Hey, it is the first back-at-work Monday in the New Year and I believe it’s time for another Mightiness Check here at Chump Lady. I’m still getting over gunky, infected lungs, so share some mightiness with me! (Or just oxygen…)
Every day we’re adding new chumps to the ranks, so astonish them with your strength. I know you guys are finalizing divorces, starting lawn mowers alone, tying ponytails, finishing masters degrees, and rewiring sockets. And I know some of you aren’t feeling particularly mighty, but I’m taking all submissions. Did you just suffer a D-Day and remember to shower? You’re IN. Every bit of mightiness no matter how big or small can inspire another chump struggling with the very same thing.
And if you’ve shared last year, hey, we NEVER get tired of mightiness here. Tell me how you’ve been kicking ass, and what the New Year has in store for you.
Leave a cheater — Gain a LIFE!
Picked up the guitar again in 2014, repaired and painted my dining room, cleaned out garage, Attic and basement from hoarder cheater crazy ex, yes it took me MONTHS. Goals for 2015, start reading regularly, exercise, focus on what i love the most, my kids and my new life.
Why do we chumps feel such shame when we have been betrayed so deeply?
Is it because we feel so frauded, dupped, or when we realize we have no control how these fuck tards treated something as simple as love and respect with such little care. It’s an insult to basic human kindness that mattered so much.
Divested and heart broken life of the unable to feel love.
I am the Biggest chump of all… story to follow when I get up the courage and get over the shame.
Willow, we all feel shame even though we weren’t the ones who broke our marriage vows. Tell your stories, we’ll listen and force you to move the shame to where it belongs–on f**ktard.
Welcome Willow, please share as soon as you feel ready. The great sanity saving thing about this site is that we all KNOW what being chumped feels like. We all have good days and awful days…some of us are newly chumped and some of us are veterans…many of us have had similar experiences. Yes, the very things you think nobody else would understand someone on here will have been through.
Owning our chumpiness is the first step to realising that we are not unique, our cheater is not a special case, we are not the exception that proves the rule…its really quite common.
Read our stories and tell us yours…this is where to come when its 3am and sleep wont come and you feel like hell…somebody in the world will be here for you…big hugs from England.
Yes Willow, you are among the chumpiest of chumps here. Share when you are ready.
Willow, I’m about 14 months since d-day and I can tell you that my shame hung on relentlessly. I’d beat myself up that I continued to feel shame about my husband’s cheating. I’m just writing a quick note to let you know that the shame does fade. It gets replaced with a lot of things including some righteous indignation. If you’re feeling like you’ll never get over the shame, please trust me, you will! Please feel free to share your story on CL. Do you visit the Forums? If not, please do.
xox
Willow, I wear the chump crown. 🙂 You can’t out chump me! Share when you feel up to it, you’re among chumps here.
CL–I’ll wrestle you for the chump crown……. I will finally get my story someday (it’s novel worthy) but geez, it’s soooo convoluted it seems impossible to be concise. The gigolo/fool formerly in my life (we were not married, thank God) did some things so devious, when I recite them to people, their mouth drops open and they ask “who can even think of that, much less does it??!!!??”
He’s made his bed of nails and it surely can’t be comfortable. His days of finding a woman to live off of are coming to their end. No woman will give his impossibly handsome and fit narcissistic 56 yr old ass a glance cos he has an interlocking device in his alcoholic mobile for the next two yrs for a DWI of BAC of over twice the legal limit….. Not to mention an easily researched lengthy arrest record on my county’s public record website. Add to that he’s been convicted of felony theft of funds–how’s he going to get a job where money is involved? He did some substitute teaching when he was with me–got fired because he made the teenage girls ‘uncomfortable’—no district will let him in.
The idiot NEVER sees the consequences of his actions. He was living in my 7 figure home, driving my luxury cars, ALL expenses paid by me yet he HAD to do his deceit because he COULD and he WANTED to–just as you say in one of your posts. I had to have him evicted because he refused to leave–he had no one willing to take him in or lend him a dime. All former friends and family shun him–he’s burned every bridge that he’s crossed in his lifetime. His 2 ex wives and grown children detest him.
To prevent women from getting in this lifetime predator’s trap, when I found his lie filled, self aggrandizing profile on dating sites (using pictures of my home, show horses and other property as being his), I contacted their customer care departments and informed them of his multi-tiered abusive ways–they immediately banned him (with no explanation to him) for life. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thank you, thank you for this forum–It’s made me stronger in the fastest amount of time–I was stuck but am feeling better every day since I found it just last week.
Discomfort and darkness to all fucktards out there! Peace and light to all fellow chumps!
Hesatthecurb–your story sounds like a made-for-TV movie. Thanks for the trailer–we’ll look forward to the script for Lifetime!
I had one of those gigolos too… Living in my home for free, until he got outed by a colleague. This was not before he managed to bring the OW into my bed while I was away on business. Apparently he told her it was HIS house because after I threw him on the curb, she wrote me an email saying I had some cheek to throw him out of his own home! Did she ever have a surprise when it came out that he was penniless, in debt in fact, and the biggest liar imaginable. mwahahaha!
Hey Marci–they sound like they fell out of the same rootless tree–many of your details mirror mine exactly. He showed many women pics of my home, possessions and said they were his–even my mini donkey!
Get this–without my being aware, he took a picture of me while I was in my kitchen. He showed it to an OW and she asked who I was. She told me he replied I was his MAID!!!! She said something to the tune of ‘she doesn’t look like the typical maid and she sure is dressed nice to be cleaning your house’ and he replied he ‘required all his staff to wear full makeup and dress in that manner’.
That is reprehensible that your fucktard brought the OW into your bed—I am sure mine would have tried it but he never got the chance cos I was always home while he was out catting around. I have been told he would dangle the idea of coming to my home with his OWs but he would change his mind when they accepted. “The ranch is so far away, let’s just stay here in town” he’d say. He was taking women out in my car and I paid for the gas, of course.
I would put my proof of insurance in the console and he would remove it. Rinse and repeat–he removed it so no snooping woman would see my name as owner of the car.
Wow! Sounds like FuckWit. I have a similar story .
OMG Willow, This is exactly how I feel too. So humiliated and embarrassed like you wouldn’t believe ! So many ,many very mighty chumps . I at times don’t feel worthy to try to mingle with the strength here at Chump Nation ! So here’s the deal share your story and I’ll make you feel so much stronger when I share mine. 😉
Hey chumpL:
Everyone wheres the chump crown in life. There is no way to know who is or isn’t a cheater.
When I cheated because my wife wanted to be celibate and I got horny, I never believed I would do it. Then there was opportunity right there staring me in the face and I took the rat bait. Like a true rat. I lost my lovely wife, remarried and then got cheated on myself by a women who by all accounts is a saint and so angelic. Who knew. We are working things out. She is worth it, I am worth it our marriage is worth it. And worst of all there out no guarantees that a new gal won’t cheat too,
Let’s vow to make 2015 a Shame-Free year!! — As my therapist said, “What do YOU have to be ashamed of?” — Absolutely nothing. I’ll be you’re in the same boat, Willow. I already KNOW ML is!! — NO SHAME!!! Say it with me now, “NO SHAME!!”
No Shame!! Absolutely, NWB!
NWBiblio & Tempest – yes! I’m trying to detach myself from the shame that rightfully belongs to my f-tard. Really is a journey. BUT, with every large and small victory, I’ll get to “meh.” I know it. On the Mighty List for me being 16 mos post DDay:
– Finished master’s JUST before DDay
– Have continued coaching my high school girls soccer team since DDay in Oct. ’13
– Lost 60 lbs since prior to DDay (back to my fighting weight! LOL!)
– Transformed my spiritual walk with Jesus
– Earned the highest professional award for my industry in Aug ’14
– Divorce finalized Dec. 30 (just in time for my new year!)
– Have primary custody of my 14 year old (she’s disgusted with her “dad;” our 21 yr old won’t talk to him)
– Got all of my retirements, the house, everything in it
– Hand sanded and 4-process painted my kitchen cabinets; working on the ceramic tile backsplash now
– Got new carpet for daughter’s and guest room
– Painted both rooms new colors
– Involved in 2014-15 community leadership program & working on community projects
– Signed up to run my first 1/2 marathon this April
Massive hugs and love to all of us Chumps in 2015! We are mighty!! Thanks and love to Tracy!! 😉
Kibble Free – you sound like me! I am 15 months out, got the final divorce Dec 20, so 2014 was my year of the Phoenix. I really rose from the ashes and took my life back. I also transformed my spiritual walk with Jesus. I lost 53 pounds – not quite as much as you :). I got a new job in another state. I took up fencing with my daughter as a new sport. I am back to competitive horse riding doing eventing. I rescued an x-racehorse and started retraining him. I got a new dog. I did all the painting, carpentry, yard work etc by myself to get the house ready for sale. I also got all the contents of the house, the 3 horses, and full custody of my daughter. My 15 year old daughter also wrote her father off and had her last name changed to my maiden name as part of the divorce.
When I tell people I am divorced I always tell them too that my XH is a serial cheater and the reason we are divorced. He abandoned his family – there was no drifting apart.
I still have moments where self doubt creeps back – but it becomes less and less with time. CL and Chump Nation have been a crucial part of my moving forward. It is definitely true – I am much happier and better off without the dog turd in my life.
Happy New Year!
Shame is something we all feel to start with. I felt it as it was expected that I would stay quiet about my STBX’s cheating bare portion of the blame and focus on an eventual reconciliation. The joke is non of this came directly from him but from those who closed ranks around him in the hope that he would be fully restored. As we were both involved in ministry in our local church. While they pressured me, he created two lives the one he presented to them in compliance with his supposed disciplinary action. And the real him, the man livining the single life, who disrespects his wife and children and anyone else he believes to be beneath him. The man who chose to deny any wrong doing and project all the blame on me for ending our marriage.
I found my strength by seeing all these people for who they really are and being determined to live an honest life of integrity. Every time I told the truth about what happened I became stronger. Now I am stronger I nolonger care who knows and I no longer feel compelled to share my story as often as in the early days.
Here’s to a shame fee 2015.
Hey, Mommy Chump! You rock!! First, isn’t it weird how many things we can accomplish without the dead weight, and having to beg for engagement in the house, the yard, with kids, with animals… I bet you knew all along (like me) that we could have done ANY of the things prior to them abandoning us (mine did the same!!), but we just threw them kibbles to make them think they were necessary. No. What’s necessary is sanity, and girl, we have that now! It’s also strange that my 14 year-old asked me if she could change her name to my maiden name with me in the divorce – just like yours! I told her if it’s something she really wants to do, we’ll do it at a later time. I’m surprised your XH didn’t fight that; just seems like something narcissistic douche bags would do, and who also think they’re justified in their cheating behavior. So amazing what you’re doing with those horses! Massive (((hugs))) to you and your girl! By the time line, we were walking the same hell-walk at the just about the exact same time. You’re gonna kick boo-tay this year, too!!
willow, Even if your story is full of actions you regret, the only way to move forward and toward a brighter life is to let some air in. You have anonymity and a “room” full of incredibly caring and wise people here who have possibly made similar choices. Talking things out, sharing my story and heeding the advice given here has changed my world over the past several months. If you can muster the courage, I can almost promise you that you’ll be on the road to a better tomorrow. Don’t give names or locations, stay general if that helps.. but do share so that you can get a fresh perspective and support to pick yourself up and move forward. Things I was ashamed of doing after my x’s affair turned out to be very typical of what humans do after being brutally hurt by an affair and being emotionally manipulated, you’re NOT alone! Check the forums here, try posting your story in the “general” section of the site forum – more private than this main page. Strength, courage and much love to you!
Willow —
I know the feeling of “shame”. It was long time before I could tell even my best friend that STBX wanted a divorce but once I did spill, I found friends I never new I had. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have women and men who come up to me, just to give me a hug! Those hugs impart such mightiness!
I’m nearly finished with the divorce and it’s been over a year since we officially separated. In that time, I negotiated and bought my own apartment. I used all the resources my husband would have scoffed at and made lots of nice contacts along the way. I couldn’t be happier living on my own terms. My kids are in a good place and my oldest (23) announced this Christmas that she really loves our new holiday traditions … which involves lots of family and sleepovers, etc.
It’s still one day at a time for me, but the more I open myself up to new possibilities, the stronger I feel.
Chump Nation is mighty and we are here/hear for you!
Hugs,
Willow,
I have shared my story in bits and pieces through the comments, but never the entire story. At this point, I am no longer ashamed, just overly-cautious about what I share online. This is the best place to tell your story, no matter how horrific or embarrassing you think it might be, as someone has stated above, someone on here has been through it or something like it. I was amazed at how much of what I felt shame about someone on this site had been through and overcome and or was going through and overcoming it.
I adopted the screen name Chump Princess because I felt I had been such a supreme chump that I had to be some kind of chump royalty. I have discovered I am just one of many in the Queen’s court, whoever she may be.
Share your story whenever you feel comfortable. There is so much love and support here. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you.
Willow, I have made a lifetime of serially committing to narcissists. Some of them cheated some of them didn’t. But after each gruesome relationship, I’d go find another. And another. I’m ashamed of how long it took me to realize that I have a few issues. Ashamed and embarrassed. Embarrassed because I’m not a stupid person. Ashamed because I was old enough to know better a long time ago. I’m recently divorced (again) and am trying to get it right by first getting me right. Chump Lady has given me calculus where before I struggled with arithmetic. A lot of things made a lot more sense once I started looking at the world (and especially narcissists – and myself) through her steady gaze and raucous directness. Keep reading stuff on this site. Read over and over. read until it becomes part of your vocabulary. It helps. Happy New Year to You
I was Mighty this year!
First full year as a single parent, as ex moved overseas autumn of 2013
Traveled internationally with kids and drove on the other side of the road… Managed to not kill anyone!
Took a group of students overseas. I was the only non-student: stressful, but again, all survived.
I applied for promotion at work: a lot of effort to get the materials together; fingers crossed! The more I earn, the less the kids need ex’s money.
Kids and I rescued two cats from a shelter, mother and offspring. They have helped healed our souls; nothing better than a purring cat on your lap.
Daughter attempted suicide this autumn. She is physically healthy, and we are working to get her in a better mental state; she is NC with father.
Ex insisted that I meet the OWife and baby over the holidays. What did I find out? MEH. She is an afterthought (icing, ex demonstrated his true self at that meeting, though I doubt she noticed it. hee hee)
For those of you just joining Chump Nation… It truly gets better. I am 20 months post divorce finalization, 27 months post DDay.
I think I am finally at meh. Just take it day by day, and do not get discouraged when you find your self slipping.
You are SO mighty!!!!! 🙂 Big hugs to your daughter, she is mighty, too!
Thanks, Sunshine! You are Mighty As well. You’re kids are lucky to have you. 🙂
Ugh… YOUR kids. Time for breakfast 😉
I sold the marital home. I applied for a mortgage loan by myself and purchased my own place. Moved myself and two teenage daughters into our new home and made it ours! I am doing great as a single mom and loving my new (stress free) life! I hosted my very first Christmas party in our new home. I am coming up on my one year divorce anniversary in April and I cannot believe how far I have come and I am anticipating an even better year ahead!!!!!
Way to go, Kimmy! I’ve read your posts and just hate your f-tard! So, just know you’re not alone in your distain for that douche bag. LOL! Love that you have a new home, and can make all your new loving memories in there. Here’s to kicking bootay in 2015! =D
Thanks, auto correct… Should read: DISDAIN for that douche bag.
Very different from distain. =P
I survived! I haven’t missed a day of work. I shoveled some snow off an elderly man’s sidewalk. I made Golden Graham Smores, and I write in my journal. I am 3.5 years post d-day and I can look XH in the eyes. Of course he wears sunglasses all the time now (to hide his broken conscience).
No Smores for him!
Is it smores or Shhhmores. 😉
I read my first book yesterday…”Unbroken”…doesn’t that just say it all!! It has been 9 months from DDay and 2 months from the divorce. I was a voracious reader and couldn’t concentrate on a single page. I consider this a huge step in moving forward for me….baby steps, right? It will come Chumps…concentrate on YOU.
Being able to concentrate enough to be able to read for pleasure again was such a sign to me that I was getting back to my true self. It’s the little things (that are really big, important things).
Ditto for me, too, BA and Doop. LOVED to read & as you both mentioned, just could not concentrate! Too many other things needed attention & energy.
Also gardening. (Can’t do now, as I no longer have a home / yard.) But, for 3 years in the middle of the terror, I did not plant my garden. That was soooo telling. And the first year was actually prior to D-Day. That was after 20+ years of doing a (small) garden or containers most years.
For me, it is the small things, just like you Doop, that I feel have been the big things for me.
I don’t have some of those immense trials or accomplishments that some of the chumps have. However, survival (as Friend mentioned) is a mighty accomplishment for many of us.
I do errands and chores for a couple of my older friends, including shoveling snow for my Land Lady. Did not think of those things as mighty, but I guess it is.
Us chumps just try to do those types of things for others, no matter what. But, yeah, doing for others did get pushed aside during the terror. So, to do for others really is mighty (& mighty important!)
Am drawing strength from this MIGHTY nation this morning!
ForgeOn, all you mighty ones! xoxoxox
Wow ladies me too I couldnt listen to music in my car or my home after DD March 16th now it blasting all the time all over the place. I went back to watching TV well my soapies that I tape havent quiet gotten to sitting down and flicking channels. I hope to pick up knitting again and reading. I use to read all the time. Im actually gonna go pick out a book now and be mighty and read it just like you guys. One step at a time. Things come back to you slowly but surely. Hugs to all you Mighty ladies. xxxxx
Me, three, about the reading. I’m finally dipping a toe back into non-self-help reading, and am enjoying it. PTSD messes with your concentration, for sure. I had never been a fidgety person, but… Maybe it helps that my friend sent me a graphic novel (“Fun Home” by Allison Bechdel), so that was a good, offbeat transition (also helps that it was an amazing story with beautiful graphics).
Add me to the list. I have always been a huge reader. After he vanished, I just stacked newspaper, my beloved magazines and books. Couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was really starting to think I was developing dementia. Finally the concentration is starting to come back. Still cannot read a novel or long articles but it is definitely coming back.
Not being able to read was actually one of the clues that I caught on to that my marriage was not all it needed to be. Walking on eggshells all the time does that to person
1. Finally walked away from ex and went NC.
2. Am thriving at work (even with OW and ex there).
3. Graduated from medical school.
4. Currently interviewing for residency positions.
5. Forgave myself for not listening to my intuition sooner.
6. Living by myself for the 1st time and loving my studio apartment (this place saved me).
7. Made a bucket list because I am excited to be alive once again.
7. Finally feel joy, and it has been way too many years since my soul has felt this warmth!!!!
Thank you Tracy and CN for guiding me on this journey. I never wanted it, but there is a part of me that is grateful to have walked this road. I am a better person for surviving this hell. Peace and love in 2015!
Wow. Chumpdom AND medical school? Seriously amazing.
I know! Kudos SmmmGood!
That is mighty ! Doesn’t it feel great to be FuckTard free?
I had a Mighty year – 2.5 years since separation from my cheater and 1.5 years officially divorced – and I am so grateful for all my blessings! I truly reached a state of “meh” about my Ex. He is a disordered, toxic individual and I know without a doubt that I am far better off “alone” than with him. (What does that really mean anyway…I have two amazing kids, family and friends that love and care about me…I’m not alone just because I am not married!) I have occasional flashes of being hurt all over again by him due to the way he manipulates and tries to control our teen sons, but I am totally NC with him so the hurt is deflected in a way – kind of like an annoying, dull pain in your back that quickly goes away when you adjust your position.
Mighty highlights:
–Got my oldest off to college and he had a great first semester!
–Moved (again) into a really great house – negotiated the lease all on my own and got an amazing deal for doing some “sweat equity” work on the overgrown yard. My youngest son said last month after I had pulled out all the Christmas decor from our old life and lovingly decorated that he finally felt at home for the first time since we had to move 2.5 years ago.
–Kept at it with my job and got a nice little end of year bonus that paid for my boys to get almost everything they wanted for Christmas.
–Started dating – just a little. Some of the dates were hilarious – one was creepy – and one I have gone out with several times and will just see where it goes. He’s a great guy – a widower (I knew his wife socially – she died tragically 3.5 years ago) – who truly loved and cherished his wife and has stepped up to the plate to be a wonderful single parent to their two children. Who knows were it will go? If nothing else, I can count him as a new and caring friend!
–Weathered finding out that my ex and the OW are engaged. I feel sorry for her. I really, truly do.
–Worked on forgiveness with my brother who has struggled with drug addiction for years and has stolen money and property from me and other members of our family. He is doing better and I am working on rebuilding my trust in him. I invited him to my home for Christmas and didn’t feel the need to count the silver after he left for the first time in years.
–Negotiated leasing a new car for my son and for myself – first new car I have had in 15 years (Ex always drove nice cars while I had whatever old clunker he didn’t want – last car he got me was a beat up van that some friends were going to have hauled away for junk while he drove an almost new camry…uggh…I will never be put that far down on the priority list by ANYONE ever again. I am way too mighty!!)
I could go on with lots of little victories, but you get the picture. Life goes on after divorce from a slimy cheater and it is a mighty life indeed.
Way to go, Nicole! You ARE mighty! Keep it up, girl. You’re modeling awesomeness for your kids like a true ass-kicking parent should. Woot! Here’s to an awesome 2015! =D
After a year of diligent job hunting, I start my dream job today. It is ina field I have been trying to break into for years!!!!
love to all in Chump Nation.
x-Meh
You go, Mehphista! Good for you!!
Congratulations! Knock their socks off!
Glad to hear it Mehphista. Congratulations!
Big accomplishment, Mehphista.
YEA!!!!! That’s such great news!!!! Hurrah!
wooo hoo!! Yay for you Mephista. I have been waiting for this news…I *knew* it would come. You are so awesome here, how could it not? (cribbed from you….) Meh-x
Congrats, Mephista!
You GO Girl….applause ….applause!!!!
You are so brave, Mehphista. An inspiration!
Congratulations, Mehphista! New year, new job; does it get any better than that?
SO great, Meh!! Cheers to your new career and to an amazing year for you! And thanks for the supportive advice you’ve given over the few months I’ve been reading here, very much appreciated.
You rock!!! Power on, xoxo
You and your daugther have come through so much – many congratulations to you! What a way to start the year!
Awwww, thanks guys! I am going to love it. I pick up DD from her winter adventures (not visiting Mr Fab), tomorrow. Then home – which is a teeny little rented place in a podunk town, but it is OUR teeny little rented place in a podunk town!!!!
Tuesday is coming, keep walking!!!,
x-Meh.
I am 4 months from DDay. I have primary custody of my son through 2 hours of mediation with STBXH), I have filed for child support, redecorated my room, took down photos and working on putting up new ones, I did a photo shoot of just me and my son for our Christmas cards this year, put my son in public school after homeschooling him and turned our school room into a “fun” room for him, I survived Christmas, signed up on Meet Up to make plans to have fun and meet nice people who share my interests. I am currently trying to negotiate a separation agreement with STBXH to address our financial situation. Pray that the “no drama” of him continues.
In this new year, I plan to start running again. I haven’t gone for a run since DDay (in August). I am attending church regularly, doing a daily devotional and praying for all the blessings that are still here and for new ones on the horizon. I also plan to be open for opportunities for fun and laughter.
One of the biggest things I forgot…after DDay happened, I told my 7-year-old son the truth about why Daddy wasn’t coming back. Daddy has a girlfriend and he is married to me so we are getting divorced. He will never think our divorce was his fault. Ever. I live with integrity and honesty every day.
Conniered,
Not trying to derail thread, but how did you handle putting your son into public school??? I am facing putting my 4 children 13,11,9 and 7 whom I have homeschool their whole life, into school because their cheater father lost his first and is no longer paying court ordered child support. I am terrified to do it, but I will have to seek employment after being a SAHM for 14 years. My kids are also sad and upset. How did you do it? Thanks for any advice.
Wow Irish. That is just so heart-wrenching. I had no choice really. I had been working at night and homeschooling during the day. When DDay happened, school had been in session for 2 weeks. I had talked to my neighbor about the schools and she told me which one my son would go to. I called the school directly and asked about registration requirements and the bus schedule. I had to show proof of address and fill out some forms. Later, they asked for attendance records (haha) and test results for his school file. He also needed a few state-required immunizations. He was actually excited about going school and he was “ready” academically. He is doing well and I keep in contact with his teacher and the main office when I need to. It is a great small little school. I feel truly blessed that it has gone so well. We have been proactive in setting up play dates with new friends…like we did when we homeschooled. We still read together and I help him with his homework each afternoon so I am still “teaching” but not so intensely. We did not have a lot of outside activities at that time so that was fortunate.
It will be an adjustment for your family but it’s not the end of the world. It really isn’t. I will pray for a smooth transition. It could be a blessing in disguise.
For all you home schooling mom, I am public school mom and want to assure you that there are wonderful people in public school. There are wonderful, creative, thoughtful, kind kids and an equal number of teachers. My kids have thrived in public school. Now I will tell you that I am very particular about who their teacher is and who they hang with, but it can be done. More over, they will be challenged. They will have to work on their discernment skills as to who is a good person and who is not. (Given our level of discernment with our husbands, that is a great skill to learn early.) They maybe challenged academically, again not a bad thing as the work a day world does not take prisoners. Generally jobs go to the best and brightest as do college placements. I have had two kids come out of the public school system and they have done fabulously in life, one getting a PhD in Switzerland and the other married and with a great job at U of W who travels all over the world. The younger is kick ass too. So don’t worry. As you trust your husband SUCKs. Trust that your kids are wonderful, intelligent, throughtful people and they will find and attact similar types of kids. They can go out and be MIGHTY too.
Irish, school counselors are a great resource. Go in beforehand and talk to the counselor, and ask to meet with their teachers to explain the situation. Some teachers will assign a buddy to accompany your children as they go throughout their day. This will give them someone to sit by at lunch, play with at recess, etc. Expect some of your kids to transition well and others to have a rough time. My first son cried every day for about a week but then he finally adjusted. My second son adapted like a breeze. It just depends on how easily they adjust to new situations. From my own experience I can tell you that I had to move to a new school in the middle of my junior year in high school, and had been with the same kids since 1st grade. I thought I was going to die, but after the move I adapted well and learned many new things. Overall it was a positive experience.
I will add here that I did speak with the guidance counselor about talking to my son right after I told him the truth. She shared that information with his teacher and that was great. However, she used a damn kids book about divorce that about made me hit the ceiling written by Marc Brown called Dinosaurs Divorce. Horrible. So when you talk to the guidance counselor ask specific questions about how they talk to kids dealing with divorce.
I will tell you that my son LOVES the after school program!! I was shocked! Who knew! He stays after school about every Wednesday because his friend stays after school those days. That is really awesome. I sometimes use that time after work, before I pick him up, to do some grocery shopping or make phone calls to attorneys or or things related to the divorce or custody or whatever so he doesn’t have to hear it.
And like I said, it’s been a great experience so far. Being a homeschool mom will make you a vigilant and involved parent as your kids transition. Just be positive for them and give them reassurance and support. And lots of hugs.
Irish–definitely go take a tour of the school/s your kids might go to. You may even be able to sit in on classes. It may be much better than you imagine. Sometimes when you’re scared of something, it helps to check the closet!
Take your kids on a visit to the school they are going to go to also. it will take some fear out for them. show them around the school. where the bathrooms are and lunch room. how to get to their classrooms. where their locker is (even if it is in the classroom) and where the pickup/ bus is. kids stress out on not know where the bathroom is, and your kids havent had to ask that question before might be intimidating for them to have to ask. i am sure if you talk to the principle, explain that you want your kids to tour the school, they will be willing to accommodate you. maybe the teacher will be willing to met with you after school so she/he can met with your child and show him where he will sit, etc.
i do this every year with my kids. my oldest told me after she graduated that it really helped her when she was younger because she would be so freaked out at where these things were before school started. she said she was always ready on the first day of school because those little things were taken care of she was able to enjoy the day without stressing. my 2 youngest boys have never said anything but this year (when i was trying to stick my head in the sand) both of them reminded me that we needed to go to their school the day before school started. So i am sure this helps them also. we do a walk around the whole school, go from the office to their classroom, met the teachers, find where they will sit and where their lockers/baskets/cubbies are, find the bathrooms, find the library and lunch rooms. find the playground. find how to go out to where i will pick them up or where they will get the bus.
another thing you never had to worry about, but make sure you dont list your ex on the pick up sheet. in fact, if he is not to pick them up for any reason, make sure you make the school understand that. take your custody agreement so they can put it in your kids records. i had to put my kids on a no contact list. seriously never knew the school had that precaution. but after XSIL just walked into my youngest classroom and took pictures of him (to send to dear old dad) i made sure that NOBODY has access to my kids at school again. this includes my own people (my mom, sister, etc) but it is better this way. if XH or anyone tries to access my kids, i get a phone call first. So be sure you make these kinds of arrangements for your kids, especially if you are worried that XH will kidnap them. not trying to scare you against public schools, just trying to warn you to make the precautions BEFORE it happens. the schools are actually really good about this and understand (you wont believe how many kids are in this situations, sadly) but if you dont tell them then they dont know.
good luck. your kids will be okay. i bet they adjust faster then you do.
hugs to you.
Single greatest accomplishment of 2014…legally divorced!!! I also finished painting my own house, adopted a dog, went on a blind date with an amazing man who treats me my daughter and I so great, paid off my credit cards, enforced my boundaries while giving zero fucks, de friended cheaters family and friends that “support” him, made new friends, survived Christmas Eve without my child even though I wept for her, hosted Thanksgiving. I’m so proud of myself!!!
Very mighty!
Yeah, everyone!!
My progress? I:
-just completely ignored a text from dipsh*t to make sure I don’t put any identifying information on any on-line divorce support sites I am on [shh–no one knows me, right?]
-fended off an email yesterday from one of my main supports who had written some arguments for reconciliation
-adopted 2 shelter dogs over the holidays, including a deaf/blind 10-year old dog who was scheduled for euthanasia
-am finally over the hump (I think) of emotional recovery, 3.5 months after D-day
-developing a better relationship with both daughters now that we do not have to alter our behavior to avoid snide comments & criticism from cheaterpants
Way to be strong, Tempest. Congratulations.
Tempest, good for you for fending off an email from supporter who wanted you to reconcile ( I’ve been reading your blog). You are mighty
for adopting those dogs,especially the deaf/blind one.i’m sure they will repay you in kind,as they know you have saved them,so they,in turn,will save you. You are mighty!
Way to go Tempest!
Dday was 3 years 7 mos 26 days ago.
WH stopped his A, & has been going to MC with me ever since. He is trying, but since he has been so clueless for his entire life, I don’t know if he will ever get it.
I decided to try to R until we have an empty next (2 1/2 years to go.)
Some days I think we have a chance, on others I feel like packing my bags.
Because of political climate, I have been feelingvery trapped professionally.
So, I applied & am waiting to hear if I got into a grad program —intend to change my career to one that I will enjoy more if I am alone for the rest of my life!
Good for you, Matilda! You would never know if you could R if you didn’t give it a shot.
Thank you Resa. After Dday, we chumps are between a rock & a hard place, aren’t we.
I’ve been going to sushi bars, restaurants and movies, by myself! I get a paper and my reading glasses have a little sake or glass of wine and eat without having to hear the other party ramble on about himself through the entire meal. I LOVE IT. The servers couldn’t be more gracious.
I joined a ukelele open mic “meet up” to learn more about the instrument and the first meet up is tonight.
My goal is to learn, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.
Love this. 🙂
Fun! I go to movies alone, but really need to work on eating alone. The Uke class sounds like so much fun.
Start slow–try a semi-fast food chain like Chipotle or Panera where you order at the counter and there are lots of people eating alone or a diner. Do lunch or breakfast at an off -peak time. If you like to work on the computer, try a place with wi-fi. I take my iPad everywhere and read on my Kindle app or take my laptop and write or do work if I’m waiting for food. Relax. Eat slowly. Enjoy your food. I eat alone all the time. I’ve always done lunch alone at least 2 or 3 days a week, even when I’ve been in a relationship. I’d eat in the college dining hall more often (all you can eat, massive choice, healthy vegs) but sometimes My introverted side needs down time with myself. Start slow and remember that no one is making negative judgments because you aren’t in a herd or a couple. One thing I’ve done is make an effort to look good, dress well, be engaged with the people taking orders, etc. If people look at you at all it will be to note that you are poised and confident enoigh to move arind in the world as an individual. I also go to major local events, the baseball park, live theater and concerts by myself. If I want to do it and no one else is available, I go and have a great time.
CalamityJane–you are one of my many heroes on this site!
Practice that ukelele; Karma Express needs accompaniment for the Cheater songs she has written if we have a ChumpaCon.
You made me smile big time CJ! I played the uke in high school….many years ago. You have planted a seed. My song goal would be The Muppets “Rainbow Connection!” See YouTube…Muppet Movie, Kermit and the RC…I love that song!! It makes me cry every time. We chumps will get “to the other side!”
BlownAway, that song is great. I’m also learning that one, Over The Rainbow, and Wonderful World along with a few more classic / hard rock songs on guitar within these next few months. Nothing like an instrument to take your mind off of troubles, eh? Picking up the guitar changes my mood pretty quickly from low to higher. Pretty reliable!
So I need to do a ukulele arrangement for my FU cheater songs? 🙂
Yes!
Cool, I’ve been learning ukulele too! My kids gave me one last Mother’s Day!
Amanda Palmer’s “Ukelele Anthem” makes me smile and want to learn to play. Just saying ukulele makes me smile! I go to pubs for appetizers and good beer by myself occasionally. I take a magazine and have a great time! Good for you!!
I hate to be the turd in the punchbowl here, but have had much personal contact with AFP, and she’s a Narc of the worst imaginable degree, a cheater, a ripper-off of other people’s work, including high school kids for crying out loud!, a cheater (an avowed Monogamish advocate)..although it’s her marriage, and if they are both ok with it, wevs. But, she’s not good people. Just needed to pop in and say that. Sorry for the thread jack. Deep sigh.
Namedforvera–the AFP is the turd in the punchbowl. Good thing that punch is not good for you; switch to lemonade or tea. Live your own life and let her f**k up hers . Monogamish indeed–I suspect the Karma bus is headed her way.
Did you happen to read the column in the New Yorker about William Macy (actor), who’s a huge ukulele aficionado? It was really charming! — I myself bought a concertina (those tiny accordion things) and plan to learn to play. Fun to think about!
We need to form a chump band with chump lyricists of FU cheater songs!
For you, Calamity. I stayed in Hawai’i some years ago, made a lot of friends there–I never got to see Brudda Iz sing in person, as he had passed a few years prior—but the story of this man is the epitome of mightiness.
He is amazing, I’ve also admired him for years and wish I could have met him in person but so grateful for his beautiful spirit and the music and joy he left behind for us all.
A great fan of IZ, all schools should play his music IMHO. My babies, toddlers, and preschoolers have always loved his music. We do free art by it. Bought an IZ album for my son for Christmas too. 🙂
Oh, he da man ain’t he! Thanks, Spinxmoth.
Inspired me to get a uke.
I went out to eat alone for the first time right after I discovered the affair. I was hurting but damn I loved it! It’s so empowering even though it can seem so insignificant to the rest of the world.
Who else out there has had a near meltdown when you are asked ‘seating for two …..or ONLY ONE?’. Those words can bring you to your knees. I
No meltdowns, but a few days ago checking into a hotel, which was also having a NYE dinner which I attended, the desk clerk asked me no fewer than 3x about being alone: just one room key? Just one for dinner? Would you like a second room key?
Dude! I’m here on my own. One for dinner. One room key. Now please give it to me so I can go to my room!
ExpatChump, you should have shown desk dude just one middle finger!
Ha, ha, I always get 2 room keys because I lose them. And just smile and say “one, please.” And if you need space to work, don’t settle for a teensy table in a traffic path if the place is near-empty.
Hesatthecurb, try going to a city where you don’t know anybody. I’ve gone to “the city” alone for a day of shopping on several occasions. I’m finding it more and more comfortable to eat alone. I take a deep breath, stand up tall, and walk up to the host/hostess with a warm smile, and tell them “one for lunch please.” Try this, and remember, nobody knows you. They can only judge you by what they see… so project confidence. If the host asks you again, tell him/her confidently in your normal tone that you are dining alone… don’t whisper it; this should help your confidence. By the way, the first thing I do when I sit down is order a glass of wine. By the time my meal arrives I feel perfectly comfortable. I’ll bet there will be plenty of other women watching you and wishing they had the confidence to do the same!
Thanks, Journey–great advice for everyone! As a matter of fact, I have gotten in the habit of beating the seating hostess to the punchline before she can even ask. I am finally beyond the anguish of doing things on my own but it’s been a LONG time coming.
WithBraveWings no disrespect intended but WTF how did you manage to keep any food down so soon after that initial trauma??? 2nd year in and I still dry wretch :((( I couldn’t drink or feed myself forever!!! 🙁
I guess my mightiness is consciously each day remembering to feed myself and hydrate otherwise it’s back in Emergency on drips for me … I can’t believe my life has become this 🙁
Maleficent,
I am not sure how far you are from d’day. But I encourage you it will get better. Two months after d’day while caring for my youngest in hospital, one of the nurses took me aside and encouraged me heavely to eat. I was relying on coffee from the local coffe house to get me through because the thought of food made me nauseas. We had been in hospital for weeks at this point.
In 2015 I encourage you to take care of you. I struggled when people started to say this to me 12 months ago as I considered it to be selfish.
But you are the most important thing in your would right now. Especially if you have kids because if something happens to you what happens to them.
Look after you. And be mighty.
Maleficent- i should not have said that i went out to eat RIGHT after discovering the affair, lol, NO. I lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks from not being able to eat. A few months after the discovery, I ate alone at a restaurant.
Unfortunately, we all know your pain, but I promise you that it IS finite.
Good for you, CJ! I’ve also been enjoying things as a single person that I had previously only thought I enjoyed as a couple. It’s a new and neat feeling and has given me a nice fresh perspective. I also have the goal of playing out (guitar) at some point this year, which I’ve never done. Cheers to you and a musical and beautiful year enjoying this single life! Empowering!
You go UC. It’s empowering!
If you haven’t found it already, check out Ukulele Underground. Their website and YouTube page have many how-to videos and if I remember correctly, Somewhere Under The Rainbow was one of them… In IZ style.
When my cheating ex dragged me around the floor, then sat me down and ripped off my wedding rings in a ridiculous accusation that I was cheating on him (oh the irony), I went as limp as a rag doll and let him while inside I turned to steel and called it the end of our marriage as I said to myself, “I am not what he says I am, and even if I was, I do not deserve to be treated like this”. He never got me back though it took some time to leave.
You’re fierce! Congratulations!
Wow, is nothing unique on here….mine done that too after DDay 1 many years ago. Actually ripped my ring off when he was having an affair himself!
An anecdote about rings and affairs: early on with the gigolo, we were out having a romantic early afternoon drink. I noticed he was wearing a fashion ring on his ‘ring finger’. I inquired and he turned his blinding smile on me and said he had wanted to broach us wearing ‘commitment rings’. I was thrilled cos I really missed my beautiful wedding band after my divorce. We cooed and cuddled and decided we would go forward and I would wear my band and he would wear one of his several ‘fashion’ rings–“We are a committed couple, Baby!” he smoozed.
Soon thereafter he mentioned he had a business function later that evening that ‘would only take a few hours.’ As I recall he returned FAR more than a ‘few hours’ later. His other woman eventually told me that the very same night, he was with HER and broached the idea of THEM wearing ‘commitment rings’.
Fucktard!
PS–almost immediately upon meeting, he called me and every one of his OWs ‘Baby’–that way he didn’t call us by the wrong name.
Double Fucktard!
Exactly like my jerkwad! Called me “sweetheart” almost instantly, never used my actual name, and proposed way too soon that we wear commitment rings….but rather than buy new ones, just use old ones that we like. His choice of ring? His “old” wedding band! You can’t make this shit up.
Cerise—he was delighted that I wanted to wear my wedding band…. With its three large diamonds, it gave everyone the impression that HE HAD PAID FOR and bestowed it upon me. He did have tons of fancy clothes/shoes and looked the part but the truth of the matter is Fucktard didn’t have a pot to piss in or a cent to his name. Once I got him evicted, his brother came halfway across the country to supervise (at my insistence) his move out. All his possessions were put into a storage unit. After the 3 months rent his brother paid for in advance were expended , everything was sold for pennies on the dollar as Fucktard couldn’t pay for it… HAHAHAHAHEEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHA
More evidence he’s a SUPERJERK—-his last call before I totally adhered to no contact…….he was telling me he missed me. Then he said he missed my CAR. I asked ‘what did you say?’. He repeated it. CLICK! END OF CONVERSATION AND BEGINNING OF DEDICATED NO CONTACT!!!
“Wow, is nothing unique on here….mine done that too after DDay 1 many years ago. Actually ripped my ring off when he was having an affair himself!”
How violent and piggish! My ring was so tight to get over the knuckle (so it wouldn’t twist on the finger) would have been brutal to yank off. You’d need a lot of olive oil. This is so violent to hear, not to mention cruel – just when you think you’ve heard it all. And THEY were the ones cheating. Not sure it gets any worse than that. (yes, it does, of some here)
The FIRST thing the X wanted when it came to choosing pieces of ‘art’ from the home – he wanted MY wedding ring.
Can’t help it but, not only me and my attorney, but most of my family and friends got a huge belly laugh out of that. The gall is unbelievable.
MMargaret–steel is forged in fire (which is what these cheaters dish out emotionally). Good for you!
Six months ago I would have repeated all the stuff I thought represented mightiness such as losing 70 pounds, swimming six days a week, volunteering, but in the last several weeks I can see that I am entering a new phase and it’s such a relief. I never thought I’d get here, I really didn’t.
I guess I don’t have enough confidence to say I’m at Meh, but I can see it in the not too distant future. Just writing that last sentence makes me feel mightier than anything else I’ve accomplished in the 14+ months since d-day.
I was in such a co-dependent relationship that even though I knew we were wrong for one another, I still wished this had never happened and we were still together. I don’t wish that anymore. I’m no longer just surviving. I’m beginning to live.
2015 really will be my year.
Oh, and I NEVER would have gotten here w/o the support from this website — you never gave up on me. xox
ML–my sense as a relative newbie (October) is that you give more than you take. Thank you for helping the rest of us limp toward recovery!!
Aww, Tempest. Thank you. xox
ML, you are so mighty!
Because it’s been such a struggle for you, this warms my heart more than I can say. You ARE Mighty, ML!! I’m so excited about your new life. You clearly have so much wonderfulness, I think you’re gonna be have just an awesome awesome life!!
Moving, you are mighty and I know 2015 holds great things for you.
I think you’re right, ML. 2015 will be your year. It’s amazing how much you’ve grown over the last few months. I’ve enjoyed keeping tabs with your progress on your blog. Inspiring!
You bet it will! You’re rockin’ it lately ML. All that newfound confidence is going to help you get that job you want.
ML, you are just scratching the surface of your mightiness. And don’t discount that 70 pounds (woohoo!!), daily eercise, and volunteering. You are building a new life the right way, by committing to your health on all fronts. I predict that there will be a day when you see the betrayal as a horrifically painful but productive turning point in your life, (((big hugs)))
sorry for the iPad typing errors…
Bought a dressing table and new curtains for my bedroom now that my hoarding ex has moved out with all his crap. For the first time in 27 years I don’t have to look at a heap of his clothes on the bedroom floor (which he expressly forbade me to tidy away).
D-day was only 3 months ago so still feeling very fragile.
Good for you for making your bedroom space YOURS and doing some things to take care of yourself in those early, so very difficult days. That is mighty.
Lelibelle, I did the same thing. I bought all new bedding and painted my room. Still waiting for extra money to put up curtains. He never wanted to put up curtains but I think they are pretty and functional. It felt so good to make that space my own. I was feeling more fragile then as well. It was almost unbearable to be in “our” bedroom knowing what he had done. Now, my bedroom is my favorite space in the house. I am a little over 4 months from DDay. Hang in there. It does get better. Hugs.
Paid for my half of the divorce in December ( yeah I know …) and should be free in 2015!
After BD in August of 2012, and years of not believing MOW was just a friend ( and a few others ) I went back to school that fall and graduated with top marks.
I am now working in my field, Hold down a small part time job on top of that, co parent with a fucktard and have a decent ( small but mighty ) older house and nice car.
All of this after he financially destroyed us with 7 years worth of school, no assets left and a pile of debt.
If I can put one foot in front of the other in a strange city where I still don’t really know anyone – you can to.
It does get better – and if not really better, different in a good way.
I started dating again – but realize I am looking for my equal. Not somebody who I have to carry or who brings me down. I don’t need a man to be Mighty!
But it would be nice one day 🙂
lisahaight1969, I hope to start dating. I don’t feel ready yet (DDay was in August) but I think about it all the time. I loved being a couple. But like you, I will be looking for my equal and someone I don’t have to carry financially or in any other way. All our marital debt is in my name!! The things we chumps do for those we love and are committed to. Well, never again. Lesson learned. Good luck to you!
You too 🙂
-Packed up and moved out of our marital home all on my own (I had movers for the heavy lifting, but I did the packing – except for his shit, which I left in a neat pile in the garage). My ex was also a hoarder, so this took some time.
-Hired a lawyer to deal with harassing ex, who was refusing to pay half of the household expenses after I moved out of the house. (Ex stinks of entitlement, some how, he cheats and I’m the one who should pay all?). He would just forward all bills to me in an envelope. No note. Also, he thought harassment only works one way, my attorney was happy to explain to him that he was harassing me and that for someone the purported to not want anything to do with me, (he and OW filed restraining orders when I revealed their great love) he was engaging me with contact over what is legally half his responsibility. Why?!! Haven’t heard from him since, and our house sold in July. I am fucktard free!!!
-I signed up for a half marathon (cheater ex and OW are runners – if they can do it, so can I!) I’ve been training for two months and run in May. Prior to this, I’ve not run a step as an adult.
-Had a little relationship over the summer. It was empowering to feel wanted! (Ex made me feel like I had cooties!). Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, but it was fun!
-I’ve been in IC for 1.5 years. IC told me I’m healthy enough to have a healthy relationship. A friend set me up with a great guy that walks the walk. I’m very excited about my future for the first time in a long time!
I made it through the rain! You will too!
Good for you with the running! i’ve been a runner for 30+ years, and though I’m no longer fast as I was, I still enjoy. A great way to burn off the negative fumes. Remember, “the race goes not only to the swift, but to those who keep on running.”
Thanks NWB! I think it is all about the endurance. After what I endured with the ex cheating, this kind of challenge promises to be rewarding! Happy New Year to you!
Another runner here. Ran my fastest marathon to date 11 months after DDay. And I felt truly mighty!
Awesome expatChump! You are MIGHTY!!! That’s amazing!!
Hello chumps and best 2015 wishes to all of you! Almost three years since I uncovered the five year long affair, about a year and a half away from divorce.
Yesterday, ran into the ex and her “soul mate”” (yes… the same guy) at the grocery store, chatted about the weather and waved goodbye. I was the model of politeness and humor. My heart rate might have momentarily spiked, but the POWER OF MEH was with me, and this was a true test of how far I have come. I observed them as a severely flawed, self obsessed duo, my base gut feeling was simply “ick”.
I cannot tell you how much sleep I lost, and many brain cycles I wasted on obsessing about them over the last few years. Just to see them as humans, in the flesh buying papertowels was an amazing MEH revelation.
Schadenfreude fun fact: the ex lost her license for a while due to a DUI, so he has to drive her around to do everything.
Whoa, Chumpion!! That is Meh–you could converse with cheater & OM in the grocery store without hitting them with a bag of flour.
And Schadenfreude–a favorite word (and concept)!
Tempest,
The meh was a long process. I live in a small community and do the same recreational activity as the “unholy union” as my friends call the couple. I have been exposed to them before and have developed some immunity over time. Initially seeing him was enough to throw me off for a few days.
Ablsolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE “unholy union” HA HA HA HA HA
i better get to work……
Chumpion, so proud of you! My worst fear is bumping into cheater and whoever his current flavor is (there’s no specific one, just anyone and everyone). My one and only panic attack was walking through the mall last Christmas with my daughter when the thought crossed my mind that it could happen. It didn’t and hasn’t but it’s still my worst fear. I’ve bumped into him alone several times and that’s bad enough – ha ha!! You are mighty!
ByeByeCheater, I hear you about the panic attacks. Two and a half years ago just the thought of bumping into the the self obsessed narcissist my equally impaired ex-wife had been secretly seeing for years would actually give me a true panic attack. i once saw him from a distance in a parking lot with his wife who he cheated on (long story) and it threw me off for a whole day. I wish meh could have kicked in immediately so I did not have to waste my time being such a basket case during that time.
I think yesterday bumping to my ex and her “soul mate” (her words) and feeling like I was happier than either of them felt pretty fucking good.
All you mighty chumps are an inspiration.
I hope over time I’ll get their too Chumpion. Right now he lives about 10 min from me so of course I will bump into him. He works 45 min from here so I don’t understand why he doesn’t move closer to his work so he can have his ho workers over during the day instead of doing them in the parking lot or the nearby cheap hotel. I so want him far, far away from me!!
Managed to serve 80 guests & staff mighty Xmas & New Years dinners, while feeling like crawling under the blankets.
Made a nasty fall of my horse and did not dare riding for a while. But I’m back up there and enjoying it.
Eish, I admire your courage and strength for pressing on towards mightiness (I say this from under the blankets, where I ended up after major setback yesterday).
Anyone would feel like crawling under the blankets after serving 80 guests dinner. That’s mighty!
I gained back 5 of the 12 pounds I lost post D-Day from enjoying too much holiday food. It’s nice to like food again.
Me, too — Even my friends have remarked they’re happy I’m back to eating again! (I am, too — food can be so DELICIOUS!! I forgot, there for a while!!)
I lost 22 pounds in 3 weeks and went to a size 0. I looked so sick because, well, I was. I hated hearing the horrible “you’re so skinny” comments. Well, no shit. Today I weigh more than I ever have in my whole entire life and it’s great!
Yay and hooray! A new year begins, and I am cheater free! It’s been almost a year since we split, and 8 months since D-day.
I’m mighty–I don’t mind saying it!
I filed for divorce from the dirty, stinky cheater while I was unemployed, with a 2 and 3 year old, and an over-drawn checking account. He hadn’t given me any money (and still hasn’t, since every court date I schedule, he finds a way to weasel out of due to ‘schedule conflicts’–meaning he won’t pay his attorney).
In the months that followed, I had some ups and downs. I was offered an amazing job that I absolutely love. But, I also was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the cervix, due to an HPV infection, courtesy of Cheater McCheaterson. I had surgery, and so far, so good.
I got to keep my house. I’ve been able to fix it up the way I have always wanted to. Each room is a bright and beautiful color. Each time I walk into a room, I smile.
I have learned how to mow the yard, kill pests, and even got my 9′ Christmas tree out of the attic all by myself.
I’m happy, and I take care of myself. As a result, I can fit into my jeans that I wore way back in college. There’s nothing like wearing 10 year old jeans from American Eagle Outfitters when you’re in your 30s!
I’ve experienced the kindness of so many, both family and friends, as well as strangers. A neighbor of mine that I had never even met paid to have my tree limbs pruned after a big storm. He said he watched me push-mow my yard each week all summer and simply wanted to help me out.
I’ve started a second graduate degree. I get to travel. I even get to buy cute shoes again, because I don’t have to share my money to fund someone else’s hooker habit.
I’ve learned who is really a friend, and who really isn’t. Sometimes, those people who aren’t true friends may even be family. It’s a tough lesson, but one that I’m glad I learned. I’ve also learned how to be a better friend.
And, finally, I learned to accept that life is a lot like the video game Tetris: Some people get to level one or two, and they quit. They never do anymore. They never advance. They are happy just letting things stack up. My brother is one of these types of people. He has a meltdown if his yard man has to come on a Monday instead of a Friday. The worst thing that has ever happened to him was when his toddler had an allergic reaction to an ant bite, and he had to go to the ER to get Benadryl.
Me? I am a Level 99 Master! Send all the little crazy-shaped blocks you want my way, and I can maneuver them into a manageable spot. I have 2 preemies, one born 14 weeks early and the other born 8 weeks early. They are 10 months apart in age–which was certainly not planned. My oldest has some developmental delay, and doctors are starting to talk about possible cerebral palsy. She’s brilliantly smart, so I really don’t care that she can’t jump yet, runs kind of funny, and has some physical limitations right now. That’s why we have PTs and OTs.
Together, my daughters and I can take on the world. Because we are MIGHTY!
Love the Tetris analogy! You rock!
That is an incredible amount of mightiness, Kelli. Wow. And I hope the fucktard has to pay you support SOONEST, plus arrears with interest.
You and me both, especially since he owes me about $20,000 in arrears. That’s before property settlements for the hidden 401Ks, a year’s worth of bills he refuses to pay, and a personal injury suit. Next court date is January 22nd. I think he is pretty much at his limit of stalling. Time to pay the piper. I’m glad I’m the piper!
You take mighty to a whole new level. (See, it’s not just in tetris!) Rock on, fellow chump mama. You’re doing it right.
Mine is not that mighty but at 60 (63 in 2 weeks), I bought my apartment and moved myself in, then set about furnishing it the way I wanted it. I eat and sleep much better than I ever have and I lead an authentic life without any more drama in it. I have made some very nice new decent friends and I am learning about furniture restoration and I will be following that up with upholstery and interior designing courses. I don’t know about other Chumps but have any of your ex’s turned around and made it look like to the world that they were the ones Chumped? Mine has played that card beautifully and I have been painted as crazy. I know I am not but it still hurts me very much to hear that. In fact my own son said I was and that was the deepest cut of all. My ex has fooled nearly everyone but people are slowly learning the truth.
Yes, Maree, my (now X) husband did this too. I think it is pretty common, a form of projection. My best friend is going through this right now with her children. Her tween daughter buys daddy’s line of bull. Fortunately their young son doesn’t. But it is very painful. I told my friend to stop trying to convince daughter and just live her life.
Maree, mine did the same: convincing me and the people around us that I’m crazy. But whereas others were on my side first he slowly but surely makes them see it is all my fault and he is the actual victim. I am losing more and more people. Sometimes it’s hard to find the strength to stand up against this.
Pupsticle, I agree with you. Having to stand up day after day is very hard but it has to be done. The people you are losing are not worth your friendship or time. I have slowly but surely eliminated everyone who has taken the ex’s side. He was raised by an Oscar winning performing mother and boy was he taught well. Having said that, if you met him you would think he was just lovely. Our daughter (35) and our son (32) think he is just the best person even though they know he is having sex with teenagers. He has to get his jollies somehow they said, so it is acceptable to them. They have his morals – NONE in other words.
One day everyone will see who the real “mf’r” is because YOU are NOT THERE to spackle.
Who they “really are” will become very obvious….patience, my chumps, patience.
I was told by my phsyc that I would loose friends over what has happened with STBX. And it is true.
In this sort of separation the shit sinks to the bottom and the cream rises to the top.
And just think of all the new friends you get to make without their judgment.
Maree,
I’m pretty sure X has painted it that way to some of his friends/family (that he was Chumped), when I wouldn’t take him back after Schmoopie dumped him and he kept telling me all the things he was going to do to prove he changed, and then did not a single one, so I started dating someone and he flipped. The sad part is, I was willing to give him a chance, if he would have just done one thing of all the things he said he’d do. And I waited for that chance for a hell of a lot longer than I should have.
BUT, those people are the same people who didn’t have a problem at all with him leaving his family for a much younger married woman, so they are horrible POS’s, same as him. A few of the people who tried to be Switzerland initially, seem like they have had realization that X is a POS when he’s pulled some of his nasty tricks on them and quit sparkling.
Maree,
My Ex did the same thing to me. It is called gaslighting, and it is so cruel.
I am 11 months post D-day. I finally realized that the man is manipulative. I saw a lawyer before Christmas and filled out the paperwork. Planning on filing later this month. I will probably loose the house and he promised me thst he would fight me for custody. Its going to be a long road ahead but I am mighty! I can do it!
Yes you can. Stay strong, Elizabeth.
Realized I can be the bigger person. Held an engagement party for oldest son and invited ex + guest, invited exMIL and ex BIL. ExMil called to see if she could bring a friend and if exBIL could bring his GF. I told her sure. exMIL always said I was her daughter after taking care of her and exFIL for years (she is blind, he had Alzheimers), but after her son emotionally abused me for years she never talked to me. ExBIL supported his bro during 3 year A, and encouraged ex not to worry about me or sons because “he just needs to be happy.” This still makes me want to puke.
Party turned out fantastic, they all sat in the corner staring at everyone and left early while my sons, sons fiancee and I stayed late, danced and closed the restaurant down. Never got a thank you from them.
After party, sons told me it will be a memory of a lifetime, and that their sperm donor slunk around the party looking hideously embarrassed.
Also rehabbed an old house (much of it alone), brought it up to code and and now have a small income as a landlord.
Getting the family home ready to put on the market after the wedding this summer. Still cleaning out his crap. Yep, another hoarder. What is with the prevalence of MLC and hoarders?
Started private pilot license training in 2014. Got back to the hobbies I love. Finding old beat up furniture and reinventing it. Back to target shooting and honed my skills at trap/skeet.
It was a very good year, and I plan on making 2015 even better.
Ruggermom, I love you calling your children’s father their “sperm donor”! You are mighty! And it makes me, puke, too, when my cheater’s apologists talk about how he needs to be happy. Barf.
You fly planes, shoot guns, and rehabbed a house? Da-mn, girl! Way to go!
7 months since D-Day, filed for divorce in Oct 14, granted decree nisi on 2 Jan 15, currently sorting our financial settlement pending decree absolute. Since D-Day, I have:
1. Redecorated bits of my marital home to my own liking since ex moved out. Got rid of those ugly cheesy cushions and mugs that my ex liked.
2. Became totally independent. Cooking and shopping for myself and my daughter, who spends 4 days a week with me. Arranged for childminder and school activities by myself. Helped daughter with school work. Did not depend on my selfish psycho ex for any assistance.
3. Managed and managing the separation and divorce proceedings, as ex was and is totally clueless. Went NC a few months back when I discovered that she was deflecting blame and had actually flown over to New York to meet her new beau (I had actually booked us a surprise trip to New York for our 10th anniversary last year but she declined to go after she got involved with her long distance boyfriend). She had already introduced our daughter to her new boyfriend (albeit on-line on Facetime) shortly after separation.
4. Helped my daughter to deal with the pain of separation. She’s not happy with it and is convinced that Mommy will come home after her new redneck beau across the pond in Hicksville, U.S.A. (who has 4 kids) dies. Bless her but Daddy ain’t gonna take cheating Mommy back.
5. Went on holiday in Dubai with daughter and had a wonderful time by ourselves.
6. Spend Xmas eve without my little girl, who was with her mother and her narcissistic and ungrateful family in France. Was a bit wrecked but survived and went to Rotterdam to see a friend. Had peaceful time.
7. Got myself a new car for my 6 year old’s school runs and excursions.
8. Completed my first century (100 miles) on my bike.
9. Finished with Gold in a subsequent sportive.
10. Cycled 80 miles across northern France.
11. Dated again after more than 18 years. Went speed dating which was rubbish. On-line dating was hit and miss. A lot of damaged and weird people out there. Currently seeing a wonderful single mom who is more mature, cool and fun. Not really sure where this will lead to but am taking things slowly and one step at a time.
I am basically getting my shit together and it is hard sometimes. I still wobble occasionally for having lost my “family”, especially when I see the hurt in my daughter’s eyes or when I see other happy families in the conventional sense, but I know I am and will be better off without the ungrateful, narcissistic cheating ex.
You have 11 lines of mightiness and she has a hick. You win. 🙂
When I got rid of my biggest power tool AKA “The Idiot ” I was a little lost about home repair and yard maintenace. Luckily I now possess a Lowes credit card…thank you Lowes/Home Depot for your free classes…thank you internet /You tube for all the instructional videos….and thank you to my kid…who clapped and hollered YAHOO!!! when Mom fixed the leaky refrigerator water line…That day I was mighty on so many levels….and from this day forward…nobody mows my lawn but me.
That’s awesome! I’m going to work on that now! Thanks for the idea!
I will just pick up and run with CL’s comment on showers.
It’s a very simple thing, but, taking a shower can make you feel SO much better. Sometimes I have to drag my ass in there, but, I feel a lot better afterward (and on those days where it’s so hard to get in – you’ll have to almost drag me out too!). It helps for feeling blue – and when you’ve got a cold or a related illness.
I’m not really a bath person; much more a shower person. But now I have also started taking baths at night just to soak for a few minutes in special salts. It helps relax me and also helps me sleep better (a night shower will help me sleep better too).
Hope that helps someone.
I was there, OTH, your post made me laugh out loud. Some days are really hard…. Baby steps, yes!?! 🙂
Yeah – I had a rough weekend. My emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster.
Yep – baby steps for sure. I literally have to live day to day.
Been there! Just putting one foot in front of the other is difficult at first. I promise it gets better. That constant punched in the gut feeling will go away. It’s been almost 6 months for me and I’m much better. Maintain little to no contact and you will be in a much better place. Hugs to you!
It’s been six weeks since the final D-Day. In that time, I have:
* gotten a raise
* gotten a promotion
* gotten a powerful new mentor at work
* had great times with my kids
* made good new friends
* had wonderful conversations with old friends
* extended my part-time side gig (teaching) for another semester
* found a beautiful condo and arranged for his parents to buy it outright for me and the kids
* made plans for decorating the condo exactly how I want it
* quit drinking
* started taking better care of my body
* dyed my hair red
* decided I don’t need a man to be happy
* decided I am way better off without that asshole
Meanwhile, the Slut is emotionally abusing him, and he’s increasingly jumpy and depressed. In the past I would have felt sorry for him. But now? Meh.
All in all, not a bad six weeks.
Hey ByeToAllThat!! You rock! Getting HIS parents to buy you n kids the condo – priceless!!
I started the year out by handling the Snowmaggen here in the midwest just fine. My driveway and sidewalks were clear, snowblower worked just fine and boys got to school just fine. 🙂 I had three large trees removed from my property, my cedar siding painting in the spring, had my gutters replaced and guards put on. Did plenty of landscaping – planted 10 smaller trees along the side of my property where the others were removed. Opened my pool by myself, closed it by myself. My stepdad (30 years in my life) died around Easter. I managed to handle all of his affairs, sell his house and belongings that needed to go, take care of the funeral arrangements and so on. My house is being purged of things I no longer need and/or want and my boys are completely on board and have asked me to sell some of their toys as well. It is a major cleansing for the boys and I, which is very positive.
XH left youngest (under10) in a car during the summer for 6 hours – I contacted the authorities. It didn’t help much because ex is law enforcement but now it is on record. I also caught him in plenty of lies as all communication is via email and threw it right back at him as he has no legs to stand one since it is documented. I am no longer taking any shit from anybody. My backbone is stronger than ever. 🙂
My boys are doing well, I am doing well, and I will never, ever live that way again.
I love hearing all these positive stories. 🙂
I’m so glad your son is okay! SIX HOURS? Thank God you reported him.
At a shooting range, nonetheless….. Because you know, the fun shooting competion comes first. And just as long as son was given the IPad, all would be okay. Never mind that he was able to wander around a fucking shooting range by himself. What a douchebag…..
Damn right, I reported him. Sadly, they will do nothing because he is law enforcement. 🙁
Yes, son was okay, but sad that he thinks that being left in a car like that is “okay”.
Hope you feel better soon Tracy.
Wow! My Styx is ex law enforcement too. I live in a small town and whenever I call the pd, someone calls him to let him know. I have no respect anymore for cops.
I used to think the Mightiest thing I did was, two days after the divorce (a mere 47 days) after XH dropped the bomb on my otherwise (so I thought) happy marriage, I discovered my 3 year old dog had a severe heart defect and needed a pacemaker to live. No vet cardiologists in Alaska (I’m a vet), so I flew her to Oregon and had a pacemaker put in. Six months later, she’s doing great.
I now realize her trauma came at an opportune time because after all the powerlessness of having XH rip my life out of my hands, with no intention of sparing so much as a backward glance, here was something I could finally DO! I could ACT and affect the outcome. And I did. And I only had the finances to do it because I’ve always lived a “save something for a rainy day” kinda life, squirreling my nuts away.
… But in hindsight, I think the Mightiest thing I did was to survive. I know we’ve all survived this, and so sometimes I have felt like a big wimp, like Why can’t I just get over this? People get cheated on and divorced all the time?? — So I don’t know if it’s my tendency toward depression, or my ACOA background, or what, but I think just showing up and going to work, and taking care of other people’s pets, and doing surgery and ultrasounds and navigating big complicated medical cases (I’m in a vet ER clinic), in hindsight, is pretty amazing. Because god knows, sometimes I felt like just a fragile shell of a human being, as if the slightest jostle would crumble me into a million tiny pieces. — And you know, sometimes it did. But only once at work, and I was good enough to save it for my lunch break, when I sobbed for an hour, then cleaned up and went right back to work.
The cumulative achievement of survival, dignity, perseverance — that’s what I feel mighty about.
I like this NWBiblio, gives me the courage to press on.
Amen NWBiblio and well said!
I thought you were mighty when you said, “I’m a vet” then became more mighty when you flew your dog to Oregon for a pacemaker. You don’t know love until you experience four legged love.
Beautifully said, NWBiblio. Having interesting work is such a blessing. I know that working at a newspaper kept me sane when I was going through infidelity. Weekly paper, looming deadlines, never any down time. I could focus solely on that. The predictable rhythms.
You must get a lot of reward out of healing people’s animals. And glad your dog is okay now!
I drive a school bus. A big one. I have 50 kids, K-5. They get a little chaotic sometimes but …
I love all my kids (high schoolers too), I love driving (always have), and love my bus.
I wish it paid more.
But it gives me the same days off as my child.
In the hill, that’s a job that I’m thinking of applying for so I can be off when my kids are. Good to know how much you like it! Gives me hope I can do it!
NWBiblio, you nailed it and managed to make me a bit emotional just reading this.
“The cumulative achievement of survival, dignity, perseverance — that’s what I feel mighty about.”
…and as you should.
NWB, you are a survivor all right! And I’m going to survive! And we’ll all survive if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. xox
NWBiblo,…wise words….. you rock.
I am a former Alaskan, left when cheater ex forced a move down to the lower 48 because he wanted to be closer to his narc family. I still miss Alaska.. especially berry picking…….both my kids were born there. Sigh!
Enjoy some northern lights for me, Girlfriend.
“I know we’ve all survived this, and so sometimes I have felt like a big wimp, like Why can’t I just get over this? People get cheated on and divorced all the time??”
People lose parents all the time, and it still hurts when we lose our own. People get cancer all the time, and it’s still awful when it happens to us or someone we love. People lose their homes all the time, and yet we would all cry if we lost ours. The presence of difficult things in other peoples’ lives does NOT negate the pain in your own life. Yours is just as real, just as valid, and just as painful. Let it be, and don’t try to bash the pain with the hammer of guilt, or the hammer of comparison. All it does is mush around the pain without getting rid of a bit of it.
SO much closer to Meh…mostly, I think I can see the exit. I love Tuesdays. I am nearly clear of the huge amount of consumer debt that was my gift from the divorce; Ex cannot even make a dent (he is a financial moron).
I have realized that I probably need elective back surgery, and I can’t sustain a house, even a teeny tiny one, so I’m going to try and get a condo where I can live with my bestest doggy friend, and not do exterior maintenance.
I started a consulting job in a new but related field, and hope to do more of it. It’s awesome to be recognized for my mad skillz. Also? I’ve jettisoned the crap parts of my career. No more museum arseholes for me! That’s huge.
I have a lovely strong bond with my lovely compassionate daughter. That’s the best thing ever.
And, am working on making peace with the fact that it’s going to take work to find a new life as a late 50’s single woman.
Hey NFV
Sorry you’ll have to have surgery – it’s never fun. Sending you best wishes for healing and that it all goes as planned.
I have three kids, two olders, boy and girl and one younger, girl. Older girl had a totally mixed up, gaslighted, manipulated teenagehood and still suffers from those effects at 30 due to conniving XH and me not understanding what the hell what was going on. (suffering from eternal guilt from this one) XH left while youngest was in 8th grade wanted no custody other than showing up when he felt like it. Younger daughter, calm, rational, happy, Valedictorian 🙂 Loves her mother… That is the best… older son… “Mom, you know dad is barely a functional human being..,” If they need anything, or moral support, or to know that come what may, their mother has their back, the I am Mighty… I am MOM.
Other stuff… My house looked like the Clampets lived there when XH left. I have painted, made gates, made storage area, cleaned up, made hanging bed from a tree, and now am making one kick ass gigantic cob bread oven. Learned to scuba dive… Went to Thailand and scuba dubbad and Bermuda twice…Found out how many wonderful people are in my life and how nice it is to spend time with them and be a good person to them.
Purging the garage is next, cant blame all of the garage on XH but he gets 50%. Can’t decide flame thrower or skip loader for this job. Be mighty, remember to breath and be in the present moment.
Oh yes… no shame… shame is how they control you. Makes you fearful. You are MIGHTY.
I started singing in the shower again. It actually shocked me when it happened – but I didn’t want to question it. Maybe next time I can add a little jig.
🙂
The smokescreen lies used to harm me via MCs and my cheating ex now over 2 years ago were that I was “female dependent” and wouldn’t support a family allowing my own child to starve rather than work (even though we never had a child and were doing fine financially).
While the cheating and lying continued, I completed a unit of clinical pastoral education at a Trauma One center including overnights. Completed my extensive application for a residency program back in my home state and flew out there to interview. Came back to discover my ex was sexually active with the OM and confronted her about it in a public setting. She lied. I got the residency job. I sold the big furniture, packed up the condo, loaded up my few remaining belongings into my Civic, and drove literally halfway across the country. Got divorced. Completed my residency. Got Board Certified as a Chaplain. Applied for various jobs and had to decide between two offers. Chose my current position and am being paid/treated as a professional. Got remarried and became a father to my wife’s daughter (now my daughter) who adores me. Launched divorceminister.com for adultery survivors and their supporters. Over 11,000 unique individuals have visited it from over 95 different countries around the globe in less than 6 months of existence!
2014 was a great year. PTL! Looking forward to even better one in 2015!!!
Thank you SOOOO much for starting divorceminister.com. It has helped me move forward. My ex used religion to justify his behavior (he apparently forgot the 10 Commandments). Then I heard the harping from my church about the sins of divorce and forgiveness. If they only knew…
Anyway, thanks for pointing out the biblical reasons FOR divorce!
For all of this, you are definitely mighty!
I completely agree with chjrn. Thank you DM!
Way to go DM! Helping others to get to “meh” is the one of the best ways to get to “meh” yourself. All the best to you and your ministry in 2015! (Great site by the way!)
Congrats DM! Those are awesome stats for a newbie! Wow! Just demonstrates that there is a very real need for your message.
Thanks, CL! And thank you for your support of the blog…it’s helped traffic a lot taping into CN here. As you say, it is both gratifying and sad that it is so needed. My next foray is to see if I can get published in a well-known online Christian magazine…I am sure it will impact many and probably bring out more trolls as well.
When that happens, be sure and let the CN know with the link. You have our support!
DM, and you had to fight to keep your collar (so to speak)! And yes, thanks for Divorce Minister.
I’m not sure I feel mighty but I’ve certainly done some mighty things.
1. Finally realized cheater will never change and quit playing the pick me dance!
2. Successfully navigated mediation with the help of my attorney despite cheater and his attorney’s intimidation and manipulative tactics. Of course, I wish a few things had turned out differently but overall, I’m good. His intimidation turned out to be a bunch of BS.
3. I continue to pack his shit up as I clean out the house so it can be sold later this year. I love that house but when my daughter leaves for college this fall, it will be too much for just me and have too many memories.
4. Painted my bedroom and am planning to paint my bathroom soon. Just freshening things up before it goes on the market.
5. I’m working through our agreement to convert everything between he and I. Of course,he just sits back and does nothing as usual which is the biggest reason for me to make sure everything is separated.
6. Thwarted a manipulation attempt by him over Christmas to reduce his child support payment. What a jerk narc – just thought he could make that decision on his own despite our legal agreement.
7. I’m seeing a counselor for me. I need to clear my head from the many years of lies, deceit and manipulation and break my codependent habits.
8. Divorce will be finalized at some point in 2015. Once the house is sold, I should be relatively free of him except of course where our daughter is concerned. I worry endlessly about the impact of all of this on her and the lies and manipulation he continues to play with her. I know it’s not mine to fix though. She knows the majority of the truth so I hope that she sees him for what he is. He’s her dad so I want them to have a relationship but I hope she will be cautious with him.
The upcoming year will need to be full of mightiness for me too.
Thank you CL and thank you Chump Nation for sharing your stories and advice. It has truly been helpful to me.
Wow, there are some MIGHTY chumps here! These stories are filled with such strength, courage and humor!
Many of you are far mightier than I am, but here is what I am proud of:
It has been five years since Dday, and nearly three years since divorce. Since then, I have:
Stayed in my cute apartment with my son. My place is so cozy, I have a balcony filled with potted flowers, we are very happy here.
Started a new career as a freelance writer. It’s a struggle, but last year I wrote for several big clients, including Walmart, Novartis, Electrolux and Red Stamp.
Started dating again. I’ve been with Nice Guy for 15 months now. Still having fun.
Went to a glass blowing class with a friend, and learned how to blow glass cups. Tried all sorts of other things for the first time.
Dealt with elderly mother’s very major surgery and difficult recovery. Still spending a great deal of time and energy coping with her physical and mental illness.
Saw ex for the first time in three years, at court where he had his support lowered by 2/3. I was absolutely sick with dread over that court date, could barely sleep beforehand. But as I sat there in the waiting room, I looked over at him and all I could think was that he is a total loser.
I know 2015 is going to be a great year.
Glad, you are always an inspiration,
I related to you the most when I first found CL roughly 10 months ago. And you have again. In the next few months or family home of 15 years will be sold and the kids and I will find a new place. your post has reminded me that on the list of requirement for the new home has to be a space where I can set up my lamp working so I can go back to making glass beads.
Thank you.
Wow, mightiness and kindred spirits. Youngest graduated University in June. A huge accomplishment. That is now two of three! My kids are struggling now, all young adults barely making ends meet, but are finally beginning to see that Cheater sucks. My kids and I spent Christmas together in L.A. This year’s resolutions center around pulling those big girl (and big boy) panties up! I have moved out of my temporary home, a small fifth wheel, leaky roof and all, have sold it and given the money to charity, and have moved my son and I into an old vacant single wide trailer on the property. My son and I have stripped it, painted all the dark paneling white, installed wood laminate flooring, and are slowly making it our home. I see a kitten in our near future. I am pushing hard to get my son to complete his last semester of college (all the while his father continues to play mindfuck games which is so his MO). So we struggle at times…. I am however pursuing full time work. Lots of final interviews, but haven’t secured a second position in my field, so a little more discouraged. I try to move forward though, recognizing that perhaps it is not where I am supposed to be. I am learning to ask for help. Alimony ends this year so I believe we will be much better off once my toxic ex is well and truly gone from our lives. This year I plan to do more volunteer work, to meet others who have the same set of values, to broaden my circle of friends.
All of you guys are mighty!
Here’s my mighty:
Since D-day 5 years ago, I have:
removed the gender neutral wallpaper and painted my master bathroom a girly lavender
adopted 3 dogs and a cat from the animal shelter
sleep with said dogs and cats, just because I can
bought a new TV and installed it by myself
fixed my dryer
refinanced the house by myself
bought myself a new car, what I wanted, by myself (a bright red Jeep!)
learned to kayak
took my kids camping
rafted two different rivers
hiked part of the Applachian trail
learned to fly fish
continue to be MIGHTY!
working on the Meh, it is getting there, it is hard when they constantly screw with the kids.
It really is hard to get to Meh when they constantly screw with the kids, and you can’t go completely NC because of the kids.
Five months after D-day I have:
* paid off a $12,000 capital improvement fee on my condo unit, due just two weeks after fucktard moved out
* bought a yearly subscription to the live theatre across the street from me
* made a coffee table out of an old butter box (fucktard took the coffee table)
* went totally NC with fucktard after he paid me the last of the money owing
* kept off the 20 pounds I lost on the infidelity diet
But that’s nothing compared with what many of you have done. You are all so mighty!
I’m new here and don’t know that I belong here because I have no proof of a physical affair but he abandoned us and behaves like all of your cheaters, so I think he is a cheater too (and he definitely had an emotional affair). I feel like I belong here and my husband left 5 months ago so I need a lot of support. Anyway, my mightiness list:
1. Have been going to an amazing counselor regularly. The best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
2. Hired a lawyer. He’s got my back for sure!
3. Read a ton of books about narcissism and Dr. Simon’s book. Helped me see my husband for who he really is and helped me to trust that he sucks.
4. Started reading Chump Lady and Divorce Minister regularly which has greatly empowered me.
5. Had all the locks changed on the house.
6. Changed all the garage door openers and codes by myself.
7. My two sons continue to thrive (11 and 14 years old) with straight A’s and active involvement in church and helping others.
8. We start fostering a dog tomorrow.
9. Flew to be with my family for Christmas. I am terrified of flying but had no problems at all. Time with my family was immensely therapeutic for me and my boys.
10. I got my husband kicked out of the elders group at church.
11. I’ve maintained very low contact with my husband for several months.
12. I’ve kept my job and haven’t had a complete meltdown there.
13. Working with a team on creating a new charter school for my community! They have chose me to be the director/principal!
14. Planning a wine “party” with my friends to pack up my husband’s crap and dump it in the front yard.
15. I’ve started on baby steps towards “meh” and just feel happier.
16. My 11 year old and I put up a real Christmas tree all by ourselves.
17. Found my husband’s credit report online and found out he’s been secretly financially abusive as well as emotionally. Yep, he really does suck.
18. Decided I had nothing to be ashamed of and reached out to all of my friends and family for help and have been rewarded with amazing support- even from friends I haven’t seen in years. (I’ve also lost a few friends with this but that’s OK- they weren’t true friends anyway.)
19. Started grilling some of our meals. Turns out it’s pretty easy.
20. Went to my doctor and told him what I was going through and I asked him to help keep me healthy for me and my kids. He’s been great too.
21. Continue to pray and trust God.
Wow! 21 points of mightiness!! I had no idea I would come up with that many. Congrats to all of you on your mightiness too!
You ARE MIGHTY! Congratulations!
Amen to that, chjrn. Way to go, Nicole S!
That’s BrokenHearted believer to you DM! 😉 LOL! Thanks! You have definitely inspired me!
Oh yes, you do belong here! Welcome!
Also, about the grilling? “Turns out it’s pretty easy?” I get that. For years my husband convinced me that I couldn’t cook, fix things around the house, understand the finances, etc. Turns out not only are all those things relatively easy, I do them as well or better than he did. I suspect this will be true for you too.
Thanks for the welcome BTAT! My husband had me convinced only he could grill. Whatever! I made a pretty mean steak this weekend. The great thing for me is that we no longer have to eat the same 7 meals that the picky cheater would eat. (It was all about him all the time.) It’s so nice to try a bunch of new recipes. Good for you for finding out you are better than him at many things. I think that is just another form of manipulation and control to convince us we can’t live with out them and then in the end they leave. Disordered jerks!!!
Enjoy all the variety in cooking you can, Nicole S.! I’ve discovered so much more foods/recipes that I like and the kids like since X has been gone and we haven’t been limited by what he will eat (like you said, about 7 things, and yet he’d claim he’s so easy to cook for.)
My husband claimed the same thing. My new favorite is Thai food. Yum!
Nicole S., many of us had cheaters who had an emotional affair, and we consider it akin to a physical affair, so you belong here as much as us. Mine left me for another woman; I’d say that’s cheating. Anyway, your 21 points of mightiness are amazing! Can I come to your wine party (point 14)? Maybe turn it into a “whine” party? 🙂
Thank you for validating my feelings Karma! Absolutely on the wine party. The more the merrier. I have no doubt it will turn into a “whine” party! Ha!
My daughter says I grill way better than cheater. Makes me feel really good. I know he was always distracted by whatever was on TV or by the many women he was juggling via text.
In 2014 I divorced my cheating ExH after 26 years of marriage.
I moved out of my marital home (took a payout instead of keeping it) and into The Cutest Rental House ever. I love it. I have never lived alone before but it’s working out just fine.
Here’s the Total Game Changer: in my new life I am enough. I AM ENOUGH. I never felt that way when I was married to my NPD ex, but now that he’s out of the picture I realize that to my friends, co-workers, family I really am enough. I recently turned 50, but I feel younger than ever.
So in 2015: I’m alive again. And I am enough. Can’t wait to see what this year brings.
Strad, I love this! “I am enough.” I think for many of us we knew this about ourselves but marriage with the disordered just covered up our sunshine.
I fixed my kitchen sink. I’m taking singing lessons and will sing two songs in the recital in the spring.
Chumpion…..Cant say I would be as brave….I am in awe of of MEH ness.
Cant say I would have shown the same restraint…and would have pointed them in the direction of the beer and wine…said something like…’ Guess you got a permanent designated driver now! “
I love these stories. You’re all so inspirational, and it’s great to be part of a community that gets that there are times when brushing your teeth and getting some food into your system is a major accomplishment. Seriously — kudos to you all. You all give me the warm fuzzies. 🙂
Here’s my mighty list:
1. I’ve been working on a few writing projects, including my blog, a comedy screenplay, and some comedy sketches for a local improv club. I found that I LOVE writing scenes and seeing them acted out onstage or read by good actors and comedians. It’s satisfying on so many levels.
2. Got onstage recently to do a staged reading of a friend’s comedy sketch. I’m no Meryl Streep, but that was a lot of fun. I’d like to keep doing that and get better at it.
3. Got divorced this year. Facing that took strength I didn’t know I had. I feel better having that turmoil in my rear-view mirror. Free to do what I want with my life. Divorce sucks, but being divorced ain’t half bad. It’s infinitely better than being married to a crazy person.
4. I don’t know if I’m totally out of the woods as far as emotional healing, but I’m proud to say that I did not go postal during the last few harrowing years. Or, I should say: I did not publicly go postal. Internally, I was a deranged hair-pulling harridan in a postal uniform. But, from the beginning, I felt like I would be damned if I played into the “LilyBart is crazy” storyline. Nuh-uh. Nope. I’ll be up here on the high road, enjoying the view. I EARNED this view.
Best to everyone. Keep being mighty.
-LilyBart
LilyBart, I’d like to see a “a deranged hair-pulling harridan in a postal uniform” in a comedy sketch. You are mighty!
2015 is YOUR year, LilyBart! xox
but I am small and week and very bitter….work in progress.
I’m not feeling very mighty these days, but I refuse to sink.
Some days, ChutesandLadders, that’s all we get–not sinking.
Hang in there, 10…9…8….7… to better.
“I refuse to sink.” Sounds like the definition of mighty to me.
Being unsinkable and being mighty — same thing, Chutes. We award you the distinction of MIGHTY. You belong here, sorry! 🙂
Back to work Monday… Got laid off today. Paid my last dollar to fix my car. Going to the one and only court appearance Wednesday. Don’t know how I will pay by bills, feed my boys or much else. I almost thought I was in a better place… Yeah right.
Oh ouch! Hugs and prayers for answers to you.
ChumpDad, that’s really rough. Wishing you strength. You are mighty and you’ll get through this.
Hang in there, ChumpDad!
Ugh. I’ve been there, ChumpDad. It’s stressful on so many levels, but you will eventually land on your feet. Take care of yourself.
ChumpDad, my heart goes out to you – so sorry this happened to you today. Stay strong even though I know it’s not easy.
Hang in there, Chump Dad. I’m sorry that SUCKS. Fwiw, my husband is an employment lawyer and he sees horrible cases of illegal firing and workplace injury every day. People usually get back on their feet within 6 months or less. Very scary, but it can and will be overcome. (((Hugs))) for strength.
So sorry, ChumpDad. That’s a lot to deal with. Hang in there, though, it WILL pass and things will get better.
Hand in there Chump Dad…..I’m here to tell you that when one door closes….another door opens. Honest…
I was 57 when the hospital I worked for laid me off after almost 11 years. I was a hospital nurse, an LPN working in Post Partum and the Newborn Nursery. Our hospital wanted an all RN certification so it was bye bye to me and the few remaining LPNs. I took the severance package and the unemployment and paid off all my debts and started job hunting. Piece of cake….right? Nope….found out very quickly that my experience mattered little. Could not find a job anywhere. Wrong kind of experience, and after 25 years as a nurse no one was even willing to interview me. I tried for two years. Tons of resumes out there. Finally figured out it was my age and experience………
Well I was literally down ton my last 5 dollars when I answered an obscure little ad in the local penny press for a volunteer job working as a senior companion. It paid mileage and a small stipend…..but wonder of wonders…….. I made enough to support myself.. What’s more I found myself absolutely loving the job, and my ladies I get to visit every week. What is even better….no more working every other holiday, every other weekend, being forced to work ANOTHER 8 hours if the hospital could not get enough nurses for the next shift, or forced to stay home when there weren’t enough patients to justify the number of nurses scheduled and having to use sick time or vacation time if I wanted to get paid. A big plus Is I no longer have people treating me like an idiot because I didn’t go to RN school. I did exactly the same job at 1/2 the pay….so no I’m not stupid….just could not afford to go back to school..
To make a long story short….I’m much happier these days. My needs are covered and I can continue to give back.
Chump Dad …do the footwork….send out those resumes, network, do the best you can to find another job. Let others help you, and be a willing receiver. After you have done everything you can…..turn it all over to Spirit/God/Goddess and let go of it….the whole shebang. When you do the footwork, you lay the matrix for a miracle, when you turn it over….you get out of the way for Spirit to bring that miracle into your life. You and your boys will be taken care of….I just know it……..meanwhile I will be praying for you……
“Finally found out it was my age and experience”. Me too. I kept wondering why they kept me on contract for three to four months at a time to do some pretty serious work at low pay (my superb experience) but kept hiring the younguns for the permanent jobs and better pay instead of me (my age), and then I realised the people who hired me were sucking the life out of me like my stbx. Goodbye and NC to them too! I couldn’t get another job if I paid for it but then I moved overseas and lo and behold, a job landed in my lap. Unexpected, cool, and still wonderful!
I got a power drill for Christmas (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) and installed a canopy over my daughter’s bed in her room. I will now be taking care of other small projects around the house that I would have previously thought my then-husband should do. I’m not leaping tall buildings in a single bound, but I will be putting up new curtain hardware soon!
Hooray for mightiness! 🙂
Tempest….keep on swimming!
Thanks, TheClip—not only swimming, but working toward the Sychronized Swimming event in the Olympics so I can wear a bathing cap with plastic flowers on it! (JK)
CRAP CRAP CRAP…I am so sorry ChumpDad. I have been there. My thoughts are with you today.
*I refinanced my house all by myself and got Cheaterpants name off of it and a house payment I can afford. I had all new interior doors installed this past summer and I’m having new flooring put in this spring.
*Bought a new vehicle all by myself for the first time ever.
*I’m doing fantastic at my job and just got a stellar review on my annual job performance.
*Met some interesting men.
*Had professional pictures taken of me and they turned out fantastic!
This year I’m going to lose more weight and be the best I can be!!!
I also believe that Cheaterpants XH now misses me terribly and found that the grass wasn’t really greener. But since I’ve reached the wonderful land of Meh I don’t care. Ha! I wouldn’t have dreamt in a million years that I’d ever say that.
I love reading your mighty stories Chumps!!! You are such an inspiration!
Syringa, you have reached the chump trifecta: Meh, mightiness, and karma. Brava!
Syringa, celebrating your home ownership (I lost mine…que sera, sera) and new vehicle! Which omeans it will run for a good six years lol! And for those Chumps who are struggling…one of these days you will look back and know you were Mighty. And hard days aren’t all bad, just use those resources! It is the journey, not the destination that defines us.
Wow, everybody! This is so needed! I was having a bit of a post holiday bumathon and reading all your accomplishments puts me back in the right frame of mind.
My D-Day was in early June 2014,and ex moved out at the end of June to a crappy apartment. I also had my stepdaughter just ripped away from us for no reason at all. Ex just thought it was important to begin ramming ho-worker and her kids down her throat right away as if we no longer existed, She suffered a lot. The whole affair was short lived and I am relieved to say ex did not try to reconcile. The whole episode has been a blundering disaster for him at home and work, and he’s now struggling to keep his car and job and apartment.
I feel like I was mighty because I handled my heartbreak with dignity. I let Ex and Ho humiliate themselves without escalating drama. I went to IC when he wouldn’t go to MC. but I insisted he GTFO of my house with only what he brought. I insisted he pay for the entire dissolution, and I was No Contact for anything absolutely unneccesary.
I got up and went to work every day, and without his gaslighting and criticisms, my career started to take off again. Each time I would be asked to take on a high profile project, I’d hear his voice putting me down, and I finally began to question the truth- if I was so terrible, rude, coarse, inappropriate, why was I being asked to meet clients and do contract negotiations by my firm when his firm has him tucked in a cubicle by an elevator only talking on the phone to clients? I began to see what a mediocre, jealous narc he really was.
I’ve taken great care of my kids and my home without him. I got a year end bonus to use for Christmas gifts, and remodeled all the rooms that were empty and sad when he left. I’ve done, plumbing, carpentry and painting, and we get lots of oohs and ahhs when guests see all we’ve done for so little money.
I’ve been asked out twice, and I’m proud to say that upon first sight of narc behavior from both I dropped the mic and walked away. For the first time in my life, I could really care less if someone isn’t right for me, they are gone.
I’ve lost 50 pounds and have 40 more to go. But I don’t feel like I have to be thin to be worthy. It may not be mighty, but he didn’t break me. The little smirk he had on his face when he thought he’d ruined me when all I ever did was be kind and generous to him is gone now. I think he’s the one wondering how he’ll get to next pay period, wondering how he’ll live alone.
I like my own company now. In my own ordinary way, I am happy.
Luz, great to hear from you! Was wondering how you were doing. You said, “I like my own company now.” Girl, you should START your own company. You’d be an awesome entrepreneur.
Thank you, KE! I like being a worker bee. I’m In a great company (11 years) that I love, and I love all the freedom and flexibility I have. I work from home, I travel, too. Sometimes I’m working in yoga pants and sometimes suits, it’s such a great position for a single mom. Working from home also gives me the ability to help other single moms (at least two other new chumps I know in my neighborhood) when there is a snow day or someone needs a ride. Last year was a terrible ride but I realize I’m still truly blessed.
Now, if work wants to give me another 10K to be a manager again, I’d definitely consider it!
Love this, Luziana. Isn’t it amazing how much you can accomplish when you’ve removed the source of negativity?
Awesome Luz!
Glad he is banished from your life AND from your head. You’re mighty.
Thank you. Without all the Chumps’ support and good advice, I might still be in pain, paralyzed, and pining for him.
Sorry to hear ChumpDad!! Right after Dday I lost my job too and thought I would die from it all but it does it get better. Honest it does! Prayers for you!! And hugs ((())))
I never felt mighty during my marriage. Exh spent 34 years of my life telling me how mighty he was and that I couldn’t survive without him.
Well, Mr Narissistic vampire it has been almost 4 years since I discovered your affair, 10 months since our divorce and your marriage to coworker.You emotionally and physically abused me to manipulate me into believing your illusion of superiority and I can say “I see you”.
You are a coward. You are a parasite. You are the one who can’t survive alone. You needed me to hold you up so you could suck off of my mightiness. I am eternally grateful to God that you picked your adulteress coworker to replace me!
It has been a very hard path to walk. I lost my job because of PTSD, I did the pick me dance for two years, my family fell apart–two of my three adult children avoided me. I didn’t know who to believe in, I was lost, adrift and pertrified– my base was gone. I screamed hysterically into my pillow every night, vomited and could hardly eat for months. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I literally wanted to die to relieve the pain. My turning point was reading Viktor E. Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Within these pages I found the spark of truth to continue, within myself. I slowly began to create my authentic life gently for myself, one minute at a time.
And here I am by the grace of God and my hard work! I can truly say I am jubilantly happy now because this is who I was meant to be, even when disappointments occur because I have faith in myself to be able to deal with them–even when I make mistakes, make a mess of things, even when I am afraid, I know I will be alright.
I have done more in the last two years than my entire married life! I am so mighty! I have hooked up my computer and blu-ray, found solutions online for printer problems ( c’mon, I am over 50 here!…lol) I have hiked and camped alone. I have bicycled around islands, joined meet ups, gone on wine-tasting trips, flown the friendly skies! I have created authentic friendships, repaired family bonds. I am an authentic person with an authentic life. I love myself, I love my life whereever it takes me. I am not afraid of the unknown anymore, I embrace it! Oh and I got a new job!!!! Can’t wait to live authentically all through 2015, its gonna be great I can feel it!
Thank you for making it through my very long post! You are mighty too!
I am now where you were, Overcomer; lost, adrift, not knowing whether to go left or right and ready to give up and sink. What a horrible experience this is.
Pupsticle, I’m sorry to hear you’re adrift. I know this sounds simplistic, but I survived just by making it thorough each day. When I got to 9 p.m., I’d start to get ready for bed, and know that tomorrow was another day. A whole bunch of bedtimes later, I’m starting to see a clearer path. Please don’t give up and sink. Just tread water for a while and you’ll eventually be swimming. CN is your life preserver.
Overcomer, you are mighty! An authentic life indeed!
Pupsticle,
It will get better, I promise. You are in the early stages, so you may not think you notice any difference day to day right now, but you will get beyond this. You will. I didn’t think I could, either, just 7 months ago, and things have already gotten so much better for me. I am not 100% healed, but I am in no way the broken person I was 7 months ago, either. You just have to hang in there (moment by moment if that’s what it takes), pray, hang out on this site for company and advice, seek help if you need it. Please have faith that you will pass through this fire. The members of Chump Nation are all standing behind you!
Pupsticle…it literally took me YEARS to get well. Much longer than most because I had to continue to see my XH almost daily. It was horrible and I honestly thought I would die and never get better. I cried every single day for 16 long heartbreaking months. I lost my job. My daughter quit talking to me. People got sick of me and my pain. I drank too much. I cried too much. I didn’t sleep right or eat right. It was the worst time ever. But somehow god willing I got to Meh thanks to this fantastic site that Chump Lady has created and all the brilliant, funny chumps that have helped me. It takes it what it takes. Don’t despair! You will find your Meh too.
Pupsticle,
Agreed. I acutely remember how heavy and oppressive the pain and hopelessness was. There were many days I willed through minute by minute, and lay awake feeling rest would never come again. I started below zero, repeating in my own head very simple things like,”I deserve my space in this world” or “I am good.”
The peace came just a few minutes at a time at first. It felt just like the breaks between labor contractions. Like the absence of pain as a welcome pleasure. Then as I kept moving and functioning, the peace extended to whole hours and days. I surrounded myself with people who actually liked me and didn’t put me down.
It’s a process you can’t force, and the grief is real. Comfort will be yours again,
Your second paragraph captures how I felt when maybe 6 weeks post-dday, I suddenly realized I had forgotten the pain for a few minutes. I had been reading, and I don’t know if it was 5 minutes or 45 because I got absorbed. But soon as I realized what had happened I wept because I remember, if only for a few minutes, what it felt like not to feel the searing, devastating pain. And then there were more moments of peace and then hours, and later on days. It really does get better eventually, with time.
Pusticle, sorry for your pain. We were all there at the beginning…but somehow you will find your path once you understand how you can´t waste another minute suffering for someone who disrespects you, and sorry to tell you this, but doesn´t love you. Just remember that s/he who laughs last, laughs best. You need to congratulate yourself everyday just for getting out of bed and doing anything! At some point you will begin to be thankful that the cheater is out of your life. I wouldn´t have said this a year ago, but I cried everyday for ten months and tried to believe in the good life and used the anger to turn my life around. Now it is all beginning to pay off and I know 2015 will bring rewards to everyone on this blog because we have all entered into consciousness of our worth and how to live our lives the best way possible. You will to…I promise. Hang in there…Hugs…
Pupsticle do not let this horrible experience define who you are sweetheart. You might not have the capacity to see this right now but everyone here at CN sees your worth, your mightiness and is reflecting it back to you. You were mighty enough to look for help and found this site. You were mighty and brave enough to comment and let everyone here know your pain, that takes bravery. Inside of you there is your authentic self reaching for hope, growing through the pain to survive. She is your friend, your confidante, she believes in you when no one else is there. Give her room in your heart to be there and love her when she fails. She is you and she is mighty.
I know it is so hard right now. Be patient with yourself. There are many stages of grief. Don’t resist, it is like the ocean. The pain will flow away and then crash against you like the waves and you will have to let go of many things to keep your balance but it will be okay. You may think you are loosing but that isn’t the case, you are gaining — your authentic self is being forged as you read this. Let it happen.
Come here often, you will get new perspectives, wonderful information and be in the presence of mighty people who really care how you feel and will help you with good advice. Remember, I am no different than you, except I have had more time to process this horrible experience. You to will survive and thrive, you will be happy again. ((((Big Hugs!!!)))) You are mighty!!!
Beautifully written, overcomer! I wish to hell I’d known words like this were available to me when I was at my deepest depths .As best I know, I wasn’t cheated on by my cerebral narcissist husband (maybe I was–no proof) but his discarding me after 24 yrs of a horrible marriage hurt terribly and left me suicidal. I finally was finding myself again and a full yr after my divorce was finalized, I ventured onto a dating site. My very first relationship was with cheating, entitled narcissist–a true gigolo. Sheesh!! Can we say ‘trust issues’???
I just found this site about a week ago. So much power to be found in everyone’s words, no matter whether they are expressing their extreme pain, trying to find humor in the fucktard’s selfish deceit or their mighty accomplishments!
Whaddaya know, a flower has bloomed and she loves who she is…
Cheer’s to those who have bloomed and those who are in the process.
Cheers…..oh brother.
You are the mightiest of mighties. I can’t wait to live authentically this year too. Going to be a blast. AND I am doing just fine on my own… him, has his old AP. Lucky girl, she has NO idea of what she is getting herself into. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Standing on their own two feet, and ringing on their own bells.
Eighteen years ago, my first husband died in a motor bike accident, I found a mightiness i never knew I had. My children were young so I stayed strong for them. I joined a sporting team, took up sailing, did a university degree. I married my second husband nine years after the death of my first. My D Day with my second husband was in September, at the moment I am just trying to reclaim that mightiness I know I possess. It’s hard, but I am not going to let a worthless cheating husband destroy my life. It is my birthday today, so I woke up this morning telling myself what a wonderful year this is going to be.
AlexInAus, you’ve been through absolute hell. I can’t believe how mighty you are. Sending you hugs and wishing you a happy birthday from this frigid corner of the Commonwealth.
Happy birthday AlexinAus! Damn straight it’s going to be a wonderful year.
Happy birthday, AlexinAus! May this year bring you peace and beautiful experiences that surprise you and help the past bad experiences fade into the rear-view mirrow.
Alex, happy belated birthday. We’re in this with you. xox
Thanks, I will be forever grateful I found this site. It has been a sanity saver.
I know 2015 will be awesome for all of us! I was so excited on the 31 December that the year was finally over. My Dday anniversary will be in a week but in this past year I have
-kicked him out of our home and remodeled all of the bedrooms for my kids and me
-managed to get him to agree on a divorce settlement that is best for me
-notched up my career and realized that I don´t owe him any of my professional achievements (as he liked to claim)
-have been invited to many professional events, more than I can handle
-have money come to me when I need it the most
-created a support group with two other women to study “love” and ourselves, so we can avoid cheaters and narcs in the future, awesome things have happened to all of us!
-though I can´t go completely NC yet because of kids and cheater still trying to control his image, all of our oral and visual contact has confirmed many times that I am so much better without him and that karma has hit him physically, financially and emotionally. I thank his OW everyday for taking on this mean, egoistic person for her poor, idiotic self and giving me such an awesome new life. Who would have thought that the OW enemy would have given me the best gift of all!
I finished my doctorate, got a tenure-track job in my field in a great new city… and, as of New Year’s day, I am engaged to a wonderful man who is the true love of my life.
Believe in the power of no contact and put yourself on your feet by being kind to yourself and learning more about who you are without these cheating losers. It’s scary– but it is true that it gets SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
Trying to move forward in the nearly three years since D-Day. I am grateful for these opportunities:
I was hired for a position teaching K-5 elementary music at a charter school where they don’t care that I’m not certified and I don’t have a degree in music (I have taught private piano and early childhood music for over 20 years). This is from the Lord! I did not go looking for this – it literally dropped into my lap! It’s inspired me to continue to learn and grow
– Joined the Orff-Shulwerk Association for music teachers
– My piano studio is thriving! – 35 students and growing!
– Signed up for Adult Crew (rowing) classes last summer and hope to do a race next year
– started taking flute lessons from a former piano student
– Plan to start making soap, (got all the stuff I need, now I just need the courage and hope I don’t burn my arm off or go blind while handling the lye!)
– Got a refinance for the duplex we owned together for years, borrowing enough to buy the f #4&-ard out. Pay an extra amount on the principle, so the 30 year mortgage may become a 20 year – savings lots of interest.
– bought a new furnace
– bought a new refrigerator, dryer, kitchen set for us, and a new dishwasher for my tenant.
– Established a budget, so that all of the above were purchased for CASH! (Dave Ramsey, he’s my man!)
– Financed the EFC for my daughter’s four years at college
– Bought daughter a “new” old car – 96 Toyota corolla (CASH)
– Signed up for a Meetup group – drumming circle.
– Reconnected with old friends
– Learned how to box and joined ILoveKickboxing!
– Adopted a cat – our new family member! My 22 daughter who is NC with the wasband asked at Christmas, “What did we do before we had a cat?” Without missing a beat, I said, “We had your father.”
Lol! Here kitty, kitty! PianoMom love your story. Crew! Soap! And Corollas rock! As does unconditional love from kitties!
StayPuft, congrats on your engagement!
If I could “like” these comments , I would (with the major exceptions of ones like ChumpDad–ow ow ow, that is really awful…but, knowing you, it will improve. It will.)
So I’ll just take a moment to LIKE the whole damned thread. Thank you all for your inspiring mightiness.
I have:
– gotten divorced with a good settlement
– remained as NC as possible (kids, so gotta talk occasionally)
– grown my business
– installed a new toilet
– chopped down a tree
– painting my whole house (doing it right now)
– created and installed a new fireplace surround
– gone to therapy
– spent time with friends
– in an exclusive relationship
– have started reading again (and not just about infidelity!)
– replaced all the smoke detectors
– received great reviews from my clients
– kids don’t fight all the time anymore!!!!!!
– maintain a relationship with his family (they pick me)
– re-stained my deck
– put down a new walkway
– gone back to the gym
Wow! It looks good on paper. It’s been hard, but I am so much happier than I could have imagined after D-Day. The new motto is “Strive til You Thrive”. Trying to stay on the road to Meh, avoiding the exits and rest stops.
I finally filed for divorce myself instead of doing the typical pick me dance. At the time it made me feel sick however it was a mighty huge step toward freedom. I set boundaries to ensure he couldn’t come into my home. I lost 42 pounds and worked out every day. To keep the weight off I walk to work. I bought an empty bird cage ornament and hung it in my window to remind myself that I am FREE!!! I forgave myself for tolerating a narc ,
I love your birdcage idea! I’m working on forgiving myself as well.
I don’t feel I’ve done as well as some of you, but, I fixed the bathtub all by myself, I’m managing to pay my rent, I never paid a bill in 29 yrs, he did everything! I’m behind on my phone but, like I said, rents paid! I was fired once a hundred years ago but was fired 3 times in the last year and a half, but took the last 3 months off to reflect, now I’m READY to go back to work. I’m still talking to him, MUCH less than we have been but nonetheless still have contact. BUT, I fixed the bathtub! And I trust he sucks.
OK, this may sound really weird, but the most mighty thing I’ve done lately is realize I actually love my dog. Not in a creepy way! I just mean I was able to let something in when I didn’t think I could. In the last two years I lost my dog of 14 years, cat who I had for 18, and husband that I was married to for 22 year. I of course love my children, who are eight, but that has been extremely bitter-sweet and painful lately. Almost more than I can bear, really. I feel like everything I love could be taken away from me at any moment. So when I got this danged dog for the kids, I didn’t think I would ever feel anything for it. I work in a school too, so I just thought, “That’s it, there’s nothing left for me to give at the end of the day.” Who knew! I’m going to need lots of emotional might this year, I think. It may not seem like much, but it feels like it to me.
Done Now, It’s huge!
My old dog and new cat have been lifesavers for me. I let them on the couch. Sometimes on the bed. Their company and ‘conversations’ make me so much less vulnerable for social kibbles of my own. The dog, the old man, tickles me so much with his varied expressions and the way he’ll collapse all 50 pounds into my lap and just look at me with complete loyalty and devotion. The good I do taking care of them gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps me on track. And the little kitten, saved from a shelter. Adorable. feisty, naughty, super intelligent and crafty. But when she curls up around my neck and purrs, I can feel my blood pressure going down, and all is right in the world…
Luz my kitty is almost 15 yo and has been glued to me since cheater left. She used to sleep different places at night but she chooses my bed every night now. About 930 every night she sits and stares at me as if she’s willing me to head to bed. She’s also my alarm clock in the morning – no need to set one anymore. I think she’s my caretaker…..
I’m still in the trenches, but feeling mighty. I’m 7 months out from D-Day and trying to put my mess of a life back together. D-Day came about 4 months after I quit my steady, well-paying job; 3 months after we married (after 9 years together); 1 month after I moved myself and our toddler across the country to be together; and about 10 days after I signed the paperwork to sell my house to a real estate investor. Right now, my house is gutted and the renovation/resale has stalled, I’m staying with my parents and sharing a bedroom with their cat’s litter box, and I am unemployed and broke.
And how am I mighty? I plan to leave stbx in my DUST. He stole the last year of my life from me, but now I’m back. I feel free. I see possibility where I previously only saw futility. I don’t need the validation of my career, a husband, or anything outside of myself to know that I am fucking awesome. I am tough. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am capable of anything and everything. I don’t know where life is going to take me next, but I know this: I will KICK SOME ASS.
Free Vixen, I don’t think I was aware of your story before. You really got hit by a Mack truck, didn’t you? I’m so impressed by your mightiness and ass-kicking. You go girl!
Thank you! And yes, I took a serious wallop. I may be bruised, but I’m not letting the likes of him keep me down.
Free Vixen shine on, you are brilliant!!!! You Go Girl with your Mightiness!!!!
Free Vixen you are mighty.
I look forward to seeing what unfolds for you in 2015
Free Vixen, YOU GO GIRL! Now that’s what CL is talkin’ ABOUT! You are right, we rock just being our sweet, feisty selves….
Wonderful stories of some very MIGHTY people. I am 11 months from DDay and 2 months from divorce. As I read your stories, I am looking forward to the days when I feel as mighty as some of you. The “how the the hell did this happen?” days are becoming fewer and I know I will do more mighty things in my future.
But I did:
-divorce his sorry ass
-get the best settlement possible
-pack up years of stuff and sold the house
-move into my own apartment
-fix the washer
-fix the smoke detector
-buy new things for my new “home” that I like
But the 2 things I am most proud of:
-got myself out of bed and went to work each day where no one knew except for a few good friends
-changed back to my maiden name…the ultimate FU to the cheating fucktard!!
I hope next year there will be many more things to put on my list. Looking forward to a new MIGHTY year. Thanks CN for the amazing strength!!
Way to go back to your maiden name, “Ms.” One Step at a Time!
Been out of the house more than a year; almost divorced a full year. Just as I left I transferred into a job that I had my eye on for, for a couple years. I got to lose 20 direct reports (I have none!) and I got to keep my salary
Took in our 27 year old son so I could help him with his expenses while he earned his MS in clinical social work. He takes 3 classes a week, works 24 hours a week at his internship and works another 16 hours at his part time job. He doesn’t earn much money so as long as he takes care of his car, I take care of everything else.
Figured out a problem with my car by Googling it; fixed my wireless router a couple of times after electrical storms, did a 13 mile bike ride in the worst rainy day ever to raise money for CF-raised $300.00 myself-entire event raised 250,000! Figured out how to attach a bike rack to my trunk so I could transport said bike; replaced a dvd drive in my computer after spending 2 hours on the phone with technical support.
Started to write again after a 23 year hiatus and remembered how much I loved it when I was a young adult. Wound up starting my own blog and I try to be sure I blog 3-4 times a week. It’s been very therapeutic and actually a lot of fun -even more than I thought doing itl
Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. I have never felt like this. This feels so huge. Insurmountable. I am standing on what feels like the edge of a cliff and can’t make myself take the first step. This is not normal for me. I am not usually so indecisive and afraid. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I have finally faced the reality that mfpos is not going to do the right thing and support his family. I can and I will. It’s just the whole life changer for me and the kids that is so hard. My emotions are really swinging wildly back and forth, worse than when I kicked the pornography addicted asshole cheater out. Then I was on FIRE..Lots of resolve. Now my reserves are shot. I’m just tired. And dreading the future. I’m broke (2.80 in my checking account) . Mfpos is not paying the court ordered interim support, because he lost yet another job. Sigh. And that my friends, is my marriage from hell in a nutshell. I feel TRAPPED and STUCK. Hell, I AM trapped and stuck!!!
Thanks again. I know all of you have gone through similar stuff and worse. Sorry to throw a pity party. I’m just depressed over this and in having a hard time putting on my big girl panties and getting on with it!
Don’t worry about being depressed or bothering with “big girl panties.” This shit is hard. Many of us are just white knuckling it through. The bottom line, however, is that we will come out of this, but our cheaters? They will always be (as you say) MFPOS.
xox
I hope to join the MIGHTY ones next time this thread comes up! You all are MIGHTY! My goodness what an honor to be surrounded by such wisdom and support. My reply went all the way to the bottom so, Tempest, Mrsvain, Conniered and everyone else who replied thanks!
Irish, you ARE mighty. Did you ever see or read “The Lord of the Rings”? It’s a heroic quest. The main characters go from one daunting challenge to another, each challenge crucial to their immediate survival and to defeating the Enemy. You are just still in the middle of the hero’s story. And in every story, the hero oays a price but fulfills her/his destiny. You’re in the middle but you’ve named and faced the problem and soon you will have the insight and understanding of what to do next. I will pray hard for you and Chumpdad to get some relief from the financial pressure. My money issues are different from yours and I learn every day, how to “do better the next time.”
Thank you for that LAJ, it’s just so hard right now. I did not expect this to happen. Of course none of us chumps expected this shit. I am a surgical technician by trade. But working that job is a lot of hours and being on call…with 4 children that I have custody of because of mfpos’s pornography addiction, I have no one to watch them at 3am when I get called in. So, I need a different job. My soap business is not o live on yet. Maybe in a year or so it will be. But for now it’s looking like a school bus driver job so I can be home with the kids.
Irish, can you reconfigure your home to take in an older woman who can be on site when you are called in? Or a reliable college student? Or even a single MOm chump?
I found the text messages; found ChumpLady; got a bulldog attorney; issued a subpoena to the OW; sat through her deposition feet away from STBXH and five attorneys and heard her tell explicit details of their twu wuv and plans to marry; made it through the holidays while he keeps stalling on Discovery; still working courageously toward this eventually ending.
Mighty, Seeing Daylight! I will be sending good thoughts and wishes your way.
Seeing Daylight, you are mighty indeed!
Thanks for the encouragement, Drew and Chumpanzee. Much of the time I feel completely carried by an astounding support system of friends, family, and a good therapist who help me remember what I am and am not responsible for.
Im 6 months post DDay and Im feeling better. I crying less and less everyday.
Since DDay I have…
-lost 15 pounds due to a rigid exercise routine
-I successfully finished my third semester of graduate school
– I started my Intership at an agency for the elderly.
– I have decided I want to start my braces treatment (long due).
– I moved out of my ex’s apartment and found a place with some school’s friends
– I got rid of the bed my ex and I used to share because she betrayed me on it. I also got rid of all bed linens
– started going to church again ( feel more spiritually alive)
– reconnected with some old friends and have made a few new friends
– I’m learning to forgive ( I know in CN forgiveness is not require, but it is for me. And not because my ex might deserves it, but because I DESERVE to be free of anger, resentment, and pain. Ready to move on with my life.)
– I have been no contact since one month post DDay.
– have bought myself some new clothes to enhanced my physical image+ self-esteem.
– I’m able to sleep at night without dreaming about her
– I’m smiling again
– I’m able to laugh at certain parts of the betrayal
– letting go of the Shame/ guilt for being such a chumpy chump ( especially during the pick me dance phase).
– I have high hope for my future and for 2015. Keeping my eyes on the price ( reaching 100% MEH by completing my graduate degree)
Cheers fellow chumps,
We are MIGHTY indeed.
My little mighty moment…..I have given myself permission to buy a suspended recumbent trike. (Lots of bucks!) I have an unsuspended one that I love, ….but since major surgery a couple of years ago it is too painful to ride with all the vibration. Suspension takes care of that, so my planned coast to coast trike tour is back on. Meanwhile I’m working my butt off to get the new one paid off so it will be mine all mine, and I can start training. Here’s to 2015 and a fitter, healthier, (and possibly thinner) me. Plus I will get to indulge my passion….trike touring…..Whooohooo!!!
Tessie, Woot! 🙂 I am sure I can see you going by…fast!
Mighty?
Determined not to drown emotionally.
1. Managed to get the lying POS out of the house. 13 months ago.
2. Faced D’day
3. Faced my daughter being diagnosed a month after D’day with leukaemia managed treatment, hospitalisations, and side effects while balancing other children baring in mind the effects of the separation on them. ( she still had 12 months of oral chemo but is doing well)
4. Lost my job that I loved due to needing to care for my daughter.
5. Changed churches due to their support of the cheater. And lack of support for me and the kids especially while in hospital with the youngest.
6. Cared for pets (two great dogs and an adorable kitty) Mowed lawns, fixed mower, ordered and stacked firewood, installed a cloths line in my back room to use in winter, cooked meals for those in my new church who needed them, gave my daughters girls brigade unit singing lessons, went to live football games for the first time ever.
All while keeping myself together, dealing with the STBX being NC as much as possible, filing for divorce, packing the remainder of his crap without wanting to destroy anything. Smiling while talking to him on the phone a week out from Christmas when he made demands for time with the kids on Christmas Day and when he proceeded to inform me of the holiday that he had gone and booked for them for the week that followed including getting clearance from the hospital without my knowledge. Yep I smiled as I stood my ground and denied his expectation that I would just give in to him at the last minute if he applied enough guilt and entitlement in equal measure.
Looking at this in writing explains why I was so tired in 2014. ‘Meh’ is so pretty not quite there but it looks good from here.
Oh I forgot to add I have enrolled to begin my diploma in counselling in February.
Two months after my 2 D-Day, with 2nd “love of my life”, Made through the festive season, but back to work today and back to seeing the Fucktard! Big step back as I spent last night crying and those incrediable, intense anxiety attacks came back big time, feel like I can’t breathe. I will get there, I know I will, just have to relearn how to make it through each day one tiny step at a time.
You are all so incredibly strong and give me the inspiration to get out of bed every day. Thanks to you all xxx
It has been over 5 yrs since D-day and the fog has finally lifted enough that I can look back and grasp my mightiness. About a month after leaving him I was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer, for which I now appear to be in deep remission. Not only did I go through nearly 2 yrs of treatment alone in the midst of a protracted custody dispute, I ended up switching my scientific research career to a completely new area–cancer biology (I’m a prof at a med school with a basic science lab). While finishing chemo I obtained NIH funding (rare as proverbial hen’s teeth these days) for my new research topic, then gave an invited seminar on new topic at a conference in Italy (#1 destination on the bucket list). To follow, this week I am preparing for an upcoming TedX talk in my city, then another conference symposium next month in a warm and sunny US location. Oh, and I think I may have met someone a couple months ago when I went on a 3 day backpacking trip out of state (new activity that was on the bucket list–hooray– and consistent with the old adage–he appeared when I most certainly wasn’t looking).
Thinking back all those years ago, I never could have imagined how rich my life would be without my ex. Things are not all perfect but they are stellar in some areas and good enough in others that each day is a joy to be here and to be alive. I also came to a place where I realized I am grateful to the Wifetress for pulling him away and as far out of my life as can be given that we have children and that he still enjoys trying to push my buttons. In gratitude to her, I have bequeathed her a nice sum in my will, with a copy of “So you think you’re special” and a provision that the funds be disbursed only for the purpose of retaining a family law attorney.
It’s still not quite Tuesday, but most days I’m too busy to dwell and on the ones that I’m not, it feels so close that I keep going, knowing I’m almost there…
Running Violet, it’s such an inspiration to read your words!! Congratulations on all your accomplishments-and the provision in your will! Here’s wishing that “Tuesday” finds you soon.
And, RunningViolet is my new hero.
Awesome Runn ingredients Violet! !
Typing on an iPad egads!! Running Violet .
Since D-day:
1. Visited my family (they live far away) twice (with douchebag ex, it was always “too much” to visit)
2. Moved to another state and found a really cute new place with nice neighbors
3. Made new friends
4. Started a new job and kick-started my career
5. Lost 45 pounds (and counting….)
6. Maintained no contact like a bad-ass (last text conversation May 5, 2014)
7. Had a lovely NSA 3 day romance with one of ex’s best friends who was always a better friend to me and wanted to come visit me…..and no, it wasn’t just revenge on my part-it was satisfying to acknowledge a “spark” that had always been there between us. And he lives too far away (7 hours) so no worries about a sausage hanging around (I am not ready for relationship yet)
8. Feel happier, feel healthier, and found my sense of humor again
9. Visited with dear, dear friends and colleagues this year on trips that douchebag ex would never have approved of
10. Ask myself for peace everyday and remind myself that his cheating does not define me
It’s 1 year from dday 1 almost to the minute! In the past year, I did the pick me dance while he continued to lie and cheat through counseling. I then kicked him out on dday 2 and 2 months later decided to divorce his clearly not interested in doing the work selfish ass. I lawyered up, got my separation agreement, and moved the kids and I across the country. I’ve gone nc except for the kids and I think he’s finally got it. I’ve started subbing and preparing to get my teachers license in this state and will be starting a long term sub that I hope will open the door for me at my ideal school. I’ve pulled myself out of a deep depression and am working on regaining my health which suffered severely under the Avalanche of emotional abuse. And now I’m coaching other people on physical fitness too;)
In 2015, I will file for divorce, get a great job, enjoy my kids and be healthy! I’ve learned that there is nothing I can’t do and that God is here with me every second of the day!
You’re inspirational, Briana!
Oh and I’ve gotten two glimpses at meh…they were short but inspirational!!
Still unicorn hunting. .. But I took back my maiden name and call my own shots now. He dropped OW after she ratted him out to me! He got a chunk of money and paid me back what he had borrowed. He also stopped associating with family and friends who had been encouraging his bad behavior over the years. Here is my accomplishment of the day- I was talking to the kids and mentioned something that happened when we were separated earlier. My husband growled that I couldn’t talk about anything to do with that time. I stopped him and told him that while the behaviors were his, they had become part of my life story and he has no right to tell me not to tell my story. If he doesn’t like it, well, he shouldn’t have done those things.
We will see what happens next. I am fully prepared to go either way but it will be my choice. No pick me dancing.
Thank you for your mighty stories they are a huge inspiration to me. I am 10 months post separation and now having to chug it out in the courts for a property settlement. I am scared to death that Idiot pants will introduce parenting orders for our 6 year old daughter but know I have to brave it out.
Since D-Day
Hey, mighty chumps (champs!)
Already been 2 years since DD, the bum moved out shortly after (to his 70 year old’s mother’s house, of course.)
2014 was actually a pretty good year. I’ve found a new job, which I enjoy; found new hobbies and found a good, handsome and successful man whom I’ve been dating. Made some wonderful new friends. Traveled a little. Lost 20 pounds without even trying (life with sociopath/ cheater was all about emotional eating.)
Got a new roof for my house. Volunteered 30 hours per month at my son’s school. Rearranged furniture in my house, lol. Most importantly, my son has been thriving and I’m taking all the credit for it. 2015- bring it!
I have had no contact with the ex for sixty days. I guess I surprised myself cause at one point I couldn’t see myself without him. Now that sixty days has passed, I realized that I can do sixty more!
Genstar, yeah, No Contact is really sort of a miracle. You think it can’t work, but if you really do it, it does!
Yay for you.
xox
Thanks ML xoxo ! Can’t wait to see how mighty I’ll feel when 4 months has passed 🙂
Wow! Talk about some Mighty Chumps! Woot!! This time last year I was recovering from shingles. Severe depression..hard to formulate a sentence at time. I hadn’t found Getting here was the beginning of getting out of that dark place. Found my new mantra tonight. Thought I’d share it with you.
Chumpy, I love that video and Sia. Thanks. xox
Great song! Thanks, Chumpy!
Nothing earth shattering, but yesterday I cleaned out our old CD collection from the basement. I had forgotten about her horrible taste in music. I threw out lots of Cher, Celine Dion, Bette Midler and soundtracks from a ton of crappy movies and every type of Christmas music imaginable.
Sunday I asked a very pretty girl (10 years younger than me) out to see a movie and she said yes, I’m not sure if she knows I’m into her or not but we’ll see how it goes.
Looking forward to 2015.
1. I’ve learned to live in the moment. That’s a pure result of the pain I went through before, during and after DDay. I could only get through one minute at a time and then I realized that’s really all we ever have.
2. I’ve learned that right now I need to learn to love myself, to invest in my health, my life purpose, the things that bring me joy.
3. I’ve learned who my friends are by refusing to tolerate abuse from anyone and setting boundaries.
4. I’ve learned to tell the truth about what I’m experiencing. I was in a work meeting a while back in which a bunch of people above me in the food chain more or less set me up. I pointed out that I felt set up (about how I felt, not what they were doing) and watched the whole dynamic change. And when the narcissist in that group tried to sprinkle some powdered sugar on it in a later meeting, I called her out on that and still got my extended contract.
5. I’m learning to take care of my home and better manage my money. Re-financed the house again to get mortgage in my name, bought an American muscle car that is a pure pleasure to drive and as good on gas as my old “practical” car (go figure). Getting better at both those things is a huge priority.
I finished my novel and have it nearly ready to send out. And I’m ready for the bruising reality of sending it out into the world.
6. A married male friend of mine from childhood is going through a terrible time and reached out to me. We are going to have coffee and I am going to set a firm, gentle boundary about our friendship, as he needs to figure out why he isn’t processing these huge challenges with his wife. So he is about to hear my Chump story and get an up close and personal view of how I’m out of the “fixing other peoples’ problems game”. And then we’ll see what he’s made of because we all have to walk our own walk. I can’t be his friend and his fantasy girlfriend who will transport him out of his pain. He isn’t a narcissist but he’s an example of the kind of person (like I was, in my pre-dray life) who uses relationships to self-medicate. So I’m amazed that I see it, that I don’t feel flattered, and that I can be enough of a friend to lay that out and let the chips fall where they fall. I would truly value another great friend or two in my life but I’m not the third leg in someone’s mental triangle.
7. And just in the last couple of weeks, I’ve figured out that for right now, living alone is perfect for me. I need time to write and think. I’m 16 months from the point where the jackass’s mask fell off and 13 months from DDay. I still think about him and MOW but that relationship looks like an old Polaroid photograph that has lost its color and sharpness. There’s a guy I met in my day-to-day life who has started an email conversation with me and while it’s a nice thing that someone finds me attractive at 63, I’m still living one moment at a time. A new friend would be nice but I’m not attached to the outcome
I am in awe of all of you! I am so glad that this site exists because it gives me such support and courage.
I finished 2014 by starting a small baking business out of my home; vowed to not spend another year without a divorce and proper settlement (it’s been three years since DDay and just over a year since he has moved out of the home); although not at meh as yet, it’s a hell of a lot better; I am feeling much less stressed and more at peace everyday.
Although an avid reader I am one of those ‘introverts’ so to post here is mighty enough for me,
I am 3 years out since Dday 2 and a couple of weeks off my Decree Absolute:
1) I ran off to the other side of the world (to help NC and stop the mindfuckery), moved into my sister’s spare room, got a job and travelled the country more than some of the locals I have met
2) I started practising meditation and have decreased my anxiety levels heaps, I can now sleep for more than 4-5hrs a night
3) I have slowly started to read books again and I have recently taken out my sketchbook
4) I avoid/ detach from fucktards or narcissistic individuals very quickly- at work/socially.
5) I eat out on my own, go to the cinema/pop concerts etc. and although initially difficult I am far more confident in my own skin
6) I threw out all my wedding photos and love letters and every fecking momento from 18 yrs with my XH recently without one pang of regret and not a tear shed, I realized was finally at meh………………..
7) I don’t panic or hide stuff or forget where I hid stuff or get paranoid as much as I did after DDay
8) I do not tolerate people bullshitting or disrespecting me whatsoever
9) I called a Manager out at work out on bullying/intimidation, stood my ground, won my case but lost my job recently in a dubiously timed redundancy- but I am okay and despite probably having to leave the country and return back to where I originally lived I know everything will be okay (I no longer have my marital home – just a small deposit to start afresh – in my mid forties!!!!!!!!!!)
10) Having survived being Chumped (I honestly thought I would physically die in the first few horrible months) I know I can handle any shit that life throws at me now
11) I am starting to rediscover me and what I want to do – not what everyone else thinks I should be doing- it’s easy to get lost in all this
You are amazing!!
oops the paste went wrong I am sure CL can remove that error!!!!!
I am late to the party on this one – suffering from a wicked head cold and so just getting to this now.
How was I mighty over the course of 2014? Well, that *is* a good exercise. Here goes:
I ceased all contact with the narco, I had faith in myself that I was not the person he said I was. I set-up an email filter which sent all of his emails to another dummy email address and then DID NOT CHECK IT. I wasn’t sure if he would email…he did. I check on 12/31. The manipulation, the ‘woe is me’, the ‘why won’t you talk to me’ etc.
We had no kids and were married. I don’t see any need for continued contact – do you?
He intimidated and harassed me. He drove by my house repeatedly – I did not break. He threatened to show up to a work event of mine that I was in charge of – I opted out of the event so that I wouldn’t have to see him or to respond to his threatening emails about said event. I took “No Contact” and made it my mantra…and guess what? I came out the other side, whole 🙂
I could care less about him now. Yes, what he did was awful and disgusting but instead of focusing on the past, I think about the now and the future.
I have been a good mom; my child and I have grown closer in 2014. I have excelled in my job as repeated manipulation, gaslighting and all other abuse was, no surprisingly, getting the in the way of my career successes in the past – duh. In fact I just opened my annual review write-up and it was all glowing remarks topped with a financial bonus – cha-ching.
Not too shabby for a single mom who had her life ripped apart by an egotistical psycho just a year ago.
I have a great family: great kid, great dog and I would like to think that I had something to do with that.
He is currently still trying to engage me but I can easily ignore him. I did it for all of last year.
I guess you could say that I got to ‘meh’. Hooray!! I will say that is something I wasn’t sure would happen just a year ago and I will also say that this blog, this community had A LOT to do with that.
Here’s to staying strong and supporting each other; here’s to you Chump Nation – clink clink.
I am feeling like I am living, as opposed to just going “through the motions”. CL and chump nation have given me the tools and wisdom I so desperately needed. Thank you to all who have given your stories and advise.
Well, I moved, and fostered a litter of kittens. I got a wedding invitation from MRE a few days ago (I opened it because I didn’t recognize the return address, it’s her parents’). And all that happened was I cracked up at the date (February 14th, really?) and tossed it in the recycling. I wasn’t sad or pissed anymore, except at whoever told MRE where I live. It’s just… whatever.
I did lose my fucking mind when I found out that my roommate’s cheating closeted ex-husband had their cats put down, she’d been saving to move them out here. They adopted those cats as kittens, they were littermates, and they’d had them for over a decade. They loved him (cats can have broken pickers too) and he just… put them down. Like it was nothing. I used to feel sorry for his new girlfriend (not the OW), but she stayed with him after that, so now I think she deserves what she gets.
I am in horror at this story. Heartless.
My mightiness this past year was:
1) Simply surviving. I survived one of the worst human betrayals. Mighty me…survived.
2) Finding Joy. Despite suffering gut wrenching losses and PTSD, I still experienced joy.This joy was NOT FROM suffering. But in it. Thank God. (and I do).
3) Discovering Chump Lady.Thank you Tracy and Chump Nation for helping me discover my mightiness.
D-Day for me was in July 2012. McDreamy decided to have an affair with a woman in our town with 4 children (we have 3), who had cheated on her own husband with at least 4 other married men before she set her sights on McDreamy. We all knew her story, Yet, they were soulmates. He needed passion and love. I kicked him out immediately and he didn’t fight it. I told him what needed to happen for us to have a path foreward. It took me a year of watching in amazement as he slowly but surely destroyed all trust and respect and I finally said enough is enough. Everyone has their own timeline and their own breaking point. Mine was after 13 months of him waffling, continuing to show no remorse, blaming the world and me for the mess he made and then asking to take our children to the church he started going to with his ‘soulmate” and of course, happening to run into her there and have a nice conversation. Whatever. By then, I was so done.
What have I done since? I have been busy being MIGHTY and showing my 3 sons a woman who will not let someone else’s terrible choices destroy my life, my sense of worth or my dignity. I want them to choose a different path, to cherish and love their wives if they choose to marry and to understand that there are terrible consequences if you don’t treat your loved ones well. The week of Thanksgiving 2014, I moved my 3 sons, my giant yellow lab and myself out of the house we lived in for 14 years, finalized my divorce, sold my house and facilitated a workshop in the city for work. In 2014 I also purchased an old house and am rehabbing it, 3 blocks from school that looks out over a beautiful park. I have met a fellow chump and have a great new man in my life. We are taking things slowly but he gives me hope there are good men out there. I have taken up hot yoga, I love walking my dog, I spend lots of great time with my “inner circle” of girlfriends. My sister and I have developed a close friendship and we went on a mission trip together in both 2013 and 2014. I have worked very hard to get to this place, and it is still constant work to remind myself daily that he sucks. But little by little, I am building a life for myself and my boys that feels honest, warm and real. I wish the same for each of you as you work through this painful journey. There is joy out there to be found. And lastly, I love this site. Thank you, Chumplady, for being a wonderful resource and giving us a place to go when we need to be reminded that we are not alone.
In the 16 months since D-day, I have
-Moved out and set up a new house from scratch
-Successfully handled some complex immigration issues
-Guided my daughters through the loss of a family member and the loss of our blended family
-Gone back to church and reconnected with my faith
-Kept my head on straight through my older daughter’s school issues, suicidal ideations and suicide attempt
-Sold my old car (I got $200 more than I paid for it) and bought a new one
-Survived being a single mom 24/7
-Gone NC (BEST.THING.EVER)
-Gone back to musical performance
-Taught overtime for a full semester and didn’t land on a psych ward
-Took my kids to Disneyland, the Rockies and 2 spa retreats
-Adopted 2 rescue kittens
-Gone back to regular but not over-the-top workouts at the gym
-Started spending time with my co-workers outside school
-Found out who my real friends are
-Made some really awesome friends on this forum
-Started dating again
-Started to forgive myself for being a chump
I’ve felt pretty fragile at moments, but I guess when you write it all down, you can see how strong you really are. Thanks to everyone for sharing their inspiration, and here’s to an awesome 2015 for all of us!
After nearly 4 years, I can now say his name again without having palpitations.
I can remember and laugh about the ‘good times’
I have reclaimed everything that I loved.
I feel whole again, without him.
I reckon I’m pretty much healed.
It must be nearly Tuesday 🙂
– Put the kibosh on MC (which STBX set up) after a couple of sessions when I realized he was not doing the work
– Put him out of my bed
– after DDay #2, followed the advice of CL on how to divorce a cheater and stealthily got my ducks in a row and filed for divorce (extra mighty points for completely surprising his ass by having him served at work).
– put him out of the marital home.
– kept of the 25 pounds lost on the infidelity diet
– vastly improved my running and completed several half and another full marathon, with my best time to date
– took my kids on several trips, including a nice one for our first Christmas post separation
Next up:
– finalizing divorce
– prepping marital house to sell later this year
– buying my first car ever (by the end of the month hopefully)
After D-Day #4 which was 6 weeks ago which was November 22nd. I put on a strong face for Thanksgiving which was a week later with my family, threw my son a birthday party for his 12th birthday which was the 29th, threw my daughter a 9th birthday party which was on December 6th, took my Girl Scout troop on an overnight trip along with all my other GS functions, attended PTO meetings, worked, kicked a pot addicted nephew out, decorated and shopped for Christmas…basically I kicked ass at life all while stupid ex thinks this time he is a changed man and wants another freaking chance! 2015 will be about me and my kids. Getting my home projects done and just worrying about me and my kiddos and moving my life forward without any concerns of any unicorns making any appearances this year. 🙂
My DDay was November 22 last year. I can’t believe you are doing so much 6 weeks after post-DDay. I could hardly stand upright.
Stefoosh — we have the same fourth/final D-Day! Somehow it is weirdly comforting to know that I was not the only person in that particular hell that day. Strength in numbers. Keep kicking ass!
Yesterday was 6 months post d-day.
I got the house, refi’d it in only my name.
I kept the dog and cat, we all sleep together in one bed every night.
I tore the bathroom down to the studs as soon as she got her stuff out (6 weeks post) and remodeled it, it looks like a hotel bathroom now. I knew I was going to be incredibly unhappy for a while, and figured time would pass whether or not I did anything, so I might as well work and make something beautiful out of something ugly (what happened).
I went on vacation with my high school friend, went to a family reunion, went on another family vacation.
I did not miss one day of work, and ended up with some nice accolades at the end of the year, including a regional professional award that I didn’t even know I was nominated for.
I started going to local meetups and met some new people.
I went to a bar by myself to dance the night away.
I ran 5.25 miles on New Year’s Eve and joined an indoor soccer league, first game was last Friday and I played really well (the last time I touched a soccer ball was 1999).
I got through two episodes where my sister was committed to a mental health facility, (second was yesterday) it’s a trial by fire on coping with adversity without a partner.
I went on some internet dates 3 months ago, before I realized I was still a mess even though I had stopped crying. I am going to wait another 6 months or so before I take a second crack at it.
I cancelled the cable, I hate having the tv on, especially the “desperate kardashians” or whatever seemed to be constantly on.
I have reconnected with many of my good friends that I didn’t have time to focus on, because I was too busy maintaining the ex’s existence.
I started eating more vegetarian foods, which is my preference.
Got several photographs printed on canvas, framed other artwork, and took portraits of all my friends and family members and framed them on my wall. All the artwork in my house is from me, post-dday.
I went shopping with a fashion fairy godmother and got some new clothes.
Threw a solo christmas party for my family.
Have regular dinner nights with my favorite neighbor that I lost touch with.
Music is constantly playing, instead of tv or silence.
I spent days with my family during the holidays, instead of just showing up for dinner and leaving.
I have spent a lot of time with my favorite aunt.
I have been transparent with my friends, family and work about what happened. I haven’t hid it from anyone because it was not my fault and does not reflect poorly on my character.
I’m slowing rediscovering myself, learning from the good days and bad.
I’m really proud of what I have done so far, and I’m excited to see what happens next.
Niddrie….**Applause**
I bought all new music this past year too and made some great new friends at work. I’ve also decided to say ‘Yes!’ to everything. Whenever anyone asks me to do something I just say ‘YES!!’
The year started off with mightiness… Completed the second half of my year long grad program and graduated on Mother’s Day with my two little boys, parents, and brother and his family cheering me on. Went to a bachelorette party in Miami and had my first ever one night stand 😉 Gave a kick ass speech at the wedding… No small feat for me who is not comfortable at all with public speaking…
I moved to a nearby city, found a great job, had another short fling before finally FINALLY deciding maybe I’m ready for something more… a big step for me. And then everything went so far south that this past year, 2014, which started off awesome and did have so many great things happen, also became my worst year. In a way, it was worse than my dday year. I am still recovering but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Suffice to say, I had to move back to my old town (although we had a signed agreement that I was allowed to move, the court system decided that agreement was worthless and said the kids couldn’t leave). So now I’m commuting an hour to the job and negotiating with the ex because they actually gave him primary custody! And gave me my exes old visitation schedule!
But I expect the stuff with the ex to be done this month. I just hope to god it works out; I have no faith in the legal system anymore. But barring another travesty of justice, I do expect to get 50-50. Though I am still nervous and will only be able to fully relax once the legal documents that say that are signed. The job is going really well, and I’m making significantly more than when I stopped working to have kids 5 years ago. But I’m trying to make peace with the fact that I’m apparently going to be chained to my ex in this small town forever. And I have a crush on my boss, well, now technically my bosses boss – another divorce w a young child who I also at least imagine I have a lot of other stuff in common with – which isn’t helping bc my job is literally the only thing I have going for me now. So basically there is this guy I can’t have combined with no other prospects to distract me.
But I survived. Again. I got handed another shitty shitty situation and I did what I had to do. And still managed to make the best of it where I could. And 2015 has to get better. When I think of all that happened over the entire last year… The insane roller coaster I went on… it actually gives me a bit of hope that I never know what could happen. And even if things still seem bad now, I could be, and hopefully will be, in an entirely different place in 365 days, with a hell of a lot of new and good experiences behind me.
i fixed my water heater today all by myself for only 16.00!!!!AND got the heater fixed for 250.00 So now we have heat and hot water!!!
Good for you!!! I am impressed and that is super news!
Over the last 3 years since my divorce from my cheating ex I kicked ass at work, made more money than I ever made, raised and supported my 3 children completely by myself, remortgaged the house in my name and did a shit ton of renovations, got a make over and now go regularly for facials and massages, and revamped my wardrobe. CL and Chump Nation have held my hand, encouraged me, been horrified and angry for me. You all have given me the ability to put a name to the horrors I have encountered and know I am not alone.
I also decided that I was going to be damned if the last story in my romantic life was going to be the sickening story of what my ex did. So I forced myself to get out and try to date, and in doing so reconnected with a wonderful man (best friend of my brother from high school), and we were married in June. He was a chump himself, and is sweet, calm, real, and non-sparkly. Had I not found CL and Chump Nation, I do not believe I would have had the strength and the tools to do what I have done since D-Day. And despite having to blend families including young adults and teenagers (I call us the dysfunctional Brady Bunch), and having to deal with the continual cheater fall-out as far as my abandoned children are concerned, I like to think of my new husband as “The Great Miracle” (a beautiful description I first heard Tracy use to describe her husband).
Thank you Tracy (lovingly known as CL) and thank you beloved Chump Nation.
Currently 8 months out from Dday.
I will be forever grateful that a friend told me about this site right after Dday. The advice and wisdom contained here is priceless. I don’t believe I would be anywhere as close to meh without it.
– Was galvanized into action after reading some of the horror stories on this site, wasted no time getting an attorney, and finalized a favorable settlement agreement in record time – divorce coming in a few months!
– Have been NC the whole time, it’s the mightiest gift you can give yourself!
– Was surprised and humbled by the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends.
– Found some new friends that share my interests and hobbies, met some great people, and have been participating in the activities I love once again
– Swallowed my fears and pushed myself to a new level of competence in an outdoor sport that I formerly had to depend on STBX’s participation to enjoy
– Had a rocking Christmas and New Years with family, old friends and new!
– Succeeding in maintaining a much healthier weight thanks to initial boost from the infidelity diet
– Working in my dream job, and just got a promotion
Here’s to 2015 and a great year for Chump Nation!
I realize that I am stronger than what I thought.
Focus more on me, myself, and I.
Stress free. Don’t have to deal with x’s issues no more.
Sit back and laugh at x dig his own grave that he created.
Making 2015 my year!!!