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Twelve Days of Cheater Freakiness

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I didn’t forget guys. Finally! Here are the cartoons to accompany our Cheater Freak contest from December. As you’ll recall, your assignment was to share your freak of the week story, and the best 12 submissions wind up cartoons sung to the tune of “On the first day of Christmas/My cheater freak gave to me…”

Unless you celebrate orthodox Christmas, I think we’re past the epiphany season, so forgive my tardiness on this, but I had pneumonia and my studio is an unheated shed in the back yard.

Anywho, better late than never. I disqualified GladIt’sOver, and yet, once again I could not resist her. I drew the Wheatena. (WTF is it with hot cereal and your ex, Glad?)

I think you’ll see a variety of cheater freaks represented here, starting with Divorce Minister’s Jesus Cheater Therapist. (Direct the lawsuits to me, DM…)

Enjoy! And congratulations to the long-suffering chumps who inspired these cartoons!

On the first day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas1

On the second day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas2

On the third day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas3

On the fourth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas4

On the fifth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas5

On the sixth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas6

On the seventh day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas7

On the eighth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas8

On the ninth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas9

On the tenth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas10

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas11

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

freakxmas12
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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • LOL! I’ve been eagerly awaiting this year’s 12-Days cartoons! Ha, I never did get the promised box of Wheatena, not that I would have eaten it even if I had.

    It sure had to be hard choosing the top freaks out of the many submissions — I could not believe the insanity and depravity of some of these cheaters. The squirrel killer tops my list, although most of the others are very close behind.

    One of these days I’ll have to post about naked gardening, you guys will like that one.

    • Glad, from now until eternity, you will always have a winning entry for CL. That loser takes the cake.

    • Oh Glad, don’t tease us with a hint of a naked gardening story! Please tell it! Pleasepleaseplease! Seriously, glad your box of Wheatena made the cut.

      CL, these cartoons are seriously epic. Love PF’s throw pillow-eating cheater.

      • Yes, indeed, these are epic, CL. Thanks for all the work you put into showing us how ridiculous our Cheaters are. And now we know why Glad needs her own Hall of Fame category. Naked gardening. I’m sure that’s not the last one, either.

    • Okay, naked gardening.
      Ex and I had an absolutely gorgeous backyard back in the marital home. 50 rose bushes, including climbers covering two arches going over the path, more than 60 containers of flowers that I changed throughout the year, two fountains, a screened gazebo, tons of flowers, trees and shrubs. I spent a huge amount of time in the garden — I planned, planted and maintained almost everything out there.

      After Dday, ex told me that my hobbies of gardening and reading were “old lady hobbies” and that I was like a 70-year old woman. But once I moved out, he started taking excellent care of the yard. During bogus reconciliation, he told me that he worked in the garden almost every day while stark raving naked. He called this “naked gardening,” and the fact that he had two roommates and that neighbors could see into the backyard from their upstairs windows apparently didn’t bother him. I never witnessed naked gardening personally, but he was really into it and even would post status updates on Facebook about it.

      LOL, what a freak! Of course, this is the same guy who once took off all his clothes on a run through a public park, and surprised one of the guys in his exercise group by suddenly jumping up naked in front of him.

      • The rational mind boggle-oggles at this human theme park of disorder, GIO. For starters, naked gardening around 50 rosebushes and their thousands of thorns would make a normal person go hmmmmm.

        • Glad, thanks for another great story. You deserve a gold medal and an honorary doctorate for surviving your marriage. It’s just so hard to reconcile this “human theme park of disorder” (perfect phrasing, btw, Rally Squirrel!) with someone who held a corporate job. How on earth did he manage all those years? Was there any portent back then of freak shows to come?

          • Not only was he quite successful in a corporate job, but it was in banking, a very conservative field. Hard to believe now. It’s been almost five years since he held a regular job, and he is actually literally homeless now — drifting from place to place, wherever someone lets him stay for a while. I think he has moved 11 times over the past 1.5 years. He’s not even in the US at this point.

            Yes, he was always absolutely obsessed with being the center of attention, no matter what it took to get there. He was always a shmoozer, a natural-born salesman, a skilled manipulator and con artist. He can gaslight and lie so smoothly, so convincingly, and without any sign of stress or hesitation. He was always immature, impulsive and without an understanding of consequences. Diagnosed NPD years ago. He has always believed that he is destined to be famous.

            He could also be a lot of fun, romantic and kind when it suited him, although towards the end of our marriage, those times came less and less. Still, I never really saw behind his mask until after we separated.

            But he didn’t really let his freak flag fly until we separated, and he announced that “God has opened all the doors for my success.” Once the acting didn’t pan out, it changed to “God has given me a mission to eliminate bullying and suicide from the world.” I don’t know if he finally couldn’t hold his insanity inside any longer, or just decided he didn’t care. Or if more likely, I was always the only thing holding him down to earth, and once I was gone, he drifted into the clouds.

            “Human theme park of disorder,” LOL, that is just about the best description I have ever heard of him. I generally just call him a sociopath or a demon, both of which describe him as well.

            • I just spent an hour sifting through threads of the past 3 days but it was worth it. I’m allergic to half the plants in my yard and if I tried naked gardening, I would have poison ivy in unfortunate places. But, taken along with the jumping naked out of the bushes episode, his behavior screams, “You must pay attention to me.”

      • GIO, however did you resist the temptation to call his new hobby an ‘old man’ hobby. I suppose because he did it naked it was cooler. He must REALLy be in love with himself to think the entire world wants to see his naked body. What a freak! (Do you have a garden where you are now?)

  • Ha! Thanks, CL!!!

    Her first lawyer’s nasti-gram suggested it might be difficult to build trust with clients whose spouse cheated on them if they thought she committed adultery. It’d be bad for her business. No duh!

    • Oh Divorce Minister! I hear so many stories here about chumps being ‘silenced’ from telling the world the truth. How can this be? My understanding of slander / defamation / libel is what is being said has to be false. How come there’s an exception made when it comes to spouses?

      IMO, your ex’s status as a cheater is IMPORTANT INFORMATION clients NEED to know – pretty much like ‘The Great I Am’ will never be able to continue with his career as a financial advisor now that he has become a bankrupt.

      • An exception is not made. That is why, I think, it hasn’t gone further legally. The truth would be cause even more damage if taken to court. But that does not mean one is immune to nasty-grams from lawyers threatening all sort of awfulness trying to intimidate. That and one has to have solid proof to be safe–i.e. legally solid. PTL, I do (as in a written confession from the ex).

        Kelly, I agree. It is sad, though, when you have to make explicit the basic definition of adultery to a marriage counselor and her bully lawyer. The rationalizations of cheaters know no shame!!!

    • DM– I’ll say it again, “if it wasn’t too bad for her to do, it certainly wasn’t too bad for you to say!”

      • Absolutely! In fact, will all the justifications they have for cheating, you’d think they’d want it advertised!

    • DM, the second OW in my marriage was a therapist friend of my ex. She never charged my ex for her “therapy sessions” so I could not bring charges against her. She continues to practice to this day. Scary what kinds of therapists are out there.

      • Uniquelyme,

        Very true. Pastors and counselors are not immune to such hypocrisy. But good pastors exist and so do good counselors. Sad the profession is maligned by such bad characters as those who choose to lie and cheat!

        DM

  • I’m relatively new to the site—and I LOVE IT and the cartoons—-but, how do we newbies learn the back stories of the 12 days?

    • Hesatthecurb — Mine was the squirrel killer. He used to set himself up by a window in our attic with an office chair, cigarettes, a glass of whiskey, and a bb gun and shoot at squirrels in our yard. I imagine he had some kind of tough guy, renegade storyline running through his head

  • Great once again! And one of the few times I regret my exH was a ho-hum cheater. No great stories to laugh at once I have achieved “meh.”

  • Oooops – stupid tiny buttons!!!

    Thank you for choosing the box of chocolates from the OW.
    It brought tears to my eyes tonight!
    Thank God I can laugh about it now.

    I love you CL.

    And for some of the newbies, there were a couple of us who received chocolates from the MOW.

    I got mine at Valentines Day from MOW while my x was away on a trip.

    • Lisa – that MOW had some serious entitlement issues going on, right there! No doubt she got a ‘warm, fuzzy feeling inside’ for having been so ‘thoughtful’ by sending you chocolates.

      If you weren’t working your way to Tuesday Meh Day (actually, sounds like you’re about there now 🙂 ) – I’d suggest you start a campaign of sending her chocolates ‘with love from ex’- and for added paranoia – from different parts of the country. Freak her out 😀

    • I got a chocolate chick on Easter from OW via EH. A chick…. This was around the time I started to get seriously concerned about their “friendship” and spoke to him about it. I think it was meant to convince me she was my “friend” and nothing was going on but it felt so weird and, I don’t know, condescending? Like she felt sorry for me that I was worried about what they were up to. Of course he must have told her I said I didn’t want them hanging out together out of work. It just burns me that they were talking and probably laughing about me behind my back.

      • Snap, Lina! I started to subconsciously wonder at my partner’s closeness with my old “friend” – his exGF – and invited her down to our lake house for Easter. Just the two of us and our kids. I think I figured if she was fucking my love she wouldn’t come. (She’d been there several times with us all there, holidaying – cosy!) But she dtove the five hours from her house to be with me. She’d been fucking him for about fourteen months by then. But I surmissed I must be losing my shit. I’d never been the jealous type and they were DOING NOTHING wrong. See! Great way to throw me off the trail!

    • “I have been sleeping with your husband and feel sorry for you, so here….take this gift of chocolate and it will make it alright:-)” So sweet and precious!

      Blech!

    • Uggh…the “sweets” from the OW are just disgusting. On the first Christmas after he left and I was still delusional and trying to co-parent with a narcissist, I invited him to spend Christmas morning with me and our two boys. He brought them gifts from the OW and also a plate of homemade cookies from her for me. I was speechless. I made it through the gift openings and excused myself to my bedroom to cry. I will never forgive him for doing that – it was beyond cruel. As if he hadn’t taken enough away from me…he had to ruin my first Christmas in the new house I was trying like hell to make a home for our two heartbroken children. I am much more mighty now and he will never set foot inside my home again on a holiday or a Tuesday or even if the world were coming to an end!

  • Your cartoon skillz are fab, CL. As always. Love the trepidation in that squirrel’s eye. Break-and-entry poopers, too. LOL! These cheaters are so bizarro.

  • Poopers are entertaining. What a kick. Thank you Chump Lady, and I hope you are feeling better now. Pneumonia infections can sure take a while to recover.

  • Brilliant, as usual, CL!

    Wish me luck Chump Nation. I head to court on Monday for not paying full child support because the poor bastard just can’t find a job after 19 months. But he was able to go on three resort vacations with his bimbo this past year. I’m most looking forward to X representing himself. My attorney knows the judge and feels it’s going to be a slam dunk.

    • Wishing you the very best of luck on Monday. It’s so infuriating that they live it up but don’t pay child support.

    • Ohhhh, my ex (first husband) did the same thing–didn’t pay his child support, took his Twinkie on vacations, drove a new Lexus, was misguided enough to represent himself. He told his poor-pitiful-me story, and then my attorney started asking the questions: Is it true you recently took a vacation to Jamaica….weren’t you driving a Land Rover before you bought the Lexus…how us it that you can afford the downtown loft…. They cuffed him and took him straight to jail, where he sat for seven weeks rather than retrieve money from his offshore account.

    • ChutesandLadders,
      Please let us know how things go tomorrow. Apparently, several of our cheaters are on the same trajectory.

  • Love love love these cartoons!!! Just clicked on the link to read the backstories, and there are 439(!!!) comments on that post!!! Would be GREAT if the winners would write short blurbs here to save us from searching all those comments 🙂 And I too am DYING to hear Glad’s naked gardening story!!! 😉

  • For Valentine’s Day can we have a contest too!?! My disordered POS proposed on that day and then never acknowledged it when married. Twenty years later he was off and running with his new Schmoopie! Wweeeeeeeeeeeeee! How about what Cheaters did on the way out?! Mine blew his family up financially. Oh and gifted his new grandchildren with belongings his own kids received from their grandparents! Then forgot a copy of an old HIV test in our financial files and which I discovered. Every chance he gets he gets someone to do a news story on how newly happy he is. Barf, barf, triple barf. But I do love that I am free and healing even if I am five years out and still struggling some days (as are my kids, sadly).

    • Aw, Ranny. My D-day was nearly 5 years ago and it still hurts. The worst days are those where I didn’t do anything fun or exciting or constructive.
      Frankly, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over the pain of betrayal. I will never forgive for what my children’s father did to them and to me, their mother.

      But the good news is that there is the whole rest of life–all the good and great and mundane parts. Don’t beat yourself up. It takes time to heal, and it’s a hell of an ordeal to have gone through. Resolve to not let them steal your life from you. His chickens will come home to roost, and by then you’ll be so glad he’s not your problem. You’ll be so much better off.

      Focus on doing something nice for yourself and your kids and your surroundings. It will make you feel so much better–I promise. We all know how rotten you feel.

      CL! Your cartoons are fabulous! I can’t believe you cranked those out so fast. My favorite was the nine boxes of chocolate! NINE boxes of CHOCOLATE! That sounded pretty good, until I scrolled a little more–from the OW. Oh. Ew. Never mind.

    • LAJ……..it certainly is slow and painful. Very hard to believe and accept, but there really are no other viable choices but moving forward and living life the best you can. It’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

  • Thank you so much for the cartoons, Chumplady. I love that the hideous sex swing Christmas present was immortalized! “And the rest of the story”….after he surprised my son and I one Saturday by bringing his friends over to haul all of *his* things out of the house, the one thing left in the master bedroom closet waaaaaas……..you guessed it, THE SEX SWING… still in it’s original package! I think it was a *statement*. (Eye roll!)

      • Oh, he does…thinks so many women think he’s hot! Nothing like having a wife AND an OW to build up your self-esteem!

        (It is gross!)

    • Oh RobinLee! He left the sex swing? And the statement was meant to be what, exactly? Sounds like something ‘The Great I Am’ would do – his statement being ‘I got this for US, so now I’m off to live my poor sausage life sans sex swing’ LOL

      ‘The Great I Am’ was forever telling me he’d ‘got me a present’ and it would always turn out to be some shite sex toy (I swear, vibrators are alright I guess, but y’know, I could live just fine without them and I certainly don’t need a dozen of the buggers). It just never, ever registered in his disordered brain when I would tell him to STOP wasting his money – that I didn’t need or want them – that they didn’t add anything particularly wonderful to our sex life – which was great – he constantly told me and I thought it was too. I never figured this obsession of his out, but I do know it added to my feeling like I was nothing but a sex toy to him too – or why keep buying this crap, and expecting me to be delighted when I’d made it clear I wasn’t impressed?

      • Hmmm…..I think maybe it was meant to be jeering…like, “Now you have REALLY paid the price. There will be no more sex with Mr. Wonderful! And little Mr. Wonderful! Now how do you like that?! Ha! Ha! Loser!” Or something like that. (Isn’t he a prince?)

        I think mine would do something totally unromantic and when I didn’t respond with delight, well I just didn’t appreciate his sophisticated tastes. After all, he is *always* right, so I must be wrong in thinking he could spend his money a little more considerately.

        At least that’s my take based on my cheater ex. (Yours sounds like his evil twin, by the way!)

        • Ugh! That brings up a bad memory or two, RobinLee. How ex used to make inappropriate gestures (like groping me in an almost desperate way, just before he left on yet another business trip — and this was after I had learned about his latest long-term affair and understandably needed distance from him to figure out WTF I even felt anymore) and then blame me for his hurt feelings when I felt overwhelmed and pawed at, and pulled away.

          To him, it was just another example of how “You make me feel bad about myself.” The classic, evergreen and highly effective “It’s not what I did, it’s your response to it” mindfuck. Soooo glad to not have that toxic, crazy-making element in my life anymore.

          • Yes, the juvenile groping! And never listening to what you want in bed or even as touch…because while every person is different, THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!

            What were we thinking?!!!

        • Ha! one of the first things I gave back to my Cheating Ex was this giant two ended dildo he had given me as a gift in our early years. I always thought it was disgusting anyway. I wrapped it in a towel a left it on top of his dresser before he packed his crap. He never said a word.

    • I guess I should share the original submission? Here it goes,

      Worst Christmas gift: A SEX SWING. FOR CHRISTMAS!

      “Ummm….gee…thanks, Honey. (Gulp!)

  • Hi all and thanks Tracy for the honours 😀

    I think I’m the ’12 single duvets’ 🙂

    ‘The Great I Am’ had a big thing about us NOT sleeping together (he insisted he wanted to keep the romance going – so no hearing / smelling his farts in bed), so my first birthday present from him was a single duvet and duvet cover so he could sleep on the sofa in my flat!

    We had separate bedrooms and he would slope off to his room after we’d had sex (and of course, gave him plenty of privacy for texting OW straight after we’d made love, as the phone records sickeningly showed – not that I knew the exact times we had sex you understand, but that we had sex regularly and he was texting her morning, noon and night without exception – there were no gaps where he was at least showing me even that little bit of respect. Urgh, I can’t tell you just how much dry heaving I did at that piece of knowledge)!

    Anyway, I eventually got used to sleeping on my own, but for a long time I did feel really bereft of post-coital cuddles, but you know what these guys are like; who cares so long as it’s their way or no way at all!

    I’m so glad I’m rid of him!

    • Wow.

      Wow.

      And, lemme guess. You felt a little guilty for thinking there was something wrong with this arrangement, right?

      So sorry! You’re gonna have your cuddles one day, Miss Jayne. I just know it.

      • Thanks Miss Sunshine 😀

        Kinda guilty yeah. It was more like fighting fog when he was using the ‘wanting to keep the romance alive’ excuse’ – how can you object to such ‘noble’ intentions without coming off as insecure, petty, controlling, anti-romance? LOL. I did try to broach the subject gently, on a few occasions (Gawd, so many subjects tried to broach gently so that you don’t shoot yourself in the foot by being – heaven forbid – demanding or unreasonable), but, you know – ‘romance’ was more important than happiness 😀

        Anyway, I’m not bothered about cuddles anymore. I still enjoy sleeping like a starfish in my bed and really could not be less interested in a ‘new romance’, but thanks for your lovely wishes 🙂 xx

        • Jayne & MissSunshine……..and this is exactly why I hate all cheaters! They are thiefs!!! They have stolen all of our innocent beliefs that marriage, monogamy is good and leave us uninterested or afraid to explore what really might be real because we now don’t think it exists!! I know, not all of us feel this way, but a whole lot of us sure do!!

          • Hate, Yes they are thieves. And like thieves they have an internal beleif that they have the right to take/control yr stuff.
            I feel for you Hate because i remain angry and hateful but I also realize its because I just need to release myself from the attachment to whatever’ it’ was. Whatever my life was… How I defined myself at that time, wife, partner, lover, was taken from me.
            Much like a home robberry… They come in unannounced… Trash the place … Take what they want….And leave. You come home and feel violated cause they have penetrated yr safe place and have taken things that were meaningful… Like grandmas ring… Or just yr tv if your lucky. But the point is the damage is done. So u beef up security and become paranoid/ afraid and vulnerable. All expected reactions.
            Your spouse is a thief…. But lets up the wounding factor… Cause its personal …..cause they know where you live and have access to all yr stuff.
            So u got some choices…. U can continue to live in that space and time… Beef up security…. Or u can let go. As people say….” It is just stuff. You have yr health…. Blah blah blah” And it is just stuff …. Emotional stuff….And what we attach emotionally to the stuff reflects how hard it is to let go. There is the rub. It was importatnt… It ” was ” our lives. But I dont live there anymore… And neither do u.
            Not saying it will happen overnight… Cause it wont. But eventually it will be just stuff.

            • Yes, Clip, that is what they do- violate your safe space, your home that you’ve lovingly built for your family to enjoy. They make us feel insecure even in our own house! My X really loved waiting til I went off to work, then he’d bring his mistress over, they even cooked dinner in my kitchen. When I came home he tried to serve me the leftovers (but I figured that out)!
              If it wasn’t all so horrible, and insulting to my intelligence, I probably would have stayed, so at least there’s that! Their outrageous User behavior helps get us on the road out of there!

            • TheClip……so perfectly stated!! What I tried to relay but couldn’t near as well as you just did! Thank you.

    • Yuck! Mine had been doing a lot of texting everywhere…out at dinner with me and my son, family events. When I saw the phone records later, I thought, “Who texts their lover this much? Who talks on the phone with their lover an hour or two almost EVERY DAY?” When I had a full time job, this would have driven me nuts…too needy. If you want to talk to me, come over and talk!

      • oh, my, yes. . Been there, done that. Threw away the t-shirt! Ex used to say that they were work texts…vey Important To Answer ASAP. Including when he texted his little (and I do mean little…) heart out at a joint birthday dinner,for daughter & me, at a very high-end restaurant, …. The kind of place that serves up a tiny bit of raw (or burnt!) offal with a piece of sculptured kale and calls the food art. offal, offal, offal. Seems just about right, in retrospect. In the aftermath of D-Day, not so funny.

  • My cheater also wanted separate bedrooms. He used to call them Yours, Mine and Ours. What an ass. I was initially inclined to show him to the curb. I should have trusted my intuition. What a jerk! So glad he is history!

  • My second ex was all about the separate duvets… we slept side-by-side in a king bed, but each wrapped in a twin comforter. No cuddling, no intimacy… we’d go to bed and I’d get to listen to snoring coming out of a big wad of fabric while I’d often cry myself to sleep, I was so lonely. Reminds me of that experiment they did on the baby monkeys where they took the mother away and gave them a choice of a wireframed monkey with a bottle or a terrycloth covered monkey. I noticed the one time I went over to their new place to pick up some paperwork after we split, that the new bed with the OW was not configured in that manner at all. How interesting. They must have just not gotten around to that yet, LOL!

    • Mine built a fortress of pillows around him, kept the bedroom as cold as a meat locker, used to sigh and toss and turn if I read in bed (books were a foreign concept to him). Then when I’d finally had enough and moved to the guest room he had the nerve to be offended! Cuddling never happened anyway – he was definitely a wire monkey sans bottle. What a freak.

      • Ah yes, the pillow wall…ex did that too. He didn’t need a separate bed, he just got up at 2am to chat with the AP

      • Haha Uneffingbelieveable; I remember when my X and I moved into our house together, I said, “I am going to need a book case.”
        He said “What for?”
        “I said books??”

    • I agree with I.h.h above that this just makes me angry how these cheaters *knew* they were making bogus excuses for this physical separation… separate beds, separate bedding, you snore too loud (what mine said though he snored 10x louder and I had no problem with it)… when they really just wanted you in a separate room so they could remain detached or free to text or sext their OWs. I always thought Ex and I were like two peas in a pod, always slept together, many cuddles after sex, etc till maybe the last two years of living together. At the time I just thought well as people get older they do sometimes maintain separate areas in a house. He decided my desk should be in a separate room, instead of facing his (where we often sat together at our computers saying things like ‘hey look at this’ at some funny or interesting thing found online); told me I should have a private work area… in hindsight around this time he most certainly was starting to do online hookups, judging by mysterious phone #s all over the country that I later found on his cell phone bills.. The day after Dday he removed his 5 computers from the house, all of which had been password protected with every folder also password protected. Also in the two or three months leading up to DDay he started sleeping in the guest room downstairs because of my supposed snoring. What I really wish is that he would have just MOVED OUT, years ago, when his first cheating started. After all, we were not married so what was stopping him? Oh yeah, the fact that all his housing food and cell phone here were 100% paid for by me. It’s just the essence of what is wrong with cheating: USING another human being for your own selfish self-indulgence. ~ Margaret

      • Muse,
        That routine sounds so eerily familiar to me. The gradual, creeping realization that they are distancing themselves. And the nerve they have to let their woman pay all the bills. I was so glad when I watched his fat lazy arse waddle off down the driveway…with a cop on each arm. Still chuckle about that.

  • Actually, I’d mostly forgotten about the cheating sonofabitch until our fearless leader posted the last cartoon about the single duvets… so I actually made the effort to visit FB and block not just X#2, but the OW also. Turns out as of last Thanksgiving they’re now legally cheater and hO-Wife! Other than sickeningly cute kitty pictures cluttering up the Timeline, all their pix were either staged photos of the two of them acting cute for the camera, or worse yet, Bitstrip cartoons showing the two of them in some seriously awkward poses – like the one where they’re on side-by-side potties. I shit you not. And who the fuck wears a goofy cartoon tuxedo t-shirt to get married in???!!! OMG, I am so well rid of this waste of oxygen and nutrients I can barely believe my good luck at having escaped. I blocked them both with glee. And hopefully I’ll never see or hear another peep out of either of them ever again.

  • I just found out the OW in my most recent chumpdom has announced her impending return to the “old country”… without the Ex. She was from Eastern Europe, used him to get residency in the UK, got him to buy her an apartment in the old country, pay for her grown kids to have medical treatment in the UK, and now is buzzing off. She knows she’s milked him for all she can have. It took her two years.

    He is doing a really professional “poor sausage me” dance all over Facebook. I have him blocked but I still have his password to his own account, so I can see his weepy conversations with his few remaining friends. So much for the hubba hubba blonde who was supposedly the love of his life. Karma bus coming through!

    His cake texts will be received, ignored and chuckled at.

      • Isn’t it horrible when you realise it is possible to revel in another person’s agony. Schadenfreude feels so good but it triggers my guilt complex. Like eating chocolate does.

        • Marci, I’m assuming that Germans have no problem with it, since they coined a term for it. 😉 But seriously, you shouldn’t feel guilt. You did nothing wrong. The cheater betrayed you in the worst possible way and they are simply getting what they deserve. As you can see from my moniker, I have no problem at all with the karma bus.

          • Thanks, Karma. Actually my comment was facetious, like, I only feel about as guilty as when I eat chocloate. Now, where do I get that bus driver’s license…

            And when I think of all the rubbish he spouted about how she was his dream woman, It just makes me laugh harder. She turned out to be the usurious, dishonest, moneygrubbing hooker that she clearly appeared to be from the start. I just can’t believe he didn’t see through it. She must give a first class bj.

            • Oops, the karma bus whizzed by me so fast, I didn’t notice your facetiousness. One can only wonder what he saw in her.

    • Well I for one am laughing my ass off at your stupid X!!!!
      HeeHeeHeee…. schmoopie didn’t lurv you after all? What a tragic affair that turned out to be! Why can’t Cheaters see what these trashy AP’s are up to?
      My X now lives in his AP’s freaking basement, he texts me to say they are just friends now, and turns out she ‘played’ him. I am stunned, that he thinks I’m surprised, or that I care since we’re divorced in 2013. Mostly I ignore him, or just tell him something bland, like – I hope things work out for you. Luckily he’s 900 miles away from me!

  • CL you’re cartoons are hilarious and thank you for this blog and the community you’ve brought together.

    I’m the ex husband of the throw pillow muncher, and the back story is that on the day I confronted her with evidence of her cheating, she became hysterical, jumping from couch to couch while gnawing on throw pillows. It was surreal and reaching meh has made it comical.

    The thing with cheaters is they’re crazy -cra….wrecking lives, and yet so pathetically comical.

    I think that making fun of cheaters really gets to them, they are the joke, even though they try to make a joke of the ones they cheat on.

    • PF, I love the pillow story. Like so many things cheaters do, it has the feel of being staged, as if the cheaters have no idea how a normal person would act in the situation, so they just come up with some bizarre version of their own, totally over-the-top because they think that proves their feelings are “real.”

      • Glad and PF,

        I always marvel at how the two of you tell these stories of the most bizarro behavior of your ex-cheaters with such calm rationality, like a discussion of the weather or planting season (particularly you Glad). Glad, you are someone whom I hold in high esteem because you have come through the fire after being married to one of the worst freaks of nature of whom I have ever heard described. I toast you.

        • Thanks, Princess. It’s been a very hard, very long road to travel, and I still have tremendous damage to deal with. But it helps that my ex is so weird, so beyond normal, that I can laugh about many of his activities. Not all of them, though — he has done some terrible things to me and to our son. I don’t laugh about that.

    • PF, your throw pillow story has always been my personal fav. It’s just so utterly bizarre yet mundane. I can’t even imagine what it must have felt like to witness that in person. So happy for you that you’ve got to “meh”!

      • Thank you fellow chumps. Who would have thought my ex-wife’s crazy antics would one day be honered by a cartoon.

        GIO, I think your ex cheater freak deserves the cheater freak hall of fame trophy. He’d probably be thrilled to receive it in a weird sort of way.

        • PF and Glad you win the contest in my book also. I wonder if cheaters act out in crazy ways because it is a means to deflect responsibility. If the chump is focused on the crazy behavior, it takes the spotlight off of the cheating. Also, if the chump thinks the Cheater is having s psychotic episode, it deflects responsibility. This is very much a borderline tacrid

  • I’m honored to be included! (11 Homicidal Squirrel Killers)

    I must admit though, that the thought of eleven clones of my psycho ex sounds like a nightmare. 😉

  • Is the seven twerkers twerking from my story? If so, that is so incredibly awesome! (It’s awesome even if it isn’t from mine – they all are!) The one in the middle looks just like her!

    • Yessssss! Tracy could sell the calendars to raise money for her friend’s charitable work in Africa. So some good could come from all the fucktards. Brilliant. I’ll pre-order a dozen, please.

  • These cartoons are the best CL! Thanks for the laughs!!! The stories in and of themselves are the best, but your rendering of them in cartoon form is priceless! I salute you and the Chumps who share their stories!

  • I think I am the branding iron. Ahhh….wistful memories of all of his hard work in Texas with the MOW.

    I’m on to tossing all of the Masters golf stuff, Vegas chips. But keeping all of the lovely photos. I found something of mine recently on the trophy shelf. Creep-tastic.

    • ANC-do you really think there would be other BRANDING IRONS? LOL! You had to know this was a serious contender!

      • I would not have been shocked if there were other branding iron episodes from other chumps. Cheaters are so unoriginal.

  • Thanks Chumplady for this hilarious list! I have the dubious honor of being formerly married to the break and entry pooper 🙂 I hope you’re feeling better!

  • Just saw the cartoons. Amazed that the kilted %hole got immortalized. My cheater went through his male menopause by burning through money to buy really crappy stuff. Like a 2K kilt when he’s definitely not Scottish (16th generation French Canadian) because he was part of a single malt drinking club. This twat bought a motor cycle one summer while I replaced living room furniture he ruined by passing out and drenching it in aforementioned single malt scotch and or beer.

    And lo and behold the kilted frenchmen appear to be wearing Crocs. Chump Lady…how did you know that he actually wore Crocs with the kilt. Oh the sartorial splendour…

    • A $2,000 kilt?! How the…what the…?!! Was it lined in mink? Did it come directly off Mel Gibson’s circa 1995 ass? Was it loomed by Fala Roosevelt?

      And then to pair it with Crocs. A klasszeee gent all around.

  • Best wishes for continued health CL…im really embracing my inner Meh this year. One of my two new years resolutions…keep the faith 🙂

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