My husband has just announced that he is a polyamorist. He is sleeping with at least two other woman at the moment and says that he will never be monogamous again!
He has asked me if I will be prepared to stay married and live as a family. (We have one 10 year old child).
So he wants to stay a family whilst he has this other life which has no rules or boundaries. He honestly thinks he is offering me a good option.
What do you think of that? Is this polyamory thing becoming more common? Or is it just friends with benefits?
Who cares what it is, how common it is, or what I think of it — what do YOU think of it? It’s your marriage and your husband just unilaterally changed the terms of it. Is that okay with you?
When you start directing your attention towards polyamory trends in West Yorkshire, you’ve given credence to his nonsense. You’re buying into some whacko cheater narrative that All The Cool Kids Are Doing It.
(Mom voice) Would you jump off the Empire State Building if your friends were doing it?
Just because your husband has a notion to swing, doesn’t mean you have to go along with it.
As I’ve written before, the offer of an open marriage after the discovery of an affair(s) is not sexual sophistication — it’s a threat. Give me cake or we’re finished.
On the one hand, you could argue that hey, at least his distaste for monogamy is stated honestly. He cannot live without cake — you at home, and some fuck buddies on the side. And you can have cake too! On the other hand, this isn’t what you signed up for. He was quite content to let you play by the monogamy set of rules while he was boffing two women. (Did he announce he wanted an open marriage and THEN find two women? Or were there two women when he made this announcement? I think it is the latter.)
So let’s say you go along with it. You’re going to be a polyamorist too. Well, you’re going to have to work out some guidelines with your husband. How do you manage the threat of STDs? Who is an acceptable partner? (Are co-workers out? Friends?) How much time are we devoting to extracurriculars? I mean, with both parents sourcing hook-up partners that could take away family time with the 10 year old. So how do we calendar this?
Geez. I’m taking all the sexy out of it, aren’t I? Rules? CALENDARS?
Polyamorists need trust too. Every “arrangement” has guidelines and boundaries. And your husband just demonstrated that he doesn’t abide by agreements. You had an agreement — monogamous marriage — and he changed the rules to suit himself. Who is to say he wouldn’t do the same with an open marriage?
Oh, but he’d be HAPPY then. This is a better arrangement, so of course, that will confer honesty upon him. Really? You want to trust your next Pap smear on that?
And what about your happiness? Is this really what you signed up for?
I think cheaters often wrap themselves up in a cloak of “polyamory” so you can’t call them out on their narcissism. They aren’t cheaters! They’re sexual sophisticates burdened by the oppressive hegemony of monogamy! It’s all monogamy’s fault!
Look Yvonne, some people aren’t that deep. They swap out partners the way other people swap out air filters. Your husband sounds like one of these people. Your values aren’t in alignment. You want to be intimate and exclusive with your husband, he wants no-strings-attached sex with strangers. You’re not a good fit.
Time to stand up for what you want and assert your values. Preferably in front of a judge. While you’re working out the custody and support details, let your husband explain how cool polyamory is to him.