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Dear Chump Lady, Do you think my married boyfriend loves me?

cakeDear Chump Lady,

I met my boyfriend while he was married (25 years) and living with his wife and two teenage children. We became friends and he opened up about not being happy in his marriage, they had grown apart, didn’t sleep together, etc. His wife found out about our friendship and insisted on marriage counseling and they did that for awhile. During counseling he could not make the decision between her or me, so she asked him to move out.

It was causing a great deal of stress within their family, so he said he was moving in with his friend. Within days he was living with me and we have been together ever since (going on 3 years now!) He is great, we love each other and have enjoyed growing together. We have since moved several states away from his family for work. He is my soulmate.

I had hoped during this time that he would begin the process of divorce, but he told me that it would be difficult because of finances and insurance. He felt that it was fine that he and his wife just remain separated. He also didn’t want to do anything to upset his children more than they are. He has one child that does not speak to him at all and another that occasionally calls or texts. Because we live out of town he doesn’t see them that often, maybe a hour every month or two (well, the one that talks to him). I do know that he talks to his wife at least once a week just to catch up. They seem to have an amicable relationship and although she wants nothing to do with me, she has stepped back to allow our relationship to grow.

My concern is that when we return to our home state, our relationship feels different. When we have run into their mutual friends he does not introduce me as his girlfriend. He has never introduced me to his children or his family. He said that his wife doesn’t want me involved with his college aged children and he doesn’t want to push it. And he says that his ex is very close with his mom and siblings and they aren’t ready yet. Our world is an open book when we are away, but when we get back to our home state I still feel like the other woman.

I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written to her benefit and he has turned everything over to her, (guilt I suppose). Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.

So here is the problem — is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner? Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started? I know that our relationship didn’t start under the best of circumstances and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines. But I really do love him and want this to work. I just hope he doesn’t ever think we were a mistake.

Rozieglasses

Dear Rozie,

Wow. Of all the blogs on the entire internet, you chose ME to ask for advice?

You realize I’m a chump, right? This happens every week, for reasons I fail to comprehend — OW such as yourself write to me with their relationship troubles. Heck, I’ve even found links to my articles on OW sites. Apparently, I have this unintended following among OW. Or you guys are like succubi, lurking around a site for betrayed partners, feeding off chump pain or something.

But Rozie, I’m publishing your letter because I could not have written a better public service announcement about the futility and idiocy of cheating than what you just crafted.

You’ve had a three-year long affair with a man who won’t introduce you to his friends, family, children, or anyone in your home state. In other words, anyone who knows him. Are you under an Ebola quarantine or just lucky like that?

His children won’t have a relationship with him, and have zero relationship with you. His family is aligned with his wife. He moved in with you and happily ate cake at his wife’s (and your) expense for THREE years, until she finally lawyered up  — and now he’s going to be shit broke and you get to foot all his bills.

Forgive my convulsions of laughter…

But it’s okay because he’s your soulmate.

That’s some heavy duty spackle you’ve got there. Apparently, you’re dimly aware of that, or you wouldn’t have chosen the screen name “Rozieglasses.” Rozie, you’re not looking at your situation through rose colored glasses — you’re looking at it through psychotic delusion.

Poor sausage might be homeless. Thank goodness he’s got you there to save him from the wretched consequences of divorce. Just like you were there to save him from the wretched unhappiness of his 25-year marriage. The marriage he refused to end. Now it’s ending for him  — and not advantageously!

You attribute that to guilt? Rozie, judges don’t look kindly on men who walk out on their families, and then shack up with someone else for years. What you’re attributing to his magnanimousness is really just his chump wife finally asserting her power with a good lawyer. She’s given him a tiny taste of the shit sandwich SHE was dealt with his betrayal and abandonment — only he deserves it. A consequence. A fair settlement to the mother of his children. The children he walked out on.

Oh the injustice! How did you think this was going to go down? I’m guessing you didn’t think much past how very much he “needs” you and how super special you are. Make sure you get HBO with that cable package, okay?

So here is the problem — is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner?

He’s with you because he’s an ordinary, soulless cake eater. He doesn’t love anyone but himself. He loves how of USE you are to him. His wife was of use to him too, as the front for his family and childcare for his kids, but she put an end to that shit. Now you’re stuck with him (or, excuse me, “backed into a financial corner.”)

It’s not a question of love or money. It’s a question of cake.

Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started?

No, I doubt he has any shame, and neither do you. He’s not open about your relationship because cheaters like to keep everyone in nice contained zones in which they don’t talk to each other. It’s easier to maintain cake that way, no one compares stories. And it saves them having to keep track of what lies they’ve told whom.

I know that our relationship didn’t start under the best of circumstances…

Yeah. Him being married and living with his wife and children wasn’t exactly optimal.

and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines.

You’ve heard them, but do you comprehend them?

But I really do love him and want this to work.

Rozie, it’s not going to work. I want Wendy Davis to be the next governor of Texas. I want thinner thighs. I want world peace. Me loving Wendy Davis, my thighs, or world peace isn’t going to make those things happen. Ooh… I’ll just put my thinking cap on and LOVE harder! lovelovelovelovelove… Nope. The world didn’t budge. Guess I don’t have super powers.

Neither do you. You “loving” this idiot doesn’t make what you’re doing any less destructive, hurtful, pathetic — or unsustainable.

I just hope he doesn’t ever think we were a mistake.

Oh, I doubt he thinks that.

I’m sure he’s congratulating himself for lining up a sucker to pay his apartment, cable, and heat.

The question is — why don’t YOU think this affair is a mistake? Scratch “mistake”, because affairs are deliberate choices. Why don’t you think it’s a really shitty thing to have done to his wife and kids? I know empathy is a stretch for you, so ask — why would you make such a shitty choice for YOURSELF?

Good luck puzzling that one out, Rozie.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “but when we get back to our home state I still feel like the other woman.”

    Errr…you are still the other woman.

    He sounds a bit like my ex. Now living with the OW because the only alternative is to live with his mother, who will drive him (more) insane.

    Then goes around telling his friends that his new relationship isn’t going to last, doesn’t know where he will live when the sale of our family home goes through and he gets some money (yeah, thanks for forcing me and your son to move, dickhead) and sends me emails saying how he spends most of his time missing me and my son.

    I almost feel sorry for you. Almost. But mostly, I’d like to high five his wife, sounds like she has played a blinder, and she’s now free from the weight of carrying that loser.

    • “sends me emails saying how he spends most of his time missing me and my son.”

      I got that too and how he still loves me, misses me everyday, always have and will and no one can ever take my place blah blah fuckity blah! The things that loser misses is how I made him look good for the whole world, living the good life in a huge house, with expensive things in it, good food and much more, now the ugly asswipe lives and shares a tiny dump with his mom and one of his siblings. AWWWW poor fucker, cry me a fucking river.

      Actually, the way I look at it the OW’s did us a favor, by taking these losers out of our hands and now we are free!!! 🙂 Trust me, I count my blessings everyday and I never knew I could be this happy, content and have a peaceful life as I do now and I will never give that up again.

      • Ditto for me except X lives in OW’s fancy new house while telling everyone I stole our house from him. Accountants I hired told me that he actually owes me $$ bec I supported him for 16 yrs during his multiple affairs that I knew nothing about till after DDay with his current “special” OW. I am not quite as happy and content or meh as but but I’m getting there daily! thanks for the reminder that it was good to lose the loser.

        Rozie, Chump Lady is spot on – please consider why for three years he refused to divorce his wife. Don’t you realize he wasn’t really sure he had his hooks into you and that you would support him? He wanted her as a fallback. My Ex actually said this to me: “If it doesn’t work out with her I can totally see us getting back together.” And “This is an opportunity that if I don’t pursue it (her) I will never forgive myself, and it will probably fizzle out with her and my whole economy will crash, and I’ll end up homeless on the street!” Said defiantly, full of drama. In that moment though my heart was breaking I knew this self serving crass opportunist only considered me a meal ticket with benefits. Later when I found out after DDay of his prior OWs, it really hit me hard but I’m healing. And YES, she can have him!!!

        • You came a long way Margaret… I could tell just from reading your earlier posts to your recent posts. Life really does get better without the loser, take it from me! Just imagine how much money every month that you probably are saving for not carrying/paying for this worthless deadbeat piece of shit! and the peace you and your children have now in your house and in your life. Not to mention you don’t have to deal with disrespect, lies and more anymore. Let this loser be her problem now and yes she can have him! You are on your way to MEH and soon you will get there! 🙂

        • and I cant believe he had the balls to say all that right to your face! What a fucking disgusting, POS, FILTHY LOSER!! Wow that’s just unreal!!

          • He did actually say those things to my face. Word for word. And yes, POS for sure. He also said (when I begged him to stay with me *anyway*, in a totally cold matter of fact voice, “No Margaret. That would never work. I already ran the sharing idea by her and she won’t go for that.” Couldn’t believe my ears. I truly believe he’s a sociopath. Thank you for the encouraging words about my healing! 🙂

              • Thank you UC. I still have days of cognitive dissonance where I feel sad for what I “lost” but I do know it was pretty much a giant con job aka lie, and that catching him cheating was the best thing that ever happened to me. When his mask came off and he said those things to my face was a surreal nightmare, but it was not a nightmare it was reality.

      • I know mine enjoyed the “image” of family man with the job and house and wife and kids (we never had anything lavish, house/job/car wise.) Now I think he uses the kids in his “image” of the poor part-time dad who’s trying to be a “hands-on father” with what time he gets from his bitch ex-wife, that he has no house, a crappy car, no job, and no money, and it’s all because his bitch ex-wife dared to divorce him for “one little mistake,” wouldn’t take him back when he “tried so hard,” and even worse, dared to move on years later with someone else! So now it’s all sympathy plays for the poor little sausage.

        • Mine tried to keep my on the hook because he didn’t want to have to tell his friends that ANOTHER woman broke up with him….lol

        • Mine used the “tiny mistake” and “tried so hard” lines to make the breakup seem like my fault, and to give the impression that he had done everything humanly possible to earn back my trust. The truth is that during each ‘reconciliation’ he went out and fucked somebody else. That, he doesn’t mention.

  • Loooooooool I refuse to believe anyone is this stupid and delusional. This must be some sort of joke. Chump Lady you’re being Punk’d

      • Maybe you’re being trolled? I know there are people who get a bizarre kick out of writing posts/comments to upset people.

        Then again, there is an element of “image control” in there that sounds right.

        BTW, CL, I am still getting the “prove you’re not a robot” thing when I leave a comment.

        • My x’s ow was always mad that he’d never call her his “girlfriend” even though he admitted that they were falling in love. She was also delusional, tried to enforce house rules on me while x was still living in our house until I kicked him out. Lol. She was a dreamer like this ow seems to be. She thought x would be able to kick me out and she would move into my house. LOL. She was seriously ASTOUNDED when she found out he’d been telling her lies all along as well. Hahahahahahaha, I tried hard not to laugh as I watched her face change while finding out she’d been lied to, but I could not stop the surprised look in my own face. She actually thought he would not ever lie to her. It was amazing to witness. And she kept saying “You’re so nice” to me, because he’d told her I was an angry wife, always mad at him. He’d blame me for his being late for anything, even if I’d not seen him all day – so many people thought I was pretty awful to him (I found that out after we split). These ow are super gullible and have enormous egos.

          I’m sure CL gets the assholes who like to drop false posts to cause a reaction, but some of these ow are just really this messed up in the head. I also agree that they have a playbook just like cheaters – I know a few ow in my daily life who have the same character traits as the few that I’ve seen post here. It’s interesting, although obviously disturbing too!

        • I know there are people who get a bizarre kick out of writing posts/comments to upset people.

          Kira were you upset with this? To me it was actually quite funny. But I do have to say that I had no problem filing. There was no way I was going to be married to someone who was already breeding with someone else. In Australia you have to wait 12 months after separation. He left in October and I filed ithe following March. Divorce was done and dusted by June 9th and his baby was born on June 18th. My kids have never met the new wife, the baby and haven’t seen their dad since August 2013. I admit to sending her a text thanking her for picking up my rubbish. Well, he shouldn’t have left her number available for me I reckon, should have been more careful!!!!!! Anyway, I guess my point is that any email to CL that makes the OW look more pathetic than they are should be welcome here. Not very “meh” but certainly affirming!

      • Like CL I just can’t understand why she chose this particular blog for advice? Did she think CL was gonna be sympathetic or validate her bullshit? That’s why I’m like nahhhh this must be a joke. But then again she’s an OW so her head must be that far up her ass.

        • But her circumstances are different, they are special, they are schmo opie ! It was meant to be…

        • There are sites for these cretins, where they will get a ton of sympathy and support. And, they will be told that they are victims, too. The married guy will , for the most part, be demonized (as well the asshole should be) , but men and women like this person will be told they are being used etc.
          Truth is, the these vampires are predators, every bit as corrupt and unfeeling as the married folks they get involved with.
          This woman has zero, I mean zero, capacity for empathy. She cares not a bit about the pain she assisted bringing to this guy’s kids, his wife or his family.
          And, although not an absolute prerequisite, like many of these OW/OM. she seems dumber than a rock. How hard can it be to understand that kids, family and friends are not going to like her? She seems perplexed by how this turned out for her.
          My XW’s Om could not understand why he was banned from all family functions. He could not understand why my kids all hated him. He was absolutely floored and decimated when my XW began cheating on him with a married man.
          And, my first wife ( also a serial cheater) was enraged when the married man she was sleeping with began fucking her roommate behind her back).
          How fucking dumb are thee people? Are they absolutely ruled by their loins, such tat the desire to fuck completely overrides any ability to analyze or are they just that dumb to begin with?

          • These people live in their own delusional world where magical thinking prevails. They don’t think in a linear, logical way – they don’t understand that when you do something shitty, when you hurt another person, there will be consequences. No, consequences only happen to little, stupid people. Don’t bother crawling into character disordered people’s minds to understand how they think. It’s an exercise in futility.

            • I’ve been debating this for a while as well. Is my cheater STUPID or FUCKING STUPID? I already know that cheaters are opportunistic. All of them.

              • My x’s ow would say “This is MY movie and I’ll fight for him!!” All dramatic. Then she’d want to trick him and would tell ME about her twisted little plans to “Play him like he played me”. She was in it to win it, didn’t care about reality at all. Things didn’t last long after he moved to his tiny studio apartment, was still talking with me more often than she’d like, and she found out he would also lie to he at his convenience.

                It’s all ego and delusion and desperation with ow/om. They like the attention and feeling the false security that comes with winning – but are too dumb to realize that there’s no winning in a rigged game.

              • When I was growing up my mother would tell us to imagine that we were in a movie that everyone would someday see. Before we did anything we were supposed to ask ourselves if we would be comfortable if everyone one day saw our actions. An updated analogy of the quote, “live so that you might sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

                I’m guessing that’s not what this OW was talking about when she was talking about “her movie.”

          • Arnold,
            You took the words out of my mouth. Also the poster who said CL is being punked might be right on too.

            I got to say I got quite a laugh at this on Monday morning. And the Christie Brinkly story. Both made me laugh and trust me I needed it.

            TO ROZIE
            GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!!! Soulmate??!?!?! Seriously, you didn’t reallly mean to say that did you??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Thanks for taking the time to give me a good laugh today. I can tell you really put your little punkin head into this inquiry. Do it again. I dare you:) Now put that paper hat back on your head and get back to that grill. Those Big Macs aren’t going to fry themselves!!!

        • I dunno, she might be getting a little tug of intuition that somethings off in soul mate land…who better to confirm her suspicions than CL?

            • In which case, we have raised enough red flags to put Chairman Mao’s birthday parade to shame…..the world needs more smartasses like us.

              Happy Monday, Dat. You Jedi, you!

              Love to Chump Nation.

          • I have wondered that before… how many people posting here are actually ow/om who have now felt the burn of being betrayed. I guess the pain of that is similar, just bugs me that I could be giving support to someone who was an ow/om and probably racked up that karma all by themselves. Won’t stop me from sharing or supporting here, but the thought has crossed my mind.

      • I began to notice a pattern with my ExH. He would seek women In Vulnerable circumstances. A sick child, going through a nasty divorce from an abuser, fiancé just died, etc. He preyed on vulnerabilities. I’m not excusing the OW. In the nicest way possible, I’ll admit I found the ow all a bit dim. I think they fell for his lines hook, line, and sinker. They didn’t stop to question if he was telling the truth. Honestly, everyone wants to believe they are unique and special. He is very good at making women feel special. He seems so heartfelt in his professions of love, and they wanted to believe it was true. I know, because I fell for it too (he was NOT married when I fell for him!!). Some men just have a knack for knowing what to say to women, how to treat them, and how to set the stage for an affair.

        • If they know how to cry on cue, most Schmoopies don’t stand a chance. Mine even cried for his lawyer and had him believing I was some sort of monster.

          They know what works since childhood. I watched the ex’s 4 year old luv child pull that stunt at our daughter’s wedding over the summer. He buried his little face in his hands and pretended to be sobbing. When he had enough silly women gathered around him trying to see what was wrong, he pulled his hands away and gave them all a laugh and big shit-eating grin. OMG, only 4 years old and he’s fucking driving my ex’s Karma Bus. The schadenfreude from that little scene lasted like an all day sucker. lol.

          • Isn’t it crazy? My ExH learned his behavior from his father. I hope the pattern doesn’t transfer to our daughter. It will break my heart. She notices inconsistencies in what he says and what he does, so hopefully she will learn better. Like I’ve said before, my ExH is a firefighter. About 8 years ago, he went on a school bus crash in Kansas City. It wasn’t a bad crash. No fatalities. The KC Star showed up and took pictures of the crash. My ExH was photographed sobbing along side of the road. The next day it was in the paper. He ran out and brought ten copies, brought it home and was beaming from ear to ear at his picture. Did you catch that? The man who was inconsolable the day before because he was SO upset was beaming the next day at making the news. He could cry on cue

        • Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! Just had a nasty flashback of when I was unwittingly the OW. Hold up now. I was 15 and he was 30.Nothing happened or he would have went to jail. Our “dates” were him spending time with me and my parents. (My parents nicknamed him “Grandpa”.) He told me and he my parents he was single. It was a short relationship, less than 2 months. He disappeared right before Christmas. I got worried and called information and got his Mom’s telephone number. Wow! She thought I was a college buddy. That’s when I found out he was married and where he actually lived. I was devastated. I was also mortified. I found out later there were a couple of people in my small rural town that knew he was married and assumed I knew it, too. Thanks to this jerk I had quite the reputation even though I was still a virgin. I heard some years later that he divorced his wife and married what was known as a “round heel”. He was my first boyfriend. My picker was broke before it had the chance to get out of the gate. He wasn’t the last damn loser/cheater I had the misfortune of hitching my wagon to, either. : (

    • I had the same thought Young Padawan – that either this is a joke or she’s crazy. And CL says it happens all the time? Wow… I guess they really do believe that they are special. Mindboggling.

  • Does she seriously believe that the wife “backed away to let their relationship grow?” Talk about narcissism and delusion! I’m 48 and just when I think I’ve seen and heard it all; that I can’t be surprised, I read a line like that and I’m floored. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that people continue to shock the hell out of me.

    There is no variety with these “other people” or cheaters. They all come in the same flavor of fucked up and there is not one original thought in any of their heads! Soul mates? Did she actually come to this site where we all make fun of soul mate schmoopies on a daily basis and say that?

    Just wow!

    • Yes, that jumped out at me, as well. She actually imagines that the wife, realizing that the love between her husband and his OW is special and beautiful, took a step back in order to help that special love flourish and grow. Because that makes sense in some bizarro alternate universe where up is down and cats and dogs get along splendidly.

      I’d think it was fake if I wasn’t pretty sure my ex’s OW felt the same way. She tried to friend me on Facebook more than once. Totally delusional — and a little creepy, to be frank. I’m so glad I’m not connected with these people in any way now.

      • I told STBX that I’m “allowing him to be with the woman he loves,” aka I’m divorcing his sorry ass.

        OW in my case has a history of being attracted to losers. I thought about that, and realized that he must be blipping on that radar. For what it’s worth, the longer the divorce process drags on, the less I like him. If Rozie’s Cheating POS had come clean with his wife and said, “Wife, I’m chucking in 25 years of marriage and our two children for Rozie,” then said wife would probably have been shellshocked and been more amenable to a more even divorce split.

        Three years have gone by? Hell, she’s lined up all her ducks, found out where all the bodies are buried, and has dug a huge hole for the POS.

  • Don’t you know Rozie,

    it’s the most common lies married man say to OW? His wife is a cold bitch, she doesn’t understand him, he is unhappy, they never have sex because she is the ice queen, he didn’t want to divorce because of the kids, the money, the cat…etc etc….He was lying to his wife, he was lying to you, do you honestly think he loves you? WRONG! Like CL said he only loves himself and if his wife didn’t found out about you two he would’ve continued, his marriage intact and you as the steady side dish fuck. When a man doesn’t introduce “his girlfriend” to friends and family, that right there itself is the BIG FAT RED FLAG! You are only useful to him and he is NOT into you, that’s it! If he find a new sucker today, who is better off financially, skinnier, prettier etc., I can assure you he will leave you in his dust so fast your head will spin! If they cheat with you they will cheat on you and I bet you were not the first one he cheated on his wife with and he will cheat on you too and you can take that to the bank! Good luck for being the new sucker who will put a roof over his head and pay all the bills, because that’s exactly what you are, the new sucker!

    • I used to hear this stuff from married men on a regular basis when I was younger. The only thought I had when I heard such BS was “you want to dump this misery on me” – I could see what a big red flag it was that they have a maturity / life skill problem and I wanted nothing to do with someone who was only going to pull me down.

      • You were the smart one, but there are so many dumb asses out there who falls for that crap. I still hear that crap and when I hear that shit I just want to punch them, but I give them “the look” and I walk away. Fucking idiots!

        • I agree! Now that I’m single, married men are coming out of the woodwork and hitting on me. The latest one was my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. Talk about uncomfortable!! I had to muster up the guts to be assertive. After a couple of inappropriate messaging encounters, I told him “out of respect for your wife and your marriage, I no longer think we should communicate behind her back. I am happy to call you both friends and neighbors.” I am not the one who made inappropriate comments or made the situation awkward. I had to finally realize that he would continue to he inappropriate without any encouragement on my part if I didn’t draw the line. Man, it sucked. He said “Wow. Ok.” As if I had been inappropriate!!

    • So true–Shirley Glass found that 50% of male cheaters actually reported having good marriages. What does that tell us about their characters?

  • Oh my lord!!! You are living with your soul mate. The guy who treats you like an unwanted wart every time he goes “home”. Are you so delusional that you think people don’t know you are the side piece? I’ll bet good money he would love to have you stay behind so he can ooze around telling people he just ” works out of town”. Please let CL know if he marries you after the divorce! I guaran-damn-tee he is going to cheat on you. You may be his first AP but now he knows how that works he will move on……unless nobody else wants him. He sounds like such a treasure, and so do you. What did you expect? This is a man who has shown how much luuurve he feels for you by hurrying through with the divorce so he can marry you, not! Get real. You two are cheaters. You take, but don’t give, and yet you think you are going to have a happily ever after. Yeah, good luck with that!

    • That struck me too! That if this POS cheater, who treats her like a half-eaten sandwich, is her “SOULMATE”… WTH does that say about her own SOUL?!

      She didn’t think this one thru very well. : /

  • From my deep southern roots, “bless your heart.” Open your eyes sweetheart, the minute a man has to go to counceling to decide which woman he needs to choose says volumes. From the beginning you were nothing more than being used not loved. 3 years now, and your not a new toy anymore. But you’ve invested so much time and energy fighting for your prize, your starting to see he wasn’t even worth the fight. He’s broke both emotionally and financially, and now you get the roll of taking care of his sorry ass. All the heartache to children, families, and friends for what? 2 more soulmates???NO, just 2 more saps

  • There’s cake, cake eaters and cake bakers. Some of us have been the bakers for the parasitic eaters. An OW/OM by default is another cake baker.

    Like Young Padawan I thought this was a ridiculous joke. Rozie, you are delusional and in a way, you bought your own ticket on the Karma Bus. You reap what you sow. Kudo’s to the X Mrs!

  • One of my mother’s friends had to deal with her husband fooling around for years, maybe decades. They officially separated after their daughter’s wedding, my mother told me. My mother also said that they never got divorced; nor did he change his will.

    the other woman got absolutely nothing upon death.

    I LIKE THAT STORY.

    The letter writer of today’s blog does not give an indication of her age in comparison to the (scorned) wife. I am curious as to what it is.

    • I don’t consider the X wife to be scorned. I consider her smart.

      Divorce and all the crap with it is a scary process. All the emotional and financial factors are hard to wrap your head around. Especially with children of any age. I know this past yr of waiting, waiting, waiting has been 12 mths lost in a process that takes a minimum of 12-24mths or more. Maybe she felt that way too or had some loose ends to secure before serving his ass.

      Whatever her reason after 3 yrs of crap, good for her! Not scorned, just strong.

    • STBX’s father was in a long-term relationship with an OW in a different city. STBX’s parents never divorced–probably because she thought she’d outlive her POS husband. Fate, however, was quite cruel. She died 5 years before he did.

  • Dear Rozie,

    I almost put my fist through my computer monitor when I read your letter, but I stopped myself when I remembered that I can’t afford a new one because my fucktard moved out after dumping me for an OW just like you. His Schmoopie sounds eerily like you: a shoulder to cry on when he, too, “opened up” about how unhappy I made him. (You do realize that people are responsible for their own happiness, right Rozie? Like you are for yours.) But in the interest of charity, I feel I must thank you for shedding light on what it’s like to be an OW, since most of the good folks here are members of Chump Nation. Thank you for representing Schmoopiedom in all its Schmoopieness. I’ve been struggling for weeks to figure out how my fucktard’s OW could get involved with someone who at the time was in a committed relationship. Now I see that OWs feel just as much entitlement as cheaters. For me, the road to Meh is now a little shorter.

    • Karma Express–Before my awakening to the reality of cheaters, OWs and chumls, i would have thought Rozie’s letter to CL was a fake. But as you so clearly state in your post, her letter gives us an inside glimpse into how an OW thinks.

      Rozie’s letter also explains the mind of my X’s OW/current girlfriend…below are facts from my situation

      After DDay, my brilliant college daughter was blown away, already recovering from an invasive medical operation and adjusting to 1st year of college, and she ran into OW at gym on a visit home ( considering withdrawing from school)– btw i had requested OW use gym closer to her home so me & daughter could use the one near us…NOPE)— and the OW greeted her with a big smile, asking her how school is going….knowing full well what my daughter was going thru. One of OW’s texts to my X at that time was: “Everyone only sees the destruction, once they see our love, everything will be OK” .

      Fast forward 3 years, she has met Xs family, my xstepdaughter, and has announced that she fully expects to have a good relationship with my daughters. As often said in Chumpland…you cannot make this stuff up.

      The good news is that my daughters do not appear to be chumps at this point. Their response to OW’s entitlement-delusion? Fuck off.

      • “Everyone only sees the destruction, once they see our love, everything will be OK”

        LMFAO

        So true! You can’t make this stuff up!!!!!!!!

        • “Everyone only sees the destruction, once they see our love, everything will be OK”

          Wow, haven’t we all seen that line or variations thereof trotted out by our cheaters and their OWs, celebrity cheaters, politicians and their mistresses, and on episodic TV and movies….

          Cheater Handbook, Chapter 3, “Our Love Trumps All”

    • Yep, ex shared his ‘unhappiness’ with final OW. When he is unhappy with her he’ll be sharing with someone else, particularly since he was cheating for years.

    • So true, Karma Express. It sickens me the way these Cheaters spill all the intimate details of their marriages to get a little genital action, and then refuse to tell the truth to their SPOUSE when caught. Found a study that said the Cheating spouse is usually LESS invested or working at the marriage. Certainly true in my case. Votes–how many of you were working at the marriage after your spouse checked out to focus on new meat?

      • My lying cheating crapweasel XBF told his whores (and by whores, I mean real ‘pay for play’ sex workers) all about me.

        So he was completely honest with them…me, not so much…ummmmm……WTactualF?

        *head desk*

      • My fucktard went on a week-long self-improvement retreat, where he apparently told a bunch of strangers how awful I was. That’s where he met Schmoopie, who comforted him. Two weeks after getting back home, he dumps me for her. That was the first I was aware of his unhappiness, so I never got a chance to work on our nine-year relationship. So yeah, Rozie, I’m a wee bit sore about the confidante role you’ve been playing.

        • Oh, the irony of your fucktard going on a “self-improvement” retreat to cheat on you. Straight out of a B-list movie.

  • It never fails to amaze me how people involved in adultery still think of themselves as ‘nice people’. If BF had been unhappy for years, wouldn’t Twu Wuv withstand a few months more to divorce before the flurry of secret communication and accidental interlocking of private parts?

    It’s adultery. One of the universally recognized Mortal Sins in every culture. It’s up there on the moral chalkboard with stealing, rape and violence, but Cheaters the world over respond with a resounding Whatevs. Rosie is very careful in her descriptions to note that the children and wife did this mean stuff to Cheater, and she doesn’t once acknowledge their pain, or why NC with an adulterous parent who is not supporting his family is a perfectly sane choice.
    :
    The only thing growing in this sick relationship is both their delusion and sense of entitlement. And the reason he never filed is so he could continue to pretend he could afford both households with no court order in place. Funny how the spouse took your BF for better or worse, but Rosie is obviously not turned on by penniless cheater.

    My ex is in the same boat. I asked him for not a penny, and he got nothing from me although I make 150% of his salary. He knew better and took a quick dissolution that he and Schmoopie paid for. He barely makes ends meet now, borrowing from his elderly dad to get by. He wooed Schmoopie while living off me, and the reality isn’t so sparkly now….. sexy sexy soulmates. And good people. Can’t stop true love!

    • “He wooed Schmoopie while living off me, and the reality isn’t so sparkly now…”

      Oh yeah, talk about the truth! Yep, same here. My cheating ex asswipe who never even had a $5.00 in his pocket, crying poverty to me daily , because you know the ex-wife, his kids were draining him every month blah blah so he was living off of me, but pretending to others he was some rich mother fucker, driving a flashy pimped out car like he was the shit and parking that car in my driveway. (yeah he had money to buy, pimp and ride in a nice car but no money for even his food, what a chump I was!) he was also using me to get side dish fucks because he let them assume my house, my vehicle, jewelry, clothes was all because of him, so these OW’s wanted my life, live in my beautiful house, nice vehicle, all the clothes, jewelry etc .I don’t want to sound like a narc or vain, but one night we were out, when my ex went to bathroom, some guy even came to my table and said “first of all I am married and I am not hitting on you, just wanted to say you are one of the finest woman I have ever seen, but what are you doing with a guy like this? He must be pretty loaded huh?” because my ex is ugly as hell! (in a way he insulted me if you think about it)I told him, no he is not loaded, far from it, but he is one of the rare, good guys, that’s why I am with him. Man the joke was on me!!!! The OW’s thought the same, so he got to fuck them and he had no intentions of leaving me for any of them(but he got caught, asshole!), and when I threw him out they all realized they fucked him all that time for nothing. Their dreams of living in my house, having everything that I have, living my life didn’t happen and all of their DREAMS are shattered lol!!

      —–Yep, the reality isn’t so sparkly now!! Specially for him lol!—- 🙂

      • Wow! That sounds very similar to my case…I am now sure that the three OWs (that I know of) would come to our place and be fascinated with the cool 60s apartment, vintage furniture, amazing library (they are all academics) and imagine themselves living there. Now he lives in a tiny apartment with IKEA furniture, and most of the books are in boxes because he can’t fit them anywhere. I paid most of the mortgage for our place and now have to pay him his share, but he will never be able to get something similar again. All the years we worked on to have our dream place he threw down the drain with the same excuses that stupid Rozie´s soulmate gave her (all lies). I spoke with the last OW telling her that I did not want him back and that my kids don´t want to meet her…she was totally indifferent and said that that is the way relationships end nowadays, “it is a sociological fact” was her pseudo-intelectual argument. Fortunately, I was delighted to see that she looks and talks like my STBX. They are so narcissistic that they fell in love with their image in another person! And I promise you, to look and talk like him (as a woman) is no compliment!….Thank you Karma bus!!!

    • I do love these little insightful ventures into the minds of OW and OM. Remember that article CL posted about the Coast Guard guy and the woman he met while on some oil spill clean up? I need to go back and wathc that one again.
      Same exact type of weird mindset in the woman.

      • It’s called provisional ethics. My personal happiness is paramount to whatever damage I inflict, because other beings are not real to me, they’re just holograms on the exterior of my Bubble of Perceived Want and Need. Even children can be sacrificed to the Great God of Ego that is my complete comfort and fulfillment!

  • jajajajaj!! Rozie you just gave me the time of the day! Just SO much fun to hear your “loving” story of “soulmates”.. OMG are you serious??

    • I know, it does ring of either troll or ‘not very bright’… “Chump Lady, why does my married other man and soul mate who’s family I helped destroy not want to introduce me to his mommy?”

      Only reason I’d believe it might not be a fake is because cheaters are really this stupid. This is like a giant stupid shit cheaters say letter…

  • Wow, going on 3 years! Congrats… Be sure to continue to sleep with him, don’t grow apart and dance like a puppet to keep him happy or he’ll use those same excuses to cheat on you.

    Be warned, you can do all those things, and he’ll just lie to the next one and tell her you two grew apart.. and he’s not happy… because if he says he’s close to you, or you’re his soul mate, then she probably won’t sleep with him.

    You were his free prostitute until he got caught, now you’re his meal ticket until he can come up with another plan. He’s probably out looking for a better offer right now.

  • “Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started?

    No, I doubt he has any shame, and neither do you. He’s not open about your relationship because cheaters like to keep everyone in nice contained zones in which they don’t talk to each other. It’s easier to maintain cake that way, no one compares stories. And it saves them having to keep track of what lies they’ve told whom.”

    Oh, CL – VERY timely, as usual. Thanks for “cutting to the chase.”

    XH announced a few weeks ago that he is getting married later this month to a woman he’s known for 5 months. The woman hasn’t met two of our three kids, has not met his parents, and I don’t even know her name – yet they’re both perfectly okay with that. All they can see is bliss; all I can see is red flags. I would NEVER consider marrying ANYONE again until I had vetted him properly, including meeting his children, ex-wife, and extended family. Blending families is challenging enough; If I’m expected to co-parent with someone’s ex, I’d want to know what I’m dealing with BEFORE I agree to ANYTHING. That XH is keeping everything compartmentalized and this woman is okay with that is just plain crazy to me – especially since she has children. Ignoring his first family is a recipe for disaster. This has expiration date written all over it.

    Even S12 thinks so. He came home from that weekend at XH’s, and said, “Dad’s getting married again. I give it 6 months, tops. Can I live with you full time until this all blows over?”

    Now it all makes sense.

    If XH introduced her to me or the girls, we would all tell her the same thing: “Run! He cheats.” XH knows that, which is why he’s been keeping us all as far apart as possible. How he plans to maintain the anonymity and distance after he’s married is anyone’s guess; perhaps he’s as delusional as Rozieglasses’ cheater, thinking he can maintain cake indefinitely…

    • I think Rozieglasses needs a cartoon… I think there are some really creative possibilities. I think our fearless lead is up for the challenge.

  • Ahhh…The world IS still a beautiful place, and karma DOES exist! Somewhere out there, there is a woman who found her power, and gets to start the new, full, amazing life to celebrate, because she officially ‘took out the trash’!
    Enjoy your ride Rozie! He’s all yours now…(for now….) haha! Thanks for writing, and thank you for sharing this, Chumplady!

    • Hahahahaha…for those of you who wonder about the concept of karma, this is it! Having to live with the consequences of shitty and hurtful behavior! What gets me is this chick seems to want us to feel sorry for her. Sorry, not sorry. Congratulations Rozie, you have “won” the turd. Time to break out the decorative glitter; better start practicing for a lifetime of spackling.

    • Ah yes. Rozie is getting exactly what she deserves. A broke cheater that she has to feed and house. ha ha ha! I hope he bleeds her dry and then moves on to a newer, shinier OW who sends her copies of their lurv letters.

      Somewhere his ex-wife is kicking up her heels and eating popcorn.

  • Oh, I believe this is a real letter because I have seen this kind of shit from OWs on other forums. They are delusional . They prefer it that way. Only an idiot OW could think of her and her MM,who wouldn’t divorce his wife despite how horribly the wife treated him and forced him to cheat and find real true love, as soulmates.
    Roxie, you and your cheater are just average, everyday low life.

  • My cheater’s most recent (?) AP told me that he was with her because he was too good for me. She told me that both he and she are “amazing”, and that I am a “bitter bitch” who never deserved him. When I educated her on the difference between ‘common’ and ‘exceptional’, and invited her to “keep him”, she quickly changed her mind about him, and went back to her boyfriend…(who is also my cheater’s friend?! gah! )
    That peek into the typical mind of common trash AP/Cheater was enough to convince me that the people like ‘Rozie’ really do believe they are somehow exempt from consequence, and the labels like, ‘home wrecking whore’, ‘parasite’, and ‘cheater’. They think that their story is somehow the exception to the rules that guide and direct the rest of society. They really do believe that God Himself got it wrong, and accidentally mismatched ‘soul mates’-switched at the birth of their covenant. Ha! They really do believe in the shit that say to pacify themselves.
    I can’t help it- I wonder about these strange people…where do they come from? Does ‘Rozie’ have any friends? What are they like? Where do ‘Rozies’ come from? Do they have parents, siblings, next of kin? What do their families think of the ‘Rozie’ relationship and lifestyle choices? What do their families think of the schmoopie, DBD ‘soul mates’ with whom they choose to cohabitate?
    My ‘Darwinistic’ curiosity hopes Rozie will check back in, and let us all know how this relationship “grows”…. My ‘Rozieglasses’ hope that nature will balance, and become a safer place when AP’s/Cheaters ‘couple up’, and ‘compartmentalize’ from the rest of us. Perhaps they will even evolve, with significantly obvious physical characteristics-(like two heads), so the rest of us (people who value loyalty, commitment, and a promise) can identify them immediately without having to get too close…. hey-it could happen….:)

    • I have a friend who was once a “Rozie,” when we were in our early 20s. She dated a married man whom she worked with, for about 8 months. When she first told me about him, his “horrible marriage”, and the couch he sleeped on every night lol, I cried bullshit. I told her that Id continue to be her friend, but that I did not support what she was doing and so never wanted to hear anything more about him or their relationship drama. Eight months later, she came crying to me that she had ended it. He had brought his wife to the work Christmas party, and the wife was visibly pregnant. “So he lied, he WAS having sex with his wife all along!” she cried.

      I’m sure that some of the family/ friends of this OW are doing the same thing, telling her the truth that she doesn’t want to hear. Sometimes people are young, and they need to learn for themselves. Other times they are just stupid. My Ex’s Trollwife is in her 40s, so she falls into the “stupid, ugly, desperate, and pathetic, can only get a man if she supports him while he cheats on her” camp. And like with this OW, it’s nice to see the karma bus has made an extended stop on her doorstep 😉

  • is it common for the OW
    not to be alarmed that dickwad hasn’t introduced them to their
    children or do they just choose to believe the excuses – most
    likely that the ex has “poisoned” the children against them. I really don’t get people like Rozie. If this fucktard was such a great father, then the kids would want to spend time with this great
    person. If the horrid
    mother was trying to turn them against their fab father it would backfire and the kids would be pissed with their mother.

    I am in this situation. My STBX has seen his daughter once in 5.5 months for a few minutes. He never calls, has texted her 1 line a couple times and that is it. I will say my daughter at age 14 decided to go NC from the start and filed as part of the divorce process to change her last name to my maiden name. She made it clear from the start there was no cake eating to be had with her. But my real question is what does this OW think that nearly 1.5 years have gone by, he is still not divorced (although I
    trying my darnedest to get rid of him) and she has never met his daughter and he essentially never sees
    or speaks to his daughter. She is a divorced woman herself with a young child and much younger than my former dog turd. Doesn’t an alarm bell go off in her head about his relationship with his own child? He has tried hard to stick the idea to anyone who will
    listen that I have destroyed his relationship with his child, it’s all
    my fault because I have poisoned her against him. Does this OW really believe that line? Of course she bought the whole story about his terrible wife in the first place so
    maybe that just fits in with the image she has of me.

    However, I thank the Paramour everyday for getting that jackass out of my life and my daughters. We are both SOOO much better off and far happier. I just wish I could get him to settle and be done with him completely.

    • Mommy Chump, I’m in the same position, wondering the same thing. XH is set to remarry someone he’s only known for a few months who hasn’t bothered to meet all his children. If I were in her shoes, all I’d see is red flags. Strangely, twistedly, she does not. I don’t get it, either…

    • My 13 year old just warned her father she would block his calls if he texted her one more time to apologize for his affair (she just found out about the condoms I found in his computer bag on D-day and wants nothing to do with him).

      We’re adopting a shelter dog, instead (and will train the new dog to attack his scent in case Cheater shows up unannounced).

  • Rozieglasses, this is why I sorta felt sorry for my ex’s OW for a short time, she did me a favor really. While he was telling you he couldn’t decide, he was telling his wife he loved her and it was over with you. When she kicked him out it was because she busted him again. When he moved in with you it was because he wasn’t having any fun at his friends house, he had to pay his own way, clean his own shit. Much easier to live with you and you take care of him. Oh, and that thing about not divorcing due to finance and insurance? I’m betting he was ON his wife’s insurance. Oh, that and he was still hoping to get back together with his wife…

    As far as her getting the best of the settlement, CL nailed it – it’s not out of the goodness of his heart. That’s just the lie he tells you. He’s not bringing you around people because he’s still telling them all that you are “just friends” and now “roommates”. You really don’t get it.

    When I told my ex we were divorcing he kept pretending to his OW that I was heartbroken and he couldn’t leave me yet, she ate that shit up. The reality was he refused to leave. When I finally forced him out of my home. He went to mommas house first, he didn’t like living with momma any more than your guy liked living with his friend. BTW, my ex signed up for Ashley Madison one month after he moved in with his OW and met up with two different women in the first month. You think after 3 years he’s not cheating on you? You got one thing right though, you are indeed “soulmates”…just so long as you take care of him and he doesn’t find someone who has more money. Once that divorce is final, he won’t have any excuse not to marry you so he’ll definitely be lining up a better option. He probably already is, he’s telling her how hard you are to live with, poor sausage.

  • I hope he leaves you for another woman so you know what it’s like. You think you are special and that he will never cheat on you don’t you? Trust me, you are not special one bit. I will hold back on telling you what I really think of you because I don’t know if CL will get mad at me or not. May more Karma coming knocking at your door. I wish I could watch the fall out.

  • Rozie,
    Are you certain your real name isn’t Terrie because – outside of a few details – you could be the slunt who my ex was banging for several years before I discovered the fact via pictures on his cell phone.

    You may be a dim bulb, Rozie dear, but you’ve got balls the size of bowling balls to come on this website and cry “am I loved by the man I cheated with” to this group of wonderful, tough, survivors of the scourge that is infidelity.

    Before you try to figure out if he “really” loves you or is using you for the security you provide, why not try (I know it’s hard for a self centered, chock full of low self-esteem gal like yourself) to think about WHAT YOU’VE DONE to create the hellscape your “soulmate’s” family is dealing with? You won’t find a moment’s peace of mind, a moment’s true happiness, a moment’s quiet in the deepest recesses of that swampy little heart of yours until you actually OWN what your part was in the pain you caused and ATONE for it.

    Since that’s not likely to happen (we are SO happy in our new life so many states away living on my income!) – I can only say to you – thanks for showing me again that there are doppelganger cheating scenarios to my own experience and I am not alone in dealing with such incredible narcissistic assholes.

    You reap what you so, Rozie. You’ve got him – you paid for him. You get to keep him until he decides you just aren’t what he “needs to be happy” anymore.

  • Best.Post.Ever. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love this CL, it almost sounds like it was written by my X’s latest love, LOL!

  • HA HA HA! Thanks for the laugh, CL.

    Rozie, didn’t your Mama tell you if you lie down with dogs, you get fleas? You fucked a married man. You fucked over his kids and wife, destroying their world as they knew it, and you are here simpering and snivelling, wondering if this guy truly loves you?

    Why don’t you just go to Nevada and become a prostitute instead? There’s more honesty in that.

    You will end up being the Chump, one day, and if you want to come here for sympathy, may I refer you to a dictionary? You will find ‘sympathy’ between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis”.

      • Well, it is!

        Another thought for Rosie-while your Super Special Snowflake Soulmate Schmoopie was still with his wife, you can bet he was still having sex with her for the sake of keeping up the charade until he lined you up as his Sugar Mama…..so here is a dare for you. Come home unannounced and early from work one day, and see what you find. Different brand of cig in the ashtray? Sheets in the dryer? Towels mysteriously damp? Not-your perfume lingering in the air? Does he hide his phone while you are in the room?

        This guy has not introduced you to his friends or his kids. That indicates his criteria for relationship material is three holes and a pulse. In other words, no one -especially you-will ever be special enough for him to not chase after the next set of genitals to be waggled in his face. Three years is a long time, but just because he is playing a long game doesn’t mean he is not playing. In other words, his regard for you has already peaked.

        BTW-my DD nearly killed herself at age 14 in the face of Mr Fab and his OW (sister inlaw, you couldn’t make it up). She has PTSD and anxiety issues, and probably will her whole life. You probably never thought of that as a possible consequence, did you? Sounds to me like his ex has her head on straight, as do her kids. So don’t whinge about not being introduced-you have already done enough damage. I hope your stolen orgasms were sweet enough to justify messing with these kids’ lives……

        Want to redeem yourself? Get this guy out of your house, and out of your life, and leave the parasitic relationship behind. Date people who are actually single. If this guy was willing to fuck over his wife and kids with you, he is perfectly able and willing to do the same to you.

        And if you don’t like our answers, you shouldn’t have asked.

        No, Rosie, he does not love you-you are a cook, a vagina and a purse and no more. That situation is of your own choosing, hence no sympathy. His ex could have been a Throw Momma from the Train type harridan, but that would still never justify an affair, even if you and him spend the rest of your lives together. You are bankrolling an abuser.

  • Where to start…lol

    You *are* the other woman…lol. He is a cheater. He won’t get divorced because he is going to have severe financial consequences. He is a cheater. Why you think he won’t do the same thing to you is beyond me. He is a cheater. Oh, and you are a cheater too….lol

    Grow a spine, get some self-esteem, stop blowing smoke up your own ass and leave this cheating crapweasel. Your relationship with him isn’t special. You aren’t special. You are both cheaters.

    Why his wife doesn’t also grow a spine and divorce this crapweasel is beyond me. She stays with him for the “insurance?” Really?!?!?! lol

    Oh, and you may want to do some research of morals and ethics.

    • I especially LOVE the part where now he will have to live with you because if you don’t take him in he will be homeless…….

      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

      So, you are going to support a guy who didn’t have the balls to just leave his wife and instead decided to cheat on her, for years, with you? Great….good luck with that.

      I give it three months before he resents you for supporting him. No, really! He *will* resent you for supporting him. This happens all the time. He will feel trapped with you. So, just like when he felt trapped in his sham of a marriage, you will soon be on the receiving end of a DDay.

      At least I can take comfort in the fact that you will eventually understand what you put his wife through. Perhaps then you will wake up.

      I’m sure he has cheated on you in the past, is probably cheating on you right now and will cheat on you in the future. So, go ahead. Make sure he isn’t homeless……

      This is priceless…lol

      • When I read Rozie’s letter with my morning coffee I thought ‘NO WAY’…would a cheater other woman write to Chump Lady…but maybe so. I can hardly believe it though. Wow. Just wow.

        What I have learned from CL is that I was of use to my cheater. He never loved me. Now the OW is of use to him. She provided him a way out of his job and bought a house for him to live in. He didn’t have to do A THING. Of course she’s his soul mate schmoopie.

        Friends I have known that have been the Other Woman: One was told that the Married man never had sex with his wife until she showed up pregnant. Ye-ah. Another OW is still living with her married man but he has refused to divorce his wife. If he dies the OW will get nothing.
        Another friend who has been the OW for 10 years and is getting older by the minute truly believes that her married boyfriend doesn’t sleep with his wife and won’t leave her because of the kids and grandkids but they are really truly soul mate schmoopies. I’ve never seen such delusional bullshit in my life. None of it is working out for any of them. I’ve warned them all ‘NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM ANY OF THIS.” I’ll be the first to say ‘I told you so.’

        As far as the Skank Woman that ran off with my XH….she doesn’t have ONE friend in the world. She’s the phoniest piece of shit that ever walked the earth. The kind that gives everyone silly little nicknames trying to ingratiate herself into their lives. Buying gifts for people/buying friendship. She knew my XH three months (we weren’t even divorced) when she refinanced her house and paid off all our debts. How’s that for stupid? Worked for me though. He’s already cheated on her over a hundred times.He’s cheating on her right now. But she’s Special, ya know. She’s hanging in there with all her specialness.

        • You reminded me, Syringa, of a man my poor sister was in love with. In fact he came with her to Oregon to meet her whole family and they found a place in the woods where they planned to get married. Back at home, he lived in another city and he claimed that as he got closer to his house he lost his cell phone connection. So every single day they said their “I love you’s” as he approached this magical place where his cell phone wouldn’t work any more.

          I forget how she found out he was married, but she did eventually find out. She tried to break it off with him, but he begged her to let him work out a separation and divorce agreement with his wife. For a while she gave him some time for that, but eventually she realized he wasn’t doing a thing, was ball-less, a liar, and wanted his cake. She finally dumped his ass, but now she’s so wrecked she knows she’ll never open herself up to love again.

          • Moving Liquid, I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your sister. If you haven’t already, please show her the part of the CL book that talks about being able to trust again. As Tracy points out, we have to trust people the moment we leave our homes and step into an airplane, for example. Chumps have big hearts and even though they get broken, there’s still plenty left for deserving people. Don’t let a cheater rob your sister of the joy of love.

  • Ha ha!

    Rozie: Here are some facts for you.

    1. Your boyfriend has been married for 25 years. Ask yourself why, if he was so unhappy, if it was so devoid of love, that he stayed for that long. This is not the 19th Century. We do not force people to stay in loveless marriages. He had an honorable option: divorce. Why did he not exercise that option if he was so unhappy?

    2. Your boyfriend told you that he loved you, and you are soulmates. If you are soulmates, then ask yourself why did he not divorce his wife to be with you. Oh, I know. He told you that it was very expensive. What he means is that you’re not worth it. If you think your love is the most precious thing in the world, think again. He’s telling you that you’re a nice screw, but not worth 50% of his retirement plus whatever child support he owes.

    3. Your boyfriend treats you one way when you’re away from your home state and another way when you’re in your home state. Ask yourself why. You already know the answer: you’re the Other Woman. Yep, until the divorce is there, you’re in an adulterous relationship. Say that again: “adulterous.” Your wonderful, special boyfriend is an adulterer. Adultery thrives in secrecy. Your boyfriend has to keep the relationship as secret as he possibly can. No one respects an adulterer. Adulterers lie. They break their solemn vows. What he’s done is insulting: to his wife, to his children, to his friends, to both his family and his in-laws, and even to you. Yes you. Because if he were honest, he’d have divorced his wife to be with you.

    4. Your boyfriend has signed everything away to his wife. Ask yourself, what do you mean by “everything”? Did your boyfriend not have a lawyer? If not, why not? He would be entitled to one. Oh, he can’t afford one? That tells you your future right there.

    Rozie, you are Schmoopie here. I am sure that your boyfriend will finally consent to marry you. After all, you are giving him food, shelter, sex–and hey! you’re soulmates!

    But remember the old saying about the man who marries his mistress. Yep, he creates a job opening.

    Have a nice day.

  • “she has stepped back to allow our relationship to grow”
    I haven’t read other comments yet but had to say that this line had me howling with laughter. That and the line about being surprised about the wife filing the paperwork and how it makes it harder for you and he.
    Maybe as you come to find that you are also a chump (after being a home wrecker) you will realize how selfish and deluded these thoughts are.

    • Yeah, I nearly fell off my chair reading that. No, Rozie, the wife did not “step back” to “allow [your] relationship to grow.” She stepped back because her husband betrayed her, lied to her, cheated on her, abandoned the family and moved out of state. She was no doubt totally devasted. She has been trying to raise the kids and put them through school on probably less than 1/2 of what the family lived on before. She has been dealing with teenaged/college aged kids who are also hurt and devastated by your soul mate’s abandonment. She has probably cried ten million tears and spent 3 years trying to understand the betrayal and figuring out that he is a soulless jackass who could walk away from his family and responsibilities to shack up with you. ‘Cause if you haven’t met the family in three years, he’s shacked up. In any case, the whole triangle with the wife is about to be over and Soul Mate Schmoopie will be looking around for a hypotenuse (and in case you skipped math, that means the third leg of a triangle. Trust me on this, Rozie, to the woman your “Soul Mate” betrayed, you are the lowest form of trash on the planet. She would rather jump into a vat of acid that assist you in growing your relationship. And now you’ve shown the whole world why because you have zero remorse for what you put this woman through and what you did and are still doing to her kids. You don’t even have the decency to be ashamed.

      • You can tell this letter hit a nerve because there are a lot of typos above and in my post below. Sorry to all.

      • After the ten million tears, she was able to dance away – fast! It’s my hope too. And make no mistake – this male WILL absolutely resent you for supporting him. Because his ego is bigger than his p*nis.

  • First,
    “just his chump wife finally asserting her power with a good lawyer. She’s given him a tiny taste of the shit sandwich SHE was dealt with his betrayal and abandonment — only he deserves it. A consequence. A fair settlement to the mother of his children.”

    Right on, CL! Mine begged me not to file any paperwork when I kicked him out and still being in chump mode but not knowing it yet, I didn’t. He was diligent about helping with bills until he just decided on his own to stop one day. At that point, plenty of other lies, deceit and women had been uncovered so I filed. He was soooo offended! Then he started the intimidation – ‘I’d be willing to give you more but you made this public record so now I’m not’ and ‘if we go to court, you’ll only get half of everything anyway’. Classic narc – my response was, ‘when did you get a law degree and become so knowledgeable’? Guess what? He was soooo wrong!

    Second,
    ‘this affair is a mistake? Scratch “mistake”, because affairs are deliberate choices.’

    Right on again, CL! It really ticked me off to hear my STBX say that he made a mistake. I immediately responded that mistakes are accidental and I don’t think screwing many different women and prostitutes for many different years was accidental….it was a choice – a decision that he made repeatedly! He sought out these women, charmed them, and fucked them. Some were one night stands while others were repeats. Of course, he booked the prostitutes online so not sure how that qualifies as a ‘mistake’ in his pyscho mind….

    My thought on Rozie’s soul mate? Classic narc cheater, of course. He’s likely told his friends and wife that they are not together or just friends so he can still look like a semi good guy. Rozie is not only an OW but a chump who doesn’t deserve an ounce of sympathy.

  • Rozie, Rozie, Rozie. You blew it hon. Next time (and there will be a next time) you need to get preggers at the first sign of any waffling. Back him into a corner and force him to do the right thing — you know, MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF YOU! hahahahahaha!

    Babies are so special! They make your love complete! Plus, the innocent new life is the perfect blank slate for your cheating asshole boyfriend (they make the best fathers) to project all his existential angst onto. Always say it’s going to be a boy even if you know differently. Go on and on about how it’s not the child’s fault, just like it’s not your cheating asshole boyfriend’s fault — bigger forces are at work! (like Karma getting started) This kid will never grow up to hate him like his other kids did. A fresh start! Life will be like Christmas every day for the 3 of you! (never have more than one kid — it stretches your body out something fierce and takes time away from the real baby)

    Lotsa luck,

    Chumpalicious

  • Rozie says, “I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written to her benefit and he has turned everything over to her, (guilt I suppose). Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.” What did you expect this woman to do, Rozie? Just live in limbo? She was no doubt recovering from the way you and her horrible narcissist husband blew up her life and the kids’ lives. She has to think of someone other than herself, as she has kids still in school. She had 25 years invested in this disgusting jackass and wasn’t willing to throw in the towel because he tells YOU you’re his Soul Mate. Of course the divorce is written to her benefit. She has the kids, she must have found a good attorney, and the judge wasn’t a dumbs. DUH. Wonder how many of those three years that the wife went without basic necessities? Did she lost the house? Did she have to take a second job? Because if he got pounded in the divorce to the point he can’t pay rent, he must have hellacious arrearages in child support or else he had to agree to pay tuition, back bills, etc. Or could be this paragon of wonderfulness is lying to you, keeping what money he can because now he needs a new supply of CAKE and EGO KIBBLES.

    I wasn’t married to the jackass who betrayed me; we were just “committed,” so I thought, when his head was turned by a fat, lazy, semiliterate married woman with three kids, who started an affair with him when her brother died. She wrote a letter, he went to the memorial, then I was history. Except that he told me over and over we weren’t breaking up; he just needed time, etc. And then I caught him. I don’t give his sorry ass a second thought, but if there is a human in the world that I despise, it is the smug, shallow OW who put her devoted husband and three kids at risk and blew my life to smithereens with about as much empathy and remorse as you express. Which is to say, none at all.

    • My bet would be;

      “this paragon of wonderfulness is lying to you, keeping what money he can because now he needs a new supply of CAKE and EGO KIBBLES.”

      YEP that’s exactly what it is! He will use her for everything she got, getting her to support him fully and keep his money in his pocket while crying poverty.

  • “. . .I still feel like the other woman.” You are the other woman! For the life of me, I cannot understand why affair partners think they are above that label, as if they are special and excluded from being an asshole.

    “Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc.” As you should. You wanted him. Now you have him.

    “. . . my poor boyfriend. . .” I can’t even.

    You seem to have a lot of questions now that he is no longer his wife’s problem. I would suggest sleeping with one eye open because what they do with you they will do to you. You are not special.

    • “Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc.” As you should. You wanted him. Now you have him.

      Nice when it works out like that 🙂

      • I wonder what Rozie means by “entertainment”? Surely she’s not paying for her boyfriend’s hookers? I thought *she* was the entertainment. But I suppose that pasties don’t come cheap.

  • Having seen several people go through all of this over the years I will never understand this level of delusion.

    If he will do it WITH you, he *will* do it TO you.

    How this point is missed by so many is really beyond my comprehension.

  • Rozie, if you’re real, I wish you could feel the pain of being betrayed for just two minutes. Just that two minutes might prove to you that your involvement with a married man caused grievous harm to three lives.

    The problem is you’re not capable of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes so you’ll never know the pain you’ve caused.

    I’m in a particular state of bitterness of late, having just seen my husband’s girlfriend for the first time. She’s a real step up from me, half my age and half my weight. What a catch he is. No matter than in eight years he never contributed anything financially to our life and drained me of every penny I had. And in the month my money finally ran out, he kicked me out and blamed me for everything.

    So Rozie, fuck you and the horse you rode in on you filthy home wrecking piece of shit.

    • Moving – in no way is she a step up from you…you have twice the heart, intelligence, and character of this homewrecking POS. You are mighty…Hugs.

        • Half your age, half your weight, none of your intelligence or morals?
          Probably looks like the cheap trashy skank she is, with makeup flaking off her butterface.
          Don’t ever think you’re below this piece of shit, ML – because you’re not. And no amount of self-righteous crap being spewed from her pathetic mouth will say otherwise.

    • Hi Moving- I agree with ReDefiningMe-she’s NOT a real step up from you. This betrayal stuff hits hard at our self esteem. Age (I’m 57 too) and weight issues are our weak spots. But remember, just like our young Rozie here, the OWs in your and mine stories got our manipulative XH’s who are using them for as long as they are useful. I know the financial hit is hard but you never have to subsidise him ever again- same for me and my XH. My XH even said- ‘well you’ll be better off without me’. They know what they are and what they do.

        • ML, so sorry you are still struggling with the weight thing–and I don’t mean body fat or pounds. I mean thinking the weight thing has to do with your worth. The MOW in my case is 18 years younger, born about the time I graduated from HS. It was a horrible blow to my then-62 year old ego. I’ve come around to a different POV on all of that. She is younger but not smarter or kinder or harder working or more fun or more attractive. She did something I would never do–put kids (would that I had a few) at risk. She is largely unconscious and like Rozie seems oblivious to the damage she did, because while Jackass was the Cheater in relation to me, she was right in there with the lying, the gas lighting, etc. So apply that to your situation. You are smart. You are articulate when you write. You have a big heart. You loved him with that big heart with no reservation. What our bodies look like is just the “outfit” we are wearing. Eventually, you will lose the weight. I’ve lost 45-48 (depends on the day) over the past several years, 25 of that in the ten months after D-Day. I’m more comfortable with my appearance now, but I couldn’t lose weight and keep it off until I liked ME the way I was. Keep working on you, but remember to love yourself first. Love the ML we all see every day. And remember that the “other woman” is never very special. Just another source of kibbles and cake. I know Jackass could care less about what a woman looks like or whether she is smart, etc. He was willing to hook up with a woman at a memorial service. And she was willing to start up an affair in front of her whole family. For Cheaters, a step up is “a woman/man who worships me and is too blind to see reality,” because their greatest fear is being found out to be empty. ((((hugs)))) You know I totally believe in your awesomeness.

  • Just confronted a similar version of delusion last night, after my 13-year old found out her father was a cheater. He confirmed he had told our 18-year old because she was an adult, and that the 18-year old, “seemed okay with it or at least not judgmental…” WTF–the 18-year old is the one who told me that her father was “clueless” and to “just file already.”

    How do these cheaters (and their OW/OM) miss the mark so dramatically on how they are perceived by other people? I’m fascinated how they can be successful in one aspect of their lives, and yet completely stoopid in emotional intelligence.

    • NPD S and high functioning BPDS can be successful in some areas of their lives. It is once folks really get to know them that they are perceived accurately .
      They are often masters at playing to an audience.

      • YES. My ex has a huge following of people who really do not know him, but see his glitter and Mr Nice Guy mask and think he is the most wonderful guy on the planet. Those who REALLY know him think he is a lunatic and a horrible person.

        As Arnold said, disordered types can be extremely successful at fooling others. They are often masters of charm, wit and life-of-the-party antics. But if you are unfortunate enough to fall for their bullshit, you’ll eventually experience the wickedness behind the mask.

  • The “poor me” about the woman filing (after three years yet) is mind boggling. I felt that this was the mindset of the OW in my case with the minimal (thankfully) interaction that I had. Just no comprehension of what her (and X’s) actions had done which you described very vividly in your earlier post LaJ. Part of me wanted to scream it to her but the other part realized it would only make me look like the crazy woman X had to leave for her. It would only make her feel more superior than she already did in her brazen narcissistic way. I filed early but the continuing mess my daughter put up with let me know how ridiculously long people will hold onto their delusion that their “love” was all worth it and no sincere apology nor remorse need be expressed. To be ashamed after would have been the ONLY possible way for there to have been the possibility of relationship with these people. Daughter grew in meantime and refuses to see them now.

  • In honor of CL and everyone’s great responses, I am changing my handle from Chumpectomy to Good Mazel in the next post.

    Mazel is a term for inspiration, intuition and destiny. The common usage is congratulations or good luck. I think being a chump who loved honestly, was cheated on and then left their cheater is a sign of good mazel. It’s a sign that I now am in touch with reality and am no longer being tricked. I no longer live based on a faulty reality spun by a loved one who does not exist. Knowing the truth and leaving cheater made me feel connected to my intuition and self again. I am much luckier than any OW.

    Now, to the matter at hand—notice, how Rozie states that the cheater husband went to live with her and DID NOT TELL HIS WIFE WHERE HE WAS LIVING. She somehow believes that all the phone calls to the wife were occasions where the wife bestowed her blessings on the new couple (ha!). She is confused and surprised about how the divorce transpired buying all the BS about not wanting to hurt the kids, (ha!) Now, she is just shocked that he treats her like an OW when they go back home. Boy oh boy, is she ever getting played.

    The different between her and a chump is that she deserves it. She’s a cheater who is getting cheated on. That is justice. READ MY POST OW who is being played: YOU ARE NOT A CHUMP!

    I think the word “bitter” that OWs and cheaters love to use to describe us, does not describe how I feel about cheaters/ OW/ OM. My emotions are anger, contempt, revulsion, irritation, horror, terror and disgust. These people are cringe inducing. These emotions are not where I want to dwell, but sometimes I do dwell and when I am lucky get to look closely at why I feel this way. These emotions are telling me to keep away from liars because they and their actions are bad for my soul. They do not allow me to live and fulfill my destiny–but take me away from myself and into their vortex of crazy.

    This OW is living a lie as she always had. She will stay there until she discovers that he has hidden bank accounts that she is not privy, has lied about his finances and has left her—much poorer. That is when intense bitterness will descend upon the older, less wiser Rozie.

    • Mazel – Mazeltov (is that appropriate – hope so) 😀 Hurrah for you, your new mindset and your new handle – that is GREAT!!!!! 😀 xxxx

  • Rozie-
    “My concern is that when we return to our home state, our relationship feels different. When we have run into their mutual friends he does not introduce me as his girlfriend. He has never introduced me to his children or his family. He said that his wife doesn’t want me involved with his college aged children and he doesn’t want to push it. And he says that his ex is very close with his mom and siblings and they aren’t ready yet. Our world is an open book when we are away, but when we get back to our home state I still feel like the other woman.”

    First off, you ARE the other woman and have NEVER been anything but the other woman. The only thing you should be feeling like IS the other woman. The only way to avoid being the other woman is to NOT DATE MARRIED MEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! Like hell the rest of the family is just going to welcome in the other woman with open arms. Did you seriously expect cinnamon rolls, a parade and a spare room at your beckon call? (please excuse me while I join Chump Lady and the rest of Chump Nation in convulsions of laughter).

    Secondly, your relationship is different depending on which state you’re in because you’re both involved in a double life! Neither of you has accepted any responsibility or truth in the actions you’ve each taken. You’re not special. You’re a schmoop. He’s a scumbag. He’s playing you like he’s played everyone else. You’re not going to find any sympathy either because you’re lacking in the same areas he is (character, integrity, honesty, a moral compass etc). Fix that. If you have any desire to ever have a real, legitimate, genuine relationship you need to fix that and fix it fast.

    “They seem to have an amicable relationship and although she wants nothing to do with me, she has stepped back to allow our relationship to grow.”

    Bullshit. She finally just got her backbone and stopped doing the “pick me dance.” It’s about time too. Good for her! I hope she knows about CL too. We’re here for fellow chumps. She comes before you do and that won’t change.

    “I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written to her benefit and he has turned everything over to her, (guilt I suppose). Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.”

    Again, good for his STBX!! Him handing over everything she laid out is probably the only decent thing he’s ever done. That’s how it should be too. You’re “surprised” that she finally decided to divorce the lying ass that’s just bombed their family? WTF? What on earth are you “surprised” about? Your “poor” boyfriend is a slime ball. Congratulations, you’re officially subscribing to the “charm and self pity” mindfuck stations and have been stuck on only those channels for 3 years and counting. Yes, some soul mate you’ve got there. So you’re already taking responsibility for him financially. Guess what? Once that divorce is filed, who do you think is going to be paying the child support for his children? Ding ding ding! YOU!!

    That’s some life you’ve got there. His ex has the better end of the deal.

    • “I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.”

      I just laughed and laughed when I read that line.

  • Just wow. These delusional slunts are not a bright bunch, are they?

    Trust that they suck. And they do not change. The cheaters and their pathetic “new” fools just keep on being idiots – with their magical thinking and bullshit reality.

    I got a real affirmation of this truth this week. The State Department refused to renew my cheating exH’s passport last month for owing almost $100,000 in back child support. He was warned this would happen by both me (years ago) and the case worker. But NOOOOO, he’s special and wonderful and Rules Do Not Apply To Him. So he calls the case worker and asks her to “pretty please” give him his passport back, and she refuses. Tells him to pay the entire balance due. So he pulls the “my mother is dying” card, and she laughs in his face. His mother isn’t dying, and she knows it. So then he gets mad and stomps off.

    Fast forward to last Friday; I get an unexpected deposit of a few hundred dollars, so I call the case worker and say, “what in the world is going on?” and she laughs and says that sure enough, the new wife and he came in that day to make a payment. Seems new wife is a bit pissy because without a passport they can’t go on fancy vacations (that somehow he can afford, despite having himself declared “indigent” to get his support lowered). So now the new wife’s job is to babysit him so he makes his payment…until she figures out that won’t really help…because he’s lying to her too…imagine that. Moral of the Story – he’s still the same lying, irresonsible, POS that he’s always been. It’s just no longer my problem – it’s hers….LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  • “We became friends and he opened up about not being happy in his marriage, they had grown apart, didn’t sleep together, etc. His wife found out about our friendship and insisted on marriage counseling and they did that for awhile. During counseling he could not make the decision between her or me, so she asked him to move out.”

    Roxie, it helps to label things appropriately. What you described in your first paragraph is what is called an “emotional affair.” It’s not a “friendship.” It’s an “affair.” If it was merely a “friendship” as you say, I doubt the wife would have treated it as a threat to the marriage insisting that it stopped. She is grounded in reality. You were cheating on her with her husband–even if it was “only” emotionally at the time.

    “So here is the problem — is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner?”

    Roxie, what does his actions say? Does love say I will be with you for 3 years as a mistress or does lust say that? Think about it.

    • Roxie, let me repeat; when your MM said marriage counseling didn’t work because he couldn’t decide between you? That was a lie. I am 99.9% sure he was telling his wife he loved her and you were history in MC. His wife kicked him out when she discovered he was still lying to her. You of course believe he would NEVER lie to you, how ludicrous. This happened with me and a whole bunch of other chumps in false reconciliation. WHY do APs think that the person they are cheating with tells them the truth while lying to their spouse? I really don’t get it. Liars, they lie to everyone, including themselves.

  • Rozie:

    Please pay close attention…….my exH lied to his OW just like he lied to me!! Your oh so fabulous “boyfriend” has absolutely told you many lies as well. TRUST THAT!!!! He has to tell you shit to keep you on the hook and feeding his ego. After five long years of thousands of lies I finally got a backbone….put my bitch boots on and told him I was divorcing him (similar to your story above). Once in his new apartment he called our two teenage daughters crying…..told them how much he loved me and he promised them he would win me back! Then…..he called the OW. She is now living with him. My youngest daughter has put many pieces together and during one visit with her dad she said “so…when you told me you were going to win mom back, you were talking to OW the entire time?” He said……..”yeah…..but OW can NEVER know about it!” LOL

    There you go Rozie. That is what you can expect!!!

    • And this is very similar to what happened to me. Crying, telling our neighbors and our sons he’s going to ‘win me back’.
      Back to what? I think not, CheaterXXX.
      Then, he moved in with OW.

  • Why do cheaters use the term “soul mate” so much? Anytime I hear that phrase, I know there is a big dose of bullshit going on. Do normal people refer to their partner as a “soul mate,” or is it always disordered and their affair partners?

    • The only time I’ve seen it used seriously was by the ex’s OW in emails to him. I think it’s a defense mechanism to make the affair partner feel better about their shitty actions – in other words it’s blame shifting on a cosmic scale. Heh, you see I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone but the universe meant us to be together, bleh…

    • GIO, my ex husband of 37 years called me his “soul mate” about 2 weeks before I left his apartment. He patted me on the back like you would a dog and made sure that there was distance between us!! But he swears on a stack of bibles that there wasn’t anyone waiting in the wings. I know better.

    • I’ve heard the term “soul mate” used outside of affairs… in romance novels, in operas, in soap operas… any medium where love is dramatic, obstacles are constant and extreme, passion is sudden and cannot be overcome, etc. If cheaters were looking for consistency, respect, trust, a partner who will work with them through thick and thin than they wouldn’t be cheaters, they would be faithful husbands and wives. In order to justify destroying the family it must be dramatic, powerful, literary – Tristan and Isolde, Gatsby and Daisy, Lancelot and Guinevere – soul mates.

      • I think the term should be “sole mates,” as in, they’re willing to walk all over everyone in order to be together. If the shoe fits….

        • I blame Disney and all that ‘some day my prince will come’ bullshit. I guess you can justify anything if it is in pursuit of love or a ‘soulmate.’

          Well, no, you can’t, but they continue to try. Idiots…all of them. What a bunch of delusional crap.

  • Dear Rozie,

    I’m going to try to resist going for the jugular here. For two reasons;

    !) You obviously don’t believe you deserve all the criticism (rightly, I have to say) you’ll receive here. It’s apparent you see yourself and your relationship with this man as the exception. Despite your ‘unfortunate beginnings’, yours is the tale of ‘true love’ and ‘just one of those things that happen’, so we should all appreciate how difficult things have become in your romance, Clearly, you must truly believe your ‘soulmates’ status makes that little, unfortunate detail – you know, the adultery thing, not worth getting alarmed about – somehow, CL and Chump Nation will hear ‘he was unhappy’ ‘we’re soulmates’ and ‘I love him and want this to work’ and go, ‘oh, ok then, that is so much more different from all our experiences, all our perceptions of adulterers, we’ll give you a pass then’. I cannot believe you’d have written to CL if you’d have had even the faintest perception that you are everything that is anathema to the betrayed spouses we are. I can only think your belief in your exceptional relationship will continue speaking to you as you read CL’s and Chump Nation’s responses, and make you deaf and blind to the truth you are being told. Either that, or you are a masochist looking for your particular brand of ‘thrill’.

    2) You’ve got a shit load of pain coming your way. It has already started. You’re prettifying it to make it more palatable to yourself, but you know you are his dirty little secret – maybe you thought that would change once he left his wife and moved in with you, but it hasn’t has it? You are still not ‘legitimately’ in his life and 3 years, while a mere blink of the eye compared to 25 years, is long enough for him to be ‘committed’ enough to you for you to be known as his girlfriend/partner in his life. Particularly as you are meant to be ‘soulmates’!

    Prettifying (spackling as it’s known in these parts) your fairly good at that. Look at how pretty you tried to make you story to CL. Starts off with ‘We became friends and he opened up about not being happy in his marriage, they had grown apart, didn’t sleep together, etc. His wife found out about our friendship and insisted on marriage counseling and they did that for awhile’. Just friends were you, before his wife ‘insisted’ they went to marriage counseling?. Uh, huh – she ‘insisted’ did she? Who told you that? That honest, truthful, open-book of a boyfriend? Or is that another exception in your exceptional relationship? Sure he lied and deceived his wife but he’s a paragon of honest virtue with you, right? Just consider this – he was unhappy and they weren’t having sex, grown apart – what makes you think his wife was any happier? Do you think, if that was the truth, she’d have preferred to be in a close and happy relationship, having sex on a regular basis? You are surely not suggesting your boyfriend is the only person in that relationship who could decide whether they wanted to have a happier life? If things were so dreadful between them that he just had to fall into your arms, why would his wife ‘insist’ on marriage counseling? You make it sound like she’d forced him to go to the dentists for root canal work without anesthetic. Don’t you see what you’ve done there? As someone else said earlier, this isn’t the nineteenth century, no one has to stay in a loveless marriage, that applies to her as much as him, why would she ‘insist’ on trying to counsel the dead marriage back to life – she surely couldn’t have been any more happier than he was if the marriage was in the state he had you believe.

    You then go on to prettify moving several states away, and seeing his children (or rather child) for a couple of hours per month. Listen, he didn’t have to move, what in Europe would be considered several countries away for work, I simply don’t believe it. I am not at all surprised one child wants nothing more to do with him, and he is becoming more and more like some distant acquaintance with the other child, not family anymore – never, really ever again. The children didn’t move, Dad chose to do that, Dad chose to do everything. It’s not pretty, it;s abandonment. I don’t care if plenty of other deadbeat Dad’s have done it before, it’s still shit, it’s still child abuse. Try making that as pretty as you like so you and he can still be ‘good people’ in your head, I can guarantee, you wouldn’t want this to happen to your children or anyone you honestly loved.

    The final piece of ‘prettifying’ I want to address is this whiny moan about the divorce settlement. First of all, why have you got a beef about his wife initiating divorce proceedings? Because you’d have preferred for him to call the shots? or because you think she got a better deal than you think she should have? Listen, google it – raising children is an expensive business, whatsmore this lady invested 25 years in this man, she believed they were together for life, the plans they made, the steps she took in her life were influenced by him being there. She gave him the home, spring-board, support, (my arsehole ex used to sell life insurance – there is actually a calculator somewhere that puts a £ value on all that housework, laundry service, child-rearing, personal assistance, cooking, shopping, everything – had he paid someone for these services he’d have been owing thousands annually, and you know, there are employment laws that prohibit sacking the staff simply because you fancy a bit of strange pushing that vacuum cleaner). What the hell should it matter to you what the divorce settlement is – that is none of your business, but word to the wise, here in the UK your income could be taken into account for an even bigger payment to the divorcing spouse, so frankly get over yourself, you should be happy the divorce is in process – you are one step closer to making him all yours (this is never going to happen by the way, honest). As for you keeping him in the lifestyle he’d like to become accustomed to – look, that’s the nature of a committed relationship. In the marriage vows we promise ‘in richer and poorer, sickness and in health’. Welcome to a mature relationship. Be aware, he didn’t like it the last time he tried one of those.

    So, I’ve tried not to tear you down to the ground, but Rozie, I can’t ‘prettify’ any of it for you. Get real and honest with yourself, start with describing things truthfully – like ‘friendship’ at the opening of your letter should have really read ‘fuck buddies’. You’re not going to get anywhere if you can’t even speak the truth to yourself.

    Jayne

    PS – I’m delighted the wife filed and her class shines through that she’ll speak ‘amicably’ to him despite having wasted 25 years of her precious life on a lying, cheating arsehole.

    • How can anyone be fretting if their boyfriend loves them/loves them not – when this is somewhere in their conscience for the rest of their life?

      Jayne wrote: “You then go on to prettify moving several states away, and seeing his children (or rather child) for a couple of hours per month. Listen, he didn’t have to move, what in Europe would be considered several countries away for work, I simply don’t believe it. I am not at all surprised one child wants nothing more to do with him, and he is becoming more and more like some distant acquaintance with the other child, not family anymore – never, really ever again. The children didn’t move, Dad chose to do that, Dad chose to do everything. It’s not pretty, it;s abandonment. I don’t care if plenty of other deadbeat Dad’s have done it before, it’s still shit, it’s still child abuse. Try making that as pretty as you like so you and he can still be ‘good people’ in your head, I can guarantee, you wouldn’t want this to happen to your children or anyone you honestly loved.” Read that a few times.

      That’s some weight to carry. I don’t understand why anyone would want to even think about entering a relationship with a married or committed person because weight like this seems so dark and unbearable. These kids have been questioning why their Dad stopped loving his family for a few years now. It will effect them for life.

      And this ow has the nerve to write to CL/CN about herself while using these kids as part of her sob story.

  • Question, do we all believe that his wife really took him for everything because he felt guilty and now Rosie has to support him completely? Does anyone except for me believe that he probably has money stashed away somewhere to spend on himself or to rent hotels rooms to spend time with his other girlfriends?

    • Absolutely. I also suspect that once his divorce is final, he’ll dump Rozie as well… he’s never going to marry her, or bring her out of the OW closet to display as his “soul mate.”

    • I think that he’s either lying about money (see Green7000 above) or he’s really broke and needs to live with Schmoopie. Lots of us Chumps have had cheaters who’ve spent thousands on their affairs. My STBX is living hand to mouth, yet makes nearly twice what I do. If I made what he does, I could support a Stay at Home Spouse.

      He can’t afford to hire a lawyer, he’s so broke. At the same time, he’s taking Schmoopie for romantic getaways at the Best Western nearest town. 😛

  • I thought this was some sort of parody when I started to read it – perhaps an attempt to mock this blog somehow and the people who come here (the chumps). Then I realized it was not an attempt at humor, and I started to think this was like a beach ball sized, slow pitch being served up for CL to blast out of the park.

    Then it struck me. These OW and OM almost inevitably become chumps themselves, and complete the circle of life. I have no sympathy for any of them; they are predators themselves, predator wannabes, or like the remora that latch onto sharks. However, it made me think. How many of these cheaters and OM/OW actually find any real happiness? They are either devoured by the cheater as just another scrap with their bones tossed aside when the cheater is finished with them, or they end up tearing each other apart. The only likely survivor of the sordid tale is usually the truly souless cheater. The sociopath is the king of this fubar jungle they live in.

    • Right — HaKuna Matata! (sp?)

      I tried to get my ex to stretch his time horizon out a bit and give me just ONE example of these adulterous pairings having a happy ending. He even has close friends from professional college that are two and three marriages ahead of him. (and two or three divorces too) He couldn’t do it. Well, now he fits right in with the crowd he runs with, which is, I suppose, part of his problem too. The kids and I were too boring, and that was made out to be my fault.

      Big swinging, chest thumping, dick of the jungle. You got that right, Chumpguy.

    • Wow Chump Guy….You nailed it with your reply…… “Then it struck me. These OW and OM almost inevitably become chumps themselves, and complete the circle of life. I have no sympathy for any of them; they are predators themselves, predator wannabes, or like the remora that latch onto sharks. However, it made me think. How many of these cheaters and OM/OW actually find any real happiness? They are either devoured by the cheater as just another scrap with their bones tossed aside when the cheater is finished with them, or they end up tearing each other apart. The only likely survivor of the sordid tale is usually the truly souless cheater. The sociopath is the king of this fubar jungle they live in.”

      Of course they all become chumps. What else would anyone expect? Any my XH is the sociopathic king of the fubar jungle. He is the ONLY one who has never suffered. I’ve never seen him cry a tear over hurting people. He told me I was his second wife when we married, come to find out I was his fifth and he cheated on every single one of us. He goes from woman to woman to woman. And nothing bad ever happens to him. Just us. He is the souless cheater.

      • Hi nothing to add really just mind blogging on their warped thinking. However the OW in my case was a chump who from what I understand was heartbroken and distraught when her ex did it to her. He left her, and their 2 children for OW (apparently her ex is now up to OW4 since OW1), yet not that devastated to do this to another women and her children. She too says they are soul-mates …… arghh cannot stand this term. Obviously by saying this she thinks it legitimises their relationship.

        However I am now almost 2 yrs out. Life is a lot better. She and STBX are still together, however they fight all the time, and now his family cannot stand her. They have now reached out to me. They miss me…..oh boy. In the beginning they embraced her like she was the wife, even though I had supported them for 25 years. As I said to friends and family, if they had liked her they would not have bothered. I am polite but I sleep with one eye open in regards to this family. It’s really like being in a bad reality show, but you can’t turn the telly off because you have unfortunately been made a part of the show. I do however use the Pause button quite abit.

        • “In the beginning they embraced her like she was the wife, even though I had supported them for 25 years.”

          in a nut shell, their actions speaks in volumes, now they reach out to you and don’t like the OW? well I guess she wasn’t willing to support them like you did, soooo they are back to you..

  • CL- I just about fell off my chair reading this post today. I read this post 4X already, because I can’t believe there are that many FOOLS out there that think they are special “soul mates”
    My Ex had a 3 year affair (among many other in our 25 year’s of marriage) after discovery of this affair, I kicked him out on Christmas and asked to him clean up his mess and file for divorce….One of my teenage kids doesn’t speak with him (he demonstrate what a true man of integrity and character looks like) and my daughter just occasionally texts him only regarding college. He would NOT DARE introduce this OW to ANYONE we know, even his family. He purchased a home just two miles away from me and his parents (they live a mile away) but of course his mom told him, she will NEVER enter his home or have him bring anyone to hers. I filed for divorce, just had it sent certified mail to his home that he purchased in August (House warming gift!!!) The divorce was finalized last week after 30 days from him picking up from post office. Yes, I am mighty and proud of myself 🙂 OW can keep him with all his pathetic lies and use of pornography. To ROZIE you are NOT special, you are a home wrecker and an accomplice in hurting three lives..If he had such an awful marriage he would have left with at least some dignity.
    It will be a Happy Thanksgiving for me and my kids and his family gathered around my dinner table and him and his OW are NOT invited!!!

  • Just a follow-up thought…How do you “know” him and his wife talk every week? They have teenage kids and one doesn’t talk to him, why would the ex-wife speak with him and they be amicable? Are you sure it’s not more cake supply??? Did you ever exchange notes with ex-wife???

  • The OW in my case is stupid but not clueless. She knew exactly what she was doing. Been married 3 times (back to her maiden name now) and actually reached out to my STBXH for a job opening. She was his supervisor. I suspected she had a plan all along. They had worked together before. I found that out recently too as part of the lovely and continous DDay experience. She has NO remorse like silly little Rozie here. No she met me and our son and didn’t have a care in the world about that apparently. Guess my STBXH is her “soulmate” too and come hell or high water she will have her schmoopie. No sympathy here you little wench.

  • Rozie fell for the same crap every OW falls for….my wife is a fat harpie, she won’t give me sex, I’ve been so miserable (blah, blah, blah). They lie — they’ll say anything to get some cake, which resides in your pants.

    He didn’t want a divorce because the kids would be too devastated? Bull shit….as long as he stays married he’s not available to marry you!

    Doesn’t introduce you to anybody he knows because he’s so ashamed? Bull shit…appearing to be in a relationship with someone cramps his dating style.

    Don’t take it personally though, he treated his wife and kids like shit too.

  • Thanks for publishing this. It gives insight into what it’s like to be the OW.

    I’ve got nothing original to add regarding the content. I’m kind of speechless, actually.

  • Rozieglasses,

    LMAO (laughing my ass off)

    Just watch honey. As soon as his divorce is final you are going to get dropped on your head as he seeks out a new girlfriend behind your back. “Why?” You wonder. I’ll tell you why so listen carefully. Your situation is about to change from being an exciting affair to a boring relationship. Sure he’ll hang onto you for as long as he can so you can support him but also so you can supply his narcissistic needs. This person does not love ANYONE but himself and real relationship sex is boring. He prefers affair sex when is why he kept his poor wife on a limbo for so long. I promise he will repeat this pattern with you and I am NOT sorry to say it serves you right. Shave on you for spreading your legs for another woman’s man. That says a lot of your character. You knew he was married and you consciously made the decision to let him put his dick in you while his poor wife and kids sat alone at home wondering where he was. You are what we call a HOME WRECKER for a good reason. Think about that and consider if that is what you want to be known as. If not start taking steps right now to get on the right path. Don’t give me your crap about being in love and “soul mates” that is just bullshit you made up to justify your behavior as you know it was inappropriate. If you were really in love with each other you could had waited until he was divorced., but where is the fun in that, right?

  • Another clueless, delusional bimbo whose head is so far up her boyfriend/cheater’s asshole that she believes she can see his soul. Guess what, dumbass? You’re as close as you’ll ever get.

    I have no sympathy for anyone who contributes to the destruction of a marriage and family. I hope she chokes on the smell of death up in here.

    Fuck you, Rozieglasses, and all the other other women/men who think asking Chump Lady for cheater advice is smart. Seriously?!

    • “Another clueless, delusional bimbo whose head is so far up her boyfriend/cheater’s asshole that she believes she can see his soul”

      H A HA H A HA HA HAAAAAA. I am choking on my laughing….You have made my year with that comment.

      Thank you C&L, thank you, thank you!!!!

  • “I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written to her benefit and he has turned everything over to her, (guilt I suppose). Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.”

    Seen the paperwork?

  • I think Rozie is MM’s soulmate and a real “keeper”. She trusts him, beyond ALL LOGIC, lol.
    She believes he wasn’t screwing his wife. She doesn’t realize he has a fuckbuddy in the home state. I’d bet it’s the ex. And she pays the bills. Most likely does all the work. She is Perfection. In the Cheater World, at least.

  • “OW such as yourself write to me with their relationship troubles”

    Yeah, this must suck. Homewrecking fuckers.

    My ex has recently found herself as the OW to the wife of the guy she cheated on me with.

    This apparently means it’s OK for her to try and siphon some sneaky pity from me.

    These dumb shits just don’t quit. If it weren’t for my daughter I would never speak to her again.

  • There is no way this woman girl is for real. No one is that stupid. Seriously. I can’t even give my own two cents because her letter is so stupid.

  • Gee, I wonder why it was a ‘post and run’ done by this clueless bimbo. /sarcasm
    Did you really expect any favours, sympathy, ego kibbles or otherwise from us, RozieMoron?
    Then again, can’t expect much from someone with a room temperature IQ – the likes of whom post OW-angst on a fucking chumps site.
    You sound like a whiny spoiled brat child who didn’t get the lollipop they wanted. Grow up.

  • Okay, it’s simple, he never filed for divorce because he was working on making his wife believe they were still in a marriage. Once she woke up and realized what he was doing, she filed. She woke up from her chump fogged status and made a move. Good for her.
    As for you, if you stay with this man long enough you will be on the same end of the deal as the wife.
    Everything you need to know is in CL’s post http://chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/
    Get a life and get rid of the loser.

  • Rozieglasses, if you’ve read the site, you know that CL tells people to look at actions not words.

    1. Your boyfriend wanted to stay married to his wife. He didn’t leave her, he didn’t tell her about you, he went to counseling when she found out, he still didn’t leave until she kicked him out, and he didn’t file for divorce.

    2. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you. He didn’t tell you his wife was divorcing him. He must have known this was happening; lawyers contact you about these things. The only reason not to tell you is because he didn’t want you to marry you. He keeps you a secret from everyone important to him, his children, family, friends, old neighbors, etc. If you were important to him, he would at least introduce you to mutual friends as his girlfriend.

    3. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. He didn’t live with you until he got kicked out of his house. He lies to you. He keeps you a secret from people. He’s living off you. This is way beyond being considerate of his ex-wife and children or his mom.

    4. He’s a selfish jerk. You’re probably wondering why he told you he loves you, etc. if he didn’t want a divorce. He wanted to have it all – a wife who loved him at home and took care of his family and someone young and naive enough to listen to him and give him extra sex for fun.

    Is he with you because he got stuck? OF COURSE!!!! Look at the facts – he didn’t leave, he got kicked out. He didn’t divorce his wife, she dumped him.

    You’ve been used.

    As others have the site have pointed out, you’ve also hurt other people. What you did was wrong. For the sake of your soul, you need to do something about that – get some therapy and talk to someone about how to make amends. Leave this guy and try to become a better person. Next time find a guy of your own, no exceptions.

  • HEY ROZIE YOU OUT THERE???. Did you even bother to read what CL had to say in response to your well thought out question? Have you bothered to read the advice from comments on this blog? Or are you just another typical OW who runs and hides once she’s called out?

    I too love when OW/OM post. It validates my knowledge that these people are driven by fantasy and entitlement. They literally have no clue. Do people like “Rozie” really buy into that whole story she told? I’m scratching my head! For craps sake there are comedies made about people who buy into this soulmate drivel.

    Does anyone else find it curious that Rozie goes to all the trouble to send an email to CL and then doesn’t even have the balls to respond? Oh well maybe it’s best that they do crawl back under the cabinets like good little cockroaches!!!

  • Tryinghard- I agree!!!. and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines. You’ve heard them, but do you comprehend them?

    Sadly, people like Rozie live in denial and are not ashamed of their actions. They don’t realize that Cheaters are Manipulative liars with NPD(Narcissistic Personality Disorders) and they will say anything just to their benefit.
    Rozie, I am sure you heard the saying “blood is thicker than water”, if you are saying the family is aligned with wife and his own Teenage Children don’t care to have a relation with him, speaks VOLUMES OF HIS CHARACTER. Also, he mostly likely did not leave anything to his wife out of “Guilt”, she was the one probably building the home and family, while he was saving money behind her back and spending on your leisure and just giving you BS about not having anything, and now you fund him. You only know the lies he feeds you.

    Kudos to his wife, she has not “stepped back to allow our relationship to grow”, she stepped back because she was hurt by a liar and cheater and no longer wanted to have anything to do with such Selfish Bastards. His wife clearly is strong and has decency and class.

    Remember :Awesome people do not focus on themselves they focus on others and family.

  • I think you are asking the wrong question really. People have varying capacities for loving others and based on his treatment of his wife and children this man is rather limited in his ability to love. He might actually love you as much as he loves anyone but that’s probably not worth much and is likely to be temporary anyway. I’m sure he ‘loved’ his wife, but that didn’t stop him inflicting terrible pain on her and his own children. I would rather ask ‘What is this man’s character?’ So far it seems that he has betrayed his wife, abandoned his children, disappointed his family, run away to another state in a cowardly fashion and now is living off his girlfriend. He’s pretty gutless. He doesn’t sound like a great catch if you ask me. A weak character who not even his family respects and who has made a horrible mess of his life. I’d rather be single than saddled with someone like that, let alone have to financially support him. The other thing is, you don’t really love him. Loving someone means putting their well-being first. Your influence on this man’s life has been only to harm him. I’mnot even going to get into the complete atrocity of what you have done to his wife and children.

  • To Rozie, thank you! I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time. Your delusions confirmed my sanity. And your immaturity made me understand how much I have grown. You will read all of these comments and still think that your relationship is special. It is not. You are with a man who will bleed you dry, physically, emotionally and financially and then he will walk away. Hasn’t he already proved that?

    He has already shown you the type of man he is with his actions. You are just putting your blinders on and choosing not to see what is standing in front of you. Do you really think that you can fix this man? Doesn’t your family or you friends offer you any advice about what a loser he is? Can you not hear them? Do you really believe you are that special? Your love is that strong? Seriously woman, wake the fuck up!

    Well, maybe you are waking up. Maybe that is why you came to this page. Perhaps you are starting to see that you have more in common with us other Chumps then you would like. Yes, silly woman, someday you will be an active member of Chump Nation because he is USING YOU. And you will come here for support from all of the other used folks. We all make choices in life and you have made some very poor ones. Time to take the blinders off and look in the mirror. You are an accomplice to the destruction of a woman and her children and you can’t cover that up with makeup. Someday that will be you….

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