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Dear Chump Lady, What did you do on the anniversary of your D-Day?

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MEHDear Chump Lady,

I can hardly believe it, but February 6, 2015 is not so far off. For me, that day is the one-year anniversary of being publicly humiliated in front of friends at a social gathering/party, when my partner of 6 years met another woman (kibble tosser). They would go on to have a “courtship” of 7 weeks of blissful, deceitful cheating and lying.

As the date approaches, I’d like to do something mighty and meaningful — something to mark the occasion of my new freedom (though I didn’t realize it at the time). I’m curious what chumps have done to celebrate freedom/re-claim their peace on the anniversary of their D-Days, especially when they hit the one-year mark.

Many thanks for your blog, your work and your spirit,

Gwen

Dear Gwen,

I suggest you do absolutely nothing.

Treat it like one of the other 364 days in the year. I promise you, as time goes by, you won’t measure the increments of your life by how far out you are from D-Day.

Not that you’ll ever forget what day it was, you probably won’t. (November 29, 2006). But it will cease to matter. I have absolutely no idea what I did on November 29th this year. Probably dreaded dragging Christmas boxes out of the attic.

Look, you “mark the occasion” of your “new freedom” by being free. You celebrate it every day. Think of the cheater-free change as a lifestyle choice. Like kicking gluten, only more satisfying. (You can stop being a chump AND enjoy cupcakes!)

Making a big gesture on the anniversary of the day you were publicly humiliated is giving meaning to the day you were publicly humiliated. Anniversaries are supposed to be HAPPY events that signify important days in our life — our birthdays, our marriages.

I get that anniversaries can also be solemn events like 9-11, or the invasion of Normandy and such, but we don’t ask ourselves what kind of party we can throw on 9-11 so the terrorists don’t win. We reflect on the day, the sacrifices, the horror — and then we go embrace life with more gratitude.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about taking back our lives after infidelity. But why stop at one day? You want a new ring? Buy a new ring. You want to turn your living room into a giant staging area for your model train collection (that your ex hated)? — do it. But stop giving centrality to cheaters and the shit they pull.

February 6, 2014 was the day you found out who he really is — a guy who sucks. You changed your life accordingly. That’s enough mightiness for today, February 6, 2015, and all the days after.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Do something that you’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but have been telling yourself that you shouldn’t (for whatever reason). Get a massage, get a manicure, go on a trip, play hooky or sign up for online dating.

    If you want to make the day about something, make it about YOU!

    God bless.

    • My 1st fuckiversary was this year, on Oct. 3. I luckily received mediation on the EXACT day. So what did I give my serial emotional cheating, but now full-blown PA cheating f-tard on our 1st fuckiversary, in exchange for my 23 years of loyalty, having & raising his kids and keeping his stupid ass afloat financially??

      NOTHING!! LOL! I got the house, I kept my FULL 3 retirement accounts (he has none & is 41), and most importantly, our beautiful and insanely smart 14 year-old daughter gets ZERO overnight visits with that selish, lying, schemeing moron! Happy fuckiversary, fucktard! LOL!!

      What did I give myself? 60 lbs lost, master’s degree, gonna run a 1st marathon, re-did my kitchen cabinets by-hand, new carpet, new wardrobe, and who knows what’s next? Who cares? I’m cheater-free and just turned 40! Everything is finalized Dec. 30. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ME! Woot!!

      • Good for you! That’s my birthday, I’ll raise a glass to you!! I don’t celebrate D-Day, though I remember it. But my divorce was final on May 20,1998. I met my now husband a few months after that. When we were planning to marry, we pulled out our divorce decrees and he was divorced May 20 1994. So we got married on May 20. Meanwhile cheaterpants is on his fourth marriage. Living well is the best revenge.

  • I got a tattoo that I’d been wanting. I had the words “rise above” tattooed beautifully on my foot. Now every day I’m reminded that this situation didn’t break me.

  • Every year on the anniversary of my D Day, I celebrate my daughters birthday. He doesn’t steal that day from us. 🙂

  • I wish I could just forget the date when he pulled my world out from under me. Unfortunately, he chose two days before my birthday to drop the bomb. Why do they do that? I asked him why he chose to do it then and he asked why it was a big deal. Oh, only because now, for the rest of my life my birthday will be spoiled.

    • Only if you allow his actions to continue to spoiled it, Lina.

      As a chump getting closer to Meh every single day, I can share that there will come a day when you realize DDay was the day you discovered who he really was all along, THANKFULLY. His cheating — while selfish, abusive and mean — and the day your world fell apart forced you to struggle to rebuild a more genuine life. Even though you might only have the foundation set, you’re definitely on safer and more solid ground.

      Go celebrate your birthday with those who truly love and care about you. You are worth it. DDay will become a day you reflect for a moment, hopefully recognize how far you’ve come, and then get the laundry started.

      Hugs to you.

      • Mine dropped the bomb 7 days before my birthday, so I know what you mean. On my birthday, I got to read their disgusting texts between each other. Lovely. I have to agree with ChutesandLadders though. Great advice!

    • Lina,

      My Ex had me served with divorce papers the day before my birthday – as I was leaving for what would have been OUR dream trip to Australia – hell, I thought the process server was the airport driver. Totally knocked the wind out of me because we had signed up for mediation and I rushed around the day before (during my 18 hour work day) to have a waiver of service notarized at Xs insistence (probably due to demands by psycho whore). I had handed it to my X not two minutes before the server showed up when he came to pick up the dog so he could have some time before abandoning our dog that we adopted the year before (I kept the dog). I went bat shit crazy. At that moment, I knew he was dick deep in an affair. In fact, I was screaming it in my street – at high noon!!! Never have I experienced such rage!!! I cried the entire trip. Now, I have to go back and reclaim Australia during happier times, because, well, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have.

      My thought is they do it because it suits them and OW. I think we are a non-factor in any of this narcissism.

      • Oh, just realized we’re talking D Day here. Well, that’s not much better. He did that on the way home from my mother’s ash scattering in Hawaii. I had a period of time when I was walking around crying and not know which one I was crying for – my mom or my husband. Talk about denying someone of closure. When I pointed this out, he kept saying in a nonchalant voice, “there’s no good time for a divorce, Cindy”.

        I hope someone extends him the same compassion someday, but then again, I just don’t give a damn.

        • You would never have done something like that to another soul because you’re a person with compassion. It just goes to show you the difference between you and your ex. I’m so sorry he was so heartless in the way he handled that. My ex also kept asking his attorney why it was taking me so long to respond to the papers being served. Even she told him to please give me some time. These cheaters have long since moved on in their lives, they just haven’t let us know it yet. They can’t understand why we don’t feel the same way they do because they lack empathy.

        • I believe cheaters WANT the shit to hit the fan at certain times/dates to achieve maximum effect…My Dday was on my anniversary, which happens to fall on a major holiday. I’ll let you guess which one. There is no way that day can just be ordinary so, like many here, I choose to use it as a day to do whatever I want. Usually, I go to the beach and just enjoy the solitude. For years, I had to do what everyone else wanted on this holiday. It was exhausting and I don’t know how I managed. Now, I get to decide how to spend the day and I actually enjoy my time alone. I don’t dread that day anymore. I look forward to it!

          • Violet, I totally agree with you about picking dates for maximum effect. The last time I spoke to my STBX was on our 20th anniversary (Jan. 28, 2014). He said he loved me and was coming home that night. He did not show up. He started sending texts with lame excuses why he was delayed. Then on Feb. 17, 2014, he sent me a very vague email saying that he was not coming back and although he wanted to spend the rest of his life ‘enjoying the simple pleasures of living with me. It was not to be’. Feb. 17, 2014 was my 60th birthday.

              • Thanks, cheaterssuck. I didn’t know for a long time that he had run off with a prostitute from Peru. The last time I checked OW’s Facebook page, he looked so bad in all the pictures that I think he is in that special place!

        • A few months after I moved out, nut job text me saying his sperm test came back clear from his vasectomy. He text me that on the day my dad died – knowing that my dad died. It’s all about them. They always have to be in the center of attention. They suck in the most sickliest unhuman way.

    • Lina, Dear!!

      Take back your power, Woman! Do not hand it over to him on a silver platter!
      They do it on purpose, as they do know it is a ‘big deal’ to us, they know what it will do to us. BUT, only if you allow it! You can change that!

      Re-frame the day as being the one that gave you back your life, your freedom and then it will loose it’s ‘power’ to hurt you. Then, eventually, you can ‘forget’ the connection of that date and rejoice in all the new joys of your life. Then, as Tracy pointed out, it will just be like all the rest of the 364-and-a-fourth days of the year—-another day to live a cheater free and authentic life!

      ForgeOn, Lina…..ForgeOn, all……

      • Thank you guys. I’m Trying and Tracy and all of you are so helpful.

        My problem is that while I know what’s true in my head, my body is fighting me. I’ve always had anxiety disorder but now it’s off the charts. I feel too ill to even eat most of the time. I have a therapist and meds counsellor but they cannot find a med I can tolerate. Used to take SSRIs with great success but can’t now. They keep trying new meds and nothing is working. I think I have PTSD and can’t find an EMDR therapist that takes my insurance. I’m very depressed.

        Sorry for what all you guys have gone through. You all inspire me.

        • My Dday was my 40th birthday… I have had 2 birthdays since and they were amazing!…every year since I have traveled to visit friends in cities where my favorite bands are playing…take that shit back … I will never let my asshat narc XW take that day away from me ever again!

          • Aha! My dd is somewhere in June. Had major surgery in the beginning of June 2013, he dropped dday while I was just 1 day out of hospital. No way able to walk, eat, just sleep. A few weeks later was my birthday. He got me an expensive watch ( why in hell), its on ebay now haha. I don’t know the exact date, so thats a good meh sign. Since them I got myself a tattoo, a complete new hairstyle, new colour, manicure. Went on holiday one with my kids alone in May, together with my dad to France in July, and weathered a snow storm today drivin me an my kids to Denmark :-). But yes, they are so stupid in picking their ddates. What is it with these people. Anyway, why I said “aha”, is because I got myself tickets for Fleetwood Mac live next June. Another thing on my bucket list! I love that band. Grew up with it, studied with it for their second round, and listened to Rhiannon during the break up. And now, I am going to see them Live. Yes!!

            • Oh, and I sold our weddingrings and every stupid gold necklace he gave me during our marriage. Did a sad little goodbye wave to the scale at the juweler and felt tonnes lighter when I left

              • Yes! This! One major item STBXH didn’t think about during mediation is my close to $10K wedding set. I didn’t buy it for that much, but did the “trade up” thing back in ’04 after 9 years of “marriage,” and found out that’s what it’s worth today. Divorce is to be finalized this Tuesday, so the ring will be off to an appraiser/buyer within weeks. I already had it re-rhodiumed and it’s fantastic! Depending on how much I get, I’m gonna finally get my tummy fixed from having that assclown’s children 21 & 14 years ago. Been waiting a long time to do it, so the sale of these can’t come soon enough, plus, they obviously didn’t mean anything to him, so they’re just another reminder I’m more than happy to rid myself of. Stay mighty, Chumps! xox!

        • Precious Lina,

          May I?
          Perhaps loose the meds and try some biofeedback and acupuncture for the PTSD.
          I have done both of those for mine. Excellent results! If you can only do one, do the Biofeedback. Trust me…It will be well worth the money, even if you can not find a therapist that accepts your insurance. (I have no insurance. Had to pay out of my extremely limited funds, but worth far more than the $$ I paid!)

          (I hear that EMDR is an excellent therapy, by the way…..)

          Sometimes Amazon Local deals will include offers for biofeedback. Go sign up. Please, check into it. Also, check out some of the other energy medicine therapies and ‘alternative’ therapies.

          I, too, was experiencing a lot of anxiety. If your liver is overburdened and in need of some care & cleansing (which is true of nearly all of us, especially if you have used meds) that could be a major contributor to your anxiety. Yes, this is really true. I addressed my liver issues and the anxiety nearly disappeared. Same for my Mom. She could not believe the difference!

          Please, consider exploring some of these more natural ways. NaturalNews.com is an excellent resource, as is Organic Lifestyle Magazine.com. Adjustments in diet & lifestyle are major in helping us to handle the emotional overload that cheaters bring to our lives.

          Love to you, Lina…

          ForgeOn, all………….

          • Thank you Forge On. I will look into Biofeedback. I would love to lose the meds. Was off them and doing well until he started the emotional abuse that coincided with his A.

            • I would second the alternatives. I, too have difficulty taking meds. Then I started yoga. I found an instructor who is compassionate and was willing to work with me to make sure that I was doing the proper poses. Now, if I miss my weekly yoga work out, I feel stressed and frazzled. I also took a meditation class, because I could never figure out the instructions on the internet on my own. Very, very helpful to me. And worth every penny I spent. Hang in there and keep trying until you find something that works for you. Who knows, you could end up with some new and valuable relationships!

          • ForgeOn!,
            I am sorry to criticize, but unless you are her physician, her psychiatrist or prescribing her medications, that is very dangerous advice.
            If Leia is being prescribed medication by a licensed MD it is because her body chemistry and her mental health require it.
            To suggest that other treatments would be better when you do know know her or her medical history is putting her life and her health at risk.
            The risk of suicide with PTSD is very high.
            Leia may need medication for the rest of her life or only until she is back on her feet. If she were to come off the medications based on the advice of someone on the Internet, no matter how well meaning, it could be life threatening. No one on this site should take that responsibility into their own hands.
            Please fellow members of Chump Nation – while we each have of our own experiences and opinions with medication, PLEASE let’s advise someone to speak with their doctor about alternative options FIRST.

            • Ronni,

              By the way, it was LINA I left the comment for…….

              Read Lina’s comment more closely. She IS working with a doctor! Never did my suggestion include ‘loosing’ her doctor!

              She already stated she was not able to tolerate the meds she was given, so obviously she is being monitored by a licensed physician.

              Additionally, it is only by sharing with others our experiences that we learn about any of the ways to deal with life & health issues, whether it be drugs, meds, meditation, books, exercise, better food choices, etc.

              I have noticed that you did not complain when there was a conversation at the Nation about what different meds chumps had used—there have been several such conversations here, all recommending different types of drugs that had worked / not worked.

              So, why the difference here, when I share about safe, non-drug therapies I used that actually worked?!?

              And, yes, I am FULLY aware of the suicide issue with PTSD. If you will read more closely my comment—I HAVE BEEN THERE!! PTSD & Suicidal for years! Until I tried the natural therapies.

              (By the way, my precious sis-in-law was experiencing PTSD during the same time i was. She did the meds. She’s dead—-Suicide. I did NOT do the meds. I am alive. hmmmmm…..)

              Anyway, this is another reason I LOVE this Nation so much—-we are free to share.
              So, thanks for your input, Ronnie……No offense taken, as this is what freedom of speech is all about.

              ForgeOn, Ronni….ForgeOn, all……

        • Lina,

          Have you tried meditation? It’s free and simple — you can find some basic instructions online to get started. It helped me tremendously with moving through anxiety and finding some balance and peace. I’d recommend it to anyone.

          Be well,
          LilyBart

        • I really feel for you Lena – what you are experiencing is definitely a form of trauma. The good news is that it will not last for ever. The reason that you are feeling this way is because your life was not what you thought it was, you future is now in chaos and you are experiencing the loss of someone or something (an intact family unit) that meant a great deal to you. Your husband was someone who you were strongly attached to. It is like grieving the DEATH of a loved one without any of the positives of a wake etc. I cried every day for about 8 months I cried on the bus, in the coffee shops on my way to work – basically everywhere I went. Some days I felt frozen. Hours would pass and I would barely move – I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink. This is a common physical and psychological reaction to trauma. I have to tell you that this eventually will pass and you will begin to re-frame the end of your relationship as the beginning of something new for you – but it will take time. Mentally acknowledge that you feel this way and that the feeling will pass and there will be a time that you no longer are drowning in this. I tried a few things that I did that helped me move into that space quicker they may help you to do the same although you might be able to identify ways that help you cope better and focus on those. get a recommendation to a really great therapist who specializes in this are. contact your local university for recommendation make sure they are highly qualified and google them to try to read any papers they might have authored or conferences they have been key note speaker at.
          I saw 2 therapists -both were highly recommended but both with a different approach. One gave me practical exercises to do every night. I found some of these helpful. One week she got me to draw a circle with myself in the centre and then in each concentric circle the name of somebody who was a positive and supportive person in my life …. at the end off these layers of circles I was told to place my husbands name outside of the circles – she said “repeat after me he is no longer part of the circles of loving people that influence in your life” I had to stick this above my desk and look at it regularly daily and repeat it ….until it sunk in….

          I spent A LOT of time with friends – best thing ever. I contacted people I hadn’t seen for some time and organised coffee. I found other women I knew that had experienced the same thing and meet them for lunch – some of these women were not women I knew well but they were more than happy to catch up and share their stories with me – we bonded, we hugged, we checked in with each other……nobody understands this craziness like a fellow chump…those people are your people . I found this social support to be amazingly helpful. I started a version of the 1st wives club with anyone that had experienced the same thing and have planned lunch/dinner/walk catch-ups – the only thing to be aware of is that this can sometimes bring up those painful memories immediately after your meetings- but talking about it worked for me. Regular social contact is helpful and important.

          As challenging as it might be try to exercise – research shows it has positive effect on mood. That might be just walking somewhere pleasant for 30 mins a day. Use that time to focus on being in the moment – or do it with a good friend – and don’t always talk about yourself – focus outwardly – on others and what is happening in their lives – even if truly you couldn’t give a shit – I will help to draw you out of your own misery and into the worlds of others – which gives your ruminating mind a short break. Its such a positive for mental health. after months off just wanting to believe that my life had changed forever I had a moment of revelation where I realized it was going to get better. I was sobbing about the fact that my husband had not been scared to lose me that our family was not important enough to him and suddenly I realized that I was done ……I was ready to move on – I then found myself identifying things about him and our relationship that I had simply not liked – I realized I actually didn’t like him that much anymore – I am not angry at him I feel sorry for him – he had a beautiful family of kids that admired and respected him and a wife that was devoted to him and he didn’t see its value. My moment came when I thought do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who values his sexual impulses more than a loving caring family …..and I thought HELL NO
          YOU WILL have this moment. I will come to you in its own time. Hang in there sweetie x

          • So well said, I particularly like the thought about valuing his sexual impulses more than a loving family, so true. I need to keep remembering that.

        • Lina – I hope you have a spiritual connection with God, because then this might be helpful, but if not, then the journey to find your own personal spiritual connection might be a missing piece of the puzzle. It may not be for everyone, but this is a safe place for Chumps, so I’ll share. On my DDay Oct. 3 last year, having grown up in church, I felt I had no where to go but to my “northpoint;” to my church. My church is massive. But that day it was empty, and after finally being able to cry something out (was in shock) I collasped in the smaller chapel and fell asleep for two hours. Just me and God. I’ve dedicated myself to being in that chapel almost daily since, and mostly during my lunch hour from work. See, I always knew God was around when I was willing to give time, but now, I couldn’t even process without His direction. But my journey in transforming my “warm” connection to my Lord into more of a burning need to be connected – I know now – was a part of His bigger plan for me.

          There aren’t any “coincidences” that work out in my favor. It’s not “luck” or anything that I could do on my own to secure my household, my finances, or anything else. It’s been my resolve to not stay stuck on the circumstance, and to play down my horror concerning my cheater’s behavior and betrayal, and instead, it has been training myself to mentally pray it all up. I struggle with my extreme want for immediate fairness and justice in all this, and I believe that eternity is a long time for my cheater to have been wrong about his selfishness & need for happiness at our family’s expense. But keeping my eyes focused on God’s bigger plan for me and my kids – which I now believe INCLUDES His finally setting me free from a life in which I was the only honest and authentic spouse – is the only way I’ve kept from feeling like I was going crazy, and most especially during the first days and months after DDay.

          Yes, the continual counseling has helped, and I hope you’re going, too. Yes, the daily work on the treadmill and coaching soccer, and working helps. But it’s my spiritual journey learning from God’s Word, and centering my soul that saves me. 15 months post DDay, I do still suffer episodes of PTSD (much lesser than the first 9 mos) have weepy days (though fewer & fewer), and when awesome things continue to happen with my kids, and little grandchild, my kneejerk thoughts are sadness for the cheater not being there to experience these things wih me and the family I gave him. But then I turn those thoughts to gratitude that the only people who ever APPRECIAITE all the blessings God has given us, are right there with me, like my amazing family. These are the same people who genuinely love me, too.

          I can also highly recommend trying out the Daily Hope podcast. I’ve listened, and re-re-listened to Pastor Rick Warren’s healing 20-minute messages (sometimes in 2 or 3 parts) focused on loss, healing, and transforming our minds and wills while cooking, cleaning, and driving. My 14 year old really likes them, too. It has helped me know that I’m on the right mental track for pesonal and spiritual healing, and also helps me pinpoint the negative thinking that sometimes holds me back from breaking free from the grip that my STBX’s adultery has had on me.

          All of this is an individual journey for each of us Chumps, and no one can give us a pill, or speech, or “their plan” for the personal work we each have to do, but to NOT do the work, even if it’s just a small thing everyday, keeps us “stuck.” Lina – you’re going to rise above all of this because you’re mighty, just like all of us here supporting each other. But, I’m just encouraging you to also commit to strengthening your spiritual walk as a main part of your healing process, and it doesn’t matter what religion you’re connected to, to see that there’s so much more to our lives than what’s happening to us during this season right now. God is the only one who won’t betray, abandon, lie to, or abuse us. Love & (((hugs))) to you, Lina.

        • Lina, try finding the thing you know you’re good at, something you used to be confident about and contented with, and do some of it every day–give yourself tiny little microvictories on a consistent basis. It doesn’t have to be meaningful for anyone but you. For me, it was online grade-school math problems. All of a sudden it was like, “Wow, I LOVE not having to consider anybody’s ulterior motives for half an hour.” Nobody tries to fuck with you in fourth-grade math.

          This turned out to be more useful than “finding a new passion.” More like finding an old “zone” and reclaiming it.

    • Mine too, Lina, D-Day was exactly 2 days before my birthday. We had planned to go out alone for a very nice dinner. Instead, I was in a bewildered horrible hell, and he neither wished me a happy birthday, checked on me or our children, or otherwise cared at all. You know what though, now I have nothing but happy things to celebrate for my birthday. F**k them.

    • LIna, the last time I saw Jackass was my birthday, I had great trepidation about being “alone” on that day this year and about the possibility I would be caught up in remembering him, the gaslighting, the discovery–and not just in my mind but that somehow all the pain would flood back. So I got busy and tried to plan a lot of stuff for that day, but we were on fall break and everyone went away with family…so I spent my birthday alone.

      And had the time of my life. I did what I wanted, went out to dinner at my favorite hamburger joint, went to a movie, and then on a (little) shopping spree. I had a great time and learned (at age 63) that I am the most important person who needs to celebrate me. All along the way, I reminded myself that birthdays, holidays, and even D-Days are just another calendar day. The real issue? We only get so many days. Life is finite and short; I can’t afford to spend even one day caught up thinking about that jackass’s actions. I am profoundly grateful that he’s gone. If I’m lucky, I will never even run into him on the street. Can’t think what I saw in him. And frankly, most of what I liked about being/living with him I have here on my own, only without the verbal abuse, the provocations, the lying, the gaslighting and so on.

      There is not a human on the planet who could ever spoil my birthday. I am so grateful to be alive, to be healthy, tho have a home, great work, family and friends. My secretary said to me today that I am much stronger than I used to be. Indeed. And I am not taking shit from anybody ever again. Lina, f*** your X or STBX or whoever he is. It’s your birthday. Spend it loving yourself.

      • Hi Lina: One day at a time – take baby steps toward recovery. That’s all your traumatized mind can do. Be gentle with yourself – celebrate a small accomplishment each day. I remember celebrating just getting out of bed, after D-Day. After that, I celebrated getting out of bed and having a shower. After that, I celebrated getting out of bed, having a shower, and eating breakfast. Seems crazy now, when I read this, but at the time, that was my life. Months and months went by and ever so slowly, I regained my old self. And so will you.

        • Thank you all for your help and suggestions. Lots of good ideas here. I truly appreciate all of you and so sorry what everyone has had to go through. What a special group of caring people. (((hugs)))

    • My birthday was just over a week before my birthday. (It’s odd dday was so close to birthdays and anniversaries for so many of us!) For that birthday, thankfully a good friend took care of me and made sure I had plans for the day, but I was in a fog and in the awful state one tends to be in shortly after dday. The following year (this past birthday), I threw myself a party and invited all my friends in the area. It was really moving to stand there and see the people who had supported me during that year of hell. (And it was also a little bittersweet because I was also fully aware that this isn’t the life I thought I would have and I missed what I thought I had before dday, but also knew that was not what I actually had.) But I felt profoundly thankful, even with the mix of emotions. I expect next year will be much better and hopefully have no or less bittersweet feelings!

  • I plan to be on a cruise ship en route to Jamaica with my 20 year old son and 10 year old daughter. The particular date doesn’t matter, but gosh those two people surely do!

  • My D-Day was April 20, 1999 – the day of the Columbine massacre. The two tragedies, unfortunately, are forever linked in my mind.

    Having said that, as a significant piece of time went by, the psychological impact of both those events dissipated. Now 15 years later, on that anniversary, I think more about the families of children killed that day, than I do about the loss of my first marriage.

    • tflan–Mine was 9/11 of this year. Towers certainly did come down that day.

      I like the ring idea, CL, especially combined with ideas from two other chumps on a previous post/forum that they bought rings to fit their middle finger. Thinking I may do that as my Christmas present to myself.

      • The day of my D-Day I literally went to the local mall and bought myself a “Freedom Ring” in one of the jewelry stores. It is a ring with a lovely cushion cut semi-precious stone, beautiful to me and completely my choice (it sure beat the somewhat embarrassingly small diamond my ex bought me when we were engaged 26 years earlier). Two years post D-Day, when I got engaged to my sweet and wonderful new husband, I told him I did not want an engagement ring from him. Crazy as this may sound, I wore my Freedom Ring until the wedding and then got a plain gold band. Whenever anyone asked to see my engagement ring, I just showed them my Freedom Ring. It gave me a laugh to think how hilarious I would have found it if, on my D-Day when I bought that Freedom Ring, I could have imagined it doubling as my “engagement ring” to a far better man than my ex.

        • Kelly, that is so awesome! You rock!

          I, too, bought a ring (inexpensive, but still a pretty silver one) to fit my left middle finger, as well as a tiny ‘pinkie’ ring to emphasize the lack of wedding rings.

          I love how you call it your ‘Freedom Ring’! If I may, I would like to refer to my ring as my ‘Freedom Ring’ too! Or maybe I could call my other ring, the one on my right hand ‘ring’ finger, the one that holds my original engagement diamond (now remounted), my ‘Freedom Ring’?

          Either way, I love the creative ways my fellow chumps have taken the ‘uglies’ of life and turned them into something beautiful, a celebration of new life!

          ForgeOn, Warrior Princess (aka Kelly)! ForgeOn, all…

          • ForgeOn, I’d be honored if you named one of your rings after mine, whichever pleases you more! I got the idea from a friend of mine who over 10 years ago was sick of her passive-aggressive narc husband who was only nice to her when he wanted to show off, and who insisted on buying her expensive sapphire jewelry in front of their friends while on a cruise to Bermuda. She decided then and there it would be her “freedom jewelry.” It just came to me on D-Day that I needed much the same thing. So FORGE ON!

            • Thank you, Warrior Princess!!

              I have decided that BOTH of my rings are ‘Freedom Rings’! So glad you shared your ‘background story’ about the term. {{{{HUGS!}}}}

              Had some ‘stupid’ from my STBX today, so it was especially inspiring to share in this exchange of encouragement from this loving group of people.

              Love all of you! Thank you for being among the ‘best of the best of the best’! Thank you, dear Tracy, for being the ‘ring leader’!

              ForgeOn and GoodNite!

          • My Mum got hers remodelled, and it was far more attractive, a bold, plain setting in a wider band instead of lots of filigree to attract dirt, even had a new diamond as the original has fallen out of its mount a little earlier (hmmmm, a “sign?”) She wore it as a dress ring after her divorce. I looked after it after her death, her husband kept her (much more beautiful) second set, platinum London Bridge setting, antique. I offered it to my youngest brother when he got engaged, and my SIL now wears it very prettily. It’s an object. One they have kept the connection to our Mum with, but reassigned new meaning to.

            I love that. I don’t do diamonds, never have (ethics of the whole piece of carbon valued because the diamond industry constructed the value, at the expense of workers, yaddah, yaddah) so I was pleased it was re-homed and that it is appreciated.

            I also do not mark Dday, yes, of course I know when it is, will always know that it is “today.” But yeah, don’t give it any oxygen to breathe. Find a new way to celebrate your new life, never wanted, but dammit, this is what we got, and we have to make it a damn good one!

      • I bought a simple silver ring with a purple mystic topaz (for my Scorpio moon and my crazy mother). It cost $50 but it is so meaningful. I am still keeping my eye out for the perfect vintage ring, but meanwhile, this one gets the job done.

  • My 2nd and final DDay was 10-7-13 and on that date, this year, I wrote to him, in my handwriting (therapeutic, they say) my 1st hate mail. Any of the other emails I’d written him in the past year (maybe 5), were nicey nice; I was in the midst of ‘hopium’. And the last hate mail (in my writing again) was 11-14-14, the anniversary of meeting him 11 years ago; had we still been together. Well after hearing absolutely nothing from him because he is the typical coward cheater, I just got an email from him yesterday! I really wanted to end this 2014 with NC starting 2015 and had planned (already written) the final email (I’m the one who never got to purge; I played nice the entire 2+ years after 1st DDay. He gave me an STD and I have stated that as well in the last couple emails I sent. Anyway, I need advice. I know some will say don’t send, but I’m gonna send this final letter and let it all hang out, as they say.
    But in the mean time, here is what he had to say in the email sent yesterday. I’d love to know what everyone makes of it besides bullshit and some advice for my final. Ready? Cheater says: I have thought about this for over a month now…I just wanted to say…From the bottom of my heart…I am sorry…I am human…And I have made a lot of mistakes…I truly never meant to hurt you in any way…If it is any consolation…I haven’t seen or spoken to A*** since this past summer…I know it may be hard for you to believe, but I am very sorry I hurt you!!!

    • Hoovering. He meant to hurt you each time he spoke to A. And chose to. And he still thinks he’s SO CENTRAL to your life that after the hellfire you’ve endured you are supposed to care that he’s not happy with his horrible choices. That, dear, is only consoling in the fact that you now have absolute confirmation he theew away a good woman for nothing. If he were still frolicking with her, would you be getting this email? Nope. he’s standing in the carnage of his own detonation trying to piece the shrapnel back into a bomb. Still trying to shape his ideal girl from the blasted bits of several women’s bodies and souls.

      Get a little satisfaction from his shame spiral, and then keep moving. I really can’t advise whether to send your response. I rather enjoyed the two times I laid it out for my ex, and I’ve been 99% NC. The best thing you can take from a sad sausage missive like this is the reassurance you were right, you were not crazy, and he’s a mess you’re well rid of.

      • His words are complete bullshit, IHH. “If it is any consolation.” Yeah, it’s not. “I’m human.” Whatever. He’s feeling so very sorry for himself and he wants you to help him feel better. Responding to him is just going to be kibbles — and from a rare and valuable supply, coming from you.

    • Dear IHaveHate,

      They have no hearts, so saying ‘from the bottom of my heart’ means nothing good.
      Put that e-mail through the Universal BS Translator, please!

      If they ‘never meant to hurt you’, they would have never had an affair. That is one of the stupidest, lowest, most illogical lines all cheaters say.

      The line, ‘I am only human’ especially makes me ill! Yes, we are human. That means we are higher than brute beasts, so we have the power to control ourselves, delay gratification and so on, unlike the brute beasts! (Even at that, some animals do mate/pair-up for life.)

      Cheaters use that line as a ‘free pass’ to do as they please. You and I are human, too. Which means you and I do not lie & cheat because we are higher than that. God made us in his image, with the ability to reason, choose and access situations. Cheaters thrust that gift aside and choose to be lower than human, to act like brute beasts that only do what their instincts and drives make them do. So, please see that line for what it is—-a sorry excuse.

      Oh, and the ‘mistakes’ line—-a ‘mistake’ is picking up a gallon of skim milk when you really wanted the whole milk, or taking the wrong exit off the highway.

      Cheating is a conscious choice, a firm, thought-out decision. Especially if it was repeated. Doing something wrong one time could be considered a mistake in some situations. Doing something wrong repeatedly is NOT a ‘mistake’.

      Anyway….I gotta go now, but you did ask for some thoughts on the subject…..Hugs to you! Stay strong!

      ForgeOn, IHaveHate, ForgeOn, all…..

      PS: Careful with ‘hate’. Do not let it turn around and consume you……Control it, so it can take you out of danger, not into danger…….

    • “If it is any consolation…”

      Cheater speak: “I know how you feel now that….”

      “I haven’t seen or spoken to A*** since this past summer”

      Cheater speak: “OW broke it off with me this past summer.”

      “I know it may be hard for you to believe”

      Cheater speak: “You have every reason NOT to believe”

      “I am very sorry I hurt you!!!”

      Your rage means nothing to this coward who gave you an STD. He has no conscience and you are giving him your pain in letter form for him to hold onto and it means NOTHING to him. He will read it, maybe, but it is gibberish to a narc.

      Rave on here and give him silence. He doesn’t deserve I word from you.

      I’ve play nice. He is still looking for rage. I will never let him have my rage.

    • IHaveHate…..we are certainly kindred spirits here…your dates are eerily close to mine….and it has been utter hell, let me tell you, a shoebox full of meds hasn’t really helped. I see a Trauma Counselor which has been more helpful than many other counselors I’ve seen. That said, my heart goes out to you. I am sitting here on my couch in my dark cramped bullshit apartment, in tears, still. Hopium is a killer. Rational Me knows there is no scenario in all of space and time where this can reasonably work out, Emotional Me is not such an easy sell. Frankly, I think they pick us for reasons just like that. I did not reply to my Asshole Ex’s last BS attempt to engage me in a game of “I’m so sorry, only you can help me” simply because he never expressed being sorry for destroying me, just sorry for “being human” just like yours, and, as is typical, he let me know, that I was REALLY the one who tore our family apart by leaving…..it’s hard not to respond, I know it too well. I just hope you know, as everyone else here has said, it’s all Bullshit. There is no “bottom of your heart” when you don’t have one. Just last night someone lectured me on forgiveness and whatnot, and I gotta be honest here, I don’t know how. I am jealous of all of you out there who grab life by the horns, say “screw that” and blaze forward. I feel totally paralyzed and feel like I am going downhill every single day. Just sayin, try and keep your head up, and if you can’t, you can always sink to the bottom and sit with me down here….it’s lonely here in my private hell.

      • Dear SuperChump:
        As I know you are feeling low, I decided to help you by writing the reply to your X (to send or not–your choice).

        Dear Fucktard,
        I am not the only one who can help you. In fact, no one can help you because you are missing a key component of humanhood. It’s probably congenital, so it may just be something you need to compensate for by learning to feign compassion, or starting from scratch–think of yourself as a 3-year old, without self-control and without empathy, and deliberately consider “How would I feel if I were in the other person’s shoes?” Eventually you can work your way up to complex empathy problems such as “How would I feel if the person I entrusted my heart to completely turned my life into a bad B-movie by screwing someone else, lying to me, and corrupted all my memories for even the good parts of a marriage?” But the last problem will take YEARS because you do not currently have the theory-of-mind of a bonobo chimp. Best of luck to you, though, on your path of self-discovery.

        In the meantime, every time you consider contacting me, please sit on 100 tacks (head up), or put duct tape around your head and pull it off, slowly. This should distract you from any further thoughts of reconciliation for awhile. Because know this–what you did to me emotionally is significantly more painful than the tacks or the duct tape.

        May a bus hit you,
        SuperChumps

        • Well Tempest, you actually got me to crack a smile today, which is really something as I’ve mostly spent the day trying to talk myself out of ending it all. I know we all have unique stories that are scarily in the same vein. Mine wasn’t just ‘an affair’ (not that it would have been any less painful) but what I found out blind sided me and I haven’t been the same since. I don’t really know who I am anymore or why I can’t seem to budge. He took everything I believed I was away from me. He had been cheating for the duration of our 13 year relationship. And I never, ever, saw it coming. That’s why I see a Trauma/PTSD counselor, the shock of it all was beyond me in so many ways, the cowardice on his part forced me to have to put on a happy face and pretend it was all okay for the kids every single day. I didn’t tell anyone for a year. It was awful. There were girlfriends yes, the last of which was living with him while he was away for work ” busting his ass for our family” as he said. But then, there were the hookers, call girls, massage pa

          • Parlor whores, backpage escorts, you name it…shit, I’m STILL connecting retrospective dots, and it’s excruciating….I know all the pep talks and the get off your ass and start living talks, but I gotta tell you, sometimes if look around me and realize I have no clue where to begin. The thing about being deceived by someone you adored, for such a long time, is that you lose your ability to trust your own judgement. after all, up until D-Day, and for a long time after, I’d have never, ever believed any of it possible. He would NEVER do something so horrible to us…..I’ve never been so wrong in my miserable life…..

              • Superchump: I also was lectured to, the other day by a family friend about forgiveness and turning the other cheek after D-Day. I could barely contain myself and I am 15 years after the event. I asked him, as a happily married man, in a long term marriage, what he could possibly understand about the pain of adultery – he hadn’t lived through it, he knew NOTHING about it. My vitriol was surprising, even to myself. I lost sleep after that troubling conversation. The bottom line is that we belong to a particularly sad club – people who have been betrayed in the worst possible way. Those who have not been through this trauma cannot even hope to understand our anguish. It’s like telling someone who has lost a child that you understand their grief. You will never understand, until heaven forbid that happens to you. That’s why this blog is so important – our shared experience is what brings us together.

              • SuperChump – hang in there! You have been dealt one of the cruelest blows of infidelity. You seem to be suffering PTSD – which I think happens a lot to us who never thought we had a marriage problem – I thought marriage was a little too easy, it was so much fun. Deliriously happy!

                You were not only blindsided by affairs, but all these kinky prostitutes and whatnot – a huge double blow. And then to suddenly get blown off a cliff, out of the complete blue – of dday. The world is completely upside down and neither of us expected anything like this from our husbands. Mine was a really nice guy! There is not a day goes by that I wonder how this could have happened – 1 yr from dday (35 married – now divorced). I am also unmotivated – but I am trying to look happy to the public and get out. But, I’m consumed and read all these boards that really help.
                Yet – I’m stuck.
                I haven’t worked in 20 yrs so don’t have that to motivate me. I felt low enough to commit hari-kari – but my dogs stopped me. Think of your kids – always when you have those deep thoughts and the harm you would do. And…to all our loved ones. Keep them in your heart instead. Your ex does not deserve to take up that space.

                Perhaps I had far too much of my identity wrapped up with my Ex’s and that’s why I’m trying to figure out who I am and what will make me happy. I do know that I will never trust another soul as completely as I did him.

                Please take care, Super – and know we’re all holding your hand.

              • tflan386–I admire your self-control. You did not rip the throat out of your family friend, so that is an accomplishment. Vitriol in the circumstances is FULLY warranted.

                Frankly, the only thing I may hate as much as cheaters are sanctimonious assholes who want to minimize the damage from affairs. I don’t even care what excuse they use to minimize it–religious ideals of forgiveness, “boys will be boys,” monogamy-is-unnatural–they are all evil, insidious ways to heap insult onto injury of chumps, and to invalidate our feelings.

                Your friend deserved your ire, and even if it did not change his views, at least he will learn to keep his pie-hole shut.

            • Just gotta throw in my 2 cents here……I know all about being blindsided, devastated and stuck. And I can tell you what helped me get moving again. For me it was simply doing what was in front of me at the time and to the extent I was capable of, which some days wasn’t much.
              I definitely went to counselling, which helped. I told my story to those who cared. Someplace along the way I healed enough to get truly and utterly pissed which gave me the energy to start reclaiming my life and my personhood. I think when we reclaim righteous anger it gives us the push to stop blaming ourselves and begin to put the blame where it actually belongs….with the cheating fucktards.
              At this point I actually do not remember the exact day of D Day. Ii was in the summer, but beyond that…..ffffttt…gone.
              Sending hugs to all of you . Please know that it is a process, getting over one of the shittiest things that one person can do to another. Trust me to tell you ….you will heal, on your own time table, at your own speed. We are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for, even when we feel utterly broken. And it’s for damn sure ….we are a lot stronger than they are.
              If you don’t believe me ….reflect on how much strength it took to live with the cheaters day after day after day……and still not smother them in their sleep.
              I know that you do not feel that way, but you all are already mighty.

              • Tessie…thank you so much for these true kind words of wisdom. I have read your story here and I know how very brave you are. Your words have touched me profoundly.

          • Superchump, we are sisters married to the same asshole. I will not minimize your pain. It’s real. It sucks. I was duped for 17 or 18 yrs out of 20. Totally, completely used, duped.

            What I know 100% about it all is that it is not about you. I would say with another 100% certainty that your cheater has cheated in every single relationship he has ever had. Unfortunately we married these creeps and these creeps hurt us to our core. None of this is your fault, your shortcomings or whatever else the asshole would like to dump on you covertly.

          • SuperChump–I’m not surprised you’re seeing a Trauma counselor. The infidelity + tawdry details of your H’s activities is startling to the core. There is probably no way to ever wrap your mind around it, but trust me–it does recede. And you get better at thrusting the responsibility onto them and their corrupt little souls. When you feel that your shoulders can’t handle it anymore–seek social support any way you can get it. I had 4 people I could call, one every 4 days so as never to be without a safety net as I suffered panic attacks, and thoughts of wanting to die. But you don’t–trust me.

            Find one thing to focus on when the pain is at its worst and pay attention to that. Physical activity of any kind every day is necessary–hard physical activity. Whether it is running, walking hard, or dancing–do it. I had Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” on endless loop for a week, then danced to bang-your-head music the next (I recommend Billy Idol and the Ramones). You’ll find if you can just distract yourself for 10 minutes, the pain diminishes just enough to keep going.

            And stay on this site–we’ll prop you up (and sharing what worked for you props the rest of us up in our awful hours).

            And try NOT to connect the dots–there is NO sense to be made of your H’s actions.

            • I still have panic attacks. No one who has not been through this will ever understand the magnitude of our loss and the effects of our spouse’s betrayal on our lives.

              I tried to self harm after BD. I hit rock bottom and have seen some pretty dark days.

              After moving to a strange city for his career and getting fired as his wife 6 weeks later, I did something for myself that saved me. I went back to school.

              Every day I picked my sorry ass up and went. Some days I cried in the bathroom or threw up. But I went. I did it for me.

              Now I have a new career and a better life. I am still fragile – but I am standing on my own two feet and he cannot hurt me any more.

              Our lives will never be the same after what has been done to us and our children. But we are worth one thousand of them and never forget it. God has given you a purpose in this world and one day you will rise and shine above all of this.

              And for all of those people who like to hand out advice to us ( you know who you are ) that have never been cheated on, betrayed and lied to, given an std or lost 50% of your children’s time to a fucktard and his tru lurv,
              I openly say go fuck yourselves.

      • I am too sitting in my private hell after being chumped three months ago, My XH was a cheater and so was the next man I got involved with, my D day was just after my birthday, but I knew he didn’t want to be with me on that day, just had a feeling but my whole being was screaming that it couldn’t be true, he would never do this to me! But here I am three months down the line, crying everyday and hoping that by some miracle he will come back to me. I have read almost all the posts on this site and I too wish I could get to the stage of not caring. I long for that moment and admire you all for your strenght and I will keep on reading waiting for my day to dawn.

        • deedee – three months out is stil the period of anguish. You will heal so gradually it is hard to mark – but heal you will. Do not be hard on yourself and know that your mind and body will right themselves.

          Stay on this site – this is where you will be offered wisdom and support.

          I’m sorry for your heartache.

      • That’s what I was going to say. Count the # of “I”s/

        I would NOT send. You and I did the same thing–played “nice” and now we regret that. Don’t go in the other direction. “No contact” is the most cutting message you can send. Best of luck–your’re getting there.

        • LAJ is right. The only thing that will hurt him is you not taking his bait. They are like small children who think nothing happens when they are not in the room. They walk out, they walk back in and you are supposed to be there to receive them with open arms. Ignore the hell out of him. Let him feel sorry for himself. He doesn’t feel sorry for you, so surround yourself with people who can actually care for you.

          Do not respond. Please. Do it for yourself. You deserve the respect you have earned. Not a crumb some asshat decides to toss you to keep you around until he can find a new kibble factory.

  • November 1, 2012. On november 1, 2013 i was a depressed mess but elated because my divorce was final. This year the day came and went without much fanfare. It gets better every day and every day i realize how much hate, anger, and torment i endured for 16 years. Never again will i willingly put myself insuch a horrible spot.

  • I forgot, I must add that I think I got this because he may be afraid. Though I never have made a threat, he has always been afraid or so he has said of my family and any reprecussions. I’m Italian and he has the typical ‘mob’ fear. lol

    • LOL IHaveHate. My first LTR started when I was 18, I told him if he ever fucked another woman and got in bed with me afterward I’d have him killed, years later I knew he was fucking around because he stopped having sex with me. He totally believed me…yeah, I’m Italian too, with lotsa family up in NJ. I once asked him why he thought I’d really kill him, his answer “I knew your Dad, he told me the same thing”.

      • PS: If you respond at all, just tell him you aren’t interested in any of his thoughts, in fact you aren’t thinking about him at all and tell him not to contact you again. Then block him on all devices. NC. Jedi Hugs!

  • Mine left a couple of days before Christmas with no warning– I was completely blind-sided. It was like being hit by a train. I still celebrate Christmas and New Year, but I certainly cannot say I am all sunshine and giggles this time of the year. But then again, I never really like Christmas to begin with. Red and green don’t go together, it’s dark, it’s cold, the traffic is gnarly, and then ham. I just add the death of my marriage to that list right next to giant-ass bows.

    However, I no longer remember specific dates– Discovering the infidelity, the decree date, etc.

    • I no longer remember specific dates either, I know around what week in what month, but dates are jettisoned from my memory. I know usually I’ll be going along and then just be kinda down those weeks, and think, “Man, what’s up with me?” and then I realize. The only date I still remember is what was our anniversary date – it’s right near a holiday. The only time I can remember doing anything special on that day, was when I went out on date with a sweet guy who knew I was down and wanted to cheer me up, so even though he was sick with a bad head cold, took me out for ice cream and made me laugh. Sweet guy is now BF.

    • DrICBIAC – that totally cracks me up. As I get ready for the season – NOT, I realized I never much cared for this holiday either. As much as I miss the great family memories. I’m doing this one the way *I* want – alone (with dogs) for the first time and just pretend it’s another day. Glad my friends understand.

  • I agree with CL on this. But want to share true story of my first anniversary of first Dday… I.e., the one when he walked out after a few days of begging to reconcile ( i let him back months later, with all his remorse and promises, only to have him walk out again to be with MOW)

    I was still in and out of PTSD shock at the time. I did not plan anything. In fact i was not even aware of the date relevance until later. This date also happened to be my dad’s birthday (died 11 years prior) and a special feast day in my religion. So i went to church, remembered my dad…one of the most honest men in the world, truly… and the rest is a blur except when the doorbell rang. Some neighbors heard what happened, that i was planning to sell the house, and they wanted to buy it.

    So on my first anniversary i let the flow of the universe help me let go and move me forward. And i got the full asking price for my house during a time when no one was buying! Not bad for a chump, eh?

    • So happy for you. And amazing how when we surrender that pain and do our best to move forward, the universe carried us forward.

  • Thankfully, I have no memory of the particular dates of my two D-days. I know for some, the dates will be burned into their brains, especially if they came on or near other significant dates, like a birthday, or Christmas. And that truly sucks. It’s just one more way the cheater ruined something for you.

    In that case, performing a ritual for taking back that date seems like a very healing and healthy thing to do. A ritual you need only perform once.

    Christmas Eve morning will be the second anniversary of my divorce being final. I’m going to privately celebrate it as a day of liberation (that I didn’t want at the time). The cool thing that happened for the first time this year is that I didn’t realize my wedding anniversary had passed until two weeks after the date. And that was only because my mother’s wedding anniversary happened, and it reminded me of my own. Otherwise, that date was just another day to me. No angst, no sadness, no nothing.

  • I agree CL. It’s nothing. Mine just past ta couple weeks ago. 2nd year anniversary of DDay 1. Funny thing thought, I don’t actually know what day it was. I know it was the week before my sons birthday. And then my 2nd DDay was 2 days after my daughter’s birthday. What is with my cheater and b-days? Oh well. By the time the day comes around, I forget all about it, because I have so many more things to think about, and I am always working on something new to help create my new and fabulous cheater-free life. I’m only 2 years out, but honestly I don’t even remember it until after the day has passed. You’ll get there in time. Trust that he sucks and keep forging on with your bad-ass self!

  • The first two DDays, I do not remember the exact dates (April 1999 and end of April 2010). I DO remember the final DDay (March 20,2012) and now it is commemorated as being the almost date of my divorce, March 22, 2013!
    On March 22, 2013 I was overseas for work, doing what I love, so THAT is what I now associate with the date.
    It was actually funny… We’d had a long day, everyone was hanging out checking email messages as we had not had interent contact for 4 days, and I got to announce, “oh, look, my divorce is final. ” Then I laughed as I read the next message. “and guess what? ExH’s girlfriend is pregnant again.”

    I agree with everything else. Ignore the date for the DDay reason, and do something special for you.
    (And maybe something for me… February 6th is a date I will never forget. That is the day my father up and disappeared and abandoned my family.
    He picked a date only a few days before my mum’s 40th birthday. He eventually came back, but in reality only to get divorced to marry the girlfriend.)

  • It is okay to feel sad on the anniversary, Gwen. I hope you do something to take care of yourself as you grieve what was stolen from you. Do something if you like or find some friends who will support you on that day in whatever state you find yourself. In other words, I encouraging you to have a plan for this currently hard day for yourself as well as to extend compassion to yourself. It is okay to feel sad/angry on that day.

  • He told me about OW #1 right before our 2nd wedding anniversary in September two years ago. DDay #2 was right after his Christmas Party in early December. We separated in January but didn’t make it official until February. I moved 3 hours north at the end of March. I don’t care about the exact dates (except I needed the first separation date for our divorce papers). Looking back, I just wish I had walked out in September 2012 and saved myself months of torment.

    Last year the whole period from September to March was hard. This year I filed for divorce and it was finalized in August. That was an awesome date (but I don’t remember the exact day).

    Now I have my bright future ahead of me and all those dates don’t matter at all. They are in the past.

  • I call these dates ASSiversaries, because External-bleeding-with-pus-and-fecal-matter-hemorrhoidiversaries is just too long to spell.

  • I don’t care about DDay. I have about a year until that date anyway. What I just realized it that we will have another wedding anniversary before I get back around to DDay and finally able to file for divorce in my state. Ugh. That stinks. I will need to find something to do or somewhere to go for that. It’s in June. June was always a busy month for us. Our wedding anniversary, STBXH’s birthday and Father’s Day. The month of June just got freed up for me.

    I think CL is right, celebrate everyday as a day of freedom and choice. LIVE. Care for yourself. Spend your energy where YOU choose and make sure it’s positive and spent in a way that lifts your spirits and those who are deserving- Family and friends. When we live like Yoma does, someone will notice our joie de vivre and think, “I want to know HER” or “I want to know HIM”. We will reap what we sow.

    • Yes. My June was freed up as well. Divorce was final this September. July 14th anniversary came just before that date. Gosh, I thought, I just made it to 19 years. Got a little mad, but hey, what can you do. November 29th, thats the birthday of my first born son who died a week after birth, 17 years ago. Last year I went to a classic concert in our capital city at one of the worlds best concert halls, listening to the live performance of the requim that was played at my boys funeral. My exh bought these tickets for “us”, while he was already cheating on me, with the woman who stood crying at my hospital bed 16 years earlier (who makes this up???). So I kept those tickets away from the settlement and went with my dad. Guess who texted me a happy concert right before? God, I was so mad. No one takes away that day from me, and I am certainly not sharing that day with exh! So, while July came and went, without a thought, November never comes and goes easily. I was very gratefull that exh did not try to “bond” over that this year. That much I get. It is a sad thing to share kids with these cheaters, but to share such a painfull thing, that is not possible. I never thought anything could break us after that, but it did. Ok, got sidetracked…… But yes. Live your live. Reclaim what is yours. Take all and give nothing back 😉

  • I stayed with my cheater x for three years after dday and each year that date and the date the affair started would knock the wind right out of me. Even on year three when we had made the decision to divorce. I thought I’d get a free pass for those days but not so much.

    The funniest thing happened this year. I actually didn’t think about those dates until after they had already passed. Every year prior, when the calendar struck October 1st (about 6 weeks prior to dday and the day he proclaimed their affair started) the universe would change for me. This year I didn’t give it a thought until it had passed.

    I think Chump Lady has said it before but the biggest “trigger” a chump faces after dday is the cheater himself. Once that asshat was out of my life those dates no longer held any importance to me and I didn’t trigger about it at all. I am definitely not going to do anything to signify those dates and make them more important.To borrow from the Geico commercial: “I was happier than Gallagher at a Farmer’s Market” that I forgot all about them!!

    • I feel that I could be on the road to recovery and moving on like most folks do. But I will ALWAYS have the STD gift he gave me as a reminder. This is the hardest part of all for me to move forward. I’m not sure of anyone out there that can’t wait to be with someone with an STD!!! Can’t let that go!

      • Dear IHaveHate,
        Not sure what STD you were gifted with but if you have read the statistics and public health information… About one in 5 americans have genital herpes… Most undiganosed… And the same holds true for HPV… The virus responsible for genital warts… And more sucky… Cancer. Statistics almost equal for other diseases acquired thru sexual activity. Thats about 50 million Americans… Chances are at some point in your life you will bump into another soul worthy of your time and love who has it or had a partner with symptoms.
        These are disease acquired thru contact…much like any other contagious disease… Any other contagoius disease.Stop the stigma. If u acquired something else not associated with sex… Would you be considered dirty if you had diabetes? PTSD? No.
        And you are not.
        My guess is half of the people who participate in this blog have one… Known or unknown. Anyone with half a brain who is sexually active should anticipate that they have been exposed and or carry… Its just real.
        And yes it adds to your wounding… And yes its something you will have to explain to your next partner…but much like anything else we carry into a new relationship… You will see who is worthy of u. Someone who wont hang yr past over your head. And STD or a diagnosis of PTSD…Because we all carry baggage… But like the saying goes… Its who is willing to help u unpack… Thats the one.

        • TheClip….thank you for your kind words. I think where I get stuck is with PTSD, diabetes etc, the other person can’t contract that……..herpes, they can. Definitely feeling somber.

  • I had 5 ddays spanning 5 years! I remembered each for quite a while until the next one appeared…..lucky me! I swear at times. I think I memorized them on purpose just to torture myself. Now……I am 8 months post divorce and I can’t honestly remember a one of them! I remember the season or an event that takes place around the time, but not the specific date. And for that……I am thankful!!!! Those were sole crushing times that stole my happiness from me. In no way do I want to relive them or commemorate them.

    I do plan on taking a walk on the beach on the anniversary date of my divorce. I want to celebrate the reconnection of SELF and the freedom from the pain. The weight has lifted and I have never felt better in my entire life!!!!!!!!!

  • My D-Day was on Mother’s Day a few years ago. That day for me is now a non-event as my kids don’t speak to me anyhow. I have been airbrushed from their lives and also the family history that I built without the ex’s help. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I find it amazing how we eventually do adjust and just get on with it. So there will be no more Mother’s Day celebrations for me ever!! 🙂

    • Maree, I don’t know your pain, but I feel your pain. Not sure if your kids are parents yet, but if not, and once they are, I would hope they will see what it’s like to be a loving parent.

      • IHH, my daughter is 35, married and if she ever does have children, I will not be told. My son is 32 and he is a gay boy, so I can’t see any children from him. My pain is very deep because I love my kids so deeply but I am learning to shove the hurt down much like I did when I was married. Time will take care of the pain. As I stated on another post, it doesn’t get better it just gets different. Maybe that is when we reach Meh, I don’t know but I hope so.

    • Maree–how cruel that your X deprived you both of your marriage and your children!! There’s a special place in hell for him.

      Were your children adults at the time of your split? I can only hope that they will come around to realizing their mistaken loyalty and fix the situation.

      • Tempest, as my comment above, my kids are well and truly adults. I can say that slowly the truth about the ex is starting to be known but I find that people are weak and if they lack character they think that he hasn’t done anything wrong. The amount of times I have heard “as long as he is happy”. I respond with “at what price, the destruction of our family”. People are stuck for an answer then and that is when I know people really don’t care if it doesn’t affect them. It is not their problem it is mine.

        • Thats because the far majority of people are weak minded fools, shit for morals or just don’t care. Thats why they pull the ‘as long as he’s happy’ shit – its only one step away from being a cheater apologist.
          You’d have to have a few screws loose to even think that fucking teenage prostitutes in his 60s is even remotely appropriate, even if he was a single man.
          People are sick fuckers these days. Age of entitlement, indeed.

    • Maree – I think you’re such a strong and mighty woman for what you’ve endured and how you chose to live your life today. I also believe that as mothers, no one else on this Earth brought your two children into this world. Their “dad” is obviously just a DNA donor, so you did this on your own! You are ALWAYS a mother to your children, and even when our kids reject us, we still love them. Love can look different for each of us, I do know that much, but I just feel that you should celebrate yourself on their birthdays. YOU made those birthdays possible. It was your patience, your care of yourself and your body that made that happen. It really is like Erma Bombeck wrote: “…the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.” You did that Maree – twice.

      You are always the amazing mother that you always were to them. It’s their masive loss. And eventually, they will ALL realize it. Love to you!!

      • I meant to say that you should celebrate yourself on their birthdays, AND on Mother’s Day. That is your day, lady. Celebrate you! It’s not “Rotten Kids Day.” It’s a day set aside for all of us mighty moms who DON’T ruin our children’s immediate families, and are always there for our children, and put up with all their crap! LOL! You celebrate you, Maree. That’s YOUR day. xox! =)

        • Thank you for such a kind and supportive post KF_MM. I am going to take your advice and have 3 special days a year that nobody can take from me ever. I know the exact minute each of my children were born, one in the am and one in the pm. These 2 times have always been etched in my memory and will be only my special times but now more so. By the way, we can all say we were good parents but I truly was a good Mum and I was my kids only constant and I am so puzzled by my treatment but I let it go now. Thank you. xo

  • Just be busy, busy, busy. Over-schedule yourself on those days. My anniversary, and the day I asked for a divorce were just a few days apart. When they rolled around for the first time post-divorce this year-I actually forgot. I didn’t realize until a few days later that I hadn’t even noticed. It was because the children were starting school, and I was starting a new job that week. I had NO time to think about it. It made me feel REALLY GOOD to know I hadn’t spent that time reflecting and being depressed, because I do enough of that already. I think the years to come will be easier now. Good luck! You will get through it.

  • I wait up EVERY MORNING thanking God for pulling me from the cesspool of a turd relationship of which I was so buried in it I thought smelling and swimming in turds was the norm.

    That being said, I will celebrate the day of fresh air, birds singing, flowers blooming, sun shining anniversary of truth.

    • CalamityJane–you are my hero! It does boggle the mind how we reasonable, intelligent people can accept bullsh*t as the new normal in our marriages. But deep down, we must have known the cheater’s abusive behavior was not normal, as we do manage to pull ourselves out and shower-off at a certain point.

      Enjoy that sunshine & fresh air!

  • When mid October rolls around which more or less was my D-Day, I do give a passing thought to what happened, but what I think about more is the fact that, even though it’s been hard, even though I’m not out of the woods yet, I vowed to never attempt suicide again for as long as I live. As morbid as this may sound to people who haven’t been there, it is one of the few ways I can see very clearly, that I’ve changed. I’m a new and stronger person. I remind myself of that and that I can do anything.

    So my advice to Gwen, like others here today, is to put a twist on it and soon enough that date will have an altogether different meaning.

    Love all you chumps.

    xox

  • This year on what would have been our actual wedding anniversary I completely forgot about it until about a week later. I looked at the calendar and went ‘wow…I didn’t even notice….I must be a whole lot better.’

    D day on the other hand is a holiday so that’s a little harder to ignore. XH had lied to me and told me that he was going in to work that day because it would be quiet as no one would be there but him and he could get a lot done. Chumpy me completely believed him. What he was really going to do was head off to Ed’s Bed’s to screw his Skank Woman but I caught him red handed through some stupid missteps of his. At this point he probably wanted me to catch him because dontcha know that would be a lot easier on him than having to TELL me. C-O-W-A-R-D.

    • Yes, Syringa, he is a true coward. Honesty evades them.

      I forgot our anniversary this year (and I was still married to the jerk at the time). Telling, isn’t it?

      • I forgot our anniversary this year too (would have been the 32nd I think?) but I distinctly remember the day of what would have been our 30th. I was in Corfu at a beautiful luxury resort with a very dear male friend. We watched the sun set while we swam in the sea and then sipped cocktails till the early hours. I could never have shared moments like that with the Ex.

    • Yup cowards. That pretty much defines all cheaters doesn’t it? My ex cheater told me “he didn’t try to hide the affair from me” and his head it was a justification of sorts that he wasn’t lying. (Don’t you just love the way they twist stuff in their heads?!)

      When I told him that of course he didn’t hide the affair from me because he was too much of a coward to tell me himself that certainly got his panties in a twist. Cheaters are all the same.

      • Cheatersucks – that is THE truth. My asshole was no dummy. He kept everything so well concealed – not an internet trace – nothing. But, he started slipping up on purpose. He’s spending the weekend in Savannah (across the country) in a Motel 6 – paid for by his company? I mean – that was pretty obvious. It hurts to know they wanted us to find out with being so obvious – and therefore, OUR reason for kicking them out. Which I did immediately when I saw the room he was really staying in. Savannah – our perfect vacation spot of all time- tho never stayed in a hotel that fancy. Asshole.

  • Dear Gwen,

    I want to do something mighty to celebrate my freedom too. Unfortunately, my celebrations are mixed with waves of unexpected grief. Is there some kind of celebration that does not include vulnerability/risk?

    Like maybe it would be nice to hike a tall mountain or phone chat with a lonely stranger…

    Last Christmas, I was very poor… but this woman I worked with was worse off. She was working hard, physical labor at minimum wage and supporting her step-daughter and grandson alone. She was 59 years old. Her name was Mary and her car had a flat tire. Mary asked me to take her to the store to “buy some nourishment” for her skinny grandson. (He was 5 years old). I did. She wanted some Cream of Wheat and some spinach. When she saw the price of these items, she just went and bought a half gallon of milk.

    Later, I thought I would surprise her with the spinach and cream of wheat.

    Gosh it was such a small thing! I wish I had the strength to change her tire too.

    Somehow, surprising Mary gave me a Merry Christmas. Did I mention that she cannot read? I used to try to help her with our training at work and she would sound out the letters like a child.

    Love filled some of my own loneliness/self-absorption at a difficult time for me. I want to celebrate like that again…

    xoxo

    • Gwen:)
      We heal by giving back to the less fortunate. I always feel better serving and it teaches my kids to give back too.
      Not like their Dad or his family. They are so self absorbed!!

  • Divorce 1: My lawyer (who has quite the sense of humor) ensured my decree date would be April Fools’ Day. He was (and is) made of pure awesome.

    Divorce 2: 2ndX wanted to “keep me as a secondary spouse” and still go ahead and celebrate what would have been our 12th wedding anniversary as if the new schmoopie had never existed (never you mind that they’d gotten hitched three weeks before what would have been that 12th anniversary date). Despite my declining such an unparalleled offer, 2ndX was not about to take no for an answer. So I fled to the safety of my brother’s house in another time zone and stayed there for 6 weeks, ensuring there could be *absolutely* no contact whatsoever. That did the trick and there was no future talk of going for “lucky 13”.

    In order to cleanse completely, I performed a ritual years ago where I burnt all the artifacts of all my previous relationships in the firebowl on my back patio. It got rid of a lot of the stale, dead chi. Now enough time has passed that I barely note the former anniversaries/d-days as they occur. May the meh continue.

  • Do you know what’s the most enlightening about Chump Lady. Reading positive posts about forgetting past dates’ significance and the perseverance of some chumps to build an authentic life (like Yoma…awe inspiring she is; deepest sympathy for her loss)
    Eventually that feeling that you actually lost something goes away.I still mourn the loss of my marriage but that marriage never truly existed. The sadness and anger are slowly dissipating.
    Here’s to Tuesday next!!!!!

  • It’s T -5 days until my DDay anniversary (that would be Christmas Eve). Yesterday was another milestone as he closed on his new house. What a difference a year makes.

    My two DDs and I will be celebrating the holidays somewhere else. I’ve got lots if fun stuff planned in order to make new traditions and to distract myself. I pray I’ll be able to keep it together. I’ve been having a lot of weepy days lately, thinking about all that was going on building up to DDay last year, trying to not obsess about how and where STBX and his whore will be celebrating and wondering if he thinks about how he has marred Christmas for me.

  • I’ve been using Dday in reference to discovery day, not divorce, so I hope my entries haven’t been too confusing. Anyway… The day before New Year’s Eve we took a beautiful family photo. We’re a large family so it was difficult to get my older children together and color coordinated…. Dday was sometime Mid-January. You know, I don’t remember the exact day, and that hasn’t been a trigger for me. However, I found a hotel receipt, and asked about it. Turns out he was in a hotel with his massage parlor whore the same day we took family photos. Now when I look at the photo I see the tortured look on his face… in the midst of his beautiful family (and they really are a loving and caring bunch) he was mentally absent… obsessed with getting to his whore. What a sad life. I still can’t wrap my head around it.

    As for divorce, I plan on going out with the girls to “celebrate,” I don’t know how I’ll feel at the time, but I don’t plan on celebrating or remembering any dates from this point forward. I was a train wreck for a year after Dday, and I don’t plan on ever feeling like that again. I’ve been working hard on myself for the past year: developing an attitude of gratitude; trusting God will guide me, and figuring out who I really am without him.

    Gwen, my advice is to do something that will empower and strengthen your spirit. Maybe a retreat of some sort, or a special vacation where you’ll be absorbed in new experiences.

  • July 29, 2013 was a D-Day that was a huge shock to me. My whole world was shattered. As I got closer to the one year mark, I kept saying I was going to have a big party to celebrate my entry back into the real world free of spackle and denial and the cruel and depraved deception he had been practicing on me for years. When the actual anniversary of DDay arrived, I was surprised that it really felt like every other day just before and after it. I do not intend to celebrate it. Today, on the other hand, is the day my lawyer is supposed to put the demand letter in the mail that will respond to his ludicrous demand for me to pay him 90% of the value of the house he paid less than 10% for. It feels like a much more powerful day to me.

  • I can’t remember the exact date of Dday. I do remember the thought coming into my head that STBX’s behavior was off, and that OW was a bit too much in pursuit. I asked him if she had feelings for him, since she seemed to pursue him. He said no. Okay. Somehow in this exchange, he put his phone down and walked away. Usually the screen would lock, but not this time. I could see his texts to her, and what I saw showed me that he was having an affair!

    My world collapsed, but I kept my head and went to google “my husband is having an affair.” I found two site: Chump Lady and Truth about Deception. Both counseled lining ducks up, so that is what I’ve done.

    I’m looking forward to the divorce being finalized in early 2015–a Happy New Year present to me. 🙂

    At any rate, I don’t think I can commemorate Dday because I don’t remember the date. Anyway, I think I’d rather commemorate the beginning of the new year.

  • Wow, thank you all so very much!

    wow33 and Lilly-I too have found myself over the past year being much more concerned with ‘giving back’ to my community, with being more generous with my time, my money, my resources. For me, after having a front seat to such depravity, it feels especially meaningful to try to combat the narcissism of ex and OW with a more selfless attitude. There are bigger and more pressing problems in the world to solve, eh?

    I’ll be teaching on Feb.6 this year, so maybe I will bring a special treat to class for my students or take a good friend out to dinner or make paella and invite some friends over for dinner…….or, perhaps, as has been mentioned above I really will be so busy I won’t even notice the “assiversary” until it has passed!

    Thank you chump nation for giving me the courage to move forward! : )

  • I also know my D-day. It is a marker of when I completely lost my appetite (lost 30 pounds, weighted close to 100, a size zero was too big), lost the ability to sleep and found myself with post traumatic stress. Since then, I felt relief, great rage, hope, obsession about how to get justice. I am now trying to focus on healing each day.

    Why are dates so important? Because when life was a lie, my brain holds onto anything that I can attest to as having happened. Not just D-day, but throughout the damn relationship and marriage. For example, when I had great dissonance at a birthday party I threw for stbx where the OW was invited, those moments of: “I am here but I am not being seen. I have no clue why I feel such dread. I am here but something terrible is going on and I have no evidence of what that is. I must be nuts.” For me, my mind is trying to understand the twilight zone that was my life. Why did that person tell me when she did? Because it would place her in a powerful standing with the suckfest OW? STBX had a strange expression on his face when he watched me go into the car with the woman who would tell me about the affair. Did he know what would happen? It was like a scene from The Godfather. “Oh yes, D, your are going to the beach, Goodbye (look of evil intent like it would be my last ride). He seemed somewhat prepared, but began to mirror my trauma when he realized that actually, no, I did not die. What he did was corrupt and, yes, I was talking and talking and talking. No more control of the narrative has he. Shocker for him that will play out in his life as a slow poison that coats all future relationships.

    I am beginning to realize that people who are honest, whose lives matter, who think about their actions and reflect become obsessed with details to try to get a handle on what the fuck was going on. How sick was this shit?

    The truth is my life was a chaotic dialogue with a psychopath and his psychopathic “friends.” D-day revealed what I had been feeling all along. Chump lady and all of you have given me a framework to more forward and speak. Now, it is my job to reclaim my sense of self. I ignored my dissonant feelings. I cannot go back in time and say things I was thinking or feeling. I cannot throw him out sooner. I cannot make anyone who does not give a rats ass, care about my experiences. Care about the damage they have done.

    But I have my experiences and can bridge the story of who I was then to who I am now.

    May 24th 2013 in a car with my child in the backseat, I wad “told” in a strangely offhanded manner. I thought I was going to have a stroke. Now I sit as a witness to my experience, wiser, saner, real badass, giving a lot of weight to how I feel. D-day is just a date from which to speak of my truth.

    • Goodmazel,

      I will hang onto these wise words you’ve written: “I have my experiences and can bridge the story of who I was then to who I am now”

      As an oral historian of sorts, I think one of the greatest gifts of healing to ourselves is to re-claim our personal narratives, to combat the “re-writing” of our stories.

      Thank you!

    • “Shocker for him that will play out in his life as a slow poison that coats all future relationships.”

      Is it wrong that I hope this for my STBX?

      • It’s no more wrong than me having revenge fantasies of chopping my ex’s head off with a rusty, dull axe (without a bag over his head because that would be a waste of a bag). As long as you don’t act on something, it’s OK in my books.

    • Goodmazel, I’ve been following your story since I found CL. And I want to tell you how powerful your post is. Every single awesome and self-reflexive word. Thank you for this.

    • Wow Goodmazel, I feel like you and I have somehow been through such similar experiences. I too felt like my life with ex left me in a permanent state of bewilderment as I tried to understand why I was so unhappy. The feeling of dread, of sorrow, and feeling something is off…of asking “what is wrong with this picture” and never being able to grasp the answer. Having my ex introduce his similarly psychopathic “friends” to me and even our children before D-Day, and not understanding or being able to listen to my intuition. Unable to imagine the unimaginable.

      And then on D-Day, the horror yet relief– the picture came into focus, I understood, I saw the lies for what they were. But I am left with the feeling that the story of my life is broken, disjointed, false. What was real? How do I bear such injustice? Probably the most difficult part is that they simply do not care.

      But as my sister said on the day my divorce came through: “Now you are free of the lies.”

    • Good Mazel,
      I recognize myself in those words… And thank you for your ability to tranfer it into words for me… I lack the poetic flair.
      Now I sometimes retreat back into the fog of his reality of me… I allowed him to suck out whatever joy I had in my life and bent to mold into his life. And as i find my way back to myself i realize that I am enough. I remind myself everyday’ you are enough’ i dont need his permission nor endorsement for happiness or joy. I am enough. And no one will ever rob me of that again.

  • My 20th wedding anniversary would have been last May. I worked; hey I needed the money! I just happened to look down at a date I wrote and thought, “Oh, today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary.” I had forgot. A HUGE step toward Meh.

    I would have to look back on my divorce papers for my D day date, I know it is late November. The “new old lady” (she is 14 years older than me!) can have him.

    However I had the greatest 40th birthday! I spent my 40th birthday drinking beer at Wrigley Field with my mom and sister. And the Cubbies won! I would not have been able to experience this if I was still married.

  • The first anniversary of when I found out my now EX had been cheating I took the day off work and spent the entire day with a man I had met a few months before. We went to the zoo, had lunch, had dinner, all day. I wanted that day to be about something different. New memories. I had a blast. The 2nd anniversary of when I found out was just this past October and I noted it in my head but I did nothing. It was just another day. I’m still with that man btw. 🙂

  • 11-year chump here. I had so many D-days that if I had cared to mark them all down, my calendar would be covered in red pen and I’d never stop “celebrating” them. CL is right (as usual)…move along. There’s nothing to see on such an anniversary, and remembering it just gives the cheater power he doesn’t deserve.

  • My D-day was 12/26/09 while we were straightening up the house for holiday guests. Christmas hasn’t & won’t be nice for some time. But 10 months later my dearest friend sent me tickets to visit her overseas. Whether it was the time change or the vodka, it was days later when I remembered that what would have been my 25th anniversary had already passed. She will always be my hero.

  • The judge signed my divorce decree today… I want to post Juneteenth on my facebook page… but why poke a hornet’s nest. So just know… December 19th is my Juneteenth.

    • I assume when you refer to Juneteenth that you’re from Texas? If so, then Juneteenth is about right. Because a divorce decree and a kind of Emancipation Proclamation.

      • Yup, that is it exactly… and I am not from Texas… That fucking ass hole disordered half human that I used to be married to is history… oh btw, he wants to show up for the big family Xmas. Lots of food, laughter, prezzies and be his usual hanger on-erer self. He can take his science medal and jam it up the OW you know where. Feeling just a little cranky today… merrily yours

  • On my second D-Day, I discovered that my husband had lied and cheated on me from Day 1, the day we met, for a decade. This fact made every day for the whole decade seem tainted. I now think of the last decade as a ‘lost’ decade in my romantic life. Thus, I don’t think that the dates of my D-Days will trigger me. Now that I’m the midst of the divorce process, that my husband initiated, about all I have time for is planning for today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. I think of my D-Days and the day I was served divorced summons in what I felt was a public, humiliating and horrifying way as days in which I was validated. I finally knew that what I had suspected about him was true–I wasn’t crazy for suspecting these things. Now I look back on the day I received my summons, three months ago, as the day I was liberated–and I smile. Life with a chronic cheater really sucks. Now I have a chance to live a life that doesn’t.

  • My final D Day was Christmas Day and I actually like that it’s Christmas because it falls on a day of rejoicing. And that’s exactly what it was.

  • I attended the wedding of two amazing people on the 1st anniversary of d’day.
    It was out of town so I booked accommodation, bought a gorgeous dress, and danced my ass off enjoying myself.
    The up side I spent time with a group of guys who treated me like a sister and gave me insight on how a woman should be treated. It was a great weekend and brought a sence healing to a greatly damaged part of my life.

    Do what makes you feel good, but as CL said not just that day but every day.

  • Huh, it seems I am in the minority with this one. I theoretically get the “it’s just a day like any other” viewpoint and find it quite logical, but my personality type puts a lot of meaning on dates and rituals, etc. I always have. So dday is engraved in my mind and in the weeks before the one-year mark of dday, I intentionally planned what I would do. I ultimately decided to burn sage throughout my home and to mark the date as a welcoming of what was next. It was a great thing for me. I also have made sure to have plans on both ex-anniversaries since dday, since I know that I could have a harder day that day. I am not sure I will need that next year, but if I feel I do, I will make plans to make sure I am with a friend.

    But I know I am just like this about dates, so I make sure I take care of myself those days and try to reframe them in a positive way as best I can. If I tried to not mark it, it would just be super present in my mind anyways. And if I didn’t have something positive planned to look forward to or to re-focus myself I think it would have been much harder for me. When I thought of the approaching 1 year day of dday, I thought “I am going to burn sage and have a meaningful experience to embrace the new year,” and it helped. I know my heart/brain attaches significance to certain dates, so I try to accept whatever emotions I am feeling, and then work hard to reframe those dates and memories with something positive and forward-looking, and to make new positive memories at the same time.

    • Not always a bad thing to have it in your mind – just so long as its a positive experience to better your life and help you – rather than wallowing in self pity or attributing negative emotions to it. Think of it as the ‘gaining a life’ part of the mantra. 🙂
      If its what works for you, then thats awesome.

  • Ironically this question is posted on my one year anniversary. December 19, 2013 my husband called me at work an informed me that he wasn’t coming home. What a coward! Then to learn the following weekend that he was having an affair and obviously they were plotting their life together. I did treat December 19, 2014 as a typical day. But this year, I knew that I would get a peaceful night sleep and I would be able to wake up and function the next day. 1000% better than the year before. They both suck for their selfishness and they will have to pay the consequences. I am moving forward with integrity, self respect, and dignity. They will NEVER be able to claim those characteristics.

    • Dear Faithful, I think it’s awesome you’re moving forward with integrity, self-respect, and dignity. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. But I’m only 5 months into the recovery process of my first DDay. My DDay was July 12th, 2014, and I officially broke up with my ex, three days later, on July 15th. And a month later, August 17th, I found out from my ex, she and her new partner were official as of August 15th ( exactly a month since I broke up with her). I always found that ironic, but it also proved that she didn’t give a rat ass about me, because if she did, she would have remembered that the 15th was a day of grief for me. But anyhow, I just realized that is not the DDay ( July 12th), that I keep track of, but the 15th, because that’s their (ex and affair partner’s) freaking anniversary. I soo wish the day will come when I don’t have have to keep track of their anniversary day anymore. I went no contact with my ex a month following DDay, and I plan for it to be indefinite. I was with her for 4 years and she waited for me to go on a family vacation for the 4th of July to betray me. As soon as I came back on the 12th, she dropped the bomb. I did some pick me dances ( cheesy letters, set a date with ugly face ( affair partner), offered to cook, witness her coming home past midnight from ugly face’s place, offered to share her with him ( guess what she said? She said : “really? Let me ask him, but I dont think he would say yes because he is not the type to share.” Oh really? I wonder what they called the betrayal, I was the one sharing since she met me first. Anyhow, these hypocrites have ways to justify their disgusting behaviors. I don’t think they think their is anything wrong with them. So in their f*** up mind, they do pocess these qualities ( integrity, self-respect and dignity). F*** them, I’m freaking too awesome for that shit, so that’s why I kicked her sorry ass a month after finding out. Luckily we weren’t married, just living together for 4 yeas ( I used to call that a ” committed relationship”, but apparantly it was just me the committed.)

      • I lived with my ex for 5 years and we weren’t married only because of the financial aid she got for school as a single mother. After she left, several people, including my best friend, my psychiatrist, and a few others said, “well, there really wasn’t a commitment there…”

        What? After 5 years? After I supported her quitting work to be a part-time student? After I treated her son as if he were my own? I guess I don’t know what commitment looks like!

        • Dear WhichWayDidSheGo,

          They said what???? Well, let me tell you, you dont need a piece of paper to show you’re committed!!!! There is millions reasons people don’t get married ( finances being one of them). I a full time grad student so marrying was out of the question. And to be frankly honest, after readying about ALL the headache that divorcing F***tards can be, I’m GLAD I never married my ex. She didn’t deserve me putting a ring on her finger. Ironically, when I met her affair partner and I asked what his intentions were, he said, “my intentions are clear, she is the love of my life (after only 2 weeks of meeting her), I will propose within the first year and marry her right away.” So since half year has passed, if his words were true, there should be a ring on my ex’s finger. Thats good, they deserve each other. im glad I didn’t spend a penny on engagement rings, because I was planning to propose this year, despite my student debt. Hey, you and I are lucky, we just got to walk away ( no kids, no marriage, at least for me). I get to say, some chumps here got it worse.
          Now, all is left to do is erase her from my heart and memory so she can’t never touch my priceless heart again!!! 🙂

        • So sorry people were so insensitive as to make that remark to you. What they mean is that there was no marriage, which we here all know too well does not guarantee a commitment when the partner is a cheaterpants.

  • Dday was sometime in March of 2010, date of STD infection was June 4, the last time I believed he quit her and discovered it was yet another lie was July 4th, same year. The day I told him we were divorcing and he set me up for a DV charge was July 11, 2010. The day I heard the 911 tape after he got on the phone was October 2010, this is when I realized he set me up. The day he pulled a gun was March 23, 2011, one hour after he agreed to go to mediation. My ex wanted us to marry on my birthday because I am bad with dates, I insisted it be the day after instead, that’s a good thing because I do remember my own birthday, LOL. My divorce was finalized on the same day I was married, April 2. I don’t think of most of these dates on the day of, and given my very poor time sense it sucks that I remember them at all. The only dates I can’t forget is the day of the gun and that’s because I have to reapply to renew my protective order every two years. If not for that, I wouldn’t notice that day either. In fact, I have a calendar event to engage my attorney and file to renew the PO in March this coming year, just in case the time gets away from me.

    Beyond protecting myself from asshole ex and my anger at the STD, I don’t consider him any longer. I have always been time challenged, did that happen last year or 3 years ago? Hell, I can’t remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays (how many times have I absently worked a holiday? too many). I don’t see any reason to remember these dates at all. Unfortunately, a couple of them are burnt into my brain, I find myself anxious around certain times and when I realize why I am anxious, I am able to relax, it’s over. Except that pesky “permanent” protective order that isn’t actually permanent. I consider Dday a favor to me, I consider Protective Order day and Divorce day my passes to freedom from my ex. I need no celebration, living in peace every day is celebration enough. But then, I was never big on dates, my nick name as a child was “absent minded professor”, I highly recommend living and not marking the calendar. We are the sum of our experiences, it really doesn’t matter when they occur withing the time space continuum. Now, Beam ME UP SCOTTY!

    • Datdamwuf, where is the like bottom? I love your post. “We are the sums of our experiences, it really doesn’t matter when they occur within the time space continuum.” A big like to that. Amen!!! 🙂

  • Dat, Wow… just live and breath and keep that wretched creature far away from you. Perhaps he will fuck up even more and end up in jail, where such a subhuman ball of snot deseves to be. Hope you remember these holidays and they are filled with light and love.

  • I like collecting inspiring poems and I would like to share this one with you all.

    “People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value, the truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”- unknown

  • I needed to be elsewhere on the first anniversary of D-Day. It was better for my mental health. So the kids and I went to Great Wolf Lodge for 2 nights. It’s something that I never would have been able to do WITH him, so I celebrated by doing it without him. We had a fantastic time.

  • For some reason, while married, I remembered every little milestone and its dates and acknowledged them in a special way with my special man…
    The last several years of my marriage were so horrible with physical, mental and sexual abuse, rape and financial decimation, I can only say I know about when they happened.
    D-Day was the end of May 2012. At that time, I had a PIC line into my heart and was going to photo chemotherapy three times weekly and the visiting nurse came almost every day to check on me. X wasband could not let up on his demands for car repairs, home improvement projects, house cleaning, personal business projects. It was horrible and I wished to die, because I felt like I could not do anything correct. Not that I received any help or empathy, just constant tirades and lectures about how “I was in violation of our marital contract”.
    He had abandoned me to live his new life in the apartment attached to ours by the beginning of June. I could hear him having sex with new women on the other side of the wall, so I checked myself into the nut house which was when he began stealing things from our marital home that had meaning to me and were given to me by friends and relatives. I could not even get a restraining order.
    Such a nightmare. How I lived through the utter contempt and hateful acts is beyond me.
    I could possibly retrace my life from then and figure out when the actual D Day was with medical and financial records, but really who the fuck cares!
    My first anniversary passed May 2012 or so and I thought I would be alone slowly dying because of what had happened….
    Guess what, at that time I know I was prepping or had just begun doing farmers markets with my beaded jewelery. The time passed and I did not have time to stop and feel bad.
    I must say that was the biggest relief, as I had always been so big on commemorating anniversaries.
    Fuck him!
    I was doing the best I could with what I had (just as I had done for him our entire marriage)..
    By no stretch am I HAPPY, I have no home of my own and live in a less than ideal situation on my mother’s couch, BUT I am not abused to the extent that I was at the end of my marriage.
    I am grateful for every minute away from that sociopathic fucktard. My health issues are still overwhelming and prevent me from working a real job, but I am not being berated because of things beyond my control. I may not have many friends left, but the friends I have are REAL and supportive.
    For the second year, I hope to be a little further along in this overwhelming recovery. I do not plan to focus on him and how sad I am at the time, I plan to just do the best I can with what I have.
    Peace and Love to you all my Chumpy friends!

    • Echo! Dear Echo…..

      Your post really touched my heart. So glad you shared! You NEED the love & prayers of the ‘Nation’ right now.

      I dare say many of your health issues are due to the intense distress brought on you by that filthy piece of scum! What a total waste of oxygen.

      Now that you are away from the continuing trauma, you can heal / you will heal! Yes, it will take time, as the damage is extensive, but you are getting there.

      I understand the ‘not happy’. However, remember that you can still have inner joy and satisfaction from knowing you are an authentic & caring human. There is a major difference between ‘happy’ & inner joy. Joy can sustain use through all sorts of ‘stuff’, as all us chumps well know. Cultivate your joy!

      So glad to ‘know’ you…..
      Take care….Sending prayers up for you tonite….

      ForgeOn, EchoNoMorr….ForgeOn, all……….

      PS: Maybe Tracy will let you sell your jewelry in her Chump Store….

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