What Did You Do That You’ve Never Done Before?

lawnmowToday, I’d like to give a big shout out to anyone who learned to start a lawn mower after their divorce. God, lawn mowers are intimidating. I remember I bought a rusty red one off my back neighbor after my first divorce. The guy was a weirdo who hoarded lawn mowers. He had them until styrofoam coolers, stored by the dozen stuffed under his deck in various degrees of disintegration. But hey, I was a single mom on a limited budget, so he sold me one that ran pretty well for $50.

I hated pulling that cord, trying to get the blasted thing to start. And who the hell knows how to maintain lawn mowers? Oil? Sharpening the blades? Even if you’re committed to their care, you have to fold them like an Origami Project from Hell to get one to fit in the back of a car.

And then there is the Lawn Mowing Walk of Shame. Nothing says “Hi, I live alone” like mowing your own yard.

Maybe for you it wasn’t lawn mowing, it was braiding a daughter’s hair, or shopping for training bras. Or some other gender-prescribed chore o’ doom. Taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning gutters…

Or maybe you were just used to doing absolutely everything and you realized, hey, I don’t miss this person. I was already single and just never knew it.

But today, tell me your small acts of mighty domesticity!

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chumponthemove
chumponthemove
9 years ago

I am one of those chumps who had to learn how to DRIVE a lawnmower! I was living a pretty wonderful life (I thought) using my push mower in our little yard in the city when my now XH decided to start screwing other women. I found out, divorced him, and moved to my home state to help care for my elderly mother. The move was to a friend’s rural property. Country life is full of surprises (one of them is a lovely man in the next county with whom I’m now spending my free time) but life SHOULD be full of surprises. I’m up for whatever the future may bring. Thanks for the props, ChumpLady!

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago

Got a vibrator….and rechargable batteries… Who knew!

Ladywithatruck
Ladywithatruck
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Theclip, that was great’!!

SheChump
SheChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Ladywithatruck

Oh, The Wand, The Wand – simply the best. But, will have to look into the Lelo.

KarenE
KarenE
9 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Love my wand! And when I feel like spackling, I tell myself it loves me too!

Kara
Kara
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Oh the rechargeable ones are the best. You can actually get vibrators that are rechargeable themselves, no batteries needed. They have little charge ports. Lelo makes the BEST in the market. No joke. Lelo vibes are rechargeable, medical-grade silicone, fully waterproof (most vibes that claim to be waterproof are mostly just “splash” proof, but can’t be submerged. Lelos can be.) and they come with a one-year warrantee, with the option of a ten year (but you really don’t need the ten year. These things are SOLID.) They are super quiet and don’t have a bunch of complicated buttons. They’ll run you up into the triple-digits with cost, they are pretty pricey, but like I said, they are the best in the market.

ChumpDad
ChumpDad
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Bought a Lelo for my ex years ago. She left it behind I assume to rub my face in her new ‘best’ sex life ever. I’ll be buying one for my new friend too. Still can’t bring myself to throw away a $150 item.

jackolar
jackolar
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Too much information Kara ha ha

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  jackolar

Hmm…I’d say just right…. 🙂

TiredMomma
TiredMomma
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Lol, right?? ;P

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  TiredMomma

LOL… so much better than my XH’s intensive assaults on my nether regions… This day is off to a good start.

Strad
Strad
9 years ago

OMG, ordered my first one yesterday.

rockstarwife
rockstarwife
9 years ago
Reply to  Strad

At Strad,
My cheater ordered me several ‘toys’ (all his idea), as he believed that I wouldn’t have any ‘fun’ with him after first D-Day (I was too shell-shocked) and he didn’t want me to ‘go without’ any thrills. Awww–how thoughtful of him. I hope that he took his paraphenelia with him when he moved out.

Multichump
Multichump
9 years ago
Reply to  Strad

I bought MORE and varied kinds of toys….I had quite a few already lol. That was one of my ah ha moments…my EXH always went on about how we weren’t compatible because of my low sex drive. After the last DDay I got to thinking about all the lies and shit and one of the things that dawned on me was that all of my toys got a hell of a work out thru the years for me having such a low sex drive..sorry bastard… And now I am exploring my kinky side and loving every minute of it at 57yo!!!!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Multichump

Wow, who would’ve thought that all of our cheating, narcissistic cowards would be selfish in bed too? I am truly shocked! :-0

minime1224
minime1224
9 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Im 57 and I thought there was something wrong with me. After DDay we shared the house and on the weekend I would come home and he would go to his OW bitch house. One day I was putting something in the recycle bin and I saw a tinfoil pill like thing and I picked it out thinking maybe he was on new meds he already takes 6 pills a day for his health problem. I looked an it said Viagra well I laughed and Hi fived myself I KNEW it wasnt me!!!!!!!!! He is with a new woman and he cant get it up and he blamed me for being dried up bahahaha I almost put a little bow on it and put it on his desk with a note saying jokes on you BITCH lol

He's Gone
He's Gone
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Wish there was a LIKE button! 🙂

Resa
Resa
9 years ago
Reply to  He's Gone

Lol. My first thought, too.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Coffee spewed out of my mouth on this one Clip, this was hilarious…..

nomar
nomar
9 years ago

I learned to download music from the Internet. A small thing, but it mattered to me at the time (early 2009). One of my roles in my first marriage was Head Dork and Dullard & Defender of Un-hip Ideas and Outmoded Technologies. And while I admit I like old stuff, this role was imposed on me to a degree that in retrospect included more than a little gas-lighting. I mean, who could be faithful to such an embarrassing drip when the world is brimming with cool people like my ex-wife worked with? Plus, I’d heard that crap for so many years that I was starting to believe it. Even I found myself a bit embarrassing.

So it felt good to download scores of songs about finding your inner bad-ass, kicking cheaters to the curb, and forging a new and improved life, then blasting them from the car stereo going down the highway at 70 miles an hour with the windows down.

It’s amazing how a horrible and enduring spell can be broken by such a tiny act faith.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

A lot of real cook kids love old vinyl records (although I don’t know anyone pining for the 8-track tape…._

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, my stbx loves new gadgets and technology while I prefer the unhip and outdated.
We are not divorced yet, and I don’t care if I have to do his chores; I can handle that. The one little thing that I did that I had never done before was to change a doorknob. The doorknob was broken and needed to be replaced. When my stbx saw that I had changed it, he got this weird annoyed look on his face.

nomar
nomar
9 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Congratulations. Yes, Cheaters hate to be shown that they aren’t as indispensable as they think they are.

Sounds like you got rid of more than one “broken doorknob!” LOL

Ladywithatruck
Ladywithatruck
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, you are so right! My ex used to say, “You’ll never find another man who will rescue you like I did every time your vehicle breaks down.”
Yeah, but I don’t need anyone to rescue me because I don’t have anyone sabotaging it, asshole.
When I fixed it myself he didn’t say anything but I could tell he was pissed. A week later I come out to go to work in the morning and he is crawling out from under my truck. I asked him what he was doing under there and he said he thought he saw something hanging down. I left for work and when I went to leave my first job I had no brakes or steering. God must have been watching out for me because had it broken while I was driving it could have been really bad.
That will teach me for fixing my own truck. I bet he was so disappointed when he found out I had crashed and died.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Ladywithatruck

What a sick fuck! Did you report him for sabotaging your car?

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

During bogus reconciliation, a headlight burned out in my minivan. I went to auto supply store, found the right bulb and replaced the light myself. It was more complicated than I expected, and a filthy job, but I was proud of myself for doing it. I posted about it on Facebook, and got tons of likes and comments. I guess this bugged ex, because he posted, “Now aren’t you glad I didn’t take that experience away from you?”

I was floored, because first of all, it was such an incredibly patronizing thing to write, and secondly, I had never asked him to do it and he had never offered.

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GIO, I did the headlight thing too!

The only thing I can think of that I have to do myself now that I wasn’t doing before is hauling the 40 lb. bags of water softener salt from the store to the car to the basement and heaving them into the water softener. I hate it but I get it done. After separation I bought some bags of salt and left them in the garage for my cheater to carry down for me when he came home. After waiting 3 fucking months of him walking past the bags and “not seeing” them, I did it myself and have been doing it myself ever since.

After the reading the comments above, I think I might just have to get myself a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) from Lelo as a reward. 😀

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

He even managed to make that action all about him!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Yes, my ex: totally dispensable. Disposable. Done. And, oh, did he howl! “You don’t neeeeeed me!” he cried, indignantly! (Nope. I don’t.) “You’ll DANCE ON MY GRAVE!!” What a poor sausage.
Well, now he has a very needy sidekick, and I’m sure all is well.

I, too, downloaded “throw the cheater out, it must suck to be you, but it’s great to be me” music which I blasted at 70 mph down the highway. Yeeeeeeeehaaaaw!

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Would love to have yours and nomar’s playlists!!

Kira
Kira
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Thanks, Nomar for pointing that out. I was sitting here, remembering when the kids proudly told their father about a project we had tackled with some help from a few family members post-divorce. It was something he had always claimed he was going to do and then never did. It really upset him that we had done that. I think you’re right, it made him angry because it was an illustration that I/we didn’t need him.

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Love it Nomar! :). … And been able to download music or not I think u are pretty cool!

ChumptotheMax
ChumptotheMax
9 years ago

I have unstopped toilets, painted walls, mulched my garden beds, learned to clean my pool, hired a yard crew, but really, when it comes down to it, I was doing it all along, he threw me a bone once in while and did something, those were the times he could yell at me and tell me how he worked his a– for me and the kids. I was the one that took care of the house, kids, school activities, I have felt like a single mom throughout my 20 year marriage, so yeah, I was mighty and just didn’t know it yet.

violet
violet
9 years ago
Reply to  ChumptotheMax

Same here. My X never so much as changed a light bulb, so I was the cook, maid, maintenance lady, finance director, plumber, driving instructor and all around cruise coordinator. He did drive the kids to school in the morning when they were young ’cause LOTS of kibbles there! “Wow, what a great husband you have, so involved with your kids.” LIke you, CTTM, it was not much of a stretch to be a single mom, because I had been one for years.

I am very proud of: throwing a backyard bat mitzvah for my daughter on a shoestring budget that her friends still talk about, helping my kids move in and out of dorms (anyone who has ever but together an Ikea futon knows what a engineering feat that is), removing what seemed to be acres of popcorn ceiling from my home with assistance from my children-a nasty job, and travelling by myself to see some of my favorite musicians perform in some of my favorite cities. Travelling alone was my last frontier and I love it! I have met so many nice and interesting people and it has somewhat restored my faith in humanity.

Red
Red
9 years ago

I’ve learned how to mow the lawn, use caulk, install and uninstall air conditioning units, and oversee a move – all stuff that XH used to handle.

I had to watch two YouTube videos on lawn mowing, one on how to start the mower and another on how to attach/remove the grass catcher. The first time I mowed the lawn, I was singing, “I am Woman, Hear me Roar!” 🙂

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My new boyfriend (a Chump, too) dropped by earlier than expected once and caught me mowing. “That’s SO HOT”, he said. I just wish he had seen me fix my disposal lol…

Chumpster
Chumpster
9 years ago

One of the things I came to realize, is that she didn’t really contribute much of anything. Cheaters take. they don’t give. I fixed her car. I fixed her computer. I fixed about everything in her life, and it saved us a lot of money. She hardly appreciated any of it. I cooked. This can go on.

If anything, she’s missing the comfort of all those fantastic plates of food that I made and served her. Shes missing those massages she liked so much. Shes missing having all her things magically fixed and repaired. Good luck, finding someone who can make sushi, those shrimps you like, work on their doctorate, and rebuild an engine. I’m sure all that student debt you piled up and hid from me is really attractive to those guys.

I’ll be here, debt free, eating a lovely meal, with a person who enjoys what I bring to the table.

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Same here– single mom long before I was a single mom. Ex managed the money. That was his biggest contribution (and a lot of that stemmed from control– he would interrogate me about my purchases, and I would throw his massive expenditures back in his face). Otherwise… uh, he skimmed the pool and mowed the lawn, both of which are seasonal in my neck of the woods, so he got a good nine months off from one task and six from the other. He didn’t help with kids, cleaning, laundry, errands, buying birthday gifts (for HIS family), anything related to the kids’ schooling… the list of what he didn’t do is far longer than the list of what he did. Why did I marry him again? 😀

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Yep, he did so little there wasn’t much difference. He rarely even cut the grass – I remember mowing when I was 8+ months pregnant, and the neighbor’s husband even told his wife that my exH must be a real dick to let that happen. My kids were 2 and 5 when exH left, and the 5 year old took over his one chore – taking out the garbage – and didn’t even wait until garbage was overflowing…lol. I even had my own set of tools (pink) that he ruined by always putting them away dirty. I now have a nice box of clean, well kept tools, and an organized garage. Oh, and I’d highly recommend Worx chargeable mowers for anyone intimidated by the idea of cutting the grass. It helps if you have a little yard, but there’s no oil or gas or spark plugs. And they’re so cute!

MovingOn
MovingOn
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

I have a push mower! 🙂 Is that a chump thing? I love that I can cut the lawn on a summer evening when it’s not as hot out, and I’m not disturbing my neighbors. The work out is pretty good, too!

Cletus
Cletus
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

Your ex having you mow the long at 8+ months pregnant really pisses me off just like your neighbor…I would call your ex an asshole, but that would be an insult to assholes!

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Cletus

Awww, thank you Cletus. 🙂

Cletus
Cletus
9 years ago
Reply to  Cletus

Lawn not long

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I don’t think I could do a push reel here. Before I got a riding lawnmower, it took 3 hours to mow the thing with a walk-behind rotary mower.

That reminds me; I need a new battery for the riding lawnmower soon.

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Love push reels. We have one of those too. Love the workout bonus – multi-tasking is awesome!

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ooh, I’m about to buy a push-reel mower. Environmentally friendly and I get to live out those Laura-Ingalls-Wilder dreams (okay, she probably had a scythe. And I’ll keep the indoor plumbing, thanks).

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Chumpster – I agree with Doop, you are a dream come true!

Here’s the flip side for my situation….my cheater did routine work around the house, I give him credit for that.

He mowed the lawn, worked on the cars, and took care of most issues that came up that he knew how to do himself. But, I was right there working beside him all the time. If he was mowing the grass, I was cleaning out the flower beds and natural areas. Spreading mulch – I was shoveling it into the wheel barrow or spreading it afterwards. Working on a car, electrical, or plumbing issue – I was there, handing him tools or whatever. Were the other neighbor’s wives doing this stuff with their husbands? Absolutely not. And we both used to comment about how well we worked as a team. Cooking and cleaning? We were a team there too although he preferred me to do the cooking. If I cooked, he did the dishes and vice versa. We both did laundry and neither one complained.

Did he help me with the bills, finances, and taxes? Nope. I was on my own no matter how many times I asked him to be involved. Did he help with issues that came up at school for our daughter? Not really. He would show up if there was a meeting scheduled but that was about it. Did he discipline our daughter when she need to be? Only when I made him be involved and then he tried not to say anything so I would be the one doling out the consequences (in other words, the bad guy). Did he help plan vacations, trips, and social outings? Nope. It was all left up to me to handle and just let him know where to be. The only scheduling he did was with his many women…..

Like you, I wish him luck finding a woman who want to help him with the manual chores, take care of the financial, social, and parental responsibilities, take care of his ‘needs’, and let him have his side flings too.

WiserToday
WiserToday
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

This. This was my life, except I also used my money to run the house. He used his for top-of-the-line tools, an elaborate HO train setup, and his many failed business ventures. He was highly upset when the DV judge ruled that those were marital assets and he could not take them when he was forced to move out.

This WAS my life. Now I am still doing those chores, still using my money to run the house, and becoming knowledgeable about how much to charge when selling seldom-used top-of-the-line tools and HO train components.

Chumpster
Chumpster
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

But, I was right there working beside him all the time. If he was mowing the grass, I was cleaning out the flower beds and natural areas. Spreading mulch – I was shoveling it into the wheel barrow or spreading it afterwards. Working on a car, electrical, or plumbing issue – I was there, handing him tools or whatever.

Yeah, this is pretty great. She usually sat inside, waiting for me to magically fix something. This help you were doing – pretty awesome.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Chumpster… I hope your dance card is full…With those mad skillz you will find a great woman who has equally mad skillz too.

Nola
Nola
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

OMG! Chumpster, you hit the nail on the head for me. Cheaters take! I did everything here, even managed our finances. Although I didn’t necessarily fix things, I organised everything to be repaired and serviced without him even knowing that these things were done. He was only interested in doing his own thing and didn’t mind paying for anything. Different story now that we no longer live together: why do I need so much money on a monthly basis, he questions? Duh! Because it takes money to run a household. Like you, I bet Mr Cheaterpants misses my cooking and baking now! And I bet all his bills don’t get paid on time since I’m sure he has now put that in his mother’s hands because he is not capable of doing it and neither is she!

Trying to let go of this crap and breathe and believe that life will get better once the divorce is final.

Chumpita
Chumpita
9 years ago
Reply to  Nola

This seems to be in the cheater handbook: “do nothing except give orders, criticize and get angry when things are not done how you would have done them if you did anything”…yes, me too, I was a single mom and never realized it until now. Now I do the same things I used to do but better because I don´t have the nagging and the constant criticism.

Cheater didn´t even do the “male” things like change a tire (he was scared that they would blow up) or kill a cockroach (he was also scared of bugs). So I don´t miss anything. I even got him a place to stay when I kicked him out, I packed his stuff and I drafted the divorce agreement. He now looks twenty years older and ugly, while I have had a makeover (divorce diet + stress removal works wonders)

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Chumpita – you wrote my story. Just after cheater pants left there was a story on NPR about single mothers and my daughter says to me, “Mom, you’ve always been a single mother”. Life got easier after cheater pants left and I had some time to look after myself. I did absolutely everything. One of his complaints – I was too independent and “didn’t need him”. Yeah, I didn’t need XH to fix the lawn mower because I could and he couldn’t, but I did need XH to be a good husband and father. Looser.

NoMoreLies
NoMoreLies
9 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

I heard that too – I was too independent and ‘didn’t need him’. Yes, I became that way because I had to get things done because he surely wouldn’t. He resented me fixing things in the house – but I only did that since he refused or didn’t have the patience to figure it out. Once I left a clogged sink for him to fix – he tinkered with it for a while and then proclaimed that it couldn’t be unclogged – not possible. In order to preserve his manhood and not embarrass him in front of the kids, I left the gross water in there for two weeks thinking surely he could figure something out. Finally, I went to Home Depot, bought a $2 Zip-It wand, and the clog was out in 2 seconds. He noticed and then was angry. Angry because I solved something he couldn’t. Found out later he lived the fantasy of a white knight – “saving” women on various continents – all of them with problems. But he never really solved their problems, but instead gave money to them (in reality it was money for sex but he envisioned himself as a hero). That money should have gone into our kids’ college funds.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Those cockroaches may have been related to him; there were evolutionary constraints on him for that reluctance.

And, yes–a shout out for the infidelity diet! Down to my college weight, wearing skinny jeans at 50.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m glad it worked for you. I’ve always been pretty thin, the infidelity diet aged me 10 years, I look like hell – I lost over 20 lbs in less than a month and I didn’t have it to loose. Now I look 60s instead of 50s. It really fucked me up, almost overnight I went from some crows feet to major wrinkles, it sucks.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Me, too, Dat — The weight loss was OK (have gained it back, mostly) but the aging? yeah, it reminds me of those photos you see of Presidents, before & after their term(s) in office: MUCH more than what they should have aged. Oh well, no one who meets me now — my new friends — didn’t know what I looked like before, anyway.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep. 🙂

Kira
Kira
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

Yeah, same with me. X did next to nothing at all to contribute around the house or with the kids. I was very much a single mom before I was a single mom.

A friend of his basically told me it was a shock to the system for X when he left. Suddenly, he had to DO things! Things that weren’t fun! And Schmoopie apparently wasn’t much help.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Kira

Yes, Kira! I’ve said SO many times that I’ve been alone for the last 7 years of what I now know was a sham marriage. I believe I lived in-and-out of 23 years with this asshole essentially as a single mom and single person, with him rarely if ever having my back. Fucker. The vows, the rings, and the whole family image was just what I held in regard, or in my head. I knew deep down that the only reson I even asked the cheater to do any jobs around the house all those years was just so that he’d be engaged in the family stuff, and also to make him feel good or accomplished (kibbles). I could have done ANY of those jobs. Asshole abandonded almost immediately after I busted him, but I didn’t file for 8 mos. Two week after I filed, I changed all the deadbolts and locks. He asked who did that when he finally managed to come to the house to get some of his shit and couldn’t use any keys. I told him I did it, and there was a long pause and a genuine look of confusion, as if it couldn’t be possible for me to have done it. Got the same look after I hand-sanded and refinished the kitchen cabinets in two months, and installed handles. Douche-bag had 12 years in this house to do something. Instead I got about 8 unfinished projects. Dumbass. At least I’ll know I did it all and “rebuilt my house.” But again, it is just like I always did with everything having to do with the kids, being the family CPA, manging his stupid-ass failed “business” ideas, and the list goes on, and on. We’re all SO much more mighty than we gave ourselves credit for. I’ll NEVER doubt myself again. (((hugs))) to all of you Chumps! Thanks, Tracy, for helping us remember all the ways we each kick ass. xox

Been There Done That Through With It :)
Been There Done That Through With It :)
9 years ago

Contempt hearing tomorrow because I refused to continue to be the CPA of the family business I started… I’m not as anxiety stricken as I was after reading your blogs 🙂 Love this site! I feel strong enough to go through it now 😉 THANK YOU ALL AND TRACY!!!

I too have been doing it by myself 🙂 This year I even found the energy to put in my large vegetable garden and can it 🙂 Have been canning since I was a child, raised my kids on the good food and…didn’t do it last year due to the crazy making of this nasty divorce. 🙂 This year I got it together and did it!

Also bought myself a riding lawnmower 😉 the one he left here (he took the rider) was impossible to operate…I found the rider used and just as cheap as trying to fix the nasty one 🙂 Now I love to mow!

i WAS a chump for 36 years NO MORE 🙂

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

A smart guy who can cook AND fix cars? You’re like a dream come true Chumpster!

scotty
scotty
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpster

I’m with Chumpster. XW contributed very little. Although the full panel STD test was a new one for me. Thanks for that.

Irene
Irene
9 years ago

I used to call my marriage, single mom with direct deposit. I did everything and got his paycheck twice a month to pay the bills. Like CL says, I was already alone. I don’t need a yard man or a pool man, I am the woman!

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago

In all seriousness….big shout-out to You-Tube. I have learned to be my own plumber, carpenter and handyman. Lowes and Home Depot also have free ‘ How To ‘ classes. I dod want to send out huge cosmic hugs to the young plumbers assistant who helped me at Lowes one afternoon. I had a plumbing issue and was trying to follow the directions off You- Tube… For some fitting… I stood staring at the wall of connectors, elbow thingys and male/ female adapters for about 30 mins… A young man approached me and asked if needed help.. Said his was a plumbers assistant… He helped me find the right connectors and even gave me a little tutorial on site. I thanked him with tears in my eyes… Told him he had no idea how much he helped me… He said ‘ I had to pay it forward. I cant tell you how many times I have stood in the femine hygiene isle for my wife with the same look on your face. There was always some woman there who could read what my wife wrote down and pull it off the self in seconds flat. Just different plumbing problem.’
Karma , yes?

MountainLily
MountainLily
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Lol. Love it! May my ‘skills’ pay off one day.

chjrn
chjrn
9 years ago
Reply to  MountainLily

I read this and thought, dang…he’s married!

My cheater pants did NOTHING around the house. My dad who has two knee and a hip replacement helped me with the heavy duty yard work such as mulch and did my mowing. (He’s the greatest!)

Since I booted him (with a court order, long story) I have fixed the garbage disposal and dryer with some help from Youtube.

I have replaced my laundry room floor (with help from my wonderful boyfriend), painted the laundry room, removed wallpaper and repainted MY bathroom.

I have taken my 2 teenage sons camping, kayaking and white water rafting. We have had some great times.

The mightiest thing I have done was buying a new car, what I wanted, ALL BY MYSELF. I traded they “family” SUV for a bright red Jeep Wrangler. I live in a small town and that Jeep is now legendary.

No matter what cheater pants say, WE ARE MIGHTY! and they just plain suck.

Chumpy
Chumpy
9 years ago

On my Dad’s side of the family “work” did not have a gender assignment so I grew up seeing adults both male and female doing all kinds of things. Both sexes did farm work as well as house work. He told me when his grandfather had to leave the farm his grandmother worked the fields and took care of the home and if she had to leave his grandfather did both as well. My Dad could do auto repairs as well as cook and sew. In school I used to get two grades on sewing projects. Dad got an A and I got a C for showing up and trying. (Dad would always re-do my stuff the night before it was due.) My Mom had two sisters who were the primary breadwinners while husbands worked part time and took care of the kids. These were Depression era folks so I guess they were ahead of their time.

Hope our NE Chumps are safe and warm this morning. I’ve been praying for you.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago

I used to fear cooking with gas on the backyard grill…but then I started missing all the great food that just tastes better grilled. So I got over myself, bought & hooked up the propane tank, fired up the grill and became a grillmaster. That was a big summer for me.

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Me too Doop! That is the one big thing for me. I was doing most everything else. My mom came and stayed with me for a month and took over my chores- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I had so much more energy! No wonder my husband had so much energy for his canoodling. I haven’t mowed the lawn. My husband hired that out because it was beneath him of course. I have two teen boys. I think I’ll be teaching them soon. 🙂

syringa
syringa
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S.

I bought a great little red electric grille. Best thing ever

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago

I was a daddy’s girl growing up – I followed him around and helped him do what ever needed to be done including mowing the lawn (push and riding mowers), working on car and tractor engines (we had a farm but lived in town), plowing, feeding cows, hauling hay, painting, and fixing most anything and everything. So I had decent skills already but of course let my cheater handle most of that stuff after we were married. I haven’t done a lot these things on my own in 25 years but I’m tackling it as it comes up – spackling (walls, not our relationship!), painting, electrical (replaced 2 light switches that went bad), gutter cleaning (I hate heights!), mowing, trimming, edging, blowing, restringing the trimmer (yuck!) and cut down a 12 foot hedge bush on my own. I’m sure there’s more that I’m not thinking of too. Now I need to figure out how to tune up my mower and blower for the spring. It can be hard to do this stuff on your own and I curse him the whole time but I do feel a sense of pride when I’m done. Not to mention that it feels good to not need him!

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Amen to restringing the trimmer sucking. Blech. And don’t edge/trim in sandals. Learned the hard way 🙁

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

LOL– yeah, no weed eater in shorts. Everybody does something like that once, and then it’s at least 10 years before you forget again.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

and don’t use your hand to clean off grass clippings, etc. from the mower. I’ve burned my hand twice on some really hot part even though the mower wasn’t running.

SheChump
SheChump
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Ditto ByeBye – never hose off an electric mower after you’re done. Looks like it’ll blow the motor every time. Gotta cool it down first.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Restringing the trimmer is the worst.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I hate restringing the trimmer….and I always end up doing it several times while I’m using it cause the string gets tangled. My neighbor laughs at me each time he sees me cause he knows how much I hate it.

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Just last week, my STBX cheater H asked to borrow the trimmer and then asked me to restring it -because he HATES doing it!

I just looked at him, paused blankly for a few seconds and then patronisingly said “Oh, well.”

His reply?

“Fair enough.”

He’s only just now starting to ‘get it’.

Sharedmarriage
Sharedmarriage
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I agree Doop, one of my biggest meltdowns was when the string holder thing flew off and cut all the string into pieces and I didn’t know how to get it back on… I had to walk down the street to a neighbour and ask…

My biggest triumph was changing the washer on a tap and installing a shelf unit.

Worst job is picking up the dog poop in the garden

Best thing is being able to just do it and not wait for someone who promised they would do it and never gets off the couch.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Sharedmarriage

I’m actually okay with picking up dog poop. Also, I can’t leave any poop in the yard because one of my dogs is a rehomed farm dog. She was in a kennel and a run, and the kennel was likely a dirty one. She’s a neat little doggie, so yes, you can guess what she does to the poop laying around in HER yard.

STBX just lets the dogs out and in. He has never realized that the bad breath he complains about is because one of the dogs has pooped and the farm girl has picked it up, as it were. 😛

Also, he never cleans up the poop.

Scott
Scott
9 years ago

I did most of the work anyhow so when she left so did headaches, sleepless nights, blown budgets, a cart load of users in law, moronic arguments, now obvious overtures by every man in 10 mile radius, obsessive hoarding, a voice blasting all day long “i hate my life im gonna kill myself”. Thank god im away from her.

HM
HM
9 years ago
Reply to  Scott

My sleepless nights, panic attacks and depression left too. So, so nice (and telling).

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  HM

What is it about these people that causes sleepless nights and panic attacks… I thought it was just something in my biology. Waking up at night with anxiety and awfullizing running a mile a minute in my chattering brain. I wasn’t ruminating about him and his shit per say… but this awful senses of dread and doom about everything else. My sleep patterns started to change the minute that simmering lazy ass volcano left the house. I sleep very well now. When people go to the doc to ask for help with sleeping, the first thing they should ask is: Are you sleeping with a dickhead.

Scott
Scott
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Lol!

betrayedfriend
betrayedfriend
9 years ago

Well I did everything IN the house, The ONLY thing that EX was responsible for was maintaining the Yard and I have to admit, he did a great job. So, when he left – this seriously was one of the things that scared me, mostly how the heck was I going to start that lawnmower and worst yet – that Weed Wacker? But you know what – I did not give up, I pulled and pulled that damn string – until I got it going. The relief I felt – every single time – it truly was so empowering! Yeah I can do this !!!!!

The other big thing for me, was drive 5 hours across states to visit family by myself. Anytime we went, he would drive, not that I couldn’t, just there was no need to. When I did this – It truly was a turning point for me, it feels so dumb -now, I mean I’m a 40 something woman and I was scared to drive by myself for 5 hours?

These were the ONLY two things that EX always did – and I accomplished them on my own!!
Go mighty me!!
Thank you CL

expatChump
expatChump
9 years ago
Reply to  betrayedfriend

I did the road trip, also, and felt mighty as hell

verity297
verity297
9 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

I did the road trip too… to see his lovely brother, who has remained one of my best friends 🙂

That satnav was worth every penny!

kimmy
kimmy
9 years ago

Well, I have an electric mower (love it). I had a family friend show me how to put it together (it collapses for easy storage). I don’t have much grass to mow (it takes me longer to shave my legs!) but I feel pretty fabulous after I get it done!!!! I feel my biggest accomplishment was finding my own home, researching mortgage rates, completing the paperwork, getting approved by myself, making the offer on my house, negotiating the deal and going to settlement alone!!!!!!!!!! God that felt so damn good!!!! I own something pretty damn nice and I did it all by myself. I LOVE IT!!! 😉

P.S. Chumpster……..you rock!

Lina
Lina
9 years ago

The lawnmower walk of shame… I always picture him and his lousy family seeing me mow and laughing.

I have bought an electric mulching mower as I couldn’t start the pull start no matter how I tried. Mulching mower is fab. No grass clippings to deal with. Bought a snow thrower too but it doesn’t really help with blizzards like we’re having now. I have to hire help for that. Which is hard because they tend not to show up. I’d rather do it myself if I can.

Bought a new fridge and put together a new cage for the two guinea pigs I rescued. Set up a digital cable box and elderly friendly remote for my Dad.

My goal is to not have to depend on anyone as I’ve been disappointed so far.

Char
Char
9 years ago

Unclogged toilets, garbage disposals and more – but the defining moment was when I changed the windshield wipers on my car. For some reason, it was a watershed moment! 🙂

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Char

Unclogging toilets is not fun at all….neither is unclogging a shower!

susan
susan
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Try baking soda and then follow up with vinegar (we used apple cider vinegar). It’s like that old volcano experiment and the hair clog bubbles right up! Then use one of those wires that grabs it and pull it right on out. It’s actually fun and my daughter and I had a great laugh over cleaning the drain! Follow up with really hot water (we used a tea kettle). Who knew and saved a plumber’s visit!

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  susan

Here is a trick for avoiding plumbers… in the shower take one of those nylon net scrubby deal that they sell for bathing… They look all bunched up. Find the end and and cut off about a foot. Then unscrew the shower drain cover, slip this under the shower drain with the long ends in the shower, then screw it down again. Every hair you have ever shed will get caught in it. When it gets gross, just unscrew, throw it in the trash and get another piece from that scrubby thing. I was having plumbers come to snake out the drains twice a year…not any more baby… not any more. It is also good for keeping lint from the washer from clogging up the trains too.

Doop
Doop
9 years ago

I’m definitely trying the scrubby net trick. Today’s responses have me so inspired, I’m going to attempt to replace my basement sump pump, too!

nomore chump
nomore chump
9 years ago

I changed the alternator on my SUV!! I watched a YouTube video and did it!!

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  nomore chump

That’s how I learned to unclog the garbage disposal – YouTube is a chump’s best friend!!

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
9 years ago

It’s not much – but I took my car to the dealer for maintenance. Twice since DDay. I hate car repairs SO MUCH. I understand nothing about how cars work or if the mechanics are fair/honest.

Oh I did find and rent a house – and arrange all the utilities and move in.

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago

My son and I ripped out the floors in parts of 3 rooms finding a series of plumbing leaks. Then I repaired the primary leak, which was a t-valve supplying the washing machine, and we replaced the flooring in those three rooms. The best part? Getting on with it, spending less than 200.00, and not having to hear how inappropriate it is for a woman to use a tool. Because the real tool was gone.

Incidentally, this leak started way at the other end of the house, under STBX’s side of the vanity, and he ignored it for months, I ended up replacing the bathroom floor too.

I had always done the majority of the yard work. Giant Baby Man couldn’t be bothered. No change there.

We furnished and painted the two empty rooms after Ex and SD moved out on a shoestring, and son decorated his room with Muhammad Ali, Hunter S Thompson and Art Deco posters, as well as original photography from a very talented friend. It looks great.

The other room is s sort of multipurpose room. It has huge modular desks for work or crafts or homework, a futon and a TV. It’s so versatile and fun!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz, similar leak issue for me too. Before I ‘knew’ about cheater, our washing machine had leaked. It’s on the second floor of the house and fortunately, over the garage. He and I pulled the washer out and cleaned up the water from the leak. Everything else looked ok. Fast forward about 6 months later which was after I kicked him out. I looked up at the garage ceiling and noticed a patch of drywall all messed up. My daughter walked by and said ‘oh, that happened when the washing machine leaked. Dad knew about it.’ Of course he did and he didn’t do anything to fix it. So I climbed up the ladder, scraped off the messed up drywall, patched it, let it dry, then painted it. Can’t even tell there was an issue now!

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Awesome! Having new skills is genderless!

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago

A little different, but my then five year old son got hit in the boy parts at T-ball with a pretty serious line drive. Totally had no idea how to handle, and was raised in a family where “this type of thing” was not discussed except in hushed tones with medical professionals. So my kid is in a heap in the backseat of the car crying, and I took a deep breath and called a divorced daycare dad that I’ve known since high school. Apologized profusely, and explained the situation – what do you do for a little boy who was clocked in the parts? (doctor’s office was closed, and had left a message..ice? heating pad? you can’t bandage anything…). He groaned in sympathy and gave me the (I can only assume) proper advice; son calmed down quickly, and I was able to breathe again. But son never did go back to T-ball…lol. And I remember thinking, “I can do this single mom thing…” – with a lotta help from my friends. 🙂

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

He told me to make sure nothing looked twisted or swollen. Then to have him sit in a cool (not cold) bath for a bit, then watch superhero movies and sit on the couch for awhile. Check a couple more times for swelling, and let him rest a cool (not cold) water bottle in that region. He told me ice was too painful (that was always true for my kids for other injuries…). Seemed to work – whether it was medically sound or not. Oh, and invest in a better cup. Better yet, have him change his sports to track and swimming. 🙂

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

LOL RedefiningMe!!”Better yet, have him change his sports to track and swimming.” Good one.

Honestly I do not know how moms whose kids want to play football or hockey are able to watch. My eldest liked swimming (ironic huh?) and my youngest liked basket ball and golf. Basketball has some contact but nothing close to football and every time some kid would elbow him I’d want to run out to the court and elbow that kid back!

If either of them liked football I would’ve had to watch with one hand over my eyes!

KarenE
KarenE
9 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Up here it’s hockey – they move so fast and get slammed so hard! I was SO glad neither of my kids was interested. Never mind the endless practices and games to drive them to – there’s no such thing as ‘recreational’ hockey, every team practices like all those 7 year olds are going to the NHL. And the expensive equipment!)

Yay for swimming and soccer!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago

What did I do that I never done before?

Take time for myself. He had me circling him like I was a moon. Ever in orbit, always accommodating.

I am free of the gravitational pull.

Amen, amen, amen. God is good.

Kristen
Kristen
9 years ago

I bought a power drill and changed all the door locks by myself. The thought of plumbing, electrical and auto issues leaves me with cold sweats, but I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there. Shoveling snow and mowing the grass are going to suck. Since these tend to be social events in my neighborhood, there are going to be lots of uncomfortable questions about why my cheater is no longer there to do those things. I think a good many people are in for some big shocks…

Multichump
Multichump
9 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Well you could always go my route…I have a button that says..

The Cliff Notes version
Apparently I’ve been living in an open marriage for several years
But nobody gave me the Fucking memo

This usually quietes the questions pretty quickly LOLOL

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Multichump

Like!

He's Gone
He's Gone
9 years ago

The only thing my stbx ever did was change lightbulbs and air filters! I did the rest, or paid someone to do it. So, now I’m a pro at changing both. And to think, he said he found MOW because I didn’t thank him for emptying the dishwasher the two times he did it!

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago

When I found out about the long term affair I was absolutely devastated and nearly non-functional. I thought that I loved and needed my wife , but after a while realized I had been essentially been living alone for a few years with a fake shadow of a charming narcissistic spouse. I remember when the realization hit that I had been doing the bulk of the parenting, lawn mowing, laundry, etc. I was already independent.

Dumping the pretense that I had a partner in the first place was freeing. It was like having a large tumor removed. The surgery hurt, but now I get to live longer.

Shannon2
Shannon2
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

From the first time I saw you reference the cheater as a human tumor I have been using it over and over in my head. I love it. Thank you.

Char
Char
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

That is beautifully said – the perfect metaphor!!!

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

I did everything anyways. He never lifted a finger to take care of the house. He failed to mention before we married that his parents cleaned his house and took care of the lawn. I was shocked to come home from my honeymoon to find that my in-laws had let themselves in to clean. To maintain some dignity and privacy, I just did everything.

But I did learn how to mow the lawn after he left. Change water filters to the house. Make spaghetti.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Seriously. His dad took care of the yard work. Trust me, I did not know this when I moved in (for whatever reason, they stayed away until after the wedding). I freaked out but despite my insistence it never happen again, he refused to tell them to stay away.

After he left, my neighbor’s shared with me the rumors and theories behind the strange man in the house, which ranged from he had the Michael Jackson skin disease and could not be exposed to the sun to he was a vampire to he kept bodies in the basement.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
9 years ago

*neighbors, not neighbor’s

movin_on
movin_on
9 years ago

Decorated MY yard (of my beautiful little house that I bought and maintain by myself) for both Halloween and Christmas. Hung Christmas lights and everything!!

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago

I was one of those single, married moms… Though we did some things together as a team (Ikea assembly, fixing things), it was a real eye opener to me that I really didn’t miss him for practical reasons. Sick child, yard work, repairs, garbage? I’m your (wo)man!

After the divorce I even picked up tasks we were planning to outsource, like tiling a corner in the attic and installing a sink there… All by myself! These kind of things became much needed distractions the first restless weekends the children were at his place.

The only thing he religiously took care of: the finances. And boy, did I find out the hard way why…

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Oh one thing… I’m afraid of heights and need to install a light fixture above a stairwell. Tried and failed several times and will have to ask for help.

Wondered, are there more chumps out here who have serious problems asking for help? I wonder if it’s more a matter of not wanting to be in someone’s debt, or of wanting to be self sufficient. Maybe both. But having no light in the hallway sucks!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

I agree it’s part of our nature, I have no problem helping anyone out, but I have a problem asking for help myself. I’m getting better at it, now if I just had more friends to ask!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Dutch-chump, it’s a mixed bag for me. I don’t want to bother someone else and I want to be self sufficient. Being in someone’s debt isn’t an issue because I would never let it be….I would help them with whatever they need or bake/cook for them, most anything to feel that I had ‘repaid’ them and I would offer/do it right away so I wouldn’t feel indebted.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I know, that’s what I do too, repay favors immediately and preferably tenfold… So chumpy, but that’s how I roll!

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago

I am embarrassed to admit that I acquired something called “Learned Helplessness”. It started in high school. My mom is also a Narc (although not as bad as my X). Because I wasn’t performing to her expectations in school, she would often take over my homework. Unfortunately, the affliction continued after I got married (I married young, too). The XH would do pretty much everything physical around the house, insisting on doing it himself; and, doing anything *he* felt I was “inept” at (including properly placing dishes in the dishwasher). So for a good 40+ years, I had important people in my life convincing me I was rather incapable.

Until I got rid of the jerkoff, I never really realized HOW dependent I was. Then I had to start doing stuff for myself – and my family – for REAL.

Lawnmowers and mowing were never a problem for me (although I had to have a neighbor fix ours when the X left). But, discarding dead mice (especially one who drowned in a bucket in our basement) HAS been a problem.

The very first project I did after the X left was removing the horribly moldy calk in the seams between the shower and bathtub. I watched a YouTube video about it and did what they said. I did a really good job of it and I was SO PROUD of myself!!

Dealing with the sewerage that was my divorce process for almost a year sunk pretty much all of the stuff I wanted to do around here – and took my energy with it. But I am, slowly, climbing back up.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

oh overthehill and Tracy, I completely forgot about this until the dead mice were mentioned! The houses on my side of the street back up to the woods so the deer are everywhere. I woke up one Saturday morning and there was a dead deer in my front yard! OMG – how do you get rid of that! Well, I did. I called Animal Control to report it and they gave me what I assume is the typical weekend response….someone will be out sometime on Monday to get it. Really? a rotting carcass in my front yard for 2 days in 90 degrees with the neighborhood kids running around? Fortunately a friend used a connection and it was gone by noon on Saturday. Thank goodness for our support networks!

Roberta
Roberta
9 years ago

I did most house/yard/kid stuff before he moved out, so changing the bulbs, building the furniture, mowing the lawn, etc were already mine (plus herding kids, preparing most meals and cleaning up after.) What I hadn’t done was taxes: the way he took weeks to calculate different options for capital gains cost bases, different options filing separately/together, etc., I really thought it was a terribly complicated process. Turns out – Yep, I have two degrees in math. I can slam the numbers through Turbo Tax and be completely done in a couple hours. The various optional things were to see if we could save $4 by using alternate methods. Dumb shit.

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

Sad to say, I fixed everything, organized everything, maintained everything…but I have a crappy back and when I need an extra pair of hands, or set of muscles, Ex would help (with a pouty face of course). Now that I’m alone, I have to plan things like it takes me 5 days to move the old shower doors down to the basement because I can’t do it all at once. So I don’t really feel mighty, just annoyed.

And the snow! Ex did used to do the places the plow didn’t reach, and now it’s all on me. (In the middle of that blizzard now). That is on me, or I’m stuck in my Hobbit hole till April. Somehow clearing and scraping snow in dire pain does not feel mighty, or like a victory. Just like the bad leftovers.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Shoveling snow was one of the things my ex used to do, and that first winter after dday had me shoveling and cursing at him and crying a lot. Since then, I got rid of the car, so now I don’t have to shovel it out of snowbanks all the time. I have been much happier this winter. 🙂

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Lina– I’ve run a snowblower…It’s not hard, but they are pricey. Maybe I’ll get a little one for the walkway. I just finished digging out 1/2 (!) my car. Thanks to the wind it was packed in to the roofline.

Still better than living with Monsieur le Jackass. Way better. I don’t care if it takes me 4 days to dig out…. on my knees.

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Thank you. I’ve looked and they are pricey but I figured if I pay someone else to do it it will pay for itself in time. One jackass wanted $500.00 for ONE TIME if the snow was over six inches.

The little ones are great for less than a foot of snow. I recommend the lithium battery type over the electric. No cord to deal with.

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Me too namedforvera. A small snow thrower helps and it’s much better than shoveling. Doesn’t help much in this much snow though.

Any ladies here run a regular snow blower, like a two stage? I’m thinking of getting one but have no clue how to run or maintain one.

HM
HM
9 years ago

Okay, so I can’t resist this one. One time mine offered to ‘help’ with dinner – so I gave him the simple chore of making couscous. I pulled out the grain, the measuring cups, the stock and the pot. He stood there helpless with his hands in the air saying “what do I do?”. Now I don’t know if any of you have made couscous before…but it is quite possibly the single easiest dish to make maybe besides a peanut butter sandwich – there are even instructions on the package. Look I don’t want to be ungrateful but the whole purpose of him ‘helping’ was to lighten the burden on me and maybe, just maybe, contribute something to the meal for once. Anyway, this single event sticks out in my mind as encapsulating our relationship.

So what did I learn to do after him? Nothing, I was already doing EVERYTHING in that relationship. Good riddance: go be a burden on someone else’s meal/life.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  HM

My ex didn’t cook a meal in sixteen years with me. When we had summer bbq’s of course, he would “operate” the grill but all the rest was left to me. He also had “delicate” skin so he “couldn’t” touch dishwater. It wasn’t until after he moved out and I was looking at the utility sink in the laundry room where he would clean his paintbrushes and shit from his contracting work with his bare hands, that I realized that he ran water over his hands every day. I guess kitchen water is different somehow.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Oh, also, in one of our post DDay discussions about our life together when he was saying he did “every fucking thing around here,” and I reminded him that I personally bought, paid for, prepared and cleaned up every meal he ate for sixteen years, he replied, “Yeah? well I bought pizza and chinese for dinner sometimes!” Sheesh, I said, so did I in addition to all the groceries.

HM
HM
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Yep, that sounds about right.

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  HM

I truly think it’s an act so they don’t have to do anything.

Lisa
Lisa
9 years ago

My ex complained about me being fat and out of shape after 2 kids. (I was never fat, IMO. Humph.) He told our therapist that I “didn’t take care of myself” (funny how hard it is to work out when you’re trying to work with almost no childcare and your spouse refuses to ever watch the kids alone). So the day I filed for divorce, I also started training for a half marathon, which I ran last November! Last weekend I ran a 15k and joined the local track club, which means I can run a bunch of races all year for free. Yeah I’m so out of shape now!

Lisa
Lisa
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

All the guys I’m dating now sure seem to think so!

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
9 years ago

Lawn mowing and yard work-did that.
Housework and cooking, did that too.
Raising children and working full-time, yep!

Looking back I wonder want the hell he did all those years?

One thing I have done is to start making my own decisions. Big step!

But the most important thing I have done is to take care of my finances myself. I went straight from parent’s home to marriage. Stupidly I let him have control of all the fiances. He didn’t waste money on Howorker until the end, but he was a deplorable money manager. I may not have much left after this fiasco, but NEVER again will someone else be in control of my financial future, except for ME!!!

Keep on keeping on, Chump Nation!!!

Nicole
Nicole
9 years ago

Same here! All the yard work, house cleaning, laundry, errands, child care…you name it, I did it as well as working 30+ hours a week with two kids (and then 40+ a week once youngest was in elementary school). We did pay someone to mow the grass because we had a huge yard and ex could not be bothered. He had important things to do like holing up in his office for hours on end running his various “consulting” businesses (that brought in minimal to negative income for most of the 5 years prior to our divorce). He did clean the gutters once a year (pouting and huffing the entire time about how he had to do it to save money because I spent too much on this or that). He also changed the water filters (we had a well) once a month and made the most enormous big deal out of it – showing me the filters and leaving them out in the driveway for days rather than tossing them in the garbage (“see…look at what I did…I’m so helpful…) Narcissists have to be stroked constantly for every little thing they do. It was tiresome and I typically chose to just quietly do things myself rather than have to make a huge production out of acknowledging his “efforts.”

The only thing he did do was pay the bills and manage our finances. He kept an iron fist on our accounts all while convincing me it was so complicated and I could not possibly understand. He moved money around all the time and paid off one credit card with another…borrowing from our home equity line like it was a never ending ATM. He ended up filing bankruptcy for his “business” to get out from under the mess he created. I was such a chump about money – I just handed over my paycheck every two weeks for twenty years like a trained monkey.

It has been so empowering to realize I can manage my finances and do so in a responsible manner! No debt. Living within a budget. Saving a little each month for emergencies. I feel financially free!!

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Good for you, Nicole. It does feel great, doesn’t it!?!

KarenE
KarenE
9 years ago

I did the opposite of most people here – I STOPPED doing some stuff.

I had lived alone for a few years pre-narc, so was already pretty good at re-wiring lamps and dealing w/accountants, drills and hammers, plumbers and mechanics (man, that’s intimidating!). While we were together, I did most of the child-care and household stuff, took care of finances, and kept us all organized and doing fun stuff. The ex did help some w/cleaning (but HE decided what he did, and I got all the rest by default), some of the yard work (tiny yard) and a bit of the cooking. Everything else was mine. Whenever I asked him to do anything else, he’d look so annoyed or pissed, or be so suddenly busy or exhausted, or said he’d do it and never get around to it; I’d just give in and do it myself.

So after I kicked his cheating ass out, I stopped giving in! He wanted the kids and I to stay in the house (so he could come back later, he thought. HAH!), so I said it was too much for me to do alone. He offered to deal with the yard, wanted to look like the good guy, still looking after his family. So I agreed to that. And when he didn’t actually DO any of it, as usual, I reminded him. When he said or implied that he was too busy or tired or stressed, I reminded him that he had said he would take care of it, and I expected him to do so, whenever it was reasonable. And safety stuff, like shovelling a path to the back door, I insisted be done soon. And I DIDN’T DO IT!

The yard looked like SHIT for much of the first two years, he did the absolute minimum, and even that only when I kept reminding him. (Turns out he was also wrecking his credit rating by being late paying bills, etc, out of sheer laziness.) Then the third summer, he really stepped it up (turns out Schmoopie had dumped him, surprise surprise, and he was yet again trying to come back), and made many declarations about what a good job he was doing despite not living here, implying that this made him a good person and good father. I thanked him for his contributions, and only made one snarky comment about what it meant that he hadn’t done much for the previous two years.

I also refused to cut back on my twice-monthly three-hour cleaning woman, when the ex was feeling broke, refused to do things I would normally pay someone to do, like replacing light fixtures. Told him that if he could no longer afford what he had been paying, we could sell the house and I’d be happy to live somewhere smaller. He hated that, how would that make him look in his own mind and to his mother?

HE left, HE treated the kids so poorly that I’m now a full-time single mom, HE wanted us to stay in that house. I am DONE bending over backwards to accommodate him.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I stopped doing stuff, too. I have a lot of tools, but STBX has scattered them. He also leaves tools outside. This from a neat freak? I’m not as fussy about neatness, but tools get put away and put away clean.

STBX sees himself as a keen gardener and a whiz at repairing anything in the house. In actual fact, he’s neither, and one of the issues is that he doesn’t think about getting the job done right. He puts it off and puts it off, and then just slaps stuff together or on or whatever. And he thinks the job is wonderful!

I hate having him paint. He ends up covered in paint and he never cleans the brushes. There are drips and spatters everywhere, but hey! He’s an expert! 😛

I’ve replaced faucets and put up shelving. I can use a power drill, a level, and most tools in the toolbox.

igotthesilver
igotthesilver
9 years ago

I started playing league soccer at 41!!! It was scary but I knew I needed something to DO. Plus he hates soccer :)- says its a “girl’s” sport…yeah well come on and play against us anytime! JERK.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago

I was the son my father never had so I learned early on how to mow the lawn because as soon as I turned 14 that job was mine. Let me tell you how fun that was during a freakish summer in MA when gypsy moths took over our state. They were falling out of trees and into my hair; a thought that still gives me the creepy crawlies whenever I think of it. Around that time I also learned how to shovel snow so that became my job as well-no snow blowers for us!

After I left ex-flaming cheater pants I moved into an apartment complex so I don’t have to worry about a lot of home repairs but I did have to repair my computer; reboot my wireless router a couple of times and learn the art of banking online. I let the ex have total control of our finances and my paycheck which in hindsight seems pretty silly and as it turns out I’m way better at finances than I thought. All the bills get paid on time, I put something in my savings every pay period even if it’s only 25 dollars and I don’t carry credit card debt. I also am going to pay off my car this March which is a full 15 months before the loan is supposed to mature.

As it turns out, I really didn’t need that coward in my life after all.

I am a little concernicus that I can’t open either of my doors to get outside at the moment but lucky for me, I don’t have anywhere to be today. Juno is turning out to be quite the raging bitch but it’s supposed to end this evening and eventually snow melts so it’s all good. 🙂

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

I couldn’t open my porch doors either! I had to take the storm windows out and reach over to clear the snow away.

XMAS
XMAS
9 years ago

Christmas lights. Mine are actually still up and my STBX is too depressed to take them down (I filed last week). So this weekend I will climb a ladder and take those lights down. BY MYSELF. I also need to fix a hole he punched in the wall and the door he broke by slamming it too hard.

movin_on
movin_on
9 years ago
Reply to  XMAS

Be oh so careful on your ladder, XMAS. I put mine up and took them down this year by myself for the first time and was super mindful of how many accidents occur with ladders. Google “correct way to use a stepladder” for help. You don’t need to jack yourself up right now! Best of luck, sister!!

MN Moved On
MN Moved On
9 years ago

I’ll take that lawnmower, Chumplady, and raise you one snow thrower! Thank God the snowblower has an electric starter.

I taught myself to change the sparkplugs in my mower and snow thrower (and damn! that first winter on my own we had a record breaking total snowfall, over 120″!) YouTube is an awesome source of information.

I managed to change all the 1953 electrical outlets in my house, and installed modern dimmer switches in every room without shorting out the house. When the three-way switch in the kitchen baffled me (who the hell installs all three wires THE SAME DAMN COLOR?????), I got in touch with an old friend who offered to come over and help, in exchange for dinner. Three and a half years later, I married him. 🙂

I replaced the flapper valve in a toilet. My new beau and I replaced all the faucets in the house, because every last damn one of them had been leaking since Ex and I had moved in.

Cleaned the gutters, and hung Christmas lights for the first time in 20 years.

Learned how to install tile.

Big Chief Dumb Fuck thought he’d be a petty bastard, and absconded with all the screwdrivers and the only hammer when he moved out (he was never much of a DIY guy…). So I became best friends with the guys at Home Depot, and bought myself a full set of new tools and a tool bag. Then I started buying power tools; I now own nearly every Ryobi One+ tool on the market. Did I mention that I bought myself a chain saw for Christmas last year?

All my DIY projects had triple benefits: every room I painted, every switch I replaced, every window frame I sanded, every bush I dug out – one more trace of Dumb Fuck was erased. Every new skill I learned in the process made my confidence level go up and up. And best of all, my house is finally an amazing home to live in. Five years after his sorry ass left the front door, I’m finally truly happy with new hubby in the home we made together.

….and in a year or so, we plan to tear off the roof and add a second story!!!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

Your story made me smile!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

MN moved on-I love your story! You are mighty!! I am loving these stories today!

Lunachick
Lunachick
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

Funny my ex did the same thing. He didn’t lift a finger yet he took all the tools with him! WTF is that about? Who knew you’d need all these tools for an apartment?

Anyway, huge hats off to you. I’m nowhere near the level of your mightiness with tools, but I’m getting there. Just painted my bathroom cabinets and installed light fixtures–it’s my awesome bachelorette pad! 🙂 Congratulations!!

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
9 years ago

I was already a Jill of all trades. But when I moved out to my own place I needed stuff!

I was gifted an old Black and Decker electric mower that does on ok job.

Then one of my clients felt that I should have a decent mower and he gave me a lovely gas mower with grass catcher and the whole 9 yards !!!
Lightly used but reconditioned 🙂

I am always amazed at the kindness of near strangers and aquaintences !

2.5 years out and I am amazed at how things have come together. It’s not easy, but it is good.

I think I spent a lot of years putting out fires and keeping our heads above water. Now it all seems so simple.

Lunachick
Lunachick
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

Yes! It’s like being with a cheater was more difficult. Just let us do our thing, we got this. 🙂

thensome
thensome
9 years ago
Reply to  Lunachick

OMGoodness, this is sooo true!

campriley
campriley
9 years ago

Sadly I knew how to run a big professional walk behind lawn mower, run a snow blower, use a log splitter, haul wood for our wood burning furnace , keep a fire going heat a 4,000 sq foot house all while I was married and then lived in the house during separation. House sold in August, I moved most of the stuff, except the heavy furniture, out by myself too. Husband, now ex, never appreciated all that I did do while he went off on bike rides, hiking, skiing , sailing and screwing other women. Heading out soon to deal with 18″ of snow. This will test my snow blowing skills.

PF
PF
9 years ago

I’m a a scotch guard expert. I’m thinking of starting an awareness program on the victimization of throw pillows by unhinged cheaters.

Other than this, I really didn’t have to do anything new when I divorced my preying mantis in neon yoga gear. She was a wanna princess without the bloodline, but if being born in Buffalo and from a money hungry line of heredity, it’s plausible in a weird delusional way.

namaste y’all

syringa
syringa
9 years ago
Reply to  PF

Now that she some funny shit…PF… I don’t care who you are

Idle hands
Idle hands
9 years ago

Got myself a masters in biomedical engineering from one of the best schools in the country and then got myself a good paying job. I’m NEVER being dependent on anyone again or letting them talk down to me.

Strad
Strad
9 years ago
Reply to  Idle hands

“standing ovation”

Lunachick
Lunachick
9 years ago
Reply to  Idle hands

Wow that is awesome. Mighty, you are!!

Lunachick
Lunachick
9 years ago

I am one of those that was single without knowing it; I did everything in the marriage anyway. From finances, to cooking, to handy stuff.

But I have definitely done things I have never done before since he left.

I tore up my lawn so I don’t have to mow it anymore. 😀
I learned how to change out light fixtures.
I learned how to inflate my tires.
I painted my bathroom cabinets, using a sander and drill to install hardware into doors and drawers.

My next venture is learning how to install tile backsplash. 😀

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago

What I did during the marriage: All the painting in the house; built a new wall by myself, every diaper change, 95% of the parenting, came close to earning enough knowledge for a medical degree after dealing with 2 children with autoimmune disorders, minor plumbing and air conditioning repair, etc., etc.

Critical skill I still have to learn: Programming the remote.

Kara
Kara
9 years ago

I auditioned for an actor’s conservatory program and got in. Did conservatory training for two years and at the end of it all, I performed a piece from Swan Lake en pointe. I was the only student in my class to go en pointe.

And a little bit after that, I started doing pole dancing. Because of pole dance, I am in better shape than I have ever been in my life. I’ve been doing pole for almost 2 years and I am going to compete in PSO’s (Pole Sport Organization) central championships next year. I’ll be competing at level 4. Which is one step below pro. (Pro winners go on to the Nationals.)

My ex was indifferent to my interest in ballet at best, and at worst, thought theatre was a worthless degree. I met him in a theatre class, and he eventually dropped out. When I met him he was interested in theatre and thought acting was fun, but by the time we broke up, he had lost interest in all of that. So I got pretty much zero support for my interest in theatre and dance.

My husband was part of the conservatory program I joined, a couple classes before me. So I got plenty of encouragement from him.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Wow, theatre and ballet??! (And pole dancing!) I’m impressed.

thensome
thensome
9 years ago

I got myself a battery operated lawnmower and I love the silly thing! It’s easy to push, starts easily (no pulling, yanking and cursing) and it’s light. My daughter and I go out and mow the lawns now together. I do the front and she does the back.

I learned to do a few household maintenance projects that my cheater used to do (and fuss that it was soooo much work) and meh, it’s not that hard to learn to replace a light bulb.

I’ve purchased some new furniture but my biggest deal was travelling to a southeast Asia, a place I always wanted to go but cheaterpants never quite thought the timing was right. I went with a bunch of people I didn’t know and made new friends. It was a great experience and I hope to travel more.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

Not all of these are domestic-type activities, but they were all firsts after leaving ex:
I found an apartment, signed the lease and moved in
I changed a headlight in my van
I dated men who were not my ex
I had sex with a man other than ex (he was my first and only up until that point)
I shot a gun
I learned how to blow glass
I learned how to throw a clay pot on a wheel
I put up Christmas lights
I started a new career

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ooooo, I am JEALOUS GIO and ROMOB! My STBX is my first and only too and I am DYING to have sex with someone else. I mean, if the single men around here only knew just how eager I am for that experience…

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I had sex with a man other than ex (he was my first and only up until that point) Did that and it was great and so MUCH better than with dickhead.
I want to learn how to blow glass
I want to learn how to throw a clay pot on a wheel.
You are mighty Glad…

Multichump
Multichump
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

@Glad oh what kind of glass do you do? I am a Lampworked and fuser….small world 😉

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago

Well, I felt pretty good about setting up a new router for my wireless network, and everything that’s on it. It wasn’t that hard, but I’d never done it before and was afraid I would really mess everything up.

What’s been the hardest chore is taking out the trash, believe it or not. Last might daughter was laughing and asking me if I remembered the time I wrested with the garbage can and sent soda flying all over the kitchen. It was not one of my best moments, but thank God the kids thought it was funny. I can’t seem to get the overstuffed trash bags out in one piece without someone to hold the can for me. The can now has several dents in it form me losing my temper a tiny bit. Time for a new trash can, you say? Yes, that would be the simple solution. I just never seem to remember to pick one up when I’m out.

Ladywithatruck
Ladywithatruck
9 years ago

My ex used to tamper with my truck and then bitch because he had to fix it. or he wouldn’t fix it and I would have to get a shop to do the work. The s.o.b. was just a real asshole. By the time I left, my truck was barely running and I had thousands in repair bills, so I decided I would fix it myself. (You can Google anything) I changed my fuel pump and put an inline fuel filter in (because he put bad fuel in it and it plugged my filter and burned out the pump) and I changed my water pump.
Now,….. you have to realize people used to tease me about being a girlie girl, when I met him I got a manicure every week, I didn’t know how to even check my oil, at 40 I had never put oil in a vehicle let alone change the oil, I had never popped the hood of a vehicle. I either had a man to do that sort of thing or I paid a man to do it. I didn’t want to break a nail or get dirty.
It was so empowering to fix my truck myself. It took me 10 times longer, I swore a lot and I did ask a few guys how to do something, but I did it!

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
9 years ago
Reply to  Ladywithatruck

Very inspiring!!

mary
mary
9 years ago

My ex rarely mowed anyway and I used to think it took special knowledge that I did not have. It does not – if you can hoover then you can mow.