I don’t know what it is about the holidays that inspires sudden tragedy. My mom used to work as a renal dietician and every year Christmas would bum her out because half her patients died eating Christmas cookies or some other forbidden delicacy. (Kidney disease being rather unforgiving about the Wrong Sort of Diet.)
Is it me, or do people just seem to kick off around the holidays more?
Death, over spending, family get-togethers — it’s already a season packed with drama, so why not add a D-Day?
I have theories as to why so many of us discover infidelity around the holidays:
1. Shopping. Cheaters are lazy. How many people discovered receipts, which led them to uncovering affairs? Either cheaters get sloppy and leave their receipts laying around, (diamond earrings? I didn’t get diamond earrings…), or they get you the same gift they got the affair partner, or more commonly, they get you an absolutely craptacular gift or forget you all together. (GladIt’sOvers consolation wash cloth comes to mind.)
2. Affair partners get uppity. Another reason affairs are discovered at the holidays is affair partners get demanding and want togetherness during the significant holidays. It’s a bit harder to conceal a spouse at Christmas, or make up lame excuses why you can’t be with your family on Christmas Eve. (No, I have to work. Really. End of year audits. So sorry.) And scorned affair partners often like nothing more than to blow up the holidays for the schmoopie who can’t be there with them.
3. You’re actually forced to spend time around your family. Cheaters can usually juggle the double life fairly well because life is full of obligations and places to be. Except at the holidays, you’re supposed to slow down and businesses close, and people take time off, and goddamn, you have to BE together. The in-laws visit for four days, where’s a cheater supposed to take their private phone calls? Children are expecting you to actually hang out with them, and set up the Hot Wheels track. It’s harder to slip out and find excuses.
So, we all know what happens next — D-Days.
Some chump somewhere right now is finding out in some horrific way that their partner is cheating on them, and the holiday is going to be one long buffet of shit sandwiches, as they either choke down this knowledge or feign happy togetherness at the holidays.
Let’s hope they find us. And Santa brings them a new life this year. Happy, authentic holidays, chumps.