You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?
The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?
She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?
You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.
And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.
Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the Perfect Withering zinger at exactly the Perfect Moment…
…Only it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.
They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?
I landed a few blows on the long-term OW in my story (who had wanted to marry him and played OW throughout three marriages, probably more by now). When she called me a whore, I said “That’s Mrs. Whore to you.” I also added, “Poor Alyson, always a fuckbuddy, never a bride.”
I see in retrospect it was terribly un-meh, and a version of the pick me dance. Why would ANY sentient person want to be this cheater’s bride? I just knew it was a vulnerable soft spot for her, and as she had fucked my then-husband, I felt it only appropriate to throw the harpoon. No regrets.
When I wrote my book The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.
“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:
“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”
So today you choose the Stupid Shit the Cheater Said and your reply.
And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)
Get uppity, chumps!