Don’t Let Them Steal Another Day

IMG_0421I don’t have any sassy snark for you guys today, sorry.

Last night I learned my dearest friend Yoma lost her husband, Warren yesterday. When I read the news, I burst into tears.

Of course, it’s a pretty ordinary event to be widowed at 78. What’s not ordinary is to be that age and have only been married for 2.5 years.

Yoma was once a chump. She was once married to a very successful academic who ran off with his office secretary back in the 1970s, leaving her with their two daughters. They packed the station wagon for him, as I recall the story. (The schmoopie lovefest resulted in a marriage that only lasted a year, before the OW left him.)

Yoma was my divorce warrior. She supported me like no other person could, because she’d lived it. She had a front row seat to my two divorces, sat with me in court through custody trials, poured that 3 a.m. bowl of raisin bran. She hated my cheating ex and saw through that creep when no one else did. And she single-handedly financed my liberation campaign to escape him.

I can’t tell you how much I love Yoma, and what a model of mightiness she’s been to me. The genesis of Chump Lady comes from her. I’ve witnessed her reinventing her life since 1992, when we first met as editors at CSIS in Washington, D.C. She’d been divorced for many years by that point, and her single life was one of adventure and cultural gluttony. (“Let’s get tickets to the Vermeer exhibit!” “I’m going to Sante Fe for the summer. You should come!” “Have you read this? You ought to.”)

Pretty soon I was joining in with her on those adventures. I’ve driven backwards on to ferry boats in Western Scotland with her, hiked up Acadia National Park, walked the beaches of Lake Huron, gotten up at ungodly hours so she could photograph things, carried her luggage, driven the car, and provisioned the woman with snacks and the proper tea. (She’s British and has firm opinions on tea.) You couldn’t ask for a better (if more exhausting) companion.

But not everyone could be Yoma’s companion. Lesser souls have tried. In the decades after her divorce, she dated some men. Some decent. Some losers. But she was content being Yoma. She loved her freedom, and had pretty jam-packed life.

So imagine my surprise when she moved to a retirement community a few years ago and told me she was hanging out with this widower Warren and it was “serious.”

Serious?! You’ve only been there two months!

“Well, yes, you can’t waste time at our age.”

They were married within the year.

Warren was quite the eligible bachelor, but he only had eyes for Yoma. When she moved in, he invited her to join the nature photography club, which apparently had exactly one member — Warren.

But they spoke each other’s love language — flower photography. One of Yoma’s many reinventions was to become a photographer, and a really fine one, with exhibitions and sales. She’d met her match with Warren, who probably had more gadgetry than she had. It was a bit of a competition.

I met Warren for the first time at their wedding, but I really got to know him later when we all went to Longwood Gardens together.

Yoma and I were strolling about doing our thing, Warren was dragging around tripods doing his thing. Then I remember sitting on a bench with Yoma, and Warren comes up excitedly and says “YOMA! The Siberian iris! THEY’RE BLOOMING! You MUST SEE THIS!”

So we get up, and turn a corner, and lo and behold, banks of glorious iris. Yoma is swooning. And Warren is swooning. And they’re talking complicated photography talk to one another and I thought: “Yeah, he’s the ONE.”

He is the perfect mate for her.

And he was — intelligent, kind, a birder, Quaker, geeky in the ways she was geeky. She wasted no time dragging him on adventures. (I warned him to pack snacks, and get the Right Sort of Tea.) The Pacific Northwest, Budapest, England, New York City.

And then this fall Warren got sick. And sicker. But I never thought it was so serious. If nothing else, Yoma has the strength of ten and would see him through.

But he passed away yesterday afternoon. And she told me: “I was so lucky to have that time with him.”

So that’s my message today here, folks. Don’t waste your time.

Cheaters rob us of so many things — our children, our wedding china, our retirement accounts. But the most precious thing they rob of us is time. Cake-eating comes at a terrible price. And frankly, so does the paralysis after losing a cheater. Good people exist. You might not partner up again until you’re in your 70s and that’s not a tragedy. Just don’t stay stuck. Get out there. LIVE.

OMG, the IRISES, they’re BLOOMING. Come SEE THIS!

RIP Warren.

yomawarren

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Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
9 years ago

This is inspirational. I needed to read something like this today. Very strong post.

Ro
Ro
9 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Ditto, Supreme Chump: Perfect words at the perfect time and we thank you. Also give BIG Hugs to your friend for not giving up and living life.

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago

Condolences to both you and Yoma, Tracy. Warren sounded like an inspirational person. An role model of how we can be. Thanks for this post.

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago
Reply to  Kraft

opps….”a role model”………

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
9 years ago

Not even 5:30 PST and I’m crying like a baby. Thanks for the lovely story. My thoughts are with you and Tom’s.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Crying like a baby too!! What a wonderful way to tell someone’s story. I’m sorry to all. RIP Warren.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
9 years ago

Darn auto correct!! Tom’s is what I meant.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
9 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

It fixity again! .yoma

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
9 years ago

What a beautiful entry. Thank you, Tracy.

Nain
Nain
9 years ago

Thank you Tracy. When I couldn’t make ends meet, to pay for my attorney and forensic accountant, I took a second job at Longwood. It is Disneyworld for plants if you will. What struck me most as I greated guests at one of the premier gardens on the planet was how eager the visitors were to relax and spend TIME enjoying every inch. I’ve never been so grateful for an opportunity to people watch and observe loving, caring, respectful relationships. Granted, the folks that come are generally well heeled and in public. However, the care and concern I saw among couples that were older, infirm, immobile, incontinent was a WONDER to behold. A blessing really.

Respect, admiration, love and friendship. Patience with their partner. And I knew at one of the ugliest times in my life – filled with lying, cheating, dishonesty and deceit that there was no more time for that crap.

So I too found someone who values what I value, likes some of what I like and is willing to learn along the way about a new stage of life in a way we didn’t expect but have come to enjoy. Together. Guess what we did last week? Strolled through Longwood Gardens. It’s beautiful.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

Agreed, CL. Time and life is too precious to waste. It’s stories like these that expose how shallow the cheater lifestyle is. I work in hospice; so, I get these reminders daily. The rich lives are the ones where one has truly invested in people….not used them like cheaters do.

nomar
nomar
9 years ago

Thank you for a sweet poem of a column today, Chump Lady. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Yoma and Warren and their loved ones, including you.

That’s the thing about love when it’s good, you know. There’s never enough. There is always room and desire for more. More time together, more touching and talking and travel. Just . . . more. And at the same time somehow, it’s always enough. Your cup is always, always overflowing.

There’s a great little eulogy about this mystery at the end of “The Fault in Stars,” a movie about two people who loved deeply if not long enough.

“Hello. My name is Hazel Grace Lancaster. And Augustus Waters was the star-crossed love of my life. Ours is an epic love story and I probably won’t be able to get more than a sentence out without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Like all real love stories, ours will die with us, as it should. You know, I’d kind of hoped that he’d be the one eulogizing me, because there is really no one else… Yeah, no, um… I’m not gonna talk about our love story, ’cause I can’t. So instead I’m gonna talk about math. I’m not a mathematician, but I do know this: There are infinite numbers between zero and one. There’s point one, point one-two, point one-one-two, and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger set of infinite numbers between zero and two or between zero and a million. Some infinities are simply bigger than other infinities. A writer that we used to like taught us that. You know, I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, do I want more days for Augustus Waters than what he got. But Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. You gave me a forever within the numbered days. And for that I am… I am eternally grateful. I love you so much.”

Whenever I see this movie, I will think of Yoma and Warren and their “little infinity.”

paula
paula
9 years ago

Tracy – holding you and your cherished Yoma in my heart.

Would we all be so fortunate to have a Yoma in our lives. Perhaps, we can live authentically and fearlessly and be the Yoma for others.

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
9 years ago

Amazing story CL. Really nice to hear that even after everything she had been through, she shined, and did eventually have someone. But she was fine just being her too. Very inspirational. RIP Warren.

thensome
thensome
9 years ago

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. He sounds like a lovely man and your friend Yoma is an inspiration.

What a beautiful way to remember him.

tflan386
tflan386
9 years ago

A heartwarming story of love – a perfect lift on a cold, overcast, gray day in Canada!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago

Love this story Tracy – thank you for sharing it. My heart goes out to Yoma and I’m glad she and Warren found each other. I wish I had a Yoma in my life and I hope someday to find a Warren.

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

You and your dear friend are in my thoughts. Oddly enough, I was speaking with my mom this morning about this very thing. Good friends of my parents’ are going thru a similar situation. My father was just visiting with his sick friend who may not make it past a few more months and they were both crying about the sudden change in his life. He is realizing that this Christmas will likely be his last. Life can change in an instant. We really need to live a full joyful life while we have it.

I remember telling my exhusband many times, that I needed to have JOY in my life again. I warned him that I would find it even if that meant that I had to leave him behind. I am finally finding it!!!!!! It’s not always easy and I still have some bad days but those days are far less now that I have moved on!!!!!!

Peace to us all! Smell those roses!!

Chumpita
Chumpita
9 years ago

I am so sorry for Yoma not to have had more time with Warren, but I am sure that in the next life they will be together earlier. Oddly, I am crying as if I had known them, your words are so touching. But I also think I am crying of happiness because you gave us hope again and a confirmation that life becomes so rich and full without the cheater, even if we don´t find another partner ever or for a long time. I have noticed that I used to firmly know that I have good luck and great things would always happen to me. They still did, even with my cheater, but he hated my counting on my good luck rather than meticulously planning everything to the last detail. But now that he is gone, it is as if the response to my desires are limitless. Solutions to my problems have come gradually, and good people, work opportunities, money are all beginning to flow again. So your post today is also a reminder that my Warren will come too, sooner or later. Thank you CL. Thank you Yoma.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago

That is so sweet Tracy. Hugs to Yoma. 🙁

ANC
ANC
9 years ago

Thank you. Sorry for your and Yoma’s loss.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Thanks for this today, CL and very sorry for your loss. I hope Yoma knows that her incredible support of you has spawned this place of compassion for which we are all grateful.

young
young
9 years ago

What a wonderful and inspiring story. Tears came to my eyes when I saw the picture at the bottom. Yoma was glowing. CL, you are truly fortunate to have a friend like her.

TaraBelle
TaraBelle
9 years ago

Huge hugs to you and Yoma! Needed to read this today. Thank you. xoxoxox

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago

Holding you all in the Light.

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago

CL, you made me cry. Such a sweet, inspirational story.
My latest anthem is the song “I believe ” by OneRepublic. It is about living life to its fullest. One of my favorite lines is about falling in love, and having it hurt so bad because that’s how you know you gave it your all.

I am glad Yoma found Warren; I hope I find my own Warren one day. Preferably before 78, but until then, I love my kids, and I love my life.

Jedi hugs to all.

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago

Sorry for your loss, and thank you for this post and for my mission statement: “her single life was one of adventure and cultural gluttony”.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago

My love and thoughts are with Yoma today and also with you Tracy. I do remember you mentioning Yoma to me on one of my posts a long time ago. It gave me hope then and today’s post has also given me hope. Oh how I wish that I had, had a Yoma in my life. How fortunate I would have been to have known a person like her.

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

We do. It’s Tracy.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago

My love and compassion go out to you and Yoma. I am so sorry and so amazed at her journey. The judge makes my divorce final tomorrow… I needed this. I needed to remember that I barely lived in the those 30+years, that my kids don’t really know who their mother is, the joyful, adventurous, artistic, crafty (in a nice way) girl that I was. This gives me so much hope, so much hope. Now on to be mighty and let my walls ring… Thank you!

Irish
Irish
9 years ago

Ringinmyownbell, me too ! My kids have said to me that they didn’t know that I was so funny. I lost me the day I married MFPOS. It’s wonderful to have myself back. A wounded self, but me all the same.

Tracy, how wonderful to have Yoma. She sounds so inspirational. Having a someone like that in your life is priceless. Offer my condolences to Yoma, may Warren rest in peace. What an inspirational post. Thank you so much Tracy. In a way, YOU are our Yoma. You have created a place where many “Yoma’s” live. Thank you for all you do, I know I would not be in the same place without Chump Nation.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago

Beautiful love story. I love it that Yoma was just being her wonderful self and someone saw her and thought, “I MUST have her” just because. Warren saw a spark in her. She didn’t have to jump through hoops or do anything magical. She didn’t have to earn it. He saw her worth.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  conniered

Yes, conniered, this! “He saw her worth.”

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago

Beautiful love story, CL. My condolences to Yoma for the loss of her husband and the sadness you are feeling today.

Yoma sounds like a woman who grabs life by the horns and Warren saw that in her and embraced it. What a man.

Chumpette
Chumpette
9 years ago

Another love-hope story in late life to add…

Set up: When my XH was in “his Fog” pre DDay for me but into his 3rd affair year with OW, and as he was cunningly reissuing my laundry list of flaws ( i now know as blameshifting) about why he was unhappy in the marriage….i was getting very weary from (unknowingly) doing a pick me dance.

Story: During that time, I went to a professional conference and had lunch with a “Yoma”. She did not know my story but was bubbling over with hers that day. Her first marriage was to an alcoholic violent cheating man. She stayed as long as she could for the kids. Left him. Was single for 15 years. On her 65th birthday the week before, she got Medicare, a hearing aid, and engaged. She said Yes to the fella who had been pining for her for years…and was glowing as she told her story.

Her words were hope. I did not know a bomb would soon explode and nearly destroy me. But i witnessed first hand that True Love could come again…even after All my hair turned gray. I thought about this chance encounter many times before and after the divorce.

Sending (((hugs))) of Hope – for whatever you want and need – to fellow chumps during the holidays.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

Chumpette, I think those kinds of experiences happen just when we need them. Those people are angels in disguise.

Chumpette
Chumpette
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Agreed 🙂

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago

Oh Tracy. What a beautiful way to honor your friend and her love. Thank you for sharing their story with us and for your message. It hit me like a brick between the eyes and that’s a good thing. Hugs to you and Yoma.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago

Thanks for this inspiring story, CL.

I’m inspired to have affirmation that it is wonderful to find joy in what I am and what I do, from which more joy will spring.

Big hugs–you found a real treasure in Yoma, and she in you, and also in Warren. He lives in her heart and spirit.

Scott
Scott
9 years ago

What a fantastic and touching column. Thank you! It is my hope and prayer that for every moment of torment and agony the chumpiverse has experienced, a hundred days of joy and tranquility follows. Yoma certainly exemplifies that it can and will happen for us all.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago

This is the most beautiful and resonant CL post I’ve ever read. Thank you for the inspiration, and keeping Yoma and Warren in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs headed your way.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago

What a couple! And what a loss. Very special people who were blessed to have found each other. My wise beyond his years son said, when he and his long time girlfriend (totally mutually) broke up, “Let’s not cry over what we lost, let’s be happy for what we had and shared.” I know he didn’t come up with this himself, but it hit me as worth remembering.

And what a nice eulogy, Tracey. Loved the pictures, too.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

Whooops, sorry! TRACY, not Tracey.

syringa
syringa
9 years ago

Tracy…thanks for sharing this beautiful love story. What an inspiration Yoma is to all of us chumps.

Champ, Not Chump
Champ, Not Chump
9 years ago

Almost 20 years ago, I lost a good one. The kind you miss with every cell in your body, find yourself missing and crying for many years later. It was after his goodness that I discovered the disordered world of cheaters through hard, personal experience. Thankfully, that good man loved me enough that I knew I was worth honesty and fidelity, and I didn’t waste time on excuses, pick-me dances or looking back.

The big thing that cheating took from me was the faith that there could ever be another good man who could love me the way I need (and deserve) to be loved. And then a ray of sunshine showed up one day, with a big smile and a wonderful laugh. A good one.

I’m working (from home), and sitting across from him; he’s my husband now. Sometimes I look up and catch him smiling at me. He’s in love. So am I. We’re not spring chickens, so who knows how long we have, but we are going to love hard and enjoy every second for as long as we can.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago

Yay Champ, more hope on this gloomy, gloomy day… Thank you… maybe one day I will find a loving, regular man, who has the sense of adventure that I do… Much love to our mighty Chump Nation.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
9 years ago

Love this so, so much, Tracy, mourn hard for Yoma and Warren.

And Champ, not Chump, yep. My good one was also my cheater. I know, I know, no one gets that. He was AWESOME. WE were awesome. But he got sick, fucked it all up, and it changed everything. He regrets everything so very deeply and has done EVERYTHING to help me heal from his selfishness. I have searched and searched for my joy. I still search. I lived joyfully, with passion, taking, relishing, in every experience I could. And I know happiness is supposed to be a choice, and I choose it and choose it, daily. But somehow it’s like I am joy Teflon. My GOD it pisses me off. I sometimes wonder if I imagined my joyfulness, then my youngest told me the other day that she remembers how great I was, how much I laughed and had fun, just being a dick of a Mum, and how great WE were together. She understands what happened and why, and we talk about the path forward. But I know if she remembers it, and told me completely unprompted, that it WAS real, not something I imagined for more than twenty years. I thought I would find it again one day, but now I just want meh. That kind of joyfulness should be easy, but seems like a pipe dream. It isn’t anything to do with another person, I don’t want or need another relationship. I just want peace, then joy. So I keep forcing myself through these years of craptasticicity. I haven’t even found the “j” yet, let alone the “oy!” But keep moving or the crap sticks hard!

Champ, Not Chump
Champ, Not Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

Horsesrcumin, I may not have been clear, but my ‘good one’ was not a cheater. He really was a good one. After his death, tipping toes into the dating pool…that’s how I found the wonderful world of all things screwed up. Honestly, before I met my now-husband, I was pretty sure that there was no such thing as a normal, nice, single guy (by the time they hit my age group).

I pray you find your mojo again. You don’t have to stay stuck just because a selfish cheater apologizes. Whether you stayed because you think that an apology means you have to, or you are single again and having trouble finding your joy again, please know that the greatest joy you will ever know begins within your own heart and giving yourself permission to be happy.

Hugs.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
9 years ago

Hey champ. No I knew your good guy was not a cheater. Until mine lost his mind at the 21 year mark he was genuinely a truly great guy. But now he is a cheater. No way back. And no apologies nor living well change that. I honestly wish he’d died and I could mourn his death instead of co-parenting with someone who totally broke my heart. It is what it is. He did it and he can’t undo it. Sad though because we really were pretty damn awesome. I push on alone. Not sad I’m alone per se. I like me. Just sad he threw the wonderful away when emotionally unstable and that you can’t go back. Only forward 🙂

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago

I am so sorry for Yoma’s loss and yours Chump Lady. This was a beautiful story and one that made me cry a little too. I will be thinking of you and your friend a lot today.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

Yoma’s life is inspirational. If I could pick a way to live, it would be the same way she has. Traveling, exploring new interests, experiencing different types of relationships without fear…that’s the way to live. Thanks for this inspirational post today CL!

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago

Thank you for this, it’s very moving and meaningful!

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago

A wonderful story. She sounds like a great person.

This also gives a lot of hope that the prospect of a satisfying marriage for someone on “the other” side of 50 is not out the window.

Chuck
Chuck
9 years ago

A beautiful story and a reminder that staying stuck and living for the kids and work isn’t the required ending for all of us chumps. Thanks

betrayedfriend
betrayedfriend
9 years ago

Thank you for this CL!! Very moving, very inspiring. I want to be YOMA, when I grow up!

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
9 years ago

What a beautiful piece about these beautiful souls. Ever since I read your story back when I stumbled onto this site in mid-2013, I have made it a personal goal to be a Yoma for someone should the day come where they need one. I’m so very sorry for her loss.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

This was one of the ladies you told me about when I wrote you last year. I still re-read that letter on low days because not everyday is Tuesday, sometimes it is just a Monday. It was not just your whit and wisdom that spoke to me; their stories inspired me. https://www.chumplady.com/2013/11/dear-chump-lady-when-does-it-get-better/

You told me to “take the long view of life”. It reinforced my motto when my husband walked out, close to this time a few years ago: This is just something that happened. It did not happen to me. There are more years or not, but the larger scheme or plot is more magnificent than the mere chapters he ripped out.

I am sorry for Yoma’s loss. But I hope you perhaps will tell her there is a chump out there who is finishing her doctorate and when she needs an extra lift, she remembers her story.

Goodmazel
Goodmazel
9 years ago

Add me to the list of inspired chumps working on finishing doctorates in the midst of D-day-divorce from cheater. Thank you for sharing Yona’s inspiring story here and in your letter Dr. We are all in good company. You company gives me a sense of peace, although I would never want this for anyone and wish we met under different circumstances. So many good messages. I love seeing the long view of one’s life. Like humans in the scope of planet life, this cheater shit is a blip on the screen.

DefyingGravity
DefyingGravity
9 years ago

This is perfect for me today, thank you. My divorce will be final tomorrow. I’m thrilled, but feeling a little destabilized. This nightmare will be over tomorrow, as we don’t have kids and the settlement will be quickly finished. I won’t have to interact with or waste energy on him ever again. Part of me is feeling a little adrift, given that since D-day two years ago I’ve spent so much time, energy and emotion dealing with him and the shit he did to me. Now that opposition is being removed, and part of me is like; what do I do with myself now.

Well, your post answered it for me. Get busy living, and don’t waste another day. Forge about a day; don’t let him steal one more MINUTE from me with his toxic garbage. I’m so lucky to have so much to live for. Thanks for reminding me of that and redirecting me.

ExpatChump
ExpatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  DefyingGravity

I just read something about that today that you might find helpful: The Honeymoon Period After Divorce http://ow.ly/FTqSB
Congrats on the first day of the rest of your life.

Chumpette
Chumpette
9 years ago

Today’s post is meaningful on so many levels. A mighty ChumpNation thank you, Tracy and Yoma. With an equal measure of comfort..

Reading everyone’s posts between meetings today made me recall a favorite quote:
Life is ten thousand joys, ten thousand sorrows.
Rumi

somuchhurt
somuchhurt
9 years ago

What a beautiful story! I hope to be a Yoma for others one day! She sounds wonderful!

Margaret
Margaret
9 years ago

Condolences to you and your dear friend and her and Warren’s family. Thank you for sharing something so personal and inspirational. What a timely reminder of what is truly important!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago

Beautiful post. I will keep you all in my heart, and I am so sorry for your loss. Yoma and Warren’s story made me cry, and it gives me hope.

Fred
Fred
9 years ago

ChumpLady that was beautiful. I enjoyed reading it. I am deeply sorry for Yoma’s and your loss as I can tell you adored him as well.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Thank you for a beautiful and moving story. May Warren’s memory be a blessing. May Yoma be comforted with all who mourn.