, LOL, that’s all ya’ got?! Well ok, then crazies!

        • If “bitter” is the same as being “pissed”, well then I’m bitter. Why shouldn’t I be. Being repeatedly betrayed and lied to, being manipulated and played, you bet I’m bitter. Is that a bad thing? I think not. It’s a reaction to being manipulated.
          I have never had so many emotions in full force as I have since I found out my husband of 28 years uses prostitutes, and one “special” girl. Bitter, pissed, sad, angry, confused, sick emotionally and physically, devastated, and incredibly strong all in succession. I’ve had every emotion known to mankind this past five months. If I feel like crying, I wail! If I’m angry, I let it out! If I’m emotionally over the edge, I take a Xanax. I say let your emotions be what they are and it will eventually work itself out. you have to go through it. Do not push them deep inside to fester and be left unresolved.
          Linda

          • I agree. Do not push it down. I sure as hell didn’t. I’m over a year out from this after 12 years, so things are getting better. Just glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. I used it to get me going, now I getting to a better me every day.

      • Jayne, I got that too even now as we speak, why? because I went NC, I want nothing to do with him, I don’t want to see his face, hear his voice, he can rut! and of course he and his family( I cut them off completely too), who knew about his cheating all along by the way with the ho-worker MOW and was covering for him calls me bitter, because geez Nicolette is so bitter that she cant even be friends, after all the time we were together. Fuck that! I don’t need friends like that! According to them I am **bitter**, because I am incapable of forgiveness, the problem is not so much what he did to me for almost a decade with his cheating, lying, mooching— the problem is my reaction to it and I am one of those people who just wont forgive thus they throw the “you’re bitter” card at me. Hey which is fine with me, so fucking what? what do I say to that? I say kiss my ass!!

        And sign me up for that, I am in lol 🙂

        here is one link from Tracy, I am not sure if you read it yet, its about bitterness and forgiveness.
        http://chumplady.com/2014/04/the-forgiveness-trolls/

      • Thank – you VERY much for this post. Exactly right – bitter is worse than entitled, self-centered, deceit. Nah, don’t think so. ‘Know why? it’s a natural reaction to betrayal which was a purposeful act. Remember, no one can be betrayed by their enemies… : )

      • Great story, Jayne. (I used black trash bags too.)

        For the Bitter Parade, the leading banner could read:
        WE ARE BETTER, NOT BITTER.

        And the singular version can come in handy for us chumps when thusly accused:
        I AM BETTER, NOT BITTER.

      • No, you’re not ‘bitter’ – you’re calling people out for the shit they’re pulling.
        Disordered fucks can’t call a spade a spade, and of course can’t take the fact that they’re being called out for the fucks they are – so they have to throw you under the bus to save themselves. The alternative is to face the reality – which because of their inherent ‘wrong-wiring’ in their brains they are 100% unable to do. So therefore – they have to discredit you with any means possible – and what better way to do that than to try a character-assassination?

      • Jayne -I LOVE it!! Sign me up for the Bitter Pride Parade! CL – we need a logo for this!

        Uh-oh – better watch out. People might acuse me of being a part of some crazy Bitter Wing Conspiracy.

  • I can laugh about this now. I confronted Mr Fab (with evidence from his FBmessages) about his drinking two bottles of vodka and fucking Schmoopie while I out of town, and Light-sleeping DD was down the hall. His response, “I ONLY DID THAT ONCE!”

    Once you understand that you have been lied to, seeing how deep the sewer goes is pointless (albeit part of the wtf processing). It is all the same shade of shit.

    Love to Chump Nation
    x-Meh.

      • “Once you understand that you have been lied to, seeing how deep the sewer goes is pointless.”
        Unfortunately for me, it’s like driving by the scene of the accident..you just can’t help looking at it. I can’t help wanting to know every last detail!!

        • I am no stranger to the morbid fascination of untangling the skein of fuckuppedness. It’s a process, and takes time. The truth I know is bad enough. And in my case, Mr Fab left his FB messages open, so was damned by his own testimony. And afterward, his behavior, in feeding DD truthiness.

          I think part of surviving on the long road to Meh is realizing that if it looks like shit, and smells like shit, it is highly unlikely to be chocolate.

          Hugs, S! Time wounds all heels.
          x-Meh.

        • And don’t forget “wtf processing”…..that’s perfect. That’s exactly what all the digging and investigating is about….processing the shit.

          EXCELLENT!

    • I like that,. once you understand you have been lied to, seeing how deep the sewer goes is pointless,. It is all the same shade of shit! you are right Mehphista!

  • not if they have a 2nd phone, that’s usually the prepaid phone (*pay as you go* ring a bell?) they use to cover their tracks and some cheaters use their work phones to call their AP’s, this way no trace on their cell logs and not to mention secret email accounts.

  • I wish I could remember the word the counselor used for this ‘trickle truth’….the counselor tried to explain to him that each time more lies were revealed, it set my recovery back to day 1. He didn’t care of course.

    I caught him cheating on me with one woman , a former ho-worker of his (with 5 kids!!!), and kicked him out (best thing I ever did!). He begged, he pleaded, he said he loved me and wanted to be with me.
    Two months later, a counselor forced him to tell me about several other affairs – one night stands while he was traveling. He swore then that I knew everything.
    Two more months later, he reveals another ho-worker affair – spanning a 6 year timeframe. Again, swears he has told me everything now.
    Another two months later, I follow him to a crappy motel and confront him when he comes out. He admits that he was with a prostitute and that he’d being doing that throughout our marriage as well.
    BTW, he quit counseling 2 months later. Said he felt better after talking with the counselor but he could get a handle on this himself without paying someone to talk to about it. lol!

    Somehow between the one I caught him with and all the other reveals, his choices became my fault. I’m to blame for everything now. It’s interesting to me that he was just with these women for sex and apparently they were with him for the same reason. He didn’t want to be with any of them permanently – he had no intention of leaving me. He simply wanted cake. And now he can have it without me being in the way……

    • My X also claims he can manage his cluster b issues on his own. It’s laughable if it weren’t so delusional and insane.

      Sure buddy- keep rolling with that self-management thing you do so well. Gambling, destroyed families, decimated finances, my PTSD, drunk driving, strippers and college age ho-workers. Yep, you got this. Pfft…

  • I think I would call this “partial” truth. The cheater gives you one very small morsel of truth and the other stuff is just lies and fluff to make it sound believable. Which it generally never does. Which is why we in turn continue to dig for more information. Which is what we call the “mind fuck”! As much as I tried to believe some of the twisted crazy shit my exH told me, there was always this feeling of “does he really expect me to believe this shit”. Most of it never made any sense but it was so general that I couldn’t really call him on his bullshit.

  • When I was playing the “pick me” dance I wasn’t aware there was another woman although I strongly suspected it. He kept putting me off, avoiding me, and if I asked to see him he was “at the grocery store with Robert” (I’ve mentioned this here before) finally I said, “You’re lying.” Because he can’t always be at the fucking grocery store with Robert. Even when I drove to his apartment he was lying about who was in the house (filled with my possessions). By then I only wanted the truth so badly. I finally said, “I know there’s another woman. Tell me there’s another woman and I’ll go. It’s a deal breaker for me. Just tell me.” And he did, but said the relationship only started after I left (bullshit). It took three months for me to pull that out of him. Three months where he probably convinced himself that he really did start the relationship after I left and not one of the seven nights a week he was out until 2 in the morning for three solid months before I left. Oh, and he had me over twice for sex during that time probably to get a thrill comparing us. No, he was an angel.

    So he’s never admitted he fucked around while we were married and he never will. I’ve finally accepted that he never will admit it, but I know the truth. How can I expect a man who behaved so dishonorably to do something honorable?

    • He will never admit it, even if you found a sex tape with date on the screen, showing he is having an intercourse with her, with the special tattoo showing on his ass, like my ex, he would deny it until the end, then deny some more but never admit. More than likely, just like my ex your ex will say “No it wasn’t me, yeah that is the same tattoo I have on my ass, but I’m telling you that’s not me, he must have the same tattoo, noooo it was photo-shopped, so what if that looks like our bedroom, so someone else has an identical bedroom, who are you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?!?! ” You see what I am getting at Moving Liquid, its just who they are, low life lying cheats….

  • When you are dealing with a disordered person, you can 100% be sure that whatever they tell you is only part of the story. They will only admit to what they think you already know, are about to find out, or they want you to know to throw you off the scent.

    When you are dealing with someone that you know lies a lot, and you are not sure if what they are saying is the truth or a lie, always assume it is a lie.

    • Very true! After finally double-checking his stories, I found he lies about EVERYTHING. Big stuff and little too. Only reason for it is manipulation and control. So glad I won’t be his hypotenuse anymore.

  • Cheaters rule book number one, never give up your power. Knowledge is power. If they tell a chump the actual truth they give up power. Why do that when its easier to drag out the drama then never actually be forthcoming? I asked 100 questions over and over, knew the answer to all but just a few and never got the same answer twice. A liar is a liar. If they will lie enough to cheat whats to make you think youll ever get the truth?

    • And you will never get the same answer twice with liars. My ex went to a stripper bar with his blow buddies when he told me he was going somewhere else, when I found out about that, I had asked him, you see I wouldn’t had any problem if he told me but he decided to lie.

      our conversation;
      Me- why did you go there when you told me you were going somewhere else?
      Him-well I went to office first and the guys said lets a grab a beer and we stopped there for beer, it’s not like I went there to watch some naked chicks, it was probably their intention but not mine, I just wanted a beer (then he embellishes his story) one of the guys even wanted to treat me to a lap dance and I declined.
      Me-Ok

      Couple of months later I asked him about that night;

      Me-you remember the night you went to the stripper bar?
      Him- yes
      Me-the stripper, the one you got a lap dance from? What did she look like?
      Him-She wasn’t white, she was Asian with long straight hair.
      Me-Busted!!!

      He couldn’t even tell the truth as simple as something like this, so how stupid it was of me to ask him for the truth when he was fucking around….

      • I forgot to add, the truth doesn’t change but the lies do, its easy to remember the truth and hard to remember the lies, that’s why their stories change over and over.

  • After Dday, I moved out of our house, ex remained in house but quit paying the mortgage. He stayed there for 2.5 years before the bank finally sold the house. My name was on that mortgage as well, unfortunately.

    During those 2.5 years, I received a lengthy email from ex, saying that he was going to “be out on the street” and that he had received a letter from the bank saying the house was going to be sold on Feb 10 of that year. The email went on and on with self pity, and then asked me to sign some attached forms to help with some sort of financial negotiations that were going to keep him from being homeless. These forms were not from the bank, and it was never clear what he planned on using my signature for. I did not sign, needless to say.

    But I did call the bank, and they told me the house did NOT have a sale date. I called back once a week for the next month, the house was NOT yet being sold, so I knew ex was lying about receiving the letter from the bank, and the whole thing was a scam to get me to sign whatever it was he had sent me. God only knows how he planned on screwing me over.

    To fuck with him, I sent him an email asking for a copy of the bank’s letter for my records. We had the following exchange:
    Ex: What letter?
    Me: The letter from the bank saying the house is going to be sold on Feb 10. I want a copy for my records.
    Ex: I never told you the house was going to be sold.

    Well, my mouth literally fell open and I was stunned at the boldfaced lie. I then replied:
    Yes you did. I still have the email.
    Ex: Oh, that. (long pause) Oh, that turned out to be an advertisement from a realtor.

    Yeah, sure. I didn’t bother to reply further, just shook my head in disbelief. That’s just one of many cons he tried to pull. The sad thing is that for our entire marriage, I fell for similar outrageous lies and gaslighting. Thank God I’m free from that now.

      • I think that was one of the hardest things for me to get over. So this AP is your twu wuv schmoopie, worth cheating and lying and causing untold pain to me for? But yet not worth enough to be honest to? It made me feel utterly worthless.

        It took me a long time to really understand that the problem wasn’t me.

    • Yes. After comparing stories with OW, she was being lied to as well.
      And for the 1.5 years that their affair was secret (she knew about me the whole time), he’d bought her some presents. She was pretty surprised, as was I, to discover that he’d bought us both the same identical gifts at times. Ha.

      (Sidenote: the gifts weren’t given on holidays or bdays, he’d do random gift-giving and then forget about bdays or holiday gifts. I’m just now realizing that this may be a part of “not the boss of me” attitude I’m reading about. Weird and sad.)

  • It’s so funny looking back. I thought my EXH was a moral giant who’d been tossed about by the cruel world. When he began to devalue me, it was a complete shock. I absorbed all the poison from his lying teeth for months until his stories were so glaringly inconsistent that I confronted him. And he lied right to my face. “Iwould never…” and then when I had proof, “Well I did but we’re just talking. She’s become my best friend.” I think it was so important to him to believe that he’s still a Nice Guy, that I must have done XYZ to make him stray.

    But the truth is, I was the same worshiping, exhausting myself, overachieving, giving till it hurts dumbass trying to make his lazy sour ass happy. I listened to his constant complaints about his boss, his job, his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, his family, his dog and me. Only to be told that if I ever had the gall to bring up a worry or concern that I was negative. This was also his stock criticism of his past partners, and when I knew the honeymoon was over.

    According to Cheater, Schmoopie is a ray of sunshine. Well, so was I early on when I had thousands in savings and hadn’t been beaten down by his constant triangulation and whining and criticisms. She’ll be me in a year or two. And she doesn’t have two pennies to rub together now, but somehow found money to give him for his legal fees. She can have him. I hope they tear each other into coyote scraps.

    • “She’ll be me in a year or two.”

      She can NEVER be you. But here’s hoping she wakes up one morning and wonders, “How the hell did Mr. Wonderful turn into such a liar?”

      • Right, what CL said the other day- the trash collects together. LOL

        The outcome is fine with me either way. They barely knew each other before he moved out. Unless they were meeting for lunch hour quickies (probably) they had not even spent any time alone together, just constant obsessive secretive texting. He will find that all human females are human, and sometimes ‘negative’ and unable to withstand the sucking botttomless abyss of his needs and expectations. She will find that he sharts his 3X draws. To the happy couple!

  • Me: “So how long have you been going to massage parlors?”
    HIM: “Just since the first of the year, maybe christmastime, you KNOW how stressful the holidays are for me!”

    Later – sitting in front of the computer pulling up his credit card statements to see how far back the charges go…

    ME: “So now we are in August – August is very different from “Maybe it started at Christmastime”. I would think the day you decided to cross the threshhold to meet a hooker would be fairly memorable…? No? Nothing? I guess we’ll just keep clicking back on each statement.”

    Even knowing I was about to click on each statement that would show MORE charges, he would admit nothing. Asshole.

  • I think you could probably make infidelity forum subcultures and entire area of study. Misleading euphemisms and pseudoscience alone could keep you busy for a while.

    My favorite aspect of observing (and having participated in them) is conferring the status of “veteran” on those that have remained the longest and mastered the lingo and accepted terms of the group. The connotation is there is some kind of expertise at work (be they people who have cheated or people who have been cheated on). Cracks me up, considering.

  • It seems that most of us chumps develop a fair degree of detective skill in our quests for the truth. My resolve from here on is to do my detective work early, regularly and with one end result: one serious strike and they’re out. No more spackling around. I’ve already canned four boyfriends based on simple red flag evidence. I hope this doesn’t make me a manhater or a ball biter. I’m not. I love the company of good men. It’s just that I hate the company of lousy men. And keeping up the detective work just lessens the amount of time I waste on each. In the interim, I live happily single.

    • It doesn’t make you a man hater or a ball biter. What it makes you is smart and sensible. Keep enforcing those boundaries and listening to your gut. It’s there to save you from danger.

    • Well, that’s my plan too once I open myself to dating again. Not ready yet, but I’m putting up with exactly NOTHING sketchy from any future boyfriends. I’d also rather live happily single than deal with this pain and confusion and annoyance ever again.

  • The first time I witnessed my ex lie through his teeth it was to his mother. He fabricated a convoluted story when the truth would have sufficed. I should have taken it as an omen of what to expect in our marriage.
    Trickle truth is a drip feed of just enough information to shut you up, to buy time, to keep you off scent. If you ask awkward questions or get anywhere close to exposing the nonsense you are being fed then they turn nasty and attack as a form of defense.
    I was accused of ruining a false reconciliation dinner out for not accepting that his affair was “almost over” and that I had put things back by wanting to know when he intended to end it instead of focusing on our future together.
    They had only started up after he moved out and she was an innocent woman and he wanted to let her down easy.
    The real truth is they had been involved for many years and it was the reason her husband had left…I got that from her when she turned up at my home screaming like a madwoman.
    He had been lying to her too about the circumstances of our marriage and she was the winner of the pick me dance.
    I wonder if he has now morphed into an honest person since being out of the marriage?

  • I’m with you on this one Marci. I was seeing a man who I got to know over a couple of years so thought I knew him. After we took it to the next level he gave me his word that he would not be pursuing any woman BUT me and that he would be removing his dating profile from match. Out of curiosity I checked a month later and it was still up and said ‘ON LINE TODAY.’
    Gongggg!~

  • “They enjoy the power of their secrets.” Truer words have never been written. X gets off on keeping secrets and telling half truths. He found his perfect conspirator in his dumbass Bimbo, who has no clue he’s playing her because she is funding his second childhood. They just got back from a “mystery” vacation, where he refused to divulge to his OWN CHILDREN where he was for seven days! To hear our kids call him a douchebag is validating, but also so, so sad.

    He’s an epic asshole. That’s the whole truth!

  • My stbx recently stated “it was just one incident”, wtf? I said “it was over a years worth of incidents, thousands!” Seriously, how stupid do they think we are? After months of the pick me dance and no transparency, I snapped and his ipad found it’s way into the swimming pool! On the one year anniversary of overhearing him saying “you’re so fucking cute and I want to bite those lips” to her. I texted her (our insurance agent) and told her she was a home wrecking whore and unethical, felt good to get that off my chest! So Mind Fucked in Miami is becoming Moving On in Miami! The funny part is she doesn’t even want him and her family was destroyed too. This shit impacted 6 other people, 4 of them the children of these two marriages!

    • That is so, so common that the AP doesn’t REALLY want them after all! They were just stroking their fwagile Ego, that a married person risked all to chase them. ha!
      OW got stuck with my X, because he had to go somewhere, when my lawyers forced the sale of our house (that took a year and a half!). Now he moved across the street into her house, and I hope she enjoys his lying, lazy, drunk butt on her couch every day!

  • So with you on the whole terminology bull…

    She was a cheater, she was ‘stepping out’. Doesn’t that sound nice? Like stepping outside for a breathe of fresh (omitted saying what I wanted)

    It’s not being cruel and selfish, it’s a ‘fog’!

    I totally got LIED to as well, unless I had absolute proof, or bluffed her that I did.

    God I hated the terminology, trying to make it all sound so innocent and accidental. Own it you fucking creeps.

    • I have always hated the term “affair” to describe their betrayal. Sounds like they just went to a party doesn’t it?

  • Trickle truth was a way of life for him while I told him everything. Silly now that I look back. With the final OW, he didn’t even know I knew about the OW. I asked and he denied and I pretended I believed him. When the divorce settlement emails were going back and forth, I simply added a line in the middle of a long email (all business-like) that said, “Oh, by the way, I know about your affair.” And then continued on as if I said, “I also want the painting.” Never missed a beat. 🙂

  • i used to think that people who were drunk wouldnt say anything that wasnt true. i used to think that people who were drunk were so messed up in the head that they could not think straight and therefore the things they said were the truth, or at least the way they were thinking because they were incapable of coming up with new thoughts while drunk.

    my XH can lie while he is drunk. it shocked me. i didnt think it could happen. so he lied to me when he was sober and lied to me when he was drunk. he is a very accomplished liar.

    i got the whole lie by omission, half truths and only owning up to what it was i had discovered by being the marriage detective. he actually would tell my kids…”what your mother doesnt know wont hurt her” and i dont know how many times my kids would tell me “dad said not to tell you”. He lived the “what you dont know” to DEATH!!! and was trying to teach it to my children. he would lie about the stupidest things too. just to lie.

    it was all a game for him. i am sure he is still doing it but this hood rat he is sleeping with is a better liar then he is. it will be interesting to see who hurts who first in that relationship. of course they love each other so much (after what 6 months?) they respect each other so much. (as she drives his truck off the curb)

    that is the one thing i have found i dont miss. trying to decode his words, what he is telling me and what he really means. it used to feel like i was pulling teeth just to get any kind of information at all. i tell my kids that now, if you are asking someone if they want to save your relationship and that other person CANT tell you….let them go

  • No surprise here either. Lying by omission is still lying. I’m getting trickled truth to death. Doesn’t matter. I know what he is and I know what he’s done. I know what he is capable of doing and I know he will attempt to justify/rationalize his actions.

    I’m getting ready to be called “bitter”. I’m not bitter. I’m focusing my time on worthy people and worthy activities. He’s not any of that. I have never associated myself so deeply with such a dishonorable twat. I have four children to raise. Honesty and integrity have always been a big deal to me. This guy doesn’t have it. The MC feels it’s part of my job to teach him. Nope.

    I have a fork stuck in me because I’ve been done for a long time. Every time he opens his mouth I believe NOTHING. And he feels entitled to my trust???
    Nope.

  • The trickle-truth I got was more like a slow drip or all blatant ridiculous beyond belief lies.

    My favorite: when I got a clinic bill in the mail for an STD procedure he’d had, he told me the lab must have mixed up the paperwork. He didn’t have any procedure you see not had he been to that clinic.

    Must be clerical error, don’t you see that?

    So glad that BS is behind me. I literally stood there mouth dropped, like you must, just must have a brain tumor or be on drugs if you think I’m listening to that.

  • Yup, I am going to be so much smarter the next time, if there is a next time. I have been trickle truthed… makes you feel crazy because you want to trust the person but something just doesn’t add up. I think CL ought to start a Chump Nation dating site, so that us chumps can find each other.

  • LOL I go from trickle truth=tinkle truth=piss on you… That is what these disordered people are thinking.

  • Tickle truth, I’ve never heard it called that before.
    I could give thousands of examples but the type….it’s pathetic to be able to label mind fuckery, by type in a relationship. Anyway, the type that comes to mind is something along the lines of I say “so you won’t give money to your family without asking me again, right?”
    A month later when he’s forked over $1,000 to his Mom to buy a new butthole or some nonsense and I say but I said blah blah and his answer is “You said that, I never agreed to it.” Or if for some reason he verbally agreed to it, then he flat out denies it.
    The strangest feeling I get sometimes is when I catch/realize a gaslighting ploy and think back to the first few oblivious years and wonder how many times he messed with me and I had no clue. The opportunities were endless.
    I guess I was being “tickled” long before I even felt it!!

  • They all have the handbook. They al deny and can look you straight in the eye and lie. I was always amazed at how the XH could tell such lies with a straight face and not blink or anything. I was always the crazy one to think he would be having an affair!!

  • If there were ever a solid, realistic reason to tell people “don’t lie”–even if they don’t buy into social conventions and bourgeois morality and are truly, truly convinced in their heart of hearts that the truth is relative and we might as well all be living on different planets for all the reliability of our individual subjective experiences–LIES FUCK WITH PEOPLE’S MINDS. It’s an act of psychological violence and it leaves lasting harm, not just because of whatever specific wrong information they’ve been given this time, but because their mind is now adapting itself to being lied to. And that falsehood-driven mental adaptation will make them easier for others to hurt and control in the future. It will weaken and make them ill.

    Well, duh. That’s the idea, chump!

    Takehome lesson? Don’t lie unless you intend to wound and weaken the person you’re lying to. Because you will.

  • I dont bother asking him for the truth. I have run across enough “trickle evidence” over the years to see it for myself…the truth stands alone and does not need further “confirmation” from him.

    Every time I found something new, I was propelled yet another step forward into putting together MY plans (since he is so busy working his). I do not tilt my hand by asking him about ANYTHING…I just quietly go about putting aside cash and making copies of important financial documentations. Right now, I am busy “organizing” his business financials at our store because he throws EVERYTHING into grocery bags rather than into any files. It is a shameful disaster…8 years of paper/receipts/documents that were never accounted for. So he is very happy that I have started cleaning that mess…but at the same time, I am gathering what I need for proof of income and under the table business transactions ect.

    I also just purchased two voice activated recorders for our store that have fifteen day battery stand-by times (8 GB)…so each week when I go in to work with him on Mondays, I will turn on one device and then swap it with a fresh one the following week, (and listen on my days off) for entertainment. He flirts and then eventually lures a woman into the back room of our store (“just for lunch”) to try and push himself onto her further…then claims “friendship”. Haha! When he is eventually served, I will simply play some “choice” recordings of his “moves” on women…and THAT will speak volumes…I will not have to say a word. Luckily, our store is already legally posted as being “under surveillance”…but very soon, that will include HIM too. 🙂

    I am staying in this for one more year…because I want to have been married for the 10 years required to qualify for better Social Security benefits (we are now in our early 60’s), AND for amassing a good sized savings so I can properly “Lawyer up”.

    Funny enough, after 9 years of his gas lighting/half-truths and me finding so much evidence to the contrary, I have already arrived at “MEH”! I see him for what he is and am already emotionally disconnected enough to not take any of it as a personal insult on MY character or value. All six of our combined children are grown and on their own…so no impact there.

    We get along great because I say NOTHING…just go about being my normal sweet self while he goes along being his deceptive self. MEH! is working just fine…I am praying for a financially Soft Landing.

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