What Would You Tell Yourself at D-Day?

paralysis Who wouldn’t love a do-over?

I’m sure a few of you navigated this shit perfectly right out of the starting gate, but most of us floundered in the most humiliating of ways.

If you could go back in time (and no, you don’t get to wish your whole relationship away, the time machine only allows this ONE encounter…) — what would you say to yourself on your first D-Day?

I think this exercise may accomplish two things — 1) It will show you how far you’ve come and 2) It will help those further behind on this journey than you are.

This is what I’d say to my D-Day self.

Dear Tracy,

You married an asshole. No really, face it, he’s a douche. Cut your losses immediately.

I know you think you’re doomed, but your doom is with him. Life on the other side will, yes, be challenging. Single parenthood again, the ring of hell that is 50 Bad Coffee Dates, financial insecurity. Don’t let those fears overwhelm you. Wrestle those motherfuckers to the ground and get the hell away from this man.

He’ll try and punish you for leaving him. Expect that. Surround yourself with support and the law.

Don’t be afraid to sing like a bird. This isn’t your shame to wear.

You WILL be loved again. You WILL love again. He will NOT be the last person you ever care for.

Someday soon you’ll reach meh about him. You won’t give a shit who he is or what he’s doing or with whom. He’ll be a storybook character. The villain. The obstacle over which you triumphed.

Never forget this is your story — get out there and make a happier ending to it.

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Irene
Irene
9 years ago

Dear Irene , copy Tracy’s letter! 🙂

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Irene

Same here!

Or, in my own words:
1 – no, he was not replaced by an alien, he’s showing you who he really is
2 – go find the Chumplady website
3 – life’s better on the other side!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

I agree with you. I wish it could have sunk in sooner that THIS is who he really is.

moxie
moxie
9 years ago
Reply to  NorthernLight

Ditto. “This is who he REALLY IS” was absolutely the first thing that popped into my head.

This is why I love CN; everyone here “gets it”.

So grateful to have found my way here.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Irene

I was thinking the same

linda2
linda2
9 years ago

Don’t be “fair” and give him a chance to explain (lie). Read and copy all of those texts first!

Itneverends
Itneverends
9 years ago
Reply to  linda2

I should have done that too before he deleted them all in front of me as proof that it was over with her ..yet a couple if days later he asked to have his cell phone bill separate from the family plan soo whatever though it still ends the same

mom3085
mom3085
9 years ago

OMG after all I have done for you you want to throw me over for a skanky biker chick you rediscovered on FB! Go ahead I am out of here now. I have put up with so much of your s–t. I will be better off without you.

Wow33
Wow33
9 years ago

I would get myself to a councelor sooner. She would have helped me establish bounderies, and tell me I am it going crazy !!!!

Lina
Lina
9 years ago

Dear Lina,

Don’t just go for legal advice. File! Don’t let him file first. Get to the bank and take half the money before he takes it all. Don’t send that letter or text message. Block him immediately from email and phones and lock the porch door so that he doesn’t have access. Don’t listen to his lies and cruelties. Do your own investigation. Knowledge is power. Hire a forensic accountant.

Nat1
Nat1
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Omg yes. Stop his access to the bank account and mortgage redraw. Do it straight away, be one step ahead!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago

Dear Kelly,

I know it is hard to believe, but he is not the man you thought he was, he is and was a monster who never loved you, it was all a lie. Say this over and over to yourself- HE DOES NOT CARE HE DOES NOT CARE HE DOES NOT CARE. You must somehow believe that. It doesn’t matter why anymore.

Don’t try to look to him for comfort, he is your destroyer not your savior. Don’t think you can be friends, you can’t. Take some sedatives, hide your phone, don’t look for “answers” (there aren’t any) and MOVE ON. Don’t scream at him, don’t cry to him, don’t give him that satisfaction, it just plays into his narrative that you are crazy and feeds his incredibly pathological ego.

If you can, from the start, smile at him, tell him you think he is an awful person, and calmly make plans to move on with your life without him. It will be so much better, you’ll see.

Go online right now and look at this website and read all the articles and all the comments RIGHT NOW: “Chumplady.com,” This will help you more than everything else combined, and will be your guiding star.

On a brighter note, in 3 years you will be re-married to a wonderful man who adores you, is mature and responsible and trustworthy, and who lights up your life in a way ex never did.

(((HUGS))) Kelly, you will get through this.

Love,

Your future self 3 years down the road

P.S. Oh and by the way, don’t be so generous with the money in the property settlement agreement. You will soon be astonished to see that he will even abandon his own children. Do an exorcism or something but crush him out of your mind and soul the way you are shutting him out of your life.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

P.P.S. And another thing, he is as you read this diverting your tax return….and he has misappropriated all of the kids’ college funds, so move fast.

Irish
Irish
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Kelly ditto on the tax return. 10,000$ diverted to a separate account I had no idea about. Then, after I backtracked his ass by calling the IRS and H and R Block, MFPOS lied to my face about it. I know, you all are finding it hard to believe he LIED! LOL Just one of a million I’m afraid.

Samlizcaro
Samlizcaro
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

I am not sure saying you will be happily married again after three years is that helpful. Reading that made me feel awful as two and a half years out of this , I am still processing what happened. Everyone’s time scale is different and is dependent on many variables, how long you were married, in my case 17 years and with him for 28 years, my entire adult life, and the level of abuse you endured, which inevitably causes damage which needs to heal before you leap into another relationship. There is not a time scale on this, I know your message was positive and was intended to help but for those of us who need longer than that, it feels like something else we have failed to do. Apparently we need to get over it and move on as society dictates because that is what everyone else feels comfortable with. Doesn’t seem to matter how we feel.

Everyone needs the time they need and this is not a race. I have been dating but I know I am not really healthy enough for that yet. I have actually hurt at least one man because of that and it has made me cautious, you should not involve others in your pain, it is not fair.

Plus the be all and end all is not to find another relationship but to heal and get healthy and strong. That should be the message that is sent, not get on with it, find someone new to marry, replace what you had and then you’re normal again.

laurabb2001
laurabb2001
9 years ago
Reply to  Samlizcaro

Well in fairness, Kelly was writing that letter to HER younger self and that was her experience.

Samlizcaro
Samlizcaro
9 years ago
Reply to  laurabb2001

Yes, I understand that and if I gave the impression that I was being critical, I didn’t meant it that way. Probably should have worded it better, apologies. I hope my message was clear if it was delivered in a clumsy way. No offence meant.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Samlizcaro

I think Kelly’s comment was a letter to herself on her own D-Day, and is specific to her own unique circumstances…after a long marriage to a man who exhibited monstrous behavior, she found love. I’m as far out and have not even looked to date, but am inspired by her story and the support she continues to share here.

Everyone’s journey here is marked by bizarrely similar patterns imposed by the cheating behavior. We all have different paths to healing. One of my wise friends reminded me of the old blessing “if God sets you on a rocky path, may you be blessed with sturdy shoes.” I wish you sturdy shoes and that time is as healing for you as it is being for me.

MJD
MJD
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

“He is your destroyer, not your savior.” ~Awesome words. Mirrors my thoughts exactly!

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

“Go online right now and look at this website and read all the articles and all the comments RIGHT NOW: “Chumplady.com,” This will help you more than everything else combined, and will be your guiding star.”

And this needs to be added to Tracy’s letter that I would use as my own

magicrain
magicrain
9 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

ditto.. except for the love part. It hasn’t found me yet. and Stop hiding from everyone. He cheated, lied, stole, and abandoned his kids. STOP LYING FOR HIM.

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago

I have replayed this scenario in my head a thousand times….. Unfortunately most of my plans would have resulted in prison time… Aside from castration and other forms of torture… What would I do now?
Bank account empty. He would be reading his divorce summons from the inside of a jail cell. His shit would be in a storage locker. There would be a for sale sign on the house …. And I would be the fuck outa Dodge. The only tears I would be shedding would be from joy as I drive down the highway , radio blasting, windows open , giving this whole situation the one finger salute.

TodoVa
TodoVa
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip,

ALL of my plans would have resulted in prison time, no doubt. Had it not been for my three daughters, my actions would have been different. I would have gladly slept in tent city. But then again, he’s not worth it. Didn’t know it or feel it at the time, of course.

Two years out…our lives are SOOOOO much better. Seeing him face the consequences of his actions is more fulfilling and satisfying over prison time! -and I get to do this while sleeping in a comfy bed 😉

Chumped n well
Chumped n well
9 years ago

Dear chumped n well,

Please listen to me – your gut. Yes he is cheating. Yes he is devaluing u and no he is not confused or having mommy issues. Please listen now before u marry him n have two kids to finally face that to him you are only the following things, at times convenient to him – 1. Cheque book; 2. Scapegoat to give his mother a target; 3. Toy to mess with and later tell himself “boy I’m glad im not a hot mess like her”. ( you are a hot mess BECAUSE of him)

Tell him NOW that it’s cheating not confusion to chat with his ex first thing every morning n last thing each night or to say that SHE cannot know about your engagement because she might commit suicide, or tell you that we are only friends – geez lighten up, For a girl who has so many guy friends you are so uptight n suspicious or buy her stuff while telling you he doesn’t have money to buy you a ring. All this when he is YOUR fiancé n knows cheating is your deal breaker. Break it off girl n don’t let him railroad ur boundaries.

Tell your parents to fuck off n leave you alone. Tell them it’s better to be alone than with an asshole. That has helped you avoid disasters before this guy but you are choosing to fail this time because your narcissistic mom wants her social image intact. Fuck her image n her needs. Focus on YOU chumped… Don’t give in.

Walk away from this guy and for good measure go no contact with your parents as well. Their brow beating n devaluing you is not going to go away. Value yourself like you ask your friends to when they are in trouble.

It can be much worse later in life… So walk away when you dont have kids n crushing debt to keep you chained. Walk away with sanity intact and profound belief that this is the right thing to do and yes I’m worth it. Don’t go through 8 years of shit storms n blame shifting and eating shit sandwiches until you question your sanity. That experience is NOT worth anything.

Yes you will have wonderful kids BUT you can have wonderful kids without him as well. After all you only need a sperm donor and believe me when I say going to the sperm bank is a better choice than this guy. Cheaper too in the long run.

Walk away now.

Please chumped listen to me – your gut.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago

Dear Conniered,
You’re in shock. You’re embarrassed and ashamed and hurting so bad. The world seems to have stopped spinning. But I assure you this is real and deep down you know this is a deal breaker for you. You did good by making him leave. You do deserve better.

I know you just figured out who SHE is just minutes before STBXH got home from working with her all day and that is even more shocking. You called her cell. A lot. I’m not sure that was the best outlet for your anger and energy but it’s done and you have outed her.

You and your son are going to be fine. You will. You have an amazing family that will be there for you like you never imagined. Their love and strength will surprise you and get you through these early days.

Single parenthood is now your path. Not too tough really. You’ve been doing everything already. You are about to lighten your load as you will put your son in public school. It’s scary and heartbreaking to do, but it’s a blessing. I promise. He will flourish.

Keep going to church. God is with you. You will find friends there. It will give you solace. He will speak to you every time you are there.

Oh, and keep reading Chump Lady. Everyday.

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago

This is a bit tough. If I had not been gaslighted after DDay #1, I would not have my wonderful children, nor one of the best jobs in the world.
But here goes:

Take a deep breath. Do not confront immediately although you are desperate to know. Gather evidence and then have The Talk.
When he drags his feet going to MC, cut your losses and leave. He is not committed, and he has not been truthful. Watch the actions carefully. The occasional good deed/gesture does not outweigh the daily signs that “he is not that into you.” Marriage is teamwork. You and the kids are a great team, and will make the playoffs because you work together.

Flora
Flora
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Yes, do not confront immediately after you discover evidence of his cheating, even though you want to stop it all ASAP. Wait, snoop and document. If you find out it’s an emotional affair on its way to becoming physical, let it progress all the way before confronting. If you stop it before the physical, then he will only say that they were just friends and sex would never have happened, and the decision to stay or leave will be needlessly complicated. When you confront him, don’t mention your evidence, just tell him you have found something out and he has one chance to tell you the truth–one single lie and he’s out the door and you’re filing for divorce. Then when the first thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie, which it will inevitably be (of course), send him packing.

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

Dear Kimmy~

Trust that he sucks! This is who he is. He does not love you…..and even if he does in his own crazy way….this is not the kind of love you want or deserve. Tell your family and friends what you are going thru so you have a support system. Don’t waste time trying to reason with the unreasonable. He is not remorseful. He just regrets that he was caught. Most importantly, your daughters need a stable home environment without the drama and crazy and watching their father self destruct! Get out. Run fast. Don’t look back! Do not be afraid. You will be fine on your own. Love yourself!!!!!! You ROCK!!!!!

Cletus
Cletus
9 years ago
Reply to  kimmy

Thanks for writing my letter for me…but this is EXACTLY what I wish I had done!

TiredMomma
TiredMomma
9 years ago

I would tell myself that yes, it’s going to hurt, a LOT. You are facing your deepest fear…but you will not only survive but you will grow SO much! Becoming a single mom is terrifying, but you are SO much stronger than you ever realized. You will find out just how awesome your friends are and just how much you’re loved. You’ll eventually find a balance with the ex, after learning just how much of a narcissist he is and how to deal with that, and you’ll come to a place where you can work with him to raise your daughter without having to make all of his problems your problems.

And just when you are resigned that all guys left on the planet are either taken or giant douchebags, you’ll meet one that will sweep you off your feet…and it’s not only possible to fall in love again, but to actually fall in love in a healthy way.

You can do this.

lucky35
lucky35
9 years ago

Dear lucky35,

Although it feels incredibly difficult to even get up in the morning, you will thrive from now on. He is a sociopath. He does not care about the relationship you worked so hard to build. He does not care about your wellbeing. He never loved you. He’s incapable of love and he’s a damn good liar and actor.

I know it will be hard moving your stuff into a storage locker, sleeping on a friend’s couch, and getting a mailbox at the post office- life will feel unsettled and uncertain for a little while. You will thrive. This is the beginning of all things better.

Chumpster
Chumpster
9 years ago

• Focus on things you can control, like your dissertation research.
• Ignore what you can’t control, like her fucking other guys

Alright, buddy, Let’s start with the confrontation. You handle this perfectly. She will lie. I know you are going to bring a lot of proof. Shes going to lie. She admits to the affair a few days later because she knows your’e moving out. Confront. Leave. No contact – only- after you do one thing. Out her lying ass to her mother, that person at her work (you know who im talking about) and her best friends select friends. Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Get the truth out first. She is in shock and she lies in some heinous ways. You can cut a lot of this shit off by getting the truth out first.

Shes going to keep lying to you. You eventually find out a few things. She did fuck that guy you suspected. That thing you have? its curable. You don;t have anything else. She lies about this and tries hard to flip things to make it your fault. Oh, you can’t believe that? I swear to pie within a few days of the shock of the confrontation, she starts spinning things to make it sound like …no..you must have had the affair. Worse? I shit you not. Get it out now and get out.

You find out through therapy that shes a cluster B histrionic personality disorder. She lies and lies. its almost like breathing to her. Her mind cannot handle a universe where people know she this terrible to you, so she will use anything she can to D.A.R.V.O (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender)
Your pain will lead you to say things that she will copy and paste out of context to make her look like a victim. She will lie about heinous shit to make this tactic work. There is no way to be with this person

Ignore it and move on. Its amazing that a small chunk of her friends even unfriend her over it. You have no control over her crazy.

Invest in yourself. You do have control over your research. Bury yourself in it.

Look, buddy, you don’t see it yet, but shes gotten you to slowly shift your energy into her. Youve put a lot of your life on hold for her and she rejects reciprocating her energy into you. Focus your energy back into yourself. This is the only way you are going to really find happiness. Its going to be hard at first. Thats fine. Work towards it a little more every day. Its gonna be fine.

She sounds so remorseful, right? In a few days, shes going to start trying to paint you as the bad guy behind her back. Impossible? You find proof of this on what she failed to delete on facebook. Oh you think you can show evidence to her friends? Fuck it and fuck them. Your friends are way more awesome. Shes a histrionic cluster B fucktard with the shallowest of friends. Yours are solid. She got sorry she got caught. Shes been working manipulation techniques on you to control you. You can;t see it now. Get the fuck out.

You’ll find out soon that people think you are a smart, handsom, and interesting guy. Your wife goggles will fall off and you’ll see her for a lying, manipulative, cluster B monster. You are so used to giving and giving, that when you find this girl who starts kissing you passionately, you don’t know what to do with it all. Let me help.

• There’s women out there who won’t leave you in a dead bedroom for 7 months
• Theres women out there who won;t make you do 100% of the cooking. In fact, you’ll be really happy to split this duty
• Your soon to be ex is a slob. it sucks. Most other girls aren’t like this
• Most people don’t need to control you like she did
• There are girls out there who will actually try to be part of your family, too.
• There are girls out there who won’t look at you with disregard after you hurt yourself on a dangerous job trying to support her unreasonable financial expectations while both of you are in grad school.
• There are girls out there who wont fuck other guys and then lie to your face

You basically have no where to go but up. You’ll love it. The only thing I regret is what I endured trying to believe she had any remorse. Move on and start enjoying the better life.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Chumpster…….in response to your bullet points of ‘theres’ women out there….’. That is correct. And that would be all of us here.
Very sad for you; hope its better now.

Sausalito
Sausalito
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Wow Chumpster that’s awful. I’m so sorry.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Hey! I’m writing a dissertation too.

Cletus
Cletus
9 years ago

Good Luck with your dissertations…I can’t imagine having to finish my dissertation under these circumstances!…Though I was able to co-author a book during the second year after D-Day…The challenge of trying to write without being able to focus is torturous… Keep up the good work!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Cletus

Good luck, both of you. I left a relationship in the middle of mine; he wasn’t a cheater but one of my several alcoholic partners. The dissertation was a landmark in my learning that I have to put my own life at the top of the priority list. Being chumped is a terrible life change to go through in the middle of that work, but on the other side, you are a Ph.D. or Ed.D. or Dr. of something! It will feel amazing–and you will have learned the lesson that took me another 20 years to learn–say away from narcissists. You are mighty!

Jade
Jade
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

I’m writing a master’s thesis now–an incredibly tough thing to do while raising two teens, working full time, and dealing with ex’s continuing drama (he threw the girls out because one of them had the audacity to call him out on his abusive behavior). I wish I could put myself first, but parenting under these conditions is so demanding and so stressful. I hope I manage to finish school–it would suck if I had debt and no degree. On the other hand–I would not have been able to attend grad school at all if I had not left him. He was more than happy to have a stay at home mom to slave in the house and yard while he went off to play with the ex-cheerleader high school sweetheart whom I wished he had married instead (it would have saved me time and pain).

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Jade

The most important thing I did was tell myself every day “I will finish, no matter what happens.” You must finish. You must. If you get discouraged, post about it here and we will help rally you. To finish.

Fierce Mommy
Fierce Mommy
9 years ago

Dear FierceMommy,
Open your eyes. See that he has been Gaslighting you for 10 years. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!! You are still the strong, independent woman you were before you got married. Find HER, bring HER back! You will cry and feel so lonely at times but your kids will be your strength and you will choose to do right by them instead of teaching them to bow down to mental abuse. Hide some money now! You may never use it and put it back but if (WHEN) he withholds money from you, you won’t feel degraded having to beg him for money. That’s what he wants. Also, very important: go NO CONTACT ASAP!!!

Nearlyfree
Nearlyfree
9 years ago

Don’t listen to his claims he needs ‘time to decide” and humiliate yourself going in to competition for your own husband. It will make him feel magnificent and you feeling worthless and degraded. When he lies on the floor crying saying your love was ‘meant to be’ his life is over without you and you’ve destroyed him by starting divorce proceedings ignore him. Before the divorce even begins he will be posting semi naked photos of her on Facebook. Introduce her without shame to all his family and friends who watched him make vows to you. All the words were meaningless. He is shallow. When he says nobody will ever love you like he did. Hope that is really true, look back on your whole marriage. Don’t stumble around in disbelief astounded he could do this. Appraise your time together without emotion. You will then see he was always the sort of man who would do this. He was always selfish and that won’t change. Stop being jealous of his new love. She’s liberated you

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Nearlyfree

“Stop being jealous of his new love. She’s liberated you.”

Chocolates and flowers to the woman or man who liberated you from the cell of your dishonest life!

Marci
Marci
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Calamity Jane’s letter, perfect for chump me.

And to add: trust that the two cheaters deserve each other. Habits don’t change. Two years later, he is bankrupt, having spent a lot of money on her and lost the rest in stupid investments. She has announced her departure, since his only value to her was the money she could squeeze him for.

Your life afterward will be a relatively brief period of hate, grief, anger, and gradual discovery of joy again. Focus on recovery and one day you’ll be able to laugh at it all. Happens to millions of us.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  Nearlyfree

Nearlyfree, thank you so much for this synopsis. My ex always was selfish but I just didn’t see it. And I need to stop being jealous of Schmoopie.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

I admit that I feel jealous and envious this week as my habitually cheating STBX jets off to a tropical island with his latest partner. It’s ironic that the he told the court and everybody else that he couldn’t and shouldn’t pay child support–for the kids he supposedly loves so much and needs to protect from me, the terrible parent, but he can take new partner on vacation from his stressful life, which involves bonking his new interest ’round the clock as he is voluntarily unemployed while I work two jobs, study, and raise our kids. I guess that, to him, feeding kids more than once/week is optional but flying affair partners to exotic locales to be wined and dined is mandatory. Oddly, before jetting off, he told our kids that he didn’t want to divorce me, their mother. Interpretation: ‘I want my wife to support my disreputable lifestyle but people to think that I am virtuous so that they will respect me.’ He also told the kids that we never took this tropical vacation because we parents had different priorities. He got that right. While I worked, studied, and raised kids almost completely in his absence, he was secretly using his time and OUR money on illegal activities with other people. I need to remind myself that I deserve 10,000 times better than this cheating abuser.

Nearlyfree
Nearlyfree
9 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I’ve spent all night up with a sick four year old. My ex supposedly adores his 4 kids but he dips in and out of parenthood as and when he fancies. His mother hurled abuse at me says I’d turned the kids against their lovely daddy but he’s done that not me. It’s so hard being left with all the responsibility. I feel I’m suffering the consequences of his teenage carefree lifestyle. But who would want the life founded on lies and deceit they now have. I will never understand the ow who think they are so special they can collude in a man walking away from his family

Nearlyfree
Nearlyfree
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thankyou! Just got through a hideous weekend of child sickness and non stop clearing up. Woke up in a deep gloom thinking life was over. Facing another week of work and school runs etc. Read this and feel more positive. Irony is he’s run off from responsibility of 4 kids with a 20 something who will want her own! She will not be the main earner like I was. I can’t understand where either of them think their relationship will go

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you for being there for chumps!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Good point, CL:
“But here’s the thing with mightiness. It’s slow. It’s one brave act after the other.”

Mightiness is slow. Tortoise and the hare…

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Before my XH separated, for years while I was living with his entitled lazy ass self…I would ask him to do something with the kids… like pick them up and he would say, “No, you do it” and I would… but I developed a mantra at that time which was, ‘That’s okay ROMOB, single mother’s do this all the time.’ It was such good practice for when we finally split and he walked away with no custody and a lame excuse. As much as you trust he sucks… trust that no matter what the challenge your children are so much better off than growing up without a disordered, cheater nutter. Why, because your love is a rock, a boulder, a mountain.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ha CL, time to post that on the thread Did the Karma Bus come for them… this is a good one.

Red
Red
9 years ago
Reply to  Nearlyfree

Nearlyfree – it IS a challenge, doing all the work alone, and there were many times I resented that when the going got tough, he just walked away and dumped it all on me. But I’ve come to appreciate it more and more. Why? Because he’s a self-centered, disordered wingnut, and I don’t want my kids modeling his behavior now or 30 years from now. If they don’t see it, they won’t.

As for your MIL saying you “turned the kids against him,” ignore it. Cheaters alienate everyone when they put themselves first, and they’re delusional if they think you’ll continue to sing their praises when you’re up all night with a sick kid, dealing with car troubles, or telling a child he can’t have something because your budget is so tight, it squeaks. Single parenthood sucks. And why are you a single parent? Because your cheater cheated. He IS the bad guy. There’s no other way to look at it.

Nearlyfree
Nearlyfree
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Karma, It’s hard isn’t it to stop feeling jealous. I still get ‘She’s won’ moments but then I focus on all the lazy, selfish, feckless behaviour. We’re the winners!

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  Nearlyfree

Nearlyfree, I hear you. My ex’s Schmoopie is a widow with two young children. How could she expose them to such a narcissist? How could she start an affair with him while he and I were still in a supposedly committed relationship? What kind of behaviour is she modelling for her kids? It. Makes. No. Sense. All I can think of is that she’s won a real prize, hasn’t she. I certainly hope that we’re the winners in this game with no rules.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Jackass’s MOW? Three kids. Married. Her mother and siblings crushed by the death of eldest son in family. And she starts an affair with a man who is in a committed relationship. These people are (like narcissists) looking for validation and self-worth outside of themselves. While we’ll never know exactly how they suffer, going forward, we do know that they have (as CL would say) crappy life skills and no idea about being a healthy separate person. I sure felt jealous of MOW in the first weeks and months. Now I see how working to recover my own life has put me on a completely different level of functioning than this pair of hollow people. That’s what Karma is for them–over and over experiencing the need to fill the black hole inside and finding out over and over that (1) normal people eventually see throughout their masks, and (2) there aren’t enough kibbles in the world to fill them up.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

LAJ, thanks for sharing that and for your articulate insights, as always. I still don’t understand how anyone can be a responsible parent and become an affair partner. I feel sorry for my ex’s Schmoopie’s kids if he’s going to be their stepdad. He hates children. He got a vasectomy before he even met me. But I guess she’s so sparkly that he’s changed his mind, eh. Well, we’ll see how long that lasts.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

What happened to husband #1 is what I want to know… did he die of natural causes?

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago

You mean did Schmoopie hasten her husband’s death? I don’t know. I only found out about the fact that she’s a widow with two young kids from our MC. Fucktard had told her about it (on his own) and she casually mentioned it to me when I saw her on my own, because the MC assumed I knew. Frankly, I don’t want to know anything else about the skank.

Charles
Charles
9 years ago

Dear Charles. Wait a bit and get your head around this. Don’t run to your wife and show her the evidence you found and expect her to be contrite! She is on a different planet than you right now. Your marriage is over and you have to face that.

You will have to find a way to access strength and power and resolve in yourself that you didn’t know existed before. Your life is going to suck for a while, so how will you find a way to triumph in the end?

This is my fantasy advice which of course I would never do: go beat the living shit out of the dude before your wife knows that you know. Turn his face into a bloody pulp. That way he won’t be pretty anymore.

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago

Dear Karma Express,

Do not do the pick-me dance. His reconciliation attempts are faux. When he asks, “Do you want me to leave?”, say “Yes, get your shit out of my condo in seven days.” When he starts crying when he’s trying to reconcile, and says it’s because his Schmoopie will be “so disappointed,” take that as a sign that he’s not really going to try to make your relationship work. Don’t let him stay in your place for another two months, because he’s going to break up with you by email and it will be the worst two months of limbo in your life. He’s betrayed you in the worst possible way and you cannot share a roof with that man, let alone your heart. Be strong and kick him to the curb. Rip off the bandage fast. Expose your wounds to the air. You will heal.

juliet
juliet
9 years ago

Dear Juliet,
Your husband isn’t the man you thought he was and he’s shown you that so, remember
1. It isn’t your fault he cheated and
2. Empty the joint bank a/c and hire that solicitor NOW, not next week.
3.Take anything you value from the house and leave it at Jane Doe’s for safety
4. Don’t speak to him/apologise/explain – all communication via solicitor’s office.
5. The other women wasn’t better than you or special, she was just available – don’t make her more important than was is.

You deserve better than this sack of runny poop.

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago

Dear DoneNow,

Run! Run far, run fast. He’s not who you think he is. You’re confused because none of this seems possible with the man you think you know. Pay attention to that confusion, and find support. Find more than one marriage counselor out of the phone book to talk to. Tell your Mom because she’ll set you straight on what to believe and what you’re being stupid about. Tell everyone. Don’t stay because it’s easier, because you’ll pay for it later. Find your way back to what you wanted for yourself and your life. You won’t regret it.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

DoneNow…….”He’s not who you think he is. You’re confused because none of this seems possible with the man you think you know.” Goes for me too!!!

Charles
Charles
9 years ago

So many of these replies say something like “he/she is not who you thought.” That’s the hardest part I think — because it means your life was not what you thought it was.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Charles and Maree: Positively this is what I struggle with the most…..the, not who I thought he was and he never loved me. It’s quite unreal to me; bad nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from! It’s been a 1 year and 3 months since I left and there hasn’t been one single day that it is not constantly on my mind. It sickens me that he continues to take up my brain space and to him, I’m sure at this point I am in his very distant past. Lots of hate still……….

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

IHaveHate,

I’ve said this before, but it might be worth repeating. Sometimes the Dr Jekyll, Mr. Hyde revelation is so shocking (for whatever reason) that you have to actually mourn the person you thought you were with. After living with my ex for 22 years, I really felt more like he had died, than just cheated (a lot). There was so much more that changed-it was like he became a completely different person. Most of that was him (personality disorder and a brain injury), and some of it was my stuff. But treating it like a death has been the best way for me to heal. The person I loved is gone. I give myself permission to feel really bad about that. But at some point I had to pick myself up a little and start to deal with what I was left with. It’s not easy, especially with children. But it’s easier not to be angry all the time if I let myself be really sad about what we (the children and I) lost, whether it was ever real or not. I don’t know if that helps.

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

Hate & Done…. Yes! Its impossible to wrap your brain around the dual personality. It is what i struggle with most. I watch now from a distance how he morphs from one to the other… The fake shit eatting grin one minute …Turn the corner and he is narrow eyed and full of venom… And just as quick reverts back. Reminds me of Chritian Bale in American Psycho… Sitting at the restaurant eating dinner after he has ripped someone in two with a chain saw. Thats my guy.
Unfortunately his skill or talent for duplicity was encouraged and enhanced by his job. Years of uncover work… And he honed that skilled until it became a natural part of him. It felt good to him… He like the power behind it. And it slowly leaked into our lives and he gained the first power surge when he got away with the first lie.
Its disordered and its fed …. Much like any other addiction or mental health problem. These people function well and are often praised… Stroked… For their actions. They suck the goodness out of you… Out of your story… Out of reality. Shiity thing is they are never satiated…if their intent was to do harm and be done… We would be ok. Damage done. Move on. Nope. Not for them. The high is the continued suffering they inflict then still feel the entitlement to want the ‘ normal life with you’
Thats the fucked up part that leaves you fucking hollow. And you sit and think I will never get that part of me back.
Yup …. Its hate. And its ok for now… Cause it gives me the power to keep him out of my life until I can recover and rebuild. I am good with the snide comments’ your bitter” ” you just cant get over it” yup….and all I think is …. So what if I am. Fuck u.

freeatlast
freeatlast
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Done Now I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you mean when you say “it doesn’t feel like he cheated, it feels like he died”. Where is the loving father, the loving spouse that we thought we had? How is it that he was replaced with someone who lies constantly and engages in elaborate acts of deception? Certainly the OW has no prize, she must know that if he could do this to his family he can certainly do it to her as well. The possibility that he could undergo a conversion experience and become a moral and ethical person is far-fetched indeed.

freeatlast
freeatlast
9 years ago
Reply to  freeatlast

In my case the karma bus has arrived…my xH has no job, no income, no family, no credibility. According to rumor he lives off of homewrecker. Ah the poetic justice! She gets to pay for the mess she made…and wonder if he is lying to her constantly like he did to us.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  Charles

THIS !! Another hard thing to fathom Charles is that they, in my case ex husband never really loved us/me. After 37 years of marriage all I am left with are my thoughts.

Charles
Charles
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Hi Maree. I have been thinking the same thing about my wife’s love/not love for me. I don’t know if she thought of love in the same way as me. I always thought it was weird that she would try to compare or contrast me to past boyfriends/lovers/etc. It was almost as if my wife couldn’t figure out her own feelings, or didn’t have any, or didn’t feel authentically for anything at all without some sort of framing narrative to make sense of what she was experiencing. So she was a bit of a shell without anything real inside. But Maree — if we want to move forward maybe we can remember the good things and not feel bitter. We did not cheat. We did not betray the trust of the ones we loved the most. But that might also mean we are not damaged in the way our spouses are/were. I take solace in that a little.

I have been trying so hard over the past few months to like my own company. That’s a big first step I think.

You don’t just have your thoughts. Your life was real. In some ways the man you loved was not who you thought he was, but that doesn’t invalidate everything YOU lived for.

Take care ok?

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Hey guys, yes your feelings are valid. Now knowing that a huge chipmunk of your adult life was fabricated is unbelievable. We married shitty people. People who are excellent actors and vapid soul sucking vampires.

Yes we are left with memories and thoughts. Accept the past. I think that is part of the MEH. It is a part of your history but it is not who you are. I’m not at meh, but actively working to it.

ANC
ANC
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Not a CHIPMUNK! A CHUNK. CHUNK! Autocorrect kills me.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC, I knew what the word was supposed to be but chipmunk was great in that sentence.

Meadowlands
Meadowlands
9 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

The “Huge Chipmunk of Adult Life” sounds like a cartoon waiting to happen.

Maree
Maree
9 years ago
Reply to  ANC

🙂 we all understand ANC. Autocorrect drives me insane which isn’t too hard to do these days!!!

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Chipmunk cute and fuzzy on the outside, a voracious little rodent for the rest. Sometimes auto correct has zen.

rockstarwife
rockstarwife
9 years ago

Dear RockStarWife,
You always wondered why your relationship with your husband didn’t feel quite right. Now you know why–your husband was and is an antisocial (sociopathic), borderline, narcissistic cheater. He broke his vows and several laws for decades. Don’t consider reconciliation for even a moment. Prepare to flee. Gather financial and legal information and file. Don’t wait. With every minute you delay, he is harming you and the kids financially and emotionally. You are in danger, being threatened by the person who vowed to protect you. Unfortunately, you cannot completely protect the kids whether or not you stay married to their father. Disabuse yourself of the notion that your ‘husband’ is honest, kind, and calm. He is not. It’s time to be your own hero. You will stumble, but nonetheless, you will be proud of yourself.

TimeToGo
TimeToGo
9 years ago

Dear TimeToGo,

Do not feel guilty about breaking up the family. He is the one that is responsible for this. You gave him more than enough chances. He will never be able to give you the secure, loving, trusting relationship you deserve. Stop wasting time and being worried about his feelings. He was not worried about your feelings. Don’t let him get off easy. He will try to take advantage of you…he will take your engagement and wedding ring and hide them and he will tell you that you should be the one to move out. Don’t let him get away with this. He is the one that did wrong Not You. Fight for what is yours. The kids will be okay, they will be happy and loved with a happy mom. Time to go.

TodoVa
TodoVa
9 years ago

Dear TodoVa,

No, this is not your fault.
No, he nor this defines you in any way, shape or form.
No, this is not your shame to carry.
NO, NO, hell to the NO does this have anything to do with his “low self-esteem”.

Yes, he is a cheater and a liar. Repeat as necessary.
Yes, you will survive this.
Yes, you will survive AND thrive. {I had to say this over and over again, really}
Most importantly, YES, you will love again. {still waiting on this one 😉 }

You laughed, you lived, you loved. Now, WAKE THE FUCK up and hit him where it hurts!

You were a bad ass before you met him. Don’t lose yourself any more than you already have. There is a whole NEW world waiting for you to discover; opportunities that, while being with this cheater asswipe, you will never find if you stay.

Move it along sweetie, you have no where to go but up!!!

if you ever feel you need a hug, support, advice, ANYTHING, go to chumplady.com. She and chump nation will save your life…literally!!!

Much love, TodoVa

angelgirl
angelgirl
9 years ago

Dear Angelgirl,

Hire that private investigator and find out the truth, instead of spending months trying to figure out what he was doing. Go thru the contacts on his phone and see what truth is there. Do NOT try to convince yourself that he is lying, just know that if his lips are moving, he is lying. And he is REALLY GOOD AT IT!

Go hire and lawyer and file immediately. Thirty eight years of this shit is enough. He does not love you and or anyone else except himself. You are the just a meal ticket to him, that’s it.

Margo
Margo
9 years ago

Dear Margo,

TRUST YOUR GUT!

Find that strong, independent woman you know you are. You may have pushed her deep down into that hole in your heart because of all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse you have suffered, but FIND HER and get your shit together!

You don’t deserve to be treated like a second class citizen. You don’t deserve all this gaslighting about his “friend” Fuck that! You know what’s going on. Oh and don’t do that pick me dance trying to hold the family together. There is no family. That POS doesn’t do anything to help you, the kids, or the upkeep of the house. You already are a single parent, so don’t be afraid to take that step! You can do this. Get your kids away from him so they don’t grow up to be like him. Get out now before the damage is done.

Tell your family what’s going on. Your best friends know and are there for you, but let the family know what a scumbag he is. What he does to you and his kids. How he thinks that he’s entitled to have his cake and eat it too.

Go to counseling, get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Do this now! Because ten years from now you are going to be miserable.

Don’t engage in contact with him. Its hard with kids, but he will continue to twist you up and pull you into arguments and get you to behave just like him. DON”T let him do this. It will be extremely hard, but try your best.

You deserve to be happy! Your sons deserve to be happy! File those divorce papers and move on to the life you know you deserve!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

DM,

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

You are in no ways responsible for her choices, and you are in no ways responsible for “fixing” this. She already cheated on you emotionally (minimally), and fixing that is completely on her. You did not “drive her to it.” The sin flowed out of her heart alone. So, she alone can address it through actual repentance.

Be strong and willing to walk away. Do not engage in conversation with her about the marriage until she has completely cut it off with the OM to your satisfaction. And do not accept any of the shame.

If anyone starts to blame you, remind them that you did not choose adultery but she did and she chose not to repent. It is lamentable but is 100% on her.

You will find true love again and life will be much better. Life gets better for you. You don’t have to settle for living in the madness.

Hugs,
DM (older)

Chumpy
Chumpy
9 years ago

Dear Chumpy,

Your intuition that has never been wrong is screaming at you and you are not listening. It’s killing your insides. You see the writing on the wall so clearly. Your dreams showed you that it was wrong. Stubborn woman! I guess you are going to have to walk through the fire and get burned again before you learn.

On the positive side you will find Chumplady and Chump Nation. You will finally get the answers, the wisdom, the insight. You will KNOW what animal you are dealing with and that you could have shat gold bullion and it would not have made a difference. Make peace with this and remember to love yourself. Forgive yourself Chumpy. Believe that the best is yet to come.

Carol
Carol
9 years ago

Dear Carol:

Don’t send him a thousand or more angry emails. He ran out of your life when you told him you knew he was cheating on you (again) because he doesn’t want to listen to how you feel. You know he’s a coward chicken shit cheater who can’t take responsibility for anything he ever does that is wrong because it just doesn’t fit into his self-image as that man who would never ever hurt a living creature. So, don’t try to beat a dead horse. He’s just not capable of caring how you feel about how he betrayed you in the worst way. He’s not capable of empathy. He sucked the life out of you, took what he wanted and felt resentful when you didn’t have anything left to give him, and he went looking for kibbles elsewhere. He doesn’t care how you feel. Don’t waste your time on those emails. You will never get what you need or want, emotionally, from him. It’s impossible. He’s not a giver, even though on the surface it appears he is, with all that charm and love bombing he does in the beginning. You know what happens when he’s caught doing something wrong…you have to take the blame…it was always your fault when he screwed up…So, this time, now that you are unwilling to play the Blame Shift Game any longer…it’s going to be different. He’s not going to respond. He can’t do it any differently because he just can’t take responsibility. So, let it go. Concentrate on something that will benefit you. Let him go. He’s not worth it. He’s never going to care about you, he’s not sorry for what he did. His goal is to minimize the damage to his life. He’s going to lie to everyone who will listen. He’s going to drop everyone like a hot potato who he suspects won’t believe his lies, including the kids. He’s going to do everything he can do to keep his image intact. You can’t change this and you don’t want to try.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Carol- well said!!
This seems to be a common Cheater Type (Borderline, Cluster B?).
That idea of ‘ I’m the guy who wouldn’t hurt a fly!’ – Boy, have I lived with that!
They suck you in because they seem so very kind. My X would stop and move a Snail off the walkway, so no one would step on the little darling! Of course, preferably someone was watching!
Then I think of his Shark Eyes, so devoid of feeling, the day I was begging him to stop going over to the neighbor’s house every F-ing day. So creepy.

DeeL
DeeL
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

“He sucked the life out of you, took what he wanted and felt resentful when you didn’t have anything left to give him, and he went looking for kibbles elsewhere.” We were married to the same kind of animal dressed in sheep’s clothing.

willow
willow
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Carol, this is what I am going through right now! I am still in the midst of my chumpdom and haven’t found my way out. Only positive thing is finding all the sound advice on this site.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Carol…….were we with the same person?

Blindsided
Blindsided
9 years ago

Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. Trust that the universe has your back. Do NOT by any means
give this POS a second chance, doing so will only prolong the pain and send his affair underground. He will continue to sleep with her, get a throw away phone and humiliate you in the worst way possible; transparency is an illusion. Just like cockroaches, they will find sneakier ways to get around their obstacles – which happens to be you. Prepare yourself for character assassination and social shunning from his family. It will be YOUR fault. He is the villain playing the victim. Let him play. Let them fall for his delusional version of events. They do not matter. Yes it will be painful, but you will overcome this by the awesome support of your family and friends. You are not alone. Solitude will bring peace and although it does not seem like it now, peace will come. Leave the drama behind. Face your fears. Make up for lost time. Just believe that with each passing day the pain is replaced with courage and strength. Go no contact; the mind fuck stops TODAY. Namaste.

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
9 years ago

Mine will be simple….Run, not walk to the lawyer’s office, file and don’t look back. Anyone who would bring the whore he was sleeping with on the side to babysit his children is a douche not worth staying married to.

scarlett27
scarlett27
9 years ago

My love,

You are hurting, you feel broken, you cannot understand how it is possible, but it is. Wake the Fuck up and look into your future 5 months from now! You will be in a way better place than you have ever been in these past 4 years. You are finally free of his lies and his fake world! Your life is now yours again. Do not cry one more tear for that motherfucker! he does not deserve it. Accept where you are at in your life this very moment and don’t be scared. He robbed you of something you will never get back, YOUR TIME! So move on as quickly as possible, focus on yourself and your daughter! Life always goes on and every day is a new day! I LOVE YOU!

Red
Red
9 years ago

Dear Red,

Put his sh*t on the lawn, change the locks, and file for divorce.

He’s turned into his father. He’s not going to get rid of OW, he’s not going to “snap out of it” and “come to his senses,” and he doesn’t give a damn about you or the kids.

Remember when he promised you that “He’d never do to you what his father did to his mother?” Yeah, well, he’s doing it. And the best way to handle it is like ripping off a bandaid: quickly and all at once. Yes, it will be excruciating, yes, you will cry a river of tears. But the sooner you get it over with, the better.

He wants out? Kick him out. You flourished before him. You’ll do the same once he’s gone. Trust me.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
9 years ago
Reply to  Red

I love your letter Red.
I cried for a whole damn year! And, drank and took up smoking, of all the crazy things. Now, I am back to my normally health-focused life. I forgive myself, it was temporary insanity. I guess I just had to get it out, after what he did to me.

minime1224
minime1224
9 years ago
Reply to  Red

My Ex use to say the same thing to me what a scum his father was and he would never treat me that way. I think he was worse 🙁 But his mother was a crazy woman I was the nice quiet girl he always wanted, he went with another crazy bitch. ha ha

MightyMite
MightyMite
9 years ago
Reply to  minime1224

minime1224,
I think you wrote my post for me. My husband told me for years that since he had to live through watching how awful his dad’s cheating was on his mom, he would NEVER do that to me. And I too, think that my stbx is worse than his father. His father was a scumbag cheater and didn’t pretend to be anything different. His son, on the other hand, wants people to believe he is a saint when he is really a monster. And his mother is f****d up crazy! And I believe his affair partner (from my brief experiences with her) is crazy too…just like him…they attracted each other and I know they’ll destroy each other.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  MightyMite

My XBF’s father had an entire other family: 4 kids in addition to XBF’s 4 siblings. XBF and siblings went to visit the other family frequently (super sick huh?) XBF told me his ‘saintly’ mother accepted all this. I learned later that was not the case-she lived her life as a shattered, understandably bitter woman. Upon father’s death, he left his entire considerable estate to one son from the other family.

XBF’s bro1 grew up to also have an additional family of 3 kids in additional to his marital 2.

In speaking with bro2, I learned XBF had cheated his entire life–from puppy love all the way through two marriages and beyond.
When I met XBF, he told me his wife had cheated on him and he divorced her. “I would never cheat on anyone, it hurt sooooo bad” he said with fake tears in his eyes. I eventually spoke to his XW she had a completely different take on who cheated on who. After a marriage of suspicions, she literally walked in on him and a woman he had just bonked in a model home where he worked–she threw him out then and there.

I had met and emailed with XBF’s female cousin. When I expressed my anguish as to what I had endured due to her cousin’s behavior, she was strangely non-judgmental of him. She made very few comments to bolster me–the strongest was ‘that’s just wrong!’.

One day she confessed to me that she had been in an (at the least) emotional affair with her first real boyfriend (“T”) for 23 yrs– during her entire marriage. A few months after the confession, he moved to her area and they were meeting up. She broke it off with him and immediately turned her sights on her male friend (“J” )who she played pool with every weekend, leaving their spouses at home. His wife was her best friend. Sickened at what I was suspecting was going to happen next, I let our messaging dwindle. I got a text out of the blue one morning that she was in his home (with his wife in the other room), “OMG! He just kissed me and it was GOOD!”. I was nauseated and did not reply. A few days later, she wrote that her husband discovered the text and all the emails she had sent me containing the vague details of both her dalliances. (I had NEVER been encouraging in my responding messages, actually they were designed to make her consider her deceitful actions).

In her obvious attempt to curry sympathy for being caught, she admitted that she used ME as her scapegoat-she told her husband she had made up both “T” and “J” because I loved drama and she was merely entertaining me. Her husband didn’t buy that load of crap and her marriage became even more fractured. I extracted myself from all communication with the toxic disordered, remorseless woman.

Talk about a tangled skein of familial fuckedupness!!!

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Hesatthecurb–Your story does not surprise me. (It’s very sad, and must have been a terrible shock to you). But my Ex came from a family with similarly intergenerational cheating and bigamy, and cross generation cheating, and responses of “it’s just a little mistake”, and I’m not judging”. I cut them all out of everything, which is sad for my daughter since she loses 1/2 her family at a single go. At least my ex-SIL is also a chump–we’ve remained closer, closer, even, and her kids too. What a mess.

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
9 years ago
Reply to  minime1224

Daddy issues! Yes, my cheater hated his father most of his life, said he’d never let his near his own future children. Last year, after he and I had our three kids, he left me for another. She is without her own children and represents a freedom he feels he never got to really explore in his own childhood. So at 40, he began his teenage rebellion, leaving his marriage to me in his wake. I don’t blame her for the breakup (this was his decision alone) but I think she is a tasteless individual with no ability to display moral behaviour.

Misfits justify their misfit behaviour by reading philosophy books about liberal thinkers in ancient Greece and loudly exclaiming “fuck you” to anyone that gets in their way… such as his chump wife and three little kids. Idiot.

Chumpita
Chumpita
9 years ago

June 30 2006

Dear Chumpita,

It is over. Don´t believe that it was only a one night kiss after some drinks, a mistake. You caught him red handed kissing a married woman a few feet away from the room where your toddler and baby were sleeping. He had parties at your home while you were exhausted from looking after the babies and working full time. You are not a party pooper. He is an asshole. Any man who would have that lack of respect for you in your own home does not love you. He only uses you to keep up his image. Don´t believe a word that he says or the stupid excuses of this woman who acted like your friend. She has been his friend for four years and you actually believe this was the only time they had a kiss? Please, wake up! But don´t be so hard on yourself. I understand why you want to believe his regretful words and accept his gift of roses. It is the first time he gives you roses! Why didn´t he give them to you before, just for loving you? No, he is scared that he will loose his cake so he is trying hard to recover your trust in him. Remember what he said when two of your girlfriends with babies were cheated on? He justified it: he said that one was frigid and the other one was angry (because of what he heard from their cheating husbands). Please understand that he said that to justify his own actions, not theirs. He probably says the same thing about you because you are so exhausted from taking care of the babies and working full time.

Once a cheater always a cheater. If you forgive him now he will cheat on you again. You make more money than he does and your kids are small. It will be less traumatic now for the babies who will not know an alternative way of living than if this happens when they are older and can understand. If you wait longer, they will also be traumatized because he will be betraying them as well. So leave him NOW! Don´t wait another minute….plus you have free legal advice from your colleagues and friends and help from your family who have never really liked him because of how angry he is and how he treats you. Please get out NOW! Don´t believe anything he says! He is a liar and a cheater! Trust that he sucks! You will be fine ! Divorcing him now will open a new window of opportunities for a better life and wonderful people to surround you!

I love you. You will be fine.

Chumpita.

(Unfortunately, CL didn´t exist at that time…and here you have me writing this letter eight years later, after two more OWs that I know of….though I did sort of tell myself some of the above, it was too painful to believe them and too scary to leave at that time)

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Hi Chumpita,

I can relate with you about the young children. My XH had me and my kids duped. We were all being groomed for about six months. He was organising the OW to come over for coffee/lunch/ god knows what, every Friday during the day while I was at work. My kids at the time this started were 4, 2 and five months old.

He told me he wanted out, just before my youngest’s 1st birthday. I was in utter shock of course. I just couldn’t comprehend what my recently, loving partner was doing to me. He really dredged up some shit and completely smashed my love for him to bits(talking about ten years of feeling this way, that I could never give him what he was after, that he was not going to settle, that he was not going to be begged or pleaded with…)

All of the rest, I had to work out for myself. And I have.

Thankfully the letter I would have written to myself today pretty much outlines what I did do on a practical level. The heart just took a bit longer to catch up. I got finances in order pretty quickly. I got a parenting plan drawn up right after he and the OW got back from an overseas holiday in Hawaii (where he reckons he missed the kids terribly – what a twat) and I got the house on the market and moved in to mum’s with them. For my mum and his mum and for my practical head, I’m forever grateful.

Meanwhile, I cried in the shower, hid under the doona (when the kids were with him and OW), barely ate, went to boxercise classes, wondered who would ever want to get together with me after this, questioned this apparent lie I’d been living, thought about how in hell I was going to do this all properly with my three kids- not even in school – oh my goodness, the list goes on

Nine months after D-day I’m at the pointy end of sorting out the pooled resources and set to take on approx. 90%. For the sake of myself and my kids. I’ve done this fairly quietly and methodically and will not negotiate. After all, he gave me no voice in his move to wish to screw another person’s brains out ( who wasn’t breastfeeding, sleep – deprived or the mother to his three children).

He now lives a Dominant lifestyle with his Submissive OW. She does as she is told and he’d be loving the fact that she won’t question him. He never liked arguing and what’s more, he used to like that I’d respectfully challenge him on topics from time to time.

Frankly, I think he’s a €¥~+. So does his own mother. I do worry what sort of example he is now setting for my kids when they are with him. I’ll just chime in from the sidelines every so often, as I’ll refuse to play his little dom/sub games and he knows that full well. When my kids are teenagers and begin clashing with authority – which I will know he’ll just love that (not) – I guess I’ll just undermine his (which is something I never did while together) each and every fucking time.

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago

Dear Daisy,

On your first D-Day (yes I said FIRST) when he asks if you want him to leave say yes. It turns out that this wasn’t “just” a single affair. It was years of porn, sex with strippers, three affairs and more sex with strippers all of which put you at serious risk of STDs and devastated your family financially. Telling him to leave the first time will save you four years of humiliating pick-me dancing (he wants you to greet him at the door every night when he comes home from work [or strip club visits] and you DO IT, God help you) before D-Day #2. You will find you are a better parent without his constant criticism of both you and the kids. Make him leave the first time and you will come out of this that much faster and that much better. You can do it. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Love,
Daisy

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago

Dear Ms. Hill,

You’ve just read an email from a business associate of your (now X) husband. Part of it says, “I miss you”. So that’s why he looks forward to those business trips to NC. And, now, suddenly he’s significantly stepped up the shitty treatment of you, and you can’t figure out why? (pulling desperately on my neck, trying to keep in from plunging into the sand).

You know, he’s always been a problem. He never cared you (plural) were behind on your bills – that’s YOUR problem to fix, Ms. Hill. Got fired from his awesome part-time job for mouthing off? Oh well!! “That son-in-law of his is an asshole”, he says, and *this* is why he got fired. Yeah, right. Remember nothing is ever his fault??. He has to be nagged into finishing business projects so you could get SOME money in to pay bills. And why is he so against YOU getting a great job to help with income? THAT is considered abandonment? COME ON Ms. Hill. WAKE THE FUCK UP. He is now also becoming outright abusive to your young child. (I’m needing a tow winch to keep that damned head out of the sand)

What more of a warning that this guy is an absolute FUCK UP do you need?

Start preparing NOW. It might take a couple of years, but, you put up with his bullshit for this long, you could go on WHILE properly preparing. You don’t know it now, but, you could have handled it. It would have been tough – probably as tough as it is now – but you would be better prepared and given yourself more time to recover.

Blindsided
Blindsided
9 years ago

Oh and how could I forget one of the most important things…do not be passive about taking what is rightfully yours. Take half his pension. Who cares if doing so will drag out the divorce. I know you want out and that his threats, intimidation and harassment cause concern, but do not allow him to make you walk away with less than you deserve. And if he lays his hands in you because of it, then go through with charges, which you should of done when he choked you. So what if he takes some of your 401k; it is a one time payout and can be rebuilt. Make him pay you every single month for the rest of his life. Maybe next time he will think twice before going after skanky strange. Probably not, but at least you would be getting a monthly paycheck.

Fish full of sharks
Fish full of sharks
9 years ago

Dear TaraBelle,

Stop. Breathe. Listen. Take comfort in the fact you care and love and live. Always remember that there are shitty asshole fucktard mindfuckers who want nothing more than to break your spirit and eat your soul. Why? Because they have nothing inside them of substance. They want what you have because they lack ‘everything’ you are and ‘everything’ you stand for. Re-read ‘Protecting the Gift’ by Gavin de Becker. Pull your shit kickers (with spurs) out of the closet. Grab the shovel and put that pile of shit right back where it belongs! NOT. ON. YOU.
You are strong.
You are brave.
You are not alone! You will be alone if you stay with this man. This man does not have your back. He is putting you on a pedestal so he can knock you the fuck off it. He is all show and no go. Remember your roots girl.

Don’t let him have another second, minute, hour or day of your fire. Save your love for your son and the child this man will help you bring into this world. She is your journey. Not him.

Love,
Your future self

PS. He will NEVER have what it takes to take what YOU HAVE!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago

Fish full of sharks……..”He will NEVER have what it takes to take what YOU HAVE!” LOVE THIS!!!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago

Dear Moving Liquid, this is me (you) and I am your guardian angel. Don’t panic. You’ve been wanting to get away from him for years and now he’s given you that opportunity. Those thoughts of suicide must go away now and forever.

As impossible as it is to believe right now I swear that in one year you’ll be a different woman. In two years you’ll be completely recovered. Does that sounds like a long time? It’s not.

Think about it, ML, you’ll be free of him and his drama. You’ll be financially independent for the first time in your life, you’ll be running your own business. You’ll be surrounded by the love of your daughter and parents who only want you to succeed and be happy.

You’ll find a church family — you’ll find God again after a very long estrangement. You’ll feel peace for the first time in years. All you have to do is believe me and hang on.

And go to http://www.chumplady.com and http://www.divorceminister.com for support from amazing people. You can do this, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.

P.S. I love you.

Doglover
Doglover
9 years ago

Dear Doglover, you kicked his sorry ass out. Don’t take him back…let him go. Read chumplady and move on.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
9 years ago

Dear Eilonwy,

You are a fair, often generous, person, but you lack confidence in regard to your relationship. He will use this flaw against you for as long as he can. So, decide now to draw your lines in the sand very deeply. Do not back down; do not negotiate; do not try to make things easier or friendlier or nicer. Every time you agree to an inch, he will take a mile and kick sand in your eyes as he bulldozes on past you. Ignore every complaint he makes about “fairness.” No one else has ever accused you of being selfish or greedy or grasping or punitive–so don’t listen to him; you already know he is untrustworthy and paying no heed to your well-being or that of the kids. I promise that you will regret every “nice” thing you do for him from here on out–because soon you will learn that what you thought was”nice” behavior was just the last few months of chumpiness as he works to manipulate the property and child custody agreements to forefront his own ego. You could give him every penny and agree that he could always have the kids as much as he wanted and could ignore them as much as he wanted and he would still claim you had “destroyed him.” Nothing you can do will change that, so for heaven’s sake stop listening to him.

Yours,
An older, wiser, and much happier, Eilonwy

MJD
MJD
9 years ago

Dear MJD,

You will feel like a bomb just exploded in your heart. Your life will feel like it is crumbling around you, but it won’t. Now is your time to flex your muscles and show that you are stronger than he is, just like you always knew you were. He never had your interests in mind, and he will try to break you, but you are a fucking rock and you know it. You will defeat him and his stupid charade of anger. He will be angry with you, he will tell you that you were a “disappointment” to him, and that your issues drove him to cheat. He is an addict, he cannot be trusted.

Picture yourself telling your little baby neice this story in 30 years, how you threw him out on his ass because you don’t play, and make that story a reality.

Dig deep, this will be bumpy. But you will be triumphant and have a life devoid of his complete and utter crybaby bullshit. Time to shine, sister.

Pupsticle
Pupsticle
9 years ago
Reply to  MJD

Go MJD! Your letter gives me the courage to face it again, thank you.

MJD
MJD
9 years ago
Reply to  Pupsticle

Go Pupsticle. You can do it!

Margaret
Margaret
9 years ago

I waited to add to this because I was busy at work, but reading them has brought me to tears on account of all of your posts, so similar and so inspiring. I can relate to every single word all you chumps have written. I would just say to my self of one and a half years ago:

Dear Muse,
Get up off the floor and stop begging! You don’t need all the horrific details. He’s already shown you who he really is: a cheater and liar and a coward who wouldn’t even admit it when confronted that awful night.

In the next 18 months you are going to be in pain as you try to reconcile the man you thought you lived with, with the abuser he really is and always was. Gradually the layers will peel away. You will step out of the fog and see him for who he always was all along, despite all your spackling and trust. The many times you forgave him for his raging temper and verbally abusing you in front of your children, should teach you that the only person who can establish your boundaries is YOU. You see, your forgiveness meant nothing to him because he never thought he was doing anything wrong; just like the cheating. It doesn’t matter what bad thing happened to him when he was little, something is seriously wrong with a man who fantasizes raping little girls. Something is wrong with a man who can get up in the morning and just lie to you about where he’s going for the day; who can carry on a seven year affair with his prior GF while living with you, who could have sent all those emails you found to yet another OW, many written within days, hours of your family gatherings that he was at with you and your entire family. And then the final OW, bringing her into our own home while you were at work, Muse, earning the money to pay for the house and all the food.

Of course it’s not your fault! He’s a selfish narcissist with a victim complex. Yet you apologized over and over to try to keep him from getting angrier. When he was not angry, you thought things were great. Well, they weren’t, you just got used to savoring the crumbs.

No crumbs for you anymore! you had the guts that very night to kick him out of the house! then to stand up to his gaslighting and hire an attorney! that fight will prove to be worth it so you can retire and live the life you always planned only now without the abusive cheater lording over you and blaming you for his misery. Thank God you never married this asshole. He will never be happy, not even all your sacrifices and trust and love could make him happy. That is OW’s problem now. I am proud of you!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  Margaret

Margaret……..I agree, the many posts on here has brought me to tears as well with their similarity in many ways to my own. I can pick a piece or more from each one here that applies to my nightmare, including yours. Thanks for your great post; we are all helping each other. Here we are, strangers, doing more for all of us, having empathy and compassion…..nothing even close to the narcissist cheaters that we knew and loved.

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

There were so many letters that had bits I could relate to. I copied many into yet another “Mighty CN” folder to look at when I’m feeling weak.

Susan
Susan
9 years ago

Dear Susan,

It’s over. He’s broken the trust. Get him out of the house NOW. Don’t live with him for nearly a year before telling the kids. They’re going to be okay. CHANGE THE LOCKS and force him out. Tell the girlfriends and the Book Club and all those at church what a lying, adulterous bastard he really is. No more being nice to him and hoping he’ll come around. He’s delusional and let him live in his mess.

Finish with the divorce. You got what you wanted. Now end it and sign it and celebrate your freedom.

Move on and have the life you always wanted. Travel and write and spend time with your family and friends and don’t waste time thinking of all the plans you made for the future because in reality he probably would have made you do it HIS way anyway. The narcissist has always been Momma’s boy. There’s a reason you didn’t really like her and now you are free to tell the world. Write that book and make a ton of money and laugh all the way to the bank!

You’re going to be fine and the girls will always be your joy. Embrace all the new things God has in store for you and keep your eyes wide open and put a smile back on your lips and in your eyes!

Love you to pieces,
(future) Susan

Karma Express
Karma Express
9 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan, I love your sassy advice to yourself. Your confidence is inspiring. Just the uplift I needed today when I’m feeling sorry for myself.

minime1224
minime1224
9 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Me tooo I feel like taking on the world now and my name isnt even Susan lol xxxxx

nicolette14
nicolette14
9 years ago

Dump him! Dump him! Dump him! Its not your responsibility to care or feel bad, if he has a place to stay or not! Dump him, go no contact and erase him completely out of your life instead of allowing him to continue to lie, deny, his gaslighting, mooching, and stealing. Throw him out, his shit out in trash bags and never look back! No need to look for answers or the whole truth, because you will NEVER get it from this person who has been lying to you from day one! Everything has been a lie and a man who truly loves you wouldn’t have cheated, lied and mooched! He is a disgusting scum in every way, nothing more!

HM
HM
9 years ago

Walk away, don’t look back, say nothing.

smartenup
smartenup
9 years ago

I assume there are chumps that go their whole lives putting up with the shit that their cheaters dole out time & time again? Do many Chumps go through multiple D-Days before they finally “trust they suck”? After D-Day 1, where they decide they are going to forgive, forget & reconcile, do they go on social media and post cutsie, “look at my perfect life” pictures & posts to try to convince themselves that their lives are normal & “perfect now”?? (But NOW were engaged!! & NOW we’re having babies. Look everything is perfect NOW) Is there EVER the possibility that once the Cheater gets caught (not first time offence, but first time caught!!!), that they have some kind of epiphany & straighten themselves out, never to cheat again??

TodoVa
TodoVa
9 years ago
Reply to  smartenup

Not in my case, and I suspect not for many others that contribute to this site. That’s why we are here.

Narcissists only think of themselves and have no epiphanies. If they do, it’s only to benefit themselves and hurt you further.

I had two DDays, 6 years apart. I only regret not getting rid of him the first time. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Smartenup
Smartenup
9 years ago
Reply to  TodoVa

Thank you TodoVa. That’s what my friends & I keep saying too … there’s just that little niggling part in the back of my head that keeps saying “but what if?”… (sigh)

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago
Reply to  Smartenup

Smart….for many of us we did listen to that voice… And tried to push it back… For our kids … Ours families… Andreally our own insecurities about being alone. If you can take away one message from all of these 300+ posts…. They dont change. If you feel in your heart you MUST give it your best college try…for God and country… Then be smart. Align your finances and make an exit plan. You have to go full heartedly into reconcilliation… Andif you cant… Walk sister. You have heard all the horror stories from us chumps who,chose to do the dance… And in the end it only prolonged the envitable. But if you must then proceed with these warnings and blessings. We understand.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Yes–if you must try reconciliation, do it from a position of economic and legal strength. Get your financial ducks in a row. Find the right divorce attorney in the even you need to file. Get a post-nup signed. And start re-building your own life–meaningful work, service, exercise, fun with friends and family. That’s your half of reconciliation–being a partner who is strong enough to be independent so as not to be an easy target for faux reconciliation. The remorse and character change part is on the cheater.

TodoVa
TodoVa
9 years ago
Reply to  Smartenup

I think, for the most part, that “but what if…” is what keeps us stuck. Because we try to rationalize this in some way, but in all reality, there’s nothing there to rationalize. NOTHING. Its just wasted time and lots of tears…

Change that “but what if” to “And when I’m rid of him…” This will open your eyes to the new life that awaits you.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

I wouldn’t change anything. He just walked out and I had no idea why. But I calmly stood my ground, told him his intentions to leave were not okay, refused to leave the house myself, and immediately called for legal advice. I understood there was no going back– He he left once, he would do it again, so the married was no good. When I found out about her, I collected my evidence, retained an attorney, and said nothing to him. He was not worth it.

The only thing I would say to me is to take time to take it easy on myself. The ensuing years are going to be a bitch for the reasons you anticipate. And just take the trip you want to France.

Kara
Kara
9 years ago

Dear Kara,

This hurts immensely right now, but really, think about it, does it surprise you?

It shouldn’t.

All the times he told you that porn was never a threat, how this girl was “just a friend” and that girl was “just being nice” and all the times he got mad at YOU when some creep street harassed you because he wanted that kind of attention. The time he told you if he went to Germany with his brother he’d try to take advantage the appeal of being American to get as many phone numbers as possible, “Just to say he did” or “Just to see how many.” (Also, do you really think you should be putting much stock in what his brother says about German men? The man is a douchebag, MRA, homophobe misogynist. I mean come on, the man actually said that women don’t belong in the military because they should be at home taking care of their kids, and he spent 40 minutes ranting about it. And your cheater-boy idolizes him.)

This girl might think she’s special, but she’s not. He’s just love-bombing her right now. She’s going on and on to you about how shitty her life has been so she somehow deserves the “happiness” he’s bringing her, but what you should know, and what she refuses to get now, is that he will eventually come to do something to her that is actually worse than what he’s doing to you now. If she wants to play the “my life is more miserable than yours” game, then she has preemptively won by both taking him into her life and deciding unprotected sex with him was a great idea.

Speaking of which, one day, when you are far away from this, and him, you will be sitting on a park bench in a harbor, preparing for the first week of rehearsal for the play in which you just got cast. You will be sitting with a guy who, though has a weirdness level equal to that of early 70’s David Bowie, will become your husband. He will look at you with his blue eyes and see the goddess of his heart. And this will be true all through your relationship. You will marry him. Yes, you will have the unconventional red wedding dress, the red roses and the red and black color scheme you dreamed of, but would never have had, with ex.

And really this is another reason why you shouldn’t be surprised you’re experiencing the pain of a D-day. The mention of marriage, or even just telling him how you and your best friend browsed a website that had pretty gowns on it, sent him running for the hills. Seriously, this is a blessing that you didn’t marry him. How many times did you tell him that he couldn’t afford a new car because he hadn’t yet paid RENT? Remember the time you told him he couldn’t afford, nor did he need, a new car at the dealership and found yourself being bullied by two salesmen AND him to pressure you into helping him pay for the car? How could he have been trusted with a joint checking account?!

No, Punk Dove (this is what your husband will lovingly call you) you don’t deserve that mess. He’s not marriage material, for you or for anyone who has any good sense. This isn’t an ideal relationship. This isn’t the best you can do and you need to stop telling yourself that this is the best you deserve. The only reason you think that is because of how small he’s made you feel. Someone who truly loves you will 1) NOT cheat on you and 2) Not make you feel like you deserve abuse. Mental or otherwise. Someone who really loves you will hear you say “You are the best ever and I love you more than anyone,” and they will say “I love you too, and you have made my life wonderful.” Someone who loves you will NOT say “I know,” or “That’s great,” or brush you off and say nothing at all.

When you’re sitting on that park bench (7 months from now. Seems like a long time, but don’t worry). Cheater-boy will text you. He will beg, he will whine, he will tell you he wants to get married and he misses you and then he will waste a lot of your time and his energy sending you long-winded messages full of things he supposedly “loves” about you. Ignore them. Ignore them ALL. He doesn’t love you. He’s RUNNING. Remember when I said his OW has already preemptively won the Whose Life Is Worse game? Well he got her pregnant and he’s trying to escape. Once you reject him, he’ll try to run back to her after she’s miscarried.

His love wasn’t genuine before, it isn’t now. SHUT. HIM. DOWN.

Because even after she miscarries and takes him back, he won’t stop trying to get you back. He’ll cry when you tell him you have a new person you love. He’ll whine and accuse you of making it all up. And there will be much gnashing of teeth and wailing on his end. You’ll almost be able to hear him from the 9th ring of Hell.

And one day, when the space-time continuum comes full circle and creates an impossible to figure time paradox, you’ll be sitting in your University library writing this letter to yourself. You’ll feel a little bit like you haven’t achieved enough yet (despite working on your THIRD degree, living in a major city and interning on an aldermanic campaign as their press-secretary). But don’t worry, even at your MOST bored with yourself…

You’ll still be doing more with yourself than he ever was, or ever will. There’s a reason everyone says you belong in Slytherin. You are destined to do something great. Don’t waste your time with an underachieving muggle. Finish your homework and return to your Gryffindor husband.

~Me

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

“And one day, when the space-time continuum comes full circle and creates an impossible to figure time paradox, you’ll be sitting in your University library writing this letter to yourself.”

Love this Kara, as well as your entire letter, so happy your space-time continuum brought you full circle to a better happier and authentic life.

Lania
Lania
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Bwahahaha! This letter is so Slytherin, indeed!
We nerds of the world must unite! (Fellow Slythie here too, though it sucks when JKR uses it as shorthand for ‘Death Eater’)

Kara
Kara
9 years ago
Reply to  Lania

But then she put in the Slytherin welcome letter that Merlin was a Slytherin 😉

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

This is lovely, … you nerd. 😉

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

OH my gosh, yes! I loved your letter, Kara; I felt like I was watching a movie!!

Kara
Kara
9 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

Thanks. I sent it to my husband and he said it beats out anything he was going to put in a Valentine’s Day card. XD

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Yay for you Kara! and your shiny husband. You go!

Kara
Kara
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

P.S.

Go watch the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” That show, believe it or not, will help you get some sleep. It will make you laugh, it will make you forget your pain, it will make you feel lucky your life doesn’t suck as much as the character’s and, best of all, you will become a lifelong fan of Charlie Day. …That’s a good thing.

LilyBart
LilyBart
9 years ago

Dear LilyBart,

I’m so sorry. The crying and intense pain and shock you are in is totally normal, and is an indicator that you are a good human being. Do NOT let him convince you otherwise. This was not your fault, and nobody in their right mind would believe that you could have caused his cheating, lying, drinking, drug use, and irrational anger. Not your fault. No way.

I want to tell you that this pain will subside, and things will get better — once you accept that he is not your friend and start moving on with taking care of you. Do not share your feelings with him, and don’t waste your energy trying to “convince” him of things that are obviously true (e.g., That you are a good and interesting person, that he is ruining his own life, that the OW is manipulating him.) It is a waste of your precious time. He is not the person you believed him to be. You were projecting your own decency on to him. Now grab hold of that decency and share it only with people who deserve it, like genuine friends, family, and yourself.

I swear that this will get better with the passage of time. Reach out to friends for help. Tell the truth — you don’t have to suffer in silence. No contact with the cheater — and change his name to “WTF” on your cellphone. Hang in there. Better days lie ahead without this silly nimrod taking up your mental bandwidth.

Love,
LilyBart