In yesterday’s comments the subject of “judgement” came up and a chump asked if I would write a column on, you know, the phenomenon of calling people cheating fuckwits when they would prefer to be considered splendid.
God forbid you might be thought “judgmental.”
Now, it’s pretty easy to hate on judgmental people. I should know, I come from a family of them. My late grandmother could walk into a room and instantly tell you where your wallpaper seams weren’t aligned. And did you gain some weight? She liked your hair better short. She doesn’t know why you grew it out, it looks like a bush.
And my favorite utterance of this grandmother: “That maternity outfit is not very slimming.”
Oh Judgment! I’m not a thin pregnant person! My hair’s a mess! I wallpaper WRONG!
Sniffy, condescending, critical. No one likes these people. (My grandmother, while an impressive woman in many respects — beautiful, intelligent, wealthy — was not particularly liked. Feared? Respected? Dreaded? Yes. Warm fuzzies? No.)
Chumps, so eager to please, hate to be thought judgmental. Aren’t we the perpetual dispensers of kibbles? Don’t we do our darndest to love unconditionally? That’s why the accusation of judgement is such a potent manipulation — we want to be thought magnanimous. We want to be open-minded, sensitive, and understanding. Hell, chumps believe in shit like the affair fog, trickle truth, and unicorns. We’re invested in loving all the hurt away. So… judgmental?
I think “Don’t judge me” is cheater code for “Don’t get uppity and impose consequences on me!” Whether that is divorce, social shunning, or sidling away from them at cocktail parties. Do NOT hold them responsible for their actions!
Now let’s parse judgment. Judging people and situations is natural. We make judgments every day. Is that street safe to walk down? Should I invest my savings with that guy? Is my employee telling me the truth about why he didn’t turn in his progress reports?
We have to make judgements, otherwise we’d be a bunch of spineless ninnies and anyone could roll us for our lunch money.
So there is judgment and then there is prejudice. Prejudice is “I hate gay people” or “Women shouldn’t vote,” or “I don’t trust anyone with hair extensions.”
Prejudice is making your mind up about someone or something without critically examining the evidence. Are people with hair extensions intrinsically untrustworthy or are you just hating? Were you scared by a hair extension as a child? Did your parents or church teach you to despise people with hair extensions?
And then there is just verbal abuse. “Your trousers are ugly.” “You have less sense than God gave badgers.” “I hate your cooking.”
Verbal abuse is about power and control. It’s not judgement, it’s denigration designed to keep you off-balance and feeling small. How exactly are my trousers hurting you? Why do you feel the need to attack my trousers?
Chumps who judge cheaters have been actively harmed by cheaters. Of course we get to judge them! The same way we would judge an unsafe street, a dodgy investment, or a letter bomb that just blew up in our faces.
But cheaters like to claim victim status. It’s the classic “It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it.” Okay, I cheated on you, now you’re going to JUDGE me? How could you?! You’re going to TELL people?! I didn’t do anything wrong, (or anything you didn’t drive me to do), so why would you TELL? People might judge me and cease kibble production!
You should judge cheaters as a matter of self protection. You don’t have to be verbally abusive to cheaters to judge them. (i.e., You bilious whore! Don’t touch me!) You judge them by going no contact with them and refusing to hand over your 401Ks.
When cheater accuse you of being judgmental, IMO it’s just projection. You know who’s judgmental? Cheaters!
They created a thousand rationalizations of why they had to cheat on you. Each one weighing your faults and vulnerabilities and deciding that their sexual jollies trumped your well-being. Because you were a chump, and less deserving.
I find that incredibly judgmental.