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Roto-Rooter and the Dawn of a New Year

2015I’ve told the story here many times about how on my 40th birthday I shoveled cow manure. Ordered a truck load of the stuff for a new garden, and as I was ankle-deep in shit, I thought to myself, “Gee, this must be a metaphor for something…”

About 6 weeks later, my metaphor called me. It was the Other Woman. Chumpdom and D-Day #1.

Yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, I was waiting for Roto-Rooter. Hundred-year old house, delicate plumbing, collapsed sewer line. Jesus. REALLY? On New Year’s Eve? No working toilets? How long? How much?

We’re spending the dawn of 2015 pumping shit?

Is this a metaphor for something?

Sure seemed like it. Because the whole day sucked epically. My father, who has lymphoma learned he needs another round of chemo, the teenagers are giving us fits, the dog got loose when the plumbers left the gate open, and I had to go in for a chest x-ray. Because — wait for it! — I appear to have pneumonia! But it’s a holiday, the radiologist will get back with me on Friday, meanwhile here’s enough antibiotics to kill a horse. Happy New Year.

Is this a metaphor for something?

Are there some other disasters lurking around the corner, and hacking my lungs into tissues is just a nice bit of foreshadowing? What other fresh hell does Roto-Rooter have in store? (Hundred year old plumbing… what else could possibly go wrong?) Are backed up toilets the harbingers of doom?

(That’s how my mind works in crisis… It catastrophizes. All threats and annoyances get jumbled together.)

How can one day contain so much crap? Does Roto-Rooter service karma? Can I please have all the crap pumped out of my life?

A new sewer line is $7,000. (Think of all the splendid things you can do with $7,000 that are not pumping raw sewage).

Because I’m Chump Lady, this is where I must segue into Uplift. (I’m reaching here — what’s the difference between cheaters and broken sewer pipes? They’re both full of shit, but at least you can pump pipes.)

If chumpdom taught me anything, it is I’m mighty. I’ve stared down worse than Roto-Rooter and Levaquin.   God, continue to grant me perspective, so I don’t dissolve into a soggy tissue of self-pity in 2015.

Is this a metaphor for something? Yeah. Get over it. Whatever it is — do battle and win.

On that note, I thought today I would re-run last year’s New Year’s Day column, Get Over It.

Happy 2015, chumps. Go kick ass.




Get over it.

The three words chumps hate to hear. “Get over it” says your remorseless cheater after a half-assed attempt at reconciliation. “Get over it” says the friend who cannot conceive of your pain, and wishes you would just go back to your pleasant, ignorant self again. “Get over it” says your boss, because the drama is effecting your productivity.

“Get over it” feels like insult to injury. A flippant response to betrayal, the worst sort of minimizing. So sorry I’m not healing at your convenience, asshole. Chumps at once see the hidden agenda. The cheater who’s not truly sorry. The friend who feels threatened by your vulnerability. The boss who doesn’t really care, just get back to your widgets. So, quite rightly, chumps dismiss “get over it.” Fuck you, I’ll “get over it” when I’m good and ready. Perhaps not ever. I may go down with this ship if I fucking feel like it. Don’t you tell ME to “get over it”!

So, from one chump to another — let me tell you — get over it.

The pain is finite. Don’t choose it. Don’t keep reliving it. Infidelity does NOT define you. It’s no measure of your soul, of your worthiness and lovability.

What keeps you in pain? Staying focused on your cheater. Their judgments of you, what makes them tick, who they’re with now, what they’re doing — and when the hell is the karma bus coming? Where is the karma timetable? I’ve been standing at this stop for YEARS waiting for that bus. I demand a schedule! Only after that bus arrives will I be able to leave this stop and get on with my life properly! Damn bus.

Note the word stop. That’s what happens when you wait for karma. Your life stops. You live a limbo of anticipation. Your focus is on the bus.

Stand on a different street corner and grab a different bus, chumps. One that’s headed in the direction of your new cheater-free life. Focus on yourself.

Hell YES your job is to get over it. To reclaim your selfhood. Of course, it’s a battle at times, but every liberation campaign is.

Getting over it is not eating a shit sandwich. You’re not denying that this happened to you and it was abusive. You don’t have to hold on to that righteous anger to know that it was real. It WAS real. It DID happen. That person SUCKS. Getting over it means they didn’t break you.

You’re not going to get over it staying married to an remorseless cheater. You get over it when you start to protect yourself, when you stand up and say “no more.” When you draw those boundaries and enforce those boundaries. When you grieve. When you stop spackling and see the cheater for who they really are. When you let go of what you thought your life was going to be/should’ve been, and become open to the possibility of a new life.

Reconciliation is fine if you just want to survive. To limp along. To endure. I’m not convinced anyone every really gets over it when they stay married to a cheater. Seems like an endless buffet of shit sandwiches if you ask me.

At Chump Lady, I hold out a better vision for you. You’re not just going to survive this — you’re going to THRIVE. This is the painful birth to better days. This is where you discover exactly how kick ass you are. You find that job, you parent your way, you finish that degree, you fall in love again, you make new friends who get you, you get reacquainted with your creativity, you own your successes. All that energy poured into a narcissist — it’s yours now. You gift it to yourself and those deserving of you.

So, of course you’re going to get over it. What is the alternative? What are you going to miss? The betrayal? Being treated like a concession prize? The disrespect? The pick me dance? The humiliation? Oh, I’m going to hold those things close. Gee, I really want all that shit in my life. NO, of course you don’t!

Make this year your own. Get over it. Happy New Year, chumps.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • My metaphor is: I ended 2014 and started 2015 with a diagnosis of a pinched nerve that has left me almost immobile. I get no relief. The pain in my leg was so bad it made me nauseous. It is excruciating to sit, stand, walk, or lie down. Debilitated. I pray that’s not a metaphor for me or my kids.
    Happy 2015 !!

    • I am soooo sorry! When you recover, and statistics say that you will, then you can see this as a metaphor, but also a literal testament to your patience and strength.
      Please use any pain meds very sparingly, as they can be addicting.

    • Supreme Chump-Maybe the metaphor is pay attention to yourself and what is going on with you, as CL says in above post and I for one needed to be reminded of again. I hope this pain is over soon and I am so sorry it came at all, much less to usher in the New Year!
      My (hopefully not) metaphor is my only child who will be 30 in June and just had her first child 3 months ago, didn’t bother to even wish me a Happy New Year yet. She is married (I paid for it) as well as helped her with her education (40+K) and she treats me like I owe her. I am now single & she is my only family besides brother w/Narc wife (many states away.) My daughter chooses his family for every Holiday because they have more people & festivities, as well as more $$, even though she knows I am alone. Also because her husband wants her to. (They have been together since she was 16) I have been going through Chumpdom at the same time.
      Hopefully I will know my Grandchild. Have tried a variety of approaches that didn’t work, but am open to suggestions. I rarely let on to her that it gets to me. She is already exhausted after 3 months of motherhood & just getting ready to go back to work. I brought her up mostly by myself (had relationship but little help) and without family help. I wonder if it will ever occur to her how this would feel after bringing her own daughter up for 30 years (19 full time) As a teen she was very difficult for YEARS. Any Chump suggestions or similar experiences?? By the way, she was a lovely child pretty much until she met him. I have nothing against him, and have not tried to pull them apart.
      Sorry to hear about other crappy starts to this New Year, but it will get better!

      • Hey, Regina – first I’LL tell you Happy New Year! You’re mighty, and an ass-kickin’ Mom for all you did bringing up your baby alone. No one knows that struggle more than single parents.

        Next – I’ll share a bit of personal history that sounds a bit like your girl that might – at first – make you uneasy, but I share so that you can shore up your walls and be there for your daughter in a much different way. I just finalized my divorce his week on Dec. 30. It only took about minutes to tear down 23.5 years that I worked my ass off to create a family with my cheating f-tard. I also just turned 40 this year. I, like your daughter, had been with my now XH since I was 16. Back then (early 90s) we didn’t have the cell phones for ease of cheating, and didn’t have dial-up Internet for some years after we finished high school. We had our first child when I was 18 & he was 19. I didn’t marry him until I was 23 and in my final semester of my degree. Still, after 6 years of dating/engagement, and 16 years of marriage when I found out, once I busted him and his whore-worker it was suddenly, “We didn’t know each other before we got married!! We’re no good together!! Blah, blah, BS.” He emotionally cheated on me 1.5 – 2 years after we married with some married whore in his college classes. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. Still, once the cell phone technology was in his hands, there was no stopping this fucker. He had to have kibbles at ALL COSTS. That was then.

        So here’s what I believe being with someone since 16 means today (my bro is 32, no kids, very self-centered): one of them is gonna get bored and likely cheat. Why? Because there’s opportunity, secrecy and privacy in their individual tech worlds, and because they’ve waited so long to have kids. Having them too young makes people with cheater-dipositions wonder what they’re missing. Having them too old makes people selfish and miss theirr sleep, body, and freedom. Because they are of the Gen Y group of entitled, tech-savvy kids who SURE CAN play like they’re ready for the responsibilities of parenthood, and work, and family life, the reality SURE isn’t as sexy as the TV shows, and what all their single, or childless peers are up to. I don’t believe it matters how long they’ve been together. There are high percentages of men and women post Veteran Generation, which includes Boomers, Gen X, Gen Y and later, who’s “word” and character is meaningless. ALL of us can say Amen to that.

        Hell, my douche bag threw away 23.5 years of stability with an ass-kicking and loyal wife, and who essentially RAISED OUR KIDS ALONE. He wouldn’t engage to the degree I needed and wanted, and finally reflected his broken f-ed up family train wreck model, which included abandonment and multiple divorces. So what does he do to me? Serial cheating over 17 final years of “marriage” (probably during those 6 years together prior to marriage, too), lived a double life for 12 months before I finally catch him, he abandoned me and our daughter, and fucked up everything I had built for us. Yes – I BUILT it. But I was alone the whole time, and don’t ever want that crap back in my life.

        I certainly hope I’m flat wrong, and both of them are people of integrity, who will do their very best by each other, and by that baby. However, I’m just giving you a heads-up as to a possibility of something that could happen, so that you can change your mental focus off of how selfish your daughter is acting right now, and be ready to catch her and that sweet grandbaby of yours if you ever need to. Don’t give her so much power over your emotions; it can keep you stuck, and especially if she was a challenge to raise and acted ungrateful for all you did for her. I do wish you all the best in 2015, but just remember, we KNOW the reality of how selfish people can be, and so we shouldn’t be too surprised – even when it’s our kids screwing us over. My oldest will be 22 soon, and I’ve had my share of it. 😉 I also think many people do a nice cover-up job of getting people to believe that they aren’t wack-jobs, when they really are selfish douche bags. Time will tell, but I’m praying for you and all of us Chumps in 2015. xox

        • I raised my grown stepdaughter-private schools, cars, college tuition, semester abroad. My health insurance paid for the delivery costs of my grandson. Since I am no longer with her father, the only time I hear from her is when she wants something. On Christmas Eve, her call was to see if she could pick up the presents to put under her mother’s tree. I politely declined. This week she came by to drop off my gift of three used magazines (you read that correctly). I had lots of nice presents for the grand, but nothing for her; I usually buy something very nice for her. I told her,”It’s the thought that counts.” It wasn’t about the presents, it was about the complete disregard for my feelings. I will no longer be a doormat for anyone and if that means she falls away, so be it. 2015 is the year I quit allowing others to take advantage of me, including grown children.

        • Oh yeah, and as far as a personal metaphor, I really thought I was being weird, but turns out I was right on. The last 6 years of my 17 year sham of a “marriage” to that cheater was so lonely & virtually sexless. I didn’t know why & was made to feel crazy, jealous, etc. when he wouldn’t come home, hug or kiss me without it feeling forced or like a hassle. I should have gone with my gut feelings about it all.

          Anyhow, we had a series of small earthquakes in my state for a while. I noticed a small long crack started down from my high ceiling. This crack lined up DIRECTLY on a path toward a 3-series vertical frame of me & the f-tard. I wondered why that crack had to be right there and I secretly felt it symbolized how I felt about the marriage & disconnect between us.

          Three more small earthquakes later, the line went behind the frame, looking like it would split the photos of us right down the middle. So over that few-year period, I watched that small line crack crawl closer to the frame & felt like I was going crazy. The distance the cheater created between us because of his adultery was massive, yet I was the one who was crazy, jealous, etc. I found him out last year within a few months after the line was behind the frame. It only took freaking EARTHQUAKES speaking to me over a few years for me to wake up.

          Never again.

        • Dear KibbleFree_MightyMe & Violet;
          Chump Nation, this is a response about kids who are teens or older who are estranged. I asked for help & this is a bit of a highjack so just please skip it if you don’t need advice in this area and I am answering the advice here. Thanks.
          I really appreciate your both sharing similar experiences. Violet with your ungrateful Stepdaughter, and KFMM with your own story of starting early in a relationship that never was supportive or nurturing in any way that may characterize the relationship my D is in. You gotta wonder, where do we come up with the energy to go on taking care of so much without getting fed emotionally ourselves? That is pretty mighty right there. It is really difficult to look at the two things (my marriage & daughter) that I have spent the better portion on my life on be what I can only see as a failure. But you are right KFMM, it is not over. And you are right Violet, we must set limits to how far over the line we let even our own families go, so we can keep our self respect and not allow our hearts to be broken by people who don’t value us as much as we value them. Being a good parent has so much value, but many don’t even see it. We can only give so many pints of blood until we get dizzy & start stumbling around! I really don’t feel I spoiled my D, and she just married a year and a half ago after she finished school, but together 13 years. I made her work during school & she paid her own bills because she was living with him. They lived meagerly for the school years, I helped when really necessary)

          Violet, I decided to start a fund for the baby starting next Birthday & Christmas or whenever I darned well please, I am going to start putting money away for my Grandbaby’s future. I am not going to let them have it. I know that my daughter has no nostalgia for me & our life together before all this, and she will spend the money if I give it to her. The gifts mean nothing, and will probably be taken to the resale store or returned for something else, not saved because Grandma gave it to her. This cash will mean more to her (GD) if she gets into a jam. I did one for my daughter & it is gone but got her out of a bad spot. My heart breaks reading how you are being treated by a stepdaughter whom you did not need to put so much of yourself & your resources into. It gives me that pain in my solar plexus that I get when treated badly by my own daughter. My parents were both alcoholics which was a real challenge for a child who doesn’t know what the Hell is going on-why is Mommy turning from Snow White into Chucky? I mention this to say that many of these spoiled kids would have never made it through a truly hard time! (But at least we didn’t have to walk 10 miles to school in snowshoes- uphill both ways like our parents did! LOL!)

          KFMM; I was shocked when I read your second post, because my daughter bought a home which is the marital home, and guess what? It has a crack going through it about dead center, and has not only started but traveled quite a ways in the 3 years they have lived there. Reading that gave me chills. (Florida-sinkhole)
          I have that funny feeling she is being controlled by him, and I have a feeling he is somewhat behind her attitude(s). He has made little to more like NO effort to get to know me over the 13 years. His family looks normal & act like humans, but the FOO issues there are monstrous. (One of the reasons I wonder why she chooses them!) The Mother has been a serial cheater & broken her family twice with it. The 3 kids are from different fathers, but one was fathered by someone no-one knows, and her first husband was told just after that child’s 18th birthday that it was not his. (And the child did not know either.) This was so she could collect a support check from him for most of those 18 years! Supposedly my D’s H was so broken up by what she did that he will never cheat. But, he is very close to her & talks to her just about every day my D says. You are right, only time will tell. But showing no interest in knowing me (isolating) and the feeling I get (every time you do something great for them, you did it wrong, it isn’t good enough, you ruined it, etc., etc.) is weird & puzzling. I have just started to get to know the Mother, but mostly because I don’t want to be left out completely.
          She (D) is bringing in more money than he is, but he seems to spend most of it-another bad sign.
          He had some experience with other girls before my D, but my daughter has only been with him.
          Thanks so much for a caring response, I am so sorry for your experiences have unfolded in such a cruel way. Sometimes I think “nice” people are seen as suckers these days, at least in the big cities.
          Where else would people pour their heart out and lay themselves bare to help each other with these rockiest of roads? Finding Chump Nation is a Godsend!

  • The first time I read your manure metaphor story, I thought, “I don’t have a story like that. For my 40th I was on a lovely wine tasting tour with my husband and good friends who traveled 3000 miles to celebrate with me.” I conveniently forgot that I had bronchitis and I and the guys spent the evening sitting in the living room watching a sporting event while my friend snuck off to read 50 shades of gray. I was sitting in an armless slipper chair hacking my lungs out while my husband lounged in the armchair next to me. I asked him to swap because my chest hurt so much. He agreed, but there was no expression of concern for my well-being at all.

    That should have told me a lot. Alas, it took me two years to get the memo that he’s a cold, self-absorbed snake. It will be a relief to put him behind me.

  • Tracy, I hope that things improve very quickly for you, and I’m sorry you are facing so many crappy things at once…. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to rest and heal…

    • Nice play on words, NL!

      Great post, Tracy. Prayers to you and your dad for strength.

      I’m down with the winter lung and nose disorder on the beginning of this new year but the Stealth Bomber just flew over my home to mark the beginning of the Rose Parade 2015 with an olympic champion as a Grand Marshal.

      I ran out in freezing cold weather and felt one with the Stealth Bomber and the olympic champion because that’s the strength it takes to leave an old life behind and a New Year to know you can start again.

      Every chump has this resolve in them.

      Back in bed nursing my nose and lungs.

      Ah life…ain’t it grand.

        • Get well soon, Tracy! So sorry to hear all the junk seemed to happen at once. On the bright side, you have your great husband & friend to walk this through with you, and it can only get better from here out! Best to you & your family in 2015! 🙂

  • I had a collapsed sewer line right after he walked out. Eight thousand dollars. I guess I was lucky (if the break had been beyond my property line it would have cost double that with the city and police details involved) but it didn’t seem so at the time. Right before he left (when he was acting like a miserable bastard) the pipes were backing up and rather than call Roto Rooter he tried “fixing it” with drain cleaner. In testing out his quick fix he didn’t cap the line first and flooded the kitchen and living room with sewerage and guess who got to clean up most o the mess? Is that a metaphor or what? I wanted to call Roto Rooter on my dime but let him have his way. Typical. I always deferred to him in things like that even though I knew better. Lesson learned the hard way.

  • Geeze..thinking good thoughts for your health and your dad’s. The teenagers will grow up…they do! (My kid gave me the most amazing cheering up yesterday, from my holiday blues. Who knew? Love her)

    Your plumbing problems? Reminds e of the first Thanksgiving in my 200 year old house, with 2 HW heaters (had been apartmentalized, then we reunited it). The downstairs HW heater died, just as I had all 14 of EX’s family for Turkey Day..and they were/are critical unhelpful bastards, every one.

    Me? I schlepped the dishes up and down the stairs to the as-yet-unconverted 2nd kitchen dishwasher, in a laundry basket.

    Was it a metaphor? You bet! It just took me a dozen more years to figure out that I was schlepping not just the dirty dishes that day, but the whole marriage.

    In sum, I’m over the marriage, but not over the damage. Trying though. Still trying.

    Happy New Year all

    • Ugh. Reminds me of holidays with the in-laws. xMIL did all the cooking; xSIL and her husband showed up in dirty sweats. After dinner, xSIL pitched in by joking that she didn’t do dirty dishes, and then would leave to have a smoke on the patio with everyone else while I and sometimes my mother would clean the kitchen. I have no idea who does the cleaning now. Actually, I do have an idea–it’s the xMIL, older and yet more frail.

      Well, as they say, not my circus.

      Maybe in one small way they miss me.


    • Also wanted to say to CL I am so sorry about your Dad & the sewage disaster.
      I have this thing going around & have caught it 3 times! I have had it pretty much non-stop for 2 months. Caught it right before Halloween the first time (and had a flu shot earlier in October) Good times!

    • “I’m over the marriage, but not over the damage” just became my new answer to the questions about why am I not yet dating. Thanks NFV and Happy 2015 chumps!

  • So sorry to hear about the rough start to your New Year, CL. I am new here and SO happy I have found you… I have been binge reading the archives for the past several days and I know I have found folks who will be able to relate to my situation… I was a chump for years until one of the OW contacted me almost 3 months ago. I can’t even hate her – I’m just grateful that someone finally spoke truth to me about what I had suspected for years. My soon-to-be-ex had so many OW that I can’t even fix blame on one (or a few) of them. In fact, I think knowing that he had hurt another woman as much as he was hurting me was actually what made me do what I should have done long ago – kick him out! Happy to say that I am well on my way to getting over it (divorce papers have been filed) and CL is exactly what I need to keep my head screwed on straight!

    • Yes, welcome! I think there is no better source for healing from the form of abuse that is cheating, than here at the Chump Lady. We are mighty. We are proud of our scars. We help each other a lot here–it makes us stronger.

    • Welcome, Lizzy! It’s sad any of are here, but has been a huge blessing of support. You sound so mighty for being just three months out from DDay! I only wish I had found CL that soon; might have saved me another 5 months of more wasted time in my sham of a “marriage.” Good luck with everything you will do to free yourself of that asswipe this year, & keep reading those back posts. You’ll learn so much & prepare yourself for what’s coming. (((Hugs))) to you, girl! xox

  • This will definitely be a better year for me as I continue on my path to recovery and a cheater-free life.

    I know just by comparing where I was one year ago today.

    A year ago I was only 6 months post D-Day and wildly playing pick-me and fabricating reasons to stay in contact with him. My cheater was playing this for all it was worth, dangling the prospect of us getting back together in front of me regularly and blatantly (“if you play your cards right, Margaret, you might just get a second chance.”) while trying to work me, to get the biggest financial settlement he could. One February day driving to work in a blizzard on a Monday morning, with a 9 a.m. client waiting for me, I had another vertigo attack, and as I pulled off the highway to recover, I seriously considered aiming for a tree. It felt like he had already destroyed my whole world and me too. Now I know that isn’t true! But the truth took some time to get to me.

    A year later, I am still working on putting myself back together. I now know he was a serial, multiple cheater. I know and understand the full extent of his financial exploitation of me for 16 years. The brutal cruel way he treated me when I exposed his cheating and made him leave. The parasitic way he latched onto OW and now lives off her the way he did with me so many years. And that he was undoubtedly, unequivocally, an abuser. Years of narc rages that I always justified as being somehow my fault. Always apologizing even though I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. I am so glad that is all over.

    And how very, very, very glad I am that late one night, my instinct told me to check the cell phone records, and that I was brave enough to do that, then to accept the obvious, then to kick him out that very night; then to resist his manipulations for six months, get a lawyer and an accountant and start fighting for once. I wasted many months trying to untangle the skein of his fuckedupness but I no longer care, only care that he is away from me and stays that way — maybe I’m approaching Meh? When I get his name off the deed to my house, I’ll finally be all the way free.

    What a year this has been! Thank you, Chump Lady and every one of you fellow chumps.

    • And how very, very, very glad I am that late one night…I was brave enough to do that, then to accept the obvious…and start fighting for once.

      Isn’t that the BEST feeling!!

      • Yes it is Miss Sunshine! I feel so proud of myself and so vindicated for all of the previous times that I sensed something was wrong, or told him I was hurt when he flirted with waitresses and cashiers in front of my face and then told me I was “paranoid” and “jealous.” I am vindicated! and cheater free!

  • And yesterday actually it occurred to me that my vertigo (from a chronic medical condition called meniere’s disease) is something of a metaphor…. all during 2012 I had a vertigo attack every 3-4 days, spinning, nausea and motion sickness, vomiting, cold sweats and the only treatment is medications that make me sleep — it was like all the lies, cheating, deception, and exploitation from him was finally spinning out of control and something woke me up from my stupor to face the reality.

    • Maybe you realized he was a “spin doctor,” that is what these Cheaters are. It could make anyone dizzy. Metaphor for sure!

  • Tracy, of all the “shitty” things in your life right now your father’s poor health is the most important. Prayers on the way. Also, you need to take care of yourself. That is for a very selfish reason. You are a lifeline for too many people. I hope you and all your fellow chumps have healthy, contented, meh-ful New Years.
    Getting over being cheated on is like having your cheater run over your legs with a car. After several surgeries as you walk with a cane having someone say “Get over it” deserves a whack with said cane.

    • Yes, my dad’s cancer tops the list, but he’s got a good prognosis, just more chemo crap. Very grateful he’s got great care and it was caught pretty early. Thanks for the kind wishes.

  • Tracy, I’m so sorry to hear of all of the trials and tribulations with your health, your Father’s health and house/kids…..I know now that there really just isn’t anything that you cannot handle with grace. Please rest and feel better–your family needs you tip top–and I’m sure that wonderful husband of yours is right there in the trenches, pulling his weight.

    I don’t have many specific memory of “knowing” something was a metaphor for my life, except for one. I was sitting at my computer one evening as it was storming outside….very windy, starting to rain, dark and cold.

    I heard a rattling sound at the window and looked up to see a small bird. He was flinging himself at the glass repeatedly, in all likelihood to get inside where he probably felt he’d be safe. I watched for a moment, wondering if seeing me would shoo him away so he could find REAL shelter, not in a house with two cats, a dog, and generally not a good place for a wild bird to find food and water.

    He kept flinging himself relentlessly against the glass and I see his tiny body shake with exhaustion when he’d rest on the sill before trying again. I finally opened the window to let him in, deciding that I’d figure out what to do with him once he’d calmed down and rested.

    He wouldn’t come in. He sat there watching me quietly, as I spoke to him. We stood there for several minutes, until finally, he flew off into the storm.

    What I’d been going through at the time was trying to reconcile with cheater. My friends kept telling me to move out, divorce him and move on. He’s not worth it. He’s going to kill you some day (another story for another day) and you keep making excuses to stay. You can’t afford a place on your own. You’ll never find anyone else. You’re too old, it’s too late. It’s not that bad.

    In retrospect, I feel like the bird. I kept trying to get back into the “safety and security” of my marriage–when that marriage had 2 hungry sabertooth tigers, a rabid wolf and no sustenance to keep me from starving while I battled for my life every day.

    But there was a storm outside!! Wind! Rain! Cold! But there was also the freedom to choose where I might want to seek safety and shelter.

    It’s worth it, chumps. It’s hard and it’s dark and it’s cold and windy—but it’s so worth it in the end.

    Happy New Year, everyone. God Bless.

    • Thank you for sharing your story Sphinx, i”m sure many of us can identify with the bird. It is scary and hard to see the light in the beginning but it is there and grows as one finds their strength and takes all the small steps to see that they are mighty.

    • Sphinx…….wow! I love that! Today, though, I am feeling very blue! Tears streaming……and I’m so mad at myself because I’ve been saying for months now that 2015 I was heading back upwards! Well not today so far.

      • IHH, cry away. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Healing yourself is going to take time and for each of us it is different. I hope you have someone with you? If so, get out of the house and do something for yourself that will take your mind off things. 2015 will be better, just you wait and see even through the tears. Love to you. xo

      • IHaveHate–I started the day with some tears (really should NOT have had that extra glass of champagne last night!) but am feeling mighty today. Let the grief out, then put one foot in front of the other. Hugs to you!

        • Funny, for me Christmas was not too bad, but today I am so depressed and on the verge of tears all day. My kids are fighting and driving me nuts….. I made a nice breakfast, and my New Years hot ponche. I am broke, tired, my back and neck are causing me a lot of problems. I have to have an MRI next week. Stbx still approaches car and waves to me when I drop my girls off for visitation, in violation of PO. I feel trapped. I shudder to think this is what 2015 will be like

          Tracy, I hope everything works out. So sorry about your dad. And the sewer line. That is a lot to deal with. It always seems things happen in bunches like that. Sending good wishes and prayers your way. 🙂
          Thanks for all you do. Chumplady is a lifeline for me. 🙂

    • SM- that’s an amazing story about the bird & it IS a metaphor for not only you, but for so many of us who just wanted our marriage and spouses to be safe for us. But the bird knew enough not to go in, and that was the most important message to you from an unlikely angel. I love this story. I’m gonna buy a bird necklace now! Blessings to all of you this new year! xox

  • Yes, hugs and prayers for your Dad, and a speedy recovery for you too, Tracy. You do so much for others! All the best.

  • “Get over it” is right up there with, “Things happen for a reason.” Both are insensitive-disguised-as-caring cracks from people who have no fucking clue how much hurt you are in, let alone how to help. Still, both cracks have value once we’re willing to fight back and get a life.

    I’m still working on “getting over it.” I have absolutely no love or respect left for my selfish, lying, cheating, thief of an ex-husband. When he realized I wasn’t responding to his needy, nasty tactics, he reset his target and went after our sons. He continuously manipulates and lies to our kids, so I’m still dealing with his shit, once removed.

    “Things happen for a reason” is another gem. Sometimes bad things happen and there’s no reason except for a really BAD one. Sheesh. I could have definitely done without the cheating, theft and then manipulative transference bullshit X pulled when I didn’t roll over and die.

    But it did open my eyes to his real character, the one I sugar coated for 18 years of a crappy marriage. Now I’m free.

    • Ohhhh, Yes…..ChutesandLadders! Both those, when said by cheaters & clueless ones, is like fingernails on a chalkboard!

      Found this on Pinterest:
      “Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes that reason is you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.” (THIS quote is for cheaters & clueless people—-NOT my precious fellow chumps!)

      So, yea, gets kinda old when we hear it from those kind of folks.

      However, CL’s version of these two phrases is soooo much different, just as you summed up in this phrase: “Still, both cracks have value once we’re willing to fight back and get a life.”

      Thank Goodness for the voices of reason here in this Nation!

      ForgeOn, all ya all……

      • Love that quote. It does apply to chumps in an ass backwards way. The word naive subbed for stupid and there you go … nobody willingly stays with a cheater parasite if they know they are being duped!

        Some of us built a house of cards based on the lies. Takes a while to recover when the cheater walks away saying “not working out for me anymore, bye!” Timed it for when the youngest became an adult and facebooked my entire family with the sad story of how we grew apart and decided to separate.

        Forgot to mention the hookers, Ashley Madison, porn crap left on all the computers, gambling bills, and the bucketload of $$ and years spent trashing his liver on single malt scotch.

        Still getting to meh after putting my entire life and identity on hold supporting this jerk. Hard to reestablish yourself after being uprooted constantly and literally having no close friends.

        CL has made me see that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

        Here’s wishing only the best for Tracy and hers in the new year! AND the best for Chump Nation!

        • just another chump,

          ‘Tis true….that saying can sometimes apply to us chumps!

          BIG difference with us, though, is our ‘stupid’ is of the ‘naive’ variety, as you pointed out.
          Also, we are not ‘stupid’ with the intention of being cruel, with the goal of destroying others, as these narcs are.

          “…..facebooked my entire family with the sad story of how we grew apart….” Boy, were you ever with a freaking piece of poo!! Kinda hard to stay close with all those other ‘people’ & ‘interests’ in his life! Sickos……Hate that line, too!

          So glad you are seeing light with the help of the Nation…..They can be the first of your new close friends!

          ForgeOn, just another chump …..ForgeOn!

        • “with the sad story of how we grew apart…”

          yup–bound to grow further apart with a third person in between you.

          • I quite like the “things happen for a reason” saying as, more often than not, there is a reason. We sometimes do need to “get over it” as the alternative is to throw good years after bad ones, be defined by the behaviour of another person, and spend our precious time and energy fighting a battle we cannot win. Its like puffing at the wind.
            The “reason” these things are happening is often something we would rather not face…the men involved are not invested in a life with us any longer. OW do not rip them out of our arms. They point their cars in the direction of her house instead of yours without a gun being held to their head. They know what they are doing and still do it.
            We cannot fix it by ourselves. Fixing a marriage takes a willing man, a willing woman and a lot of investment. Without these ingredients it will not get fixed.
            The wisdom of CL is knowing when to fold, accepting the reason, and putting energy and investment into outcomes we have some control over.
            I have just done something I should have done sooner…I have removed ex brother in law from my friends list.
            He is a nice guy who has done nothing wrong but keeps posting photos/updates which include my ex and I am going NC as far as possible after the nightmare that was xmas. I do not want these images to appear on my wall any longer and have taken action.
            Sometimes we can only get over it when we face the reason it is happening.
            To Tracy and all other chumps wading through shit, metaphorical and otherwise, I send loving thoughts. I will add another saying by Winston Churchill – When you are going through hell, keep going!

            • Mary, I think it’s good that you’re taking steps to protect yourself from seeing photos that upset you. I’ve slowly been hiding the Facebook feeds of my ex’s family, even though they were a part of my life for 36 years. It just doesn’t help me move forward to see all the fun they’re having together during the holidays when I’m mostly alone. I love his family, but my ex’s unilateral decisions put a wedge between us that can’t be undone. I try very hard to focus on my life and my path and not compare.

  • Get over it. GET over it. Get Over It!!!!!!!!

    Nothing quite says get over it like a mamouth amount of word salad that in a nut shell says. Your a Christian, we are all sinners and your sin (divorce) is just as bad as his sin ( adultery) so just forgive and all will be restored and no one will be able to judge you because you chose not to judge your adulterous spouse.
    I kid you not this pretty much sums up a post someone put on my FB post today. I had shared DM’s post.

    My get over it plan for 2015 is underway. Starting with a divorce, going to court in 28 days and counting.

    • Man that has me fuming… is there something worse than blocking a person on fb. F#ck’m. Get away from that toxic person as fast as you can.

          • I’m sure Divorce Minister can say this way better since I’m an atheist, in part because I’ve read the entire bible. However, I happen to think that some of it is quite good, philosophically speaking. My interpretation of “judge not lest you be judged” is taken in the context with which those words are written and other passages. Boiled down, what the bible is saying is that you should judge righteously and live by your own judgement (in accordance with God’s laws), but you should not condemn a person because that is the realm of God. In other words, your Christian “friends” are full of shit. Jedi Hugs!

    • My deepest empathy on this. During the shitstorm that followed DDay, a mutual friend of Ex & Dr. Hoe posted a *public* vitriolic screed to me on FB about how I failed as a wife and if I was only better in my Faith and in bed my husband would not have strayed. That she had had many opportunities but didn’t cheat b/c her husband was so glorious (frankly it read like she was drunk, and also like a bunch of lies. However, it was SO painful.)

      Also, PS, Dr. Hoe was/is a loudly professed Christian, who said she was “strong in her Faith”…and also had numerous affair with her pastor and thereby they wrecked that marriage..) Poor Pastor’s wife & daughter. Collateral damage to a Narc and a drunk, I think. Sad. But it taught me that it happens across all sectors…all sectors.

      Thankful, keep on walking away and rebuilding and doing what you need. Find a faith community that helps you if you can. Real people will see the real you…I’ve never met you, and I can see it shining through! You’re gonna be fine.

    • What a SMUG ASS. That person is NOT your friend. That person does not have good JUDGEment. If you believe in God, then you believe God gave you a brain for a reason.

      I have another take on this, though.

      I am very active on FB (I waste a ton of time there….). I follow CL there, but I do not share nor “like” any of her posts, though I have several FB/RL friends who have been cheated on. I don’t share nor “like” very many posts from public profiles that address cheating and divorce (Mommy Has a Potty Mouth, etc.) I have friends who share memes that are righteous anti-cheating slogans–I do not share them with my friends on FB.

      This is because, frankly, being a chump is being a member of a private club of pain and struggle and losses and victories. The way I figure, being a chump will always color my world from BD on (and before BD, now I know). Frankly, I will NEVER get over what the Coward and the Troll did to my family. And I’m ok with that. And, while being a chump has hurt me, it also has made me stronger, more compassionate, more patient and generally better in all ways. I didn’t need to be cheated upon, and was doing just fine without it, but I WAS cheated upon, and I dealt with it and continue to do so in positive and mighty way. I have the whole rest of my life, which goes on–my kids, my job, my parents, my friends, my hobbies. With me, I limit discussions of chumpdom to here, and only very briefly with other chumps I admire and respect, or those newly struggling.

      I don’t share chumpiness with non-chumps. They don’t get it. They can’t. It’s not their burden, and I don’t want to try to make it so. That’s because spewing my anger and hurt in front of people who don’t want to see it is only hurtful to ME. It’s off-putting, and serves to distance people from me. It makes me look crazy, and only plays into the stupid, stupid cliches that “it takes two,” or, “maybe he wasn’t happy.” It causes non-chumps to affirm their protective reasoning that, “It can’t happen to me–you see how crazy/victimy/bitter/obsessed she is?” It’s NOT FAIR of me to expect others to take up my cause. Everyone else has their own struggle, and each of us has an obligation to ourselves to get over it in the most constructive way possible. I have friends whose kids have mental illnesses, or who have cancer, or who are struggling financially. I have friends who are doing GREAT in life–I admire and congratulate them, knowing that life is fragile.

      I do realize that the days after BD are a blind mess of trauma, and I definitely reached out to people (indiscriminately) for sympathy, peppering everyone in my inner and wide outer circles with my story. (I forgive myself for that–with a chuckle. I went a little crazy, what can I say?) But at some point, it’s true that people rightfully grow weary of your pain, worry that you’re stuck, want to move onto enjoy the rest of life. It’s not fair to be a long-term drain on people–not fair to them and not fair to yourself. Don’t define yourself by what your abuser did to you. Don’t dress yourself in the same drab coat every day.

      I agree with Tracey–you MUST do what you can to get over it. That doesn’t mean immediately, that doesn’t necessarily mean entirely. It doesn’t necessarily mean forgiveness (I will never forgive, and don’t believe I have to in order to have a good life.) But it does mean finding your backbone and making good choices. It means putting on your big girl or big boy pants and not burdening others, not expecting them to rescue you (nobody but YOU can rescue you). It means not finding offense when none is meant. It means finding joy and love in the rest of your short life. It means bettering yourself and building something and learning. It means becoming someone you like, and showing THAT person to the world. It means sticking up for yourself with firm assertiveness, perhaps for the first time in your life. It means acting, not reacting. It means developing your hobbies, your occupation, your family, your body, your friendships. Only you can do these things.

      Show young and old people how to handle adversity with aplomb. Most of all, show yourself–everything ELSE that you are. You will make mistakes–brush them off and move forward, wiser. Come here and talk about it, learn from and teach other chumps. There’s growth in that.

      Best believe I will stand up for another chump I see being abused by mis-applied religious or societal cliches, or by vicious sanctimony served up by jerks in general. I will help pull my comrade to his/her feet, help dust him/her off, and point the way. But I expect him/her to eventually find his/her spine and legs. I think that’s what we do here.

      You can do it, my chumpy friends! YOU CAN DO IT!!

      • ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
        THIS THIS THIS is why I read ChumpLady everyday, several times a day!!!

        Excellent, Miss Sunshine!

        Thank you taking the time to write that remarkable passage!

        ForgeOn, Miss Sunshine!

      • Miss Sunshine,
        This has to be one of the best posts I have read on this site. Every single word you wrote resonated. Thank you.

      • Miss Sunshine, that was an awesome post and I agree with everything you said in it. At first the pain is so overwhelming that I did feel temporarily crazy and was word vomiting to anyone who would listen. People who haven’t been through it don’t understand, and I remember not understanding when my sister went through it. So I come here every day to read the stories of people who get it, and who are overcoming it, and who aren’t being defined by it. Thanks for that!

      • Thanks for this, Miss Sunshine. Truly. I have discovered similar boundaries since my induction into being chumped.

        What I add is that I am learning when and where it is helpful to ME to ‘educate’ people about infidelity. I want to change the narrative in a broader social justice kind of way, the same way I educate people about other misconceptions. I am not looking for support from the people I choose to teach (I get that support from a small group of people who ‘get it’ and… here at CL!).

        What I am looking for when I tell people the real deal about infidelity is the satisfaction that comes from saying that the world is not flat, it is round.

    • I’m sure Divorce Minister can say this way better since I’m an atheist, in part because I’ve read the entire bible. However, I happen to think that some of it is quite good, philosophically speaking. My interpretation of “judge not lest you be judged” is taken in the context with which those words are written and other passages. Boiled down, what the bible is saying is that you should judge righteously and live by your own judgements, but you should not condemn a person because that is the realm of God. In other words, your Christian “friends” are full of shit. Jedi Hugs!

    • Wasn’t aware that divorcing an adulterer was a sin – as far as my athiest-mind goes, I thought that was an acceptable Biblical reason to divorce, in any religion the world over? Stupid fucks. Seriously. Just more word salad crap from yet another cheater-apologist.

      In regards to being chumpy/chumped and the lessons we have learned from the mindfuck that we’ve all been through – I’ve used this to colour everything in my life from henceforth. I call it my ‘Bullshit Detector’ which of course gets refined further over time.
      The lessons learned from said chumpiness has allowed me to live a far greater life – to the point where if someone is spouting stupid, unintelligent nonsense which is morally bankrupt, I will call them out on their shit. If they can’t handle it, then they are no longer a friend/acquaintance – and thats on them, not on me. Thats my chumpy gift that keeps on giving, I guess – and its on me to rule my own life and filling it with people who aren’t morally screwed in the head.

  • Metaphor here: I was deeply pondering the future of my first marriage while peeling a whole boxful of apples for pie and as I watched the peelings spiral into the garbage it suddenly appeared as a metaphor for my life. The next day I packed two suitcases and moved out leaving my wedding ring on top of a note while he was at work.

  • CL I pray that your Dad and yourself gain strength in the coming days. A year ago today my youngest was diagnosed with cancer a month after d,day. Tonight we sat on the sideline and cheered on our favourite football team at a home game. Last year while in hospital awaiting diagnoses my daughter kept asking if we would be out in time to go to the game. She didn’t leave hospital for roughly 5 weeks. This year STBX went behind my back and booked a holiday 6 hours away clearing it with the hospital and everything. And then a week before he wanted them put it to me that because it was booked any plans I had could be done another time. What STBX did not realise is it was our daughter who did not want to go. She was not missing that home game two years in a row. Tonight we started positive memories. Gaining a life in 2015 not just me but all of us. I have even started a jar in the kitchen and at the end if each day we find one thing to be grateful for and put it in the jar next NYE we will read them.

    Here is to a positive and healthy 2015 full of love laughs and joy.

      • She has 12 more months of chemo but doing very well. Prayers to you and your Dad and all your family at this time.
        Thank you for being a strong woman who has been willing to speak out. And provide courage to others to do the same.

  • Dear Mighty Chumps, On my Dday, I was so overcomed that I stopped sleeping for months. I couldn’t eat, all I was in this unending cycle of flight or fight and just paralyzed. I came to think about this time as I went from breathing air to having to breath water (drowning but still breathing). It was excruciating. I could not pull myself together. I went to that place again with my now XH forcing me to have an abortion with his threats to destroy my life and my kids life by making us move far away from the safety of my family, my job and the place I love. (I am pro choice, I just want it to be my choice.)

    Anyway I learned something in this, a tool that I used whenever something starts to put me into this sort of tailspin. I trust my brain wants to go back to normal, wants to sleep, wants to eat, wants out of the water, wants to breath air again but I need to help it

    What I need to do is do something that is not exactly dangerous, but requires my utter and full attention… like kayaking from point A to B, generally it has to be physical, perhaps going to a climbing gym. To accomplish that I need to focus and with that focus, even for a couple of minutes those thoughts are pushed to the back. But once when I am in doing that stuff, my brain says, Oh yeah, I like this place and I remember how to be in that place…Air! Air! I am breathing Air! That starts to change the dynamic. Those thoughts return but they are easier to push away. It changes the balance of my thoughts just enough that I can start to find those sane moments again. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t have to process the horror of what happened but I stop being a zombie and can begin that work.

    I hope that helps someone out there, who has just discovered they are now breating water. Much love.

    • My therapist said there’s a real reason for this: Focusing your energies on a specific task (kayaking, navigating a climbing route) shifts the blood flow away from the limbic brain (emotional reptile brain) and directs it to the cortex (logical intelligent brain). Helps me, too, especially on those days when I’m too far down a hole to see daylight, though I don’t usually attempt highly technical precise work on those days!

        • I think I have shared this before so I apologise if I have

          I have always feared drowning as I came close to doing so as a young child. Following D’Day and my daughters cancer diagnoses I stood one day hugging my other two children as we were all overwhelmed by emotion. I remember thinking I could just stop this pain if I don’t breath. The pain in my chest was excruciating. And I stood there for a few moments contemplating the possibility. Making the contious decision to take the next breath knowing the pain that was going to come with it was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I regularly found myself holding my breath and then needing to take a huge breath forcing my lungs open.

          Thankfully the pain is all but gone but I find I still hold my breath causing the need for a large intake and exhail which worries my son as he thinks I am sighing due to worry or upset. It is funny the unconscious habits we form through trauma.

          Drowning without water.
          This ^^^^****

  • I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this horrible stuff at the same time. You are right though, you are MIGHTY. I’m glad you can remember it and also keep your sense of humor at the same time. You are a treasure my dear. To yourself and to all of us. 2015 will be a great one after this $7000 bump. Go to Hawaii next year 🙂 xxoo

    • Thanks. Don’t feel too sorry for me. On the sewer, we went with the $2700 option – just fix the broken part of the pipe and not the whole line. And yes, next year CRUISE. Fuck it, there is an umbrella drink cocktail in my future.

  • CL,
    I feel your pain. If i could forward some giant cosmic enema I would. Seems you have had your quota of shit. And yet you chose to be brave and face it head on. Are u really that brave? I dont know if I could be. I have found strength in your posts and strength in the people who participate in this blog. But somedays, somedays I just want to say’ shove your glass half full , sunshiny optimism up all your asses’ when is ok to say ‘ uncle’ and today I am gonna allow myself to cry and feel sorry for myself. Cause some days I feel ‘ i am faking it until I make it’ but am I?
    I remember when DDay came. Simultaneously my child was diagnosed with a rare spinal cord problem ( no cure) and the funding was pulled from my job… Leaving me unemployed. I tried the lemons into lemonaide, and fucking rainbows from rain… But when is enough is enough? And do I get to ask that? Is it a higher power question? Or ‘ a series of unfortunate events? ‘
    Today I am not so brave. I am trying to embrace the new year with all the enthusiasm that i can muster… But i just dont feel it. How long can I wallow ? Or do I just need to put my big girl panties on, give myself a kick in the ass and eating fuckin rainbow pies?

    • Dear TheCLip,

      Some wallowing is allowable and, IMHO, even beneficial. Just don’t stay there in that abyss! THAT, my dear, is the difference.

      Sometimes, we can not ‘muster’ any enthusiasm. Our systems have ‘breakers’ that shut us down before we blow! Just go with the feelings, allow them to flow through and around, taste them, experience them. The saying: “What you resist, persists” seems to apply here. Remember, though, that is what they are—-FEELINGS!

      And feelings help us to identify which way to place our next steps. As I said, sometimes that step is to just veg out and chill for a bit. No one can be all sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time. Does not mean you become cruel or hateful or vengeful or go on a rampage. Just means you have to allow your self some rest…..physically, emotionally, mentally.

      “But when is enough is enough? And do I get to ask that? Is it a higher power question?”—-YES! You do get to ask that! Also IMHO, I do believe the best source of a solid, working answer is to ask our Creator the question. (And, yes, ask your fellow chumps. They have some awesome insight!)

      Our Creator has been answering similar questions for thousands of years. Many other loyal, faithful, compassionate people have been trampled on through out history and our Creator cares deeply about each and every individual situation! He has ‘been there / done that’ and knows how to help sincere ones navigate the horrors they face. Let him be brave for you.

      Read 1 Kings Chapter 19. Notice how God was individually concerned about how this honest man felt and how what he was dealing with was crushing him. He was amazingly strong one moment (see chapter 18) and crushed under the weight of it all the next. Notice that God did not belittle him for saying ‘It is enough!’

      Rather, he strengthened him to endure his situation, even giving him direction as to what to do next. Yes, it was a bit different, in that he was a prophet of God….However, the principle still applies: God is individually concerned about YOU! Many other such real-life examples are in the scriptures, as God wanted all humans to know he really does care for you! (1 Peter 5:6-11)

      Love to you, TheClip. God knows all you have experienced. So glad you are part of this fine family of caring ones!

      ForgeOn, TheClip…..ForgeOn!

      • There is a time to make rainbows for sure…there is also a time to just sit in the mud – get soaked – and howl. I come on here every day and love to hear from all of you whatever frame of mind you are in. Sometimes I am full of positive vibes/ pollyanna stuff but xmas day took me straight to the pits of hell and back. It is ok to feel how you feel and the beauty of this group is that we have all been there and will not judge you.
        From Mary in England I send you a big hug x

    • Oh honey, it’s okay to grieve. Losing your job is the Universe’s way of opening up a whole new path for you. Let yourself be guided.

      With regards to your child. My daughter was born with a heart defect that required surgical correction on day 3 of her life. There is valve in the heart that closes when a baby takes it’s first breathe of air after coming out of the womb. Hers didn’t and that’s what saved her life. Year after year, surgery after surgery(I quit counting them after she turned 7) That experience led me to a 23 year career in pediatrics. These kids are fighters. Ever see a 3 year old one week post op after open heart surgery? Mom and Dad are drained but the kid is literally bouncing off the walls and the furniture. Those kids taught me so much about life and living it. Let your child take the lead on this one. FYI, my daughter is 27 and her medical history doesn’t define her one bit. She forgets to tell new providers that she has a heart defect so they get quite a surprise the first time they listen to her heart.

      Have faith Clip..this isn’t the end. Nope, you are being propelled forward. In the future you will look back on this and say, Yep, if it wasn’t for this bad I wouldn’t be here appreciating all this good. Chumps honor!

      • Dearest Clip, You are surrounded here by people who care about you. You have just been given a gut kick… a terrible blow. It is ok to feel weak and to wallow… It is also ok to tell us all of your fears and worries. We will understand and we will hold you up. Do you have good friends? Do you have parents around you? Now is the time to lean on them and tell them the whole story, not the sugar coated one (I do that, never quite tell exactly how despicalble something is.. always a part of me thinking I deserve it or caused it. ) You did nothing to deserve any of this. So write us every day and we will look for you and respond and when this is over and you are breathing air again, and hearing the birds sing again, then pay it forward, because we are not the first or the last women who will face this terrible trauma and challenge. Much love.

        • Just feeling extra chumpy today. I was anticipating the New Year and had my goals written out… The ball drops… Whoop whoop its 2015… And my heart sank just like that ball but instead of the outburst I felt a squeeze in my chest( not Angina nor heartburn) that horrible pressure when the bottom falls out. All I could think was ‘ how long do I have to continue to be brave?’ When do I just get to live… Without fear… Without Idiots influence? I have another 6 years with his presence in my life… Whether I like it or not. And reshape that fucking ball or repaint that picture … He is still there. Perhaps it is I who needs the cosmic enema.
          I am here alone. Almost 15 years. My very large but poor family live in another country. Visits are rare and very expensive. I tried many times in my marriage to convince Idiot to move out of this shit hole town… But his whole family resides here. I came here at 33 on a work contract for a very large bonus and met Idiot. The town( its a large city) has never felt like home. Like a pair of shoes that never quite fit right. I have made wonderful friends , soccer moms, dance team and car pool buddies… But it aint home.
          Idiots family was my family and now I am cut off. They dont side with him… He has essentially laid the law down that I am not to be spoken to or included. And thru his lies has manipulated my ex inlaws. My ex sister in law( who I dont particularily like) has been the only one to keep in touch because of our children. I am thankful that i have access to my niece and nephew and enjoy time with them.
          Now Idiot and his tweeny boppers GF ( the affair partner who has recently turned 21 , they started the affair when she was19) live 6 blocks away. He frequently drives by… IMO to make a statement that he is still in the hood and runs the show around here. He purposely drives by slowly so i can catch a glimpse of the patrol car going by… The music plays in my head like a bad gang war movie. Its games and its unnerving.
          I am forbidden to meet tweeny bopper and he makes every effort to pick/ drop off our child so i cant meet her. Not that I want to.
          But he grills our kid to no end about where we have been but I cant meet someone that she lives with two days of the week.
          I have done my best to be NC… Which drives him nuts. Oh well fuck him.
          The days my child is away i sit in the unbearable silence and think 6 more years. Part of me is thankful that i only have one child but the other side of my resents sharing her at all. He never wanted children and after our one and only he made a point to stress that. I Tried for years to convince him to have another or to adopt but he squashed that dream. Now at close to 48 its just an old sore and i have to sit and wait while she returns from playing with her Dads tweeny bopper GF.
          Its not like I have a lack of things to do… Or no interests… I do everything from tennis to scuba. I snowboard, ski, snow shoe, windsurf, sail, mountain bike … And in my , cough cough .. youth was an adventure racer. I knit. I volunteer. I am a fucking soccer mom. I am attractive…and a catch… But i sit in the doldrums of my life right now.
          I suspect I am depressed…or PTSD. Or maybe I am Hangry? He is not my first rodeo. I suffered at the hands of another man in my 20’s and live to tell. Did therapy. Went to the mountain. The doctor. Read all the books. I should be a fucking expert at my life.
          Today its just hard to breath…not drowning… Just choking on the weight of it all. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it will bring me some relief. Just some days, like today I need to crawl under the covers. Don’ t want to be brave today. Don’ t want to be rescued. Dont want to burden my friends and family with the same story… Its getting old. And tick tick so am I. And I should get over it… Cause its not serving me well.
          So where does forgiveness start? In your head? Or in your heart?
          Thanks for listening.

          • TheClip, give yourself permission to NOT be brave. Be there for yourself. Feel the pain but don’t give it a story. Where does it hurt physically? Mine was always a heavy heart and there where times I felt I could not breathe. Feel it. You will not die even though you feel like you will. Tell yourself that this pain is real, it hurts. Be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion. In my journey, I have found that leaning into the pain, without giving it a story, helped. It will get better. Maybe not today but it will.

          • Dear TheClip,

            Perhaps that’s part of what keeps weighing on you….that forgiveness thing.

            He has done nothing to merit forgiveness. Totally inappropriate in this situation. You must, however, let go of what happened, just as you would let go of a burning object.

            Different than what many people mean when they talk about forgiveness. Even God does not forgive in certain situations; i.e., when the Israelite’s repeatedly broke their covenant with him… He finally cast them aside…..they were no longer his chosen people.

            But, God did not hold on to the pain, etc, that it caused him……he let it go and went on.

            This is sort of a simplistic explanation of what I am hoping to share with you & am not sure I am making sense. (Do not have time to expound on this thought right now. Have somewhere to be in a while.)

            Miss Sunshine posted a most excellent passage somewhere above this post. Go find it & perhaps some of her thoughts will help.

            Love to you…..

          • TheClip, your situation sounds dreadful — you have every reason to be angry.

            I’ve taken far too long to get to where I am today in my recovery from life with a cheater, but I’m finally feeling optimistic about my future. We all have different stories and different make-ups, so we can’t compare our recovery to anyone else’s.

            That said, in the last few months realized I was still holding on to far too much and it was time to release my grip on it. That’s what I’m working on now, because, as others have said here on CL, he’s not worth taking up all that space in my head. He really isn’t. And I was starting to become bitter, and I really do not want to be bitter.

            Forgiveness is an interesting and sometimes sticky subject in the lives of cheaters, but for you and for me we must really just forgive ourselves — our cheaters don’t deserve forgiveness. It’s my opinion that when we stop blaming ourselves and start admitting that we’re amazing, brave, and lovable people, we begin to finally move forward.

            It’s taken so long to get here, TheClip, and I will probably still have setbacks, but I can finally see that life is getting better.

            Your situation is truly a challenging one. You really, really need some sort of real life support system in your life. What are you doing or what can you do to make that happen?

            • I truly wanted to forgive my ex from the moment he left, but was pretty surprised at how impossible it was. What I’ve decided is to just keep moving forward and try to trust God/Universe that I’m on the right path. I do believe I was removed from a terrible situation that was going to do nothing but cause me more pain.

              It’s not my job to seek revenge or retribution, I give that up. I believe forgiveness will come when enough years have passed that I can see the bigger picture. So I move towards forgiveness, but don’t beat myself up that I haven’t completely forgiven yet. I’ve lived 55 years and can think back to events with people that were very painful as a child, but they are like ancient history and I no longer feel the pain from them. I just remember the lesson. The lessons also change over time, as I move through my life. One day I’ll look back on this event and it will be ancient history too.

              So don’t beat yourself up over not being able to forgive. It will come when you’re ready.

          • It would be a challenge to forgive someone who appears to be actively trying to make your life painful. So I would forget the forgiveness part and concentrate on NO CONTACT. Don’t talk to your daughter about X or Tweenie-Bopper. Don’t talk to your daughter about what her Dad asks her about you. Dry up that source of pestilence in your life. You’ve got her 5 days a week. Make every one of those moments count; make them about the two of you and about how both of you are growing into the women you want to be.

            If you are thinking about the past and what you’ve lost or looking ahead to 6 years of putting up with X’s bullshit, you are missing the present. This moment. That’s really all we have. A number of years ago, I hit some sort of big depression and went back into therapy. The therapist asked me to describe a moment in that recent past in which I felt happy. I recalled a moment when I left a used bookstore and walked out into the sunshine and felt–happy. Happy in that moment. She told me that our work would be to take that one moment and start stringing more and more of them together. So go back and recall a moment when you just felt happy, not because something beneficial to me happened but because I had somehow tapped into a well of happiness in me. The wren singing on the birdhouse. Walking to the garage on a cold clear night. Hearing the late Clarence Clemmons play sax. The smell of lavender. Practice being present, and alive in the moment. One moment at a time. That’s been the main focus of my recovery from DDay. That’s a lot more fruitful than forgiving someone who is still seeking to be connected to you in hurtful ways. Blessings to you. You give a lot to others here, and I surely appreciate your wit and your courage.

            • OK–cut and paste run amok. It should read, “So go back and recall a moment when you just felt happy, not because something beneficial to you happened but because you had somehow tapped into a well of happiness in yourself.” Sorry.

          • When I put STBX out he went to a hotel down the street. It was very unnerving, especially since his things hadn’t been moved out, and still came in and out of the house with little or no notice. I do believe it was another attempt at mindf***ing me. He also tries to get info from the kids about where I am or what I’m doing. As a result I tell them very little and it kind of feels dishonest. Like I can’t fully share myself in an attempt to keep STBX out of my business. But my question is, why is he trying to be in my business? Didn’t he want that whore? I filed for divorce, so now he’s free to be with her. Why so concerned about me (and your ex with you)?

            • Its control. And he feels entitled to it. I too feel dishonest when i dont share the details of our day or weekend until its upon us. Otherwise he finds ways to be at the location… Or will grill our child to no avail. ‘ who’s there, who did u guys go with, did you guys go alone? ‘ its a daily chore for my kid. She has chosen her own method of dealing with him… She has now learned to lie and omitt. Thanks Dad!
              I tell her NOTHING is a secret and I discourage the lying. She is a tween and is forming her own ideas on how to handle it and I call her on it when I catch her. We are working on it. I have discussed this with Idiot but not surprisingly it falls on deaf ears. And his eloquent reply of ‘ fuck you, I will ask MY daughter anything I want’
              And i dont get why he still wants to be in my life… All he told me was how I sucked and how he wanted theyears of our life behind him. I was the brick that was drowning him and she ( the tweeny bopper understood him)
              Yet… There he is. I figure tweeny is not all that and a bag of chips…or she is just naive and dumb as a box of rocks and therefore easily manipulated. Dont care. I wish she would amp up her game and keep him more occupied… She aint doing her job anymore. And she doesnt see the game. She feels she won… But she has no idea how involved he tries to remain in my life. I am sure he tells her its because of our child.
              I did mention he is a cop… And works in the area that I work in. He has constant vigilance over me. I say have at it… Where am i going? Soccer practice… Walmart…i am doing ‘ mom’ stuff… Knock your self out following that boring trail. I wouldnt be surprised if he had some device mounted on my car. He was an undercover agent and worked reconnaissance in the military( he is a scary mother fucker) and thats the funny part… What the hell am I doing? My life consists of getting our kid to school,pratice and home to eat 5 days a week. Nothing new… Same ole life … Just without him.
              He holds our kids phone hostage when she is there. So i stopped contacting her while she is with him. Had a heart to heart with her about it. And it way too stressful for her to ask him for her phone. Last month while she was on a school trip… He showed up here thinking i had a man here. Our neighbor asked if her son could park his car in our double drive cause they had family over for a week and didnt have room… Well crazy cop shows up here banging on my doors and windows screaming’ dont do this to me! ‘ in a total rage. The neighbors came out and he retreated to his car… But stayed out there for 40 mins texting me all kinds of craziness. I pretended not to be home… He finally went home. What i should have done is got my phone out and video taped him… Then sent it to Tweeny. Or you tube. Mother fucker.
              Everytime he picks up our child… He threatens to keep her… Not return her home… Invent some story that i wasnt there or intoxicated. Says ‘ he knows people’ …. It goes on and on and on. He tried to take the goddamn dog. Luckily she hid from him.
              I figured its gonna go one of two ways… He will either burn out… Or actually do something. So I remain prepared. Emergency numbers on Speed dial, a dailly journal, saved texts and met with the STATE police dept regarding him. He works for the city and i have no doubt would have enough pull to have someone erase the complaint or file.
              Do i feel powerless? Yes , at times I do. And stuck. So i try and make my home a safe place.
              I had the house blessed. Anointed the doors and windows. Medicine man came in and smudged. I have aligned all my ducks… I just need faith that i have done all that I can to protect myself and our child. Thats all i can do.
              I have thought about hiring a ‘ heavy’ to kick his ass… But Karma is a fickle bitch.
              My thoughts are with you. Being brave is hard. And mentally exhausting… The hypervigilance is exhausting and no way to live. I am trying to make a normal life …and it hard to live authentically when u are guarded.
              So if i gotta eat rainbow pies everyday… And shit skittles… I will. It dawned on me late last night that the ‘ faking it until I make it… And the sunshiny optimism’ is much easier to choke down ( and eventually will turn that frown upside down) than living in a cess pool of shit and lies… Cause I have been choking down shit sandwhiches for awhile… Time for a diet change. Only rainbow pies from now on.

      • Dear Chumpy,

        “Ever see a 3 year old one week post op after open heart surgery? Mom and Dad are drained but the kid is literally bouncing off the walls and the furniture.” Yes, I have!

        ‘Tis so true, even though my son was 4 when he had his open-heart surgery (Thank you Dr. Denton Cooley & Texas Children’s)

        These little ones can finally function properly, get the oxygen and blood to the correct places….finally! So, they are raring to go! For my son, not as dicey as for your little girl. We were able to wait until age 4, and it was a ‘once n done’. It was VSD, size of a dime. Beautiful surgical team! (I understand they now repair VSD through catherization, using an ‘umbrella’-type patch. WOW! No open-chest necessary!)

        Took some time after surgery to build his stamina & his muscles, especially his leg muscles, as prior to surgery could only walk or do any activity for short periods of time. But, once he was past that fairly short recovery period, he has lived to the full, played hard, worked hard and is strong as an ox! (He’s 29 now….and a very precious son)

        Such a good way to remind us that once we can finally function properly, (cheaters gone) our lives can be limitless. Takes some time to build our stamina and our ‘muscles’, but we can do it.

        Do not let the cheaters and the damage they inflicted define us, define the rest of our lives. Seems to come so naturally for a child who overcomes a defect or accident of some sort. So much harder when it is our ‘heart’ and emotions that have been assaulted! However, so many chumps posting here are living proof that IT CAN BE DONE!

        Thanks for sharing. Hope TheClip is as encouraged by you comments as I am!

        ForgeOn, all!

    • TheClip — I’m not nearly as mighty as most of the people here. I served a very light sentence. The only reason I cram the glass half full of sunshine at you all daily is that I’m bitter. I wanted there to be just ONE place on the internet that supported people leaving cheaters.

      It’s pigheadedness, really. (You want fake sunshine? Check out the unicorn My Marriage Is Stronger Thanks to Infidelity sites.)

      This shit is a marathon. If you need to wallow for a bit, wallow. Just don’t stay there.

      • Right after dday, when I told one of my close friends what had happened and taht my ex was leaving me, she was giving me divorce advice. She said that it would be a marathon. I thought she meant the divorce. I eventually realized…she meant ALL of it, the whole recovery…it IS a marathon…a really long one. I am so thankful that chump nation is here and that people here share wisdom and encouragement for the journey…

      • Bitter taste good when it is served up with a side of ‘ fuck u , you intolerable sack of shit’
        This site has been a god send to me. I am sorry that u had to suffer to bring us these insites and support. I thank you for the platform to bare my soul… And to cuss like a side street whore… Very cathartic.

        • TheClip,
          TRUTH. I feel the same way. Thank God for this site. I literally found it on the day stbx broke into my home, terrorized our 4 children and me, and went to jail for domestic violence. This is a marathon, and I am so damned tired already. This has been an awful day for me. That’s what I get for thinking I dodged a bullet because Christmas just glided by……

      • CL; it is funny you said the word bitter because I am reading all the posts on this line, someone used the word “better, and I read it as “bitter.” As I read the sentence back to myself I thought it was funny & kind of profound (maybe not?) that bitter & better aren’t that far apart. They are one letter away. Like Hell & heal. Just a slight turn. And stay the course.
        Thanks for everything

      • I am not responsible for the things that fly outa my mouth! But that one is kinda good… Please feel free to use it! I think its very fitting for this site… Metaphysically and metaphorically. The high cleansing colonic we all need to get rid of the shit in our lives.

    • The Clip: You have reason to feel bad, and trapped, and angry. Own it for awhile, then take a small step out of it. Swear like a sailor. Draw pictures of your X run over by a Mack truck. Draw his face on a balloon and pop it. You get the picture….do whatever it takes to make you feel better (that’s legal, or at least make sure you can’t get caught). Your hatred is valid, but only give it a certain percentage of your day. Then ask what you can do for YOURSELF today. Start small (candlelit bubble bath), and work bigger. Whatever you do, find a support system for yourself-book club, hiking club, mother’s day out program that you can look forward to once a week.

      Given your X’s violence, is there any way to get more freedoms connected to custody and move out of that crappy place populated by fucktard’s inbred relatives?

      Sending positive thoughts your way, friend.

  • Happy 2015 all! Hell yeah! This year will be better than the last 4! CL – special thank you to you. Hugs to your father! Your sewage issue will work. Everything works out one way or another. Much love to you and Chump Nation. So glad I am here among all of you!!!!!

  • Why do the pipes always break on a HOLIDAY??? I, too, have recently had a much lesser degree of household aggravation, involving a 60-year-old pipe trying to be hooked to a brand new washing machine (old one broke 2 weeks before Christmas — no WAY they can install it before the holiday!), wouldn’t go, so I had to call a plumber (NYEve). And a dishwasher that broke on Thanksgiving. And a $2000 car repair. Ugh.

    But my family is healthy and the dogs aren’t teenagers, so I’m grateful. — Wishing you as rapid and painless a recovery as possible, CL. The seven grand? Ouch.

    And, Get Over It? Yep. Hard to do some days, but, Yep nonetheless. To paraphrase Nietsche: If you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss stares back.

    Sometimes I think it’s the sheer volume and variety of opportunity now available to me that actually paralyzes me. No husband, no kids, a bit of money… I could do almost ANYTHING (the dogs keep me from my dream of moving to France, at least for a little while). So, where to start? What do I ACTUALLY want??

    Life’s not fair. I think sometimes we just forget.

      • Having been lucky enough to travel through France several times, I can confidently say one of my dogs is quite French, and the other … ummm… is not. A greyhound-pointer mix, she’s really a spaz, not very smart and very difficult to train (I’m a vet with a specialty in behavior, so I kinda know what I’m up against). BUT, I want her to have a good life, so I’m trying to make decisions for our future that are best for all parties involved. So far, Oregon leads the list.

  • Sending you prayers and positive thoughts, CL. Thanks for the reminder that we need to soldier on. I think I’ve been having too much of a pity party for myself lately (not just about the ex but about other things in my life), and I seriously need to get over it. It’s having a negative impact on my health, so it obviously isn’t getting me anywhere. Here’s to 2015: the year we get over it!

  • Oh Tracey that really sucks about your Dad. I lost my Dad to a very rare lymphoma. In 2008 he had lung cancer that was removed. 2009 he had colon cancer and the surgeon told me he didn’t remove all of his colon because he knew my Dad could not handle a colostomy. (I remember the medical team being in awe of him because he just kept fighting.) Anyway, he was the 50th person in the world with that type when he died February 2010 a month after diagnosis. His oncologist had wanted him to go to a center where they were doing clinical trials and Dad said, “Nope”. He hung on long enough to see his sister one more time and had pneumonia when she got there. He went out to eat with her and her husband that night and no one would have suspected how ill he was by his actions and his appetite, LOL! His Hospice RN was blown away when she showed up the next day. I know part of me has his fighter spirit in me. I found out after he died that he was ready to go the year before. His minister took me aside before the funeral and told me the story. Dad had told him he was tired but my Mom made him promise not to go until after she left because she didn’t want to live without him. (She passed away June 2009.) They had been married almost 60 years. He really loved my Mom.

    No Tracey your sewer problem is not a metaphor for bad this time. Do you know why? This time you have a husband standing and fighting next to you, not with you or against you. Your sewer will be repaired and will provide you with many years of service…flushing crap out! This is a sign that although some “shit” will happen it won’t linger so um go with the flow, LOL!

    So here’s to 2015! Love my peeps here in Chump Nation even though we’ve never met, Time to kick some ass! XOXOXO Chumpy

  • Tracy, very sorry yesterday was not a good day for you; and especially sorry to hear about your Dad. This seems a good day to thank you for starting this blog and turning it into a place where Chumps can go for the kind of support we really need, with no veneer of bullshit. I know you have been thanked many times but I don’t think I have added mine as yet.

    My 2015 will start off well as my divorce hearing is finally here (late next week) and I can take a deep, deep breath. I see my divorce as an open door and this blog has helped give me the insight to see it that way. “Thanks” will never convey what I have gained from you and all the amazing, strong, caring people here, but it is said from the bottom of my heart.

  • So sorry about your dad Tracy. prayers for you all.

    Well, my new husband and I (along with assorted teens from our new blended family), woke up to a broken gas furnace and are awaiting emergency Holiday service (at time and a half plus a steep up front payment) for service. And it’s fucking cold here in Pennaylvania, But it’s worth it, the kids are healthy if not annoying and the cheater is still……gone. Happy 2015!

  • Sorry chump lady. That does sound like an epically bad day you had yesterday! Still you make a blog post and find a way to make us all smile! Thanks for all you do.

    I am so sorry about your dad and about your pneumonia! I wish you both a speedy recovery and I just know that your husband will be there to take care of you and help you through these trying days.

    Happy New Year to you, your family and all of chump nation! I wish the best 2015 for all of us!

  • Hi Tracy, as with all the other posts here, I send my deepest sympathies to you in regard to your dear father. Do take care of your own health and wrap yourself in cotton wool for a while, and what can I say about the sewer issue?? Expensive yes, but it will be fixed.
    I have said thank you, to you before but I truly and sincerely mean it. Until I stumbled upon this site I don’t think I could have been any lower. I have come so far with your help and that of the Chumps who visit here often. I really don’t know if I would be this far along the path to meh is it wasn’t for you and everyone else here. My very best thoughts and wishes to everyone moving forward with their new lives. I am feeling so strong now even though I do go backwards now and again. Here is to a fantastic 2015 and beyond for all of us.

  • Dear Tracy, I’m very sorry to hear about your dad and hope the next round of chemo does its job for him.

    You write, “The pain is finite. Don’t choose it. Don’t keep reliving it. Infidelity does NOT define you. It’s no measure of your soul, of your worthiness and lovability.”

    I needed to hear that today. I have been choosing it, reliving it, letting it define me and my worthiness and lovability.

    I’m ready to move on now. 2015 is the year I get serious and take my life back — or really, have a life for the first time in my life. My goals are to begin the divorce as soon as I can because I hate that I am still tied to him this way. I will get a job. I will move out of my parent’s house (God bless them for taking me in), I will find new friends, turn to God, my therapist, and this website for strength.

    It is the appropriate time for me to “get over it” now because any more wallowing and he’d be the winner and I’m not going to let him be the winner.

    Last night at 12:01 a.m. he texted me, “Happy 2015” and you know what I did? Absolutely nothing.

    I love you, Tracy, and all my fellow chumps. Thank you for your patience. My life would be worse without you in it.


  • ML, if anyone is going to succeed in putting their life back on track, it is you. Block your ex from your mobile as it is one more problem you are facing. Get rid of any contact with him completely. Much love and best wishes for 2015 ML. You are already mighty but keep on keeping on being mightier. xo

  • Thank you! This post is so empowering. What a great perspective for the New Year!

    This, in particular, struck me:
    “Reconciliation is fine if you just want to survive. To limp along. To endure. I’m not convinced anyone every really gets over it when they stay married to a cheater. Seems like an endless buffet of shit sandwiches if you ask me.”
    This is exactly what I did for 22 years. My first DDay was six weeks into our marriage at the naive age of 23. All I wanted was to hang on to my fairy tale, so I spackled like crazy. He told me many times that I was taking too long to get over it, and that I would probably “hold this over his head for the rest of his life”. So I stuffed all of the hurt and emotions deep down and went on with the ruse. Problem with that is that he got away with it once and it was oh so easy to do it again and again…

    It took me a very long time to figure out who/what I was dealing with. Finally came to my senses,and some days I feel like an idiot for staying this long, but in my heart I know that I wasn’t strong enough yet to leave and stand up for myself. But I am strong enough now, and I feel like a new person, being free from all of that mess. 2015 will be awesome! Thank you CL and Chump Nation!

    • Hey Drama, I could have written your post. Except my first dday was 1.5 years into the marriage, I moved out and 1.5 years later at the “should have been wiser age of 34” took him back because “I loved him.” God how stupid I feel to write that!

      I feel like a new person too; actually I’m feeling like my old, before I met him person who was mighty but thought they needed a man person. No more. I am also free of his mess of a pathetic, narc existence – which is now the problem of the OW and soon to be fourth wife. Good riddance!

    • Raises hand. Count me in. First D-Day was three years into the marriage. Stayed another 23. Best part? Out for a year and a half and all that matters is that I am now cheater-free and living authentically. I feel clean.

  • Thank you for this, I’ve just started to “come back to life”. The devastation that cheating causes flat out sucks! Realizing that another persons behavior does not define you is an awakening. Happy New Year fellow chumps may this be a year of new and wonderful things for all of us!

  • Happy 2015 everyone, and thank you for your kind words yesterday…..they were much appreciated. These days, the two hard days a year seem to be the day my son was taken (and probably killed) and his birthday. Time does heal the hurts….used to be days on end. I especially appreciate Tracy for taking time out of your day of trials to be so sweet. Thank you Tracy! I’m keeping both you and your dad in my prayers.

    Every once in a while there seems to come into our lives ….a day or so of shit storms. You know, that day when everything we touch seems to go to hell in a hand basket. What helps me is to take a deep breath, shake myself, and mentally start the day over. Then I turn it over to Spirit after which I take another deep breath and wade into whatever most urgently needs doing in front of me. I do the best I can with that to the extent possible, and then move on to the next thing I need to deal with in front of me. This helps me in two ways…..first it keeps me moving rather than stuck in the shit storm, and takes my mind off of it. The second benefit is that when I do as much of the footwork as I can….. I am laying the matrix for a miracle. When I quit trying to control the situation and turn it over to spirit, it leaves the way open for Spirit to open doors I didn’t even know existed. I do the footwork and leave the results up to Spirit. It is amazing what can happen when we get out of the way.

    Sending out wishes for a peaceful, happy and prosperous new year…..blessings, to all of you!

    • That post is beautiful, precious Tessie….Blessings back at you!

      Most of us here did not loose a child in death at the hands of the cheater. So, for you to share that deepest of tragedies with all of us….well, I am humbled to be part of a group you feel bonded to enough to share that pain.

      “Pain shared is halved” or so they say.

      Hope it is true for you. Today and every day….

    • Tessie, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Your compassion shines through your post. Thank you.

    • “It is amazing what can happen when we get out of the way.”

      Tessie, this is so true. What a good reminder that we can only do our best, then step out of the way and have faith that things will work out. Thanks for sharing your experiences here. You are a true inspiration!

  • DramaFreeMe, my Dday was a very long time ago too… I was 26, I am now 59. I spackled and speckled and got tired, and raised three kids with very little help from him and a lot of undermining from him. I don’t know if he ever cheated on my again. He had plenty of opportunity because he traveled often for work but it didn’t matter, he had found other ‘mistresses’ work and watching TV, listening to podcasts ad nauseum.

    On the day of my oldest daughters college graduation, he was screaming, “I hate this fucking family” because we were not getting on the road fast enough to suit him. I was done, stick a fork in me, I am done… Told the kids that fall one by one I was leaving him. We spent two fruitless years year therapy, with someone who called his verbal abuse and rages, ‘flooding’ (I kid you not. What the hell is flooding?) with a therapist who just shrugged off the time he tried to kill me. On Dec 19, our divorce became final, I am changing the locks, I am surrounding myself with wonderful people, who reciprocate my love and attention and effort for them.

    I am working hard to remember the girl I was and what she wanted before I let his disordered, lazy ass self into my life… And besides going to Bermuda to hang with my merry band of cuzzies, I am going to Burning Man… Woohoo!

    The other thing I am doing is being very selective about the people I let into my life. There is this guy who has a crush on me… but he is very emotionally volatile, I can see it… Before I might have let him into my world because I thought I might be able to help him… Not now Baby… not now… I would rather live the rest of my life flat out alone on a desert island talking to a volleyball than spend one moment tied in any way to a nutty man.

    We live… we learn ps has anyone taken the name chumpacabra? I might want to change mine. 🙂

    • Ringing, congratulations on your divorce being final! I just looked up Burning Man and how cool is that?? Might need to add that to my bucket list!

    • What kind of a therapist shrugs off a murder attempt, holy crap! God bless you for moving on finally and all your wisdom and your spunk!

    • OMG, Burning Man – I thought about it last year but I know I couldn’t deal with the sand in everything and I haven’t got the bucks to set myself up with a decent lodging, if you do have those bucks I’d go with!

    • “I would rather live the rest of my life flat out alone on a desert island talking to a volleyball than spend one moment tied in any way to a nutty man.”

      I like your style, RIOMOB, that made me laugh out loud!

  • Tracy, so sorry you are going through one of those times in which (to quote Texan Pat Green) “troubles pile up big in our own backyard.” You’ll get through all of the (literally) crappy stuff, including pneumonia and teenage craziness, but sending prayers and best wishes for your father’s recovery. And happy New Year to all Chumps everywhere. May we know our own mightiness.

  • Hi Tracy,

    I really hope you are able to care for yourself. I can imagine that it is draining to write on infidelity, even in the life-affirming, de-centering-the-cheater, shining-a-bright-light-on-love-and-sanity way you do. It takes a lot of energy to go against the social norm of “cheating is another way of being human—is inevitable–is caused by bad relationships—-is not to be judged—is sexy and righteous” global culture. That’s a lot of badass fight you have!

    I appreciate what you do each day to give space for those of us “chumped” to express our experiences and understand that we do not have to be silenced, but can grow voices to better our own small worlds. You have created a language that really echoes a deep truth in so many of us. That is really huge.

    Please take care of your health and happiness. Cheating is such shit, perhaps you need more breaks? Are your plumbing problems the result of being daily in the topic of the shittiest? (that is the destruction cheating assholes leave in their wake) Probably not, you have a 100 year old home! That’s old. Worth it for its beauty and cozy charm, but your home will need a rehab session now and then. (I have been a renter among renters all my life, so I have no idea what I am talking about, but it seems to me that a 100 year old home will need work, ANYWAY). So your plumbing crap is probably not related to the carp of cheating. But who knows?

    You are definitely needed. Perhaps YOU need some way to free yourself to take care of YOU more. What do you do for pneumonia? Rest, liquids, chicken soup, de-stress, meds? You have helped me so much. all I can offer is please do what you need to get well.

    Your father sounds like a good dad. I am sorry for his health decline. I wish him the best of health for many many more good years with your family. It is so hard to see a loved one ill. I am really rooting for him.

    My son is only seven so I can’t talk about the hellish teenage years. I am hoping to be spared. I know, hopium ; ).

    That you for the reminder to mightily let go. I got my Jewish divorce today. It is an abusive system, but with meaning that detaches me from NOW ex! I did it through rabbinic proxy which means I made a rabbi (about 70 year old male with a long white beard) my agent to receive the get for me. I left and then cheater arrived to have the get written and give to bearded white rabbi to “release me”. It made it better that would not have to be engaged in this ritual with cheater because it is degrading (the husband frees the wife to be with other men! In my case with cheater it is an outright travesty). I can speak more about why I decided to do this via proxy, in short, the ritual was important for my family and it is another way of separating my soul and destiny from cheater. I got to speak my truth during the process and it felt respectful. I do feel freer and less encumbered by the past with him.

    2015 will be a much better year indeed.

    Warmly and with great regard,


    • Devorah, Not understanding about Jewish law, did you get a civil divorce too? Or is a Jewish divorce all you need as well. 2015 will be a great year!

      • The civil divorce is separate from any religious divorce, and is the “real” divorce in terms of civil law. Without it taxes, wills, finances and other marriage laws are in place. It is the more complicated to come to agreement in terms of child custody and financials. I am working on that and hopefully will be civilly divorced in 2015!

  • my water heater is broken today. i am so sick and tired of fighting, of struggling, of being strong. so last year i started the new year crying (because husband didnt come home and i kicked him out) and this year i start the new year crying because i am so sick and tired of things going wrong. i can not do this by myself. i am tired of doing all this by myself. no. i dont want cheater, lying, spineless Xh to come back but damn it i cant do it by myself. i do not believe a woman should or can live life alone. there are just some thing that you need a man to do. there are just some things that a woman needs a man to take care of. i am tired. i give up. i have no more fight in me.

    i was so looking forward to 2015 to come. to have a new start. a fresh start. i had a good outlook on life last night at midnight. i had a good list of things to do. only to be blindsided by yet ANOTHER issue that a woman can not handle by herself, to be reminded that a single woman in life CAN NOT do it by herself. i hate asking people for help. i do not have enough money to pay someone to do it. and i can not fix it by myself ( i know how, got an idea but am physically unable to do it, mentally to tired of even try anymore)

    so 2015 is going to be another messed up year. i am going to struggle all thru this year, just like i did last year and the year before that. i never used to get down over broken heaters and water heaters. it used to be just a fact of life. now those types of things kill me. they get me so down that i almost stop functioning.

    i used to try to be positive. i used to think God had a plan for me. that something good would come out of all my struggling as long as i kept doing the right thing. but then again, i also used to think that God wouldnt give you more then you can handle. But i am well past my breaking point. no heat last week during the coldest night of the year. and now no hot water on this first day of the year.

    i give up. what am i fighting for anyway? what is the use? why should i fix the windows, clean up the mess and struggle every day to do the right thing? it is not getting me any where anyways. maybe i should be more like Xh and just let everything go? go move in with someone and let someone else worry about these things. i am not even existing much less thriving. i definitely am not see the benefit of having XH out of the house, if he was here he would be taking care of the water heater. i think i could have or should have dealt with his lying, hiding, sneaking, drinking and cheating to have hot water and heat. i cant say what is worse, having everything in the house break down or being alone while married. no i am still alone and dont have any way to fix anything. not an improvement in my world really. so much for gaining a life huh. i am throwing in the towel and going back to bed to bury my pain. nothing to look forward to in the new year now.

    • mrsvain, you are my hero that has residential custody!!! Ask someone the help you and fix the damn heater after your nap. Someone will do it and if they won’t raise the money to pay someone to do it. I bless you that 2015 will be your banner year, waterheater breakdown and all. You are not alone.

    • Sorry you’re having a rough go of it. Something about being down and then a major appliance goes and it’s all just Too Much. (Do water heaters conspire?) I don’t know how your heater will resolve itself, but look, it’s okay to ask for help. I would never, ever have survived single parenthood without asking for a LOT of help. (And trying to give it back too — but I definitely called in favors.) It’s okay — reach out.

      • It can feel like the last straw for sure…no man…not even hot water. When he first walked out I had a terror of what would happen if my car/boiler/anything broke…what if I had a flood? Who would deal with it if an intruder broke in at night?
        Thank God that has not happened yet but I managed to replace my car without help, fixed my cooker on my own and called ina male friend who managed to re start my 28 year old boiler so, for today, I have hot water. It might pack up tomorrow of course.
        You are cold and weary and scared…you want to be cherished and looked after…we all did. Listen to the words of I Will Survive…you will xxx

    • Dear MrsVain, When my XH left, he left the front door without a doorknob and a functional lock. The door just swung wide open. I had to slide a chair next it to keep it closed. He left a stove that didn’t function and the dishwasher was kaput and the washing machine crapped out shortly there after. I have never dealt with any of that stuff… but I did it. I bought a newer stove from craigslist $200, a new dishwasher, a used dryer from Craigslist and new washer. Now is the time that you rely on friends and promise yourself that when it gets better and it will, you will pay it forward.

      Women have been living great lives without men forever… find a handyman that you can trade out something, like cooking or vegetables, or something. Actually, what I have found is that I like home projects. Youtube, is a goldmine of resources. I put in a new garbage disposal just before Christmas. Please forgive my being sexist here, but if you watch the men who do many of these jobs, they are not rocket scientists, they are just not intimidated by these jobs. The way I figure it, anything a man can do I can do with a youtube video. I bet you can put in a water heater by yourself with a little help from a girl friend. It is not rocket science. Until you get it fixed, you can boil water on the stove. Women were doing this for thousands of years.

      Another thing you can do is call your association of general contractors, or the local rotary or kiwanis. These are great people who are looking for a chance to help. They might know someone who could help you, especially if you are low income. The association of general contractors is often looking for a project to train people on. Also try looking for a Restore, that is the used building material and appliances thrift shop for Habitat for Humanity. Or how about Habitat for Humanity. They don’t just build new housing. They work on regular housing. Lastly, there are goverment programs to help with winterizing. Call the community service department of your town and ask about Low Income Support. There are people out there who want to help. Have a good cry… you deserve it, and then get on the phone and start calling people. Much love.

    • Msvain, don’t give up. I figured out how to reset my water heater by looking it up on youtube. That might be all you have to do, turn off the breaker and hit the reset, turn breaker back on. I got another 2 months out of my water heater before I had to have someone replace it.

      That’s not really the issue though. Don’t give up and don’t you dare tell me there are things only a man can do. My ex didn’t do jack shit, I had to hire people if I couldn’t do it myself. Depression lies, don’t believe it. Call your therapist, talk it out. Jedi Hugs! and 2015 WILL get better

    • MrsVain,

      I think I understand. I went through a lot of fear, especially in the first few years alone in my house with my kids. When something would break down or go wrong, it wasn’t just the one thing on the table in front of me. That thing became a symbol for everything that had, could, or might go wrong. It was overwhelming. For me, the culminating event was after my boiler died in January, and I had to heat my 2000sf house with a wood stove. Then one cold (-30F-ish) night the gasket failed on my woodstove. And I felt helpless, afraid, and over my head. Not because of that one thing, but because of everything, and I felt like a failure, that it was my job to keep my house warm and my kids safe, and I was blowing it, and that yes, if I was male, I’d know how to do this.

      I got on a forum for people who heat with firewood, and found someone who talked me down from the ledge, who helped m through the night as I went through all the steps in as difficult a manner as possible. Finally, about 1 a.m., I had the door back on and a fire going, and it felt amazing. A day or two later I was thanking that person, and found out that my benefactor was a she. I thought that was kinda funny! Even funnier, I had to do it again a few weeks ago. It took almost no time this time, because now I knew how–how to get the door off, how to evaluate whether the channel needed to be ground out (“Nope, looks fine!”), etc. And it didn’t have to carry the weight of symbolically representing everything else I needed to do.

      Last night I noticed that the igniter on the stove top was clicking. I took the top off, checked it out, and played with it a bit. And into my head crept the thought, “If my husband were here, he could deal with this.” And then I remembered how much that would cost. He’d be freaking out in his own way. Yelling, fussing, complaining. Making noise and breaking things in the process of trying to fix things. I then remembered the year that my oven died a few days before Thanksgiving, and remembered that I was able to find the part I needed and replace that, rather than paying for expensive repairs. I thought of the internet, and realized I might be able to find some info about the igniter, and decided to deal with it today. Looked up info, realized it had probably gotten damp when the soup boiled over, and it’s stopped clicking on its own. All without a husband in the house.

      If you’re going to live in a house, rather than an apartment, you’re going to have things that need repairs, replacements, and maintenance. If that’s too much, you may be better off getting rid of the house and living in an apartment or rental where someone else has responsibility for getting things taken care of. No shame in that. Just a realistic decision about where you want your energy to go.

      There are some things that take a lot of strength to do, and generally men are bigger and stronger then women. There are division-of-labor patterns that a lot of couples fall into that just work for them. But those things don’t mean that you can’t be successful as a single parent. You can. Lots of men and women have been.

      I remember talking to my boss about this. He said when he was newly single, he thought it was harder for men to be single parents because of all the things that they didn’t know how to do. “Like changing out a toilet?” I asked him. He said he never thought about it from that point of view.

      You have been through the hardest thing that any parent could ever face, and you are surviving and still being a mom to your sons. Compared to what you’ve faced, a hot-water heater is small potatoes. For today, you can heat water on a stovetop and mix it with cold water in a tub so everyone can bathe if they need to. You can heat water up to wash dishes. You can get through today. Your boys need you to show them how to be strong in adversity.

      Get on the internet and start researching hot water heaters. It might not need to be replaced, could just need a simple fix. Even if you have to pay a repairman (or woman) you’ll be better off if you know more about it. Remember that people lived for thousands of years without these, so having it go down is not going to stop life from happening. It’s a convenience, not a necessity.

      Tomorrow, when businesses are open, you can try to solve this problem. This is not everything you’re facing, it’s just one thing, the hot water heater. Have you cleaned it out? They need to be drained out and rinsed every couple of years, or you get sediment built up in the bottom. To do that, you hook a hose to it, turn off the heating element (switch is usually right on the front if it’s electric), run the hose out the door, and start running water through (takes about twenty minutes to get all the sand and grit out of the bottom). A nice task for a summer day.

      If this one is beyond fixing, resolve to do that with the next one so it lasts longer. Eventually, all systems need to be replaced or repaired. It’s just the way things work.

      If you are absolutely without resources for repairs or replacement, consider reaching out for help to your community. Is there a church that has an outreach to single parents? Is there an organization that helps with winterization or heating costs? Do you have friends that can help? You are not alone in a wilderness. You live in a society with a network of support around you. You have to be resourceful now, and be strong, and reach out to find a way to solve this. You are not a victim. You are an intelligent, capable person. You can get through this.

      • Enough, this is brilliant: ““If my husband were here, he could deal with this.” And then I remembered how much that would cost.” My Ex was a contractor by trade and established total control over the house and all its systems…I knew nothing about where anything was or how it worked, let alone how to fix it when it broke… . I, too, freaked out about “manning” the place and getting it done. Not only have I found reliable friendly and affordable contractors by word of mouth, but every time I do, I revel in the fact that the cost of hiring people to do these jobs is way LESS than the “free” work he did while he was freeloading from me and complaining and playing the martyr and victim over everything he did around here. So much cheaper, in terms of emotional cost, to just hire someone.

    • MrsVain….see u under the covers… I called today quits too. Tomorrow , tomorrow, I love ya… Tomorrow… Your only 8 mother fucking hours away!

    • MrsVain –

      We have all felt overwhelmed at one time or another. Sometimes a good nap will get us back into perspective. Maybe it takes a day or two.

      I will tell you that with one baby step at a time you can overcome the feeling of “helplessness”. Begin by asking for help from the local hardware store or plumber who will take payments. Your local churches, a relative, friend, neighbor or UTUBE how to fix or remedy. But YOU have to do the asking.

      I learned how to light a pilot on a water heater, put in filters for heaters, fix a leaking faucet, all from youtube and great guys at my local hardware store who were happy to help. When I could hire someone I had them show and tell me everything they did. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but I was amazed at what I could comprehend and do myself the next time.

      Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. Sometimes we need that down day. We have to pull ourselves out from under those covers because nothing gets done that needs to be done when we stick our head in the sand and keep it there.

      Basic living essentials trumps pride for getting things done.

      There are resources in your area that can help you with this. If you call the GAS Company, they will come and relight the pilot.

      Come on girl, you can do it.

      Baby steps…

    • MrsVain, I’ve been exactly where you are. The Jackass was Mr. Brilliant in all things home and automotive. There was nothing he couldn’t fix, install, remodel, or solve. Except a relationship with a human being, but I digress. He found 6 or 7 huge expensive problems with my house–things that would require thousands of dollars to fix, even if I did them myself, which of course I could not do. And when I did try things myself, I tortured myself–TORTURED MYSELF–that I couldn’t do anything up to his standards.

      In between Jackass’s vanishing act and the actual DDay where I found out about the MOW, I discovered gas leaks in my basement. The heat was off for 6 days in November while the plumbers fixed the lines (2 days) and we waiting for the gas company to check things. No heat. No hot water. No stove. No dryer. Then the gas company insisted on a certified electrician coming out…another day. I had carpenter ants. My cat got lymphoma and spent a week in cat ICU before she died. And then the polar vortex came and a pipe burst in the basement. The car battery died. Etc. I It was 37 below with the wind chill and I was totally over-matched. But I got through it. And you will too.

      1. First, you need help. Get over not asking for help. When other people need help and you can give it, you do. So be properly humble and allow others to help. If you belong to a church or work in a big office building, ask your pastor or the building manager who does maintenance for them. Those people are often willing to moonlight to make a few dollars. (See below.)
      2. Make a list of smart people whom you can call to ask about whether something might be fixable by an amateur or require an expert. This is a huge help and can save lots of $$$ on “house calls.”
      3. Get a home warranty. It will cost you about $500 a year and you can pay it monthly. Then if things break due to normal use (not acts of God), you pay a $50 service call and if you use the warranty service, the cost is paid. If you can’t afford huge repair bills, this is a true insurance policy. The plumber wanted $200 to unclog my sink last year. Home warranty plumber: $50.
      4. Find someone to walk you through your house and show you where the water shut-off is and look for potential problems. I work at a college and the head of maintenance walked through my place this fall and debunked almost every “crisis problem” Jackass had pointed out.
      5. Make a emergency plan. What will you do if the power goes out in a storm? If there is a neighborhood gas leak and you have no heat? If a tree blocks your driveway? Sit down with someone you trust and think through this stuff. I do the same thing at work. What if a crazy person with a gun walks into the classroom building? I’ve thought through exactly what to do and practiced it in my mind, not because I think the worst will happen, but because I am in charge in my classroom. It’s my job to be prepared.

      Once I had a Christmas dinner planned and woke up to find the refrigerator was defrosting itself AND the oven was broken. I called Sears on Christmas morning and they sent someone Christmas morning. It cost me a fortune, but it was worth it. Today most people can’t fix the things that break. Appliances and cars and other things involve electronics and computers. Many, many men are no better at managing that stuff than women are. Our chump Rumblekitty used to talk about getting a “lady boner” when she took on some supposedly masculine task and mastered it. Right now things are overwhelming you. That doesn’t mean that 2015 will be as hard as 2014. That means you can gain strength and confidence every time you take on one of these problems and master it. You can do it. I know you can.

      • PS–Whatever you think about Sears, I always have a Sears credit card because they sell, deliver and install appliances and in a pinch I can charge it. I try hard to live without debt, but that card is my backstop.

    • MrsVain, you’re not having a lousy 2015 — you’re having a few lousy days. Don’t worry about what the calendar says. Perhaps feeling as despondent as you do is a sign that there’s no where to go except up.

      I’ve been shown how to do a few things around the house and I’m here to tell you that most of it is simply not that hard. When it is hard you hire someone to do it for you.

      MrsVain, I’ve heard you mention mass and that you are a Catholic. I think you need to call your church and ask for help. Don’t be proud.

      it’s time for you to ask for help as much as you don’t like to do so. Once you begin to ask for help you may suddenly find that there are people and agencies out there who really do care. Letting others help you can restore your faith in humanity.

      In learning how to give and receive help you may learn a lot about yourself and what you’d like to do with your life. It has a way of helping you figure out your priorities.

      One foot in front of the other, MrsVain, all you have to do is think about the next step. You can do it. And we’ll be with you every inch of the way.


      p.s. Habitat for Humanity, as others have suggested, might be a really good option — call them. Call your church. Call your therapist (or get one). Relax for today. Beginning tomorrow, start calling.

      • i thank all of you for your words. YOU ALL ARE MIGHTY!!!! you are the people who give me the strength to go on!! i cant believe how strong you all are.

        i am just tired. phsycially. mentally. emotionally. TIRED. it is not that i dont know how to fix the water heater. or change the oil. or build a wall. or redo the floor. or set a toliet. i have done all that in this old house HE wanted. i did all that last year. i face problems head on. i did it all.

        it is just so disappointing to have something else break so soon. again. it seems like no matter what i do. ijust cant get a break.

        i believed in doing the right thing is well……..the right thing to do. i believed that i would get rewarded somehow for being a good person. working hard and always do the right thing. it is disappointing to find out that it really doesnt matter. being a good person doesnt mean anything at all.

        i am sorry for bringing you all down. i have never been so down in my life. i just dont see the point any more. i have no more fight. i have no more dreams. i have no purpose.

        sigh…….but i will continue on. thank u again for your wonderful words. you are amazing and awesome.

        my prayers to tracys dad and herself to get well soon. and to all of you to find peace in the new year. God bless each and everyone of you

        • MV, even the best people with the most awesome lives (and I’m *NOT* talking about the fake-awesome that our cheater-fucks parade around with) still have things go terribly wrong and have bad days like yourself. Its a pain in the arse when everything seems to be crashing down around you though.
          Never lose that fight you got, mate. Even though everything feels like its gone to shit, you still have that fight, else you wouldn’t have posted here at all. And screw ‘dreams’ or ‘purpose’ in life – your life is to be lived, regardless of what you do or don’t have. And I can bet that theres plenty of stuff you got to be grateful for, even if it feels like all hope is lost and fire’s raining upon you. You need to stand up and weather the storm, and fight back a bit. 🙂

          PS: Rumblekitty’s idea of a ‘lady boner’ regarding ‘masculine’ chores makes me smile every time.

    • I hear you. My big problem is snow removal. I’m on a corner and though the spirit is willing the flesh is weak. I’m a 5’2″ 56 year old woman and I cannot budge the piles of solid ice and snow packed up by plows at the corner. If I don’t clear the crosswalk within ten hours the city will fine me $100.00 a day. I’ve tried hiring people but they don’t show up. I have literally no one I can ask for help. One BIL had his foot amputated last winter. I used to love snow but now I live in dread of it.

  • Yesterday was a tough one for me. Finally came to grips with the reality that I was triggering over a bunch of memories and what ifs and maybes. Instead of stuffing the feelings down, I went for help. Talked to someone who helped me see that there was no immediate threat, but just the general situation (recently filed, stb is pressuring for reconciliation with no rehabilitation, wanting me to do all the gives and all the heavy lifting). It had me in a place where I reacted to fears I was building up in my own mind.

    I felt myself slipping back more and more into the zone where that was conceivable. And I could see myself doing it, and knew how unwise that was, but part of me was slipping back anyway. And as I slipped, I started to relive how scary at times it was to live with him. So my metaphor for a threat to which I was reacting was tiger.

    Devised something I call the tiger-test. Look around the room. Is there a tiger in it? If the answer is no, then so note. Let go of the possibility of tigers. Stop reading about tigers. Stop watching documentaries on tigers. Stop telling yourself about all the tigers you’ve run across in the past, statistical likelihood of tigers. No tigers. I actually walked though a store yesterday telling myself that. “Look! No tigers!” I was giving myself permission not to be worried, anxious, afraid.

    Woke up happy this morning to clear skies. And looky-here! Still no tigers.

    • This fear and anxiety thing is something we really need to take a close look at, like your tiger. Through all this hell, I had this inchoate fear of living on the side of the road in a trailer if I left him. The chances of that were about nil but that was my fear and it was a paralyzing fear as I tolerated him for 32 years. Then one day I realized that this fear was based on something real. When I was 6 my mother married my hateful, mean despicable stepfather and we left my warm island for England. For the next 3 months we lived in a caravan and drove around England and that is where I learned that my mother had married a monster and I was stuck with him. There was no escape from his harsh, raging and mean treatment of me and my sister. Once I realized the source of this fear, I could deal with it. I no longer have that tiger and perhaps one day I will get a little caravan to put behind my car. 🙂

  • Tracy, I’m sorry for the shit you’re going through right now. I know you’re a tough cookie and have the love and support of your family to see you through.

    Instead of seeing it as a metaphor, I see these challenges as yet more of life’s stuff that relationships have to weather, instead of being sparkly all the time. How many of us were cheated on because our significant others thought the spark had gone? Yeah, when you have pneumonia, sewer problems, cranky teenagers, and parental health worries, it’s pretty hard to be sparkly.

    I had pneumonia once and the worst symptom was being tired all the time. I would have to lie down for a nap at 9 a.m. I hope you can find some time for some rest.

    Thanks for all you do here. Here’s hoping that 2015 improves for you quickly.

  • First of all thank you to Chump Lady and everyone here in the same boat. I only found out about my husband back in March we had been together 34 years. I havent been on here much, I was at first and then listening to all you guys I decided to go out and do something about my life. First was to find out who I am or was because he stole that from me. I have made some amazing new friends and have also learned to say no to some guys who before I would have let into my life like my ex cause I needed to take care of them. I love riniginonmyownbell take on being on a desert island ha ha with Wilson. I can say that I have been at Meh I know maybe a little early but I fought hard to get there, unfortunately I have slipped ha ha surprise surprise its the New Years thing. I always hated New Years when I was little when I was with him and well not liking it so much right now. Doing the poor you he has somebody and you dont. Believe it or not Xmas went well although my daughter and grandsons insisted it be held still at my place. Im still here at the house I kicked him out back in July. I think I might have played since then the role of I never married him dont know who he is and he dosent exist tooo well. I wish he would disappear. NC for 6 mths woot woot. Now 2015 is here and he is back from Florida with Bitch OW and I got a text from mediator that things are ready to roll again. Hence the downslide I guess, he does exist he is still on this earth I am still married to him and so on and so on. But I have read all your posts and have found the strength yet again to pick my old self up again and go on. A lot of people have been telling me lately how good I look and how young and how happy. That is the easy part ladies to fix the outside, but what these selfish men have done to our insides (self esteem) takes a little longer to heal. Which I just found out. Happy New Year to you all. I hope that my post lets some of you newbies know that yes you can come out on the other side happy and have one day where you are like WTF and then come here to all these wonderful woman and find that special strong mighty part of yourself again. And Chump Lady my dad is not well either I am also sick in bed today. But you need to get better because lady you have soooooooooo many people who need you and I guess we are being selfish but you got to admit I bet it feels good to be sooo wanted and loved Luv ya

  • Happy New Year CN and CL (we all love you Tracy – you have made an amazing difference to so many chumps). I say a pray for all of you – every time I read a post.

    My 2015 is already awesome. I know I’m damn lucky to have gotten away so fast and so well. I move into my new place (I love that – my place). Been picking out towels and shelf paper. I left most of that shitty life behind. Well on my way to MEH. I know there are gonna be loops but I am so profoundly grateful. All divorced and retired and recovered from spinal surgery in 10 months.

    Chin up Chumps (especially those with plumbing challenges). The further away I’ve made it – the better things look. Be gentle with yourselves. You’ve survived the Blackbeard Tale – we are here to live another day. And with luck, another year.

    • Sidebar–chumpfor21: oh! I wanna hear more about your spinal surgery if you’re willing to take it to the Forums. I have 4 out of five totally fucked lumbar discs, and host of other issues: stenosis, arthritis, yadda yadda…. I would love to talk to somebody who’s been through this and how & why they made their choices! fank you….

      • Hi Named

        I had a cervical fusion and some tweaking of a nerve canal – I cannot remember the medical term for that. I recovered pretty well considering I was dumped. I am very fortunate that my friends took me in and helped me heal. Lumbar ? I have heard nightmare stuff about that. I have heard of two and three surgeries to clean out infections after the initial surgery. You are right to be concerned.

        Anyway I had constant pain and numbness in my hands/arms. When I began to loss control of my hand function (I would lose grip strength while holding objects) I knew it was time.

        Look for the best doctor you can – word of mouth, credentials etc. Best wishes to you for healing. Take care – if you are in Southern Cal – I can give you some names to check.

  • Jedi Hugs CL. It kinda seems appropriate that shit is your metaphor, after all, you are the only organic farm inspector in the state of Texas…;)

    Sending good energy to you and your family to heal up and have a shit free 2015!

    May all of Chump Nation have an awesome new year!

  • CL, sorry you have so much rough stuff to face on the first day of the year. But the bright side is, 2015 can only get better, right? I hope you are feeling better and the antibiotics are knocking out the pneumonia. That’s no fun for sure. Plenty of fluids, rest and a jumbo-size box of Kleenex to you!

    Happy new year to all of chumpdom, and may this be the year you reach meh.

  • Tracy, prayers for your father, you and your family. May the days ahead bring better news. Those teenagers will eventually become caring, young men. They really do!

    During the early days when I was stuck, this quote from Marianne Williamson helped get me out of a paralyzing situation:

    “…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
    Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
    It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
    We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
    Actually, who are you not to be?
    You are a child of God.
    Your playing small does not serve the world.
    There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
    We are all meant to shine, as children do.
    We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
    It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
    And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
    As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    Please change the word God to something that may work better for you but I wanted to share this powerful message. I was afraid to move on because I was comfortable being less than. Once I reclaimed my mighty self, life infinitely got better. Rumination had to go. After all, for animals, to ruminate is to chew and swallow that which has already been chewed and swallowed. And that’s what I was doing when the cheater and his new life were my default thoughts. What a waste.

    And this quote from Donald Walsh sums up why I had to let go:
    “Yearning for a new way will not do that.
    Only ending the old way can do that.
    You cannot hold onto the old, all the while declaring that you want something new.
    The old will defy the new;
    The old will deny the new;
    The old will decry the new.
    There is only one way to bring in the new.
    You must make room for it.”

    Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015. Your mighty self awaits, Chump Nation.

  • CL,
    Your 2015 will get better because you are mighty! I want to thank you for your willingness to share yourself and your experiences with us. Although I have life experience (old person), I was NOT ready for the gut wrenching, life altering experience of infidelity (as no one is). But the point is… I (who would consider myself an intelligent person) really had no idea how to move forward. After I found your site, read your book, and started assessing my situation, I realized that I was so decimated that no matter how much intelligence I had, I needed someone to tell me that “it is going to be ok”. I needed someone to tell me “here is what you need to do” and “you can do it”. I needed someone to tell me that “meh is out there no matter how far away it seems” and “Tuesday will come”. I needed someone to tell me that “I am a worthy person and I didn’t deserve this”. I needed someone to tell me that “I am not alone”. I found you, CL and Chump Nation, and for that I will always be eternally grateful. Happy New Year, Chumps! Best wishes for 2015!

  • Moving on and getting over it is easy to say but much harder to do. I have not posted to this site before but I have read your posts and absorbed the wisdom of my follow Chumps. My story is mild compared to most on this site but betrayal knocked the wind out of me. At first I was numb and hurt. All my insecurities surfaced. Was I not smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough and self- loathing that infidelity brings to the victim. I did the shameful “Pick Me Dance” and the FuckWit got his Cake and plenty of cookies. We own a vacation home together and he repurposed the house into his full time residence a year ago. The house had all my furniture, linens, dishes, and tools. I’m working full time and paying half the bills, living in a different State. I planned to spend Thanksgiving with him. Just before I boarded the plane he called and told me that he had met a wonderful women and wanted to spend the holiday with her. She was uncomfortable with my clothes and other personal effects at the house and he wanted me to move my stuff out so the OW was more comfortable. I ended the call and thought I was going to vomit. I was physically sick. Should I board the plane? I decided to head there anyway. I ended up spending Thanksgiving with some dear friends that live in the area. They were my life line.

    After the holiday I sent X a soulful email pouring my heart out about how much I love him. I was begging for more shit sandwiches. X called me to thank me for the email but he had moved on. X told me he had cheated on me the whole three years we were together. Most of those meetings he had during the evening were casual hook-ups he had found on Craigslist. I was always too busy with work to take care of his needs. Plus he was not interested in a long distant romance. I was in shock. I was shaken to the core. I had been emotionally body slammed and mocked for being a clueless trusting idiot. I was not prepared for this kind of pain. I couldn’t focus at work, I couldn’t sleep, and food lost all appeal. I met with a Psychotherapist and I was told I was co-dependent and I hadn’t set up firm boundaries. She was correct about the boundaries but I don’t see myself as a co-dependent. However, she did give me some good advice about dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists enjoy a good mind fuck and the best way to deal with them is no contact. I had to plan my exit and become an actress. X called me almost every day for his long distant cookies and he continued to call me Honey and Sweetheart. EW! I took his calls because I had to play along until I could exercise NC. I could not let X know how pissed off I was. I’m not a devious person and it was very difficult to role play as the love sick halfwit.

    In December I informed him I would be moving my stuff out by the end of the year. It was time to move on. X told me he wants to buy me out and he would even give me $2000.00 for the furniture (the value is more like 28k). His girlfriend loves the way the house is decorated. Ouch! Cheaters say the darnest things. I’m sure the OW doesn’t know about me. I’m convinced that he has told OW it’s his house and his stuff. X has not put anything in writing about resolving the property. I gave him a written proposal to buy him out but he rejected that offer since he thinks he should also be compensated for taking care of the residence. I kid you not, he seriously thinks he should get paid to live there with the OW; entitlement at its finest. X had taken this situation to painful to ridiculous. I requested in writing that he puts together a buy-out proposal but he hasn’t had time. Like a dumbass, I have given him zero incentive to resolve the property since I’m not living there, it’s my beautiful furniture, and I’m paying half the bills. It’s a moocher’s paradise!!! How stupid could I be? I was not making any head way and I knew It was time to lawyer up. I had to ask permission to spend a few days at my house last week. X had to find a temporary love shack while I was there. He told me with glee that he was taking his new women to Vegas during my visit. Perfect! I had hired a moving crew and within a few hours of my arrival the moving company had relocated me into a new property. X was left with two chairs, a lamp, his clothes and his sporting goods. I’m sure it was awkward for this Fuckwit to have to explain to the OW why the house is empty. I left him a note letting him know the Cookie Jar is empty and that my attorney will be in contact with him to offer him some easy options, even a FuckTARD could understand. I had taken videos of the property and any damage would be reported to the police and I would file charges. I told him I would not be accepting any of his calls or responding to any of his text messages or emails. All correspondence will be taken care of by my law firm. This Shit Show has run its course. Moving on is a beautiful thing. Have a good life! Happy New Year!

    I blocked his calls and his emails go directly to the trash bin. I’m taking this NC rule seriously. Thank you Chump Lady and to my Chumpy comrades, I have found my spine, my dignity, and my self- respect. I have wallowed in the shitsand long enough. It still stings but I’m doing my best to get over it. 2015 is going to be a great year. HUGS!

      • Felt a bit melancholy on New Years’ myself. Holidays are hard because we take stock of our situation, especially at the New Year… and when you aren’t where, or even close to where you want to be or should be in your opinion, you feel negative emotions. It is only human. But we can make a pact with ourselves and each other that we will not find ourselves in the same spot next year. And make the moves & changes to make it so.
        This is what I have vowed to do with the support of Chump Nation!

    • Wow, ChumpsOfHumanity — what strength you have! How powerful and brave you are! I wish so much we could all have sees their pathetic faces as they walked in the door.

    • WOW! LOL on the furniture heist!! Nice job! Hope the chairs have arms so they can’t F_ck on them! Hardy-har!! Headline: ANGRY CHUMP TAKES THE REINS AND STEERS NARC AND CURRENT LAY INTO WELL DESERVED DITCH!! Victory for the Home Team!! Way to go ChumpsofHumanty!!
      A “Wave” in the stands of Chump Nation!!

    • Your cheater is a fucking arrogant prick!
      Jesus McFucking Christ. What a pig. Seriously.
      Your plan for the house furniture was brilliant, haha! Mightiness at its finest, that one.
      I could just imagine the look on fucktard’s face and his whore when he got home though. Bwahahaha!!!!

    • Awesome, COH, you really rock! I too had to pretend to be a lovesick halfwit with my narcissistic sociopath ex (I literally read articles on howmto manipulate s narcisiistic and followed their advice and it worked). It was a relief when he signed the Property Settlement Agreement and I could go NC. You seriously got this, kudos!

  • CL–so sorry about all your travails (as we say in TX, all about as welcome as a porcupine in a nudist colony). I hope your father has a speedy recovery after the chemo; poor man to have to go through it again.

  • CL I do the same thing with catastrophes — this summer my sewer line BACKED UP FROM THE STREET into my downstairs powder room toilet, flooding my foyer with all the neighbors’ shit.
    OH YES… wading ankle deep in EVERYONE ELSE’S SHIT must be a metaphor! 🙂
    I had about 3 catastrophes going at one time and I briefly questioned if I was going to be diagnosed with cancer next — it seemed highly likely.
    But it’s 6 months later and things are actually 400% better … so Happy New Year!

  • Chump Nation, 2015 will be a better year. There is so much wisdom and strength here, even when we are struggling…
    Now for a small bit of my story…. My ex’s infidelity broke my heart but I knew it wouldn’t break me and this is why… In 2006 my life changed forever. In February my only son suffered a traumatic brain injury and lay in a coma, he was 14. Mum and Pop drove up to lend us their support and a week later I was on the phone again to 911 Mum was admitted to emergency surgery at another hospital. A week after that our county had a freak snowstorm (it had rarely snowed at that elevation) and on our way home from visiting our son in the hospital I realized I had not yet heard from our girls. A neighbor called then, stated she had our girls, that they had been in an accident, but “were okay.” My firstborn was hysterical, the new car had hit ice and went over an embankment with both girls. Neither was physically hurt. The car was totaled. And it didn’t matter. My girls did. All of this in a month’s time. I never thought to ask why? I just knew everything was going to be okay. Shit happens. It just does. What I did recognize though was the lesson. What is important? To me it has always been family. My children, my parents, my friends. I too am barely scraping by, my home doesn’t have heating, and I still haven’t found full time work. “This too shall pass.” All signs… I just need to have faith and to keep moving forward. So, Chumps, make resolutions, make a list of your blessings, and then ask yourself what legacy are you leaving this world. (Tracy, What gifts you have!). Chump Nation, We are all mighty, even on our bad days (I highly recommend walking, if not wrap yourself in a blanket, sit on a couch and binge watching Netflix). So to ALL, Happy New Year!

    • Wow, what a story. Here’s to health, wealth, and happiness! I’m sending you a Happy New Year {{{HUG}}}

  • Tracy,
    Wishing you and your father the gift of health in 2015. Please take care of yourself. We need you. Your posts are always so timely and absolutely on point. My mother passed away Dec. 12, 2013. An incredibly cold day. My sister and I were loading Mom’s belongings into the back of my car. When my sister closed the hatch, the back window of my car exploded, raining safety glass all over us. While my sister went for help, I called STBX and was devastated when he wouldn’t come help. I know now he was with the OW and they were preparing to run away together. I took pictures of the car – broken glass everywhere. I showed the pictures to my therapist in our first session with the words ‘I think this is a metaphor for my life’. The window has been replaced but there is still tape residue around the edges that I just can’t seem to get rid of. And STBX is gone but he still seeps into my thoughts at the worst times.

    I did not think that New Years Eve would be a problem for me. Never was ‘our’ holiday. He always fell asleep well before midnight. I cooked some of my favorite dishes (that he totally hated) and drank some wine (too much wine!) and started surfing the internet. Feeling a little sorry for myself, I googled OW’s name and found her Hi5 account that I hadn’t seen before. There were the pictures of STBX and her in Peru (in either 2010 or 2011). Kissing, her lying on top of him on a sofa, selfies of them in bed together (clothed), and then, a poem that he wrote to her (superimposed over a picture of her in bed) where he said that he loved being near her, he loved being IN her! He is 69 years old not 14. The only reason I am telling you this story is to show how great an impact on my life CL has had. If I had seen these pictures and that ridiculous poem prior to discovering this site, I would have been rolling on the floor, hysterical with grief. But Chump Nation, you gave me back my values and stiffened my spine. As I looked at the pictures, I was livid at the disrespect he showed me but I felt nothing for that pathetic old man in the pictures. I am done. No more looking back. Thank you for reposting the ‘let it go’ message. I needed to hear it today and I am sure I will reread it many times in the days to come.

    • Ugh & pukity-puke Live and Learn!!
      At least you will never wake up to his sorry boner in your back ever again!
      How about a divorce decree superimposed over your smiling face! Oh Yeah!

      • Thanks Regina. I am working on it. But my state requires a year separation so I will be doing everything in my power to make 2015 pass quickly.

        • Good for you! He doesn’t deserve to breathe air in the same room as you Live & Learn! At least you know what your goal is. Sometimes it seems like the stories keep getting even more outrageous! These ungrateful nutjob Cheaters are simply sub-human.

          • It is just surreal sometimes. I do not recognize the man I loved at all. I always knew he was damaged but this person is a total stranger to me. Sad really. He even looks physically different now. Looking really elderly.

      • Regina–hahaha!—–“boner in your back”! I AM SOOOO glad I no longer have to deal with ‘thump thump thump’ the instant my eyes open…..Thanks for the laugh, I needed it. I have done my pondering of past misdeeds at holiday time that my card carrying narcissistic super sparkly remorseless cheatin’ ass BF pulled. Real downers that are in the realm of ‘who does that, much less is even capable of THINKING IT UP??!!!???’. (He and his ‘former’ GF, that’s who–they are two rotten peas in a pod)

        I’ve had him out of my life for 3 yrs but I am still living the gift that cheaters keep on giving…..mistrust of all, whether they be home repair contractors or a potential new female friend…..At this very moment I have an invitation to get together from a seemingly very nice and respectful man that is waiting for a reply. I am too timid to submit an answer. I ventured out on a date several months ago (with a’ seemingly very nice and respectful man’) and the evening was so fraught with the guy’s weirdness, it seemed like I was in a red flag manufacturer’s showroom…

        Peace and light to all—this year has to be better than the last, right?

        • Hey Hesatthecurb! I was thinking maybe you have that in the wrong order! Probably that is why your eyes HAD to open, the Bonerrific Cheater has needs you know! All those needs we met, and it was never enough!

        • Hesatthecurb-many here fight with the trust issues on all levels too. I was also a bit more nice & bubbly, but this took the carbonation right out of me! (And for quite awhile I might add!)
          Maybe you should go on the date just for a tiny step in the forward direction? Just a thought.

    • Aah, and these ‘selfies’ (Fuck I hate that word and any social media crap associated with it) can be used to prove adultery in a divorce settlement. Stupid fuck just shot himself in the foot there. Bwahahahaha.

  • I was a little blue on New Year’s Day as well. I’m traveling on my own, went out for NYE, but found on New Year’s Day I didn’t want to get out of bed, so I went with that feeling. I did eventually get up, and went out for a couple of hours, before coming back to the room, where I ordered room service and just hibernated.

    I think it’s just another mile marker. Another time to look back and say “wtf”, before moving on. At least that’s what I hope. Happy New Year CN. Let’s not only survive in 2015, but thrive.

  • Hello Tracy and Chump Nation, very best wishes to everyone for a wonderful 2015 xx

    Tracy, so sorry to hear you are so unwell and having to deal with a horrible catastophe (a house full of shit is a catastrophe in my book). And I am wishing all the very, very best for your beloved dad. I hope you are both restored to full health asap 🙂

    Poorly with the lurgy myself at the moment, but it’ll pass, I’m sure. Mortgage company take their case for repossession of my home on Monday (fun days) so, oddly enough, 2015 is definitely going to be the year I ‘get over it’ as this repossession will be the last ever shit sandwich ‘The Great I Am’ ever deals me (oh yes it will – nothing left for him to take or shit on, so I hope it gives him all the pleasurable kibbles he hopes for) – of course I’m worried about it, haven’t managed to find somewhere else to live yet, not looking forward to having to pack up a three bedroomed house without any idea of what I’ll have space to keep. Losing a cheater and gaining a life has cost an awful lot, but It’ll soon be done and (even though I’m feeling low due to lurgy) then I can move on to my new life.

    Heartfelt love and best wishes to everyone – hope life treats everyone kindly 🙂 xxxxx

  • It’s quite healing to look back to where I was this time last year and see how far I’ve come. STBX had just ruined New Year’s Eve being a sulking, pouty asshole and I was days away from asking him, “why do you hate me?” (Answer ILYBINILWY). DDay and much more pointless drama to follow.
    I am so grateful to be away of all his self absorbed bullshit. Divorce is not final yet, I am still grieving the loss of what I thought I had, but I am not mired in misery with no end in sight. I am closer to every member of my family. I’ve reconnected with old friends and started making some new ones. Sorry about all your tribulations, Tracy! Hope you feel better soon. Thank you always for what you do for us.
    Love and healing to all of you.

  • Thank you so much for a great boost Chump Lady! I spent one of the worst night of my life last night sleeping on the couch in our basement after telling my cheater I’m not going to be treated like a doormat anymore. I found yet more evidence of their continued relationship on Christmas Eve–nice huh? Horrible pictures she sent him that he was shuffling around between various secret email accounts. (he accidently didn’t log out of his email–normally I can’t get in because he wont give me the passwords) I wanted so badly to print one of the pictures and put it in his stocking for Christmas morning…but of course couldn’t because of the kids. After I found them I was shaking and crying but I was hosting and the show had to go on…and on…and on…

    I finally was able to confront last night after kids in bed. He told me I should focus more on my own behavior and not what he’s doing. LOL He’s cheated on me for over 18 months with his married coworker that he used to carpool with. She just divorced her husband last month and left her two little girls with him (actually husband was given primary custody because of her adultery and drinking) to get her own place. I’m sure she’s measuring for curtains and planning her future with my cheater…I have so many vengeful fantasies of what I will do to her at some point–hopefully getting her fired.

    As I was tearfully leaving the bedroom he told me “I don’t want you to be upset…” LOL then stop fucking cheating on me with that dumpy hoe you asshole!!! I’ve had so many DDays, caught them sexting so many times, her husband called me and told me many gory details (over a year ago!) and yet I kept seeing the unicorn just around the corner. NO MORE

    Thank you for the forum to get my feelings out! I almost started the pick me dance today, believe it or not, because of the kids and also I’m a fool. But I’m not giving in this time….I will be back here many times for support I’m sure. Stay strong ladies we can do this!

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