I got distracted with my computer woes and failed to inform you that Dean McDermott is not returning to True Tori. Okay, the season ends on Tuesday, so it’s all a bit convenient if it’s not renewed. What is a reality TV show about the angsty horror of being married to a cheating fuckwit without the cheating fuckwit?
I know, we still have Tori cheater/OW/chump wannabe, but it’s not the same. I’d rather watch one of those viral video hedgehogs attempt single parenthood before Tori.
Dean! How could you walk out on us?!
I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t have experience walking out on people. But chumps, I’m sorry, he’s got to do this for his soul.
“I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world.”
“I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
You’re asking yourself — Dean has a soul? — yes, it’s there next to the gravy stain on the ratty gray t-shirt he wears every episode. (Dean, you’re married to a Spelling. Can’t you afford a pressed shirt?) Yes, Dean has a soul! He was soul mates with Tori! But Dean’s soul is tired now, tired of bleeding, tired of answering Tori’s stupid questions about the babysitter. Dean’s soul wants a pancake. It wishes to be left alone in Canada where he and his demons can go ice-fishing. And maybe cruise for escorts. Anyway, Dean’s soul is EXHAUSTED. Enough, Tori! ENOUGH!
But what will become of the children? Without Dean to fill up air time, what’s next? On-air therapy with them?
Tori knows this has been hard on them too.
“They weren’t even fazed by me being in the hospital. They’re used to it. And I don’t want them to grow up thinking, ‘Mom’s sick.’ I need to change. I need to prioritize me, and my problem is I put everyone before me.”
Reticent, media-shy, self-effacing Tori. She’s going to begin her self care by taking a “boob vacation” — removing her breast implants. (Take THAT Dean! No more boobs for YOU!)
“Why are you WITH ME?!” wails Dean.
We all wonder that, Dean. Go have a soul break.