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Best Chump Retorts?

How_to_leave_a_cheaterWell chumps, I’ve devoted lot of blog pages to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. And as we all know, they say some really stupid shit.

You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?

The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?

She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?

You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.

And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.

Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the Perfect Withering zinger at exactly the Perfect Moment…

…Only it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.

They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?

I landed a few blows on the long-term OW in my story (who had wanted to marry him and played OW throughout three marriages, probably more by now). When she called me a whore, I said “That’s Mrs. Whore to you.” I also added, “Poor Alyson, always a fuckbuddy, never a bride.”

I see in retrospect it was terribly un-meh, and a version of the pick me dance. Why would ANY sentient person want to be this cheater’s bride? I just knew it was a vulnerable soft spot for her, and as she had fucked my then-husband, I felt it only appropriate to throw the harpoon. No regrets.

When I wrote my book The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.

“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:

“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”

So today you choose the Stupid Shit the Cheater Said and your reply.

And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)

Get uppity, chumps!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • When my stbx said, “she saved our marriage, I should pay her”. I should have said “true, they pay whores, don’t they”!

  • When she Said (directed to the boys) he’s a wonderful man and he won’t bite you!”

    I said “wonderful men don’t fuck married women! He won’t bite you but he will cause substantial financial and emotional pain.

        • Her response was “he won’t cheat on ME”. And I laughed again. He was sitting next to her at the bar where he picked her up four months ago. He was mortified yet didn’t deny it. She won the prized asshole!

          • What is it with the ow/om that think they won’t be cheated on? I know they must think their sparkles are the shit and all, but seriously? Will they ever realize they have already outright told the cheater that cheating is okay? At least in cases of tru luv, boredom, muffin tops, mistakes, etc, etc, etc. –

            My stbxh: “I was acting out, overwhelmed by your depression” (in hindsight, his whoring started with the untimely deaths of my mother and his father)

            My response, ” yea, because prostitutes are known for their positive life affirming attitudes. Dude you do realize how incredibly fucked up someone has to be to enter that line of work, and how fucked up you are in blaming me? Go fuck yourself. “

            • That’s actually really funny, because OW actually bought the “poop glitter” when it came out

          • Of course not, because she is so “SPECIAL” don’t ya know. And he left his significant other for a skank he had only known for 4 months, the one he picked up at a bar… He will never do that to her because she is so so special.. NOT!

  • My husband, who is in denial that anything ever happened and continues to be passive aggressive about seeing lawyers, etc, cheerfully addressed me when I returned from seeing the movie “My Old Lady” with a friend. He asked me what it was about. I replied without hesitation, “It was about two assholes who had an affair and the devastating long-term emotional and financial effects it had on their families.” His mouth dropped. My eighteen year old daughter (who is very aware since she is the one who noticed him texting day and night) laughed and said, “Score!”

  • Mine was in an email so I’m not sure it counts but I had just found out that the OW IMd my ex and he told her that her “contact bothered me so she should stop” It should’ve been a big red flag that he didn’t say it bothered him but better late than never.

    I sent her a brief email explaining the concept of no contact. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because in the first email I sent I asked her not to contact him by using email or the phone so I apologized for not being more comprehensive and said: In addition to not calling, texting or emailing no Instant messaging from any venue, no social media, no snail mail, smoke signals or sky writing either with an airplane or a broom.

    Since she is in her 50s I figured the wicked witch of the west reference wouldn’t be lost on her.

    • How true is it that they always find the loophole – the one thing you DIDN’T mention they shouldn’t do, which of course, should be totally obvious -like writing in the sky with a broom… LOL!

      I was told to write out my boundaries… the list became an exhaustive novel of the totally ridiculous kind – covering what I thought was every last base… and surprise, surprise… they still find the holes… absolutely fucktardy. What a waste of time and effort that was. So glad I can get a good laugh on it now. 🙂 Common sense is just not for cake eaters.

  • I have been out of crazy town for 4 weeks and was having dinner with some “friends”, he followed me to my new place. After 10 minutes of him telling me how wrong and childish I was acting by leaving him this came out:

    F.Face: *Insert whiny tone* My dad has been to the ER twice with chess pain after all the crazy things you have done (dumping him unceremoniously) and spend thousands of dollars in hospital bills because of it, is that what you think he deserves?
    Me: Your dad deserves the moon and back, but I am not the one that will give it to him.

    I still smile when I remember that.
    His face and silence were priceless!! I also told him that If he ever came near me aging, all his bullshit of “calling wolf” would come true (telling every one I was getting a restraining order). Haven’t seen him since. Thank God.

  • After finding out my husband of 25 years had been cheating on me for at least 15 of them with two co-workers, including individual affairs and group sex, I asked him what he could have been thinking. His response was “I just always thought we’d be together”….to which I replied: “How many of us???”

  • Wife: You were never there for me.

    Me: You mean when you needed a quickie in a motel with your boyfriend from work? I would have been there for you if you asked me instead of him. Was he there for (too many things to list, rattled off births, house, operations, family deaths etc.. etc..) No, he wasn’t there for you. I’ve been there for you your whole life since you were a teenager. You stopped being there for me when you chose to get a boyfriend and hide it from me. (something along those lines)

    After that I’d keep saying like “oh, I fixed your SUV a few weeks ago, how many times has he fixed your SUV? I bet he got a bunch of blowjobs in it and stuff.. if that’s what you mean by being there for you. I only bought it, paid for it, wash it, keep it running, fill it with gasoline…..”

    So yea, that’s my classic ‘stupid things cheaters say’ and the gist of my responses to those types of ‘poor me’ types of blame shifting..

    • This hit a nerve with me. The first MOW ho-worker, the butter face who was fucking my ex for over 3 years, drove a white SUV and she gave my ex many bj’s in that SUV and her husband also ride in that vehicle with their kids. I mean what kind of woman gives a bj in a vehicle and not even blink where her husband and children also ride in it? Then again its the same woman who fucked my ex in her marital bed when her husband was away, and her husband was away a lot during that time. So they did their thing in that SUV, at her friends house or at work bathroom when her husband was in town. Oh yeah her husband worked his ass off, washed that vehicle etc and she fucked and gave bj’s to my ex who never did anything for her, oh except listening to her how hard it was for her, that her husband was always away (working) and when he was home he didn’t pay attention to her and their kids so after listening to her whining, he simply stick his dick in her mouth…

      • Same kind of cheater/AP pairing that has sex in the marital bed. Personally, I think they get off on the titillation of violating boundaries. I’m going to be out of town for a week. Hopefully, STBX and Schmoopie decide the king-size bed in the master bedroom is what they need, not the full-sized bed in the guest room (now my room). Both STBX and Schmoopie are a pretty big couple, and the full-sized bed is an antique (was my mother’s from her childhood).

        • Exactly kb! My fuckface even brought that butterface MOW ho-worker in my house couple of times when I was overseas for a month. These 2 fucks fucked in my bed, sat on my couch, ate my food, showered, used my towels…I got rid of the bed, couch, bedding, fridge, carpeting, all the towels etc. The freeloading parasite had the nerve to bring this skank in my home and let her eat my food too that I paid for. When I was checking the call logs after shit hit the fan and I went back from the day one btw, I noticed he called my house number on different days when I was overseas, so I asked him why he was calling my house phone. Get this,

          Him– “I don’t know, I called to see if anyone would answer”

          Me– “who would answer the phone? I was overseas and you were here in my home”

          Him–“I don’t know, maybe a robber or something”

          Me–“let me get this straight, you were calling my house phone and someone who, maybe robbing my home would stop what they are doing and answer the house phone? Does that even make sense?!?”

          He was sooooo good playing the dumb one!! Idiot gave her his cell at work (he left an hour before she did) so she wouldn’t have records on her cell and call my house with his cell to let him know she was on her way to my house and that was the only answer he could come up with, IDIOT!!

          PS: wash his bedding and his underwear with insulation they use when they build homes and throw some more insulation into the dryer. Shake it well and make his bed nicely. It will itch like hell when they use the bed and when he wears his undies. I’ve never done it but my friend who did swears by it. That’s how she took her revenge on her cheater. Stupid cheater could never figure out why he was itching all day long lol. I hope it works for you! 🙂

          • The robber line has to go in the Stupid Shit Cheaters say cannon.

            Also, go listen to the Bobby Blue Bland song “That Did It” — with the lyrics “I saw your Other Man wearing my brand. new. shoes.” A good blues song cataloging the indignity of the affair partner using all your stuff.

              • I thought I was the only person left alive who knew about Bobby “Blue” Bland! That’s why I love you CL! He’s on my iPod.

            • yep it sure does need to go in the Stupid Shit Cheaters say. I have to say, he played the “‘good guy” role really well (his whole family was feeding me that bullshit too and was covering for him) so I would feel sorry for him and because of it I had second guessed myself more than once, ok a lot. He is an expert on gaslighting… I have never met anyone in my entire life, until him, who can just look at you and deny the obvious truth even with proof or/and when he was cornered like that situation, he would just come up with shit like that and just play dumb while feigning innocence.

              I am so glad I don’t have to deal with this disordered freak and his family anymore and now my life is good, theirs, not so good! 😉

              I just listened to the song, thank you for posting it Tracy, its right on and one of my new favorites now. 🙂

            • You are right Tracy, so I went and posted my post on the Stupid Shit Cheaters say, it definitely belongs there. So new readers can see how fucked up these cheaters really are with the shit they come up with along with other posts.

              • Never ceases to amaze me how often a cheater can lie and come up with the craziest statements, then mistreats YOU even MORE than he/she already has when you stop dealing with the nonsense. Even worse, not only is he lying to you, he pulls everyone else into the lie as well, in an attempt to make you look bad. There is no physical trauma, yet the damage to your self-esteem, good name within the community or at work, and constant verbal humiliation is horrific. A cheating partner is an emotionally abusive partner. So glad to see that the women here have taken a stand and offering so much support to others in the same boat. Laughing about it when we can sure does help lessen the sting. Hugs…

        • Put a lock on the door. When she asks why, tell her you don’t want her and her fat-ass Schmoopie breaking that antique bed.

    • Here is the height of awful. My husband couldn’t (wouldn’t) help me fix my car… so OW sent her husband over to do it (the only bright side of that is that since my husband was playing sick, he missed OW’s intended opportunity for them to sneak off together while the car was being fixed, because there was NO Way that SadSausage was going anywhere if he was too sick to help me with my car so that I could go to work to support his lazy tail.

      I used to feel guilty that he helped – particularly after Dday. But I realized that the kind of guy he is, he probably would have done it for me anyway… after all, it’s not my fault that my husband and his wife were faithless dicks.

  • And another– Ex’s main AP was someone he introduced to our family as a family friend, who stayed in our home with us, who we visited and stayed with her and her children and husband in their home, who painted us pictures we hung on the walls of our house, was someone he engaged in group sex with along with her best friend for 17 years, and who was having sex with my then-husband under my nose and the noses of our 3 children apparently for sick kicks–

    When I expressed my outrage after D-Day, my ex says–“She’s really a good person.” To which I replied, “Right, she hasn’t screamed obscenities at us while kicking the puppy, she’s awesome.”

    • I also got the “OW is such a good person, better than you”. My reply was “Good people don’t sleep with other people’s husband’s therefore she is not a good person and I am better than her!” He didn’t even flinch, such a sociopath.

      • I tried that one when he tried to claim she was just a friend (and that, of course, he really needed a friend right now to help him get through this tough time (this was after I confronted him, with evidence, of him having sex with her)). I said a friend would respect your marriage and not lead you or allow you to cheat on your wife. She may have been a friend before the affair, but now she’s just a mistress. She’s not a friend if she doesn’t care that she just ruined your marriage. I just got an eyeroll, a “whatever” and more silent treatment (cause I was just being so mean for insisting he stop contacting her).

  • My cheater told me I shouldn’t be jealous because he’s been suffering from erectile dysfunction, so any intercourse was minimal. “Viagra has too many side effects, so even though I’ve got a prescription, I won’t fill it because that stuff’s dangerous!”
    I said, “Well, considering the cave trolls you’ve been fucking lately, I think you should read those side effects again- temporary blindness might be a plus.”

  • Her: [A bunch of bullshit epiphanies about how the trauma of her affair has given her new insight into how to be a good wife].

    Me: I hope that insight makes your marriage to our kids’ stepfather happier than ours has been.

  • On the night we divided up our stuff with me not yet knowing about a particular ongoing affair of hers…the following was said more or less:

    XW: (About who got the cat) You take good care of him.

    Me: I will. He has taken good care of me.

    Hours later, xMIL (About above exchange): Why did you say that? Do you need someone to take care of you?

    Me: That cat has been more faithful to me than your daughter.

  • After finally stopping the pick me dance but the asshole still hadn’t moved out –

    Him – I told you years ago I was unhappy… and you did nothing!
    Me – I’m not responsible for your happiness

    And –
    Him – You can’t even say “hi” (referring to when he would arrive home and I would ignore him)
    Me – When I need to talk to you about the settlement or our daughter I will. Otherwise I have nothing to say to you.

  • When my ex came back for the umpteenth time whining to come back and how hard he was trying, I quoted Yoda. “Do or do not. There is no Try.”

  • Him about his AP “say what you want about her integrity, she’s honored the no contact.”

    Me “She has no integrity. Any person that would have an affair with a married man has no integrity.”

  • Upon learning that the latest OW was divorced from her unfaithful husband, I told my then-husband, “I get it — she is trading HER lying, cheating husband for MY lying, cheating husband.”

  • On DDay when I confronted him with phone records of all the calls between them every night while I was working and even when we were out of town for fun, his response was, “We’re just friends!”

    My retort: Really? Just friends?? If that’s the case then we would have had her over for dinner. I would know her. Our kids would play together.

    Him: silence.

    I kicked him out, he got a hotel room 8 miles from her house. Then when he finally found an apartment, it was conveniently located 4 miles from her house. Yep. REAL good friends.

    • Yeah, “We’re just friends” is what my ex said too. Then when I told her I saw the phone bill showing that for the past 3 months they had been exchanging hundreds of text messages most days. She looked shocked at me and said “I can’t believe you snooped into that, I never would have done that to you”. Didn’t say it at the time but, but should have said. “You are right, you would be too busy texting Kevin to take the time to look at the phone bill”.

        • Mine actually had his attorney question me about it in the deposition. Like snooping was the crime, not adultery and embezzlement of our family funds.

      • Same here. Mine said he was thinking of getting back together until I confessed that I had snooped and asked him to change his passwords (I didn´t want to find out anymore). He said he couldn´t go back with someone who had violated his privacy in such a way. The nerve!

    • Similar story. “We’re just friends” after seeing hours of conversations between them on the cell phone records, some calls at 6 am when our kids were there visiting for holidays. Guess he had to talk to her before the rest of us got out of bed, before her family got out of bed too!

  • Can I just say the long-term OW in Chump Lady’s story has to be pretty dumb? To play the OW in 3 different marriages with the same guy – he’s obviously never going to want to be with her 24/7. Why didn’t he go running to her to be all Happily Ever After after Divorce #1? Or #2? Or #3?

    Then again, I know of someone who always has affairs with his office manager, divorces current wife to marry the office manager, then hires a new office manager, and guess what happens? This cycle has happened at least 3 times. You would think someone somewhere along the way would wise up!

    • My STBX’s father had a long-term OW with whom he lived in the city where he worked. My late MiL knew about the OW and was furious at her, but opted never to divorce. Her POS husband used to come home for exactly 48 hours every weekend, and would spend his time on a LazyBoy watching television. He’d sleep on the LazyBoy, too.

      He married the OW about 5 years after his wife died, and around a week before he himself died. The marriage made her very happy, but you know what? If he’d married her once he was legally free to do so, she’d have been able to get his military pension and spousal benefits. As it is, she got squat. She also loaned him around $15K.

      He must have seen her coming!

      She still insists he was an honorable man (insert clue-by-four: Honorable men don’t cheat on their wives, don’t string their mistresses on for 20 years, and don’t borrow money they don’t repay).

    • It’s the $64,000 dollar question.

      I asked why he didn’t marry her and he said because she was a bipolar alcoholic. But my guess is just that she kept agreeing to be the OW. The wives all divorced him — but she was always there.

      It’s a special kind of fucked up. I don’t really know the answer.

  • After the divorce, my ex got a new phone and he kept texting the wrong person. By this point GF OW had already caught him cheating. (One of many OW, serial cheater) he was in a different state. He texted me “Ya, I’ll be at the party. Soooo, is Jen going to be there?” GF name, not Jen. I texted back “wrong person. Have fun, but be careful, your dick tends to fall into randos at parties”

    He actually texted back. “Well done. True story.”

  • This is just one example, there are many more, the fuckface tried to say, after I dumped his ass, ” You are my only true love, I am dead inside without you” my reply, “did you realize that before, during or after you were fucking the skanks?!”

  • When I told him not to be bring any of his whores around our children. He asked “Why would you think they would be whores? ” I replied, “What do you think they call women who fuck other women’s husbands?!?” Blank stare from him. Wow.

    • My wife said “do you think I’m a whore?” I said, “Do you feel like a whore? You’ve been acting like one, although they usually get paid..”

      • LOL! Love it! That’s what I told my X about his latest schmoopsie since, they moved in together but he was paying all the bills, as long as she gives him kinky sex. I said “so what do they call a person who gives sex in exchange for monetary favors? ” Hmmm…….. 🙂

  • Just thought of another one. In text he said to me, as usual, that “I am very selfish and ungrateful, and I do not take into consideration the lengths he and the OW have to go to so that I don’t see her when X and I do child exchange.”

    My reply, since we weren’t even divorced yet, was , “why yes, sadly, you should go to great lengths to make sure your wife and mistress never meet up ! ” Dumbass!

  • And one more.

    After we had just separated and he had moved right in with latest OW, he said to me. “You know, in the end I hope that everything works out between us.” ~implying we would be together

    My reply ” Oh yeah? So how does your GF feel about that?!?” Crickets.

    • I had a similar exchange. I found out about last OW after I asked for a divorce. It had been going on while we were in counseling. He called to do the “are you sure we’re doing the right thing I want to come home this is all a mistake” thing. He didn’t know I knew about new skank. So I also said, “How will your girlfriend feel about that?” One of the few times he didn’t have a quick response. Best thing was that I just went on with the stuff about the kids and then got off the phone without discussing it with him.

      • They always think they are smarter than us don’t they? Like we wouldn’t figure out or snoop for others after we discovered the first OW. Morons.

        The more I ignore his existence, the more I can tell it bothers him. Oh well, getting on to my new fabulous life. Love it.

  • I have a few!

    When he kept offering to stop by and drop off belongings he’d ‘taken by mistake” I said, “Just throw them away like you did our marriage..”

    When I arrived to our final dissolution hearing fifty pounds lighter in thigh high boots and a stunning professional dress, he was his same 300 pound self dressed head to toe in an outfit I bought him ages ago. He made a big show of not greeting me, and chatting up some freeze dried random blonde. I sweetly walked up to her and said, “Oh, honey. He’s a cheater. An adulterer. But he’ll be free in half an hour and you can have at it.”

    When we were leaving he tried to hold an elevator for my sister and me. She stared him down icily and said, “We’ll wait.”

    • Luziana, that reminded me of another one. He had been taking his stuff out of our house in dribs and drabs while I was at work everyday. One day I left a pile of his cookbooks that had been blended in with mine, with a post it note saying “Don’t forget your cookbooks.” (he never had cooked for us, in 16 years). That night I saw him, and he had thrown the cookbooks down the basement stairs, splaying them out and breaking some of the bindings. I said, “Why did you do that?”

      He said with high melodrama, “Do have ANY fucking idea what it feels like to have you take EVERYTHING I ever gave you and just shove it back in my face???!!!”

      Calmy I said, “Yes. Actually. I do!”

      • hahaha! I had the good fortune to be the sole owner on the house deed- I inherited my modest little place from my parents before we met. I think he thought we would be friendly after he filled up his sad little U-Haul all by his lonesome. I refused to allow ho-worker on my property- I believe I warned him she would get ‘an icepick in her eye socket. But I went NC and didn’t look back, and would not allow him to ‘stop by.’ He was in such a hurry to set up his whore shack he left a lot behind.

        At Christmastime I’ll mail his daughter her tree ornaments, She shouldn’t suffer for Dad’s wandering divining dick….the rest is trashed or donated,

    • Nothing like “lose a cheater, and bonus! Lose 50 pounds.” I think for many of us, the extra weight came in the effort to protect ourselves and get those endorphins from food because there was no “sugar” coming from the cheater.

      • I was pretty heavy when we met, but I gained some too. 🙂 I still have about 40 pounds to lose but I look way better than him or his stupid morally bankrupt downgrade.

        • I saw my lawyer yesterday. In the course of the conversation on settlement, she made a remark about how, if a judge questioned the settlement–which is slightly biased in my favor though it’s still the 50-50 the state likes–she could indicate that while we both have decent earning power, he’s made more money than I have, he’s older…I stopped her there. STBX is a year younger than I am. She looked at me and told me that, from the one meeting she’d had with the both of us, she assumed he’s a lot older than I am.

          And then quickly went on to add that it’s actually better that I’m slightly older, as it makes an even stronger case for the slight bias.

          I lost the 50lbs I gained since my wedding day. STBX has gained about 60lbs–about 20-30 since he’s been seeing OW.

          • Integrity wears well. Kudos to you!!

            My sister had never seen ex with a tucked in shirt. She kept whispering incredulously, not spitefully, “He got fatter. Did he get fatter? Did his gut get bigger?”

            I said, “Well besides Schmoopie he probably hasn’t seen a fresh vegetable for months. Po Baby.”

  • When people say to me about the OW ” Well she’s a really nice person…..”

    My reply ” Oh yeah, adultery aside, I ‘m sure she’s just lovely.”

    • That is the worst, “She is a really nice person.” Fuck that shit. She is a home wrecker. She has no empathy for anyone but herself. She went for a married man and destroyed a family. I go ballistic when I hear this bullshit from “friends”.

      She is nothing but a self serving, self dealing, narc who discards human life for her own well being.

      I used to get this shit from my former friends with H#1 who cheated twice before I found out and left.

      You really touched a nerve I haven’t thought about for a while. Sorry you have to hear this crap, Freeatlast. I wish we could make them realize how harmful these words are to the faithful spouse.

      • I know, it really sucks hearing that. I feel ya’. Sadly most that say that, have never been hit by infidelity, that they know of, or they have and are just trying to spackle since they are still living in it.

        My motto is, I don’t care how many homeless shelters she may volunteer at, or how many church bake sales she does, or how many kittens she adopts, someone who screws around with a married person is a piece of shit, no matter how many nice things you do aside from that.

        When I give my retort to them of “yeah adultery aside, I’m sure she’s lovely”, that usually shuts them down quick. Sarcastic, straight to the point and makes them rethink what they just said.

  • Ex: How do you know all these things?
    Me: I read them in your journal.
    Ex: It makes me extremely angry that you violated my privacy.
    Me: It makes me extremely angry you’re in love with another woman.
    Ex: (silence)

    • Lyn, that’s classic! Mine said, “Don’t you believe I still love you!??” after Dday. “No, you bought her strawberries and chocolate for breakfast. You never did that for me.” Him: “how did you KNOW THAT?” Me: you left the receipt on your desk. (Stunned silence from him).

  • Him: Well, I was only fucking around because you are frigid.

    Me: Bollocks. The major criteria for getting it on with your wife is getting in bed with her while she is awake.


    Him: I am actually relieved you found out- I have been going nuts.

    Me: Keep going.

  • “I’m getting a lawyer'”

    Short and sweet when I dashed his plan of going through meditation (he was hiding assets) and “everything will be all amicable”.

    Thinking about this, I realise he was even talking like a teen. “All” amicable?

    • P.S. I know it wasn’t witty but I don’t think anything else I could have said that would have stricken more fear to his heart and it was the most bad ass thing I said to him.

  • Cheater: “Don’t you believe I still love you! I TOLD you, I wish I could split myself in half, so one of me could be with you and one with her?”
    Me: No I don’t beleive you. And which half would I get?

    Cheater: “I bet everyone’s telling you you’re better off without me!”
    Me: Yes, they are.
    Cheater: “But what about YOU? what do YOU think?”
    Me: Before July 29, 2013 (DDay) I never would have agreed, after that, Absolutely!”
    (Cheater sat with head in hands looking at the floor).

    Cheater: (After I told him we were changing the deed to our house and getting rid of the survivorship clause): “Margaret! I think you KNOW who I am! I will take care of your children if something happens to you. Don’t you TRUST ME??!!”
    Me: “No, I don’t.”
    Cheater: “OK, fair enough.”


    • OMW Margaret! My cheater said very close to what you said;

      Him–“You know who I am, yes I have made some mistakes, but you should make me the beneficiary to everything you have.”

      Me—“Why would I do that? Why would I make you the beneficiary to anything that I have when I have a child?”

      Him—“Because when (not if) something happens to you, I would make sure your son gets everything, so your ex-husband (the father of my child) can’t touch it or steal from him since your son is under 18, but I will never do that to your son, I care for him a lot and you can trust me”

      I told him he was dreaming!

      Let’s see, here is a parasite who always complained he was always broke, never even contributed a penny to anything, not even for his own food, complete freeloading dead beat who didn’t have 5 dollars in his pocket, doesn’t have a single dollar in his savings, irresponsible spender who kept getting into debt while he was freeloading off of me, who cheated and lied and STOLE from me consistently and I am supposed to trust this fuck and make him the beneficiary to my completely paid off home, vehicles, jewelry, all the top of the line furnishings in my house?!?! And he will make sure my son will get it? Yeah right!! What a fucking loser!! He makes me want to BARF!

      Hell, I wouldn’t even make him beneficiary to even the contents of my septic tank lol!! Even that’s too good for him!!

  • After one of the five ddays (I can’t remember which one) my cheater said…..”It was an accident, I didn’t mean for it to happen”..To which I replied….”Funny…..I have NEVER heard of a random penis ‘falling’ into a vagina on the news as an ‘accident’ “. “Stop saying stupid shit!!”

    • I love that idea that cheating was an accident. I heard that too. I keep thinking “help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

    • Mine kept using the term ‘mistake’. I finally stopped dead in my tracks and said ‘stop calling what you did a mistake. A mistake is something that is done accidentally – like when you backed my car into a pole. That was a mistake. Your f’ing multiple women for multiple years and hiring prostitutes was not a mistake. It was a choice – a decision that you made repeatedly. That is not a mistake!’ He sheepishly agreed.

      • Mistakes don’t need any effort, it just happens, however choices like lying, cheating, betraying another takes effort.

        They made a mistake my ass!!

      • “We all makes mistakes, intentionally or not.” I spent way too long trying to figure out how one makes a mistake intentionally.

        • Yeah, mine said “we all make mistakes.” I said, “A mistake is spilling wine on your carpet, locking your keys in the car – you manipulated, lied and deceived people for your gain. That’s called a personality disorder, not a mistake.”

    • Kimmy, You should’ve said “ you didn’t mean for it to happen? It was an accident? Awwww, where were you aiming your dick at?”

      • Both my husband and the OW told me that they didn’t “mean for this to happen.” I told them both, separately, that I thought by the time people got to be 40 years old, they should be able to tell the difference between intentional sex and rape. I told her that I hoped that if she did not know the difference yet, that she would learn it the hard way.

  • Got another one — my son shared this story with me about what my daughter said to her dad.

    My ex and I were high school sweethearts and dated all through college and were married for nearly 20 years before the divorce.

    Once at dinner after the divorce, OW was telling my kids how she and their dad were friends in high school and they liked each other all those years and their relationship was “meant to be”. According to my son, my awesome daughter retorted, “Dad, I though MOM was your high school soulmate? What happened there?”

    I love my sassy daughter who speaks her mind!

  • When I found out it was the “massage ladies” taken care of business (he never asked me, because it’s not as dangerous) my response was:

    “Those poor, poor girls having to jack you and every Harry, DIck, Tom off. Must be like plucking chickens, after 100 men or so a week you get real good at it and then you have to go home and feed the kids.

    “What a lousy job.”

    His jaw dropped.

  • Background: after he left me for same woman (within 5 months after 1st Dday, attempt at “reconciling” etc), after i had to sell our family home and move away because OW was in our community and would not stop going to my gym (she had one near her house), after I had revived my decimated college freshman daughter, after i lost his health insurance due to divorce and have a chronic medical condition…

    my retorts aren’t of CL’s witty ilk, but strung together, i think they show i am on the road to Meh. Thank God.

    within first year after divorce…
    while still seeing the other woman after our divorce, one email from him
    XH: I wish we were talking.
    ME: what on earth would we talk about?
    XH: no reply

    another email from him…still seeing OW
    XH: I regret everything
    ME: what do you regret?
    XH: no reply

    another email …still seeing OW
    XH: i wish we could meet
    ME: i cannot meet with you while you are still seeig her
    XH: no reply

    recent email from him…
    we are 1.5 years post divorce and i have been no contact 6 months except financial stuff
    XH: how are you? in subject line (i did not open email)
    ME: please pay your part of cell phone bill, it is behind; In reply to your question about how i am…i do not know how to answer that question

  • DDay discussion.
    Cheater: “I told YOU. It JUST happened. I fended her off as long as I could. I was defending US, defending you and me AGAINST HER!:
    Me: Then what, she held a gun to your head and raped you?”

      • He also said, fiercely, “I am FIERCELY loyal to you, Margaret [mylastname]!!!” Ha ha what’s his definition of LOYAL.

        • Yeah mine said about the first MOW, that she was relentless, she wouldn’t let up, he kept ignoring her, she was stalking him, on the phone, at work, he wanted nothing to do with her and every time and only reason he answered her phone calls to tell her to “stop calling me” and when he missed her call, he just called her back to say “stop calling me” lol, so one day he agreed to meet her in a parking lot and to talk about it and he just went there to tell her that he wasn’t interested in her at all, to leave him alone but somehow they just kissed, one time and tried to show me the phone call logs, but when the story didn’t add up and idiot mixed the phone numbers, it was her house, land line. He went to her house to just talk and they just kissed LOL :)))) and whatever she says is a lie, she would say they fucked just to break us up because she is a lying bitch (no he is the lying man-whore bitch!) AND yep he was loyal to me and only me and always has been. Now that makes me laugh and what a stupid dbag this loser really is!!

    • Ugh, I got that too. “She wouldn’t take no for an answer!” Oh, so she came to your hotel room and raped you?

      • DUH!! didn’t you know? She kept raping him over and over and poor babies were so traumatized by all of that..Those wicked skanks are horrible! They don’t take no for an answer and poor guys were so defenseless and those nasty bitches forcefully gave them blow jobs, made them have intercourse without their will. What were they suppose to do you know? They had no choice…

  • Gems from exchanges with my cheater:

    Him: I got blindsided when you kicked me out.
    Me: Blindsided, really? You’re a 47 yo intelligent man who should know the consequences of an affair.

    Him: You act like there is a time frame on us working through this and you get frustrated that things aren’t progressing fast enough.
    Me: You specifically looked for an apartment with a 6 month lease because you wanted to reconcile as quickly as possible. YOU are the one that set the time frame, not me.

    Him: You embarrassed me by yelling at me in the parking lot. People were looking at us.
    Me: You asked me to meet you under false pretenses and it upset me. I may have embarrassed you in front of a few strangers who won’t remember it but it’s a small price for you to pay given the embarrassment you have bestowed on me and our daughter.

    Him: I feel that counseling was bait to get me to sign everything we have over to you.
    Me: Yes, I wanted you to cheat so I could make you go to counseling, admit more affairs and then force you to sign everything over to me. I’ve been planning this for longer than you’ve been cheating. Makes perfect sense.

    Him: I miss you so much. I’m so lonely.
    Me: I doubt that you are that lonely.

    There’s plenty more that I just can’t think of right now.

    • Two more things my cheater said thru the mediator:

      Mediator to Me from Him: He says you have a higher future earning capacity than he does.
      Me to the Mediator: What? He already makes X more than I do. If I could make more money, don’t you think I would already be. What a stupid statement – what’s he basing that on?
      Mediator: He’s trying everything he can.
      Me: Perhaps it’s based on the fact that he’s screwing co-workers and he’ll likely get caught and get fired so then I will be earning more than him.

      Mediator to Me: He says you took X amount out of the joint savings to pay your attorney’s retainer so he’s owed half of that back.
      Me: Yes I did. And how much did he spend wining and dining his affair partners and on prostitutes over the years? That’s likely comparable to his half of the money I used.
      Mediator: Good point.

  • Actual conversation:

    Him: “She feels really bad. She would like to talk to you.”

    Me: “(Derisive laugh.) It is not my job to assuage her conscience.”

    Him: “no! that’s not it.”

    Me: “Of course it is! You are both emotional vampires. You can’t feed off of me anymore.”

    He then moped away mumbling something abput her knowing I wouldn’t want to talk to her…you know because I am not a big enough person, right?

  • When i found out her AP was the same age as my daughter, 20 yrs old at the time, i told her, “it really must piss you off that you didnt meet him two years ago. He could have taken you to prom.”

  • Here’s one of my favorites told while when he was explaining how it started with the OW:

    ExH: “Oh, well, she just got into bed with me and forced a situation. What could I do?. Ask Joe (his best friend). He knows.” (They were all on a business trip.)

    Me: “So, are you telling me, she raped you?”

    ExH: Shocked look. “Well, No.”

  • During the last 9 months of false reconciliation my then-husband and I were living seperately and he was was getting deeper and deeper into (what I now know is) an EA with a woman he was Board Members with – I chatted with her and her husband at several Gala affairs. 2 weeks after I decided we should divorce I walked into a restaurant to see my husband and her canoodling. I walked right up to them and said a polite hello, my then-husband said “Oh, I didn’t know you come here…:” I said “Clearly.”
    Then I turned to her and said “So, I know where my husband is tonight… where’s yours?”
    Her: “Oh, you know, home with the kiddos”
    Me: “Hmm, yes, where a good father would be! Enjoy your evening.”
    And I waked away. When I sat down at my table, my legs were shaking.

  • During the affair, XH told me he had to have one because he was so miserable with me, that he was miserable during our 10-year marraige, that I was the cause of his misery and that, if it wasn’t for me, he could have true love and happiness.

    After I filed for divorce, he begged me to come back, saying he was “miserable” without me.
    I said, “Hmmm. That’s funny, I thought you were miserable with me. Make up your mind–are you miserable with me or without me?”

  • In our only post-DDay conversation, Jackass tried to convince me that his FB page, wherein he and his married neighbor Schmoopie with three kids were communicating, actually dated back to the previous year, prior to Schmoopie contact–in spite of the clear date “September 17, 2013” right there on FB, next to the profile picture of his one friend, Mrs. Schmoopie Cheaterpants.

    These words just popped right out of my mouth, no thinking required: “You lie and lie and lie and lie.”

  • Mine said, “But she is not like you (meaning feminist/driven/educated), she is a good old fashion girl… ” I said there is a name for a good old fashion girl like her, “Slut”.

    • It’s funny how these narcissist male cheaters think they want a smart, successful, educated woman (whether she has a career or is a SAHM). That seems attractive, I suppose, as it adds to their “impression management” with others. But women like that expect a man to pull his own weight as a partner, when the narcissist has no interest in partnership–only kibbles and cake. So off they go, looking for someone less educated, less attractive, less ambitious, not an equal. And when the “good old fashioned girl” (eh, “slut”) feeds the narcissist a lot of cake; when she comes with a husband to cuckold, lie to, betray and deceive; when they get to sneak and plot and feel powerful for getting away with their deceptions, then the less attractive person has a veneer of desirability. Not so much once the truth is out and their pitiful choices are laid bare (pun intended) for all to see.

      • This is my situation exactly. H loved to brag about me to friends and family because it made him look good. However, he needed to cheat with someone less educated and intelligent to make him feel like a “rock star” (his words)…

        • Same. She was “embarrassing and wore cargo pants to business meetings. I could never be seen alone in public with her.” Bouncing naked in hotel rooms, no probs. He needed validation and admiration and respect for doing nothing that merited it. So dumbass ow, not very bright, gave it to him. Now nobody respects or admires him. And there are 2 devastated families.

          • Word. The bizarre word salad of devaluing was that I was “too decisive, too intellectual and too good at too many things. And so negative.”

            “Was I negative at first? You say that about all your past partners.”

            “No. You were fun. She’s fun, she’s lighthearted and positive.”

            “So maybe you need to ask yourself why every happy woman you touch ends up so negative.”

            So he actually seemed to be arguing the merits of a wishywashy, helpless fuckup who gets evicted from apartments and whose last resume highlight before whoring up the bank was a retail service counter. And teeth so crooked she keeps her mouth shut in every photo. And greasy acne pitted foundation spackled skin. And would fuck with a married man. She’s a gem, I tell you!

            • “greasy acne pitted foundation spackled skin”

              yep, like my cheaters first MOW/ho-worker, that would be her thus I call her the “butterface”

      • He has two master’s degree’s and a PhD from some very prestigous universities. I have a masters degree and ditto… She graduated from high school, lives in the same town she has always lived in, and dresses her little dogs up in elf outfits so they can have their picture taken with Santa…and has only been to one parade in her life as she proudly exclaimed in the local newspaper. I kid you not.

        My kids have yet to meet her but I am thinking that this is not going to go well. Especially with my driven, ultra feminist, well educated, world traveling and very accomplished daughters. That apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, that would be me, the mother tree. Sooo… stay tuned sports fans…

        • My MRA kids had a field day with the scumbag OM.
          Hypergamy in XW wanted an alpha. boy( a guy I could easily kick the li I g shit out of).

          • I have two daughters and I always wonder how I’m going to handle the whole feminism vs. traditionalism question, particularly if I ever leave my husband. I was raised a traditionalist and lived it nearly to the letter. (I’ve only been with one man, my husband. I tried my best to support his career choices until it became very apparent that he struggled to keep a job. My career far outstrips his, though I think we might have found a way to get him into something that suits his personality… I rarely turn down sex with him and try to do things that he enjoys. I cook, etc.) While the values I live by feel very natural to me, I also see them as the source of much emotional pain. I still can’t disentangle myself from him and I doubt I’ll ever be able to recover if we do divorce. Incidentially, I see the same dynamic with a traditionalist man that I knew growing up. He married a histronic freak and he can’t let her go even though he knows better.

            Point is, what’s the balance? I don’t want my daughters to be mistrustful of men, but there’s so much usery from both genders I’m afraid to send them into the world believing the way I once (still?) did. Also, the whole MRA movement has been the bane of my existence, as my husband has recently discovered it and used their suggestions to further emotionally abuse me. I have no doubt that he’ll use their counsel against me if we ever divorce and I’ll be too much of a soppy-brained emotional mess to do anything about it.

            Why can’t men and women just treat each other decently? I don’t freaking get it and I probably never will. :-/

  • Cheater (on D-Day, justifying affair): I thought we got divorced a year ago.
    Chump: How did I miss the divorce summons for a year? Silly me for searching for jobs, houses, and schools for the kids in your new city and then a few months later helping you move back to our home in original hometown, all while we were ‘divorced.’

    OW (drunk-driving habitual homewrecker): We all have a dark side.
    Chump (referring to prostitutes purportedly walking only on the shady side of the street in 19th century): Some of us choose to walk on the sunny side of the street.

  • One afternoon while xH was at “work” again, I began to mow the lawn, since I was, after all, the man AND woman of the house. He returned, guilty, and weakly offered to finish the mowing. I refused. He sneered at me, “You broke a sprinkler head.” I fixed it, like I always did. I looked him straight in the face and said, “SHE makes you feel like a reeeeeeal man, doesn’t she? And I remind you of what you REALLY are.”


    That’s what I was married to. I bet Twat Troll loves her a good coward who pays the bills.

  • He said to me, all humble and shit, “I think I’m going to start going to church” (like his whole hypocritical, faux Christian family). I looked him dead in the eye and said, “No, you don’t need a bunch of bible thumpers telling you that Jesus forgives you. You need to find a therapist who will tell you what a piece of shit you really are and I guarantee that person will start to look like Jesus to you!”.

  • Ha! Three months into the divorce process, my ex complained that I “abandoned” her to pay rent on her own.

    I replied, “I pay just about the same amount as you, and yet I’ve managed just fine. Do I want to be paying this much? Of course not, but that’s the breaks when you have to divorce your lying, cheating, manipulative ex-wife: your wallet also takes a hit. …

    You caused this. Someday, you’ll have to accept that.”

    And, as CL says, six months later, my ex still hadn’t accepted that.

    • I wouldn’t ever expect my ex-wife to admit she did something wrong. A decade later and she still won’t admit she had an affair.

      Of course, OMW and I compared notes, so we know differently.

      I simply don’t trust her, and I usually don’t say any more than that. I’ve not heard from her in over a year now since I put it so succinctly. No clever comeback, just a simple, “I don’t trust you. You’ve never done anything since you had your affair to prove you are worthy of my trust.”

  • “And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too.”

    Okay, I’ll play. My mind was too obliterated for months following my D-days to connect words cleverly, but here are some IMAGINARY retorts to real statements by the She-Beast:

    HER: I’m committed to counseling and reconciliation, but I can’t guarantee that my relationship with [one of the affair partners] is over.
    ME: You clearly don’t understand the word “committed.” That’s kind of the problem.

    HER: I’m not defined by my relationships.
    ME: Right. You’re defined by your whoring and lying. You lying whore.

    HER: My mother said I shouldn’t even try to reconcile because she doesn’t think you’re capable of forgiving.
    ME: I never questioned your pedigree as an evil bitch.

    HER: You can be sure I won’t do this again because it hurts so much to be apart from such a wonderful person [one of her affair partners].
    ME: You have my heartfelt condolences. And by condolences I mean petition for divorce.

    HER: You’re so independent that I didn’t think you needed all of me.
    ME: Good, because I just figured out I don’t need any of you at all.

  • post-divorce

    EX: “I would really like you to consider my living in your basement.
    ME: “Wouldn’t that make you feel uncomfortable when I have a male guest over for the night?”

    EX: “Are you bringing someone to our son’s engagement party?”
    ME: “Yes, and your invitation will include guest, so you are more than welcome to bring a date as long as it is not VaJayJay.”
    EX: “I can’t believe you would think I would be so insensitive to bring OW.”
    ME: “Well, how would you rate bringing OW to a family party vs. imploding your family to be with OW? I think on a 1 to 10 scale I would rate bringing OW to the party a 3 compared to the implosion of life as we knew it. You were willing to leave me and the kids for her, so, yes, I do think you can be insensitive.:
    Crickets again. Badabing!

  • On Halloween morning, while I was rocking my super-sexy Black Widow costume (he had his eyes all over me), I asked him what he’s going to be. He said, “A vampire.” I said, “That’s not really much of a stretch for you, is it?”

    The OW’s name is Dawn and she’s not all that smart. XH has pretty much admitted that she’s on the dumb side. At one point I said, “She’s really not the brightest Dawn in the heavens now, is she?” It must have stung, because when I tried to talk him into reconciliation later on, he refused, “because you were mean to Dawn and you made fun of her.”

    A few days ago, XH said (in reference to me posting at CN), “At least you have support! I’ve had to go through this all alone!” I texted back, “Oh, you poor baby, this has all been such a terrible ordeal for you, hasn’t it?” Pity party denied.

    Finally, I’ve lost it and told him a few times, “F*** you and the whore you rode in on.”

    Then added:

    “And just so we’re clear: the whore is Dawn.”

    Last one: I’ve told him, “I understand that you don’t like me calling Dawn a whore, but I didn’t like you f***ing her, and that wasn’t enough to make you stop, so why should I?”

    • OW in my situation is also really dim. Cheater cowards get big chubs for dumb chicks, because it’s like an instant IQ raise for them without any effort. And that is fucking brilliant!

      • After I was told he found someone else and didn’t want me to ruin it this time I found a receipt for a hotel. A week after I confronted him I guess he discussed it with his whore and the explanation was that he was tired and couldn’t drive home. I responded that his phone records indicated he made the reservation the day before!! Their love is so profound and laughable. Talk about idiot quotient! They will go far!

  • OW: “He told me he had not been intimate with you for over 20 years”
    Me: “Funny, how we have an 18-year daughter, and how he cried in your lap about my miscarriage from 8 years ago.”

    • Lol ChChCh – you may have seen my posts where mine said our 24 yr marriage was barely consummated. Of course, he said that after begging me to take him back and during false reconciliation. It was another way for him to justify his cheating. My attorney’s response was classic – so then, why did she go get tested for STDs after finding out about your affairs?

      • My 13-months later if-only-I-had-thought-of-it-then reply: “Well, unfortunately, it WAS his dick in me all during that time; as much as I now wish it had been someone else’s.”

        • Lol – that is great!

          I should also mention that similar to you, we have a 17-yo daughter.

          I also like when he says ‘it was just sex with them, not like when I make love to you’. What? I thought we had a barely consummated marriage.

  • Chump: I have news for you. OW told me that she knowingly repeatedly exposed you to multiple incurable diseases.
    Cheater: I heard that she always chose the strong, nice guys.
    Chump: No. She chose the weak.

  • Most of the time I was speechless when the absurdities came out of his face. But there were a few times I was able to think on my feet. Here’s one . . .
    Him: She needed my help. Everything for her is a disaster and she’s really trying to change her life!
    Me: Sounds like she’s off to a great start! Going after a married man!! Brilliant!!

  • The backstory is we’d just separated & agreed to D, w/ ex still in-house, after 18 (regrettable) months of Reconciliation. Having major trouble w/ our 18yr son, we’d agreed the next step would be to kick him out if he continued down the wrong path. Ex had been a very passive/checked out parent during his philandering & I carried most of the burden, including being the one to go to his counseling appts & keeping an eye on meds.

    So, ex isnt home. I discover more meds abuse by my son & he cops a major attitude. I tell him to get out, leave the house. He ignores me. At one point even picks up a hunting knife and half heartedly brandishes it at me while laying on his bed, telling me to get out/leave him alone. So, you now have an idea of how fed up I was with the two men in my life. I was assertive but in control. I’m a pro at that by now.

    Son calls ex & says I’m freaking out & all in his face. Total lie. Ex comes home & tries to play peacemaker. I tell him what happened then he goes to son’s room for his side & son is lying thru his teeth. I stepped in & said I wouldn’t sit quietly & listen to lies. Ex tells me to leave the room. I say no I prefer to stay & hear this. Ex LOSES it. Jumps up in my face drill-sergeant style & berates me full-force. It’s all about me now, forget the kid. Everything he wanted to say about what a witch I am for the last 18 mos, but didn’t dare. He was off his rocker with rage..

    I calmly stood there and twice said ‘stop, get back, get out of my face’. Each time he revved it up more. As he did I though about how this man I had protected from his own secrets, whose kids I demanded still treat their father with respect, was now ripping ME apart in front of our son. I slapped him once.. He paused briefly then revved it up even more. I slapped him again & said, calmly STOP, GET AWAY FROM ME NOW. He exploded & SCREAMED that no, isnt this (getting in someone’s face) what I do? How does it feel now? Is this how I solve all my problems?!
    He paused for breath & I leaned forward, glared him in the eye & said very calmly “No, I go out & fuck hookers”.
    BAM! There it was. He stood there in Shocked Silence.
    The straw had broken this camel’s back. In front of our son. No more. We had agreed he’d stay in house w/ the goal of coparenting our troubled son til he got off to college. Instead he enabled & I no longer felt safe in my own house.
    I achieved ‘Meh’ that day & started dating, putting myself first for the first time in many many years.
    Wow, that was long. Sorry!

    • ChumptyDumpty I can relate to your story. Good for you; standing up for yourself and happy to hear you moved on and dating. I’m at the beginning and can’t even imagine that I could date again. Are there truly good men out there?

      • I believe there are, but haven’t found one yet. Not one that I had reciprocal feelings for, anyway. Got chumped by another cake eater instead. . He loves me ‘deeply’ though. Gag! Don’t they all? Double gag. Lol But honestly if you’re just going thru the initial stages of this, the goal should be to just get out & meet new people & have fun.
        That moment was a real catalyst for me. I went out with friends & let loose while my pussy of an exH sat home stewing & plotting to charge me with assault for slapping him Needless to say I squashed that idea like a bug.
        But, in the end it was a liberating experience. I got the ex out of the house & set my own rules for my son if he wanted to be in my house (which worked!)
        Try to force yourself to get out & have fun, it really does help you to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Cheater: Every man cheats.
    Chump: Tell that to your son so he can fuck up his family like you did! Tell that to your daughter on her wedding day!
    Cheater: silence

  • I love your web, Stacy, and read your uplifting and hilarious contributions daily for past 5 months. Thank yu so much.
    I am not aware if I’m an official chump. But I am a victim of severe domestic abuse and my Abuser is a sociopath capable of anything. He drove me almost to insanity. You know that cheaters, like abusers, are alike in their huge sense of entitlement, control, and no conscience. Cheating is just another expression of the abuse. So I’m right at home with all of you guys here 🙂
    Well, I’m happily separated for 2 weeks now after 11 year marriage!! I’m doing my driving licence, fixing my teeth (no money for my needs ever in this bondage) and started evening school (emerging mightiness :))

    Stupid shit he said recently? I had a moment and with tears in eyes said…how are we going to navigate all this…. the soul-less shark instantly changed hid demeanor from hostile and cold as an ice pick to sorrowful, seeing his chance.. He rushed to me with the ‘concerned’ face and his usual patronizing embrace, saying..”Honey, I still think we should grow old together..” As he gripped me, I snapped to reality as my body just stiffened! I told him: Honey, I would not grow old with you, I would just grow dead…
    He turned from lovey-dovey to nasty instantly and sneered at me: Like I have anything to lose here. I actually laughed out loud….man, few months earlier I would have fallen for it again. Now I have x-ray vision and what a sight it is. You have to give them this much. Sociopaths are fascinating. Like a lion or tiger or a deadly virus.

  • I always miss out on the good stuff! I have no story to share. I believe silence is golden and just stayed silent until I let my lawyer do all the talking. I figured that any confrontation would be blase. I always said, “The silence should scare him shitless after what he did.”

  • Last yr I opened a savings account to deposit my paychecks and save for the retainer because he had been using one of our joint bank accounts for the past ten yrs to entertain his fuckbuddies and true love MOW. I was open about the establishing my account.

    He said, no kidding, : ” But we didn’t discuss this!”

    My reply, ” Well, we also never discussed you taking our money to entertain your sex partners. You know, the co-workers, sex workers, adult friend finders and your decade long girl friend. We also never discussed how my paycheck was going to be used to fund those adventures either.”

  • Background… STBX was a “big-wig ” in our church……Head elder, Sunday school teacher…..when he then moved in with the OT ( a younger co-worker) , I asked him how, as a “Christian, bible-believing man” , he could live with another woman while he was still married. He replied that in his heart he had been divorced for a long time. My reply, ” we’ll, in MY MIND I am a billionaire , but you don’t see me out spending money like I am!!!”…. That is only ONE of the many stupid things that he has said ogre the last 3 years!!!!

    • Karen slates, my Cheater said something similar… when I complained that he and OW got to call the shots and destroy our relationship behind my back, he said, “I left you a long time ago, Margaret. I just didn’t tell you about it.” While I continued to pay 100% of our food, 90% of mortgage, his cell phone etc working my ass off while he fucked numerous women and I believe some me. Right, “leaving” usually entails taking your clothes and other crap and relocating to another abode! duh!

  • Fucktard, before I found out about the OW, upon announcing that he was ending our relationship: “I’m ready for a fresh start.”
    I wish I’d known about the OW then, or I would have said, “Don’t you mean a fresh tart?”

    Fucktard (after I knew about the OW): “I’m not leaving you for her, I’m leaving because you make me unhappy.”
    Me: “You met her at self-fulfillment camp and two weeks later you broke up with me. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

  • I had a stern conversation with dipshit’s ho-worker on June 18th laying down the no-contact law. While I could have been rude, I was quite composed when dealing with her. She contacted me 3 times in the matter of a few weeks, by text, to give me updates on her life, ask how our vacation was and tell me about my husband’s long nose hair that needed trimming. I was polite but kept the convo’s short.

    Imagine my surprise when I get a Facebook message from her, telling me to F&*k off and to not contact her again or she’ll call the police and “acusse me of harasment” (spelling kept in original form to preserve her stupidity).

    I ask fuckwit when the last time he saw her was. Oh the day before, he had lunch with her. Why? Didn’t he remember no contact? Yeah, well the guys (and the whore) ordered lunch and he didn’t want to be rude by not eating with her.

    So, I tell him about her threat to me. He says ugh, that doesn’t sound like her. I ask him, why is she flipping the hell out on me if you two are just friends? Him – ugh, no idea.

    Well then a-hole, the next time you have lunch with her, tell her that if she wants to threaten me she can take her 90 lb bulimic ass down to xxxxx (my address) and I’ll knock whatever teeth she has left in her mouth down the back of her throat.

  • Hah! Saw this on FB today:

    I would recommend some aloe for that burn.

    …Not that I think the cheaters shouldn’t suffer….

  • I’ve never been very quick on the draw with a good smackdown, or even with just witty repartee, so I have to credit a line from the movie The Ref (Kevin Spacey) with shutting the ex up tight one night and leaving me feeling soooooooo smug.

    After months of his moping around because the OW was putting pressure on him to leave, we got into an argument about his attitude late one night after the kids were asleep. I don’t even remember what it was that I said that elicited the response: “Well, we all have our cross to bear” (Jesus cheater, you know) Me: Well, not all of us like to climb up onto it and nail ourselves to it.”

    Take that, Martyr Man.

  • My son, Sam, is very successful financially, and while he has been away working, a buddy of his came to visit our home last night (he is sweet on my daughter, so I made them all dinner, including cheaterpants). This buddy/guest is well aware of the strained situation in our home; as I believe my son and daughter have briefed him. They know I am secretly planning my getaway in the next few months when my daughter graduates, but it seems as though STBX is getting suspicious (perhaps it’s my state of meh). While at the dinner table, my husband makes a scathing remark in front of our guest – something along the lines of, “how would you ever pay for this house without me”. The buddy/guest… without a moment of hesitation says… “Well, duh, Sam (my son) of course!”

    To be clear – I can actually pay for my own home all by myself – I am employed and financially independent, which makes me wonder why he would say such a ridiculous stuff in front of a guest int he first place. But, on the other hand – we do know why, don’t we, to embarrass and reduce me. BUT it was refreshing to have someone retort on my behalf. Knowing that others have your back in these awkward situations is the best feeling the world. 🙂

  • When OW1 and I argued over the phone after he had dumped her and told me that their affair was born of true friendship but “it grew and it grew on electrical attraction”. I should have commiserated on the power cut.
    When she told me that “he had his dreams for a future with me” I agreed…but added “its reality that he cannot handle”.

  • Him: we can still be friends after the divorce.
    Me: after the divorce I’m never speaking to you again.
    Him: you have to-there will be lots of times where we will be at the same event- like our daughter’s wedding. You can’t prevent me from attending.
    Me: I don’t have to attend.
    Him: you hate me enough to skip our daughter’s wedding?
    Me: yes (neither daughter has spoken to him in 13 years!).

  • I thought of a come back for both x and ow (now wife) when I will eventually at sometime in the future have to see them together.
    I was thinking about what I would say if they came up to me with polite hello, etc and decided I would ignore them. Knowing x, he would try to take charge and look good doing it and say something like “you should at least try to be respectful here, we are trying”. I will respond with: I will show you and cash cow the same respect you both showed me when I was your wife!

  • Another one…

    I shared the link to OW’s idiotic blog post on dumping my then-husband over on the Chump Chat forums. A few chumps left her some harsh comments (none of which ever saw the light of day; commentators have to have an approved comment before their comments appear, so OW was the only one who ever saw them). In response, then-husband says she is threatening legal action against me.

    Him: “You need to tell people to stop commenting or she’ll–”

    Me: “Or she’ll what? Repeal the 1st Amendment?”

    I then told him that if she really wants to drag her extramarital affair with him out across a very-public harassment or IIED suit that isn’t likely to succeed (and isn’t going to recover any money even if it does succeed), tell her to bring it.

    That shut them up.

  • When she told me that he was only staying for the sake of HIS kids whom he loves very much and reminded me that he is their parent just as much as I am….Really, I am so glad to know that but I seem to remember being there at their conception so, unless you were there too, I am the best judge of that!

    • Here’s one for the foolish, immoral OW: “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” -John Wooden. I would also add, “The best thing a father can do for his children is stay faithful to their mother, his wife, for their entire marriage.”

  • I told both my XH and OW the same thing. “He’s a cheater who fucks other women and she’s a Skank Whore who fucks married men. A match made in hell.” I have seen glimpses of the Karma Bus and it has driven around their culdesac a few times. It’s not over until it’s over. I’ve spoken to him a few times lately (it’s been several years since we split up and I’m at Meh) and the longing in his voice for me is crazy. The things you want are only worth the price you’re willing to pay for them. My life is awesome these days.

  • When asked why he heated with a much younger howorker he said “I had to save her from her horrible husband.”
    I said”well I wonder when my knight in shining armor is going to save me from my horrible husband? Oh yeah, I’m married and shouldn’t be fucking someone else while married. That shut him up.
    When I asked why he texted her so many times in 6 weeks he said” it’s not like we could date?”
    My response “well yeah because you were fucking married dumbass!” Crickets lol

  • Cheater – “What do you mean you want a divorce? We have something so special!”

    Me – ” Special? Really…you really are saying what we have is special? What I gave to you and our marriage and family was special but for you to tell me that what WE have is special is wrong. Would you tell our daughter to stay with her husband because they had something special if he does to her what you have done to me?”

    Cheater – Silence and sad face cause I hurt his feelings.

    BTW – I hate the sad face and the insulted look on his face when I say something mean. I guess in his book words are worse than giving someone HPV. Ugh.

  • My cheater’s OW called me (she found out that she was being played by him as well and must have wanted my sympathy) and left me a voice mail message that MY HUSBAND (funny how she knew this but it didn’t stop her from fucking him and hurting my daughters) had become “quite a good liar!!”. Ya don’t say!!!??

    I called her back and left her a message and said…..”He has gotten really good at lying, after all he has been doing that for years now. Cheaters are LIARS! And before you throw stones, look in the mirror because YOU ARE JUST LIKE HIM!!!”

  • X is a colossal snob. This characteristic fits nicely with his belief that he is the smartest guy on the planet. But it is also ironic, because underneath the exterior, he is a dimwit who has spent his life doing the minimum required. He habitually poaches talk radio soundbites and passes them off as “original thoughts.

    When he was in full affair mode and squatting at our home until their love shack was ready to move into, he gave me shit for not going to be home until later that evening, because, “I have a work function.” Even though he was unemployed again.

    I hissed, “Function? Is that what you’re calling your piece of shit work whore these days?”

    He blustered, “Where are you going?”

    I responded, “I’m working at the University.”

    His sarcastic retort: “Oh, you mean “State High School”?”

    “You mean “State University,” where I just got my master’s degree and a coveted job as an instructor? At least it didn’t take me ten years to get my bachelors.”

    He has lied for years about his graduation date.

    “Oh, that’s right; I’m the asshole loser.”

    To which I deadpanned, “On that we both agree. Obviously you’ve found your perfect, white-trash match.”

  • When he said he only slept with her once.
    I said, “Wow, really? that must be really hard on your ego”
    He asked why I would say that.
    I said, “Well, seems to me that they only ever sleep with you once. A lot of men would have a hard time dealing with that, you know, thinking they may not know how to please a woman kinda thing. But hey, if you are ok with it, good for you.”
    When he called me a psycho bitch,
    I sat quiet for a few minutes and then said,”You know I have been thinking.” He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.
    I said, “if I were you I would be really concerned about myself.”
    He rolled his eyes again, “and why is that?”
    Me:”Well, all your ex’s were psycho bitches and you just called me a psycho bitch.”
    Him:” Yeah, so?”
    Me” Well that can only mean one of two things, either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches. Either way you have a real problem.”

  • After I got a 4 page typed letter sent anonymously to my work, exposing their 3 year affair, I took a picture of the first page and texted it to his sorry ass while he was at work… along with the word “busted”.

    When I got home (after a couple of hours of girlfriend sense checks) he was sat in the dark with his coat on waiting on me.

    As I turfed his sorry ass out the door, my parting shot was:
    “You know. While you were sat on your fat lazy arse, practising that whiny whipped face you’re wearing, you could’ve done some fucking dishes”… boot.

    • “As I turfed his sorry ass out the door, my parting shot was:
      “You know. While you were sat on your fat lazy arse, practising that whiny whipped face you’re wearing, you could’ve done some fucking dishes”… boot.”

      That’s priceless Gin!! I love it!! Thank you for the chuckle lol! :)))))

  • When I was at counselling with my ex to try to sort out property division etc, the counsellor made the very grave error of making a certain comment in his attempt to make us leave the emotional hurt out of any conversations we had. I had been pretty much stripped of my self esteem whilst married to the ex, and never said boo to him in fear of his response, but the counsellor’s comment was just too much for me to bear. He said “You two should be able to work these issues out, after all you are two people with similar values…”
    I saw red, and said, “Excuse me, there is NOTHING similar about our values. I have them, he doesn’t”.
    If looks could kill, ex would have had me 6 feet under, but at that moment, I felt very empowered indeed.

  • After a few months of not hearing from XH, he resurfaces yet again! He emailed me about a issue I have nothing to do with and only he can fix, but asks me to fix it.

    XH: I hope you’re well. Congratulations on your engagement, I’m sure he’s less shitty than me.

    Me (in my mind): Oh please, a truck full of manure is less shitty than you.

        • 🙂 lol, true. in fact, one of the best things I ever said to Dingbat-paralegal-OW was right before the sleeping-bag-bunny-hopping-incident itself:

          After a few months of “working on our marriage,” I saw her text to him as we returned from dinner w/ XH’s grandmother. I grabbed his phone & called OW, and shared what I knew about her (my friends’ parents had actually known OW’s family for years, OW’s dad cheated & left her mom practically penniless, etc.):

          Me: “…Your parents are divorced, right? You know, you and I have that in common. My dad screwed around on my mother, too. And you know exactly what that pain feels like…”

          OW: “No, you’re mistaken.”

          Me: “No, I don’t think so. Isn’t your dad named [xx]? And your family lived on [xx] street near [Friend A] and [Friend B]? And don’t forget, I’ve met your mother – twice. You know exactly how it feels to go through infidelity in your family and what it did to your mother – and yet you decided to grow up and become a common WHORE who sleeps with married men? Your mother will be *thrilled* to know she raised such a piece of trash.”

          And some time after that…when I told XH I wanted a divorce, he asked why:

          Me: “Because you’re nothing but a parasite and I don’t want you in my life anymore!”

          XH: (sad sausage face) “That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  • After 2nd (known) D-day, I gave the cheater an ultimatum to either stop seeing OW immediately and go into heavy marital counseling, or get the h*** out. He left that night to go shack up with his ho. He called the next morning to said he would be coming back sometime over the a couple of days to get the rest of his clothes.
    Me: Well, you need to make sure I’m here so you can get in. I changed the locks today.
    Him: *totally shocked voice* You CHANGED the locks?!?!!
    Me: um, yeah, that’s how it’s done when someone abandons the marital home…unless you feel like giving ME a key to your new digs?
    Him: *crickets*

  • I credit my teenage daughter with the best simple verbal smack in the face to the other man.. still my ex’s boyfriend.

    He fancies himself quite the awesome friendly guy, a blandly handsome self satisfied type. He is the man who was deemed “a positive thinker” by my ex … and I was so negative… having a chronic illness, a daughter with cancer and another daughter with emotional issues. Darn.

    Anyway, my kick-ass awesome cancer surviving daughter is putting whipped cream on a piece of pie in my ex’s kitchen. “Mmmmm” OM says, “whipped cream tastes good on everything!”.

    “Not on the holocaust” says daughter.

    She dislikes him, by the way.

  • I think it was an action over words for me:
    He’d let his bitch take over my seat in our first car that we’d bought together, both on the title, sentimental to me. He drove it mostly and I had my own car.

    I sold that car while he was out of town, left the bill of sale and his half of the proceeds on the table for him when he got home. That one still makes me smile 🙂
    He never really even said much about it – he was either shocked, scared or impressed. Maybe all 3? Lol.

  • Him: Why does everything have to be an argument with you, Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong?

    Me: I actually prefer the title of “Master Debater” if we are going to start name-calling, Captain Low-Hanging Fruit.

  • On D-Day, via text:

    STBX: “I was unhappy and I found things I liked about myself. That’s the main issue.”

    Me: “And you handled it in the most narcissistic way possible, and affecting the lives of many. Congratulations. Glad you had to destroy 2 families to do it. With 3 innocent kids. Now I am not going to wast any more time talking to you. You suck. Goodbye.”

  • OH MY, any of you chumps see this yet?

    even the teen cheater used the same lines, but our young chump put her in her place. This kid posted a hilarious text exchange between him and his ex-girlfriend on Twitter. The cheater ex-girlfriend says “it was only one guy” and when chump still don’t want her, she comes back with “you will never find someone like me again.” Kind of reminded me of my cheater.

  • When I confronted my ex about buying earrings for his whore, he explained that they were only $30 from JC Penney. As if the cheapness would make it all better. Later I found out that they were from a fine jeweler and cost much more than $30.

  • I wanted to stand up from eating my pot pie and give you a slow clap on that one.
    Simply brilliant.
    I was so convinced by her of the affair being my fault that I could offer no quick responses. She truly believed the vitriol coming out of her own mouth. She was very convincing, and I had always trusted her implicitly.
    My wits were as sharp as a bowling ball. Had no sense of boundaries. I had existed as someones’ husband, and that was all I knew. I had become a codependent worm.

    By the time my brain function returned to normal and I had regained some sense of self, I no longer discussed the relationship and conversed only by email in the same manner I would with a tax assessor (thanks CL!). One, two sentences at best. Infuriates her.

  • During a conversation after DDay 2, my XH told me he was “tired of me questioning his morals”. I replied that “I can’t question your morals because evidently you don’t have any.” Hard to believe that in his twisted mind that he thinks he is a moral person.

  • My stupid cheater said, “She’s a remarkable woman.”

    My response, “Yeah remarkable women fuck married men with children all time.”

    He was so clueless. He still is. He refers to his affair as a “thing.” As in “these types of things don’t happen in a vacuum.” That’s his words. It’s a “thing.”

    He accused me of driving him to drink and to fuck around. I said, “I did not put that whore in front of you to fuck and I did not put that bottle to your lips for you to drink. Those were your shitty choices.”

    He then accused me of being disrespectful. Ha!

    • thensome, interestingly, my Cheater used the word “thing”, as well, thusly, as I was telling him he coudn’t stay here if he wasn’t going to give her up: “Why are you doing this, Margaret!? I told you! I don’t even know if it’s real with her, or just, just .. just another THING!” (at which point I was really confused but now months later after evidence of prior OW I realize he had lots of “things” over the years. He meant why was I kicking him out of our home if he wasn’t sure yet that OW of the moment was going to be another longterm wallet like me, instead of one of those other kind of “things” where you just fuck someone secretly but don’t expect to support you for decades.

    • “these types of things don’t happen in a vacuum.”

      The vacuum happens when the cheaters suck the life out of the marriage. So it does happen in a vacuum, one created by the idiot that says stupid things like the above.

  • The Jesus cheater OW challenged me to “go ahead and tell that fine man” (her husband, who was an elder in her church) adding that he wouldn’t ever cheat on her the way my husband had done… So I printed out all of the incriminating evidence, added a thoughtful cover letter, and put it in an envelope marked “prayer request”. The best part was that her neighbor saw me waiting (uncomfortably) and offered to give the packet to her husband. While I feel bad for him, she totally got what she deserved. My stupid cheater told me that he “resented me for getting involved”. I told him to go pick her up when her husband kicked her to the curb – so they could screw like dogs in the gutter where they both belong. Yeah, I was a little pissed. So glad his cesspool existance is not my problem anymore.

    • “adding that he wouldn’t ever cheat on her the way my husband had done…”

      What in the hell? And that’s somehow supposed to give her some sort of upper hand? “My husband would never cheat on me like that so I’m off the hook for being someone else’s affair partner!” Such bullshit.

  • After confronting her in a public setting about the OM, my XW denied and lied about him. She resorted to old lines about me not bringing in enough money citing an obscure Old Testament passage about how that meant she could return to her father–i.e. divorce. (I was in the process of launching my professional career, which I am happy to report happened miraculously while all this crap was flying.) Exchange went something like this:

    xW: I can divorce you Biblically because you didn’t support me.

    Me: Well, if we are going Old Testament here. You would be dead.

    • Love it! You have some really good ones. I usually have zingers after the fact.

      Reminds me of when I recorded him meeting OW, and I played it back for him. He kept saying what is this over and over. After about 20 times of him saying that, he finally admitted he saw her on his way home. But then said

      Him: “You know recording someones conversation is illegal”

      Me: “Last time I checked so is adultery is some states, including this one”

  • I mental noted a comeback from a tv show long ago and it would fit in a cheating scenario (this is my imaginary conversation, no real life stories to tell)

    (insert some sparkly comment from ex spouse or AP about how awesome they apparently are)
    me: Does it hurt you back to kiss your own ass like that? Oh wait, you have the AP to do that. Must be tasty kissing a mouth full of your own shit.

  • A couple of weeks before the ex ran off, the OW had left her husband. I found out and said to the ex, now your in for your chance (I had an idea that something might have been going on). His response, no way, all I would do then is pay for spray tans and make up. About 4 weeks later, he packed his stuff while I was at work and left I found him at the OWs house a week later. I sad well mate, I guess you are paying for spray tans and make up now aren’t you… crickets…..

  • It wasn’t me but my daughter at the age of 5. She was with me on a weekend and simply said her mom lost her soul.

    Not that mom ever heard it. Out of the mouths of babes.

    That baby is now 16, driving, honor student, etc. Lives with me most of the time. Doesn’t really like the revolving door for men at mom’s place.

  • upon first dday and with an excessive amount of the F-bomb in between:

    Me (pist, dry-heaving, shaking, could barely breathe): why would you ever do this? What is lacking in your world that would constitute you to screw around and cheat on your pregnant wife? that is sick…you are one demented soul…how sickening!!!
    ExH: well, you don’t pay any attention to me anymore. It’s always the girls (7 and 2 y/olds at the time) and now this pregnancy. What about me? I have needs too. And stop cussing, it’s not you.
    Me: cussing is keeping me from killing you so unless you want die now, then yes, I will cuss. So well now, back to the point at hand…when you squeeze out a few kids from your peepee hole, run a household in its entirety without skipping a beat, hold down a full time job, and do all of this with a smile and love for the family, then I might consider tending to your ‘needs’ in my spare moment.

    Nothing was ever the same again. DDAY #2, different gf, comes around, a variety of excuses:

    “I’m insecure, i have low self esteem. She showed some interest…what was I supposed to do?” -hum…you’re in sales you dumb F!!! How are you insecure if you gab all day long, persuade and convince clients to buy your product… WTF? Shit, use hour own tactics, find a self help book you dumbass and read it!!! Take notes and give yourself a pep-talk.

    “It was a dare. They were going to tease me the whole night!” (at a client dinner HE hosted for clients) -shit, wtf, are you 5 years old? Oh…let’s see…I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU TO KEEP DIGGING YOURSELF INTO A BIGGER HOLE!!! And he did…crazy shit was flying out of his mouth. Then, our oldest DD14 at the time, walked out of her room (she alerted me to his cheating a few weeks prior) and just tapped his shoulder lightly and said: dad, just stop, really…stop. When mom dared you, did you notice the tone? She turns to me and says, oh mom, I dare you to kick him out. And so I did…then we giggled as two teenagers do when drooling over a boy while he packed his shit.

    “But (the twat) wants to bake DD8 birthday cake. Why not, that’s what she does for a living.” -DD15 now, turns and says to him: I DARE you to bring her and her baked good near me and my sisters. Please note the tone!!!!

    We also dared him to leave his shit in the garage and guess what? He did. Sold it all this past weekend and used proceeds to complete LeAnna’s wish list from Amazon.

    To this day, 6 months post-divorce, we find a DARE or two for him just for kicks. It’s funny how his perspective of the daring game has changed…

  • He left on Saturday, came back to collect shit on Monday and asked me had I done his washing? I started explaining something to him, whereby he yelled at me and asked again “did you do my washing?” I smiled at him calmly and answered “yes, it’s all in the bag in the garage”. He should have asked me whether I’d dried his fucking washing!!!! It was all put in the bag wet and mixed with all his dirty garden clothes and left to steam since Saturday morning. Well, at least I didn’t lie!

    • Wow, Nat1 – the audacity to ask or demand that you to do his laundry, speaks to more emotional abuse and his attempts to control you despite everything. Freeatlast, good for you to be living the fab life. It is sad that cheaters think they are so much smarter than us, but it’s worse that they care nothing about hurting us, degrading us or tearing up a marriage due to their selfish behavior. Glad you’re both free. Hugs…

  • Before my soon to be ex moved out of our house, he moved into the spare bedroom. He said he would move onto the spare bedroom so I could get used to sleeping on my own. I said I’m not the one who has a problem sleeping on my own. What a jerk!

    • I found out that H had been giving an OW our money for years. Through Paypal, CC advances, etc. When H got angry one day and tried to tell me about their deep feelings for each other, I put on an accent from her country and said, “H, if you send me $50, I will [give you oral sex.

  • Him- if you do not stop telling people outside the community what had happened, I will start telling people you are violent.
    Me- go right ahead.

    Community- four church elders including senior minister who went into damage control including trying to convince me it was up to me to ensure our marriage stayed intact.

    What has happened- what I did. 8 yrs multipal partners, massive denial no remorse, enough gaslighting to illuminate a small town.

    My violence- yelling, cussing, throwing crap out of sheer frustration, bouts of self harm. Non of which I am proud of. Multiple requests for truth or divorce. To which I receive more gaslighting.

    What I wish I had said.

    Go ahead tell people I am violent, at least I’m not the one who hit you in the head with a skateboard and robbed you following a BJ. Must have been hard to defend yourself while on your knees.

  • My comeback was not to ex, but to our marriage counselor, after I had the protective order in place. She sent me an email saying “we” owed her for some sessions, my response: “Your insistence on saving my marriage nearly got me killed, you expect me to pay you for that?” and “Seeing you was ex’s idea. Here is his phone # and address, bill him”.

    I never heard from her again.

  • Just remembered this one – post Dday (cannot remember how long…), loss of home, me and daughters still in PTSD mode….

    XH: you would be happier if i was with anyone else other than her (OW)
    Me: that is how normal people think and feel

  • Just remembered this one…post Dday (cannot recall how long), post lost home, me and adult daughters still in grief and PTSD mode as he rode off into sunset grinning widely with OW

    XH: You would be happier if i was with anyone else but her
    Me: (stunned at first…) That is how normal people think and feel

  • I have a few:

    xh: (to my friends) Can you leave the room? I want to talk to my wife.
    me: Oh, NOW you remember you have a wife. When did that occur to you?

    xh: I put a deposit on a condo for you today. It’s right around the corner, so we can still be friends!
    me: I hope you can get that money back. I am no longer required to accept what you decide I may have, and there is no “we.”

    xh: (at court, after three months of near starvation due to lack of support) You’ve lost weight! You look great! Why couldn’t you do that for me?
    me: You didn’t deserve it.

    Crickets, crickets, and crickets.

  • In the early days after he moved out, Asshat tried to get me to sleep with him. My comeback was “I’m saving myself for remarriage.”

  • I told my STBXW’s parents about the affair. She was furious and said, “Our marriage problems are between you and me.” I replied, “They were between you and me until you brought in a third party.”

  • ‘The Great I Am’ gaslighted me for 18 months while he had his affair, and then for 2 years after D Day totally denied that the affair had been physical, insisting it was just a bit of ‘harmless office banter’. Finally, after much angst and crap he moved out then, a few months later, when he was trying to woo me back (hah – or something like that) admitted they did have sex. I, understandably in my eyes, went ballastic and told him to go forth and multiply and never darken my doorstep again lest I rearrange the much lamented nose job he’d had done, for free! A few hours later, I received a text from his sister telling me he was threatening suicide and could I just sort it out as she was in the supermarket and didn’t have time for this shit, so I texted him the following message (I’ve kept it because I’m proud of it)!:

    Don’t know what you mean about covering all ground (he’d tried to deflect with ‘but you knew it was sex all along and we’ve gone over it before) -don’t care what u mean to be honest. Felt sorry for u when I heard u howl on voicemail but then another part of me thought – yes u feel it P – doesnt it hurt like a bastard when someone u love + trust + led u to believe u were safe with them – then goes + betrays u. Now add on to that primal howl 3 and half years of being treated like shit for feeling that pain + u mite be on the suburbs of where I have been + still am rite now. If you are going to top urself P it wud b in keeping with the thoroughly selfish + ungrateful person u r. But – nice birthday pressie for I (his brother) – eh? Personally the only reason I cud give a rats arse if u carry out ur threats is because my wish for ur skanky dick to rot slowly off ur living body wont come true. Every step of this has been about poor u u u. Grow some balls why don’t u?

    • PS – of course he didn’t attempt suicide. His self-pity play (that and his ‘righteous anger) had kept me in place for 3 and half years, he’d temporarily run out of ideas for how he could manipulate me, so this threat was his fall back until he could think of another way to mindfuck me – bringing his sister into the scene was a nice touch, I guess (play on my chumpiness). He did manage to think of another way to fuck me over, it’s the one he’s sticking to like glue now: Apparently he is the moral superior being because ‘he never did anything to deliberately hurt me’ whereas the things I said to him (like the text above, and you know, calling him a cheat and a liar etc) were deliberately meant to hurt him – so hah – he trumps me (apparently) – he’s the good guy done wrong, I’m the evil bitch. God I hate him for it, when I can be arsed to think about it these days (trying hard not to)!

        • Thanks CJ 🙂 I have got a caustic tongue, but truthfully, until he cheated he was never, ever on the receiving end of it – very few people in my life have ever been on the receiving end of it (I adored him, truth be known, I thought we were blissfully happy). I figure if the worst he can say of me is that I’ve got a sharp tongue – (and that is the worst he can say) – he can kiss my arse! 😀

  • PPS

    ChumpLady – loved, loved, loved your retorts to OW! OK so ‘un-Meh’ which obviously meant you were living the pain at the time, but wow, almost worth it, knowing she got to hear those words, particularly ‘That’s Mrs Whore to you’. Oh, that’s poetry!!!!! 😀

  • My idiot was always one drum beat behind… And I often got the point for a ‘ good one ‘ after awhile it was like shooting fish in a barrel. He would get so irritated cause it would take him a day or two to catch on. After awhile I started saying ‘ call her, she will explain to u’
    That REALLY use to,piss him off.
    One of my favorites is ….
    Him: ‘ your problem is you can’t see that there is a good man standing right in front of you’
    Me: I lean in whisper ‘ do you see dead people? ‘
    He stood for 5 mins so very puzzled…

  • the only thing i got is kinda lame cuz i was literally shell shocked by his hatefullness and cruelity. but the night i found out about her, i called him later to tell him i was going to file the papers in the morning and give him the divorce he wanted and for him to give me the money to file. he kept saying hateful shit to me yand blaming me for this and that. i would start defending myself and then quit saying it didnt matter just give me the money. so i wasnt really arguing or fighting at all it was all him

    anyway at some poinshe takes the phone away from him and she starts telling me off. she respects him. she doesnt judge me she respects me. i told her she didnt know me or know him. her response was i just needed to get over it.and i dont need totalk to him anymore. i said i can taalk to my husband. that we had 4 years . . and i doubt she understood what that meant cuz ahe probably never been with a man that long. she says oh you dont know me. i am still married. to which i acrually laughed and said then you two deserve each other. you are perfect for each other….

    not really witty or a slap in the face but honest and true. i wish i had wittier comebacks like u all. thank u for the laughs. u people rock

  • o i thought of another one. when they were pissed off because i suggested he come visit the boys. she texted back thank u wee will come pick them up later. i told her not u just him. u are not welcome in my house. which didnt go over well and she staarted telling me off. how i am only hurting my boys and he divorced me not the boys. atone point she says you are just going to have to accept that we are a couple. i responded and you are going to have to accept that u are aa piece of shit. and why do ihave to respect that they are a couple when she didnt accept or respect that he and i were a couple and marriedx when she started fucking him

    • Great responses MrsVain. Sounds like he got himself a real winner oh I’m sorry I meant whiner.

      Stick to your guns. You are mighty. She has no right to say anything regarding your marriage or children. The SHAME is on her and your cheating spouse.

  • OW said to me, “I don’t know this man you speak of with such venom and hatred in your blog. I only know a loving caring man.”

    My response: No you don’t know this man, but you’ll eventually find out. Good luck because you’re going to need it.”

  • I saw this quote on Pinterest that I thought could be helpful. If a cheater accuses you of bailing on the marriage, you can reply, “I’m not giving up. I’m just starting over.” I love how Meh it sounds!

  • When I busted the ex, his cheating was still virtual. He had not worked in over three years, and as he approached fifty, he methodically went about effecting change by attempting to find himself a “sugar mama” who could support him while he and I divorced. He thought that he could not only avoid child support in this fashion, but perhaps get support, and or a settlement. He seemed to have forgotten that I made our living in internet security, and was quite careless with his laptop and phone. He traveled to the OW’s state to consummate (or reconsummate, she was a high school girlfriend whom he’d knocked up thirty years prior) the affair while I was out of the country with the children for a school trip. He planned to ask for the divorce upon my return. The time from my discovery of the affair to the day he planned to ask was almost two months, and I had the divorce paperwork ready and the private investigator’s report on my attorney’s desk, though I’d never told my cheater he’d been discovered. When the day came, and he asked me for a divorce, he never mentioned the OW, though I allowed him to ramble on at length. There had been a great deal of time for me to practice my reply, so when he asked for my thoughts, I said,

    “You had the audacity to ask me, the day before I flew overseas, to pick you up a can of travel-sized hairspray, so you could take it with you on the plane to go fuck your girlfriend. You had the further audacity to stand in my kitchen with a bunch of stuff you’d gathered up to take to the pawn shop and tell me it was all my fault that you didn’t have the money for the plane fare to go and fuck your girlfriend. You laid the rough side of your tongue to me and called me names when you needed my help, when you needed technical support to attach a printer so you could print out the forms required by the clinic where you had an appointment to take the STD test your girlfriend demanded you take before she would let you come fuck her. I let these things, and many more, slide – and you are holding a letter in your hands that I left you before you did what you did, trying to talk you out of doing out of it. But it did not work, you were not swayed, and you DID get on that plane, and you DID go fuck your girlfriend, and so now all I have to say is – fuck you both. I’m done.”

    I filed the next day.

  • STBX, who cheated with an MOW (six children between our two families, living only a block apart): “She’s a very spiritual person.”

    Me: A spiritual adulteress? That’s a new one.”

    STBX, 3 months after leaving me and our 3 children for her: “I have found a new peace.”

    Me: I think you mean you have found a new piece of ass.”

  • My husband said that he DID cheat in me but he never LIED to me. His rational? That I never asked him if he was having an affair. WTF??? I didn’t know I had to ask those kinda of questions in my marriage. He looked up the definition in the dictionary and was super convinced that he did not “lie” to me.
    So I looked up the definition of “lie” and the saw that it means to “put in a horizontal position”…seriously. The stupid shit we go through as Chumps. I looked at him, told him that definition and told him “Well you did put my best friend in a horizontal position to f$&@ her…so I guess you DID “lie” you POS!!”

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