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And the Cake Winners Are…


Boy that was some DEEP cake you guys served. Over 400 comments and they’re still coming!

Every submission was so absolutely appalling, it was hard to choose! (How’s that for a cake metaphor?) So in proper cake spirit, I didn’t just pick one winner — I picked three! Yum, yum cake!

(If I was really cake-y, I’d make the contest go on indefinitely so you could all do the pick me dance.)

The winners are


Her: “If anyone can get past it and save our marriage, it’s you. [The Other Man] and I talked about it and I want to give our marriage another try.”

I liked the sheer audacity of the Other Man weighing in on the viability of the marriage, plus the backasswards “compliment” of “If anyone can get past it and save our marriage, it’s you.” I know you can dance pretty and the Other Man agrees with me!

When I think of Scott’s ex, I think of one of those bobbled-headed parade characters — how does she manage with the weight of that much conceitedness? Does she have assistants buttressing her inflated head, holding invisible ropes so she doesn’t topple over?

Scott, you win a book and a cartooned cupcake… although I might add a bobble head.

The OM told me it was okay to give you this prize. We discussed it and if anyone can accept this gift, it’s you.

Still a Chump!

“She’s really nice and you would really like her. She’s offered to babysit our kids so we can have a date night!”

And from her, about 3 weeks post D-Day:

“You should quit whining and focus instead on your kids and your husband, who is willing to work with you to fix your marriage.”

Aren’t they the thoughtful couple?

I liked OW as service providers for chumps. Another submission (soo close) was the OW could get the abandoned family an apartment because she had good credit. But SaC wins for the one-two punch of the OW as babysitter PLUS the OW as marriage counselor, chastening SaC to be grateful for her family.

Pick me dance? The OW will facilitate it and watch the kids so we can have date night! She’s THAT invested in keeping cake alive!

Just WOW, Still a Chump. You win a book with a big ass cartoon cupcake.


“Some of the greatest love stories contain a divorce…”

This was an entire genre of cake — the “you can date me after we divorce” phenomena. Yet, the insanity is so perfectly summed in this statement: “Some of the greatest love stories contain a divorce…”

Yes, divorce is just a stumbling block on the road to greater cake. It’s just all part of beautiful tapestry of cake. How heroic the cheater sees himself, holding forth this vision of noble love — you’ll come back to me Kelli! Cake will still live!

Kelli’s ex — yes, some of the greatest love stories DO contain a divorce. She divorces that sorry ass cheater and then finds her great love.

Kelli, you win a book and cartooned cupcake!

Thanks for playing everyone!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Thank u CL for helping us see the otherside of this pain and turning the frowns upside down! Being able to laugh at all the painful comments that have been hurled at us is one of the best therapies. I know the day I woke up and said ‘ NO, u will not define me with these hateful comments! ‘
    Elenore Roosevelt said it best’ No one can make u feel bad without yr permission’
    Muchas Grassy Ass.

    And congrats to the winners!

  • Very deserving winners!! Congrats! My ExH is not very bright, so although he expected a lot, he didn’t have a profound way of saying it.

    • The irony in my situation is that I am the the one who told my ExH I would date him after the divorce just to get him to agree to divorce me. I really would have said anything to get that accomplished. I told him that because he cheated, that marriage was over and I had to divorce him. But I reminded him that some couples get remarried after divorce if they can make things right. Basically, when I spoke nonsense, he bought it! You can’t reason with an unreasonable person, but you CAN sell bullshit to someone full of bullshit.

      • ^^^Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!!!^^^
        MmmHmm, now you’ve got me thinking of ways to apply this strategy to my situation!

        • MmmHmm–that is a brilliant strategy. My worry is that, based on the quality of his recent texts to me, to get my cheater to actually sign the divorce papers, I’ll have to promise to send a s*x tape to him. Ewww. Anyone else’s STBX keep crossing boundaries after you filed, trying to get you to sleep with them?

          • When you promise and then, oops, don’t deliver on that tape and he gets mad? Tell him it was the same type of promise as the ones he made to you at the altar.

          • I guess I’m super bitchy, because after the divorce went through I filed a restraining order. “Sorry. I don’t remember ever agreeing to date you. That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!!” I like to think it was a little reverse gas lighting. He would have never done the honorable thing and just let me go. I didn’t take advantage of him in the divorce. I let him keep his retirement. I didn’t ask for maintenance. We split it all down the middle. I had had enough abuse. I showed him more respect than he ever showed me. I can look at myself in the mirror without regret. I am very forgiving until I’m not. he breached my limit.

  • Congratulations to the winners! All of you have escaped extraordinary cake-eaters! 🙂

    In honor of the occasion, I am raising a cupcake (yes, let’s take back the cake!) to a cheater-free life and a few more leagues on the road toward “meh.”

    • I made delicious cupcakes for myself for my ex-wedding anniversary, as part of the reclaiming of one of my favorite treats. 🙂

  • Major congrats to the winners! It sucks that your ears had to be filled with that crap, but at least you’re cheater free now and you get a free book!

    I’m raising my cupcake to you too!

  • The whole time I was reading the hundreds of entries, I was simultaneously laughing and shaking my head in disgust. The disordered live in bizarro world for sure.

    Although my ex is truly nuts, I had no entry for cake sayings. He simply left and became cruel, he didn’t bother with bullshit about cake. Even when he decided to come back for “reconciliation,” he simply sent me a couple texts saying he thought about me sometimes, and that he didn’t want to be like a character in some Christian anti-adultery movie called Fire Proof, or something like that. That I took him back with so little effort on his part says a lot about ME, and I’m still working through that lack of self esteem. That he knew I would take him back with so little effort is a sad comment on our marriage, and his skills at manipulating people.

    • GladIt’sOver–being a kind, compassionate person is not a fault, nor a reason for poor self-esteem. You are mighty!

      The cheaters who *should* have low self-esteem for being at the bottom end of the moral phylogenetic scale, unfortunately, are not self-aware enough to know the magnitude of their suckitude.

  • Yes, Congratulations to the winners! I think the farther we can get from these dysfunctional people the better off we are! So a toast to those who have made the decision to leave and a little healthy nudge to those waiting for the more appropriate time. It really is the most horrendous experience I have ever had. This blog and fellow Chumps are lifesavers.

  • I would like to say that this award is especially vindicating, because when I first showed a close friend the email from the OW, instead of the outrage and sympathy I was expecting, I got: “Well, you know, she has a point.” Perhaps it is redundant to point out that that person and I are not longer close friends.

    • She has a POINT? Gee, you should be grateful he might “choose” you after cheating on you? Quit whining? Seriously? And this crap dished out from the woman who was *fucking your husband*?

      Please rethink this friendship. That woman doesn’t have your back.

      • No worries. The close friendship was ended by me when I realized just what you said. She truly didn’t understand what I was going through and minimized it all of the time. We are friendly now in that we run in the same social circles, kids are friends with kids, but I don’t confide in her or talk about anything other than polite chit chat.

        • I wouldn’t even do that. Fucking cheater apologists – can’t stand them.
          They don’t even deserve a second glance.

          • Sometimes you “play nice” with the ex besties to just get on in a social situation. Eg small towns. I have several ex besties that I never contact any more, but “play nice” to avoid other people’s discomfort when necessary. However, they are very definitely no longer friends. Many of them were my closest friends for nearly 40 years. The thing is, they are not worth the effort to publically chastise and if I did that I am labelled the bitter idiot. Crickets sound far better to these ears 🙂

  • After reading this and today’s winners, I just realized my ex husband is the same category as no.1 – I heard it pretty much the same from him – him and the OW talked about how they should not continue hurting me as I don’t deserve it – and he had the guts to tell me she is on my side to which I replied when was she there exactly – before or after she started sleeping with him 😀

  • I didn’t win, but did get a special mention ( Thank you CL!). Yay! Thanks to my crazy-ass cheater and his wonderful GF with good credit! May the heavens smile upon them. Or Satan.

      • Cheater already convinced and succeeded in getting her to buy him a new truck. Now he’s getting her to buy him, eh…..err…. I mean “them” a house too. Sucker born every minute.

        • Yeah, once she buys him…er, “them”…a house, can the hunt for more cake be far behind? She’s delusional.

      • Tier of Hell! LOL CL!

        Having lived with that creep for over a decade, I know she is already living in her own little 2-bedroom condo of hell. Mazel tov honey, you earned it!

  • Excellent most horrifyingly revolting choices! Great clarity, CL on why these cake statements are so hurtful.

    This exercise made it blatantly apparent that all of us need a lifetime of love and care to heal from cheater inhumane treatment.

    Shower on the self care and love. A bubble bath, a comfortable sweater—a great book, a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge (it’s beautiful)–or any other beautiful place, cuddling with your child, feeling good that we have our stories to learn from; a big bowl of spaghetti; being present and self-accepting—shower on the goodness. No more disrespect for me.

  • Congrats to the winners, but more importantly, thank goodness you’ve been able to get out of an abusive relationship from someone who assaulted your self- esteem and never really cared about your feelings. Good to know that despite the hurt, we can still find some humor. Hugs…

  • Hi everyone, a friend turned me onto CL… what an eye opener this place is & entertaining also! Missed the contest but so far haven’t read anything quite like my story, so here goes /: DD was 3 yrs ago & we’re just now sorting out the finances/property. It took me this long because I believed the lies he told me & was great at doing the pick me dance. My stbxh (18yrs) has many “adopted” Asian daughters via FB. He feels that “Jesus” brings these young women to him so he can be a “dad” to them because they are “orphans.” Doesn’t matter that these women are in their 30’s, same age of the woman he “only had sex with 2’x, but oh, he used a rubber because he was thinking of me & didn’t want me to get an STD.” Eye roll, spare me your generosity, dear narcissistic passive/aggressive stbxh! (he’s proud of his passive/aggressive expertise) He insists he is NOT having EA’s, he is only helping them & encouraging them, day & night. Of course, he doesn’t have a relationship with his 33 y/o daughter – she thinks he’s a predator – he really doesn’t have much relationship with anyone other than the internet FB “friends” & “daughters” & porn. He used to get totally unglued with me when I’d confront him about his “daughters,” cuss me out, call me crazy & tell me to leave. He’d threaten that if I tried to make him stop talking to these women, he would choose them over me. Of course, now that we’ve been separated for 2 yrs & I finally stopped giving him cake, he told me “if you aren’t going to do your wifely duty, I’m filing for divorce.” But he’s told me he wants me to be happy & that we can still be friends. He even messages me that he loves me & sends hugging smiley faces with hearts… I am 63 y/o & never thought I’d be in a situation like this,especially at this age, but, hey, I’ve separated myself physically & now I’m slowly extricating myself mentally & emotionally from the gaslighting & craziness that was my life living with him the past few years.

    • Good for you. I’m 63 as well, coming up on my 1-year D-Day anniversary, when the Jackass chose his MOW over me (as you put it). Best thing that ever happened to me, once I got past the horrific pain that goes with betrayal. Reading here every day is a graduate education in learning to spot abusive, narcissistic behavior and, just as important, knowing why and how not to put up with one minute of that. He’ll choose his “orphans” over you? He wants a divorce because you won’t do your “wifely duty” with a cheater? He’s putting his energy into a bunch of internet skanks but wants to still be friends? A year from now, you won’t even be able to stand the thought of him. That’s what crossed my mind today. I can’t stand the thought of the worthless cheating Jackass. He isn’t worthy of a minute of my time, thought, or feeling. He’s just a lesson in my book of life. Stick with Chump Nation. Read and learn. Support and encourage and you will get back many, many times what you give here. This is where you go to learn that not everybody is a predator or abuser or pathetic narcissist–how to spot them, how to get away, and how to never make that mistake again. Welcome, and so sorry you have a worthless Cheaterpants to get rid off.

    • Sassychump,
      Welcome, and hugs to you. Glad you’ve found us. Congrats on extracating yourself from the slow drip feed of insanity.

    • Welcome sassy chump. Glad you found this site because it really is a god send for all of us who had or continue to have cheaters in their lives. Gotta read her book too! Everyone’s story is a little different but you’ll find the more you read here, the more you realize how utterly unoriginal every cheater on the planet actually is. It’s very illuminating to say the least.

      Chump nation welcomes you. Congratulations on leaving your cheater!

    • Welcome Sassy Chump to a great supportive family and I am sorry you had to join. You have just described my ex husband of 37 years and I am soon to turn 63. You made a comment “I am 63 y/o & never thought I’d be in a situation like this,especially at this age”. Me too SC and isn’t it awful. We will survive but we will be changed forever because of the betrayal and abandonment. It does get better and I find the only time I am down now is when I put my focus on the ex. I find that keeping busy and occupied is great therapy for me. I have a 35 year old daughter and a 32 year old son who have chosen their father and don’t speak with me, however, I am making a bit of progress with my son as we are catching up for dinner this week at his invitation. Maybe, just maybe the tide is turning in my favour. I certainly hope so because my children where and are still my life. Welcome once more and you will grow strong with the support from all the wonderful Chumps including Chump Lady.

      • I am glad to hear that your son reached out to you and will be meeting you for dinner. I hope that it goes well! And I really hope the tide is turning for you…

        • Thank you NorthernLight. He sounded very happy and enthusiastic. Maybe time and distance has made him sit up and take note and realise he has a loving and lovely Mum.

          • Realise this Maree – sometimes it takes time for people to pull their head out of their arse and realise ‘Hey shit, maybe she was right after all’.
            Just hope its not a meeting to try and glorify the behaviour of your ex-husband, nor one where he spouts the line “Get over it, we have”. Good luck!

  • Every time we share our experiences here, painful as it may be, it does inform and support others in similar circumstances. This is all about recovery and empowerment. Exposing Cheaters for their crazy-making is essential. Thanks CL for creating a way for us to do this in a safe, anonymous forum.

  • Ooooh, how could you have overlooked the ‘when I am with her, I wish it were you’ and the particularly disgusting comment about climaxing with them felt terrible?
    Those two were an especial millefeuille of horribleness. Awful.

  • Google the song, Macarther Park. Good insight into the idealizing, and fantasy of cake eating and narcissism. Don”t ya just hate it when someone (;)) leaves the cake out in the rain…….

  • Okay, threadjacking here, but this is too good not to. I read CurlyWurly’s review of the book–wait, not true. I read as much as I could of her review–maybe about three-four paragraphs. I would have to disagree with the poster who speculated that she was likely a mental-healthcare provider; when people graduate with a professional degree, their monthly allotment of punctuation is increased substantially. My take? This was written for a 300-level college class as a response to an assignment for a class in which Curly is having it on with her married professor. (Any of you university-ex-wives recognize your x’s AP from the photo?) She submitted it with pride in her accomplishment; he read it with chuckling condescension, shook his head fondly and thought, “Well, you can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think.” She wrote, “Tracy Schorn I think,in a way, she manipulates exploits and plays on her readers vulnerabilities- she actively encourages an overblown cynicism & counterproductive focus on the offender. She deliberately encourages the reader to hype up angry emotions by focusing on their victimhood and all the hurts and injustices they have suffered…this has the effect of ‘magnifying’ it all.It could be argued that manipulation of this sort isn’t necessarily wrong because appreciation of any creative work usually demands a certain willingness to go along with what the creator is trying to get you to feel and will control you without you even knowing that your psychological buttons are being pushed. Personally Im very uncomfortable with this type of approach due to the fact its a rather irresponsible quick fix method with no proper indepth information it takes a very simplistic view-if you are an analytical thinker do not buy this book.” Sorry for the lack of paragraphs in this, cannot manage to interject line breaks. However, I would like to thank you, Tracy, for playing on my vulnerabilities, encouraging my cynicism and counterproductive focus on the offender and hyping up my angry emotions by focusing on my victimhood and all the hurts and injustices I’ve suffered, magnified though they may be. Or not. Also, thank you for helping me focus on a quick-fix: I’ll be meeting with my lawyer tomorrow to strategize having the papers served and changing my will. Not being an analytical thinker, thanks to this review I’ve pushed the buy-with-1-click button, and look forward to enjoying the read.

    • I don’t see what the issue is, with calling a spade a spade, calling people out on their shit, and dumping people to the trash can if they consistently ignore your boundaries?
      Anyone who can’t see that the above is the correct thing to do to live an authentic life is, quite frankly, a crock of shit. What next, a cheater apologist?

  • Thanks, fellow chumps for the welcome & encouragement. It’s much appreciated 🙂 I am constantly amazed at how all the cheaters sound alike!!! That really helped me to realize my cheaterpants was not unique & special, just a run of the mill lying cheater. Thanks Chump Lady for the daily reality checks – especially when I start to pine for the “good ole days” lol

    • Sadly, many of these cheaters do sound amazingly alike, hurting others, living through falsehoods and making YOU feel like the bad guy. This mean-spirited behavior is still blatant abuse designed to control and keep you in check while the bad behavior continues. The unconditional support of you, and the other readers on this site is so appreciated, allowing many of us to move on with our lives and gain peace of mind. BIG Hugs…

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