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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like… Infidelity

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holly_petraeus It’s the Christmas season — and you all know what that means, don’t you? A new crop of freshly minted chumps.

I don’t know what it is about the holidays that inspires sudden tragedy. My mom used to work as a renal dietician and every year Christmas would bum her out because half her patients died eating Christmas cookies or some other forbidden delicacy. (Kidney disease being rather unforgiving about the Wrong Sort of Diet.)

Is it me, or do people just seem to kick off around the holidays more?

Death, over spending, family get-togethers — it’s already a season packed with drama, so why not add a D-Day?

I have theories as to why so many of us discover infidelity around the holidays:

1. Shopping. Cheaters are lazy. How many people discovered receipts, which led them to uncovering affairs? Either cheaters get sloppy and leave their receipts laying around, (diamond earrings? I didn’t get diamond earrings…), or they get you the same gift they got the affair partner, or more commonly, they get you an absolutely craptacular gift or forget you all together. (GladIt’sOvers consolation wash cloth comes to mind.)

2. Affair partners get uppity. Another reason affairs are discovered at the holidays is affair partners get demanding and want togetherness during the significant holidays. It’s a bit harder to conceal a spouse at Christmas, or make up lame excuses why you can’t be with your family on Christmas Eve. (No, I have to work. Really. End of year audits. So sorry.) And scorned affair partners often like nothing more than to blow up the holidays for the schmoopie who can’t be there with them.

3. You’re actually forced to spend time around your family. Cheaters can usually juggle the double life fairly well because life is full of obligations and places to be. Except at the holidays, you’re supposed to slow down and businesses close, and people take time off, and goddamn, you have to BE together. The in-laws visit for four days, where’s a cheater supposed to take their private phone calls? Children are expecting you to actually hang out with them, and set up the Hot Wheels track. It’s harder to slip out and find excuses.

So, we all know what happens next — D-Days.

Some chump somewhere right now is finding out in some horrific way that their partner is cheating on them, and the holiday is going to be one long buffet of shit sandwiches, as they either choke down this knowledge or feign happy togetherness at the holidays.

Let’s hope they find us. And Santa brings them a new life this year. Happy, authentic holidays, chumps.

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  • Sorry for the recycled cartoon. I’m neck deep in the 12 Days of Cheater Freak Christmas cartooning (will post before the New Year, promise!) I need more xmas cartoons. Well, there is dancing Yetis..

  • It’s all so cliche isn’t it? I found out about the affair in January (6 years ago now) and did a bit of snooping. Found the receipt from the jewellers for a gold and diamond necklace (which was actually from the next affair although I didn’t know at the time there’d been more than one). They all think they’re so special and unique but really, it’s all the same tired old BS.
    To those just finding out for the first time, life is better on the other side.

  • I found out less than a week before Thanksgiving in 2010 so I got a nice helping of shit sandwiches that year. Sadly, the Chump Lady didn’t come up in any of my searches for “infidelity help” but better late than never right?

    I hate that people get ddays around the holidays but here’s to hoping that Santa can provide a little relief with Google and this website!

  • The first D-day was two weeks before our anniversary. The second was about a week before Thanksgiving. We officially separated a week after Easter, and he filed for divorce right after New Year’s. All those holidays were tainted for me for a couple of years. Thank goodness I got over it!

    • God. Easter was another for me too, when I discovered he’d sent OW a present for Easter, and was puzzled by why I would be upset. Hmmm….I wonder…..

  • I think there is another, darker and more insidious reason for holiday D-days. I think it is the cheater’s way to “pay you back” for not behaving the way he/she thinks you should behave (do what the cheater wants you to do without question). It is a special little present for the cheater to give himself. It is a form of emotional blackmail, too. “Behave yourself, or I will be forced to leave and then the children’s holiday will be ruined and it will all be YOUR fault.” or “What will your family and friends think OF YOU, if I am not there?”

    Since they have the emotional maturity of an undisciplined two year old, they love the drama of little fits, and moping around and being the center of attention. What fun for them to triangulate the OW and you, causing you both to stress out and (hopefully) do the Pick Me Dance. More selfish pleasure for Mr Cheaterpants!

    I know I am being extremely cynical, but I have noticed that holidays and birthdays and family get togethers are usually mentioned when someone tells about D-day. There has to be a connection. I believe these personality disordered demons really enjoy hurting anyone who has outlived their usefulness, or who doesn’t follow directions. It also gives them the opportunity to dramatically exit one relationship, and dramatically enter another relationship. It is too bad that the OW/OM rarely figures out that if the cheater will do this to you and his children, he will also do it to her, one day. Cruel? You bet!!!

    • YES!!! I think you hit the nail on the head with that. My ex would never ruin HIS holidays (Father’s Day or his birthday)… but he probably had fun ruining mine. Pay back right? And then the “pick me and don’t ruin the holidays for the kids” or “let’s keep this a secret until AFTER Christmas”… all while he’s triangulating all the relatives by telling them lies before we get a chance to speak the truth. That was my Christmas 2012. I was trying to keep him from his family… that’s what he said. All while he was really setting things up to get everyone on his side.

      • I finally asked my ex for a divorce in August of 2013, He hemmed and hawed and wanted to know what my rush was for getting out. He wanted me to wait until after the holidays and I complied.

        As it turns out it was just so he could set up the next sucker-who he wound up suckering when he found his way back to the original other woman who he’s been living with since like May or June. (Our divorce wasn’t even final). But the biggest reason he didn’t want me to leave before the holidays were over was so I could finish up one last online class for his bogus Bachelor’s degree..

        I should have spineless simpleton tattooed on my forehead!

    • Portia, you are 100% right. It’s all about them and a dramatic exit. The joke is on them, instead of coal for Christmas, they get to lose half their assets. Haha take that scouge’s

    • Yes, Portia, I think you hit the nail on the head. It goes along with the underlying contempt and resentment that the cheater feels for you, which always confused me, because isn’t the cheater the one acting badly and hurting you?

    • I have to agree with Portia’s observations. I was just thinking about how I used to share my hopes and dreams with ex who was noncommittal about them with me, only to discover he “borrowed” them and made them his along with the ho-worker, his new wife. He doesn’t have an authentic thought in his head! He just twists it all around to make it look like it was his idea.
      I just can’t decide if he really is that diabolical or I’m giving him too much credit and he just has his overly inflated disordered narcissistic head up his arse so far its too dark for him to see reality!
      Either way I am forever grateful I found Tracy and this site to help me work through the pain and betrayal of 30+ years with a narc and be able to see there is a better life waiting ahead, I just need to keep walking forward one step at a time.

      • Oh! The lack of originality! Mine “borrowed” SO many ideas, thoughts, favorite things of mine that it’s almost as if he stepped into my identity in order to impress the new woman! I guess I should take that as a weird compliment.

        My New Year’s traditions (which he’d never heard of prior to me), my favorite music, including a famous musician friend, even my best friend and her husband and their home and accomplishments….photos of them! with me standing next to them edited out….WTF? Did he imagine the day would ever come when he would be welcome at their house with his new true love?

        Even jokes or interesting tidbits I sent him in email. He cut and pasted and sent them along to her ASAP. She was so impressed with his fount of knowledge, she said. LOL!

        But worse than all the examples of that sort of thing, I remember that someone on here had been trying to conceive with their husband, and had a baby name lovingly picked out in hope. His affair partner got pregnant with no difficulty – and he gave that child the special name. Ugh. No sensitivity, no awareness or no heart.

  • Yep, my ex first admitted to an affair day after my birthday. After a year of counseling, tears and I’m-sorry-I’ll-never-do -it-agains….thought last Christmas was the best ever…even said so many chumpy times. December 27th he revealed he slept with a friend of mine right before our 20th anniversary that November! Been a tough year, but bought a house on Mother’s Day, and looking forward to 2015!

  • For me it was my birthday. I’ve noticed here that is quite common. My girl friend found out about hers about 8 weeks ago when her husband of some 30 years took off with a gf from 30 years ago. He killed himself 10 days ago….just in time for Christmas! It’s not even my story but boy did it hit some trigger points. What fuckwits they truly are!

    • Birthday for me too. My ex always sucked at doing anything special for my birthday. So nice of him to make my last birthday with him completely sucktackular.

      • My ex served me with divorce papers, on my birthday, in front of my then 5-yearg-old son. Because I wouldn’t eat the shit sandwich.

    • Sure do hope your friend’s husband had a good insurance policy that named her as beneficiary and that did NOT exclude suicide.

  • Always around Xmas for my cheater Three years after d day. And cheater decides to bring out the mistress he has hidden for years two days before Xmas. Every child fighting. Trying to and succeeding in ruining another holiday!

  • Yep, found out a year ago last Friday after seeing an email for a watch he already bought me. It was for his whore for Christmas. Same watch he bought me for Mothers Day earlier that year. He never gave it to her. HE actually broke it into a million pieces one night in a rage. The jig was up. Could you imagine, “whore, I can’t give you your Christmas present I bought for you because my WIFE found out about it” She’s with him now and I’m FREE of the lies and deceit. Best Christmas gift EVER!!

    • BBC – I can’t say that I found a gift that was the exact same (LAME!!), but I did find a stash of about 25 Shmoopie Cards from the married whore-worker to my STBXH in the storage compartment of his truck on Christmas Eve last year. One of them even said, “To My Husband…” What fucking morons! I bet that particular card gave him his gross bent hard-on. Crooked – just like his serial-cheating character.

      But in similar fashion to your f-tard, I also found a sappy bullshit card that he bought that whore, and that he wrote out, and didn’t even finish! LOL!! Lame as hell!! The bullshit & sparkles he wrote to that whore (& that she believes!) was THE SAME bullshit he would write to me year-after-23-years in all his cards to me. Turns out, every cheater isn’t as “special” or “unique” as they believe themselves to be, and the “soulmate” bullshit is tired, played out, and is as common as their cheating and their evel of suck. Us Chumps just had to find out the freakin’ hard way, and then believed it only after we’re done with all the spackle jobs.

      Stupid f-tards. All of them.

  • Years ago, Christmas was the first time I noticed that something strange was up with my husband (at the time), although D-Day did not come for another four months. All the tasks, my STBX was regularly in charge of during the holidays were either done late, badly or not at all. The lights were put up late, the Christmas tree fell down twice because he grudgingly refused to buy a new stand, there was no joy in buying the kids’ gifts, his siblings received no presents, and Christmas dinner was a desultory affair. I have no memory of what he gave me that year. He left shortly after dinner, claiming he needed to see a patient, even though I knew he was not on call. Came home with a ruddy glow, whistling a little tune and clicking his heels. Somebody made his wishes come true and it wasn’t Santa.

  • My STBX and I started dating at Christmas time 32 years ago. We got engaged Christmas Eve 27 years ago. First DDay was 6 years ago when I found that OW’s address and phone number in his address book as I was making Christmas card address labels. Just to keep things tidy, I informed my STBX that I was done with the marriage in December this year. Merry Christmas to me!

    • Damn–I was hoping you’d have told him that you were all done sending the Christmas cards this year, and that you’d innocently sent her one, as well, with a picture of your FAMILY tucked inside, all smiles. Not that she’d care what she had a hand in destroying–the innocence of children, and what a legacy these whores leave on this earth, eh?–but it sure would have sparked a jealous rage within her.

      • Oh she is looong gone Miss Sunshine. She started asking his advice on her daughter and making him listen to her family drama and that was the end of her! He just wanted the skanky romance not the skanky reality. Ha ha. I did put together a Christmas letter this year which conspicuously did not mention STBX. That’s my revenge – living well and happily without him.

  • Besides getting lazy, I think holidays might put more pressure on what is left of the cheater’s shredded conscience. Mine called me on Thanksgiving Eve on a feigned fit of nostalgia. Then she unloaded murdering my chumpy hope it had “only” been another emotional affair. Nope. Sexual, it was. And she had lied for MONTHS vehemently about that after my confrontation in the summer. Then I remember her telling me her cheating wasn’t why she was divorcing me. Really? Talk about arrogance. Now, I enjoy my holidays with my new family cheater free. Best way to celebrate 😉

  • My XH started his affair around Christmas. In fact Skank Woman was acting all weird at the company Christmas party. We were waiting in line for drinks at the porta bar and she was standing behind us being all wiggly and giggly and i actually wondered about it but she was super ugly and I just didn’t think my XH would fuck around on me so I dismissed the whole thing. Haha on me. He WAS about to fuck her if he hadn’t already. They were certainly playing footsies according to the emails I found later.

    Fast forward a few years. I looked at my bank statement yesterday and he had deposited $2500 in it for Christmas. I’m sure she’d like that a lot if she knew. Looks like she got herself a cheater but it works for me. It’s Tuesday, right?

  • My DDay did not feature any particular holiday, but I did have a team of competitive derby roller-skaters–really great tough broads! staying at my house. Black and blue, and covered in tattoos.

    I didn’t know any of them–friends of a friend of my daughter…but I made a giant pot of chili, passed out the Ibuprofen like candy (they had come from a derby) and thanked the good Lord that although my marriage was doomed, my hot water heater held out.

    Meanwhile I think I swallowed valium like they were taking the Advil.

    In several years hindsight, I wish I had told them what was up, I’ll bet they ass-whupped the ever loving shit out my (now) Ex. I was too much in shock to do much of anything.

  • Oh CL, you know these cheaters all too well! My first D-Day was while pregnant with my youngest daughter right before my birthday. Six years later, my second and final D-Day was New Years Eve2012/day 2013 and it was just that…schmoopie wanted to be with him to ring in the new year. She texted and called all night. I saw so many red flags leading to this day, I sometimes want to kick myself. Anyways, I kept my calm but as soon as my guests were gone I let it all out! I spent the next three months in horrible pain, among other things and literally thought I would die from a broken heart. I found this blog in March 2013 and never looked back!!!

    Two years out…I’m living the life I never thought I would: happy and healthy on the other side with my three daughters! We just moved in to our new house and we’ll spend the next two weeks unpacking and making new memories!

    Oh and as a christmas present to myself, I got my first tattoo!!! I love it!

    Here’s to a new life…live and learn dear friends and it really is better in the other side! Hugs to all!!!

    • Hey, TodoVa, I got a tat , also… Mine is Mehitabel the cat, and her song (by Don Marquis) includes this verse:

      “i know that i am bound
      for a journey down the sound
      in the midst of a refuse mound
      but wotthehell wotthehell
      oh i should worry and fret
      death and i will coquette
      there s a dance in the old dame yet”

      It was the “dance in the old dame yet” that convinced me! I love her very much. My Ex was always *talking* about getting ink, but he was and is too much of a chicken, the perpetual wanna-be.

      Getting Mehitabel was one way of affirming myself.

      • I went to the Cats play twice by myself when it was still playing in DC, I totally love that play and all the songs. Cool tattoo girlfriend!

        And you rock TodoVa!

      • Awesome namedforvera! Love the lyrics and hell yeah…we’ve got some dance left in us, for sure. I’m no dancer, by any means, but I’ll be damned if my Mexican roots don’t kick in and do some sort of dance.

        My exH was always too much of a chicken as well…what a pair of wusses, to say the least.

  • Two years ago my daughter got married, she lives three hours away. We planned for almost a year. The husband was AWOL at the reception. Has no memory of the toast, the garter, the cake. Is in very few of the pictures. Should have realized he was involved with OW but was too busy and emotional to connect the dots. He managed to keep his secret life for 13 months that I know of, thanks to the cell phone, talking and texting daily. He started behaving like a real ass, they have to do that to relieve their conscience, if they have one. So you become the bad guy and what they were doing is justified. Merry Christmas to me!

  • Yes, I was thinking of this same thing last night while out on the street. I was thinking about how many spouses are getting introduced to affair partners at holiday parties this week, and won’t know anything for a few more months. Pathetic.

    • Yes, and think of all the poor unknowing chumps who smugly think it could never happen to them while their loving spouse is busy texting in the bathroom.
      No wonder January is peak time for marriage councelling and divorce lawyers.

      • Super true for me. The NYE that I didn’t know about his affair yet, he spent texting his ow from the bathroom as well as (I’m guessing) right in front of me, because he has so many friends that I’d never know the difference. I found out by talking with his ow after dday, that many things like buying us both the same gift on the same holiday or texting us both at the same time, happened pretty regularly. I was SO trusting sometimes and you know MY relationship was special and my husband was NOT the cheating or lying type! LOLOLOL.

        • I know someone exactly like you were in the past. She is so trusting, that right now she is in denial, after finding out a few days ago that her husband was cheating on her.

          I can understand that this kind of news is very shocking, but what helped you, for example, see the truth? What convinced you that he was cheating on you? What makes someone like you open the eyes and see the truth?

  • I found out this year, after 4th of July. While I was celebrating the 4th of July with my family in Vegas, she was celebrating it with the affair partner in SF. :/ the thing is that she has me convinced that they only started seeing each other around 4th of July-july 12th ( when I got back and was given the news that she “love me but like him to much to let him go.”). Anytime before that, she claimed they had no feelings for each other, they were just co-workers. I’m not sure anymore if that’s true and is freaking bugging me not knowing if they had anything before those two weeks. :/

    • Bea, they most probably did. They lie and it is crazy-making. It no longer matters to me when or how it started just that it did. The truth is as elusive as the end of a rainbow.

      • Thank you Mary, I think you’re right! :/ I hope one day I’m like you in which it doesn’t matter when it started, but just that it did.

        Bea

    • So true, Mary. I, too, will never know when it started (which bothered me immensely), but I do know when I ended my unwilling triangulation, my pick me dance, and my trust of my lying POS XH.

  • My 2nd dday was the day after Christmas as we drove 900 miles back home after spending it with his family. He had assured me he was no contact with his slut after the first dday 2 mos earlier. Long drive home, that was. Kicked him out as soon as we walked in the door. Merry Merry to me this year.

  • Two days before Dday, we attended my family holiday party. My uncle is a top divorce attorney. Ex cornered him for at least an hour, wanting to get all sorts of information about alimony/child support. He claimed this info was for his sister (she wasn’t getting divorced), although he told my uncle she has two children (she has three) and surprise, surprise, his OW has two kids. The moment we got home, ex said he was going to walk the dog, didn’t want me to go along. He was on that walk for two hours, obviously talking to the OW about what he’d found out from my uncle. He did the same “dog walk” the next night, and then Dday was the following afternoon while we sat in a coffee shop. It was two weeks before Christmas.

    He moved out the next day, but then moved back in on Christmas Eve, saying that legally I could not prevent him from doing so (he was correct about that.) Apparently someone had told him that if he hoped to keep the house, he needed to stay put.

    Ex always claimed afterwards that he was NOT pumping my uncle for info for his OW, he insisted it was really for his sister. He actually got angry that my family believed otherwise. Oh well, my uncle’s firm represented me when I divorced that loser, and he never did end up with that OW.

    Still, the holidays are still tainted for me.

    • Glad – oh, he must have thought he was so sneaky and snarky to pump your uncle for info like that. Nobody will think these questions are odd; I’m so clever! Hope your uncle stuck it to him, and good.

    • Glad – man you just hit a trigger! Before I knew of the affair he would occasionally say he was going to walk the dog and then be gone for a long time. When he would come back I’d ask where he had been and he told me “he got lost”. In our neighborhood, that we have lived in for 20 years. And I bought that shit. Actually laughed with my friends that he was such a moron that he could get lost in our neighborhood. Now I realize that he was either talking to Schmoopie or one of his other back up plans. Can’t believe I didn’t even think about this until you said it.

      • Yep. Your ex was talking to someone he didn’t want you to know about. The poor dog was just the excuse.

        Prior to those two evening dog walks before Dday, my ex had NEVER wanted to walk the dog without me. And then walking for a couple hours….. I knew something was going on.

      • My POS used taking the children to the park as an excuse to call whoever he had a hardon for at the time. We had no dogs that needed walking.

  • Last year,

    22 Nov. I put STBX out after 14 yr old son confides seeing homosexual porn on fathers phone.

    1 Dec. STBX confesses to being sexually active for 8 years. Despite being OTT about being faithful all of that time.

    Christmas Day. STBX Takes the kids for the first time overnight since seperation and returns them late Boxing Day happily knowing I would be by myself as I have no other family. I lost my father a month before Christmas many yrs ago. And my mother disowned me 20yrs ago due to her mental health issues.

    I was then further blown out of the water when our youngest was diagnosed with leukaemia on new yrs day. Yep the holidays sucked last year.

    This year. The kids negotiated that they will go with him for a few hours Christmas night and nothing more.
    I think it is time to move on and make new memory’s.

    Merry Christmas to Chumps every where. Stay strong and stay safe.

    • Thankful – 26 November last year for me. My kids have agreed to go to his for Xmas Eve but want to have proper Christmas with me. Christmas shopping and preparation was so much better this year without his grizzling and trumping although this evening will be weird.

      Absolutely time to move on and make new memories. Best wishes to you and your kids – you are a mighty mama-bear.

    • My DDay was November 22 last year–I found his Facebook page (he who hated FB) with his MOW as the only friend. He had been telling me for weeks he was “too busy” to talk or text, using his father’s passing as an excuse (which still strikes me as about as low as he could go), but he had time to start up a FB page so the two of them could communicate without it showing on her phone, for which she no doubt shares a plan with husband and three kids. The first day I suspected something wrong–my birthday, because he brought no gift and wouldn’t spend the night. Had to get back to Mommy’s house so he could text his married girlfriend. The holidays were such an effort last year, everything done with a totally broken heart. But I was determined even then to build a great big life, and this year I am reaping the benefits of all that effort, as I am now in the second year of my new traditions and they feel so good. A happy holiday season to all chumps.

    • Good God, Thankful! I hope your son is doing well. Talk about the trifecta! Hugs to you this Christmas Eve.

  • DDay was two years ago the day after Christmas. He introduced my daughter to the MOW on my birthday. They got married secretly on Easter, and now- just announced their new baby on the way. Merry Christmas. I think my holidays should be awesome here on out.

    • Can’t-Believe-I’m-A-Chump – oh wow, that was a beautiful song and heartbreaking scene. Just streaming tears throughout it. How true for so many. This will be my first Xmas alone for the first time in my 58 years.

      • This will be my first Christmas after my divorce. I was married 33 years. I wondered about the stupid gifts I received last year. I’m sure MOW got better gitfs. Its been hard and very depressing. I know I should be grateful I found out the truth but it so hard knowing I was replaced. MOW was a secretary who he has known for 15 years. My grown daughters and I had to do some digging to find out the truth of the affair. He finally came clean about it but did a ton of lying to all our faces before getting caught in his lies. Its so depressing to see all the Christmas love stories and commercials. This is the first year I cant wait for Christmas to get over. I’m definitely a chump.

        • It’s not to late to go out and buy yourself a great gift, something great and meaningful. Being betrayed is a horrible thing, but you know something about your X that MOW doesn’t, because she’s busy spackling over his lies to and betrayal of you. It’s not easy to be aware you are alone at the holidays for the first time, but it is better than being alone and not knowing it. You keep hanging in there–try to establish a new tradition or two, even if it is just going for a walk on Christmas morning.

          • Wow. Had to sit with that LAJ. “Better than being alone and not knowing it”. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas my STBXH of 35 years was drinking way more than I had ever seen him. He was moody, depressed, moping around and picking fights with me. I got craptacular gifts. I collect Egyptian Revival antiques, and he got me a piece of cheap King Tut Jewelry on eBay. For my Jan 2nd birthday he went in hafsies with our oldest son on a $50 soldering iron. DDay january 19th. Realize in hindsight that OW must have broken up with him over the holidays. I’m sure whatever bs he is telling her didn’t jibe with being with his wife and kids for all of our holiday festivities. This is the 13th year for the Christmas Eve party at our house with our very dear neighbors and their extended family, followed at their house by the Christmas Day preparation and roasting of a suckling pig and holiday feast. My 2 sons 18 and 26 don’ t understand why their father is not welcome at the neighbors bonfire for nightcaps after “mom goes to bed” to hang with the 20 somethings into the wee hours. Although it’s just like him to sneak in under cover of darkness, I explained that Dad has lost the privilege of enjoying any part of our Traditions. They can spend any part of the holiday with him, just not on my turf. It’s called a boundary. Those a very new around here…gonna take a little getting used to.

          • I feel your pain. My ex. married his OW and they live in MY freakin’ house. I picked it out and it was the house I had worked my whole life for. After he left, I could not afford it by myself and it was 500 miles from my closest family so I moved back to my home state and he moved back in. It has been 4 years since D-day and he has not paid me for my half of the house. I will be seeing an attorney this Christmas break. Lucky for me, the house has increased 25% in value since he left. He is such a prick. Oh, they travel the world together too. That was something I had always wanted to do and he knew it. That lady has no idea what she signed up for. I would not be surprised after she gets her American citizenship he’s going to be single again.

      • Same for me! Mine ran off to be with his Schmoopie! Almost 41 years of marriage and he finds “Twu wuv” on the internet! This is a man who is almost 60 years old and a OW who is in her 50’s and menopausal! Hope they can sustain the “fantasy” romance, but I doubt it! He may want to start thinking about what assets he will be losing come January cause I’m finished with him and his childish fantasy! All I care about right now is that I am with the family we created and he gets to stare at her ugly mug! Merry Christmas A-hole!

  • Last Christmas was awful. We had been separated for a month, not because of DDay but because he was acting like an asshole for several months and I couldn´t take it any more and asked hime to leave but I never imagined an affair or even wanted a divorce. He would show up at the family Christmas parties and act like if nothing was going on. And then after a week long family trip for New Years, where we went as a family and we slept together, he told me he was going on a work trip in January for 15 days. I caught his big fat lie the night before the trip with his whore. He still went on the trip and thought that I would forgive him when he came back because he was going to “break up with her”! Honestly? You break up with someone for two weeks? !!! He thought I was an idiot, but those were the best two weeks for seeing a psychologist, consulting lawyers, moving out his crap, getting the money issues clear! I even lost 15 pounds! And this was all before I discovered Chump Lady. Fast forward to this Christmas, we are not yet completely divorced, but almost. He is broke and my life is so completely better without him. Being cheater-free is the best gift of all! And I KNOW 2015 will be awesome!

    • You rock Chimpita.
      Right now I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in two or three days. Christmas done. But not to be.

      I am looking forward to afar better 2015.

    • Omg Chumpita! ((Hugs)). I found out the day before his vaca with OW too! He still left for that plane to go to her. While away he text me often. Said he was sorry he hurt me but he “needed” this, why can’t I let him be happy, then to please forgive him, he begged, saying he had to “close a door” with her, and then he planned to be with me forever. During that awful time his prev OW introduced herself to me, taunted me for stbx running out on me and claiming she was his one twue wuv and BFF. I all but lost my mind. I was the gullible spackeling back flipping love dumb chump before that. He could dance his way out of anything with me. He would seduce, confuse and manipulate. It’s sad these parasites exist.

      • Seeing Red; “It’s sad these parasites exist.”
        And prey on those with child like goodness & generosity.
        I have always noticed that also Chumps tend to be quite successful at what they do, from student, to SAHM, to major breadwinner, but can’t think of one who seemed materialistic. (trying to keep what is yours does not count!)
        I can’t help but think what Cheaters will find out about the character of the ones who will cheat with them.
        I guess this is the karmic justice.
        The one my ExH went with was just trying to drain his bank account it became clear. Probably about as capable of love as he was/is.

  • I was doing well but have been struck by the Xmas Blues…he is travelling tomorrow to spend the holiday with OWs relatives and spent time with our grown kids tonight in lieu of not seeing them over Xmas itself.
    When he dropped off the son who still lives with me he came into the house when there was really no need and I did not expect to see him…wanted to wish me good Xmas and had son pass on a small card to me.
    It has set me back sisters…I know…that old devil called hopium. The guy is choosing to go spend the Xmas holiday with the folks of his OW and away from his own flesh and blood and tiny grand kid. I will NOT relapse into chumpdom by reading meaning into such a feeble little gesture…ooh, he must care deep down. He wrote me a little card from the bumper box…he must be missing me…maybe I should have offered coffee when he came in uninvited.
    He is going to be pulling crackers with her folks, eating their turkey, accepting their gifts and, if it snows, re-acting the snow scene from Love Story now she comes first. I get a little card and his kids get him for a few hours on the 23rd!
    I am remembering Xmases past when we were still a family even though they were often fraught with deception. 35 years is a long time.
    Please someone who is in a stronger frame of mind tell me what I need to hear…I feel weak and ashamed to be having this moment and have to keep it from the family. I want to cry and rip his poxy little card to shreds but its on the shelf with all the rest for their sake.
    They hurt too. We all have to be grown up and move on…blah, blah, blah.
    Just when you are coping something small and silly can set you back and make you want to cry when you are clean out of tears.

    • Mary – big teary hugs for you. I got a short email from my X just a minute ago, wishing me a Merry Christmas. He was on the train to go the 900 miles to be back with his family – a trip we used to take many times together over the last 35 yrs – celebrating with champagne and treats in the sleep car. Yeah – chumpy me, took it like he meant it. (since I never got a b’day, T-day or any other greeting this year) I was doing well until then, now I’m as blue as can be and getting darker. This holiday can be the absolute shits. I am alone for the first time in my 58 yrs and he just walzes away for mama to take care of him. I am stuck because I have big dogs at home. However, I am pushing myself to get out – and will not turn down one invitation from friends/neighbors. Tonight, tomorrow and even Xmas day – I’m doing pizza for the stragglers. It’s really hard to move on. Please know there are so many of us out here feeling just like you do.

      Squeezing your hand in strength {}{}{} And, try pushing – maybe it’s comparable to having kids, I don’t know as I never had them. But someday, these bulging emotions will pass, I know it.

      • Thanks SheChump…sounds like we are the same age and got married around the same time. We have got through these moments before so I guess this too will pass…I love that little saying.

        • Chumps, I have a friend whose husband told her he was leaving, left immediately and she was blindsided. She told me it was the best thing he could have done for her. She thought they had a good marriage but after he left she realized her whole 25 year marriage was about what he needed. She found tons of friends and her sense of humor. Do NOT spend the day by yourselves. Go help feed the poor. Walk the dogs at the animal shelter. Find a VA hospital and visit soldiers. Your self worth should never be his to shatter. My friend became a beloved member of her community because she had the time, finally, to put her skills to work for other people. He, on the other hand, married again and told my friend it was the second worse decision of his life. The first one was leaving her but by then she was all about Tuesday and meh.

          • I agree with this so much. I don’t have money right now. I’m alone in a city I moved to for work a few months before my 2nd dday (last dday, we’re finished now). He was supposed to move here next year after his current contract was up. Now, I’m single, living in a new city with no friends or family, feeling insecure about forming new friendships due to self-esteem crap from this betrayal trauma. Anyway, this Thanksgiving I delivered gift bags of 99cent store items. It went so well that I did the same thing for Christmas. I delivered them this morning – I feel happy and loved today, even though I just got the another very sad patch a few days ago. Life is so much bigger than these liars and cheaters. I adore love and relationships, but there’s a feeling like no other, even love, that comes from helping someone who cannot help themselves. It’s a fulfillment like no other. When you help someone (or animals) who can’t help themselves, you realize your personal involvement of good spirit here on Earth and everything takes on a deeper meaning. Being the good feeling for someone or an animal can turn your entire day and your focus right around into an amazing day. I hope you find something to turn your mood around today, whatever feels good to you.

    • Oh my darling mary. He is being a right royal shit! He is playing games with your tender loving chumpy heart! First of all, trying to keep you hoping, so that if it doesn’t work out with th OW, he can walk back into your arms. Secondly, he is devaluing you, everyone else gets the (dubious) priveleges of his prescence, gifts, blah blah blah and you get this tiny little card. Thirdly, he is bulldozing your boundaries to see what he can get away with, coming into your house, (will she tell me to get out or will she be NICE ) Fourthly, he is wanting kibbles, cake, pick me, ALL of it! Please remember the unbearable pain this horrible man has caused you. He is not worth another minute of your time, he did not deserve your love, kindness and attention and he most certainly does not deserve them now. You deserve better! Give yourself the gift of a happy peaceful NC Christmas and new year. Hugs to you, you are mighty!

      • Thanks, that helped as he did not get kibbles. I was polite, unemotional, and reminded him of the paperwork I need to divorce his sorry ass! I will have my family close on Xmas day and see the face of my little grandkid open her stuff while he spends the day with near strangers. If they have reached the stage of whose folks should take centre stage for the holidays then maybe they are past that rolling in the snow thing anyway.

    • Mary, three years later, I just received an email from my ex – filled with the words I once desperately wanted to hear. It sounded as if he had finally come to his senses and recognized the crime he had committed against me. It was short but spoke remorse. We were divorced a year ago January and d-day was in January of 2011. Once upon a time I would have fallen at his feet – deeply addicted to hopium and terrified of living without him. (even though I knew by that time he was the poster child for disfunction). I ran it through the bullshit translator in record time: I have broken up with my schmoopie (wife replacement) and I need you to triangulate to keep my numerous office affairs exciting. It was a transparently covert plea for cake. I was so glad (finally, finally) to know that I will never have to engage in his perverse and purposeful “see what a good man I really am” decimation of my soul again. It takes time. But one day you will come to the place where you rejoice at having escaped him. My wish for all chumps is that it will come soon.

    • You handled him well, Mary. He is under the mistaken impression that he is so very important to you, and, in a gesture of pity for the love-starved you, has thrown you a bone, in the form of a card, as he waltzes away.
      But remember, he sucks. They all suck. He is not CAPABLE of loving you, nor anyone else for that matter. What he’s after is excitement and being important to this next thing. But that woman doesn’t matter to him, for he is dysfunctional.
      If I had my way, you would never allow him into your home, because your home is YOURS, not his. This would be sure to raise ire–how DARE you claim your own space?? But you must form strict boundaries for your own sake, not just with him, but with all people. YOU decide who is worthy to enter your home, your space, your time, and nobody else. And I can tell you right now, he is NOT worthy.
      He is not an honorable man, not patient, not kind. He is self-absorbed, without integrity, without loyalty–not even to his own flesh and blood. A good man would never choose anyone over his own kids, bar maybe their mother, his wife. He is not that man.
      You hang in there, and give this time. Resolve to claim more personal space, and to protect it without fear, without equivocation, but with certainty that you are worthy and that you and only you decide your boundaries. Work to make that instinctive. Work to make it silly of him to think that he decides anything for you. YOU decide for you.

      Big hugs! Throw that card away. It’s dirty.

      • Mary,

        Got a shredder? Put the card in it and let ‘er rip. It will feel cathartic.

        I did that to a couple of my cheater’s pictures he left hanging around and our marriage certificate too!

        NC is the best way to feel safe and unemotional. Too bad he did the sneak attack. That card was NOT for or about you. He wants to feel better about something.

        Hope you can put his insensitive gesture behind you and enjoy the season with authentic friends and family.

        Happy holidays!

      • Mary, all I can do is send you strength for this and the trust and faith that next year, this will have faded a bit from an f’ing nightmare to merely a bad dream. My only salvation besides Chump Lady is reading everything I can get my hands on about disordered personalities.

        I have come to the conclusion that I created (not him) a pretty good life for the kids, myself and did what I could to shape the cow flop I married into a relatively recognizable family participant. Dad seems too strong a term here. But as you read, you will start to see that he, at his core, is a cow flop, disordered, a shapeless, stinky mess. That is what he is and will always be… As you read you will be better able to understand the disfunction in his family that created him. All of that will coalesce into an understanding that you never really had a partner, that he showed signs of disorder all through the marriage. This kind of stuff doesn’t appear overnight.

        And as you come to that place, you will trust your peace, trust in your values and the people who love and support you. It will get better I promise you. Trust… Trust he sucks and always will and trust that you are a warm ,compassionate, loving, kind person who brings good into the world for every person you meet. Merry Christmas to you… and take joy in that sweet grand baby… as we know… they do not stay that way for very long.

        • You are so right….the first time I heard him lie with ease it was to his mother so he could get out of visiting his folks. The truth would have done but he fabricated a convoluted story without missing a beat. I should have taken note.
          His family of origin was founded on secrets and lies and the signs were all there all along.
          I still wonder if he has morphed into an honest and loving partner to OW though he lied to her for years about big things.

          • My ex. lied right through his teeth to his mother. On what turned out to be D-day, I rolled out of bed and drove my daughter to school. I got half-way home and he called me on my cell phone and told me to meet him at a park around the corner from the house. He shoved a business card for a divorce attorney in my face and said he was leaving to next day for Taiwan (OW lived there), i later discovered. Told me he never should have gotten married. This after we had been married for 20 years. I beat the stupid SOB to the bank and took a sizable amount of cash out and opened an account somewhere else. He went to the bank 2 hours later and WHAMO! He didn’t have enough money to go to freakin’ Taiwan. So, he stole $1,000 of our son’s high school graduation gift money and then called his mother and lied to her and said we needed money for bills and she wired him $2,000. Pitiful.
            I am glad to be rid of him. In the past 4 years since D-day, I finished raising my daughter and this past summer, at age 46, I started back to college. Both kids are in college too! I have taken 6 courses so far and I have a 4.00 GPA! YEAH! I just made the Dean’s list and the President’s honor roll. I won’t that sorry bastard rain on my parade. I just keep gettin’ better. I am going to get a master’s degree in a high demand field and I will never have to worry about supporting myself.

            • Gini – you’re awesome, and your education will be SO worth the effort and struggle you’re going through now. I – unknowingly – was working on my last two semesters of my master’s (4.0, like you!) while f-tard was busy cheating on me while I was up till 1-2 a.m. reading & writing papers. I found him out 4 months post master’s graduation, and the fucker had THE NERVE during mediation to say, “And I was with our daughter all the while you spent all those hours reading & writing…” YEAH!! Because working on something to better myself and my family’s earning potential is SO EQUAL to him using his time (& my distraction) for schemeing, lying, and adultery. Asswipe even was texting the whore IN FRONT OF OUR DAUGHTER while I was in my room writing papers. Fucker.

              What I can tell you is just stay focused on the end goal. You’ll look back at all these accomplishments and honors and know without any doubt, that you’re more mighty than you EVER thought possible. But, also consider other smaller goals you’d like to check off your “ass-kickin’ list” when you’re done with that master’s. NOTHING is going to hold you back from now on, and most especially, not the freaking dead weight of that f-tard you’ve rid yourself of. LOL! You win! xox!

              • KibbleFree Mighty_Me, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I have proven some things to myself since I started back to college. I was last in school 22 years ago. I can tell Ralph Malph to move over because, “I still got it!!” HAHA!
                My ex. is cruising around in a new BMW and he is unaware that an attorney is going to be looking him up to enforce a 4 year old Judge’s order for him to pay me for half of the house. If anything happens to him before this is settled, his whore/wife can pack her shit and get the hell out of my house!!
                I am excited about furthering my education. I am really enjoying being in school again and it’s pretty fun making the highest grades in the class! One thing I can clearly say is that our ex’s suck and we don’t!!

      • Miss Sunshine – great advice!! For Mary, and all of us Chumps! Remember they SUCK! And they are NOT kind, good, or people of any sort of integrity – AT ALL. And these a-holes will lie – obviously – at all costs. That includes the BS they write in cards they think will manipulate you in to doing/thinking what they need at the time.

        Remember what Maya Angelou said: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them; the first time.”

        Cheaters suck!!

        Love to all of you Chumps this Christmas & New Year’s. Stay mighty & on kibble alert! 😉

      • Miss Sunshine, your words really spoke to me, “Resolve to claim more personal space, and to protect it without fear, without equivocation, but with certainty that you are worthy and that you and only you decide your boundaries.” Thank you

        • Wow, Ms. Sunshine – those are great words of wisdom to end the year of 2014, and to start anew in 2015. Thank you so very much, and Merry Christmas to everyone here. Kudos Carmen for getting such an awesome AND useful gift from your son, Damien. I wish that you all receive the desires of your heart, knowing that you matter. Hugs…www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com

    • Mary, remember first of all what he is: a cheater.You had years of holidays “fraught with deception.” He’s spending the holidays with his Schmoopie and her family, his own kids pushed to the side. So whatever gesture he makes, see it in the context of WHO HE IS.

      Note also that he gave the card to your son to give to you–so he is manipulating his son, and through his son, manipulating you. And he uses the pretext of dropping off his son to cross what should be your boundaries. So that is, all around, bad behavior dressed up as “being nice.” Again, we’re back to who he is.

      More important, though–what do you deserve in this life? You want this guy back? After years of deception? Seems to me that you are mourning not the cheating jackass you were married to but the family you built with your effort; you are mourning your hopes and dreams. And once again, bad form on his part to stir that up for you at the holidays in order to look like a “nice guy” and grab a few kibbles by seeing your heart hoping a little again. What he did was not at all nice. It’s also likely that he is just checking on whether he can still pull a few ego kibbles out of contact with you.

      The only way out is through. You’ll mourn as long as you need to. But while you are doing that, you must also do things that build you up. I would say taking that card down and throwing it away would be a start. After the holidays, it’s not likely he will be around, but decide now how you want to handle such boundary incursions when they come up again. Tell your grown son not to be an intermediary and be honest that it sets your recovery back if your X comes to the house. It won’t kill your kids to know that you are hurting. No need to slam their dad; just set your boundary. And what a way to teach your son how painful and destructive infidelity is.

      Even at this late hour, make one little new tradition for you. Have a drink at midnight. Put $20 in a Salvation Army kettle. Buy a candle, light it, and say a prayer in every room. (I do that on the solstice.) Get on the computer and order something you really want. The other day, I stopped at a local antique shop, a nice place with reasonable prices, and saw that it had a nice collection of vintage jewelry. Or just buy a dozen roses and put them in a vase. Make pancakes in the morning and have bacon! Whatever works for you.

      • LAJ, those are great ideas!
        We have to take excellent care of ourselves now, and we deserve it!
        One of my friends keeps telling me – Treat yourself!
        I love the prayers said around your house, that is a nice tradition I will adopt. I like going to look at the lights downtown, and around the local lake. It’s so beautiful, even if you’re alone, and I always try to think grateful thoughts while I enjoy them!
        Merry Xmas, all you wonderful Chumps!

  • Christmas Dday here, unfortunately not the last dday (big Chump here). White String Bikini in a Christmas gift bag in his truck…. unfortunately I was due a week later with our second child, so definately not for me….. cant even remember the lame excuse think it went “…wasnt sure we’d still be together at Christmas…”. If only i could go back in time and slap myself…..

  • I tackled him about his ‘friendship’ on Christmas Day, he got angry and denied it. Actually left on my daughters birthday, told me it was over on Mothers Day and confessed to his affair on Easter Sunday and then went on holiday with OW on my birthday.
    I can laugh about it now and I have completely reclaimed those days, but really??

  • One of my biggest Christmas trigger movies is – to my utter dismay – becoming a holiday favorite: “Love Actually.” God, I HATE that movie so much! The man who is in love with his best friend’s bride. The woman who’s about to have great sex with a gorgeous crush, only to throw it all over for her mentally ill brother in need. The Christmas costume-making Mom, happily oblivious in her comfortable marriage who accidentally discovers her scumbag husband got a heart pendant for his emotional affair when they open gifts.

    I feel I’ve been all of those people at one time, and being alone for Christmas is just my fate. Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted I’m divorced from a loser, and thank Chump Lady and Chump Nation for supporting me through the darkest time of my life. Honestly though, I can’t wait for Saturday. Try as have to change course, I know Christmas Day is going to be one big suckfest of disappointment for my sons.

    • Your post struck a nerve – it has been one of the darkest times in my life – and I just want to fast forward to Friday.

    • Oh Chutes, I know right! I watched it again with my kids last week and spent a considerable portion of the movie yelling at the TV. My kids luckily understand my ire but those tears of that costume making mum….they get me EVERY single time.

      • Me too, Nat1. Her pain was palpable.

        I also hate that the “successful” love stories involves a creepy prime minister who fires a woman for what he thought was “cheating” on him with the POTUS, then reunites during her nephew’s Christmas play. And Colin Firth, who proposes to a woman who SERVES him.

        The only scene I semi-enjoyed was when the boozy has-been rocker declares his “love” to his abused manager. But they immediately muck it up by vowing to watch porn, because (the underlying message) declarations of platonic love might lead to homosexuality. SERIOUSLY FUCKED in that logic.

        Ugh!

        (See what I mean? TRIGGERS!)

  • My DDay was two weeks before Christmas last year. He had been acting strangely for a while and part of this was being nice to me! Not the norm.
    On the weekend he had taken me to the city, took me out for lunch, we looked at the decorations and the Christmas windows, looked in the shops, he bought me an expensive Christmas plate. The next evening he suggested we buy fish n chips and eat it in the park. All lovely and all completely out of character, he was normally stingy and way too busy to spend time with me. By Tuesday night he was gone.
    A friend of mine had an equally unpleasant Christmas last year. Her Dday was Christmas Day.
    Although it is at times a struggle, I know I am way better off without that grumpy selfish lying cheating arsehole.
    Peace, love,truth and light to us all. Hugs and gratitude to Tracey and all of chump nation. You have been my lifeline since Ifound you.

  • Oh man, does this topic bring up bad memories!! I experienced DDay on November 30th, which is not only between Thanksgiving & Christmas, but just after my Birthday (Nov 24) & his Birthday (Dec 10th) He also added that her Birthday was the day after mine without being asked, so that even my Birthday got marred for a few years. In addition, he lied about WHEN it was, saying it had been years earlier, and it just didn’t fit. I started sleuthing & found out on Memorial Day weekend (when he admitted the truth) that it was really actually recent & found out it was with a coworker he was/is still around on Fourth of July weekend (that is when he decided to tell me.)
    Each time he told me something more it was in anger as though I had no right to know the truth. When I asked him when it started, he told me he first noticed her on or around July 4th, but the affair didn’t start until Labor Day!!!! And No I am not kidding! I said you have just about ruined every Holiday on the calendar! He denied being with her on Valentine’s Day which could be a lie, but at least it was one Holiday that didn’t remind me of cheating. (Even though truly every day reminded me of cheating) The following year, my Mother died on Valentine’s Day.
    CL knows just how these Cheaters fly.

    • My birthday got ruined too, because his mistress’s birthday is one day before mine (and 16 years after). I thought I had gotten over it, but this past year, the kids accidentally let on that the ex had them buy the same present for me that they did for her. So now every present for me that he helps them buy is going to be suspect for a while.

      • How about this? Tell Cheaterpants not to bother helping the kids shop for you. Tell the kids you want them to think up their own present for you and it doesn’t need to cost money. Then buy yourself something far more awesome (even if inexpensive) than he would ever think of.

  • Just remembered before I say goodnight from England…I heard of someone who found out she was being chumped because she received as her present the “free gift” that was being offered as a deal with a particular perfume purchase. She did not get the perfume.

    • What a complete pig. Just such a pig. As if she’d never notice. Ugh. Good riddance to the dim-witted jackass. CHEAP dim-witted jackass.

      • Ahhh, yes. But remember Mary, that loyal spouse didn’t need the perfume! Only pig whore “boys” try to cover the stench of their pig whores with perfumes. At least he knew the stench of the disgusting whore he found needed a go at a cover-up. Hahaha! So that lady is cheater-free, and smelled like roses the whole time! That whore of his still smells like what she is…

  • I think it is because at holiday times it is in the cheater’s face how much they are living a lie, having to act like it is one big happy family when they know it isn’t. This pushes them over the edge and the beans get spilled. It is also why I believe one might find higher instances of D-Day after vacations, or after hosting or attending a dinner party with other couples.

    • Maybe that’s why my cheater decided to spill the beans the second time (second D-Day) at a relative’s wedding reception. The irony.

  • You know, after reading all of these entries, I know for sure that the announcement of cheating at such hurtful times is no accident. I don’t even think it is because they are trying to carve out more time for schmoopie. I think it is intentional to cause as much pain as possible to chumps.
    Most Chumps (I believe) started out as happy go lucky people who joy was palpable. Over the years of being chipped away at by Narcs, they drifted further & further from their true self. I think Narcs actually get “reverse kibbles” but kibbles nevertheless by seeing how they can devastate us when we are most vulnerable.
    .
    I know I as a Chump I would make sure I did not devastate a persons special day or holiday unless there was no other option. (Like someone died & it was necessary to tell) They are cut out of Cheater cloth-that cheap bright fake fur stuff is what I picture.
    I am so sorry for all these very sad heartless stories & all Chumps that had to endure them.
    Certainly we must be better off without them, lonely or not!

    Maybe some of us could start some kind of new Holiday tradition with our kids, sibling(s) or even on our own that will go on into the future without the Cheater.

    • Regina – yes!! You’re spot on. The further out I get, I see what great clarity who I became due to the heavy spackling over a 23-year period. Just a shell of my former self, and the joyful person only returning once little bits at a time once the cloud of PTSD and the peace of not begging for affection and attention from that loser began to lift. What’s strange is that I still struggle with being completely free of that asshat. Free to do what I want, when I want, how I want, and not being tethered to someone who really didn’t care, but that I spackled for, and who’s opinion I actually valued. LOL! Unbelieveable to me now that I did that for SO freakin’ long. But yes, 15 mos post DDay, divorce to be finalized in 5 days, and thank God Almighty – I’m free at last!

      • Same here!! 28 years of slowly losing myself! Very much enjoying reconnecting with the person I was/am/was meant to be!! I’m also 15 months post D-day, divorce was final in August, and I just bought myself a cute little old house!! Christmas will be spent with family and moving things into new place. So exciting!

  • Mine didn’t announce around the holidays, but for two of the last three Christmases I spent money on gifts and hosted Christmas for his ungrateful children and grandchildren.

    Trying a new thing (not doing that) this year.

  • My DDay was the very day I took my son off to college. I had just finished a highly intense masters program, when I realized that my son grew up while I was working and attending college. I was already struggling with depression, sitting in the lobby of the dorm crying, when I noticed that my ex H’s truck keys were missing from my key chain. By the time I got home, the house was empty. It was incredibly painful – it felt like I had lost everyone in a few hours time. But I think the posts were right, this was his way of punishing me – and it worked. I begged. I pleaded. I discovered the truth via the cell phone bill and went no contact. It gets better every year. I’m still lonely. Internet dating has not been that great. But I’m learning that God must have some great plan for me to endure such grief and loss. The good news? I don’t have to spend Christmas with the in-laws and deal with their anger or hatefulness.

    • That is so horrible! Way to go on the Masters though. That takes skill and one day your son will be grateful for your example. I wish I could pull myself out of bed and go to school. Merry Christmas! I like your trust in God.

    • Walking it, my heart goes out to you. Something similar happened to me. It sure complicated the grief didn’t it? I’m doing better now, though. It’s been 3 years since my D-day and I’m a lot stronger now. Hope you are too!

      • That’s a good word – complicated. I wasn’t sure what I was grieving. The loss of a marriage, my son, empty nest, aging…..it all hit at once. For him. it was different. He re-married a few days after the divorce was final. Some day I will be happier on my own, but for right now, I’m glad for this web site and blog.

    • He’s a special kind of disordered jackass. But once you know the truth, you get your life back, with that Master’s degree as the centerpiece.

  • No Christmas DD, just a ton of red flags that I missed, even as they flapped and whipped me right in the face. Nope! No problem here!
    Christmas fell between a November (first-time??) re-connection with OW in Hawaii, and a couple of “solo” snow-camping trips in January.
    xH was soooo stressed out from work that he’d forgotten to buy my Christmas present until the very last minute, then had me show him which purse it was I’d wanted (not an expensive purse, mind you) and bought it on line right in front of me. Romantically, he paid for the express shipping–how magnanimous of him! Of course, this beat the time I’d received a plastic dog turd and a cooking pot for Christmas from him. (Typical level of generosity from xH.) xH returned every single present I’d bought him that year–well, he asked me to do so. And I was still clueless.
    DD did not fall on a holiday-holiday, but did fall the night before a Spring break vacation (what some of you would call a holiday, I suppose.) He’d refused to go with our kids and me on a ski trip. (Still clueless.) So he took the opportunity to send me off with a little BD present (and I don’t mean BirthDay.) That way he could spend the week with HER! Woot! (In my bed? I’ll never know. I don’t own that bed any more, and you wouldn’t recognize this house today, either. I win.)
    I think xH, a passive-aggressive coward (have I mentioned that he is a teeny little coward?) LOVED the giant “FUCK YOU” of conducting an affair right under my nose. I suppose the Twat Troll may have issued an ultimatum of some sort, and besides, they’d been making plans to buy a home together (hahah, THAT worked out well…) So, in the end, he had to fess up, and that ended that. Which sucks, because I cooked for him, and washed his underwear, and brought in a big income and, though not often enough, what with teens in the home, did provide him with some good lovin’ in the bedroom.
    What I gave was not enough, though, and now he has a really great life with a disordered older woman who loves chihuahuas. And she has a great life with a sour, stingy, socially awkward dick. I can only wonder if his back hurts all the time, still. It would explain the way their love nest looks. And that commute…it’s a killer…. Hopefully his retirement, and the inheritance he gets from his mother will be enough for the both of them. She’ll get it all when he dies. Luckily, as he informed me, “she’s a woman of simple needs.” So he’s got that going for him.

    • Miss Sunshine–if she is a “woman of simple needs,” that explains why she “won” your fucktard of an X.
      And you get the newly decorated house!! Yeah, you!!

      His gift of the plastic turd can’t even be said to be metaphoric.

      I hope this Christmas is spectacular for you.

      • Hugs, Tempest.
        It won’t be my most spectacular Christmas–xH gets my kids this year. I think I will actually go in to work. Holiday work days are actually fun–very festive and low-key. And the nice thing is this: the last year he had them for Christmas, I very nearly did eat my heart out with angst. This year? Meh. It’s a day. It sucks that I ever have to be apart from them when it’s not my nor their choice, but it just is. And so I will make the best of it. I could go off with friends or go back to my parents’ house, but I don’t feel very celebratory on holidays without them. This year I won’t be glum nor depressed. I will be happy to see my work mates and get caught up. (I work in healthcare, where there are no holidays.)
        So I guess in that way, it is spectacular, because going from a manic depression in the days following BD to what I am today, which is, “MEH!”? That is a hard-earned gift to myself.
        That’s my wish for all of you, my dears!

      • Ms Sunshine, I think the plastic dog turd and the cooking pot has cartoon worthy written all over it. I do not recall it being mentioned in CL’s worst cheater Xmas present contest. Perhaps CL will allow for a late entry. As I was saying before…we just have always been mystified about our X’s. We think that if we are just wonderful people, kind, loving, understanding blah blah blah, they will respond… but NOOOOO! They are disordered turd balls from day one, we are just uneducated about what a personality disorder looks like. We all are getting an idea about what mental illness looks like but no one ever mentions personality disordered. Alas there is no DSM Cluster B category for turd.

        • Well, I do love potty humor the best. But xH bought the turd for me because I’d wanted a dog. So he said that the turd was about as close to getting a dog as he was willing to get. “Merry Christmas, Love, Passive Aggressive Coward.” Now he lives with two dogs. No trade-backs!

          I do love the turd references here, too. I knew I was going to be a CL devotee when she likened the cheater and AP to sparkles…overlaying a dog turd. It’s all sparkly, and shiny and reeeeeeeeeeally pretty! But still a turd. That made me giggle.

          Also I have gotten a lot of mileage from the “turd in a punch bowl” reference, also courtesy of Tracey. I never knew when xH was going to show up where I was, and still don’t. (I actually saw OW in real life for the first time ever, out of the blue last week, riding in what used to be our family vehicle. She sits where I used to sit now, which is disheartening-ish/not.) So every time xH startled me with his appearance, thereby casting a pall on what would otherwise have been a very nice occasion (usually kids’ school functions), he was just like the proverbial turd in the punch bowl. And, that, too, would make me giggle.

            • Me, too, but I’m kind of wishing I did NOT have the turd-in-a-punchbowl image. Holiday parties will never be the same.

          • Turd in a punch bowl!

            Thank you that is awesome. My X is always showing up at things to be seen as the devoted father. Bullshit translator says- haha I get to see my kids without having to speak to you and arrange it and don’t doubt I will mike it for a couple of selfies with the kids and a ‘check this out’ Facebook status update.

            LOL turd in a punch bowl. Love it.

  • Yep, 1st Dday was a couple weeks before Christmas. I found out, left him and took our 4 kids and went to his mother’s in the Berkshires for Christmas. He then decides to text me, telling me how horrible I am, that we are over, and that I have my priorities all screwed up. Mind you, he is in Boston with the OW spending Christmas with her and his friends, lying to me about it, and lecturing me on my morals and priorities. Un-fucking-beleivable.

    • Ah, par for the course. This is the club you never thought you’d be in, where words like that from a cheater are no longer appalling to those of us who’ve heard it all, or mostly all. And even when we hear something new, it ain’t really new, as it follows a pattern of finger-pointing and blame-shifting that is really almost amusing in its audacity. But that’s how they roll. Now you know.
      Ridiculous. And who’d want to be with someone so pathetic?

      • Exactly. That was almost 2 years ago. I’ve since divorced his dumbass, have my kids, and am in therapy doing the hard work to understand why I put up with his shit for so long. I should write down all the awful things he has said to me, truly shocking.

        • Freeatlast–you should write down all the horrible things he has said. Post them here–you’ll find tons of other chumps heard the same things, almost verbatim. Cheaters are not an imaginative lot.

  • Should have known with the knife sharpener gift. Really?! Backstabbing mofo.

    I’m learning to be expectant about someone actually caring about me and showing it in every way, like I did with the creep.

  • First Christmas after my 9/11 D-day this year (yup). There was a frisson of pleasure in not signing his name to the Christmas cards. There will be a few surprised recipients.

    • Yes, warm holiday wishes. I may be alone, but I am never as alone as I was in a marriage that didn’t work. One day at a time, newbies. Grieve. Honor your Chumpy heart. And baby steps forward. There are small gifts for us to notice every day. Surround yourself with kindred spirits. Stay busy. ANC, and this too. “May the New Year bring peace, contentment, and happiness!”

      • “I may be alone, but I am never as alone as I was in a marriage that didn’t work.”

        Sing that truth, sister. To be in a house with a husband who acts like not only do you not matter, you don’t even exist — loneliest feeling on Earth.

        What you discover eventually, once you get away from the disordered ass, is that you had given him the power to determine your value. Going No Contact gives you the space and time to gain presence of mind. You can begin to reclaim that power.

        You become — slowly, ploddingly — aware of your own strength. Because you’re surviving something traumatic. Hour by hour. Day by day. That strength belongs to you and nobody else. It’s the first whisperings of your power. And eventually, you’ll have the mental, emotional and physical distance to appreciate that even at your weakest, you had more strength in you than your pathetic ex-spouse could ever hope to have on his very best day.

  • Nothing says “Merry Christmas”!and “Happy Holidays” like serving my serial cheating husband with divorce papers – which happened today – after enduring almost a year since the first D-day. I should feel mighty. Instead. I feel sorrow and weariness. Enduring Christmas this year and fervently waiting for “Tuesday” Is this normal?

    • Yep–totally normal. One day you will be able to congratulate yourself for hiking up your skirt and doing what has to be done, and you will realize it was the beginning of a very good life. But now? Now you mourn the loss of what Could Have Been, of what you thought you had (but, sadly, didn’t, after all.) That’s because you’re human. Allow yourself to grieve–there’s no way around it, but through it.

      As Sir Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” I loved that quote. And this is war, you know. A war to reclaim YOU.

      Big hugs!

    • Kimberly a.
      I wish I were you .i’m here with toddler/middle school “man”. Being abusive to me.pray I get the the courage to file. Peace and love to you.

      • Jane–baby steps. Go file (I filed pro se by downloading the documents on-line). Think to yourself, “I can withdraw the divorce petition later.” That will give you the courage to file even in the face of uncertainly, and filing itself is empowering. Then baby steps toward total pest-removal.

    • Kimberly–Miss Sunshine is right. Filing gives you the sense of the enormity of ending a marriage. Of course you’re going to mourn, but you’re mourning the good times, and let’s face it–those were becoming fewer and farther between.

      You filed; that means you took a step toward self-respect. It took two days after filing before I felt MIGHTY!! Has that been my consistent mood? No, there are low times, and then I go back to feeling strong. It cycles through anger, depression, and feeling relieved/empowered, and each week has more hours than the last of feeling good.

      One trick, though, is to maintain no contact with cheater–the more you are exposed to their emotional shenanigans, the harder it is to cycle up.

    • Yes, you are mighty, Kimberly, and will feel sorrow. It is a process, grief, and we each experience it differently. No contact saved me…. Just know Chump Nation is here.

    • Yep. Mine got served on the 1st of December. And if all goes well at court in January. I will be divorced for my next birthday.

  • I think,this is my opinion, that with Christmas it’s the time to get engaged. Believe me, I spent 6 years waiting at Christmas for an engagement ring that was never gonna happen( I thank God or unanswered prayers,in the end). So, I think APs get anxious and start demanding divorce him, her or marry me.so it’s a lot of stress

  • My ex wife is jewish , and I did not convert, but our children have been raised jewish. Funny, the last guy she cheated with was a Roman Catholic of Italian Heritage. I read their emails and texts, and the a-hole mentioned going to Christmas Eve mass, and my stupid wife sent him a picture of the menorah on our kitchen table.

    It’s hilarious now, and kind of like a black comedy. Cheaters are big on holidays, a holiday is an accessory to their skewed sense of specialness and they take themselves seriously, which in itself is hilarious.

    This time of year, the religious time of celebration is a big deal for narcissists.

    • That is a very, very good point–they wrap themselves in holiday festivities to seem human. Often they co-opt the work of their spouses, taking credit for how the beauty of the season makes them look.

      • Bingo! I think one reason why holidays are hijacked by cheaters is that they must be at the center of everyone’s attention. A holiday is focused on family as a unit, and often extended family, as well. I think cheaters often resent their families as a whole because they do not want to be part of something larger than themselves. They want to blot out the sun, all on their own.

        • Mine had something going every year…he didn’t feel good, he didn’t want any gifts and would angry if we got him one anyway, his back was out, you name it, there was always a reason to make the household miserable for the Holidays. I had big FOO issues like many of you, but as soon as I could have a drama free Christmas I was SO happy! I remember before we got married he said he couldn’t wait for the Holidays with me. Little did I know he couldn’t wait to RUIN the Holidays, not share them!!

  • When I asked my XH why did he have to run off 2 weeks before Xmas Andy birthday he said that thought if he had have gone through Xmas and then left it would have ruined Xmas for me – forever!!!!!!!! Yeah that’s his logic

  • Oh, should add, 1st Dday was in Dec. 2012. Last year, Dec. 24, I had him served with divorce papers! Love it! Oh….. the indignation as he read that I wanted alimony! He was seething. Ha ha. 🙂 I forgot I had a happy story to look back on.

  • Ah yes holidays with a Cheater are about very few good memories. For years we spent Christmas driving home to the place we both grew up and where our families were. He griped about it, was no fun to be around, and slept because that is what the disordered do. Our last Christmas together he was miserable. Argued about which tree to choose, was absent when it came to any planning, and then he had a wonderful idea! We all got CELL Phones. The older kids got the upgraded ones, same as dear ol’ Cheater Dad, while the youngest and I got the phones that didn’t cost anything. You can probably guess why he got us phones. That man didn’t know how to celebrate any holiday but for a long time he was a great actor. When you are with a Cheater, holidays (any special day) are always missing something. Looking back I am pretty sure it was difficult for my ex to leave his side dish fuck of the month and pretend to be “the great family guy.” This year he sent our kids money. He is choosing not to spend one day with them. So his character is pretty much unchanged.
    Chumps, take it back. You, and your children! (dogs, cats, snakes, etc for those who don’t) were the best things your ex had. So continue to make those holidays sing. It doesn’t have to be big. Do little things. Make it yours. Do something new. Do something old. Make cookies. Get out to a coffee shop. Window shop. Look at lights. Go to Church. (There is nothing better than stepping into an old Catholic Church and I don’t attend….) My children and I travel to be together and we play holiday tourist now (and serve food to the homeless when we have the opportunity). We intentionally choose to live in the moment. It’s not always easy, but we even honor that.

  • My stepmother was OW to my dad. As she tells it, she was engaged to a soldier but worked with my dad; Dad pursued her, got her drunk and impregnated her (first time she ever had sex) the night of the office Christmas party, with my half-sister. My brother was born just weeks later.
    What a mess. All ancient history now but the legacy of my father’s cheating lives on.
    And TWO DAYS AGO, stepmom tells us her current husband was contacted by his son, age 58, who wants to be part of the family– this is the son he fathered while cheating on his first wife!! He never met the son nor contributed to his upbringing, and both the fellow’s mother and the chumped wife have passed away.
    Mom thinks it is no big deal because it was ‘so long ago’, but his kids are having fits because he told one on Thanksgiving, another already knew, and one just found out– so they are all out of sorts and the holidays are upon us.
    Ah, cheating– the gift that keeps on giving.

    • It really is a selfish, hurtful way to live. Abuse, cheating, lies, divorce. It’s amazing the impact it all has on families….

  • It’s not my first Christmas without my cheating ex, but the first after the divorce is through. I don’t feel perfectly wonderful, but noticeably lighter. I’m planning on spending Christmas with family– looking forward to playing with my niece and nephew. And New Years will be spent in, writing. I’m working on finishing a first draft of a screenplay I started this year. I’m taking a masters class and working with real actors to perfect scenes.

    I don’t know. It ain’t Hallmark perfect, but it’s all mine.

  • I now LOVE the holidays. No more fearing the holidays. No more worrying about what obscene comeuppance I might receive from the unstable asshole because I didn’t read his mind and KNOW his needs.

    I can now have holidays or HOLY DAYS as they used to be known and not have my stomach in a knot.

    I rejoice in them. I see God again.

    My asshole would pick every holiday, birthday, anniversary, you name it, to cause anxiety, chaos, and make SURE it was ALL ABOUT HIM.

    Hip, hip, hooray, to holidays without the jerk! Cheers. Raise your glasses. A new year of emotional freedom.

    He’s all yours schmoopi, wish I said it first!

  • Wow, seems like chump birthdays are a popular time for cheaters to strike. My D-day was a week before my birthday, too. I wonder what that’s about.

  • I found out Christmas Eve last year. I was sick and sent STBX to get a couple of last minute things. When he returned he told me about the outing which included a stop at his office. When I questioned why, he said he had to tie up some loose ends on something, but this was something he said he’s done the previous day because his job was closed Christmas Eve. Something felt off with his story and something told me to go check his computer, which I had never done. I checked and there were emails between the two of them. I didn’t really read them, just enough to see “I miss you”, “can’t wait to see you”. I confronted, he confessed and the fake out reconciliation started I immediately. He suggested counseling and even found a counselor and made appointment, though I only went to a couple because he wasn’t doing the work.

    Oh, and as I was digging post DDay I discovered that he’d been with her on my birthday (which still eats at me) which was just after a family vacation. DDay #2 – after which I lawyered up) was also just after another family vacation and 3 weeks before our anniversary.

    My kids and I have gone away for Christmas and having a great time so far, though I am a little blue. A few days ago, he moved into his new place. He is probably flying his whore somewhere to meet her for Christmas (she lives in another country). I hate that he forever ruined my Christmas but they get to have a wonderfully, romantic one from now on. I kicked him out of my bed (though he happily came back the couple of times I was weak and let him), I kicked him out of the house, I filed for divorce (and he was very surprised and upset), yet he never seemed to care that he hurt me and seems to be quite happy in his new life, flying hither and thither to meet up with her or sneaking her into our town.

    Sorry for rambling. Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.

    • They don’t have a romantic Christmas. He’s probably cheating on her if she lives in another country; at the very least, they are only seeing each other’s “best dressed” side, not the part that involves paying bills and negotiating who gets the TV remote. And for sure he’s looking for a third leg to the triangle, if as you say, he wanted and OW but still wanted to stay married. The triangle is what makes relationships work for them–no real intimacy for anyone involved.

  • This holiday tidbit I only know in hindsight since in 2014 (six months after DDay) stumbling upon emails he had written in 2008 to a prior OW. We drove halfway across the country with my 2 teenage sons and spend Xmas with Cheater’s family then the opposite direction to spend New Years with my brothers and families. In between, Cheater was writing cutesy little emails to his then OW setting up their date night in between his family trips with me and my kids, which he just referred to as his being “out of town for a few days.” After returning from our family Xmas with his Dad, he emailed OW, “Christmas was dandy, how about you?” I almost puked reading that. This year, 2014, Cheater is getting a present from me: my lawyer’s 15 page letter in response to Cheater’s ludicrous and greedy financial demands after freeloading for 16 years.

    • Portia and others: You are so right! When the narcissist does what he or she does best by blaming us for everything wrong in life, we need to start running in the other direction – quickly. Holidays are stressful enough as it is without finding out about cheating behaviors or having to deal with abusive tactics. Margaret: What an awesome 15 page gift to give! (lol) Kudos to you for sure. I pray that everyone here has a peaceful holiday far away from any negativity and drama, even if it means being alone for a while. You all deserve the best! Hugs…

  • I discovered my ex-husband’s affair several days after Christmas. I found a receipt for an $1100.00 woman’s watch that was not under my tree! I experienced another four ddays that spanned five years, all with the same OW. I have not a joyful Christmas in years!

    This year marks my very first Christmas in my new home with my daughters by myself! I am enjoying the stress free holiday and my freedom from the crazy!

    I have NEVER felt better in my entire life!!!!!!

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!!!!!!! 🙂

  • My D-Day was Christmas day, I had run out to CVS to get something we ran out of while cooking for his entire family. My phone was not working so I borrowed my XH’s phone, I was blindsided completely, I had never suspected anything and never looked at my XH’s phone, but texts started coming in so I checked them thinking it was him at home with his other phone texting me something else to pick up. I did not handle that night well I could not go home, I vanished got a hotel room and contemplated taking my life, that was 6 years ago this Christmas! I’ve never experienced emotional pain like that in my life. Unfortunately I did not find the right information when I needed it and I spend the next 5 years Dancing the pick me dance. This is my first Christmas without him and his crazy family. I think CL is right that special days seem to be very common to have D-Days. I am glad you posted this because I have noticed this over the years and always wondered why it is on special occasions. I used to be mad at the holidays because I found out on Christmas, but now I’m very thankful for Christmas, if it would not have been that particular rare type of occasion I would have never found out. Because I found out, I returned the day after Christmas and began to snoop, then I found out there were other affairs. I would have never really known anything ever if it was not for Christmas, the universe gave me the biggest gift of all ,truth. It came wrapped in a really terrible package but it was still a gift.

    • I remember you telling us all this in another post! What a total shit he is! THANK GOD you are no longer with him. Peace to you on this Christmas without THAT stress and turd in your life!!

      I hope you enjoy it. You deserve it!

  • I’ll speculate a step further, but with the caveat that I’m not an expert other than from observation of W for years and a lot of reading. She’s bi-polar, and I believe a lot of these related maladies (such as NPD) share some common symptoms and behaviors. Mania has fueled many, many instances of cheating and manic behavior typically amps up around the Holidays.

    Mix lots of drinking, parties, FOO drama, overly high expectations and serve that cocktail to someone prone to mania? Or NPD? What could possibly go wrong?

    Anyway, a sincere Merry Christmas to everyone here!

    • A lot of these cheaters have along with NPD and bi-polar depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, which often looks like rapid-cycling bi-polar. Anti-social and Paranoid Personality Disorders often come with these packages. With these combinations, you can certainly count on a bumpy ride through life.

        • Don’t know where you are in this heinous “process”, igot, but I think we speak the same surreal language. As therapist said, it’s great for them to say they are who they are and that they are doing what they need to do, but there is a problem with the debris trail they leave behind them while doing so.

          • I’m a year and 9 months into the divorce process. I’m at meh. Just want to move on already! He has no idea of the shit trail they have left behind. I think they somewhat justified it because they were sooooo in love. She went back to her husband.

          • Chem trails I think we should call them-filled with toxic waste, hot air filled with lies, gas from gaslighting, and derivatives of all the lowest forms of betrayal.

  • I’m in the heart of holiday madness right now. Cheaterpants doesn’t want to work on the marriage, and our entire history is being rewritten. It’s not that he keeps cheating on me, it’s that I keep reacting poorly to it. Oh, and that I’m a bad person and lazy mom. His family thinks I’m lazy too. They were keeping track of who changed more diapers or something apparently. So, guess what this lazy chump gets to do tomorrow? COOK THEM ALL CHRISTMAS DINNER. If I try to say this isn’t a good idea, he’ll just take the kids and run to his parent’s house, and I won’t get to see them at all. Oh, and he said he’s getting full custody too. Merry Christmas to me.

    • Well, I heard of a couple that decided it was only fair he changed ALL the diapers since she carried the baby for nine months and then gave birth to the baby. I liked that assessment of “fairness” of baby caregiving labor (actual labor and regular labor) better than any other I have heard…

  • After holding out months of Chump hope, that he would pick me – he finally told me on Mother’s Day that it was over. I thought I’d never enjoy Mother’s Day again – but Hell NO – I’m having the time of my life. Mother’s Day is MY day, and in 2015 – I’ll be in ARUBA with two of my best gal pals – having a blast. Much better than where I was 3 years ago LOL…

  • My ex must not have gotten the memo regarding maximum destruction dates to reveal your infidelity. He’s of the behavior disordered, too. Oh well…LOL! Feeling pretty meh today. Yay!! I left him before Christmas last year. Not for cheating but for being a total selfish ass. The only difference was this year he called to resentfully wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, totally out of character since we don’t have children together. He also sent me a birthday present after I went NC after DDay two months previous. Had never gotten a present before let alone a phone call. Guess that makes him an assbackwards f-tard.

    Spending today with the family of my children’s father.(not a cheater) They are the only family I really have since my folks have passed away. When we divorced we made sure the holidays were not ever stressful on them. Made sure FOO and extended family knew the other parent were to be welcome. I’ll not forget the Christmas after we were divorced and the money was really tight. He got a bonus, got the kids really awesome presents and thoughtfully signed them either Santa or from both of us.

    I just lit 3 candles, balsam, sage, and lavender and am burning frankincense and myrrh incense and said a prayer for everyone here at CN. Most especially for our newbie chumps whose pain is still very palpable. May you all experience at least one warm and fuzzy moment this season to remind you that you are truly a unique and worthy person whose cheater(lump of coal) does not deserve. May 2015 bring abundant blessings.

    • Chumpy–that is such a lovely thing you did, at the end of your post. Thank you….

      Here’s a little inspiration for some still along the road to Meh (I can see the exit, but haven’t quite turned off the highway. Soon!) However… I just got off a Facetime convo with my lovely young adult daughter in Germany, her incredibly sweet BF, and his mom too… I got to see the cozy house, the zimsterne (traditional cinnamon stars cookies), the wonderful tree–with real candles!, I could practically smell the duck baking in the oven for Christmas dinner…

      but best of all we had a long, loving talk, DD, her BF & I. So much love across those airwaves. When I got off the phone, of course I cried a little, but then I thought, “No. Asshole Ex of in the California sunshine with his (still) married Narcissa Parkinson? He’s missed the greatest blessing of all.”

      No more tears… I’m dusting off my apron and going to make some Stollen for tomorrow morning. Life is good, My daughter loves me, we are family, and tomorrow my sister comes to share Christmas with me.

      I wish you all the blessings of the season, however and whatever you celebrate. (Remember, there is always Festivus, yesterday…good for the airing of grievances 🙂

      • Awesome post, namedforvera. The support of your kids can’t be overstated for those lucky enough to have it. TB (hopefully)XW displayed about 50 pictures of guys from match.com on her computer, unwittingly, in clear view last night. Not fun. But while she’s out partying and dancing and doing all the other cool stuff they do…

        …my college aged son asked me if over vacation I would go with him to NYC to the WTC Museum and possibly try to get tickets for Les Miserables while there. Also to catch up with him on some TV shows we both like, to go cut a Christmas tree (Mom not interested and said it sounded like a PITA), to take a hike to break in his new hiking boots, to help him make cookies, etc. That gift of time, support, and love is beyond priceless. Way beyond. I would not wish this journey on anyone, but I count my blessings for my son and the supportive friends who are there, and never take it for granted.

        Probably my biggest Christmas wish (other than getting to Tuesday) is for all in ChumpNation to have the support of people like these.

  • Valentine’s Day, well a couple of days before, for me. I’m not big on holidays, but it was classically ironic that I found out he was paying hookers for blow jobs just before V-Day….lol

    I just realized that I’m almost at 8 months of NC! Yay me!!!!! I feel so much better and have a wonderful man in my life. It is like night and day comparing my last crapweasel and this new wonderful human who treats me so well.

    So, something good came out of the turmoil. Yay me! lol

  • Looking back at all the crappy Christmases with Cheaterpants X finally, finally just makes me laugh. One year, he didn’t like my choice of a Christmas tree and walked two miles home from the tree lot in a huff. Boy, that showed me who’s who and what’s what. Then there was the (second to last) year, when his “student” called on Christmas Day and he disappeared for a long conversation, leaving all the relatives for me to entertain. I went to see what was taking so long and heard him thank her for the massage gift certificate she’d given him for Christmas. When I pointed out that a massage was a wildly inappropriate gift to give ones professor, and that calling him at home while spending Christmas Day with his family was wildly inappropriate behavior, I was told I was making a big deal out of nothing. Yeah, right. I am a stupid person. The next (last) year, after leaving him for six months, I’d been reeled back again in December. Again, a house full of relatives. I was busy in the kitchen and did not notice the drama underway in the living room. You see, my sisters and their families had sent gifts for me and nothing, nada, zilch for Cheaterpants, and this required a monumental temper tantrum. By the time I figured out what was going on, everybody was gathering their things and inching for the door. It was like a saloon scene in an old Western movie where the dangerous gunslinger pushes through the swinging doors and the piano music stops and the dancing girls scramble up the stairs to avoid being shot. I don’t believe his family or mine had ever seen such a display before, and no one who was there ever doubted why I kicked his sorry ass out and called a divorce lawyer.

    By the way, my most craptacular Christmas gift ever from The Jerk was a Thighmaster. I made sure he got it in the property settlement.

    Every Chump has a sleigh load of bad holiday memories, but every holiday without the entitled Cheater is an opportunity to replace them with happy ones. Removing the stress and drama that is the Cheater can get you to neutral or peaceful or pleasant, and from there holidays can become whatever you want them to be. Trust that they do get better.

    Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for the Best New Year Ever!

  • I was d day’d during the holiday season twice, by the same wife two years in a row. Oh how I loved who i thought she was. The first time she had been engaged in nefarious activities(wish it was spelled naffairious) with her best friends husband who was also the father of two of my sons close friends and also the Scout Master( he must not be too good at keeping oaths like “loyal, honest , reverent” or “I do”) They first had sex on a scouting event , a 50 mile hike along the pacific crest trail in Washington. I became suspicious when she started emulating his mannerisms. I felt like my life was the human version of the movie A Perfect Storm. I had lost 3 jobs in 3 years due to the economy and each successive job was a digression from the prior, my back and knees were having big issues to where i had two bulging disks(by far the most pain i have ever been in). All this plus being chump’d. There was only a tunnel at the end of the light.
    I moved out(don’t ever do this if you want the house or anything in it) for 6 months, attempted reconciliation but was only being played by her so she wouldn’t miss a house payment while OM was in self deliberation over his future. There was to be no contact between the two, at least not that i would know of, or they wanted me to know of. But truth is like an underwater spring pushing its way to the top, sometimes only seeping, until you dig. Then it gushes. But even hurtful truths are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a close friend to the chump.
    D day 2 was easier, depression not so deep mostly because i had read so much on affairs, marriage and had realized just how broken my marriage was.

    I am now two years after the 2nd D day. Some days life sucks! Usually though my life is good. I have learned to look for quality people to have in my life and purge the bad ones. I know without a doubt that my future holds better potential as i am now than with a woman i would have to contend with over values, morals and the very definition of true love. I had made a list of the qualities i wanted in a woman, honesty and Godliness at the top. I am now dating such a woman and am absolutely blown away at her ability to do the relationship thing right.
    This year, I’ll be spending Christmas with HER!

    • Moving On, I love to read stories like yours. It’s always great to see proof that life goes on after Dday and gets better eventually, although the road is long and rocky. Like you, I’m a long way out now, and so glad to be away from a disordered cheater.

  • I feel so much empathy for the new chumps here. It has been five years since my final Dday, but I still remember the terror, the anger, the grief, the feeling that it was all some sort of bad dream. I remember the entire days passing in a blur as I obsessively thought and talked about nothing but my ex and what he had done.

    There was an unfortunate eight-month bogus reconciliation, but it’s been nearly three years since my divorce became final. I would say that it took all three of those years for me to even begin to truly heal. My marriage was 20 years and my ex is really disordered and I have a LOT of FOO issues and anxiety problems, so it took me longer than it will take many of you to start healing. But you WILL heal eventually. I believe there will always be a scar, and that there might always be certain triggers, but life goes on and gets BETTER eventually.

    Here I am at five years out. I am happy in my apartment with my son. I started a new career 3.5 years ago as a freelance writer, and although money is very tight, I’m doing okay. I’ve been dating a nice guy for over a year now — tonight he is making a big Christmas Eve dinner and it will be the first time my son meets his sons (they are adults and don’t live with him.) When I think back on my marriage, it seems like a faded bad dream. I am not 100% at meh yet, although I am pretty close.

    Hang in there, all of you who are new to Chump Land. Your road is a rough one, I’m not gonna lie. But as CL says, this shit is finite. You won’t be in the nightmare forever. Those of us further down the road can vouch for the fact that life is better beyond the cheater, that there are good people out there and that the pain does eventually subside.

    Happy holidays to all of Chump Nation, and may one of the 52 Tuesdays in 2015 be your day to reach meh!

    • GIO, my journey is going to be a lot like yours. My anxiety, depression, other mental health problems, and bad FOO issues are going to take me longer to get to meh. I have only just realized that, and I am 14+ months out from d-day, but I’m okay with it. This is my 2nd Christmas away from my cheater and it feels worse than the first one! But I know that Xmas 2015 will be on the upswing. There’s just no hurrying this stuff.

      Glad to know that you’re dating and moving on with life. I hope to get there in a year or so.

      Merry Christmas.

      xox

  • An excellent post GIO. fI we do have any new Chumps reading this site today, I am so sorry but keep coming back and your journey will be made easier, if that is at all possible. To the good times that await each and everyone of you and Chump Nation. Merry Christmas to all and a wonderful New Year ahead.

  • First DDay was over 15 years ago when I asked him, are you having an affair with OW? And his answer was……wait for it……”what do you mean by affair?”……and I said….who are you? Bill fucking Clinton?” But I ate the shit sandwiches and did the pick me dance for a whole bunch a more years! For a very smart woman I can be extremely dumb sometimes. The last DDay was in April (this year) when I decided to quit sticking my head in the sand and really see what was going on with his current “she is just my friend, really nothing is going on, she would prefer you over me anyway she goes both ways, her husband doesn’t have a problem with our friendship” these being just a few of the shit word salad. So much for that, when it tracked his phone and caught him the guilt must have been just too much for him because he rolled over like a pig in a mud puddle, so sorry blah blah blah. I am one of the really lucky ones tho because I did not loose half my shit (I was the one that actually made money and took care of us) he didn’t ask for any of my stuff although I did give him a fair deal (in my mind anyway). I filed in June it was final in July (he didn’t get an attorney). I am well on my way to being happy……so much for 37 years of marriage

  • My STBXH’s affair started around the holidays…so I imagine they will be hard on me for a while. Merry Christmas to all and I hope everyone has a great holiday! Thank you all for sharing your stories and all the support!

  • Glad to see I’m not alone in chumpdom! My second DDay was mid-October, the first a year prior. First time – I was suspicious and caught him when he left his cell phone and asked me to bring it to him…of course, I started reading texts and found about the toothlesss crack ho he had been giving underwear to (she sent him photos, so classy) – just a friend of course! He told her we were “separated with no chance of reconciliation.” When I confronted him, he claimed to be sorry, he would end it…it was “just” an emotional affair. We patched things up. Fast-forward about 7 months, and he meets the OW while at the beach with our 12-year-old son. He tells her we’re divorced! He forces our son to go along with this farce. My son told me all about it, sobbing his heart out. Asshat is gone from our home 7-10 times overnight each month for the past several months – staying with a male friend because he has a) an early client meeting the next morning b) a bike group meeting c) playing cards d) etc. Really?! I don’t know any other married men who have sleepovers with male friends such frequency! He has been gaslighting me for months – she’s just a friend…you’re jealous for no reason. Then I find out from my son (no pressure, he spilled to me because he feels awful about what his dad is doing) that the asshat says “she can win me back by losing weight.” Riiight. Like I would do anything for you at this point! I met with an attorney and plan to file in early Feb. This Christmas is shaping up to be crap (for me, at least) since I’m pretending nothing is going on, I don’t know about the OW, etc. Three months ago asshat screamed at me in front of our son, called me the “c” word, and said I treat him like S–t. Really? He’s a freeloader that I have done nothing but support for 17 years, including through several surgeries, the failure of his business, etc., etc. What an ass! i love Chump Lady and all the posts/comments. Keep ’em coming!

    • Chumped a Lot; You can lose weight anytime, but can she grow teeth? Man, what a low life. The lies are all so hurtful & the wasted time-but you have come to the right place, we have all been through it! Sorry it is so raw with the Holidays and all. There seems no redeeming quality in his bag of tricks! Stand strong!

    • Chumped A Lot – PLEASE document everything like on your cell or tablet, and change all your passwords. Document the things he’s done to and in front of your poor son – it’s emotional abuse! And all the horrible things he says to you – that is also emotional abuse. Get an ASS-KICKING lawyer to fight for you and your son. I’m so sorry to hear this fucktard has left NO DOUBT as to whether or not he’s a douche-bag. It’s confirmed.

      Praying for all us Chumps this holiday season, and hoping for the very best for all of us in 2015.

  • Dear Chump Lady, I received a sweet Christmas gift this afternoon. My oldest son Damien ordered your book as a surprise for me. I am so grateful to you and all. I will survive after all.

  • New Chump here…. 23 years married. Not that the last few years have been great. Many battles and issues…. But on Christmas Day, I discovered a text app with details of my wife’s sexual escapades with a 26 year old! She being 43. Her excuse is ego trip looking for something lacking in our marriage! Blah blah!!! Really a twenty something wanting to bag a cougar is ego building? One could go to any bar any night and have that! Most 20 year olds will screw anything! Oh well, at least she is std free! Wants to now reconcile! Funny how cheaters can go from mean to loving in a day post discovery! And I am expected to believe????

  • Unfortunately your wife DavidB, feels entitled to get what she wants on the side an have you too. This is the shocking revelation we have all had. And of course it meant nothing blah, blah, blah. She needs more attention than one person can give. What do you do with that? Is the question we are all here to answer in one way or another….this site backing “RUN!”

    • And that three letter word is probably the best advice one could receive! RUN! She is without a doubt an attention seeker….. Nothing I do fills any gaps…. Yes I have and do suck but so has she…. No excuse for the sex the lies the abuse!!!

      • Yes DavidB, even after the past sex and lies are over, the head games are just beginning!! It sorta makes you wonder how long they have slowly led you down the mindfuckery path to Hell. David B, I have wasted years of my life trying to make it the fault of his family, the fault of society, his friends, global warming, his sun sign, my not being enough “fun,” my naivety, his “Mamma’s Boy” tendencies, my dogs are too annoying, tramps are everywhere, on & on ad nauseum.
        The truth is, if you are not a Cheater, no one could MAKE you do this to someone you love.
        Truth is, if you were watching the endless sports loop, farting & burping while picking your nose, and were an occasional jerk does not mean cheating is ok. People can open their mouths, or tell you BEFORE they are involved with someone else that their interest is waning, they want a divorce, tell you that you are not as much fun as you used to be-whatever other than breaking someone’s heart & trust to get a side piece. Pure chickenshit crap!
        Guess what DavidB? There are TONS of women out there with a lot going for them who would not do this to you. Just not being a Cheater makes you quite a find for starters! Not to mention what other qualities you have which seem to be the kind Chumps have. (enter a bunch of good qualities like honesty, integrity, empathy, etc.) . Please do not waste as many years as many of us did trying to “figure it out” or as Chump Lady calls it “untangling the skein of fuckedupness” which you can look up on her site. You can get so tangled up in there that 5 shrinks, two doctors and 11 hyperactive children with scissors have no hope of getting you cut out!! The endless sports loop is much preferable to the WTF? loop that never ends.
        I also agree with you, these “Cougars” who are so flattered are just the next fix for young men who will sleep with anything that lays down. Remind me where the compliment is? When they show back up & you don’t know it is because the first 4 choices were busy? Can we say STD?
        Anyway, I think I have made my point (and a few more!)

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