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Talk Cake to Me

cakeYesterday’s post “I Always Come Back to You” engendered quite a few stories of cake-eating. Which made me realize we have an entire sub-category of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say — Cake Talk!

“After we divorce, we could always date, you know.”

“He’s like my best-friend, but you’re my husband!”

“You’re the one I really love.”

So tell me, chumps — what is the cake-iest thing a cheater ever said to you?

At the risk of having many predictable cheaters (“We can still be friends, right?”), I’m guessing some of you guys can out-freak the rest of us.

So lay it on me — Stupidest Cake Speak ever.

The winner gets a signed copy of my book and I’ll draw a cartoon cupcake in your honor.

Lay it on me!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • Since I left his ass (pregnant with a 3 & 2 year old) and have since met a wonderful chump…he says I should thank him for being a cheater since I’m with someone so wonderful. Ya, or you could have not asked me to marry you since you were cheating the whole time!!!

        • Tallula, my ex also cheated and left when I was pregnant with a 3 and 1 year old. It’s scary we are not the only ones because once they find out more stories alike, they want to think is normal…as in “see? everyone does it” and “it worked out for the best”…

          • Morons! I left him, though. which he loves to point out. Uh, Ya dude, you were banging anything that moved our entire marriage it turns out! Why would I stay will you? Work out your FOO issues with your girlfriend, who has already caught him cheating. But, he gaslight her. Not so funny being on the other side, is it dear. Hahahaha!!!!

    • What? You’re not going to my family reunion vacation in the mountains? But OW and I will get another room and you can share with the kids

    • OMG I got that too! When he “broke up” with the OW when he decided to “give me another chance” he told me he “Thanked her for saving our marriage!”

    • I got a statement similar to this. Mine said that he started with the long term one because she looked like me and he was longing for us to have a closer sexual relationship. Either it was a bold faced lie (<this one) or he needs new glasses because she looked nothing like me on FB. And, if he wanted a closer sexual relationship with me, then why did he put his energy into her and ignore me sexually?? Liar!

  • You and the girls will always be my “family” …..but I need you to help facilitate the relationship between the girls and her because, after all, they need to understand she’s really a great person and very likable. After all – I like her!

  • A few months after separation, we were arguing about him still being “friends” with his affair partners, and how that obviously derailed any attempt at him convincing me he cared about stopping his affairs. Ex is a musician and tried to convince me he wasn’t trying to be friends with the harem. Conversation went:

    Me: you invited them to your shows and then tired to make me feel guilty for not going! That’s appalling. Of course I wasn’t going to go!
    Him: I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty! I still put you on the guest list every show. But that’s just me, missing you.
    Me: yeah, I’ll just go and sit next to (insert list of several AP’s here). That would be AWESOME.
    Him: yeah, but guess who’d be ignored and who’d get all my attention?
    Me: I DON’T CARE.

    • Well, lucky lucky you! He gets a bunch of women adoring him while he basks in their glory from the stage and you get to sit there whilst they stare daggers into you. Fun times!

    • This reminds me of a stunt my husband pulled with an EA (maybe a PA?!) partner. He regularly meets with a group of friends for lunch. He’d been doing this for about 6 months, and eventually invited me to join them. (It was a bit of a hike from my place of work, so it makes sense that I wouldn’t be able to attend regularly.) So, I come to the restaurant, say “Hi'” the people I know, introduce myself to those I don’t, etc. Somehow everything feels very, very tense. I had no idea what was going on. Well, it turns out DH’s EA was sitting next to him. She was none too happy to see me there crashing her party. I later read in their chat sessions that she had “dressed up real cute especially for him”. **Blech** I tried being friendly with her, but she wouldn’t make eye contact with me. My husband, of course, was 100% into the PDA with me that day, pulling me closer to him, kissing me, making innapropriate suggestive jokes… Now I know he wants the attention. He wanted her to feel uncomfortable, to triangulate, to get us to fight over him. What a complete cake-fest. He’s also into harem anime, so I guess it was just an extension of one of his fantasies.

    • Singed, I feel for yo. My exh was the singer in a local “metal” band. His affair with the final OW started when i stopped going to the shows…as I got tired of watching him sign groupies’ boobs and not wear his wedding band on stage. And of course, everybody covered for him because a) he is just that cool and b) several of them were underage and they didn’t want him to get in trouble.

      • Yes! My ex NEVER wore his ring (it just got in the way). And he couldn’t possibly put any pictures of us together on social media because, you know, he’s got an image to uphold “for the fans.”

        • Yep, the “fans”. He told final OW that he only had “married” on his myspace page to keep the fatties and uglies away. *eye roll* Not that it did keep them away. The amount of 16-40yr olds throwing themselves at him was simply staggering…not to mention disgusting.

          And yes, always for his image. Because that’s all that has ever truly mattered to him.

      • Ugh! The worst. The friends covering…I was actually told by one that its just that he misses me so much when he goes out and I stay home with the kids. He’s just such a great guy!

    • Mine said “I’ve made you a better person” by serial cheating and treating me like dirt. And “you will thank me one day when You realize it.” Ha! He truly believes he has made me emotionally stronger and wiser and therefore a better candidate for my next relationship.

      How’s that for Narc ego! He has done good, taught me a needed life lesson.

  • ‘ i dont know what the future holds for me and her, i dont know if its love, but you understand me and what I need’

      • I am shaking my head at the passive, third person, I Am Not Responsible language. They are all the same. Cheaters are one person.

        • I’ve been wondering if this is a new thing in human history – the mind-boggling brazenness of these kinds of statements which reflect narcissistic thinking out of the control. I’m in my late 50s and I just don’t remember this being part of the zeitgeist of the 70s when I was a young adult. My parents would NEVER have understood this kind of thinking. I’m hoping there’s a sociologist among Chump Nation who can explained what the hell happened to our society and why.

          • Its really quite easy. The age of entitlement where they made it so even raising your voice to a child is considered ‘child abuse’ and the nambly-pampbly do-gooders who think they know whats best for others children and tell them how to think, not to be an inquisitive mind of their own.
            I’m not a sociologist, btw.

        • “Cheaters are one person.” Excellent description, Goodmazel
          Sorta like the Borg, uh…… (from ‘Star Trek’)

          ForgeOn, all ya all….

    • TheClip, this reminded me of my ex saying “it’s not like I planned to marry her!” Just to marry her the weekend after our divorce…And also, “I just want to date her like you and I did…”…I don’t know how he accomplished that because he was only single a few days between marriages…and has tried to compartmentalized the relationships where “no one knows” he was cheating…

      • Oh yea, a dick! The XBF said…..see! thats why these things never work out (me & him after I found out), you just won’t quit! You’re a scorned woman! And folks, I raised my voice like 2x in the 2 years of agony because I thought that keeping calm I would get more answers. NOPE! Wish I would have gone crazy, cause now bc I didn’t get that out of me, I am going crazy now and HATE HATE HATE the POS! If he croaked tomorrow, not a tear would be shed on my end. Very sad of me to say, but its how I feel.

        • IHaveHate..if you’d raised your voice, he would have justified his affair because you were mean and aggressive to him (trust me–I heard that. I called him out on his BS all the time, and then he said he was attracted to his whore because she was “so sweet and not aggressive”). There is NOTHING you can do to win with a narcissistic cheater. Nothing. They are contrary and like the power imbalance created by wrong-footing you.

          And post D-Day, he turned his sins on me (just as yours did)–the problem was that I could never get over it and would always be hurt and angry and broken and jealous. He “just wants my old [Tempest] back.” ‘Cuz apparently I was supposed to bounce back within a few weeks and welcome his narcissistic, selfish ass back into my heart.

          He is doing his faux-remorse, love-bombing now, 2 days after I filed for divorce. I’m playing along this week, and counting down the days until he shows himself again so I can angrily demand he sign the divorce papers. My bet? It will happen as soon as he thinks he has the upper hand and relaxes his self-control. Because that is what they do, and no amount of reason or attempts to make them be empathetic will change that.

          At least you saw your XBF’s true nature before you married him and had kids. Disentangling one’s self from that is messy.

          Stay strong, IHH!!

  • “If it doesn’t work out with her, I can totally see us getting back together again!” (said within an hour of me finding out about his cheating with her, ON D-Day).

    “She’s actually your best friend. She told me I should tell you about us.”

    “No one knows what the future holds, Margaret.”

    “Just look at your ex-Father in Law and his wife, THEY got back together again after many years!” (and he didn’t cheat on her, they got divorced, went their sep ways for many years).

    “If you get therapy and get stronger, Margaret, then we have a chance of getting back together again.”

    And the best one of all: “If you play your cards right, Margaret, you just might get a second chance!” (with tears streaming down his cheeks as he showed me how sad he was for me that I was going to be deprived of his Most Excellent Self, the lying cheating douchebag.

    Thanks for this topic, CL. I needed this today as it’s a miserable day outside, cold rain, and annoying day at the office, and my legal quest to get Cheater off the deed to our house has languished for a year and a half costing me thousands in legal fees with no action, now on the second lawyer; sometimes I still get so down that this has happened… this site keeps me sane! I just have to remember the insanity and NPD and I feel better knowing it can only get better.

    • Did he sign a settlement? are you divorced? If he signed and won’t do the rest of it your lawyer should be filing contempt of court charges, that will move his ass. WTF is going on you can’t get him off your deed? Jedi Hugs!!! these bastards make every step difficult.

      • This shows the difference between a narcissist and a normal person with problems. My XH (drinker, not a cheater) signed over the house–which he really loved–because he chose the cash out instead. We split in 50/50 in terms of equity. Neither of us got exactly what we wanted, as I know have 2 acres to keep up and he doesn’t have his house. But I have my gardens and he has a low mortgage. I did all the legwork and had an attorney prepared the property transfer. Whole deal with filing fee–$250. On the other hand, Muse Margaret has thousands in legal fees because–narcissist.

      • Narc and I were not married, but owned (and still own) house together for 16 years. On the very night of DDay he was telling me I should go find an apt (and he’d “help” me move)… so OW could move in here. I refused and he tried to make me take valium Rx’d for my ear problems. I refused that too. Heartbroken, I offered to give him 50% to try to short circuit my shock and pain. He accused me of “snookering” him out of his share that he thought was more than 1/2. I hired atty and forensic accountants last Fall (DDay was 7/29/2013), who after viewing my $$ records said parasite OWED me money. I paid 90% of the mtg pmts, 100% of the food, all of his cell phone, on and on it goes till I want to puke thinking how I supported this PARASITE.

        Because we were not married, it’s legally harder than a divorce in many ways (and I’m a lawyer! but not a family lawyer). I could file what’s called a partition action and ask a Court to just divide it all up but then my house would be sold as in a foreclosure and I would have to move, which I don’t care to do at almost 60 yrs, old, have lived here 12 years and only 3 yrs left on the mortgage. Fuckhead hired an attorney as well in July 2014, and they have demanded 80% of the entire equity in the house. I had to switch lawyers because the first one was taking too long. Then the accountant got sick with cancer, I feel petty whining about how long it’s taking but on the other hand my emotional state is so much better now that I am not afraid of Court or even a tough negotiation. Last July I was sitting at my kitchen table with my checkbook in hand, about to write him a $10,000 check because I felt sorry for him!! So glad he revealed himself by calling ME a cheater, because that is what made me stop.

        My new attorney just finished her rebuttal and I’m reviewing it this weekend. Things are going to start happening soon. I realize I may have to pay this Parasite something just to get rid of him but I am adamant that the opening salvo has to be a hammer rather than a carrot. We expose his lies, infidelity, serial cheating, porn addiction, pedophilic fantasies, and years of verbal and sexual abuse because this pattern of domination, control, abuse, and exploitation of my trust and generous Chumpy nature is what enabled his financial exploitation. My lawyer is on board with this strategy.

        I can’t say enough about how reading all of your stories and Chump Lady’s wise and realistic advice has helped me over the past year!!!!!!!!!! I have come a long way since my post last year asking about my Ex’s deviant sexual practices. Some may recall that I found a photo of a young girl on his PC that he refused to explain to me, and that he fantasized this shit with me for years on the receiving end. I haven’t given up on reporting him for my suspicions of that, either, I am just waiting for the deed to my house to be settled before I do that. I met with some private investigators who are ex FBI profilers a couple of months ago, and told them everything and they agreed he fits the profile of a pedophile. They told me they would put me in contact with the correct people in law enforcement, though they haven’t actually done that yet (!! no one seems to take me seriously !!)… when the deed to my house is settled I am going to the District Attorney’s office.

        ~ healing ~ Margaret M

        • Trust me, it’s really worse if you are married because the asshole lays claim to half of everything, including your retirement. However, my BFF just went through this with her 20+ year unmarried spouse and it really is a bitch if the stbx is on the deed. BFF ended up giving her ex half the equity and now regrets it – I warned her it was not worth it but she was adamant she just wanted the shit over. Glad you are fighting it, I did the same – and even tho it cost me in lawyers fees it was still less than he would get if I just handed over half AND I would rather give the money to a lawyer than to my ex. Jedi Hugs Margaret!

          • Thank you Dat. I know you are right about the married thing. I have friends who are stuck paying alimony to their lazy cheating husbands.

    • You know Margaret, we (betrayed) never do the “pick me dance” as good as the OW/OM…he told me “it’s not as she is smarter but she has no trouble changing what I tell her…”. Of course, I am an unfixable sore loser to him…cause I don’t dance pretty for him…

  • During marriage counseling:
    Him: if she won’t guarantee that we will
    Stay married then I cannot give up my friend, she’s my security blanket.
    Therapist: the only guarantee I can give you is that if you don’t get rid of her…then your wife won’t even try to work on it.
    Him: I want a divorce.

    WtH is a security blanket? Is he Linus from Peanuts???

        • Bubbles the jellyfish – same exchange, except mine insisted on reconciliation. I wanted the divorce. In the end it all seems to be about him wanting all kinds of things but my requests remain “unreasonable”. He still sucks, but most of his reputation is still intact, which seems to appeal to him. On the other hand, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. And Gravity is a stern taskmaster……
          I don’t check in here much anymore – as we are “reconciling” it seems to stir me up more than I can help. This is a righteous site-and I am glad it’s here.

    • My ex said the same thing about the OM being her security blanket. Made me sick to my stomach. I haven’t seen a child with a security blanket in decades. I also was told “He’s longer but you’re thicker. I like thick”.

        • My wife said something similar last may. She said “He was good at oral sex but he had to be because he is so small. You are so much bigger than he is Fred he also didn’t give those great massages hat you give.” That is exactly what she said. Huh. soooo what wast he point?

          • Fred–as if she’s deciding between the Chicken Nuggets with fries or the Cheeseburger with Onion rings. (Though I’m sure you’re closer to filet mignon!)

        • I am doubled over with laughter at that ‘rotating buffet of penis’ comment, absolute cracker of a line Chump Lady! Thank God we can all look back at these crazy people and laugh at their lunacy! I actually feel significantly dumber when I read some of the quotes these cheaters have said! Why can’t all the guy chumps meet all the lady chumps and live happily ever after in a cheater-free world?!

          • Kristen……been sayin’ that! (Why can’t all the guy chumps meet all the lady chumps and live happily ever after in a cheater-free world?!). I am also either literally laughing out loud or my jaw is dropping open! Not even to the end yet! I’m just typing as I read!

            • Fred will do well on our Chump dating sight – cause we now know he’s hung like a bull 😉
              Tongue in cheek – but it’s funny that your spouse’s AP had a small winkie lol

        • Yes, rotating buffet of penises is next to the pudding bar and past the salad fixings. There is also the smorgasbord of pussy. (All you can eat.) Okay… now I’m not being PG-13…

          • These comments make me grateful.
            I once suggested to my STBX that he try being a little more forceful in bed nothing too extreme. He later complained that my suggestion implied to him that he was not enough for me and I had hurt his feelings. Fast forward a few months and he confesses to being with multiple partners during or marriage but he cannot understand why I am upset at this information.
            My kingdom for a real man.

  • Golly, Miss Twizzler, your POS ex almost got this right. What he meant was, “It’s about making ME feel important!”

  • Her: “if anyone can get past it and save our marriage, its you. AP and I talked about it and I want to give our marriage another try.”

    Un-f***ing believable.

    • Oh, you got the OM’s blessing? Well okay then!

      Of course he wants her to “save the marriage” — keeps her in the side dish fuck compartment and not wanting more commitment from him.

      Yes, unfuckingbelievable.

      • This is a winner. Scott should feel so much better now that it was determined by the people fucking him over that Scott can take care of this and make it all better. A shit pie in the face for that gem. Too much. A basic denial of others’ humanity. What a wacko.

    • Similar to Scott, I found out via some not so above board research that they “decided to do the ‘right’ thing!!!” Meaning, stay with their respective spouses. Because my cheater told her and me” I would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt my kids.”

      Some things here: I lost because I was the Plan B, and since when does disrespecting the mother of your children, stealing $ from your kids, ignoring your children emotionally for years not harm them?

    • Missed, I got that exact line too. Then it morphed into “I didn’t tell you because I’m a coward.” and “I didn’t tell you because I’m afraid of you.” and “I didn’t tell you because you would give me a raft of shit like you’re giving me now.”

      • OMG, Margaret. The phrase ‘a raft of shit’ is something I have only ever heard my STBX use. If your cheater also says ‘at this point in stage’, we might be married to the same guy! lol

        • How is it they can do what they want, be assholes. But if we hold them to account we are picking on them.

          Harden up assholes.

      • “I didn’t tell you because I’m afraid of you. Congratulations for making me fear you”…see where he was going with that? Nice. What a winner.

    • I got that, too. Plus the “I kept the sexual harassment case about my affair secret so it wouldn’t hurt you. I’m so relieved I can talk to you about it now.”

        • Red–I know from reading your posts that we were both cheated on by university hubbies who liked to boink graduate students, so I already feel a special connection to you.

          Mine told me that there was a sexual harassment case, but only that it involved a misogynistic comment he had made in a class. Imagine how shocked I was when I found his notes to himself on how to deal with the sexual harassment officer that included (a) confirmation of an affair with a graduate student whore, and (b) notes about going out for drinks 2 years later with an undergrad who asked him to leave his wife to date her [he declined–wasn’t I lucky!! I suppose I didn’t have to do the ‘pick me’ dance.]

          Part of me wishes the grad student HAD been being supervised by him so that they could have sanctioned his ass, but it also means he keeps his bigger salary = more child support for me.

          The proportion of narcissists among academics has to be astronomically high.

  • “Just don’t sleep with anybody when we’re separated/divorced, and maybe in 2 or 3 years we might get back together”.

    Then, when I laughed out loud at the absurdity of that request, “well at least don’t sleep with anybody in the bed we shared.” I guess that’s common courtesy in his twisted mind. Guess what. I kept the bed we shared just so I could have sex all over it. Darn. Guess we won’t be getting back together.

  • And again. After he left me in a foreclosing home, being a SAHM with no job and 4 children, he told me I was “being prideful and need to let that go” because I wouldn’t consent to him helping me getting an apartment, but it would be in the OW’s name, since she has good credit. W.T.F.

      • Yep. As my cheater regularly says ” I am not appreciative enough of all that he does”. Dear God…make him stop helping me!!!

        • The fatal male conceit is conflating flattery and being sucked up to with “respect” and blow jobs with “appreciation”.

          • Yep. The only MC we went to said to X flat out, “you have a huge ego that needs to be stroked constantly”. X completely ignored him and just kept talking. Typical.

        • ….alright. Coffee came out of my nose on that one….”make him stop helping me”……ow, stomach hurts from hysterical laughter. THANK YOU.

  • “I can’t stand the thought of being without you but I just need to get her out of my system!” HA! Yeah…..something like that asshole!

    • That reminds me of the movie, HITCH. The jerk that Hitch turns down because all he wants to do is use the woman for sex. Sounds like your ex doesn’t know what love is. That line tells us all.

  • The more I hear/discover about my STBX and cheaters (and APs) in general, the more I not only trust that they suck, but truly believe that they are crazy. It’s beyond entitlement. It is straight up insanity.

  • After he told me that he “was in love with her” I kept insisting that he needed to leave the home, or he needed to never talk to her again. His response was always “I will do that, when I’m ready to do that, it needs to come from me” I went through this hell – for 1 YEAR!!!! Then he has the gull to tell me, he left because we were fighting all the time – Yeah, really? and what could that reason be?

    Then comes the best part – after he left, within a couple of months, I’d get texts like – “I miss you, can you please meet me at my place?” I told him, while he was still seeing her – I would not. soon after that – OW texted me – I sent her a picture of his texts – Boy was she pissed at him. “well obviously he’s telling you something and me something else” really, you don’t say!!!

    He then blamed me – for their relationship ending – because I had sent her those texts.

    I still fell for his shit – a couple other times with his promises of “I’ll do whatever it takes, to have you in my life again” – yeah that never happened.

    • Wow.

      Flip the genders, and you have me and my ex-wife.

      ‘Highlight’ during the 1-year of hell was probably her prostrate and weeping on my parents driveway because she just wanted the marriage to WORK SO MUCH!!!

      Four year affair, discovered when my daughter was 15 months old (yeah…make that math work…)

      Affair partner didn’t want her any more after my discovery (my immediate notification of HIS wife may have had something to do with it….)

  • He told MC: “I’m willing to go back to my family, as long as they know I still have ______(OW)”

    email to me, trying to get me to go back to counseling with him: “I still love her and I still love you. (Counseling might help you understand those are not mutually exclusive.)”

    • Oh yeah. Very similar! I got things like “I love you both, why do I have to choose?” And he told me, and our marriage counsellor “Mormons make it work, why can’t we?”

    • Ick. I also got the whole “I love you both – I’m divided and very confused. You’re both completely different and I don’t want to live without either of you.” I think he seriously thought he was complimenting somehow, so delusional! It of course only made me nauseated and disgusted.

  • My ex-Narc used to say things during reconciliation like:

    “We could be much better friends without this marriage getting in the way”

    “No matter what happens, I’d still want us to have dinner every week”

    This used to make me feel special or that he couldn’t really walk away from the relationship and any moment now he was going to figure out how to play fair and invest in a “win-win” relationship.

    CL and CN helped me see that it was never about me or about fair – it was about cake. He left because he wasn’t getting enough cake. He stayed on the horizon waiting for me to put on those “pick me dancing shoes” and start churning out the cake.

    Thankfully, I got my head on straight(er) and laugh (and wince) at this now.

    Strict NC has helped, too.

  • My stbxh “I was just having fun”, ” at least I never slept overnight outside the house with her”, ” I never spent any money on her “, ” only God can judge me”, my favorite ” don’t point the finger at me cus you have three pointed back at you”,
    That last one like for reals I never cheated on him so I have no idea what fingers need to point at me.

    He also likes the book by paul coelho “adulterio” ..this book to chumps is so insulting, since the narrative is the cheating wife and all her selfish needs to forfill herself at all cost. Again as chumplady says Cheaters have a sense of entitlement.

  • I am not sure if this qualifies for cake speak BUT my 16-year-serial-cheating-stbx has a fancy fast car and the personalized plate he picked? LIV2GIV.
    I wonder what he is living to give? Pain? STD’s? Orgasms? Abandonment?

    *vomit*

  • “I realized that I am anhedonic and deep down I was being masochistic.” Direct quote, folks. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

  • So, he leaves me for a co-worker half my age, because “I love you, but you are not enough for me”. Now he wants to have a relationship with me because “We had a good run”! Wow. Way to trivialize, dumb ass. Divorce final soon. I am not his consolation prize. He was six months from joining me in retirement and now he gets to keep on working but at least OW is there. Too bad she is now waffling on the old fool.

  • “I came to the realization that i am very anhedonic and deep down I was ultimately being masochistic.”

    — Him trying to win me back by trying to impress me after googling a few words.

    He keeps begging me to take him back. I sent back a picture of a Get Well Soon card.

  • “When the divorce is final….I want to marry you again.”…..(gaggggg). Really? Get the fuck out of my life asshole.

      • How Are there more than one person like this?!?? Mine says stuff like that, but adds “it’s so sad that I’ll never get to sleep with you again, you know, since you don’t cheat.” I’m with a kick ass chump. Ya. So sad. What in the actual fuck.

      • Wow. X just said this to me last week! “If we didn’t have all of this between us, I’d try to get you as my girlfriend.” Poor sausage, thinks he still has a chance. smh

  • “I never had any of them in our house” … so noble
    Her: “my friend and her husband were separated for 2 year, maybe that can be us”…Me “So, you go date and I will just hang out and take care of kids…need any money for a hotel or anything since you don’t like to bring them here?” (Sarcastically)

    • Yes, we had a lot of issues in our marriage too. Cheating just illuminated all of it. I appreciate your thoughtful contributions, DM. I like thinking there are good men out there. 🙂

      • Thanks, Drew. Yeah, it is really tempting to swear off all the opposite gender after such betrayal, especially early on. But that’s not fair. Not everyone is as messed up and cruel as cheaters.

  • Oh! My iPad is going crazy. Please overlook my second response to Miss Twizzler, it’s like talking to my crapweasel, everything needs to be said twice! Let me see, my POS ex was full of verbal vomit. “ILYBINILWY.” “I married you because I thought that’s what we were supposed to do next.” Wow.”You made me give you those rings.” In seven years of dating he had indeed given me three rings, the first a “friendship” ring, then a “promise” ring, then an “engagement” ring. Looking back maybe he just thought he was paying me for sex, lol. “I never really loved you.” A truth. “You will look back and remember all those great moments we had together.” Nope. Wasted years. “I married you and then stayed because of the children.” And the Oscar goes to…! When I discovered his HIV test dated 2007 after dday 2009, he emailed me back, “No worries!” He vandalized our home which he had forced into foreclosing by not paying the mortgage (1/4 of his salary), great way to move that discarded family out, “All people do this!!!” Good people? I called the cops and made him return the light fixtures, you know, because they were attached to the house. Did he live there? Uh no. He had moved out two years previously. Talking about his Schmoopie, “She isn’t a good racquetball player.” Hmmmmm, fill in that blank! Now he tells everybody, “Best thing that ever happened to ME!” Yes, heartbreaking, but a hard lesson learned. His affair got me away from a toxic narc, and I am pretty sure those two Cheaters deserve one another. “I DESERVE to be HAPPY!” By all means… 🙂

    • Mine promised me a new ring if I would forgive him his affair. My response was along the lines of, “Do I look like I just walked off the set of ‘The Housewives of NJ’?”

      • Mine wanted to buy me a Cadillac Escalade when I was already driving the limousine of pickup trucks that still had payments to go. “I ain’t Sue Ellen and you ain’t J.R.” is what I told him.

        I can’t get over how they love to buy new stuff.

        • Mine bought me diamond earrings and great Joffrey tickets as a gift of his newly rediscovered love for me= hush gifts….please do not tell the kids gifts.

          I was so out of my mind when he did this. Really reeling from the true facts of my marriage vs. the mirage. Instead of accepting the bribes, I gave the earrings to my daughter at Christmas and gave the ballet tickets to my cousin.

  • OK, I’m going to dig deep into our old stuff….I had my first D Day over 16 years ago and my second D Day 3.5 years ago. (Same ridiculous OW both times.) We’ve been divorced one year. Yay, me!

    Him to OW: “I’m subtle.”

    Him to OW: “I will defend you to the end. I want you, you belong to me.”

    Him to me: I now trust you, and do so with her now as well.

    Him to me: “I feel you’ve been trying so much harder recently (he means the 13 YEARS between D Days.). And, I’ve not been nearly as much…I feel very crappy about it:-(”

    Him to me: “Just trying to get my head straight. Have a loving wife and a son who’s incredible. Then have a woman who called me out of my past I still have feelings for (didn’t realize that much as I’d buried them so deep) who’s getting divorced and wants me—and there’s still an attraction on my part…”

    • BoundaryGirl- I had the exact words direct from OW during a confrontation. I’ve often thought since, that my reply should have been ” Well you should have”. Because the line really shows the lack of thought for the spouse and demonstrates the entitlement.

      Of course it clashes with XH’s version which was “She kept asking me if I wanted to work things out with you” which is a variation on the OW as marriage counsellor. I guess one of them was lying-(feigning surprise).

      Like others have commented- how boringly repetitive- the inanity of the insanity

      • OW kept telling me that whatever was between her and my (ex)husband was none of my business. J u st like what happened between me and my (ex)husband was none of her business. . *face/palm*

        • We need a “Stupid Shit APs say” here. My x’s ow wanted to set boundaries of when x and I could talk or be in the same rooms of our house together before he’d moved out of our house into a studio apt. This, coming from someone who didn’t know what a boundary was! She was a real show, for sure.

        • During the same conversation, I asked what OW was going to do about/tell her partner (father of her two boys). “That’s my business” she said. So she could mess with my life but hers was off limits….I did message her partner (once divorce was underway). I felt he had a right to know how he- and his children were being treated. I think she managed to lie her way out tho… as they do.

  • We lived in my house, on DD I found out about his 16 plus years (it was going on before we got together) phony massage parlor “happy ending” addiction (I am sure much more) and demanded he pack his things and leave immedately.

    HIM: Can I rent a room from you?

    ME: Hell no!

    WTF

    HIM: I never put my pen*s in their vag*na if it makes you feel any better.

    ME: Uh, no. Keep packing.

    WTF

    HIM: I know how you feel, my XW’s attraction to other women hurt me the same as my sex addiction must hurt you.

    Tired WTF.

    Did I really have a relationship with this dickhead for 16 years. Unbelievable. I was a total fool. A complete and total fool.

    • My coworker’s husband does this. I was completely unaware of this massage parlor hustle until I moved to Southern Ca. Apparently it’s quite prevalent. So not okay. And then I remembered a few instances of my ex’s own visits to a “masseuse” at his racquet club. Then there was that funny story about his wallet getting stolen. He must have been cruising the red light district too. Damn.

      • It is EVERYWHERE in So. Cal. I actually busted stbx at one of these joints. Of course in typical cheater fashion, he swears nothing happened. Yeah right, you never had sex with me, you watch porn on your iPhone all day & you go to these places. Disgusting f’n loser!
        I swear there are 1 or 2 of these places on every block. Sad part is that there wouldn’t be so many of these places if the demand wasn’t there. And these assholes just keep going like its a sport even with the police raiding these places. I don’t know how long it is going to take before seeing these places isn’t a trigger for me

      • Yep. My first thought about his XW…that sorry SOB.

        I’m pretty adventurous in the sack. But, I couldn’t “talk” during the action or he would lose it. It all makes sense now. He was screwing an image in his head and my voice brought him back to reality.

        What a MF’ing loser.

        I know, TMI….but I think this is a really BIG red flag.

        I don’t know if I will ever be able to get a legitimate massage because of that jackass, loser, SOB. MF’r, f*ck head, passive aggressive, it’s all about me, narc.

        And, yes, those places ARE everywhere.

    • Yes. There is also a website that links these places and workers. The creepy guys rate them and share their stories. “The fappening” is the name of the website. My loser uses it like Google. Most of the id’s are linked to Craig’s List.

      Yeah. Found that out last year.

  • Here’s a few – perhaps not very original but it’s fun to share!

    “Who knows what the future holds for us…God just wants us to BOTH be happy and I am trying to find that right now.” (yea…’cause God is all about married men finding their “happy place” in an OW’s vag)

    “We can still share meals together as a family.” (yea…you can come over and eat food I bought, cooked and cleaned up after ’cause that’s all I’m good for in your eyes)

    “We’ve been invited to a party at our old neighbors house…let’s plan to go together!” (WTF??!! I’m a little busy over here picking up the pieces after having to move from our marital home, deal with two broken-hearted and confused kids who you haven’t bothered to see in several weeks, and trying figure out how to get a second job since I am getting almost no child support and you want me to go to a party with you?? Was your little snookums busy that night?)

  • “If she were a guy, you wouldn’t have a problem with our friendship!” First off, she’s NOT a guy. Second, it’s not a friendship, therefore, YES, even if she were a guy, I would have a problem with you cheating.

    Him: “She’s so peaceful to be around.”
    Me: “Because you don’t live together, have to pay bills together or have to raise children together?”
    Him: “Well, yeah.”
    Funny, once they did have to live together and pay bills together, they broke up after a few months.

    Asked about a month before divorce was final (while living with OW) “Is this what you really want?”

    Right after he moved in with OW, he offered “Since I’m getting a cell phone plan (for he and her!) I can put you and the kids on there too, we can share a family plan” and could not understand why I didn’t want that.

    Also right after he moved in with OW, offered to “set me up with a friend of his.”

  • “I always thought we’d grow old together”. Translation: “I figured you’d still be around when I couldn’t get it up anymore”.

  • During MC, when told that he had to either commit to me or leave, “But we bonded with one another (in the back of a police car after she was observed giving him a BJ in his car…in a public park-cops thought she was a hooker; they were right). MC gave me a big eye roll and said, “Funny, most people bond over things like seeing their kids born. I wasn’t aware being arrested together was a bonding experience!”

  • He said … “I felt bad after having sex with a teenage prostitute whilst wearing a condom” …. “but I didn’t feel guilty about not wearing a condom with you after I screwed her”! I call this act alone justifiable homicide but alas, he still breathes.

  • I danced pick me for weeks while he went AWOL drinking partying and the rest. I had to give him time to decide if he wanted to give us a second chance. One night when I was totally beat down and confused I asked if he really wanted to work on the marriage because his use of the family home as crash pad every few days was confusing me and the kids. I got a whole lot of abuse destroyed my whole being then

    “I’ve been pretending for the whole marriage. I need to research whether I should go on pretending or leave you.”

    Well what was left of me crumbled inside and I thought I never pretended I was always all in. My kids never pretended. We’d been cheated on in every way. Next day, I told him to move out. He looked stunned but tried to hide it. I guess he knew from experience that there was nothing I would not put up with and he was right. But in the end even I had to say to myself I have to call it a day and end the farce.

    • ChapterPhoenix, gosh it’s like aliens exist. I think my ex’s brains were vacuumed out little by little until one day that fucker said our entire marriage was a mistake. Poof! We are so much better off! You think these wingnuts will ever KNOW what they want or APPRECIATE what they have. NOPE.

    • ChapterPhoenix, you tell it (the emptiness, the cruelty, the lack of connection) exactly like it is. My IC said: Patsy, you and Mr Patsy have taught me a lot about affairs and the insult to injury after affairs, and you, Patsy, have an extremely high tolerance for insult to injury’.

      There comes a time doesn’t there when even you, despite your need to keep the family together all your hopium and wish that he is going to ‘get it’ and change, realise that you are now just enabling your own abuse and there really IS NO connection.

      It is about him. He isn’t even connected to the OW any more. He is not a bad person, but he has no intention/does not have the wherewithal to do the hard work to change and learn to connect in a human, intimate way. Feel sorry for them.

  • Him: But I still have feelings for you! It’s not all about her! It’s not a contest!
    Me: Well, that’s handy; you’re no prize.

  • From an email out of the blue 8 years post final DD: “YOU are that one person from my past that I wonder – if I had done things differently, would we have grown old on the front porch swing drinking lemonade together after living full lives enriched by each others companionship?”

    And by “done things differently”, he presumably does NOT mean why we actually split up- which is that he fucked literally every skank in town. He goes on to lie to me about it AGAIN even though a, it ceased to matter almost a decade ago and b, the OW BRAGGED about it to me (because they started fucking on my birthday, class act):

    “There is clearly nothing I can do about it now. I haven’t been able to do anything about this since the stupid date situation with (OW) and your belief that something happened between she and I…”

    Me and my silly belief that people who “date” my boyfriend and tell me to my face that they’re fucking him… are fucking him! Where DO I get these bizarre ideas? Why, oh why won’t I move back to my home state and “let him take care of me”? Oh, and naturally, he doesn’t have a front porch swing, and I’ve never seen him drink lemonade. Or, indeed, anything under 5% ABV.

    Ughhhhh. I’m going to go make more coffee and see if I left my meh next to the creamer.

  • From both OW and STBX I got, “We made a mistake and just want to be friends again, nothing more.” They must think I am such an idiot. OW did not know about OW2. Haven’t heard from her, yet, but STBX gave me the old, “You’d really like her if you met her.”

    • I got that one too, “if you met her, you would like her!” Yeah right, she is a great example of what is wrong with our world these days.

  • I’m just mentoring her through the transition from high school to college, she’s highly anxious and needs all the support she can get.
    And- I’m grateful for the affair for creating the crisis we need to repair our marriage.

  • During my major Chump Phase I met my now ex at a restaurant for our 20th anniversary, fully aware he was still with the OW … he said “Don’t worry next year we will have a good anniversary” Well by our next anniversary we were divorced!

    • Nojo, WOW. That was fast! My divorce took over two years but my wedding date is one I celebrate now. It’s my dissolution date as well. Thank You Judge for signing that paper on your day off. I think he recognized a douchebag when he saw one! 🙂

    • Nojo, we separated right after our 24th anniversary. During fake reconcilement, my STBX said that for our 25th anniversary he wanted to renew our vows. lol! He was still cheating on me when he said it! I guess he figured he’d win me over by saying that.

  • CL: I don’t know if you are still taking comments on your website, but I just referred a fellow chump here and she said it was difficult to navigate. I have a suggestion. At the bottom of your new stories page, have a link to previous so newbies can look at many of your most recent posts to determine if they want to become a regular.

    As to your post: It all started innocently. He looked her up on facebook; he messaged her that he was not happy, he made the first phone call, he had a 6 HOUR PHONE CONVERSATION a couple weeks before they met for their first screw. It all started innocently. WTF.

    Divorce is pending. 🙂

    I love your readers and this site.

    CLL

    • Still working on the site CLL, but under each post (if you look above) is an entry that says “Previous” (and if you go back before today” “Next” listing the preceding and following stories.

      On the home page are listed the last five stories I’ve posted. Below are the categories for featured posts, reconciliation, cheaters decoded, etc.

      • Your previous link does not show up under today’s page. So if a newbie decides NOT to click on today’s link in particular, she would benefit by a previous link on the main page. Otherwise a newbie is a bit lost. Let me know if that does not make sense.

        CLL

          • This IS the home page with the previous posts below. About a week ago, yes, only today’s post appeared. I’m in the middle of a site redesign. If you looked today you would see this.

              • I just see the archive option at the end of the page. Some type of previous link below the last story listed would be helpful. I dont see anything like that when I go to that page. 🙂 sorry. trying to assist.

        • One other last observation/recommmendation: Create a section that has NOTHING to do about infidelity. For example, I have a couple young ladies who played softball. On a different state’s website (ohio fastpitch website THESOFTBALLZONE :)) they have a separate section I believe under rants and raves for things totally unrelated to softball (Randomness). One of my daily, favorite sites.

          I think this would be a fantastic addition to your site. We ALL NEED A BREAK FROM THIS UNBELIEVABLE REALITY and something similar to that link would be great.

          For instance, E entertainment just did a followup story on a Garth Brooks / Teresa Shaw facebook post that had me crying on at least 4 occasions. Teresa is from Iowa and has the heart/soul of a wonderful, caring, sweet person who went to my high school.

          One of many links.

          http://www.eonline.com/news/596896/garth-brooks-serenades-fan-with-cancer-gives-her-his-guitar-watch-the-touching-concert-video

          A section dedicated to some uplifting stories (infidelity relating or not) is something that would benefit all of your readers.

          Thanks for all you do.

          CLL

  • “It didn’t mean anything, nothing means anything unless you make it mean something!!” (my fav)

    And when I told him sex was amazing with him ,before DDay….

    “I know, its so good , why would you want to keep it all to yourself and not spread it around for everyone to enjoy”…….

    WTF??????? Spock, We have a problem on deck……..

  • Drumroll . . . “I didn’t think you’d be this upset.” Should have been followed by a gunshot blast to his face. (Sigh)

    • I heard that too (but would have preferred to use a dull kitchen knife to the gut, followed by him being carved up and put through a wood chipper)

      • Tempest, you are a woman after my own heart! Like he forgot to renew my subscription to Vanity Fair. I also got “I never thought you’d find out”. Crapweasels, all.

  • During counselling to discuss our child, after separation, he suddenly pulled out a letter that he read to me in front of the counsellor outlining his conditions for us getting back together. Him, giving ME conditions?! WTF?! The counsellor looked at me stunned and asked “Are you reconciling?”
    I just shook my head – it was the first I’d heard of it.
    In all the crap that happened I am most proud that I never ever did any pick me dancing. Once I found out about the cheating, that was my escape route from an emotionally abusive marriage that was slowly killing me and my kids.

    • Mine had the preconditions before he would commit to a therapy session. Know how well that worked for him? He’s been out of the house ever since.

      • Sadly, I’m able to admit that our whole marriage had conditions for me. And once I broke the “you are here to serve me, cook and clean” condition and went back to school to get a degree so I could support our family when he lost yet another job, I was treated like a broken appliance.

  • To my daughter he says ” ask mommy to come with you for a coffee to meet OW , seeing you two talk would make me so happy “WTF !!!!!

  • I have the usual selection: DD1[21 years ago] On finding an unsigned letter from a co-worker – does it really matter who it is? The letter was written as a prank – yes, right. That would be 2 A4 pages complete with references to their last meeting and plans for their next one, prompts on alibis for me, hearts formed in kisses and a formation of I LUV Us.
    DDs 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 with OW2: I just need space to rent a place for a while. I had to share a room with my brother before getting married and want to have my own room. There is no point in divorcing over her as it will not last forever…I want to see her for a while though.
    After she made a scene at my home: She is very upset because she never thought I would lie to HER…there was really no need to call the police (they were both in the police!). This after they brawled in my doorway.
    And of course the trusty old favourite: I can see us getting back together at the end of our days. Cant wait.

  • mine tried to give me conditions too, like i never even asked about getting back together, but he informed me that i had to give him 100% or he didn’t want me, who said i wanted him?

      • Anything to steal my compassion. Trying to make me feel sorry for him like it was soooooo painful for him to sleep with strange women.

    • Did anybody else feel totally disconnected from their cheating spouse when having sex?!? Eeeeewwwww. My body was telling me way before dday. If nothing else look at that.

      • Absolutely! It got to a point where I would put the kids down and walk in the room to find porn on and he would just stare at the tv while fucking me. Horrible.

        • Yes. The complete lack of intimacy, emotional, freaked me out. I felt so used. I couldn’t who’re myself out anymore. b.O.b. Became a better partner.

      • Oh God yes! It was horrible. Of course, I understood why when I figured out (by reading a letter I found) that the robotic, non-intimate script he adhered to every. single. time. we had sex was HER concoction. Yep, he played out her fantasy with me for YEARS. You can definitely tell when the person you’re having sex with is with someone else in his head.

      • Lol, yeah I didn’t understand how that was supposed to make me feel better or whatever his intent was on telling me that line. My best guess is he wanted to make sure I knew how hard it was on him and that he didn’t enjoy the 60 plus painful orgasms he had. Poor guy.

  • My Cake eater “broke it off” with his mistress on the phone in front of me. (At my insistence) I could not believe my ears when he said to her “I am sooo sorry for dragging you into this” and ended the call by saying “talk to you later”. What shocked me was how he could not show me one iota of the remorse he showed her! Saving room for potential future cake eating with her. What a prick. He said daily: “I was never going to divorce you!” Wow-Gee thanks. So glad I saw the light early on.

  • Me (shortly after D Day): What were you thinking?
    Him: I thought I had two women.
    Me: Well, you thought wrong.

    We’re divorced now!

  • Me: So if you knew it was wrong and you say you wanted to end it, why didn’t you?
    Wife: I was torn. And he kept saying, “it’s ok, I can handle it.”

    • The married ow kept telling my h that screwing her didn’t make him a bad person. That she wasn’t a psycho and I’d never find out. That no one was going to get hurt by their affair. She was wrong on all counts. He wanted to be respected and chose the vag of a redneck cheater, and is trying to figure out how no one respects him now, how she was a psycho, how he pays $620 week for 3 individual therapists and one marriage counsellor for all those who weren’t affected. And he was the smarter of the 2.

  • My now Ex said to me “what’s the hurry , cooler heads prevail, I don’t know if it’s going to be you, her or someone else” Hmmm let me just sit around & see what you decide! Not!!! Also told our two grown sons 90 percent of men cheat the other 10 percent have not been caught yet & he won’t turn his back on them when they do it to their wives!!! Can you say narcissist ! 30 years of marriage is hard getting over… At least I can hold my head up high!

    • Vicki – what he told your sons is SICK SICK SICK. It’s bad enough that some studies show narcissistic characteristics could be hereditary to some extent, but to reinforce it as a parent telling their child that (whatever their ages), is really twisted. My STBX said essentially the same thing (not to my kids though, thankfully)…that the ones who don’t cheat are wusses.

  • My cheaterpants ex decided I should live around the corner from the house we’d shared for 12 years. He actually put a deposit on a shitbox condo “for me,” I guess so he could drop over and let me wash his socks after moving his slut student into our home. When that didn’t fly, he figured we could at least keep our vacation cabin and use it alternate weekends, you know, unless we decided to pal around up there. No dice. Five years later, he sent a letter to my office proclaiming that I “was always the only one” for him. I checked the court docket and, sure enough, my “younger, thinner and prettier” replacement was rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Time to dust off the older more dependable model. I didn’t reply.

    What is wrong with these people? (You don’t need to answer that.)

  • How about this one: if I hadn’t told you the truth everything would have been ok. In other words, when I confronted him, if he had lied about it (but I had proof so that any amount of lying would have meant nothing) instead of telling me the truth about her, it would have been ok.

    Other good ones: I needed to get it out of my system. She gets me. You don’t like fishing. Your depression was difficult to handle (after 16 years). You don’t like Christmas. We want different things. You didn’t want any more children….I made that clear when we got together 16 years prior. I had two. He had three. You’d like her.

    Blah, blah, blah…..

  • ME: Why didn’t you just break up with me?
    X: Because I loved you more.
    ME: That means you loved her.

    X: You have been the most important person in my life

    X: (after breakup) I am in therapy trying to learn how to be less self-destructive.

    X: My preference would be to have you in my life at some level, even if only a cordial professional relationship.

    • “X: (after breakup) I am in therapy trying to learn how to be less self-destructive.”

      Really? How about getting therapy to learn how to be less destructive of OTHERS??!!?!?!?

    • “X: My preference would be to have you in my life at some level, even if only a cordial professional relationship.”

      Ouch, that’s cold. Icy cold. You didn’t even get the classic “Let’s be friends” line. So the ex just wanted you on LinkedIn? Lovely.

  • I’m sure we can all type a thousand responses but this is one of my other favorites…”when the condom broke I stopped immediately and didn’t finish” this line was delivered when he told me he thought he had a STD.

    “I think it’s best I move out too as I can’t heal being around you”

    “I was so lonely” response to why did you kiss your coworker a month after the last discovery. I guess I just wasn’t healing fast enough.

    “All the swinger couples are so happy and their marriages are so strong”

      • My reply was “Well, clearly you don’t believe in marriage either. But lucky for me, I DO (remember saying that to me?) believe in divorce….and getting half your 401k.”

  • Him: “But I always thought you would be fine with an open marriage – I mean, you’re a liberal Massachusetts Democrat after all.”

    Me: “Guess I didn’t learn that whole sharing lesson in church.”

    (This after finding out that he’d had one OW for the past 17 years, and was “cheating” on her with another OW, and 1st OW was calling out 2nd OW. It was a complete shit show, like something out of a Jerry Springer episode!)

  • two months after D-day my cheating husband told me he didn’t stop seeing her right away because because she’s crazy, he had to wean her off of him so she wouldn’t say he abused her and press charges against him, which would be easy because her Uncle is a lawyer. It was to protect me, she could have sued us and taken everything from us, ha ha.

  • Ex and I were discussing the future of our marriage, shortly after dday:

    Ex (thoughtfully): Well you know, if I can come and go as I please, and just have free reign to all of the money, we might just be able to make this work…

    Ummmm, no.

  • “I still want a relationship with you. I just don’t want to be married to you.”

    “Maybe we could meet and just have sex on Tuesdays?” (He hadn’t left the house yet and was already trying to set up how to cheat on the OW with his STBX … nice! Barf.)

    “I just need, like, six months to see if it will work out with OW. If it doesn’t, and you’re still available, then we can get back together again. I know I’m taking a *huge* risk here. I really am. But I need to find out if this is true love and that’s the only way I’ll know. I totally get it if you’re not available in six months, but I hope you’ll keep the door open and wait for me. Because it would be such a shame to throw away a 25 year marriage if it doesn’t work out with her.”

      • I feel like everyone got the ‘I need time and space’ line. I certainly did. I heard ‘I need time to think about what I want’, because what I wanted or what the kids wanted wasn’t even on his radar. It was all about him and in his mind he was the only one who had a real choice – the rest of us should just sit around and wait to see if he decided we were good enough to stick around for. I didn’t wait, I kicked him out. And he’s never forgiven me for that.

    • Gotta have that safety net. I’ll just put you on pause while I see if this other thing meets my high standards. If not, no harm done, right?

    • “Because it would be such a shame to throw away a 25 year marriage if it doesn’t work out with her”

      I love how the Cheaters cannot connect the dots that is the very thing they are doing, throwing away a however-long marriage.

      • What an entitled asshole. I am realizing that what they are doing is talking on the time it takes us chumps to figure out who we are dealing with.

        Like, we actually stood by while they said this? We were actually there in the flesh?

        Yes. Because we thought we were dealing with other humans not entitled creeps who think the world begins and ends with them.

        Oh Athena, did he expect you to say: Yes, shithead, I will absolutely wait around while you figure out if you are in love with her. That’s just what I was made to do in this world, wait for you to decide if you want me or her? Very nice of him and I can imagine the tone of voice he used too. Such a thoughtful fellow, huh?

        What fuckheads all these cheaters are! They would be a comedy show except that all of these quotes are real.

        • When he said this to me (and yes, I had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting out laughing) I informed him that I wasn’t anybody’s Plan B, thank you very much. I chose the OW for him. Then I switched on the Divorce Machine and haven’t looked back. He did try to boomerang, all on the advice of his attorney, who told him that he at least needed to make it look like he had tried everything (he actually told me this!) to save his marriage.

          Two years later: he got fired (OW was a vender, whose contract X was in charge of); hasn’t been able to find work for over a year; OW tried to get back with her husband, who also declined her offer and she revealed in her bidding attempt to get back together that she never loved my X, just wanted to experience a taste of the lifestyle he offered; she’s now living with my X because she has no where else to live, also unemployed. Aren’t they a pair?

  • “I still love you very much. I know there isn’t anyone as good as you. You’re an incredible father and have been a great husband. But the passion in the relationship is gone.”

    Not a very original one, and certainly not a cupcake cartoon contender, but hey, what the heck, that’s what she said.

    • Chumpguy, my cheater gave me the “I’m no longer passionate about our relationship” crap. Like you can keep up the sparkles every day for nine years. Passion fades into companionate love in every relationship after a while; cheaters just don’t get it. And certainly they aren’t willing to inject any passion of their own into their existing relationship.

    • Chumpguy……I got “the passion is gone” speech also. He also said that his affair with the skank was like the movie, True Lies. I believe I yelled at him and told him that our lives were NOT A MOVIE and never would be….this is real freakin life!!!

    • Obviously after 32 years of marriage, there just wasn’t enough Ray Donovan, soap opera, edgy movie drama in our life. But I suppose the guys she cruises for provide plenty of sparkles. Wonder what happens for these disordered people when the music stops?

    • It’s hard to keep the passion (and intimacy) alive in a relationship when you’re boinking other people behind your partner’s back.

  • After D-Day, I called my former sister-in-law (also a chump). She said my brother told her, “I don’t know why you’re not strong enough to get over this” after she found out about his affair.

  • Cheater: “The OW cancelled her wedding to be with me. I couldn’t say no to her after that. She’d have been disappointed.”

      • And his closing line: “The only part I regret is having hurt you”.

        Two years later, he is really regretting his decision. The reluctant bride went from being a bawdy chubster who sold her naked photos on the web to make rent each month, to where she is now…sitting at home with one kid, pregnant again, having put on (according to her astonishingly laughable blogs) enough weight to weigh in over 250 lbs. She refuses to work, has panic attacks, is heavily in debt, and blogs about how her friends have all abandoned her because she didn’t give the wedding gifts back!

        I am so blessed that the stupid freeloader cheater fell on his sword. My life is mine again.

  • I got this:
    “She’s really nice and you would really like her. She’s offered to babysit our kids so we can have a date night!”

    And from her, about 3 weeks post DDay:
    “You should quit whining and focus instead on your kids and your husband, who is willing to work with you to fix your marriage.”

    Aren’t they the thoughtful couple?

  • I still can’t believe he said this:

    “I’m really hoping we can stay friends through all of this…(pause)…friends, with benefits.”

    Nope, F#$@&r, we can’t.

  • I love reading all the cake stories, it has made my day much more enjoyable!

    Background story…my ex cheated with an employee for 3 years. She is 54. 12 years older than him, 14 years older than me, AND she looks it.

    On my D-day I asked him “Why her?” Must have caught him at a weak moment.

    His response, “She does what I tell her to.”

    Me: “Nacho (a 20 year old male employee) does what I tell him to, but that does not mean I am doing him!”

    Isn’t that an abusive relationship in the making?

    Happily divorced, dating another chump. I’m happy, he’s happy, our kids are happy and our parents are thrilled!

    • After false R and he FINALLY left (although he still makes stupid excuses to contact me) he tells me, “I feel like my life is split in two”. Yes, he actually believed that he still had the deliciously difficult choice of which woman would be the recipient of his amazing wonderfulness. Couldn’t even be bothered to tell him that no, actually he was all hers and I was done with him. Obviously still driving what my son calls ‘the flaming bus of delusion’. Over the nearest cliff, hopefully.

      The real jaw -dropping one liner though was “We can spend Christmas together, because she will be busy with her kids.” For one of the very first times in my life – totally lost for words. Uh no, got other plans, mate.

      BTW cannot even begin to say how glad I was to find Chump Lady. Literally saved my sanity. What an eye opener. I am not alone. I am not crazy. I can and will get through this horror. If there is any sense to be made of any this – it can be found here. Thank you Chump Lady. I am proud to be a citizen of Chump Nation.

      Any London or surrounding area chumps – contact me if you would like to share stories etc.

      Much love to you all.

    • Candace, I told my h that getting blowjobs from a married w 4 kids 50yr old employee (older than he is, older than I am) is not sexy, it’s pathetic.

  • “Why did you give up on our marriage?” After a 3 year affair with his “soul mate.”

    After the divorce “I would like to live in your basement and during the week maybe we could watch TV together, go out to dinner, date. I won’t be here on the weekends though.”

    Yes, my EX is the basement-dweller, hot-pocket eater wannabe!

  • Me: If you say you knew it was wrong, and you said you wanted to end the affair, why didn’t you?
    Wife: I was torn. And he said he could handle it.

  • “That doesn’t mean that we won’t get married again someday.” (Discussing divorcing me so that he could pursue his mistress.)

  • In a letter that he wrote to me asking to come home, which I found out later was basically because he was running out of money and soon to be evicted…”I’m through with her now, she was the disturber of my harmony” whaaaaat?

  • How about this one from my STBX when I found out about the affair. Needless to say, it didn’t seem like a good option to me. Divorce is a much better option!

    “we could be roommates and stay together for the kids. But we would need a legal agreement to have this work, but we would be roommates and would live separate lives.”

    • Yes I got this too. When I told him not going to happen. He then suggested he will board up the upstairs/downstairs. When I told my daughter this she said “mum is dad doing drugs ( they just had a week at school about drugs and alcohol). She also added This is not going to happen mum because how am I meant to get into my room…..on a ladder? (Apparently she said this to her dad and for awhile he was contemplating this).

  • “You be fair to me and I’ll be fair to you.” (Said on his literal way out of the door after he unexpectedly announced he wanted a divorce for absolutely no reason).

    Read: “You don’t know it yet, but I am pumping a tasteless ho-bag because I lack even the most basic common decency and character. This will probably unleash the hounds of hell. So if you agree to be nice beforehand and take this all laying down, I might give you some paltry inequitable share of our assets and we can still fuck whenever I feel like it. Oh, can I have a hug? No hug?”

    Not particularly colorful. But unbelievable nonetheless. The hug thing really bothered me. He always wanted a fucking hug. No hug for you.

  • I’m taking these gems straight out of emails from my STBX:

    “Being thoughtless toward you has grown over time and it has gotten to a level that has become second nature.”
    “My whole living condition has changed. The only change for you is that I’m not there and you have a different key to the house.”
    “I feel like when you look at me you see ‘bad guy’ tattooed on my forehead.”
    “I feel that long term it isn’t healthy for you to be angry or for me to take it.”
    “Our marriage was barely consummated.”
    “I thought I could fix my issue by going elsewhere. I got the physical part but what I realized was that it was only physical.” (so I never stopped!)
    “I got blindsided by you kicking me out.” (really? you didn’t know the consequences of affairs?)

    and these he said:
    “Can I still list you as my emergency contact?”
    “It’s kinda like cheating but not really.” (when I caught him with a prostitute)

    MC: for next time, think about your dating years, how you felt, how you were perceived, etc. and how that may have had an impact on your situation.
    Him: I don’t understand.
    MC: for instance, some people weren’t popular in HS, didn’t date much, were geeks, etc. so it may have impacted their desire to to be wanted.
    Him: well, that wasn’t the case for me. I was an athlete so all the girls wanted to be with me.
    Me: OMG! I guess everyone wants you!

    Me: I think you should tell the MC why your parents are divorced.
    Him: My dad cheated on my mom.
    Me: Perhaps a little more info would be helpful.
    Him: With her best friend in our small town so everyone knew. He did it because my mom wasn’t as social as he was.
    Me: Did you just justify your dad cheating on your mom?
    Him: silence

    • “Our marriage was barely consummated”????? WTF?!!

      “Can I still list you as my emergency contact?” (I can see that as another cartoon. CL you’ve got a ton of stuff to add to your gallery!)

      Wow. I swear they’re all just bugs buzzing towards the light and never learn their lesson. Even when they’re zapped dead. Good lord.

      • Laughing too hard and cringing too… “Can I still list you as my emergency contact?” Oh good God. So far this wins my vote. This has entitlement, grandiosity, it’s all about ME, totally oblivious towards the pain he’s caused, expecting ByeBye to make sure he’s taken care of, and a stunning narcissistic dumb-fuckness that defies understanding – all wrapped up in one little succinct cheater sentence.

  • How is this for cake: After the hell of D-day, after I told him I was divorcing him, but before I could move out he said:

    Him: “I want to make the most of every day that I am still with you.”

    Me: “What about the last 7 years? You cared nothing about being with me.”

    Him: “I did not think you were a real person before. Now I do.”

    Me: at the time, I was stunned speechless.

    What the Godforsaken fuck was that? Great, now I know I married someone who did not think I was a real person and I should be thrilled that he now does! He was brimming over with such compliments, constantly. I was a fool to give him 30 seconds of my time.

    • “I did not think you were a real person before. Now I do.” What, so he thought he married a blow up doll or something? Well, there you have him in a nutshell. He doesn’t see other people as being real people. Scum.

      • They seem so human, yet their actions and words betray them. My husband admitted that he didn’t see prostitutes & porn stars as real during the great Craigslist/Dating Site fiasco of 2009. He’s a disturbed fuck.

      • In “Lars and the Single Girl,” Ryan Gosling treats his blow-up doll better than any of us on this site have been treated.

    • I got that one too..”I’m going to enjoy these last few moments with you before I move out and can’t sleep next to you at night” ugh

    • W?T?F? “I did not think you were a REAL person before. Now I do.” Make room for that guy in the 7th circle of hell.

    • THERE is the narcissism, right there. You don’t exist as a human being for them. My H said: ‘I lost sight of you’. He said that consistently. At the time I did not understand narcissism and did not know what he meant.
      Until I made the correlation that for him, I am ‘mother’ and ‘domestic appliance’ and OW was about living and passion.
      Wow, their soullessness hurts so bad.

      I also got ‘I never meant to replace you’. I wonder if OW knew she was always a side dish. And ‘I don’t know what I want’. And ‘I don’t want to be married any more [but don’t go anywhere and don’t talk about divorce].
      I was WARNED not to marry him – by a psychotherapist. This is my co-dependent chump karma hitting.

      • Your responses give me a sense of peace fiesty, ohthis, ChumpedupChik, Steefoosh and Patsy. I appreciate everyone here–so much laughter and healing. l and am sending out energy for healing and good lives for us all. No more dancing with soulless-disrespectful-dehumanizing-cheating- misery-making-creeps.

    • Him: “I want to make the most of every day that I am still with you.”

      Me: “What about the last 7 years? You cared nothing about being with me.”

      Him: “I did not think you were a real person before. Now I do.”

      Me: funny, I used to think you were a real person before but now I don’t.

      Fixed that for you
      🙂

  • I’ve found some more stuff…our old emails are archived and I’m not even going to trouble myself to look at that cesspool again!

    “I told her she was probably your worst nightmare. (Umm, no….that would be ever sleeping with you again!)

    (When they snuck off to eat Mexican) …she was in town visiting her parents and called while I was out and drove over to meet me. I WAS getting my oil changed at ________ and it did run long…just didn’t tell you she was at the oil change place with me after lunch next door at the Mexican place while waiting on my oil change (that took a lot longer than quoted so won’t use them again). That was why I wasn’t answering my phone…was talking to her….”

    Him about OW: I haven’t made her any promises. We have talked about what it would be like being married, which is admittedly weird as we both already are. We have acknowledged if we were single, we would probably get married. I have been telling her she needs to get divorced irregardless, and my marriage is a separate issue that I need to work on. IF we both get divorced, then we can go from there, but no promises either way.”

    Him about OW: Yes, I have told her that I love her. If I cut off totally as your requested in an earlier email, I’ll probably always feel that way. It certainly has been difficult for me the past dozen years, would rather try to resolve it now.

    I have no idea if they are still “dating” or not. “Don’t know, don’t care!” Heh!

  • Me: ‘See, here’s the problem. You’re on hundreds of date sites, listing yourself as ‘separated’. Funny, I was never ‘separated’ and never on date sites. How do you explain that?’
    Him: ‘Well, we would fight (about private browsers on his phone and date site profiles), and I would leave (over-the-road truck driver) thinking it was all over, but then we would make up, and I’d come home (to get home-cooked meals served to him in front of the TV). And then we’d fight all over again (about his new profiles set up while we were ‘separated’).’

    And a few days after I had forced him to call his OW (who has a hideous dinner-plate sized tattoo on her chest) in the middle of the night and break it off, we decided to have makeup sex. As he rolled over on top of me from his side of the bed (hey, he was there, that should be enough foreplay, right?), he looked down at my chest and asked, ‘If you had a tattoo, what would it be?’ I rolled out of that bed like my ass was on fire, and he just didn’t understand why I was so upset.

    Yeah, I was a hard core, unicorn-chasing chump. It took another year and a DV protection order to make me decide to roll out of the marriage, too.

  • Hahaha!! These are hysterical in a wierd twisted way, only one we can understand. Sad, but crazy how there is a symmetrical balance of the things they say…Reading through them I keep being reminded of more and more things my XBF said…….so many things that are being echoed by everyone…….uuuggghhhhh……….these people are SAD SAD SAD!!!!!!!!!!

  • One of the myriad of stupid things said by Mr Cheater-pants was, “I can still come over a couple nights a week and you make dinner while I play with our daughter in the pool and then after dinner we can all play a board game together or watch a
    movie just like we used to”

  • After finding out about the emotional affair between him and his ho-worker:

    Me: What are we going to do about this? Her. You. At work together.
    Him: Well I suppose I’m going to have to not talk to her anymore. But it’ll be hard. She’s been my best friend for 3 years. (hangs head in hands)
    Me: IDGAF. Best friend? Wasn’t I your best friend?
    Him: No, you’re my family
    Me: What about our years together. 10 years married this year and my feelings mean nothing?
    Him: Blank, dead-eye stare. Sad sausage face.

    He still hasn’t admitted that he’s in love with her. I know he is. I must get Mighty. Send me strength Chump Nation.

    • Maybe you need to explain to him that married people aren’t supposed to have girlfriends or boyfriends. He sounds like he might be mature enough to understand that.

    • ohthisagain, sending you all the energy! GTFO of that relationship! Doesn’t matter if he’s in love with her, it’s bullshit pity me party crap he’s feeding you. You are mighty! Jedi Hugs!

    • ohthisagain……this is verbatim text between me and fuckhead that sounds quite familiar to what you are saying…..we are not together now……..thank GOD! take heed……here ya go…this was a little bit of me being in shock still at it all!

      J: Okay…I am working out a situation where someone almost overdosed on 90 Xanax…I don’t want that on my conscience.. You understand I have been through one death already relating to prescription drugs! Actually resulting from a longterm abuse of drugs… Hello? (referring to his son that before discovery he blamed his lack of affection to me on his sons death rather than, as I realized later, that he was cheating and using son as a cover……now that SICKENS me!!!).

      Me: I’m at a loss.

      J: What do you mean?

      Me: What would take from Wed to now to get a situation handled if it was an overdose of 90. Shouldn’t that person be dead?? Isn’t 90 a whole lot too much?

      J: Yes… You are misunderstanding!!!

      Me: Well please just say it I want answers. I DESERVE answers

      J: Okay…They stated that since I was gone, they may as well be gone…

      Me: So when were you officially “gone” and how do you know the overdose really happened.

      J: WOW… Please listen. They threatened suicide…Now you get it…I don’t want that on my conscience… I am serious and it is not a very good subject based on what I have been through…

      Me: And more than this girl…WHAT ABOUT ME???? Am I nothing? Does my mental state not matter???!!! When did your loyalty and obligation switch from me to her??? So is what you were gonna tell me that I would understand is that bc she’s suicidal that you have to be w her?

      J: Oh God Damn it…I knew this was going to happen…. SHIT… This is going nowhere.. Why are you acting like this? I understand you are so scorned!!! I have been working with (counselor) a lot to make sure nothing like this ever happens again…And I have this other psycho situation to handle…If you want to bail…Bail out…I tell you the truth and all I do is get crucified for it!!!

      And his BULLSHIT goes on and on but I stopped to spare all……..

      • Thanks for the support, everyone. I’m working up the strength to leave, but it’s hard when you have 3 little kids whose lives will be destroyed from it. I really can’t stand being around him though.

        Ihave, your story sounds very familiar to mine. My H had to have 2 hour phone conversations with his skankubus because her Aunt is very sick and she needs support. Well, talk to your family or your girlfriends then ho, my man is not your shoulder to cry on. I asked him what kind of support he could give to her for 2 hours other than saying “I hope she gets better” and he had no answer. From my investigating, I found out she also talked about shaving her cats, her cats in general, how much they hate work, her issues with her boyfriend, his issues with me, what kind of clothing she shopped for that day (him – bikini?) and on and on. Liars lie, they sure do.

        • Don’t blame the OW, blame your cheater husband, because it was HIM who was giving her the shoulder to cry on and very willingly.

          And are you sure its the right pussy cat she was talking about shaving?? 🙂

        • My kids would have been better off psychologically if I had left my husband years ago, even before finding out about his cheating. The dysfunction these cheaters cause in the house goes beyond their ability to keep their pants on, and children are affected by the stress.

          DO NOT stay for the kids–someone convinced me to do that years ago and I still feel like smacking her. It was the wrong advice.

  • I haven’t gotten thru all of these, so pardon a probable repeat (these cheaters are so not original)- I’m rushing to get out the door to catch the bus to MC.

    Sigh.

    “But I told her from day one, I made it very clear, Nic, that I was never going to leave her for you. She’s a white trash mess and I was embarrassed to be seen with her, so we were never alone in public”.

    and my fave

    “She swallowed”.

    • nic……….here it is 130am CST…….NOOOOO!!! he did not say that! NO NO GOOD……ALL OF THEM! I’m really starting to wonder if there really are non-cheaters. I’m getting more and more convinced there are not. Love this website but there are SOOO many of us with these horrible stories! It makes for many questions of where are the normals or do they just not exist?

      • It is gross – I asked him to tell me what in the Sam Hill was attractive about her – ugly, married, uneducated, older, unpolished, crass, horrific dresser, not bright or articulate, white trash, the company rebounded after she was fired, she was shit at her job – these are the words he used to describe her, btw, not mine – and that was her redeeming quality. I let her husband know what her skill set was in a descriptive email, couldn’t hold it in. I wanted to bathe in bleach when I found out. ((((Shivers))))

    • “But I told her from day one, I made it very clear, Nic, that I was never going to leave her for you. She’s a white trash mess and I was embarrassed to be seen with her, so we were never alone in public”.

      Wow. We have brothers from another mother.

    • Nic, if he thought and told you,

      “She’s a white trash mess and I was embarrassed to be seen with her, so we were never alone in public”.

      that says WAY MORE about him, because if he fucked a woman he thought was a white trash mess and wouldn’t be seen with her in public, yet he continued to fuck her or whatever, he is just as nasty if not more.

      • I know. I found out about the cheating a year after it ended. It was a year of him lying and doing his own pick me tap dance for me (while lying, natch). Let’s just say his mother wasn’t too upset about the affair – the mow had always fawned all over her, just like she did my h. They both took the superficial, nutritious-as-a-ding-dong flattery that came out of the ow’s well-used pie hole as gospel for a while. this affair has caused me to go nc with a lot of people who I cared about for over half my life. For both my mil and the ow, I was the one thing keeping them from eternal happiness with my prize of a husband (my 27 yr contribution to his success wasn’t relevent), they both wanted to be his life partner. Ew ew ew. The shrinks we see are having a field day with this, I’m counting down the 7 mos until I move very far from this carny world of redneck honey boo boo bullshit.

  • Have a hard time deciding which ones were the best pieces of cake-talk. Just a few that comes to mind first then: “I was thinking last night and realized that I’m really mad at you for not having stepped in and done something to stop this relationship with her.” “You don’t know what it’s like. I need to stay with her otherwise she’ll never find and have a normal guy in her life again.” “I fear if I leave her she’ll hang herself.” And the most recent one of out-of-nowhere viber messages: “How could this happen.. How could we turn against each other..”

    • Yes! I got that too! Apparently OW came up to STBX at our son’s sports banquet and hit on him. I was clueless to this. His big issue is that I didn’t do anything to stop it!?!? Ugggghhh

    • Jung_Admirier–did you answer with a resounding “yes?” After finding out about my cheater’s affair 8 years ago, he tried to assuage me, “But I chose you. I didn’t leave you.” I told him I wish he had (would have saved me 8 years of narcissistic misery).

      • wow Tempest, that’s exactly what my cheater said to me when I found out about the first MOW ho-worker. ” I chose you not her” geez seriously? you chose me over that thing? am I suppose feel good about this and feel redeemed that I was the better option? Why wasn’t I informed about that there was a decision making? My answer was like yours, I told him I wish he had and that would’ve saved me a decade and much much more and maybe I would’ve been with some decent guy who truly would’ve loved and cherished me. Asshole!

        • Mine came up with even better wording, I had “won” because he is staying with me. WON?? Won what? I lying, cheating now high mileage creep I will never feel special to again? WOW, is there another choice? Like Door#3? Does not take into consideration I am not getting back what I thought I had lost…A man who loved and cared about me who would never trash & humiliate me in this way!!

          • You see when I got a wind of about the first MOW ho-worker, at first he said “that whore will lie and say things that didn’t happen, because I chose you not her” Then when I said “you chose me over that thing? am I suppose feel good about this and feel redeemed that I was the better option? Why wasn’t I informed about that there was a decision making?” Asswipe tried to back track and said ” I meant in her head she thought I chose you, she thought we had something, –in. her. head– there was never any decision making, she is just crazy!” and tons of other nonsense.

            I truly wish he chose her, but he chose HIMSELF, he had me, had her and others as side dish fucks the whole time, they (OW’s) all knew about me, but I was the ONLY one in the dark.

            Anyway they seem to think they are the shit don’t they? in reality they are nothing but a pile of dog shit! Well skanks can have them, because I sure don’t want that pile of dog shit, not my problem anymore.

            PS: And yes there is another choice Regina.. Yourself, chose yourself 🙂

  • I want to play!

    My STBXH explained that he thought he “deserved to have this because I had a hard childhood.”

    Yes, his compensation for having a rough childhood was to give our three kids a rough childhood.

    • They lie, liars do. In MC workshop my ex told me a story about how his father kicked him out of the house as a teen and he had to live in the woods for a while, crying as he did so. Then he told me my wanting to divorce brought all those abandonment issues up for him, and he begged me not to leave him. Therapatized cheaters are REALLY good at this shit. I found out later the whole story was completely false…

      • You are SO right! Therapiatized cheaters ARE really good at this shit! I told my fuckstick of a husband to stop wasting money on therapy bc it was apparent he had already graduated magna FOO laude. Sick. Of. It. Twisty fucked up bastard. Nothing worse than hearing MC or therapist’s words coming out of HIS cheaterass mouth in the gobsmacking twisted way only he could do it. No worries. That sound you hear is just me banging my head against the wall………..

  • I got the “she’s my best friend” too, really our fucking insurance agent. What about your wife of 29 yrs and mother of your children. Dickhead also said”if you didn’t find out it would still be going on”. And the kicker “we gave each other marriage advice”. Two disordered, married, cheaters giving each other advice, really!

    • Love to hear that advice.. “you should lie more, sneak and with-hold sex.. be cruel and abusive and confuse the crap out of them.. see if that fixes your marriage.. now take your pants off”.

  • I have so many. How about this one I swear god she said this

    “I talked to Marty. He said he will make me start paying for my own dinner so its not like a date.”

  • “I thought if you didn’t know, it was OK.”

    “But we were in California” (still WTF?! on that one…)

    And of course the classic, “I was just curious who else was on ____ gross-out dating site.”

    • Oh, and how could I forget, “I decided in my mind that we weren’t married any more. (So it was OK, not cheating.) ”

      (Just forgot to tell, um, me. hur hur. )

      • Oh yes, the classic! My ex told me: “Our marriage was dead” and “we haven’t had sex in years”. I said I hadn’t realized the marriages died and the only reason we hadn’t had sex was because he refused to…srsly fucked up.

      • “I decided in my mind that we weren’t married any more”. I got told that “we are going in different directions”. This is the first thing I had heard about it. Yeah mine was called my husband and children. His was called the skanky blonde.

  • How about brilliant stuf chumps say…

    Ex…but I really love you and care for you
    Mad chump….yeah you care so much you just stuck your c….k in someone else c…t. That is not what loves look like

    M in law after haranguing me that it was all MY fault and don’t forget your dog

    Mad chump standing on drive…..I am hardly likely to forget the only creature that has ever been faithful am I (and shouting so all the neighbours could hear)

    i could go on but I am so sure you chumps are all going to so out class me and please forgive my potty mouth

    • Oh Fred. That does my head in!! but your my husband.. really. Well spouses are supposed to respect, honor and be faithful. Where is cheating, abandoning included in the marriage vows??

      • When I was facing major surgery for suspected cancer 2 years into the divorce and refused to let him be involved.. “But you’re still my wife”

  • After I found out about the affair and found out the jerk moved in with her for six weeks while telling me he needed space and loved me and didn’t want a divorce…

    Against my better judgement I let him come home for him to tell me “This is really hard on her and himself”

    WTF!!!!! I can only imagine how hard it is for the OW after 2 months vs our 10 years of marriage and a child you selfish asshole!!!!!!

    Oh another good one “She cooks just as bad as you” and “All you care about is our daughter”

  • Forgot this pre-marital counseling remark in front of a Pastor: “So if I cheat on you, you’re going to forgive me, RIGHT?!”

    Little did I know this was his way of knowing for sure ahead of time what I would do in the face of adultery.

      • Hi DM,
        After I responded to narc with “I’ll throw all your possessions on the front lawn and change all the locks on the door”, the Pastor turned to him and said, “Do you hear her? She’s not going take it.” Narc did some weird eye blinking thing and had a follow-up look which now I would describe as narc thinking about how he could cheat and not be found out.

        And me, I foolishly believed my tough stance would stop him from cheating.

  • After he had run off with the blonde, not seen his kids for a couple of months got told, we don’t lead separate lives you know. Its not your life with the kids and my life with the kids, its out life together with the kids.

  • My personal fav is on my birthday, which was just two weeks after Dday and he sent me a text that said “wanna fuck?”. I almost threw up. I just came from the dr getting tested for STDs.

    • Mine actually sent me pictures of his nether regions. I was walking through the grocery store when this text popped up with these pictures. I actually burst out laughing when I saw them.

      • AnnieW56, that exact thing happened to me. In the grocery store. After D-day2. We’d agreed to separate. I’m fucking heartbroken over the thought that we would have to break the news to our daughter. STBX sends me a full frontal nude shot of himself, posing, with an erection. I’m in the produce aisle having a seriously WTF moment. The man’s emotional maturity stopped developing at about 15. He’s 44.

        • Were they trying to gage your reaction in comparison to the OWs, who he in doubt also sent the same or similar picture to?

          • I’m sure that’s exactly what he was doing, ExpatChump. He didn’t get the reaction from me that he hoped for. Maybe his Tampa Tramp approved of her copy, but I sure as hell didn’t. All I could think was, “What is WRONG with you?!”

  • Can’t think of a single funny one, a few journal entries. 3/16: He blamed me for everything gone wrong again, I told him I won’t take responsibility for his life, stop blaming me please. He said he only blamed me for one thing, “not giving us another chance”. He left and spent the night at his girlfriends house. 3/20: Gene went off on me again about causing all his problems and how he needs to live here, it’s his home, his only home. “I know my rights, this is my house, these are my cats, you are my wife and I’m not going anywhere, I’ll live here until I die”. 3/22: Before I went to sleep Gene came down saying he was lost and he needed me to help him find the path. Please give him another chance, I said I couldn’t do that anymore. Not sure what else, he cried, I cried. 3/23: Gene came in to office to tell me he confirmed attending mediation appointment for Friday, he was already drunk, I thanked him. An hour later he brought the gun into the house, I cannot write what happened after that, I was trapped with him a long time. Started out threatening to kill himself, then me, last I saw him outside a court he was chasing me to my car with the gun in his hand. 3/26: He called from the mental health ward accusing me of imprisoning him, told me if I didn’t remove the PO he would destroy me, then back pedaled and said he meant he’d make the divorce nasty and make sure I lose my house. I just kept telling him to do whatever he had to do, the PO stays. And even after all of that, I got emails saying he loved me and missed me and how we can work it out, like a shit rendition of that old Beatles song. In fact I just listened to that song and it really was a lot like that, you know? If I’d just see it his way… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS276uYV0Uk

    • Dat,
      everytime I hear your story, I am there. Did all of it, trapped in the house, wouldn’t let me out, threats
      to his life, which I percieved to mine as well. it just makes me sick we had to go through that. unbelievable.
      As always, hugs to you.

  • “I love you both, but I love you more.” As he waves his keychain in there air and throws in, look I’m giving her house key back… wtf… you have her key on your keychain… yeah, I should win a prize for having to listen to that madness…

  • Ooh I have another one: I still loved you while I was cheating. Really? He cheated for most of our marriage, bad mouthed me to most of our friends, refused sex with me and went out of way not to be seen in public with me. God help these delusional idiots!

  • My “I can’t believe I just heard that” actually came from the OW when she said to me, “You just don’t understand how it is with First Love. You can’t ignore it.” Then she should have told HIM because within the first month of them rumpling the sheets, he was doing the bedroom tango with me.

  • This is what the howorker said to me:

    Your husband is a great guy and your a lucky women to have him
    “Why would your husband be attracted to the person you made me out to be? The answer is I am NOT that person. He has better taste then to be with the person you think I am. I am sure this will irritate you, but we have a few similar qualities, which is why he likes me in the first place.”
    Can’t make that ^^^^ shit up!!

  • I asked him to give me a good reason why I should stay or to at least promise me that he would not cheat again, he said “I can’t promise you that, it’s not in my nature to be monogamous…am a guy and that’s what guys do….” I left him right after that.

  • After dday in 2010 he told me :

    Him: It’s not what you think.
    Me: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck

    “I thought our marriage was over; things haven’t been good” (Three weeks prior we went on a vacation to St. Thomas so I guess we both missed that memo)

    “I never tried to hide it from you” Bullshit translator: “I knew you trusted me and would never invade my privacy”-until he didn’t give me any choice.

    Of course during fake reconciliation I attended a going away party in which the OW was an attendee ugh-AND I was the designated driver so I couldn’t drink-double ugh-they text messaged each other 20 times and he sure as shit deleted all those messages and did in fact try to hide them from me.

    When I showed him them on the usage details of his phone that I got from Verizon he just shook his head and told me “I’m not sure you’re going to get over this.”

    He was right.

    • Ugh, cheaterssuck, I got the “the marriage was bad at the time” excuse, and am now getting the “I don’t think you’ll get over this, even though it happened 8 years ago” BS. Cheating is cheating, am I right? Who cares when it happened, and I just found out about it so why should I get over it.

  • “We married so young I guess I never got to sow my wild oats.” We were married over 35 years before the divorce.

    “There was obviously something seriously wrong in our marriage that caused me to do it.” Nope, just something seriously wrong with YOU.

    “But I had to email her for her Birthday. I’ve been talking to her for two years and it would have been rude if I didn’t.” But it’s OK to disrespect and lie to your wife.

    “We will NEVER speak of this again.” After telling him that the divorce was ON!

    • Yeah….I heard the same kind of “it would be rude” crap from my ex, as if he wanted to remind me of what a stand up guy he was. It never seemed to dawn on him what a ridiculous thing it was to say to someone he had NO PROBLEM being rude to. EVAR!

  • After a conversation where I heard all the reasons why I suck (“You have no zest for life.” “You don’t smile enough.” “Sometimes you eat at Subway.” “I want to go to Walmart by myself and I can’t when I’m with you.”) I got a text that said “As ridiculous as you may think it is, I don’t want to accept us being part for good.”

    And another time “You know, people who talk disparagingly about their exes look like idiots when they eventually take them back.” Oh – thanks for the tip! But believe me, you will look like the idiot they way I tell it, and I won’t be taking you back.

        • Ha! Yeah, one day he came over and saw the Subway wrappings in the trash and kind of lost it. That guy was always up my ass with a microscope regarding what and how I ate and cooked. I had serious food anxiety, which has almost vanished completely in the six months I’ve been away from him.

          • “Sometimes you eat at subway.” Gawd, we chumps are SO disgusting to be eating at Subway. And “I can’t live with that, NOBODY could live with THAT” (MY dicktwiddling twat tester would have added!). WTFH?

  • I’m sleeping on the couch the night after he asks for a separation (without admitting OW, but it’s pretty obvious) and STBX comes downstairs in the middle of the night to ask “Wanna have one last fling?”

    Um, no.

    Then several months later — after OW is acknowledged and has been sleeping over (while our 13 year old son was there) — we end up in an unpleasant texting “conversation” about me not wanting to drive separately to the airport to see our daughter off to college in Europe in which he tells me

    “You have been my best friend and lover for over 30 years! I’ll sit in the back seat if it helps.”

    and

    “Don’t throw away 30 years of magic because our lives have changed.”

    Duh. The magic is gone because of a choice. Made by you.

  • Oops! That should read “about me WANTING to drive separately” or “not wanting to drive with him.”

    [Note to self: Stop editing!]

  • Him when he was with Prior OW: “You acted like the money you got from your mother was your money. She wants me to pursue my dreams and she is willing to support me in it.”

    Me: “My mother’s money technically is now my money, but I’ve been using it to pay the bills and fill in the gaps from your spending – mostly on you pursuing your dream.” Facepalm.

    This after over 20 years of taking money from our household that we could not afford to “support his dream.”

    Him when he took up with Present OW: “I really like you. I would hate not to be able to talk to you anymore.”

    Me: “Really? Because I can tell you right now, if you’re with her, you won’t be talking to me.”

  • “I’ll try not to cheat on you again- but I really can’t guarantee it”
    or this little gem (three months after we split and a week after the OW had broken it off to try and make her marriage work) “Maybe we could start dating again – like we were strangers and just getting to know each other without the history of our marriage hanging over us ( the four affairs, porn addiction and complusive lieing he meant) “…. My reply I wouldnt date you if you were the last man on earth and humanity depnded on it.

  • ‘Maybe if you take your clothes off and walk around I might not leave you’. I think that was around my chemotherapy treatment number five. He thought it was a funny joke to make.

  • Ok – so the boring ones were “We can still hang out together” (so he looked good in front of his friends)
    “You’re so vanilla” (when I wouldn’t come home with men so he could screw them too, which I didn’t know he was on the downlow at the time)

    Then I found out he was gay or bi or whatever. So this one came about from him:
    “I haven’t been bi in a while”. Oh, excuse me, I didn’t stand in line for that one. Actually one of my favorite ones 🙂 lol

    The best ones, after I showed him the evidence I found he was sleeping with men, were:
    “Can’t you be my cover? You make me look good”
    “I tell you I love you. Isn’t that good enough?”
    and the classic “But I come home to you”

    When we were separating:
    “Why are we breaking up again?”

    “We can live in separate places and keep the kids in the house and trade off living here every other week so the kids are disrupted. My rule is no sex in this house.” WTF? That was the first thing that came to his mind?

    “I’d like to go to dinner every other Friday night as a family”

    “You take our daughter, and I’ll take our son” (CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?????? He is SO mentally ill)

    “We can stay together and you can work in a bakery because you love to bake” (um, this one came from a 20 year profession (NOT bakin), laid off due to the economy a few years back with a 1 year old and and a 3 month old – he knew I liked to bake and thought I could do this now. – like it was my dream job or something He told me to find this job so I can go in at 3am, come home when he goes to work, deal with 2 babies then I can be asleep at 9pm.)

    ……………………………………………..

    The worst part of this situation is 99% of his friends knew he was gay and has relationships with women to pull off the straightness look. They didn’t know I didn’t know and they thought this was my bag. I see where they are coming from, but it’s also twisted.

    • My ex husband wanted to split the kids up – take his son and leave his daughter. He went so far as to steal his son’s social security card and birth certificate. Some where though, he realized I would have hunted him down to the ends of the earth to find my son – and he stopped thinking about stealing him and running away.

  • “I don’t want to have to learn about someone else” implying he know anything about me to begin with.

    “But you’re my best friend”-I don’t think so’

    “Why don’t you understand it was a mistake” -no you intentionally put your dick in aniother woman-conscious choice, not a mistake. The mistake was me marrying your sorry ass!

  • “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…I married you for your income, but I wanted to best friends just like you are with Gene (my first husband)”

    Really? He re-married his new “income” two days after our divorce was final.

  • Ooh oo! How about: “Her exhusband abused her sexually, so she had no idea what real love, sex with love is. ” …..um and I should care?!

    And from OW to me: “He taught me how to make love and I taught him how to f#ck.”
    ….bully for you?

    Yep.

  • In the middle of our divorce (I was a SAHM with three toddlers) he came back to our house one night, held me down and tried to force himself on me, and when I made it clear I was not interested he said “well after the divorce could we still have sex?”

    I am not sure how far into his relationship with the OW he was at that stage but really – I divorced him because he was an abusive asshole, the cheating was kind of a relief.

  • “She didn’t know what she was doing in bed. It was’nt very good & I could not have sex with her without taking a Viagra.” Can’t forget she was an”oral sex virgin!” Umm right; seriously? His MOW was married for 25 years, but she was clueless in bed & he just could not get it up with out a little help. Spare me the bullshit please…The shit that drips from their mouths never ceases to amaze me!

  • WH: ” I don’t understand why you are making such a big deal about my girlfriend! You have had sex with someone else besides me in your lifetime!

    (I got married very young, 1st husband cheated on me, & I divorced him. That was the only other man I had ever been with. I met WH a few years later. )

    Me: “That was before I met you! You had sex with another woman DURING our marriage. Our marriage vows obviously meant nothing to you!”

    How does he see that as being the same thing?

  • Mine said we weren’t leaving each other’s lives, we’d still be doing things together with our sons and their “lovely ladies.” Seriously, he said “lovely ladies.” I think he was already thinking about hitting on our son’s wives.

  • Mine said: “Maybe later we could get married again. But for now, I just want to be alone.”

    Yeah, alone with *them* I guess…like I was going to just conveniently disappear while the little boy played with his toys…and then come back if he couldn’t find anything better!

    I told him he needed to choose: *Play* or *me* –and if he chose *play* that he would never see me again. He chose “play*. I kept my promise, LOL!

    Years later, I saw an item at my grandparents’ house–something I made when XH and I were first dating, that I had left behind when I moved away. I said nothing about it. Grandmother asked if I’d ever heard from XH and I said no, then she asked if I thought I’d ever want to hear from him again…I said No.

    And that’s that. I don’t miss him OR his toxic family!

    Found out that he died 2 years ago. Guess he thought I’d always be waiting in the wings. Wrong!!

  • “Why can’t you understand that it is just about PLEASURE, it is not about cheating!”

    Now the word pleasure if so “dirty” to me. 🙁

  • In the weeks after leaving my CW, she insisted I go back to our family home for dinner each night (for the kids sake). I did this for a few weeks to keep the peace.

    Now we were officially separated. One night, when the kids had left the table she said; “what if we stayed together in this house as a family (for the kids sake) so WE can benefit from YOUR income. And if one of us wants a relationship with someone else sometimes, we can use our vacant beach unit to see them when we want ?”

    She was totally serious, and I’m not making this up. She’s borderline. I told her she was F’n crazy. That was about 16 months ago. Still going through divorce and it’s hell.

  • ‘Can I still list you as my emergency contact?’ My response would have been ‘Yes, if it means I get to turn the life support off’

  • 3 months after he walked out and shacked up with OW, I got a call from his job that he had had a stroke and he was stable but being taken to the ER. He was only 36! Although I had finally been following through with no contact and no more pick me dancing, I still loved him and had a friend drive me there. OW was fouling up the waiting area but because I was the wife, I filled out papers and was escorted back to Ex’s cubicle. When I went there he was trying to say it wasn’t a stroke and it was just because he was tired. Then he proceeded to say that we could take turns visiting him!!!! Dafuq?! I drew myself up and told him I would not be doing that, the nurses encouraged me to not allow the bitch in. He got upset and said dramatically that if she couldn’t visit him then he didn’t want any visitors! I blinked and told him I was done with him and walked out. That was one of many fires set to the bridge between us.

  • Mine is of the stepping over the body to get his Hotpocket variety……..about 4 days after d-day when things really started to sink in he found me sobbing in my closet on the floor. He rolled his eyes and said with disgust “WTh is with all the sniveling? You are making a spectacle of yourself, it’s not dignified.” WTFH? Bc you know cruising web porn, Ashley Madison and going on dates with whores you meet at work bc you think your wife can’t or won’t ever find out is completely classy. My bad you sadistic M-fucking asswipe

  • Oops! Posted before I got to the punch line…..halfwit fuckstick cheater wrapped up with, “you know this kind of behavior drives me away and makes me feel bad. If you could just get yourself together we could have a chance.”

  • It may not be “cake talk” because he never said a word but my favorite line came from the OW when I asked her if they were having an affair…”Aren’t you glad it’s me and not some 19 year old Floozie?”

    Ummmm…..no.
    As opposed to a 50 year-old, single woman?
    What the fuck difference does it make?
    You’re fucking my husband (Oh, so that is why he couldn’t come near me for YEARS) and I am supposed to be happy because your old?

  • A few examples from my crazy cheating ex-wife:

    “I will give reconciliation a try, but I can’t *guarantee* that my relationship with X is over.” (This one drew several silent eye-blinks from our marriage counselor).

    “My mom says I shouldn’t even try to reconcile because she doesn’t think you’re the kind of person that can forgive. So I’m going against my own mom’s advice for you.”

    And my personal favorite (spoken while she’s badly stage-crying): “You should be assured that I won’t do this again because he’s such a good person and it hurts so much to think about losing him.” (Note: She never cried at the idea of losing me, her husband of 22 years and father of our 2 children, or our family). Yeah, for some reason this didn’t assure me the way she said it should.

    Ah, cheaters. Such silly, silly fuck-squeaks.

  • I asked my cheater if he left his wedding ring on while screwing his Russian 25 years younger prostitute, and he said, and I swear ” Oh yes …I just cherish it so much !!!! ” There is a reason i didn’t allow guns in the house!

    • Just a question, Lunachick…
      By chance is he a cyclist? It seems to be in the SA handbook that they all start cycling, then buying expensive roadbikes after we find out. I read a recent article tying cycling in with lumps (or a 3rd nut!) on their testicles! I was hoping karma was working 😉

      • Interesting! No he wasn’t a cyclist; he wasn’t active at all actually, just played video games when he wasn’t working. Maybe he sat on his nuts for too long! 😛

  • my x’s cake talk came with hefty sides of shit sandwich so it is often still difficult for me to figure out which is which.

    i think this was his cake talk: “I am not in the marriage but I am not out of it.”

    background, for two years while he was saying this along with how unhappy he was (i had not discovered CL yet and did not know cheater talk…plus i loved and trusted him!!) and i thought it was just a reoccurance of his depression. however during this time ‘he was not in or out of the marriage’, he was serving daily shit sandwiches (my laundry list of human flaws…) and having sex with his girlfriend. his cake talk-shit sandwich combo was so “filling” that when discovery happened, i believed his affair was my fault!

    by the way, the first time he said ‘I love you but I am not in love with you” (26 years into our relationship..) I said, um, yeah. that’s…marriage. so let’s work on getting the spark back. he did, but not with me.

    i am not at the point yet of saying he is her problem now. i am still healing. also hoping and planning on getting to Meh!!

  • After I intercepted a sexy (use the term very loosely) good night voice mail from the MOW that he works with…with who, of course, the affair ended months ago…his explanation was: “she must have misconstrued something I said at work today…” It came with the familiar vacant stare…my answer…”oh yes…that happens to me all the time…a guy at work ‘misconstrues’ what I said to him and he calls wanting to f*ck me that evening”…that old chestnut…I get it…

    I went no contact that very night!!

  • Some good ones from my treasure chest. Thanks for the laughs, douchebag!

    “Well, you stopped giving me blow jobs after we got married”

    About OW who is also a sex addict: “she drove me crazy—she talked non-stop. She was photogenic, but she had hairs on her chin! But she always told me I was her favorite because I had the biggest p*nis”.

    “One acting out partner actually made me get her strawberries and champagne at the hotel!!, can you imagine?” No I can’t. And, hmmm, maybe she had seen Pretty Women, sucker.

    Coming home after a MC session he proclaimed “Oh come on. We both know I will have sex again. Maybe not with you, but I will have sex again. That’s just human.”

    Why don’t you just forgive me so we can move on? All the other guy’s wives in group therapy have forgiven them and they tell the guys they love them all the time! You haven’t told me you love me since the day you found out!!!” (about my 21 years of cheating, which “includes at least 100 partners, but I really can’t remember, so that seems a good guess”).

    Don’t you want to be the recipient of the ‘good me’ now after all my therapy, or do you want another women to enjoy me getting better?

    And, a favorite I cannot claim as my own, but it happened to a dear friend who was married over 30 years—-Him: “you mean this whole time we have been married, you haven’t been with anyone else but me???!!”

  • When I said I wouldn’t try unless there is no contact with any acting out partners, inappropriate colleagues, objects of lust, etc… and I said I was scared for myself and our kids b/c he had used his real name and boasted about where we live, etc

    He replied, “But they are my friends and good people….they would never hurt me or our family.” And later, as an afterthought, “Most of them dressed really nice, like they had money and came from good families”.

    Right, because cheaters on Craigslist never lie or do bad things.

    And, to make him feel even more validated, our therapist at the time (an abuser in her own right) said: “you shouldn’t worry about all the partners, they will scatter to the fields like mice. They don’t want to be heard from”. Obviously she never saw Fatal Attraction.

  • After telling him I wanted a separation (but before finding out about his multiple affairs) he tearfully told me “Don’t hate me if I get a girlfriend right away. I can’t survive on my own.” Cue the world’s tiniest violin.

  • “You being upset just proves how selfish you really are. If you really loved me you would want me to be happy.”
    Of course the usual “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.”
    and then when I found out he had moved in with his new target, “Personally, I have found that what seems like the worst thing that ever happened to me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.’
    I hate to admit he was right.
    Then when he tried to beg and cry his way back. “I want to help you be as successful as me. I take care of my people.” I said, “Your people?? He said well yeah the people I care about. I said “no thanks, the only thing you were successful at was hooking a rich widow I doubt she wants to help me be successful like you”.
    He put his finger up to his lips and went “ssshhh, just let things play out, you and I aren’t done yet.”
    I said, “Oh yeah. We are.”
    He said, “Well, if we can’t be friends we will never have anything and we wasted 10 years.”
    I laid down on the couch and went to sleep, in the morning I sent his new woman an email asking her to please keep him away.
    Then he wrote me a letter saying I had to get on with my life, he was never going to be there for me again, he had met the love of his life.
    Aleluya!!

    • Good for you, Carrie! Pomlad5 – amazing quotes for sure. Don’t know how in the world they come up with that stuff! Tempest – love your sense of humor!
      Hugs…www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com

  • “I can’t beieve you filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery ! I really think we could remain friends if you’d change to irreconcilable differences”

  • I have a few “good” ones.
    The OW said to me: “I told my best friend something must be awfully wrong with you. I mean, you look so nice and pretty, why else would he want to cheat on you with someone like me.” (Indeed, you should’ve seen her. Or better … not)

    When I found a gazzilion of porn in web history for the fist time: “Oh, sorry, I should’ve told you. I gave our internet password to a friend. Poor guy, he has no girlfriend, therefore he need internet girls …”

    When I found a photo of his penis in his phone that he sent to someone : “That was meant as a joke at work. We would set this photo as a screen saver for our boss.”

    When I caught him calling hotlines: I just called astrologist. Only later on she told me she can say some naughty things to me, too.”

    When I caught him masturbating: ” No, I am not masturbating. It just itches me, you must have brought me something from swimming.”

    “I didn’t cheat on you. I never fucked her, I only masturbated on her.”

    “I needed a break from work and we just had a few strolls. You cannot leave work, and she is a student, she has time.”

    “It was not an affair. She just needed some advice regarding her affair with a married man, so I comforted her. I just hugged her when she was crying, that’s all.”

  • “I felt so bad about myself for using porn, I just had to keep looking at it to understand that there are people out there who are even morally worse than me.” Speechless.

  • Over 400 comments?! This is a LOT of cake to wade through guys! 🙂 How will I ever choose? (Oh, hey, that’s a cake dilemma…) I’ll announce the winner tomorrow (Saturday)!

  • Him: I don’t understand why I can’t be friends with her (the AP). I have other female friends.”
    Me: “Have you screwed any of them while we’ve been married?”
    Him: “Well, no.”
    Me: “So, do you get it?”
    Him: “Hmmm.”