I want to ask about divorce as it’s a new year coming and with it brings new beginnings.
It’s been an enlightening holiday season with my ex and his antics but I’ve just ignored them. My daughter’s baby was due on 17 December, but she’s well overdue and will be induced tomorrow. My sister has a rare form of leukaemia and has a 25 percent survival rate so it’s been a challenging holiday period, but I’ve come through it feeling even further from the ex than I had imagined.
I have a complicated issue about divorce, in normal circumstances I get it he cheats, we divorce end of story, but in my case I feel different. The woman he cheated with is Chinese and currently they live in China, as he has a work visa. This will expire in February, as will his employment contract, so he will have to return to the UK to look for work. The OW can only visit him on a tourist visa once or twice a year for 30 days each time. But the thing is, I know that OW is only with him for a permanent visa to live in the UK. I lived in China with my ex for 3 years, so know that this is all they want. It’s unbelievable I know, but it’s kudos for them to have a western guy.
So my problem is that why should I agree to divorce him when I’m quite happy with things as they are? I have my own life, I moved back to the UK, have my own flat, etc. This took some doing in my part, but I’ve done it. The only thing divorce would do is to help my ex get on in life and why should I help him do that? He was my best friend, but he shafted me so why should I help him now in agreeing to divorce?
In divorcing him, he can apply for a fiancée visa, which is what he needs right now to move on. Why should I be the one to help him in this? She can’t move to the UK without the divorce, why should I help her to obtain her goals and use him and me for a visa to the UK?
With this marriage, I thee thwart you? “Commitment” as revenge is not as uncommon as you think. Some dress it up pretty and call it “standing for their marriage,” (they’ll come to their senses!) but I think you’re more clear-eyed than that. You simply wish to deny him a divorce so he cannot marry his little fortune cookie there.
Oh, but I think you should let him.
His fortune cookie reads: “Karma awaits you very soon.” On the flip side — Chinese word for the day! 白痴 báichī – idiot.
If you want revenge, let him marry someone who only wants him for a work visa. Ever see that show “90 Day Fiancée”? Train. Wreck.
However, Lilypickle, here at Chump Lady we counsel against revenge. You should divorce him not because it would screw up his life to marry her, but because it keeps YOU stuck with a fuckwit.
Seriously, staying married to this flagrant cheater is a bad idea for your mental health and your finances. And it’s an affront to marriage itself (if we’re so idealistic as to believe that marriage should be about love and commitment).
It sounds as if you are not financially dependent on this man. You have your own flat and your own life, whereas he is about to be unemployed. You’re taking a huge risk remaining married to a man in an active affair. He could run up debts you would be liable for. (Likely, as he is courting his schmoopie in another country.) He could pin you for support, if you don’t file before he loses his job.
Lilypickle, you’ve been given an opportunity here. The fact that he fervently wants a divorce works in your favor. Hold out for a good settlement. He’s so desperate for a new beginning with Ms. Cookie, he may take your terms.
You drag your feet on this, and delight in thwarting his happiness, Ms. Cookie will look for a new chump and you’re stuck with an unemployed cheater. Act now. See a lawyer.
Happy New Year!